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Fark NotNewsletter: Biking and balls and beer... oh, my!
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-06-18 4:16:33 PM (80 comments) | Permalink

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Next month I'll be cycling from Manhattan to Buffalo to raise money for the Roswell Park Alliance Foundation to fight cancers.  If you're up for making a donation so that one day Fark can retire its "still no cure for cancer" meme, you can donate via Facebook here.

Thanks to a drunk suggestion by a friend, I have recently renamed the fundraiser "Cancer Sucks Balls."

Anyhow, we're making several overnight stops along the way - wouldn't mind meeting up with some folks and having a few Fark meetups along the way.  

Day 1: 56 miles to Stony Point
Day 2: 77 miles to Barrytown
Day 3: 92 miles to Schenectady
Day 4: 83 miles to Utica
Day 5: 85 miles to Weedsport
Day 6: 77 miles to Spencerport
Day 7: 73 miles to Niagara Falls/Buffalo

Also, looks like I'll be in Buffalo the evenings of July 26th AND August 3rd, so we could do TWO Fark parties if anyone's game?  Lemme know (email drew at Fark dot com)!

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That answered and reacted to a question
MythDragon shared some helpful information about dirty sheets
Bill the unknowing was worried about what might happen after a high school valedictorian's graduation speech
scottydoesntknow explained why a woman who had a racist note on her receipt corrected an error about her car
We Ate the Necco Wafers noticed that an article about a cop arresting someone for repossessing his car buried the lede
stevenboof had a problem with another Farker's comment
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That somehow came through in a thread about a former stripper becoming a firefighter
BumpInTheNight mocked another Farker's sheet-washing regimen
Non Sequitur Man was surprised to see someone
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That reacted to someone calling Bo Burnham a "B grade" celebrity

Smart:
MeatBrains knew what a 4-year-old should have done instead of stealing a doll
JTtheCajun defended a valedictorian who called out teachers and staff during her speech for not doing their jobs well
bloobeary reacted to police arresting a tow truck driver who tried to repossess an officer's car
gaspode thought that some cops' excuses were pretty weak
FlashHarry saw evidence to back up a valedictorian's complaints about her school
khitsicker won't have trouble finding employment due to having made an angry valedictory speech
moos figured out who planted illegal and egregious content on Alex Jones' servers
Vansthing talked about a recent amusement park visit
blastoh figured Alex Jones could take a different route if someone planted something on his server
Asa Phelps had an idea about why customers were unable to open Costco's emergency exit doors

CSB Sunday Morning:   The last straw
Smart:
stir22 shared a moving story about what it's like to have to close off your emotions when working in medicine
Funny:  gordian told a story about two wailing women and a screeching chihuahua

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: envirovore had a message for a disappointed god
Funny: Literally Addicted ranted about Mom's rant
Funny: JerseyTim tried to imagine what it's like to deal with what a submitter was annoyed about
Funny: sarahthustra guessed what type of situation a submitter cried to get out of
Smart: Badafucoand TomFooolery posted  photos of kittens

Politics Funny:
Grand_Moff_Joseph wanted the White House press corps to throw a goodbye party for Sarah Sanders
Naido had a good argument in favor of the metric system
culebra corrected a headline referring to Donald Trump as "the Eye of Sauron"
ZAZ's interest was piqued by a threat from John McAfee
somedude210 reacted to the Fark headline, "Trump: I cast Executive Privilege at the House. DM: You have awakened the House. It catches you and eats you"

Politics Smart:
Cache had some encouraging words for Trump
wademh didn't think Trump would change his methods during the upcoming presidential election
cman figured it's time to hurry up and get things moving
wademh argued that it's fine to question the patriotism of a veteran who was injured while serving
Epic Fap Session addressed blaming immigrants for their own deaths in ICE custody


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking gave Miley Cyrus a pearl earring
maxandgrinch showed us what these people are running from
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel gave this bush some tongue
Alligator found The Blue Boy with a gold face
retrophil went retro with these operators
Yammering_Splat_Vector put this plant on a gnome dome
Alligator shared an early image of Jimi Hendrix
Thrakkorzog gave Putin Les Amours Contrariées
hail2daking was gonna need these employees to go ahead and come in on Sunday
Stantz had very dangerous shooting practice
Yammering_Splat_Vector found a kid who's very upset about being lied to

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 736: "Fur Babies" ended in a tie between Herb Utsmelz's wary wiener dog with a floofy feline and pxlboy's Stephen King-reading kitty. Be sure to check out the whole thread if you like photos of adorable pets.

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, June 20 & Saturday, June 22: Buffalo, NY Fark Party events - Shakespeare in the Park (Thursday) & Brewers Festival (Saturday)


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Hey folks, we had a fun time talking about "canned" pickles in a jar on the quiz this week. And we've got plenty of pickles stocked up in the 1000 club... which unfortunately won't be enjoyed this time around. Denjiro comes out on top with 963, followed by dionysusaur in second with 921 and baka-san in third with 907. Texa$ made fourth with 897, and MostlyLurking lurked enough to make the top five with 888.  

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over where you'll soon be able to see an anime based on Magic: The Gathering. only 33% of quiztakers caught the article about the Russo brothers producing a series for Netflix. I'm starting to think Netflix is becoming the Uwe Boll of intellectual property no one really wants, except they actually hire talented people. All they need is Jenji Kohan to head up the writers's room and they'd have an Emmy-award winning series about the Gen X equivalent of a ladies' bridge club that meets every second Tuesday.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over which Asian capital city the UN considered to be the most polluted in the world. 81% of quiztakers knew that it was New Delhi in India, where they have a garbage pile that will likely be taller than the Taj Mahal within the next year. It makes me wonder if people might soon be moving back to Old Delhi where they can begin the gentrification with a Whole Foods and maybe a Starbucks or six. 

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over the rebranding of the Seattle Seahawks' dance squad from "The Sea Gals" now that they have guys dancing as well. Only 44% of quiztakers knew that the Front Office had gone with the boring old "Seahawks Dancers" instead of the AWESOME name "Sea Breeze," which I totally came up with and demand tickets to any game where they play the Falcons if they use it.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was about a bit of a translation issue with Heinz's new "we're out of ideas so let's just throw crap in the same container" line of "combo-ments." 81% of quiztakers knew that in the most common Cree dialect spoken by First Nations people in Canada, the portmanteau "Mayochup" roughly translates to "sh*t face," which I guess is pretty accurate, in that that's the condition I would need to be in to think this is something I would want on my fries.

If you missed out on the quiz, or have an excellent pickle recipe (or GIF), you can catch up on it here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.


Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)

Welcome again to Headline of the Week!

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-09 to Sat 2019-06-15:

Japanese F-35 pilot fails to disengage WWII simulation mode. Yes, subby is a bad person

"Police will handle amorous snapping turtles." When they're on the road, it takes a while to get them off

DC museum to archive Anne Frank's father's correspondence, as soon as they find someone who can read braille

Pilot who crashed helicopter in Manhattan radioed that he was lost. Then it hit him

Record heat expected in Seattle, as thousands of residents emerge from the haze to hiss at the sun

Armed intruder flees apartment by jumping out of third-story window before being caught by police. Bail set at $100K, as he's definitely a flight risk

Grace Jones dead. Short illness, judging by how pale she looks in recent photo

Federal Authorities raid 8chan, will spend years in therapy for various rule 34 violations

Californians better start raking the woods a lot more thoroughly than they did last year


Sports:

David Ortiz shot in Dominican Republic, is in stable condition. Doctors say he's lucky he didn't get shot in Luxembourg or Testes

As expected, Kyrie Irving opts out of his Celtics contract, says he's looking for a deal that could pay him $141 million over five years, to be paid in a flat fee just like the Earth

Brett Hull gives one of the drunkest speeches in Stanley Cup history or as one fan called it, he's that episode where Bender becomes human


Geek:

Another reason America's murder rate has declined: cell phones, which ended drug dealers' turf wars by reducing dicey in-person disputes over price and quality. Now America's OD rate has increased, so we're still dying from drugs, but more quietly

Rob Liefeld declares DC Comics is "gonna drive off a cliff." Unclear how they'll do this without feet to hold down the gas pedal

Kentucky now rated as one of the least green states. It's so bad there that even the grass is blue

Which leads us to propose the novel theory that the T. rex died out because of skunks


Entertainment:

Sotheby's to auction lock of Beethoven's hair, presumably not from a lud wig

Iron Maiden, Judas Priest planning to embark on a US tour in 2020. Support acts expected include: Testament, Obituary, Depends, Geritol, Doan's Pills

Conservationists really wish tourists would get over Machu Picchu


Politics:

Republican Senator Josh Hawley says studying Watergate is a waste of time because it happened before he was born. Which is exactly what happened when no one bothered to study Vietnam before they got us into Iraq

Trump: I cast Executive Privilege at the House. DM: You have awakened the House. It catches you and eats you

Royal Albert Hall shows off the new redecorations in its killer Prince of Whales Room

Fox news apologizes for airing a clip of Rep. John Lewis while talking about Rep. Elijah Cummings, said they didn't realize we had two of them now

White House announces that Sarah Sanders will resign as Press Secretary at the end of June. Sarah Sanders expected to deny the report out of pure instinct

Chuka Umunna leaves Independent Group to join Liberal Democrats, takes a whiskey drink, takes a vodka drink, takes a lager drink, takes a cider drink

FARK seemingly uninterested in greenlighting the fact that we're transferring control of ICE's concentration camps to the military to prevent oversight. So let's pretend Joe Biden grabbed somebody's ass on camera or something. Yeah, that's the ticket


Business:

Defense contractors Raytheon and United Technologies announce merger, new entity to be named Omni Consumer Products

Fiat Chrysler recalls truck line for living up to its name

Chewy IPO raises $1 billion *triumphant Wookiee growl*


Discussion:

Here's how to handle that one slacker coworker you have to deal with day in and day out. And, if you think they don't exist, then you're the slacker

My wife drinks too much, has never bathed our 7-year-old son and now wants a divorce. Should I be reading Slate?

A somewhat late review of Slaughterhouse-Five by Salman Rushdie


D'awww:

Man who runs a dog and cat rescue takes in a lost baby goat who goes on to become the most popular kid living there

Cocker Spaniel has Fainting Goat Syndrome, but he may just be faking it for extra belly rubs

Baby elephant takes its very first wobbly steps, tries to iron out a few wrinkles

Happiness is getting thicker - And Harmony's getting larrrrrrrrger


Food:

$1 grilled cheese truck. That's it. That's all. What's wrong with this? NOT A DAMN THING

Think you know Indian food? It's all a lie. You've been eating Mexican

Drink it fast, or drink it slow, your lips have got to touch the toe

________________________ 

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Etiquette rules for modern life, plus return of Headlines of the Week
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-06-11 11:54:08 AM (74 comments) | Permalink

Most people learn basic rules of etiquette growing up, but modern technology begets situations that don't have established guidelines for proper behavior, and people can sometimes wind up being rude unintentionally. Fark is here to help you through some of those situations. Here are a few tips to help you navigate your way through these strange new waters.

- If someone lends you an earbud so you can hear the music they're listening to, don't just hand it back when you're done. Nobody wants an earbud covered with your earwax. Be sure to lick the earbud clean before returning it.

- The Boy Scouts have a rule stating to leave the campsite better than you found it. The same is true for rideshare services. When you take an Uber, Lyft, or other rideshare, bring along some cleaning supplies. As your driver is taking you to your destination, spray all-purpose cleaner on all surfaces, pull out some old newspaper (it works better than paper towels), and get to wiping. Make sure you get the windows, seats, and the oft-neglected ceiling of the car. Since you're using all-purpose cleaner, it should be used on any upholstery as well.

- If a colleague, friend or family member sends you an email that contains errors, use it as a teaching experience. Highlight all mistakes and insert corrections in bold red lettering. This is especially important when exchanging emails with a hiring manager if you're seeking employment - they need to see that you know more than them and that they need you to keep them from looking foolish again.

What other circumstances leave you at a loss for proper protocol? Drop me an email with your question and you might find it answered in a future Fark NotNewsletter.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
whither_apophis reacted to an HPV warning from Marcia Cross
Norad knew how a medical examiner could've recovered after making an offensive joke during an autopsy
blatz514 was disappointed in how a parent handled it when his son's school gave him an award for being "most annoying"
Prank Call of Cthulhu gave a personal example of the dangers of vacuuming stuff that your body produces out of your body
cherryl taggart pointed out the bad part about winning a civil suit against Kampground Karen
Olympic Trolling Judge showed what happened when a meteorologist expressed disdain for Sinclair's "Code Red" weather alerts
Harry Freakstorm paraphrased Major General Oliver Prince Smith
BolshyGreatYarblocks quoted the Germans' reaction to D-Day
Subtonic found a good use for a still from a video from a cat with a camera attached to it
markie_farkie ruled out a potential suspect when a motorcyclist went missing

Smart:
zbtop gave an idea of how things looked from the inside when teens shot paintballs at a house
jake_lex pointed out why it was so bad for a YouTube prankster to feed an Oreo filled with toothpaste to a homeless person
Magorn suggested a new name for trophy hunters
Priapetic explained why pranking homeless people for YouTube videos isn't harmless
khatores gave reasons for liking them thicc instead of skinny
God-is-a-Taco showed how scary paintball guns can look
lesliepop pooh-poohed a planned sleepover activity
dready zim discussed how police should conduct surveillance
Circusdog320 shared a photo of Jupiter and its homies
Ivo Shandor discussed using homeopathy to supposedly cure measles

CSB Sunday Morning:   That one time at the pool
Smart:
bacchanalias and consequences found that things often work out if you just don't freak out about them
Funny:  Russ1642's friend learned a lesson about ogling girls at the pool

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: fly_gal made a strange and disgusting offer
Smart: italie wasn't a fan of a business trip dress code
Smart: Ceteris Paribus says gave advice to someone who couldn't get the coals lit for a charcoal grill
Funny: croesius reworded a warning to pesky deer
Funny: sarahthustra envisioned hooking up all the single Farkers in TotalFark Discussion
Funny: The Pope of Manwich Village had some good luck and some bad luck

Politics Funny:
blastoh figured out Donald Trump's style inspiration
Mike_LowELL was reminded of another fashion icon
ArkPanda knew what the United Kingdom would do to keep U.S. health care companies away
iron de havilland showed Trump reacting to messages mowed into grass under Air Force One's flightpath
Wadded Beef caught a distinct sound in an interview of Jared Kushner

Politics Smart:
Trump's phrasing brought a picture to JerseyTim's mind
bloobeary noted how insulted the Straight Pride parade people should feel
thedumbone explained why it mattered that Trump appeared to be nodding off while Queen Elizabeth was speaking
jayhawk88 imagined how baby boomers might be described in the future
Supadope figured out where the idea for a violent alt-right video game came from


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Cork on Fork created a motivational poster especially for Farkers
RedZoneTuba made a word puzzle
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel gave advice for people with house-elves
zeon reminded us not to be too cocky
retrophil showed how to kick the F out of yourself
hail2daking designed a Pokimono
hail2daking discovered an unpleasant mix-up in the operating room
RedZoneTuba put Calvin and Hobbes in a roller coaster
Stephen_Falken brought a spiritual perspective
retrophil had a special message from Journey

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 735: "Doors 2" ended in a threeway with henryhill's photo of Hassan II Mosque's doors in Casablanca, Morocco, kittyhas1000legscrimson canyon casa, and ChimpNipplesdrinking fountain in a spotlight

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Beyond Fark (brought to you by doyner)

Last week, we learned of the passing of daRog, an olde-time Farker, and a cornerstone of the LP community.  While the fact that he had made his Last Post did not come as a surprise to those who had noticed his absence last year, it was still a shock to have confirmation that he had passed away in May of 2018. While the details are not public, it's known that had been sick for a couple of months prior.

In death, a member of Project Mayhem has a name.  His name was Roger Coyle.

You can visit his memorial thread here, which is less hand-wringing (as Roger would prefer), and more of an Irish wake woven into the continuum he had been so much a part of.

Roger was both amicably aloof and irascibly caring. His cold, dry wit was only bested by his talents for electronic arts and craftsman's vision.  He'd likely bristle at being described as a cyberpunk, as that would be cliché. Based on his Photoshop chops, IT expertise, respect for Oxford commas, creations and vision, perhaps he'd best be described as a cyber Last Post-modernist.  He could be found all over Fark from time to time (with many Photoshop masterpieces to his credit), but his online home was where the memes, shoops, GIFs, and shiatposting of Fark's misfit toys live, maintaining the official records of LP for the better part of a decade.

His enduring legacy, however, is as the consistent voice of stark snark and reasoned opinion.  He hated whinging, eBay, stupidity, breaking the Ten Commandments, and receiving defective 12V 10A DC PWMs from China.  He tolerated some things [citation needed], but he loved to create, longcat, and our community (because friendship is magic).  He was there in the meatworld when people needed him and never sought nor expected the same in return.

Rest in peace, daRog, LP71-LP1122.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, June 20 & Saturday, June 22: Buffalo, NY Fark Party events - Shakespeare in the Park (Thursday) & Brewers Festival (Saturday)


Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)


Headline of the Week returns!

We're working our way through the previous weeks by tab and they'll show up in fark.com/hotw when we've finished all the tabs!  One thing we've considered is to share a thread of all the chosen headlines per tab, if that sounds appealing, let us know.

We've been spinning our wheels a bit on HotW, and it's time to ask what you think.  We love Headline of the Week because it lets us highlight the creativity (especially in wordplay/puns and visual headlines), smart (especially  context and really clever headlines), sideways thinking, thought-provoking, and just damn funny headlines that our submitters come up with every week.  This does result in a lot of Headlines for final voting though - great because everyone can see the awesome variety of headlines Fark has to offer, but challenging because all those headlines at the end of the year can get overwhelming.

What do you think?  What do you love about Headline of the Week?  What do you love about Headline of the Year?

Please let us know your thoughts and enjoy our current week's Headlines of the Week!

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-02 to Sat 2019-06-08:

He was wearing nothing but a smile. I hollered "Don't look, Ethel," but it was too late

87% of Americans wouldn't recognize socialism if they met it at the post office

Well I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see

Wait, those emails were real??

HOA refuses to do anything about vulture infestation plaguing homeowners, possibly out of professional courtesy

Won't be greenlit, submitting anyhow

They *finally* cleared out that Subaru

Long before Star Trek, James Scotty Doohan killed two Nazi snipers and was known as the "craziest pilot in the Canadian air force." He gave it all he could, Captain

Cow farts, they said

Farmer steals chickens to buy gas for his $290,000 BMW. Apparently struggling to make hens meet


Sports:

Yo Dawg I heard you like Padres so I put some Padres in your Padres

Octopus rides a moray eel. Wins a belt buckle

The Wentz Wagon is now a Brinks truck

At this rate Johnny Football is going to see more leagues than Jules Verne


Geek:

♪ Radio killed the liver cancer... Radio killed the liver cancer... In our lungs and in our hearts... It stopped tumors from going too far... ♪

Physicists figure out how to save the quantum cat. Suck it, Schrodinger

Make Apple Grate Again

"How fish and shrimps could be recruited as underwater spies." No word on how they would hold up when caught and/or grilled


Entertainment:

Monty Python's Flying Circus confuses the cat for the final time as Terry Jones' dementia has stolen his voice. Graham Chapman's urn inconsolable

Entertainment Weekly apparently has a lot of vacation time saved up

Granger Smith's 3-year-old River drowns, which is particularly alarming to their other son Wood Chipper


Politics:

Baby boomers, Generation X, Generation Y: Meet Generation Lockdown

President Ron Burgundy: "Go fark yourself, London"

Biden is the most electable candidate. Just ask President Kerry

The moon is now a part of Mars. Uranus inconsolable

US Embassies: Hey, can we fly rainbow flags to support Pride? Trump admin: No. Embassies: Sorry, can't hear you over how FABULOUS we are


Business:

"Yes we buy your excess power but there's a fee for buying it and a fee for charging a fee plus the backup power fee so you owe us more than if you just bought power from us. Have a nice day"

Bold move assuming millennials have an extra $1000 lying around to invest

The shadow banks are back and there's gonna be a bubble. Hey-la Hey-la the banks are back


Discussion:

Does this My First Massacre kit seem over the top to anyone else?

I got a mullet today. The legends are true. Beer does taste better with a mullet

"If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write." -Stephen King. It's true, I read twitter all day and I'm almost ready to publish my four-hundred-tweet novel. This is your Fark Writer's Thread, Inspired Edition


D'awww:

Husky in a drain pipe, I know, I know it's serious

What has no pants and roams around a Jacksonville neighborhood screaming like a bear?

Do you speak baby jive?


Food:

The best steakhouse in every state, because even Elvis loved meat tender

Having barely survived kale, is America ready for kelp smugness?

With anniversary of Anthony Bourdain's death coming soon, top chefs nominate June 25 to be celebrated as Bourdain Day, a holiday certainly more meaningful to foodies and millennials than Columbus and Presidents Day combined
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Guess what you've been doing wrong your whole life
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-06-05 1:00:44 PM (80 comments) | Permalink

Everything, apparently. The internet loves to tell us we're doing pretty much anything we ever do the wrong way. You can't shower or eat a hamburger or even slice a loaf of bread without someone finding flaws in your technique. Recently, it actually became this huge debate on social media when it was discovered that either 20% or 80% of people are cleaning their legs wrong. We sound like the inept oafs in infomercials who can't perform basic tasks without some special new product to help us out. There's got to be a better way! Well, if we can't charge a phone or watch TV properly, there's probably not much hope for us. 

Some of the "corrections" of basic actions that Farkers have gotten the most riled up about are grilling steak, assembling hot dogs, warming up your car/not warming up your car on cold winter days, and -- oh lawd -- typing the correct number of spaces after periods. For the record, you really should only put one space after a period, full stop. Drew still puts two, so I'm probably going to be fired now.   

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
naughtyrev was confused by an headline about a "pastor and manager of a Christian pizza parlor"
bearded clamorer knew why a pastor threw a phone into a river
FortyHams shared a bit of trivia about Jon Arbuckle from the Garfield comics
Publikwerks found out something surprising about Kid Rock
davidphogan figured out incels' real problem
Prank Call of Cthulhu came up with a plan to help incels
ecmoRandomNumbers figured out how a woman got lost in a Hawaiian forest for 17 days
Mike_LowELL wrote the unauthorized biography of Fark dot com (this is truly a work of art)
Giant Clown Shoe thought that a woman who attacked a Burger King manager had a familiar hairstyle
swamp_of_dumb explained why another Farker would not be able to wear a kippa "down there"

Smart:
Marcus Aurelius pointed something out to jelqing incels (we all miss the days when those weren't words)
sithon tried to use logic against incels
Diogenes had a question for a landlord who evicted a 102-year-old woman
no1curr knew how to pronounce GIF
Gordon Bennett summed up the "pickup artist" guidebook, "The Game"
Prank Call of Cthulhu spotted the real cause of an incel's problems
scottydoesntknow crunched the numbers on some anti-marijuana doctors and scientists
OptionC agreed that alcohol and marijuana are gateway drugs
evilsofa had a suggestion to help lost hikers
wejash knew what to do about residents blocking access to a public beach

CSB Sunday Morning:  Good, bad, and weird advice you've been given
Smart:
 Hillbilly Jim once got some good relationship advice from Drew
Smart (honorable mention - it got the most votes, but was top-voted in a previous CSB thread): Recoil Therapy used the valuable advice to never be one of the first few back
Funny: gordian got some plumbing advice from a new neighbor

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: maddan pointed out what would happen if prostitution were legalized in the U.S.
Funny: Smock Pot showed off the new grill
Funny: Badafuco knew why there was a flatware discussion thread
Funny: Chris Ween was philosophical about a problematic fork
Smart: WickerNipple gave one reason why fast food workers might mess up your order

Bonus: TFDers were asked if they could improve upon a greenlit Fark headlineKangTheMad had the best headline rewrite with a new version of this headline from a few days before

Politics Funny:
Mike_LowELL was worried by Donald Trump's report after meeting with the Prime Minister of Japan
GardenWeasel figured that unhealthy cooking supplies were a security concern
AdmirableSnackbar remarked on Robert Mueller's televised statement
moos saw how Trump's tariffs will improve Americans' morale
Demetrius noticed some familiar names working in the White House

Politics Smart:
blastoh rephrased a New York Times tweet
Dewey Fidalgo gave an example of Trump's protection of African Americans in the legal system
Jack Sabbath answered a question about the legal process if the DOJ won't comply with a court order
Arachnophobe figured out what would result from following Duncan Hunter's idea to help people returning from combat
Shostie found one of many problems with Duncan Hunter's logic


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Terrapin Bound discovered that that stupid dress is just as confusing in person
Don_cos showed us what happens when you let Pac-Man eat too much
hail2daking helped an underdressed cat
RedZoneTuba discovered why you shouldn't play games with a Xoloitzcuintli
Circusdog320 preferred a moonlit beach
i-dig gave Chewbacca some Botox
Yammering_Splat_Vector made a defective mirror
verchad found where the Galactic Empire goes on vacation
zeon showed that Lucy is just mean to everybody
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave us a gassy tiger

Farktography:
reddfrogg won Farktography Contest No. 734: "Illustrate a Fark Tag" with a good depiction of Fark's "Weeners" tag

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, June 20 & Saturday, June 22: Buffalo, NY Fark Party events - Shakespeare in the Park (Thursday) & Brewers Festival (Saturday)


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on this quiz, where we learned just how universal that Universal Tractor Fluid really is. I'm thinking if space aliens crash land their ship on earth and need help repairing it to get back to their home planet, Universal Tractor Fluid will figure into the equation at some point.

On the quiz itself, Grumpyoldgeek takes top honors with 935, followed by rrl in second with 882 and Oliver Twisted in third with 838. Blackstone takes fourth with 833, and Ponzholio makes the top five with 828.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over which country took over Julian Assange's belongings following his arrest and expulsion from the Ecuadorian Embassy in London. Only 31% of quiztakers knew that the Ecuadorian government gave all his stuff to the United States, presumably because it was so grungy the British equivalent of Goodwill wouldn't take it. No word on his cat's tie collection, but I imagine the litterbox contents are being run through a mass spectrometer as we speak.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which movie you can watch while floating on the waters of Santa Rosa Sound in Pensacola Beach, FL during a special event this July. 80% of quiztakers knew that $35 will get you a custom floatie, a glow necklace, and some sharkbite artwork to admire after you get home from (IF you get home from) watching the original Jaws. Dun-dun... Dun-dun... Dun-dun-dundundundundundundun...

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over a marketing department that apparently no longer drug tests its employees. Only 24% of quiztakers knew that the giant two-story flamingo floating up and down the East River in New York City was a marketing stunt for Pepsi. Which, IMHO, means the stunt failed. I mean, seriously, get a bigger logo, people.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the location of the United States Marine Corps Recruit Depot in Parris Island. 82% of quiztakers knew that Parris Island could be found in the state of South Carolina, while the other 18% of quiztakers need some more PT with profane marching cadences.

If you missed the quiz, you can catch up on it here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Sidetracked by urgent matters on the internet
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-05-28 11:00:05 AM, edited 2019-05-28 11:03:17 AM (108 comments) | Permalink

I had this whole intro thing planned out to write this  morning, but I've been looking at photos and videos of dogs instead. I'm sure you understand. I mean, this is pretty important. If not me, when who? If not now, then when? Please feel free to post your dogs and other cute non-humans in the NotNewsletter comments section today and check in whenever you need some smiles.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
grokca was surprised by the murder of a Klan imperial wizard
Im_Gumby showed the billionaire who paid the student loan debt of an entire graduating class
gerbilpox had doubts when a woman dressed as Captain Marvel proposed to a woman dressed as Wonder Woman
Dr.Fey figured out the secret to happiness
some_beer_drinker replied to Dan Aykroyd's claim that space aliens want to hook up with Earth women
scottydoesntknow thought that a man's plan to check the accuracy of a pizza tracking app sounded familiar
theDesertHamster requested help in a thread about a woman who missed her "minute man"
davidphogan was being sabotaged in a thread about boner-hiding swim trunks
FirstNationalBastard showed someone who was alarmed by another Farker's comment
Autoerotic Defenestration revealed how long lines on Mount Everest are being dealt with

Smart:
Magorn argued that climbing Mount Everest isn't worth the trouble
NewportBarGuy found where some money could be saved so kids could be fed
edmo commented about gun training classes for 6-year-olds
Pocket Ninja recommended a television series to HBO subscribers
Prank Call of Cthulhu discussed owning a gun for protection
Destructor remarked on how spoiled World of Warcraft players are
Garza and the Supermutants defended Elon Musk's zany plans
Mugato had something to say about millennials and Gen Z blaming things on baby boomers
mactheknife had a request on behalf of Gen X
Cagey B summed up the ending of "Game of Thrones" (spoilers, obviously)

CSB Sunday Morning:  Black sheep of the family
Smart:
 Herr Morgenstern described becoming the black sheep of part of the family
Funny: There weren't any real stories that got many funny votes this time ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Old Man Winter revealed what the little white things are in a Farker's can of crushed tomatoes
Funny: reagabeast didn't share a story about misunderstanding how babby is formed
Funny: Ass_Master_Flash has a Ted Nugent cover band with a interesting name
Smart: Raddamant gave the standard TotalFark Discussion advice for relationship problems
Funny: Shostie showed a photo of the new kitten that was abandoned by its mother

Politics Funny:
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat explained what "| _ . o () (.) (o) () () () () () () ()" meant in a Fark headline
Mike_LowELL revealed "the real heroes of the conservative movement"
NeoCortex42 found out who Donald Trump's fashion inspiration is
blastoh suggested a potential running mate for Joe Biden
vrax noticed an accurate description of a Trump supporter who was interviewed by New York Times

Politics Smart:
D_PaulAngel discussed what the military means to different people
KarmicDisaster argued that Iran isn't the only potential thread in the Middle East
Marcus Aurelius agreed that the Mueller investigation was just an attempt by the Democrats to take down Trump
Ivo Shandor traded accusations of wrongdoing
Weaver95 discussed whether or not Merrick Garland can be objective when presiding over an appeal involving Trump


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Alligator gave Pootie Poot a sweet new ride
Yammering_Splat_Vector revealed a Vulcan falling in love at first sight
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us why we say that statues are erected
Alligator turned half this man into two-thirds of this man
Don_cos showed Dorothy giving something a try just in case
hail2daking discovered that some relationships never change
RedZoneTuba used a Speak & Spell as a calculator
RedZoneTuba found out why this dog is so angry
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave John Bolton his angel wings
RedZoneTuba gave Popeye a dangerous new secret weapon

Farktography:
Ennuipoet won Farktography Contest No. 733: "Stripes 2" with a stunning sky

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, June 20 & Saturday, June 22: Buffalo, NY Fark Party events - Shakespeare in the Park (Thursday) & Brewers Festival (Saturday)
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Is throwing beer cans at neighbors considered littering? Asking for a friend
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-05-22 2:56:34 PM, edited 2019-05-22 2:58:41 PM (63 comments) | Permalink

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone!  Happy pre-Memorial Day to you all.  Hope you have some fun plans. Mine all involve being outdoors as much as possible.  I've threatened my kids with me sitting in a kiddie pool in the backyard winging empty beer cans at them and the neighbors. They think I'm kidding.  We'll see if it turns into a good idea or not.

Last Friday I managed to get TotalFark Office Hours in for the second week in a row, which is some kind of record.  We talked about issues with linking and not linking to paywall sites such as the Washington Post and New York Times, and other sites like Raw Story that appear to just be scraping content.  The decision to link them or not link them isn't as clear cut as you might think (although there's a strong consensus that Raw Story should get the boot). How so? Sign up for TotalFark and find out, the thread is still there (and I've included it in this NotNewsletter as well).   

I'm planning on doing another office hours on Friday, we should have a new topic this week.  Assuming I'm not out in the back yard already. I bet I could drag a laptop out there. Anyhow we'll see how it goes.  Remember kids, don't stand in fire, while swimming don't drown, and don't taunt the Dynamite Monkey.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
LewDux changed a photo to include underboob (this image is probably awkward for work)
WickerNipple explained why a truck sprayed rainbows everywhere
Pocket Ninja explained how we could tell that a story about a pre-wedding catastrophe was real
NeoCortex42 showed how things really went down in King's Landing ("Game of Thrones" spoilers)
Im_Gumby gave advice on determining the popularity of a revealing style of swimsuit
scottydoesntknow knew what Arnold Schwarzenegger needed to do after being kicked in the back
JerseyTim shared a statement from George R. R. Martin distancing himself from the "Game of Thrones" final season (spoilers)
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That explained why parents put cameras in their son's room
markie_farkie had a really gross idea 🤮
GRCooper was sad about the passing of Tim Conway

Smart:
sassyfrancis had a solution for a teen whose parents put cameras in his room to keep him from touching himself
markie_farkie had a really gross idea 🤮
Great_Milenko reacted to the penultimate episode of "Game of Thrones"
Al Sicandar defended men who are afraid of women or who pretend to be afraid of women
sigdiamond2000 generalized the generalizers
Cagey B explained the problem with massage parlors that engage in prostitution
DOCTORD000M helped out an article writer with writing about pro-immunization doctors
theflatline discussed the U.S. Supreme Court ruling against Apple
tothekor commented on the options for a prisoner in Alabama who became pregnant from an apparent rape
PC LOAD LETTER figured that at least one "Game of Thrones" actor wouldn't mind redoing the final season

CSB Sunday Morning:  Gardening stories
Smart:
 wademh chose flowers in a grass neighborhood
Funny:  davidphogan found out who ate all the habaneros from the garden

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: thatguyoverthere70 let us know how to get rid of a bowling ball
Smart: Shadow Blasko argued against blocking Washington Post links on Fark because of their paywall
Funny: Chris Ween answered the question, "What do you use to trim your beard?"
Funny: LineNoise and wife had an adventure with a robe buddy
Funny: Old Man Winter knew how a fellow TotalFarker met a bartender with an unfortunate tattoo

Politics Funny:
Calypsocookie had a warning for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
Precious Roy's Horse Dividers asked a question about Matt Gaetz - if you're confused, apparently that's a reference to this story about Matt Gaetz
Bf+ shared someone's reaction to Donald Trump's claim that he wasn't warned about about Michael Flynn
AdmirableSnackbar was feeling optimistic about the future
fifthofzen summarized Elizabeth Warren's feelings about Fox News

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
Farkers added to the "Family Guy" descriptions of Sean Hannity. Thanks to lindalouwho for nominating this thread for FarkStaff Pick. 

Politics Smart:
dionysusaur gave a reason why males shouldn't have a say in the abortion debate
Weaver95 saw evidence that Vladimir Putin is close to achieving another one of his goals
parasol argued that some males have earned a say in the abortion debate
elysive reassured anyone worried about male babies being aborted
The Goddamn Batman gave a reason why 12-year-old girls don't need to be forced to carry and give birth to their rapists' babies


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel created a toy for M.C. Escher fans
Alligator found an ever-ready candidate for president
RedZoneTuba made a Lego set that people will fight over
durbnpoisn solved the biggest problem with Legos
Thrakkorzog gave a kitten what it really wants to eat
Alligator found Cliff Clavin's long-lost brother
Herb Utsmelz showed that someone really did go out and get a boat
Stantz combined a $91 million rabbit with an M.C. Escher classic to form a whole new work of art
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us what Doggie Heaven might look like
Alligator designed some very Farkish bookends

Farktography:
SoCalChris won Farktography Contest No. 732: "Favorite Things" with silver-white winters that melt into springs

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, June 20: Buffalo, NY Fark Party - Shakespeare in Delaware Park


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Yet another fun time on the quiz, including an interesting discussion on "choose your own job title." Unfortunately no one made the 1000 club this week, so we won't be removing the plastic covers from the furniture. I hate those things, because you can't move around without it sounding like you farted. Anyways, kqc7011 came out on top with 978, followed by Denjiro in second with 952 and Oliver Twisted in third with 915. Tax Boy made fourth with 911, and edmo wraps up the top 5 with 908.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over which game publisher suffered a walkout by employees, who were striking over forced arbitration. Only 16% of Quiztakers knew that Epic Games publishes "League of Legends," which is the most popular online game in the world right now. The "freemium" game actually has 100 million unique players per month, which is about the number of people who saw "Avengers: Endgame" in its opening weekend.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over which former "Jersey Shore" cast member managed to post Instagram updates while in the middle of a prison stint for tax evasion. 83% of quiztakers knew that it was Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino who is currently in the clink. Although if you ever watched the show, you wouldn't be surprised at news that any of the cast members were incarcerated.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over Brad Pitt's brother Doug, and his latest commercial spoofing the ending scene from "Se7en." Only 46% of quiztakers knew that it was beer inside the box - specifically, the Doin' Good Orange Wheat Ale from Mother's Brewing Company. I'm not sure what it says about Fark that 54% of us associated "box" with "wine," but I choose to believe it's because we think of Doug Pitt as a wine kind of guy more than a beer kind of guy. If you missed the commercial (and the hilarious TV-friendly dialogue edits), you can check it out here

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over Mt. Kilimanjaro and its home country looking at a cable car system to accommodate tourists who wish to see the summit but can't make the climb. 93% of quiztakers proved themselves geographically inclined and knew that the highest point in Africa could be found in Tanzania. Also in Tanzania, you can find the Gombe Stream National Park, where Dr. Jane Goodall talked to chimps and wandered around in the mists. 

If you missed the Quiz, you can catch up on it here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week!
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Who got butthurt over what a Fark headline said about him, plus learn about how to get a greenlight from Drew
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-05-14 12:01:31 PM (179 comments) | Permalink

Hey kid, want to get more greenlights? Scroll down to read about Drew's selection criteria for Fark headlines. And in case you missed it, Fark managed to earn the squirrelly wrath of Ben Shapiro last week because of this thread, and a good time was had by all.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
gar1013 would be more cautious in Amanda Knox's position
Man On A Mission shared a very bad line to use on dates
Starkaryen noticed that last week's "Game of Thrones" episode stood out in stark contrast to the previous week's
lack of warmth shared the proper reply for when a cop requests permission to search your phone
jbc had a solution for when your mom plans a surprise bris for your child
feckingmorons had a feeling about charges against a man whose bumper sticker declared his tendency to "eat" booty
Ow! That was my feelings! was fed up with a popular TV show
Pazuzu Smith-Jones was familiar with a dating faux pas
joeparker5433 couldn't make it through an entire article
thatguyoverthere70 made a note about a fellow Farker

Smart:
Miss5280 had a suggestion for helping kids do well in school
Benevolent Misanthrope thought of some reasons people might consent to police searches
armyofbees figured that it's nobody's business what a man is doing with his doll in private
ecmoRandomNumbers suggested a way of changing the way school administrators approach things
Pocket Ninja found something unrealistic in a television show that features dragons, an antagonist who can raise this dead, and a child with psychic powers (spoilers)
The Third Man noted another time police had been warned about someone who was involved in a school shooting
lilbjorn flipped a Fark headline around to explain behavior
grokca looked on the bright side when cheerleaders at a kids' basketball game were criticized for being overly risque
MattytheMouse marveled at the existence of gamergaters
aukie shared a story about an interaction with Apache County, AZ law enforcement

CSB Sunday Morning:    What's your phobia, or, if you don't have one, your biggest "NOPE"?
Smart:
Persnickety Paladin learned to manage a fear that arose from a horrible experience
Funny: The Pope of Manwich Village confronted a powerful enemy

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman


TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: sarahthustra was happy for a Farker who criticized the spouse's dishwasher loading
Funny: unremarkable asterisk helped a Farker who needed a "get well soon" card for a golden retriever
Smart: Drew gave the short version of how to get your submission greenlit
Funny: Barry McCockner congratulated someone who claimed to have just married someone after meeting in TotalFark Discussion
Funny: JerseyTim had an idea for how "Game of Thrones" should end

Politics Funny:
Subtonic had an idea of how Drew might have felt about Ben Shapiro complaining about us on Twitter
stir22 found interesting parallels in the election of Donald Trump and another controversial race
JerseyTim figured out what kind of photos Jerry Falwell Jr. needed Michael Cohen to handle
Non Sequitur Man had a message for Ben Shapiro
FortyHams saw that Ben Shapiro just couldn't stop

Politics Smart:
Subtonic had an idea of how Drew might have felt about Ben Shapiro complaining about us on Twitter
Marcus Aurelius disagreed with Jerry Falwell Jr.'s characterization of Mueller's investigation
NeoCortex42 responded to Trump's complaint about attempts to have Mueller testify before the House Judiciary Committee
Weaver95 had a theory on what has contributed to a decline in discipline in the Marine Corps
Jack Sabbath believed that some information about Trump points to him being susceptible to foreign influence


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
verchad showed us that Goose was more of a swan
Yammering_Splat_Vector didn't have any money to lend to Britney and Paris
Circusdog320 made Darth Maul even meaner
Don_cos requested no dark sarcasm in the bathroom
Circusdog320 put a mustache in a strange place (probably awkward to view at work)
durbnpoisn gave Grumpy Cat a new look
Herb Utsmelz found out why money keeps disappearing
RedZoneTuba downgraded Pee-Wee's bicycle
Alligator showed us the power of beer
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel gave us the sequel we've all been waiting for

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 731: "Happy Farktography Anniversary 14" ended in a tie with bobug's gorgeous blue morpho butterfly and Deveyn's little orange fish

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Fark Headline Tips (brought to you by Drew)

Recently, SomeDude210 posted a thread asking if anyone had any tips or best practices for Fark tagline construction.  I thought that was a great idea because even though I've got my personal preferences, that's only half of the process.  Some submitters have discovered over the years that I've got soft spots for certain types of tagline construction, and surprisingly not the ones you'd think necessarily.  For example, even though it shows up a lot on Fark, I don't personally prefer the "Thing happens, do you A) action, B) action 2, or C) What really happened in the article" structured taglines. They'll do in a pinch if nothing else comes along, however.  One of the difficulties we have on the admin side is that once an article appears in the general news cycle, we've only got an hour or two before it's everywhere on social media.  Sometimes we can't wait for the best tagline to be submitted - which incidentally seems to alwayshappen right when I've given up waiting.

I don't personally know all of my selection criteria, and to give an example of what I mean by soft spots, our community manager Unfreakable years ago brought to my attention that he'd noticed that I'd greenlight damn near any tagline along the lines of "Band releases new album, but they suck."  Until he'd pointed it out, I hadn't noticed.  Going forward, I started doing that less often.  I'm sure they still get by me once in a while.  I've got blind spots is what I'm saying.

So let's start with some background on how things work on the Admin side.

There are several admins, but at any given moment, only one of us is designated as the person who's on queue duty.  From about 7 a.m.ish 'til about 5 p.m.ish on weekdays, that person is me.  Over the past 20 years or so, it's usually always been me.  Occasionally I've stepped away for a week or two, but I've discovered that when I step away, I suddenly have no idea what's going on in the world.  Running the Fark queue is the only time I ever consume news, and when I do run the queue, I end up reading everything published in a given day.  To the point where my friends at my local bar have totally given up asking me if I saw the one about etc. because I can usually finish their sentences.  Usually.

In the evenings I start drinking. and that's not a good time to be online for me or anyone else, so I hand it off to one of our West Coast admins, who handles it into the evening Pacific Coast time until our Europe-based admin wakes up in the morning in his home time zone.  His morning is the overnight shift for East Coast time, he handles things until I wake up at 7 a.m. and then it's handed back to me again.  Another admin handles weekends and holidays.  And there are a few other admins who used to be more frequent but are still around to handle things in a pinch, make edits, and so on.  They also do most of the Live thread scheduling

Newsflashes are handled by me if I'm awake.  I can run the entire article queue off my phone wherever I happen to be, so if news breaks late at night and I'm still sober enough to read, one of the mods will text me when we have a newsflash event.  If I'm at a bar, I quickly take bets from my friends to see if anyone can guess what it's about, then I open up the queue and look for the best tagline.  Newsflashes need to get out quickly, so I can only wait about 10-15 minutes before posting something, and some breaking news events are just not funny, so when that happens, I'll just go with whichever tagline on TotalFark has the most comments currently.  I strongly prefer a good riff for a tagline, although with newsflashes, this can spiral out of control as events continue.  For example, when the Notre Dame Cathedral caught fire, I went with "France elects new Pope," which was pretty funny initially, until it became apparent that the situation was much more serious than we first thought.  So it goes.  It's not the first tagline that got messed up by the severity of events and it won't be the last either, I bet.

My philosophy is a Fark tagline's implicit duty is to tell you why you should click on a link.  Most of the time, it's telling you to click because the article is funny.  Sometimes, however, the tagline points out something that the original headline writer missed that is way more important than the article writer realized.

Example: One of my all-time favorites was a multi-page article from I think an Iowa news outlet about a man who had a premonition that he was about to die, so he recorded a series of videos saying goodbye to his friends and loved ones - and then he actually died.  For the first few pages, the article was fairly heartwarming.  He said goodbye to his wife and his kids and his friends, and so on.  On page six or seven, however, the article mentioned that he had recorded a special video for his atheist friends, one where he told them he loved them very much but that they were all going to burn in hell for eternity - complete with explicit detail after explicit detail.  We linked to that part of the article instead of page one, because that was the best part, after all.

The other admins may chime in here with their preferences - I don't tell them what to choose, and their selection process works as well as mine, it's just different.

Things I look for in a Fark tagline:

If a tagline makes me laugh out loud or spit coffee all over my keyboard, it gets the greenlight.  I will even occasionally back out an earlier tagline greenlight if something funnier comes in later.  This incidentally is why we have the "Repeat" tag - sometimes the best tagline comes very late, as in hours or days later.  Also, some events seem to stay in the news cycle for multiple days for whatever reason as people discover them elsewhere, so we'll use the Repeat tag for those, too.  This week, the first story that comes to mind that was submitted across multiple days was Florida woman pulling an alligator out of her yoga pants.  These happen several times a week

I do keep an eye on how many +1 votes TotalFarkers give taglines.  It's not my main criteria, but I'll take an extra hard look at those.  These especially help my selection during newsflashes, so if you've ever wondered if anyone looks at those, I do and they're especially helpful when I'm in a hurry to get a link out the door.  Speaking of +1 votes - I strongly consider these when picking headlines of the week/month etc., because it's usually a good indicator of quality when a link gets votes aftera link goes green.

My absolute favorite tagline structure of all time is one that initially seems super offensive, but on further examination is not, but boy is it right on the line.  You'll know them when you see them.

When I am hungover, I seem to prefer weirder taglines that make no sense.  No idea why, or how to even explain it.  It's a thing though.

Things I don't like:

Clickbait structure.  Many news outlets submit their own links, which is fine by me, and some of them are quite good at coming up with a Fark tagline.  However, many are not.  My advice to news outlets is to submit their links with the headline they couldn't use.  As in, a tagline that crossed the line with their own internal standards, because odds are it doesn't cross ours.  We have one news outlet in particular that submits a couple links a day, and all their taglines are the actual headline followed by "What do you think of that??"  Nope.  

Puns.  Personal preference, I'm just not a fan.  I will greenlight them, but I prefer not to.  Once in a blue moon, a pun is funny.  Puns are not, by the way, just words that rhyme with each other - I highly dislike rhymes that think they are puns.  Not saying I never greenlight them, but I'll take almost anything else over them.  Except for...

Only as a last resort will I greenlight an article that has the same tagline as its headline.  Sometimes articles only get submitted once, and I'll try to come up with something better if I can.  I will almost always pass over these if I can.

We have had on occasion one or two tagline writers that vote for their own link on TotalFark and vote against all the others.  This isn't an instant disqualification but I take a dim view towards it.  Don't be that guy

Don't submit politics links to the Main page tab.  The reason why is I read that one first, and while in the past I've retabbed those submissions to Politics, a few astute subbies have figured out that I read Main page links first when I do a queue run.   As a result, I got into a bad habit of greening the retabbed links before reading the politics submissions.  I'm not doing that anymore, and in fact I've often started ignoring politics submissions posted to the Main tab altogether

Actual Admin guidelines we have:

Don't link to articles that aren't funny.  Boring is OK, sad is not.  It's not a 100% deal killer, but I'd rather not greenlight these if I can avoid it.    

Try not to make fun of victims.  This is incidentally why all the teachers having sex with students articles disappeared.  I'm not asking everyone to agree with me on this, I'm just explaining what happened and why.  Making fun of the person who committed the crime is a-OK, however.  

Others appear in the FArQ somewhere, I forget where exactly.

My weak spots:

I'm the worst admin of all of us at posting repeat articles.  Part of my problem is I don't have a perfect memory for what has been greenlit.  This gets particularly bad when I've passed over a few bland taglines on the original article already, and soon I can't remember if I posted it or not.  Rather than miss a story, I'll risk running a repeat.  Luckily the other admins come in behind and delete repeats. We also get email notifications when other Farkers flag repeats and this helps immensely.  I'm so terrible at remembering repeats that I have sometimes greened the same story three or even four different times.  

I have noticed recently I'm a sucker for taglines that pretend to misunderstand what the article is about due to bad sentence structure in the original headline.  Like the famous Panda eats shoots and leaves headline.  I still like these and will probably continue greening them more often than I otherwise should.

Duke sucks.

Other things to know:

I've told all the admins that they're welcome to alter or delete any tagline I greenlight without telling me first.  I'm totally fine with them doing whatever.  There will always be more news articles in the day.  

Up until recently, I personally didn't like taglines that didn't give you some idea of what was going on in the article.  However, with the new mobile format that displays a full article summary, not only is this no longer a problem, but there's something about the combination of vague headline followed by article summary and photo that is extra hilarious to me.  This format has gone from being less preferred to more preferred.  And at least one submitter has figured this out - if you take a look at the Geek tab, you'll see much of his work there.  

I would very much like more D'awww submissions.  If you're looking to pad your greenlight count, that's the easiest way to do it.   D'awww taglines are hard to make funny in general, and damn near anything cute qualifies for a greenlight in my book.  Sad stuff will never make the cut into the D'awww tab, by the way.

Same goes with Discussion submissions - I will greenlight damn near any discussion link.  The notable exception being political links submitted to the discussion tab - I'm trying to keep politics on the Politics tab.  Sometimes politics is newsworthy, though. Can't be helped.

I have violated every one of these bullet points at one time or another, often intentionally.  I am inconsistent, I read too fast, and my memory sucks.  So it goes.

This isn't the full list, but it's a good start.  Others may have noticed things that work well that I'm not even aware of.

Last but not least, I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you who submits links.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart and/or beer glass.  If we ever get the chance to hang out in real life, I'm getting your beer tabs.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: It's time!
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-05-07 11:26:50 AM (47 comments) | Permalink

It's time for the weekly Fark NotNewsletter, and I have absolutely no ideas for an intro topic. Let me tell you, though, that you look really pretty today. 

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
433 had a suggestion for someone who's unhappy with ethnicity results from a DNA test
BizarreMan explained why the science was always solid in episodes of "The Brady Bunch"
fifthofzen was much choosier about where to get medical information
MattytheMouse shared a famous line from "The Brady Bunch"
puffy999 lamented a child's severe allergies
starsrift made such a dad joke
sovah learned something from an illustration of pregnancy
Dr.Fey found the real problem with a kid's racist "promposal"
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That responded to a hater
Brosephus fought the Fark filter

Smart:
Circusdog320 had some experience with the strange-looking way babies are X-rayed
bobtheme gave Heaven some advice after Peter Mayhew's death
croesius brought up a problem with crediting a "divine power" for saving people
Ambivalence discussed backlashes against science
theDesertHamster summarized a rugby player's complaint
Prank Call of Cthulhu related an interaction with an anti-vaxxer
revrendjim examined the idea that parents know what's best for their kids
bigfatbuddhist had an idea for decreasing the number of people being shot by police
Farking Clown Shoes discussed events in "Avengers: Endgame" (contains spoilers, obviously)
Magorn discussed a criminal's light sentence

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: merrillvillain found some top-notch construction
Smart: sarahthustra had a suggestion for getting revenge on coworkers before leaving a job
Funny: Znuh had a pants-destroying level of fail
Funny: flucto had an idea for a reality show mashup
Funny: rcf1105 reacted to a submitter confessing to not wearing a bra

Politics Funny:
His Mexcellency shared a story about someone who might have been Matt Gaetz
Circusdog320 spotted evidence that we weren't looking at the real Melania Trump
Mr. Coffee Nerves was surprised by Mike Pence's visit to the USS Harry Truman
Circusdog320 revealed yet another Melania imposter
We should all just take aaronx's word on this

Politics Smart:
His Mexcellency shared a story about someone who might have been Matt Gaetz
weddingsinger explained why people were offended by a bank's tweet offering financial advice
Eclectic described some of the problems trans people already face when trying to receive medical care
HawgWild analyzed William Barr's argument that Robert Mueller cleared Trump of all wrongdoing
null argued that Democrats need to start impeachment hearings


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba envisioned a very strange prom outfit for an elderly attendee
retrophil found someone who really took a wrong turn
Don_cos brought the Korean War close to home
Yammering_Splat_Vector discovered that Amazon has greatly expanded their delivery area
RedZoneTuba didn't approve of a contest theme
Herb Utsmelz made a creepy commercial even creepier
RedZoneTuba invited Uncle Joe to prom
RedZoneTuba took the family on a road trip
Circusdog320 was reminded of a lost love
Yammering_Splat_Vector found out what that lever does

Farktography:
bobug won Farktography Contest No. 730: "Red 3" with a wavy wall


Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: A second handy motion
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-04-30 12:35:39 PM (80 comments) | Permalink

When I was a kid, I thought that Tina Turner's song "What's Love Got To Do With It" asked, "What's love, but a second handy motion?" To be fair, that actually is what she says, I just got the syllables attached wrong. This got me thinking about mondegreens, and all the lyrics I've misheard over the years. I remember visiting Drew back when Lorde's "Royals" was new, and I realized she wasn't inviting us to call her "creepy." That one was a little disappointing, to be honest. Calling someone "creepy" seems a lot more fun than calling them "queen bee." I mentioned misheard lyrics to my mom (you shut up about my mom, she's a classy lady) and she said that when she was little, she thought that "Jesus Loves Me" said, "They are weeds but he is straw." It sort of makes sense, I guess.

Whether you're reading the Fark NotNewsletter by the dawnzer lee light and you're wrapped up like a douche to keep warm, or you're working in the concrete jungle wet dream tomato, just remember that there's a bathroom on the right. I'll be here with the secret Asian man as a girl with colitis goes by, and if I get lonely, I'll simply say, "Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
doglover defended a dog on a college campus
Chemlight Battery showed a non-reading Farker that the answer was right in front of us all along
jiesenPSD reacted to Americans' inability to find their own homes on a map
Spectrum noticed that a gorilla wasn't making a classic mistake while watching videos on a smartphone
GRCooper showed one guy's reaction to an upcoming battle on "Game of Thrones" (spoiler from April 21st episode)
whither_apophis had one question about a video featuring Finnish girls and women riding hobbyhorses
Ivo Shandor found a photo of a teacher who called a second-grader's work pathetic
TylerParry defended not being able to read a map
ayrlander revealed the unfortunate truth about metal detectors
Yankees Team Gynecologist figured it's best to quit while you're ahead

Smart:
Earguy explained why people may not be able to forgive their former bullies
Xcott saw evidence that someone who used to be a jerk might not have done enough growing
AllerJeez summed things up for someone who didn't want to read an article
Warthog basically took us on a tour of a hideous house
brantgoose pointed out that a little bit of research could have saved someone from writing a stupid article
mainsail figured out what it meant when a teacher called a second-grader's math test results "pathetic"
revrendjim might secretly be the teacher in question
Xai thought of one reason why fewer people in the U.S. are attending church
Arachnophobe wasn't afraid of females on hobbyhorses
Cagey B thought that a man who claims to have changed used words that betrayed his true goal

CSB Sunday Morning:    What's in your Easter basket now that you're grown?
Smart & Funny:
gordian's grandma wasn't going to give up Easter baskets just because the grandkids grew up

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Old Man Winter made an offer to people expecting three inches of snow
Smart: Raddamant had a solution for a Farker who accidentally admitted to having a small willie
Funny: sarahthustra knew exactly what hatched out of a Farker's lawn
Funny: You'll need to read the headline in order to understand this comment from sarahthustra
Funny: steklo nearly had to call the police on some teenagers

Politics Funny:
luckyeddie knew why a phone was thrown at Donald Trump at the NRA convention
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That added to Trump's thoughts about eggs on Easter
NateAsbestos helped a fellow Farker find the Trump administration's rebuttal to the Mueller report
Jack Sabbath found someone to defend Steve Mnuchin
Jaws_Victim had one takeaway from a screenshot of an article about Nick Bosa

Politics Smart:
cameroncrazy1984 disagreed with Donald Trump's characterization of the Mueller report
enry replied to Trump's complaint about how much the obstruction investigation cost
Gubbo had advice for interviewing people who are defending Trump
bloobeary suggested that Trump's lawyers could be disbarred
croesius had a theory about Trump's strange posture


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel showed a dissatisfied couple in counseling
Don_cos created slapstick clams
Circusdog320 made a particle board accelerator
noazark found the display you're not allowed to touch
Wrongo showed an early model of a "home computer"
Alligator gave Montana's state flag in honor of an aspiring rancher
RedZoneTuba exposed Trump's strategy for building his wall
Don_cos heard the blues a-callin'
Circusdog320 gave George something to do on the Washington state flag
Yammering_Splat_Vector revealed the surprising origins of the Eiffel Tower

Farktography:
bobug won Farktography Contest No. 729: "Tiptoe Through the Tulips 2" with 
three purple blooms

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Beyond Fark

We're very sad to have lost Farker Lar Jorgen, a regular contributor to Fark Photoshop contests and Caturday threads. He was known for his wit and humor, and was often the first person to welcome newcomers to Caturday threads. You can view Lar Jorgen's memorial Caturday thread here


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

Yet another fun time on the Quiz this week, but the dust is collecting in the 1000 club. I get to sit and pwn n00bs on the big screen for another week, but unfortunately without an audience. caddisfly comes out on top with 915, followed by Billlbo in second with 910 and Reyito very close behind in third with 909. sugaryvitamin makes fourth with 907, and bababa finishes out the top 5 with 903.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over Volkswagen's part no. 199 398 500 A, which actually sold more than its total car sales in 2015 and 2017. Only 21% of quiztakers knew that it was a pack of sausages. I mean, they are a German company and all. I think that the average German consumer gauges a company's abilities based on their success in making sausages. "Hmmm, zis weiner is not ze tasty, if zey cannot make good frankenfurter, zey cannot make good shoes." You also get a free pack of sausages when you buy a Volkswagen in the EU, so you Brits better hurry up and get financing approved.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over the song "Old Town Road" by Lil Nas X. 76% of quiztakers knew that this crossover hit was a victim of its own success, and that Billboard had removed its listing from "Hot Country" charts, I'm guessing this had more to do with the fact it was sitting at #1 than the fact that it's not exactly what most people would call "country" music.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which CNN anchor had recently become engaged to his boyfriend. Only 38% of quiztakers knew that Don Lemon recently announced he was tying the knot. More interestingly, he is actually older than the white-haired Anderson Cooper. I would not have guessed that. Dude must use a really good exfoliator or something. But good for him.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which song actor Christopher Walken felt needed "more cowbell" from Will Farrell in a classic SNL sketch. 85% of quiztakers knew that it was "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" by Blue Öyster Cult that really needed the extra oomph. In stage band in high school, I actually played the cowbell during our version of Pat Benetar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", and I can say that I am envious of the passion Farrell was able to bring to the instrument. I was frankly bored and wanted to go back to the bass trombone part I usually played.

Congratulations to the winners, and if you missed the quiz, you can catch up here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Giving up
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-04-23 11:24:45 AM (70 comments) | Permalink

Most everyone has taken some time off from something they enjoy for one reason or another - to lose weight, to save money, for health reasons, to prove that they could, as part of a religious observance, or because the door is broken on the gorram bathroom door and doesn't anybody in this house farking know how to knock?! I once decided to give up booze for a while too see if I might lose a few pounds. A while later, I mentioned offhand that I hadn't had any alcohol in a few weeks (it was part of the conversation, I didn't "I do CrossFit" it in there), and suddenly my coworkers were excitedly congratulating me and telling me they were so proud of me.  I guess they thought I was a lush.   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So anyway, I recently started drinking caffeine after having gone without it for a while, and I have to say, it's even better than I remember. It's so amazing. Caffeine, baby, if I ever walk away again, please come after me. 

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Pocket Ninja considered situations where it's okay to hook up with your aunt
markie_farkie showed us what whoever was in charge of renovating Notre Dame Cathedral was thinking
Langston reacted to the Notre Dame Cathedral fire
UberDave knew how to save money repairing Notre Dame
JerseyTim had an important question about "Game of Thrones"
WoodyHayes helpfully answered a question about dirty movies
hubiestubert found a flaw in the argument that we should all pee in the shower
noazark came up with a redesign for Notre Dame's spire
RolandTGunner argued for allowing kindergarten redshirting
maxandgrinch looked on the bright side of your child getting caught making plans to kidnap and murder people

Smart:
salvador.hardin discussed the purpose of bail
Voiceofreason01 explained the importance of the measles vaccine
HotWingConspiracy pointed out that a problem began before a man was bailed out of jail and murdered his wife
UberDave discussed problems that Generation X workers face
jay_bones15 didn't think a journalist understood pot potency math
mensan98th shared wisdom that applies to breakups as well as helping homeless people
scumm told us something you should know before you take up cave diving
NewportBarGuy shared a get rich quick scheme
Rapmaster2000 had adjusted expectations of credibility given to certain types of witnesses

CSB Sunday Morning:    That time you didn't get caught
Smart:
Carter Pewterschmidt got away with blowing the whole building
Funny: Civilized Barbarian made a Scooby-Doo-style getaway

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Snaps warned someone about opening a jar labeled "hair band"
Smart: Candygram4Mongo found a potential new TotalFark Discussion regular
Funny: sarahthustra knew why there were so many military aircraft flying over the U.S.
Funny: rosekolodny had a suggestion for a Farker who was given permission to "steal" a woman's underpants
Funny: farkingismybusiness summed up the dilemma of having cheap rent, but a cocaine-addicted landlord

Politics Funny:
holdmybones listed 12 redacted criminal referrals from the Mueller report
Telephone Sanitizer Second Class explained who Kaitlin Bennett is
thealgorerhythm suggested a different headline
wejash learned one thing from Pete Buttigieg's protesters
jayhawk88 explained why Sarah Sanders was right about not releasing Donald Trump's tax returns

Politics Smart:
Purple_Urkle reacted to the idea that God is on Trump's side
Samwiseass noticed something about many rich people's thoughts on who's lazy
weddingsinger thought that one industry gets a disproportionate amount of attention
MaudlinMutantMollusk found amusement in Trump's crack about California
Feindevil shared a draft of a letter to a senator


Contest Votes
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba showed half the town visiting a movie set
Alligator created a game with extremely high stakes
Driver's user name checked out in a place with confusing signs (I typed that before I saw that Kevin72 beat me to the joke)
Yammering_Splat_Vector found out what Fruity Pebbles cereal is made out of
Alligator discovered more damage than we'd been led to believe
ArcLight designed equine couture
noazark wanted to buy a vowel
hammettman ran into the opposite of a dead end
Circusdog320 cooked up a meal with plenty of protein and minerals
Totally Sharky Complete showed training wheels won't always keep you from wiping out

Caption:
Driver revealed the problem with pinnipeds

Farktography:
henryhill won Farktography Contest No. 728: "To a 'T'" with these train tracks

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: What I learned at the petting zoo
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-04-17 12:03:14 PM (53 comments) | Permalink

Over the weekend, I visited a petting zoo that houses exotic and farm animals rescued from various situations. As with many basement dwellers, I'm allergic to an assortment of animals, plants and opinions, so I require more than just an allergy pill when I venture out into the world. I found out that there's a type of mask you can wear to help filter out allergens, so I got some to keep my face from blowing up like a tomato while I pet the cows, chickens, horses, capybaras, llamas, dragons and hedgehogs. Sure, I looked like a weirdo, but that's normal for me. I have to tell you, though, that it worked! So I thought I'd pass that information along to any of you who are also basically allergic to going outside. 

Note: Do not try to steal a capybara from a petting zoo. They're pretty hard to hide under your jacket and you end up having to do community service... but at least you have a mask to wear while you're picking up garbage by the side of the road.

Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
T.rex was unhappy with the upcoming Star Wars film
Tanqueray paraphrased the reaction one announcer had to another announcer's comment about a gymnast's knees bending the wrong way
calbert had a GIF for that when a gymnast was injured
Wadded Beef noticed a surprising crossover in the new Star Wars trailer
born_yesterday had an alarming reaction to a crosswalk leading to someone's driveway
saywhonow figured out who Rey's parents are
Sid_6.7 explained why Americans of 200 years ago drank nearly a quart of whiskey a day
Pocket Ninja noted that a woman who suffered a botched microblading procedure wasn't very vindictive
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That had a GIF for questionable swimwear choices
Cyberluddite shared a story about a rainbow bumper sticker

Smart:
Ambivalence was bitter over taco trucks
Dewey Fidalgo didn't understand someone's determination to get to a destination
Unemployedingreenland discussed reasons ride sharing apps caused problems for taxis
ZAZ did the math on fines for keeping an illegal chateau
way south discussed the purpose of taxi medallions
Jack Sabbath wondered about the title for the next Star Wars film (spoiler if you haven't seen "The Last Jedi")
UninformedButEnthusiastic pointed out what "living paycheck-to-paycheck" really means
Tom-Servo extolled the virtues of taxis
Psychopusher analyzed the appearance of a woman who threatened to call ICE on people running a taco truck
dv-ous was protective of the grandparents' Netflix DVD-by-mail subscription

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: meat0918 noticed an unusual effect of reconstructive surgery
Smart: hobnail gave advice on talking a car dealership down in price by $2,000
Funny: Brawndo worked hard to be a problem solver
Funny: Unikitty revealed how another Farker helped a sibling
Smart: meg12279 knew how to handle a drunk fairy godmother

Politics Funny:
TomMalory appreciated a certain aspect of Ted Lieu's playing of a recording of Candace Owens' comments about Adolf Hitler
ZAZ had some information for anyone who wants to "trigger" a liberal
optikeye noted something Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez can do that Donald Trump hasn't been able to accomplish
FortyHams had a strong reaction to free avocados
mrshowrules exposed one of John Kerry's lies

Politics Smart:
edmo noticed strange behavior from Trump in regards to the Mueller report
Raymond Perjurytrap described how most Americans are "winning" under Trump's tax law
NeoCortex42 commented about  "the $35,000,000 (two years in the making) No Collusion Mueller Report"
thehobbes had a theory on why the Customs and Border Protection Commissioner didn't take Trump up on his pardon offer
TomMalory appreciated a certain aspect of Ted Lieu's playing of a recording of Candace Owens' comments about Adolf Hitler


Contest Votes
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba made a refreshing soda for Farkers
Circusdog320 showed an airplane creating God creating Adam
Ldrtchbrd found a sassy snek
RedZoneTuba knew someone who could use another fishing lure
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave a tank more personality
whitebelly gave a new meaning to the term "fisheye"
Alligator baited some bears
durbnpoisn played Umbrella Tetris
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel gave a peek at what Goop will be selling next
noazark found out how to keep a tiger busy

Farktography:
Vortex Dweller won Farktography Contest No. 727: "Abstract Thoughts 2" with a colorful Mason jar

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Beyond Fark

We're very sad to have learned of the sudden loss of Farker Solid State Vittles, a well-known Farker who commented in many different types of threads and met many Farkers in real life. You can read Solid State Vittles' memorial thread here. Our hearts go out to his friends and family.


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

Yet another fun and interesting time on the Quiz this week, but alas, once again the 1000 club remains empty. Denjiro takes the tops spot with 935, followed by MikeBoomshadow in second with 929 and geocacherphil in third with 917. dionysusaur takes fourth with 915, and sprgrss finishes out the top five with 906.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over the Soviet-era Hematogen candy bars popular in Russia and among Russian expats. Only 15% of quiztakers knew that what was listed on the wrapper as "black food albumin" was actually cow's blood. I guess the milk in the milk chocolate wasn't enough bodily fluids from the bovines. Let's hope they stopped there.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over artist Dan Robbins and his contributions to American pop culture. 78% of quiztakers knew that his paint-by-numbers artwork had once been exhibited in the Smithsonian Museum of American History. I guess in a sense it is the ultimate example of American consumerist pop art - cookie cutter stuff imagined by one person but mass-produced for everyone, with people expected to conform to a preset norm in order to make things look better than their own imagination and technique. Jeesh, that's deep and inherently depressing, but you gotta admit the guy who made it had to be a much better artist than virtually everyone who bought it.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which YouTube channel had a brief run as the most popular on the site before PewDiePie reclaimed his crown. Only 33% of quiztakers knew that with India's increasing Internet access available to people, folks really were focusing on their most popular entertainment outside of cricket and T-series, which focuses on Bollywood clips and trailers, briefly took the top spot by a few thousand subscribers. For the record, BTS did recently set a record for the most number of views in the first 24 hours after uploading for their collaboration with American artist Halsey called "Boy With Luv", but they have no "official" YouTube channel. Their videos usually debut on the "ibighit" channel, which has *only* 17 million subscribers as compared to PewDiePie's 92 million+.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which Eagles album you can hear live in concert this fall in Las Vegas. 87% of Quiztakers knew that you'll be able to hear "Hotel California" in its entirety on Sept. 27 and 28 at MGM Grand Garden Arena. No word on if they'll do the *real* version of the title track or that wussy acoustic version with the bongos from the "Hell Freezes Over" album. 

If you missed the quiz, you can catch up on it here, now that you know some of the answers. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week!
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