________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

A couple of things of note THIS WEEK.  Firstly, I don't know if anyone's been wondering why Fark hasn't done a "we support black lives" display and/or UI update, so let me address that.  To be clear, I do support the cause.  However corporate messages of support for social causes have always seemed off to me.  For example, I don't really want to know what Bed Bath and Beyond's opinion on the subject is, especially since corporate opinions are usually wrapped in an implicit "come shop with us after."  I also don't have a good feel for what an appropriate display of support would look like, past Fark linking heavily to the events in question so everyone knows what's going on.  Anyhow, tl;dr we're on board if anyone was wondering.

Secondly, relative to last week, a couple of folks flagged me in separate comments last week before the protests started asking me to weigh in on Trump's executive order for social media websites. I'd meant to respond but, as happens during heavy news cycles, time got away from me.  However, someone else suggested I make it a topic for this week's newsletter.  It turns out the topic is both interesting and weird, and the tl;dr is yes, Fark qualifies under the EO, but I don't think anything will come of it.  Plus, if it were actually implemented, it would be worse for folks complaining about platform censorship.

Also, don't let the length of the discussion that follows imply that I think this is more important than the protests, I just happen to know a lot more about this subject than the other.

The Trump administration is attempting to use an executive order to smack down Twitter for putting advisories on some of Trump's tweets, correctly saying they encourage violence and/or are factually inaccurate.  The EO targets Section 230, which is a part of U.S. law that social networks in particular are obsessed with. It's literally all they want to talk about when I visit in person, it comes up even in casual meetings over drinks.

Section 230 lives in the Communications Decency Act, passed in 1996 and specifically states the following: "No provider or user of an interactive computer service shall be treated as the publisher or speaker of any information provided by another information content provider."  While the CDA was a big anti-porn thing in the mid-'90s that has mostly been ruled unconstitutional, Section 230 remains in effect.

This provision in the law came about mostly as a reaction to a 1993 lawsuit against Prodigy arguing they were liable for user-generated content because they took an editorial role.  This shares similarities with the Good Samaritan theoretical legal quandary, which worries for example that people who might try to give CPR to someone choking would became liable for a person's death if they failed to save them.  The theory goes that without legal protection, people would be less likely to help strangers in need.  Therefore Good Samaritans were carved out from liability laws.

In Prodigy's case, the court ruled that since Prodigy usually tried to moderate harmful content but failed in a specific instance, they were liable for the damage caused.  This seemed very similar to the Good Samaritan problem, where trying to do the right thing but failing in a specific instance triggers liability. Fast forward to 1996 when Congress is all bent out of shape over boobs on the internet. Telcos and ISPs argued that Section 230 was needed because without it, platforms wouldn't moderate anything for fear of liability (they also wanted blanket protection for themselves but that's the argument they made anyhow).

Section 230 basically says that content providers aren't liable for user-generated content as long as they at least attempt to keep things clean and safe.  However there's no guidance on how much work they have to do to keep things clean, which could include doing very little.  And therein lies the problem, because arguably most of the negative societal issues caused by social media company inaction are protected under Section 230.  Part of the problem was the focus of the Communications Decency Act was pornography, not disinformation.

I should note that this, by the way, is my perspective, and while it's exactly opposite of what I've seen tech writers say about this law, I can assure you from personal experience that this is how social media companies actually perceive it.  Section 230 allows them to take little or no action with impunity.

In short, Section 230 allows Twitter to do nothing about bad content.  It also allows them to devote very little in the way of resources to monitoring content. In either event, there's no liability for Twitter.  Whether that's a good or a bad thing, opinions differ.

Social media companies are terrified of losing section 230 protection because they think their behemoth platforms would be impossible to moderate.  Perhaps they're right, I wouldn't know because Fark doesn't have 500 million monthly active uniques. However, given how little effort they've put into trying to reign in Nazis, racists, and disinformation, I think the jury is out on that one - we don't know because they haven't tried.  I'd be willing to bet if Twitter threw a billion dollars into moderation, they'd make some kind of a dent at least.  And although I'd like them to try harder, I would concede that 100% enforcement is almost definitely impossible.  I'd settle for them trying much harder, however.

It's unclear what effect the administration thought its executive order would have.  Clearly they were trying to punish Twitter for flagging presidential tweets.  However, the EO they issued, if followed through, would actually end worse for the administration.  Social media uses Section 230 to do less than they otherwise would be required to do.  If Section 230 were altered or removed, social media would be forced to spend significantly more on resources for moderating content.  And just looking at a small sample of Trump's tweets in a given day, if Section 230 protections didn't exist and Twitter could be held liable for content, he'd be moderated so hard he'd barely get a single tweet published.  Same goes for a lot of the disinformation spreading accounts out there.  And I'm not sure extra vigilance would be such a bad thing,

However, from a practical standpoint, the impact on social media lies in the details of what happens next.  The EO instructs the FCC to take a look at Section 230 and issue more specific guidelines, implicitly asking for guidelines that would punish Twitter. I don't think this is likely to happen at all, mainly because FCC head Ajit Pai is fairly anti-regulation and likely isn't in any hurry to examine the issue.  I would expect him to slow-walk the EO until after November, at the very least.  Then whatever they come up with has to be approved by 3 out of 5 FCC commissioners, and it's not clear how that would play out either.

So now to the question at hand: How does the EO affect Fark? Well, currently it doesn't - it all depends on what the FCC does. If the FCC requires more stringent moderation - whether it affects Fark or not depends on to what degree.  If the FCC requires a best efforts moderation strategy, we already do that.  It's imperfect, but we try to do our best.  If the FCC requires every comment to be reviewed internally before posting, that would absolutely negatively affect Fark along with the entire social media ecosystem.  But I'm not sure it's the outcome the administration wants or intends.

So tl;dr we're good for now.  Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

On this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast: Brooke Binkowski from TruthorFiction.com is back to help us make sense of rumors of outside actors interfering in the nationwide protests. Who are they and what are they trying to do? Brooke has the answer, and it's both fascinating and nuanced as hell.  Check it out. 

Also later today at 7 p.m. Eastern, Dallan and I are back with the Fark Livestream News Summary.  On today's episode, the news cycle went full bore apocalypse - mutant ticks, hurricanes, Yellowstone, and social distancing monkeys.  Also a summary of the news you actually need to know. And cats with chickens on their heads. Join us at my Twitch channel And if you get a chance check out our movie night from last Friday, it's easily the funniest thing we've ever done.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Farking Clown Shoes was surprised by what Alphax was listening to
felching pen told us what scientists were able to predict after measuring virus levels in municipal sewage
AdmirableSnackbar figured out why "Central Park Karen" got fired
Russ1642 knew what modern police training is missing
Badmoodman considered the prospect of University of Michigan not playing football this year
169th Cousin shared a sexy redhead photo
nyseattitude pointed out the ridiculousness of a fire safety rule where another Farker lives
Shostie was defensive about what One Million Moms claimed about Pixar movies
SanityIsAFullTimeJob taught Mugato a new word
moos revealed the truth about a guy who's hooking up with his mom's friend while he's staying at her house because it's close to his work

Smart:
bdub77 had some ideas for police reform
Ishkur talked about how the ubiquitousness of cameras changed people's perception of the world
pkjun described the process of trying to have a police officer held accountable for abuse
fusillade762 explained why a bunch of guys review bombed a movie before it even came out
Xai discussed the first video that was released of the murder of George Floyd
LOLITROLU had an idea for Amy Cooper's next job
Hoban Washburne looked at the way Derek Chauvin knelt on George Floyd's neck
jso2897 noted Derek Chauvin's demeanor as he killed George Floyd
Cheron pointed out something familiar about the "Central Park Karen" story

CSB Sunday Morning: That one time at summer camp
Smart: parasol shared great stories about running a summer camp
Funny: whatsupchuck got a hurt paw as a wee cub

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread for Farkers to share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please contact Farkback ahead of time, or just submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening. If you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies. Please note: While submitted CSB Sunday Morning threads have a high likelihood of being greenlit, there is no guarantee they will be. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: JerseyTim showed up to appreciate myschief's new fence
Smart: Butterflew shared photos of little Baloo (there are lots of great photos in this thread)
Smart: The Headless Horseman's Headless Horse grew a patio
Smart: Eclectic shared an opinion on the protests happening in response to the killing of George Floyd
Smart: IvyLady pointed out the first sign that Gaston was indeed the bad guy
Smart: Badafuco updated us on the basics
Smart: brap went to a party

Politics Funny:
Tannhauser had a sad realization about MAGA
arrogantbastich had a mild reaction to having been beaten to a joke
cretinbob took a guess at why Donald Trump's posture is so strange
Devolving_Spud knew how to mess with "poll watchers" recruited by Republicans to challenge people's right to vote
FlyingFarmer challenged the rumor that Donald Trump murdered Carolyn Gombell in 2000

Politics Smart:
shadow01 thought that there's a flaw in the Republican poll watcher plan
markie_farkie argued that Twitter took the right approach in handling one of Trump's tweets
My Sober Alt compared opinions about 100,000 Americans dead from COVID-19
pkjun talked about how to help the economy recover
Lambskincoat noted the most important thing about Trump's attack on social media


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba knew what all Farkers should have on their faces
PSpsychopath showed that Trump is being resourceful when it comes to virus protection
Yammering_Splat_Vector found out where that missing tomato ended up
#2 created a mask made out of the finest jewelry
DisseminationMonkey designed some protection for when people get all up in your grill
hail2daking scooted over for some social un-distancing
Alligator wasn't impressed by all your coughing
Yammering_Splat_Vector dressed up this little duckface
Large Marge sent me could tell that these guys were way too hot
verchad made a little something for the athletic supporter in your life
hail2daking showed us what comes from forbidden love

Fartist Friday:
Ldrtchbrd won Recreate a movie poster with a poster for a fun summer beach movie

We'll be taking a break from Fartist Friday this week, but it will return next week.

About Fartist Friday:
Fartist Friday is a weekly contest to help keep you entertained by giving you a way to show off your artistic skills - or lack thereof - during this time of social distancing. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the following Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays and will show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close to both comments and voting at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

Farktography:
Earguy won Farktography Contest No. 786: "Squares 4" with a stairway to somewhere

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hope everyone's Memorial Day weekend went well.  I spent most of it sitting in my driveway drinking beer.  Some friends joined, appropriately socially distanced.  So not much changed on my end this year.  

A few notes of interesting things happening today:

On this week's Fark And Schnitt podcast, Todd recounts his Cannonball Run from NYC to Tampa in a U-Haul, and I get to explain how when Kentucky Governor Andy Beshear says he's not afraid of the Flu Klux Klan, it's because he's got the literal firepower to back it up.

At 3 p.m. Eastern today, Dallan and I will be doing the Fark Livestream News Summary, come check it out!  Lots of stuff worth talking about in the news this week.

At 4:30 p.m., we have the first U.S.-based rocket launch in a decade - keep an eye out for a live thread on that.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 

If you've noticed that the Fark NotNewsletter has been going out on Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays lately, it's not your imagination. It's not my imagination, either. Both the NotNewsletter and the Fark and Schnitt podcast have officially moved to Wednesday releases for the foreseeable future. The NotNewsletter will still cover Sunday morning (7ish) through Sunday morning (7ish), so that part hasn't changed. I don't mind having the extra time to put this whole thing together, because, as with many things in life, it's harder than it looks.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Moderator had to lay down the law when Farkers started getting too excited
Devolving_Spud devolved a band name
dothemath outweirded a spunk snorter
Krieghund reacted to news of hazing involving alcohol and nudity at the University of Kentucky
Naido figured out what a TV cameraman who didn't realize his conversation was livestreaming was talking about
Marcus Aurelius thought that God had a whole new punishment in store for those who won't keep from spreading COVID-19
Snapper Carr could see why a cameraman had such a potty mouth
Diogenes knew why an underdressed nurse was disciplined at work
elvisaintdead remembered something about bears being Catholic
JerseyTim shared the final photo of an unfortunate man
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That answered a question about an article that could possibly bring new visitors to Fark

Smart:
Pocket Ninja thought about the purpose of sex offender registries
koder made a recommendation that may or may not involve sunning your perineum
Magorn had a theory on how a man and his mother ended up being victims of police brutality
GardenWeasel might have figured out why some older generations were so picky about the cleanliness of their homes
SMB2811 read through to an article's source and explained one way in which some delivery companies screw over businesses
lolmao500 took counterpoint on a health tip
ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha implored a fellow Farker to consider goose physics
WalkingCarpet has quite the night planned
rebelyell2006 found the most generous way to describe what the three men who killed Ahmaud Arbery had planned
Albert911emt urged us to make assumptions

CSB Sunday Morning: Green thumb stories
Smart: buckwebb started a garden as doubtful neighbors looked on
Funny: jimjays' mom was very proud of her child's green thumb
Funny honorable mention (it also came in first a year ago): davidphogan helped a dog who had learned a painful lesson

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please contact Farkback ahead of time, or just submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening. If you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies. Please note: While submitted CSB Sunday Morning threads have a high likelihood of being greenlit, there is no guarantee they will be. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: weddingsinger gave an update after Mrs. Weddingsinger had open heart surgery
Smart: Badafuco let everyone know that that the kitty was back home after surgery
Funny: generalDisdain had a name for Skittles' all-white "pride packs"
Smart: Badafuco shared a photo of Miss Maci in her cone of shame
Funny: croesius helped Candygram4Mongo solve a puzzle
Funny: We Ate the Necco Wafers had some information for a TotalFarker who claimed to be dating four men at the same time
Funny: Rev.K solved a riddle about a dead parachutist

Politics Funny:
orangehat noticed something about the #youaintblack shirts the Trump 2020 campaign is selling
hobnail felt a little defensive about the #NoFap movement
Psychopusher had a solution for dealing with businesses that have "no masks allowed" signs posted
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat reacted to news of plans to remove and possibly euthanize 220,000 wild horses and burros from public lands
I am Tom Joad's Complete Lack of Surprise had a name for the people behind the anti-fapping movement

Politics Smart:
GardenWeasel figured there's something Democrats cannot do
NeoCortex42 pointed out the severity of the U.S. government's response to 9/11
centrifugal bumblepuppy reminded us what health experts said when the pandemic arrived in the U.S.
derpes_simplex defended Donald Trump against a claim that he's an expert in money laundering
I Ate Shergar gave advice on how to identify a possible radical


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking made an honest spiciness scale for a Mexican restaurant
Yammering_Splat_Vector designed a protective mask that you can wear in your booking photo
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us what makes Mighty Mouse so mighty
FarkingIceHole ordered the Paleo diet family meal
hail2daking made the produce angry
opalakea swallowed a coconut
DarkJohnson revealed a shocking reason for the decline in the rhino population
DarkJohnson made a surprisingly subtle switch
opalakea came up with an ingenious way to save money on hamburger buns
Excelsior proved that the more things change, the more they stay the same
DarkJohnson found the reincarnation of Nero

Captions:
From Do as the San Diego Zoo says and caption this angry potato:
bearded clamorer figured out why this potato was so angry
Grumpy Cat knew that this potato was following someone

Fartist Friday: Create a Fark-themed greeting card
gordian immortalized Fark's favorite squirrel

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: Recreate an existing movie poster using Photoshop, MSPaint, etc.

About Fartist Friday:
Fartist Friday is a weekly contest to help keep you entertained by giving you a way to show off your artistic skills - or lack thereof - during this time of social distancing. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the following Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays and will show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close to both comments and voting at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

Farktography:
afghanwhiggle won Farktography Contest No. 785: "And the Band Played On" with a xylophonist at work

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz last week, and we may have figured out why you're supposed to buy mattresses on Memorial Day. The 1000 club gets two socially distant occupants this week, so it's a good thing we installed that second bar. Priapetic took first with 1012, followed by TheMothership in second with 1005 and bingethinker in third with 993. Denjiro made foourth with 951, and Oak rounds out the top five with 949.

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was over the Walker, Louisiana Police Department's odd call of the week. Only 17% of quiztakers caught the story about a chicken that was harassing people at a local bank's ATM, even going so far as to try to fly into cars. I'm guessing the chicken was protecting her nest egg as she neared retirement. 

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over Queen guitarist's Brian May and his recent hospitalization. 87% of quiztakers knew he had ripped his butt muscle after a bit of what he called "overenthusiastic gardening". Suuure, Brian, I mean you could have said "Bicycle" accident or maybe partying with some "Fat-Bottomed Girls" or that you found "Somebody to Love" because you "Want it All", but you went with "gardening", Who Wants to Live Forever, anyway?

The hardest question on last week's Easy Quiz was over the Instagram star "Miquela" and her 2.2 million Instagram followers and ridiculous endorsement contracts. Only 43% of quiztakers knew that we really are living in an episode of Black Mirror, as Miquela is a CGI constructed singer and personality designed to appeal to Gen Z'ers. I will not be surprised when her new diss track drops next month bashing Microsoft Tay's racism and calling Alexa and Siri "old and out of touch". 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which reality show star was now engaged for the second time since the death of his wife only eight months ago. 87% of quiztakers knew that Dog the Bounty Hunter had found love yet again. Considering Beth was his fifth wife, I think he's going for some kind of Zsa Zsa Gabor record here. Or maybe he thinks he's Larry King and will soon be doing a webcast from his basement, I dunno. 

If you missed last week's Quiz, you can catch up here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it again this week.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone, hope your pandemic is going well.  

Let me lead with the podcast blurb because it leads into the topic at hand - whether or not I am a Time Traveler.  Last night we were recording the latest episode of Fark and Schnitt podcast when Newsweek dropped an article entirely devoted to my time travel tweet.  

Here's the backstory: On New Years Eve 2015, everyone on social media was trashing 2015, as folks do pretty much every year.  2015 hadn't been a particularly bad year per se. Part of the problem with social media is that people don't tend to post "wow that year was reasonably average," so the good-riddance 20xx posts tend to be the strongest signal.  So in response to the negative trend, I posted the following tweet: "Admission: I'm a time traveler from 2020. Enjoy 2016 - it's as good as it gets for awhile."  

I figured if something really truly terrible happened by 2020 I could pop up out of nowhere and complete the joke.  But a couple things intervened.  One, I forgot about it entirely, Two, pandemic.  For some reason I woke up about two weeks ago, remembered it, and retweeted it with "This tweet aged well," and hit post.  

It's been interesting watching the viral ramp - I've had a couple other tweets go viral, but this one spread like wildfire.  It really took off later on the first day when it got picked up by other aggregator accounts.  By the end of the first weekend, it had 650,000 likes.  I figured that was the end, but then it jumped over to Reddit and Instagram the following week, then Imgur and Facebook, and finally TikTok this week.  Then the Newsweek article.  

The responses I've gotten on social media have been super interesting.  More people than I would have expected seem to think I might actually be a time traveler.  Also, many people seem to confuse time traveling with being a psychic based on the questions I'm getting asked.  Lots of people want to know when things will get better.  Some folks want to know who will win the EPL/Superbowl/NBA finals.  A few want to know what stocks to pick.  Lots of people asking for a trip the hell out of here.  That one I do understand

You guys already know I'm not really a time traveler.  I am a really good guesser, though.  Sometimes it can seem like the same thing.
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
vudukungfu told of an adventure in a store with an anti-mask policy
no1curr figured out why a woman in a parking lot in Hawaii was so upset
wademh found an appropriate way to remember Farker Sid_6.7
MagSeven's cat had feelings about a woman's temper tantrum
OkieDookie checked on People of Walmart's competitor
Marcus Aurelius answered the question, "If band names were literal, what would be the scariest band to fight?"
The Googles Do Nothing cared more about the method than the message
Pocket Ninja listed sure signs that your partner is cheating on you
thatguyoverthere70 knew the truth about AstroJesus' friend who tried to ward off coronavirus with cannabis
Yoda's Pen Is revealed what one guy did before becoming a defense attorney

Smart:
wademh described what Sid_6.7 was like on Fark
Befuddled had a suggestion for trying to keep people from causing even more trouble during the pandemic
cretinbob had a theory on why some businesses have had problems with customers as soon as they reopened
stoli n coke had parting words for Jerry Stiller
Raymond Perjurytrap noticed something about a reporter covering a story about an HOA president blocking a delivery driver from leaving
wademh found an appropriate way to remember Farker Sid_6.7
hubiestubert thought about what it will be like for people to one day tell their grandchildren about the COVID-19 pandemic
Chariset could see why some people think that doctors are wrong about the severity of the novel coronavirus
vudukungfu told of an adventure in a store with an anti-mask policy
dark brew remarked that they would've gotten away with it if it hadn't been for that bumbling lawyer

CSB Sunday Morning: This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife
Smart: wademh went through a series of awkward interviews for a job
Funny: DocBubba wasn't in Kansas anymore

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please contact Farkback ahead of time, or just submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening. If you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies. Please note: While submitted CSB Sunday Morning threads have a high likelihood of being greenlit, there is no guarantee they will be. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  

First, a sweet TotalFark Discussion story:
Badafuco's cat needs surgery, so TFD friends, including generalDisdain, suggested submitting a thread to ask for help so she can get it. TFD came together to help pay for Miss Maci's surgery. Fundraising was a success, thanks to awesome TotalFarkers who were able to help out by donating and/or getting the story out. Many TFDers, including meat0918 and mcsiegs, noted that TotalFark Discussion helping Badafuco and Miss Maci gave them hope in humanity when everyone's going through a difficult time. 

Smart: meg12279 gave advice on raising a daughter
Funny: My Daddy Ate My Eyes had been waiting for this thread
Funny: Ceteris Paribus says pointed out something about a homeless woman's boyfriend
Funny: The Pope of Manwich Village had a message for someone who would eat at a packed Chinese food buffet right now
Funny: MBK showed how one-way aisles can be safely enforced in supermarkets
Funny: Louisiana_Sitar_Club shared a scientific fact about Earth's moon

Politics Funny:
physt figured that maybe it's finally the right time
WoolyManwich recognized the real meaning behind some signs in front of a store
dionysusaur shared some famous words of wisdom
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat broke the news to Marcus Aurelius
Martian_Astronomer thought about how a fight between lockdown protesters might start

Politics Smart:
Marcus Aurelius brought up some of the things Barack Obama said in a leaked phone call that angered Mitch McConnell
hubiestubert made an observation about a store with a sign outside reading "no masks allowed"
Ambivalence argued that Sen. Richard Burr was the one who was being vindictive
physt figured that maybe it's finally the right time
eurotrader wanted to know more about Obama and Biden's alleged crimes


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
opalakea showed how much President Trump used to enjoy moshing
Mojongo caught someone photowreckingballing Chrissy Teigen
Excelsior found out who this model likes to hang out with
Alligator went with the cheapest option at Edible Arrangements
RedZoneTuba followed the rules exactly
RedZoneTuba discovered what happens when a nurse really dislikes a patient
hail2daking remembered the tragic tropical fruit disaster
Alligator caught Joe Biden failing to follow proper social distancing guidelines
opalakea showed McMurphy on the way to therapy
Yammering_Splat_Vector figured out why you give Polly crackers instead of cookies
hail2daking showed off dat peach
hammettman really ruined Fark's mascot's day

Captions:
From: Caption this dog and some french fries
RedZoneTuba decided the dog was trying to make sure there would be more fries for itself
hail2daking knew that there was something missing

Fartist Friday: Create your Team Farkistan uniform for the Farklympics
CordycepsInYourBrain showed us why Team Farkistan won't be invited to the actual Olympics

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: Create a Fark-themed greeting card using anything you like - Photoshop, MSPaint, pen and paper, etc

About Fartist Friday:
Fartist Friday is a weekly contest to help keep you entertained by giving you a way to show off your artistic skills - or lack thereof - during this time of social distancing. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the following Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays and will show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close to both comments and voting at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 784: "Happy Farktography Anniversary 15" ended in a six-way tie between Elsinore's surly bird, gregscott's colorful hovering shuttlecock, MorningBreath's pensive primate, Lovesandwich's conifers enjoying a sunset and moon enjoying an eclipse, and Earguy's shiny ball


Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz this week, with a set of mostly socially distant results. jayfurr gets to be isolated in the 1000 club with 1031, followed by Evildog in second with 912 and needalife in third with 871. relaxitsjustme made fourth with 809, and sprgrss is less than six feet away in fifth with 807. 

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was over how NASCAR driver Denny Hamlin wound up finishing last at the  eNASCAR iRacing Pro Invitational Series GEICO 70 virtual race when he was having a great run up until the last lap. Only 36% of quiztakers knew that his daughter had wandered into the room with the living room TV remote, and when he shushed her away, she hit the power button - and the monitor he was using to race happened to also be a Samsung. I guess the lesson here is to show a little less brand loyalty when you're working from home.

The easiest question on last week's Hard Quiz was over what led to a Vallejo, California City Planning Commissioner's resignation after a Zoom meeting he participated in was made public. 90% of quiztakers knew that he thought it would be cute to introduce his pet cat to his coworkers, and then followed it up by tossing kitty aside like Carrot Top after a prop joke bombed. Not only were his coworkers about as amused as they would have been had it been Carrot Top making a prop joke, his constituents were angrier than if they had been forced to sit through an entire Carrot Top set.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over one of the Louisville traditions surrounding their yearly custom of putting mint leaves in their bourbon to watch horses run around in a circle for a day, because TV cameras are in town and it's classier than their normal drinking straight bourbon and watching cars run around in a circle. Only 44% of quiztakers knew that ordering a "Hot Brown" in Kentucky would get you a turkey and bacon sandwich covered in cheese sauce and toasted and served on a fancy plate. While most of the finer restaurants in Louisville serve some form of the "Hot Brown," the original dates back to the Brown Hotel in 1926, and was based on traditional Welsh rarebit (a similar dish made with rabbit meat, which apparently the Brown Hotel was out of that day). 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the French "Fromagissons" campaign and its aim to encourage support of local industry. 86% of quiztakers knew that the French government is essentially a Monty Python sketch at this point and is reminding folks that the cheesemakers are indeed blessed and should be patronized. While Arthur Fromage may have been the Sausage King of Chicago, his ancestor was likely a blessed one, as "fromage" is the French word for cheese.

Congratulations once again to the winners, and if you missed it, you can catch up here.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

We're about halfway through May now and industry-wide ad revenues are still at 50% of what they were.  Thanks to folks stepping up and buying TotalFark, BareFark and Farks2Give subscriptions and the new OhFark badge, we've got a couple months of breathing room - thanks so much to everyone who pulled the trigger.  If you haven't done so yourself and you have the means to, now would be an excellent time to jump in. Also, special thanks to LazyAtWork for making the supreme sacrifice of eBaying his Guinness bar towel, to the hoopy frood Farker who bought it, and for the TotalFark subscriptions that were purchased as a result.  Thank you!

On this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, we brought Brooke Binkowski from Truth or Fiction back to do a deep dive into both the Plandemic conspiracy theory and Jacob Wohl, who must have some sort of humiliation fetish as far as we can tell.  

Also, today through Friday, Dallan and I will be livestreaming daily at my Twitch channel.  We're also hosting a movie night on Friday -- still haven't nailed down which movie, but we should have it by Thursday.  Keep an eye on Fark for start times, it moves around due to our respective schedules, but the good news is if you miss it, the videos are saved on my Twitch channel so you can catch up later. We're doing tonight's livestream at 7 Eastern time.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
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Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
scottydoesntknow expressed sorrow over Roy Horn's death
Znuh shared what it was like to have COVID-19, and gave advice (the funny part is at the end)
make me some tea showed the possible cause of Jim Bakker's stroke
felching pen appreciated a news outlet's work on Elaine Paige
elvisaintdead is keeping notes after Znuh's COVID-19 story
koder showed someone who wasn't at all disturbed by a video of a praying mantis eating a murder hornet
Byno had a message for a woman who was upset about being stuck on a plane packed with people
VanillaEnvelope made a strong argument in favor of government social media accounts making immature jokes
Biscuit Tin was a bit off in guessing what an ad was going to be promoting
qorkfiend was both surprised and unsurprised by another Farker's comment about winter weather

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
mjjt shared a transcript of a reporter interviewing a local about the many uses of murder hornets and their nests

Smart:
Znuh shared what it was like to have COVID-19, and gave advice on what to do if you end up having to go through it
thrillbilly1967 shared the pain of losing a child, and could imagine how it would hurt to not be able to have a funeral
Redh8t had a tip for anyone who's making their own wine
Znuh gave a health status update and offered to be of assistance
Ker_Thwap had advice for people in areas where restrictions are being eased
AirForceVet was reminded of the lesson everyone needs to learn about COVID-19
YakBoy42 discussed Sikh doctors deciding to shave their beards so they could properly wear N95 masks and help fight COVID-19
DoBeDoBeLurk shared a story about a likely COVID-19 infection
dark brew explained what happened with the two district attorneys who recused themselves from handling the case against the men who killed Ahmaud Arbery

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: namegoeshere shared the very sweet story of a cat named Bob
Funny: CommieTaoist comforted a Farker whose tomato plants were ruined by a hail storm
Smart: meg12279 advised a Farker who feels let down when friends don't reciprocate caring gestures
Funny: flucto helped by offering a snack
Smart: FunkJunkie's answer to a hypothetical question was based on a limited definition of time travel
Smart: FunkJunkie knew what would happen if a bunch of Farkers were marooned together somewhere

Politics Funny:
nealb2 had a question about Donald Trump's command to "TRANSITION TO GREATNESS!"
markie_farkie applied something learned from President Trump to an everyday situation
Marcus Aurelius explained why Chile's COVID-19 death rate is so much lower than Sweden's
OdradekRex thought about the sorts of tasks Trump's valets must handle for him
Bootleg helped Trump's campaign manager with comparing the Trump campaign to the Death Star

Politics Smart:
NeoCortex42 figured that one of Trump's fixations might come back to bite him in the butt
Jack Sabbath looked at how Trump is planning on having the U.S. "TRANSITION TO GREATNESS!"
jake_lex discussed people who believe in American exceptionalism
Rav Tokomi considered what the fact that people who work in the White House are starting to test positive for COVID-19 means
pkjun explained why some people fly both the Confederate and United States flags


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
levitcleos did what absolutely needed to be done with the new Land O' Lakes design
Alligator found Harry reading about another Prince
Yammering_Splat_Vector took a trip to The Far Side
hail2daking showed someone doing a trick on a bike worth more than a hundred million, trillion, billion dollars
p51d007 found out how to make walking your dog even more fun
Alligator might've shed some light on the real reason two Cold War spies were always after Rocky and Bullwinkle
eyeoftheaxis decided to put a different woman on packages of Land O' Lakes butter
noazark showed us the worst way for your neighbor to take the dog out to do its business
Vortex Dweller went ahead and gilded the Sunflowers
noazark knew that this redesign is gonna make it after all

Fartist Friday: Create a blanket fort
Wynn built the majestic kingdom of Cuteyland

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake:To prepare for the 2020 Summer Farklympics, create your Team Farkistan uniform using MSPaint or actual real-life clothes

About Fartist Friday:
Fartist Friday is a weekly contest to help keep you entertained by giving you a way to show off your artistic skills - or lack thereof - during this time of social distancing. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the following Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays and will show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close to both comments and voting at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

Farktography:
Morchella won Farktography Contest No. 783: "Fresh Photos" with a cutie pie in a different kind of mask

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Beyond Fark

We're very sad to have learned of the recent loss of longtime Farker Sid_6.7. He was a Farker for nearly 18 years, and was especially active in Fark's politics discussion threads. Thank you to the family member who reached out to let us know. Our love and sympathy goes out to Sid_6.7's family and friends. Farkers can visit Sid_6.7's memorial thread and express condolences here.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the quiz last week, with the socially distanced 1000 club open (sort of) as long as everyone wears masks and we drink our beer from 6' straws. terrybear takes top honors with  1019, followed by VicKevlar in second with 1007 and Myk-House of El in third with 1006. Cock Robin takes fourth with 992, and sprgrss makes fifth with 992.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over which actor has received the most Academy Award nominations for a male actor. Only 44% of quiztakers knew that it was the 83-year-old Jack Nicholson who held that distinction with 12 nominations. His first came for the 1969 film Easy Rider, and his last for 2003's About Schmidt. He has won three times, for One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,. Terms of Endearment, and As Good as it Gets. Dustin Hoffman has been nominated 7 times, and Gene Hackman 5 times.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over the recipe that IKEA released on one of their standard "instruction cards" that never tells you what to do with that last #5 screw. 96% of quiztakers knew that they could now make the stores Swedish Meatballs "at höme" even if they didn't have a hex key. No word on how many folks tries and still had them fall apart in the oven.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over where to get a chocolate covered vegan ice cream bar. Only 58% of quiztakers knew that Dairy Queen had relaunched their signature Dilly Bar in vegan form, made with coconut milk. TCBY has vegan options, but none in bar form. Pity that, everyone knows that things sell better onnastick, as CMOT Dibbler would say.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the new ESPN series "The Last Dance". 93% of quiztakers knew that the series was based on the career of Michael Jordan, which is somewhat confusing as he did have another dance with the Washington Wizards after his second retirement. The show is breaking records as Americans seem desperate for new sports programming, although South Korean baseball is also starting to pick up in popularity.

Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week!

In case you missed it this week, one of Drew's tweets from New Year's Eve 2015 went viral last week, and response has been... strange. I can't speak to Drew's experience, but as the person behind Fark's Twitter account, I've seen some replies and messages from people who apparently think the tweet proves that Drew is either a time traveler or psychic, as well as some comments from some intrepid mythbusters out to prove that he is neither. But mostly it's a lot of funny replies. Now that I think of it, though, there is that one picture from the 1800s that Drew's never really been able to explain.

On another note, be sure to check out the FarkStaff Pick this week - Farker Znuh shared first-hand information about what it's like to have COVID-19, along with great advice in case you have to go through it yourself.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone, hope your pandemic is going well.  On the Fark business side of things, it still looks pretty rough.  Ad revenues are still half of what they normally are - industry wide, by the way, so support your local newspaper as well if you can. I would predict ad revenues stay low until the economy recovers, and there's no telling how long that will be.  We're in uncharted territory here.

We're still doing a subscriber drive because that's pretty much the only way Fark is going to survive the current business climate, so sign up for TotalFark and/or BareFark and/or Farks2Give if you can - tell others to do so as well.  

Last week, we launched a limited-time pandemic-only OhFark badge with three different levels based off the Johnny Walker whiskey color scheme because that seemed like a good idea at the time.So how's all that been going?  It's hard to even put it into words.  The response has been incredible.  Thank you so much to everyone who's helped out.  We're still not out of the woods but this is a good start.   

Today, we're adding the ability to buy OhFark badges for others, so if there's anyone you feel like gifting one to, fire away.  

By the way, a few folks have asked about upgrading your OhFark badge - we're doing that manually so if that's something you're interested in, contact Farkback and they'll get you sorted.  

On the Fark and Schnitt podcast, this week we interview my friend Peter Sagal from Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! Peter tells us about surviving both the Boston Marathon Bombing and the L.A. Riots, as well his likely accurate guess as to when things will return to normal. Plus, the deep connection between Fark and Wait Wait is finally revealed.

Later today as well (5 p.m. Eastern today, but it varies), Dallan and I are continuing our Tuesday-Friday daily news update over at my Twitch channel and Fark's Facebook page.  If you can't catch it live, we've got the previous episodes recorded, so feel free to check them out.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
syrynxx completed a second grade homeschool assignment
DoctorCal envied the toilet paper of the bourgeoisie
derpes_simplex had a special way of reacting to Disney's tweet claiming rights to use replies to them with the #MayThe4th hashtag
dothemath named Anderson Cooper's baby
TabASlotB invaded and trolled a Zoom meeting
vudukungfu saw little reason for Farkers to debate the attractiveness of women sporting "full bush"
Marcus Aurelius realized it was time to shine
markie_farkie ruined a movie by putting "9/11" in the title
Louisiana_Sitar_Club carefully explained why Hong Kong's cramped communal "cage homes" haven't resulted in much higher infection numbers
GardenWeasel figured that maybe derpes_simplex was onto something

Smart:
pkjun analyzed the struggle between rural areas and urban areas
Mr. Coffee Nerves had a solution for people protesting nonessential businesses being closed
syrynxx had to adjust the "weird" scale
enry compared the years 2016 and 2020
hubiestubert explained why you should not use GrubHub
kevinatilusa had a theory about why TSA is finding more guns during screenings even though fewer people are flying
spongeboob apparently has a law concerning doctors speaking to the press
ozman argued that Harrison Ford's latest piloting mishap was not actually his fault
derpes_simplex had a special way of reacting to Disney's tweet claiming rights to use replies to them with the #MayThe4th hashtag
A tweet from Drew made Markoff_Cheney realize something about the year 2016

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
Znuh had COVID-19 and was hospitalized and released, and shared the story and advice to help fellow Farkers

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: rcf1105 pointed out the wrongness of an ad that claimed that Jesus didn't exercise
Funny: rosekolodny asked a question of a Farker whose roommate instituted "prison rules" during quarantine
Smart: croesius built an awesome phone stand for Zoom meetings
Smart: TWX shared the best dress from a movie or TV show
Smart: rosekolodny made an observation about homeschooling
Smart: JerseyTim suggested a reliable weather website
Funny: jasonvatch appreciated information about Jesus' exercise routine

Politics Funny:
markie_farkie explained why Donald Trump deleted his angry tweets about journalists who won "Noble Prizes" for reports on Russian interference
edmo had some bad news for Karen Pence when she defended her husband's not wearing a mask at the Mayo Clinic
OdradekRex congratulated Trump on pulling off an impressive feat
Naido explained why the White House wanted a Washington Blade reporter in the front row
Xcott figured out what a far-right activist meant when he had a child hold up a sign that evokes a concentration camp slogan

Politics Smart:
Visual Howlaround Title Sequence had a message for people who regret who they voted for in the last presidential election
comic serif had a suggestion for what to do when people refuse to believe the severity of the pandemic
desertfool looked at why the food supply chain is in danger
Action Replay Nick argued that things can be done to adjust supply chains to address new concerns
Nah'mean excused Trump not talking to anyone who lost someone to COVID-19


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
opalakea proved that some things really do never change
opalakea caught the moment when this fox stole a peek at a daring neckline
Ralph McBob made the kind of test I always manage to fail
noazark showed that strange things are happening at zoos since they've been shut down
hail2daking revealed how far people will go to get their hands on a scarce resource
RedZoneTuba demonstrated how to keep your pets safe from contracting the virus
#2 shared an important message from Simone
#2 woke this browser from sleep mode
west.la.lawyer found a different pet for a cat lover
Yammering_Splat_Vector actually improved the Looney Tunes signoff
Yammering_Splat_Vector made a protective mask to suit someone's unique style

Fartist Friday: Social distancing-themed limericks
This contest was full of awesome, hilarious work, so be sure to check it out. The winning limerick was wiredroach's tale of a man who was literally trapped at home

This week's Fartist Friday theme: Build a blanket fort with items around your home (use of camping supplies not allowed because, duh)

About Fartist Friday:
Fartist Friday is a weekly contest to help keep you entertained by giving you a way to show off your artistic skills - or lack thereof - during this time of social distancing. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the following Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays with commenting closed until an hour before they show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close to both comments and voting at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

Farktography:
bobug won Farktography Contest No. 782: "Quarantine Cookbook" with the Flying Fusilli Monster

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Fark Weird News Quiz, although it was significantly delayed. The 1000 Club's Virtual Zoom Meeting remains empty this week. Bear151556 came out on top with 890, followed by Denjiro in second with 860 and ruudbob in third with 822. englaja made fourth with 789, and caddisfly took fifth with 771.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over a 19-year-old man in Riverside, CA who decided to rob a bank. After the teller declined to give him anything and hit the alarm, he decided to relax in the lobby while awaiting police. Only 23% of quiztakers knew that he decided it would be the perfect time to enjoy an adult beverage, as it would likely be the last one he'd be enjoying for a while. 

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over a 93-year-old woman and her viral plea for beer while self-isolating. 65% of quiztakers knew that someone at MillerCoors saw the pic of her holding a can of Coors Light, and decided the free advertising she had just given them was well worth 10 15-pack cases of her favorite beverage. I have no doubt this news likely also attracted a number of male suitors eager to meet her.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the latest industry buzzword "A13 Bionic." Only 43% of quiztakers knew that this was the name of the new processor chip in side the upcoming iPhone SW. No word on its running speed or arm strength, but I'm sure one of the first apps will make it go "Zschzschzschzschzsch" when you use the zoom function on the camera.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the late music producer Sam Clayton Jr, who died last month from COVID-19. 92% of quiztakers knew he was one of the athletes of the Jamaican bobsled team from the 1988 Olympics who inspired the movie "Cool Runnings." In addition to doing sound engineering for Jamaican reggae bands at the Harry J Studio where Bob Marley recorded, he also worked with several bands while he lived in France. 

Congratulations to the winners, and the new quiz should be up soon.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone - the newsletter got delayed because a bunch of backend stuff happened.  It's all fixed now, but we were hoping to launch a new feature - given the time constraints, we're going to punt it to next week.  

As for the situation on our end, industry-wide digital media revenues are still down 50%-70%, which sucks because traffic is up 20-25%.  

Tl;dr: If you can afford it right now, we need you to subscribe to TotalFark or BareFark, or purchase some Farks2Give asap.  

Someone in a thread asked me how it's even possible to have traffic up and revenues down - the reason is because when economic distress hits, the first thing companies do is slash marketing and advertising budgets to zero.  Display ads work on a bidding system, the highest bidders' ads get displayed.  So if the bottom drops out of display demand, ads win the bid at much lower rates than usual.  So revenue down is the result.  Traffic is up because everyone's bored at home, but on much lower ad revenue.

It's not just Fark having this problem, it's literally all digital media companies.  From this summary posted on Axios yesterday: 

"Vice Media has laid out a plan for potential layoffs of over 300 people in digital operations, according to The Wall Street Journal. It would be joining Group Nine Media, BuzzFeed, Vox Media, Bustle Digital Group, Cheddar, Maven Media, G/O Media, Protocol and others who have resorted to layoffs and furloughs."  

The article states that most companies are looking at a shortfall of about 30%, I would add that those projections assume the ad market recovers sometime before the end of the year.  I'm not making any such assumptions on our end.  The last time ad revenues cratered in 2008, revenues didn't recover for 18 months.  If revenues come back sooner, that will be a pleasant surprise, but I can't afford to assume anything.  

Since we sounded the alarm, we've had 1,500 new TotalFark signups and about 1,000 new BareFark signups - thank you so much!  Subscriptions will carry us through this, so if you haven't signed up for TotalFark or BareFark yet and you can swing it, now would be a fantastic time to do so.  And don't forget, you can also purchase Farks2Give.

On this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, we interview my good friend Brooke Binkowski, currently a journalist at TruthOrFiction.com, formerly of Snopes.  She's pretty much a conspiracy theory connoisseur, and we contacted her to help us round up all of the dumbest conspiracy theories and where they originated.  She has a very interesting conclusion about what's driving them.  

Also, my friend Dallan and I have been livestreaming pretty much daily Tuesday-Friday on Twitch at Twitch.tv/drewcurtis.  Dallan is a video and audio wiz who suggested livestreaming might be a thing to do during the pandemic, and so far it's been a lot of fun.  In that half an hour or so, we take the entire news cycle for the day and crush it into the important stuff you need to know, the important stuff no one is seeing, the stuff no one needs to know, the stuff I had to see and now you do also, and cat videos.  Come check it out if you get the chance.  As an added bonus, Friday we'll be having a watch party for the North Korean movie "Pulgasari," which while nowhere as good as "Parasite," is historic in its own right due to a fairly insane backstory involving kidnapping and international intrigue.  And I won't be doing this sober, either. 

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
ThatGuyFromTheInternet described what happened in a video of a car in Poland going airborne in a roundabout
DeadGeek thought a video of a flying car might go a different way
Calypsocookie expected a divine message
FNG had a serious point to make about the Ballsack Conundrum
fark account name pointed out that there's still something to eat even if there's a problem with the food supply
Dead for Tax Reasons shared a nursery rhyme with a surprise twist
SuburbanCowboy knew who was responsible for some scary driving
Demetrius agreed with someone who wanted his kids to get coronavirus
bdub77 let us know what some vultures spotted flying over Manhattan were discussing
grokca explained why a bunny is the symbol of Easter

Smart:
Demetrius agreed with someone who wanted his kids to get coronavirus
NeoCortex42 pointed out more medical misinformation Oprah Winfrey has promoted in the past
SpecialSnowFlake named more "negatives of living in a rural community"
GardenWeasel noticed something familiar about churches encouraging their members to continue crowding into churches
Bennie Crabtree discussed lesser-known ways COVID-19 attacks the body
Herbie555 shared personal experience showing that the 1978 "Superman" movie can still be enjoyed by new audiences
ecmoRandomNumbers figured that there's another way in which certain people in NYC are looking to capitalize on the pandemic
hobnail had a theory on why the Easter Bunny was created
Ambivalence had a question for people who are willing to risk getting COVID-19 just to go to church
OK So Amuse Me's life was changed by the Ballsack Conundrum thread

CSB Sunday Morning: Social closeness
Smart: The Pope of Manwich Village had a perfect start to Y2K
Smart (honorable mention): harleyquinnical shared a story about simply feeling accepted
Funny: Interceptor1 shared a story about stealing a crowd's attention at the Motocross Nationals

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please contact Farkback ahead of time, or just submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening. If you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies. Please note: While submitted CSB Sunday Morning threads have a high likelihood of being greenlit, there is no guarantee they will be. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: croesius made a nifty Minecraft cake
Smart: The Pope of Manwich Village is taking care of employees
Smart: envirovore thought of a reason for garden centers to remain open
Funny: oldfarthenry found either the worst or the best Easter toy
Funny: CommieTaoist reacted to finding out a Farkers' Evangelical parents don't acknowledge Jewish holidays to their converted child
Funny: SnackCake told TotalFarkers about getting slapped for not offering his date some toast (complete with illustration)

Politics Funny:
Chariset explained how the virus spread even after Donald Trump claims he "banned China"
Schroedinger's Glory Hole hyped us up for Barack Obama's endorsement of Joe Biden
Cubansaltyballs knew exactly why a comprehensive study did not find that hydroxychloroquine is an effective treatment for COVID-19
vrax lamented a fellow Farker's living situation
Rev.K revealed how generous Trump was when Governor Cuomo needed supplies

Politics Smart:
Recoil Therapy had an idea of how a nursing home doctor who gave hydroxychloroquine to dozens of elderly patients can help
optikeye discussed a previous president's refusal to address a public health crisis until someone he knew died
Benevolent Misanthrope predicted what could happen if Trump decides it's time to "open up the states"
whither_apophis thought a conspiracy theory when Bill Clinton was president looks to be closer to reality today
blastoh examined the theory that protesters displayed swastikas because they were calling the governor a Nazi


Top Contest Entries
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking wouldn't mind looking like an inflatable companion while wearing PPE
hail2daking also wanted to wear a mask that could help line up some dates for after social distances ends
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel showed how we can enjoy holidays while staying safe
Herb Utsmelz experienced an error and had to shut down
#2 designed the bestest Google Doodle
Yammering_Splat_Vector figured advertising should be tailored to the medium
noazark taught this little boy what happens to liars
RedZoneTuba shared a photo of Zefram Cochrane with his new invention
Cork on Fork discovered the secret to Bill Gates' success
noazark showed us what a really boop-able nose looks like

Captions:
From Caption these beach-going cows:
Kick The Chair knew why the cows weren't in the water
Driver shared advice from the cows
From Caption this coronavirus protester:
King Something heard this woman spreading a message of love
Firm Tautology knew what this megaphone is for
From Caption this newly famous photo of the zombie apocalypse in Ohio:
Palined Parenthood named the group protesting measures to limit the spread of COVID-19
bearded clamorer realized these people were actually filming a commercial

Fartist Friday: Make your own "Wilson"
Some dirtbag named DisseminationMonkey made a scary Chairry

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: A Portrait of the F'artiste: MSPaint your selfie

About Fartist Friday:
Fartist Friday is a weekly contest to help keep you entertained by giving you a way to show off your artistic skills - or lack thereof - during this time of social distancing. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the following Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays with commenting closed until an hour before they show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close to both comments and voting at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

Farktography:
fluffybunny won Farktography Contest No. 780: "Isolation" with a view into the past

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz last week, with three folks making it into the Zoom Meeting Virtual 1000 Club. Glockenspiel Hero came out on top with an awesome 1030, followed by Mztlplx in second with 1019 and Myk-House of El in third with 1011. TwoHead took fourth with 997, and seelorq brings up fifth with 970.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over a series of weird coincidences that resulted in a fire at a U-Haul location in Eugene, OR. Only 36% of quiztakers knew that a man threw a lit firecracker at a woman in the heat of an argument (while maintaining social distancing), and the sparks from the firecracker ignited gas fumes from underneath a nearby truck where another man, unbeknownst to the couple, was attempting to siphon gas. Perhaps in the future they all will move to Florida where this sort of thing barely makes the news.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over a forest fire that was spiking radiation levels near the scene of a horrible nuclear accident. 95% of quiztakers knew that the fire was right beside the former Chernobyl nuclear power plant, which tragically underwent meltdown after an explosion and fire at Reactor 4 in 1986. Fortunately, no one died due to the fire, but I'm betting Todd Howard is taking notes for a new "world event:" in Fallout '76 this fall.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about what exactly "Phoenix, Oregon" is. Only 30% of quiztakers knew that in addition to it being a city in Jackson, County, OR with a population of ~4600, it was also technically the number one movie in America, with a box office take of $2,903. The movie is about two friends who handle their midlife crisis by opening a bowling alley-slash-pizzeria in their small town instead of buying a convertible or getting hair plugs like normal guys. 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the DoubleTree Hotel and their recent release of their "secret" cookie recipe. 88% of quiztakers knew that DoubleTree policy is to offer every guest a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie. They've event sent their cookie dough to the International Space Station to be cooked in space, which I imagine was really frustrating for the astronauts because the resulting cookies were sent back to earth to be studied rather than eaten by the astronauts. It would have been like when you wake up to the smell of cinnamon rolls but your roommate is baking them to take to funeral or something and you can't have one.

Congratulations again to the winners, and if you missed the quiz last week, you can catch up on the Fark Weird News Quiz here.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 


To help us bridge the gap back to times of normal ad revenue, today we're also launching something suggested by Farker Khonshu a couple weeks ago (and others, including someone who sent in a Farkback suggesting something similar as I was literally typing this): a new limited-time pandemic-only OhFark account badge to help us bridge the gap between now and whenever ad revenues recover.  

We're offering three different versions of this limited-time badge that, in a moment of drinking wisdom/ridiculousness, I have based off the Johnnie Walker whiskey bottle color system.  $25 for red, $100 for Green.  And I know this seems like a stretch, but we've actually had people request a $500 option, so we included it as well, which will be blue.  It will appear next to your account name on both desktop and mobile, rendered with different images because of space considerations.  

Here's what they will look like.  Sharp-eyed readers will notice there's a black version - we haven't added this one for purchase, but if anyone can think of a fun stunt or something we could use it for, drop me a line via Farkback.  And if Samuel L Jackson happens to be a Farker, we'd be glad to make you a purple one.  

Desktop version



Mobile version



We'll stop offering these once the pandemic ends, but they'll display next to your login name for forever, or the next 20 years, or however long we keep going.  I'm hoping for forever.  By buying one of these OhFark badges, you'll help us make it to that goal.

On this week's episode of Fark and Schnitt podcast, Drew and Todd get down to the bottom of the nationwide french fry shortage. Plus a deep dive on the Florida Man who told Trump it was OK to drink bleach, and the current media meta on Schrödinger's Kim Jung Un.

On next week's episode, assuming nothing goes wrong, we're interviewing Peter Sagal from "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!"

Also, check out my Fark Daily (*Tuesday - Friday) News Summary, streaming live most days around 7 p.m.  You can find it at either my Twitch channel or Fark's Facebook page.  My friend Dallan handles all the video stuff, and as an added bonus, he has no idea what the stories are going to be before we fire up the stream.   I'll give you a quick summary of what's important, what's under the radar, what's not important... and then things get weird. 
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
ParallelUniverseParking learned what the kids are calling it these days
vrax revealed the truth about the making of the movie "Cats"
Al Roker's Forecast showed us the person who was the angriest when a skate park was filled with sand to keep skaters from gathering
gilgigamesh felt old when using a "M*A*S*H" reference while texting an assistant
wet drum sandwich knew what you should do if you see a "private" Zoom chat transcript where your coworkers "Natalie" and "Lisa" make fun of your weight
Autoerotic Defenestration showed that the Director-General of the World Health Organization is too old for this shiat
Diogenes told us about another Farker's experience with a story where a news station falsely reported that a dairy had been dumping milk
Pocket Ninja listed ways in which some businesses should be helping the public during social distancing efforts
Miss_Dorothy_Kilgallen's likeness was copied by a doll company
LewDux found a photo of Paul McCartney and Mick Jagger in a physical altercation

Smart:
UberDave had an idea of how to react when Zoom gives you a transcript of coworkers mocking your weight
elysive had an idea about why fewer people are going to emergency rooms now, aside from the ones who are afraid to
Hey Nurse! works in a hospital and shared a really great story
brantgoose shared personal reasons to avoid hospitals unless absolutely necessary
fragMasterFlash saw reason to believe the idea that nicotine protects people from contracting COVID-19 is ridiculous
Bennie Crabtree saw a benefit to so many people not being able to go to their workplaces
poodebunker described what it's like to work in a Sam's Club right now
pkjun gave some background on an article about how awful the game "Animal Crossing: New Horizons" is
AdmirableSnackbar explained why El Chapo's family is doing so much to help the community during the pandemic
scottydoesntknow noticed how easy it is to understand social distancing

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
Sarah Jessica Farker wore a very awesome and very Fark protective mask

CSB Sunday Morning: Your 15 minutes of fame
Smart: MaelstromFL saw a side task for the CFO turn into a career changer
Funny: bucket_pup experienced 15 minutes of someone else's fame

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please contact Farkback ahead of time, or just submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening. If you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies. Please note: While submitted CSB Sunday Morning threads have a high likelihood of being greenlit, there is no guarantee they will be. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: Boondock3806 had to say goodbye to a very good girl
Funny: Shostie mocked Mrs.Sharpier, who turned out to be wrong
Funny: skatedrifter once made a series of bad decisions
Smart: Shostie discussed the idea behind social distancing
Smart: namegoeshere pointed out evidence of the importance of the precautions we've been taking
Funny: JerseyTim was feeling pretty safe and comfortable
Funny: Literally Addicted doesn't care to know every detail about a cousin
Funny: Candygram4Mongo shared a simple recipe for tamales

Politics Funny:
Action Replay Nick sang about the mystery of Kim Jong Un's condition
holdmybones had a special insult for one of the people protesting Colorado's stay-at-home order
Action Replay Nick was displeased with the description of some police equipment
weddingsinger figured out what Donald Trump was referring to when he asked about bringing "[sun]light inside the body"
cretinbob guessed what happened in San Francisco during the 1918 flu pandemic when people objected to an order to wear masks

Politics Smart:
weddingsinger shared information showing that the governor of Georgia telling restaurants to reopen is no favor to many of them
MrBallou thought that a standoff between protesters looked familiar
pkjun discussed Laura Loomer's run for Congress
Driedsponge figured Trump's fellow Republicans could've avoided fallout from Trump's failure to properly handle the pandemic
Sorelian's Ghost decided there's still hope for people who can't read warning labels on disinfectants


Top Contest Entries
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
noazark created a cereal you should never, ever eat even though it looks kind of tasty
hail2daking rebranded a classic breakfast in exactly the wrong way
clovercat at least made it easier to get tested for COVID-19
a particular individual stepped up efforts to revive a familiar Office assistant
DarkJohnson found out what happened to water that used to be on Mars
Yammering_Splat_Vector ruined everyone's Life
noazark discovered a family living in this water tower
Alligator put the corn in cornona. Wait....
DarkJohnson gave the future of law enforcement a more retro appearance
RedZoneTuba did the "Petticoat Junction" water tower thing

Captions:
From Caption this proud hunter with his trophy:
medius knew how this pup felt after destroying his prey
MechaPyx heard all the excuses for this mess
markie_farkie discovered that this pooch had another surprise for his people

Fartist Friday: A Portrait of the F'artiste: Selfie Edition
cowgirl toffee apparently really enjoys showers

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: "There once was a Fark Artist from Nantucket..." Create a social-distancing themed limerick

About Fartist Friday:
Fartist Friday is a weekly contest to help keep you entertained by giving you a way to show off your artistic skills - or lack thereof - during this time of social distancing. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the following Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays with commenting closed until an hour before they show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close to both comments and voting at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

Farktography:
MorningBreath won Farktography Contest No. 781: "You Card" with a message you might get from Stevie Wonder

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.

A message from Fark's Modstaff:

It's been a while since we've had one of these, so bear with us while we get started. Please read this entire header before jumping into the meat of the thread so that we can avoid excess clutter questions that were answered in the introduction.

Who is Moderator? Since it's no big secret we'll just get it out of the way and tell you Moderator is a shared account accessible by all of the Fark moderators and admins. Because we expect a flurry of questions in this thread, we have several mods who will take individual questions and reply with the Moderator account. Once they take a question, that mod will be handling the question, and its subsequent follow-ups if necessary. If the conversation stalls out, gets into minutiae, or conflicts with the NDA all modmins are bound by, the mod may move onto another subject - there are lots of users with lots of questions expecting an answer. We won't be able to get to all of them, but we'll try to get as many as possible. So your question could be picked by any of a dozen or so modmins - but we're not going to make the mods put themselves out there on their personal user accounts. If there's an issue you still have questions about, you can always hit us up at Farkback (please don't confuse Farkback with reporting comments).

What questions will we answer? Full disclosure - we have compiled a list of FAQs and have pre-made answers for them so that modmins can quickly copypasta responses without worrying about typos or turns of phrases that can be misinterpreted. So if Moderator answers your question with general phrasing that doesn't exxxactly match your question, this is why. It's nothing nefarious, but a way for us to get the general idea conveyed and used as a starting point for follow-up questions.

General questions about headlines, greenlights, links, submission queue abuse, etc will be taken by an Admin. General questions about moderation, timeouts, verboten content, posting guidelines will be taken by a Moderator.

We will discuss any topic in general that doesn't conflict with our collective NDA, but we'll try to be as open as we can. We won't discuss individual users, specific user violations, permabanned users etc. In other words, keep it general, not personal and specific.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Tl;dr sign up for TotalFark and BareFark if you can.  Or purchase some Farks2Give. See below.

I'm not expecting ad revenues to rebound anytime soon - I've talked to other folks who work at digital media companies and it's the same everywhere: ad revenues are down 50%-70%.  There's some hope out there that companies that are suited toward lockdowns, such as delivery services etc, will realize there's a marketing bargain to be had. I'm optimistic that they're right but I have no evidence so far.  The IAB predicted in a survey that ad spending is going to be down at least 50% for the foreseeable future - for all digital media.  It's unfortunate that revenue is down while traffic is up - especially on weekends since no one's going anywhere.  

As I mentioned last week, this is hitting pretty much everyone in digital media.  Subscribe to your local newspaper as well if you can. All the ones near where I live furloughed their employees.

Sometime between now and next week, we're going to test what happens if we block ad blockers for 24 hours.  During that test, if you need adblock for technology or usability reasons and can't afford BareFark, email us and we'll set you up with BareFark at no charge.  We don't want to cause financial hardship for anyone.  

We applied for an SBA disaster loan last week, but so far we haven't been able to apply for the paycheck protection program because for some reason our bank was behind the curve on getting their program together - however we're talking to them today (as I'm writing this, in fact) so hopefully we'll see some progress.  

On the plus side, we had about 1,100 people sign up for TotalFark and about 900 people sign up for BareFark in the past week.  Thank you all so much. That helps, but we could still use more signups. If you haven't signed up for either, or both, now would be a particularly good time to do it.  

For folks looking for additional ways to help, the Fark Dev team worked through the weekend and retooled our gift subscription program.  Now you can buy 1, 5, 25, or however many gift months of TotalFark in one go that you might want to purchase. You can either buy them for yourself to use later, you can give them to others later, or you can give them to others when you buy them.  We're calling them Farks2Give, because, as we all know, no one should be all out of Farks2Give. There's more information about Farks2Give on the FArQ page. By the way, this helps us in a similar way to how it helps your local restaurants to buy gift certificates right now, give some thought to that as well if you can.  

This week on the Fark and Schnitt Podcast, I go into a bit more detail about how Fark is doing, and tease something we're going to launch next week to help on the revenue side of things.  We talk briefly about those we know who were lost to COVID-19 - some of you may or may not know that Fountains of Wayne were Farkers thanks to Chris Collingwood turning the rest of the band on to us.  And to finish on a more upbeat note, we do a quick hit roundup of morons being morons, because why would anyone want to stop being dumb during a pandemic?

Finally, Dallan and I are still experimenting with an almost-daily Fark livestream, you can find it at twitch.tv/drewcurtis.  We did one last night at 7:30 p.m., we're looking to do another one today at 2 p.m., which might have passed by the time the newsletter goes out, but you can watch the video recap on Twitch, Facebook, or YouTube anytime you want.  We cover what's important in today's news cycle, what's not getting enough attention, the news cycle's meta for the day, then some silly stuff, then some cat videos. Also, my dad likes it. Come check it out.  

I hope you all are well and safe. 
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
pkjun revealed this one weird trick for taking over the country
optikeye explained why squirrels cause power outages so often
gonegirl shared a story about a grocery store worker who needed to work on phrasing
Snapper Carr was disappointed by a missed opportunity for an easy joke
BafflerMeal was impressed by what one do-it-yourself face mask could accomplish
dready zim let us know not all pets have been enjoying having people home all day
nyseattitude saw no need to go changing anything
And neither did We Ate the Necco Wafers
EvilEgg knew something else about a woman who lost her jobs as tattoo artist, a professional traveling chalk artist, and a director of administration at an event center
Ivo Shandor had one thing to say about a new case of Ebola in the Democratic Republic of the Congo

Smart:
pkjun figured that a photo doesn't really show anything bad
aimtastic thought there might be a reason for the weight a woman gained that her fiance complains about
parasol discussed being immune to a virus once you've had it and recovered from it
TWX talked about the reason why sometimes you need to push the button, sometimes you don't
wademh pointed out how face masks still provide protection even if they don't block everything
potierrh appreciated the useful example a Fark thread was providing
moos offered advice on what to do if your fiance is complaining about your weight gain
ecmoRandomNumbers shared stories illustrating the importance of wearing helmets when recommended for the vehicle you're operating
wejash emphasized the limits on a small study comparing the effectiveness of types of masks in blocking COVID-19
Boondock3806 did the math on the correct course of action if COVID-19 kills 60,000 people in the U.S. by August

CSB Sunday Morning: Unexpectedly running into someone you know
Smart: Auntie Cheesus shared a story about a couple of trips to the doctor
Funny: MorningBreath impressed a college classmate by managing to complete a difficult task

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please contact Farkback ahead of time, or just submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening. If you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies. Please note: While submitted CSB Sunday Morning threads have a high likelihood of being greenlit, there is no guarantee they will be. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: MBK answered Murflette's question about why a couple was driving around with mannequin legs sticking up in the back of their vehicle. Amusingly, Murflette did try to ask this in the earlier thread, but apparently was ignored and could not stop thinking about it five days later
Smart: Nadie_AZ had advice for someone having to drop a sibling off at the hospital with COVID-19 symptoms
Funny: Hyperbolic Hyperbole explained why strangers were taking photos of craigzy's house
Smart: hubiestubert has some experience with the kind of help people need when they're fighting for their lives
Smart: flucto had an idea of how to know when "all this is over at last"
Smart: Beeblebrox gave some bad health advice

Politics Funny:
FlashHarry guessed at what kind of recommendations Erick Erickson might get based on the cross in front of his house
Byno stood up for a woman who thought the pandemic was a hoax
markie_farkie took some guesses as to what Donald Trump referring to when he tweeted, "WE WILL BUILD IT AGAIN!"
propasaurus helpfully reminded bloobeary to stay on topic in a thread about Medicare eligibility age and student debt
Al Roker's Forecast revealed the U.S. Post Office's response to Trump refusing to help them stay afloat

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
The Third Man helped out when there was confusion over Trump's offensive nickname for Elizabeth Warren. Thanks SFSailor for calling attention to that comment, and I hope this makes this timeline a little more just.

Politics Smart:
Action Replay Nick saw reason to hope for Boris Johnson's full recovery
fifthofzen argued that Trump dumped California before California dumped Trump
Gubbo pointed out why we should've known that the federal government would start taking personal protective equipment shipments meant for states and hospitals
Butterflew talked about what it's like being in one of the states that's having its PPE order seized by feds
Marcus Aurelius figured that health care can still work with capitalism, but with some adjustments


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
clovercat discovered that the Rabbit of Caerbannog has evolved
noazark found out who ruined the corn flakes
FarkingIceHole showed us why they call it the Astro Slide
noazark figured out how to take advantage of this building's interesting facade
Alligator proved that Sully could've landed in a better place than the Hudson
hail2daking reminded us about the hard work that health care workers are doing right now
Yammering_Splat_Vector went a little overboard on the cadmium yellow
hail2daking had an Easter parade that lacked social distancing, but did have masks
Driver got a worker and a supervisor to clean this messy hillside
hail2daking went shopping for a new apartment

Captions:
From Caption this audible drone:
CrossEyed had super urgent information about your vehicle
guestguy lost the most important file on any computer

Fartist Friday: Cupboard & cabinet creations
farrrrrt built a questionable robot

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: "Make Your Own Wilson" while we're stuck at home, inspired by  "Castaway." Get hands-on artsy crafty with materials at home and show us your real-life creation. Use googly eyes, Sharpies, paint, etc. - let your creative flag fly!   

About Fartist Friday:
Fartist Friday is a weekly contest to help keep you entertained by giving you a way to show off your artistic skills - or lack thereof - during this time of social distancing. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the following Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays with commenting closed until an hour before they show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close to both comments and voting at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

Farktography:
gregscott won Farktography Contest No. 779: "Free For All 2" with this friendly hummer

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz, although no one's volunteering for the ankle monitors to go with our collective house arrests. The 1000 club has three socially distant members this week, but unfortunately there's no sportsball to watch at the bar. budjones takes the top spot with 1038, followed by maddog2030 in second with 1037 and bingethinker in third with 1007. PureBounds made fourth with 993. and wearsmanyhats makes the top five with 988.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz is over what bargain a British driver not only defied stay-at-home rules to drive a 220-mile round trip to pick up, but made his wife ride in the trunk so his ebay find could ride in front. Only 32% of quiztakers knew that it was windows he was picking up. All I gotta say it had better have been a beautiful bay window for his wife's sitting room. 

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over how British police went about making the former rock quarry known as "the Blue Lagoon" a little less Instagram friendly. 92% of people knew they just dumped in a bit of non-toxic black dye, which made it a little less photogenic, unless you're filming one of those post-apocalyptic movie scenes where the mutated antagonist rises from black liquid ooze to terrorize the heroes.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over a "loach," an aquatic creature found in both Japanese dojou restaurants and in the new Animal Crossing game. Only 25% of quiztakers knew it was a kind of fish. From what I here, there both a tasty treat and a great way to farm resources in video games.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the new limited-edition flavor of Doritos available in Australia. 85% of quiztakers knew you could pick up some Mountain Dew flavored tortilla chips because this is the world we live in. No word on if Taco Bell will soon be making taco shells in this flavor, but it would not surprise me.

Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Tl;dr sign up for TotalFark and BareFark if you can.

This one's hard for me because I'm usually the one who keeps things positive.  An unintended side effect of that is that I often appear to be unconcerned. It's not that I'm unconcerned, it's just that for me personally I find that fear and panic get in the way of good decision making.  The guy at the top has to hold everyone else together.

I want to say Fark's going to be fine, that we're going to get an SBA loan or that the paycheck protection program won't run out of money before our application clears.  But truthfully, I don't know that any of that will happen.  

Here's the bad news:  The first week of April's ad revenue is in the books.  I'm not going to lie: it's dire. For the first week of April, Fark's ad revenue was down over 50% from last year.  This is much worse than what the IAB predicted in a survey last week, which seemed to indicate a 33% drop, which still would have been brutal but obviously way better than the 50% we're now seeing.  This is industry-wide by the way - it's happening to every digital media property simultaneously. Additionally, that 50% revenue drop Fark saw last week would have been even lower except Fark's traffic lately is up quite a lot - especially on weekends, where traffic has nearly doubled.  Before the pandemic, traffic on weekends would drop in half - a pattern that has held steady for 20 years. This is no longer the case.  

The somewhat good news is that last week, a bunch of you signed up and sponsored others for TotalFark and BareFark accounts.  That is hugely helpful - thank you so much!  And a special thanks to everyone who submitted sponsorship threads, including Warthog and the LP gang, null, and I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That.  Even with that amazing and generous showing, we still need more subscriptions if we're going to survive this.  Please sign up today if you can. 

I hate to ask because I know that other folks are worse off.  Your local newspaper is probably not going to make it either. They're even more dependent on advertising than Fark is, they probably have way more employees than we do, and they're in exactly the same boat.  If you can, subscribe to your local news websites. Also if you can, order from your local restaurants doing takeout. If you're super lucky, hopefully you can order beer or cocktails to go as well. For example, I heard from one friend in Nashville that they've seen pickup trucks with kegs of beer cruising neighborhoods and selling growler fills.  

Meanwhile, I'll be doing everything I can to keep things going on our end.  Because (and only because) we're running out of options, sometime in the next two weeks, we're going to test blocking ad-blockers for a 24-hour period to see what impact that makes on revenue.  If it's minimal, we'll retain ad-blocking, because I get it no one (including me) likes ads, and I know some readers need to use ad blockers for accessibility reasons. If the impact of the test is substantial, I'll update in a future Fark NotNewsletter what we decide to do.  We don't have the luxury of having a choice in the matter anymore. Signing up for TotalFark and BareFark would be a fantastic alternative to ad blocking, however.  BareFark in particular because it removes all ads from Fark.  

We're also experimenting with new projects to capture new audience share - I'm live streaming a not-so-serious daily news summary Tuesday - Friday that is worth a look.  The main host site can be found at twitch.tv/drewcurtis, but we'll be simulcasting across YouSpace and FaceTube and the rest here shortly.  Videos of previous streams can be seen at my Twitch channel as well, and eventually on the other SpaceTubes, too. My dad likes it. That's a huge endorsement right there.  We're hoping to do an evening stream this Friday during which I will be drinking the entire time. So heads up politics tab - it's been a rough week.  

Speaking of other initiatives, in this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, Todd gives us an update from inside the Manhattan hot zone.  We've got a discussion about the world's oldest profession moving from offline to online, branching out into therapy even. And we discuss what America 2.0 may look like.  Check it out - it's more serious than usual, but it's good. Download from iTunes or wherever you find your podcasts

I hope you all are safe and well.  We're all in this together.

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We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
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Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Farking Clown Shoes showed how we felt on March 1st versus how we felt on March 31st
jim32rr expressed condolences and hope to another Farker
6nome shared a sexy poster from the 70s and 80s
Giant Clown Shoe felt like an entirely different but superficially similar person
coronavirus reacted to an opinion about pandemic modeling
Dead for Tax Reasons noticed something about a contaminant that caused Zantac to be pulled from the market
oldernell was prepared for the sudden rush of people buying out seeds to grow their own food
Thong_of_Zardoz prepared for the milkocalypse
Grumpy Cat had a name for what Dean Cain and most of us look like now
Demetrius did not react to a photo of a man who hosted a "corona potluck"

Smart:
brantgoose argued that viruses can't be killed
Xai explained why efforts to flatten the curve on COVID-19 transmission is not just "hiding infections in the future"
That Guy What Stole the Bacon shared a story about parents having strange beliefs about where they'll be safe right now
GoOutBlazing plans on earning that nickname, hopefully a long time from now
Jerry Curlan's Horsey shared a story about people who know better but do the dumb thing anyway
nmrsnr pointed out the significance of a sentence buried in an article claiming that half of people infected with the novel coronavirus are asymptomatic
question_dj figured that a former COVID-19 skeptic's belief that the news media was using the panic to distract us from something else wasn't without precedent
Bootleg apparently didn't pay enough attention in history class
DrewCurtisJr came up with a solution to the problem of people having coronavirus parties that should satisfy everyone

CSB Sunday Morning: That time boredom struck and you chose poorly
Smart (tie): Redh8t described what happens when construction crews get bored after hours
Smart (tie): The adults in silvervial's family learned what happens when you release kids into the woods after they've been snowed in for five days  
Smart honorable mention: TexasPeace and some friends explored actual Nazi tunnels while attending third grade at a U.S. Army post in Germany
Funny: ytterbium learned as a little kid that sometimes the only person you can count on is yourself

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please contact Farkback ahead of time, or just submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening. If you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies. Please note: While submitted CSB Sunday Morning threads have a high likelihood of being greenlit, there is no guarantee they will be. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: rcf1105 had excellent advice for attending video conferences while working from home
Funny: MissFeasance shared some important information about practicing safe sex
Funny: ThomasPaineTrain showed someone who was feeling defensive after an earthquake in Idaho
Smart: loveblondieo did some very smart things
Funny: croesius explained how to make a copy of a YouTube video

Politics Funny:
OptionC had questions about Donald Trump invoking the Defense Production Act
Dead for Tax Reasons had a message for a train engineer who intentionally derailed a train because of a conspiracy theory
Polezni Durak made an illustration more illustrative
Jack Sabbath recalled Dr. Anthony Fauci's first career
brap shared one of Trump's nonsensical tweets

Politics Smart:
edmo had reasons for not buying the official story for why the captain of the Theodore Roosevelt was relieved of his command
kbronsito suggested a new role for Brett Crozier
PluckYew wanted the news media to handle any golf outings Trump has in a certain way
arrogantbastich reacted to "Four things only libertarians can see about COVID-19"
skozlaw defended a Fark headline comparing U.S. deaths from COVID-19 to deaths on 9/11


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
The first NINE winners are from Add a Sesame Street character to a famous work of art:
hail2daking found proof that chocolate chip cookies were actually created by God
PhotoshopCrazy showed us what Beaker does when he's not working
PhotoshopCrazy proved we don't always see ourselves as others see us
Yammering_Splat_Vector found Vincent van Gogh's most obscure self portrait
opalakea showed that sometimes Rowlf acts just like other dogs
Herb Utsmelz let us see what this artist's mother really looked like
noazark ran into the problem of birds' ears not having external parts
hail2daking gave Oscar the Grouch a new place to eat
DarkJohnson captured the Swedish Chef in a reflective moment
This Is Bold Text was not proud of this

Captions:
From Caption this confrontation:
Albert911emt knew what squirrels want to talk about
TheSteelCricket heard an angry warning
RedZoneTuba could tell these two were fighting over who's more masculine

Fartist Friday: Make a mask from things you have on hand
LucyBrew made a mask from 99% natural materials

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake:
For our Fark Artists of all skill levels, this week's Fartist Friday theme: "Cupboard & Cabinet Creations": Raid your stashes and showcase your favorite social distancing provisions! Difficulty: the only provisions allowed to be showcased are cans, cartons and paper goods like TP (if you're lucky enough to have any). Dress up your refreshing can of Fresca in a crown. Present your bog roll stash (pre-used, please) with pizzazz. Toss that can of water chestnuts aside and put your Spaghettios decorated front and center in a masterpiece d'resistance. You get the gist. Ignore what the grownups say: Play with your food! But, carefully please - no use crying over spilled canned milk.

About Fartist Friday:
Fark's working on ways to keep you entertained during this time of social distancing. To start, we're posting weekly "art" contests with different themes and media, which we're tentatively calling Fartist Friday - let us know if you have a suggestion for a better name. We ran our first Fartist Friday contest two weeks ago, MSPaint your pet or your dream pet. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the following Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays with commenting closed until an hour before they show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close to both comments and voting at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

Farktography:
freakingmoron won Farktography Contest No. 778: "Apocalypse Now" with these young sprouts

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another good time on the Quiz last week, with two people making it into the 1000 club, where they will remain social distant while watching a reply of the 1978 World Series Game III on the big screen. general tso takes top honors with 1015, followed by Bruce Campbell vs Army of Farkness in second with 1014 and urethra_franklin in third with 973. Texa$ took fourth with 936, and Mztlplx rounds out the top five with 931.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over what you get when you adopt a pet from Midwest Animal Rescue and Service. Only 22% of quiztakers knew that a furry friend will also net you a nice supply of Busch "beer" -  enough to have about two cans a day for the next three months, or throw one good party that will make your friends think less of you.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over Nicolás Maduro and the narco-terrorism charges brought against him by the US. 87% of quiztakers knew that he was the president of Venezuela. although for how much longer is anyone's guess. 

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about the New Bob Dylan song "Murder Most Foul". Only 38% of quiztakers knew that it was 17 minutes of Dylan rambling on about the assassination of John F. Kennedy, although with Dylan, we're going to have to take his word because good luck trying to decipher the actual lyrics.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the Falkland Islands and which country had offered them assistance. 93% of quiztakers knew that it was Argentina that offered the coronavirus tests and medical help, and who is in a long dispute about the ownership of the Islands with the UK. No word if they get BBC programming there or their stance on Brexit.

Congratulations to the winners, and be sure to check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz.