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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-02-01 to Sat 2009-02-07
Posted by Drew at 2009-02-11 8:09:49 AM (5 comments) | Permalink

With Drew still out traveling, there's no insightful look into the news, just some of the better headlines from last week from Sunday 2/1 through Saturday 2/7.


Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-02-01 to Sat 2009-02-07:

  Man goes after his brother with a hatchet because he was playing the stereo too loud. Tries to turn him into a half-brother    

  Earliest chocolate has been now dated to between A.D. 1000 and 1125, still on sale at Walgreens    

  Fark: Masked man robs convenience store with Klingon sword. UltraFark: both clerks recognize sword as a "Batleth"    

  How to win friends and influenza people    

  People who use both hands have a harder time conceiving children, go blind faster    

  Man driving a Kia leads police on a chase exceeding 100 mph, everyone's expectations of the Kia    

  Man plays electric guitar so loud that neighbor's fish jumps. It must have been a bass guitar    

  Horse drawn carriage business hurt by economy, invention of the automobile    

  60 year old woman gives birth to twins. Babies said to be doing fine, except for going cross eyed after focusing on her navel while breastfeeding    

  Poison kills 84 Nigerian children. Damn you Bret Michaels, damn you    

  Sky Walker charged with murdering his mother, assault on a police officer, inappropriate use of The Force    


  Kelloggs is dropping Phelps for pot incident, because no one gets high and eats Pop Tarts, Keebler cookies, Eggos, or Special K    

  Irish ultramarathoner sets world record for endurance running, completing seven marathons on seven continents in seven days to eclipse the record previously held by the last virgin in Belfast    

  Cleveland Cavszcz' Wally Szczerbiak to play with a protective maszczk after breaking hiszcz nosczce Wedneszczday night versczcusczc the New York Knickerbockersczc    


  Pregnant smokers "fear criticism," jackhammers    

  Scientists create compound out of single element Boron. Finally, a correct use of the Ionic tag    

  New Emoti-Chair allows deaf people to "hear" music through their asses. Nickelback seeks cross-promotion deal    


  Visual effects studio to open in downtown Detroit. FX wizards say it makes it a lot cheaper to step outside and shoot scenes for the new "Terminator" movie, set in a post-apocalyptic future    

  Behind the scenes with the doctor that consults for "House." About four-fifths of the way through the article, you'll stop and stare into space with a moment of epiphany    

  Back Street Boy Nick Carter says booze and drugs almost killed him. Better luck next time, booze and drugs    


  The stimulus is a sham. Wow    

  Tom Daschle: Tax Cheat. Sarah Palin: Tax misunderstanderer    

  Val Kilmer ponders run for NM Governor in 2010, pie for breakfast every day    


  Google wants out of AOL investment. AOL responds by offering Google another free month    

  DELETE FROM employees WHERE COMPANY = 'Sun Microsystems' AND POSITION = 'MySQL founder';    

  Economic recession leads to crying in De Beers
· · ·

San Francisco 10th Anniversary Fark Party Tonight 8pm at Lefty O'Doul's - details within
Posted by Drew at 2009-02-06 4:34:26 PM (99 comments) | Permalink

Hey all

The Pasadena Fark party was a blast. Had a ton of folks there, we pretty much filled the Olde Town Pub. Marcos, the owner, kept us going throughout the night with kickass drink specials.

Next party is this Sunday at 8pm at Lefty O'Doulls. Why Sunday 8pm? It's a hell of a lot easier to find space for a bunch of folks on a day that isn't Friday or Saturday.

If you have a facebook account please RSVP here. It helps us get an estimate of crowd size. Just kidding about the pants being required, if you don't want to don't wear pants.
· · ·

Pasadena 10th Anniversary Fark Party tonight 7pm at the Olde Town Pub. Beer specials for Farkers. Drew's gonna be there, Wil's coming too, and more
Posted by Drew at 2009-02-04 12:05:28 PM (240 comments) | Permalink

The owner of the Olde Town Pub is a Farker and is looking forward to having us. I'll be there as well, Kentucky melted just enough to allow me to get the hell out of there (and then promptly another 6 inches of snow dropped).

Facebook event link if you're on Facebook, please confirm.
· · ·

Fark party updates: Pasadena Thurs, San Francisco Sun, Lexington Friday Feb 13th - venue change to Redmons
Posted by Drew at 2009-02-03 4:39:46 PM (52 comments) | Permalink

Pasadena Fark Party Thursday Feb 5th 7pm-? at the Olde Town Pub. Wil was nice enough to go check it out and says it's pretty cool. The owner is a Farker too so it should work out really well. Apparently it's a little difficult to find but that should help weed out the slackers.

SF Fark Party Sunday Feb 8th 8pm at Lefty O'Doull's. Again, Farker-run joint so we should be in good company. This'll be the day after my birthday

Lexington 10th Anniversary Fark party Friday Feb 13th 6pm-late. Venue has been changed to Redmons, which will be opening early for us. If the place fills up overflow at Bluegrass Tavern (Larry's bourbon bar on Cheapside around the corner), I plan to wander back and forth throughout the night.

If you're on Facebook - Please RSVP on the Fark page with the individual events, we're still updating so they might not be up yet.
· · ·

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-01-25 to Sat 2009-01-31
Posted by Drew at 2009-02-02 3:58:30 PM, edited 2009-02-02 5:32:26 PM (13 comments) | Permalink

It's Not Fark It's News: At any given time I'm having random email conversations with people about random current events. A number of folks wrote in last week asking about the Q4 GDP numbers that came out last week. Short version: They sucked total ass. Should we be worried? Are we all doomed? EVERYBODY PANIC?

Well no, not yet anyhow.

I don't think it's a surprise to anyone that Q4 GDP numbers were awful. We knew that already. Most financial data like this is old by the time it's released. It's a snapshot of how things were in the recent past. Looking at the forward numbers, things seem to be improving slightly, possibly even stabilizing. I keep hearing news people saying were in the worst slowdown since 1930. Horseshiat. The numbers don't bear that out. We haven't hit 1982 levels yet. We still might, but the point is, don't pay attention to pundits and talking heads who have no idea exactly how dire things were during the depression. Their job is to say outrageous things in interviews. Stratfor put things in perspective earlier this week: to match the 1930s, Q4 GDP numbers would have to be three times worse than they were reported last week - every quarter from now through Q1 2012. I'm not saying things are awesome at the moment, but it's too early to be screaming that we're all doomed.

Bonus It's not news: By the way, I love the way the Michael Phelps smoking pot story is being handled by the media as if no college age kid has ever smoked pot. Also note the phrasing in most of the articles on Phelps is careful to say that there are photos of him using a glass pipe. Because lord knows there could have been anything in there.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-01-25 to Sat 2009-01-31:  Hamas opens makeshift offices. Neighbors fear chance of collateral damage will sky rocket  Evidence suggests US Airways jet hit a soft body. Out of habit, Gotti family denies any knowledge of the incident through their lawyer  M, for the Margaritas that got you wasted / O, leaving me Outside in the cold / T, the Trucker that you had sex with / H, the Horrific mugshot the paper pasted / E, the Example that you set for when I get old, R, that was Retarded  Mother gives birth to baby boy in Denver public library. No word on when it was due  Octuplets doing well, breathing on their own, squirting ink  Not News: Robin a store. News: thief that must be cuckoo ducks out with $1400 bird under coat. Police believe loon lacks egret for his crime. Lark: People pay $1400 for birds; boobies  Pickup truck crashes into a church. Now the church needs an organ transplant  "Cardinal Mystified by Child Sex Probe"; apparently the directions were missing from the package  ♫ We're all raising a Nazi submarine, Nazi submarine, Nazi submarine. We're all raising a Nazi submarine, Nazi submarine, Nazi submarine. ♪  Cairo will host an international conference on March 2 on the reconstruction of the Gaza Strip, where an estimated $2 billion of damage was caused during the recent war. Israelis don't approve, but Arabs in Dubai and Abu Dhabi do  Researchers claim excessive chatting on Facebook can lead to depression in teenage girls. Then again, what doesn't?

Sports:  15 Nigerian soccer players die in bus crash, leaving behind fortune of $400 million that can only be transferred out of the country with your help, please be upon you  Boston Bruins' top scorer Kessel cleared to return vs. New Jersey Devils, expected to make his run in less than twelve parsecs  Arizona teen sent home from school for wearing a Hines Ward jersey. Father expects a media frenzy with plenty of questions about his son's hamstring

Geek:  Device hooked into Twitter allows plants to call their owners when they need tending or spot a DEA helicopter  Melting sea ice could result in extinction of Antarctic penguins. Another tragic case in which the Emperors have no floes  Bug fix entry: Type-Defect / Priority-Medium / Issue 3: Ruined my Marriage

Showbiz:  Heath Ledger speechless after winning Best Supporting Actor honors at the Screen Actors Guild Awards  All seven "Friday The 13th" actors who played Jason Vorhees throughout the years to get together for first time. They will stare intently at the audience for 20 minutes, no Q&A session expected  Director of "X-Files" dies. I want to bereave

Politics:  McCain is unhappy with the contents of the stimulus bill, wants it re-written. Democrats respond "come up with another 97 electoral votes and we'll get right on that"  Poll taken to choose best name for Presidental Dog. "Chris Matthews", "Keith Olbermann" not listed since they're already humping his leg  Obama begins discussing global trade imbalances. Hu's on first

Business:  What major insurING and investING firm is cuttING 7,000 jobs, hopING to increase its savINGs? If you guessed Citigroup or AIG, better hope you're not one of those 7,000  When asked how many car dealerships would close this year, the president of the National Auto Dealers Association replied, "well, let me talk to my manager, and I think you'll be pleased with the result"  Bill Gates predicts downturn will last four years, 640K should be enough memory for everyone
· · ·

10th Anniversary Fark Party updates (Vancouver, Pasadena, Bay Area, Lexington, and DC) - Drew's having logistics issues involving ice
Posted by Drew at 2009-01-30 3:56:43 PM, edited 2009-01-30 4:26:35 PM (66 comments) | Permalink

There's been a massive ice storm in Kentucky. Power's been out for three days and counting now. Until it comes back up I can't leave my family to go out of town to anywhere. That most likely means I'll miss the Vancouver party (I'm gonna peg the odds at 95% likely to miss). That means that the Pasadena one is in doubt but thus far I'm still planning to be there. Last time we had a storm this bad the power was out for 9 days, so if that happens again I'm fooked. I'll keep everyone appraised.

10th Anniversary Fark Party Updates

The Vegas Party Sunday afternoon was a blast, thanks to all who came. It was fun meeting everyone. Note to self: do not drink super-high alcohol content beers for six hours then go drink more. Bad freakin idea. I paid dearly for it. Great party though.

The Vancouver Fark Party is still on for Monday Feb 2nd at 7pm at Toby's Pub. It's killing me that I can't make it. I'm gonna raincheck this one and make it up at a later date.

The Pasadena Fark Party is likely to be at the Old Towne Pub in Pasadena. The owner's a Farker. Gotta reward loyalty. Everyone come join us! I'll update if I can't make it for some damn reason [EDIT: Feb 5th]

SF/Bay Area Fark Party is on Sunday Feb 8th. Why? Because Feb 7th is my birthday and I'm already slated to be hung over beyond reason. Location and time TBA. Note: IF ANYONE IN THE BAY AREA WORKS AT OR OWNS A LOCAL BAR/RESTAURANT EMAIL ME ASAP

Lexington Fark Party is still on for Friday Feb 13th, barring any additional ice storms. Right now it looks like the location will be Redmons. I ran into Larry at his bourbon bar around the corner and it turns out a few of his employees are also Farkers. The place holds about 200 and has a stage, I'm checking on the possibility of jam sessions etc for those so inclined. For people coming in from out of town: we'll probably do something on the 14th as well. Afternoon beers someplace. Still working on the detals.

DC Fark Party Feb 21st at The Black Rooster, 6pm til whenever I believe. I'll be there provided Weather Channel's Cantore doesn't show up in my state again, bringing another icepacalypse with him.
· · ·

Farkette turns author, releases fifth book. Not a sponsored link, a birthday present
Posted by Drew at 2009-01-28 5:28:39 PM, edited 2009-01-28 5:35:04 PM (216 comments) | Permalink

Amazon link to Kitty and the Dead Man's Hand

Carrie Vaughn has been a Farkette for years, going back so far that we even ran a link about her first book out of the gate. It did extremely well, but not as well as her fourth book did - it ended up on the national best seller's list with no help from Fark.

I didn't realize all this had happened til we caught up at the last Boulder Fark Party a few months back.

She's recently had a fifth book launch and today's her birthday so as a present I'm popping up a note for those either interested or already aware. Definitely check it out if you're so inclined.

Interesting bit of trivia: people who meet Carrie think she's the model on the cover of her books. She's not, but they look really similar.

Also today is her birthday. Happy Birthday!
· · ·

Headlines Of The Week, Drew's travel, and Jim Cantore's snowpocalypse EVERYBODY (in Kentucky) PANIC
Posted by Drew at 2009-01-26 3:51:23 PM, edited 2009-01-27 3:38:24 PM (35 comments) | Permalink

We had the first of several 10th Anniversary Fark Parties this past Sunday afternoon. Thanks to everyone who came, it was a blast as usual. I wish I had not been switching between Stella and Kronenburg for 6 hours though. Following up with a couple more sakes at dinner and more beers later didn't help much either.

The next party is in Vancouver Monday Feb 2nd. Looking forward to seeing everyone there again. It's been way too long.

It's not Fark It's News: nothing much to report from last week. Media spent a bunch of time waiting around for Obama to do something. Things seem to be back to normal this week, based on the tons of good Fark material we've been seeing.

The BS lost Superbowl productivity article finally came out. I predicted they'd either add $20 million on to last year's figure (like they have the past three years) or round straight up to $850 million. For those who missed it, the figure was $848.5 million. Sounds more real than either $840 or $850 million, but it's a BS figure, media knows it's BS, and they still ran the article.

I don't have much in the way for predictions for this coming week. One thing of local interest is that Jim Cantore has shown up in Kentucky. Cantore is the Weather Channel's harbinger of the apocalpse so I'm probably going to die. However if I don't I'll be back next week.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-01-18 to Sat 2009-01-24:  Do men's penises shrink as they get older? (pleasesayno pleasesayno pleasesayno)  Man finds injured lizard gaffer taped to his car, attempts to correct the reptile dysfunction  $1 million found during traffic stop. Officers say the $800,000 was found in a duffle bag. The suspect attempted to flee, leaving behind the $650,000, which was confiscated by police  Detroit Institute of Arts cancels three upcoming exhibits because they are Baroque  Man speaks nonstop for 124 hours, narrowly beating world record previously held by your wife  Because Obama's ancestry can be traced to William the Lion of Scotland, there are calls for an Obama-themed kilt... because you can't hide your Lion thighs  Seaman discharged after tea-bagging incident  Five. Five thousand. Five thousand dollar reward for information leading to the arrest of Omaha Subway robber  Fire breaks out at Mount Sinai Hospital, begins talking to Moses  Missouri Neo Nazis allowed to participate in Adopt a Highway program. The group may need additional help since they have requested to only pick up white trash  Dr. Scholl is gellin' like a felon

Sports:  After Jets season landed in the Hudson, team hires Rex Ryan to be new pilot  Ricketts picked to buy Cubs. Narrowly beats out Measles, Mumps and Mark Cuban  Grizzlies fire head coach Marc Iavaroni after division worst 11-30 start. That's 1.83 wins per vowel

Geek:  Triceratops skull fetches $251,000 at auction. That's nearly $84,000 a ceratops  U.S. Army working on "exploding marmalade" missile propulsion. In addition to burning more smoothly, it jams enemy radar  Paul Mitchell's pert message: reducing shampoo usage allows suave consumers to stand head and shoulders above the crowd. Aussie what he did there, it's pantenely obvious

Showbiz:  "Life on Mars" star survives serious car crash, wakes up in 2009  One year on, SoHo apartment where Heath Ledger died is still vacant. The landlord would like to rent it again, but couldn't find a serious enough applicant  Patrick Swayze is going to write a book with his wife. Most people write with a computer or even a pen, but the man's sick, I say let him give it a try

Politics:  Obama staff will have 2 say cu l8r 2 im  Jill Biden said Obama offered Joe two positions. Which is one more than Jill normally offers Joe  Obama to keep Oval Office rug, saying it really ties the room together

Business:  Car manfacturers are listening to proposals to equip cars with social networking technology like Facebook. What could pos.... Michael is wrapped around a tree  Lobster industry feeling pinch of recession, trying to claw back to profitabilty, you submitted this with lemon juice and a butter headline  COBRA is too pricey for many laid off workers. Their only hope is G.I. Joe
· · ·

10th Anniversary Fark Parties: now with more Las Vegas (1/25), Vancouver (2/2), Pasadena (2/5), Bay Area (2/8), Lexington (2/13), and DC (2/20||21) goodness
Posted by Drew at 2009-01-21 11:32:36 AM (152 comments) | Permalink

Hi all

A couple weeks ago I figured we should probably do something to celebrate Fark's upcoming 10th Anniversary, so I posted a quick link about having a get-together in downtown Lexington. I figured we'd get like 10 people. So far we've got over 150 people caravanning in from all over the place. That's gonna be too big for The Chase, will keep you posted on the new venue. We'll figure it out. Date and time will not be changing.

A lot of folks mentioned that they couldn't make it to Lex on "short notice" (five weeks?), but that's cool. As luck would have it I have to be out on the Left Coast quite a bit over the next couple of weeks, so let's have a few more 10th Anniversary Fark Parties while we're at it. Some are nailed down, some not so much.

In stone:
Jan 25th 1pm: Las Vegas NV, The Freakin Frog Facebook link
Feb 2nd 7pm: Vancouver BC, Toby's Pub Facebook link

In planning:
Feb 5th TBA: Pasadena, CA, TBA
Feb 8th TBA: Bay Area Somewheres, CA, TBA
Feb 13th 6pm: Lexington, KY, TBA
Feb 20th/21st: Washington DC, TBA -> still in early planning stages

There's also an outside chance of something in Seattle the weekend of Jan 30th

Much farther out we have:
Mar 16th: Austin, TX, TBA -> attending SXSW
Apr 17th: Cleveland OH, TBA -> attending Notacon

No dates yet but coming:
Chicago, IL
Charleston, SC
United Kingdom

If you have a Facebook account could you please confirm attendance? We're guestimating size based on how many confirm from there.

General Facebook links
Become a Fan of Fark
Add Drew as a friend

General Twitter Links
· · ·

Headlines Of The Week and Drew's latest It's Not Fark It's News summary. Now with less Loretabs
Posted by Drew at 2009-01-19 12:44:43 PM, edited 2009-01-19 2:04:18 PM (57 comments) | Permalink

It's not Fark it's News: so what happened last week that didn't get much press? Russia decided to finally turn the gas back on to Central Europe. They got into a dispute with Ukraine over billing and cut them off, turns out Europe is connected to the same pipe. This all came during the coldest weather this winter. Massive disaster almost ensued. I think I saw it mentioned on CNN exactly once, buried behind missing white chicks and the dangers of kitchen countertops. Israel pushed the rubble around in Gaza then left. And a plane crashed in the Hudson, which is kinda unique. Bus crashes just don't get the same kind of coverage though, unless beheadings are involved. I think it's because our primitive monkey brains refused to believe that planes can actually fly.

Next week: all available media bandwidth is gonna be eaten up by the inauguration so if you're a PR firm don't bother to send anything out til Wednesday. It's a great two day period to dump bad news though so if you want to do a bunch of layoff announcements or whatever, fire away. Don't expect anything useful out of the media til Thursday at the soonest (if then).

Also keep an eye out for the How Much Money Is Lost Due to The Superbowl annual BS ad-as-news article. The totals for the last three years were $780M, $800M, and $820M. I suspect that they'll round up and go for $850M this year, since it's a BS number anyhow. Expect to see that one next Monday.

On to the good stuff

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-01-11 to Sat 2009-01-17:  Woman arrested for having dead baby in carry-on luggage. Everyone knows that carrion needs to be checked in  Plane crashes in Florida panhandle, no pilot found. Well there's your problem  One out of 100 Americans are being stalked. If you don't believe it, just come by your front door; I have the article  Marilyn Monroe hormone discovered. Or should it be called Norma Gene?  Sheriff pushes girl out of path of gunfire during standoff with armed man, gets his ear blown off. He might be in line for a medal, but hasn't heard anything so far  Woman impales man with meat thermometer. Well done  Ricardo Montalban dead at 88. Will be buried in casket of rich Corinthian leather  Toothbrushes to be removed from prison, prompting concerns of increased cavity searches  There once was a man named Starks / Who decided to steal some sharks / His plan he soon rued / When jailarity enused / Hey, it's not news - it's FARK  Man hurls brake fluid at suspected child molester - guess he wanted him to stop  India bans elephants from traditional military parade, citing excessive emissions, lack of trunk space

Sports:  NFC Championship goes through Arizona. This is not a repeat from... well, this is not a repeat  Vince Carter watches flight 1549 land in Hudson from his bedroom window; suffers only serious injury  Seven reasons to hate Steeler fans, according to a Ravens fan. Steelers would give a high five, but their hands are weighted down by all those rings

Geek:  Scientists using false memories to help people lose weight. Get your fat ass to Mars  IBM invents MRI machine with 100 million times higher resolution than current MRIs, making it possible for the first time to see things as tiny as Cheney's heart, Hugo Chavez' brain  Earliest dinosaur feathers were only for display, mostly to frighten the other animals on The Ark

Showbiz:  Vanessa Hudgens may play werewolf in "Twilight" sequel. Sounds like somebody saw those pictures and decided she's hairy enough  Much like its namesake, invaded by trojans over the weekend  Madonna undergoes therapy, trying to repair her "tikkun," a Kabbalah term which, contrary to popular beliefs, does not mean "gristly man-arms"

Politics:  North Korea wants to send envoy to Obama's inauguration, presumably to use the code word that activates him  Gay Episcopal bishop to offer prayer at inauguration event. Activist groups immediately complain that left-handed redheaded transsexual Jewish Kwaanza pastors are being excluded  Hamas rejects Israeli cease-fire terms. Reasons given include "Our shrapnel collection is not complete" and "We have some rockets left"

Business:  Dominos to close and reopen 7 shops. It's like they're knocking them down then setting them up again  Oracle cuts 500 jobs, if only there was someone who could have foreseen this  Schindler Elevator cuts 25% of its workforce. List not released yet
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