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Drew sets up Fark's Media Power Rankings, and recognizes some of our favorite Headlines of the Week for 7/12 - 7/18
Posted by Drew at 2009-07-20 12:58:36 PM (19 comments) | Permalink

Is it Monday already? Must be time for Fark's Media Power Rankings for this week:

1. 40th anniversary of Moon landings

This is all well and good, if not for CNN's craptacular summary of all the reasons the moon landings were believed to be faked. Thanks for spreading that one around again guys. On the other hand, people dumb enough to believe in faked moon landings probably are dumb enough to believe any other random thing they hear.

2. Swine Flu

This one's just not going away, mainly because no media outlet wants to get caught with their pants down in case September rolls around and bodies start stacking up in the streets. MSM hedges toward pessimism because no one ever gets called out for expecting a worst case scenario. God forbid you're wrong on expecting a best case scenario because that makes you a moron, but being wrong on a worst case scenario is just good fortune.

3. Health Care reform

Considering none of the 'experts' can agree if Obama's health care reform is going to save or kill the economy, I expect this will run for quite awhile. Even better, toss in a mix of pundits whose job is to push the idea one way or the other along ideological grounds and the stage is set for confusion all the way.

4. Iran

The revolution may be over but there's still a split inside the government. In particular, the opposition held a sermon/rally over the weekend where the main chant was "Death to Russia". The idea being that the party in power is a pawn of the Russian government. Gotta wonder how Russia feels about that, given they're next door. They shouldn't worry too much, some Iranians were chanting "Death to China" last week. They better pray no one takes them seriously.

5. Planes falling out of the sky

We've had enough planes crash lately to get the media on the topic of "Is Our Planes Safes? Oh noes!"

6. Cronkite's death = death of media

Walter Cronkite passed a few days ago, but a) given the current media climate and b) media loves talking about media, look for the tie-ins between the End of The Cronkite Era and The Death of All Media. These end up being mainly variations of "You'll miss us when we're gone!" My personal favorite so far has been a journalist complaining that back in the old days people trusted media (step 1), and now we don't (step 3). Here's a news flash for you: Step 2 was asstastic journalism.

7. Shark attacks

An old summer standby. Especially since they've been spotted near New York, invoking the Proximity to New York City media rule (which states anything close to NYC is more likely to get media coverage). One interesting twist on the shark scare stories is that thanks to overfishing, now a third of the shark species are now classified as endangered. Must be hard to choose between the eyeball-grabbing shark attack stories and the environmentally conscious urge to protect sharks generally for the good of the ocean's biological balance. Sharks probably fart rainbows too.

8. Stories of hope from a bad economy

Bad Economy Will Eat Your Children has been beaten to death, so now it's time for the upswing. Stories of the Underdog as laid-off folks get creative to get by. And if you think it's bad now, just wait until Christmas.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-07-12 to Sat 2009-07-18:  Linda the female penguin breaks up homosexual nesting couple at San Francisco Zoo. B*tch  Jane Roe, from Roe V. Wade, arrested in anti-abortion protest. Can this woman commit to anything?  British woman nearly crashes car after windscreen viper activates suddenly  Man who killed wife with barbecue fork sentenced, hopes to get credit for tine served  Airliner crashes shortly after takeoff in Iran. Death toll currently 168 but expected to rise as government buses arrive with detained protestors  Forgotten Miami cemetery from the 1900s unearthed; Florida welcomes its youngest residents  Once-trendy "Crocs" could be on their last legs. Submitter sheds a tear while feigning a false or insincere emotional concern  Virgin Mary spotted in bird droppings. Holy crap  Circumcision study cut short  Iowa State Fair web voters say "no" to Michael Jackson butter statue. No recount needed, as the results of the poll were well outside the margarine of error  Cannes cans cans

Sports:  Former NFL wide receiver Andre Rison still insists he was the best ever. Maybe not, but his late girlfriend threw the best BBQs at his house  If you've got three hours, we've got Mets injury updates  Notre Dame to play Army at Yankee Stadium in 2010. Subby suggests scheduling the game in October to avoid a double-booking

Geek:  Slime mold displays surprising degree of intelligence, ponders 2012 presidential bid  Jellyfish invade beaches in Wales in what authorities call a spineless attack  NASA tells astronauts not to worry, those dings will buff right out

Showbiz:  Transvestite makes a fortune dressing like Madonna, which is only fair since Madonna makes a fortune dressing like a transvestite  Lance Bass still wants to be launched into space. We are all behind you, Lance  PepsiCo angered by release of Michael Jackson's fire footage, reminds you that coke burned Richard Pryor

Politics:  McCain: "Palin didn't quit, she changed her priorities." In related news, your mom isn't a slut, she's just popular  Democrat Judy Chu wins special election for California house seat, becomes first Chinese American congresswoman. Welcome to the Big League, Chu  Bankrupt Iceland asks to join European Union, crash on its couch

Music:  Tokio Hotel drummer beaten with beer bottles at bar fight. As if you wouldn't  Stage being built for Madonna's show in France collapses leaving one dead, 13 crushed for the very first time  In latest proof that the Apocalypse is all but upon us, disco is making a comeback. Submitter is sure this is in the Book of Revelation somewhere

Business:  Moody's downgrades California's bond ratings to "Rob Schneider movie"  Harley-Davidson axes 1,000 jobs as consumers turn away from bikes that represent the pinnacle of 1955 engineering and leak more oil than the Exxon Valdez  Volkswagen buys Porsche for $11.28 billion. Mid-life crisis accomplished
· · ·

Drew sets the betting line for news stories coming up this week: Embarrassing keg stand photos of Sotomayor are the longshot at 207:1. Also, some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week from 7/5 - 7/11
Posted by Drew at 2009-07-13 12:49:55 PM (36 comments) | Permalink

Lots happening in the news last week, but very little of it original. Michael Jackson is still dead -- for now, at least -- nobody is sure how Iran will shake out, and North Korea's tantrums are comical, and with Kim Jong Il being sick with possible pancreatic cancer and having only two weeks
six months
five years to live, the speculation could last a while.

But the media doesn't need to worry about any of that, because they're sitting pretty with a full week of Sotomayor confirmation hearings. Also, publicists are working overtime for the summer movies, so expect more bullshiat stories about anybody related to any of the following upcoming movies: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, The Ugly Truth, Funny People, and Inglourious Basterds. Oh, and Lady Gaga will be in the news again, primarily on the basis of her main talent, which is being in the news.

More than ever, it helps to have a handy guide to let you know what to look for, so this week Fark is setting the betting line on stories you will might hear this week, and dropping odds on which ones will probably shake out and which ones won't:

- Shark attack makes national news (2:1)

- Said shark attack does not involve actual injury except to surfboard (4:1)

- Dubious connection made between Michael Jackson's death and global warming (3:2)

- Errant North Korea test rocket inadvertently sinks one of its own ships (85:1)

- Fairly hot female teacher taps underage student like he was a fraternity keg (3:2)

- Shaquille O'Neal practices with Cleveland Cavaliers, promptly injures finger tweeting it (3:1)

- Nudity + driving arrest (5:4)

- Major scientific breakthrough rescinded two days after being announced (9:1)

- Female entertainer suggests she likes to play for both teams *wink* (3:2)

- A tragic reminder of the dangers of car surfing (5:1)

- Darwin award + "alcohol may have been a factor" (2:1)

- Embarrassing keg stand photos of Sotomayor revealed during confirmation (207:1)

So that's all we have for now. Place your bets, we may have a busy week.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-07-05 to Sat 2009-07-11:  Midgets call on the FCC to legally, most regally, reliably, certifiably, undeniably ban the word Midget  Man has five kidneys. Says he'd rather have five penises so his pants would fit like a glove  Cops cite a woman after she was singing an expletive-filled N.W.A. song. Talk about a bad rap  Two-year-old boy's body stolen from grave; authorities dispatched to the Staples Center as a precautionary measure  Drunken farm tractor driver leads police on slow chase; police await official results of BAC test, but expect driver was really plowed  "Baby Floats Recalled." Maybe the root beer was too warm and the babies melted  Orlando among the worst on list of cities with best drivers. Submitter laughs at these bad drivers, and can even post on Fark while d  There is a wallaby loose in Muncie, Indiana. Last seen hanging out with a turtle and a cow near a comic book store  Dead in Chicago suburb rise from the grave. You'd think it was election day  Patronizing Tijuana hookers while on drugs may be unhealthy, according to Dr. N.S. Sherlock, of the Doy Institute  Gay couple handcuffed and cited for trespassing after one kissed the other on the cheek in the Mormon temple plaza. Church officials say they've never seen such an inappropriate display in all their wives

Sports:  Indians GM: Wedge's job safe for rest of year. After helping blow up two Death Stars, it should be  Horse dies in chuckwagon race. Failed to escape from family dog by running under dining room table  Monica Seles gets to take a stab at a Hall of Fame acceptance speech

Geek:  New device monitors your heart rate and posts it on Twitter. If only they had these when Abe Vigoda was alive  Good language skills in your youth may stave off Alzheimer's later. Good news for us people who have a way with words, not so much for those of you have way, I guess  New software lets you send voice-activated text messages from your cell phone. Finally, a way to use your voice on your cell phone

Showbiz:  Al Sharpton demands "Michael Jackson" postage stamp, so little boys can lick him  ♫ Spider bite ♫ Spider bite ♫ It was just an injection site ♫ Drug abuse, he denied ♫ But it seems MJ lied ♫ Look out ♫ That's not a spider bite ♫  Austrians think Bruno is pretty funny. But then, they also think Vegemite is edible

Politics:  White House, hospitals reach deal on health care. Vice President Joe Biden announced the deal at the White House today, so expect a retraction from Obama shortly  John the Maverick, Caribou Barbie, Joe the Plumber and now Fireman Frank. This isn't a political party, it's an episode of Pee Wee's Playhouse  NY Times reveals that it was Cheney who ordered the CIA to lie to Congress. This revelation is about as surprising as a totally unsurprising thing that isn't at all suprising

Music:  "Nine Inch Nails announce intimate US shows." Intimate like an animal, I hope  George Fullerton, the musician who helped Leo Fender create his guitars, dies at the age of 86. I'm gonna pick up my Rock Band Fender Stratocaster and play you a song. Red blue, green, blue, orange. That was for you, buddy  Jay-Z close to signing a book deal. It's got 99 chapters, but a page ain't one

Business:  Oil under $60 on news that Obama and Sarkozy reach 17-year Brazilian drilling agreement  Walgreen's opens first Alaskan store in Wasilla after it became obvious last year that the community needed greater access to birth control and magazines  Rent-to-own stores thriving in latest proof that Americans aren't getting any better at math
· · ·

How the news has become a Top 10 list. Plus Headlines of the Week
Posted by Drew at 2009-07-06 1:30:45 PM, edited 2009-07-06 2:05:17 PM (52 comments) | Permalink

The Mainstream Media has been so dominated by weird celebrity deaths that there isn't much to talk about. I'm not aware of any stories where embellishment beyond a sentence or two would be anything other than repetition. What little real news exists is so easy to sum up, it feels like it'd fit in a Top Ten list.

10. Robert Macnamara
He was still alive? Everyone under 40 scratches their heads wondering who he was. Everyone over 40 is too busy getting the grey out of their hair and popping blue pills to care anymore.

9. iPhone 3G - is it faster?
Yes. Yes it is.

8. Swine flu - still going to kill us all*
(* as long as you have "serious underlying health problems")

7. McNair (not McNabb, or McDonald for that matter) - WTF?
You know how it's a murder-suicide? When the police come out and say directly "We haven't yet ruled it a murder-suicide."

6. Mark Sanford
The guy was given a gift from god in the form of Michael Jackson's death, and he ruined it by opening his big mouth. It's as if he likes being beat up by the media.

5. Fuss about Iran but not Honduras
Honduras doesn't have a nuclear weapons program. Or oil. End of story.

4. Running of the Bulls Starts today
Get ready for two weeks of crotch-punching photos of gore making the rounds on MSM.

3. Shark attacks
The old MSM standby. A woman was attacked by one this weekend, but too many celebrity deaths prevented it from getting any traction. The next one should fire up the shark season - especially if it's a celebrity who gets chewed up by one.

2. Palin - WTF?
Personally my money's on her having taken advice to get out of a position to make decisions where she could be attacked for them in
the next election. It's a much less interesting reason than most pundits would like but I suspect that's it.

1. Michael Jackson
Yup, he's still dead. If anyone has anything hugely embarrassing to announce that might impact a national or world stage, tomorrow is the day to do it.

Maybe next week we'll have some more complicated issues to discuss. Or maybe we'll get lucky and we won't. Living in Interesting Times is overrated.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-06-28 to Sat 2009-07-04:  Aussie adults fail spelling bee. How embaras- embarrras- shameful  Woman's cancer vanishes after prayers to 19th-century priest. Church to consider "Post hoc ergo propter hoc"  Two federal lawsuits allege using a dog's discerning crotch-sniffing ability to identify suspects in "scent lineups" is nothing more than junk science  We regret to inform you that your Czechs have bounced  CNBC host complains "anonymous bloggers" have been mocking him and his show, saying he looks like Beaker from the Muppets. Ends up in a train wreck of a rant that... MEEP, MEEP, MEEP, MEEP, MEEP  It costs $900 to haul a dead body to the morgue in Chicago - not including cab fare to the voting booth  Man gets charged with 9th DUI while serving time for 8th DUI, gets crowned king of Wisconsin  Fortune teller convinces teenage girls that having sex with him will make wishes come true. Of course, he didn't say whose wishes  One British child under the age of 12 needs hospital treatment every 48 hours for drinking too much. You'd think he'd have learned his lesson by now  Misplaced period lands man in jail, rather than the more traditional marriage  Guy tries to go fishing with dynamite, winds up getting real chummy with the fish

Sports:  Researchers determine what makes a great football player. That's football as in 'soccer', so weighing 380lbs and being able to lumber around for up to eight seconds before needing sideline oxygen did not figure  Phillies' Bastardo aches from ailing shoulder, lack of Father's Day celebration  Former Yankee Jim Leyritz charged with battery. First steroids in baseball, now there were robots too?

Geek:  Acer to overtake Dell as number two PC maker. Confused subby thought they were always a number two PC maker  Scientists release several hundred guppies into two rivers, one with predators and one without, to see how they adapt. After some interesting initial results, researchers ready for betta testing  AOL accused of secretly upgrading old customers and threatening them with mystery bills. Choose your headline ending: (A) In other news, AOL is still around; (B) No, this is not a repeat from 1995; (C) You've got blackmail

Showbiz:  I see a bad film a-risin' / I see a bomb on the way / I see CG and bad lighting / I see bad reviews today  Amy Adams to star in a new movie about boxing. She'll play a "tough, gritty bartender" who's a former high-jumper. Good role for a woman who's barely over five feet and about as gritty as a ShamWow  Shrek sidekick Donkey voted the most-loved movie animal, slightly ahead of Joan Cusack

Politics:  Obama announces plans to vacation on Cape Cod this year instead of making usual pilgrimage to Mecca  Mark Sanford says that his Argentinean mistress is his soul mate, forgetting that as a politician he has no soul  Both John Ensign and Mark Sanford are part of a secretive church called the Family that believes the free market is sacred. Apparently Jesus is cool with adultery but not Social Security

Music:  Michael Jackson set to release his boobieshumous album  Iron Maiden and ACDC competing for 'band of the year' honours. This is not a repeat from 1981  Amy Winehouse is coming out with a line of greeting cards. Under NO circumstances should you lick the envelope

Business:  Bernie Madoff sentenced to 150 years of having massive amounts of capital injected into his backdoor hedge fund  Unemployed newspaper reporters increasingly turning to crack, shoplifting meat and sleeping in ATMs, just like every other liberal arts graduate in the universe  Gerry Pasciucco's mission: Unwind AIG's portfolio of 44,000 long-dated derivatives with a notional value of $2 trillion, close the unit, then fire everyone and resign. His next trick will be to invent a perpetual motion machine
· · ·

Drew talks about the media frenzy surrounding Michael Jackson's death and also shares some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week 6/21 - 6/27
Posted by Drew at 2009-06-29 11:39:36 AM (69 comments) | Permalink

There's really only one story to talk about this week: Michael Jackson's death. You'd think that MJ's death was just the latest in a long string of celebrity not-news flashes that engrossed the media beyond all reason. But I actually have to give them a pass on this one.

In the 10 years Fark has been around, there are only two events that almost crashed the site. One was 9/11. The other one was Michael Jackson's trial verdict announcement.

Why? Possibly because Michael Jackson is interesting to a large percentage of the general population. Even if you didn't grow up with his music, odds are you're still familiar with it. Then there's the freakshow factor. Every element of MJ's life was bizarre, and the constant attention on every facet of his behavior caused him to act even more bizzare.

It's not that Michael Jackson's passing is important news, because it certainly isn't. However, given his status as arguably the most recognized celebrity on the face of the planet, there is still a lot of mystery to be solved, including why he died, what lead him down the path of dying (relatively) young, and how many people in his past are going to come forward with vastly different stories than they've previously told the media (my money is on all of them). A huge portion of the population is interested in MJ news and they're stampeding online to find every shred of information about his death, to the point that Google thought that all the Michael Jackson searches last week were a DDoS attack.

To the credit of MSM outlets everywhere, most of them continue to cover Iran news in the midst of this MJ onslaught -- even though there's every indication that the Iran situation has played itself out (for now at least).

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-06-21 to Sat 2009-06-27:  New Zealand lawmakers are looking for cheaper ways to house their prisoners. Apparently they don't realize how close to Australia they are  Three dogs added to TSA staff in effort to increase communication skills, mean intelligence  Today, seventy-seven members of Congress urged President Obama to issue an immediate moratorium on further gay discharges. This issue, which has already affected many seamen, could snowball even further if no action is taken  "Victorian man diagnosed with swine flu dies." ZOMG IT CAN TIME TRAVEL111  CDC data shows HIV infection rates greater in the South but at least it stays within the same family  Truck carrying a load of pigs overturns on interstate, witnesses report multiple cases of swine flew  Researchers find evolution in warmer climates occurs faster, giving birth to the "Florida Paradox"  Iran's supreme leader calls for tolerance toward protesters that have not yet been arrested, shot, or beaten  Astronut Lisa Nowak's trial to move forward following appeal and diaper change, to remain released on own incontinence  Gay rights activists unhappy with church's exorcism of teen's "homosexual demons." The power of Christian Dior compels you  Pelham middle school teacher meets horny 15 yr-old online, thinks taking her virginity will be easy as 1 2 3    

Sports:  NL Rookie of the Year misunderstands when coaches tell him they want him to hit .420    

  Dates and locations for all NFL summer training camps, for those football fans eagerly awaiting the new season. Plus you Browns fans  Kansas City Royal pitcher Sidney Ponson tested positive for the stimulant and weight loss drug Phentermine. Ponson is currently 1-5 with a 7.27 ERA and weighs 250 lbs, so he really should ask for a refund    

Geek:  Sea turtle that lost flippers to shark attack fitted with artificial flippers so it can be attacked by shark again  Indian CEO says most US tech grads are unemployable, have unintelligible accents, smell like beef stew    

  Pigeons "make good art critics", presumably because all they ever do is shiat all over everything, just like real critics    

Showbiz:  Black-Eyed-Perez  Ratings were up as millions watched Jon & Kate's marriage fail; making it the first time millions got to watch marriage fail since election night in California  Michael Jackson's autopsy underway. Coroner struggling with first question: "Race: __________"    

Politics:  Missing: One Governor of South Carolina, white, Republican, has all shots, answers to "Mark"  

  White House appoints first envoy to a rogue Arab country in four years. Syriasly    

  Ugandan rebels found to have killed 1,200 Congolese this year, 1,201 if you include that son of a biatch Van Owen, who blew off Roland's head    


  Gorbachev's CD of love ballads fetches $165,000 at auction. Album is said to start strong but collapses under its own ambition a few songs in. CD is near-mint condition, except for a small blotch in the top-right corner  Katy Perry would like everyone to know that she is not a lesbian per se, but she does enjoy hitting on attractive women. She may not have released a second album yet, but she's clearly doing her best to market the first  Rihanna and Chris Brown want restraining order lifted. You can't beat that    

Business:  MySpace workers to have 300 fewer friends. Mood: Sad  New home sales fall unexpectedly according to people who just got to 2009 by way of a DeLorean  R.I. newspaper to charge customers twice as much to view their website than paper subscriptions. That ought to sustain them until this silly Internet thing blows over
· · ·

Drew's interview about Iran and the disputed re-election of President Ahmatotaldouchebag. Also, some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week 6/14 - 6/20
Posted by Drew at 2009-06-22 12:58:23 PM (127 comments) | Permalink

I was going to write up a posting this week discussing the Iran thing that we've been following, but since I already discussed it in the following video, I figured it would be faster to just link to it:

With Iran on the razor's edge, Fark takes sides

Also, some of our favorite headlines from last week.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-06-14 to Sat 2009-06-20:  Lightning strikes kill 16 cows standing in a puddle. Well done  Blind and deaf man to lead Amazon expedition. As far as he knows  North Korea warns the U.S. of a "thousand fold" military action. Great, now they are attacking us with origami  Good news: searchers have recovered 400 pieces of Air France 447 wreckage. Bad news: that's two pieces of wreckage per passenger, so from here on out folks need to start paying the $25 additional wreckage piece fee  British Prime Minister sets up a PMS "working group". Bloody hell  Driving buses is just like starring in porn films, you wait ages and then three come at once  Nude Hiking Day is Sunday. Watch out for bares  Bookshops apologise for including 'The Crimes of Josef Fritzl' in their 'Gifts for Father's Day' displays; Have promised that from now on they'll keep them in best-cellars  St. Anthony statue stolen from chapel. If only there was a patron saint of lost items the faithful could pray to in hopes of finding it  Researchers in Maine find a sturgeon, for the very first time. A stuuurrrgeon. Oooh, oooh, oooh  British weigh 'I before E' rule, seize on surfeit of exceptions, deign to let teachers' consciences be sovereign in paying it obeisance

Sports:  Phil Mickelson says his wife wants a US Open trophy. In other news, Phil Mickelson's wife now dating Tiger Woods  Disgraced ex-NBA ref out of prison. The striped uniforms didn't bother him, but he's still pissed about the hard fouls from behind  Kim Jong Il scores 48 bicycle-kick goals to qualify North Korea for World Cup

Geek:  Scientists discover dinosaur that looked and acted like a parrot, say it appears to have shown some level of symbiosis with the Western Piratesaur  Scientists discuss "sonic" black hole that sucks in all sound, are surprised no one seems to have heard of it before  The downside of red hot chili peppers is that they are less drought tolerant, more vulnerable to ant attacks, and every fourth song is about California

Showbiz:  Hundreds of celebrities and hangers-on honor David Carradine at funeral  Drew Carey's cameo appearance to make CBS' "The Bold and the Beautiful" 50% less accurate  Bündchendeoven

Politics:  Ahmasteelinyurelection insists that there are no serious challenges to the election results, has always been at war with Eastasia, these are not the droids you are looking for  Republican Senator admits to extramarital affair WITH A WOMAN  Australian senate removes screaming baby from Parliament chambers. One down, seventy-six to go

Music:  Def Leppard closes Download Festival with stirring tribute to drummer Rick Allen. Out of respect, fans held their applause  Aerosmith grateful for "Guitar Hero", botox, Viagra  Moby says the RIAA needs to be dissolved. This was followed by 8 minutes of him repeating the same sentence to various drum beats backed by violins and guitars

Business:  MySpace slashes itself by 30%, a move that resonates with its user base  Best Buy unveils new commercial touting that their employees are more knowledgeable than Walmart's. No mention that so are several forms of phytoplankton, amoebas and bean dip  Report: Chinese company Geely to buy Volvo, move to suburb, raise children
· · ·

Middlesex Facebook middle school sex booking, past Pat Pat Pass pissed, and Jehovah's Witnesses in your doorway: Headlines of the Week 6/7 to 6/13
Posted by Drew at 2009-06-15 1:55:52 PM (23 comments) | Permalink

No special posting this week, just enjoy the headlines.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-06-07 to Sat 2009-06-13:  Car plows into a tour bus carrying the Sisters of the Most Precious Blood. Nun killed  A 15-year-old girl who claimed Home Depot employees rescued her from her kidnapper later revealed the story was a hoax. Police became suspicious when she claimed she was able to find help at Home Depot  Notebook of Picasso sketches stolen. Not surprisingly, French police have their noses bent out of shape over this  Chili's, Steak and Ale founder Norman Brinker dead at 78, presumably from starvation while waiting for his lame-ass waiter to bring the goddamn appetizer he ordered an hour ago  Homeless couple finally receive their high school diplomas, hope to save up for a wall to hang them on  Airman facing rape charges after being booked in Middlesex for sex with middle school girl he met on Facebook  Women in stable relationships sleep better than those who have just broken up with a partner. The trick is putting down fresh hay  Whale sinks British couple's yacht. Husband vows to get his revenge, however long it takes  Congress proposes allowing the FCC to limit TV ad volume. BILLY MAYS IS NOT AMUSED  Thief steals identity of police identity theft investigator, charges $2,000 worth of irony on his credit card  Police arrest serial plant thief, should begonia way for a long time

Sports:  David Ortiz passes eye exam, a test that apparently had nothing resembling a baseball  Montana joins Washington, much to the surprise of Idaho  Pats pass on past Pat Pat Pass. Past Pat Pass passed pissed

Geek:  Biggest Black Hole ever Found in Nearby Galaxy. EVERYBODY PAN..I....................C  Male hummingbirds break the speed record for fastest sex in the animal kingdom, a record which has stood since your conception  Jehovah's Witnesses more likely to die in childbirth. Also more likely to be standing in doorway in event of earthquake

Showbiz:  Carradine family asks the FBI to determine who rubbed out David, will have HBO's forensics master Baden perform autopsy  Distant relative of Leo Tolstoy facing hard times, just keeps going on and on about it  "I'm Jessica Alba, I'm Jessica Alba, I'm cleared of all charges, I'M JESSICA ALBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"  

Politics:  ♫ All the leaves are brown ♫ And the sky is gray ♫ California welfare ♫ Is gonna go awaaaaaaaaay ♫  Democrats trying to give the mentally ill free healthcare, or as they call it, "playing to the base"  Republicans: "Obama's health care plan is a tough pill to swallow." Obama: "Good news - it's a suppository"

Music:  The Black Eyed Peas' tour makes Fergie sick. Take a number and get in line, sister  Not news: 40 years ago today a man was kicked out of a band. News: It was Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones. Fark: Mick and Keith said he was doing too many drugs. Dude, if Keith says you're overdoing it ... get help, man. Get help  Chris Martin will not make a solo album unless he and Gwyneth Paltrow split. So here's to hoping they have a long and happy marriage

Business:  Wagging tongues say Aer Lingus faces "most difficult period in its history," pays lip services to mounds of debt but hopes to lick financial woes and snatch victory from jaws of defeat  Despite the best efforts of subby's wife, Prada is €600 million in debt  Amazon pays Toys "Я" Us $51 million to Яesolve contЯact dispute
· · ·

Cuddling sharks, Egyptian weenectomies and the Gayest Place on Earth: Headlines of the Week 5/31 to 6/6
Posted by Drew at 2009-06-08 2:44:36 PM (28 comments) | Permalink

No posting this week.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-05-31 to Sat 2009-06-06:  Egyptian man cuts off own penis. Osirisly  "You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel"  Some guy in California who had 13 expensive rabbits just reported to police he had 77 rabbits stolen. Thief spotted in truck with 200 rabbits. Police hope to recover the 42,987 rabbits by tomorrow  North Korea begins assembling a long range rocket in their attempts to further map the local seabed  Controversial topless coffee shop goes tits up  Harvard to offer endowed professorship in gay studies, which doesn't mean what you think it means  Thousands of chickens die in fire. Firefighters struggle to control flames, appetites  Tourette's most common in white kids, boys, c**ks**kers  Oregon teen struck by lightning, immediately grounded  Police search for rocket man responsible for launching 7 ft long civilian-made rockets that buzzed two Continental airlines planes in the skies over Houston sometime around zero hour 9:00 AM  "Gay Days" at Disneyworld expected to bring in $100 million. A hundred million sweaty, buff, tan, oiled up, leather-wearing dollars

Sports:  Just as the Yankees get their Wang fixed, the Mets break their Putz  Amanda Hubbard of Georgia wins three gold medals at U.S. National Weightlifting Championships. I told you her snatch was impressive  The demolition of Tiger Stadium was halted by a judge Friday. Plans are to let it fall apart naturally, like the rest of Detroit

Geek:  Sharks can be "cuddled like Dolphins", according to Dr Stumpy McStumperson from the institute of really bad ideas  Newsweek: American obesity jumps in last year. But not very high  Antioxidants in human sperm reduce facial wrinkles. Here comes the science, it's coming, oh yes get ready it's coming

Showbiz:  Cox and Arquette set to make "Scream 4: Career Death Rattle"  Amy Winehouse wants "black kids" which would really match her liver  Kwai Chang Came

Politics:  Toner, ex-aide to Eisenhower and Nixon, dies, will be shaken and reinserted to work a few more days  Al Gore given License to Il  New Gallup poll reveals Cheney is more popular than Pelosi, much in the same way that prostate exams are more popular than colonoscopies

Music:  Scott Weiland's estranged wife to publish tell-all memoir, marking the first time a heroine will abuse him  Whitney Houston's new album to hit the streets in September, expected to crack the top 10  Kelly Clarkson isn't fazed by fat jokes, vegetables

Business:  Bausch & Lomb settles 600 eye-fungus lawsuits for $250 million. After attorneys fees are paid, plaintiffs aren't expecting to see much  General Motors claims it has 16 potential buyers for Saturn. It is unclear if that's for the actual cars or the brand itself  France's unemployment rate at all time high, or as the French call it, "summer vacation"
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Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week 5/24 - 5/30
Posted by Drew at 2009-06-01 12:21:43 PM (20 comments) | Permalink

No special post today, just enjoy the headlines.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-05-24 to Sat 2009-05-30:  First poop-to-power plant opens in Sanford, FL with many wondering where will number two be?  Montana town makes plea to house Gitmo detainees, saying in Montana they're plenty used to people who speak broken English, have a love of guns and bombs and who hate the U.S. gummint  Dead body found in Des Plaines. No word if there were identifying marks or tattoos  Serial whizzer nabbed in Detroit, will face a jury of his peers  New Zealand zoo keeper feeds tiger. He was delicious  Explosives-packed vehicle destroys police building in Lahore. Lapimp says he has no idea how it got there  Skywalker trampolines recalled, are too dangerous to use. See three PO'd customers who already sued  A look inside North Korea, a nation so backward and brain dead that it makes Arkansas look like the Algonquin Round Table by comparison. Don't feel bad that you didn't understand that reference, Arkansas  $232 million-dollar Powerball sold in Winner, South Dakota. Subby moving to Rich, Arkansas, with a winter home in Big Dick Springs, Kentucky  Kavya Shivashankar wins National Spelling Bee after successfully completing the "Fill In your name" portion of the application  Fire breaks out at petting-zoo, killing 30 animals and causing numerous hand burns

Sports:  Carolina Panthers owner Jerry Richardson makes his first appearance at practice after his heart transplant in February. He would've gotten the new heart sooner, but it got turned over six times on the way  CNNSI takes deep toke off Tom Brady's jockstrap, statistically recreates his lost 2008 season, and concludes he would have thrown for 3,766 yards, 28 TDs, and 12 INTs and won the Super Bowl. And cured cancer and figured out cold fusion  Gay runs fast, but not enough to catch record-breaking Johnson

Geek:  Astronomers are getting a close-up look at a cosmic eating machine that devours the mass equivalent of two Earths per hour and in the past has replaced Shelley Long on "Cheers"  GREat nEws for spies -- New crypto technique aLlows messages to be hIdden riGHT in the basic communication Protocols used in at LEASt 95 pErcent of systems  350-year-old skeleton discovered in England. Fans gather in hopes of hearing latest rendition of Like a Virgin

Showbiz:  Big shot piano man's former drummer sues because he hasn't seen any royalties for the longest time. Entertainer says you may be right, but there's no need to go to extremes  Upcoming Rolling Stone cover story featuring "American Idol" runner-up Adam Lambert will explain what those photos of him on his web site tongue-kissing men and dressed in full drag really mean. We're all just aiken to know  There are plans for a Bazooka Joe movie. Fans demand the movie be faithful to the source and lose flavor after 30 seconds

Politics:  Abbas would like US to push out Netanyahu, states: "If you change your mind, I'm the first in line. Honey I'm still free. Take a chance on me"  Bill Clinton's views on gay marriage evolving, especially when it involves two chicks  Fresh off the breathless reporting yesterday that Obama bought a cheeseburger comes breaking news that he and Michelle are going to watch a Broadway play. It's like Obama sees the entire media as one big Twitter account

Music:  Phil Spector to be sentenced today to at least 15 years of the wall of pound

Business:  Virgin looking to buy Playboy  The "bond vigilantes" are back. "You expect me to buy this 10-year note at just 2 percent?" "No, I expect you to die"  Heinz ... .... .... fourth ... ... ... quarter ... ... ... profits ... ... ... fall ... ... ... ten ... ... ... per ... ... ... cent
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North Korea's nuclear attention whoring and Supreme Court nomination whining: this week's Media Hype Power Rankings (and a couple of our favorite Headlines of the Week 5/17 - 5/23)
Posted by Drew at 2009-05-26 1:03:24 PM (34 comments) | Permalink

Since everyone liked it last week, here's today's Media Hype Power Rankings. If it stays popular, we may make this a regular feature. I tried to find 10 items to rank but since MSM had the day off yesterday, there hasn't been a lot of coverage on anything. So this week, eight is enough.

1. North Korea: Global Attention Whore
North Korea got tired of everyone ignoring it, so it went and set off another nuclear test this weekend. It followed that up with a missile launch. Be interesting to see if China puts its foot down on these shenanigans. North Korea always seems to act up when it wants more foreign aid. The problem with letting them do this is theyre behaving like a 2 year-old child if you let them get away with something theyll keep on pushing. Someone needs to smack these guys down, because in the long run this story ends with these morans having a full blown nuclear arsenal with ICBMs capable of hitting New York.

2. New Supreme Court Nominee
There shouldnt be a peep about this anywhere by next week, unless it turns out that this appointee owes some back taxes just like everyone else the Obama administration picks for positions. By the way, does the Obama Administration do anything without leaking it to the press 24 hours early? Thats a rhetorical question by the way, the answer is no. If youve never noticed this before, keep an eye out.

3. California rules on gay marriage
Expect the usual suspects from both sides to complain about the results, however they end up. For people who dont live in California, heres a short explanation: California screwed itself royally years ago by allowing popular referendums (which cant be overturned by government) on everything under the sun. Last November, one of the referendums was on gay marriage. It didnt pass. The California Supreme Court is ruling today on whether or not banning gay marriage is even constitutional. If this confuses you, dont worry. Its politics.

4. Bad economy
Hey the economy sucks, didn't know if you noticed. Variations on people losing houses, jobs, etc. abound. This inevitably floats toward the top unless something pushes it back down. Latest blip: housing prices slide 20%. In related news, if you want a house in Detroit all you have to do is move into a vacant one and its yours. Youll have to kick out the meth lab folks first though. Also, this just in: oil is expensive.

5. GM going bankrupt
Opinions differ as to the impact on the US economy when this happens. Media musings always talk about the potential GM bankruptcy but cmon, this thing is over and done already. The groundwork was laid in January to prepare the market so the shock wouldnt be huge when it finally hit.

6. Twitter navelgazing
Hey theres going to be a Twitter TV show. The details of which are so vague I cant even write a summary about it. It involves Twitter somehow. This is really just a PR pitch by the guys trying to sell the show to a network. MSM, hook, line, sinker, etc.

7. Death of newspapers
The latest iteration of this: newspapers making rumblings about making all news subscriber-based. News media claiming that giving away the news is whats killing it. Nevermind the fact that subscription revenues barely cover printing costs the bulk of media income comes from advertising. Wait, that would mean that bad ad sales are really at fault here. Dont hold your breath waiting for that in-depth analysis. You wont see it, no one wants to go there. Much the same as how your local paper wont go hard after local car dealerships that take out full page ads in the sports section.

8. Swine Flu
Latest update: 5 more people died from the swine flu. Additionally, the US government has ponied up $190 million for vaccinations. Thats about $1.9 million for every person whos died so far. Meanwhile, 400 people died from the regular flu since Friday.

Off the list from last week:

LA Earthquake
Pirates (aww)
Miss California
Slumdog Kid's House
Tamil Tigers killed

Up and coming:

Shark attacks
Where the hell are the shark attacks? I think they got pushed back on the schedule by Swine Flu

Firework articles
Expect a combination of fireworks safety articles along with stories of mishaps as rednecks everywhere (including myself) combine alcohol with explosives.

Traffic on the 4th of July
Hey! Theres going to be traffic on the 4th of July! This has never happened before.

And now,'s best Headlines of the Week:

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-05-17 to Sat 2009-05-23:  IRS issues scam alert. Warns taxpayers about schemes to get your money and send it overseas, or to people who didn't earn it, or to pay off other pyramid schemes...hey, wait a minute  Quadruple amputee settles lawsuit. High five  The Pope encourages young people to use the internet, but says they have to use the same computer for the rest of their lives and they'll go to hell if they use any anti-virus software  54 B.C. passport applications lost. Surely they're expired by now  Police find missing 555-lb teenager by looking in any direction  Math teacher dismayed to discover she can't get 17 into 37 more than twice  Strong quake shakes Mexico City. Ay, Carrumble  Someone steals hood of van. Police suspect hoodlums  Machete fight breaks out between rival gangs of karaoke singers. Local hospital treating injured confirms "They will survive, they will survive, hey hey"  Researcher whose work led to the development of Viagra has passed away. Funeral home struggles with pesky coffin lid  Honolulu's Internet vote is first in nation, says mayor-elect Rick Astley

Sports:  New York Mets lose after baserunner misses third base and defense makes five errors, expect to lose sponsorship from Chico's Bail Bonds  Brett Favre will not have sugrey on his injrued amr aftre all  Police search for missing 75 year-old basketball player, call up the New York Knicks to see if they signed him

Geek:  Canadians to build largest optical telescope in the world, capable of looking 6,000 years back into the past when the universe was created (pics)  Scientists create realistic soccer-playing robots. Bonus: video shows exactly one kick and the robots falling over 14 times, making it extremely lifelike  A wood powered pickup truck gets 5,000 mile per cord. Oak, spruce or ash, nobody rides for free

Showbiz:  Steven Spielberg signs on to direct Martin Luther King, Jr. biopic. James Earl Ray's rifle to be replaced with walkie-talkie  Gay sex movie from China causes controversy at Cannes, not that there's anything Wong with that  "My Name is Earl" to be picked up by TBS, will promptly be renamed "Tyler Perry's 'My Name is Tyler' starring Tyler Perry"

Politics:  Bill Clinton to be named special UN envoy to Haiti. Presumably, Hillary wanted him sent somewhere he'd be deathly afraid to have sex with anyone  Congressman Steven LaTourette addresses Rahm Emanuel as "motherf*cker" at public banquet. If only there were some sort of medical syndrome that could explain such an inappropriate burst of profanity  Bush says cleaning up his dog's droppings is a sobering reminder that he's no longer president. Obama says cleaning up the Bush administration's droppings is a sobering reminder that he is

Music:  Police arrests at Springsteen concert include 30 for underage drinking. In other news, at least 30 people under age 50 attended last night's Springsteen concert  Jarvis Cocker says Pulp will never reunite. He said this in a supermarket - I don't know why but he had to say it somewhere, so he said it there  Philip Glass discusses his music. Philip Glass discusses his music. Philip Glass discusses his music. Philip Glass discusses his music. Philip Glass discusses his music. Philip Glass discusses his music

Business:  American Express to 4000 employees: "Don't leave home"  Target profit beats estimates on news that people are still willing to pay 20% more than Walmart for the same stuff on clean floors  HP profit drops; 6,400 workers to get the boot (6,218 after formatting)
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