Lots happening in the news last week, but very little of it original. Michael Jackson is still dead -- for now, at least -- nobody is sure how Iran will shake out, and North Korea's tantrums are comical, and with Kim Jong Il being sick with possible pancreatic cancer and having only two weeks
six months five years to live, the speculation could last a while. But the media doesn't need to worry about any of that, because they're sitting pretty with a full week of Sotomayor confirmation hearings. Also, publicists are working overtime for the summer movies, so expect more bullshiat stories about anybody related to any of the following upcoming movies: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, The Ugly Truth, Funny People, and Inglourious Basterds. Oh, and Lady Gaga will be in the news again, primarily on the basis of her main talent, which is being in the news. More than ever, it helps to have a handy guide to let you know what to look for, so this week Fark is setting the betting line on stories you will might hear this week, and dropping odds on which ones will probably shake out and which ones won't: - Shark attack makes national news (2:1) - Said shark attack does not involve actual injury except to surfboard (4:1) - Dubious connection made between Michael Jackson's death and global warming (3:2) - Errant North Korea test rocket inadvertently sinks one of its own ships (85:1) - Fairly hot female teacher taps underage student like he was a fraternity keg (3:2) - Shaquille O'Neal practices with Cleveland Cavaliers, promptly injures finger tweeting it (3:1) - Nudity + driving arrest (5:4) - Major scientific breakthrough rescinded two days after being announced (9:1) - Female entertainer suggests she likes to play for both teams *wink* (3:2) - A tragic reminder of the dangers of car surfing (5:1) - Darwin award + "alcohol may have been a factor" (2:1) - Embarrassing keg stand photos of Sotomayor revealed during confirmation (207:1) So that's all we have for now. Place your bets, we may have a busy week. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-07-05 to Sat 2009-07-11:  Midgets call on the FCC to legally, most regally, reliably, certifiably, undeniably ban the word Midget   Man has five kidneys. Says he'd rather have five penises so his pants would fit like a glove  Cops cite a woman after she was singing an expletive-filled N.W.A. song. Talk about a bad rap  Two-year-old boy's body stolen from grave; authorities dispatched to the Staples Center as a precautionary measure  Drunken farm tractor driver leads police on slow chase; police await official results of BAC test, but expect driver was really plowed  "Baby Floats Recalled." Maybe the root beer was too warm and the babies melted  Orlando among the worst on list of cities with best drivers. Submitter laughs at these bad drivers, and can even post on Fark while d There is a wallaby loose in Muncie, Indiana. Last seen hanging out with a turtle and a cow near a comic book store Dead in Chicago suburb rise from the grave. You'd think it was election day Patronizing Tijuana hookers while on drugs may be unhealthy, according to Dr. N.S. Sherlock, of the Doy Institute  Gay couple handcuffed and cited for trespassing after one kissed the other on the cheek in the Mormon temple plaza. Church officials say they've never seen such an inappropriate display in all their wives Sports:  Indians GM: Wedge's job safe for rest of year. After helping blow up two Death Stars, it should be  Horse dies in chuckwagon race. Failed to escape from family dog by running under dining room table Monica Seles gets to take a stab at a Hall of Fame acceptance speech Geek:  New device monitors your heart rate and posts it on Twitter. If only they had these when Abe Vigoda was alive Good language skills in your youth may stave off Alzheimer's later. Good news for us people who have a way with words, not so much for those of you who...um...not have way, I guess New software lets you send voice-activated text messages from your cell phone. Finally, a way to use your voice on your cell phone Showbiz: Al Sharpton demands "Michael Jackson" postage stamp, so little boys can lick him ♫ Spider bite ♫ Spider bite ♫ It was just an injection site ♫ Drug abuse, he denied ♫ But it seems MJ lied ♫ Look out ♫ That's not a spider bite ♫ Austrians think Bruno is pretty funny. But then, they also think Vegemite is edible Politics: White House, hospitals reach deal on health care. Vice President Joe Biden announced the deal at the White House today, so expect a retraction from Obama shortly John the Maverick, Caribou Barbie, Joe the Plumber and now Fireman Frank. This isn't a political party, it's an episode of Pee Wee's Playhouse  NY Times reveals that it was Cheney who ordered the CIA to lie to Congress. This revelation is about as surprising as a totally unsurprising thing that isn't at all suprising Music:  "Nine Inch Nails announce intimate US shows." Intimate like an animal, I hope George Fullerton, the musician who helped Leo Fender create his guitars, dies at the age of 86. I'm gonna pick up my Rock Band Fender Stratocaster and play you a song. Red blue, green, blue, orange. That was for you, buddy Jay-Z close to signing a book deal. It's got 99 chapters, but a page ain't one Business: Oil under $60 on news that Obama and Sarkozy reach 17-year Brazilian drilling agreement Walgreen's opens first Alaskan store in Wasilla after it became obvious last year that the community needed greater access to birth control and magazines Rent-to-own stores thriving in latest proof that Americans aren't getting any better at math
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The Mainstream Media has been so dominated by weird celebrity deaths that there isn't much to talk about. I'm not aware of any stories where embellishment beyond a sentence or two would be anything other than repetition. What little real news exists is so easy to sum up, it feels like it'd fit in a Cracked.com Top Ten list. 10. Robert MacnamaraHe was still alive? Everyone under 40 scratches their heads wondering who he was. Everyone over 40 is too busy getting the grey out of their hair and popping blue pills to care anymore. 9. iPhone 3G - is it faster?Yes. Yes it is. 8. Swine flu - still going to kill us all*(* as long as you have "serious underlying health problems") 7. McNair (not McNabb, or McDonald for that matter) - WTF?You know how it's a murder-suicide? When the police come out and say directly "We haven't yet ruled it a murder-suicide." 6. Mark SanfordThe guy was given a gift from god in the form of Michael Jackson's death, and he ruined it by opening his big mouth. It's as if he likes being beat up by the media. 5. Fuss about Iran but not HondurasHonduras doesn't have a nuclear weapons program. Or oil. End of story. 4. Running of the Bulls Starts todayGet ready for two weeks of crotch-punching photos of gore making the rounds on MSM. 3. Shark attacksThe old MSM standby. A woman was attacked by one this weekend, but too many celebrity deaths prevented it from getting any traction. The next one should fire up the shark season - especially if it's a celebrity who gets chewed up by one. 2. Palin - WTF?Personally my money's on her having taken advice to get out of a position to make decisions where she could be attacked for them in the next election. It's a much less interesting reason than most pundits would like but I suspect that's it. 1. Michael JacksonYup, he's still dead. If anyone has anything hugely embarrassing to announce that might impact a national or world stage, tomorrow is the day to do it. Maybe next week we'll have some more complicated issues to discuss. Or maybe we'll get lucky and we won't. Living in Interesting Times is overrated. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-06-28 to Sat 2009-07-04:  Aussie adults fail spelling bee. How embaras- embarrras- shameful Woman's cancer vanishes after prayers to 19th-century priest. Church to consider "Post hoc ergo propter hoc" Two federal lawsuits allege using a dog's discerning crotch-sniffing ability to identify suspects in "scent lineups" is nothing more than junk science  We regret to inform you that your Czechs have bounced CNBC host complains "anonymous bloggers" have been mocking him and his show, saying he looks like Beaker from the Muppets. Ends up in a train wreck of a rant that... MEEP, MEEP, MEEP, MEEP, MEEP It costs $900 to haul a dead body to the morgue in Chicago - not including cab fare to the voting booth  Man gets charged with 9th DUI while serving time for 8th DUI, gets crowned king of Wisconsin Fortune teller convinces teenage girls that having sex with him will make wishes come true. Of course, he didn't say whose wishes One British child under the age of 12 needs hospital treatment every 48 hours for drinking too much. You'd think he'd have learned his lesson by now Misplaced period lands man in jail, rather than the more traditional marriage  Guy tries to go fishing with dynamite, winds up getting real chummy with the fish Sports: Researchers determine what makes a great football player. That's football as in 'soccer', so weighing 380lbs and being able to lumber around for up to eight seconds before needing sideline oxygen did not figure Phillies' Bastardo aches from ailing shoulder, lack of Father's Day celebration Former Yankee Jim Leyritz charged with battery. First steroids in baseball, now there were robots too? Geek: Acer to overtake Dell as number two PC maker. Confused subby thought they were always a number two PC maker Scientists release several hundred guppies into two rivers, one with predators and one without, to see how they adapt. After some interesting initial results, researchers ready for betta testing AOL accused of secretly upgrading old customers and threatening them with mystery bills. Choose your headline ending: (A) In other news, AOL is still around; (B) No, this is not a repeat from 1995; (C) You've got blackmail Showbiz: I see a bad film a-risin' / I see a bomb on the way / I see CG and bad lighting / I see bad reviews today Amy Adams to star in a new movie about boxing. She'll play a "tough, gritty bartender" who's a former high-jumper. Good role for a woman who's barely over five feet and about as gritty as a ShamWow Shrek sidekick Donkey voted the most-loved movie animal, slightly ahead of Joan Cusack Politics: Obama announces plans to vacation on Cape Cod this year instead of making usual pilgrimage to Mecca  Mark Sanford says that his Argentinean mistress is his soul mate, forgetting that as a politician he has no soul Both John Ensign and Mark Sanford are part of a secretive church called the Family that believes the free market is sacred. Apparently Jesus is cool with adultery but not Social Security Music: Michael Jackson set to release his boobieshumous album  Iron Maiden and ACDC competing for 'band of the year' honours. This is not a repeat from 1981 Amy Winehouse is coming out with a line of greeting cards. Under NO circumstances should you lick the envelope Business: Bernie Madoff sentenced to 150 years of having massive amounts of capital injected into his backdoor hedge fund Unemployed newspaper reporters increasingly turning to crack, shoplifting meat and sleeping in ATMs, just like every other liberal arts graduate in the universe Gerry Pasciucco's mission: Unwind AIG's portfolio of 44,000 long-dated derivatives with a notional value of $2 trillion, close the unit, then fire everyone and resign. His next trick will be to invent a perpetual motion machine
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There's really only one story to talk about this week: Michael Jackson's death. You'd think that MJ's death was just the latest in a long string of celebrity not-news flashes that engrossed the media beyond all reason. But I actually have to give them a pass on this one. In the 10 years Fark has been around, there are only two events that almost crashed the site. One was 9/11. The other one was Michael Jackson's trial verdict announcement. Why? Possibly because Michael Jackson is interesting to a large percentage of the general population. Even if you didn't grow up with his music, odds are you're still familiar with it. Then there's the freakshow factor. Every element of MJ's life was bizarre, and the constant attention on every facet of his behavior caused him to act even more bizzare. It's not that Michael Jackson's passing is important news, because it certainly isn't. However, given his status as arguably the most recognized celebrity on the face of the planet, there is still a lot of mystery to be solved, including why he died, what lead him down the path of dying (relatively) young, and how many people in his past are going to come forward with vastly different stories than they've previously told the media (my money is on all of them). A huge portion of the population is interested in MJ news and they're stampeding online to find every shred of information about his death, to the point that Google thought that all the Michael Jackson searches last week were a DDoS attack. To the credit of MSM outlets everywhere, most of them continue to cover Iran news in the midst of this MJ onslaught -- even though there's every indication that the Iran situation has played itself out (for now at least). Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-06-21 to Sat 2009-06-27: New Zealand lawmakers are looking for cheaper ways to house their prisoners. Apparently they don't realize how close to Australia they are Three dogs added to TSA staff in effort to increase communication skills, mean intelligence Today, seventy-seven members of Congress urged President Obama to issue an immediate moratorium on further gay discharges. This issue, which has already affected many seamen, could snowball even further if no action is taken "Victorian man diagnosed with swine flu dies." ZOMG IT CAN TIME TRAVEL111 CDC data shows HIV infection rates greater in the South but at least it stays within the same family Truck carrying a load of pigs overturns on interstate, witnesses report multiple cases of swine flew Researchers find evolution in warmer climates occurs faster, giving birth to the "Florida Paradox" Iran's supreme leader calls for tolerance toward protesters that have not yet been arrested, shot, or beaten Astronut Lisa Nowak's trial to move forward following appeal and diaper change, to remain released on own incontinence Gay rights activists unhappy with church's exorcism of teen's "homosexual demons." The power of Christian Dior compels you Pelham middle school teacher meets horny 15 yr-old online, thinks taking her virginity will be easy as 1 2 3 Sports: NL Rookie of the Year misunderstands when coaches tell him they want him to hit .420 Dates and locations for all NFL summer training camps, for those football fans eagerly awaiting the new season. Plus you Browns fans Kansas City Royal pitcher Sidney Ponson tested positive for the stimulant and weight loss drug Phentermine. Ponson is currently 1-5 with a 7.27 ERA and weighs 250 lbs, so he really should ask for a refund Geek: Sea turtle that lost flippers to shark attack fitted with artificial flippers so it can be attacked by shark again Indian CEO says most US tech grads are unemployable, have unintelligible accents, smell like beef stew Pigeons "make good art critics", presumably because all they ever do is shiat all over everything, just like real critics Showbiz:  Black-Eyed-Perez Ratings were up as millions watched Jon & Kate's marriage fail; making it the first time millions got to watch marriage fail since election night in California Michael Jackson's autopsy underway. Coroner struggling with first question: "Race: __________" Politics: Missing: One Governor of South Carolina, white, Republican, has all shots, answers to "Mark" White House appoints first envoy to a rogue Arab country in four years. Syriasly Ugandan rebels found to have killed 1,200 Congolese this year, 1,201 if you include that son of a biatch Van Owen, who blew off Roland's head Music: Gorbachev's CD of love ballads fetches $165,000 at auction. Album is said to start strong but collapses under its own ambition a few songs in. CD is near-mint condition, except for a small blotch in the top-right corner Katy Perry would like everyone to know that she is not a lesbian per se, but she does enjoy hitting on attractive women. She may not have released a second album yet, but she's clearly doing her best to market the first Rihanna and Chris Brown want restraining order lifted. You can't beat that Business: MySpace workers to have 300 fewer friends. Mood: Sad New home sales fall unexpectedly according to people who just got to 2009 by way of a DeLorean R.I. newspaper to charge customers twice as much to view their website than paper subscriptions. That ought to sustain them until this silly Internet thing blows over
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I was going to write up a posting this week discussing the Iran thing that we've been following, but since I already discussed it in the following video, I figured it would be faster to just link to it: With Iran on the razor's edge, Fark takes sidesAlso, some of our favorite headlines from last week. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-06-14 to Sat 2009-06-20: Lightning strikes kill 16 cows standing in a puddle. Well done Blind and deaf man to lead Amazon expedition. As far as he knows North Korea warns the U.S. of a "thousand fold" military action. Great, now they are attacking us with origami Good news: searchers have recovered 400 pieces of Air France 447 wreckage. Bad news: that's two pieces of wreckage per passenger, so from here on out folks need to start paying the $25 additional wreckage piece fee British Prime Minister sets up a PMS "working group". Bloody hell Driving buses is just like starring in porn films, you wait ages and then three come at once Nude Hiking Day is Sunday. Watch out for bares Bookshops apologise for including 'The Crimes of Josef Fritzl' in their 'Gifts for Father's Day' displays; Have promised that from now on they'll keep them in best-cellars St. Anthony statue stolen from chapel. If only there was a patron saint of lost items the faithful could pray to in hopes of finding it Researchers in Maine find a sturgeon, for the very first time. A stuuurrrgeon. Oooh, oooh, oooh British weigh 'I before E' rule, seize on surfeit of exceptions, deign to let teachers' consciences be sovereign in paying it obeisance Sports: Phil Mickelson says his wife wants a US Open trophy. In other news, Phil Mickelson's wife now dating Tiger Woods Disgraced ex-NBA ref out of prison. The striped uniforms didn't bother him, but he's still pissed about the hard fouls from behind Kim Jong Il scores 48 bicycle-kick goals to qualify North Korea for World Cup Geek: Scientists discover dinosaur that looked and acted like a parrot, say it appears to have shown some level of symbiosis with the Western Piratesaur Scientists discuss "sonic" black hole that sucks in all sound, are surprised no one seems to have heard of it before The downside of red hot chili peppers is that they are less drought tolerant, more vulnerable to ant attacks, and every fourth song is about California Showbiz: Hundreds of celebrities and hangers-on honor David Carradine at funeral Drew Carey's cameo appearance to make CBS' "The Bold and the Beautiful" 50% less accurate Bündchendeoven Politics: Ahmasteelinyurelection insists that there are no serious challenges to the election results, has always been at war with Eastasia, these are not the droids you are looking for Republican Senator admits to extramarital affair WITH A WOMAN Australian senate removes screaming baby from Parliament chambers. One down, seventy-six to go Music: Def Leppard closes Download Festival with stirring tribute to drummer Rick Allen. Out of respect, fans held their applause Aerosmith grateful for "Guitar Hero", botox, Viagra Moby says the RIAA needs to be dissolved. This was followed by 8 minutes of him repeating the same sentence to various drum beats backed by violins and guitars Business: MySpace slashes itself by 30%, a move that resonates with its user base Best Buy unveils new commercial touting that their employees are more knowledgeable than Walmart's. No mention that so are several forms of phytoplankton, amoebas and bean dip Report: Chinese company Geely to buy Volvo, move to suburb, raise children
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No special posting this week, just enjoy the headlines. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-06-07 to Sat 2009-06-13: Car plows into a tour bus carrying the Sisters of the Most Precious Blood. Nun killed A 15-year-old girl who claimed Home Depot employees rescued her from her kidnapper later revealed the story was a hoax. Police became suspicious when she claimed she was able to find help at Home Depot Notebook of Picasso sketches stolen. Not surprisingly, French police have their noses bent out of shape over this Chili's, Steak and Ale founder Norman Brinker dead at 78, presumably from starvation while waiting for his lame-ass waiter to bring the goddamn appetizer he ordered an hour ago Homeless couple finally receive their high school diplomas, hope to save up for a wall to hang them on Airman facing rape charges after being booked in Middlesex for sex with middle school girl he met on Facebook Women in stable relationships sleep better than those who have just broken up with a partner. The trick is putting down fresh hay Whale sinks British couple's yacht. Husband vows to get his revenge, however long it takes Congress proposes allowing the FCC to limit TV ad volume. BILLY MAYS IS NOT AMUSED  Thief steals identity of police identity theft investigator, charges $2,000 worth of irony on his credit card Police arrest serial plant thief, should begonia way for a long time Sports: David Ortiz passes eye exam, a test that apparently had nothing resembling a baseball Montana joins Washington, much to the surprise of Idaho  Pats pass on past Pat Pat Pass. Past Pat Pass passed pissed Geek: Biggest Black Hole ever Found in Nearby Galaxy. EVERYBODY PAN..I....................C Male hummingbirds break the speed record for fastest sex in the animal kingdom, a record which has stood since your conception Jehovah's Witnesses more likely to die in childbirth. Also more likely to be standing in doorway in event of earthquake Showbiz: Carradine family asks the FBI to determine who rubbed out David, will have HBO's forensics master Baden perform autopsy Distant relative of Leo Tolstoy facing hard times, just keeps going on and on about it "I'm Jessica Alba, I'm Jessica Alba, I'm cleared of all charges, I'M JESSICA ALBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Politics: ♫ All the leaves are brown ♫ And the sky is gray ♫ California welfare ♫ Is gonna go awaaaaaaaaay ♫ Democrats trying to give the mentally ill free healthcare, or as they call it, "playing to the base" Republicans: "Obama's health care plan is a tough pill to swallow." Obama: "Good news - it's a suppository" Music: The Black Eyed Peas' tour makes Fergie sick. Take a number and get in line, sister Not news: 40 years ago today a man was kicked out of a band. News: It was Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones. Fark: Mick and Keith said he was doing too many drugs. Dude, if Keith says you're overdoing it ... get help, man. Get help Chris Martin will not make a solo album unless he and Gwyneth Paltrow split. So here's to hoping they have a long and happy marriage Business: Wagging tongues say Aer Lingus faces "most difficult period in its history," pays lip services to mounds of debt but hopes to lick financial woes and snatch victory from jaws of defeat Despite the best efforts of subby's wife, Prada is €600 million in debt Amazon pays Toys "Я" Us $51 million to Яesolve contЯact dispute
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No posting this week. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-05-31 to Sat 2009-06-06: Egyptian man cuts off own penis. Osirisly "You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel" Some guy in California who had 13 expensive rabbits just reported to police he had 77 rabbits stolen. Thief spotted in truck with 200 rabbits. Police hope to recover the 42,987 rabbits by tomorrow North Korea begins assembling a long range rocket in their attempts to further map the local seabed Controversial topless coffee shop goes tits up Harvard to offer endowed professorship in gay studies, which doesn't mean what you think it means Thousands of chickens die in fire. Firefighters struggle to control flames, appetites Tourette's most common in white kids, boys, c**ks**kers Oregon teen struck by lightning, immediately grounded Police search for rocket man responsible for launching 7 ft long civilian-made rockets that buzzed two Continental airlines planes in the skies over Houston sometime around zero hour 9:00 AM "Gay Days" at Disneyworld expected to bring in $100 million. A hundred million sweaty, buff, tan, oiled up, leather-wearing dollars Sports: Just as the Yankees get their Wang fixed, the Mets break their Putz Amanda Hubbard of Georgia wins three gold medals at U.S. National Weightlifting Championships. I told you her snatch was impressive The demolition of Tiger Stadium was halted by a judge Friday. Plans are to let it fall apart naturally, like the rest of Detroit Geek: Sharks can be "cuddled like Dolphins", according to Dr Stumpy McStumperson from the institute of really bad ideas Newsweek: American obesity jumps in last year. But not very high Antioxidants in human sperm reduce facial wrinkles. Here comes the science, it's coming, oh yes get ready it's coming Showbiz: Cox and Arquette set to make "Scream 4: Career Death Rattle" Amy Winehouse wants "black kids" which would really match her liver Kwai Chang Came Politics: Toner, ex-aide to Eisenhower and Nixon, dies, will be shaken and reinserted to work a few more days Al Gore given License to Il New Gallup poll reveals Cheney is more popular than Pelosi, much in the same way that prostate exams are more popular than colonoscopies Music: Scott Weiland's estranged wife to publish tell-all memoir, marking the first time a heroine will abuse him Whitney Houston's new album to hit the streets in September, expected to crack the top 10 Kelly Clarkson isn't fazed by fat jokes, vegetables Business: Bausch & Lomb settles 600 eye-fungus lawsuits for $250 million. After attorneys fees are paid, plaintiffs aren't expecting to see much General Motors claims it has 16 potential buyers for Saturn. It is unclear if that's for the actual cars or the brand itself France's unemployment rate at all time high, or as the French call it, "summer vacation"
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No special post today, just enjoy the headlines. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-05-24 to Sat 2009-05-30: First poop-to-power plant opens in Sanford, FL with many wondering where will number two be? Montana town makes plea to house Gitmo detainees, saying in Montana they're plenty used to people who speak broken English, have a love of guns and bombs and who hate the U.S. gummint Dead body found in Des Plaines. No word if there were identifying marks or tattoos Serial whizzer nabbed in Detroit, will face a jury of his peers New Zealand zoo keeper feeds tiger. He was delicious Explosives-packed vehicle destroys police building in Lahore. Lapimp says he has no idea how it got there Skywalker trampolines recalled, are too dangerous to use. See three PO'd customers who already sued A look inside North Korea, a nation so backward and brain dead that it makes Arkansas look like the Algonquin Round Table by comparison. Don't feel bad that you didn't understand that reference, Arkansas $232 million-dollar Powerball sold in Winner, South Dakota. Subby moving to Rich, Arkansas, with a winter home in Big Dick Springs, Kentucky Kavya Shivashankar wins National Spelling Bee after successfully completing the "Fill In your name" portion of the application Fire breaks out at petting-zoo, killing 30 animals and causing numerous hand burns Sports:  Carolina Panthers owner Jerry Richardson makes his first appearance at practice after his heart transplant in February. He would've gotten the new heart sooner, but it got turned over six times on the way CNNSI takes deep toke off Tom Brady's jockstrap, statistically recreates his lost 2008 season, and concludes he would have thrown for 3,766 yards, 28 TDs, and 12 INTs and won the Super Bowl. And cured cancer and figured out cold fusion Gay runs fast, but not enough to catch record-breaking Johnson Geek: Astronomers are getting a close-up look at a cosmic eating machine that devours the mass equivalent of two Earths per hour and in the past has replaced Shelley Long on "Cheers" GREat nEws for spies -- New crypto technique aLlows messages to be hIdden riGHT in the basic communication Protocols used in at LEASt 95 pErcent of systems 350-year-old skeleton discovered in England. Fans gather in hopes of hearing latest rendition of Like a Virgin Showbiz: Big shot piano man's former drummer sues because he hasn't seen any royalties for the longest time. Entertainer says you may be right, but there's no need to go to extremes Upcoming Rolling Stone cover story featuring "American Idol" runner-up Adam Lambert will explain what those photos of him on his web site tongue-kissing men and dressed in full drag really mean. We're all just aiken to know There are plans for a Bazooka Joe movie. Fans demand the movie be faithful to the source and lose flavor after 30 seconds Politics: Abbas would like US to push out Netanyahu, states: "If you change your mind, I'm the first in line. Honey I'm still free. Take a chance on me" Bill Clinton's views on gay marriage evolving, especially when it involves two chicks Fresh off the breathless reporting yesterday that Obama bought a cheeseburger comes breaking news that he and Michelle are going to watch a Broadway play. It's like Obama sees the entire media as one big Twitter account Music: Phil Spector to be sentenced today to at least 15 years of the wall of pound Business: Virgin looking to buy Playboy The "bond vigilantes" are back. "You expect me to buy this 10-year note at just 2 percent?" "No, I expect you to die" Heinz ... .... .... fourth ... ... ... quarter ... ... ... profits ... ... ... fall ... ... ... ten ... ... ... per ... ... ... cent
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Since everyone liked it last week, here's today's Media Hype Power Rankings. If it stays popular, we may make this a regular feature. I tried to find 10 items to rank but since MSM had the day off yesterday, there hasn't been a lot of coverage on anything. So this week, eight is enough. 1. North Korea: Global Attention WhoreNorth Korea got tired of everyone ignoring it, so it went and set off another nuclear test this weekend. It followed that up with a missile launch. Be interesting to see if China puts its foot down on these shenanigans. North Korea always seems to act up when it wants more foreign aid. The problem with letting them do this is theyre behaving like a 2 year-old child if you let them get away with something theyll keep on pushing. Someone needs to smack these guys down, because in the long run this story ends with these morans having a full blown nuclear arsenal with ICBMs capable of hitting New York. 2. New Supreme Court Nominee There shouldnt be a peep about this anywhere by next week, unless it turns out that this appointee owes some back taxes just like everyone else the Obama administration picks for positions. By the way, does the Obama Administration do anything without leaking it to the press 24 hours early? Thats a rhetorical question by the way, the answer is no. If youve never noticed this before, keep an eye out. 3. California rules on gay marriage Expect the usual suspects from both sides to complain about the results, however they end up. For people who dont live in California, heres a short explanation: California screwed itself royally years ago by allowing popular referendums (which cant be overturned by government) on everything under the sun. Last November, one of the referendums was on gay marriage. It didnt pass. The California Supreme Court is ruling today on whether or not banning gay marriage is even constitutional. If this confuses you, dont worry. Its politics. 4. Bad economy Hey the economy sucks, didn't know if you noticed. Variations on people losing houses, jobs, etc. abound. This inevitably floats toward the top unless something pushes it back down. Latest blip: housing prices slide 20%. In related news, if you want a house in Detroit all you have to do is move into a vacant one and its yours. Youll have to kick out the meth lab folks first though. Also, this just in: oil is expensive. 5. GM going bankrupt Opinions differ as to the impact on the US economy when this happens. Media musings always talk about the potential GM bankruptcy but cmon, this thing is over and done already. The groundwork was laid in January to prepare the market so the shock wouldnt be huge when it finally hit. 6. Twitter navelgazing Hey theres going to be a Twitter TV show. The details of which are so vague I cant even write a summary about it. It involves Twitter somehow. This is really just a PR pitch by the guys trying to sell the show to a network. MSM, hook, line, sinker, etc. 7. Death of newspapers The latest iteration of this: newspapers making rumblings about making all news subscriber-based. News media claiming that giving away the news is whats killing it. Nevermind the fact that subscription revenues barely cover printing costs the bulk of media income comes from advertising. Wait, that would mean that bad ad sales are really at fault here. Dont hold your breath waiting for that in-depth analysis. You wont see it, no one wants to go there. Much the same as how your local paper wont go hard after local car dealerships that take out full page ads in the sports section. 8. Swine Flu Latest update: 5 more people died from the swine flu. Additionally, the US government has ponied up $190 million for vaccinations. Thats about $1.9 million for every person whos died so far. Meanwhile, 400 people died from the regular flu since Friday. Off the list from last week:LA Earthquake Pirates (aww) Miss California Slumdog Kid's House Tamil Tigers killed Up and coming:Shark attacks Where the hell are the shark attacks? I think they got pushed back on the schedule by Swine Flu Firework articles Expect a combination of fireworks safety articles along with stories of mishaps as rednecks everywhere (including myself) combine alcohol with explosives. Traffic on the 4th of July Hey! Theres going to be traffic on the 4th of July! This has never happened before. And now, Fark.com's best Headlines of the Week:Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-05-17 to Sat 2009-05-23: IRS issues scam alert. Warns taxpayers about schemes to get your money and send it overseas, or to people who didn't earn it, or to pay off other pyramid schemes...hey, wait a minute Quadruple amputee settles lawsuit. High five The Pope encourages young people to use the internet, but says they have to use the same computer for the rest of their lives and they'll go to hell if they use any anti-virus software 54 B.C. passport applications lost. Surely they're expired by now Police find missing 555-lb teenager by looking in any direction Math teacher dismayed to discover she can't get 17 into 37 more than twice Strong quake shakes Mexico City. Ay, Carrumble Someone steals hood of van. Police suspect hoodlums Machete fight breaks out between rival gangs of karaoke singers. Local hospital treating injured confirms "They will survive, they will survive, hey hey" Researcher whose work led to the development of Viagra has passed away. Funeral home struggles with pesky coffin lid Honolulu's Internet vote is first in nation, says mayor-elect Rick Astley Sports: New York Mets lose after baserunner misses third base and defense makes five errors, expect to lose sponsorship from Chico's Bail Bonds Brett Favre will not have sugrey on his injrued amr aftre all Police search for missing 75 year-old basketball player, call up the New York Knicks to see if they signed him Geek: Canadians to build largest optical telescope in the world, capable of looking 6,000 years back into the past when the universe was created (pics) Scientists create realistic soccer-playing robots. Bonus: video shows exactly one kick and the robots falling over 14 times, making it extremely lifelike A wood powered pickup truck gets 5,000 mile per cord. Oak, spruce or ash, nobody rides for free Showbiz: Steven Spielberg signs on to direct Martin Luther King, Jr. biopic. James Earl Ray's rifle to be replaced with walkie-talkie Gay sex movie from China causes controversy at Cannes, not that there's anything Wong with that "My Name is Earl" to be picked up by TBS, will promptly be renamed "Tyler Perry's 'My Name is Tyler' starring Tyler Perry" Politics: Bill Clinton to be named special UN envoy to Haiti. Presumably, Hillary wanted him sent somewhere he'd be deathly afraid to have sex with anyone Congressman Steven LaTourette addresses Rahm Emanuel as "motherf*cker" at public banquet. If only there were some sort of medical syndrome that could explain such an inappropriate burst of profanity Bush says cleaning up his dog's droppings is a sobering reminder that he's no longer president. Obama says cleaning up the Bush administration's droppings is a sobering reminder that he is Music: Police arrests at Springsteen concert include 30 for underage drinking. In other news, at least 30 people under age 50 attended last night's Springsteen concert Jarvis Cocker says Pulp will never reunite. He said this in a supermarket - I don't know why but he had to say it somewhere, so he said it there Philip Glass discusses his music. Philip Glass discusses his music. Philip Glass discusses his music. Philip Glass discusses his music. Philip Glass discusses his music. Philip Glass discusses his music Business: American Express to 4000 employees: "Don't leave home" Target profit beats estimates on news that people are still willing to pay 20% more than Walmart for the same stuff on clean floors HP profit drops; 6,400 workers to get the boot (6,218 after formatting)
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In the tradition of ESPN's MLB Power Rankings, where the rankings are fairly arbitrary but they still get read, here are this week's Media Hype Power Rankings. 1. LA EarthquakeDo quakes in California even rate as news? Everyone I've ever met there ignores them unless something tips over. This one will be out of the rankings tomorrow unless it causes a swine flu outbreak somehow. 2. Swine FluAny time the words Swine Flu gets mentioned in a headline, people click the hell out of it. Combine this with MSM's desire to make their nonstop coverage of this overblown non-event look like it wasn't a horrendous mistake and we've got a resurgence of a story that was at the bottom of the rankings up until today. Some poor guy died of it over the weekend, EVERYBODY PANIC. Expect this one to drop way down tomorrow unless someone else dies of it. By the way, a daily average of 100 people died from the regular flu yesterday... 3. Tamil Tigers leader killedOMG some actual real news. This'll be gone tomorrow unless some topless photos of the rebel leader appear. God help us if that happens. 4. Bad economyHey the economy sucks, didn't know if you noticed. Variations on people losing houses, jobs, etc. abound. 5. Space Shuttle Disaster?Anytime media covers the space shuttle, it's in anticipation of a disaster. Kind of like NASCAR and wrecks. Anyhow, media's keeping an eye on this one as the Hubble Telescope gets repaired. Don't expect massive coverage unless someone drops a bag of tools like last time. Speaking of which, there's an iPhone app that tracks the orbiting toolbag. Nifty. 6. Death of newspapersThis story's not going anywhere. The only area of expertise MSM has is all about journalism and news media. They love talking about it. Variations of this include "hey let's charge for content" and "you'll miss us when we're gone!" 7. Twitter navelgazingMedia is fascinated with Twitter. It's a combination of how Twitter breaks news (assuming you can spot it in the vast mass of mundane twattings) and "wow look at me I'm a media person and I have a thousand Twitter followers." This may have come full circle now that there's been an article on how Sockington the Cat amassed 500,000+ followers. I would say it's the Jump the Shark moment for Twitter, except that if Ashton Kutcher hitting a million didn't do it, I don't know what will. 8. Miss CaliforniaShe's got BOOBS, man, and anytime she opens her mouth she says something dumb. She's a walking, taking media soundbite generator. With BOOBS, man. She dropped down the list this weekend due to a lack of new topless photos. Here's hoping, though. 9. Slumdog stars living in povertyYes it's a tragedy but for some reason this keeps getting flogged in MSM about once a week. It started when slumdog kid's dad attempted to sell her to an undercover London tabloid reporter. Latest update: they're still living in poverty, but now they don't even have a house--that got knocked down by bulldozers. 10. PiratesPirates? No idea what you're talking about. This is so two weeks ago. But they're still really cool. ARRRR. Up and coming11. Obama's a racistAt the White House Correspondent's Association Dinner, President Obama made a joke about permanently fake-tanned GOP leader John Boehner saying he was a "person of color". Conservative media ought to get a day or two of traction out of this one. It'll go the entire week if Obama apologizes for it. 12. Pakistan's adding more nukesEVERYBODY PANIC. Expect this to jump into the top 10 shortly if nothing else happens, it's a good panic button issue. 13. Maureen Dowd plagiarismMaureen Dowd admitted to copying from another blogger - actually she admitted to hearing a friend repeat a paragraph that she didn't know was from another blogger and somehow managed to remember it word for word with only one subtle change. I call bullshiat. Nonetheless, no one gives a shiat about plagiarism but media does. Media loves taking about bad media, it's like blood in the water, And she's liberal, so slamming her should be a good way to appear to be impartial. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-05-10 to Sat 2009-05-16: Giant translucent blobs appearing on British beaches. But enough about the English holidaymakers, this is a story about a four-foot jellyfish New Detroit mayor turns down mansion offer, even though no official rule prohibits accepting gifts under $25 Sweet potato spill causes massive traffic yam Woman busted for having sex with underage boys, with mugshot equivalent of being dealt 15 in blackjack 75-year-old granny has "designer vagina" operation to improve her sex life. The sun hasn't been there in years The rain in Spain shows traces of cocaine South Dakota's hispanic population has doubled since 2000. Miguel reportedly happy to finally have some company Actual headline: "Recession Drives Moms to Drink, Do Drugs and Gamble." So...silver lining City wants to build a shelter for chronically jobless people which will have no restrictions on alcohol use. Don't most universities already have these? World's tallest dog has leg amputated. Sounds like he'll need a Great Cane Bristol Palin graduates from high school, despite failing Trig Sports: Streaker charged with interrupting a professional sporting event. Defense lawyer asks for charge to be dropped because it was a Mets game Brett Favre visits renowned surgeon Dr. James Andrews regarding his partially torn biceps tendon because it's really, really important that he doesn't have arm pain when driving his tractor on his farm NASCAR allows Jeremy Mayfield to drive because he did not test positive for performance-enhancing drugs... which should have been obvious to anybody who has seen him race the past few years Geek: Oldest human hairs ever found were located in hyena dung. Apparently, early man was delicious Intelligent women enjoy sex more, probably because they're smart enough not to be having it with you Scientists create nuclear fuel more dense than the core of the sun; half as dense as Glenn Beck Showbiz: "Cheers" star John Ratzenberger files restraining order against girlfriend, goes into long-winded explanation that country music often leads to cars getting set on fire Today in 1944, George Lucas was born. The birth was filmed in 8mm, re-released in 1965 in Super-8 with updated placenta effects, and remastered on Blu-Ray in 2008 with Hayden Christiansen's face superimposed over Dad's Charges dropped against man accused of shooting at Dog the Bounty Hunter. Dog says he hasn't filed civil suit, still needs to mullet over Politics: High Court Derby field is set and five of the six are fillies; however, Old White Guy is still the odds-on favorite to win Although they represent only a fraction of Americans, public-sector labor unions have become the most powerful political force in US government. Submitter would write more, but it's time for his break Obama performs first miracle, resurrects military tribunals for terror suspects Music: Chris Brown says those naked pics of Rihanna are fake because her whole body is exposed and not one bruise can be seen If you're a guitarist having to choose between two bands and the better choice is the band with Fred Durst in it, you're really in a bad spot in life Britney Spears spent $450,000 on security on her last tour. That's a lot of money to protect the general public from chlamydia and hepatitis B Business: General Motors bankruptcy inevitable. GM shares set to fall like a rock. OOOOOOHHHHH like a rock Seagate shows 1,100 employees to the other side of the partition GM tells 2,000 dealers they can no longer sell GM cars. Dealers reply, "Duh, that's pretty much the problem"
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