________________________
 
A special message from toraque :  
________________________  
 
The third annual Fark Fiction Anthology is now open for submissions!
 
We're looking for short, original fiction from the Fark community, up to 10K words in length, in any of the following genres: Fantasy, Science Fiction, Humor, Horror, or Suspense/mystery/thriller.
 
Our fearless panel of editors and readers is liquored up and ready to pick the best entries of 2018, which will be published on Amazon in trade paperback and Kindle e-book editions.  All proceeds will again benefit an excellent charity, although this year I didn't even bother to ask if I could use their name since they turned us down every time in the past.
 
So are you ready for the glory of publication along with the best and brightest writers on Fark? Submit your entries here!
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
Delta - 364
Hope Hicks - 336
Tariff - 734
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
HighOnCraic summed up the Pope's message to bad Christians
HighOnCraic posted a reminder about the father of a Parkland student who doctored emails from CNN
ZAZ either mistakes incest for love or really likes having the sister-in-law over for dinner
Byno didn't need an AR-15 to win a fight
scottydoesntknow didn't think the user name checked out
King Something imagined a silly argument about gun control
The_Sponge named the most disappointing ending to a TV show
wademh already knew someone's story
fusillade762 was alarmed by a discovery in the search for a missing CDC scientist
elkboy received a smartass Father's Day present
 
Smart:
cfreak became a fan of the AR-15
Daikiki noticed something when a teacher barricaded himself in a classroom and fired a gun
Pocket Ninja had an alternate view of a man with an AR-15 confronting a man with a knife
edmo had a theory on why Olympics ratings were so low
Pocket Ninja wasn't outraged that a winning Olympic team didn't get free flight upgrades
fusillade762 pointed out some reasons why it's unwise to harass your nurse
cleek knew the next step in keeping students safe at school
bloobeary explained Luke's plan to rescue Han in "Return of the Jedi"
SBinRR discussed cruise meal expectations
edmo thought there was another reason sheriff deputies were being accused of not acting during a school shooting
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Smart: TotalFark Discussion people apparently know something about a certain Farker's mom, because they voted "smart" on this comment from birdmanesq
Funny: meg12279 had the best "deer hunting caliber"
Funny: Ace Rockola explained why it's okay to vote for your own comments
Smart: ManateeGag knew the best thing to make if you have Spam and basic ingredients
Funny: whatshisname knew the best side dish for pork chops
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Pretty songs
Smart: Recoil Therapy told the story of getting a song for a first dance at a wedding ready
Funny: gordian shared a strange story of a makeup song between friends
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
impaler showed Snekretary answering questions about charges against Rick Gates being dropped
HighOnCraic reacted to Donald Trump's admiration for Xi Jinping becoming China's "president for life"
AdmirableSnackbar provided some lawyerly credentials to help another Farker out
impaler showed how Press Snekretary Danger Noodle is taking his new copyright registration
Redh8t had a little trouble trying to add tears to a photo of Devin Nunes
 
Politics Smart:
ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha had a theory on how Trump sees trade agreements
somedude210 had a message for Trump about betraying the United States of America
edmo had another way of describing having compassion only for those who are close to you
KodosZardoz commented on Trump's apparent interest in being president for life
fusillade762 found evidence of Kid Rock's great respect for the American flag
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
wickedfish showed Trump trolling everyone with a parade float
RedZoneTuba remembered Trump's great sacrifice
Yammering_Splat_Vector found this guy a less comfortable place to sit
Yammering_Splat_Vector pulled a hate fark float up to the prison
Circusdog320 perked up the Eiffel Tower
Yammering_Splat_Vector heated things up a bit
RedZoneTuba made this wood look good enough to put in your mouth
Alligator found someone for Tom Cruise to annoy
Alligator discovered some irresponsible target practice
Alligator showed us why this baby is so happy (safe for work, but maybe awkward for work)
 
Farktography:
wickedfish won Farktography Contest No. 669: "Geometry 2" with a bumpy bath mat
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Sunday, March 25th: Forsythe P Jones (Richard Sousa) Celebration of Life

We're moving into March, which was named for Mars, the Roman god of war. The planet where green aliens live is also named after Mars. March 17th is St. Patrick's Day, when everyone is expected to wear green. A few days later on March 20th is National Alien Abductions Day, an obscure holiday that nobody knows the origins of. Clearly, it was started by Martians. This whole month is obviously one big alien conspiracy. Study it out, people.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
Dana Loesch - 328
CPAC - 450
Arm teachers - 105
Billy Graham - 190
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
Pocket Ninja mourned Billy Graham's passing
GRCooper clarified a common expression
hobnail speculated on the effects of Mount Sinabung's eruption
croesius was shocked by a murder with an absinthe bottle
Scorpitron is reduced to a thin red paste took issue with an article opposing yoga pants
The Goddamn Batman explained why people like a pretty gross beverage
Mike_LowELL had an adventure at the movie theater
zamboni found a photo of yet another person doing the "senior portrait challenge"
baorao reacted to a man with two penes
NeoCortex42 remembered a consequential hit of the 1990s
 
Smart:
swaniefrmreddeer supported freedom of religion
Gubbo put the concern over kids using phones during school shootings into perspective
eurotrader compared a deputy sheriff's salary to a teacher's salary, and added more comments on this comparison
PreMortem discussed the resource deputy at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School not confronting the shooter
Pocket Ninja mourned Billy Graham's passing
hissatsu was unnerved by some of Trump's supporters
PadreScout explained why religion isn't like race, gender, or sexual persuasion
hobnail discussed problems that are caused by "purity culture"
wademh thought about what a high school resource officer was up against
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Smart: Barnacles! answered the question, "Who's the oldest person that you would like to see in the nude?"
Funny: casey.lurvs.bacon explained when people show off their homemade sex tapes
Funny: Barry McCockner was had a question about a confusing seduction scenario
Funny: brap had a polite way to relay some awkward information
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Strange friends
Smart: wademh played kick with the soccer team's outcast
Funny: The Pope of Manwich Village has a friend who is unintentionally funny
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
toraque discovered some shocking information in the Democratic response to the Nunes memo
duppy thought that the CNN Town Hall on the Parkland, Florida shooting looked familiar
boxbot2000 reacted to news that Twitter banned thousands of Russian bot accounts
StopArrestingMe had a plan to replace Twitter
King Something revealed who Mueller is going after in the U.K.
 
Politics Smart:
phrawgh disagreed with an NRA argument against gun control
RJReves explained to Trump why Obama didn't do more about Russian interference
wademh had something to say about Trump mocking John McCain at CPAC
luckyeddie discussed Trump's plans to have a parade this particular Vetarans Day
blastoh listed "the big 5 conservative myths"
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
wickedfish showed us a flock of superdogs
Circusdog320 helped a superhero dog watch over the city
ionthrust made an advertisement for a cool new movie
Iggie replaced the White House Press Secretary
markie_farkie captured an image of a supersonic pooch
Wrongo demonstrated the best way to core an apple
RedZoneTuba gave a compelling reason to join TotalFark
Me_Too_I_Ate_One_Too made a dream come true
Svatch had either a good deal or a threat
Yammering_Splat_Vector let us know what we should do for Farkistan
Alligator reminded us what to do every payday
 
Farktography:
pershing won Farktography Contest No. 668: "It's a Technicality 2" with this here doohickey
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Sunday, March 25th: Forsythe P Jones (Richard Sousa) Celebration of Life
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe)
 
Here are your Fark Headlines of the Week for February 11-17!

Thanks to all our submitters!!  We love all our submissions, and Headlines of the Week lets us showcase our absolute favorites.

Thanks especially to the Sports and Business tab submitters this week again - these tabs have usually been hard to make funny, and submitters have been knocking it out of the park on a consistent basis recently.

Any headline is in consideration for Headline of the Week, but to vote you need to be a member of TotalFark. Thanks to all our TotalFark voters!

Headlines of the Week for February 18-24 is processing and will be posted Thursday or Friday; in the meantime, enjoy these February 11-17 Headlines of the Week!
________________________ 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

Some weeks, I just can't come up with an intro. This is one of those weeks.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
13 Russians - 173
Valentine - 556
Thoughts and prayers - 486
Presidents' Day - 30
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
scottydoesntknow offered some words of wisdom for would-be poachers
Grumpy Cat noticed an appropriate comment in a tipping thread
tonguedepressor imagined Trump's conversation with Putin
Sid_6.7 paraphrased an ambiguous caption
wooden_badger figured that a church doesn't need to tip a server
Snarfangel hoped for a method of autism prevention
Unikitty had some bad news for a Farker
impaler reminisced about the glory days of adult entertainment
fusillade762 was excited about discussing circumcision
Recoil Therapy was appalled by a TV channel's schedule
 
Smart:
Skyking Skyking Do Not Answer admired a woman who stood up to an armed man at a daycare
SoCalChris wondered about equipment police took the the school shooting
elkboy defended a server who initially wasn't tipped for a takeout order
HawgWild appreciated some stellar journalism
Leandros A discussed how big of a problem sex trafficking is
Man On A Mission inquired about tipping practices
Pazuzu Smith-Jones was not impressed by a time traveler
impaler defended Alex Jones' poorly-timed tweet
beezeltown explained just how much of a bullshiat move a jackass magistrate tried to pull
docpeteyJ was sad about some preparation school kids have to go through today
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny: EggFool replied to the headline, "HR lost subby's I9 form. Subby filled it out 15+yrs ago. What are you have having for dinner?"
Funny: Creepy Lurker Guy showed up when needed
Funny: Ceteris Paribus Says knew why a wife might get the wrong message from an excuse to avoid sexytime
Smart: Mrs.Sharpier advised someone who wasn't sure what to order at happy hour with new coworkers
Funny: Shostie explained why some Farkers haven't been around lately
Smart: MBK shared a very sweet story
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Sneaking in
Smart & Funny: GRCooper wandered into the wrong hotel
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
naughtyrev was surprised by one of Donald Trump's affairs
Atomic Jonb gave us a helpful tip
ManateeGag was unable to fulfill a farking request
Archidude had an idea of what the unknown substance that was mailed to Trump's daughter-in-law was
Weatherkiss showed us what a nothing burger might look like
 
Politics Smart:
scottydoesntknow summed up Trump's complaint about Democrats and gun control
STDMan69 didn't think Bernie Sanders needed to comment on Russian trolls backing him during the election
ValisIV pointed to Sanders' support of Hillary Clinton after the primaries
ParallelUniverseParking amended Trump's tweet about the high school shooting victims
Devolving_Spud reacted to the claim that "'crumbling infrastructure' is a myth"
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
ElectronChaser reminded us how hard up we used to be
wickedfish took a private phone call
Glockenspiel Hero showed us the type of ad you don't see anymore
retrophil revealed the most high-tech repair tool
Don_cos remembered the best day of the week
Iggie found the treasure that that was mysteriously hidden in the woods by everyone's house
Circusdog320 shared a very important magazine
Alligator showed us what happens when a lion is struck by lightning
Thrakkorzog found a cool new pet
Don_cos sent a very rude wake up-call
 
Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 667: "Shades of Gray 3" ended in a three-way between henryhill's train cars, Tribs' treeline and CiliarySpasm's photo from the Indianapolis Museum of Art
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Saturday, February 24th: Houston Fark Party

I don't know what's going on with everyone showing off lately. First, President Trump decides he wants to show off with a big military parade. Then SpaceX totally showed off by launching their fancy-ass rocket, with some dummy taking that as an opportunity to fark right off into space and the rocket boosters returning and sitting their asses down like, "We're back, biatches!" Meanwhile, athletes from around the world are totally showing off in Korea. I mean, there are snowboarders showing off by flipping around and shiat with their feet glued to planks like plastic army men. Then ice skaters are doing a bunch of tricks on a slab of ice with, like, knifeshoes strapped to their feet. And the curlers are showing off with, I don't know, how good they are at cleaning the floor? 
 
A message from Drew:
 
Happy Tuesday!  Hope everyone's not too distracted with the Olympics, "Altered Carbon," or whatever your favorite evening pastime might be.  A quick note: Last year, we had a bunch of TotalFark subscribers pick up one-year subscriptions to help with the Google ad revenue shortfall.  That pretty much helped us survive the year.  As of this year, a bunch of those year-long TotalFark subscriptions have lapsed.  If this was you, or you've considered signing up, now would be a fantastic time to get TotalFark or BareFark, and sign up a friend!
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
Parade - 1303
Falcon Heavy - 171
Tesla - 354
PyeongChang - 33
Olympic - 1001
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
Mike_LowELL found out what's causing drops in the stock market
anjin-san recognized Obama's time machine at work
markie_farkie thought a stock trader's expression looked familiar
Nadie_AZ was dismayed when someone took a Tesla 3 apart
optikeye reacted to a photo of the Tesla that was shot into space
bearded clamorer donates hair to a strange charity
guestguy summed up the problem with too much snowfall in Moscow
Pocket Ninja explained why some people can't afford to tip 20% on an expensive bottle of wine
H31N0US gave advice on handling stock market dives
enry knew why you shouldn't get a flu shot
 
Bonus FarkStaff Pick:   
These comments were chosen for how they work together. First, Pocket Ninja ridiculed an article about an $85,000 salary not being enough to live in San Jose. Later, another thread was submitted, in which Dr.Fey had this bit of criticism.
 
Smart:
markie_farkie wasn't encouraged by Trump's track record
JerkStore thought that Tesla 3s were being judged too harshly
dailygrinds had an idea of why an expert found so much wrong with a Tesla 3
Kit Fister had an apt description of the stock market
Pocket Ninja discussed merging onto an interstate
Donald Trump's Vagina thought that there should be another benefit to military service
whidbey changed MAGA to MAGDA
FrabjousDay thought of a few things a young couple did wrong
cptjeff didn't think that a particular investment was more stable than the stock market
Ambivalence explained why it's possible for a forced haircut to qualify as abuse
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny:ManateeGag comforted someone who found a gray hair down south
Funny:JerseyTim knew why a Farker's kid threw an unauthorized horse party (this whole thread is pretty good)
Funny:Kegovitch had advice for a very sore Farker
Smart:Ace Rockola advised someone who wants to dig a grave in the back yard
Smart:K_Rock thought the party damage could have been much worse
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Things overheard
Smart:Dodger learned something by overhearing moms talking
Funny:Brawndo found out something unsettling about mom's driving
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That had a question about Donald Trump's desire to have a parade
Slaxl helped Prince William handle hair loss in a dignified way
RJReves compared a politican to the prostitute he solicited
Paris1127 explained why Nancy Pelosi doesn't need adult diapers
Slaxl showed us all the people protesting U.K.'s health care system
 
Politics Smart:
Ambivalence explained why U.K. National Health Service is having problems
Mad Scientist saw irony in Trump's defense of Rob Porter
cman told us why a U.S. military parade would be inappropriate
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That had a question about Donald Trump's desire to have a parade
edmo examined the consequences of boycotting the Republican Party
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba made an argument for a superior video format
retrophil recorded over a special occasion
Alligator put a movie in a movie
wickedfish had a reality TV show star sighting
ElectronChaser made a moon be not a moon
sl4psh0t upgraded a video tape
At first, I thought it was supposed to be Don_cos on this tape
wickedfish replaced some frogmen with some frogmen
Circusdog320 found two ships passing in the night
Yammering_Splat_Vector made a great screensaver
Alligator gave this kid a new gig
 
Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 666: "Mark of the Beast" ended with a tie between beerrun's winged friend and CiliarySpasm's horny red head
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Saturday, February 24th: Houston Fark Party
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe)
 
We love all our submissions and submitters, and we want to give an extra shout out to a couple tabs this week. The entertainment tab and sports tab are two of the hardest tabs to make funny, and this past week, both were hilarious. Go take a look at the Fark Headlines of the Week if you have a chance.
________________________ 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

If you noticed that the Fark NotNewsletter is going out on a Tuesday this week, you might figure it's because I was watching the Super Bowl on Sunday. You'd be wrong, though. It's actually because we've decided to start releasing it on Tuesdays from now on. It will still cover the time frame from Sunday morning to Sunday morning, but you'll now have one more day to look forward to reading it.
 
Speaking of the Super Bowl, I really have nothing to say about it because I didn't watch it, but here's a thread for a great Super Bowl-related article that you might have missed. It's a good read even if you're not into sports.
 
In other news, it's Drew's 45th and Fark's 19th birthday tomorrow (Wednesday), so be sure to raise a glass. Whatever's in that glass is entirely up to you. Just make sure you wash it thoroughly when you're done.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
 
Super Bowl - 1164
Superb Owl - 220
Patriots - 677
Eagles - 1206
Justin Timberlake - 122
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
brap shared words from a man whose tooth was knocked out by a stripper at the Hustler Club
slackananda explained why you shouldn't force your kids to drink bleach
NomenousQuandary saw a problem with telling internet trolls to collect their sandwich at the South Pole
Cyrus the Mediocre reacted to being told that feeding kids bleach won't make their autism go away
enry revealed the problem with a man's "forever" ticket for United Airlines
probesport thought that what happened and Larry Nassar's hearing sounded familiar
bdub77 made an accurate statement about "red-blooded American males"
EJ25T helped ask a question about sucking
bdub77 explained how taxes caused the U.S. Civil War
you are a puppet presented a "Wheel of Fortune" challenge
 
Smart:
Chariset pointed out a sad truth about anti-vaxxers and dangerous autism "cures"
rcain argued that homeschooling should be illegal
rcain thought that New Mexico is keeping prisoners past their release date for reasons other than the stated ones
winedrinkingman had thoughts about parents' dangerous actions to fend off autism
Scorpitron is reduced to a thin red paste saw nefarioius reasons for homeschooling to exist at all
edmo had a counterproposal to charging to un-block adult content on the internet
Pocket Ninja saw nothing wrong with most father-daughter dances
WyDave predicted what will happen because of insurance companies refusing to pay for ER visits
Leandros A didn't like the "red-blooded American male" excuse
Magorn saw through a common phrase
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny: generalDisdain explained why a Farker's "hookup" was still hanging around the next day
Smart: Badafuco knew why someone's wife was giving permission to sleep around
Smart: MalloreeH offered some dating advice
Funny: L.D. Ablosmuggled a cat into a dog thread
Funny: flucto gave another reason for a spouse to allow sex with others
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Storm stories
Smart:SBinRR almost went splat
Funny: Hankie Fest unintentionally pranked someone
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
jbc gave evidence of how much of a failure Devin Nunes' memo was
Jack Sabbathreacted to reports that a train carrying GOP lawmakers had crashed
NeuroticRocker had a counterpoint about the train crash
shower_in_my_socks explained what garbage the memo turned out to be
bdub77 showed us what was actually in the memo
 
Politics Smart:
Trump's decision to release Nunes' memo reminded Sgt Otter of something
danielem1 speculated on the reason FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe stepped down
tomasso figured out how politics and awards shows are allowed to intersect
somedude210 drew connections between Putin and Trump
mrshowrules wanted people to know that The FBI started investigating Carter Page even before Trump entered politics.
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
sl4psh0t showed us what this "natural bridge" is actually made out of
wiredroach figured that the world's worst job is a high profile one
Yammering_Splat_Vector created an oddly soothing wet belly animation
Don_cos found out what doctors practice in their spare time
Abe Vigoda's Ghost gave the U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican an eye lift
ElectronChaser discovered a severe case of worms
RedZoneTuba showed that sometimes your clients are your biggest problems
Carter Pewterschmidt discovered Fark's server monkey's side job
Iggie found Mr. Whipple at it again
Terrapin Bound gave these friends a colorful splashing puddle
 
Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 665: "Comfort 2" ended in a tie between Ennuipoet's cat and inelegy's wife.
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
Fark Headlines of the Week
 
Here's the thread for Fark's Headlines of the Week
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

The Grammy Awards were last night and we got to see Sting and Bono a whole bunch, Patti LuPone sang, Elton John did a duet with that wholesome Miley Cyrus and wait a minute, what year is it?
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Secret society - 178
Autocorrect - 70 (you're welcome, Weatherkiss)
Fire Mueller - 162
Grammy - 115
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
Mr. Coffee Nerves has complicated relationships
Subtonic knows how to please the ladies
FormlessOne recognized a pattern of behavior behind Dane Cook dating a much younger woman
Petit_Merdeux wondered why Fox News needs a meteorologist
King Something thought there was something familiar about deporting a Kalamazoo doctor
BafflerMeal had the perfect response for a crude comment
olapbill is a real trooper when it comes to dirty videos
Eddie Adams from Torrance had a song about Cliven Bundy
rcain explained why millennials aren't interested in spending time in "the great outdoors"
Prey4reign explained why Harry Styles would make a great James Bond
 
Smart:
FormlessOne explained why millennials aren't buying expensive new outdoor equipment
FormlessOne commented on ICE's crackdown on immigrants
YouWinAgainGravity had a suggestion for how the trend of eating Tide Pods should be dealt with
Mad Scientist saw some hypocrisy in a possible deportation
Marcus Aurelius had advice for men who want to criticize a woman's appearance
abhorrent1 thought ICE might have gone too far even for Trump
FormlessOne came up with a new name for Hobby Lobby
FormlessOne explained why it can take a long time for an abused child to escape
Gubbo asked a question after Larry Nassar was sentenced for sexual abuse
shastacola liked the judge in the Nassar case
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny: L.D. Ablo knew which "hub" site a Farker's friend showed up on
Funny: Al_Ed noticed something about sexy spots for women to get tattoos
Smart: Por que tan serioso thought of the perfect place for TotalFark Discussion regulars to hook up with each other
Funny: optikeye shared the tale of a car's demise
Funny: merrillvillain admitted to stealing something
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Childhood best friends
Smart: TheXerox befriended a squeaky kid
Funny: Snarcoleptic_Hoosier enjoys trolling a childhood friend
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
spooky.action proved that a guy who punched someone was wearing an Antifa mask
Lochsteppe revealed the contents of recovered text messages between two FBI agents
kliq had a question about charges against Donald Trump
ToastmasterGeneral dropped some knowledge about cheeks
Barfmaker revealed what it takes to get rid of Stephen Miller
 
Politics Smart:
Mr. Coffee Nerves imagined if Hillary Clinton had won and ran things the way Trump does
Tr0mBoNe recognized the wisdom behind wanting to fire Mueller
bloobeary thought about what it would take for r/The_Donald to turn on Trump
Gubbo had an idea about what might be on Melania Trump's mind
wademh had advice for Melania
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
First, a note from Gwinny:
 
Yammering_Splat_Vector, reigning Photoshop God, recently passed the 1000 mark in contest wins. Not only does this truly make him our Esteemed Leader, but it also means he has won far more Guinness bar towels and hot cocoa samplers than anyone else. So let's all raise a glass to YSV. May he have many more years of triumph!
 
Be sure to check out the Photoshop thread celebrating Yammering_Splat_Vector's 1000th contest win.
 
#2 created a flag showing the deep trust forming between North and South Korea
Alligator made a classic Fark favorite into 007
Alligator presented YSV with a trophy that's happy to see you
Wrongo showed a shocking social media stunt
RedZoneTuba reminded us that there are more dangerous things than eating laundry packets
RedZoneTuba revealed that some old cartoons were actually documentaries
RedZoneTuba showed us a very strange thing to do with your Tide Pods
Geordles gave this tree a reason to be leaning
Alligator brought refreshments for YSV's celebration
wickedfish united Korea
 
Farktography:
CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 664: "Delineation" with some earth and sky
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Beyond Fark  
 
We're sad to have lost Farker Forsythe P. Jones to cancer.  You can read his memorial thread here.

In yet another sign that "Idiocracy" was a prophecy, the "Tide Pod Challenge" has been everywhere lately. If you've managed to not learn what it is so far, it's another one of those "I'll post video of me doing something stupid on the internet" things, this time with people biting into Tide Pods. When I first heard of it, I thought it was just the news media falling for another urban legend about what kids are supposedly doing, but it turns out this one is actually true. Maybe they saw toddlers and old people doing it and thought it looked cool - kids are always trying to look like babies and geriatrics, right? So now adults are trying to distract these laundry detergent-eating daredevils with lookalike recipes, with local businesses cashing in on the soapy craze.
 
Anyway, I guess the moral of the story here is that there are worse things kids can do than just sitting around eating Doritos and playing video games all day.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Tide Pod - 192
Stormy Daniels - 332
Girther - 48
Shutdown - 1506
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
Ambitwistor helpfully provided a GIF of a video so nobody would miss out on the excitement
Mr_Fabulous came up with Krispy Kreme's next new doughnut flavor
buzzcut73 shared a story about a friend's career-ending lapse in judgement
Subtonic wasn't amused by another Farker's guess as to what a mystery room under a house was for
Absolut Height Advantage disapproved of a reaction to a quarterback's death
kdawg7736 was disappointed to not get the greenlight for an article about Walmart criminals escaping on electric scooters (but this was made right by  the followup thread)
Mad_Radhu proved that there are worse things than having your face blurred
bearded clamorer found that a sneeze can be enjoyable
Abe Vigoda's Ghost altered the graphic for an article about sexual harassment
Weatherkiss shared more information about kids in China addicted to sniffing cats
 
Smart:
Voiceofreason01 analyzed a homeschool mom who wants her daughter to be allowed to ride the school bus
JustinZ pointed out that a headline submitter was mistaken about U.S. combat in the '80s
ElPresidente came up with a cheap way for us all to get around town
This About That discussed the reason naval commanders are being charged with negligent homicide
wejash had more '80s U.S. combat to add to a submitter's study list
Redh8t discussed leadership and responsibility
calbert shared a child's reaction to Tom Petty's death
Rev.K had an alternative to a sexual consent app
AdmirableSnackbar spotted a major flaw in a behavior study of bicyclists
FormlessOne explained why Border Patrol agents are destroying humanitarian supplies
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny: Adjective Bird Whiskey revealed the "personal" videos a Farker found on a coworker's laptop
Smart: MalloreeH noted that TotalFark Discussion isn't equipped to handle some problems
Funny: MalloreeH gave an example of why people are opposed to incest even between consenting adults
 
CSB Sunday Morning: The worst thing you ever broke
Smart: croesius busted the nose of someone who deserved much worse
Funny: Roman Fyseek figured out the wrong way to store quilts
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
Eddie Adams from Torrance explained why Donald Trump won't be taken down for money laundering
OdradekRex told us what it will be like when Stormy Daniels talks about Trump's... thing
Eddie Adams from Torrance wanted people to stop complaining about Trump putting a gag order on Bannon
BizarreMan pointed out that Melania still has some baby weight to lose
mrshowrules figured out how Chuck Schumer can work out a deal with Ryan and McConnell
 
Politics Smart:
Geriatric Goodman Brown discussed running for office
casual disregard gave a Department of Defense employee's opinion on the government shutdown
El_Perro found inconsistencies in someone's story about coming out as a Republican
aaronx discussed Trump's place in the Republican Party
Makh pointed out that Trump voters got what they asked for
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
daRog found Donald Trump dealing with a personal crisis
Lava Lamp Repairman changed words on a magazine cover
manyone showed us what a beautiful screw might look like
Yammering_Splat_Vector got an elephant ready to take on some poachers
Surly U. Jest discovered the WWII plane you never knew about
manyone found Master Yoda showing off
damat01 really mixed some genres here
Circusdog320 gave the rebels a secret weapon
RedZoneTuba picked the wrong week to stop Photoshopping
doyner showed us what a flock of hate might look like
 
Farktography:
CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 663: "Pink 2" with a photo of some kind of noodle monster
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Beyond Fark  
 
We're sad to learn that two Farkers died in November. We're very grateful, though, to their family members for telling our community of internet weirdos about their loss.
 
gremlin1 was most active in Caturday threads where she shared many stories and, of course, pictures. Her sister was kind enough to answer an email and break the bad news when the Caturday crew became concerned at gremlin1's absence. You can read gremlin1's memorial thread here.
 
Otto's_Jacket submitted a thread about his recent pancreatic cancer diagnosis back in November. Unfortunately, he died a week later. We're thankful to his wife for contacting Farkback to let us know because "he loved Fark so much and really enjoyed getting to know other Farkers." You can read Otto's_Jacket's memorial thread here. It's a continuation of the thread he submitted about his diagnosis.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe)
 
We're back with Fark Headlines of the Week!  We had so much fun with Headline of the Year - thanks everyone for reading and voting!  We're now slowly catching up on the last weeks of December and beginning of January Headlines of the Week - they're all *mostly* done, but those last few steps to get to our favorites sometimes takes a bit because we like so many. 
 
We kept a few more favorites than usual this week, especially in main and politics.  
 
Thanks to all our submitters and to our TotalFark voters! 
 
MAIN - this tab is the absolute best for laughs and creativity.  We kept extra this week and still had so many more that we wish we could include.  
 
SPORTS - this tab has some gems and we kept some extras this week, thanks for the creativity!
 
GEEK - always smart *and* funny, geek submitters find so many great articles that we just don't see elsewhere on social media.  Thanks! 
 
ENTERTAINMENT - these stories are oddly challenging to make funny, but we've got some good ones!   
 
POLITICS - thanks for making politics just a little more palatable by making it funny!  One tip for submitters - we get a lot of Trump-centric headlines, we can use a lot more policy and other politics.  Those are harder to make funny so they're more of a challenge to get greenlit, but we're looking for them and we're trying to greenlight more of them! 
 
BUSINESS - fun headlines in this tab, especially about the joys of bitcoin investing.  
 
DISCUSSION - lots of great discussions, live threads, weekly threads like the always creative Fark Writer's Thread - and more than a few funny headlines! Discussion doesn't have to be funny, but it's more fun when it is. We look at both the multi-sentence / multi-question headlines, and the traditional one-liners. Thanks for getting creative here!  One extra shout out - a pair of submitters somehow managed to get back-to-back headlines for an extra punchline.  Go take a look, and nice job.  
 
________________________ 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________  
 
So it's the one year anniversary of the announcement of the most recent Google fiasco.  So how are things going?
 
First and foremost, we were facing a pretty big financial shortfall last year.  A ton of folks signed up for TotalFark and BareFark and that got us through!  Now that we're a year out from the event, a bunch of year subscriptions have just ended.  If you haven't signed up for either/both, now would be a really good time!  Seriously get right on that.  It may not seem like it helps much, but Fark wouldn't be here today without all the signups from last year!  You can sign up for TotalFark here, and sign up for BareFark here.  You can also gift TotalFark and BareFark to your friends and enemies.
 
Google and I had some prolonged conversations after the January 2017 announcement about how to prevent similar future situations.  They've actually implemented one of the suggestions, which was to shut off ads to just the pages that had iffy content as opposed to the entire website.  We've gotten just a few notices since, where ads were shut off only on the offending page, and things have worked extremely well for both us and Google.  So kudos to them for taking action to fix the situation.  
 
As for Fark, we're going to make it.  However things are still financially tight and we've got a bunch of updates on our to-do list I'd love to get to.  One of those in particular is we're switching Fark to SSL in the next couple of weeks.
 
If you have TotalFark, you might have noticed that yesterday all your Fark pages are now HTTPS instead of plain old boring HTTP.  For those of you unaware of such things, HTTPS is a more secure version of HTTP.  It encrypts all information to and from our servers, making it so that that creepy guy at Starbucks can't sniff your traffic (not a euphemism).  We've wanted to do this for a long time, but most ad networks weren't up to speed yet and we couldn't afford to take a big hit on revenue.  But most of the ad networks we use now support HTTPS pages and we're happy to announce that we just switched to all-HTTPS for TotalFarkers.  If all goes well, we'll switch everyone over to all-HTTPS in a few weeks.  If you're not signed up for TotalFark yet and you don't want to wait, it's only $5/month - you can sign up for TotalFark here."
 
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Executive time - 114
Shiathole - 2328
False alarm - 112
Hawaii - 493
Missile - 362
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
WyDave remarked on the likelihood of finding love in rural areas
What_Would_Jimi_Do found the description of a burnt car to be inaccurate
FortyHams recognized a criminal caught on security camera
fusillade762 recognized what a critic of the "Me Too" movement was doing
Dimensio knew how to deal with an HOA's open garage rule
Mike_LowELL uses racist laundry detergent
Rapmaster2000 explained why teachers don't need raises
Brian Dead lamented the death of casual sex
Sum Dum Gai pointed out the real problem with the tech industry
Prank Call of Cthulhu didn't appreciate being summoned to a thread
 
Smart:
FormlessOne discussed problems that schools are facing
Millennium had a suggestion for how a hospital shoudl deal with mistreatment of a patient
Benevolent Misanthrope gave an opinion on local school boards
MontanaDave thought something could be learned from the federal government's bungling of the Cliven Bundy standoff case
LordZorch did not see the problem with Apu
blastoh explained why HOAs are often a problem
jasonvatch suggested punishment for prosecutors and police officers who work against justice
abb3w explained how the government lost the Cliven Bunday standoff case
abhorrent1 discussed Trump's handling of the ballistic missile false alarm in Hawaii
Carousel Beast explained why it was helpful for a witness to get video of hospital staff dumping a patient outside
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny: Mike_LowELL wrote a heartfelt plea to Drew
Funny: Huck Chaser answered the question, "What's something that seems to be sexy in adult films but not in real life?"
Smart: PolloDiablo revealed a favorite hobby
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Homebound
Smart: GRCooper found that sitting at home Farking all day can pay off
Funny: davidphogan escaped across the country after being homebound
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
Tanqueray explained why the head of HHS's family planning programs resigned
Mike_LowELL learned one thing from Donald Trump's "shiathole" comments
Erma Gerdd had a vision when reading a Fark headline
thisisyourbrainonFark summarized the Fusion GPS testimony
Epoch_Zero showed how the Fusion GPS transcripts were handled
 
Politics Smart:
Dimensio reacted to the release of the Fusion GPS testimony transcripts
BigBurrito said something about people who live in glass shiatholes shouldn't throw stones
shower_in_my_socks pointed out why more Norwegians aren't trying to move to the U.S.
Mike_LowELL learned one thing from Donald Trump's "shiathole" comments
NateAsbestos provided a short version of the Fusion GPS testimony
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Alligator had an invention that would definitely not result in more road rage incidents
I_Am_Weasel made an Apple product for your cat
wickedfish stuck up a reminder that everything has its limits
RedZoneTuba went where no cat has gone before
wickedfish brought back memories for older Farkers
manyone doesn't have this light bulb to kick around anymore
anustart put out an unnecessary warning
Surly U. Jest showed the life and death of an automobile
Don_cos had enough of these kids and their loud music
RedZoneTuba gave this woman a better view
 
Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 662: "Mmm Bokeh 4" ended in a tie between wickedfish's really cool shot and Circusdog320's tall, slender model
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)    
 
We had a good one this week. Unfortunately, no one hit the 1000 club for the third straight week. We'll go a little easier on you this week, we promise. (Ed: No we won't.) In first place, barely missing out on the big one-zero-zero-zero was brokentype14, scoring 996, with HighwayBill in second with 949 and xrayspx taking third with 934. Tax Boy saw fourth with 931, and skloon rounds out the top 5 with 928. Remember that time is a factor on the quiz, so the quicker you choose the correct answer, the higher your score.
 
The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over In-N-Out's new menu item. Only 38% of quiztakers knew that the chain had moved from the coastal west to colder climates, and hot cocoa was therefore in demand. No word on if it's available on your burger as a "secret menu item," but  really, it's only a matter of time before someone tries and then blogs about it.
 
The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over who Barack Obama was going to be interviewed by in his first late-night appearance after leaving the Oval Office. 84% of quiztakers knew that his interview would be with David Letterman on his new limited Netflix series "My Next Guest Needs No Introduction." Which brings the question, is it "late night" if it's on Netflix? I watched it at 10:30 AM local time. Also, is it just me or does that show needs a different editor? The cameras jump around so much it's like I'm watching a Hollywood fight scene where they keep jumping between the actor and the stunt double every 2 seconds. I was half expecting Michael Bay's name in the credits.
 
The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the most popular genre of music by total consumption in the U.S. last year. Only 48% of quiztakers knew that Rock had been overtaken by R&B/Hip-hop for the first time. Country/Western still sits back in third across the nation, although here in the South most cities have about 9 different flavors of country stations, one modern rock, one classic rock, and one R&B that might on occasion play a rap song late at night. And NPR.
 
The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which computer guru claims to have had his Twitter account hacked after Tweets showed up promoting some obscure digital currency. 87% of quiztakers knew that it was John McAfee who wasn't using two-step verification. I mean, really, why would he bother? Who's going to try to hack John McAfee? Also, Peter Norton has long retired from public life and spends his days on charitable work and art collecting. My research failed to turn up a public Twitter account, so at least he's not at risk for plugging ZernubooCo!n or whatever "The Next Big Digital Currency That Will Overtake BitCoin" is. 
 
If you didn't get a chance to take the quiz last week, you can do so right here. Thanks to everyone who participated, and we'll see you next week!
________________________ 
 
Note: The Fark Headlines of the Week will be posted within the next few days. Keep an eye out!

________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________  
 
Hope everyone had a great holiday break.  Here in Kentucky we're back into the swing of things.  It's still several months before people take their Christmas lights down, the media cycle is running on all cylinders, and we've already had two "snow" days for intense cold which means at this rate school's probably getting out in July again this year.
 
Have you ever considered submitting a link to Fark?  On a regular day, I'm personally picking the taglines that go up on Fark up until beer o'clock, sometimes later than that.  We get a lot of great submissions, but we'd love to see more variety.
 
Here are a few tips to submitting links to Fark, some not-so-well documented and some undocumented.
I'm looking for pretty much anything newsworthy, but of particular interest are articles that are from small local news outlets that might otherwise get missed.  
 
As far as Fark is concerned, taglines > article content.  It is far more likely I'll greenlight an inspired tagline to a boring article than the other way around.  
 
I'm looking for good riffs on headlines, as opposed to a copypaste of the exact headline or a vanilla summary of the article.  
 
When I'm choosing links, I tend to avoid picking puns. Once in a blue moon there's a good one, though.    
 
To keep Fark admins from going insane with a flood of repeat submissions, the Fark Submit a Link thinger blocks duplicate link submissions - unless you've got a TotalFark account in which case it allows your submissions to bypass the block.  This rule was implemented years ago to reduce workload for me and other folks who pick links for Fark.  
 
If you work for a news organization: Fark does allow you to submit links from your own sites, however please keep the volume down to the 2-3 best per day.    
 
Our current submitters do a fantastic job - really, we couldn't do it without them!  We've got a couple topic holes in the rotation, though - in particular, we could use more submissions for Sports and Business. So if you have some good taglines for these tabs, your chances of a greenlight are greatly increased.
 
The easiest possible greenlight to get is submitting a Discussion topic.  The weirder the better.
 
Speaking of topic tags, during a Newsflash-worthy event, I'll usually wait at least 10-15 minutes after the first submission to see if anyone can submit a better tagline.  On TotalFark, when I do this live, you'll see me redlight the taglines that are out of consideration and leave the remaining taglines under consideration in the queue.  TotalFarkers can vote on taglines on TotalFark, and I'll keep an eye on those while I'm waiting.  If a particular Newsflash tag gets a ton of votes and I'm on the fence between 2-3 of them, I'll go with whichever one TotalFarkers vote for.
 
Next week: it's the One-Year anniversary of The Google Incident - an update.
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Michael Wolff - 731
Stable genius - 110
Gorilla Channel - 85
Sloppy Steve - 123
Bomb cyclone - 57
Bombogenesis - 13
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
The_Sponge enlisted the help of Rodney Dangerfield for a punchline
GRCooper found one sentence in an article to really identify with
Shrapnel showed us what a human Venn diagram might look like
Pocket Ninja explained why a mosque paid the fine of the man who vandalized them
FormlessOne knew what showing drug use on CNN will lead to
TheLopper had a solution for a restaurant owner who claims he makes less money than his employees
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That came through in a thread about a former adult film star
SuburbanCowboy reacted to news that a "Fixer Upper" star is pregnant
scottydoesntknow recognized what happened to an air base in Syria
nmrsnr felt betrayed when learning some frightening news
 
Smart:
ecmoRandomNumbers had advice for a struggling restaurant owner
Bith Set Me Up shared some words from Franklin D. Roosevelt about living wages
abhorrent1 discussed people's annoying dietary choices or requirements
Marcus Aurelius talked about the reasons police have for taking belongings of an innocent man they killed
Deece interpreted Paul Sorvino's threats against Harvey Weinstein
BizarreMan explained why a "solution" for a girl whose boyfriend demanded naked pictures would backfire
edmo had a theory on why CNN showed drug use during their New Year's Eve show
stan unusual thought that was counts as justification for police shootings has gotten out of hand
ecmoRandomNumbers had a theory about a restauranteur's wealth
Munden had an idea for why more people got marijana after it became legal for recreation
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny: impaler found out the truth about President Trump's nuclear button
Funny: Chris Ween had some bad news for Trump about his big button
Funny: Your Naught They're asked about an action that got another Farker fired
Funny: Don't make me pull this car over got up to some hijinks with a scale
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Last day
Smart: lovely_filth shared a story about the final few days with Dad
Funny: jaylectricity had an interesting last day as a pizza pro
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
Tax Boy reacted to news of a fire at the Clinton house
spooky.action came up with a new way to display a Trump tweet
Cortez the Killer shared Trump's real reaction to Michael Wolff's book
BizarreMan explained why Fark has had so many Golf Channel links lately
Walker noticed that it takes one to know one
 
Politics Smart:
Ambivalence pointed out something about Donald Trump's "stable genius" tweets
scottydoesntknow discussed Trump's reasons for running for president
shastacola reacted to Trump's "like, really smart" tweet
fusillade762 showed how Trump feels about peaceful protests
Ambivalence explained the plan behind most of Trump's tweets
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Surly U. Jest proved Earth is flat with some not-so-huge tracts of land
RedZoneTuba shared some bad news for the U.S. Navy
Surly U. Jest showed someone needing a little more privacy
Alligator revealed what Earth's rotation really looks like
RedZoneTuba found some former presidents going for a stroll
Alligator showed us kitty in a bad mood
Yammering_Splat_Vector tried to flatten the planet
RedZoneTuba discovered that a popular Beatles song was really about Paul
Snubnose found out why the Earth is flat
fisker stretched out the Rose Bowl
 
Farktography:
flondrix won Farktography Contest No. 661: "Mr. M" with a photo of Earth's little friend
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)   
 
We faced another difficult one again this week, as no one made it to the 1000 mark. On the plus side, that means people were getting work done, I guess.
 
In first place we have a tie between jaycharms and Dead Skin Mask, both with 931, followed by Minor Catastrophe with 921 and Oliver Twisted close behind in third with 920. In fourth was Ariesfish scoring 870, and in ye olde fifthe place we have LizardOnAStickwith 868.
 
The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over what brand of beer was available in Quebec in a 99-can holiday pack. Only 24% of quiztakers knew that Les Quebecois do have cheap American swill like Pabst available, although it's unclear if natives drink it or they just keep it around for hoser tourists. Also, it's my understanding they call it "Le Pabst" to comply with their bilingual requirements. 
 
The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about Twitter's new algorithm that detects if someone is tweeting about committing suicide, and flags the Tweet and automatically replies to it with contact information for a suicide prevention organization. 79% of quiztakers had heard about Twitter Japan's response to the mass murder in which the killer had targeted those contemplating suicide on social media. Now if only Twitter would set up some kind of algorithm for world leaders threatening nuclear war...
 
The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which movie contained a disclaimer regarding its depictions of smoking. Only 48% of quiztakers knew that a Winston Churchill biopic wouldn't be a Winston Churchill biopic without showing Winston Churchill chewing on or puffing away at a fat cigar, even when he's played by Commissioner Gordon. For some reason, the producers of "Darkest Hour," a movie featuring the horrors of war and the torment of leaders who must make the decision to send soldiers to their death, wanted to be sure we didn't come away from the movie thinking they were okay with people smoking cigars. I took it as the equivalent of sticking a message at the end of "Trainspotting" advising people to wash their hands after mucking about in a public toilet.
 
The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over what brought out the bomb squad to a Seattle ferry terminal. 87% of quiztakers knew that someone had left a gift-wrapped fruitcake beneath a decorative Christmas trees in the terminal  I'm guessing the police detonated it anyhow on general principle due to it being a fruitcake, but there is a nonzero chance it was regifted by a bomb technician to her great aunt Ethel who keeps asking when she's getting married.

 
Fark Headlines of the Year (brought to you by Blythe)
 
2017 FARK HEADLINE of the YEAR
 
And we'll save you a click - here are the links and the winners!
 
Thanks to everyone for voting for the Fark Headlines of the Year 2017!  We've had quite a journey, from the weekly curated Headlines of the Week, to the preliminary contests in December for all TotalFarkers to vote, and finally to the main page for *all* Farkers to vote and decide the ultimate winners.
 
Thank you to all submitters!  We love all our submissions!  We have so many favorites and we want to highlight so many great headlines.  Headline of the Week and Headline of the Year is our chance to recognize the headlines the rise to the top, but just spend a day on Fark to see hundreds of examples of equally Fark-worthy fun, funny, and creativity.
 
Here are the winners and runners-up for Fark's Headline of the Year contest for 2017!  Congratulations to all!
 
Feel free to look back at all the top headlines from this year in all the contests!
 
TotalFark-only viewing and voting preliminaries:
First half of the year Main page preliminary contests
Second half of the year Main page preliminary contests and half the tab preliminaries
All tabs preliminary contests
 
Main Page finals for *all* Farkers:
Main Page - best in show - overall Headline of the Year
Main Page Story headlines
Main Page Context headlines
Main Page Puns and Wordplay headlines
Main Page Politics headlines
Discussion Tab headlines
Business Tab headlines
Entertainment Tab headlines
Geek Tab headlines
Sports Tab headlines
Politics Tab headlines
 
2017 HEADLINE OF THE YEAR:
Man charged with robbing magazine salesman is looking at time, maybe even life
Submitter: wiredroach
 
Runner up:
North Korea threatens to nuke Australia. Australia threatens to mail them a box of local wildlife
Submitter: TommyDeuce
 
MAIN PAGE STORY HEADLINE OF THE YEAR:
After 60 years, Hamilton, Ontari -- CAR -- Hamilton, Ontario legalizes stre -- CAR -- legalizes street ho -- CAR -- After 60 years, Hamilton, Ontario legalizes street hockey a -- CAR -- AFTER 60 YEARS, HAMILTON, ONTARIO LEGALIZES STREET HOCKEY AGAIN
Submitter: GooberMcFly
 
Runner up:
Boy rescued from claw machine after firefighters spend 30 minutes and $20 trying to win him back
Submitter: rnatalie
 
MAIN PAGE CONTEXT HEADLINE OF THE YEAR:
An Oxford comma changed this court case completely. Come on people
Submitter: Biggs Farklighter
 
Runner up:
Falcons win popular vote
Submitter: bronyaur1
 
MAIN PAGE PUNS AND WORDPLAY HEADLINE OF THE YEAR:
Judge: "I understand your sexual partner cannot testify today because she's got laryngitis." Defendant: "No, your Honor, I said she's a little horse"
Submitter: phlegmmo
 
Runner up:
Man turns himself in for bestiality charges, because the evidence against him was mounting
Submitter:TheAbstractor
 
MAIN PAGE POLITICS on the main page HEADLINE OF THE YEAR:
North Korea threatens to nuke Australia. Australia threatens to mail them a box of local wildlife
Submitter: TommyDeuce
 
Runner up:
Those 700 jobs Trump "saved" at +++CARRIER LOST+++
Submitter: The English Major
 
DISCUSSION TAB HEADLINE OF THE YEAR:
Indjánafjöður from Reykjavik rescued by Þorvarðardóttir, just in time for kötturdag
Submitter: sherpa18
 
Runner up:
There are two types of people: Those that believe 'Die Hard' is a Christmas movie, and those that are wrong
Submitter: Badger
 
BUSINESS TAB HEADLINE OF THE YEAR:
Soylent introduces new flavors, which vary from person to person
Submitter: Learned Hand Job
 
Runner up:
If the meal that you eat has an eel for the meat, that's a moray
Submitter: phlegmmo
 
ENTERTAINMENT TAB HEADLINE OF THE YEAR:
Paris Hilton claims she could have been like Princess Diana if it weren't for sex tape. Which is understandable because Diana's life was also ruined by one night in Paris
Submitter: Optronami
 
Runner up:
Carrie Fisher has become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
Submitter: HawgWild
 
GEEK TAB HEADLINE OF THE YEAR:
Mass circumcision ceremony for pre-teen boys scheduled. Tip-off at 9:00am
Submitter: phlegmmo
 
Runner up:
NASA sending probe to center of solar system. The Sun is there
Submitter: Barry McCockner
 
SPORTS TAB HEADLINE OF THE YEAR:
NBC (commercial break) will (tragic backstory of athlete) broadcast (plug for NBC shows) the (history of host country) Olympics (talking over opening ceremonies) live (you already know what happened) next (edited, tape delayed events) year
Submitter: WyDave
 
Runner up:
You would think that Tiger Woods would know when to use a driver
Submitter: Johnny Rockets
 
POLITICS TAB HEADLINE OF THE YEAR:
In the midnight hour, Xi cried "Mao, Mao, Mao"
Submitter: The English Major
 
Runner up:
The Rockettes have been informed that they are obligated to perform for Trump, because nothing says President Trump like a group of women forced against their will to dance in his presence
Submitter: FortyHams

Okay, 2017 is over. Sure, 2018 might be a lot like 2017, but it definitely has more eights. And remember: Any car can be a flying car if you're brave enough.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week. Note: This does not mean they were the most-used words
 
Golf Channel - 52
Iran - 356
Deep State - 268
Happy New Year - 497
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funny:
bearded clamorer figured out why a guy chose a strange place to put his phone and money
bearded clamorer had a question about a man with a coin stuck in his butt
ZAZ figured out the source of a German Navy frigate's problems
foo monkey reacted to news that almost half of Puerto Rico still doesn't have electricity restored
PainInTheASP enlisted our help in finding a neo-Nazi fugitive in Ohio
freakingmoron had a sweet Christmas tradition with a girlfriend
wademh gave an example of religious groups creating new atheists
ralphjr showed Trump casting blame for a shortage of IV supplies
foo monkey was reminded of a traumatic experience
Mugato asked a medical question about people getting things stuck up their butts
 
Smart:
SpaceyCat thought that police should take precautions against killing innocent people
pkrzycki reacted to an article about drinks that bartenders don't want you to order
ecmoRandomNumbers shared a personal connection to a sad story
doglover reacted to police killing an innocent man
FormlessOne thought that a a police investigation is focused on the wrong thing
Weaver95 hoped for some racist trolls to have their racist feelings hurt
blastoh commented on how many Americans carry guns with them
Darth_Lukecash weighed freedom to own guns versus gun violence
maddermaxx pointed out that police should not be killing innocent people
sdd2000 gave examples of the free market version of civil rights
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny: Adjective Bird Whiskey figured out why a first sexual experience got low marks
Funny: Dr. Tuttle escalated the submitter's willingness to blow a guy for $500,000
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Odd Christmas traditions
Smart:Winterlight always has a special Christmas dinner
Funny: Rotcorp trolls the wife with some non-traditional head
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
Pocket Ninja explained why Donald Trump won't be in a room with people who mock him
I_Am_Weasel described exactly who Mike Huckabee is
ToastmasterGeneral shared a conversation between Trump and Angela Merkel
scottydoesntknow found someone interested in a hacker's "calling card"
King Something discussed Trump's obsession with size
 
Politics Smart:
pueblonative wondered about the U.S. limiting involvement in the U.N.
Ambivalence had a suggestion on dealing with Trump's feelings
Kubo found a message behind Trump taking credit for people saying "Merry Christmas"
FormlessOne knew why Trump's inauguration crowd seemed smaller than Obama's
NeedlesslyCanadian reviewed many of Roy Moore's run-ins with the law
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
#2 added more primates to a Christmas card
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed that Steven Seagal doesn't just eat carrots
Alligator showed this kid wasn't worried about his school project
Surly U. Jest translated the cover of Steven Seagal's book
wickedfish found a way for Farkers to participate in sports
Private_Citizen found expert advice from Steven Seagal
cowgirl toffee showed us a book that gives a little too much information
Glockenspiel Hero filled in the missing pieces of Mada'in Saleh
wickedfish needed a bigger can of bug spray
Colour_out_of_Space showed us a jerk on his book cover
 
Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 660: "Hit Me With Your Best Shot 2" ended in a tie between Elsinore and Elsinore . Awkward.
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
Beyond Fark 
 
We're sad to have lost Farker brightestfell. Many of you also knew her as Garnet Cat on Facebook and Twitter.  You can read brightestfell's memorial thread here.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week Year Update (brought to you by Blythe)
 
Here we are at the Final round of Fark's Headline of the Year.  It's been a lot of fun getting here.
 
First we have the Headlines of the Week, each week, every week, all year long.  Then we have Preliminary Headline of the Year contests in TotalFark all December - breaking out four categories of Main page headlines: Wordplay and Puns, Context, Politics on the main page, and Story.  Then we have Finals for all Farkers to vote for the top headlines in each category.  Those winners of the Main page categories are part of this last contest and will be officially reported next week!
 
And now we have one more step.  In previous years the Headline of the Year came from the category that this year we labeled "Story" headlines.  This year we had so many great headlines in all four categories (Wordplay and Puns, Context, Politics on the main page, and Story) that we didn't think it was right that only the Story headlines got considered for Headline of the Year.  So we added one final voting round.  We've taken the top headlines from each for the Headline of the Year - a kind of "Best in Show" for the Main page - regardless of the category.
 
Voting will remain open until Monday January 8, 2018 at 1 p.m. Eastern Time for THE Fark Headline of the Year!
 
(Tab preliminaries finished in TotalFark yesterday and are being tabulated as we write!  Final voting for all Farkers for the Tab contests starts tomorrow and will also run until Monday!)