Last week, we discovered that one of the major credit bureaus is about as good at keeping your information - which you never gave them permission to possess in the first place -  as secure as The Club keeps your car. So they set up a pretty exciting website where you get to plug in some of your information and, depending on secret factors such as the alignment of the stars, the direction the wind is blowing, the rotating TOS of the complimentary credit monitoring service, what color underwear you're wearing, and the last thing you ate, it tells you whether or not your information was compromised. Play again and again for different answers. It's fun for the entire family!
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Irma - 2189
Jose - 364
Evacuate - 942
Equifax - 371
Bacon - 356
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
RJReves showed What Hurrican Irma really had planned for Florida
Pocket Ninja knew one way in which Trump was sure to help Floridians
Magruda shared a surprising illustration of the hurricane
naughtyrev shared some feelings about FEMA's attentions
jayhawk88 noticed the great plan for a guy who hates Chicago
Ivo Shandor shared an alarming note on a restaurant receipt
TomFooolery pointed out that a great pizza is available outside of Chicago
Mad Scientist shared a comparison of the different hurricane strengths
berylman posted a helpful "before" photo of a Florida landmark
nekom knew that the Equifax problem would lead to a satisfactory resolution
 
Smart:
nekom knew that the Equifax problem would lead to a satisfactory resolution
Miss5280 explained how an 11-year-old girl defeated an InfoWars reporter
nekom pointed out why Hurricane Harvey by itself didn't prove climate change
fragMasterFlash asked Hurricane Irma for a favor
Louisiana_Sitar_Club thought a douchebag told a lie that made him look like an even bigger douchebag
GooberMcFly explained a dad's way of punishing a babysitter when he caught her sleeping
holdmybones was impressed by a level of douchiness
BizarreMan had words of comfort for churches that aren't eligible for FEMA funds
TuteTibiImperes weighed in on fashion for pregnant women
AppleOptionEsc was not impressed by an article criticizing the Red Cross
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers 
Smart: skybreaker posted perhaps the most truthful comment of the week
Funny: Roman Fyseek advised a submitter about what to do when interrupted during sexytimes
Funny: 433 ruined a band name by changing a single letter (lots of good stuff in this thread)
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Summer's end
Smart: vudukungfu shared a romantic story
Funny: L.D. Ablotold a story about a mysterious bag
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
soporific accused Trump of some unforgivable actions
duppy shared a tweet arguing in favor of deportations
scottydoesntknow explained why DACA can't be phased out
jbc explained what will happen to Trump when Russia burns him
Snapper Carr showed how Obama is feeling about the attack on DACA
 
Politics Smart:
blastoh talked about discussing politics with people with opposing viewpoints
AdmirableSnackbar thought that some people care more about ideology than outcomes
tudorgurl was upset about Trump's plan to end DACA
RminusQ argued that racism isn't a point of view
FormlessOne agreed with a child's assessment
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba had hopes to watch a specific event on television very soon
ionthrust revealed the ending of the show "Some Like It Trump"
RedZoneTuba made an ad for a very timely movie
retrophil created a very depressing reboot of an '80s TV show
Herb Utsmelz gave up on finding something to watch
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us the best new TV program
Stantz needed a bit of glue for repairs
SansNeural showed a girl who's been spending a bit of time at the gym
ionthrust made a strong girl's feat even more impressive
Circusdog320 isn't a fan of Pat Robertson
 
Farktography:
g0ats3x won Farktography Contest No. 644: "Farktography Classic: Sports Photography 2" with a photo of Olympic skiier Leanne Smith
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Beyond Fark 
 
We're very sad to have lost two well-known and beloved members of the Fark community: soosh, a Farktographer and host of the weekly Livingston Stapler Company Presents threads, and timujin, a prolific commenter whose login should be familiar to anyone who regularly reads the Fark NotNewsletter.
 
You can read soosh's memorial thread here.
You can read timujin's memorial thread here.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe) 
 
 
These are the headlines that TotalFarkers voted as the best!  Thanks for voting!  Vote early, vote often.  We're looking mainly for funny - what headline could you tell someone else at the office or in a bar and make them laugh - and we also love smart and creative and fun.  Thanks to our submitters, you are all amazing!      
 
This week's Fark Headlines of the Week
 
MAIN - check out HotW for the top ten voted headlines.  Here are more that almost made it.  Vote to make sure *your* favorites get top billing!    
 
Man causes $2,000 in damages to 7-Eleven after being told he couldn't use the phone. What did he do, burn it to the ground?   
 
The Russian designer of the coal-rolling Admiral Kuznetsov aircraft carrier now works for China, suggesting we may see a whole new generation of Pacific carriers bursting into flames and exploding on their own   
 
11-year-old finds gun, shoots himself. Police say parents need to teach kids to be more careful, point it at other people   
 
Grown man gets dumped, and you're reading about this on Fark   
 
Night food, outside beer, underwear drunkenness and other foreign concepts that don't exist in English     
 
SPORTS - Sports tends to have more straightforward headlines, but there are always a few gems - check out the top voted in HotW and here are are two more great ones!  We'd love to see more competition!   
 
Here's the new alternate logo for the Seattle Seahawks, and it's looking right at you   
 
Antonio Cromartie is a fertility god    
 
GEEK - geek has been so fantastic that I had to take the top ten this week - here are a handful more that almost made it as well!   
 
Long-range interactions leave a quantum reminder. "Followup" tag in the box. Or not  
 
A new genetic marker for schizophrenia discovered that doesn't require tin foil   
 
Refrigerator encounters its arch enemy: the free-falling anvil   
 
Not content with 2 major hurricanes, raging fires out west, a raving nut job with nukes -- not to mention Kim Jong Un, floods in India, soaring racial tensions and the scourge of man-buns, the sun is sending a storm. Cue Far Side Crisis Clinic comic  
 
Cressida and Desdemona are set to have a hot time around Uranus  
 
... and a classic Fark headline pair: 
 
Your genes determine whether you love or hate Marmite  
 
Your genes don't determine whether you love or hate Marmite    
 
ENTERTAINMENT - there were a few gems - check out the top three voted in HotW, here's one more than *almost* made it.  If you're looking for more chances on HotW, the field in the Entertainment tab has some great submissions but a lot of room for competition!     
 
The Kardashian empire is expanding again. The Federation is on red alert   
 
POLITICS - the politics tab was great this week, check out the ten top voted in HotW, here are a few more that *almost* made the top ten    
 
Kentucky bears down hard on its last abortion clinic. Burlington Coat Factory braces for impact   
 
A 30-foot-high border wall and a 65-foot-high toddler   
 
Kasich fondles Schwarzenegger's gerrymander   
 
A Fark-based theory may be playing out soon in Belarus   
 
God is punishing Americans by hitting America with hurricanes. So God wanted Hillary elected?   
 
BUSINESS - the business tab was especially great this week - keep 'em coming!  These almost made it, go read HotW to see the ones that got the top votes!   
 
Tractor company employees brace for a Deere John letter   
 
The EPA is eyeing limits for dicamba, an agricultural chemical linked to crop damage, just as soon as that horse is completely out of the barn   
 
Britain's car sales are not all right, in fact there's plenty left   
 
Something called a "Tronc" bought something called a "newspaper" for one dollar   
 
For anyone in Houston who might need a new car, here's a handy guide on vehicle customer satisfaction     
 
DISCUSSION - these links all made it to HotW - there seem to be two fairly distinct styles of discussion headlines, the multi-sentence, multi-question headline, and usual one-line headline.  I've recently been taking the top three of both types for HotW.  We'd love to see more of both for more competition!    
 
The most disturbing people you can sit next to on an airplane, but nothing beats the corpse story  
 
By the power of Jennifer Greyskull  
 
It's been over 10 years. Are we over it yet?   
 
"I believe that was already covered during the trial" and other smart arse answers not covered in the linked article about what to say when the job interviewer asks you to tell them about yourself  
 
This week on the Saturday Morning Book Club: What's the most difficult book you've ever read? Bonus points if you actually understood it   
 
Will reigns get fed to the inCenarator? Will anyone care of Enzo and Gable? Can subby manage to type this with no typos on his phone? It's your live Raw thread Starting at 8pm eastern on USA   
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

It's September now, and there haven't been any Fark parties since July. August is a crap month, so that's understandable. But now is the perfect time to plan your Fark Party. Maybe you're back in school and want to blow off some steam, maybe your kids are back in school and you want to celebrate, maybe your house is flooded and that ought to be enough to get some Farkers to buy you some drinks, or maybe none of these apply, which is also reason to party. In any case, it's a great time to submit a Fark Party. Pants optional, depending on the venue.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
DACA - 551
Labor Day - 189
Summer - 602
Chemical plant - 199
Bacon - 226
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
MBooda noticed that Texas didn't even get the worst of Hurricane Harvey
7th Son of a 7th Son shared a statement from Joel Osteen to those seeking shelter
Catlenfell showed us thoughts and prayers
jbc pointed out someone who's more of a Christian than Joel Osteen
Madman drummers bummers figured out the trick to getting "Funny" votes on Fark
Abe Vigoda's Ghost showed us that one woman indeed looked like a Cabbage Patch doll as a child
The Goddamn Batman had a message for the Crying Nazi
fusillade762 helpfully captioned a photo of nursing home residents in the flood
RomeoEightJuliet showed a hitchhiking hawk's safety concerns
Cyrus the Mediocre demonstrated the wrong way to slice bread
 
Smart:
FormlessOne explained why a nurse was arrested
docpeteyJ commented on the Crying Nazi's lack of self awareness
doglover reacted to a judge's ruling that Colorado's sex offender list is unconstitutional
netizencain wanted more cops to be held accountable
keylock71 hoped for a certain outcome after a nurse was arrested
firefly212 listed multiple reasons to fire a police officer
thismomentinblackhistory noticed something odd about the penalty when a cop jokes about shooting black people
lostcat discussed what it would take for people to trust police officers
enry discussed a furniture chain owner's reasons for helping people in Houston
Cpl.D thought a Crossfit Nazi got what he deserved
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers 
Funny: myschief gave another Farker a reason to not go to a strip club on a day off
Funny: EatenTheSun had bittersweet thoughts as the house was flooding
Funny: IvyLady revealed the origins of a TotalFark romance
Funny: Huck Chaser asked how another Farker responded to encountering a strange way to use a urinal
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Hyped up
Smart: This is a tie between Mr_Fabulous with festival season and fusillade762 with a concert in 1993. buckwebb gets a special mention even without having really told a story because that's a cute grandbabby.
Funny: gordian shared what it's like to be a child genius
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
markie_farkie discovered an obscure member of The Village People
RJReves made sure nobody missed a comparison of Trump's Harvey response and Obama's Katrina response
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That followed through in a thread about angry white men
blastoh shared a confusing warning
kevlar51 was saddened by unfair attacks on Trump's actions
 
Politics Smart:
BizarreMan advocated a 25th Amendment remedy
docpeteyJ had some guesses as to why Sheriff David Clarke resigned
Sgt Otter noticed a limit to how much of a Christian nation Mike Pence would like the U.S. to be
Walker shared examples of past presidents visiting disaster areas
Kevin72 explained why the news media report on Trump's failures
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba found our missing socks where no sock has gone before
Circusdog320 discovered a surprising component of Saturn's rings
manyone revealed the hidden secret of the solar eclipse
ionthrust found something more dangerous than rattlesnakes
Yammering_Splat_Vector added some hot coronal action
Herb Utsmelz earwormed the heck out of this Photoshop contest
Surly U. Jest moved a Farker to a more accessible camping spot
Stantz transformed this friendly mailbox
Vortex Dweller showed a cat that's being disrespected
Surly U. Jest did an awesome head swap
 
Farktography:
Elsinore won Farktography Contest No. 643: "Green 3" with some pointy water
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)   
 
Hope everyone had a great holiday weekend, and we're all ready to get back to work and start sweating the latest impending disaster. Stay safe, Floridians.
 
This week's quiz seemed a little more difficult than usual, so we'll try and tone it down a bit for the next one. Vaginosilicosis took first with 802, followed by MrPleasant in second with 799. OOF brought in third with 795, and rounding out the top 5 were Denjiroin fourth with 792, and Kaiser Bill's Batman making fifth with 782.
 
The hardest question on the Hard Quiz this week was over the highest-grossing animated film franchise internationally. 12% of quiztakers knew that while "Ice Age" has done respectably domestically (not quite the smash hits that are "Shrek" and "Toy Story," though), It has done better than the others internationally. This may be due to the fact that it is more based on physical comedy and sight gags (which translate well) rather than the story-based exposition of "Shrek" and "Toy Story" (which is sometimes hard to translate).   
 
The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over what German thieves had stolen 20 metric tons of. 79% of quiztakers knew that someone had an extreme fondness for Nutella. I'm guessing that someone's bikini mud wrestling contest had received a bad batch of mud recently, so decided to improvise after a revolt by the contestants.
 
The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over what little critter had just crawled out of Mommy's pouch after about 7 months of mooching about in there like a 20-something in her basement and she finally shut off the Wi-Fi. Only 25% of quiztakers knew that the rare white joey was a koala. For the record, the young of all marsupials (pouched animals) is called a "joey," not just kangaroos.
 
The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over where the last PowerBall winner lived. 85% of quiztakers knew that she had the unfortunate circumstance of living in Massachusetts, one of the highest-taxed (although also one of the highest in quality of life) states in the Union. But when you're up nearly $400 million after taxes, you probably don't let it bother you.
 
A special shout-out goes to I Have a Bo Burnham Gif for That for his help in putting together this week's quiz.
 
If you missed the quiz due to being outdoors and enjoying the last bit of summer, you can take the Fark Weird News Quiz here.  
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe) 
 
Here are a few of the great headlines that didn't quite get the top votes but were still up there.  So vote early, vote often!   Especially if you think headlines like these should have been at the top!  To see the headlines that did get the top votes, look here.    
 
MAIN   
 
Hobby Lobby is funding the plundering of Palestinian cultural heritage, possibly by digging it up and putting glitter on it    
 
It's one of the biggest travel weekends of the year. Let's close a bridge at a choke point  
 
If you've got 34 Xanax pills, 29 amphetamine pills, 96 Oxycodone pills, 3 bags of MDMA, 6 bags of meth, 68 bottles of steroids, 3 bags of ketamine, 2 vials of ketamine, a bag of shrooms and 700 ecstasy tablets, a killer robot almost seems reasonable    
 
Do you want to greet a loved one at the airport gate, like pre-9/11 days? Bad enough to pick them up in Pittsburgh?   
 
Woman (70 years old) fined for falling asleep at the wheel and clipping a guardrail. Her goats were fine, by the way   Don't have a Wells Fargo account? Are you sure?   
 
Philosophical questions for the modern age: Could you still be busted for drunk-driving even if you were "driving" a driverless car? Maybe. What about if you were standing on the roof? Definitely   
 
SPORTS   
 
You're not going to believe this, but the NFL might've screwed up their handling of the Ezekial Elliot investigation and hidden a few things   
 
GEEK     
 
Stop. You had me at "rocket-powered ninja swords"  
 
Ad astra per aqua   
 
The rise and fall of the Romans can be charted in their lead plumbing. It's Pb without the jelly   
 
ENTERTAINMENT   
 
Apparently Matt Damon's is five inches most of the time  
 
Half Chinese actress changed her last name from Wang to Bennet and got more work because Hollywood is either A) racist - or B) doesn't like wang in their movies   
 
POLITICS  
 
Casting call for next season of top reality show getting huge turnout    
 
Trump praises crowd at Phoenix rally as a "packed house." Trump also fired long time staffer because attendance at said rally was sparse. Discuss    
 
Back off NAFTA or this fetus gets it     
 
BUSINESS   
 
"You can buy this great 'USA' hat in my online store for only $40. Walmart: "Hold my beer"    
 
Houston's housing market is expected to go through the roof. And the walls. And the floorboards. And you may need some new carpeting    
 
DISCUSSION   These headlines made it to HotW - I'm continuing to take the top three weekly thread discussion headlines and the top three regular headlines.     
 
When Starlight Glimmer and Trixie visit Thorax, they meet his brother Pharynx, who is grateful you're no longer watching it for the Abdomen. It's My Little Pony - To Change a Changeling, Saturday on Discovery Family at 11:30am ET    
 
New Comics (8/30): Secret Empire mercifully ends, Darkseid gives us an upskirt shot, Mace Windu finally gets his own motherfarking comic, Moneypenny gets out from behind the desk, and Hawkeye hunts the most dangerous game....Hawkeye   
 
I have no idea what you're singing about, so here's YATTA because it's been awhile   My office finally started blocking Fark. I'm stuck using my phone to communicate with you people. You're so tiny now  
 
Wait .... so you're saying there were no great whites swimming on I-45, 20 ft gators on I-10 and ANTIFA shooting at the mighty Cajun Navy?    
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

Some of you are still dealing with Hurricane/tropical storm Harvey. Our thoughts are with you, and we hope you're safe. Please check in when you can, and remember that Farkers have been able to help each other out during similar circumstances in the past. Feel free to reach out in the NotNewsletter thread or any Harvey thread if you need help getting through this.
 
CatherineM posted a comment explaining things that "non-Houstonians need to understand" about what they're dealing with right now. Please note that while this comment is in a TotalFark thread which normally wouldn't be accessible to non-TotalFarkers, we've made it so that anyone with a Fark account can view this thread for a couple of days, but you must be logged into your Fark account to see it.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Hurricane - 1590
Harvey - 728
Flood - 912
Joe Arpaio - 789
Sebastian Gorka - 306
Bacon - 257
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
Tymast reacted to the USS John S. McCain collision
Conservative Humor was having a bad day
SmackLT gave advice to someone who was nervous about Hurricane Harvey
12349876 had a book recommendation
bearded clamorer showed a hawk reacting to a cab driver's home
naughtyrev explained why a gay man wasn't allowed to adopt cats
Russ1642 found Butthead's lookalike
Mike_LowELL was jealous of white supremacists
derpes_simplex helped out with a currency conversion
Louisiana_Sitar_Club showed the possible results of surgery to look like Ivanka Trump
 
Smartest:
SmackLT gave advice to someone who was nervous about Hurricane Harvey
ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha shared what Johnny Cash's children said about the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville
fusillade762 discussed people who post their violent intentions on social media
Marcus Aurelius suggested more surgeries for a woman trying to look like Ivanka Trump
enry expanded on some advice to college students
fusillade762 commented on the charges against a white supremacist who shot into a crowd of counter-protesters
Target Builder had a question about another Navy ship collision
Serious Black thought there was a problem with American police
ecmoRandomNumbers suggested a way to get people to trust the police
gilgigamesh described seeing people being jerks in a museum
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Chicken Fried Steak
Smartest: Praise Cheesus told a story about cooking an exotic delicacy
Funniest: Ker_Thwap found a way to say something nice rather than not saying anything at all
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
Non Sequitur Man reacted to news that Mueller subpoenaed some law firms
mjjt shared a comment from a visitor to Scott Adams' blog
blastoh showed us what a destroyed monument might look like
Nina_Hartley's_Ass explained why Donald Trump complains so much
PainInTheASP had a message for Stormfronters
 
Politics Smartest:
King Something pointed out something Scott Adams will never figure out
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That reacted to Trump pardoning Arpaio
jwa007 voiced some opinions about Fox News
Relatively Obscure suggested a response to someone's reasons for supporting Trump
scottydoesntknow made some observations about the good old days
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
ionthrust taught us something about mushrooms
Iggie found a replacement monument that many fans of the Confederacy would be happy with
Herb Utsmelz aimed to pacify those who want to keep Confederate monuments
DiggidyDan showed someone who would rather put the Confederate monuments in a museum
retrophil provided a very good reason to exit the freeway
Yammering_Splat_Vector added some motivation to take the next off-ramp
retrophil added incentive to just take the next exit already
whitebelly created the ugliest dog ever
StainedGlassRuby wanted a monument to science bitches
Don_cos posted some helpful warnings
 
Farktography:
Linguine won Farktography Contest No. 642: "Farkitecture 2" with a mighty mighty brick house
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe) 
 
 
Thanks for voting for Headline of the Week!  Remember to vote early, vote often.  The best time to vote is when you a headline really stands out for you - remember to vote for it!  We're looking most of all for funny - but also headlines that just really grab you, or are a fantastic creative twist.  Thanks to all our submitters!! 
 
We have a lot of great headlines and not all of the great ones get the most votes, so I wanted to highlight a few of the headlines that didn't quite make the top 10 (for Main) or the top three (for the rest of the tabs).  Here are some of the best that *didn't* make it - if you like these better than the ones that were chosen, make sure to keep that in mind and vote your favorites during the week, and make *your* favorites rise to the top! 
 
MAIN  
 
And if anybody should object to this union, let him speak now....I didn't mean you, Harvey 
 
£13.40 for a pint is the most London thing ever. Of course it's an IPA, but you knew that already  
 
The most foul, revolting assault on humanity is already upon us, mere days before Labor Day weekend. And no, it has nothing to do with politics. It. Must. Be. Stopped 
 
As we appear to have run out of other news, a passenger on a BA flight was charged double for 'strong tea'  
 
For the last time, pal - breaking into the church to get naked and drink the sacramental wine night is Tuesday, not Monday  
 
First bourbon, then pizza, now spaghetti sauce covers a highway in third Arkansas food spill in as many weeks. Golden Corral plans to open new restaurant in the same place  
 
SPORTS  
 
In alarming news out of Canada, half the country calls kickball "soccer baseball"  
 
The latest thing ruining football fandom is: A) Concussion studies; B) The Dallas Cowboys; C) Fantasy football  
 
GEEK 
 
A Thorium reactor has just been started. Hans Martin Djupvik glances around nervously  
 
First around-the-world telegram (stop) sent on this day (stop) in 1911 (stop) 
 
ENTERTAINMENT  
 
Eleanor Rigby, died in the church, and was buried along with her name, nobody came... until now when some lucky Beatles' fan can buy her grave for probably around $3,000 
 
POLITICS 
 
Politics headlines were still plentiful this week but the majority were Trump-centric.  This seems to reflect the entirety of news coverage out in the larger internet, but we'd love more variety.  Here are a few of the top voted that didn't make the top three.   
 
U.S. Defense Secretary: "Russia is trying to redraw borders by force." All of the Kremlin: "...And?"  
 
Oh man, that's right. He's been on vacation this whole damn time  
 
So, yeah Trump's poll numbers are in the toilet, but that's only because we haven't fixed the thing that lets chicks vote yet  
 
Trump supporters circulate photo of Phoenix rally crowds. Apparently forget that the internet exists, and is forever  
 
Ann Coulter may be the first to have to choose sides and go with either Trump or Bannon. It's like Kramer vs Kramer but with racists   
 
BUSINESS  
 
Having forgotten how stock market and real estate crashes happen, middle class Americans go on a bitcoin buying binge  
 
DISCUSSION 
 
There seem to be two main types of discussion headlines.  First, the usual Fark-style humor, and second, the Live discussion threads that usually have a multi-question or conversational style.  Both have the possibility to be really fun and funny so this week I'm listing the top three of both types.  And again - we don't get a lot of discussion submissions, so your chances of a greenlight in this tab are a lot higher than in the other tabs.  We'd love to see more!    
 
Stay calm. We can do this. If we believe, really believe in it, we can bring the sun back. So clap. Clap like your sun depends on it. Official discussion thread (live webcast starts at 11:45am ET)  
 
What do you do when your big sister/little sister camping trip is ruined -- aside from burying your dead? It's spooky campfire tale time on My Little Pony - Campfire Tales this Saturday on Discovery Family at 11:30am ET 
 
Will Lesnar lose his title? No. Will Nakamura beat Mahal? Yes. Will Rusev come out on top? Yes. Will The Shield defeat Cesaro and Sheamus? Obviously. This is your WWE Summerslam thread, the most predictable card of the year. Action begins at 7pm ET  
 
How would Superman kill himself? Difficulty: He can't find any Kryptonite 
 
"The British obsession with ketchup has gone too far." That's technically impossible 
 
Ms. T has a problem: she's single and in her 20s, and frustrated that her younger sister, whom she's always been academically and athletically superior to, is getting married. Ms. T can't stand losing and wants to know what to do. I pity the fool  
 
To see the rest of the Headlines of the Week, check here 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

Eclipse day is finally here, and no doubt we'll soon be posting some articles on Fark about people who damaged their eyes whilst admiring it. It's like the Medusa of celestial events - enjoy the spectacle, but don't look directly at it or get its blood on you. Or go ahead if you want to, I'm not the boss of you. Indeed, we all answer to the Ferret People.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Eclipse - 1064
Jerry Lewis - 35
Hey lady - 15
Stephen Bannon - 1831
Bacon - 395
Cabbage - 32
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
BumpInTheNight pulled a joke that always results in a bunch of reports to moderators (and the moderators laugh every time)
bloobeary had a suggestion for a new name for Jefferson Davis Highway
jbc went with the obligatory highway name suggestion
Walker explained why Trump would blame both sides when a van ran over people in Barcelona
BizarreMan decyphered a confusing acronym
Cyberluddite warned of Nazis in the animal kingdom
RodneyToady thought a headline about a pizza box was going to end differently
Bowen helpfully explained what AirDrop is
HairyNevus learned a valuable lesson about keeping your device's sharing settings tight
edmo showed what happens when you take up more than one parking space
maddog2030 explained why a guy made a game of punching a set bear trap
 
Smartest:
Lighting urged people to not take it upon themselves to take down Confederate monuments
King Something's views differed slightly from Lighting's
scottydoesntknow apparently isn't a paranoid cop
what_now sympathized with a police officer who thought someone else's pizza box was calling her a pig
bloobeary pointed out that it shouldn't be a surprise when certain actions have consequences
August11 explained why not everyone disapproves of protesters destroying Confederate monuments
what_now noticed an unusual amount of effort going into an investigation
kanesays shared a tweet asking why a terrorist's radicalization hadn't been reported
Grand_Moff_Joseph predicted the followup to an article about saving for retirement
hubiestubert described white supremacists
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers
A few days ago, someone submitted a thread asking what everyone would write a poem called "I care" about. Some TotalFarkers went ahead and wrote poems. A couple of favorites:
 
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat had an angry drunk reply to William Carlos Williams "This Is Just To Say"
mikaloyd wrote a poem about TotalFark Discussion
 
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Picknicking
Smartest & Funniest: Recoil Therapy's dog had to be rescued while practicing rescuing the kids
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
MaudlinMutantMollusk summed up what's been happening in the White House
hobnail told us what Steve Bannon's plans are now
El_Perro's source said that Bannon left for other reasons
RJReves pointed out why it's illegal to have sexual relations with Confederate monuments
The Third Man knew that Steve Bannon would still have plenty to do
 
Politics Smartest:
hubiestubert expanded on Heather Heyer's Facebook post about being outraged
holdmybones wanted a victim's name to be known rather than a killer's
GardenWeasel proposed a law named for Heather Heyer
Non Sequitur Man suggested a replacement statue
mutterfark agreed with a white nationalist when he claimed, "I'm not the angry racist they see in that photo"
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Snubnose found evidence that the Titanic might have been done in by sabotage
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us how fruit works
bark_atda_moon proved that Keanu is sad even when he's really high
Iggie finally got some peace and quiet
RedZoneTuba didn't think the late Helen Thomas would make a good bride
retrophil had some colorful diamonds
retrophil showed us Elmo's first movie role
retrophil revealed what Paul Hogan was actually offering to do for us
manyone found nature's Google doodle
Yammering_Splat_Vector let us know what "Ghost in the Shell" is really about
 
Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 641: "C is for Cookie" ended in a tie between two gorgeous photos: Linguine's "Colorado River in a canyon" and BecauseISaidSo's "Cascade in the Canyon"
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.

Well, last week sure was a total crapfest. It started out with outrage over some Googler's memo and things only went downhill from there. Can things go downhill and escalate at the same time? I guess so, because somehow they did.
 
On an unrelated note, the Fark Party submission form has been simplified. Submitting Fark Parties is way easier now. We got rid of the whole awkward mess of "pick a location" screens, and replaced it with a simple "venue name and address" pair of lines. So go ahead and submit a Fark Party. They're a great way to meet new people, and, being Farkers, you show up already having something in common.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Fire and fury - 148
North Korea - 1461
Guam -608
Charlottesville - 788
Bacon - 261
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
The_Y2P_Problem translated things for people who wait until the book becomes a movie
Mr. Coffee Nerves explained the origins of a ruling in Alabama that a law barring teacher-student sex is unconstitutional
Dubwise shared a tweet about the white nationalist rally
duppy explained what was happening in a photo of white nationalists
Richard Freckle shared some bathroom banter
debug spotted the ghost of Ned Stark in an episode of "Game of Thrones"
Chariset explained why people aren't calling attacks "radical white male conservative terrorism"
eKonk shared the Google memo writer's side of the story
JesusIsNowBlind unwisely accepted a dare
hinten shared some tweets about gender stereotypes
 
Smartest:
Grand_Moff_Joseph thought that there was a double standard in police response to gatherings
Chariset explained why people aren't calling attacks "radical white male conservative terrorism"
blastoh asked why a certain phrase wasn't being used
Pocket Ninja explained white supremacists
WilderKWight posted a comparison of a couple of flags
LordZorch isn't interested in going to a vegan restaurant
thismomentinblackhistory shared a tweet about a photo of white nationalists
rooftop235 was upset about a vegan restaurant's "man tax"
AdmirableSnackbar reacted to a police officer wanting to have a boxing match with a gym owner
ralphjr compared two racist crowds
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers
Funny: GrahamManning commented on  Donald Trump's competency
Smart: Mrs.Sharpier answered the question, "Are you hot or not?"
Funny: Timanous explained how a Farker's hand was cut while changing a tire
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Your nemesis
Smartest: Man_Without_A_Hat shared his dad's instructions on dealing with a bully
Funniest:Lizara is in a fight to the death with a sibling
 
Politics Funniest:
Epoch_Zero shared a fact about Voyager 1
JustToLetYouKnowFriend showed that all Trump's signature is missing is a bunch of eyes
dv-ous made an unsettling discovery about "generic white guys"
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That continued to live up to the Fark handle
Grungehamster begged Vox for help
 
Politics Smartest:
Confabulat was in favor of damaging Trump
kronicfeld was impressed by one of Donald Trump's tweets
scottydoesntknow wanted to be sure everyone noticed a note about an article's author
mongbiohazard admired Mueller's competency
naughtyrev suspected that Trump was being dishonest
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
ionthrust gave  a biker chick a bunch of lively friends
RedZoneTuba showed a panda getting some takeout
Herb Utsmelz upgraded a television set
Surly U. Jest gave Putin something he's been missing
RedZoneTuba redesigned a Fleetwood Mac album cover
zeon made a pretty cool tunnel
retrophil showed this hippie what It was missing
maxandgrinch made the most of this fighter's cool moves
ionthrust helped Totoro stay dry
Iggie found a passionate pianist
ionthrust discovered a tricky tunnel
 
Farktography:
orionid won Farktography Contest No. 640: "Zootography" with "A Face Only a Mother Could Love"
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe)
 
Fark's Headlines of the Week just posted on the main page earlier today, but we're including more great headlines from the last week in the Fark NotNewsletter. There are a lot of fantastic headlines submitted each week that don't quite make the cut!  Votes determine the top ten headlines in Main and Politics and the top three in the rest of the tabs.  Vote early, vote often to make sure the headlines *you* like most are the ones that get recognized!  
 
Actual Headlines of the Week here!
 
Headlines that *almost* made the cut here: 
 
MAIN
 
You can walk to work or you can take the subway. If you try to do both you're going to cause trouble 
 
Christian Millau, the godfather of the Nouvelle Cuisine movement, dead at the age of 88. Will be buried in an oversized white coffin with a single orchid 
 
Earthquake, tsunami, nuclear meltdown and now unexploded WWII bomb. If we get Godzilla next then I win Fukushima Bingo
 
Don't you hate it when you're jogging and someone doesn't move out of your way? So does this guy 
 
Dallas mother demands that solar eclipse 2017 event be moved to the school holidays - "Did this lady just ask to reschedule the sun?"  
 
SPORTS 
 
Meh: Estonian soccer team scores 15 seconds into the match. Fark: Without touching the ball. In other news, the Patriots figure they're good to score this way four times against the Jets this year  
 
GEEK 
 
100-year-old Antarctic fruitcake found in 'excellent condition' and ready to be regifted  
 
ENTERTAINMENT 
 
Stephen Lang won't let something as trivial as being dead prevent him from being in the Avatar sequels 
 
Game Of Thrones' battles are historically realistic. Apart from the dragons, of course  
 
POLITICS 
 
Madlibs, Brexit Edition: ___________ industry worth _______ to the UK economy is looking to relocate to ___________ 
 
Close now counts for horseshoes, hand grenades, and ISPs 
 
OK, A) the State Department isn't in charge of the military, and B) "pre-emptive," by definition, requires surprise
 
Trump admin shuts down the burdensome regulation of testing truck drivers and train conductors for sleep apnea, because the free market will decide whether we need alert drivers on our roads 
 
Today the DOJ announced a new initiative to...I can't even bear to look...*peeks between fingers* set guidelines on what forensic examiners can say about the accuracy and reliability of their tests to eliminate "Junk science" testimony? Oh, carry on  
 
BUSINESS 
 
Lobstermen Unionize. Meanwhile, Avengers still freelancing, JLA still trying to organize, and Defenders just haven't got their shiat together yet  
 
DISCUSSION 
 
It's getting a bit weird in the Saturday Morning Book Club today. What's the weirdest thing you've ever read ... and would you recommend it? 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can become a TotalFarker here.

________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis:   
 
Question of the Week: Why Does Fark Not Use CNN's Logo For CNN Links?
 
Fark history is basically just a long string of one weird anecdote after another.  About three years ago, we replaced CNN's logo with a series of homebrew meme images.  Here's the backstory.
 
It comes as no shock to regular Fark readers that Fark is regularly used as a resource by pretty much every morning radio show, late night talk show, and weird news podcast/video whatever, you name it.  Which is great; we love it!  The trouble is, Fark rarely gets mentioned on these shows, which is unfortunate because it helps Fark out tons to get publicity - with the major exception of NPR'"s Wait Wait Don't Tell Me," who has been awesome mentioning us on a regular basis since the show started.
 
To all you folks out there who work on these shows - no one minds that you say you saw stories on Fark, especially me!  Tell everyone!
 
Over the years, we've had weird issues crop up with mainstream media TV shows.  For example, about 10 years ago, "Best Week Ever" had a website where they were straight up lifting Fark taglines and articles verbatim without attribution.  I contacted "Best Week Ever" about this, and they immediately scrubbed their website (but not before we made a backup copy) - which wasn't at all what I wanted!  I would have much preferred they kept using Fark material but mention us in the process.  I was hoping for a partnership of some kind, but so it goes.
 
So here's what happened to the CNN logo.
 
Waaaaay back in 2014, CNN started a show called "It's Not News," which was pretty much all weird news stuff.  I don't ever claim that Fark has domain over all weird/offbeat news by a longshot, but "It's Not News, It's Fark.com" happens to be one of our slogans and that was a bit close.  So I contacted them, not to ask them to change anything, but to ask if maybe we could get a Fark segment or a shout out or something on the show.  Or help them out some other way.  A little cross-pollination of audiences never hurts.
 
Anyhow, apparently the inquiry got punted to CNN's legal department, which angrily wrote back and said they were going to scrap the show completely - which was not what I was asking for! CNN Legal also seemed a bit vindictive in their response, probably because they mistakenly thought Fark was forcing them to scrap the show or something, and as a parting shot they demanded Fark stop using the CNN logo.  Why?  No idea, pretty much every other news site out there demands that we do use their logos.  But fine. We complied.
 
I figured at some point someone else at CNN Corporate would notice and ask around about their logo having gone missing, because I'd bet the farm that CNN Legal didn't ask CNN Corporate before demanding Fark take down their logo.  This has happened dozens of times before with other networks as it turns out, overzealous attorneys demand we remove a logo, we comply, then corporate contacts us to ask what happened to the logo.  But we're three years in at this point, so I guess they're not going to ask us to put their logo back.  I suspect CNN Corporate probably has no idea all this went down in the first place.    However it did give us the opportunity to use our nifty "Missing Plane Network" and "Don Lemon Party" logos among others, which was nice.
 
So that's what happened to the CNN logo.  And on that note, if anyone would like to submit a replacement CNN logo for future use, Fark logos are 154x54 in size.  Feel free to send some in!  And we'll be sure to give you a shout-out for it! 
 
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
________________________
 
So that's the full story of our weird CNN source tags. Do you have a website that we link to that needs a proper tag? Here's how to submit your source icon to Fark.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Local milk people - 49
Cosmopolitan bias - 52
Bacon - 336
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
bearded clamorer figured out the Fark-related origins of another Farker's butt tattoo
HawgWild shared a positive observation about Martin Shkreli
Psychopusher had an idea of the location of a hedgehog
nekom figured something out about the Canadian court system
redmid17 explained the popularity of "shipping" among fandom
Dimensio lamented body cameras on police officers
Ron Vibbentrop shared a thought about monsters under the bed
davidphogan was upset about a heatwave in Portland, Oregon
Gordon Bennett shared a case of mistaken identity
fusillade762 noticed that a problem on a Facebook page seemed familiar
 
Smartest:
HawgWild shared a positive observation about Martin Shkreli
NutWrench explained why a statute of limitations should not have run out
NutWrench thought the writer of an article was wrong about some guy's essay about his curvy wife
netizencain noted a lack of perspective at the NYPD
UberDave defended Pizza Hut
SpaceyCat argued in favor of certain dumbassery
Munden explained the precedent that decided a court case
hubiestubert had advice for someone who's bothered by tattoos
sithon thought some information was missing from an article
holdmybones thought that derailing a bioterrorism response drill didn't make someone the hero she imagined it did
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers
Funny: JerseyTim got a new kitchen tool and did a little research
Funny & Smart: CommieTaoist shared something deeply personal
Funny: EggFool noticed what another Farker was driven to
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Signs
Smartest: tenalquot had a crush on a married woman
Funniest: L.D. Ablo disappointed Officer Andy
 
Politics Funniest:
kronicfeld told us what Scaramucci will be doing now
mrshowrules was sad that Scaramucci missed out on an essential experience
carkiller was affected by Scaramucci's departure
WalkingCarpet noticed a lack of chaos in the Trump administration
Etchy333 shared a political cartoon
 
Politics Smartest:
TommyDeuce took a guess at why Scaramucci had to leave
NeedlesslyCanadian thought there was one main reason behind Trump's actions
Ambivalence tried to explain things to Tomi Lahren
Marcus Aurelius figured out why people complain that Mueller has conflicts of interest
Hobodeluxe imagined what would have happened if Obama had called the White House "a real dump"
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Yammering_Splat_Vector found that the fire department doesn't just use dalmatians
ionthrust found Monorail Cat's cousin
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us what a real mushroom cloud looks like
zeon made this fellow a little taller
Driver ordered the ACME Coyote Launcher
FarkingIceHole heard you like archers
Wrongo gave this train somewhere to go
ionthrust created a morphing cubeball
Alligator showed that even firefighting is automated nowadays
Yammering_Splat_Vector can now travel through spacetime
StainedGlassRuby really likes stained glass
 
Farktography:
CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 639: "Fire Hydrants" with a well-hydrated hydrant
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe)
 
Headlines of the Week!  Thanks for voting!
 
Note that there are ten Politics headlines instead of three this week - we're getting so many politics submissions that it's only fair that more Politics headlines get noticed.  Voting for the funniest / cleverest / Fark-worthy headlines regardless of the story is especially important here because it's easy to just vote for headlines you agree with. 
 
Here are a few of the headlines that *didn't* make it to the top - there's a lot of good ones that get overlooked.  Make sure you vote for the headlines you like when you see them!  Funniest, cleverest, makes you laugh, makes it Fark - we want to highlight the best headlines, not just the headlines for stories you like.  Thank you again!  Vote early, vote often :) 
 
MAIN 
 
Secret spy radio station, that no one admits operating, still transmits from somewhere inside Russia. Set your shortwave radio to 4625 kHz and your Putin Magic Decider badge to "A=A" and copy the secret message sent by Vlad, himself
 
SPORTS 
 
Dropped ball leads to Cubs World Series ring for Steve Bartman. Also the plot of upcoming Rookie of the Year sequel 
 
GEEK 
 
The worst whiskies in the world. "With tasting notes including acryllic paint, burnt tree and wet cardboard, lovers of a good dram should steer well clear" (possible Not safe for work content on page) 
 
ENTERTAINMENT
 
If each state were a Game of Thrones character. California is Tommen Baratheon: Blond and easily duped, powerful but clumsy, impressed by boobs and wacky religions
 
POLITICS 
 
Progressive darling and former congressman, Alan Grayson (D) achieves level 21 chaotic evil by bankrupting his ex-wife and evicting her and their kids. Lolth approves Putin turns in three cards. Reinforces Belarus. NATO flips table 
 
BUSINESS
 
In the wake of their sexual assault and sexual harassment scandals, Uber's board forced out Travis Kalanick and decided it was time for a female CEO. After months of searching, their shortlist is now down to these three men 
 
DISCUSSION 
 
Aside from a smug sense of superiority and far too many hops, what does it mean to be a craft beer? Also, here are six craft beers to try this month 
 
And here are some of the headlines that did make it: Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2017-07-30 to Sat 2017-08-05: 
 
MAIN 
 
"Ladies and Gentlemen, update from the flight deck. That 'whoosh' sound you may have heard was the North Korean ICBM that just detonated a few minutes behind us" 
 
SPORTS 
 
Jon Jones reclaims UFC title, returns to Mars to continue manhunting 
 
GEEK 
 
Scientists discover unknown virus in 'throwaway' DNA. No mention of tissues or socks 
 
ENTERTAINMENT 
 
Sofia Vergara poses completely nude for Women's Health and Millie Vanilli Chilli Willie because you're not reading this anymore. Not safe for church 
 
POLITICS 
 
The National Security Council has a job opening for somebody better than Ezra 
 
BUSINESS 
 
Growing trend of "curse-free" pubs in England is not going over well. "Golly gee, this misguided idea has really made me quite upset and unable to express myself in the preferred fashion of which I'm accustomed to," said one customer
 
DISCUSSION 
 
Let's Get Graphic: 100 Favorite Comics And Graphic Novels by NPR. Rampant Tree Huggers to the Left, Personal Opinion that you formed Ten Years Ago to the Right
 
Here are the rest of the Fark Headlines of The Week for Sun 2017-07-30 to Sat 2017-08-05

Things have been pretty chaotic lately, making it hard to tell what changes are in store for us. On Monday, we were told we were losing something we didn't know we loved until it was going away. We prepared to say goodbye, then celebrated when the powers that be changed their minds. Let this be a lesson to us all to appreciate the things we have, because they can be gone in the blink of an eye.
 
________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis:  
 
Well, it's August - the time of year when most East Coast folks go on family vacations.  Not here in Kentucky though, school starts in a week and a half.  I think it's because they're padding the schedule in anticipation of snow days, but I'm not sure.
 
At any rate, a few Farkers have dropped into Kentucky this summer for a beer or two.  As a result, I've recently been thinking about all the weird attractions we have in the state.  Not only do we have dozens of bourbon distilleries and horse farms, but we've also got Abraham Lincoln's fake birthplace, a Wigwam Motel, a life-sized plastic dinosaur zoo, caves, and a 200-year-old monastery.   Among other weird things.
 
I've been wondering, what weird roadside attractions exist in other states?  Feel free to mention some in the comments section for the NotNewsletter.
 
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
________________________
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
MS Paint - 42
Eyebrows - 147
Transgender - 1234
Pickle - 326
Bacon - 479
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
RomeoEightJuliet isn't saying that Minneapolis cops are jumpy, but...
Ant defended a group of police officers
nekom is way more intellectual than you are
Earguy liked the idea of Snopes merging with another website
whidbey reacted to an article about a company implanting microchips in employees
Mike_LowELL would not put up with silly opinions about "The Simpsons"
LordOfThePings showed a representation of jumpy Minneapolis cops
RomeoEightJuliet found an expert on how USS Ford's magnetic technology works
Mad_Radhu provided an alternative anti-meth poster
Short Victoria's War explained what happens to the microchip your employer implants in you after you leave that job
 
Bonus FarkStaff Pick:  
HoratioGates proposed some distinct spellings of popular culture references to avoid confusion
 
Smartest:
mama2tnt liked the signs warning of easily startled police in Minneapolis
blastoh fought back against annoyed baby boomers
goatleggedfellow commented on an article about child support
timujin thought an officer's behavior was out of line
Action Replay Nick had some insight into what Charlie Gard's parents are going through
Pelvic Splanchnic Ganglion thought some warning signs were helpful
mgshamster discussed the best way to fight drug addiction
Anastacya imagined one outcome of Ken Ham's attempt to avoid paying taxes
Barfmaker disagreed with a statement about some questionable shirts that some cops were wearing
Doc Daneeka discussed what the internet hath wrought
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers
Funny:  farkingismybusiness comforted a TotalFarker whose depressed spouse was drunk on mouthwash
Funny: Adjective Bird Whiskey nearly died
Smart: megarian explained why it's important to have a florist deliver arrangements every week
 
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Take this job and shove it
Smartest: docpeteyJ survived a nasty confrontation while working
Funniest: GRCooper's sister noped right out
 
Politics Funniest:
Cheesehead_Dave shared someone's story about regret
markie_farkie shared a tweet that probably had a short self life
Clutch2013 had a message for Mitch McConnell
Cheesehead_Dave guessed at the reason for Trump's ban of trans people in the military
nekom defended Donald Trump
 
Politics Smartest:
WalkingCarpet reacted to Trump's transgender ban tweets
scottydoesntknow knew another reason for Trump's trans ban
danielem1 was upset with John McCain
cretinbob saw Donald Trump's decision against trans people going one way
markie_farkie smelled a leak
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
doyner said goodbye to MS Paint
Yammering_Splat_Vector made a poster for the next Coen Brothers film
ionthrust gave us the Hitchcock musical we never knew we needed
Wrongo found that MS Paint needed some cheering up
ionthrust found a long-lost Monty Python movie
RedZoneTuba made Bono into an F-hole (I looked it up and I swear that's what they're called)
Surly U. Jest got Buster Keaton's doll a pilot's license
Thrakkorzog somehow made this '70s stock photo even worse
Surly U. Jest showed us a common sight in Florida
Surly U. Jest seemed okay with the idea of losing MS Paint
 
Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 638: "Statuary 2" ended in a three-way between henryhill's nailed person, Ldrtchbrd's lady's backside and Eddie Adams from Torrance's slender man
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe)
 
Thanks for voting!  We had an overwhelming winner this week - Well, in Washington they say - that the McCain's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then - the true meaning of healthcare came through, and the McCain found the strength of *ten* McCains, plus two 
 
We have so many good headlines though that don't make it to the top, so I pulled one or two extra from each tab to show in the NotNewsletter.  Enjoy!
 
Discussion
 
Fark knew it all along
 
Business
 
Netflix takes out $750M line of credit to expand-- did they mean by purchasing Trader Joe's? Otherwise, Bezos is going to wipe them out by selling both the videos and the snacks. It's a new game, people
 
Politics
 
Trump may be able to fire Sessions without actually firing Sessions by pulling a double switch. We wouldn't be having this discussion if the Executive Branch would just adopt the designated hitter already
 
John McCain: Now you run on home to your constituents, and tell them... tell them everything's all right. And there aren't any more repeal bills in the valley. *gets on his horse and rides back to AZ*
 
Entertainment
 
Gene Simmons laments that "generations" of music fans won't pay for music. Translation: Nobody wants to buy new KISS albums anymore
 
Geek
 
The next step in the search for aliens is a huge telescope and a ton of math
 
Sports
 
With less than a week before the MLB trade deadline, a look at why teams sometimes go crazy in the last week of July, and why sometimes, going crazy works
 
Main
 
Regular alcohol consumption could cut diabetes risk. Difficulty: moderation
 
"Robots definitely don't have to look human in order to be sexual." Fine, furries, you win this round
 
The rest of the Fark Headlines of the Week are here.

Last week, an article about website visitors somehow put Fark on a list of sites with the most educated audiences. Farkers reacted to that news like you would expect us to: with celebration, doubt, and a whole lot of self deprecation. Oh, and dick jokes. Overall, a pretty fun thread.
 
Of course we already knew we were a bunch of smartasses.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
A curious poodle sits nearby watching - 18
O.J. Simpson - 26
Anthony Scaramucci - 213
Pardon - 815
Bacon - 266
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
You Are All Sheep would have prevented a tragedy
kbronsito knew of some experts who could fix the sinking Millennium Tower
naughtyrev argued in favor of a literal interpretation of the Bible
optikeye showed us a foolproof way to fix the Millennium Tower
Ocean_Pimp revealed O.J. Simpson's plans once he's out of prison
Sid_6.7 answered a question from "Blazing Saddles"
mooseyfate pointed out why "Dunkirk" is a terrible movie
UnrepentantApostate got confused when trying to defend a cop
someonelse pointed out one thing that will change with the new Doctor Who
Anastacya reacted to a guy with a stupid face tattoo turning down job offers
 
Smartest:
Silverstaff shared some evidence that the Biblical flood never happened
Shadow Blasko gave advice that we're seeing a lot these days on Fark
doyner discussed the collapse of the American empire
moothemagiccow thought it was too soon to say justice is being served
Dimensio guessed at why a police officer was looking through someone's vehicle
guestguy reacted to some information about officers' body cameras and dashcam
Fark It argued that some behavior isn't normal, even for stupid kids
Giant Clown Shoe argued that racism might not be behind police shootings
gaspode commented on a police officer appearing to plant evidence
Cpl.D had something to say about "strong core values"
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Summer camp
Smartest: vudukungfu worked at a summer camp
Funniest: L.D. Ablo enjoyed scaring young boys
 
Politics Funniest:
Ocean_Pimp showed us Sean Spicer's reaction to Anthony Scaramucci's hiring
HawgWild shared a convincing argument from Spicer
lordjupiter told us what will result from Spicer's resignation
Eddie Adams from Torrance knew how liberals will feel when the Russia collusion investigation is finished
Badmoodman shared a tweet about Spicer's resignation
 
Politics Smartest:
Badmoodman shared a tweet about Spicer's resignation
enry thought a man's staircase construction went as one would expect
Mad Scientist pointed out a flaw in Donald Trump's argument
Exluddite found a comparison for Trump's "but Hillary" arguments
Grand_Moff_Joseph reacted to the "repeal and replace in two years" plan
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Circusdog320's new water park ride really stinks
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave Pootie Poot a place to rest his feet
SkunkWorx made hieroglyphics even harder to decipher
Wrongo created the water park ride of shame
bark_atda_moon found something even worse than a gremlin on the wing of your plane
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel showed us how Gonzo paid for college
RedZoneTuba turned a water ride into an air ride (Oh, the humanity!)
Iggie engineered a double-ended fountain
manyone showed that this Muppet is gone-zo
Yammering_Splat_Vector found one of the guys who keeps abducting me
 
Farktography:
SoupGuru won Farktography Contest No. 637: "Come and Sit with Me" with a very leafy park
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe)
 
You can see the Fark Headlines of the Week here.

Last week was a whole bunch of Donald Trump Jr. news. Oh, so very much Donald Trump Jr. news. If that's not your cup of tea, there was also a very messy eel truck accident, the reveal of a female (gasp!) Doctor Who, and today happens to be the 12th anniversary of the Grey Wave thread. Unfortunately, most of the images from the Grey Wave thread are lost to time. Maybe Doctor Who can bring them back.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Donald Trump Jr. - 570
Doctor Who - 191
Game of Thrones - 102
Florida - 488
Nope - 857
Bacon - 408
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
AOW shared a story about a run-in with a cottonmouth while fishing
scottydoesntknow posted some Ron Swanson in a Home Depot thread
bearded clamorer got an expert's opinion on the eel truck crash in Oregon
CipollinaFan defended a cop who shot two pit bulls
Cdr.Murdock told us how a new space army will be financed
Eddie Adams from Torrance gave Trump some credit
Giant Clown Shoe explained why police officers shouldn't be afraid
cowgirl toffee knew the right photographer for a couple's wedding day and night
Eddie Adams from Torrance thought Mosul didn't look so bad
fusillade762 had a suggestion when the Marco Polo building was on fire
 
Smartest:
TruBluTroll found some problems with an article about a child's death
wejash talked about how lawyers feel when they're pulled over for driving while black
nekom had a suggestion for someone who was fired by Home Depot
doyner thought a state attorney should have waited before identifying herself
fusillade762 had advice for handling things if a loved one with mental illness is in trouble
bingethinker thought a mother had a point about perfect attendance awards
tacos4jesus tries not to be a raving d-bag to employees
a_room_with_a_moose told us how to double your problems
BolloxReader discussed problems in socialist countries
fusillade762 commented on the need to punish people for posting about atheism online
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers
Funny: Spoon over Marin figured out which campground a Farker's visiting that has swastika-shaped ashtrays
Smart: PolloDiablo gave some good self-negating advice
Funny: Candygram4Mongo continued a musical headline about side dishes for ham
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Your day in court
Smartest: Keyth avoided going to jail, but didn't get to go free
Funniest: L.D. Ablo witnessed a courtroom dress code violation
 
Politics Funniest:
doyner found out what's on Donald Trump Jr.'s mind
netringer predicted Mike Pence's future
null let us know whether or not it's happening
WalkingCarpet shared Donald Trump's defense to collusion accusations
blastoh thought Donald Trump Jr. might as well keep on hunting
 
Politics Smartest:
Gubbo savored some irony
spongeboob pointed out the bias of The American College of Pediatricians
markie_farkie had hopes for the Trump family
roc6783 had a prediction about Joe Scarborough after leaving the GOP
cretinbob explained the difference between -gate and -ghazi
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba updated a classic arcade game
Colour_out_of_Space found the beauty in a terrifying beast
Yammering_Splat_Vector created the world's worst accessories
Stantz gave us a reason to stay out of the mountains
Vaginosilicosis freaked out some aliens
Alligator made a minifig into a different kind of warrior
stertz showed us why dragons breathe fire
grampy made a baddie into a saddie
ionthrust created an ice dragon
Dumski put a pinhead in charge
 
Farktography:
MorningBreath won Farktography Contest No. 636: "Flower Power 4: Moar Flowers" with a wet, pink daisy
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Wednesday, July 19th: 5th Annual Farks In The Wild at the Buffalo, NY Zoo
Wednesday, July 19th: Hop-Con 5.0 at Stone Brewing - Liberty Station in San Diego
 
If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe) 
 
World's largest Ferris Wheel (630' high) nears completion in Dubai. Because when it's 110 degrees outside, why not try to get closer to the sun?
 
I suppose this explains why I never got the Beelzebubble-Bath I ordered back in 1983
 
Retail stores run scared as Amazon quickly approaches in the rear view mirror
 
Here are the weirdest laws in every state. How many have you violated?
 
Stuntman on the Walking Dead dies in fall on set. Doesn't rule out returning to the show
 
George R.R. Martin to spend even less time writing "The Winds of Winter"
 
BBC to reveal the new worst Doctor ever on Sunday
 
Enter Groundskeeper
 
♫ ♪ My Donnie lies over the Russians / My Donnie lies over the pee / My Donnie lies over and over / Stop straining our credulity ♪ ♫ 
 
RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSheyIA RUthisSSIA RUSSIseemsA RlikeUSSIA RUSaSIA RgoodUSSIA RUSStimeIA RUtoSSIA RUSSItryA RUStoSIA RpassUSSIA RUSStrumpcareIA RUSSIA RUSSIA
 
Trump has an "enemies list" so extensive he makes Nixon look like a devout Quaker by comparison 
 
Jesus, Jesus
 
Chesapeake Bay area residents warned of waterspouts coming on shore. Eensy weensy spiders hardest hit
 
80-person human chain saves family from drowning. Link to the left, link to the right 
 
Quebec man wants to legalize squirrel hunt- ÉCUREUIL 
 
Tinder moments lead to old fashioned courtship

There are a couple of big Fark Parties coming up next week - the annual "Farks in the Wild" Fark Party in the Buffalo Zoo and Hop-Con, the W00tstout release party in San Diego. Can't make it to either of these? Plan a Fark Party in your area (or someone else's area if you'll be visiting... giggity). Planning a Fark Party isn't hard - just pick a place and a time, submit the party, and then attend the party once it's time. If you've never been to a Fark Party, you should try it out. Farkers don't usually bite unless you ask them to.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Chris Christie - 218
Beach - 454
Vladimir Putin - 1117
Bacon - 323
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
Old Man Winter shared a classic fact about The Flat Earth Society
Non Sequitur Man shared an image mocking Chris Christie
Grumpy Cat saw the real reason Chris Christie isn't running for reelection
thorpe summed up the situation with North Korea
hodge-podge shared the true version of that "Footprints in the Sand" poem
Nogrhi responded to a study claiming you can take the fight against prostate cancer into your own hands
groppet shared incontrovertible proof that the earth is not flat
HighOnCraic showed us what's really happening at that beach that Chris Christie's family had to themselves
Etchy333 took a closer look at a photo that possibly shows what happened to Amelia Earhart
Number 216 showed Chris Christie hanging out at a cafe
 
Smartest:
wejash figured out why Hobby Lobby isn't in more trouble
ImpendingCynic wondered something about scumbags
Satanic_Hamster reacted to Chris Christie's beach bogarting
gilgigamesh compared the owners of Hobby Lobby to the Taliban
basemetal offered some advice
fusillade762 asked a question about Hobby Lobby's activities
sirrerun discussed the things "Christian money" can be spent on
Registered just to post this wasn't a fan of the way an article was written
Marcus Aurelius commented on the things that people will believe
Prey4reign doesn't feel sorry for Chris Christie anymore
 
TotalFark Discussion:
 Note: This comment can only be accessed by TotalFarkers
Funny: Another TotalFarker's fashion rules prompted Solty Dog to ask a question
 
 
Politics Funniest:
ralphjr found a picture of what Trump fans were so upset about on Independence Day
fusillade762 wished America a very special happy birthday
nekom explained why Oath Keepers were so protective (though it's the wrong state)
boxbot2000 shared Bill O'Reilly's suggestive tweet about the Trump/Putin meeting
paulsetas suffers from indecision
 
Politics Smartest:
LarryDan43 imagined Chelsea Clinton working for the White House
SoupGuru talked about the country being farked up
blastoh commented on Trump's tweet that showed him wrestling CNN
bloobeary was concerned about Donald Trump's behavior
Wookie_Jesus thought that the idiots who were angry about NPR's tweets actually follow NPR
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba saw Mitch McConnell enjoying a day off
Yammering_Splat_Vector had a special wish for Independence Day
RedZoneTuba did the "Petticoat Junction" thing
Herb Utsmelz flashed back to a classic fast food commercial
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel wanted an Independence Day homecoming
Surly U. Jest gave some guy an awesome back tattoo
SkunkWorx found a special message for Mike Pence
Mojongo showed us why Mike Pence isn't allowed to be alone with women who aren't his wife
Iggie gave us some beefcake to check out
abhorrent1 showed Rambo doing more extreme photography
 
Farktography:
orionid won Farktography Contest No. 635: "Take a Walk on the Wild Side" with some colorful fall foliage
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Wednesday, July 19th: 5th Annual Farks In The Wild at the Buffalo, NY Zoo
Wednesday, July 19th: Hop-Con 5.0 at Stone Brewing - Liberty Station in San Diego
 
If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.