I thought maybe you weirdos would find it helpful to have a little Fark cheat sheet with tips and links for common Fark needs. So bookmark this, print it out (that won't really help you with the links, but it would make lovely wall art), and tell your llama about it, because you might need this stuff in the future.
 
• Fark posting rules - Basic posting rules, expanded (more detailed) posting rules
• Report a headline error or a link problem - "Report this link to admins" link at the bottom of the applicable thread
• Report a comment - Radioactive symbol above the comment, on the right side
• See if your moderator/admin reports have been processed yet - Fark mod/admin Notification Forum  (this is only visible to you and mods/admins, does not include messages to Farkback)
• Make a complaint, offer feedback, give a suggestion, ask a question, discuss moderator/admin issues - Farkback (make sure your email address is current so you receive your replies)
• Report a technical error, glitch, bug report - Do not submit a thread about it. Please contact Farkback immediately and use the "technical errors" option in the dropdown
• Report a bad ad - "Report" link under any ad on the page, or Farkback if that's not an option (more about bad ads)
• Test out a comment, write out DIT (details in thread) before submitting a thread, etc. - Scratchpad test board (only you and mods/admins can see what you post here)
• Plan a Fark Party - Fark Party submission form
• Fark is down - Beerspill
• Need more Fark - TotalFark signup
• Don't want to see ads - BareFark signup
 
XOXO,
DisseminationMonkey
 
________________________
 
A couple of messages from Drew Curtis:  
________________________   
 
Hey all,
 
Fark is taking part in the Red Alert for Net Neutrality tomorrow.
 
The US Senate is headed for a mid-May vote on a Congressional Review Act (CRA) resolution to block the FCC's repeal of net neutrality. Starting on May 9th, and carrying through until the vote, the Internet will "go red" to raise awareness and ensure that lawmakers hear from their constituents, who overwhelmingly support restoring open Internet protections.
 
Fark is participating - you'll see an alert in the corner of your screen, raising awareness for this issue. 
 
In a previous Fark NotNewsletter, I wrote up my experience with net neutrality in the early 2000s.
 
We're still passionate about net neutrality now, almost 20 years later. Please read up on the current resolution up for vote and contact Congress in support of net neutrality. 
 
________________________    
 
Hey everyone.  Special promotion through the end of May: If you happen to buy TotalFark or BareFark (no ads!), or if your subscription renews, we'll be picking one of you at random to do a profile on for the Fark NotNewsletter (with your permission, of course).  On the off chance you happen to live near anywhere I happen to be - and with my travel schedule that could literally be anywhere in North America - I'll come visit in person and buy you a beer or three.  So if you've been waiting to buy a subscription, or if you've been thinking you should get on that but haven't gotten around to it yet, now's a really good time!
 
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________  
 
Comment Mentions
 
Rudy Giuliani - 989
Lava - 212
Prom dress - 39
Kanye West - 466
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
Funny:
redoctober65 found a good reason to believe Bill Gates' flu pandemic warning
Monkeyfark Ridiculous figured out what "mistakes" made the New York Times metro editor resign
thatguyoverthere70 shared an update from Cliff Claven
lucksi was a very confused vegan
Thong_of_Zardoz asked some "smart" devices what 10 to the power of 308 is
I want your skull was startled by some news out of Chicago
bearded clamorer helpfully gave an example of a common problem
SBinRR got clarification on cancer that former Auburn students are developing in their eyes
Chris Ween explained why Amazon listed an "adult" toy in a search for outside toys for a kids' party
MagicBoris had a plan for an alternative to buying some outside toys for that kids' party
 
Smart:
SomeAmerican commented on the reaction to some American teen's prom dress
Leandros A pointed out something about men who would murder because of sexual frustration
Pocket Ninja reacted to the idea of driving an automatic transmission because manual is "more work"
koder saw something suspicious in Alabama's department of health not declaring a cancer cluster
dorko16 discussed what happens to steel beams in burning buildings
hubiestubert noticed that someone has been silent about James Shaw Jr.'s actions
Pocket Ninja thought that reducing a teen's allowance to $1000 per month was part of a plan
serpent_sky took a guess at where all the teenage burger flippers went
ox45tallboy talked about why the Marvel cinematic universe has been so successful
RodneyToady gave an example of the legal definition of "attempt"
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny:  meg12279 had some advice for someone looking to hook up on Fark
Funny:  CommieTaoist figured out who was complaining about missing Twitter
Funny:  Mrs.Sharpier had a message for any suitors who would snoop in the medicine cabinet
Smart:  Satan's Chocolate Starfish gave an argument for post offices offering basic banking services
Funny:  Adjective Bird Whiskey explained why a Farker's pants were suddenly falling apart
 
CSB Sunday Morning:  Museum visits
Smart:  tenalquot got to shake hands with a moonwalker at Kennedy Space Center
Funny:  Oakenraven has an irrational hatred of a particular fabric design
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (you'll want to write out your intro first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
duppy slightly altered the "fark your feelings" couple
RJReves was traumatized by a Fark headline
HawgWild suggested another question for Robert Mueller to ask Donald Trump
naughtyrev explained why Devin Nunes didn't read Justice Department records that he demanded
hissatsu was ready to complete an impressive art collection
 
Politics Smart:
I Browse addressed the idea that slavery was a "choice"
Befuddled was worried about the selection of judges
DeaH discussed the negative use of the word "elite"
wademh talked about what was important about paying off Stormy Daniels
vpb compared murder rates in some cities
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Yammering_Splat_Vector soaked in it
RedZoneTuba shared A Tale of Two Keanus
wickedfish made some pups jealous
RedZoneTuba gave this woman better keyboards
wickedfish showed a thieving dog
ionthrust exposed a naughty kitty
ElectronChaser took out some aggression on an old machine
p51d007 revealed the tragedy that befell this ship
ElectronChaser showed a younger Bill Cosby appearing oddly happy to be arrested
Dodger found that Bill the Cat is looking unwell
 
Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 678: "Look Up in the Sky" ened in a tie between Circusdog320's shot of the International Space Station and CiliarySpasm's view from the bottom
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Saturday, June 23: Chicago Fark Party
 
 
Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)     
 
We had another great quiz last week, and wound up with two members of the exclusive and elusive 1000 club. M-G is our winner this week with 1040, followed by markedits in second with 1019. jaksmata made third with 992, with foo monkey in fourth with 961 and The_Philosopher_King rounding out the top 5 with 940.
 
The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was over which tech company held and Earth Day concert featuring Ziggy Marley and powered completely by solar energy. Only 26% of quiztakers knew that although they're not known for developing solar energy technology, Apple sure does implement it a lot - the entire roof of their new headquarters is completely covered by solar cells. Ziggy Marley was apparently proud of the solar technology as well.
 
The easiest question on last week's Hard Quiz was over what piece of kitschy decor got Florida Man arrested this time. 81% of quiztakers knew that a Sebastian man was arrested for domestic battery after throwing a Big Mouth Billy Bass at his partner, striking him in the head. Bigger news is that someone still has one of those things, and even bigger news is that someone has one of those things that still works.
 
The hardest Question on last week's Hard Quiz was over which HBO showrunners did a commentary track for the upcoming DVD release of the new season of Rick and Morty. Only 42% of quiztakers knew that star Peter Dinklage had hung out with the Game of Thrones showrunners to talk about the infamous "Pickle Rick" episode. Because when I think Pickle Rick, I think dragons and naked people. Then again, lots of things make me think of dragons and naked people, so...
 
The easiest question on last week's Easy Quiz was over what can get you a conviction for a hate crime in the UK. 88% of quiztakers knew that when living in jolly old England, it's not a Good Idea to teach your girlfriend's pug to perform a Nazi salute. Judging by how high the little pug could reach, I'm assuming his friend Kyle is not very tall at all.
 
Once again, congratulations to the winners. If you missed last week's quiz, you can catch up on it here.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe)
 
Thank you to all our submitters and thank you to our TotalFark voters!  Here are a few of our favorites from this week's Headlines of the Week.
 
MAIN
 
A series of earthquakes under Kilauea volcano indicate a new eruption is possible. Peter and Bobby apologize and promise to return the Tiki
 
SPORTS
 
Jim Abbott gives Shaquem Griffin a hand for his NFL Draft selection
 
GEEK
 
Are you having trouble hearing these silent GIFs? Let us TURN UP THE VISUAL MOTION
 
I see you're cloning an extinct apex predator there. Seen any movies in the last 25 years?
 
ENTERTAINMENT
 
1. Prince is dead 2. One probably shouldn't eat stones. 3. I doubt the existence of Quinoa and Gluten
 
POLITICS
 
Former U.S. Attorney who originally hired James Comey as an Assistant U.S. Attorney calls Trump a liar. In other news, Trump begins search for new lead attorney
 
BUSINESS
 
 *DING* "You are now free to gloat about the cabin"
 
DISCUSSION
 
Is this prom dress gorgeous or offensive? Hey, at least we're not arguing about the color
 
________________________ 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

Hey, it's May now, and blah blah blah I really don't have anything to say about that, but enjoy this week's Fark NotNewsletter!
 
________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________   
 
Hey everyone.  Special promotion through the end of May: If you happen to buy TotalFark or BareFark (no ads!), or if your subscription renews, we'll be picking one of you at random to do a profile on for the Fark NotNewsletter (with your permission, of course).  On the off chance you happen to live near anywhere I happen to be - and with my travel schedule that could literally be anywhere in North America - I'll come visit in person and buy you a beer or three.  So if you've been waiting to buy a subscription, or if you've been thinking you should get on that but haven't gotten around to it yet, now's a really good time!
 
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________  
 
Comment Mentions
 
Waffle House - 323
Toronto - 468
Bill Cosby - 398
Golden State Killer - 28
Michelle Wolf - 717
Korea - 877
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
Funny:
The Third Man took issue with Farkers making jokes about the Toronto attacker meowing in high school
Barfmaker sarcastically reacted to news that an unarmed man stopped the Waffle House shooter
North_Central_Positronics had a solution for a teen charged with felony vehicular homicide who still wants to go on a cruise
Candygram4Mongo had a plan for fixing The Daily Mail
skinink found that the Toronto van attack suspect was confused about something
Unobtanium gave the steps for stopping a bad guy with a gun
wademh found that the fear of many gun owners has come true
Naido paraphrased the words of a man who dared the police to tase him
Apparently, Fark is Barfmaker's personal erotica site
PreMortem disagreed with the idea that Drax from "Guardians of the Galaxy" has autism
 
Smart:
Uncle Eazy brought up something that would have made it harder to disarm the Waffle House shooter
blastoh discussed the results of some other times that unarmed people took down shooters
skepticultist described men who call themselves "incel"
lennavan thought that the Waffle House shooting could have turned out differently
Chariset explained how some murderers think of women
Cpl.D checked out what incels have to say and reported back
what_now pointed out that just getting laid won't fix an incel
the Mole of Production heard you like the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon
HotWingConspiracy noted a dark aspect of the internet
Omaha! saw evidence that the man who intentionally ran over people in Toronto actually did know how to drive
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny:  JerseyTim helped out with an opinion about drama between radio DJs
Smart:Adjective Bird Whiskey gave practical advice on receiving wedding gifts
Smart:  Al_Ed described a TFDer in three words
Funny:  Ceteris Paribus says knew exactly what to do when the honey guy is late
Funny:  JerseyTim pointed out one time when the anser is not "sex"
 
CSB Sunday Morning: When in Rome
Smart:  W_Scarlet learned about construction and engineering in an unorthodox place
Funny:  GRCooper shared a story about trying hash while studying abroad
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (you'll want to write out your intro first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
duppy showed how Trump feels about Melania enjoying Obama's company
This Is Bold Text wanted one outcome from Donald Trump's lawyer paying a woman to keep quiet about an abortion
fifthhorseman thought that the "Fox & Friends" hosts' expressions were familiar
Boo_Guy captioned a photo of Melania Trump and Barack Obama at Barbara Bush's funeral
bainsguy appreciated some Fox News reactions
 
Politics Smart:
OdradekRex seemed to recall Trump claiming that only guilty people assert their Fifth Amendment rights (im14u2c found video)
aaronx responded to Trump fans being upset when people criticize Trump
Raoul Eaton thought that Micheal Cohen's decision to plead the Fifth would help Stormy Daniels
Yanks_RSJ discussed how Trump's interview with "Fox & Friends" ended
Cyberluddite explained the ramifications of taking the Fifth in a civil case
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
ElectronChaser knew what this bathing guy really needed
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed a belated funeral
Iggie found an ecstatic chestburster
RedZoneTuba discovered that Flint's water problems persist
RedZoneTuba revealed one of Trump's daydreams
RedZoneTuba showed this bather relaxing even more
Svatch helped this Shiva get his mecca lecca high
Mojongo found a new job for Trump
Wrongo showed us where Eric Trump is hanging out
wickedfish finally made alcohol even better
 
Farktography:
Earguy won Farktography Contest No. 677: "Happy Little Accidents" with a surreal photo of a doggo's impressive mlem
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Saturday, June 23: Chicago Fark Party

What would you like to have 10 million of? Legs? You'll spend a fortune in socks, but I wish you luck, my friend. Tarantulas? I hope you reach your goal, but I won't be visiting you if you do. Pterodactyls? I'll be impressed if you get just one, to be honest with you. If you're hoping for 10 million Fark threads, though, I have some really good news for you: We just posted the 10,000,000th Fark thread!
 
I know, this is pretty exciting stuff. I'm sure you'll want to go make your mark in numero diez millones, but you also might be in the mood to reminisce, as well. Okey dokey: The ability to post comments was first added to Fark on June 14, 2000. I'd show you the first Fark thread, but that was repurposed years ago and turned into the Fark Forum, which is an open-discussion thread that never closes. Many other early Fark threads are inaccessible now because the HTML in them was bananas and they would make your browser explode or barf or something. The earliest one we have that's still functional is this one about a beer label from July 1, 2001, but archive.org has part of an earlier thread mocking Oasis from August 9, 2000. The first viewable thread we could find that celebrates a milestone is Fark's 50,000th thread on August 25, 2001. Of all the submitted Fark threads, over 800,000 of them have been greenlit, and Farkers only complained about 799,987 of them.
 
________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________   
 
Hey everyone.  Special promotion through the end of May: If you happen to buy TotalFark or BareFark (no ads!), or if your subscription renews, we'll be picking one of you at random to do a profile on for the Fark NotNewsletter (with your permission, of course).  On the off chance you happen to live near anywhere I happen to be - and with my travel schedule that could literally be anywhere in North America - I'll come visit in person and buy you a beer or three.  So if you've been waiting to buy a subscription, or if you've been thinking you should get on that but haven't gotten around to it yet, now's a really good time!
 
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________  
 
Comment Mentions
 
Barbara Bush - 337
Starbucks - 365
Sean Hannity - 1394
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
zamboni had one concern about R. Lee Ermey's death
stoli n coke imagined what Ermey's funeral might be like
stoli n coke joked about a reaction to Ermey's death
Conservative Humor made a connection
kdawg7736 thought about Ermey's interment
Mugato had another way of describing the method by which a doctor allegedly murdered his lover
bearded clamorer noticed something strange about a house
ox45tallboy learned something important from Ermey
bearded clamorer shared Donald Trump's reaction to the romaine lettuce recall
Frank N Stein had amusing memories of Gunnery Sergeant Ermey giving orders at boot camp
 
Smart:
stoli n coke imagined what Ermey's funeral might be like
edmo had an idea of why Ark Encounter's attendance numbers are down
OgreMagi objected to a term of respect
toraque reminded everyone what things were like 50 years ago
vudukungfu invited you to remove yourself from the lawn
SurfaceTension discussed one of the effects of slavery
sammyk discussed issues with H-1B visas
edmo described the cycle of homeschooling
RatMaster999 defended a teacher who brought a bazooka to class
Wolfmanjames had an idea for how the Oscars should honor Ermey
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Smart:Smock Pot gave advice on what to do if a stranger gropes you
Funny:Al_Ed had complaints about raising funds for a penis enlargement
Funny:Angry Drunk Bureaucrat knew what you shouldn't shout out during sex
Funny:EggFool knew what Farkers should say to their partners before having sex
Funny: Louisiana_Sitar_Club gave instructions for sanding a wood floor
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Adventures in dealing with customer service
Smart:  yellowcat had excellent customer service from an airline
Funny:  ox45tallboy had a difficult time making chitchat with a cashier
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (you'll want to write out your intro first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
Xcott was alarmed to find out that Sean Hannity is Michael Cohen's client
ThomasPaineTrain was excited that Hannity is Cohen's client
Cake Hunter helped a Farker who thought that an article was too hard to read
Eddie Adams from Torrance explained why a wage increase of $323/year is pretty good
foo monkey pointed out something else the judge in the Michael Cohen-Stormy Daniels Case did
 
Politics Smart:
propasaurus discussed Wikileaks threatening to countersue the DNC
BizarreMan responded to concerns that the judge in Cohen's case officiated George Soros' wedding
fusillade762 noticed something about discussions over whether or not Cohen will flip on Trump
shower_in_my_socks wanted to review some of Hannity's shows
Cubansaltyballs had a lot of predictions of what will happen to everyone involved in Trump's presidency
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Iggie assembled a new dogetag
Yammering_Splat_Vector's tag was touched by the hand of Dog
Don_cos upgraded from a tauntaun
sno man gave two paws for the price of one
p51d007 showed us what a real bass guitar looks like
Iggie created a beautiful pineconefish
RedZoneTuba replaced Spock's lute
Wrongo found out what happened to the crew of the S.S. Minnow
RedZoneTuba altered a classic comic strip
Yammering_Splat_Vector made a marathon a little more relaxing
 
Farktography:
oddmind won Farktography Contest No. 676: "The Upside Down" with this nifty beach ball
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Saturday, June 23: Chicago Fark Party

________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________   
 
Hey everyone.  Special promotion through the end of May: If you happen to buy TotalFark or BareFark (no ads!), or if your subscription renews, we'll be picking one of you at random to do a profile on for the Fark NotNewsletter (with your permission, of course).  On the off chance you happen to live near anywhere I happen to be - and with my travel schedule that could literally be anywhere in North America - I'll come visit in person and buy you a beer or three.  So if you've been waiting to buy a subscription, or if you've been thinking you should get on that but haven't gotten around to it yet, now's a really good time!
 
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________  
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
Mark Zuckerberg - 206
Michael Cohen - 3306
Paul Ryan - 273
Scooter Libby - 220
Syria - 1660
Mission accomplished - 108
Taxes - 673
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
ecmoRandomNumbers mocked a perfectly cromulent degree
Pocket Ninja was curious about just how inappropriate a school official's instructions got
Smock Pot's friend knew how to handle it when a kid is kicking your seat
wickedragon had advice for kids to make life easier
Nadie_AZ translated an ancient scroll from Herculaneum
UberDave was worried when rare-earth metals were found in Japanese waters
bearded clamorer showed what copyrighted breasts might look like
HighlanderRPI got the job done without expensive software
TheAlgebraist wondered if someone could subdue a protester who charged at Bill Cosby
WyDave had a suggestion for nipples that offended school officials for some reason
 
Smart:
EvilEgg pointed out one surefire way to make yourself less attractive
lostcat thought that some people who long for the past are forgetting something
axeeugene argued against the idea that "cigarette bans are a war on the working class"
Ghastly figured that there's a better way for China to get rare-earth materials than taking them from Japan
grumpfuff compared conspiracy theorists
This text is now purple analyzed a "road rage" video
Sgt Otter was reminded of how some people reacted to "Black Panther"
Fissile identified a turning point in airline travel
HighOnCraic pointed out that there's no pleasing a racist person
baronbloodbath saw the good things about Art Bell
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny:  JerseyTim described how the HOA felt when someone replaced a roof with the wrong color
Funny:  Badafuco was in need of some parenting
Funny:  meg12279 gave award-winning sex advice
Smart:  Brawndo is a Reuben sandwich purist
Funny:  Roman Fyseek had advice for painting a landmark house that's black with orange trim
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Workplace mistakes
Smart:  Deathbymeteor put a mistake into perspective for some complainers
Funny:  Maybe you should drive shared the story of a really stupid bank teller
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (you'll want to write out your intro first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
null,  raerae1980, DammitIForgotMyLogin, SoCalChris and raerae1980 (again) got excited about the raid on Michael Cohen's office
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat found the problem that lawmakers were having after voting against a bestiality ban
FortyHams noticed something about Louisiana senators who voted against a bestiality ban
I have no idea what to say about this post from I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That
Iowan73 predicted the outcome of the GOP's plan to discredit James Comey
 
Politics Smart:
Karac considered what went into getting a search warrant
Mr. Anon did not really want to discover something about Paul Ryan
Nadie_AZ read between the lines in a Republican's rant about Trump
Jack Sabbath predicted Paul Ryan's legacy
FortyHams suggested a talking point for people running against certain politicians
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba made Hobbes a little more real
Alligator gave this kitty an appropriate hat
RedZoneTuba found some people who are really happy to be in Hell
opalakea showed a tired sailor causing trouble in New York
ElectronChaser gave a hint as to why this kitten looks so sad
Yammering_Splat_Vector added some paint to this drawing
RedZoneTuba was a bad influence on this youngster
opalakea showed that you're to blame for what's about to happen here
ElectronChaser put the "fun" in "fungus"
sl4psh0t showed what Jimi Hendrix might be up to these days
 
Farktography:
turbocucumber won Farktography Contest No. 675: "Dogs vs Cats" with upside-down Jimmy. Make sure you check out this contest if you like photos of puppers and kittehs.
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)     
 
We had a great quiz again this week, but still no one hitting the 1000 club. In first place was the aptly named (for this week) Tax Boy with 945, followed by Seussie in second with 926, who barely edged out third place Reyito's 925. Threbus hit fourth with a nice 918, and scott4long makes the top five with 912. Congratulations, Farkers!
 
If you didn't get a chance to take it last week, you can find the Fark Weird News Quiz here.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
Here are a few of our favorite headlines from this week's greenlights. Some great puns, a few context headlines, and a few pop culture references.  If you want to get in on the voting, head over to the TotalFark signup page so you can get in on the action and help decide what gets the admins' attention to make the main page, as well as what makes this list here and eventually our Headline of the Year contest.
 
Cattle loose on Oklahoma I-44 after semi overturns. Steer clear
 
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive
 
Ack, ack... Ack, ack, ack... Ack, ACK, ACK, ack
 
Man in Tesco parking lot attacked by axe-wielding maniac. That body spray is dangerous stuff
 
$17,500 rock signed by Yoko is stolen. Oh no
 
Wrestling legend Jerry "The King" Lawler almost came and went at the same time
 
UK carries out a cyber-attack on ISIS. Seven TRS-80s and a couple of Colecovisions thought to be "severely compromised"
 
Bruce Willis will be this year's Comedy Central Roastee. Now he'll know what a TV dinner feels like
 
Paul Ryan has to be at the gym in 30 weeks
 
In-N-Out sues rival Down N' Out in what they hope will be an Open-N-Shut case
 
For some great tips on writing headlines more likely to get the greenlight, see our submitting links page. And you'll always have a better chance at a green on the weekends, when we tend to get fewer submissions - especially in the mornings. 
 
You can find the rest in the Headlines of the Week thread.
 
________________________ 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

It seems like celebratory days in honor of various animals and foods and beverages have become really popular lately, and there's no reason Fark can't hop on that bandwagon. Last week, National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day, National Burrito Day, and National Beer Day all got a lot of attention. I think it's time for Fark to start a special day in honor of something dear to us. Squirrel Appreciation Day (January 21), Guinea Pig Appreciation Day (July 16), Pickle Day (November 14) and Hot Cocoa Day (December 13) are already taken, unfortunately. However, Calamari Day, Curry Day and Clamcake Day all seem to be available. Do you have other ideas, or should we go for one of these? Let's do this!
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
Free Pizza - 23
Burrito - 116
Caramel - 23
Beer - 1177
Peanut butter - 88
Jelly - 84
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
wademh knew how Japan could increase their declining birth rate
Devolving_Spud reacted to a family's bad experience trying to go on a Disney cruise
jbc used math to uncover a conspiracy
Palined Parenthood showed what a "pet peave" might look like
Lorenzo Von Matterhorn felt optimistic about having a sexual adventure
Tr0mBoNe had a bad experience reading an article about people on Tinder
shower_in_my_socks noticed how helpful a news website was during an emergency
Xcott needed more information about cops sticking their hands down a man's pants
Eddie Adams from Torrance noted how much safer everyone will be with Backpage shut down
Karls Marxley's Rise Up and Jam wrapped up the YouTube headquarters shooting
 
Smart:
Prank Call of Cthulhu found that the YouTube headquarters shooter didn't live by her own principles
optikeye pointed out that the security team that Disney called to deal with their customers didn't work for Disney
wademh knew how Japan could increase their declining birth rate
swaniefrmreddeer used logic against a theory that aliens built the Great Pyramid
GregInIndy discussed one of the worst things about the internet
HedlessChickn reacted to news that Sacramento police hit a protester with a police vehicle
Peanutter explained the reasoning behind Disney's policy on having pregnant people on their cruises
SomeAmerican gave a lesson about our slightly-squashed planet
FrancoFile explained why unstable people are sometimes attracted to groups with strict rules
Richard_The_Clown was pleased to learn who the YouTube headquarters shooter was
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny: mitchcumstein1 knew what happened at Big Wheel fight club
Smart: Shostie gave instructions on how to check your privilege
Funny: CommieTaoist responded to the headline, "We wouldn't need to tip cows if we paid them a living wage"
Smart: BKITU shared a story about being adopted by a cat (with photo)
Funnysarahthustra explained why dick jokes are necessary
Funny: generalDisdain ran into a snarky Costco receipt checker
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Smell you later
Smart: edmo shared a story about visiting a small town every summer
Funny:rudemix shared a story about having a gas with a coworker
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (you'll want to write out your intro first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
elvisaintdead celebrated the release of a dirty Donald Trump tape
The Flexecutioner knew what Roger Stone was actually poisoned by
ralphjr showed the kinds of things White House staffers are having Fox News relay to Trump
This Is Bold Text reacted to Stormfront only allowing access to paying members
dougbert reacted to the video of Trump's encounter with Stormy Daniels
 
Politics Smart:
wademh discussed the various opinions on DACA
unixpro gave a reason to defend Amazon against Trump's attacks
wtf_over explained that teachers don't work only nine months out of the year
Praise Cheesus listed ways in which a Dutch lawyer will be punished for lying to investigators
markie_farkie was confused by the unwillingness to fund education
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba created a hot new "challenge"
Yammering_Splat_Vector came up with a tasteless bar trick
sl4psh0t found something to challenge your kids to do
p51d007 showed us why you shouldn't ride a horse across a frozen lake
SkunkWorx revealed what happens when you joke with airport security
Colour_out_of_Space issued a very frightening challenge
Yammering_Splat_Vector found the perfect person to ride this horse
RedZoneTuba showed us the coolest statue there is
Dumski stored some old Photoshop junk
sl4psh0t returned an embarrassing item
 
Farktography:
Warthog won Farktography Contest No. 674: "Squares 3" with an inbound flight
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)     
 
We had another great quiz this week, with a few thousand quiztakers vying for the top spot. Unfortunately, in the end, only one prevailed. Keyser_Soze_Death takes top honors with 936, barely nosing out der Glitzkrieg in second with 935. Tracianne nabbed third with a respectable 914, and BuckTurgidson's 898 and dougermouse's 846 round out the top five.
 
The hardest question in this week's Hard Quiz was over which school district was considering building faculty apartments on school property. Only 22% of quiztakers knew that it was Miami/Dade County schools which was proposing this solution to the high cost of housing in the area, which was causing high staff turnover. It seems that San Francisco teachers still have some unused refrigerator boxes under overpasses available.
 
The easiest question on this week's Easy Quiz was over which American gun manufacturer had declared bankruptcy. 93% of quiztakers knew that it was Remington who had filed for protections. Yes, Henry Repeating Rifles are still made today, so if you're considering a Wild West sheriff job, you can still maintain the classic image.
 
The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over what country housed an office building that tourists often mistook for the Phalloligical Museum up the street. Only 44% of quiztakers knew that an Icelandic office worker had become fed up with the dingus hunters and put up a sign on the door stating "This is NOT the penis museum". I really, really want a copy of that sign for my office door. Not sure how HR would take it (I mean, it IS true), but I'm sure people would talk about it for years.
 
The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over who nearly died from a gunshot wound after an Atlanta area homeowner mistook him for a burglar. 85% of quiztakers knew that the realty company had sent over a photographer to take interior shots, but had failed to notify the homeowner he would be coming. Luckily, the realtor also has a carpet cleaner that specializes in blood stains on speed dial.
 
Congrats to the winners of the quiz; if you didn't get a chance to take last week's, you can find it here.
 
This week's quiz will go live at 12:00 noon EST. Or you can take it now if you have TotalFark.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
Indian woman fights off tiger with stick. She's lucky it didn't just use its claws instead
 
Police officer claims he smells marijuana on man, uses that as excuse to put his hands down his pants. Something about this story just feels nuts
 
Coyote spotted in Great Falls, each ending in tiny puff of dust
 
Termite inspector finds anti-tank grenade in woman's basement. Those little bastards weren't going to give up without a fight
 
Four alarm metaphor breaks out at Trump Tower in NYC
 
Nick Saban decides that they'll just ignore LeBron's copyright infringement claims. I mean it is Alabama football, they get away with a lot bigger violations than that
 
MIT researchers create headset that lets you communicate without speaking. My middle finger does the exact same thing
 
Dave Chappelle sued by man who threw a banana at him. Experts predict an unfavorable ruling will be tossed on a peel
 
Mueller team searches and questions Russian oligarch at a New York airport, finds progressively smaller oligarchs nested inside
 
UK to ban ivory sales in 99 44/100% of the country
 
You can find the Fark Headlines of the Week here.
 
________________________ 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

It's now April, a month named for the God of Apes. Legend has it that the Ape God will return one April to lead the non-human apes in a war to take over the world. I'm not saying it's already starting, but a gibbon in Malaysia is responsible for hacking China's Tiangong-1 space lab, leading to its demise.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
David Shulkin - 104
Ronny Jackson - 33
Laura Ingraham - 463
Roseanne - 520
Tiangong-1 - 65
April Fool - 122
Sinclair - 294
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
Streetwise Hercules figured out who Fox News will attack when they're done attacking Mister Fred Rogers
Madman drummers bummers commented on the object of a youth pastor's affection turning 18
Tax Boy shared a fact about Mister Rogers' dark past
ChipNASA revealed the worst part about a woman throwing out a coworker's fried rice
Prey4reign wanted to offer encouragement to a guy with super-gonorrhea
Louisiana_Sitar_Club was not convinced of a Twitter photo's cuteness
lolumadbro was surprised by the lengths that Trump would go to
Thong_of_Zardoz came up with a challenge for young people
BullBearMS put what was missing into a scary photo
tomasso made an alarming version of Mister Rogers' theme song
 
Bonus FarkStaff Pick:   
Fabric_Man wanted to clear up a few things
In an unrelated note, if you haven't already read about  seagull pepperoni incident, head on over and do so. It's good for a few laughs.
 
Smart:
Devolving_Spud saw irony in Fox News hosts' criticisms of Mister Rogers
Eravior thought there was a different reason for Fox News to dislike Mister Rogers
EvilEgg described the kind of kids who grew up watching Mister Rogers
naughtyrev gave an example of how weird things are these days
undernova had an idea for the people sending fan mail and gifts to the Parkland school shooter
TuteTibiImperes learned something about marriage
Old_Chief_Scott told a sad story about a clueless parent
doglover had a suggestion for policing the police
Mr. Coffee Nerves predicted another step backwards in how coal companies treat employees
TuteTibiImperes thought a different approach might have worked for a troubled marriage
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny: The Pope of Manwich Village explained a Farker's "walk of shame" from someone's boat
Smart: MBK sports the Riker
Smart: RexTalionis discussed the problem with some men who fetishize Asian women
Funny: The Headless Horseman's Headless Horse is hoping for a Tinder hookup
Funny: Barry McCockner got into an argument with Barry McCockner
 
CSB Sunday Morning: I want to ride my biiiiiiiicycle
Smart: ox45tallboy told about getting a custom bicycle for Christmas
Funny: Reyito had an eventful "48 hours after spin class"
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
BizarreMan explained why the employee turnover rate in the White House isn't unusual
Ken S. discussed Laura Ingraham's fate
the.squid was thrown into a panic
scottydoesntknow knew how Trump can replace all his departing advisors
RJReves confirmed that Tomi Lahren was up to her usual shenanigans
 
Politics Smart:
bobtheme thought that turnabout would be fair play
Ambivalence discussed Democrats turning against Nancy Pelosi
Ambivalence found the anti-Santorum
Gubbo wanted journalists to adjust to Donald Trump's presidency
jake_lex pointed out the bigger problem than Laura Ingraham
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Don_cos made a very confusing playing field for Q*bert
RedZoneTuba showed us how fark back Trump's relationship with Putin goes
wickedfish found Barack Obama enjoying his retirement
Terrapin Bound made a gritty reboot of "That '70s Show"
Wrongo discovered that Barbie has made some poor life choices
RedZoneTuba hired the seven dwarfs for another dangerous job
retrophil dreamed of a new Barbie
ElectronChaser discovered how the "Lost in Space" crew fuels their ship
retrophil built a pretty sketchy-looking space station
Alligator put a blow-up doll mouth on a Barbie
 
Farktography:
CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 673: "What the L?" with some long-forgotten lightbulbs
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)     
 
We had another good one this past week, with great participation, but in the end, only one Farker stands alone in the 1000 club. scrumpox takes first with an excellent 1015, with carkiller taking second with 947. In third we have daddio with 911, followed by elpresidenteALO with 900 in fourth, and balko takes fifth with a respectable 854.
 
The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was over which retailer had partnered with handyman service Handy's for delivery, assembly, and installation, which can be purchased alongside the product both in-store and online. Only 21% of quiztakers knew that it was Walmart that had inked this deal. While Handy's will perform this service for IKEA products, IKEA has no official partnership with Handy's, and Handy's services cannot be purchased through their stores. 
 
The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over what candy you can buy in the UK to get a tan. 73% of quiztakers knew that UTanAndTone has introduced gummy bears that will darken your skin without all that annoying lying on the beach, listening to the waves, reading a book with a Greek letter in the title, and sipping something tasty with a paper umbrella in it brought to you by an attractive person who was not wearing much in the way of clothes. Who has time for that?
 
The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the theme of a burlesque show held in Salt Lake City to benefit a woman that had lost all four limbs due to an infection. Only 43% of quiztakers knew that the show had a Harry Potter theme. I can sympathize, I'm confused enough by burlesque shows anyhow, and adding in Harry Potter does not make things more clear to me.
 
The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over what artist would be releasing her latest 3-track album on "slug genitalia colored vinyl." 85% of quiztakers knew that only Björk could be that... odd. I await the arrival of this shade in trendy SoHo designer home decorating shops.
 
Thanks again to all the quiztakers. If you missed the quiz last week, you can catch up on Fark's Weird News Quiz here. 
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
Police investigate $1,300 lingerie theft from Victoria's Secret. Given slip but no bust so far
 
McDonald's French fries spilled over California freeway after truck overturns. CHiPs immediately present at accident site
 
It's not a tumor
 
Long Island judge steals neighbor's dirty underwear, leads police on brief chase. Will most likely be suspendered. Still refuses to reveal what Step Two is
 
Dead man found in woods today. Authorities will wait until Sunday to see how this plays out
 
Kraft discounts any discord in Patriots organization. Friction is 20% off, and squabbling is buy one, get one free
 
"Woman living with debilitating jerk had 15 drinks a night to cope." Strangely enough, this is not about an average married couple
 
Trump calls Roseanne about her huge ratings. DO NOT CONGRATULATE
 
Alex Jones hits the meth pipe during commercial break. Phlegm at 11
 
Waymo to buy 20,000 Jaguars for robotic ride-hailing service. "Instead of transportation, received jungle cat. Would not hail again"
 
You can see the rest of the winning Fark Headlines of the Week here.
 
________________________ 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

I don't know about you, but if I'd known Cambridge Analytica was mining my Facebook data, I'd have done a lot of things to screw with them. I'd have posted Tony the Tiger/Captain Crunch slashfic and about a thousand videos of furries wrestling in Miracle Whip. Instead, CamAnal was able to see that I commented on photos of my uncle's ferret (not a euphemism) and spent most of 2007 trying to sell my "Battlestar Galactica" spec script where Admiral Adama and President Roslin get stuck in an elevator and use their time to plan a surprise party for Colonel Tigh.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
Cambridge Analytica - 630
CamAnal - 57
DO NOT CONGRATULATE - 68
March for Our Lives - 194
60 Minutes - 231
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
Sliding Carp had an idea for a safe place for the Chinese space station to crash down
wademh offered a solution for labial fusion
Farkspeare looked on the bright side of an airline returning only a boot and a bikini top from your luggage
Derp Du Jour took a guess at the Austin bomber's name
Super Chronic knew how to handle a pit bull on a rampage in a school
iron de havilland witnessed a shocking sight while driving
vygramul found some information about the Austin bombling suspect
detonator denied all responsibility
Facts_are_for_losers shared Daft Punk's new album
Tanqueray had a plan for Facebook's post-Cambridge Analytica comeback
Walker voiced a concern about the new Mr. Rogers postage stamp
 
Smart:
lennavan disagreed with John Kelly's characterization of the U.S. military
Sneakernets discussed the idea that clear backpacks are the solution to school shootings
Dead for Tax Reasons pointed out that the family of the Austin bomber does not know what "normal" is
DarnoKonrad had a radio station recommendation
Wretschko made predictions about Trump's statements about the Austin bomber
serpent_sky wanted to have an experiment in how U.S. courts work
ox45tallboy discussed the current mindset of police officers
Fingerware Error reacted to warrants granted for information on all mobile devices in an area
AverageAmericanGuy didn't think the Austin bomber was mentally ill
AdmirableSnackbar thought police are being trained to handle things the wrong way
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny: Deece had a plan to end bullying
Funny: Earguy made a prediction based on a uvula story
Funny: LlamaGirl thought that a girth thread failed to deliver
Funny: Kouta figured out why a Farker made a mess at the urinal
Funny: IvyLady knew what it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Stories from science class
Smart: 433 had a very kind chemistry teacher
Funny: ox45tallboy had a nutty chemistry professor
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That did not appreciate a comparison
Fingerware Error knew the evil reason for teaching kids Arabic numbers
fastibartslart lamented how consequences sneak up on you
Eddie Adams from Torrance found another alarming question that Donald Trump wants answered
Miss5280 figured out what happened when Tomi Lahren stuck a gun in her yoga pants
 
Politics Smart:
Ambivalence was fed up with predictions about Robert Mueller
enry pointed out that it hasn't just been Democrats investigating Trump
Marcus Aurelius thought that Trump doth protest too much
Nied felt vindicated
FatherChaos didn't remember Trump's speeches the way Trump remembers them
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
PainInTheASP obscured some dangling tits
Don_cos showed us how Tony Montana gets deliveries
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave the Fark squirrel some tits
RedZoneTuba gave us the fight we've all been waiting for
wickedfish found the mean girl
RedZoneTuba helped Lady Liberty show off her fungus
Yammering_Splat_Vector finished renovating this house
ElectronChaser found a crabby flower
Svatch did some catalog shopping
Herb Utsmelz put this boxy man in an uncomfortable spot
 
Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 672: "Angels" ended in a tie between bobug's praying ape and  Queen Mab's sleeping cherub
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)     
 
Last week's quiz was one of our most popular in several years, with well over 5000 people taking part. Unfortunately, no one hit the 1000 club.
 
In first place was kevinatilusawith 941, followed by Keyser_Soze_Death with 938. Tied for third were edmo and i.r.id10t, each with 936. elpresidenteALO's 927 was good enough for fourth, and finishing out the top five was Seussie with 926.
 
The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over what a couple of bungling burglars left cooking on the stove in order to cover the evidence of their break-in of a former boyfriend's house. Only 39% of quiztakers knew that the go-to flame accelerant of Florida Man is spaghetti sauce. Hey, it's Florida. What can you say? I know I've burned plenty of spaghetti sauce in my day, and I'm not even from Florida. 
 
The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over which Disney Princess single-handedly freed a Boston Police wagon from a snowdrift. 85% of quiztakers knew that a Boston drag queen would be sensible enough to dress as Elsa, it being a snowstorm and all. Insert your own "Let It Go" joke here, or just consider the fact he did wearing heels.
 
The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which major sport is the first to sponsor an E-Tournament of its officially-licensed video game. Only 47% of quiztakers knew that it was the NHL, that bastion of new technology, who would be paying out cash, merchandise, and tickets to winners of this year's EA Sports NHL '18 tourney. No word if the glowing blue puck option will be available.
 
The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which radio giant had declared bankruptcy. 85% of quiztakers knew that iHeartMedia had been sucked dry by vampire capitalist company Bain Capital (the same folks who bled both Kaybee Toys and now Toys R Us into bankruptcy.) Personally, looking at what Clear Channel (IHeartMedia's previous name) did to independent radio in the '90s and '00s, I think it couldn't have happened to a more deserving company. 
 
Congratulations to the winners, and if you missed the quiz last week, you can find the last week's Fark Weird News Quiz is right here. This week's Fark Weird News Quiz is right here.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
We had a great crop of headlines this week; some categories made it very hard to choose. If you're looking to increase your chances of having your submission chosen, be sure to check out our submitting tips page for some ideas on what we look for in headlines. Also, we get the fewest submissions on weekends, so headlines submitted on Saturday and Sunday, especially in the early morning hours, stand a better-than-average chance of being selected.
 
Here are a few of our favorites from last week:
 
Game not working? Blow in the cartridge
 
Brother and sister were 'jacking it together, and family reunions will now be more difficult
 
Pregnant tourist goes wading, gives birth in Red Sea. Well, yeah, it would be
 
Meghan Markle to receive first wax job prior to Harry wedding
 
Mormon Bishop accused of misusing missionary position
 
You'd think at a fancy NBA arena they'd serve Miracle Whip
 
Newer Blood Thinners Don't Raise Bleeding Risk. DO NOT COAGULATE
 
James Comey weighs film and TV offers for his memoirs. Finally a movie about an FBI director that won't need staff from both the men's and women's wardrobe departments
 
Conservatives see Pope Francis as a threat. Maybe they should lighten up
 
Restaurant owner fires employee for refusing to go vegan, won't even meat them halfway
 
You can find the rest of the Fark Headlines of the Week right here.
 
________________________ 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

Today is the vernal equinox, which you might be disappointed to learn is not something dirty having to do with horses, but actually just means it's the first day of spring. Coincidentally, that also means that winter is over, which is bad news for "Game of Thrones" fans. It also proves that Groundhog Day is a sham and everyone's just humoring that creepy rodent every year.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
Stephen Hawking - 403
Rex Tillerson - 738
Andrew McCabe - 700
Retrievers - 34
UMBC - 187
Bracket - 292
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
fusillade762 knew how Stephen Hawking lived so long
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That was ready for an article about an unwanted kiss from Katy Perry
HenryFnord reacted to the bridge collapse in Florida
jaytkay noticed an embarrassing "American Idol" moment
Devolving_Spud deciphered a strange telephone message
Mike_LowELL was planning revenge for a news flash
Brawndo did not approve of a Chinese space station potentially crashing in the U.S.
Nicholas D. Wolfwood awaited more news about a neurosurgeon who wrecked his Ferrari
The Third Man went the long route for a "Christmas Story" reference
scottydoesntknow made the new "Tomb Raider" movie more like the game
 
Smart:
Befuddled talked about why a bridge collapsed
Hobodeluxe was talking about Stephen Hawking, but it sounds kind of like a dog
stainedglassdoll had a suggestion for someone who returned a dog for being too friendly
xaks proposed a new holiday
Pocket Ninja questioned someone's credentials as a bacon expert
rcain discussed the effects of sex offender registries
PainInTheASP talked about why a kid was suspended for his actions during the National School Walkout
NeoCortex42 made a prediction about the design of the bridge that collapsed
serpent_sky was not a fan of an article about O.J. Simpson
The Third Man wanted to believe
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny: TomFooolery thought that the strangest item a Farker mentioned owning was being overlooked
Funny: Barry McCockner shared some trivia about numbers
Funny: Old Man Winter found an obscure episode of "Black Mirror"
Smart: Dr. Tuttle revealed how a Farker could take advantage of everyone at work thinking he's gay
Funny: Louisiana_Sitar_Club called out someone who burritoes everything
 
CSB Sunday Morning: You can't explain that
Smart: cherryl taggart had a less creepy "Dolores Claiborne"/"Gerald's Game"-type crossover moment with a friend
Funny: Flab witnessed something strange and mysterious at Burger King
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
Mr. Anon explained why Steve Mnuchin won't quit his job
doctorguilty saw evidence that Donald Trump can't build a border wall
ox45tallboy pointed out the real victim of Trump's firings
Farking Clown Shoes decided to change the channel
fusillade762 wanted to be clear about schools that Betsy DeVos visited
 
Politics Smart:
Glitchwerks had an idea of what precipitated Rex Tillerson's firing
This Is Bold Text predicted how John McCain will handle his disagreements with Trump's choices
Ivo Shandor discussed Trump's plans
JohnnyApocalypse talked about Democrats' problem in regards to Nancy Pelosi
SplittingAces discussed the problem churchy white women have with Trump
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Geordles showed some men playing with a very strong dog
Wrongo found out what's happening at Bushwood Country Club
Alligator revealed what's about to happen to a strange dress
Thrakkorzog showed us a cheerleader draped over some gold digger's ass
thatguyoverthere70 helped this guy pull off some impressive dance moves
SkunkWorx blamed a colorful mess on a sweet puppy
Yammering_Splat_Vector really put the "splat" in this Photoshop
sl4psh0t gave a cheerleader something to scream about
Yammering_Splat_Vector spotted a very familiar spaceship
ElectronChaser knew what a "UFO" really was
 
Farktography:
Queen Mab won Farktography Contest No. 671: "Up & Down 2" with beautiful blue steps in Morocco
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Sunday, March 25th: Forsythe P Jones (Richard Sousa) Celebration of Life
 
 
Beyond Fark   
 
We are very sad to have lost Farker evil_twin_skippy. He was best known as a regular in the TotalFark Discussion "cafe" threads and the Livingston Stapler Company threads. You can visit evil_twin_skippy's memorial thread here.

It's daylight saving time again. I'm sure you've already changed whichever clocks don't change themselves, but make sure you also change your smoke alarm batteries, your personal assistant, and your Secretary of State.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
Sam Nunberg - 440
David Dennison - 38
Peggy Peterson - 24
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
Snapper Carr showed us Emma Watson's tattoo
Prey4reign was told by the doctor to stop fapping
Mike_LowELL had reassuring words after a problem with Oculus Rift
impaler showed one reaction to a "Snake People" error
derpes_simplex had experience with the world's smallest functioning gun
btch_cakes condemned a driver who was electrocuted after ignoring a barricade
TorpedoOrca reacted to the beginning of a very promising story
foo monkey was in a foolhardy mood
slackananda showed a diabolical scammer
SurfaceTension imagined if other things worked like airport security
 
Smart:
jaytkay had something to say about being angry about pineapple on pizza
meat0918 had a feeling about Rhode Island possibly charging people to unblock adult content on the internet
Exluddite discussed the "resisting arrest" arrest
Pocket Ninja was shocked by a life coach's point of view
you are a puppet was grateful to Martin Shkreli's judge
naughtyrev gave examples of the Bible stopping people from murdering each other
dr_blasto disagreed with an assertion about Generation X
pueblonative wondered why a judge and defense attorney weren't in jail
the_innkeeper did the math on a retirement claim and found it to be suspect
Petit_Merdeux thought there were other reasons why the U.S. military can't find enough qualified candidates
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny: Al_Ed answered the question, "Would you rather be super intelligent or super attractive?"
Funny: LineNoise found something that''s more rewarding than taking candy from a baby
Funny: WelldeadLink helpfully identified a mystery tool
Funny: IvyLady solved a bowling alley mystery
Smart: Eclectic discussed the strength of the gay mafia
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Epiphanies
Smart: Glockenspiel Hero learned that the police aren't always the good guys
Funny: LlamaMama's mother found out what a popular "Star Wars" quote meant
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
AdmirableSnackbar explained why there's a U.S. Senate seal on the floor of a Russian news show
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat suspected a video of Donald Trump supporters threatening a book store owner was fake
Things hit a little too close to home for Mike_LowELL
fusillade762 was familiar with the dating site for Trump supporters
Diogenes shared the dedication from Kim Davis' book
 
Politics Smart:
enry had a "same to you, pal" message for Dana Loesch
mrshowrules had some advice for people wanting to attack liberals
lennavan had a message for Caitlyn Jenner
Ambivalence discussed Trump's attempts to renegociate trade deals
RJReves was torn over Stormy Daniels' claims
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Don_cos showed some kids playing in the desert
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed some kids playing in front of a giant Trump
Alligator turned a cooling tower into a lovely courtyard
ElectronChaser changed a caution sign
ElectronChaser found a strangely attractive Lord Helmet playing with dolls again
sens found a bumble bird
wickedfish gave a giant blue rooster the perfect mate
sl4psh0t put these kids in a dangerous area
RedZoneTuba showed why you shouldn't steal someone's hat
retrophil put three travelers way off course
 
Farktography:
Literally Addicted won Farktography Contest No. 670: "Low Key 2" with a photo of a Chihuly sculpture
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Sunday, March 25th: Forsythe P Jones (Richard Sousa) Celebration of Life

________________________
 
A special message from toraque :  
________________________  
 
The third annual Fark Fiction Anthology is now open for submissions!
 
We're looking for short, original fiction from the Fark community, up to 10K words in length, in any of the following genres: Fantasy, Science Fiction, Humor, Horror, or Suspense/mystery/thriller.
 
Our fearless panel of editors and readers is liquored up and ready to pick the best entries of 2018, which will be published on Amazon in trade paperback and Kindle e-book editions.  All proceeds will again benefit an excellent charity, although this year I didn't even bother to ask if I could use their name since they turned us down every time in the past.
 
So are you ready for the glory of publication along with the best and brightest writers on Fark? Submit your entries here!
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
Delta - 364
Hope Hicks - 336
Tariff - 734
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
HighOnCraic summed up the Pope's message to bad Christians
HighOnCraic posted a reminder about the father of a Parkland student who doctored emails from CNN
ZAZ either mistakes incest for love or really likes having the sister-in-law over for dinner
Byno didn't need an AR-15 to win a fight
scottydoesntknow didn't think the user name checked out
King Something imagined a silly argument about gun control
The_Sponge named the most disappointing ending to a TV show
wademh already knew someone's story
fusillade762 was alarmed by a discovery in the search for a missing CDC scientist
elkboy received a smartass Father's Day present
 
Smart:
cfreak became a fan of the AR-15
Daikiki noticed something when a teacher barricaded himself in a classroom and fired a gun
Pocket Ninja had an alternate view of a man with an AR-15 confronting a man with a knife
edmo had a theory on why Olympics ratings were so low
Pocket Ninja wasn't outraged that a winning Olympic team didn't get free flight upgrades
fusillade762 pointed out some reasons why it's unwise to harass your nurse
cleek knew the next step in keeping students safe at school
bloobeary explained Luke's plan to rescue Han in "Return of the Jedi"
SBinRR discussed cruise meal expectations
edmo thought there was another reason sheriff deputies were being accused of not acting during a school shooting
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Smart: TotalFark Discussion people apparently know something about a certain Farker's mom, because they voted "smart" on this comment from birdmanesq
Funny: meg12279 had the best "deer hunting caliber"
Funny: Ace Rockola explained why it's okay to vote for your own comments
Smart: ManateeGag knew the best thing to make if you have Spam and basic ingredients
Funny: whatshisname knew the best side dish for pork chops
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Pretty songs
Smart: Recoil Therapy told the story of getting a song for a first dance at a wedding ready
Funny: gordian shared a strange story of a makeup song between friends
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
impaler showed Snekretary answering questions about charges against Rick Gates being dropped
HighOnCraic reacted to Donald Trump's admiration for Xi Jinping becoming China's "president for life"
AdmirableSnackbar provided some lawyerly credentials to help another Farker out
impaler showed how Press Snekretary Danger Noodle is taking his new copyright registration
Redh8t had a little trouble trying to add tears to a photo of Devin Nunes
 
Politics Smart:
ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha had a theory on how Trump sees trade agreements
somedude210 had a message for Trump about betraying the United States of America
edmo had another way of describing having compassion only for those who are close to you
KodosZardoz commented on Trump's apparent interest in being president for life
fusillade762 found evidence of Kid Rock's great respect for the American flag
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
wickedfish showed Trump trolling everyone with a parade float
RedZoneTuba remembered Trump's great sacrifice
Yammering_Splat_Vector found this guy a less comfortable place to sit
Yammering_Splat_Vector pulled a hate fark float up to the prison
Circusdog320 perked up the Eiffel Tower
Yammering_Splat_Vector heated things up a bit
RedZoneTuba made this wood look good enough to put in your mouth
Alligator found someone for Tom Cruise to annoy
Alligator discovered some irresponsible target practice
Alligator showed us why this baby is so happy (safe for work, but maybe awkward for work)
 
Farktography:
wickedfish won Farktography Contest No. 669: "Geometry 2" with a bumpy bath mat
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Sunday, March 25th: Forsythe P Jones (Richard Sousa) Celebration of Life