Normally this time of year is reserved for all manner of not-news, but the Haiti disaster is giving the media a real chance to show what they can do, and they've been stepping up to the plate. Well done, news organizations. The tragedy there is staggering, and is a good reminder for everybody of how bad the Haitians have had it, and for how long. Aid is still slow coming, but not because people aren't trying, it's just that the devastation is so massive. We've run two stories in the last week, one from Snopes differentiating between legit aid organizations and scammers, and another one earlier today on Architecture for Humanity who is providing relief housing with a simple and inexpensive housing conversion kit for shipping containers which is extraordinarily cool. Not much more to say, although we're extending the odds on the Fark Betting Line this week -- with the situation in Haiti, there's much less free space for filler. And that's a good thing. - Discussion ad-nauseum about the cost of Super Bowl ads this year (3:1) - News organizations set Haiti aside to remind us how to host a kickass Super Bowl party on a budget (6:1) - Naked suspect tasered by police (9:1) - In the genitals (29:1) - Major U.S. municipality declares bankruptcy (37:1) - Democrats: "Look at how much Obama has accomplished in one year" (1:1) - Republicans: "Obama has done absolutely nothing in one year" (1:1) - California says goodbye to wildfire season, hello to mudslide season (4:1) - With shaky helicopter-cam footage of house sliding off an embankment (5:1) - Endless Conan O'Brien speculation about where he's going next, none of which has a shred of validity (2:1) - Apple Tablet rumors fuel Apple Tablet speculation, which generate Apple Tablet curiosity, which touch off Apple Tablet rumors (3:1) Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-01-10 to Sat 2010-01-16:  Doctors investigating the case of the girl who spontaneously bleeds for no reason at all, say it's one of the strangest things they've ever seen. Period   Man crushed by falling computer gear, will forever be in our memory  Fat butts may be healthy, says study you other brothers can't deny  Urine damages space station. In space no one can hear you stream  Orange man charged in New Jersey shooting. That certainly narrows it down to the entire state One corpse is interesting, but if you've seen two bodies behind a shopping center, it's safe to say you've seen a mall  Finally, Britain apologizes for thalidomide scandal. High five if you've got 'em Who is the man who survives Haiti earthquake after 60 hours in an elevator.....SHAFT Hundreds of Haiti Earthquake victims arrive in New Jersey. Immediately inquire as to the availability of return flights Article explains how to tell the sex of a building. Of course, if you just go in the back door they're all pretty much the same Man celebrates his 77th birthday by biking 77 miles. Wasn't as fun as the year he turned 69 Sports:  Rodgers doesn't blame lying, cheating bastard refs for the loss Sunday at Arizona  Yankees donate $500k to Haiti relief. Haiti awaiting counter-offer from Red Sox Bus throws Bill Cowher under the New York Giants Geek:  For the nerd who has everything: The Story of Math on DVD. Sure, the story's derivative, but the inverse is worse Israel finds 8000 year old abandoned house near Tel Aviv, promptly moves Jewish inhabitants in before the Palestinians can claim it Men can smell them in her box. Men can smell them in her socks. Men can smell them in her blouse. Men can smell them in her house. Men can smell girl's eggs, yes, ma'am. Men can smell them, Sam-I-Am Showbiz: RDJ opts out of Cowboys & Aliens. If only there was an established space cowboy actor who could Fillion for him  Conan O'Brien releases statement saying he will not take any lip from Leno's chin Magician David Copperfield cleared in rape investigation. Now you semen, now you don't Politics: Obama has "no intention" of sending troops to Yemen. None. Nope. Not a chance. El zippo. Zilch. Nada. Nicht. Nein. Non. Nej. Negatory. Ain't gonna happen. Translation: We're about to attack Yemen Obama admits he hasn't united the country yet. But the way his approval numbers are falling, it's only a matter of time On Thursday, Dr. Ruth will be sworn in as the city's honorary secretary of the "Department of Love and Relationships."...yeah, 'cause when you think romance, you think DC Music: Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd, New Order, Coldplay and David Bowie get their own stamps. If you lick the Rolling Stones one, you can't drive or operate heavy machinery for at least two days  Beyonce is taking a six month break from touring. Her ass, however, just won't quit Madonna gives $250,000 to Haiti relief, gets first round draft pick in upcoming Haitian orphan raffle Business:  As if you needed yet another reason not to fly delta, baggage fees being raised. Presumably so they can lose your luggage at a profit Error #32: RealNetwork CEO's career has unexpectedly timed out, unable to reinitialize  Famed conservative economist displays his mental gymnastics while explaining that America never suffered through a housing bubble or irrational investing behavior. Even the Chinese judge gives him a 10 (at 3% interest)
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Now that the New Year's buzz is gone, we're now both feet into 2010, which will definitely be better than last year because 2009 sucked. With the new year, here are the media trends to watch for over the next couple weeks: More health care crap, including the endless babbling of the talking heads, including of course the standard discussion of 1) all of the other countries that have successfully launched universal healthcare and 2) a long list of reasons why it cannot possibly work here. Same as you've been hearing for the last three, five, twelve months, but with a slightly different news scroll at the bottom of the cable feed. Otherwise, identical. Although as time goes on, the odds actually go up of Jon Stewart having enough time to thoroughly embarrass someone the way he did to Bill Kristol. Since everybody makes pointless New Year's resolutions to lose weight, expect to hear the usual buzz about diets and gyms. Also, since last week's Facebook updates on bra color briefly and ineffectually raised awareness of the campaign itself (I already forgot what it was raising awareness for), you can expect about 20-30 new and more annoying and even less effectual copycats to hit in the next couple weeks. With the new year in full swing and the Headline of the Year contest wrapped up (congratulations again to the winners and nominees), it's time to clear out the old betting slips from 2009 and kick off the first Fark Betting Line of 2010. These are the items that we expect will be in this week's news. As always, feel free to post the news story you think will be in the news this coming week and handicap it appropriately. - Obama gives the legislative branch a withering stare, clenches his jaw resolutely while the Latest Unwieldy Health Care Bill grinds forward more slowly and painfully than a kidney stone through a urethra (3:1) - Republicans note that painful urethra damage would not be covered in the current version of the bill (4:1) - Media notices that hey, gyms get kinda busy every January, then proceed to tell you how gyms work (6:1) - Morning TV shows abuzz with outlandish claims from the latest diet fad (2:1) - Doctors express concern that a surprising number of people trying out the latest dieting fad seem to be, um, sorta getting really sick (19:1) - News shows wake up from hibernation, remind us that diet food works better if we don't eat it by the wheelbarrow (5:1) - Bored with Afghanistan and Iraq, cable TV news spend inordinate amounts of time assessing the danger of Yemen (8:1) - Quick-thinking entrepreneur dovetails two interests, introduces "The Yemen Diet" to sudden fame (16:1) - Buzz dies down quickly after Americans find themselves unable to pronounce the ingredients required to participate in the Yemen Diet (9:1) - Gilbert Arenas expresses sincere remorse about his indefinite NBA vacation (38:1) - And twitters about his remorse from various nightclubs (14:1) Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-01-03 to Sat 2010-01-09: Dropped cellphone causes teen to get run over by van. No word on remaining rollover minutes Man robs shoe store with a large rock. This would never happen if more people were allowed to carry concealed paper Feminist Mary Daly died abroad today at age 81 Mumbai condom vending machines hit by burglars and vandals. Inconceivable A female cane toad can "pump herself up to mega-size" if she wants to dissuade a male from mating with her. In the human species, we call this phenomenon "marriage" "Driving Instructor Critical After Student Crashes." What did the student expect, compliments? Romanian woman didn't know that her husband hid $57,768 in some old footwear. Hilarity in shoes  Boy is let off with a warning after stabbing a teacher in the chest with a pencil. Teachers union insists that there be stricter punishment, No. 2 ways about it  Man arrested for fondling himself at a Chicago Starbucks. Frap frap frap Wild turkey blamed for power outage, most bad decisions Arab and Jewish chefs unite to cook record hummus in hopes of creating whirled peas Sports: EA Games to go ahead with new Tiger Woods game, redesigning 18 holes to look less green, more blonde  Togo's soccer team shot at with AK-47s. One killed, three injured, the rest left writhing on the ground holding their shins Pete Carroll may coach the Seahawks, a team with significantly less payroll than USC Geek: Today marks the sixth anniversary of the landing of the Spirit rover on Mars, proving that NASA cannot even get a simple 90-day mission done on time  New drug treats both brain and prostate cancers simultaneously, which is good news for your boss  Japan blubbers it needs to krill whales for research porpoises. Aussies says "cetacean needed" Showbiz: Hanes drops Charlie Sheen as spokesman, apparently nobody likes wife beaters anymore "The greatest moments on the Jay Leno show." LGN Ellen DeGeneres claims to have no problem standing up to Simon Cowell, pee Politics: President Obama announces that all airline passengers will be strapped to the wings of the plane to decrease security risks, feed gremlins The crotchbomber's visa has now been revoked, thanks to the US Department of Face Palms and Retroactive Competence Minnesota Republican tweets that Obama is a "Power Hungry Arrogant Black Man". Later apologizes because he's a stand-uppity guy Music: Jay-Z has offered to overproduce Robbie Williams' wedding George Michael rul-(♫ JITTERBUG ♫) Huh? Anyway, George Michael rules ou-(♫ JITTERBUG ♫) Stop it. George Mic-(♫ JITTERBUG ♫) I SAID, GEORGE MICHAEL RULES OUT A WHAM REUN-(♫ JITTERBUG ♫) Oh, fark it Now you can be the best dressed lumberjack on your street: Kings of Leon have launched a clothing line Business:  The cold winter has apparently not effected the orange harvest. Consumers can expect orange juice prices to fall. Where in the hell is Beeks? The last B. Dalton's is closing. Subby toasts their memory with his Orange Julius EPA proposes new smaug standards. Critics say they'll be a dragon the economy
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I first met Carrie Vaughn at a Fark party in Denver a few years ago. At the time she was an unpublished author, but her first book was getting ready to come out. She asked me if I'd like a copy, I said yes. And it was pretty freakin good. So I put up a link to her first book on Fark and told people it was good. A bunch of you bought it and agreed. Fast forward to the present day: Carrie's 7th book has just launched. Books 4, 5, and 6 all hit the NYT Bestseller list. However with this new book Carrie is switching publishers and due to "difficulties" regarding this switch, the soon-to-be-former publisher decided to drop all publicity for this latest book. Which is completely goddamn retarded in my opinion. I hate seeing a friend getting jacked around by morons, so I figured I'd do a quick post for all of you who bought one or more of her books in the past to say hey there's a new one out, check it out, you'll probably like it. It's definitely worth a look if you haven't read any of Carrie's stuff before. And that's not actually her on the cover but it looks similar enough to her that she could be on her own covers. Maybe she'll do that next series http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0446199559
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by UnfreakableAt the end of every December we like to recap some of our favorite headlines from the year and let Fark vote on their favorites. In a year where most of the news wasn't positive, it was refreshing to see that Fark's legion of submitters stepped up and made us laugh when we arguably needed it most. The following are the Top 20 headlines of 2009 as voted on by you. I've listed the quarterfinals threads after the winners if you'd like to check them out again. Here are the favorites as voted by Fark for last year: The Top Twenty Headlines of 2009:20: Small plane rapidly plunges into bottom end of Virgin Islands, to be renamed Technical Virgin Islands
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4735920
19: That foot found at a NY recycling center? Turns out it belonged to a bear. You'd think police could recognize a bearclaw when they see one
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4563717
18. India loses contact with an unmanned spacecraft conducting its first moon mission. Support techs ask Mission Control to confirm that the spacecraft is turned on and that it is currently plugged in
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4605340
17: Bolivian animal rights activists succeed in banning circuses from using animals, but now have to figure out what to do with 22 useless lions, a problem Detroit has faced for years
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4729890
16: Police in London solve 1 crime for every 1000 CCTV cameras. Or about 2 for every 1984
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4595452
15: One killed, six injured in pie factory explosion. Blast heard up to 3.14159265 miles away
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4320734
14: Man gets called into work so he can be fired, returns home to find his house on fire. Wishes he had been laid off
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4351606
13: Plane crashes in Florida panhandle, no pilot found. Well there's your problem
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4138365
12: Semi-nude Victoria's Secret fashion models reveal untold talents and you've already clicked the link, haven't you? Have I told you about my mother lately? No, she's doing fine, just making cheesecake and some muffins this morning
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4787841
11: Fire rips through homeless camp, leaving dozens...well, no worse off, really
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4299493
10: Carpenters face higher-than-average asbestos death rate, higher-than-average resurrection rate
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4247908
9: Police find severed head, will later reveal whether it's "linked to body parts found in Hertfordshire." Submitter suspects the answer may be "Not any more"
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4306764
8: Peephole in door of girl's dorm room reversed; police are looking into it
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4233284
7: Man at Panda Express eats shoots and leaves
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4332430
6: Suicide bomber strikes Iraqi funeral. At least two dead
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4284352
5: 80-ton wave generator works briefly as advertised when it falls into the ocean
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4651134
4: Baghdad's National Museum reopens six years after looting. Featured displays include mostly a bunch of really heavy stuff
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4228845
3: Fire officials in SoCal wildfires: "GTFO." Residents: "STFU." Fire: "NOM NOM NOM." Residents: "OMG." Fire department: "DIAF"
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4608857
2: Jesus prepares to receive Oral
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4856608
1: Gas blowing out exit brings 69 to a complete halt
http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4719284
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Closing out this HOW since we're wrapping up HOY
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-12-13 to Sat 2009-12-19:
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No post, submitting this to clear the week of HOW candidates
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-12-06 to Sat 2009-12-12:
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Not a lot to report on the news front this week. The entire month of December is one long winding down of actual news as everyone starts taking vacations. It will be especially pronounced this year with Christmas on a Friday. On that note, tell me what your favorite moments on Fark were this year. Favorite weird articles, discussion threads, or anything else that made you laugh out loud? Bonus points if alcohol was not a factor. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-11-29 to Sat 2009-12-05: Two dogs in Beijing diagnosed with swine flu, will be treated with soy sauce North Korea sharply revalues currency. With the new exchange rate, it will now take two wons to make a wight Cardinal says homosexuals can't enter heaven. What, not even by the back-door? Southerners have a higher risk of stroke, especially with their sister Power of Fark combines with power of attorney to touch children. Wait Image of Virgin Mary found on pancake. Experts confident it's her since it clearly wasn't defloured  Germany will finish paying World War I reparations next year, So, remember that the next time some guy named Archie Duke shoots an ostrich because he's hungry, just let it go Former Catholic Archbishop shredded sex abuse reports, anuses Butterfingered goober, being a smartie, tried to skor a hat and two Whatchamacallits from a police station. His fast break failed and he's in mounds of trouble. His airhead girlfriend also got some snickers and a time-out Dozens missing in Egypt ferry accident, family members are in De Nile BASE* jumper dies in Arizona. (Building, Antenna, oh SHIAT - ELECTRICITY) Sports: Tiger adds "tournament" to list of things he shouldn't have pulled out of, which already includes "driveway" and "mistress" Mangino steps down as Kansas football coach, registers 7.5 on Richter Scale Tebow may be able to walk on water, but he can not run on the Tide Geek: Scientists gain new insights into the experience of anger, its role in our everyday lives and the fact that I WON'T farkING GET OVER THE REDESIGN, DREW. EVER New light shed on epilepsy. Hopefully, it's not a strobe light Glacier threatens capital city of Bolivia, sparking warnings that people may one day have to walk for their lives Showbiz: BBC angrily pulls shows off air after discovering that producers passed fake scenes off as real, saying that behaviour might be acceptable in climate change research but daytime television has higher standards than that  Harlan Ellison wants to work on "Star Trek 2". Paramount suggests a red shirt and a precipice Fan gives the Jonas Brothers a dead shark as a gift. They immediately jump it Politics: New Jersey likely to legalize medical marijuana, which can help to alleviate the pain of having to live in New Jersey Imelda Marcos registers to run for Philippines congress. Observers say she is a shoe-in Japan's huge stimulus package to be unveiled next week, amid concerns it will look so small in comparison with gigantic American stimulus package Music: Allman Brothers museum opens in Georgia; Jimmy Carter timed his Orange Sunshine to peak when the doors opened Bruce Springsteen says he's "exactly where I want to be". Which is noteworthy because so few of us would want to be a multi-millionaire rock star who was still packing stadiums well into his 60's Pete Doherty's band Babyshambles will release a new album and go on tour next year. World's heroin, cocaine, and meth producers ramp up production Business: Just like a call on their network, AT&T's suit against Verizon terminates unexpectedly GE decides to focus on making products people want, will spin off NBC I've been herring that the last sardine plant in the U.S. may pack it in and are floundering over new catch restrictions. Oh Cod, say it's not true
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The annual commercial for the accounting firm that compiles the "pulled out of their ass" figures for the cost of the Twelve Days of Christmas ran today. December is the month of recycled crap news. It'll be heavier than usual this year due to the End of the Decade. Beware of Top 10 Whatever Lists of the Decade in inconvenient, pageview-generating slideshow format. Speaking of which, what are we going to call the past decade? 00s? Wikipedia claims someone suggested calling it the "naughties". The UN has apparently named it "Decade for the Promotion of a Culture of Peace and Non-Violence for the Children of the World". Which, aside from sounding like something Borat would have come up with, really doesn't sum up the past 10 years in any way shape or form. Personally I'm leaning toward "the aughts" til someone comes up with something better. I'm also noticing a lot of people calling next year "twenty oh ten". So last week we talked about how I suspected a lot of the people standing in line for Black Friday stuff were just going to resell it on eBay. I ran a check on a number of items featured in a CNN article on "Best Free Commercial for Target and Walmart"... I mean Black Friday Deals. I didn't see a noticable uptick on any of them for sale on eBay, however I also don't know if the items featured were for sale in all stores (I'm assuming so). However several thousand more Wiis are up on eBay now. Probably just coincidence. Also last week we talked about how today is Cyber Monday. It started as a hoax PR stunt, but has since morphed into a reason for online retailers to mark stuff down and attract free press. Personally I've noticed I've started writing down the names of gifts I see in brick and mortar stores so I can order them online later. I'm terrible at getting presents sent off on time, this saves me the trouble. One final reminder, our Headline of the Year contest is coming up this month. It's being coordinated by Unfreakable again, so if you have questions or want to help, he's the guy to talk to. All of the Headline of the Week winners get an automatic berth, and there were two nomination threads, one on November 16 and another on November 20. We're trying to get the final voting threads up for you all in about two weeks. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-11-22 to Sat 2009-11-28: Macy's Thanksgiving parade changes route; Charlie Brown balloon to get a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue Despite efforts to discourage them, Iraqi refugees keep flocking to Detroit, since living in a war-torn third world hellhole reminds them of home County jail inmates denied hot meals for past five weeks because of broken kettles for boiling and heating. As God is my witness, I thought turnkeys could fry Twelve Iranian couples to be stoned after deciding to give partner swapping a try, demonstrating once again how they do everything backwards over there Celebrated trial lawyer died driving unsafe and uncrashworthy SUV on negligently designed and maintained road that one or more persons had maliciously allowed to become wet in the rain. He never had a chance "Gunfight at Chicken World Leaves One Dead." Looks like someone went off half-cocked, but I think this reporter still deserves a Pullet Surprise "Godfather of Spam" sentenced to 51 months of meat in his can Lovers reportedly have sex in clock tower in broad daylight - of course that's only second hand Studies show that men who stifle their anger at work are more than twice as likely to die of a heart attack; those that don't are more than twice as likely to die of malnutrition and exposure from living in a cardboard box ♫ Grandma got pulled over by a trooper / Driving with a kid Thanksgiving Eve / You may say that jailing her's excessive / But then again, she blew point four fifteen ♫ It's curtains for two in beefeater scandal Sports: New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin had a stalker. A male stalker. A retarded male stalker. No, the stalker wasn't Eli Manning Tiger Woods' wife used a golf club to knock out the rear window of the car after last night's accident. Police said she initially had a sand wedge, but then chose a 9 iron and hooded it after testing the wind Britain makes case that 2018 soccer World Cup should be held in the U.K., pointing out that it may be the only time in their lives that British soccer fans get to see what the trophy looks like Geek: Three hajj pilgrims die of some funky cold in Medina Men suddenly claim to be more religious when they're trying to get laid, proving that there truly are no atheists in fox holes Power plant in Norway uses salt to generate electricity. The excitement that scientists are feeling is a white-NaCl ride Showbiz: Zac Efron wants to play a James Bond villain in "Dr. No Staying Out Past Your Curfew" Heidi Klum officially takes husband Seal's last name, will now be known as Heidi David Hassellhoffspitalized Politics: Chinese democracy leaders appeal to Obama. They get down on their sha na na na na na na na knees, knees Obama's accept delivery of 2009 Christmas tree. The tree came from West Virginia, so there is at least one thing born and raised in America currently in the White House IAEA sends strongly worded memo to Iran, U.S. hints at larger font sizes to come Music: Lady Gaga spent $1,000 on 80 pizzas for fans waiting for her autograph. We can only assume that there was extra sausage Kid Rock still angry he starred in a sex tape with Creed's Scott Stapp, really wishes it had been Nickelback's Chad Kroeger Guns 'N' Roses announce string of Asian concerts, proving that it only took them 16 years to reach the point where they're big in Japan Business: CEOs cashed in before Wall Street meltdown. In other news, large moon discovered orbiting Earth Koenigsegg pulls out. GM seen walking home, Saabing Vietnam raises interest rates to combat eroding confidence with its dong, plans to try Spanish fly next
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