The annual commercial for the accounting firm that compiles the "pulled out of their ass" figures for the cost of the Twelve Days of Christmas ran today. December is the month of recycled crap news. It'll be heavier than usual this year due to the End of the Decade. Beware of Top 10 Whatever Lists of the Decade in inconvenient, pageview-generating slideshow format. Speaking of which, what are we going to call the past decade? 00s? Wikipedia claims someone suggested calling it the "naughties". The UN has apparently named it "Decade for the Promotion of a Culture of Peace and Non-Violence for the Children of the World". Which, aside from sounding like something Borat would have come up with, really doesn't sum up the past 10 years in any way shape or form. Personally I'm leaning toward "the aughts" til someone comes up with something better. I'm also noticing a lot of people calling next year "twenty oh ten". So last week we talked about how I suspected a lot of the people standing in line for Black Friday stuff were just going to resell it on eBay. I ran a check on a number of items featured in a CNN article on "Best Free Commercial for Target and Walmart"... I mean Black Friday Deals. I didn't see a noticable uptick on any of them for sale on eBay, however I also don't know if the items featured were for sale in all stores (I'm assuming so). However several thousand more Wiis are up on eBay now. Probably just coincidence. Also last week we talked about how today is Cyber Monday. It started as a hoax PR stunt, but has since morphed into a reason for online retailers to mark stuff down and attract free press. Personally I've noticed I've started writing down the names of gifts I see in brick and mortar stores so I can order them online later. I'm terrible at getting presents sent off on time, this saves me the trouble. One final reminder, our Headline of the Year contest is coming up this month. It's being coordinated by Unfreakable again, so if you have questions or want to help, he's the guy to talk to. All of the Headline of the Week winners get an automatic berth, and there were two nomination threads, one on November 16 and another on November 20. We're trying to get the final voting threads up for you all in about two weeks. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-11-22 to Sat 2009-11-28:  Macy's Thanksgiving parade changes route; Charlie Brown balloon to get a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue   Despite efforts to discourage them, Iraqi refugees keep flocking to Detroit, since living in a war-torn third world hellhole reminds them of home  County jail inmates denied hot meals for past five weeks because of broken kettles for boiling and heating. As God is my witness, I thought turnkeys could fry  Twelve Iranian couples to be stoned after deciding to give partner swapping a try, demonstrating once again how they do everything backwards over there  Celebrated trial lawyer died driving unsafe and uncrashworthy SUV on negligently designed and maintained road that one or more persons had maliciously allowed to become wet in the rain. He never had a chance "Gunfight at Chicken World Leaves One Dead." Looks like someone went off half-cocked, but I think this reporter still deserves a Pullet Surprise  "Godfather of Spam" sentenced to 51 months of meat in his can Lovers reportedly have sex in clock tower in broad daylight - of course that's only second hand Studies show that men who stifle their anger at work are more than twice as likely to die of a heart attack; those that don't are more than twice as likely to die of malnutrition and exposure from living in a cardboard box  ♫ Grandma got pulled over by a trooper / Driving with a kid Thanksgiving Eve / You may say that jailing her's excessive / But then again, she blew point four fifteen ♫ It's curtains for two in beefeater scandal Sports:  New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin had a stalker. A male stalker. A retarded male stalker. No, the stalker wasn't Eli Manning  Tiger Woods' wife used a golf club to knock out the rear window of the car after last night's accident. Police said she initially had a sand wedge, but then chose a 9 iron and hooded it after testing the wind Britain makes case that 2018 soccer World Cup should be held in the U.K., pointing out that it may be the only time in their lives that British soccer fans get to see what the trophy looks like Geek: Three hajj pilgrims die of some funky cold in Medina  Men suddenly claim to be more religious when they're trying to get laid, proving that there truly are no atheists in fox holes Power plant in Norway uses salt to generate electricity. The excitement that scientists are feeling is a white-NaCl ride Showbiz: Zac Efron wants to play a James Bond villain in "Dr. No Staying Out Past Your Curfew" Heidi Klum officially takes husband Seal's last name, will now be known as Heidi  David Hassellhoffspitalized Politics: Chinese democracy leaders appeal to Obama. They get down on their sha na na na na na na na knees, knees Obama's accept delivery of 2009 Christmas tree. The tree came from West Virginia, so there is at least one thing born and raised in America currently in the White House IAEA sends strongly worded memo to Iran, U.S. hints at larger font sizes to come Music: Lady Gaga spent $1,000 on 80 pizzas for fans waiting for her autograph. We can only assume that there was extra sausage  Kid Rock still angry he starred in a sex tape with Creed's Scott Stapp, really wishes it had been Nickelback's Chad Kroeger Guns 'N' Roses announce string of Asian concerts, proving that it only took them 16 years to reach the point where they're big in Japan Business: CEOs cashed in before Wall Street meltdown. In other news, large moon discovered orbiting Earth Koenigsegg pulls out. GM seen walking home, Saabing  Vietnam raises interest rates to combat eroding confidence with its dong, plans to try Spanish fly next
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Back when I was in college, my parents held a garage sale to get rid of a bunch of extra heavy stuff before a big move. One of the things they were selling was an antique roll-top desk. My parents realized it was probably worth more than the $100 they were asking for it, but as they saw it, they just wanted the thing hauled away. They didn't know what its actual value was and didn't care (and by the way, this isn't one of those "and later they discovered it was worth a million dollars" stories). They placed an advertisement in the local newspaper saying the garage sale would start 8pm sharp on Friday morning. They also mentioned in the ad that there was an antique roll top desk available. Hey, remember classified ads in papers? The first potential buyer for the roll-top desk stopped by during dinner Thursday evening. My dad told him to go away that he was too early. He tried to bid up the price to get us to sell it to him early, but my dad wasn't having any of it. He told the man to come back the following morning at 8am. 15 minutes later someone else showed up, my dad sent him away too. 15 minutes later someone else showed up. Finally around 8pm my dad caved and sold it to the next guy who showed up just to get rid of the thing and be done with it. Friday morning, people started arriving at 6am for the 8am opening of the garage sale hoping to get an advance pick-through. This was my first contact with the Resale Subculture. Whether the motivations are hobby or business, there is a subset of consumers that buy items to resell them elsewhere. With the advent of eBay and an online buying culture, things have gotten much worse. A friend of mine told me that when she worked at the local Staples, there was a family that would show up anytime anything was on sale, buy whatever the item maximum limit was, take them home, attempt to sell the items on eBay for a profit, and then later return anything they couldn't sell. Or take the Wii for example. This may be the first year it's actually possible to get a Wii in stores. Wiis have been sold out every Christmas since their launch a few years ago. Sold out in stores that is, if you were willing to pay $500-$800 for a $300 console on eBay, there were thousands of them. I don't know how many people exist in the Resale Subculture, but I do know this: every last one of them will be in line for Black Friday specials in the early morning hours the day after Thanksgiving. Personally I suspect that they outnumber actual regular customers at this point. While I might be willing to wake up at 4am to get to a 5am sale at Wal-Mart to buy a $5 flatscreen TV, Resale Subculture folks are lining up the night before or hiring homeless people to stand in line for them. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if nearly all of the people in line for Black Friday specials are planning to resell their items on eBay. It's easy to do and there's no real risk involved; if the item doesn't sell, just take it back for a full refund. I wish I'd thought of doing this in college. One store manager told me that the store workers themselves are aware of the Resale Subculture's domination of Black Friday sales. Which likely means that the corporate suits also know and intentionally gear Black Friday toward eBay resellers in return for free advertising (media coverage). Is this a bad thing? No, not really. Although it does put the point of this whole Black Friday thing in a different light. I just find it odd that no one's looked into this yet. I'd be interested to read an MSM article checking into exactly who these people are that are lining up outside of stores the night before Black Friday. If anyone submits one, we'll pop it on the main page of Fark, especially if there are interviews with drunk homeless guy line-placeholders. Those guys are soundbite machines. Don't let us down, Florida. By the way be ready for BS stories later this week about Cyber Monday, the supposed online equivalent of brick-and-mortar retail's Black Friday. Cyber Monday was a hoax first perpetrated a few years back by some individuals looking for free publicity. It's not real and there's no data that backs up any kind of online sales surge the Monday after Thanksgiving. But it sounds plausible, doesn't it? MSM finds it compelling enough to run a story on it every year. Skip it. If anyone's passing through Lexington, KY on their way to or from somewhere, by all means drop me a line and let me know. Especially if you do it around 11:45pm Tuesday, I have a soccer game that gets done around then and I'll be awake til closing time easily. I grabbed a beer yesterday with a farkette heading to Birmingham, we had a great time hanging out watching football. So let me know. In the meantime, I hope all of you have a great Thanksgiving, eat way too much, and pass out fat and happy because that's my plan. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-11-15 to Sat 2009-11-21: New report from the Iowa department of public health shows that 7% of 6 year olds suffer from lead poisoning, possibly because their parents are feeding them too many Pb & J sandwiches Danish political party admits to covering posters for opposing parties' candidates with yellow stickers shaped like penises. Nice try, but in America, we go all out and put the dicks on the actual BALLOTS Man has remote-controlled bowels implanted after motorcycle accident, really loses his shiat when wife changes the channel Australian teenager dies in workplace electrocution. See, this is why you should always ground your teenagers Raw milk producer waits for ruling. Hopes for bovine intervention Group finds high levels of lead in Disney, Barbie toys, which can cause irreversible brain damage. The lead can be harmful too  Toddler falls into baptismal font. To answer the obvious question: Yes, he was saved Music teacher jailed for playing skin flute. You submitted this with A minor joke  ♫ I took a little souvenir-o of a man / Stole a tooth, stole a tooth, fingers and a ver-te-bra / Hidden out of sight, but now they'll see the light again / GALILEO galileo GALILEO galileo Galileo Figaro / Magnificoooooo ♫ 100-foot Christmas Tree crashes into bridge, makes its presents felt Semi-nude Victoria's Secret fashion models reveal untold talents and you've already clicked the link, haven't you? Have I told you about my mother lately? No, she's doing fine, just making cheesecake and some muffins this morning Sports: Michelle Wie finally putts out "The Cornhuskers are similar to the Wildcats in that they do not pass often." But enough about their grades, how's their throwing game? Sacramento outraged after learning ex-King Chris Webber called it "a cowtown" in ESPN interview. Wait, time-out, Chris can explain everythi-- uh oh Geek: Toshiba sends chair into space for new advertisement. Still not as impressive as the Chesterfield Sofa which showed up in the middle of a cricket match Scientists come up with four ways to feed the ever increasing world population. Most of them are quite large schemes, we probably need to start with a more modest proposal Bangkok introduces disposable penis measuring device (measures non disposable penises as well) Showbiz: Actual headline: "O'DONNELL HID SPLIT FOR TWO YEARS." With what? A circus tent? James Van Der Beek files for divorce because apparently he doesn't want to wait, for his life to be over Vatican condemns Twilight as "morally deviant". Because only sickos would even think about drinking human blood Politics: Liberal college students arrested for protesting against liberal colleges for raising tuition due to liberal policies. Oh the humanities Palin quits signing books halfway through event. Methinks we see a pattern here  Fili-busted Music:  Drummer for the Kings of Leon gets married. His wife can look forward to two good years, but then it will go downhill from there Moby suffers from insomnia. I'm sure if he listened to any of his albums the problem would fix itself Man who "attacked" Oasis lead "guitarist" Noel Gallagher pleads guilty to assault. Judge will probably let him off, though, as really, it's hard to punish someone for living the dream Business: The Postal Service reports $3.8 billion loss, as their revenue has fallen from such great heights AOL to cut a third of its staff. You've got fail Obama's stimulus package was small, soft and came too soon. Nation craves a bigger, longer, thicker, uncut package
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From Unfreakable:Normally Drew likes to kick off every week with some media commentary and our usual Fark Betting Line on the stories we expect to see coming up. But now that we're halfway through November, we're getting to work on Fark's annual Headline of the Year contest. We're going to gather up all of the winners from our Headline of the Week collections and supplement them with some of your nominations. Some of your favorite headlines might not have made it to the top of the Headline of the Week voting for the particular week it came in, so if you have a favorite, we're going to have a separate Headline of the Year nomination thread with voting enabled later this afternoon and another one again this Friday, just to make sure we haven't missed any good ones in addition to our own favorites. For those of you who are newer and might have missed our Headline of the Year contests in previous years, here were the final voting threads for: Headline of the Year: 2006Headline of the Year: 2007Headline of the Year: 2008And it's not too late to get one of your own headlines in the running for November or December, although we'll probably be wrapping up the contest earlier in December this year rather than wait until the end the month when most people are away and traveling. If you have any questions about it or want to help, shoot me an email. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-11-08 to Sat 2009-11-14: Two decades after the Berlin Wall came down, many in the once divided city no longer even remember where it stood. Hey Germany, that's why we use slogans here in the States. 9-11-2000, Never Forget Landslide in India kills 42 and demolishes hundreds of homes. To top it all off, they're going to need a new deli Possible hostage situation in Jefferson City, MO government building. Information is sparse, but witnesses say police are moving on up British MPs preparing to beat off invading horde of Olympic hookers, which seems backward to submitter  Unknown substance found on NJ Transit train. Probably cleanser Using only a cell phone and a pelican, man turns his $2 million Bugatti into a submarine Ohio couple married 61 years and died one day apart. There is no escape. Did you hear me? NO ESCAPE Sing us a song of your piano scam, sing us a song tonight. Well we're all in the mood for some forgery, and you took our money all right U.S. reports largest mumps outbreak in three years. Think of it like a swine flu outbreak, but serious Cops who found magic mushroom grow house give up on counting them all, say it would be easier if the mushrooms would hold still and stop singing Last signed autograph of John F. Kennedy sells for a sum that could blow your mind Sports: Victor Zambrano's mother kidnapped in Venezuela. Jim Duquette on the phone now trying to trade her for Scott Kazmir's mother Red Sox sign Tim Wakefield to two more years, subject to league approval of his using a walker to get to the pitcher's mound ♪ Turn Thabeet around ♪ Let's check for concussion ♪ Geek: Picky consumers first wanted organic vegetables, now they want the ones with the smallest "environmental footprint." In related news, some kid named Mobotu in Zimbabwe has offered to eat your carrot peelings if that's okay Michigan mathematician ends up in winner's circle, but finds it pointless West African giraffes make surprising comeback; now face Lions in division play-offs Showbiz: Blockbuster's getting back in the game with a kiosk that sells DRM'd movies on an SD card that requires a special box to....hey wait, where are you going? Wynonna Judd says Taylor Swift should not have won any CMAs. Judd then returned to eating her fries, only to be scolded by her shift manager for stealing food Brad Pitt takes wine-making classes, will inevitably be expelled for yelling "WHAT'S IN THE WINE BOX? WHAT'S IN THE WINE BOX? WHAT'S IN THE FARKING WINE BOX?" Politics: Arbitrator rejects case against Glenn Beck parody site, agreeing with the defense's argument that only a staggering moron would believe it. Beck points to his audience, nodding furiously Obama rejects all current Afghan options, says they don't tie the room together  "Some" senior citizens are cancelling their AARP memberships in an Obamacare protest. The rest will have their membership cancelled... soon enough Music: John Mayer defends Britney Spears, saying that lip-synching is okay. Concertgoers would have complained about having seen him lip-synching, but they tend to drift off to sleep after about twenty minutes Rihanna's "Umbrella" voted the best song of the decade by the Institute of People Who Don't Really Listen to a Lot of Music Pope to release Christmas album, meaning Lady Gaga now has the second weirdest wardrobe in music Business: The only underground mushroom farm in the U.S. to lay off 260 workers. shiatake happens Electronic Arts laying off 1,500 people. Imagine all the sequels we'll be missing out on now Comcast requires their customer service agents to undergo an eleven-week training course where they learn useful skills like empathy, understanding, and resolution. And yet none of this shows on a single call
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With Thanksgiving still two and a half weeks away, it's too early to run the usual "don't forget to cook your turkey thoroughly" and "OMG the airports are really full" stories, so expect a bit more about the cost of holiday airfare, how some families are skipping flying this year because of the costs, and some marginal early Christmas stuff, like the must-have toys. Also, it's never too early to start the "Top 10 (whatever) of 2009" retrospectives, so expect those to start trickling in this week. Otherwise it'll be a lot more coverage of the senate dry-humping the hell out of the health care bill and some more swine flu stories. The swine flu stories will really ramp up as soon as someone famous gets hospitalized for it. It seems callous to guess who that will be, but the odds-on favorite would be somebody who used to be in the news a lot but isn't anymore and doesn't have anything on their plate at the moment, job-wise. Which means it could be damn near anybody. With a new week, we have a fresh batch for the Fark Betting Line on probable news stories coming your way soon. As always, feel free to add any of your own in the thread if you have any that were missed: Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-11-01 to Sat 2009-11-06: Cyclists have a lot riding on L.A. driver's trial, claim spokes people 20-foot geyser gushes in the San Fernando Valley, or as some there call it, talent Wife found guilty of attacking her husband with a wooden pestle. He was mortarlly wounded Kissing boosts a women's immune system. Her dirty little skank immune system Gay groups vow to reach around Maine defeat and plow forward with new strategies Driver for brown fails to deliver the green, is now blue after getting the pink Obama pledges to improve treatment of indian tribes. Native Americans have heard this kind of blanket statement before First member of Texas polygamist sect tried and convicted of statutory rape. Sentencing has been delayed as the court tries to come up with a worse punishment than having nine wives Teen set on fire gets an apology, though a few blasts from a fire extinguisher would have been appreciated as well Three doctors and a nurse arrested in Mexico City for selling babies after telling mothers their babies had died. So much for kid pro quo  Cop who took down Ft. Hood shooter ran INTO the line of fire, huge brass balls clanking the whole way Sports: It took almost 150 years for a Southerner named Lee to beat the Yankees; now it's happened twice in one week Jimmy Rollins still insists the Phillies are the better team. By the way Jimmy, you can take the A, C, E,1, 2, or 3 subway trains from NYC's Penn Station to the World Series parade in lower Manhattan tomorrow Joe Girardi rescues a woman from a car wreck while on his way home from the Series clincher; needs 38 more postseason saves to tie Rivera Geek: Another inane and stupid study found that negative thinking improves memory. What a load of crap. IIRC, Mecklenbräuker and Hager published the same garbage in the Journal of Psychological Research, Volume 46, Number 4, December 1st 1984 Claude Lévi-Strauss is dead. We'll miss his genes Windows 7 is significantly more resistant to viruses and WOULD YOU LIKE BIGGER PENIS??? YOUR BULGING MANTOOL WILL CAUSE HER SCREAM Showbiz: Edward Norton "phenomenal" after finishing the New York City marathon in three hours and 48 minutes. In related news, Brad Pitt finished the marathon in the same amount of time Kirstie Alley is set to star in reality series about her efforts to lose weight. Tentative title: The Kobayashi Shamu Founder of San Diego Comic-Con, Sheldon Dorf, dies at 76. Rumored to return next summer in issue #77 Politics: Republican Chris Christie wins New Jersey. Wow, what a crappy prize Abbas threatens to quit Palestinian elections. Mamma Mia, here we go again Cliff Clavin slams health care bill as "socialism." Adds, "Did you know, the word socialism derives from the French word "socialisme," which was first attributed to the philosopher Pierre Leroux..." Music: Ashlee Simpson gives up music. Our long national nightmare is over Bruce Springsteen pens autobiography. Chapter 1: "One time, I uh, my dad and I, uh, we didn't, uh, get along so much, and uh, we uh, well, I used to go down to the reservoir, and uh, my old man, uh...HUH ONE TWO THREE FAWWW" As a Christmas present for their fans, Pet Shop Boys are releasing an EP featuring covers of Madness and Coldplay. What have we done to deserve this? Business: Tool company Stanley buys Black & Decker, plans to hammer out more profit, but will ultimately just end up screwing customers Buffett, who already owns an electric company, will buy Burlington Northern Railroad. Next up: Water Works Kellogg pulls immunity claims from Rice Krispies. Oh, snap
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For some reason, November brings out the weird more than any other month. Even on Fark, we notice an uptick in truly weird stories. Maybe it's Seasonal Weird Disorder, or perhaps Halloween candy has a latent hallucinogenic effect. More likely it's just a slow news month. There will be a bit of analysis on the presidential election from last year, and the 30-year anniversary of the Iranian hostage crisis is this week, so expect a bit of retrospective, but otherwise there's probably not as much to report on, so there's more filler. The holy trinity will be 1) The Holidays, 2) Bacon Lung, and 3) The Economy. So expect stories on How to Deal with your Asshole Relatives, How to Not Get Swine Flu from your Asshole Relatives During the Holidays, and How to Politely Decline when your Asshole Relatives are Laid Off and Need to Crash With You. Now that Halloween is over and they're feeding the leftover pumpkins to zoo animals, the horror movies are out, and the rush of family-friendly movies is on. This year will feature the classic story of the Family Who Hates Each Other but Eventually Gets Along. Here is the Fark Betting Line on some other stories we expect to see this week, and the odds of each. Feel free to add your own to the thread: - First of the radio stations switches to an all-Christmas-Music format -- in November (12:1) - News stations break into local coverage to remind you that flying is expensive and to buy your flight tickets as early as possible (3:1) - News stations break into broken-into local coverage to breathlessly inform you that there's an airline fare war going on (17:1) - "Fare war" is actually just a publicity stunt from jacked-up ticket prices the week before the fare war (2:1) - "Does flying actually increase your odds of catching swine flu? Stay tuned" (3:2) - Zany radio station zoo crew disposes of leftover Halloween pumpkins in the most entertaining way possible (5:1) - Disposal method includes either explosives or catapult (7:1) - Or both (28:1) - First sighting of the business financial analyst who pulls a number out of his ass that swine flu absences will cause American businesses to lose $193.47 bullshillion dollars (5:1) - First fistfight between helicopter parents during a line-up for swine flu vaccinations (4:1) - First theft of swine flu vaccines (59:1) - Iran takes a few hostages from the American Embassy "just for old times sake" (429:1) Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-10-25 to Sat 2009-10-31: Rhode Island man hits pedestrian with car, drives for one mile with man stuck in windshield. Driver charged with leaving the scene of an accident, which is odd, since technically he took it with him Bolivian animal rights activists succeed in banning circuses from using animals, but now have to figure out what to do with 22 useless lions, a problem Detroit has faced for years DC sniper to get one shot, one kill We've secretly replaced this couple's alarm clock with a Chevy Malibu. Let's see if they notice the difference Man pleads guilty to stealing $69,000 in antique coins, will be sent to £MITA prison Headline redundancy: "Windows Broken, Computers Damaged" Small plane rapidly plunges into bottom end of Virgin Islands, to be renamed Technical Virgin Islands EPA finds manganese threat at two schools. Just wait until they learn about the tentacle rape Farmer killed by grain auger. You know the drill Here is the church, and here is the steeple, have some bad weather, and it falls on the people Remote Brazilian tribe finds plane crash survivors alive, delicious Sports: Braylon Edwards hit with assault charges, though they're expected to be dropped Yankee fans believe that Jay-Z was responsible for the win last night. Clearly, this is a logical fallacy; after all, the Phillies had 99 problems, and pitching was one New Cubs owners say there are no plans for changes, pennant Geek: Chemical discovered that attracts mosquitoes to humans. Submitter was going to joke that they had named it "submitters-wifeium", but realized that they really named it "nonanal", which means the same thing Internet turns 40 years old today, starts surfing itself for the best price on a new Porsche and a young blonde mistress with huge tits British woman finally on her feet again a year after sneezing and breaking her back. If this woman ever has an orgasm we're all dead Showbiz: Corey Feldman's wife files for divorce. Corey Feldman to seek sole custody of Corey Haim Sony greenlights Men in Black 3, the most anticipated movie of 1999 Members of blind and deaf community upset that one of their own won't play Helen Keller on Broadway; authorities baffled as to how they found out Politics: Obama declares swine flu a national emergency, eyes Nobel Prize in Medicine Pakistan: We don't know where Al-Qaeda leaders are. Hillary: Huh? what? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my bullshiat detector going off Sarah Palin: "Those who would sell their body for money...are likely to say and do anything for even more attention." Andrew Sullivan: "Hey, here's a video of you in a bathing suit competition" Music: Michael Jackson on target for a sixth No. 1 album. Needless to say, he's speechless John Mayer tried to smuggle a small pocketknife onto a plane; airport security confiscated it, fearing that someone would try and kill Mayer with it Why Barry Manilow likes gardening: "It allows me to be quiet." I think that's a hobby that we could all support, Barry Business: After realizing he won't be allowed to burn the company down and collect the insurance money, Carl Icahn resigns from the board of Yahoo Dodd: We're imposing new rules on credit cards. CC Companies: Then we'll jack up interest rates before the rules go into effect. Dodd: Then I'll freeze card rates, you c*ck JoltColatoshutdownoperations
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Halloween week is upon us, so be on the lookout for the usual outrage commentaries about how kids costumes nowadays are too slutty, then articles on where to x-ray candy, followed up the day after Halloween by articles on how poisoned candy is mostly just an urban legend. Man your newsflash stations: THE UNITED STATES IS FACING AN EPIDEMIC OF SWINE FLU...stories. Just like how every time you masturbate God kills a kitten, every time time MSM runs another swine flu story, they lose just a little more credibility. Hasn't everyone had swine flu already? I caught it last April. Don't worry, for the next few weeks you'll get to hear which sports and entertainment celebrities have swine flu, which were reported to have swine flu but actually didn't, and probably some more death rumors tied to those. If there's one celebrity that you hate with the heat of a thousand suns, don't worry, that celebrity will remain healthy as a bull. Next week's story today: Can Thanksgiving turkeys give you swine flu? I'm just guessing, based on the fact that there were a ton of articles on "Can Thanksgiving turkeys give you bird flu?!" a few years ago. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-10-18 to Sat 2009-10-24: As more cyclists hit the road, more cyclists hit the road LHC gears up to test the theory that it greenlights stories about itself from the past 288 people killed by mudslides in the Benguet province. Officials say that it's two gross Balloon boy family feels 'Under Siege'. Sheriff's department is now Out For Justice as this story proves Hard To Kill. Is this family Above The Law, or will an Executive Decision leave them Marked For Death? Steve Irwin's $40 million zoo to open in Las Vegas. I'm sure that it will be a ray of sunshine for everyone Out in the West Texas town of El Paso / They have the country's most hideous guys / Obese and ugly and uneducated / Just to get farked they must wear a disguise Utah's four-day workweek has saved taxpayers millions and given the average state employee more time to spend with his spouses Gas blowing out exit brings 69 to a complete halt Two agencies, both alike in purpose / In fair Verona, where we lay our scene, / From stillness move to probe an accident / Where falling flooring makes the ground unclean Man acquitted of 1990 rape, murder. That means the real killer's still out there somewhere Balloon Boy's mom admitted to police the whole saga was a hoax. WHAT? A HOAX? REALLY? Sports: Denver improves to 6-0, although they have yet to play a good team, as evinced by the fact that every team they have played has lost to the Broncos Ahman Green signs contract with the Green Bay Packers, immediately drops it Trojans stick it to Beavers Geek: Scientists discover how Lotus stays dry. Surprisingly, answer is not "Because they're always in the shop" Twitter's co-founder, Evan Williams, talks exclusively to the Daily Telegraph about the future of search and plans for improving the micro-b (0) Pilot project is trying to determine if chewing gum will ease swallowing problems among people with Parkinson's disease. I'll pause while that sinks in for a minute Showbiz: CBS to produce two shows from Samuel L. Jackson's TV company. You know the shows on TV? You ARE aware that there's an invention called television, and on this invention, they show shows, right? Joss Whedon to direct an episode of "Glee". In other news, "Glee" will be promptly moved to Friday night and cancelled Hulk Hogan floored by divorce, steel chair Politics: Men who voted for McCain saw immediate drops in testosterone levels after election results announced. Men who voted for Obama didn't have any to lose, stayed the same Twenty years ago, communism fell across the globe, surviving today only in Cuba, China and Berkeley US warns of 'slow, painful' intercourse with Myanmar, suggests that Burma shave Music: Next demographic to be exploited: Parents who grew up worshipping hair metal. "Lullaby Renditions of Guns & Roses" is out, in case you always wanted your kids to fall asleep to a song about heroin and prostitutes Evanescence plans on playing a secret show in New York next month. The news has been greeted warmly by their legion of fan Man tries to hijack Paul Simon's tour bus. This wouldn't have happened if Paul had a bodyguard Business: On 3/11/09, a trader made a $1.7 million bet that shares of Bear Stearns would lose more than half their value in less than nine days. On 3/17/09, the options paid $270 million. And yes, SEC about as effective as Sgt. Schultz overseeing Hogan The luxury market, once in free-fall, is still declining, just not as steeply as some analysts earlier expected. In other words, people are still buying ivory back scratchers, just not as many Giant crane has swan song in St. Louis before trip to Kansas City. It will have to duck, but has no egrets
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Sorry for the lack of recaps this week, I've been balloon-watching. In the meantime, here are some of our favorite headlines from last week. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-10-11 to Sat 2009-10-17: The idea that a crematorium is opening next door really burns up this 74 year-old woman. Or at least it will soon enough Mathematicians are giving sex advice now. How hard could that be? Subtract clothes, divide legs, add penis, multiply Man shoots his fiancée one day before the wedding. Whew. That was close Naked bicycle-riding suspect arrested. Bike taken as evidence, but may be tainted Transylvania County NC expecting 2, 3, 4 inches of flooding rains today. Ah Ah Ah 46-year-old English man acquires Tourette's Syndrome, baffling doctors who simply assumed he was Scottish Woman left with ten-minute memory wins £4.46m claim, offered to greenlight articles on Fark Brothel offers discounts for 'green' customers who pedal to the door. "Schwinn" Shots fired into Burger King drive-through window. Police on lookout for redheaded man dressed in yellow, possibly accompanied by large purple bell-shaped creature Nebraska meatpacker recalls 33,000 pounds of beef tongue. Fondly Citing energizing precedent of Barack Obama, Vatican watchers suspect Catholic Church will select black Pope to replace 82-year-old Benedict. Obama expected to decline offer Sports: British teenager calls for arm-wrestling to become an Olympic sport, possibly to distract people from the real reason one of his arms is much more developed than the other Deer tackles 7-year-old playing football, is immediately signed by Raiders to a two-year contract Bills team so embarrassing that Thurman Thomas statue flees to Canada, forgets helmet Geek: Scientists discover first vegetarian spider, easily identified as the one shunned by other spiders and getting picked on by ants BBC survey finds that New Zealanders have one of the most socially attractive accents, which just makes it more of a shame that it's wasted on a bunch of sheep Hospital error causes 206 radiation overdoses. No word yet on emerging superpowers Showbiz: "Amy Winehouse admitted to hospital." Submitter's glad he assigned that headline an F key to save time Whitney Houston to hit the road, crackpipe Toni Braxton may lose her home because she unpaid her mortgage Politics:  Watch out Crist, Meek may inherit Florida It's starting to look like Texas Governor Rick Perry knowingly signed off on executing an innocent man, and is now trying to obstruct an investigation. Hopefully he'll cheat on his wife soon so the media will finally take notice YA RLY have to respect Judge Clay Land for telling ORLY Taitz there's NO WAI she can file frivolous lawsuits without being fined $20,000 Music: I'm happy for you, Kanye, and I'ma let you finish, but the Beatles had one of the greatest spiritual journeys to India of ALL TIME You could now clone Elvis Presley, a clump of his hair is up for sale. As an added bonus, it's from 1958, so it won't smell like peanut butter and barbiturates Hark, the wheezing geezer sings: Bob Dylan releases Christmas Album Business: Lufthansa to reintroduce internet service on its jets, allowing passengers to biatch about the latest Fark redesign while plunging to the earth from 20,000 feet First woman wins Nobel prize for economics. So it looks like all those home ec. classes paid off AT&T to raise landline prices. In other news, Maxell to raise cassette tape prices
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A lot of times before we get to the Headline of the Week, we do a little writeup on media trends, but this week we have a happy milestone to announce. Today, our most prolific submitter--you know him as 40below--passed 10,000 greenlights. Congratulations, sir, you've accomplished a feat that is difficult to imagine even among the regular submitters. Considering that his account was created back in February 2004, that means he's averaged about 5.5 greenlights a day, every day since he joined. You may use your own adjectives for that, but I'm going to pick impressive. While the importance of the Fark community cannot be downplayed, the submitters are often overlooked unless they come into a popular thread and take the occasional well-deserved bow. It's easy to recognize the popular posters because they're so visible, but the submitters provide so much of the entertainment value here. They're the ones that not only find fresh oddball and weird news stories, but then go the extra mile by crafting the headlines that have made nearly everybody here laugh at inappropriate times in the office, occasionally during meetings, and have made us all spit out our beverage of choice onto our keyboards. Everybody who contributes to Fark in some small way makes this place better. And today, I want to give a nod to somebody who has helped make Fark into something special. Thank you, 40below. Good work. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-10-04 to Sat 2009-10-10: New eye-examiner had internship in Alaska; may be an optical Aleutian Cookbook for cancer patients: "We were hoping for tumor chapters, but the publisher said there could only benign" 300 U.S. children are burned each day. Well done parents Helen Keller to be honored with a statue on Capitol Hill. Guess hiding from the Nazis all those years finally paid off  Barack Obama linked to terrorist Yasser Arafat Man finally wins his battle to have the "refrigerator from hell" replaced. In related news, the triumphal return of Gozer has been postponed indefinitely Trio of burglars steals $100K in perfume. Authorities encourage citizens to report any information through the appropriate Chanels Golfer loses arm after being attacked by alligator. No word on what his handicap is now United Nations plane crash leaves 11 dead, food for the whole village This Sunday, the Pope will canonize five new saints, including one from Hawaii. Wait, what? After only eight months in office? Convicted sex offender sues state, claiming his arrest for attending a church with a daycare restricts his First Amendment rights, dating opportunities Sports: One legged fighter becomes the first disabled competitor to win an MMA bout, receiving a leaning ovation from the crowd St. Louis Blues investigating escalator that injured thirteen, left a dozen stranded for hours College bands reprimanded for playing at "inappropriate times" during football game, presumably 7/16 or 9/23 Geek: Children as young as five found to be using the Internet without parental supervision. All of a sudden the Politics tab makes sense Blackbirds found to have better understanding of physics than chimpanzees, liberal arts majors U.S. develops plan to control massive wild horse population in western states. We won't get into the details, but hope you enjoy your next My Little McPony Happy Meal Showbiz: "Zombieland" takes the box office Friday, proving people really do love brainless entertainment Jude Law's "Hamlet" falls somewhere between "to see" and "not to see" The Godfather and its sequels are the classic films Britons are the most likely to claim to have seen without actually watching the movies. Except for Godfather 3, nobody would ever admit to watching that Politics: Obamas share quiet dinner to celebrate wedding anniversary, last time anyone accepted one of Barack's proposals Obama will donate his $1.4 million in Nobel Prize money to charity, the Foundation for Rubbing it in Bill and Hillary Clinton's Smug Faces Hillary Clinton settles dispute between Turkey and Armenia. If only there was some prize she could win to show how she's making peace in the world Music: U2 'desperate' to have their own video game reflective of the band but say they can't find a developer able to design a game that is equal parts pompous and suck and that drags on for hours without actually getting anywhere Jethro Tull shows what happens if you mix the drugs of Burning Man, Bill The Butcher's kid brother and an unreleased dance number from The Lord of the Rings Jay-Z credits Wham as an early influence. Is there no end to Andrew Ridgeley's reign of terror? Business: Dutch start Europe's first camel dairy, proving once again that there's no idea so dumb that the Dutch won't try it first Headline: "Verizon to sell 2 Google phones this year". Why all the optimism, Verizon? Starbucks sues former executive who moved to Dunkin' Donuts. Legal experts say plaintiff has grounds
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Now that we're in October, expect a plethora of stories about swine flu, regular flu, some new flu strain that they're just discovering too late, flu shots, inhalers, autism, shot effectiveness, shot ineffectiveness and about a hundred other angles that the media will find. The MSM Panic Patrol has its antennae up right now waiting to unleash a barrage of stories on it, and by the end of the month and through November, expect them to be at full pants-shiatting Defcon 1. You can expect lots of good information, which will naturally be buried under an avalanche of talking-head hypothesizing, complete with state-by-state Swine Flu Death Counts. On the upside, sooner or later someone will talk about The Stand by Stephen King. So there's that. If you want to get on television during this period, make sure to wear a surgical mask in public. The public will be wearing them sooner or later, anyway, so you might as well get a bit of face-time. Or half-face-time, as the case may be. For some real fun this flu season, wait until the media is at the full bed-wetting mania stage, and then get a cup of tap water, sneak up behind a co-worker and flick some of the water off your fingers onto their neck while pretending to sneeze. Just kidding, don't do that because then they will kill. you. dead. This week's Fark Betting Line has the swine flu in the top spot, with a few other likely (and some unlikely, but possible) stories sprinkled in for good measure. As always, feel free to add your own upcoming stories with the appropriate odds: - Swine flu information stories begin flooding in, mostly talking about preparations, precautions, and a few hypothetical mass-closure situations (2:1)- Stories include dread-inducing comment by anonymous CDC official (6:1)- Stories mention body bags (12:1)
- Dumb criminal of the year award nominee story comes out of Florida (3:1)
- Wheel of Ridiculous Sports Injuries lands on...Boston (23:1)
- Alcohol + Darwin award (3:1)
- Conspiracy theorists tie to swine flu to:
- the Government (2:1)
- Sammy B'laden and the Alley Qaedas (3:1)
- Iran (6:1)
- Madagascar (29:1)
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-09-27 to Sat 2009-10-03: 121 children hospitalized with lead poisoning in China live near battery plant. Doctors report half positive, half negative, one discharged Turks mourn loss of Ottoman, put their feet down and consider pulling the coffee table closer Hawking says asteroids are biggest threat. Everybody scoot The U.S. Navy is considering letting women serve on submarines. Presumably sandwiches Having never been to Fark, the EPA had no idea aging caulk in schools was a problem  While people routinely get screwed during their divorce, rarely is the rogering so complete that the judge feels compelled to masturbate during the proceedings UN declares the Tango part of the Cultural Heritage of Humanity. However, the Lambada is still FORBIDDEN The recession is taking a bigger toll on singles, mainly because married couples are already used to despair, hopelessness, and throwing all their money down a snotty, crying drain Masturbation epidemic explodes all over Syria Fruit truck overturns in New Jersey. Traffic jams Man arrested for masturbating in Bed, Bath and Beyond parking lot, charged with indecent exposure, taking store name too seriously Sports: Washington bails out Detroit once again Former Yankee Chuck Knoblauch charged with throwing punch at wife. If she'd have been closer to first base, she'd have never been hit The mysterious white powder that the Washington Redskins have been staying away from.....turned out to be the goal line Geek: Australian scientists discover 850 previously unknown species living in subterranean caves and micro-caverns, most of which are blind, pale and play World of Warcraft for up to 20 hours/day Stephen Hawking steps down as Lucasian professor at Cambridge, sort of Scientists create hydrogen and batteries from pee. Urine charge now Showbiz: To honor her brother, Janet Jackson will wear black for a year. If she really wanted to honor him, she would slowly fade it to white Wendy Williams gets a talk show. First guest will reportedly drive a school bus through a wall of TVs while she rides on top Ramones biopic possibly on the way. The movie will be badly lit, badly edited, plot will barely hold together and dialogues will seem written by a 12-year-old, yet it will somehow hold together brilliantly Politics: Sarah Palin's memoir "Going Rogue" out November 17th, hopefully followed by the sequel "Going Away" Hillary Clinton thrilled to be president of the UN Security Council, says she may blow an intern just for the hell of it Glenn Beck has identified the cause of all that is wrong with America: The fact that the US Mint has stopped putting "In God We Trust" on our money. Sure, it's a complete falsehood, but the crazy boat ain't gonna sail itself Music: Lucy in the sky has died, man Fred Durst's wife leaves him after finally listening to a Limp Bizkit album Lady Gaga pulls out of Kanye West, tour Business: Civil servants found to miss more work, do less work than any other employee whose status is not 'clinically dead' State Farm ranks West Virginians as most likely to hit a deer, cousin Canada's stalled economy 'a shocker', Two with a "Pink Slip", One on the Brink
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I just missed one of the more curious seasonal articles of the year. Usually I'm more on top of things but I've been getting some rapid-fire travel in. Heather's pregnancy was a little complicated but I'll spare everyone the details - the short version is it all worked out with no significant complications. Unfortunately that means that I haven't had time to keep up on current Fark events, such as who the latest Florida teacher to be arrested for having sex with a student is, the latest naked guy to rob a bank, etc. Friends will ask me about stories when we're out for beers, but lately I've had to tell them I haven't seen them either. So last week, I missed one of my favorite Seasonal Article repeats of the entire year. For those unfamiliar with the article type, Seasonal Articles are articles that get repeated every year. Such as the article about how much productivity is lost during the Super Bowl, Hey There'll Be Traffic on Memorial Day/4th of July/Labor Day/Thanksgiving, the annual Where To X-Ray Your Halloween Candy with the debunking of the urban legend about poisoned candy, etc. They're lame and media trots them out every year at the exact same time as if we've never heard of these things before. Most of the Seasonal Articles rotate around holidays. There are a few that don't though, such as the flu sequence of articles. It goes something like this - Here's Where to Get Flu Vaccine, Get It or You'll Die - Oh My God We're Running Out of Flu Vaccine - Oh My God The Flu Vaccine is for the Wrong Flu Variant - Oh My God There's a New Strain of Flu That Will Surely Kill Us All - Celebrity Non-Scientist Claims Flu Vaccine Causes Autism (Paragraph Five: But There's No Evidence) And so on. For the most part, MSM knows they're running the same articles at the same times of the year. It's no secret to them. However, around the time I was doing research for my last book, I discovered one that no one realizes is a Seasonal Article. For all I know it could be one hell of a coincidence, but it does appear every year at exactly the same time: - Saturday Night Live's New Season Sucks, But It Was Good 10 years ago. I can't figure this one out. For whatever reason, MSM hates SNL's first show of the season. They can't wait to bash it into the ground. Maybe it does really suck, I quit watching SNL years ago because it's easier to just wait until they do one good sketch and then catch it on Youtube/Hulu. But to me the really strange part of this seasonal article is the claim that it was better 10 years ago. Because I first remember seeing this seasonal article when I was back in High School. It said exactly the same thing, SNL is past its prime, it sucks today, it was great 10 years ago. I remember being really disappointed, man I'd missed the great golden age of comedy. 10 years later I was out of college (and therefore reading for fun again, something that stops when you're in college) and came across the same article. This season of SNL is terrible, 10 years ago it was great. Wait a second, 10 years ago they said it was terrible. Obviously it wasn't the same people writing the review, but it was essentially the same article. You could copy and paste the thing, change the names of the cast members and hosts, and voila, done for another year. I think probably what's going on here is that it's the SNL highlight shows that are hilarious and awesome. Every SNL episode has one or two (or zero) really funny skits that end up on the Best Of reel, and those Best Of shows are what reviewers are talking about when they say that SNL was great 10 years ago. So to fans and non-fans alike, I say don't worry about whether or not this season is any good, the Best Of reel will be great and 10 years from now when several of the stars have gone on to make terrible movies and one or two of them have gone on to make the rare actually funny movie, we'll all think the entire season 10 years ago was pure awesome. But today, it sucks. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-09-20 to Sat 2009-09-26: Small group of Calvinists fight to stop their church from being closed. Last seen barricaded in the building armed with transmogrifier guns and a stuffed tiger 80-ton wave generator works briefly as advertised when it falls into the ocean Woman reports own son to police for rolling a joint with a page from a bible. Holy Smokes Four punks try to rob 88-year-old WWII vet, accidentally open a very large can of Acute Failure of the Victim Selection Process  Census worker found hung, with the word "fed" scrawled into his chest. Hey, at least we know he ate before he died At least nine out of 10 Americans have had premarital sex. So that means for every virgin, someone is having a three-way Sheriff of Nottingham uses taxpayers' money to visit US. If only there was a folk hero who would stand up for the common man in situations like this Dispute over donkey leads to knifing, proving once again that you always have to watch your ass Kissimmee considering changing its name to Owitsstingingmee "Vehicle crashes into house, disappears." Pentagon unavailable for comment Fake psychologist charged with freud Sports:  Elementary school kids run through blocking and tackling drills with the Detroit Lions. Advice and encouragement were given, as well as physical fitness pointers. Hopefully the Lions learned something TO admits that he wants to become an actor. He could start by not looking so surprised when a perfectly thrown, sure TD pass goes right through his hands Tebow injured and taken to the hospital by ambulance, expected to rise again in three days Geek: 35 million worldwide living with dementia, posting in Fark Politics tab Linus Torvalds, creator of the Linux kernel, says the OS has become "bloated and huge". Much like your average Linux user Incredibly, Bing has increased Microsoft's search share by a whopping 0.4 percent. Google it if you don't believe me Showbiz: Kevin Federline, who earned a shred of fame as the remora to Britney Spears' whale shark, has signed on to VH1's Celebrity Fit Club. And there it is folks, proof that our culture has hit bottom ♫ All the leaves are brown ♫ And the sky is gray ♫ So I'll sleep with my daughter ♫ Every single daaaaaaaaay ♫ Capitalism has failed, says Michael Moore, whose new movie will be available free of charge to all the workers of the world Politics: Senator Robert Byrd is in the hospital. Subby hopes he's okkkay Meg Whitman, former eBay CEO, announces run for Governor of California. Expects to lead early, but get sniped five seconds before the polls close Ted Kennedy's recently appointed replacement says joining Senate is "sobering" experience. So he's already abandoning the Kennedy legacy Music: Jay-Z shows Bobby Brown how it's done; he's beaten Whitney Houston two straight weeks in a row Sex Pistols' Glen Matlock is going on a solo tour. Expect your grandparents to get excited and demand tickets, and then come home upset because they completely misunderstood Morrissey recruits fellow vegan and woman Chrissie Hynde to help him with a new album of rarities, B-sides, and live tracks Business: Custom Iacocca edition mustangs sells for $90k. DeLorean edition will have extra wide mirrors and a street value of $500k Sara Lee may sell off its line of body care products (i.e. shampoo) in order to focus on its line of body neglect products (i.e. Jimmy Dean sausages) More and more engaged couples signing pre-nups to protect assets amassed during their single days, like chipped Billy bookcases, mismatched sets of Corningware and complete sets of Star Wars figurines
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