We're rapidly reaching Massive Topic Burnout with the whole health care discussion. Congress got to argue about it, senators got to argue about it, Obama had his big presidential address(es) and then followed it up with another media blitz last week, so everybody is sick to death of it. It's still an important thing to discuss, but we're Americans and we demand entertainment. The media knows this, and frankly they're pretty sick of covering the same basic information again, too. Fortunately for them, not only is football season back in swing, but this week they get to run with 24/7 entertainment and showbiz updates. The start of the Fall TV season gives publicists and the paparazzi bona fide priapism, and the MSM's entertainment editors get big one-hour blocks where they experience virtual speculative orgasms about who in Hollywood is dating, engaged, marrying, divorcing, cheating, etc. Publicists are often the source of the speculation, because it gets both the name of the star and the name of the show in print simultaneously. And as long as they put a question mark at the end, they get to avoid pesky lawsuits with column filler such as, "Is Patrick Dempsey (who plays heartthrob Dr. Derek Shepherd on ABC's Grey's Anatomy which is premiering on September 24 at 8PM EST, check your local listings) secretly engaged to a Himalayan water buffalo?" Like we do every Monday, here is the Fark Betting Line with a few stories that we think might appear this week, as well as the odds of the stories actually shaking out. Feel free to add your own betting line for stories that you think might shake out this week. - MSM minimizes health care debate except for breaking news, such as "Senator Wyden hospitalized after being crushed by 742-page health care bill" (3:1)
- Publicist-inspired ridiculous story about the star of some show making its Fall debut this week, with bonus gratuitous name and airtime of show (2:1)
- More discussion of the Kanye West outburst, including people speculating that race might be a factor and the inevitable question: "Is our society getting more rude?" (5:1)
- Breaking celebrity scandal gets MSM's gratuitous use of newsflashes (6:1)
- Breaking celebrity scandal is comprehensively debunked within two hours (3:1)
- Discussion of how swine flu would impact the different universal healthcare initiatives (9:1)
- Early doomtastic speculation about conflicting economic numbers, and discussion of Black Tuesday sort of Wall Street crash (11:1)
- Wall street responds to gloomy predictions with 250-point gain, leading all of the pundits who were convinced of a crash to now discuss the beginning of our new Bull Market (6:1)
- Early call for college football playoff system from BCS teams who are suddenly worried that their one loss might keep them from prime bowl contention (5:1)Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-09-13 to Sat 2009-09-19:  B A N N E R P L A N E C R A S H E S l N D E W E Y B E A C H D E L A W A R E   Two of Bermuda Triangle's most mysterious disappearances solved; actual cause was wrecktangle  Body entombed in wall positively identified as missing Yale student. Cask of Amontillado still unaccounted for Police arrest a "person of interest" in Yale murder investigation. I guess that rules out Jay Leno Authorities arrest a drug ring that used American Airlines to smuggle nearly 20,000 pounds of cocaine in suitcases. The street value of the drug was estimated at $19.95 once you subtracted the extra baggage fees  Actual headline: "5 Items Will Consumer 50% of Your Income." Well, okaying, but I expectish I'll be earningest 15 percentage more moneyed befores muchly longerestingishly  Sticky-Note Bandit arrested in Nevada. If we get an update, we'll post it later  Water main break threatens to clean up parts of Baltimore  Canada urged to embrace official bilinguialism so country can accept English and French in the same way that America is able to happily accomodate both people who speak English and Southerners  South Carolina Mayor bans police pursuit of suspects -- even foot pursuit. May ban Trivial Pursuit later this week Prolific mail thief gets 25 to life. Cellmate Bubba overheard remarking "Hello, new man" Sports: McNabb breaks his McRibs  Ric Flair signs three-year deal to wrestle Hulk Hogan. Wrestlers will now hit each other with their walkers until somebody breaks a hip  Trojans have their yearly accident Geek: Scientists release first global photo map of Titan, looks like Slartibartfast is going to win another award Reversing a vasectomy can really make a vas deferens New rabies vaccine is strong enough that a single shot may protect bite victims. Unlike submitter's childhood, when EVERYONE knew you had to have 12 shots...per day...in the eye...with a harpoon Showbiz: You're posting on Fark, where Wil Wheaton also hangs out, who was in Star Trek TNG with Patrick Stewart, who appeared on Extras with Ricky Gervais, who is presenting at the Emmys with Kevin Bacon  JJ Abrams says the next Star Trek movie will deal with "modern issues". With the Federation in a recession, fighting wars againt Cardassia and Romulus, are they ready for a Jem'Hadar President who may have been born in Qo'nos?  Now the music industry wants royalties for the 30 second preview clips on iTunes. Next up, being charged for having a song stuck in your head Politics: Obama heads to Wall Street to address financial reform. Stockbroker's parents will keep them home that day so they won't be indoctrinated into socialism President Obama calls Kanye West a "jackass." Kanye responds by claiming Obama doesn't care about black people House to discipline Wilson for outburst. IT'S NOT LUPUS Music: "Bobby Brown: Whitney Houston and I Corrupted Each Other." Up next: "Whitney Houston and I beat her ass." Lady Gaga and Kanye West join forces for the "She Might Have One, He's A Huge One" tour  Peter, Paul Business: France Telecom has 23rd employee suicide in 18 months - woman threw herself from sixth-floor window of Paris building into river; must have been in Seine McDonalds actually employs one of the top chefs in America, and it's his job to create innovative food that the average liberal arts major can assemble in three minutes or less Abercrombie to sue Beyonce for trademark infringement. Lawyers for the company say they were originally going to sue Taylor Swift until Kanye West interrupted the filing and demanded they sue Beyonce instead
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Greetings from Lexington. Now that the NFL season has started, it is fall, even though it won't be officially called that for another week. But in America, Farmer John's Almanac doesn't decide when fall starts, Roger Goodell does, and the first weekend of NFL means finish your harvests already. Media is embracing football season because it finally gives them something to talk about other than healthcare, and with so little else happening, the 24-hour news cycle has talked it completely to death, revived it, then talked it to death again. It won't go away until after the vote, so you can expect more discussion, more protests, more analysis, more expert opinion, and even more marginal stories to be squeezed out of this dry bone. Now that the weather is starting to cool, people are thinking about the flu. Specifically, swine flu. More specifically, everybody on Earth dying from a major pandemic that results in something that Hollywood could make a movie about, sort of like The Day After Tomorrow but with less flooding and more vomiting. Only it's just not true. This week we're setting the Fark Betting Line with some stories we expect to hear and the odds they'll be in the news between now and Sunday. Pony up to the window and place your bets: - United States backs down from the trade war with China with a little perfunctory barking and some territory marking (5:1) - Story from Florida involving beer, nudity, a high-speed chase and buttocks taserin' (2:1) - More "stories from the front lines" of the healthcare debate, now coming from hospital emergency rooms (4:1) - Both sides of the debate find victory from imperceptibly minor differences in the same interview (1:1) - Poorly tattooed Asian Myspace dwarf-slut Tila Tequila announces new reality television show (6:1) - Now that the 9/11 anniversary has passed, media starts wondering again where the heck that Bin Laden fella is hiding (4:1) - Cubs win four straight, look to steal wild card spot before sinking below the waves (9:1) - Lady Gaga breaking news press release mentions her sexuality or her genitalia (3:2) - First NFL drunk driving arrest of the season (8:1) - Scientists discover that beer wards off swine flu (247:1) Also, thanks to those of you who sent well wishes on my new baby girl Sierra Elizabeth. The person who deserves all the credit is my wife, who frankly did all the heavy lifting, baby-wise. I put up a posting about her here for anybody who is interested. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-09-06 to Sat 2009-09-12:  Feet are washing ashore at Cockey Creek in Maryland. And you don't want to know what's washing up at Footy Beach Great White terrorizes New England for second time this decade Today is International Litericy Day New Hampshire man guilty of beating his ex with a flip-flop. Has he no sole? Humorist Garrison Keillor hospitalized following minor stroke; fans hope his woe be gone soon  Santa Claus coming early this year. In a 13-year old boy State Department releases lists of countries that use child labor, so the discerning consumer will know what labels to look for when they want the tight stitching and attention to detail that only those tiny little hands and eyes can provide  Man who starred in anti-drug commercial busted for having sophisticated pot growing operation. Those that live in grass houses shouldn't get stoned Web-based petition urges Gordon Brown to apologize for Britain's treatment of Alan Turing; Brown issues apology after finding online petition indistinguishable from real one Jealous husband who killed his wife after she changed her facebook status is sentenced to a lifetime of being poked Celebrating legalized gay marriage in Vermont, Ben & Jerry's creates new ice cream. Curiously, it does not have twice the nuts Sports: Cubs tie MLB record with eight consecutive hits in the first inning. Other teams that have accomplished this feat are the Yankees, Athletics, Pirates, Phillies, and Chris Brown Ancient Mongolian competition ties past to present, and features what may be the absolute gayest sports uniforms ever created in the history of mankind, with the possible exception of the 1980's Houston Astros South Africa beats New Zealand to win Tri-Nations Cup rugby championship. For you American fans, rugby is what football could be if it were interesting Geek: Adding plants to classrooms found to increase satisfaction among university students while giving liberal arts majors an intellectual equal to talk to Scientists discover how to make mice levitate. Are you pondering what I'm pondering? Just-released images from the recently refurbished hubble. So real, it's like actually being in the universe Showbiz: Kathy Griffin says she was an unattractive, talentless magnet for gay guys back in high school. Good thing that changed  David Hasselhoff to perform at Berlin wall anniversary. East Germans consider rebuilding the wall Former ABC anchor Carole Simpson says legitimate TV news is dying. We'll have more on this story after a Jon and Kate Plus 8 update, and it looks like Britney and Li-Lo are at it again Politics: "Muslim women fight for right to pants, beer" They do realize that by gaining access to the second, they'll probably end up without the first again? Mark Foley turns over a new page in his life, becomes a talk radio host NY state legislature deadlocked on whether ethics bill should allow them to be thieving whores or conniving scum Music: Chris Brown to perform at Michael Jackson tribute concert. Presumably the organizers wanted someone who'd help us remember a popular singer with a badly misshapen face Spandau Ballet's Gary Kemp says that Simon Cowell is ruining the music industry with American Idol and The X-Factor. Kemp then stopped his rant and asked if the table wanted to start with an appetizer Daft Punk to bring beats, disguises and set designs to upcoming DJ Hero, for people who thought Guitar Hero required honing too many skills Business: DoctoRs in brItaiN want cracKdown on alcohol marketinG, including mUsIc spoNsorship aNd advErtiSing at Sports Morgan Stanley CEO steps down from his post to focus on packaging and bundling his kid's lemonade stand into collateralized debt obligations Porn, which should be essential to pumping up our flaccid economy, seeing profits plunge as tight-fisted consumers gag on swollen prices for everything else. Boobs
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Sierra Elizabeth Curtis was born September 10th at 2:44am, weighed 5lbs 12oz. I've been saying for years that newborns are ugly as hell, and our first two boys were pretty weird looking at the start. Sierra looks really cute tho. Maybe I'm under the influence of some kind of mind control but she looks like a doll to me. Her two brothers are smitten with her, which is a much better outcome than I was expecting. You live in fear that your kids are going to hate the new baby and spend all their time trying to kill it. I've heard stories anyhow.
Heather came home from the hospital on Saturday and so far, fingers crossed, there haven't been any additional complications. Still holding out hope that this is the first baby we won't have to go back to the hospital for.
Here's a picture with her doing her hang loose handsign. When she was born she was doing the daddy's number one hand sign. At least I think that's what it was
Other than massive sleep deprivation nothing else to report. It didn't help any that my friend Tucker Max came into town the following day. That's a whole other story unto itself though.
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Normally, I use this space to sort out the media trends in play, but last week during Keith Olbermann's Worst Person in the World segment, he called out "internet nerds" for starting a false internet rumor about Glenn Beck. Since it seemed to be aimed in Fark's general direction, I feel compelled to respond. Mr. Olbermann, I am outraged. OUTRAGED, I tell you. *shakes fist* It really is a dark day in American Politics when "internet nerds," as you call them, cannot simply make baseless, horrific allegations from thin air and then question the accused to respond. Although it appears to be standard operating procedure from some television people who happen to work for Fox and whose initials are G.B. and whose names might rhyme with "hen peck," it is perhaps a bit much for the internet community at large. Oh sure, it's easy to throw lightning bolts from your Ivory Tower down upon our plebian hordes for something as benign as smearing the reputation of an esteemed colleague (even if he is a complete and utter dickwad) with the same techniques he uses on a regular basis to sway the opinions of people who apparently lack the critical thinking skills of carrots. However, your response does merit consideration. In the light of the criticism, we'll take your advice and try to not propagate unsubstantiated rumors about huge, flaming dickwads like Glenn Beck and will instead focus on making fun of Glenn Beck for his ridiculous, real-life antics. Point taken. Also, I still regret that we weren't able to make the number one slot, because yet again that went to Richard Lieberstein, president of your co-op board. We shot for #1, but we do know that Miss Precious Perfect is a hard act to follow. Note, this response is satirical in nature. We do not mean to infer that Mr. Beck is actually a dickwad, huge dickwad, huge flaming dickwad, or unbelievably crass and ridiculous dickwad, even though everyone thinks he is.Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-08-30 to Sat 2009-09-05: Proving that a vegetarian lifestyle doesn't always work, Terry Schiavo's father dies of heart failure Fire officials in SoCal wildfires: "GTFO." Residents: "STFU." Fire: "NOM NOM NOM." Residents: "OMG." Fire department: "DIAF" Best-selling bible to be edited and re-released, will feature deleted commandments, digitally enhanced plagues, and Han casts the first stone The Vatican issues a prayer for Catholics to say before sex. Apparently shouting, "Oh God" at the end of sex isn't enough Woman blows a .31 on the Breathalyzer. Also, up her car 70 years ago today, World War II began. Unless, of course, you're American - in which case you might want to green light this in two year's time (once you've decided who's likely to win) Ali Bongo drums up enough support to snare election victory, thanks his electoral bass for helping him ride to this cymbalic win "Deputies: Woman Beats Mother With Candlestick." Was it in the library or the conservatory? No clue Woman slams into tractor trailer while driving and eating. She sounds flat Washington State park closed due to Cougar sighting. Officials plan to put up end-zone goalposts to get rid of it Ice cream factory burns down, firefighters expect to finally extinguish flames by sundae Sports: Thai fighter retains WBC boxing title, is then mercilessly pursued by X-Wing, Y-Wing, and Millennium Falcon Daunte Culpepper sacked by living room carpet. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 Detroit Lions 17 year old toples Maria Sharapova Geek: Andromeda galaxy growing by eating other nearby galaxies. Here comes the astronom-nom-nom-nomy Men with high IQ's have the healthiest sperm. Here come the scientists Researchers use YouTube to study brain injuries. Presumably by reading the user comments Showbiz: Madonna and Jesus visit the holy land. This is not a repeat from 31 Keanu Reeves agrees to take DNA test to prove he's not The One Whitney Houston's normally CRYSTALline voice goes to POT, CRACKs during performance, fueling speculation that she needs a new training METHod. No word on why it happened Politics: R. Lee Ermey tells Birthers he's gonna give them three seconds, exactly three farking seconds, to square their stupid asses away and start shiatting him Tiffany cufflinks or he will gouge out their eyeballs and skull-fark them Palin joins forces with Glenn Beck. It's like Voltron, but retarded Obama spokesman criticizes furor over back-to-school speech, apparently failing to realize that you automatically lose an argument if you defend your position by criticizing the furor Music: Brandon Flowers urges Oasis to reunite. World urges Brandon Flowers to shut the fark up Michael Jackson is finally being buried 70 days after his death, proving how well our current plastic products can withstand the elements Chris Brown recorded a song called "Changed Man" as an apology to Rihanna. It will be released on his next album, and is expected to be another big hit. Or maybe a succession of little hits Business: Pfizer to pay $2.3 billion fine after pulling a major boner Gold surges toward the $1,000-an-ounce mark. Au sh*t Microsoft granted stay allowing it to keep selling Word while it appeals decision in favor of patent troll, thereby preventing dangerous shortages of Comic Sans-formatted memos in offices everywhere
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Well, things are settling into the Fall routine. Baseball season is winding down, football season is winding up, and sportswriters can talk about all of that and hockey and basketball, too. You'll soon be getting your fill of the terms "wildcard," "pre-season favorite," and the newly added "What the hell ever happened to Notre Dame, anyway?" Hurricane season has been quiet so far, so expect the hype to return to swine flu, with at least some of the tinfoil-hatters eventually making it the nefarious plot of some shadow group or aliens. As we like to do every other week or so, here are the stories for Fark's betting line with the odds. Feel free to add your own odds to your own stories in the thread, if you like. • Oil rises to $75/barrel on news that next weekend is a three-day weekend (3:1) • Favre injures shoulder (22:1) • While cashing a check from the Vikings (2:1) • Following Jaycee Dugard story, media wonders if someone in your neighborhood might be a similar freak, raises suspicions about neighbors who have sheds (8:1) • Following story, SWAT team kicks in local man's shed, arrests suspicious-looking lawnmower, rake (7:1) • Media announces officially that the Kennedy dynasty is over, asks "Who is the next political family dynasty?" (5:1) • Limbaugh, Beck and Hannity race to their microphones to call it for the Bush family, totally dissing the Udalls (2:1) • School closes on swine flu fears (16:1) • Turns out it was just the common cold (2:1) • School stays closed the remainder of the week anyway, "just in case" (5:1) • Television characters start twittering in-show (7:1) • Japan announces moon mission (32:1) • Astronaut outfits become latest Japanese fetish craze (4:1) Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-08-23 to Sat 2009-08-29: Greece fire still burning out of control If you're a veteran who recently received a letter stating that you have Lou Gehrig's disease, raise your hand. If you can do that, the letter was a mistake Police in London solve 1 crime for every 1000 CCTV cameras. Or about 2 for every 1984 "Man Accused Of Having Sex With Underage Teen In Court." Next time, try a hotel room An unknown species of an eyeless crustacean was discovered lurking inside a lava tube beneath the seafloor, spends its time greenlighting repeat articles BBC does hard-hitting exposé of Chinglish. Submitter need lift heavy heart for when Fark mod no gift green happy light on much importance submitted link "What's Wrong With Washington." Sorry, but an 800-word article can't even summarize a draft of an outline of the table of contents of a glossary of a card catalog of a book collection about what's wrong with Washington Ancient burial site discovered in Greece. No sign of nine-headed monsters; the land was de-hydrated Toddler who wandered away from daycare caught by two state police officers; boy may be charged with resisting a rest India loses contact with an unmanned spacecraft conducting its first moon mission. Support techs ask Mission Control to confirm that the spacecraft is turned on and that it is currently plugged in 51% of American adults say alcohol more dangerous than marijuana, 25% say they're equal, 24% want some pizza Sports: England retakes The Ashes by defeating Australia 2-1 with 332 to 1+E0.03 squared, in 90.5 overs, two platapii, and a slightly damp sandwich Kenny Chesney commissioned to write theme song for ESPN's college football broadcasts. Contract reportedly includes unlimited supply of mesh half-shirts, male cheerleaders Angels request Stairway To Heaven, settle for Kazmir Geek: Paleontologist plans to manipulate chicken embryos to create a dinosaur. Worst case scenario, we all get killed by dinosaurs. Best case scenario, Dino McNuggets for everyone Nitrous oxide is destroying the Earth. Stop laughing, dammit Hold me closer, Tianyuraptor Showbiz:  Eddie Izzard's running 40 marathons in 47 days for Comic Relief. His recipe? Cake now, death later Gerard Butler seen holding hands with Jennifer Aniston, fueling rumors that he's the next person in line to eventually flee from Jennifer Aniston running and screaming Anne Heche complains on national TV about having to pay $3700 a month child support to her good-for-nothing ex-husband. Life's a biatch and then you bi Politics: Rudy Giuliani to consider running for New York Governor's office, says he'll be sure in 9 to 11 days Big-city mayor resigns, petitions to run in special election to replace himself, then drops out. Voices in head finally reach consensus on running for Congress Cheney accuses Obama of politicizing the Justice Department. Cheney. Accuses Obama. Of politicizing the Justice Department Music: Zakk Wylde undergoes emergency procedure to remove blood clot. Ozzy Osbourne unintelligible for comment Pyromaniac causes hysteria at Def Leppard show leaving the fire department high and dry, Yeah Tim McGraw won't put up with abuse at his concerts, unlike the audience Business: The top U.S. beer brewers say they are raising prices this fall because they can barley make ends meet Ikea is actually owned by a non-profit corporation, part of a tax avoidance scheme so complicated it's like putting together a Leksvik three-door wardrobe ($349 at your local Ikea) FCC begins wireless probe, which should be slightly more comfortable
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Normally we put something related to media trends here to kick off our favorite Headlines of the Week, but there was a death in the Fark family last week. We were deeply saddened by the news that Thai Williams, known around these parts as Arelas, was killed in a car accident. He's survived by his wife and their small children, so some enterprising Farkers who knew him took it upon themselves to set up an account for donations that will go to his family. I donated, fwiw. Anyone who also wants to contribute to the family can see the donation thread for instructions. One note: we scramble email addresses deliberately to thwart spammers, so if you use the PayPal link you'll need to manually type the email address to avoid that issue. On a side note, it's really amazing and reassuring to see so many people rally around a guy that few had ever met in person. There's a prevailing conception that the internet is destroying traditional socialization, but when events like this happen and people rally around a virtual stranger, it shows that there's a unique human quality that still rises to the surface. For those who set it up, and for all of you who contributed something, whether it was money or even just kind words, thank you. You made a difference. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-08-16 to Sat 2009-08-22: Angry patient bites off the end of a doctor's finger and runs off. Police are looking for tips Britain and America were complicit in the Nazi extermination of the Jews, according to the latest press release from the Vatican. In other news, the hunt is on for an attractive and successful kettle for whom there is an urgent message 90 percent of US currency contains trace amounts of cocaine, value Billy Joel was right... Only the good Dae-jung Men who snore loudly are twice as likely to die early, possibly from multiple stab wounds Cable guy electrocuted. Viewing to be held for 20 minutes sometime between 8am and 5pm Gardening makes for better sex. Yeah that's right, talk dirt to me you hoe Today is the 50th Anniversary of Hawaiian statehood. Hawaii is of course famous for the hula, luaus, volcanoes, and temporarily being Kenya one day in 1961 How farkin bad is DC's Metro? Though they've been sending alerts since March, Metro still hasn't figured out the 140 character limit for twe See. See plane. Seaplane crash Woman accidentally hits child with riding lawnmower. Oh Deere Sports: Former skiing champion Picabo Street welcomes baby boy. She had some minor complications in the intensive care unit, but was discharged from the Picabo ICU John Smoltz leaning toward Cards. Probably pinochle or bridge down at the senior center Plaxico Burress gets two-year contract to be receiver Geek: Scientists invent kitchens which virtually clean themselves, leaving your wife more time to make sure the bathroom is up to an acceptable standard Inuit hunters help scientists track narwhals, offer tech support on Quicken, TurboTax NASA beams 461 gigabytes of data back from the moon daily, the equivalent of last week's download volume on your mom's new porno Showbiz: Copyright lawyers fly around Earth backwards really fast and erase DC Comics' rights to Superman's origin story. Kal-El now an immigrant from Costa Rica with an allergy to peanuts Steve Harvey joining Good Morning America. I would make a joke, but there's nothing funny about Steve Harvey Celine Dion pregnant with eight year-old sperm. Isn't that illegal? Politics: Tom Ridge admits that he "was pushed to raise the security alert on the eve of President Bush's re-election, something he saw as politically motivated and worth resigning over." Well color me level orange Yes, it's finally come to this. We've dragged the Almighty Lord into the debate. It's Yahweh or the highway  Elizabeth Edwards opens furniture store, no word if drawers come pre-filled with dirty laundry Music: Major announcement suggests Mozart may have died from strep throat after sharp decline in health. Other voices counter that multiple minor elements worked in concert to overcome his diminished capacity Cradle of Filth are pretty heavy, but if you throw Gobstoppers at them, that's it man. They're done Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse kiss onstage. The resulting superbacteria will wipe out humanity by year's end Business: Rosetta Stone cuts outlook, stock offering. La piedra de Rosetta corta la perspectiva, ofrecimiento común. La pierre de Rosetta coupe des perspectives, émission d'actions. Rosetta Stein schneidet Aussicht, Aktienemission  History celebrates 25 years of Powerpoint. Obvious tag missed his flight and Dumbass didn't review the slide deck, so Wheaton gets stuck doing the presentation Smuckers makes more smackers due to more suckers losing jobs, eating at home like slackers, becoming snackers, needing something to put on crackers
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Well, summertime is nearly over. The days are cooling, everybody's getting back in school, and seasonal routines are re-forming. The major political stuff will be healthcare for the next two weeks at least, and you can expect "death panels" to be replaced this week with something just as colorful, like "mandatory infant shredders" or the like. The voices of moderation are out there, but they're drowning in a sea of emotional hyperbole. Don't expect that to change. Now that school is back in, you can expect stories moving toward how people attending school are dealing with the recession (answer: thrift store clothing for kids, secondhand books for college students, and more packed lunches across the board), but expect more stories on how education cutbacks are affecting the children. By mid-November, swine flu panic will be causing elementary school shutdowns again. We're setting the betting line again on stories you might hear this week, and dropping odds on which ones will probably shake out and which ones won't: - Floridians see storm on the horizon, promptly rush out to buy the crap they always need for hurricanes: one pack of bottled water, three sheets of plywood, and six cases of beer (4:1)
- Meteorologists find empirical evidence that storms display exponential increase in strength based on their proximity to Jim Cantore (15:1)
- First NFL arrest of the preseason (6:1)
- Arrestee happens to play for the Dallas Cowboys (3:1)
- Story involving nudity, alcohol, and a laundromat (8:1)
- A tragic reminder of the dangers of cleaning a loaded gun (6:1)
- Obama loses temper with media pundits, tears off shirt, becomes Hulk and crushes White House podium in rather unpresidential rage (127:1)
- Airplane requests emergency landing at major airport due to minor equipment malfunction, major networks scramble to Defcon 2 live feed . . . to watch the plane land without incident (13:1)
- Live action will also include Twitter feeds from passengers (5:1)
- CNN apologizes after discovering that the Twitter feeds were not actually from real passengers (3:1)
- Glen Beck discovers little-known "Soylent Green" provision of the healthcare bill (2:1)Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-08-09 to Sat 2009-08-15: Birthplace of Vespasian found, ending 2000 year debate over whether he was a Roman citizen or was in fact born in Kenya That foot found at a NY recycling center? Turns out it belonged to a bear. You'd think police could recognize a bearclaw when they see one /usr/bin/python -c "import cat" Two injured in chemical explosion. Au Te-H H-U-Mn-I-Ti 13-year old boy breaks into railway depot and accidentally touches 25kv overhead line. Yep, he's grounded Special Olympians around the world express heartfelt "Faaaannn gyuuuuu" to Eunice Kennedy Shriver Actual headline: "Shark Attack On Porpoise Closes 2 Beaches." At least we know that the shark attack wasn't an accident Australian coroner begins grim task of identifying PNG victims, but at least no data was lost in their compression Family thrilled about Kardashian pregnancy, Picard still screaming about 4 lights "Squeaky" Fromme released from prison, immediately signs with the Philadelphia Eagles Millions of women find sex unbearable. They can be identified by a ring on the fourth finger of the left hand Sports: CC Sabathia: $161M. A.J. Burnett: $82.5M. Mark Teixeira: $180M. Holding the Red Sox scoreless for 31 innings as part of a four-game sweep? Priceless Mike Vick signs with Eagles, will reportedly be used as a positive role model for Andy Reid's sons Mets' David Wright struck in head by wild pitch, suffers concussion (w/video). Doctors say that Wright will face the additional difficulty of remembering the entire season Geek: Girl, reading at age 1 and a college graduate at 14, only sleeps 3 hours a week while pursuing degrees in physics, computer science, chemistry and engineering--all in hopes of curing AIDS. But your WoW guild is totally impressive, dude Salmon found in Paris for first time in more than a century. They must be in Seine The world's coral reefs have herpes. That's a moray Showbiz: PETA asks Lady Gaga to get naked. Surely, that'll put people off sausages for a while Amy Winehouse's life could inspire a musical. Possible titles include "My Scare Lady," "The Skank of Music," "West Side Whorey," and "Seven Hives for Seven Doctors" Redbox sues 20th Century Fox challenging new rule that wholesalers wait 30 days after Fox DVDs come out before selling to them, Fox maintains once a month is enough for Redbox releases. Period Politics: Representative from Illinois elected president not seen as legitimate leader south of the Mason-Dixon line. This is not a repeat from 1860 "Sotomayor Sworn In as 111th Justice." And you lefties said Obama wouldn't pack the courts  Freepers declare their love for Whole Foods. We're so far down the rabbit hole we're practically crawling up the rabbit's ass Music: Rapper convicted of murder is it A) Ice Cube B) Solja B C)-murder The hot twins sisters from the 80's band Nelson just signed a new record deal  Les Paul, More Dead Business: GM selling cars via Ebay. No word if Hummers available via Craigslist Clear Channel posts $3.7B loss. I'd explain more, but I have to cut to 10 minutes of commercials, followed by the new Nickelback song Microsoft not worried about court order to stop selling Word to your mother
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No writeup this week; Drew's still hung over. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-08-02 to Sat 2009-08-08: Scientist claims sex without condoms is good for you. Here comes the professor Mother and Daughter severely ill after their E Coli was contaminated with British food American man pulled over for speeding in Canada explains that he thought the road signs were in miles per hour, not the hectares per hogshead or whatever the hell it is they use there Domino's giving away lava cakes for the 24 hours of Obama's birthday. Lava comes from volcanoes, Kenya has 24 volcanoes. It all makes perfect sense now, how could we have been so blind? Creationist theme park to be seized by the federal government for tax evasion. I guess they didn't see that situation evolving  Hugo Chavez becomes a major threat to Americans everywhere as it's announced he's seizing coffee companies. THIS IS NOT THE STORY I WANTED TO SEE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING Many British dentists earn over £200k. Where do they find such lucrative second jobs? Flatfoots ferret out fleeing fugitive in freezer. Dogs detect chillin' felon; earn extra eats. Crook hooked; hastily hoicked to hoosegow, tarrying till trial DC offers free STD tests to high school students. Who wants teachers catching anything these days? Warning of violence issued after man attacks couple in Tobago. He must've been a good runner, because those things go really fast downhill Milk tanker overturns on Tennessee highway, local residents urged not to cry Sports: Soccer players take a stand for gay pride, which is entirely appropriate as both groups go all weak at the knees if someone looks at them intently Tiger shoots final-round 69, wins 69th PGA Tour Event, hopes for numerical trend to continue later tonight with Elin Mariners fight strip club opening near ballpark, eliminating the most likely way their team will get to second base Geek: Experts grow new teeth in adult mice. This is a whole new breed of enamel Incredibly detailed pictures of Betelgeuse. Incredibly detailed pictures of Betelgeuse. Incredibly detailed pictures of Betelgeuse 14,000-year-old map found engraved chunk of rock in Europe, determined to still be more accurate than Mapquest Showbiz: Jenna Jameson to pose for Playboy. This is like closing the barn door after the horse has gotten out, been ridden hard by 6000 jockeys and turned into dog food Andre the Giant consumed 7,000 calories of alcohol on a daily basis. His bar bill during shooting of "The Princess Bride" was $40K. He once drank 119 bottles of beer in six hours. I say we canonize the dude Rosie O'Donnell denies that her partner has somehow escaped her gravitational field Politics: Sen. Arlen Specter has a challenger in the 2010 Democratic primary, Rep. Joe Sestak, who announced today surrounded by his family--Marshall, Will, Holly and Cha-ka Senator Barbara Boxer (D-ipshiat) says health care protestors can't be real because they're not dressed like slobs Congressmen receives death threats over healthcare plan. On the good side, he's got a great medical plan through his employer, so if he's only wounded, he should be okay Music: Fred Durst says new Limp Bizkit album will sound like Neil Diamond. Neil Diamond reportedly put on 24-hour suicide watch after hearing claim Katy Perry is in awe of Gwen Stefani's staying power and her continued artistic integrity. And then they totally started hungrily making out. Okay that last part isn't true Bob Dylan concert cancelled due to "risk too great for all involved." Surprisingly, this has nothing to do with his music Business: Profits at Tokyo Disneyland fall by 78 percent due to bad weather, fear of swine flu, and underperforming used Snow White panties vending machines When it comes to drinking with colleagues, the risk is very high that something negative will come out of it, or what Fark calls its bread and butter Alabama city destroying ancient Indian ceremonial mound to create a Sam's Club. Have they never seen a scary movie?
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Summertime is always difficult for the media, since not too much really happens. Make no mistake, important stuff is happening, but not enough of it to really keep a 24-hour news cycle going. For that reason, you can expect a whole lot of Not News in the next several weeks. This will include local newspapers writing about their colorful neighborhood characters, sports writers hypothesizing about unlikely situations that involve their home teams, and network television's favorite topic: Things That Will Kill You. In politics, you likely won't hear anything at all this week except the healthcare debate. Congress breaks soon and Obama wants action quickly, but there's a metric assload of money associated with it (on both sides of the aisle), so expect the debate about it to rage long and loud and stupid. A lot of people stand to lose if that sacred cow is slaughtered, so remember, no matter what anybody says, it's about the money. By far, the most entertaining story that will come out this week (no later than tomorrow, likely) will be 4chan vs. AT&T, in which AT&T will be playing the role of the Police Chief and 4chan will be playing the role of Project Mayhem. Update: since this was first greenlit the issue has been resolved, here's hoping some foolishness will result anyhow) We're setting the betting line again on stories you might hear this week, and dropping odds on which ones will probably shake out and which ones won't:
- First NFL arrest of the preseason (3:1)
- Obscure town gets media coverage for creating a new "world's largest" food item, royally pissing off starving people in countries with no food, like England (7:1)
- Story involving nudity, alcohol, and office supplies (3:1)
- Story involving nudity, alcohol and tasered genitalia (4:1)
- Florida involved in either of the two stories above (1:1)
- Semi-hot teacher nails underage student like a squeaky floorboard in a woodshop (3:2)
- Media dusts off "West Nile Virus will kill you" story from 2008 (4:1)
- Hot white girl abduction newsflash (9:1)
- A tragic reminder of the dangers of drinking and rafting (6:1)
- Darwin award + "alcohol may have been a factor" (2:1)
- Researchers announce findings of groundbreaking study: People Like Sex (7:1)
- Head of AT&T dismayed to find nude photos of himself all over the internet (5:1)The betting window is now open. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-07-19 to Sat 2009-07-25: Man carrying cross from Maine to Mexico upsets locals, Pontius Pilate Astronauts perform spacewalk on Apollo 11 anniversary, since moonwalk would have been tacky, too soon Baby born at burger joint. That's one small fry to go California court rules that state can now ban nude sunbathing at all California state beaches; nudist group says its members will be a-peelin' Acupuncture helps women conceive. Wouldn't be the first time that conception involved a little prick Woman's body found in machine at McDonald's food processing plant. Corporate officials ask for a moment of soylents  ♫ When I find my mouth in times of trouble, Rosa's chair for gums and teeth. Screeching drills on wisdoms...dentistry ♫ Research shows adults forget three things a day, such as where they put their house keys, charging their mobile phones, and something else  Man delivers pizzas to top of Chicago skyscraper, attempting to set record for highest pizza delivery; Guinness rejects record, saying pizzas have been delivered high since at least the 1970s John Barry, inventor of WD-40, dies. Rust in Peace German porn star furious after her name is placed on the ballot without her consent, as politics would ruin her reputation Sports: Indians finally release Kobayashi, say they were tired of him always getting them into no-win situations Memphis Grizzlies agree to terms with Thabeet, continue negotiations with Yesyesyall and Youdontstop Before you get all outraged that Michael Vick is only getting a 4 game suspension, take note that it's a 28 game suspension in dog years Geek: A large jet-black spot has suddenly appeared near the south pole of Jupiter. This is not a repeat from 2010 MSN Soapbox, Microsoft's YouTube killer, to be shut down. Customers expected to lose access to literally megabytes of irreplaceable videos Ion engine ships may power quick trips to Mars. Formations may look something like this: |-o-| [-o-] |-o-| Showbiz: Heath Ledger's NYC apartment building sold for $15 million at foreclosure auction. Why SoHo serious? Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick to separate; and here we thought their relationship was stable Brad Pitt doesn't believe in God, despite having regular sex with Angelina Jolie Politics: Kirk considering a run for Obama's old Senate seat, still weighing the pros and Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaans The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance has jumped to the defence of Obama's Surgeon General nominee. Wait, jumped? House Demaocrats quit stalin, announce a great leap forward in their five year plan to produce a cultural revolution in our nation's remarxably inefficient healthcare system Music: International Mozarteum Foundation announces discovery of two new works composed by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Suck it, Tupac Phil Spector's first wife missing, but he's got a good alibi this time Beastie Boys replaced by Jay-Z at All Points West. There hasn't been a substitution this bad since Sarah Chalke replaced Lecy Goranson on Roseanne Business: New York criticized for lack of slaughterhouses - even though they do have Newburgh, Troy, Utica and wherever the Mets play in September Seagate's revenue imitates its hard drives, crashes Chrysler to Match "Cash for Clunkers" incentive. Coincidentally, this is going to be Chrysler's new sales event motto
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