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DON'T: Stick your hand into a running lawnmower. DO: check out Drew's writeup and some of Fark's favorite headlines for 3/28 - 4/3
Posted by Drew at 2010-04-06 12:09:14 PM (48 comments) | Permalink

We're moving into the Spring news cycle now, which means it's time for the following Not News features to rear their heads:

- OH MY GOD IT'S A THUNDERSTORM: we've already had a few here in Kentucky, but we haven't had Spring's first local media tornado freakout yet. Always happens the first time, but by June -- after the 20th time or so -- local media is considerably less enthusiastic about them.

- GAS WILL BE $100 A GALLON BY MEMORIAL DAY: saw this one go by this morning, we stuck it in the Business tab, though, because it's pretty much what we all assumed anyhow.

- Kids wearing duct tape prom dresses. Same as every year, just skip this

- Lawn Mower Safety: yes, one full month after southerners started mowing their lawns an annual report on lawn mower safety makes the rounds. It includes such gems as not sticking your hand in the mower while it's on and... actually that's the main thing. The article/press release also implies that drinking beer while mowing makes you more likely to stick your hand in a running mower. I drink a lot and I've never been that drunk.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-03-28 to Sat 2010-04-03:  Woman says she was raped at an ATM. We're all tired of all those fees  Workers injured after a three-story building being converted to a four-story building suddenly became a one-story building  Cigarettes may contain pig blood. Just what we need: the entire Middle East to go cold turkey all at once  Three legged sled dog seeks respect... and the man who killed his paw  Iranian nuclear scientist defects to the United States, has already provided valuable information on which version of Photoshop Iran is using  Acupuncture may make dentist appointments less stressful, enable patients to transcend dental medication  Pope sees sex scandal as a test, which explains all the cramming going on in the priesthood  Six-year-old twins caught smuggling cocaine in underwear. That's some first grade blow  Elton John, who has apparently never seen a single episode of Scooby Doo, announces he's going ahead with his concert in the Mayan ruins despite mysterious disasters befalling the set and outraged locals  Cops chase ambulance stolen from hospital. Personal injury lawyers confused  Kids in Easter egg hunt find dead body. Strangely, it disappeared two days later

Sports:  Golden State Warriors outscore the L.A. Clippers in the paint, which comes as no surprise to Patrick Tribett  With leading scorer Wayne Rooney (34) out 2-4 weeks with an ankle sprain, Man Utd's title hopes now rest with the club's second- and third-leading scorers, the somnambulistic Dimitar Berbatov (12) and surprising newcomer Own Goal (11)  Orioles acquire Julio Lugo. Will overpay him the league minimum

Geek:  Expert warns undersea volcano could destroy Italy 'as soon as tomorrow'. Volcano: "No, no, I lava this country"  New law would create an internet 'kill switch', so that the President could turn off the internet in case of  Japanese rape video game sparks controversy, outrage, curiosity, rape

Showbiz:  Supermodel Kate Moss is set to make her stage debut in a Shakespeare play. Inexplicably, she will not be playing the part of Hamlet's fencing sword  Michael Jackson bodyguard fired. And not a moment too soon  Christian Bale seeks US citizenship. OHHHHHH, GOOD FOR *YOU*

Politics:  Lawmakers vote to deny former Gov. Rod Blagojevich an official portrait, finally laying to rest any claims that he was being framed  Israeli lobby having a hard time getting their new dog to sit, roll over, or stop his infernal yapping  Republicans block flood insurance program extension, cutting off assistance to Northeast US flooding victims. JIM BOEHNER DOESN'T CARE ABOUT WET PEOPLE

Music:  Members of Rush are inducted into the Canadian Songwriters Hall Of Fame. Which is kind of like being named Hottest Girl at a Star Trek Convention  Jack Johnson announces details of his new albzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz  Three workers hurt in Elton John stage collapse. In related news, I'm still standing

Business:  How the iPad will change mobile business computing. Well, it'll be easier to spot the douchebags  So we finally get to see what The Fed bought from Bear Stearns in 2008. What'd we get? Crap. Crap. Crap. A tote bag. Crap. Crap. Polo shirt. Crap. And more crap  Employers added most jobs in three years in March. I guess somebody's gotta staff all those death panels
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Duke sucks, a new iPhone app for Fark, and some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 3/21 - 3/27
Posted by Drew at 2010-03-29 1:15:13 PM, edited 2010-03-29 4:07:48 PM (109 comments) | Permalink

Folks have been asking me forever about a Fark iPhone app. A few months back we realized we weren't likely to have time to work on one in-house, so we opened development up to third party folks. A couple friends of mine cranked one out called Fark Not News that I really like, mainly because there's a Fark Locator component on there that makes it easier to see where other Farkers are and where Fark parties are (all opt-in features, by the way). So if you get a chance check it out, you can see that I'm currently in Charleston, South Carolina right now.

There are a few other Farkers working on Android apps, and no doubt others that are working on iPhone apps. If you're interested in doing anything like that as well, drop me an email and I'll give you the details. Our API is kinda primitive at the moment, but it's workable.

In the news this week, the arrest of members of the Hutaree group mean that some of the earlier investigative pieces done over the last 30 years get to be dusted off and updated for 2010. They're suddenly relevant again, so you'll be hearing a lot more about them for a few weeks. The investigative pieces are usually well-researched, but it'll jump the shark the moment your local news network starts the paranoid inquiries on how to spot militia members that MAY BE LIVING NEXT TO YOU.

Hats off to West Virginia for playing well and defeating the Kentucky Wildcats. It hurt, but not as much as seeing Duke advance (yes, I know I rooted for them, but only long enough for Kentucky to knock them out of the tournament). Hopefully West Virginia will step it up against Duke, who really, really, really sucks. Just not enough to be defeated. Yet.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-03-21 to Sat 2010-03-27:  Two religious figures missing from their graves. Is it Easter already?  Skeptic extraordinaire and scientific investigator "The Amazing Randi" comes out of the closet. I'll be in debunk  German diocese probes sex abuse allegations, choir boys  "A shirtless man thrashing a large sword and armed with throwing knives gave himself up outside a lumber-supply store." This headline oozes testosterone  Old Bridge old bridge repair repairs fragment fragments, state State Police police speaker, speaking  Sixteen railway cars and whaddaya get / A runaway train and deeper in debt / St. Peter don't ya call me 'cuz no one's on board / They crashed into an Oslo fjord  Sydney residents warned to be on the lookout for the woman who has been indecently assaulting men before robbing them. Subby was a victim of this on Tuesday and Wednesday, but couldn't find her when he went back yesterday  Playboy models =36-25-36. Al qaeda models = C4-25-36  I'm not sure what the warning signs of a problem drinker are, but "tried to revive a dead possum" has got to be one of them  Psychologist invents butt bra. Hmmm. Nouveau cheek?  Grocery store customer gives kidney to cashier. Why don't people use a debit card like everyone else

Sports:  Michelle Wie signs endorsement deal with McDonalds, meals will now be really good at the beginning then make you choke at the end  Those observing him practice in advance of The Masters agree that Tiger Woods' driving is better than ever. About four months too late, I'd say  Tiger Woods pairs up with Couples. Kinky

Geek:  Smoking and dyeing your hair are linked to liver disease. So it's a case of liver dye  Bullies pick on unpopular kids, according to study by nerdy, friendless, pimpled, weird scientist with a squeaky voice and four eyes  Scientists find first ever southern tyrannosaur. Say it's distinguished by its love of NASCAR, tendency to monophthongize diphthongs

Showbiz:  Columbo to sue construction company. Behold the power of Falk  Susan Boyle eyes new house, presumably of the international pancake variety  Bono is the worst investor in America. What would you expect from a guy who can't count to four in Spanish?

Politics:  Joe Biden uses the f-word during the signing of the healthcare reform bill, which by law automatically revokes the bill and means Sarah Palin is now president  The small print: tampons fall under taxable items with ObamaCare. Republicans warned you there'd be strings attached  A coffin on your lawn isn't a "threat", it's a "prayer vigil". You know, a prayer vigil where we all get together and pray that you die

Music:  Interview with GWAR frontman, who discusses upcoming crack-a-thon concert to raise money to pay off existing crack debts and, ideally, begin new ones  KC and the Sunshine band co-founder arrested by Milwaukee police, because the way (uh-huh uh-huh) he liked it (uh-huh uh-huh), was with underaged boys  Foo Fighters' Dave Grohl was hospitalized for drinking too ROCK AND ROLL

Business:  Baby slings to be pulled from the market after consumers complain that the slings aren't even elastic enough to shoot the babies over the roof  China says Google is not God. Oh yeah? If I ask Google to find me porn, it does. Has your God ever found you porn, China?  SEC regulators criticized for watching porn on their computers while the economy was tanking. Regulators deny guilt, claim that watching people get mercilessly screwed is their job description
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Drew talks about ratcheted-up rhetoric, the NCAA tournament and some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 3/14 - 3/20. Duke sucks
Posted by Drew at 2010-03-22 2:05:56 PM (35 comments) | Permalink

With last night's health care reform bill passed by Congress and likely to be signed by the President in the next few days, you'll be hearing lots more reaction to it. Expect to hear about what deals were cut and with whom, and the inevitable question to be asked by the television media on their local broadcasts: "So...what will healthcare reform mean for you?"

One interesting question remaining is whether the rhetoric, which has been ratcheted up to 11 over the last year, can (or will) be dialed back. David Frum made an interesting point that the bombast from the likes of Limbaugh, Hannity and Beck may be great for their own ratings, but it makes it more difficult for Republican legislators to negotiate a more appealing bill for their constituents.

Everybody who follows March Madness is crying this morning over their busted brackets in the tournament. Northern Iowa and St. Mary's have become the slayers of giants in the tourney, taking down Kansas and Villanova. Even for those people without brackets to root for, it's exciting to see an underdog slay Goliath. We never get sick of it. But make no mistake: this is why we won't see a playoff anytime soon in college football. This is their nightmare scenario: a major program with huge money invested wetting the bed on national television -- to a school that the average person hadn't heard of before the tournament.

There is no major football program in the nation that feels comfortable with that risk.

Which is a shame, because while there's a much greater element of risk, it makes the entire tournament that much more compelling. This is why college basketball is more exciting; it's dynamic. Anything can happen here, which is why even non-basketball fans get excited about the tournament, while bowl games aren't particularly compelling outside of their existing fanbase. There's real drama, crushing anguish and jumping-out-of-your-seat victory. And that unpredictability is what makes it so incredible.

Oh, and before I forget: Duke sucks.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-03-14 to Sat 2010-03-20:  Comcast founder celebrates 90th birthday. Party to begin Thursday between 9 am and 5 pm; cake is free for first three months  Public to get peek at airport body scanners, and vice versa  Apple iPad orders drop sharply over the weekend, should pick up about 28 days from now  Dentist is accused of using paper clips instead of stainless steel posts inside the teeth of root canal patients. He's expected to be charged with wire fraud  Father of the year candidate gets so drunk and stoned that he leaves his baby in the oven overnight. Authorities report that the child is safe, moist, and tender  Dad leaps from a second story window and shoots his daughter's boyfriend in the groin when he sees him beating her up, guaranteeing whoever dates her in the future will always get her home before curfew  Police suspect flees biting dog  Man ends his electrician career to become a conductor  "Moms' self esteem hurt by helpful dads" says Institute For Mens' Lazy-Ass Excuses  Man sentenced to death for sorcery, apparently having failed his saving throw  Southern Iceland evacuated following eruption of random ASCII characters at Eyjafjallajökull

Sports:  Tiger Woods to return to golf at Mistress ... I mean Masters, Masters  Cubs want OK for illuminated Toyota sign at Wrigley Field. If approved, there'll be no stopping the Cubs this year  12-year old diabetic NASCAR fan needs the Power Of FARK to win Toyota's racecar design contest. Because Kyle Busch is driving, and diabetics are used to pricks

Geek:  Mind-reading technology may be just around the corner. In other news, RIAA to start suing people for songs stuck in their heads  Not satisfied with ID cards, pictures, fingerprints, retinal scans, body imagers and RF chips, the government is considering shoving something up your nose to verify your identity. All right, now they're just f*cking with us  Newly discovered planet CoRoT may or may not have water and has temperature swings from -23°C to 157°C. Back home we just call that Denver

Showbiz:  Peter Graves' life is over, over  MTV bans Lady Gaga/Beyonce video, along with every other video for the past fifteen years  Actual headline: "Leo helps Kate through split." Well, you see, when an actor and an actress love each other very, very much, he takes his passenger steamship and rams it into her iceberg

Politics:  Emergence of the "Tea Party" dismays evangelical leaders who say whipping gullible, none-too-bright fanatics into a frenzy over non-existent problems is THEIR job  Larry Flynt to write history of presidents' sex lives. Suggested titles include "From Johnson to Bush" and "There's A Reason They Called Millard 'Fillmore'"  Rep. Steve King (R-etarded) compares the current Tea Party movement with the Velvet Revolution. He should probably Czech his history

Music:  Ronnie James Dio winning cancer battle after meeting it face to face and slicing it clean in two with his broadsword  Lady Gaga has her very own protege. So, this is like a Sith thing, then  Emma Bunton, humanity at large, not ready for a Spice Girls reunion

Business:  Our "assembly-line" work mentality is harmful to our well-being. Our "assembly-line" work mentality is harmful to our well-being. Our "assembly-line" work mentality is harmful to our well-being  Hearst to flood iTunes with news aggregator apps that charge people to see other publishers' articles. I guess there's a sucker born every--hey, wait  Germany's call for austerity measures in Greece and Ireland is causing a furor in Europe, a furor that is sweeping across the continent like lightning
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Why lost productivity due to March Madness is a load of crap, and some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 3/7 - 3/13
Posted by Drew at 2010-03-15 1:34:08 PM (28 comments) | Permalink

It's still a month too early to start sending out the legions of reporters to do a breathless live feed in front of long lines at the Post Office as people file their taxes, but that doesn't mean that you won't see press releases on "little-known tax loopholes" stories that are often thinly disguised advertisements for tax preparation companies.

For the next two weeks, other sports will continue to exist, and there are a lot of important things happening, but 90% of what you'll be hearing about will be related to March Madness. The annual story about the NCAA men's basketball tournament lowering worker productivity by x% should be out today, or tomorrow at the very latest (update: never mind, it's already out).

It's total crap, and here's why: every single office worker in America has already figured out the sliding scale of their workplace. On one end is how much work to do in order to be promoted, and on the other end is how little work they need to do not to get fired. Anybody with half a brain knows how to slack off while looking busy. So yeah, people will be paying attention to the tournament, but no, it's not replacing working. It's replacing the slacking off doing other crap that people were doing while looking busy but not working.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-03-07 to Sat 2010-03-13:  Bigfoot spotted in Maine, solid brown everywhere else  Psycho killer...signs himself...out of the ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hospital, then he...runs runs runs runs, runs runs runs away  Large Hadron Collider misses again. This is not a repeat from 2011  Semi overturns and spills 45,000 pounds of batteries. Driver not charged  Teen shoots himself in the testicles. Bet he doesn't have the balls to do that again  7.2 magnitude earthquake stirs Chile  Thieves steal beloved hamster from school for children with autism. Students describe hamster as 18.375 cm long, weighs 197.901 grams, eats 10.34 grams of sunflower seeds per day, and has 15,728 hairs on its body  Female reporter says she doesn't feel like a woman when she's abroad  Math Teacher sentenced to [-C+π²+πlog(9/4),(-2+2e+8e²)/e] months ∈ (the prison population) for corruption of individual x where age(x) is less than 17  One in ten British children believe that the Queen invented the telephone. The remaining 90% think that she will, she will, rock you  Australia may lower the blood alcohol limit for motorists to .02, meaning they'd returned to the good old days when 98% of the residents were prisoners

Sports:  Hall of Famer Merlin Olsen passes away at 69. If only there were some way to send condolences to the funeral  Johnny Weir says Stars on Ice doesn't want him in the show because he's too gay. So apparently Stars on Ice is going with an all-female cast this year  Tiger and Elin show the world that a deep, abiding love of sponsorship money conquers all

Geek:  Yellowstone Park's Druid wolf pack is gone. Nobody knows who they were, or...what they were doing. But their legacy remains, hewn into the living rock...of Yellowstonehenge  Cisco just invented a new router that can download the entire Library of Congress in one second, every movie ever made in four minutes, all the porn on the internet in 69 years  Women with good genes have more sexual partners than those without, possibly because their butts look so damned good in them

Showbiz:  Chuck Norris would be 70 today if time wasn't afraid of him  Mario Lopez and his girlfriend are expecting their first child. Lopez says when he finds the guy responsible he's going to kick his ass  Woman whose picture appeared in "Couples Retreat" sues for humiliation, embarrassment, emotional distress, shame, mortification and injury to her career. Wouldn't that apply to everyone that appeared in that movie?

Politics:  The Clinton family thinking about putting their little one into a Jewish Marriage Ceremony. Bill reminded the last time he put his little one into something Jewish, it didn't turn out so good  Jesus, Crist is getting crucified by Marco Rubio in the Florida Senate Primary *and* by McColum in the Governor Primary. There's little chance of him coming back from the dead THIS time  Democrats already vying to be Senate majority leader next term to replace Harry Reid, who has combined the excitement of vanilla pudding with the legislative effectiveness of, well, vanilla pudding

Music:  The Melvins to release new album and go on tour, which is excting news for the dozens of fans still listening to grunge  Coming this June: Green Day Rock Band. Even on Expert level, you'll only need to use two of the buttons  Ray Charles musical set to open on Broadway this fall. Too bad he didn't live to see it

Business:  Citi plans to foreclose on a house unless the homeowner pays them $0.00. Where will he get that exorbitant amount of money?  Your Shopper loyalty card: a great way to get discounts, special offers, and warnings from the CDC that the food you just bought could make you vomit blood from your eyeballs  FCC launches its own broadband speed test site so you can see exactly how your ISP is humping you like a horny donkey
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Drew talks about earthquake mania, Selection Sunday, and the James Cameron Reaction Watch. Also, some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 2/28 - 3/6
Posted by Drew at 2010-03-08 1:47:15 PM (38 comments) | Permalink

Now that Kathryn Bigelow was the first woman to win an Academy Award for best director, you can expect more followup stories on 1) other women firsts, and 2) other places where women still have yet to break that barrier. Also some followup stories on the state of mind of James Cameron, who will be forced to console himself by wiping away his tears with $100 bills while lying on a bed made of $100 bills in a house constructed of bricks made out of stacks and stacks of crisp $100 bills. There was also history made with the first African-American to win an Oscar for screenwriting, but the odds-on money favorite is still the James Cameron reaction.

With major earthquakes in Haiti, Chile, Japan, and Turkey, you can bet that there will continue to be a flood of in-depth articles about devastating potential fault lines around the United States, especially if they're the same fault type as Chile. Although most of them will be stories of regional interest (Ohio will discuss the basement faults common to their region, for instance), you'll also see the same old "San Andreas fault is bound to blow any year now" stories from the last twenty years, updated with new quotes from the current Caltech spokesperson, which always boils down to, "we don't know when, but it's overdue." Random non-causal correlation, though: the biggest California earthquakes of the last hundred years have all come when Republicans have sat in the governor's chair. No idea why.

There may be a bit more discussion of Missing Hot White Chick SyndromeTM after the media noticed that of two women abducted around the same time, one got all the press while the other one was quickly forgotten. Sorry about that, less-attractive-abductee-girl.

March 14 is Selection Sunday for the NCAA men's basketball tournament, so you can expect three articles to circulate: 1) who got jobbed and missed the tournament, 2) the annual discussion of doubling the tournament size to 128 teams instead of 64 (the word is that the tournament size expanding to 96 teams is all but a done deal), and the inevitable 3) randomly generated figure on lost productivity due to the NCAA tournament. It's been hovering between about $1 billion and $4 billion the last few years. Any early guesses?

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-02-28 to Sat 2010-03-06:  Marijuana use can up the risk of psychosis, according to some scientists THAT I WANT TO KILL  Woman goes into labor during her shotgun wedding. Delivers a beatiful little bb boy  Detached penis goes missing, now most likely on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven down on Second Avenue near St Mark's Place  Former Labour Party leader Michael Foot dies. He was a living leg end  The new Whole Foods nutrition rating system ignores the entirety of human evolution in favor of political considerations. Unlike Twinkies, which are awesome and will eventually grow wild in couch-shaped bushes  US and Canada moving to transgenic pork. But you'll know it's fake, since you can tell by the pig cells  Actual Headline "New Salmonella Recall Raises Questions About Food Safety", so don't order the salmonella  Tour bus crashes south of Phoenix. The dead are expected to rise within the day  Woman decapitated by a freak lawnmower accident as she heads off to work  Psychotherapist charged with acting like there are a couple well-placed spaces in his title  Tractor trailer containing 30,000 pounds of yogurt rolls over on I-91 in Northampton. Culture comes to Western Massachusetts

Sports:  Lebron James is going to play with new jersey next season. No, not that New Jersey  Brett Favre tells Jay Leno he's undecided about returning next year, because if there's anyone else who knows about manipulating the narrative about returning to an old job it's Jay Leno  Indiana Governor raises $6,000 for local youth football by auctioning Saints flag flown in his office..with the stipulation that the money be spent teaching kids how to cover onside kicks

Geek:  Nun finds rare flowers that only blossom every three thousand years, growing under her washing machine. Flowers proceed to bloom. Must be divine reward for taking care of her dirty habits  Geneticists trace origins of small dogs to the Middle East, proving it's always been a breeding ground for terrierists  GOES-P weather satellite scheduled to launch at 6:17 EDT, unless there's a leak in the rocket, which would piss me off

Showbiz:  Lady Gaga says that women get a "bad deal" in sex. And he'd know  Steven Speilberg, George Lucas, and Harrison Ford agreed on "a germ of an idea" for the 5th Indiana Jones movie. Which is an improvement of the virus that was the 4th Indiana Jones  And the nerds will look up and shout "Please don't try to make a Watchmen sequel," and Hollywood will whisper, "No"

Politics:  Doctor says Obama has high cholesterol, finally proving to the Birthers that he is American  New York Governor in trouble again after he got free tickets to listen to Game One of the World Series  GOP: We don't like your plan. Obama: Let's include some of your ideas. GOP: We don't like our plan

Music:  Bon Jovi will visit homeless shelters on their upcoming tour. Never before has a band gone to such great lengths to reach its fanbase  Hole releases their new single, "Skinny Little Biatch," because "Fortyish Crack Whore" doesn't lend itself to a good melody  Katy Perry says she'd like to be the Alanis Morissette of our time

Business:  Proving it can keep pace with the Japanese auto industry, GM recalls 1.3 million cars  Anheuser-Busch InBev reports piss-pour sales for fourth quarter  Hey Zhou, where you goin' with that yuan in your hand?
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Bus drivers Kramden to storm sewers, coriolis effect swirlies, and 12-parsec intermissions: Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 2/21 - 2/27
Posted by Drew at 2010-03-02 3:58:24 PM (27 comments) | Permalink

From Unfreakable:

No posting from Drew this week, so here are the unadorned headlines for your entertainment.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-02-21 to Sat 2010-02-27:  America ranked laziest country in the wor  Beer doctor once again proves to be a better job than gynecologist, probably because you don't get as tired of the bitter, yeasty notes in beer  Women passes away at 93 leaving 15 children, 200 grandchildren and 2000 great-grandchildren. Funeral procession to be one hearse and 317 Suvs  Obama proposes Great Lakes cleanup, which presumably involves relocating Detroit to Nebraska  Britain's National Health Service spent £4 million funding four homeopathic hospitals last year. Suggestion: this year, give each hospital £10, and tell them it will work better because it's diluted  Scientists discover area of western North Atlantic where trash tends to accumulate, naming it "Quebec"  Bus driver rescues woman from storm sewer. Still not sure how she got Kramden there  North Korean rice shipment to the Republic of Congo found to contain a suspicious level of T-55 tank parts. Authorities tipped off by the unlikelyhood of North Korea having any extra rice to ship anywhere  Dumb jock image is a myth, athletes do well academically. Those swirlies they gave you were just a demonstration of the coriolis effect  Legless man plants explosive device at NYC train station. Now the trains aren't running either  Gordon Brown insists Britain not involved in torture, conveniently forgetting the cuisine

Sports:  Johnny Damon claims that the Tigers were his "first choice", forgets to add "...after the Yankees, the White Sox, and the Braves"  Sandy Koufax dashes Mets fans hopes by announcing he was only at spring training to give the pitchers advice, not compete for the number 4 spot in the rotation  Hillary Duff announces engagement to NHL player Mike Comrie. Comrie celebrated with mild checking against the boards before going five-hole

Geek:  'The Man of Steel' goes platinum. A copy of Action Comics #1 sells for $1 million. Meanwhile, your boxes of X-titles have proven to be adequate shelf supports in the garage  Physicist calls on Hollywood to tone down the fanciful science in movies and restrict themselves to just one scientific flaw per film. Also have intermissions every 12 parsecs so people can use the restroom  Descartes letter found, therefore it is

Showbiz:  Kim Kardashian annoyed by marriage rumors, Bajorans  Pixar turns down "Newt." They got better  Max Max Max Headroom is coming to to to to to DVD D D D D

Politics:  Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid would win election if the health care bill kept the public option, according to poll commissioned by the progressive group Committee for Providing Hints to Dumbasses  Support for labor unions among Americans, which was as high as 58 percent in 2007, is down to 41 percent. A spokesman for unions is expected to respond after his break  Bush says he won't be an annoying ex-president to President Obama like a certain one was to him. Yes, he's looking at you Mr. Habitat for Hamas

Music:  George Michael seen hanging out with Rob Thomas, fueling rumors there's money in the banana stand  Johnny Cash releases yet another new album, is said to be considering a duet record with Tupac as his next project  Muse says the decision by Warner to pull free songs from the net "issssss dis-aaapoiiiiiiiinnnting"

Business:  Reader's Digest condenses Chapter 11  Magic Johnson calls off plan to acquire struggling publisher of Ebony and Jet magazines, says he couldn't guarantee black ink  WellPoint CEO testifies before Congressional Death Panel. The execution was televised
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Slutty genes, King Tut's failed pyramid scheme and the street value of illegal poultry: Fark's favorite headlines of the week from 2/14 - 2/20
Posted by Drew at 2010-02-22 2:38:58 PM (30 comments) | Permalink

From Unfreakable:

No writeup from Drew this week, so enjoy some good headlines you may have missed.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-02-14 to Sat 2010-02-20:  Former Olympians Peggy Fleming, Vonetta Flowers injured in Joe Biden motorcade crash. 5.7, 5.8, 5.9, 5.9, 6.0, 5.7  UAH professor who killed three colleagues last week, shot brother in 1986, was also suspect in Harvard bomb plot in 1993. Will soon be linked to Kennedy assassination  Car crashes at auction, seriously injuring 4, I have 4, do I hear 5, I have 5, make that 6 seriously injured  Over 600 chickens were seized from a poultry trafficker's home. Police estimate their total street value at $1,000,000  Small plane slams into Austin building near FBI offices. FBI investigates possible ties between Al Qaeda and gravity  Coup succeeds in detaining Niger president, exciting teabaggers who misread the headline  Genetics replaces Long Island Ice Tea as the primary reason for why your girlfriend is a slut  LHC to be switched on again last week  American military gets its thumb drives back. U-S-B, U-S-B, U-S-B  The new O'Hare runway is planned to go right over a cemetery, potentially displacing dozens of voters  Monastery in Austria is offering men the chance to be a monk for a weekend. Have some time for contemplation, search for inner peace, find God, bone up on onanism

Sports:  NBC's crappy Olympics coverage has reached a point where sports fans are beginning to personally hate the network with the blazing agony of rectal herpes  Jose Reyes says he's ready to return to his role as New York's fifth-best shortstop, behind Jeter, Jeter's backup, A-Rod, and Phil Rizzuto's coffin  Phil Jackson whines about Cavaliers picking up Jamison for a bag of beans. Pau Gasol unavailable for comment

Geek:  "Common Thread Links Multiple Human Cognitive Disorders." It's on the Politics tab if you want to read it  King Tut found to have suffered from cleft palate, club foot, and died from complications from broken leg exacerbated by malaria, failed pyramid scheme  Top 25 most dangerous software practices for 2010\'; UPDATE links SET light = 'green' WHERE id = 5033195 --

Showbiz:  Production on "24" halted after Kiefer Sutherland suffers a ruptured cyst. TELL ME WHERE THE BALM IS  Tila Tequila may have miscarried. Well, miscarriages are almost always sad, but in this case I think the kid made the right choice  James Cameron says he will not return to the Terminator franchise, will instead focus on Avatar-related projects, including the development of the Na'vi's evil neighbors, the Ga'rg'am'el's

Politics:  James Traficant could be dipping his toe into the pool of congressional candidates this fall. No word yet if he will run as an independent or Wig  February 20th, 1992: Ross Perot says he'll run for President on Larry King. Do you hear me? Did you hear what I'm saying to you? What you have here is a headline. You read it from left to right. It's not rocket science, people  Alexander Haig no longer in charge here

Music:  "My Sharona" singer now visiting "My Embalma", then "My Funeral Parla"  Gordon Lightfoot joins Abe Vigoda in the Great Beyond  Manic Street Preachers attack Radiohead during a small show in Glasgow. Radiohead would respond, but they're too busy making music and playing shows that people actually listen to

Business:  U.S. worse than Greece, says economists letting out a collective Ψ  Abercrombie's profit falls 31%, as people discover you don't have to spend two hundred dollars to get holes in your jeans  Too late to help out Mitt Romney, Air Canada proposes nut-free buffer zones on flights
· · ·

Drew attends TED, but fails to steal the seat from Bill Gates' wife. Also, some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week 2/7 thru 2/13
Posted by Drew at 2010-02-16 11:05:46 AM, edited 2010-02-16 6:24:54 PM (51 comments) | Permalink

Last week I attended the TED conference for the first time. I was kind of dubious about it, I don't have a lot of luck at conferences -- it seems that most of them are full of douchebags. It seemed even more likely that TED would be full of douchebags since the context of the conference seems to be "save the world", a sanctimonious goal if there ever was one.

I was surprised to discover that there weren't so many douchebags there. In fact, everyone I met was really nice, and I was able to catch up with a ton of folks that I'd been trying to grab a beer with forever, including Jay Adelson (Digg), Phillip "Pud" Kaplan (F*cked Company & others), moot (4chan), and Arianna Huffington (HuffPo), among others. I even inadvertently asked Bill Gates if the seat next to him was taken; he was saving it for his wife. Didn't realize it was him until two days later.

It's one thing to have a conference where the subtext is "save the world," but it's another thing entirely to have people there who can actually do it. By far my favorite talk was about Nathan Myhrvold's new mosquito laser built out of parts found on eBay. Pretty amazing stuff, although my first reaction was that this probably has some obvious military applications -- such as parking one in geostationary orbit over Iran and setting it to kill anyone with a mustache. Seems like I saw this movie before, Val Kilmer was in it.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-02-07 to Sat 2010-02-13:  "Sheen Remains Weeks After Port Arthur Oil Spill." I bet he'd go away if they offered him some hookers and coke  Georgia man arrested with $1.6 billion in phony Treasury notes. Authorities became suspicious upon learning that the man's name wasn't China  Overweight men have higher chance of surviving a car crash. That's how we roll  Woman wins $15K in botched bikini wax lawsuit. I don't think she'll get ripped off again  Original Haitian death toll of 270,000 has now been revised to 170,000, meaning that 100,000 people are no...longer...dead...OH CRAP  Beet juice mix helps melt ice. Beet juice mix helps melt ice. Beet juice mix helps melt ice  Nelson Mandela was released from prison 20 years ago today, hasn't reoffended  "Officers say they've had two meth seizures within five days of each other." They better go easy on that stuff  Woman injured after getting hit by a cinder truck. Why couldn't it have been something softer like a pillow truck or a marshmallow truck?  Staff employees in Maricopa County, Arizona have been caught speeding on photo radar cameras more than 1,500 times over the last two years, marking the first time in history a government worker has done something fast  Probe launched into Mianus fire blamed on hot ashes, spicy food

Sports:  Vick no longer complacent, realizes that competitive sports is a something-of-one-type eat something-of-the-same-type world  Nancy Kerrigan lands new gig as a reporter for the 2010 Winter Olympics. WHY HER? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?  NASCAR begins its boring sport toda...Wait what? Danica Patrick was in a 12-car accident? Is she okay? Was her racing suit torn off at all?

Geek:  Rebuilt DNA Could Lead to Cloned Neanderthals, Higher Ratings for WWE  Starcraft 2 beta to be released this month. Kekekekeke nerd rush ^_^  Europe's LHC to run at half-energy, tightening race for Higgs. In related news, scientists across Europe have begun stockpiling crossbows

Showbiz:  Heather Mills wants to produce a TV show about people with disabilities. Guess she hasn't heard Jersey Shore's coming back for a second season  "I do not believe in totally natural for women" says Donatella Versace, who looks like a cross between Iggy Pop and a leather purse left out in the sun  Lady Gaga is dating her best friend. She says that it was very nice to meat him

Politics:  Although she lives in a state that allows gay marriage, TV pundit Rachel Maddow says she and her girlfriend don't want to get married, but like having the option of putting the Subaru in both their names if they want  Bill Clinton rushed to NY hospital with heart problem. Details, updates, Clinton expected to come soon  Poll shows that 70% of Americans support gays and lesbians in the military. However, only 59% support homosexuals in the military. Non-homosexual gay and lesbian soldiers rejoice

Music:  White Stripes upset at Air Force Reserve for stealing one of their songs. They say they recognized it because the drums sounded like a monkey trapped in a snare  Moby says he is using "no electronic instruments" on his new album, which means you'll be lulled to sleep by real instruments  Limp Bizkit's Wes Borland says that their new album is inspired by Daft Punk. In related news, Daft Punk to sue Limp Bizkit for defamation of character

Business:  Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan emerges from his hole and predicts six more years of high unemployment  Philip Morris profit tops estimates, plans to boost health through the intake of second hand stock  MySpace CEO Van Natta quits after just nine months, which is pretty much what most MySpace users did four years ago
· · ·

While Drew's recovering from his party last night, here are some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 1/31 - 2/6
Posted by Drew at 2010-02-08 1:25:47 PM, edited 2010-02-13 5:57:10 PM (11 comments) | Permalink

by Unfreakable:

No writeup this week, Drew was up half the night in Las Vegas at his combined birthday party/Fark party/Super Bowl party. He'll probably be back after the hangover subsides.

Until then, here are some of the better headlines from last week:

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-01-31 to Sat 2010-02-06:  Scientists find that overeating is as addictive as cocaine. Except the high is nowhere near as awesome, and when you're done you don't end up in a hotel bed with naked strangers  Abstinence-only education works. Suck it, non-believers. Or anal, if that's your thing  Colin Powell joins Mike Mullen in favoring repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" rule, offering much-needed support from the non-Navy sector of the armed forces  Two die when car crashes into casino. Driver put behind: Bar...Bar...Bar  Sharks kill surfer at Florida beach. Jets promise a swift and choreographed retaliation  Shark attack victim was a veteran windsurfer, good husband to his wife, loving father to his children, pal to his friends, and chum to shark  UN: Global warming has put 55% of the Netherlands underwater. Netherlands: We think we would have noticed that  Iowa man arrested for possession of methamphetamine and steroids. Neighbors became suspicious when they noticed him lifting his car off the ground to vacuum his driveway at 3 AM  Employers refuse to hire Generation Y workers because they lack a work ethic and spend too much time talking to frien--- Hold on, I have to take this  After student sent home from Louisiana high school for wearing a Colts jersey, his parents call the ACLU -- proving that like their team, Indy fans are really only good at working the officials  Skateboarding while texting is not a crime... though the law of averages will eventually catch up with you

Sports:  There's no 'Vanessa Perroncel' in 'team', but apparently there *was* a team in Vanessa Perroncel  Rex Ryan hears the word that the bird will cost him $50K. Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow, ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow  Tiger Woods has left sex rehab, now faces a dismal life of having drunken sex on a huge pile of cash with only his beautiful blonde Swedish wife. Poor guy

Geek:  Proving everything that Texas fans have ever said about them; a researcher at Texas A&M has found that Viagra is useful for sheep as well  Carbonite reveals chemistry of ancient seawater, Han Solo's facial expression  Injected fruit juice liquifies tumors, makes delicious cancer smoothie

Showbiz:  Kim Kardashian says she has not gotten a nose job, remains silent on what happened to her cranial ridges and the spoon-shape on her forehead  Adam Lambert claims he's bi-curious. So now's your chance, girls  Soap opera star Frances Reid dies at age 95. Will return in a few months with amnesia, marry her rapist, have an affair with her stepson, get divorced, turn evil, and die again. Surprise! It's really her twin

Politics:  Obama to cut farm subsidies, threatening one of three remaining bastions of communism in the Western hemisphere, the others being Cuba and the Pennsylvania liquor system  Rahm Emmanuel will host a group of special needs people at the White House. The hard part will be telling them apart from the Congressional delegations  Statue of President Obama as a 10-year-old boy to be removed from public park in Jakarta after people complain that he wasn't even born there. LOL - what kind of backwards country throws such a fit about where Obama was born?

Music:  Rush rumored to perform in Vancouver Winter Olympics opening ceremony. In other news, ethnic make up of Rush concert audiences unchanged  Ringo Starr says he found God. Steady beat still elusive  Jack White to record with Dolly Parton. That's gotta be one helluva recording studio to contain three boobs that big

Business:  Euro falls to 7-month low against the dollar on news that the fate of the entire European Union is in the hands of a country with an economy based on goat cheese and olives  Former CEO of Bank of America charged with fraud, $39 overdraft fee, $10 notification fee, $25 low balance fee, and $7 loss fee  Environmental activists would like makers of household cleaners to tell us exactly what's in them. Cleaner industry says we should simply trust them not to put anything harmful in there, and to enjoy the new lemony-carcinogeny scent
· · ·

Super Bowl media mania, a question about international beers, and Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 1/24 - 1/30
Posted by Drew at 2010-02-01 1:16:27 PM (47 comments) | Permalink

In media news, it's Super Bowl week. Be on the lookout for rehashes of previous year Super Bowl news, including "How Much Money Does The Super Bowl Cost in Terms of Lost Productivity?", and "Top 10 Craziest Super Bowl Halftime Shows" with Janet Jackson in the number one slot. She'll be there forever.

So in unrelated news, a friend of mine here in Kentucky has been challenged to drink a beer from every country that got into the World Cup. He's found most of them but is running into trouble with a few countries, I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions for the following:

- Algeria (do muslims drink beer?)
- Cameroon
- Ghana
- Ivory Coast
- North Korea
- Slovenia
- Uruguay

Let me know.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-01-24 to Sat 2010-01-30:  Jets crash in Indianapolis, Lebanon  Cu later "Chemical Ali." Officials now busy deciding where to barium  Film made entirely by chimps airs on BBC. No, it's not Transformers 2  WHO accused of overplaying H1N1 pandemic, My Generation  British death toll in Afghanistan may have reached 250, but it is tough to keep accurate count because of the tally ban  Construction worker dies after Forth bridge fall. You'd think he'd have learned his lesson after the first three  Reclusive author J.D. Salinger dead at 91. As usual, he was unavailable for comment  Disabled woman successfuly tackles and subdues raider, completely failing to amaze anyone living in Oakland  Italy to open first prison for transsexuals, presumably to be called Alcatranz  Kansas jury says post 200th trimester abortion is murder  Jesus spotted in coconut, sermon on the Mounds anticipated

Sports:  Serena Williams says she weighs in at 68kg (150lbs), Aussie journalist playfully suggests weighing her other thigh  Away in Manilla/mom on her sick bed/The little Lord Tebow poked out his sweet head/James Dobson and wingnuts looked down where he lay/Here's 2.8 million to take choice away  Hue Jackson becomes offensive coordinator for Oakland, will try to get JaMarcus Russell to learn by poking him with his adamantium claws

Geek:  In an effort to reach out and touch the youth, the Pope wants Priests to start blogs  Energy-harvesting rubber sheets could power pacemakers, mobile phones. Or, if installed in John Edwards' bedroom, St. Louis  Scottish scientists "lead the world," developing technology to view Flame Nebula. Next up: deep-fried Flame Nebula

Showbiz:  "Jersey Shore" cast to stick together and ask for more money for second season, just like the cast of "Friends," except less educated, with faker tans and a really bad case of herpes  Bollywood to get its first ever gay kiss. Unsurprisingly, some people are making a big song and dance about this  Katy Perry's Twitter account gets hacked and series of juvenile messages get posted. No one really notices a difference

Politics:  Obama to seek spending freeze. Republicans scrambling to find reasons to oppose it  Two of the teabaggers' biggest nuts are dropping out  US takes the high road and avoids conflicting with China over the Google situation. Just kidding, we're selling $6 billion of "F*ck China" to Taiwan

Music:  Muse is donating their drum kit for Haiti auction. It's described as being in new and unused condition  Ozzy Osbourne says he's lucky to be alive after his drug use and "I really like this Lady Gaga." Evidently the drug use hasn't stopped  Willie Nelson cancels concert due to having severe hand pain. If only he had access to a cheap, non-addictive, easy to find medication that would temporarily ease his pain and help him like, totally chill out, dude

Business:  Home sales slide like a McMansion on a California hill  Left-wing, socialist companies spreading the wealth around by advertising 87,000 job openings, creating more taxpayers to feed Obama's communist agenda  Five. Five banks. Five banks go tits up
· · ·

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