I had this whole intro thing planned out to write this  morning, but I've been looking at photos and videos of dogs instead. I'm sure you understand. I mean, this is pretty important. If not me, when who? If not now, then when? Please feel free to post your dogs and other cute non-humans in the NotNewsletter comments section today and check in whenever you need some smiles.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
grokca was surprised by the murder of a Klan imperial wizard
Im_Gumby showed the billionaire who paid the student loan debt of an entire graduating class
gerbilpox had doubts when a woman dressed as Captain Marvel proposed to a woman dressed as Wonder Woman
Dr.Fey figured out the secret to happiness
some_beer_drinker replied to Dan Aykroyd's claim that space aliens want to hook up with Earth women
scottydoesntknow thought that a man's plan to check the accuracy of a pizza tracking app sounded familiar
theDesertHamster requested help in a thread about a woman who missed her "minute man"
davidphogan was being sabotaged in a thread about boner-hiding swim trunks
FirstNationalBastard showed someone who was alarmed by another Farker's comment
Autoerotic Defenestration revealed how long lines on Mount Everest are being dealt with

Smart:
Magorn argued that climbing Mount Everest isn't worth the trouble
NewportBarGuy found where some money could be saved so kids could be fed
edmo commented about gun training classes for 6-year-olds
Pocket Ninja recommended a television series to HBO subscribers
Prank Call of Cthulhu discussed owning a gun for protection
Destructor remarked on how spoiled World of Warcraft players are
Garza and the Supermutants defended Elon Musk's zany plans
Mugato had something to say about millennials and Gen Z blaming things on baby boomers
mactheknife had a request on behalf of Gen X
Cagey B summed up the ending of "Game of Thrones" (spoilers, obviously)

CSB Sunday Morning:  Black sheep of the family
Smart:  Herr Morgenstern described becoming the black sheep of part of the family
Funny: There weren't any real stories that got many funny votes this time ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Old Man Winter revealed what the little white things are in a Farker's can of crushed tomatoes
Funny: reagabeast didn't share a story about misunderstanding how babby is formed
Funny: Ass_Master_Flash has a Ted Nugent cover band with a interesting name
Smart: Raddamant gave the standard TotalFark Discussion advice for relationship problems
Funny: Shostie showed a photo of the new kitten that was abandoned by its mother

Politics Funny:
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat explained what "| _ . o () (.) (o) () () () () () () ()" meant in a Fark headline
Mike_LowELL revealed "the real heroes of the conservative movement"
NeoCortex42 found out who Donald Trump's fashion inspiration is
blastoh suggested a potential running mate for Joe Biden
vrax noticed an accurate description of a Trump supporter who was interviewed by New York Times

Politics Smart:
D_PaulAngel discussed what the military means to different people
KarmicDisaster argued that Iran isn't the only potential thread in the Middle East
Marcus Aurelius agreed that the Mueller investigation was just an attempt by the Democrats to take down Trump
Ivo Shandor traded accusations of wrongdoing
Weaver95 discussed whether or not Merrick Garland can be objective when presiding over an appeal involving Trump


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Alligator gave Pootie Poot a sweet new ride
Yammering_Splat_Vector revealed a Vulcan falling in love at first sight
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us why we say that statues are erected
Alligator turned half this man into two-thirds of this man
Don_cos showed Dorothy giving something a try just in case
hail2daking discovered that some relationships never change
RedZoneTuba used a Speak & Spell as a calculator
RedZoneTuba found out why this dog is so angry
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave John Bolton his angel wings
RedZoneTuba gave Popeye a dangerous new secret weapon

Farktography:
Ennuipoet won Farktography Contest No. 733: "Stripes 2" with a stunning sky

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, June 20 & Saturday, June 22: Buffalo, NY Fark Party events - Shakespeare in the Park (Thursday) & Brewers Festival (Saturday)

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone!  Happy pre-Memorial Day to you all.  Hope you have some fun plans. Mine all involve being outdoors as much as possible.  I've threatened my kids with me sitting in a kiddie pool in the backyard winging empty beer cans at them and the neighbors. They think I'm kidding.  We'll see if it turns into a good idea or not.

Last Friday I managed to get TotalFark Office Hours in for the second week in a row, which is some kind of record.  We talked about issues with linking and not linking to paywall sites such as the Washington Post and New York Times, and other sites like Raw Story that appear to just be scraping content.  The decision to link them or not link them isn't as clear cut as you might think (although there's a strong consensus that Raw Story should get the boot). How so? Sign up for TotalFark and find out, the thread is still there (and I've included it in this NotNewsletter as well).   

I'm planning on doing another office hours on Friday, we should have a new topic this week.  Assuming I'm not out in the back yard already. I bet I could drag a laptop out there. Anyhow we'll see how it goes.  Remember kids, don't stand in fire, while swimming don't drown, and don't taunt the Dynamite Monkey.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
LewDux changed a photo to include underboob (this image is probably awkward for work)
WickerNipple explained why a truck sprayed rainbows everywhere
Pocket Ninja explained how we could tell that a story about a pre-wedding catastrophe was real
NeoCortex42 showed how things really went down in King's Landing ("Game of Thrones" spoilers)
Im_Gumby gave advice on determining the popularity of a revealing style of swimsuit
scottydoesntknow knew what Arnold Schwarzenegger needed to do after being kicked in the back
JerseyTim shared a statement from George R. R. Martin distancing himself from the "Game of Thrones" final season (spoilers)
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That explained why parents put cameras in their son's room
markie_farkie had a really gross idea 🤮
GRCooper was sad about the passing of Tim Conway

Smart:
sassyfrancis had a solution for a teen whose parents put cameras in his room to keep him from touching himself
markie_farkie had a really gross idea 🤮
Great_Milenko reacted to the penultimate episode of "Game of Thrones"
Al Sicandar defended men who are afraid of women or who pretend to be afraid of women
sigdiamond2000 generalized the generalizers
Cagey B explained the problem with massage parlors that engage in prostitution
DOCTORD000M helped out an article writer with writing about pro-immunization doctors
theflatline discussed the U.S. Supreme Court ruling against Apple
tothekor commented on the options for a prisoner in Alabama who became pregnant from an apparent rape
PC LOAD LETTER figured that at least one "Game of Thrones" actor wouldn't mind redoing the final season

CSB Sunday Morning:  Gardening stories
Smart:  wademh chose flowers in a grass neighborhood
Funny:  davidphogan found out who ate all the habaneros from the garden

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: thatguyoverthere70 let us know how to get rid of a bowling ball
Smart: Shadow Blasko argued against blocking Washington Post links on Fark because of their paywall
Funny: Chris Ween answered the question, "What do you use to trim your beard?"
Funny: LineNoise and wife had an adventure with a robe buddy
Funny: Old Man Winter knew how a fellow TotalFarker met a bartender with an unfortunate tattoo

Politics Funny:
Calypsocookie had a warning for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
Precious Roy's Horse Dividers asked a question about Matt Gaetz - if you're confused, apparently that's a reference to this story about Matt Gaetz
Bf+ shared someone's reaction to Donald Trump's claim that he wasn't warned about about Michael Flynn
AdmirableSnackbar was feeling optimistic about the future
fifthofzen summarized Elizabeth Warren's feelings about Fox News

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
Farkers added to the "Family Guy" descriptions of Sean Hannity. Thanks to lindalouwho for nominating this thread for FarkStaff Pick. 

Politics Smart:
dionysusaur gave a reason why males shouldn't have a say in the abortion debate
Weaver95 saw evidence that Vladimir Putin is close to achieving another one of his goals
parasol argued that some males have earned a say in the abortion debate
elysive reassured anyone worried about male babies being aborted
The Goddamn Batman gave a reason why 12-year-old girls don't need to be forced to carry and give birth to their rapists' babies


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel created a toy for M.C. Escher fans
Alligator found an ever-ready candidate for president
RedZoneTuba made a Lego set that people will fight over
durbnpoisn solved the biggest problem with Legos
Thrakkorzog gave a kitten what it really wants to eat
Alligator found Cliff Clavin's long-lost brother
Herb Utsmelz showed that someone really did go out and get a boat
Stantz combined a $91 million rabbit with an M.C. Escher classic to form a whole new work of art
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us what Doggie Heaven might look like
Alligator designed some very Farkish bookends

Farktography:
SoCalChris won Farktography Contest No. 732: "Favorite Things" with silver-white winters that melt into springs

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, June 20: Buffalo, NY Fark Party - Shakespeare in Delaware Park


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Yet another fun time on the quiz, including an interesting discussion on "choose your own job title." Unfortunately no one made the 1000 club this week, so we won't be removing the plastic covers from the furniture. I hate those things, because you can't move around without it sounding like you farted. Anyways, kqc7011 came out on top with 978, followed by Denjiro in second with 952 and Oliver Twisted in third with 915. Tax Boy made fourth with 911, and edmo wraps up the top 5 with 908.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over which game publisher suffered a walkout by employees, who were striking over forced arbitration. Only 16% of Quiztakers knew that Epic Games publishes "League of Legends," which is the most popular online game in the world right now. The "freemium" game actually has 100 million unique players per month, which is about the number of people who saw "Avengers: Endgame" in its opening weekend.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over which former "Jersey Shore" cast member managed to post Instagram updates while in the middle of a prison stint for tax evasion. 83% of quiztakers knew that it was Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino who is currently in the clink. Although if you ever watched the show, you wouldn't be surprised at news that any of the cast members were incarcerated.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over Brad Pitt's brother Doug, and his latest commercial spoofing the ending scene from "Se7en." Only 46% of quiztakers knew that it was beer inside the box - specifically, the Doin' Good Orange Wheat Ale from Mother's Brewing Company. I'm not sure what it says about Fark that 54% of us associated "box" with "wine," but I choose to believe it's because we think of Doug Pitt as a wine kind of guy more than a beer kind of guy. If you missed the commercial (and the hilarious TV-friendly dialogue edits), you can check it out here. 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over Mt. Kilimanjaro and its home country looking at a cable car system to accommodate tourists who wish to see the summit but can't make the climb. 93% of quiztakers proved themselves geographically inclined and knew that the highest point in Africa could be found in Tanzania. Also in Tanzania, you can find the Gombe Stream National Park, where Dr. Jane Goodall talked to chimps and wandered around in the mists. 

If you missed the Quiz, you can catch up on it here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week!

Hey kid, want to get more greenlights? Scroll down to read about Drew's selection criteria for Fark headlines. And in case you missed it, Fark managed to earn the squirrelly wrath of Ben Shapiro last week because of this thread, and a good time was had by all.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
gar1013 would be more cautious in Amanda Knox's position
Man On A Mission shared a very bad line to use on dates
Starkaryen noticed that last week's "Game of Thrones" episode stood out in stark contrast to the previous week's
lack of warmth shared the proper reply for when a cop requests permission to search your phone
jbc had a solution for when your mom plans a surprise bris for your child
feckingmorons had a feeling about charges against a man whose bumper sticker declared his tendency to "eat" booty
Ow! That was my feelings! was fed up with a popular TV show
Pazuzu Smith-Jones was familiar with a dating faux pas
joeparker5433 couldn't make it through an entire article
thatguyoverthere70 made a note about a fellow Farker

Smart:
Miss5280 had a suggestion for helping kids do well in school
Benevolent Misanthrope thought of some reasons people might consent to police searches
armyofbees figured that it's nobody's business what a man is doing with his doll in private
ecmoRandomNumbers suggested a way of changing the way school administrators approach things
Pocket Ninja found something unrealistic in a television show that features dragons, an antagonist who can raise this dead, and a child with psychic powers (spoilers)
The Third Man noted another time police had been warned about someone who was involved in a school shooting
lilbjorn flipped a Fark headline around to explain behavior
grokca looked on the bright side when cheerleaders at a kids' basketball game were criticized for being overly risque
MattytheMouse marveled at the existence of gamergaters
aukie shared a story about an interaction with Apache County, AZ law enforcement

CSB Sunday Morning:    What's your phobia, or, if you don't have one, your biggest "NOPE"?
Smart: Persnickety Paladin learned to manage a fear that arose from a horrible experience
Funny: The Pope of Manwich Village confronted a powerful enemy

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 


TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: sarahthustra was happy for a Farker who criticized the spouse's dishwasher loading
Funny: unremarkable asterisk helped a Farker who needed a "get well soon" card for a golden retriever
Smart: Drew gave the short version of how to get your submission greenlit
Funny: Barry McCockner congratulated someone who claimed to have just married someone after meeting in TotalFark Discussion
Funny: JerseyTim had an idea for how "Game of Thrones" should end

Politics Funny:
Subtonic had an idea of how Drew might have felt about Ben Shapiro complaining about us on Twitter
stir22 found interesting parallels in the election of Donald Trump and another controversial race
JerseyTim figured out what kind of photos Jerry Falwell Jr. needed Michael Cohen to handle
Non Sequitur Man had a message for Ben Shapiro
FortyHams saw that Ben Shapiro just couldn't stop

Politics Smart:
Subtonic had an idea of how Drew might have felt about Ben Shapiro complaining about us on Twitter
Marcus Aurelius disagreed with Jerry Falwell Jr.'s characterization of Mueller's investigation
NeoCortex42 responded to Trump's complaint about attempts to have Mueller testify before the House Judiciary Committee
Weaver95 had a theory on what has contributed to a decline in discipline in the Marine Corps
Jack Sabbath believed that some information about Trump points to him being susceptible to foreign influence


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
verchad showed us that Goose was more of a swan
Yammering_Splat_Vector didn't have any money to lend to Britney and Paris
Circusdog320 made Darth Maul even meaner
Don_cos requested no dark sarcasm in the bathroom
Circusdog320 put a mustache in a strange place (probably awkward to view at work)
durbnpoisn gave Grumpy Cat a new look
Herb Utsmelz found out why money keeps disappearing
RedZoneTuba downgraded Pee-Wee's bicycle
Alligator showed us the power of beer
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel gave us the sequel we've all been waiting for

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 731: "Happy Farktography Anniversary 14" ended in a tie with bobug's gorgeous blue morpho butterfly and Deveyn's little orange fish

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Fark Headline Tips (brought to you by Drew)

Recently, SomeDude210 posted a thread asking if anyone had any tips or best practices for Fark tagline construction.  I thought that was a great idea because even though I've got my personal preferences, that's only half of the process.  Some submitters have discovered over the years that I've got soft spots for certain types of tagline construction, and surprisingly not the ones you'd think necessarily.  For example, even though it shows up a lot on Fark, I don't personally prefer the "Thing happens, do you A) action, B) action 2, or C) What really happened in the article" structured taglines. They'll do in a pinch if nothing else comes along, however.  One of the difficulties we have on the admin side is that once an article appears in the general news cycle, we've only got an hour or two before it's everywhere on social media.  Sometimes we can't wait for the best tagline to be submitted - which incidentally seems to alwayshappen right when I've given up waiting.

I don't personally know all of my selection criteria, and to give an example of what I mean by soft spots, our community manager Unfreakable years ago brought to my attention that he'd noticed that I'd greenlight damn near any tagline along the lines of "Band releases new album, but they suck."  Until he'd pointed it out, I hadn't noticed.  Going forward, I started doing that less often.  I'm sure they still get by me once in a while.  I've got blind spots is what I'm saying.

So let's start with some background on how things work on the Admin side.

There are several admins, but at any given moment, only one of us is designated as the person who's on queue duty.  From about 7 a.m.ish 'til about 5 p.m.ish on weekdays, that person is me.  Over the past 20 years or so, it's usually always been me.  Occasionally I've stepped away for a week or two, but I've discovered that when I step away, I suddenly have no idea what's going on in the world.  Running the Fark queue is the only time I ever consume news, and when I do run the queue, I end up reading everything published in a given day.  To the point where my friends at my local bar have totally given up asking me if I saw the one about etc. because I can usually finish their sentences.  Usually.

In the evenings I start drinking. and that's not a good time to be online for me or anyone else, so I hand it off to one of our West Coast admins, who handles it into the evening Pacific Coast time until our Europe-based admin wakes up in the morning in his home time zone.  His morning is the overnight shift for East Coast time, he handles things until I wake up at 7 a.m. and then it's handed back to me again.  Another admin handles weekends and holidays.  And there are a few other admins who used to be more frequent but are still around to handle things in a pinch, make edits, and so on.  They also do most of the Live thread scheduling

Newsflashes are handled by me if I'm awake.  I can run the entire article queue off my phone wherever I happen to be, so if news breaks late at night and I'm still sober enough to read, one of the mods will text me when we have a newsflash event.  If I'm at a bar, I quickly take bets from my friends to see if anyone can guess what it's about, then I open up the queue and look for the best tagline.  Newsflashes need to get out quickly, so I can only wait about 10-15 minutes before posting something, and some breaking news events are just not funny, so when that happens, I'll just go with whichever tagline on TotalFark has the most comments currently.  I strongly prefer a good riff for a tagline, although with newsflashes, this can spiral out of control as events continue.  For example, when the Notre Dame Cathedral caught fire, I went with "France elects new Pope," which was pretty funny initially, until it became apparent that the situation was much more serious than we first thought.  So it goes.  It's not the first tagline that got messed up by the severity of events and it won't be the last either, I bet.

My philosophy is a Fark tagline's implicit duty is to tell you why you should click on a link.  Most of the time, it's telling you to click because the article is funny.  Sometimes, however, the tagline points out something that the original headline writer missed that is way more important than the article writer realized.

Example: One of my all-time favorites was a multi-page article from I think an Iowa news outlet about a man who had a premonition that he was about to die, so he recorded a series of videos saying goodbye to his friends and loved ones - and then he actually died.  For the first few pages, the article was fairly heartwarming.  He said goodbye to his wife and his kids and his friends, and so on.  On page six or seven, however, the article mentioned that he had recorded a special video for his atheist friends, one where he told them he loved them very much but that they were all going to burn in hell for eternity - complete with explicit detail after explicit detail.  We linked to that part of the article instead of page one, because that was the best part, after all.

The other admins may chime in here with their preferences - I don't tell them what to choose, and their selection process works as well as mine, it's just different.

Things I look for in a Fark tagline:

If a tagline makes me laugh out loud or spit coffee all over my keyboard, it gets the greenlight.  I will even occasionally back out an earlier tagline greenlight if something funnier comes in later.  This incidentally is why we have the "Repeat" tag - sometimes the best tagline comes very late, as in hours or days later.  Also, some events seem to stay in the news cycle for multiple days for whatever reason as people discover them elsewhere, so we'll use the Repeat tag for those, too.  This week, the first story that comes to mind that was submitted across multiple days was Florida woman pulling an alligator out of her yoga pants.  These happen several times a week

I do keep an eye on how many +1 votes TotalFarkers give taglines.  It's not my main criteria, but I'll take an extra hard look at those.  These especially help my selection during newsflashes, so if you've ever wondered if anyone looks at those, I do and they're especially helpful when I'm in a hurry to get a link out the door.  Speaking of +1 votes - I strongly consider these when picking headlines of the week/month etc., because it's usually a good indicator of quality when a link gets votes aftera link goes green.

My absolute favorite tagline structure of all time is one that initially seems super offensive, but on further examination is not, but boy is it right on the line.  You'll know them when you see them.

When I am hungover, I seem to prefer weirder taglines that make no sense.  No idea why, or how to even explain it.  It's a thing though.

Things I don't like:

Clickbait structure.  Many news outlets submit their own links, which is fine by me, and some of them are quite good at coming up with a Fark tagline.  However, many are not.  My advice to news outlets is to submit their links with the headline they couldn't use.  As in, a tagline that crossed the line with their own internal standards, because odds are it doesn't cross ours.  We have one news outlet in particular that submits a couple links a day, and all their taglines are the actual headline followed by "What do you think of that??"  Nope.  

Puns.  Personal preference, I'm just not a fan.  I will greenlight them, but I prefer not to.  Once in a blue moon, a pun is funny.  Puns are not, by the way, just words that rhyme with each other - I highly dislike rhymes that think they are puns.  Not saying I never greenlight them, but I'll take almost anything else over them.  Except for...

Only as a last resort will I greenlight an article that has the same tagline as its headline.  Sometimes articles only get submitted once, and I'll try to come up with something better if I can.  I will almost always pass over these if I can.

We have had on occasion one or two tagline writers that vote for their own link on TotalFark and vote against all the others.  This isn't an instant disqualification but I take a dim view towards it.  Don't be that guy

Don't submit politics links to the Main page tab.  The reason why is I read that one first, and while in the past I've retabbed those submissions to Politics, a few astute subbies have figured out that I read Main page links first when I do a queue run.   As a result, I got into a bad habit of greening the retabbed links before reading the politics submissions.  I'm not doing that anymore, and in fact I've often started ignoring politics submissions posted to the Main tab altogether

Actual Admin guidelines we have:

Don't link to articles that aren't funny.  Boring is OK, sad is not.  It's not a 100% deal killer, but I'd rather not greenlight these if I can avoid it.    

Try not to make fun of victims.  This is incidentally why all the teachers having sex with students articles disappeared.  I'm not asking everyone to agree with me on this, I'm just explaining what happened and why.  Making fun of the person who committed the crime is a-OK, however.  

Others appear in the FArQ somewhere, I forget where exactly.

My weak spots:

I'm the worst admin of all of us at posting repeat articles.  Part of my problem is I don't have a perfect memory for what has been greenlit.  This gets particularly bad when I've passed over a few bland taglines on the original article already, and soon I can't remember if I posted it or not.  Rather than miss a story, I'll risk running a repeat.  Luckily the other admins come in behind and delete repeats. We also get email notifications when other Farkers flag repeats and this helps immensely.  I'm so terrible at remembering repeats that I have sometimes greened the same story three or even four different times.  

I have noticed recently I'm a sucker for taglines that pretend to misunderstand what the article is about due to bad sentence structure in the original headline.  Like the famous Panda eats shoots and leaves headline.  I still like these and will probably continue greening them more often than I otherwise should.

Duke sucks.

Other things to know:

I've told all the admins that they're welcome to alter or delete any tagline I greenlight without telling me first.  I'm totally fine with them doing whatever.  There will always be more news articles in the day.  

Up until recently, I personally didn't like taglines that didn't give you some idea of what was going on in the article.  However, with the new mobile format that displays a full article summary, not only is this no longer a problem, but there's something about the combination of vague headline followed by article summary and photo that is extra hilarious to me.  This format has gone from being less preferred to more preferred.  And at least one submitter has figured this out - if you take a look at the Geek tab, you'll see much of his work there.  

I would very much like more D'awww submissions.  If you're looking to pad your greenlight count, that's the easiest way to do it.   D'awww taglines are hard to make funny in general, and damn near anything cute qualifies for a greenlight in my book.  Sad stuff will never make the cut into the D'awww tab, by the way.

Same goes with Discussion submissions - I will greenlight damn near any discussion link.  The notable exception being political links submitted to the discussion tab - I'm trying to keep politics on the Politics tab.  Sometimes politics is newsworthy, though. Can't be helped.

I have violated every one of these bullet points at one time or another, often intentionally.  I am inconsistent, I read too fast, and my memory sucks.  So it goes.

This isn't the full list, but it's a good start.  Others may have noticed things that work well that I'm not even aware of.

Last but not least, I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you who submits links.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart and/or beer glass.  If we ever get the chance to hang out in real life, I'm getting your beer tabs.

It's time for the weekly Fark NotNewsletter, and I have absolutely no ideas for an intro topic. Let me tell you, though, that you look really pretty today. 

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
433 had a suggestion for someone who's unhappy with ethnicity results from a DNA test
BizarreMan explained why the science was always solid in episodes of "The Brady Bunch"
fifthofzen was much choosier about where to get medical information
MattytheMouse shared a famous line from "The Brady Bunch"
puffy999 lamented a child's severe allergies
starsrift made such a dad joke
sovah learned something from an illustration of pregnancy
Dr.Fey found the real problem with a kid's racist "promposal"
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That responded to a hater
Brosephus fought the Fark filter

Smart:
Circusdog320 had some experience with the strange-looking way babies are X-rayed
bobtheme gave Heaven some advice after Peter Mayhew's death
croesius brought up a problem with crediting a "divine power" for saving people
Ambivalence discussed backlashes against science
theDesertHamster summarized a rugby player's complaint
Prank Call of Cthulhu related an interaction with an anti-vaxxer
revrendjim examined the idea that parents know what's best for their kids
bigfatbuddhist had an idea for decreasing the number of people being shot by police
Farking Clown Shoes discussed events in "Avengers: Endgame" (contains spoilers, obviously)
Magorn discussed a criminal's light sentence

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: merrillvillain found some top-notch construction
Smart: sarahthustra had a suggestion for getting revenge on coworkers before leaving a job
Funny: Znuh had a pants-destroying level of fail
Funny: flucto had an idea for a reality show mashup
Funny: rcf1105 reacted to a submitter confessing to not wearing a bra

Politics Funny:
His Mexcellency shared a story about someone who might have been Matt Gaetz
Circusdog320 spotted evidence that we weren't looking at the real Melania Trump
Mr. Coffee Nerves was surprised by Mike Pence's visit to the USS Harry Truman
Circusdog320 revealed yet another Melania imposter
We should all just take aaronx's word on this

Politics Smart:
His Mexcellency shared a story about someone who might have been Matt Gaetz
weddingsinger explained why people were offended by a bank's tweet offering financial advice
Eclectic described some of the problems trans people already face when trying to receive medical care
HawgWild analyzed William Barr's argument that Robert Mueller cleared Trump of all wrongdoing
null argued that Democrats need to start impeachment hearings


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba envisioned a very strange prom outfit for an elderly attendee
retrophil found someone who really took a wrong turn
Don_cos brought the Korean War close to home
Yammering_Splat_Vector discovered that Amazon has greatly expanded their delivery area
RedZoneTuba didn't approve of a contest theme
Herb Utsmelz made a creepy commercial even creepier
RedZoneTuba invited Uncle Joe to prom
RedZoneTuba took the family on a road trip
Circusdog320 was reminded of a lost love
Yammering_Splat_Vector found out what that lever does

Farktography:
bobug won Farktography Contest No. 730: "Red 3" with a wavy wall


Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.

When I was a kid, I thought that Tina Turner's song "What's Love Got To Do With It" asked, "What's love, but a second handy motion?" To be fair, that actually is what she says, I just got the syllables attached wrong. This got me thinking about mondegreens, and all the lyrics I've misheard over the years. I remember visiting Drew back when Lorde's "Royals" was new, and I realized she wasn't inviting us to call her "creepy." That one was a little disappointing, to be honest. Calling someone "creepy" seems a lot more fun than calling them "queen bee." I mentioned misheard lyrics to my mom (you shut up about my mom, she's a classy lady) and she said that when she was little, she thought that "Jesus Loves Me" said, "They are weeds but he is straw." It sort of makes sense, I guess.

Whether you're reading the Fark NotNewsletter by the dawnzer lee light and you're wrapped up like a douche to keep warm, or you're working in the concrete jungle wet dream tomato, just remember that there's a bathroom on the right. I'll be here with the secret Asian man as a girl with colitis goes by, and if I get lonely, I'll simply say, "Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
doglover defended a dog on a college campus
Chemlight Battery showed a non-reading Farker that the answer was right in front of us all along
jiesenPSD reacted to Americans' inability to find their own homes on a map
Spectrum noticed that a gorilla wasn't making a classic mistake while watching videos on a smartphone
GRCooper showed one guy's reaction to an upcoming battle on "Game of Thrones" (spoiler from April 21st episode)
whither_apophis had one question about a video featuring Finnish girls and women riding hobbyhorses
Ivo Shandor found a photo of a teacher who called a second-grader's work pathetic
TylerParry defended not being able to read a map
ayrlander revealed the unfortunate truth about metal detectors
Yankees Team Gynecologist figured it's best to quit while you're ahead

Smart:
Earguy explained why people may not be able to forgive their former bullies
Xcott saw evidence that someone who used to be a jerk might not have done enough growing
AllerJeez summed things up for someone who didn't want to read an article
Warthog basically took us on a tour of a hideous house
brantgoose pointed out that a little bit of research could have saved someone from writing a stupid article
mainsail figured out what it meant when a teacher called a second-grader's math test results "pathetic"
revrendjim might secretly be the teacher in question
Xai thought of one reason why fewer people in the U.S. are attending church
Arachnophobe wasn't afraid of females on hobbyhorses
Cagey B thought that a man who claims to have changed used words that betrayed his true goal

CSB Sunday Morning:    What's in your Easter basket now that you're grown?
Smart & Funny: gordian's grandma wasn't going to give up Easter baskets just because the grandkids grew up

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Old Man Winter made an offer to people expecting three inches of snow
Smart: Raddamant had a solution for a Farker who accidentally admitted to having a small willie
Funny: sarahthustra knew exactly what hatched out of a Farker's lawn
Funny: You'll need to read the headline in order to understand this comment from sarahthustra
Funny: steklo nearly had to call the police on some teenagers

Politics Funny:
luckyeddie knew why a phone was thrown at Donald Trump at the NRA convention
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That added to Trump's thoughts about eggs on Easter
NateAsbestos helped a fellow Farker find the Trump administration's rebuttal to the Mueller report
Jack Sabbath found someone to defend Steve Mnuchin
Jaws_Victim had one takeaway from a screenshot of an article about Nick Bosa

Politics Smart:
cameroncrazy1984 disagreed with Donald Trump's characterization of the Mueller report
enry replied to Trump's complaint about how much the obstruction investigation cost
Gubbo had advice for interviewing people who are defending Trump
bloobeary suggested that Trump's lawyers could be disbarred
croesius had a theory about Trump's strange posture


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel showed a dissatisfied couple in counseling
Don_cos created slapstick clams
Circusdog320 made a particle board accelerator
noazark found the display you're not allowed to touch
Wrongo showed an early model of a "home computer"
Alligator gave Montana's state flag in honor of an aspiring rancher
RedZoneTuba exposed Trump's strategy for building his wall
Don_cos heard the blues a-callin'
Circusdog320 gave George something to do on the Washington state flag
Yammering_Splat_Vector revealed the surprising origins of the Eiffel Tower

Farktography:
bobug won Farktography Contest No. 729: "Tiptoe Through the Tulips 2" with 
three purple blooms

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Beyond Fark

We're very sad to have lost Farker Lar Jorgen, a regular contributor to Fark Photoshop contests and Caturday threads. He was known for his wit and humor, and was often the first person to welcome newcomers to Caturday threads. You can view Lar Jorgen's memorial Caturday thread here. 


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

Yet another fun time on the Quiz this week, but the dust is collecting in the 1000 club. I get to sit and pwn n00bs on the big screen for another week, but unfortunately without an audience. caddisfly comes out on top with 915, followed by Billlbo in second with 910 and Reyito very close behind in third with 909. sugaryvitamin makes fourth with 907, and bababa finishes out the top 5 with 903.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over Volkswagen's part no. 199 398 500 A, which actually sold more than its total car sales in 2015 and 2017. Only 21% of quiztakers knew that it was a pack of sausages. I mean, they are a German company and all. I think that the average German consumer gauges a company's abilities based on their success in making sausages. "Hmmm, zis weiner is not ze tasty, if zey cannot make good frankenfurter, zey cannot make good shoes." You also get a free pack of sausages when you buy a Volkswagen in the EU, so you Brits better hurry up and get financing approved.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over the song "Old Town Road" by Lil Nas X. 76% of quiztakers knew that this crossover hit was a victim of its own success, and that Billboard had removed its listing from "Hot Country" charts, I'm guessing this had more to do with the fact it was sitting at #1 than the fact that it's not exactly what most people would call "country" music.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which CNN anchor had recently become engaged to his boyfriend. Only 38% of quiztakers knew that Don Lemon recently announced he was tying the knot. More interestingly, he is actually older than the white-haired Anderson Cooper. I would not have guessed that. Dude must use a really good exfoliator or something. But good for him.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which song actor Christopher Walken felt needed "more cowbell" from Will Farrell in a classic SNL sketch. 85% of quiztakers knew that it was "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" by Blue Öyster Cult that really needed the extra oomph. In stage band in high school, I actually played the cowbell during our version of Pat Benetar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", and I can say that I am envious of the passion Farrell was able to bring to the instrument. I was frankly bored and wanted to go back to the bass trombone part I usually played.

Congratulations to the winners, and if you missed the quiz, you can catch up here.

Most everyone has taken some time off from something they enjoy for one reason or another - to lose weight, to save money, for health reasons, to prove that they could, as part of a religious observance, or because the door is broken on the gorram bathroom door and doesn't anybody in this house farking know how to knock?! I once decided to give up booze for a while too see if I might lose a few pounds. A while later, I mentioned offhand that I hadn't had any alcohol in a few weeks (it was part of the conversation, I didn't "I do CrossFit" it in there), and suddenly my coworkers were excitedly congratulating me and telling me they were so proud of me.  I guess they thought I was a lush.   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So anyway, I recently started drinking caffeine after having gone without it for a while, and I have to say, it's even better than I remember. It's so amazing. Caffeine, baby, if I ever walk away again, please come after me. 

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Pocket Ninja considered situations where it's okay to hook up with your aunt
markie_farkie showed us what whoever was in charge of renovating Notre Dame Cathedral was thinking
Langston reacted to the Notre Dame Cathedral fire
UberDave knew how to save money repairing Notre Dame
JerseyTim had an important question about "Game of Thrones"
WoodyHayes helpfully answered a question about dirty movies
hubiestubert found a flaw in the argument that we should all pee in the shower
noazark came up with a redesign for Notre Dame's spire
RolandTGunner argued for allowing kindergarten redshirting
maxandgrinch looked on the bright side of your child getting caught making plans to kidnap and murder people

Smart:
salvador.hardin discussed the purpose of bail
Voiceofreason01 explained the importance of the measles vaccine
HotWingConspiracy pointed out that a problem began before a man was bailed out of jail and murdered his wife
UberDave discussed problems that Generation X workers face
jay_bones15 didn't think a journalist understood pot potency math
mensan98th shared wisdom that applies to breakups as well as helping homeless people
scumm told us something you should know before you take up cave diving
NewportBarGuy shared a get rich quick scheme
Rapmaster2000 had adjusted expectations of credibility given to certain types of witnesses

CSB Sunday Morning:    That time you didn't get caught
Smart: Carter Pewterschmidt got away with blowing the whole building
Funny: Civilized Barbarian made a Scooby-Doo-style getaway

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Snaps warned someone about opening a jar labeled "hair band"
Smart: Candygram4Mongo found a potential new TotalFark Discussion regular
Funny: sarahthustra knew why there were so many military aircraft flying over the U.S.
Funny: rosekolodny had a suggestion for a Farker who was given permission to "steal" a woman's underpants
Funny: farkingismybusiness summed up the dilemma of having cheap rent, but a cocaine-addicted landlord

Politics Funny:
holdmybones listed 12 redacted criminal referrals from the Mueller report
Telephone Sanitizer Second Class explained who Kaitlin Bennett is
thealgorerhythm suggested a different headline
wejash learned one thing from Pete Buttigieg's protesters
jayhawk88 explained why Sarah Sanders was right about not releasing Donald Trump's tax returns

Politics Smart:
Purple_Urkle reacted to the idea that God is on Trump's side
Samwiseass noticed something about many rich people's thoughts on who's lazy
weddingsinger thought that one industry gets a disproportionate amount of attention
MaudlinMutantMollusk found amusement in Trump's crack about California
Feindevil shared a draft of a letter to a senator


Contest Votes
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba showed half the town visiting a movie set
Alligator created a game with extremely high stakes
Driver's user name checked out in a place with confusing signs (I typed that before I saw that Kevin72 beat me to the joke)
Yammering_Splat_Vector found out what Fruity Pebbles cereal is made out of
Alligator discovered more damage than we'd been led to believe
ArcLight designed equine couture
noazark wanted to buy a vowel
hammettman ran into the opposite of a dead end
Circusdog320 cooked up a meal with plenty of protein and minerals
Totally Sharky Complete showed training wheels won't always keep you from wiping out

Caption:
Driver revealed the problem with pinnipeds

Farktography:
henryhill won Farktography Contest No. 728: "To a 'T'" with these train tracks

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.

Over the weekend, I visited a petting zoo that houses exotic and farm animals rescued from various situations. As with many basement dwellers, I'm allergic to an assortment of animals, plants and opinions, so I require more than just an allergy pill when I venture out into the world. I found out that there's a type of mask you can wear to help filter out allergens, so I got some to keep my face from blowing up like a tomato while I pet the cows, chickens, horses, capybaras, llamas, dragons and hedgehogs. Sure, I looked like a weirdo, but that's normal for me. I have to tell you, though, that it worked! So I thought I'd pass that information along to any of you who are also basically allergic to going outside. 

Note: Do not try to steal a capybara from a petting zoo. They're pretty hard to hide under your jacket and you end up having to do community service... but at least you have a mask to wear while you're picking up garbage by the side of the road.

Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
T.rex was unhappy with the upcoming Star Wars film
Tanqueray paraphrased the reaction one announcer had to another announcer's comment about a gymnast's knees bending the wrong way
calbert had a GIF for that when a gymnast was injured
Wadded Beef noticed a surprising crossover in the new Star Wars trailer
born_yesterday had an alarming reaction to a crosswalk leading to someone's driveway
saywhonow figured out who Rey's parents are
Sid_6.7 explained why Americans of 200 years ago drank nearly a quart of whiskey a day
Pocket Ninja noted that a woman who suffered a botched microblading procedure wasn't very vindictive
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That had a GIF for questionable swimwear choices
Cyberluddite shared a story about a rainbow bumper sticker

Smart:
Ambivalence was bitter over taco trucks
Dewey Fidalgo didn't understand someone's determination to get to a destination
Unemployedingreenland discussed reasons ride sharing apps caused problems for taxis
ZAZ did the math on fines for keeping an illegal chateau
way south discussed the purpose of taxi medallions
Jack Sabbath wondered about the title for the next Star Wars film (spoiler if you haven't seen "The Last Jedi")
UninformedButEnthusiastic pointed out what "living paycheck-to-paycheck" really means
Tom-Servo extolled the virtues of taxis
Psychopusher analyzed the appearance of a woman who threatened to call ICE on people running a taco truck
dv-ous was protective of the grandparents' Netflix DVD-by-mail subscription

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: meat0918 noticed an unusual effect of reconstructive surgery
Smart: hobnail gave advice on talking a car dealership down in price by $2,000
Funny: Brawndo worked hard to be a problem solver
Funny: Unikitty revealed how another Farker helped a sibling
Smart: meg12279 knew how to handle a drunk fairy godmother

Politics Funny:
TomMalory appreciated a certain aspect of Ted Lieu's playing of a recording of Candace Owens' comments about Adolf Hitler
ZAZ had some information for anyone who wants to "trigger" a liberal
optikeye noted something Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez can do that Donald Trump hasn't been able to accomplish
FortyHams had a strong reaction to free avocados
mrshowrules exposed one of John Kerry's lies

Politics Smart:
edmo noticed strange behavior from Trump in regards to the Mueller report
Raymond Perjurytrap described how most Americans are "winning" under Trump's tax law
NeoCortex42 commented about  "the $35,000,000 (two years in the making) No Collusion Mueller Report"
thehobbes had a theory on why the Customs and Border Protection Commissioner didn't take Trump up on his pardon offer
TomMalory appreciated a certain aspect of Ted Lieu's playing of a recording of Candace Owens' comments about Adolf Hitler


Contest Votes
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba made a refreshing soda for Farkers
Circusdog320 showed an airplane creating God creating Adam
Ldrtchbrd found a sassy snek
RedZoneTuba knew someone who could use another fishing lure
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave a tank more personality
whitebelly gave a new meaning to the term "fisheye"
Alligator baited some bears
durbnpoisn played Umbrella Tetris
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel gave a peek at what Goop will be selling next
noazark found out how to keep a tiger busy

Farktography:
Vortex Dweller won Farktography Contest No. 727: "Abstract Thoughts 2" with a colorful Mason jar

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Beyond Fark

We're very sad to have learned of the sudden loss of Farker Solid State Vittles, a well-known Farker who commented in many different types of threads and met many Farkers in real life. You can read Solid State Vittles' memorial thread here. Our hearts go out to his friends and family.


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

Yet another fun and interesting time on the Quiz this week, but alas, once again the 1000 club remains empty. Denjiro takes the tops spot with 935, followed by MikeBoomshadow in second with 929 and geocacherphil in third with 917. dionysusaur takes fourth with 915, and sprgrss finishes out the top five with 906.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over the Soviet-era Hematogen candy bars popular in Russia and among Russian expats. Only 15% of quiztakers knew that what was listed on the wrapper as "black food albumin" was actually cow's blood. I guess the milk in the milk chocolate wasn't enough bodily fluids from the bovines. Let's hope they stopped there.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over artist Dan Robbins and his contributions to American pop culture. 78% of quiztakers knew that his paint-by-numbers artwork had once been exhibited in the Smithsonian Museum of American History. I guess in a sense it is the ultimate example of American consumerist pop art - cookie cutter stuff imagined by one person but mass-produced for everyone, with people expected to conform to a preset norm in order to make things look better than their own imagination and technique. Jeesh, that's deep and inherently depressing, but you gotta admit the guy who made it had to be a much better artist than virtually everyone who bought it.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which YouTube channel had a brief run as the most popular on the site before PewDiePie reclaimed his crown. Only 33% of quiztakers knew that with India's increasing Internet access available to people, folks really were focusing on their most popular entertainment outside of cricket and T-series, which focuses on Bollywood clips and trailers, briefly took the top spot by a few thousand subscribers. For the record, BTS did recently set a record for the most number of views in the first 24 hours after uploading for their collaboration with American artist Halsey called "Boy With Luv", but they have no "official" YouTube channel. Their videos usually debut on the "ibighit" channel, which has *only* 17 million subscribers as compared to PewDiePie's 92 million+.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which Eagles album you can hear live in concert this fall in Las Vegas. 87% of Quiztakers knew that you'll be able to hear "Hotel California" in its entirety on Sept. 27 and 28 at MGM Grand Garden Arena. No word on if they'll do the *real* version of the title track or that wussy acoustic version with the bongos from the "Hell Freezes Over" album. 

If you missed the quiz, you can catch up on it here, now that you know some of the answers. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week!

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________  

Last month, one of you asked when TotalFark Discussion (TFD) first started. I didn't know offhand, but Candygram4Mongo helped find it in the archives: April 12, 2004 (link is TotalFark only), which means this Friday is the 15th anniversary of TFD.

For those who don't have TotalFark, TFD is a place where Farkers can discuss just about anything they want, and it's walled off from the prying eyes of Google and other social media. I think that privacy and community explains the attraction - there aren't many places left on the internet where you can have conversations with random cool internet people like the ones you see on TFD. There is a lot of silliness, snarkiness, and in-jokes; and also some of the truest, most Fark-worthy content we have.

We love our TotalFarkers for the laughs and the community, and also because TotalFark subscriptions keep Fark going far better than advertisements do. Thank you to all of you who have subscribed to TotalFark, now or at any time in our history! To celebrate this history, this Friday we'll be opening up TotalFark to everyone for the entire day.

Thanks for 15 years, and here's hoping for at least 15 more!

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Dead for Tax Reasons knew how a man was planning on continuing to poison a coworker with cadmium
HighlanderRPI was appalled by video of a man holding someone at gunpoint during a road rage incident
Unoriginal_Username found a clue to an ancient internet mystery
Kubo recognized a sign so many others have missed
Sliding Carp knew why a man didn't call an ambulance when his daughter was choking on a penny
Billy Bathsalt shared a story about a cop just not wanting to deal with the hassle
FuManchu7 answered a question that arose when Farkers were discussing "janties"
Snarcoleptic_Hoosier knew exactly what a 4chan lawyer would be like
markie_farkie had an idea to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the moon landing
hubiestubert shared WWE's defense against John Oliver's criticisms

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
davidphogan shared a story about a goose attack and instant karma

Smart:
Boo_Guy explained why some blame is placed on police when someone who is "swatted" gets shot
Pocket Ninja had a theory on why people feel angry about other people not wanting to have children
growinthings thought that the increase of non-religious people in the U.S. is connected to another change
blastoh knew how to make the most of being childless
phalamir discussed why marijuana testing at work is different from not allowing employees to show up drunk
ecmoRandomNumbers gave a possible reason for fewer Americans to believe in God
DemonEater discussed the intersection of three awful things
MythDragon compared the rules of engagement for police officers and military
growinthings took the easy road to being a grandparent
arrogantbastich pointed out some variables other than speed that can be causing an increase in fatal crashes

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: myschief had bad news for anyone who wants to be a trail lawyer
Smart: rosekolodny posted a photo of the regal beast
Funny: sarahthustra objected in trail court
Funny: MethySophocles mentioned the most difficult part of becoming a trail lawyer
Funny: Earthworm Jim Jones gave one reason to stay married

Politics Funny:
Prey4reign let us know what happened to the woman who allegedly breached security at Mar-a-Lago
I hereby demand that I be given a Fark account followed the lead of the House Judiciary Committee
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat was surprised to find out something about Donald Trump
whither_apophis knew how a woman was able to get past security at Mar-a-Lago
Mike_LowELL is prepared for battle against Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

Politics Smart:
MrBallou explained Donald Trump's strange treatment of umbrellas
Butterflew had an idea for reducing the abortion rate
AdmirableSnackbar brought up  statements that might be considered evidence of collusion
Farking Clown Shoes discussed the purpose of the 22nd Amendment
ImpendingCynic figured out what it means if Trump's father was actually born in Germany


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba made it easier to become a Trump fan
Driver had a childproof phone at the office
Don_cos showed one of the difficulties of working from home
Yammering_Splat_Vector found you a new doctor
Don't ever let Yammering_Splat_Vector shine your shoes
Alligator thought this couple should be holding hands
Mojongo created a game for a-holes
Don_cos found some interesting items on Amazon
Yammering_Splat_Vector made a bad day so much worse
Alligator revealed the succulent molten center

Farktography:
sherpa18 won Farktography Contest No. 726: "Product Placement" with a Beefaroni enthusiast

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.

Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

On the quiz this week, we discovered that sometimes the name brands are worth the extra money. So we'll be returning the Samhung big screen and the Lay-T-Bot recliners from the 1000 club, since no one is using them anyhow this week. Bruce Campbell vs Army of Farkness takes top honors this week with 974, followed by Denjiro in second with 948 and bud jones in third with 921. Troy Aikman's Giant Thumbs made fourth with 912, and Priapetic finishes out the top five with 904.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over something called a "thermopolium" discovered in the ruins of Pompeii. Only 27% of quiztakers were up on their ancient Greek,and knew that thermo means "hot" and polium means a "shop" or "vendor". In other words, it was a ancient snack bar or food stall. Back then, people who weren't rich didn't have their own kitchens in their homes, so they had to eat somewhere, and so shopkeepers set up the equivalent of a food counter to cook and serve food. Essentially, it was the original concept of "hot and ready". No word if they offered only cheese or pepperoni and made you wait if you wanted ham or anchovies. They probably still asked you to leave if you wanted pineapple, because come on.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over which country had sent troops to Venezuela in the middle of their "soft" civil war. 85% of quiztakers knew that it was Russia who saw an advantage to putting some boots on the ground to support embattled president Maduro, even as much of the military is defecting to his opposition. I think we can all agree that whatever is going on there, a Russian presence is probably not going to make things better.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which comic book movie took home the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice "Favorite Movie" award. It seems only 34% of quiztakers have kids that still watch TV, or at least the family TV in the den - I think most kids have their own TV's by now or just watch a stream. The correct answer was "Avengers: Infinity War," which proved to be more popular than Black Panther, at least among kids. 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the Philly Taco - an interesting late night concoction that requires you to walk a block between two restaurants to properly assemble. 86% of quiztakers were ready for a late night in the Philly clubs, where they would hit up Jim's for a regular Philly cheesesteak, then take it to Lorenzo's Pizza for a slice of cheese pie to wrap it up in. I'm guessing this doesn't come with a nutrition label. 

If you missed the quiz last week you can catch up here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing the same thing again this week.

April is a time of rebirth, a time of fools, a time of religious observances, a time of taxes, and a time of... a few holidays honoring the Confederacy. Personally, I think that April is a good month to plan your strategy in case there's a zombie apocalypse. I wish I could tell you that Fark has you covered, but, unfortunately, we don't. 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Rapmaster2000 predicted the outcome of a high-profile case with remarkable prescience
captainstudd's curiosity was aroused by another Farker's statement
mjjt thought that a cop might be to blame for an alleged shoplifter's additional crime
Mike_LowELL attempted to keep a discussion about Jussie Smollett's charges being dropped from going off the rails
Sgt Otter had another name for a flight deck
capt.snicklefritz figured out why fewer people are having sex
SamFlagg explained what kind of a name "Jussie" is
Begoggle wanted everyone to remember what's important in times of tragedy
optikeye described what vegan dogs eat
fragMasterFlash sensed an overreaction to a supposed trend in undergarments

Smart:
Pazuzu Smith-Jones remarked on the serious charges that face teens who text each other noods
Spazticus discussed people who post deplorable things on the internet
Shadow Blasko had evidence that automatically limiting speed in automobiles can cause unbearable driving conditions
Grand_Moff_Joseph urged compromise on gun control
Smoking GNU made a suggestion for school uniforms
bingethinker gave some examples of water not being flat
naughtyrev refuted one of the flat earther conspiracy theories
stir22 spoke up in defense of millennials
ArcadianRefugee showed off a nice curve
Mock26 had a suggestion for a way to make sure schools get all the supplies they need

CSB Sunday Morning:   How did you get that scar?
Smart:  Lenny_da_Hog, as Me_Too_I_Ate_One_Too put it, was aborted but got better
Funny:  optikeye's partner learned to be more careful when castrating baby pigs

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Shostie had some very sad news
Smart: Smock Pot made plans for the future
Funny: generalDisdain marveled at a high-tech brassiere
Funny: meg12279 had a message for potential friends and lovers
Dance Party set it up with the Smart and I Ate Shergar finished it off with the Funny
Smart: dionysusaur explained why some people don't approve of charter schools

Politics Funny:
ThomasPaineTrain is an expert on processed cheese food
Wyalt Derp saw what everyone has been waiting for since November 2016
ThomasPaineTrain regretted the cheese defense
neil jung had a very bad feeling about a Donald Trump tweet
toddalmighty thought an odd comment was probably a Freudian slip rather than a typo

Politics Smart:
ImpendingCynic thought that a White House official was confused about what "treason" is
wademh had a fantasy about Robert Mueller explaining his obstruction findings
OldRod wanted to know if other accusations against a president are treason
MattytheMouse took issue with the "both sides are bad" argument
optikeye responded to former governor Scott Walker's criticism of Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Yammering_Splat_Vector's Little Golden Book featured the "Winter White House"
Mojongo found a poor man's version of the Love Boat
Alligator went in a new direction for a "Rocky" sequel
nissananimal showed us how Kellyanne Conway gets to work
Circusdog320 came up with a terrible way to bring "The California Raisins" back
noazark decided to add more vegetables to our mornings
RedZoneTuba gave us four times the hilarity of "Three Men and a Baby"
noazark found a sporty new spaceship
Alligator went to a big underwater restaurant opening
Yammering_Splat_Vector discovered a fish with hair

Farktography:
CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 725: "In Memoriam: SilverStag" with the gears of a time machine

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Tuesday, April 2: Robinsonville, MS Fark Party and Farker's birthday party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

Yet another fun time on the Quiz this week, even though I apparently stole my intro from DissemenationMonkey, who was none too pleased, to say the least. That means no 7-layer-cheese dip in the 1000 club this week. So not only will I be sitting there alone with no one breaking 1000 this week, I also won't have any cheese dip. 

On the Quiz itself, EKU Colonel came out on top with 920. followed by BeotchPudding with 910 in second and Seussie in third with 908. sugaryvitamin takes fourth with 904, and the Mole of Production finishes out the top five with 885.

On the Hard Quiz, the question that stumped the most was over where to go to get protected and served by NBA great Shaquille O'Neal. The clue was where Shaq had never played basketball - although He played for the Miami Heat, their stadium is located in Dade County. Only 39% of quiztakers knew that it was neighboring Broward County where he now resides where he has been appointed a Special Deputy. Also where some poor sheriff's department uniform maker I'm sure had to call for reinforcements.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over "Armando", the fastest racing critter in Belgium. 81% of quiztakers knew that a Chinese man had purchased Armando for 1.25 million, and is ready to either race some pigeons or send some secret messages to someone really quickly.Fortunately Cantonese is a far more condensed language than French when written out, so perhaps Armando will get some relief with a much lighter payload. 

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over those cheeky yobs in the UK and what they had stolen this week from Fisherman's Cove in East Portlemouth, Devon in the UK. Only 37% of quiztakers knew that it was the bin where folks put their doggie poop. I'm guessing either someone had a great idea involving a paper bag, a cigarette lighter, and someone's porch, or else somebody was tired of people letting their dogs poop in their yard and not cleaning it up. Either way, I see an ASBO in someone's future.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which social media company had lost nearly all of their customers' data older than about 3 years during a server migration. 905 of quiztakers knew that MySpace still wasn't defunct, although after this, they might be very soon since there aren't many people who have added anything in the past three years. From what I learned yesterday, everyone has moved on to Geocities anyhow.

If you missed out on the Quiz last week, you can catch up right here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I can't think of an intro
But here's the NotNewsletter


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
robertus was glad to see that the college admissions scandal will be solved in short order
Loucifer explained what happened to Argosy University students when the schools suddenly closed
Algebrat helped spread the love on Fark
NeoCortex42 suggested a solution if your parents named you Mbappe
Rapmaster2000 shared the experience of being saved from hardcore veganism
I am Tom Joad's Complete Lack of Surprise reacted to Barbara Streisand's comments about Michael Jackson
born_yesterday guessed how some students might've reacted to their professor's startling confession
scottydoesntknow had a message for One Million Moms complaining about a Kit Kat ad
Mugato was horrified by the reaction of witnesses to a violent attack
cowgirl toffee has a way of coping when people say awful things

Smart:
meat0918 shared what teachers have said about active shooter drills
Pocket Ninja thought about why men didn't try to stop women from brawling
gar1013 didn't think degrees are worth much anymore
croesius gave a dishonest author points for creativity
T Baggins defended students who might be screwed over
czei discussed factors working against the American Dream for people who aren't born wealthy
NeedlesslyCanadian shared an experience with reading "The Case for Christ"
Occam's Disposable Razor described the move to electronic medical records from the point of view of a person working in medicine
netizencain asked what Jesus would do
Bareefer Obonghit discussed Thanos' plan in "Infinity War" (contains spoilers, obviously)

CSB Sunday Morning:   That time you got stuck in or on something, or something got stuck in or on you
Smart: Madison_Smiled was rescued from freezing to death in the snow
Funny: davidphogan accidentally used the opposite of lubricant

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: beverly8 replied to an anonymous submitter who was called something lame
Smart: EatenTheSun pointed something out to someone whose spouse wanted to get a dog
Funny: italie learned something new about the wife
Funny: Beeblebrox is good at identifying rodents
Funny: flucto has a way to get rid of monsters under the bed
Smart: DocBubba gave advice for handling firearms
Funny: meg12279 received some interesting information from a servant

Politics Funny:
BooksontheBrain helped a Farker who was at a loss for words when Robert Mueller delivered his report
ThomasPaineTrain explained how Republican states would win a new Civil War
Shostie knew exactly what Trump said that made Justice Anthony Kennedy stop in his tracks
Beerguy was impressed by how Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez responded to a tweet from Dinesh D'Souza
whither_apophis predicted what Attorney General William Barr's summary of Mueller's report would look like

Politics Smart:
Shostie noted hypocrisy in the GOP's mocking of Beto O'Rourke
italie lamented being wrong about racism
MattytheMouse explained why Donald Trump is defensive of the Electoral College
markie_farkie had an idea for how Theresa May should handle Brexit
Theaetetus pointed out another problem with Steve King's Civil War II fantasy


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
MrBallou found the bus that hit Mock26
noazark showed the president showing off during a press conference
Siberian Khatru gave a look at a very special valentine
JAGUART helped a Farker make a really strange brag
Mojongo proved that Richard Nixon stayed cheery even when in pain
Circusdog320 found the fanciest All Terrain Armored Transport
JAGUART tracked down a very truthful comment made by a Farker who was hit by a bus
Circusdog320 revealed evidence that Robert Mueller must have missed
Herb Utsmelz showed that Trump is very proud of the ol' red, white and blue
Herb Utsmelz gave Trump an important document

Farktography:
bobug won Farktography Contest No. 724: "Office Space 2" with tantalizing bananas

*Reminder: This week's Farktography contest topic is "In Memoriam: SilverStag" (link is TotalFark only until Thursday morning). For this contest, you are asked to submit "photos of things he was passionate about: planes, trains, travel, music, technology, the military, photography, and family."

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Tuesday, April 2: Robinsonville, MS Fark Party and Farker's birthday party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

We had another fun time on the quiz this week, but the 1000 club sits empty once again. Looks like I get to enjoy DissemenationMonkey's cheese dip all by my lonesome. On the quiz itself, BeotchPudding comes out on top with 923, followed by scrumpox in second with 915 and wearsmanyhats in third with 911. bababa takes fourth with 902, and Gravitationally Challenged finds equilibrium in fifth place with 886.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over Del Taco's foray into the make-things-smell-like-our-food fad. Only 28% of quiztakers knew that you could purchase Eau de French Fry body soap for a limited time on their website (It's currently going for $50/bar on ebay). I mean, when I worked fast food, I would spend an inordinate amount of time trying to not smell like french fries, and now people actually want this? Where are the women who want their man to smell like this, and where were they when I was flipping burgers?

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over which outdoor and sporting goods store had made the decision to no longer sell firearms and hunting accessories. 91% of quiztakers knew that it was Dick's Sporting Goods who had made this call. Bass Pro shops and Academy Sports and Outdoors have made no announcement this year regarding their own firearm sales, so I guess we can rest easy knowing we can still shoot at fish and lacrosse wickets or whatever you play that sport with.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which classic RPG video game inspired the late Sir Terry Pratchett enough to help out a mod maker with dialogue lines and even write one of his Discworld novels based on his adventures. Only 49% of quiztakers knew that it was The Older Scrolls IV: Oblivion which Sir Terry had taken a liking to. He began a friendship with a young mod maker, and provided dialogue options as well as playtesting for a pathfinding feature in which you could ask your AI companion to lead the way to an objective - a tremendous help to Pratchett, who had begun to suffer from dementia and lost his way easily. 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over Johnson & Johnson's legal woes. 94% of quiztakers knew that it was the talc in baby powder that internal documents showed at times had tested positive for asbestos, but no action was taken and the product was served up to people to make instant baby. There are still tens of thousands of active lawsuits against the company, and things aren't looking good. Maybe next time, you know, check for known carcinogens in your product. Unless you make cigarettes, I guess.

If you missed the quiz this week, you can check it out here, now that you know several of the answers.

Congratulations to the winners, and a special congratulations to Myk-House of El for a perfect score on the Easy Quiz, because why not? 

See you this week!