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How the Resale Subculture drives Black Friday, why Cyber Monday is a hoax, and some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 11/15 to 11/21
Posted by Drew at 2009-11-23 1:45:39 PM (99 comments) | Permalink

Back when I was in college, my parents held a garage sale to get rid of a bunch of extra heavy stuff before a big move. One of the things they were selling was an antique roll-top desk. My parents realized it was probably worth more than the $100 they were asking for it, but as they saw it, they just wanted the thing hauled away. They didn't know what its actual value was and didn't care (and by the way, this isn't one of those "and later they discovered it was worth a million dollars" stories). They placed an advertisement in the local newspaper saying the garage sale would start 8pm sharp on Friday morning. They also mentioned in the ad that there was an antique roll top desk available. Hey, remember classified ads in papers?

The first potential buyer for the roll-top desk stopped by during dinner Thursday evening. My dad told him to go away that he was too early. He tried to bid up the price to get us to sell it to him early, but my dad wasn't having any of it. He told the man to come back the following morning at 8am. 15 minutes later someone else showed up, my dad sent him away too. 15 minutes later someone else showed up. Finally around 8pm my dad caved and sold it to the next guy who showed up just to get rid of the thing and be done with it. Friday morning, people started arriving at 6am for the 8am opening of the garage sale hoping to get an advance pick-through.

This was my first contact with the Resale Subculture. Whether the motivations are hobby or business, there is a subset of consumers that buy items to resell them elsewhere. With the advent of eBay and an online buying culture, things have gotten much worse. A friend of mine told me that when she worked at the local Staples, there was a family that would show up anytime anything was on sale, buy whatever the item maximum limit was, take them home, attempt to sell the items on eBay for a profit, and then later return anything they couldn't sell.

Or take the Wii for example. This may be the first year it's actually possible to get a Wii in stores. Wiis have been sold out every Christmas since their launch a few years ago. Sold out in stores that is, if you were willing to pay $500-$800 for a $300 console on eBay, there were thousands of them.

I don't know how many people exist in the Resale Subculture, but I do know this: every last one of them will be in line for Black Friday specials in the early morning hours the day after Thanksgiving. Personally I suspect that they outnumber actual regular customers at this point. While I might be willing to wake up at 4am to get to a 5am sale at Wal-Mart to buy a $5 flatscreen TV, Resale Subculture folks are lining up the night before or hiring homeless people to stand in line for them. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if nearly all of the people in line for Black Friday specials are planning to resell their items on eBay. It's easy to do and there's no real risk involved; if the item doesn't sell, just take it back for a full refund. I wish I'd thought of doing this in college.

One store manager told me that the store workers themselves are aware of the Resale Subculture's domination of Black Friday sales. Which likely means that the corporate suits also know and intentionally gear Black Friday toward eBay resellers in return for free advertising (media coverage). Is this a bad thing? No, not really. Although it does put the point of this whole Black Friday thing in a different light. I just find it odd that no one's looked into this yet. I'd be interested to read an MSM article checking into exactly who these people are that are lining up outside of stores the night before Black Friday. If anyone submits one, we'll pop it on the main page of Fark, especially if there are interviews with drunk homeless guy line-placeholders. Those guys are soundbite machines. Don't let us down, Florida.

By the way be ready for BS stories later this week about Cyber Monday, the supposed online equivalent of brick-and-mortar retail's Black Friday. Cyber Monday was a hoax first perpetrated a few years back by some individuals looking for free publicity. It's not real and there's no data that backs up any kind of online sales surge the Monday after Thanksgiving. But it sounds plausible, doesn't it? MSM finds it compelling enough to run a story on it every year. Skip it.

If anyone's passing through Lexington, KY on their way to or from somewhere, by all means drop me a line and let me know. Especially if you do it around 11:45pm Tuesday, I have a soccer game that gets done around then and I'll be awake til closing time easily. I grabbed a beer yesterday with a farkette heading to Birmingham, we had a great time hanging out watching football. So let me know. In the meantime, I hope all of you have a great Thanksgiving, eat way too much, and pass out fat and happy because that's my plan.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-11-15 to Sat 2009-11-21:

img1.fark.net  New report from the Iowa department of public health shows that 7% of 6 year olds suffer from lead poisoning, possibly because their parents are feeding them too many Pb & J sandwiches    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Danish political party admits to covering posters for opposing parties' candidates with yellow stickers shaped like penises. Nice try, but in America, we go all out and put the dicks on the actual BALLOTS    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Man has remote-controlled bowels implanted after motorcycle accident, really loses his shiat when wife changes the channel    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Australian teenager dies in workplace electrocution. See, this is why you should always ground your teenagers    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Raw milk producer waits for ruling. Hopes for bovine intervention    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Group finds high levels of lead in Disney, Barbie toys, which can cause irreversible brain damage. The lead can be harmful too    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Toddler falls into baptismal font. To answer the obvious question: Yes, he was saved    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Music teacher jailed for playing skin flute. You submitted this with A minor joke    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  ♫ I took a little souvenir-o of a man / Stole a tooth, stole a tooth, fingers and a ver-te-bra / Hidden out of sight, but now they'll see the light again / GALILEO galileo GALILEO galileo Galileo Figaro / Magnificoooooo ♫  

img1.fark.net  100-foot Christmas Tree crashes into bridge, makes its presents felt    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Semi-nude Victoria's Secret fashion models reveal untold talents and you've already clicked the link, haven't you? Have I told you about my mother lately? No, she's doing fine, just making cheesecake and some muffins this morning    img.fark.net


Sports:

img1.fark.net  Michelle Wie finally putts out    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  "The Cornhuskers are similar to the Wildcats in that they do not pass often." But enough about their grades, how's their throwing game?    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Sacramento outraged after learning ex-King Chris Webber called it "a cowtown" in ESPN interview. Wait, time-out, Chris can explain everythi-- uh oh    img.fark.net


Geek:

img1.fark.net  Toshiba sends chair into space for new advertisement. Still not as impressive as the Chesterfield Sofa which showed up in the middle of a cricket match    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Scientists come up with four ways to feed the ever increasing world population. Most of them are quite large schemes, we probably need to start with a more modest proposal    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Bangkok introduces disposable penis measuring device (measures non disposable penises as well)    img.fark.net


Showbiz:

img1.fark.net  Actual headline: "O'DONNELL HID SPLIT FOR TWO YEARS." With what? A circus tent?    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  James Van Der Beek files for divorce because apparently he doesn't want to wait, for his life to be over    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Vatican condemns Twilight as "morally deviant". Because only sickos would even think about drinking human blood    img.fark.net


Politics:

img1.fark.net  Liberal college students arrested for protesting against liberal colleges for raising tuition due to liberal policies. Oh the humanities    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Palin quits signing books halfway through event. Methinks we see a pattern here    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Fili-busted    img.fark.net


Music:

img1.fark.net  Drummer for the Kings of Leon gets married. His wife can look forward to two good years, but then it will go downhill from there    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Moby suffers from insomnia. I'm sure if he listened to any of his albums the problem would fix itself    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Man who "attacked" Oasis lead "guitarist" Noel Gallagher pleads guilty to assault. Judge will probably let him off, though, as really, it's hard to punish someone for living the dream    img.fark.net


Business:

img1.fark.net  The Postal Service reports $3.8 billion loss, as their revenue has fallen from such great heights    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  AOL to cut a third of its staff. You've got fail    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Obama's stimulus package was small, soft and came too soon. Nation craves a bigger, longer, thicker, uncut package    img.fark.net
· · ·

A quick note about the upcoming Headline of the Year contest, and some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 11/8 - 11/14
Posted by Drew at 2009-11-16 2:07:41 PM (55 comments) | Permalink

From Unfreakable:

Normally Drew likes to kick off every week with some media commentary and our usual Fark Betting Line on the stories we expect to see coming up. But now that we're halfway through November, we're getting to work on Fark's annual Headline of the Year contest. We're going to gather up all of the winners from our Headline of the Week collections and supplement them with some of your nominations.

Some of your favorite headlines might not have made it to the top of the Headline of the Week voting for the particular week it came in, so if you have a favorite, we're going to have a separate Headline of the Year nomination thread with voting enabled later this afternoon and another one again this Friday, just to make sure we haven't missed any good ones in addition to our own favorites.

For those of you who are newer and might have missed our Headline of the Year contests in previous years, here were the final voting threads for:

Headline of the Year: 2006

Headline of the Year: 2007

Headline of the Year: 2008

And it's not too late to get one of your own headlines in the running for November or December, although we'll probably be wrapping up the contest earlier in December this year rather than wait until the end the month when most people are away and traveling. If you have any questions about it or want to help, shoot me an email.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-11-08 to Sat 2009-11-14:

img1.fark.net  Two decades after the Berlin Wall came down, many in the once divided city no longer even remember where it stood. Hey Germany, that's why we use slogans here in the States. 9-11-2000, Never Forget    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Landslide in India kills 42 and demolishes hundreds of homes. To top it all off, they're going to need a new deli    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Possible hostage situation in Jefferson City, MO government building. Information is sparse, but witnesses say police are moving on up    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  British MPs preparing to beat off invading horde of Olympic hookers, which seems backward to submitter    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Unknown substance found on NJ Transit train. Probably cleanser    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Using only a cell phone and a pelican, man turns his $2 million Bugatti into a submarine    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Ohio couple married 61 years and died one day apart. There is no escape. Did you hear me? NO ESCAPE    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Sing us a song of your piano scam, sing us a song tonight. Well we're all in the mood for some forgery, and you took our money all right    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  U.S. reports largest mumps outbreak in three years. Think of it like a swine flu outbreak, but serious    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Cops who found magic mushroom grow house give up on counting them all, say it would be easier if the mushrooms would hold still and stop singing    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Last signed autograph of John F. Kennedy sells for a sum that could blow your mind    img.fark.net


Sports:

img1.fark.net  Victor Zambrano's mother kidnapped in Venezuela. Jim Duquette on the phone now trying to trade her for Scott Kazmir's mother    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Red Sox sign Tim Wakefield to two more years, subject to league approval of his using a walker to get to the pitcher's mound    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  ♪ Turn Thabeet around ♪ Let's check for concussion ♪  


Geek:

img1.fark.net  Picky consumers first wanted organic vegetables, now they want the ones with the smallest "environmental footprint." In related news, some kid named Mobotu in Zimbabwe has offered to eat your carrot peelings if that's okay    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Michigan mathematician ends up in winner's circle, but finds it pointless    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  West African giraffes make surprising comeback; now face Lions in division play-offs    img.fark.net


Showbiz:

img1.fark.net  Blockbuster's getting back in the game with a kiosk that sells DRM'd movies on an SD card that requires a special box to....hey wait, where are you going?    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Wynonna Judd says Taylor Swift should not have won any CMAs. Judd then returned to eating her fries, only to be scolded by her shift manager for stealing food    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Brad Pitt takes wine-making classes, will inevitably be expelled for yelling "WHAT'S IN THE WINE BOX? WHAT'S IN THE WINE BOX? WHAT'S IN THE FARKING WINE BOX?"    img.fark.net


Politics:

img1.fark.net  Arbitrator rejects case against Glenn Beck parody site, agreeing with the defense's argument that only a staggering moron would believe it. Beck points to his audience, nodding furiously  

img1.fark.net  Obama rejects all current Afghan options, says they don't tie the room together    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  "Some" senior citizens are cancelling their AARP memberships in an Obamacare protest. The rest will have their membership cancelled... soon enough    img.fark.net


Music:

img1.fark.net  John Mayer defends Britney Spears, saying that lip-synching is okay. Concertgoers would have complained about having seen him lip-synching, but they tend to drift off to sleep after about twenty minutes    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Rihanna's "Umbrella" voted the best song of the decade by the Institute of People Who Don't Really Listen to a Lot of Music    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Pope to release Christmas album, meaning Lady Gaga now has the second weirdest wardrobe in music    img.fark.net


Business:

img1.fark.net  The only underground mushroom farm in the U.S. to lay off 260 workers. shiatake happens    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Electronic Arts laying off 1,500 people. Imagine all the sequels we'll be missing out on now    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Comcast requires their customer service agents to undergo an eleven-week training course where they learn useful skills like empathy, understanding, and resolution. And yet none of this shows on a single call    img.fark.net
· · ·

It's the "still not quite Thanksgiving but there's not much to talk about" edition of the Fark Betting Line, as well as some of our favorite Headlines of the Week for 11/1 - 11/7
Posted by Drew at 2009-11-09 1:55:08 PM (38 comments) | Permalink

With Thanksgiving still two and a half weeks away, it's too early to run the usual "don't forget to cook your turkey thoroughly" and "OMG the airports are really full" stories, so expect a bit more about the cost of holiday airfare, how some families are skipping flying this year because of the costs, and some marginal early Christmas stuff, like the must-have toys. Also, it's never too early to start the "Top 10 (whatever) of 2009" retrospectives, so expect those to start trickling in this week.

Otherwise it'll be a lot more coverage of the senate dry-humping the hell out of the health care bill and some more swine flu stories. The swine flu stories will really ramp up as soon as someone famous gets hospitalized for it. It seems callous to guess who that will be, but the odds-on favorite would be somebody who used to be in the news a lot but isn't anymore and doesn't have anything on their plate at the moment, job-wise. Which means it could be damn near anybody.

With a new week, we have a fresh batch for the Fark Betting Line on probable news stories coming your way soon. As always, feel free to add any of your own in the thread if you have any that were missed:

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-11-01 to Sat 2009-11-06:

img1.fark.net  Cyclists have a lot riding on L.A. driver's trial, claim spokes people    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  20-foot geyser gushes in the San Fernando Valley, or as some there call it, talent    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Wife found guilty of attacking her husband with a wooden pestle. He was mortarlly wounded    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Kissing boosts a women's immune system. Her dirty little skank immune system    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Gay groups vow to reach around Maine defeat and plow forward with new strategies    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Driver for brown fails to deliver the green, is now blue after getting the pink    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Obama pledges to improve treatment of indian tribes. Native Americans have heard this kind of blanket statement before    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  First member of Texas polygamist sect tried and convicted of statutory rape. Sentencing has been delayed as the court tries to come up with a worse punishment than having nine wives    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Teen set on fire gets an apology, though a few blasts from a fire extinguisher would have been appreciated as well    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Three doctors and a nurse arrested in Mexico City for selling babies after telling mothers their babies had died. So much for kid pro quo    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Cop who took down Ft. Hood shooter ran INTO the line of fire, huge brass balls clanking the whole way    img.fark.net


Sports:

img1.fark.net  It took almost 150 years for a Southerner named Lee to beat the Yankees; now it's happened twice in one week    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Jimmy Rollins still insists the Phillies are the better team. By the way Jimmy, you can take the A, C, E,1, 2, or 3 subway trains from NYC's Penn Station to the World Series parade in lower Manhattan tomorrow    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Joe Girardi rescues a woman from a car wreck while on his way home from the Series clincher; needs 38 more postseason saves to tie Rivera    img.fark.net


Geek:

img1.fark.net  Another inane and stupid study found that negative thinking improves memory. What a load of crap. IIRC, Mecklenbräuker and Hager published the same garbage in the Journal of Psychological Research, Volume 46, Number 4, December 1st 1984  

img1.fark.net  Claude Lévi-Strauss is dead. We'll miss his genes    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Windows 7 is significantly more resistant to viruses and WOULD YOU LIKE BIGGER PENIS??? YOUR BULGING MANTOOL WILL CAUSE HER SCREAM    img.fark.net


Showbiz:

img1.fark.net  Edward Norton "phenomenal" after finishing the New York City marathon in three hours and 48 minutes. In related news, Brad Pitt finished the marathon in the same amount of time    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Kirstie Alley is set to star in reality series about her efforts to lose weight. Tentative title: The Kobayashi Shamu    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Founder of San Diego Comic-Con, Sheldon Dorf, dies at 76. Rumored to return next summer in issue #77    img.fark.net


Politics:

img1.fark.net  Republican Chris Christie wins New Jersey. Wow, what a crappy prize    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Abbas threatens to quit Palestinian elections. Mamma Mia, here we go again    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Cliff Clavin slams health care bill as "socialism." Adds, "Did you know, the word socialism derives from the French word "socialisme," which was first attributed to the philosopher Pierre Leroux..."    img.fark.net


Music:

img1.fark.net  Ashlee Simpson gives up music. Our long national nightmare is over    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Bruce Springsteen pens autobiography. Chapter 1: "One time, I uh, my dad and I, uh, we didn't, uh, get along so much, and uh, we uh, well, I used to go down to the reservoir, and uh, my old man, uh...HUH ONE TWO THREE FAWWW"  

img1.fark.net  As a Christmas present for their fans, Pet Shop Boys are releasing an EP featuring covers of Madness and Coldplay. What have we done to deserve this?    img.fark.net


Business:

img1.fark.net  Tool company Stanley buys Black & Decker, plans to hammer out more profit, but will ultimately just end up screwing customers    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Buffett, who already owns an electric company, will buy Burlington Northern Railroad. Next up: Water Works    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Kellogg pulls immunity claims from Rice Krispies. Oh, snap    img.fark.net
· · ·

Drew sets the Fark Betting Line for this week's upcoming stories, plus Headlines of the Week for 10/25 - 10/31
Posted by Drew at 2009-11-03 1:18:19 PM (34 comments) | Permalink

For some reason, November brings out the weird more than any other month. Even on Fark, we notice an uptick in truly weird stories. Maybe it's Seasonal Weird Disorder, or perhaps Halloween candy has a latent hallucinogenic effect. More likely it's just a slow news month. There will be a bit of analysis on the presidential election from last year, and the 30-year anniversary of the Iranian hostage crisis is this week, so expect a bit of retrospective, but otherwise there's probably not as much to report on, so there's more filler. The holy trinity will be 1) The Holidays, 2) Bacon Lung, and 3) The Economy. So expect stories on How to Deal with your Asshole Relatives, How to Not Get Swine Flu from your Asshole Relatives During the Holidays, and How to Politely Decline when your Asshole Relatives are Laid Off and Need to Crash With You.

Now that Halloween is over and they're feeding the leftover pumpkins to zoo animals, the horror movies are out, and the rush of family-friendly movies is on. This year will feature the classic story of the Family Who Hates Each Other but Eventually Gets Along.

Here is the Fark Betting Line on some other stories we expect to see this week, and the odds of each. Feel free to add your own to the thread:


- First of the radio stations switches to an all-Christmas-Music format -- in November (12:1)

- News stations break into local coverage to remind you that flying is expensive and to buy your flight tickets as early as possible (3:1)

- News stations break into broken-into local coverage to breathlessly inform you that there's an airline fare war going on (17:1)

- "Fare war" is actually just a publicity stunt from jacked-up ticket prices the week before the fare war (2:1)

- "Does flying actually increase your odds of catching swine flu? Stay tuned" (3:2)

- Zany radio station zoo crew disposes of leftover Halloween pumpkins in the most entertaining way possible (5:1)

- Disposal method includes either explosives or catapult (7:1)

- Or both (28:1)

- First sighting of the business financial analyst who pulls a number out of his ass that swine flu absences will cause American businesses to lose $193.47 bullshillion dollars (5:1)

- First fistfight between helicopter parents during a line-up for swine flu vaccinations (4:1)

- First theft of swine flu vaccines (59:1)

- Iran takes a few hostages from the American Embassy "just for old times sake" (429:1)

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-10-25 to Sat 2009-10-31:

img.fark.net  Rhode Island man hits pedestrian with car, drives for one mile with man stuck in windshield. Driver charged with leaving the scene of an accident, which is odd, since technically he took it with him    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Bolivian animal rights activists succeed in banning circuses from using animals, but now have to figure out what to do with 22 useless lions, a problem Detroit has faced for years    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  DC sniper to get one shot, one kill    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  We've secretly replaced this couple's alarm clock with a Chevy Malibu. Let's see if they notice the difference    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Man pleads guilty to stealing $69,000 in antique coins, will be sent to £MITA prison    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Headline redundancy: "Windows Broken, Computers Damaged"     img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Small plane rapidly plunges into bottom end of Virgin Islands, to be renamed Technical Virgin Islands    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  EPA finds manganese threat at two schools. Just wait until they learn about the tentacle rape    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Farmer killed by grain auger. You know the drill    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Here is the church, and here is the steeple, have some bad weather, and it falls on the people    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Remote Brazilian tribe finds plane crash survivors alive, delicious    img.fark.net


Sports:

img.fark.net  Braylon Edwards hit with assault charges, though they're expected to be dropped    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Yankee fans believe that Jay-Z was responsible for the win last night. Clearly, this is a logical fallacy; after all, the Phillies had 99 problems, and pitching was one    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  New Cubs owners say there are no plans for changes, pennant    img.fark.net


Geek:

img.fark.net  Chemical discovered that attracts mosquitoes to humans. Submitter was going to joke that they had named it "submitters-wifeium", but realized that they really named it "nonanal", which means the same thing    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Internet turns 40 years old today, starts surfing itself for the best price on a new Porsche and a young blonde mistress with huge tits    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  British woman finally on her feet again a year after sneezing and breaking her back. If this woman ever has an orgasm we're all dead    img.fark.net


Showbiz:

img.fark.net  Corey Feldman's wife files for divorce. Corey Feldman to seek sole custody of Corey Haim    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Sony greenlights Men in Black 3, the most anticipated movie of 1999    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Members of blind and deaf community upset that one of their own won't play Helen Keller on Broadway; authorities baffled as to how they found out    img.fark.net


Politics:

img.fark.net  Obama declares swine flu a national emergency, eyes Nobel Prize in Medicine    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Pakistan: We don't know where Al-Qaeda leaders are. Hillary: Huh? what? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my bullshiat detector going off    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Sarah Palin: "Those who would sell their body for money...are likely to say and do anything for even more attention." Andrew Sullivan: "Hey, here's a video of you in a bathing suit competition"    img.fark.net


Music:

img.fark.net  Michael Jackson on target for a sixth No. 1 album. Needless to say, he's speechless    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  John Mayer tried to smuggle a small pocketknife onto a plane; airport security confiscated it, fearing that someone would try and kill Mayer with it    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Why Barry Manilow likes gardening: "It allows me to be quiet." I think that's a hobby that we could all support, Barry    img.fark.net


Business:

img.fark.net  After realizing he won't be allowed to burn the company down and collect the insurance money, Carl Icahn resigns from the board of Yahoo    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Dodd: We're imposing new rules on credit cards. CC Companies: Then we'll jack up interest rates before the rules go into effect. Dodd: Then I'll freeze card rates, you c*ck    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  JoltColatoshutdownoperations    img.fark.net
· · ·

"The U.S. is facing an epidemic of swine flu...stories." Don't worry, coming to Fark is an innoculation against media panic. A short post by Drew, then a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 10/18 - 10/24
Posted by Drew at 2009-10-26 3:17:28 PM (107 comments) | Permalink

Halloween week is upon us, so be on the lookout for the usual outrage commentaries about how kids costumes nowadays are too slutty, then articles on where to x-ray candy, followed up the day after Halloween by articles on how poisoned candy is mostly just an urban legend.

Man your newsflash stations: THE UNITED STATES IS FACING AN EPIDEMIC OF SWINE FLU...stories. Just like how every time you masturbate God kills a kitten, every time time MSM runs another swine flu story, they lose just a little more credibility. Hasn't everyone had swine flu already? I caught it last April. Don't worry, for the next few weeks you'll get to hear which sports and entertainment celebrities have swine flu, which were reported to have swine flu but actually didn't, and probably some more death rumors tied to those. If there's one celebrity that you hate with the heat of a thousand suns, don't worry, that celebrity will remain healthy as a bull.

Next week's story today: Can Thanksgiving turkeys give you swine flu? I'm just guessing, based on the fact that there were a ton of articles on "Can Thanksgiving turkeys give you bird flu?!" a few years ago.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-10-18 to Sat 2009-10-24:

img.fark.net  As more cyclists hit the road, more cyclists hit the road    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  LHC gears up to test the theory that it greenlights stories about itself from the past    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  288 people killed by mudslides in the Benguet province. Officials say that it's two gross    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Balloon boy family feels 'Under Siege'. Sheriff's department is now Out For Justice as this story proves Hard To Kill. Is this family Above The Law, or will an Executive Decision leave them Marked For Death?    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Steve Irwin's $40 million zoo to open in Las Vegas. I'm sure that it will be a ray of sunshine for everyone    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Out in the West Texas town of El Paso / They have the country's most hideous guys / Obese and ugly and uneducated / Just to get farked they must wear a disguise    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Utah's four-day workweek has saved taxpayers millions and given the average state employee more time to spend with his spouses    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Gas blowing out exit brings 69 to a complete halt    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Two agencies, both alike in purpose / In fair Verona, where we lay our scene, / From stillness move to probe an accident / Where falling flooring makes the ground unclean    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Man acquitted of 1990 rape, murder. That means the real killer's still out there somewhere    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Balloon Boy's mom admitted to police the whole saga was a hoax. WHAT? A HOAX? REALLY?    img.fark.net


Sports:

img.fark.net  Denver improves to 6-0, although they have yet to play a good team, as evinced by the fact that every team they have played has lost to the Broncos    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Ahman Green signs contract with the Green Bay Packers, immediately drops it    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Trojans stick it to Beavers    img.fark.net


Geek:

img.fark.net  Scientists discover how Lotus stays dry. Surprisingly, answer is not "Because they're always in the shop"    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Twitter's co-founder, Evan Williams, talks exclusively to the Daily Telegraph about the future of search and plans for improving the micro-b (0)    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Pilot project is trying to determine if chewing gum will ease swallowing problems among people with Parkinson's disease. I'll pause while that sinks in for a minute    img.fark.net


Showbiz:

img.fark.net  CBS to produce two shows from Samuel L. Jackson's TV company. You know the shows on TV? You ARE aware that there's an invention called television, and on this invention, they show shows, right?    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Joss Whedon to direct an episode of "Glee". In other news, "Glee" will be promptly moved to Friday night and cancelled    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Hulk Hogan floored by divorce, steel chair    img.fark.net


Politics:

img.fark.net  Men who voted for McCain saw immediate drops in testosterone levels after election results announced. Men who voted for Obama didn't have any to lose, stayed the same    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Twenty years ago, communism fell across the globe, surviving today only in Cuba, China and Berkeley    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  US warns of 'slow, painful' intercourse with Myanmar, suggests that Burma shave    img.fark.net


Music:

img.fark.net  Next demographic to be exploited: Parents who grew up worshipping hair metal. "Lullaby Renditions of Guns & Roses" is out, in case you always wanted your kids to fall asleep to a song about heroin and prostitutes    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Evanescence plans on playing a secret show in New York next month. The news has been greeted warmly by their legion of fan    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Man tries to hijack Paul Simon's tour bus. This wouldn't have happened if Paul had a bodyguard    img.fark.net


Business:

img.fark.net  On 3/11/09, a trader made a $1.7 million bet that shares of Bear Stearns would lose more than half their value in less than nine days. On 3/17/09, the options paid $270 million. And yes, SEC about as effective as Sgt. Schultz overseeing Hogan    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  The luxury market, once in free-fall, is still declining, just not as steeply as some analysts earlier expected. In other words, people are still buying ivory back scratchers, just not as many    img.fark.net

img.fark.net  Giant crane has swan song in St. Louis before trip to Kansas City. It will have to duck, but has no egrets    img.fark.net
· · ·

Sex advice from mathemeticians, adult-onset Scottish syndrome, and Pope Obama: a smattering of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 10/11 to 10/17
Posted by Drew at 2009-10-19 12:50:19 PM (23 comments) | Permalink

Sorry for the lack of recaps this week, I've been balloon-watching. In the meantime, here are some of our favorite headlines from last week.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-10-11 to Sat 2009-10-17:

img1.fark.net  The idea that a crematorium is opening next door really burns up this 74 year-old woman. Or at least it will soon enough    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Mathematicians are giving sex advice now. How hard could that be? Subtract clothes, divide legs, add penis, multiply    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Man shoots his fiancée one day before the wedding. Whew. That was close    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Naked bicycle-riding suspect arrested. Bike taken as evidence, but may be tainted    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Transylvania County NC expecting 2, 3, 4 inches of flooding rains today. Ah Ah Ah    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  46-year-old English man acquires Tourette's Syndrome, baffling doctors who simply assumed he was Scottish    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Woman left with ten-minute memory wins £4.46m claim, offered to greenlight articles on Fark    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Brothel offers discounts for 'green' customers who pedal to the door. "Schwinn"    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Shots fired into Burger King drive-through window. Police on lookout for redheaded man dressed in yellow, possibly accompanied by large purple bell-shaped creature    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Nebraska meatpacker recalls 33,000 pounds of beef tongue. Fondly    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Citing energizing precedent of Barack Obama, Vatican watchers suspect Catholic Church will select black Pope to replace 82-year-old Benedict. Obama expected to decline offer    img.fark.net


Sports:

img1.fark.net  British teenager calls for arm-wrestling to become an Olympic sport, possibly to distract people from the real reason one of his arms is much more developed than the other    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Deer tackles 7-year-old playing football, is immediately signed by Raiders to a two-year contract    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Bills team so embarrassing that Thurman Thomas statue flees to Canada, forgets helmet    img.fark.net


Geek:

img1.fark.net  Scientists discover first vegetarian spider, easily identified as the one shunned by other spiders and getting picked on by ants    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  BBC survey finds that New Zealanders have one of the most socially attractive accents, which just makes it more of a shame that it's wasted on a bunch of sheep    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Hospital error causes 206 radiation overdoses. No word yet on emerging superpowers    img.fark.net


Showbiz:

img1.fark.net  "Amy Winehouse admitted to hospital." Submitter's glad he assigned that headline an F key to save time    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Whitney Houston to hit the road, crackpipe    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Toni Braxton may lose her home because she unpaid her mortgage    img.fark.net


Politics:

img1.fark.net  Watch out Crist, Meek may inherit Florida    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  It's starting to look like Texas Governor Rick Perry knowingly signed off on executing an innocent man, and is now trying to obstruct an investigation. Hopefully he'll cheat on his wife soon so the media will finally take notice    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  YA RLY have to respect Judge Clay Land for telling ORLY Taitz there's NO WAI she can file frivolous lawsuits without being fined $20,000    img.fark.net


Music:

img1.fark.net  I'm happy for you, Kanye, and I'ma let you finish, but the Beatles had one of the greatest spiritual journeys to India of ALL TIME    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  You could now clone Elvis Presley, a clump of his hair is up for sale. As an added bonus, it's from 1958, so it won't smell like peanut butter and barbiturates    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Hark, the wheezing geezer sings: Bob Dylan releases Christmas Album    img.fark.net


Business:

img1.fark.net  Lufthansa to reintroduce internet service on its jets, allowing passengers to biatch about the latest Fark redesign while plunging to the earth from 20,000 feet    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  First woman wins Nobel prize for economics. So it looks like all those home ec. classes paid off    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  AT&T to raise landline prices. In other news, Maxell to raise cassette tape prices    img.fark.net
· · ·

Congratulations to 40below for achieving 10,000 greenlights on Fark. Also some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 10/4 - 10/10
Posted by Drew at 2009-10-12 3:15:18 PM (443 comments) | Permalink

A lot of times before we get to the Headline of the Week, we do a little writeup on media trends, but this week we have a happy milestone to announce. Today, our most prolific submitter--you know him as 40below--passed 10,000 greenlights. Congratulations, sir, you've accomplished a feat that is difficult to imagine even among the regular submitters.

Considering that his account was created back in February 2004, that means he's averaged about 5.5 greenlights a day, every day since he joined. You may use your own adjectives for that, but I'm going to pick impressive.

While the importance of the Fark community cannot be downplayed, the submitters are often overlooked unless they come into a popular thread and take the occasional well-deserved bow. It's easy to recognize the popular posters because they're so visible, but the submitters provide so much of the entertainment value here. They're the ones that not only find fresh oddball and weird news stories, but then go the extra mile by crafting the headlines that have made nearly everybody here laugh at inappropriate times in the office, occasionally during meetings, and have made us all spit out our beverage of choice onto our keyboards.

Everybody who contributes to Fark in some small way makes this place better. And today, I want to give a nod to somebody who has helped make Fark into something special.

Thank you, 40below. Good work.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-10-04 to Sat 2009-10-10:

img1.fark.net  New eye-examiner had internship in Alaska; may be an optical Aleutian    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Cookbook for cancer patients: "We were hoping for tumor chapters, but the publisher said there could only benign"    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  300 U.S. children are burned each day. Well done parents    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Helen Keller to be honored with a statue on Capitol Hill. Guess hiding from the Nazis all those years finally paid off    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Barack Obama linked to terrorist Yasser Arafat    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Man finally wins his battle to have the "refrigerator from hell" replaced. In related news, the triumphal return of Gozer has been postponed indefinitely    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Trio of burglars steals $100K in perfume. Authorities encourage citizens to report any information through the appropriate Chanels    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Golfer loses arm after being attacked by alligator. No word on what his handicap is now    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  United Nations plane crash leaves 11 dead, food for the whole village    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  This Sunday, the Pope will canonize five new saints, including one from Hawaii. Wait, what? After only eight months in office?    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Convicted sex offender sues state, claiming his arrest for attending a church with a daycare restricts his First Amendment rights, dating opportunities    img.fark.net


Sports:

img1.fark.net  One legged fighter becomes the first disabled competitor to win an MMA bout, receiving a leaning ovation from the crowd    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  St. Louis Blues investigating escalator that injured thirteen, left a dozen stranded for hours    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  College bands reprimanded for playing at "inappropriate times" during football game, presumably 7/16 or 9/23    img.fark.net


Geek:

img1.fark.net  Children as young as five found to be using the Internet without parental supervision. All of a sudden the Politics tab makes sense    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Blackbirds found to have better understanding of physics than chimpanzees, liberal arts majors    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  U.S. develops plan to control massive wild horse population in western states. We won't get into the details, but hope you enjoy your next My Little McPony Happy Meal    img.fark.net


Showbiz:

img1.fark.net  "Zombieland" takes the box office Friday, proving people really do love brainless entertainment    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Jude Law's "Hamlet" falls somewhere between "to see" and "not to see"    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  The Godfather and its sequels are the classic films Britons are the most likely to claim to have seen without actually watching the movies. Except for Godfather 3, nobody would ever admit to watching that    img.fark.net


Politics:

img1.fark.net  Obamas share quiet dinner to celebrate wedding anniversary, last time anyone accepted one of Barack's proposals    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Obama will donate his $1.4 million in Nobel Prize money to charity, the Foundation for Rubbing it in Bill and Hillary Clinton's Smug Faces    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Hillary Clinton settles dispute between Turkey and Armenia. If only there was some prize she could win to show how she's making peace in the world    img.fark.net


Music:

img1.fark.net  U2 'desperate' to have their own video game reflective of the band but say they can't find a developer able to design a game that is equal parts pompous and suck and that drags on for hours without actually getting anywhere    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Jethro Tull shows what happens if you mix the drugs of Burning Man, Bill The Butcher's kid brother and an unreleased dance number from The Lord of the Rings    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Jay-Z credits Wham as an early influence. Is there no end to Andrew Ridgeley's reign of terror?    img.fark.net


Business:

img1.fark.net  Dutch start Europe's first camel dairy, proving once again that there's no idea so dumb that the Dutch won't try it first    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Headline: "Verizon to sell 2 Google phones this year". Why all the optimism, Verizon?    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Starbucks sues former executive who moved to Dunkin' Donuts. Legal experts say plaintiff has grounds    img.fark.net
· · ·

Drew does an early review of Swine Flu Epidemic 2: Panic Boogaloo. Also, some of Fark's favorite headlines from last week
Posted by Drew at 2009-10-05 1:52:44 PM (62 comments) | Permalink

Now that we're in October, expect a plethora of stories about swine flu, regular flu, some new flu strain that they're just discovering too late, flu shots, inhalers, autism, shot effectiveness, shot ineffectiveness and about a hundred other angles that the media will find. The MSM Panic Patrol has its antennae up right now waiting to unleash a barrage of stories on it, and by the end of the month and through November, expect them to be at full pants-shiatting Defcon 1.

You can expect lots of good information, which will naturally be buried under an avalanche of talking-head hypothesizing, complete with state-by-state Swine Flu Death Counts. On the upside, sooner or later someone will talk about The Stand by Stephen King. So there's that.

If you want to get on television during this period, make sure to wear a surgical mask in public. The public will be wearing them sooner or later, anyway, so you might as well get a bit of face-time. Or half-face-time, as the case may be. For some real fun this flu season, wait until the media is at the full bed-wetting mania stage, and then get a cup of tap water, sneak up behind a co-worker and flick some of the water off your fingers onto their neck while pretending to sneeze. Just kidding, don't do that because then they will kill. you. dead.

This week's Fark Betting Line has the swine flu in the top spot, with a few other likely (and some unlikely, but possible) stories sprinkled in for good measure. As always, feel free to add your own upcoming stories with the appropriate odds:

- Swine flu information stories begin flooding in, mostly talking about preparations, precautions, and a few hypothetical mass-closure situations (2:1)

- Stories include dread-inducing comment by anonymous CDC official (6:1)

- Stories mention body bags (12:1)

- Dumb criminal of the year award nominee story comes out of Florida (3:1)

- Wheel of Ridiculous Sports Injuries lands on...Boston (23:1)

- Alcohol + Darwin award (3:1)

- Conspiracy theorists tie to swine flu to:

- the Government (2:1)

- Sammy B'laden and the Alley Qaedas (3:1)

- Iran (6:1)

- Madagascar (29:1)


Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-09-27 to Sat 2009-10-03:

img1.fark.net  121 children hospitalized with lead poisoning in China live near battery plant. Doctors report half positive, half negative, one discharged    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Turks mourn loss of Ottoman, put their feet down and consider pulling the coffee table closer    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Hawking says asteroids are biggest threat. Everybody scoot    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  The U.S. Navy is considering letting women serve on submarines. Presumably sandwiches    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Having never been to Fark, the EPA had no idea aging caulk in schools was a problem    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  While people routinely get screwed during their divorce, rarely is the rogering so complete that the judge feels compelled to masturbate during the proceedings    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  UN declares the Tango part of the Cultural Heritage of Humanity. However, the Lambada is still FORBIDDEN    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  The recession is taking a bigger toll on singles, mainly because married couples are already used to despair, hopelessness, and throwing all their money down a snotty, crying drain    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Masturbation epidemic explodes all over Syria    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Fruit truck overturns in New Jersey. Traffic jams    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Man arrested for masturbating in Bed, Bath and Beyond parking lot, charged with indecent exposure, taking store name too seriously    img.fark.net


Sports:

img1.fark.net  Washington bails out Detroit once again    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Former Yankee Chuck Knoblauch charged with throwing punch at wife. If she'd have been closer to first base, she'd have never been hit    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  The mysterious white powder that the Washington Redskins have been staying away from.....turned out to be the goal line    img.fark.net


Geek:

img1.fark.net  Australian scientists discover 850 previously unknown species living in subterranean caves and micro-caverns, most of which are blind, pale and play World of Warcraft for up to 20 hours/day    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Stephen Hawking steps down as Lucasian professor at Cambridge, sort of    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Scientists create hydrogen and batteries from pee. Urine charge now    img.fark.net


Showbiz:

img1.fark.net  To honor her brother, Janet Jackson will wear black for a year. If she really wanted to honor him, she would slowly fade it to white    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Wendy Williams gets a talk show. First guest will reportedly drive a school bus through a wall of TVs while she rides on top    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Ramones biopic possibly on the way. The movie will be badly lit, badly edited, plot will barely hold together and dialogues will seem written by a 12-year-old, yet it will somehow hold together brilliantly    img.fark.net


Politics:

img1.fark.net  Sarah Palin's memoir "Going Rogue" out November 17th, hopefully followed by the sequel "Going Away"    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Hillary Clinton thrilled to be president of the UN Security Council, says she may blow an intern just for the hell of it    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Glenn Beck has identified the cause of all that is wrong with America: The fact that the US Mint has stopped putting "In God We Trust" on our money. Sure, it's a complete falsehood, but the crazy boat ain't gonna sail itself    img.fark.net


Music:

img1.fark.net  Lucy in the sky has died, man    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Fred Durst's wife leaves him after finally listening to a Limp Bizkit album    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Lady Gaga pulls out of Kanye West, tour    img.fark.net


Business:

img1.fark.net  Civil servants found to miss more work, do less work than any other employee whose status is not 'clinically dead'    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  State Farm ranks West Virginians as most likely to hit a deer, cousin    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Canada's stalled economy 'a shocker', Two with a "Pink Slip", One on the Brink    img.fark.net
· · ·

Drew discovers a new and previously unknown version of the Seasonal Article that you might have never noticed. Also, Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 9/20 to 9/26
Posted by Drew at 2009-09-28 1:46:51 PM (36 comments) | Permalink

I just missed one of the more curious seasonal articles of the year. Usually I'm more on top of things but I've been getting some rapid-fire travel in. Heather's pregnancy was a little complicated but I'll spare everyone the details - the short version is it all worked out with no significant complications. Unfortunately that means that I haven't had time to keep up on current Fark events, such as who the latest Florida teacher to be arrested for having sex with a student is, the latest naked guy to rob a bank, etc. Friends will ask me about stories when we're out for beers, but lately I've had to tell them I haven't seen them either.

So last week, I missed one of my favorite Seasonal Article repeats of the entire year. For those unfamiliar with the article type, Seasonal Articles are articles that get repeated every year. Such as the article about how much productivity is lost during the Super Bowl, Hey There'll Be Traffic on Memorial Day/4th of July/Labor Day/Thanksgiving, the annual Where To X-Ray Your Halloween Candy with the debunking of the urban legend about poisoned candy, etc. They're lame and media trots them out every year at the exact same time as if we've never heard of these things before.

Most of the Seasonal Articles rotate around holidays. There are a few that don't though, such as the flu sequence of articles. It goes something like this

- Here's Where to Get Flu Vaccine, Get It or You'll Die
- Oh My God We're Running Out of Flu Vaccine
- Oh My God The Flu Vaccine is for the Wrong Flu Variant
- Oh My God There's a New Strain of Flu That Will Surely Kill Us All
- Celebrity Non-Scientist Claims Flu Vaccine Causes Autism (Paragraph Five: But There's No Evidence)

And so on.

For the most part, MSM knows they're running the same articles at the same times of the year. It's no secret to them. However, around the time I was doing research for my last book, I discovered one that no one realizes is a Seasonal Article. For all I know it could be one hell of a coincidence, but it does appear every year at exactly the same time:

- Saturday Night Live's New Season Sucks, But It Was Good 10 years ago.

I can't figure this one out. For whatever reason, MSM hates SNL's first show of the season. They can't wait to bash it into the ground. Maybe it does really suck, I quit watching SNL years ago because it's easier to just wait until they do one good sketch and then catch it on Youtube/Hulu. But to me the really strange part of this seasonal article is the claim that it was better 10 years ago. Because I first remember seeing this seasonal article when I was back in High School. It said exactly the same thing, SNL is past its prime, it sucks today, it was great 10 years ago. I remember being really disappointed, man I'd missed the great golden age of comedy. 10 years later I was out of college (and therefore reading for fun again, something that stops when you're in college) and came across the same article. This season of SNL is terrible, 10 years ago it was great. Wait a second, 10 years ago they said it was terrible. Obviously it wasn't the same people writing the review, but it was essentially the same article. You could copy and paste the thing, change the names of the cast members and hosts, and voila, done for another year.

I think probably what's going on here is that it's the SNL highlight shows that are hilarious and awesome. Every SNL episode has one or two (or zero) really funny skits that end up on the Best Of reel, and those Best Of shows are what reviewers are talking about when they say that SNL was great 10 years ago. So to fans and non-fans alike, I say don't worry about whether or not this season is any good, the Best Of reel will be great and 10 years from now when several of the stars have gone on to make terrible movies and one or two of them have gone on to make the rare actually funny movie, we'll all think the entire season 10 years ago was pure awesome. But today, it sucks.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-09-20 to Sat 2009-09-26:

img1.fark.net  Small group of Calvinists fight to stop their church from being closed. Last seen barricaded in the building armed with transmogrifier guns and a stuffed tiger    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  80-ton wave generator works briefly as advertised when it falls into the ocean    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Woman reports own son to police for rolling a joint with a page from a bible. Holy Smokes    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Four punks try to rob 88-year-old WWII vet, accidentally open a very large can of Acute Failure of the Victim Selection Process    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Census worker found hung, with the word "fed" scrawled into his chest. Hey, at least we know he ate before he died    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  At least nine out of 10 Americans have had premarital sex. So that means for every virgin, someone is having a three-way    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Sheriff of Nottingham uses taxpayers' money to visit US. If only there was a folk hero who would stand up for the common man in situations like this    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Dispute over donkey leads to knifing, proving once again that you always have to watch your ass    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Kissimmee considering changing its name to Owitsstingingmee    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  "Vehicle crashes into house, disappears." Pentagon unavailable for comment    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Fake psychologist charged with freud    img.fark.net


Sports:

img1.fark.net  Elementary school kids run through blocking and tackling drills with the Detroit Lions. Advice and encouragement were given, as well as physical fitness pointers. Hopefully the Lions learned something    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  TO admits that he wants to become an actor. He could start by not looking so surprised when a perfectly thrown, sure TD pass goes right through his hands    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Tebow injured and taken to the hospital by ambulance, expected to rise again in three days    img.fark.net


Geek:

img1.fark.net  35 million worldwide living with dementia, posting in Fark Politics tab    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Linus Torvalds, creator of the Linux kernel, says the OS has become "bloated and huge". Much like your average Linux user    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Incredibly, Bing has increased Microsoft's search share by a whopping 0.4 percent. Google it if you don't believe me    img.fark.net


Showbiz:

img1.fark.net  Kevin Federline, who earned a shred of fame as the remora to Britney Spears' whale shark, has signed on to VH1's Celebrity Fit Club. And there it is folks, proof that our culture has hit bottom    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  ♫ All the leaves are brown ♫ And the sky is gray ♫ So I'll sleep with my daughter ♫ Every single daaaaaaaaay ♫  

img1.fark.net  Capitalism has failed, says Michael Moore, whose new movie will be available free of charge to all the workers of the world    img.fark.net


Politics:

img1.fark.net  Senator Robert Byrd is in the hospital. Subby hopes he's okkkay    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Meg Whitman, former eBay CEO, announces run for Governor of California. Expects to lead early, but get sniped five seconds before the polls close    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Ted Kennedy's recently appointed replacement says joining Senate is "sobering" experience. So he's already abandoning the Kennedy legacy    img.fark.net


Music:

img1.fark.net  Jay-Z shows Bobby Brown how it's done; he's beaten Whitney Houston two straight weeks in a row    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Sex Pistols' Glen Matlock is going on a solo tour. Expect your grandparents to get excited and demand tickets, and then come home upset because they completely misunderstood    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Morrissey recruits fellow vegan and woman Chrissie Hynde to help him with a new album of rarities, B-sides, and live tracks    img.fark.net


Business:

img1.fark.net  Custom Iacocca edition mustangs sells for $90k. DeLorean edition will have extra wide mirrors and a street value of $500k    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Sara Lee may sell off its line of body care products (i.e. shampoo) in order to focus on its line of body neglect products (i.e. Jimmy Dean sausages)    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  More and more engaged couples signing pre-nups to protect assets amassed during their single days, like chipped Billy bookcases, mismatched sets of Corningware and complete sets of Star Wars figurines    img.fark.net
· · ·

Fark sets the betting line for stories that might show up in the media soon, and some of our favorite Headlines of the Week for 9/13 - 9/19
Posted by Drew at 2009-09-21 1:56:35 PM (26 comments) | Permalink

We're rapidly reaching Massive Topic Burnout with the whole health care discussion. Congress got to argue about it, senators got to argue about it, Obama had his big presidential address(es) and then followed it up with another media blitz last week, so everybody is sick to death of it. It's still an important thing to discuss, but we're Americans and we demand entertainment.

The media knows this, and frankly they're pretty sick of covering the same basic information again, too. Fortunately for them, not only is football season back in swing, but this week they get to run with 24/7 entertainment and showbiz updates. The start of the Fall TV season gives publicists and the paparazzi bona fide priapism, and the MSM's entertainment editors get big one-hour blocks where they experience virtual speculative orgasms about who in Hollywood is dating, engaged, marrying, divorcing, cheating, etc. Publicists are often the source of the speculation, because it gets both the name of the star and the name of the show in print simultaneously. And as long as they put a question mark at the end, they get to avoid pesky lawsuits with column filler such as, "Is Patrick Dempsey (who plays heartthrob Dr. Derek Shepherd on ABC's Grey's Anatomy which is premiering on September 24 at 8PM EST, check your local listings) secretly engaged to a Himalayan water buffalo?"

Like we do every Monday, here is the Fark Betting Line with a few stories that we think might appear this week, as well as the odds of the stories actually shaking out. Feel free to add your own betting line for stories that you think might shake out this week.


- MSM minimizes health care debate except for breaking news, such as "Senator Wyden hospitalized after being crushed by 742-page health care bill" (3:1)

- Publicist-inspired ridiculous story about the star of some show making its Fall debut this week, with bonus gratuitous name and airtime of show (2:1)

- More discussion of the Kanye West outburst, including people speculating that race might be a factor and the inevitable question: "Is our society getting more rude?" (5:1)

- Breaking celebrity scandal gets MSM's gratuitous use of newsflashes (6:1)

- Breaking celebrity scandal is comprehensively debunked within two hours (3:1)

- Discussion of how swine flu would impact the different universal healthcare initiatives (9:1)

- Early doomtastic speculation about conflicting economic numbers, and discussion of Black Tuesday sort of Wall Street crash (11:1)

- Wall street responds to gloomy predictions with 250-point gain, leading all of the pundits who were convinced of a crash to now discuss the beginning of our new Bull Market (6:1)

- Early call for college football playoff system from BCS teams who are suddenly worried that their one loss might keep them from prime bowl contention (5:1)


Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-09-13 to Sat 2009-09-19:

img1.fark.net  B A N N E R P L A N E C R A S H E S l N D E W E Y B E A C H D E L A W A R E    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Two of Bermuda Triangle's most mysterious disappearances solved; actual cause was wrecktangle    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Body entombed in wall positively identified as missing Yale student. Cask of Amontillado still unaccounted for    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Police arrest a "person of interest" in Yale murder investigation. I guess that rules out Jay Leno    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Authorities arrest a drug ring that used American Airlines to smuggle nearly 20,000 pounds of cocaine in suitcases. The street value of the drug was estimated at $19.95 once you subtracted the extra baggage fees    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Actual headline: "5 Items Will Consumer 50% of Your Income." Well, okaying, but I expectish I'll be earningest 15 percentage more moneyed befores muchly longerestingishly    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Sticky-Note Bandit arrested in Nevada. If we get an update, we'll post it later    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Water main break threatens to clean up parts of Baltimore    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Canada urged to embrace official bilinguialism so country can accept English and French in the same way that America is able to happily accomodate both people who speak English and Southerners    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  South Carolina Mayor bans police pursuit of suspects -- even foot pursuit. May ban Trivial Pursuit later this week    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Prolific mail thief gets 25 to life. Cellmate Bubba overheard remarking "Hello, new man"    img.fark.net


Sports:

img1.fark.net  McNabb breaks his McRibs    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Ric Flair signs three-year deal to wrestle Hulk Hogan. Wrestlers will now hit each other with their walkers until somebody breaks a hip    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Trojans have their yearly accident    img.fark.net


Geek:

img1.fark.net  Scientists release first global photo map of Titan, looks like Slartibartfast is going to win another award    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Reversing a vasectomy can really make a vas deferens    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  New rabies vaccine is strong enough that a single shot may protect bite victims. Unlike submitter's childhood, when EVERYONE knew you had to have 12 shots...per day...in the eye...with a harpoon    img.fark.net


Showbiz:

img1.fark.net  You're posting on Fark, where Wil Wheaton also hangs out, who was in Star Trek TNG with Patrick Stewart, who appeared on Extras with Ricky Gervais, who is presenting at the Emmys with Kevin Bacon    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  JJ Abrams says the next Star Trek movie will deal with "modern issues". With the Federation in a recession, fighting wars againt Cardassia and Romulus, are they ready for a Jem'Hadar President who may have been born in Qo'nos?    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Now the music industry wants royalties for the 30 second preview clips on iTunes. Next up, being charged for having a song stuck in your head    img.fark.net


Politics:

img1.fark.net  Obama heads to Wall Street to address financial reform. Stockbroker's parents will keep them home that day so they won't be indoctrinated into socialism    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  President Obama calls Kanye West a "jackass." Kanye responds by claiming Obama doesn't care about black people    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  House to discipline Wilson for outburst. IT'S NOT LUPUS    img.fark.net


Music:

img1.fark.net  "Bobby Brown: Whitney Houston and I Corrupted Each Other." Up next: "Whitney Houston and I beat her ass."    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Lady Gaga and Kanye West join forces for the "She Might Have One, He's A Huge One" tour    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Peter, Paul    img.fark.net


Business:

img1.fark.net  France Telecom has 23rd employee suicide in 18 months - woman threw herself from sixth-floor window of Paris building into river; must have been in Seine    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  McDonalds actually employs one of the top chefs in America, and it's his job to create innovative food that the average liberal arts major can assemble in three minutes or less    img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Abercrombie to sue Beyonce for trademark infringement. Lawyers for the company say they were originally going to sue Taylor Swift until Kanye West interrupted the filing and demanded they sue Beyonce instead    img.fark.net
· · ·


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