________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Thanks to all the TotalFarkers who dropped by Office Hours on Friday to take a look at Fark's ad unit.  Sounds like we're good to go. BareFark subscribers will not see the ad, so if you'd like to remain blissfully unaware that we're launching an ad unit that will jump off your screen and follow you around for the rest of the day, sign up and you'll never see it.  I'm kidding the ad won't actually jump off your screen. Offer not valid in Denver or Oakland.

This week's Fark and Schnitt Podcast dropped this morning.  Todd and I go over the ingenious funeral for an Irish prankster, how everything at Panera probably comes in a bag, and why you will NOT be pulling $50 THC edibles out of your kids' Halloween bags this year.  Offer not valid in Denver or Oakland. Also, all about the guy who left bad Yelp reviews for local farmers who wouldn't let him have relations with their livestock.
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
TylerParry gave reason to doubt that a man was murdered because he testified against a police officer
jayfurr found part of a comment to report to moderators
MrKevvy spotted evidence that a bicyclist invented a fake news story
Vorpal vehemently disagreed with another Farker
Martian_Astronomer asked a question for people who have been gaslit
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That mourned Rip Taylor
FirstNationalBastard still engages in youthful activities
SBinRR expressed just how suspicious a man's death was
Trocadero wanted to hang out with a cartoon character
DecemberNitro asked a question we've all asked at one time or another

Smart:
TorpedoOrca took back a reaction to a prediction another Farker made regarding a witness
neongoats gave a reason for why it might make sense to kill a witness after the trial's already over
Znuh seems to have been a child who was often worried about the possibility of a grave event
veale728 took a guess at what caused Google to contact police to report suspicious activity
Ishkur discussed the kind of internet activities that attract young people, and then things got dark
Next week's Tom Sawyer had an idea of which part of a witness's testimony in Amber Guyger's trial had the most impact
Rapmaster2000 had to side with the vegan on this one
shut_it_down's login checked out when discussing what a business should do when someone writes a false negative review
beezeltown demonstrated how ridiculous one common Halloween fear actually is
The Pope of Manwich Village shared something that many men don't know is often true about public restrooms

CSB Sunday Morning: That thing that got confiscated
Smart: Unobtanium shared stories about mom confiscating TV privileges, and confiscating mom's Pavlovian tool
Funny: The Pope of Manwich Village was almost The Pope of Chili Village

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: merrillvillain had a simple way to get a dog from Houston to San Francisco
Funny: Streetwise Hercules appreciated one particular aspect of an instructional meat hole video
Funny: Shakespeare's Monkey read that the submitter has black leather couches, and I'm sure you know what's posted here
Funny: Al_Ed knew the only thing that would happen if a thread submitter's ridiculous fantasy came true
Funny: Rev.K shared the perfect pickup line
Smart: meg12279 gave important advice for men approaching women in social settings

Politics Funny:
Precious Roy's Horse Dividers knew how Donald Trump got more ammunition for the U.S. military
Marcus Aurelius pointed out Trump's tiny slip-up in regards to his interactions with the Ukrainian government
Gubbo figured out what the second whisteblower had to say about Trump's dealing with Ukraine
gopher321 alerted us to something frightening for Trump
Precious Roy's Horse Dividers changed some lyrics in honor of a video Trump tweeted using a Queen song

Politics Smart:
mrshowrules speculated on how Trump would deal with Osama bin Laden if he were still alive
The Pope of Manwich Village had a very common reaction to one of Trump's self-aggrandizing tweets
meanmutton made an observation about Blue Lives Matter
pkjun argued that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez served an important function with a proposal regarding welfare benefits
Jack Sabbath pointed the finger right back at Trump


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking showed that Sigourney Weaver can fight more than just aliens
RedZoneTuba found members of the Chinese People's Liberation Army in a strange location
noazark heard you like 3D, dog
Stantz created a very confused helicopter (heli...co...soma?)
Iggie's entry in this contest looks so natural that it's hard to see what's changed without looking at the Original
RedZoneTuba put a much better dancer on stage
Alligator roasted an artist's work
Cork on Fork discovered a major case of a reptile dysfunction
RedZoneTuba decided to show a septuagenarian in her underwear
hail2daking proved that this old car really sucks

Captions:
Grumpy Cat captioned a scene from a bicycle shop
RedZoneTuba suggested an advertisement that explains why a child deserves healthier cereal than the other kids get

Farktography:
gregscott won Farktography Contest No. 753: "Exotic" with this inchworm and its greater fringed blue gentian

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz, where we determined that sometimes engineers likely do have to work on the cars they design. On the Quiz itself, hunh came out on top with 970, followed by cretinbob,  DrunkenGator, and coscausticevil in a three-way tie for second with 924. Twonk made third with 920, BigChad takes fourth with 910, and Redh8t finishes out the top five with 904.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over fashion retailer Bonobos and what major retailer had driven it to layoffs only two years after purchasing it for $300 million. Only 24% of quiztakers knew that this was Walmart's ploy to get into the hip new casual online shopping experience that kids today are looking for. Unfortunately, it just didn't seem to mesh with their usual line of cheap Chinese-made patterns and Duck Dynasty wear. Who knew that slapping a Walmart label on something would make it less appealing outside the Southeastern US?

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over the Libra Association and how it's collapsing faster than that penny cryptocurrency pumped by your least favorite social media influencer. 78% of quiztakers knew that Facebook no longer had any kind of payment processor for their foray into the world of digital dollars. You've got to know something's up with this scheme when payment processors don't want to be a part of "give me money in exchange for this really long number".

One other note - 51% of quiztakers got the question about Hanson correct. I don't have a joke for that, just wanted to point it out.

The Easy Quiz this week was Extra Easy. The hardest question was over what scientists said had caused the 2,200-mile-wide black spot on the surface of Jupiter. 58% of quiztakers knew that it was a solar eclipse - Jupiter's moon Io was blocking the sunlight and casting a shadow. Astronomers say that these are actually very common on Jupiter, but we just haven't seen it much before because we've never been quite as close as we are now with the Juno spacecraft.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was which Eric Clapton-fronted band featured Ginger Baker on drums. 89% of quiztakers knew that it was Cream he lent his talents to, before other groups like Blind Faith and eventually even Ringo Starr and his All-Starr Band. For the record, "Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs" did eventually make Platinum, several years after its initial release.

If you missed the Quiz, you can catch up on the Fark Weird News Quiz here.

Congratulations to the winners, and we'll do it all again next week.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

In this week's Fark and Schnitt Podcast, Halloween month continues with Wrinkles the Clown scaring your kids straight, exploding crematoriums, and that one time Drew and Dallan accidentally set Dallan's back yard on fire.  Good wholesome fun for all.  




Also on office hours later this week, probably Friday, we're going to revisit the new ad unit we introduced a couple weeks ago.  It's changed slightly and I want to make sure everyone still thinks it's OK to use. If you'd like to see it and weigh in, join TotalFark by this Friday! 
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
little big man revealed what happened at O'Hare International Airport as the area was being paved
optikeye predicted an airport worker's reward for stopping an out-of-control catering truck
edmo figured that a job applicant was likely guilty of other inappropriateness
Polezni Durak allayed any concerns one might have about the new Glenlivet capsules
TylerParry reacted to Amber Guyger's conviction
Old Man Winter explained a snow storm expected to hit the northern Rockies
Calypsocookie applauded a cat's accomplishments
Wyalt Derp gave an early review of the new Glenlivet Capsule Collection
dailygrinds witnessed a churchgoer speaking in tongues
UncleDirtNap recognized where a teen got part of his look (the photo in the article has since been cropped, but it originally included a Goldfish crackers carton)

Smart:
Pocket Ninja wanted to see what would have have happened if a shooting had gone differently
phenn gave a reason to believe that someone who was found guilty might receive a light sentence
styckx figured that a situation would've gotten a lot worse if a hero hadn't arrived just in time
keiverarrow considered the potential consequences of allowing a jury to consider castle doctrine in Amber Guyger's trial
hubiestubert had advice for people complaining that they're not allowed to be funny anymore
Russ1642 thought that some guilty verdicts might result in a change in police training
Kuta noticed something about police officers who are prosecuted
weddingsinger gave more examples of comedies that manage to be funny without punching down
Darth_Lukecash pointed out a mistake that bad comedians often make
GooberMcFly told about personal experience with vaping

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
Dakai shared a great story about thanking local firefighters for being there when they were needed


CSB Sunday Morning: Being locked in or locked out
Smart: Adolf Oliver Nipples shared a story about experiencing literal torture
Funny: Chimpy McSquirrel's mom locked herself out of her car
Be sure to check out the other stories in the thread, there are a lot of good ones!

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: JerseyTim knew why someone's pothead sister-in-law is becoming a nun
Funny: EggFool figured out who a TotalFarker saw running out of the woods to poop on a neighbor's lawn
Funny: JerseyTim revealed a change that a presidential candidate has made
Smart: Badafuco shared a beautiful view
Funny: meg12279 told a story about going to a bar with sibling

Politics Funny:
mrshowrules warned us about powerful conservative groups
Mike_LowELL wanted to meet up after school
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat thought Donald Trump broke a rule
naughtyrev celebrated Trump's tweet
spongeboob learned something when a former U.S. Marine claimed to have had an affair with Elizabeth Warren

Politics Smart:
mainsail reacted to the idea that impeaching Trump could start a civil war
FlashHarry analyzed Nancy Pelosi's strategy
SurfaceTension agreed with one of President Trump's suggestions
spaztic lv6 cleric stated an opinion about the American Civil War
blender61 guessed correctly


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Kick The Chair demonstrated what happens when a game of Pong gets out of hand
RedZoneTuba showed two squirrels playing basketball
Yammering_Splat_Vector blamed the kids for everything
RedZoneTuba found more mustaches to celebrate
Fiction Fan made a children's book into a lot less of a guilt trip
Circusdog320 played a very dangerous game
Fiction Fan wrote a book to keep in the bathroom
Alligator caught some kids whose parents don't know that some games aren't for kids
Fiction Fan proved that purple crayons will only take you so far
Circusdog320 wrote a book to welcome people to their 50s

Farktography:
Circusdog320 won Farktography Contest No. 752: "Leaf it Alone" with a red-orange leaf glamour shot

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Yet another fun time on the quiz, with little sympathy for my plight involving looking at the wrong eBay listing. On the quiz itself, FrancoFile takes top honors with 943, followed by BKITU in second with 920 and Denjiro in third with 910. TheMothership takes fourth with 906, and the Mole of Production finishes out the top five with 897.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over where the old recordings of John Coltrane were located that became the just-released album "Blue World". Only 28% of quiztakers knew that the recordings were originally done for the French language film Le chat dans le sac, which was kind of what passes for a romantic comedy in French. Coltrane recorded some of his standards for the film, and the recordings (along with an original print of the film), being a Canadian product, were placed in the archives of the National Film Board.in Montreal. After the usual "rights" issue where all the people involved and their heirs dicker about for who's going to make the most money off of it, we have a new Coltrane album.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about which state has become the first to let student-athletes at universities get paid for the use of their image, likeness, and name. 87% of quiztakers knew that beginning in 2023, California athletes will have this option. IMHO this is a good thing for college sports, as players won't be quite as tempted to drop out of college and go pro in order to support their families. I can't wait to hear the whining about the assigned stats in licensed video games, though.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which multinational conglomerate has acquired CTRL Labs and their wristbands that let you control things with "your mind" (actually tiny muscle movements - kind of like how thumbs work). Only 37% of quiztakers knew that with all the antitrust investigations surrounding Facebook, they still thought it was a good idea to branch out even farther and get rid of even more on-hand cash. When you think about it, a company that started out as a website to meet women finally saw that there was some value in wrist movements for their users who failed to do so.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over where Petuluma, CA police spent two hours looking for a stalking suspect. 90% of quiztakers knew that the suspect lost himself in a corn maze. I'm mean, aside from the obvious "stalking" pun, there's also the cops playing it by ear and not flaking out, and finally popping the perp without assault or buttery. But enough corny jokes.

If you missed the quiz this week (and my story about Channing's Potatums), you can catch up on it here.

Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again next week!

Now that it's October, you need to hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband, because they're puttin' pumpkin spice on everything out here. Personally, I do not like pumpkin spice. In fact, I thought I didn't like pumpkin for most of my life, and only recently found out that I like pumpkin just fine, as long as there's none of that "pumpkin spice" on it. Similarly, I thought I hated yams until I finally had some without brown sugar and marshmallows on them. We're ruining perfectly good gourds and tubers every autumn! But you know what? I don't mind if you enjoy these things. I've had people eat them in front of me and go, "Mmmmm, this is soooo goooood" as if to mock me, but I'm happy to watch you eat all the pumpkin spice and candied yams you want, as long as you don't pin me down, hold my nose, shove the offending foods into my mouth and hold my face closed until I swallow them. 

Be right back - have to go apologize to some dogs and cats I've cared for. 

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

In this week's Fark and Schnitt Podcast, Halloween starts early.  Come for a discussion about saving family members' skulls which leads to a brief Fark history of abuse of a corpse laws, stay for the guy "smuggling bananas," if you know what I mean, wink wink.  Added bonus: flamethrowing drones
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
King of Monkeys showed us who was annoyed by some little boys playing with a garbage can
Ecobuckeye explained why Americans will usually drive even when they're going less than a mile
Barfmaker had evidence that parents are telling the truth about their adoptive daughter being an adult in disguise
Dimensio knew what a guy whose resume said he had a "G.E.D. in biochemistry" would do after an H.R. worker mocked him online
KC Dutchman noticed that a runway model's saucy walk looked familiar
Calypsocookie gave a creepy boy encouragement to finish his can o' beans
Prank Call of Cthulhu warned about how destructive a tropical storm could be
Diogenes played an interesting variation of the game Marry, Fark, Kill
tmyk recognized the strange creature in a corn flakes ad
I8B4U noticed something about a Farker who endorsed a device that enables females to urinate while standing (presumably without making a mess)

Smart:
FirstNationalBastard saw that a rumor about Disney's relationship with Brie Larson had questionable origins
BizarreMan had a different idea of what "the essence of being male" is
Benevolent Misanthrope pointed out something about most guys who send unsolicited WIE
HedlessChickn looked into the source behind some articles
grumpfuff "actually knew [George] Carlin"
Bathia_Mapes shared some information about a vintage advertisement urging parents to give cola to their babies
Carter Pewterschmidt summed up the sort of thinking that goes into which movies get made
SoupGuru demonstrated political correctness run amok!
Rapmaster2000 explained why the security of some of your "smart" items might be subpar
Hey Nurse! had an experience similar to the one where the cop mistook someone else's apartment for her own and shot and killed the man who lived there

Honorable Mention:
Normally comments that are mostly copied and pasted from other sites are not included in the Fark NotNewsletter since, you know, the Fark NotNewsletter is meant to highlight Fark, but  RoyFokker'sGhost shared this wonderfully-written piece by author Steven Barnes that examines the complaint that "'PC Culture' has ruined comedy," and it's worth reading if you haven't seen it already.

Also of note:
Check out the Fark Sunday Morning Music Club to check out some examples of perfect albums

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Badafuco shared some important information about preparing for Tropical Storm Karen
Smart: KangTheMad commented on Apple deleting purchased content from your library
Smart: NikkiPoooo discussed the "female version of incel"
Funny: The Pope of Manwich Village reacted to news that a Farker witnessed a friend losing some fingers in an accident
Smart: CommieTaoist responded to a Farker whose spouse's employer called most of the employees to come in
Funny: farkingismybusiness knew why a doctor could not properly diagnose a problem with a Farker's knee
Smart & Funny: merrillvillain described book clubs
Smart: rosekolodny had a rule for partners who hire escorts
Funny: Old Man Winter shared a story about cheating partners

Politics Funny:
bobtheme explained why the impeachment inquiry is a good thing
bobtheme took a guess at who the whistleblower might be
hobnail knew who markie_farkie was channeling in a comment about Donald Trump's phone call with Volodymyr Zelensky
FortyHams was proud of a Trump photo caption
oldfarthenry let us know what Attorney General Bill Barr has been thinking about lately

Politics Smart:
markie_farkie reacted to a report that many Republican senators would vote differently if their votes weren't public
Gubbo shared something you'd think everyone would know about trying to "recall" an email, but they don't
Brosephus gave reasons to feel that impeaching Trump is unlikely
null is trying to do something about Trump's actions as president
lolmao500 figured that an email proved that many people could be charged under the RICO Act


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Alligator assembled the only catalog Farkers will ever need
Yammering_Splat_Vector provided the accessories this cat's ensemble definitely needed
RedZoneTuba went shopping for some dungeon accouterments
hail2daking had some products for young adults
Circusdog320 just phoned it in
hail2daking found a long-lost Butabi brother
RedZoneTuba made a catalog for powerful people and their families
Iggie reminded us to always knock before opening the bathroom door
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us a bird that doesn't have to be early to get all the worms it demands
Cork on Fork showed a cat standing up for its principles

Captions:
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat advised a Farker on how to prepare for a visit to the "butt doctor"

Farktography:
SoCalChris won Farktography Contest No. 751: "Software Hootenanny 9" with some space creatures passing in front of the sun

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the quiz, even though I think I set a record for typos. And I'm no longer welcome at Starbucks after trying to pay with non-Ethiopian sheepskin. On the quiz itself, Denjiro came out on top with 972, followed by ZAZ in second with 946 and Texa$ in third with 937. jaycharms made fourth with 933, and Evildog finishes out the top five with 931.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over where cellist Yo Yo Ma played a short recital while wearing a hard hat. Only 34% of quiztakers knew that he descended deep into the bowels of the largest machine ever made by human hands, and gave a reportedly moving rendition of the Prelude from Bach's Cello Suite No. 6 some 100 meters underground in the Large Hadron Collider. And yes, hard hats are mandatory there, even though no one is quite sure just how much that's going to protect you from 100 meters of solid rock, much less the transdimensional portals and stuff they open there. Quick note: the Notre Dame Cathedral still remains closed after the fire earlier this year.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which company mostly known for video games just celebrated its 130th birthday. 74% of quiztakers knew that Japan 1889 was a hot time for playing card games, and Nintendo quickly became popular for their hanafuda decks. Although they played around with side businesses like taxi services and love hotels (yes, those are exactly what you think), they still haven't forgotten their roots in playing cards - think Pokémon.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which alumni of the 1979 film Alien worked with Blondie singer Deborah Harry on her first solo work. 49% of quiztakers recalled that Alien did in fact win an Oscar - but it was for Best Visual Effects, which meant it went to horror artist H. R. Giger and not director Ridley Scott  After doing Harry's body paint for her video, Giger hung around to watch it being filmed - and then when the director didn't show, wound up directing himself. (Side note: Although nominated 4 times, Sir Ridley Scott still has not won an Oscar).

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which movie had enough online chatter to prompt top brass to issue a warning to US military servicemembers about the possibility of a mass shooting. 85% of quiztakers knew the concerns were over "Joker". Probably because no one really plans to see "Last Blood", as even the creator of the Rambo character has expressed disappointment in later features.

If you missed out on the Quiz, you can catch up on it here.

Congratulations to the winners, and we'll do it again next week when I'll have a nice story about putting together this week's quiz,

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Happy Tuesday, everyone!

Work on the Fark and Schnitt Podcast continues - we recorded a fresh episode last night.  Todd powered through a colonoscopy and a 16-hour day while I laid out my plans for the weekend now that Kentucky's speed limits have been declared unconstitutional.  Also, we added late update on the camel ball biting fiasco down in Fathead Louisiana for good measure.  I'm going to post a TotalFark discussion link later today to help us improve the podcast format, so if you've got any suggestions, pop on in - including topics, or, for that matter, suggest a Farker we should interview.  And if you're not on TotalFark, sign on up and join us!

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
calbert let us know what happened to Ric Ocasek
geduld answered gopher321's question about people who clap when the plane they're in lands
The Pope of Manwich Village needed help attending Ric Ocasek's memorial service
Parthenogenetic debated remaking the movie "The Princess Bride"
EdwardTellerhands explained why a man was shot in the neck with a flare gun in a road rage incident
Farxist Marxist was excited to have something in common with an Instagram model
Harry Freakstorm let us know what "panicing" means
Diogenes begrudgingly admired some latte foam art
scottydoesntknow knew how the Storm Area 51 event was going
Feel_the_velvet explained why it was okay for one driver to shoot another with a flare gun

Smart:
Straight Outta Wells Branch had a suggestion for another aspect the #MeToo movement should address
swaniefrmreddeer perfectly described a sad-looking lunch that was served to students at a Minnesota high school
Gawdzila gave reason for believing cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome is real
Boo_Guy pointed out that a judge knew that police are likely to kill an innocent person because a stranger said they're dangerous
Feel_the_velvet demonstrated the sophisticated way in which apps get you to share your personal data
Opacity shared driving advice that should be obvious, but doesn't seem to be
FortyHams basically wrote Rob Schneider's resume for him
iToad figured the U.S. keeps strategic oil reserves to keep one particular group mobile
G-Ride (user name checks out?) advised Farkers on how to slow your car down without affecting traffic
jtown pointed out the irony in a flight attendant doing something creepy, then finding a normal behavior suspicious

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: Uberchief replied to someone asking if it's OK to get matching father and son Pokemon tattoos with a 16-year-old
Funny: CommieTaoist showed why a submission about calling in sick for a video game needed to be reported
Smart: BadReligion gave some legal advice about job training
Funny: KangTheMad was well prepared for a name game
Funny: farkingismybusiness had the best idea for a meal that can be prepared in 30 minutes
Funny: Ass_Master_Flash helpfully captioned a baby opossum that got into generalDisdain's house (don't worry, it's not dead)
Funny: unremarkable asterisk turned a New York Times bathroom illustration into a party
Smart: Drew addressed a valid complaint about not sharing kitty photos
Smart: EggFool gave advice on what to do when you know a lot more than your boss does

Politics Funny:
Ivo Shandor had an idea of what will happen to a general who pointed out that Donald Trump should stop talking about something
floor's user name didn't check out when compared to a rejection Milo Yiannopoulos received
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That had something for Trump's supposed incontinence
Olympic Trolling Judge figured out what could cause the U.S. military to run short on ammunition
Pocket Ninja came up with a plan for fighting all future wars

Politics Smart:
Eclectic addressed a woman's concerns about accepting her child being transgender
Stopheles thought that Trump might be doing energy independence wrong
Shostie figured the U.S. government will be getting a refund
TomTudbury pointed out something Trump had planned that made one of his lies about Ilhan Omar especially ridiculous
capt.snicklefritz shared a personal example of the low prescription drug prices that Trump bragged about


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel discovered what a couple of Trump University graduates are up to
Alligator showed us what a truly supportive parent looks like
Cork on Fork designed a shirt for the very best university ever
RedZoneTuba did not win the popular vote in this Photoshop thread
Circusdog320 demonstrated a simple object that could have saved the Titanic
hail2daking made a shirt for the ultimate safety school
Yammering_Splat_Vector revealed what's hiding in these trees
Iggie designed shirts for two colleges
Iggie exposed the hidden night sky
Yammering_Splat_Vector made the cutest insect you'll ever see

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 750: "Bird's the Word 2" ended in a tie between common sense is an oxymoron's great blue heron coming in for a great blue landing and geom_00's freeloading osprey having lunch at Disneyland

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

This week's quiz is up, so bring some jerky and test your knowledge of another week in weird news!

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Todd and I recorded the second beta podcast of Fark & Schnitt last night, it dropped at 5 a.m. Eastern this morning.  New episode can be found here for Apple folks, should show up on the other platforms later this morning.  It contains a really surprising/strange followup to last week's lawyer prostitute story that almost requires a Venn diagram to sort out what actually happened.  That plus strange things people have tried to file trademarks on other than "Taco Tuesday," and Antonio Brown once "had a lot of fiber" during a doctor visit. Good times.
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
special20 thought that an Instagram "travel influencer" resembled a certain celebrity
Wyalt Derp figured a boy who'd been teased about a shirt he decorated himself now had a good comeback
Pocket Ninja explained why Felicity Huffman's sentence is perfectly appropriate
AdmirableSnackbar commented on an accusation against Antonio Brown
starsrift was offended by a teacher's choice of words
Monkeyfark Ridiculous replied to teasing from a TotalFarker
Abe Vigoda's Ghost enhanced an asstastic photo
Dead for Tax Reasons recognized the style of a smoking man who was mistakenly thought to be a child
whither_apophis defended the Sackler Family and their role in the opioid crisis
markie_farkie had a question about Eddie Money's death

Smart:
MrSplifferton gave an example of the unfairness of school dress codes
RyansPrivates discussed some of the problems with bullying people over their weight
winedrinkingman had a theory about why houses in America are so big
endosymbiont shared some trivia about Calvin and Hobbes author Bill Watterson
backhand.slap.of.reason had a thought about the writer of The Far Side
edmo shared some first-hand observations about U.S. factory workers
raerae1980 discussed archaeological methods for determining sex from skeletal remains
centrifugal bumblepuppy brought up Gary Larson's great contribution to science
Dryad did the math on how much gas can come out of a deuce and a half
shut_it_down explained what's wrong with "punching down"

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
czei shared important information about homelessness and mental illness

CSB Sunday Morning: At the library
Smart: TheLastFrontiersman shared a story about not being old enough to check out a Michael Crichton book
Funny: redsquid did not appreciate a judgmental coworker's intentional unhelpfulness at the reference desk

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Murflette's typo led to regret and a hasty correction
Funny: Murflette wrote a poem about Literally Addicted's electrical power being out
Funny: croesius gave some helpful advice about storing an itch relief product
Funny: Chris Ween criticized a wiener dog's outfit
Smart: hobnail had a plan in case a mean genie shows up to inflict a very specific curse
Funny: Eclectic remembered what people used to do when they wanted to relax in a fizzy bath

Politics Funny:
phlegmjay explained exactly what Donald Trump means when he calls himself a "very stable genius"
itsdan was a stickler for proper terminology when discussing second amendment rights
Ivo Shandor had a solution for Bahamian evacuees who have been turned away because they lack U.S. visas
SpecialSnowFlake worried about innocent people affected by Sarah and Todd Palin's divorce
Subtonic figured out How Trump got a 38% approval rating

Politics Smart:
Cyberluddite listed reasons to believe that Trump really did write one of Mike Pence's tweets
stan unusual thought of one way in which allowing presidents to run for third terms could backfire on Trump
eurotrader had a theory on why Fox News is so nice to Marianne Williamson
RaptorLC pointed out something unusual about John Bolton's resignation
NeoCortex42 thought that Democratic lawmakers are too gullible


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Stephen_Falken got ready to play Farkemon
Iggie gave an Ewok a facelift
RedZoneTuba made a game about a prehistoric Farker
Snubnose showed a baby rhinoceros leaving the nest
Unscratchable_Itch played a game of bruised egos
Yammering_Splat_Vector took Photoshopping to a whole new platform
verchad spotted the toughest horse in the race
hail2daking demonstrated the easiest way to get a new mattress for upstairs
RedZoneTuba distracted a baby turtle when it should have been heading to the sea
Alligator showed shirtless Putin riding yet another animal
hail2daking proved that this gym is open to all body types

Farktography:
FuLinHyu won Farktography Contest No. 749: "P's & Q's" with a gorgeous specimen of masculine beauty

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

We had more fun than a leaky pipe on the Quiz this week, and the renovations are done just in time to reopen the 1000 club. afghanwhiggle is our first customer as he takes home top honors with 1016, followed by scrumpox in second with 996 and eagles95 in third with 942. Bear151556 makes fourth with 937, and Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel finishes out the top five with 932.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over the newly opened Superbia Credit Union. Only 30% of quiztakers knew that the new bank is opening in Michigan specifically to serve the LGBT+ community, with loans and banking programs geared towards circumstances straight people don't often find themselves in. It's a wide open market that many banks haven't even considered yet, so it's a great thing for a bank to open specifically for the market.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over why an Alabama high school had removed the stall doors from many bathrooms. 94% of quiztakers knew that it was vaping the administration was trying to prevent, because stall doors are important to the nicotine levels or something. I'm willing to bet they're all vaping now behind the school where the janitor left the stall doors he took down.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over what to buy at a French boulangerie. I thought it was cigarettes, berets, and mime paint, but it turns out that it's a bread bakery. 53% of quiztakers knew you could pick up a baguette there, or maybe a croissant or Le pain aux figues or maybe some of those Olive Garden breadsticks. 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over who parents are really going to see when they tell their kids they're going to an "Unusual Commoners" show. 80% of quiztakers knew that this is the name used by The Wiggles when they perform their more adult-oriented material in pubs rather than libraries. I'm sure parents also find it a bit less embarrassing to tell their single co-workers at the water cooler the next morning. "I went to see The Wiggles" probably means something dirty in Australia anyhow. 

If you missed the quiz, you can catch up on it here.

Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing the same thing again next week!

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hope everyone's weekend went well.  Got a few items of note:

Fark's been having database issues as of late related to our migration into The Cloud.  Mike's working on it. Stiff upper lip, everyone. Apparently the problems stem from us not sacrificing the Fark Rubber Chicken to the God of 502 Errors, who you may remember from last season's "American Gods" premiere.  Personally, I'm hoping to see several 418 errors in the near future. At any rate, Mike's on it, thanks for your patience. If you have further frustrations, don't yell at him, yell at me - and I'll pretend to take it as sage advice.  Or we could just troll each other. Let me know what works.    

The Fark & Schnitt Podcast launched yesterday.  Last week I said we'd be running a beta for a few weeks for TotalFark only, turns out that the Powers That Be still retain 20th century conventional wisdom that big launches with little preparation is the way to go.  My apologies there. On the plus side, we cut the first episode the other night and I think it went very well. Todd's getting used to having a second person in the room and I'm just winging it as usual, but we did figure out a lot of stuff.  In particular, I got to recount the story of how Google accidentally shut Fark's ads off for several weeks due to mistakenly identifying a photo as badly out of compliance with their content requirements in a way that I can't put in an email without risking content filters deleting it (it wasn't). Also, you'll get to hear the story of how I stumbled into Jerry Bruckheimer's Man Cave of Film Memorabilia in Bloomfield, Kentucky by complete accident when I was on a bike ride last year.  I'm expecting we'll improve with each week's episode, and if for some reason we stall out, I'll start drinking during the recordings instead of after. That should fix it. 

First episode available here: "Wait the Lawyer is a Prostitute?": A real-life sex worker/lawyer, $120,000 bank mistake, and a guy dies after he's erroneously accused of a heinous crime by an employee of a major U.S. retailer.

On the TotalFark side of things - we've got a couple of interesting new ad units that I need to run by TotalFarkers first.  One involves quizzes, the other might involve methed-up Alabama squirrels. Want to know more and give input/advice?  Sign up for TotalFark, I'll be posting a thread to get your input later this week, probably Friday since it could double as office hours and I haven't done one of those in awhile either.  Too much travel lately. First world problems etc. Anyhow if everyone hates the new ad units I'll spike them, so get on TotalFark and let me know.  I think they're OK personally, but I want to check with you first.  

Alright that's it - as you were.  Enjoy the week!

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
gerbilpox knew how someone was able to upload a YouTube video during a hurricane
potierrh obeyed a command
FortyHams found someone who approves of a Farker's method of getting intoxicated
TomTudbury shared what a cow said about her ordeal
BizarreMan knew what could cause people to riot in the middle of a hurricane
Flappyhead had proof that people with tattoos are reckless and impulsive
Petit_Merdeux isn't here to judge
WeatherNerd showed us a purricane
Diogenes had a backup plan when alcohol sales shut down for Dorian
bearded clamorer supported the idea of keeping your eyes down during yoga

Smart:
Magorn was not buying someone's reason for apologizing
NeedlesslyCanadian suggested a bunch of alternatives to Joker
markie_farkie had some thoughts on why a house was doing so well against Hurricane Dorian
Clarence Brown discussed the origins for some of the mistaken beliefs about what's in the Bible
FirstNationalBastard felt vindicated for buying DVDs and Blu-rays
grokca explained why it's okay that a huge yacht has been blocking the Statue of Liberty
nekom knew why it wasn't a big deal that alcohol sales were suspended as Dorian approached
BadReligion found a good reason to believe a Target employee lied about seeing illegal material on a man's phone
padraig explained why an interracial couple called attention to a business that denied them service
Magorn shared a part of the Bible that contradicts what a business owner thought it said about race

CSB Sunday Morning: And now I'm a loyal customer - Note: This is another great one to read if you need something to help you feel good about people. 
Smart: gordian's grandmother was visited by an angel with raptors
Funny: stvdallas had a hard time trying to get an engine replaced

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: merrillvillain showed an entirely different level of on-the-job accident
Smart: Eclectic noticed that men tend to drastically change their attitudes when it comes to their own butts
Funny: merrillvillain tried to make a controversial term happen
Funny: Earthworm Jim Jones had advice for when you feel like you have water in your ear
Funny: Brawndo explained how to restart a server

Politics Funny:
impaler discovered that yet another state was in danger of being hit by Hurricane Dorian
scottydoesntknow explained why Ivanka Trump's sleeves were sticking up in big circles
arrogantbastich thought Ivanka's dress was experiencing emotions
FortyHams figured out how to get money from Congressman Dan Crenshaw
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That showed what Trump stuck in a Sharpiegate feedback loop might look like

Politics Smart:
pkjun explained Dinesh D'Souza's M.O.
bloobeary cleared up a confusing part of the timeline of Trump claiming Hurricane Dorian was expected to hit Alabama
aimtastic had a theory on why Trump thought the hurricane would hit Alabama
Asa Phelps listed main sources of environmental contaminants
Asa Phelps wondered why politicians are focused on a certain group of people


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Cork on Fork found a replacement for Trump Vodka
Driver got ready to do some drunk fighting
hail2daking found a good hunting spot
hail2daking stocked up for Hurricane Dorian
Cork on Fork commemorated a very bad day for Abraham Lincoln
hail2daking erected and defaced a Trump statue
hail2daking discovered that one flavor of Absolut Vodka isn't what you'd think
Mojongo gave the "Straight Pride" flag a little twist
zeon played a game of Deer Kong
zeon brought Grandpa closer to the objects of his wrath
RedZoneTuba exposed a top-secret World War II submarine

Farktography:
Circusdog320 won Farktography Contest No. 748: "This Contest Theme is Under Construction" with an awesome photo of this new home builder

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

The latest Fark Weird News Quiz is up and ready for quizzing here, so go give it a shot instead of getting back to work!

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Happy short week, everyone!  

New project announcement: tl;dr new podcast, beta episodes available on TotalFark starting next week.  

A few months ago, my friend Todd Schnitt hit me up about doing a joint podcast.  Previously there had been a Fark podcast I was doing a few years ago with my friend Twitch from ZRock, but it got put on hold when Twitch was put in charge of literally everything at his station in Lexington.  Doing the podcast with Twitch was a fun experience but my main takeaway was radio/podcasting is hard and I have zero audio technical experience. Basically, like pretty much everything else I do in life, I need a partner or I'm useless.  So when Todd hit me up about doing a new podcast, I took him up on it.  

I've known Todd since at least 2002 when I first went on his morning show live in Tampa.  Todd has the distinction of possibly being patient zero for the Florida Man story epidemic.  Lots of folks think Fark was first on Florida Man, and while we were early to catch on, Todd has been covering weird Florida stories on his various shows since the early 1990s.  Also of interest is the fact that for whatever reason, dozens of people who worked with Todd in the past have gone on to be successful radio hosts in other markets. I can't tell you the number of times I've done a radio interview and run into someone who was involved in Todd's show at some point in their careers.  In fact my friend Twitch, who worked with me on the Farkcast, worked with Todd back in the day. Twitch has been the morning guy on Z103 Lexington since 2003, but he got his start on Todd's show just like dozens of other morning folks. Todd has no explanation for it, and neither do I, but it's definitely a thing.  

We're calling it the Fark and Schnitt show.  As for what it's about, I still haven't worked out the 30-second elevator pitch.  We're definitely avoiding unfunny politics. Past that, any other ridiculousness is fair game.  The best description I've got is we cover Fark-ready material but without making the story its own punchline - we go way past that.  

For example, in an earlier demo we discussed a story about Steve Bannon getting disinvited as a keynote speaker at a sex robot conference and segued into an article a friend of mine wrote back in 2017 about Steve Bannon's (alleged) sex dungeon meth house in Miami that at the time no one believed, but since the same journalist was integral in breaking the Deepwater Horizon Story and I know the guy personally, you can bet the farm it's real.   

(And yes I said we're going to steer clear of politics but that one-two punch combo was too weird to resist.)

Todd and I are both new to this, but we've got mad skills and unlimited material so we feel good about our chances.  The show will no doubt evolve over time in both format and concept. We're launching in beta for the first several episodes starting next week and we'll be releasing them to TotalFarkers to get their input.  We could seriously use any help/suggestions/etc that anyone happens to have. Once we get all the rust out, we'll be having a Grand Opening of sorts. More on that later.  

So if you'd like to help us out with that and haven't already signed up for TotalFark, get right on it!

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
cgraves67 pointed out that a boss who accidentally sent an offensive text to an employee was getting what he wanted
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That weighed in on people who like using condoms
wejash shared a love story
SoupGuru knew how a lot of the people we read about could easily avoid negative encounters with cops
Some Junkie Cosmonaut figured out why a listicle put someone on the list twice
hobnail found a use for a witness's shocked expression
holdmybones shared a story illustrating the hazards of being a douchebag at work
hissatsu lamented that the writer of an "article" had missed her calling
Ambivalence indulged in some schadenfreude
propasaurus worried about the real victims
FirstNationalBastard told us more about the man who invented ATM machines

Smart:
GRCooper figured if you say people won't like it if you're an a-hole, then you're an a-hole and people don't like it, that means you win
capt.hollister noticed something about when miracles occur
Pocket Ninja explained why some schools are giving kids very short lunch breaks
Caelistis thought that school schedules are having an unintended effect on students
hissatsu offered diet advice
HowiPepper described preparing for Hurricane Dorian and being ready to help out
odinsposse explained how a law firm made things worse after the boss accidentally sent an offensive text to an employee
Action Replay Nick gave advice on how to treat people you're sexually attracted to
JerseyTim argued that a sports talk radio host was right, but not in the way he thought he was
vpb shared something that helps Floridians deal with hurricane season

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: This funny image thread isn't new and original Fark content, so normally its comments wouldn't be listed in the NotNewsletter, but it's fun to look through, so have at it. 
Funny: Rev.K solved a door puzzle
Funny: Ponzholio had a special message for some of Fark's women who work in IT to share
Funny: Fingerware Error thought that a Farker was mistaken about the possibility of having tetanus
Smart: libranoelrose posted a photo of some really dangerous weapons

Politics Funny:
theflatline interpreted the way Melania Trump looked at Justin Trudeau
SoupGuru gets asked the same kind of questions Donald Trump does
Hey Nurse! answered a question about Trump's staff
mrshowrules explained what would happen after Queen Elizabeth II agreed to suspend Parliament
UNC_Samurai figured out who's behind a Fark account

Politics Smart:
jayhawk88 predicted some future revelations about Trump
Brosephus thought that the Trump administration was attempting to make an unconstitutional change
Gubbo commented on Alabama Republicans' resolution calling for Ilhan Omar's expulsion from Congress
hubiestubert had advice for men who are afraid to work with women
RoyFokker'sGhost shared information about the abortion rate in Denmark


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Alligator showed an ill-conceived practical joke
zeon opened a time capsule full of mockery
Cork on Fork found an artist painting a deceptive mural
Cork on Fork came up with a clever way to sneak a pet into places where it's not allowed
Alligator brought supplies in case of flooding
Professor Science discovered that a talented amphibian finally went too far
Alligator took advantage of the high arch of a moon bridge
zeon gave this ballet company a new member
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us what the White House china is often used for
RedZoneTuba found that sometimes Sigourney Weaver is overly dramatic

Farktography:
Circusdog320 won Farktography Contest No. 747: "Airplane" with a featherless Blackbird

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz this week with foxes. They really are silly animals, and I wish that one in particular would stop screaming in my front yard at night. I mean, file a grievance with the union or something about the continuous night shift - you've been around long enough to have some seniority at this point. Silly fox.

On the quiz itself, Worcester22 gets the big chair in the 1000 club with a score of 1009, followed by Denjiro in second with 942 and loveblondieo in third with 935. Branniganslaw takes fourth with 928, and runwiz finishes out the top 5 with 922.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over OYO hotels and their takeover of the Hooters Casino Hotel in Las Vegas. Only 28% of quiztakers knew that OYO is an Indian company - they were originally a web service that helped book budget hotels, but have since expanded into actual hotel ownership. While they are one of the top 5 in China, they only just started in Japan this year and the Hooters purchase marks their first foray into the American market. 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over who gets paid when you roll to "Gin and Juice" by Snoop Dogg. "Doggystyle" was released under the Death Row Records label, and the catalog went up for sale when the company declared bankruptcy after Suge Knight's incarceration. 92% of quiztakers knew that last week, it became a free bonus when Hasbro acquired the rights to Entertainment One, mostly in order to get their hands on the Peppa Pig franchise. It's like buying your dream home for your family and discovering some vintage S&M gear in the basement. But, I mean, come on, what children's show wouldn't be better with theme music based off of a deep cut by Tupac Shakur?

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about which fired "Today" host was being tapped for a new iteration of the tabloid program "Extra", called "Extra Extra". Only 43% of quiztakers knew that it was Billy Bush who will be plowing through his Rolodex to score interviews with B-list celebs. Hopefully they'll keep the "locker room talk" in the locker room this time.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz dealt with actress and comedian Valerie Harper. 86% of quiztakers knew that she played the role of Rhoda on "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" and later reprised the character for the spin-off. One of my favorite exchanges with that character was Phyllis: "I just thought I'd see what you swingin' singles do for fun." Rhoda "Same as you - sit around and wonder what it would be like to have a happy marriage."

If you missed last week's quiz, you can catch up on it here. 

Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.

Last week, we told you we were auctioning off Fark's iconic rubber chicken environment monitor. The auction is over, and the proud new owner of THE Fark rubber chicken is Farker CipollinaFan. Server Monkey Mike sent the chicken on its way, and inquired as to what's ahead for our vulcanized friend. CipollinaFan was happy to share: "I am going to take it on a tour D.C. There will be pictures. Then I will give it a nice home where he can retire peacefully with a healthy diet of Maker's Mark and a nice bed of discarded RJ45 cables to simulate his natural environment." It sounds like Fark's chicken has found its happy forever home, and will enjoy a fun and enriching retirement. 

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Nickelback cited evidence that the Titanic is actually in better shape than reported
Noticeably F.A.T. exposed a conspiracy to cover up the lie about what made the Titanic sink
BumpInTheNight told us about an obnoxious gamer
TomTudbury recalled a lesson from a classic Fark thread
Sliding Carp translated Disney's CEO's explanation for Disneyland's decreased ticket sales
Ghastly shared how a man who beat his sons with guitars might have answered a judge's question
born_yesterday explained a photo of Christina Hendricks
SumoJeb answered a question about what you can expect after knee replacement surgery
Banned on the Run wondered if a woman ran into a problem that all Farkers have been warned about
jay_bones15 commented about newlyweds who were killed in a car crash minutes after the ceremony

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
RaceDTruck knew how a movie screening for service dogs in training could've gone horribly wrong

Smart:
eurotrader thought that there are jobs not suitable for men who follow the Billy Graham Rule
blender61 had a message for people complaining the $1 Burger King tacos don't look like the advertisements
Pocket Ninja had an opinion about jobs referred to as "side hustles"
WickerNipple noticed a difference in how a priest's crime was handled by the church
rudemix pointed out what some parents are "enabling" when they pay for things for their adult kids
koder explained why an article was wrong about the problems with flying first class
grinding_journalist had a good way to describe a multi-level marketing scheme
I hereby demand that I be given a Fark account gave definitions of two types of police officers
raerae1980 gave examples of archaeological sites that suffered once they became well known
davidphogan explained why "sovereign citizens" persist

CSB Sunday Morning:   Scope creep
Smart: ElPrimitivo got swept away while fixing a leaky bathtub faucet
Funny: wademh had a busted TV lead to big dreams

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: middleoftheday explained why polygamy is still taboo
Smart: CommieTaoist knew why a Farker's wife keeps going after that Farker is done
Smart: JerseyTim had an important question about bringing leftover pizza to an attractive neighbor's house
Smart: Eclectic took a guess at why someone isn't feeling a connection with girls while on dates anymore
Funny: flucto described a bride's unreasonable demand
Funny: sarahthustra knew what to do when the bride only allows guests one pre-ceremony cocktail
Funny: IvyLady takes parenting very seriously
Funny: Drew dropped in to set the record straight

Politics Funny:
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That had a sincere reaction to billionaire David Koch's death
scottydoesntknow figured out why there was a crowd of Donald Trump fans outside the arena
Bimmer Jones was amazed that someone figured out how to get Fark admins to greenlight a submission
bloobeary knew why one person showed up for Steve King's town hall
gopher321 showed us how Denmark reacted when Trump cancelled his visit

Politics Smart:
FirstNationalBastard agreed with Trump that we lack "an honest media"
AdmirableSnackbar pontificated on moderate Democrats
Jack Sabbath wasn't satisfied with the DOJ's explanation for sending out an email with a link to a white nationalist website
weddingsinger complained about equal time for nutjobs
tudorgurl shared the fear that many people in America are living with now


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Herb Utsmelz gave us Disaster Girl with a Pearl Earring
FarkingIceHole painted American Gymnast
FarkingIceHole spied a mustard distributor working the night shift
Cork on Fork proved that some men are turned on by sharp knees
Cork on Fork made sure the roads will stay open
Driver made traffic more fun - just not for the people in it
hail2daking gave us goosebumps on Christmas morning
Alligator gilded The Blue Boy
Circusdog320 showed how excited Captain Picard is to be eating at Olive Garden with his friends
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave us a peek at the not-too-distant future

Farktography:
Elsinore won Farktography Contest No. 746: "Totally Tubular" with a musical series of tubes

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

I'm still at a loss as to the purpose of the numbers on the side of coffee carafes and why the "cups" graduation has no relation to any sized coffee commonly used in the United States. But we had fun anyway. Congratulations go to Denjiro who came out on top with 989, followed by UnrepentantApostate in second with 932. bobobolinskii takes third with 930, patcarew made fourth with 921, and Autoerotic Defenestration finishes out the top 5 with 914.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was about where the Chief Economist of Finland's S-Bank chose to give his triannual Economic Forecast. Only 22% of quiztakers caught the video of him speeding around in the passenger's seat of a European rally car, cracking jokes about "sharp turns" and "bumps in the road". Pretty sure he didn't go with a roller coaster because those actually come back up.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over Elon Musk's latest fashion statement. 81% of quiztakers knew that you can purchase a T-shirt with "Nuke Mars" on it from SpaceX's website. Musk says that nuclear weapon blasts at Mars' poles would release tons of water vapor and greenhouse gases into the Martian atmosphere, thus making it somewhat more livable for humans. I'm personally in favor of just activating the alien artifact to break Cohaagen's air monopoly, but I guess nukes work, too.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about Jelly Brains - the thingies in the water, not some new Halloween concoction made from colored high fructose corn syrup. Only 34% of quiztakers knew that byozoans were actually a colony of millions of tiny invertebrate animals that like to stick together into spheres. They aren't very tolerant of contaminants in the water, so seeing them is actually a sign that the water is fairly clean - I mean, considering fish poop in it.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the island of Greenland, which on a Mercator projection appears to be three-fourths of the Earth's land mass or something. 90% of quiztakers knew that it was the Prime Minister of Denmark who refused to discuss the island's sale. Greenland has had self-rule since 1979, so you'd kind of need the permission of the (checks Wikipedia) Greenlanders as well. Not to mention the Queen of Denmark, although Margrethe II is a lot like England's Queen Elizabeth these days and just walks around and waves at people.

If you missed the quiz this week, you can catch up on it here, since you already know some of the answers now.

Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week!

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone - a couple items of note.  First, if anyone lives near the Lexington, KY area, there's a w00tstout 7.0 tapping at Mr. Brews Wednesday evening at 6 p.m.  Last year we floated the keg before 7 p.m. (or so I'm told, I don't specifically remember) so be sure to get there on time if you can make it!

Also, Mike is auctioning off the Fark Rubber Chicken.  We both autographed it, and as an added bonus, he's going to include a bona fide lump of Kentucky coal that he found in his front yard.  So jump on that if you can.  See below for details.
________________________

A message from Mike:  
________________________ 

We're still selling old Fark hardware.  The selection continues to shrink slowly, but there is still plenty left.  Drew and I are willing to autograph pieces if there's any interest.  Bonus points if you can come to KY to pick it up -- especially the cabinet.  We had an unexpected amount of interest in the rubber chicken, so we've put Fark's rubber chicken environment monitor on eBay, and as Drew mentioned above, we'll include a proto-diamond, otherwise known as eastern Kentucky coal.  For everything else, read the instructions at the top of the sale page if you'd like to make an offer. 

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Quick note: Shots for the 2019 - 2020 flu season are available now, so make sure you get one if you have the means and don't have a medical condition that prohibits it. Be a good citizen and don't spread cooties!

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
null could have given expert advice
scottydoesntknow knew how an enhancement might help an angler
johnnygew pointed out consecutive headlines that seemed to belong together
jjorsett created a potentially helpful license plate
I dont want to be on this planet anymore was curious about a thread about wearing the same underwear for two days or longer
theDesertHamster commented on a woman's misadventure with a cucumber
Snarfangel let us know how an advertiser handled backlash against a creepy casting call
mainsail appreciated that someone else did the math on Dove Cameron's selfie
GungFu found out who was responsible for a questionable ad
FirstNationalBastard informed us that a controlling boyfriend hasn't changed his ways

Smart:
ThomasPaineTrain shared helpful information about suicide hotlines
BunkyBrewman pointed out the irony with complaints about a photographer taking photos at a fair
markie_farkie discussed the use of roundabouts in road design
DoctorCal thought a casting call seeking a child for an ad campaign was familiar
Gordon Bennett gave advice to anyone shopping around for a religion
johnsoninca spotted evidence that a parent was lying about a bad experience at a restaurant
MizzouFTW explained why sometimes an excessive number of police will show up for something minor
Pocket Ninja thought that a "Game of Thrones" director explained more than he meant to
Hachitori shared a great story about learning why it's important to stop pollution
AdmirableSnackbar wanted you to know something about a West Virginia man who was interviewed about a tree that fell on a car

CSB Sunday Morning:   The kindness of strangers - This is a great thread to read if you need to feel good about people
Smart:  Maybe you should drive shared a story about being a police officer with the opportunity to help a teenager and his mother
Funny:  Squid_for_Brains told the story of a drugstore hero

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: rosekolodny showed off a snoozing kitty
Funny: KiwDaWabbit knew the most painless way to die
Funny: CommieTaoist had exactly what Flab was avoiding
Smart: rcf1105 recommended a book to read
Funny: Ceteris Paribus says explained what a "ZJ" is (based on this sign)

Politics Funny:
doyner pointed out the the naughty humor in another Farker's grammatical error
darkhorse23 wanted to be sure an assault wasn't being committed
gopher321 refrained from writing "Moscow Mitch"
This Is Bold Text noticed how liberals taking over would affect people
cgraves67 had some rare praise for Jeffrey Epstein

Politics Smart:
aaronx thought that one particular subject is not taught enough in the U.S. anymore
bloobeary noticed people missing in a political cartoon
mrshowrules discussed neck bones breaking from a hanging
Sgt Otter looked at Donald Trump's desire to call a political movement a terror organization
ox45tallboy pointed out why a guy's tweets might come across as smug


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Cork on Fork redesigned the cover for Nirvana's best-selling album
Yammering_Splat_Vector revealed the creatures that inhabit our ponds
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel checked up on a pregnant Wookiee
Cork on Fork showed an ATV rider getting an unwanted ride
I_Am_Weasel found out where the music on "Star Trek" comes from
Iggie spotted a voyeuristic inflatable marsupial
Alligator didn't get Mad about falling for a practical joke
hail2daking put Calvin and Hobbes on a curvy road
zeon found out where this road leads
Yammering_Splat_Vector helped Leonardo DiCaprio strut into your life

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 745: "People" ended in a tie with CiliarySpasm's photo of a "great-niece feeding her cousin" and MorningBreath's photo of "Dancers, UNC Greensboro"

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

We had another fun time on the quiz, although no one wanted to talk about salamanders. That's okay, we don't see them much here in the U.S. where lizards and frogs are far more prominent. But they can be pretty cute. On the quiz itself, we have a 1000 club entry this week! Curseyoukhan takes the top spot with 1012 and a key to the executive lounge, followed by freakingmoron with 990 who we'll let watch from the doorway. skloon takes third place with 929, followed by MostlyLurking and BeotchPudding who tie for fourth with 928, and WoolyManwich who slides into the top 5 with 927.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over NHL goalie Robin Lehner and the Masterson Trophy he was awarded for "best exemplifying the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to ice hockey." Well, only 23% of quiztakers knew that one of the most important things you can do in any team sport is wear the uniform of the team you''re playing for, which is why he was so surprised that his team was listed on the trophy as the New York Rangers - he played for the New York Islanders. Unless possibly his former team had disowned him - he had signed with the Chicago Blackhawks for next season when he got the trophy.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over which U.S. government agency's mascot celebrated its 75th birthday last week. 93% of quiztakers knew that Smokey Bear (not Smokey "the" Bear) has been telling us for 3/4 of a century to not burn stuff down. FWIW, Woodsy Owl started telling us to not litter in 1971 (really, look at the clothes he wears) and McGruff in his creepy trench coat started telling us to take a bite out of crime in 1980. I think he's now on a few watch lists, or probably should be.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which band once had an extended legal battle with Burger King over, of all things, Chicken Fries. 51% of quiztakers knew that Slipknot's managers had a huge problem with "Coq Roq", the weird chicken-head wearing garage band spokespeople BK's marketing department somehow greenlit to sell processed chicken. Their "music" also sounded suspiciously like Slipknot, which to me is saying a blender with ice sounds a lot like fish bones in the garbage disposal, so the lesson here is many folks were glad it didn't go to trial and they managed to settle. And I guess someone somewhere is somehow glad we still have chicken fries. Possibly.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over what item is now permanently available at Chick-Fil-A. 93% of quiztakers knew that you can now get macaroni and cheese with your chicken sandwich, except for the fact that you're not having a chicken sandwich at Chick-Fil-A anymore, you're getting a far better chicken sandwich from Popeye's - which, by the way, also has Mac & Cheese.

If you missed the quiz, you can catch up on it here.

Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.

You may have read previous editions of the Fark NotNewsletter in which Drew has talked about what he looks for when selecting Fark submissions to greenlight. Drew focused mainly on writing good taglines, which is always important, but I'm about to tell you about an easy hack to increase your chances of getting more greenlights. It bothers you that I called it a "hack" just now, doesn't it? Yeah, I did that just to be a jerk. But no, really, here's an easy tip that can help you get more greenlights: Submit against less competition. How do you do that? I'm glad you asked. 

The first thing is, the majority of our submissions are for the Main page and the Politics tab. If you have a hard time getting greenlights, consider those tabs already covered and submit good links and conversation topics for the other tabs: Discussion, Sports, Business, Geek, Entertainment, D'awww and Food. These tabs don't get enough love, and you can be their knight in shining armor. Be sure you come up with a funny tagline, and select the proper tab in the category drop-down in the submission form. 

Nextly, we get most of our submissions during normal office hours when people are avoiding work and screwing around on the internet, and we're often short on good content late evenings, over weekends, and on holidays. Try submitting more during those times instead of going up against the business hours submitters. Not only are you more likely to get a greenlight, but the night and weekend admins will really appreciate having more to choose from. Everybody wins!

And now for something that might surprise you: You might think it's hardest to get a greenlight for a thread that we only run once per week, but often those are the ones that have little to no competition at all - meaning the moderators and admins either scramble to come up with something, or they just don't bother with the dang thread that week (I'm looking at you, CSB Sunday Morning). Below are the weekly threads we seem to struggle with the most, and what admins are looking for for each of them.

* CSB Sunday Morning threads: The idea here is to have a topic, and Farkers share their own true stories about it. You can submit your CSB thread with a relevant link, or just link it back to Fark.com and the Fark robots will magically change the link to go right to the thread when you submit it. As far as topics go, take a look at past CSB Sunday Morning topics, and avoid submitting one we've done before -- at least recently -- if possible. Try to think of a topic that the majority of Farkers will have a story for. For example, avoid topics that would only apply to women, or people who have had pet snakes, or someone who had a privileged upbringing, or Farkers with red hair. You also want to either avoid topics that will elicit short answers rather than stories, or put a reminder in the headline or the Boobies to share stories about the topic, rather than just answers. Speaking of the Boobies, you can write one with instructions and even include your own story to get it started, or you can just make sure the headline has enough information so that an instructive Boobies isn't necessary. If you are writing a Boobies, though, you'll want to have it ready to copy and paste in so you can post it immediately after submitting (this will require a TotalFark subscription). Please submit your CSB Sunday Morning thread contenders on Saturday evenings. They're usually selected late Saturday and are posted in TotalFark Discussion overnight to get them started, then they go live to the Main page Sunday mornings at 9 Eastern.

* Saturday Morning Book Club and Sunday Morning Music Club: Winterlight was kind enough to write about these threads in a previous Fark NotNewsletter. Please check that out for guidelines on submitting topics for those, and you can also check out Sunday Morning Music Club and Saturday Morning Book Club threads that we've done before.

* Woofday Wednesday: Woofday Wednesday is our canine version of Caturday. Submit dog articles that make your tail wag on Tuesdays by 2 p.m. and use the Woofday tag. You can check out some of the previous Woofday threads to get an idea of what kinds of links to submit. 

A few more tips for getting more of your submissions selected by Fark admins: We often run short on Photoshop contest submissions, so those are a good bet. You can check out all the live Fark Photoshop contests here, and TotalFarkers can see those along with all of the upcoming Fark contests here. Also, we often miss out on local funny and weird news stories or don't get them until after national outlets pick them up, but you can help us out by keeping an eye out for them in your local news and submitting them early. You might also consider setting up alerts for phrases and topics that tend to be good Fark fodder. 

With anything you submit for consideration to be selected by Fark admins, always keep these general tips in mind to increase the chances of your submission being posted on Fark. Fark is, above all, a humor website, so the funnier the tagline, the better its chances of being chosen. Please don't submit headlines that are the same as the article's - it's not against the rules, but it's the last one the admins will choose. Also, try to use "good" sources, meaning ones that give the full story and don't block a lot of people from viewing their content. We'd prefer you take a few extra minutes to submit quality links and headlines rather than racing to be first to submit the story. And even if you follow all these tips and guidelines and you're the only one to submit a particular story or link for a weekly thread, that does not guarantee you will get a greenlight. If you want to know why your submission was redlit, please do not complain about it in a comments thread, but contact Farkback instead. One final note: There is a common misconception that TotalFarkers get preferential treatment when admins go through submitted links, but that's simply not the case. It can appear that way, though, because Farkers who submit a lot tend to join TotalFark, and having a TotalFark membership means you can see what's been submitted, what's in the queue, and what hasn't been submitted yet, so it definitely can give you an edge. 

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
dailygrinds figured out why a man had no trouble confronting a deadly snake
stevenboof empathized with straight men who worry that carrying reusable shopping bags will make them look gay
CruiserTwelve realized that our parents have been lying to us
Martian_Astronomer was inspired by some news about city pools in Barcelona
weddingsinger will soon be making $4,000 a month reposting other people's content
Snapper Carr revealed what happens when you call Emma Watson's free hotline for women experiencing workplace harassment
Martian_Astronomer reworded a letter to an advice columnist
Somacandra had a question about updating the U.S. Navy Minesweepers with navigation systems that run on Windows 2000
WhiskeyBender was confused by a referenced used when complaining about how police treated someone
maddan explained who Aaron Carter is

Smart:
Benevolent Misanthrope discussed what made an unqualified person think she could care for malnourished children
Martian_Astronomer was inspired by some news about city pools in Barcelona
Target Builder disagreed with advice to obey a police order
Screaming Candle addressed the idea that parents of autistic children grieve when their child is diagnosed
Naido gave more information about Sarah Silverman's reaction to an anti-Semitic preacher's attack on her
johnsoninca had advice for someone who had trouble with a state trooper on the way home from jury duty
Xuge argued that it was unreasonable for people to complain about a bride's wedding plans
vudukungfu gave many Farkers an additional reason to use reusable shopping bags
NephilimNexus had an idea of why a lion in a zoo ate her own cubs
scottydoesntknow gave examples of how Captain America has changed through the course of the MCU

CSB Sunday Morning:  Things that don't exist anymore, or not in the way they used to
Smart: wademh shared a story about climbing the metal rocket at the playground
Funny: Colour_out_of_Space used a car window to confuse a child

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: EggFool had good advice for any Farker. Side note: This comment from the same thread didn't get many votes because it came late, but Staffist had a funny story about mailing a care package
Funny: Al_Ed apparently has met many interesting women
Smart: Al_Ed answered the question, "What would you do if you had groupies?"
Smart: johnryan51 shared a beautiful view in Ireland
Smart: myschief gave advice on what to do if you're arrested for something you didn't do
Funny: howtomilkagoat was looking forward to meeting merrillvillain
Funny: maddan is cautious when visiting the devil

Politics Funny:
naughtyrev knew who was responsible for driving traffic from Fark to Donald Trump's campaign website
thismomentinblackhistory reacted to the news that Jeffrey Epstein died of suicide
blastoh noticed something about the anti-anti-fascist resolution being pushed by Bill Cassidy and Ted Cruz
wildsilverfox didn't understand a really old reference
gopats commented on Epstein's cause of death

Politics Smart:
I'm just going to drop the "Jeffrey Epstein's dead" smart vote results here. So go here for your Epstein death conspiracy theories, anger that he got out of going on trial and wasn't watched more closely, and calls for all the evidence to be released
scottydoesntknow had a response to Neil deGrasse Tyson's tweet comparing mass shooting deaths to other deaths
BizarreMan knew how to tell the difference between a Trump tweet and a mass shooter's manifesto
jayhawk88 figured out why Fark refers so much traffic to Trump's campaign website
stan unusual responded to an Arizona State Senator's complaint about "the browning of America"
eurotrader suggested a time to declare Antifa a "domestic terrorist organization"


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba gave Mitch McConnell a job as a spokesperson
Yammering_Splat_Vector posted a sign that things have gone quite wrong
RedZoneTuba raced to save a dog from the government
RedZoneTuba mapped out the male brain
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us your mom's favorite app
Cork on Fork found the elusive dog snout monkey
hail2daking showed Fark on your mind
hail2daking revealed Santa's dik dik
I_Am_Weasel ran into the nutsack dik dik
RedZoneTuba started using an old rotary phone again

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 744: "Rain, Rain, Go Away 2" ended in a tie between DrWhy's fark this particular neighborhood right here and Elsinore's bird that doesn't have enough sense to come in out of the rain

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.

Fark Weird News Quiz

The new Fark Weird News Quiz is up and ready for quizzing here, so go give it a shot instead of getting back to work!