________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone hope your week's been well.

Quick heads up for TotalFark subscribers - last week I teased a thing I could use a hand with.  It's time for submissions!  Here's the link, fire away.  Anyone else feeling like joining in the fun can sign up for TotalFark and get busy. 

This week on the Fark News Livestream - it's me, Christine, Dill and Lucky.  Dill has volunteered to taste test a new mac-and-cheese-flavored ice cream on the stream, but when he went to the store he made a horrifying discovery - there is more than one disgusting flavor.  He'll taste test them all for us.  Also, Elon Musk buys Twitter, a surprising and unnecessary new update on the long-running JFK QAnon saga, the worst logos of 2022, and a legacy of crotch flaps in Magic the Gathering fantasy art.
________________________

End Drew transmission
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Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
TypoFlyspray explained why the NHL didn't follow suit when Wimbledon banned their Russian and Belarusian players
Dallymo took a guess about the family of the person with a "Welcome to Poundtown" sign in the master bedroom
MrBallou had advice about a seminary student who died during a Jesus crucifixion reenactment
jbc learned a neat trick to try when using a hand mixer
ralphjr helpfully captioned artwork from the background in a news broadcast
EvilEgg discussed a technique many have tried and failed
Psychopusher told us why we should just count our phones as lost if we drop them in an outhouse
Maybe you should drive proved that what goes around comes around
NewportBarGuy thought Jim Bakker was projecting
Heamer let us know what it feels like to inhale a drill bit

Smart:
Bootleg tried to think of one of the Christian pastors who're being murdered that Jim Bakker was talking about
Psychopusher considered what could be done about cops trying to stop people posting video of them by playing copyrighted music
JessieL thought that it's a good idea to think about what you're calling something you're going to shoot into the sky
stoli n coke pointed out why Jim Bakker has nothing to fear
Don't Troll Me Bro! described how blasting Disney music to prevent video of them on patrol being posted online could backfire for them
EvilEgg discussed a technique many have tried and failed

CSB Sunday Morning theme: That time you were caught in the rain
Smart: MissFeasance shared a story about being upset and needing to get home
Funny: TomFooolery erected an ark

Politics Funny:
zedster let us know what was going on with Vladimir Putin in a strained photo and Angry Drunk Bureaucrat took it from there
Raymond Perjurytrap suspected Putin was up to something else when that picture was taken
b0rscht felt personally attacked
lordjupiter thought something else was spooking Putin
Hobodeluxe explained the man with lit-up genitals in Tucker Carlson's weird masculinity video

Politics Smart:
olorin604 pointed out who was the cancel culture all along
I Ate Shergar thought that Turkey sounded a little confused
limeyfellow figured Floridians could stand to be a little more judgmental of certain things
kbronsito looked at where a Trump judge draws the line
NewportBarGuy recounted Florida complaints about "California values"


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week

Photoshops:
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us a trio with egg on their faces
Redwing made an Easter tribute to Ukraine
RedZoneTuba caught a first class flight
bugdozer showed Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy disguised with amazing camouflage
ChuckRoddy found that entire families are confiscating military equipment
RedZoneTuba showed us why birds are rarely hired to work in restaurants
Circusdog320 thought about produce
RedZoneTuba gave us a sad Vlad
RedZoneTuba made an insurance commercial
Wrongo did the distracted boyfriend meme

Fartist Friday theme: Earth Day posters
thatguyoverthere70 drew actor, environmentalist and activist Eddie Albert

Farktography theme: Whatcha Smokin'?
Lord Ezekiel showed us four smokin' chicks


Fark Headlines of the Week

A selection of some of the top headlines from last week

He was the very model of a Russian Major General, leading orcs in Putin's wars however vile or criminal; he was sent to make a show of brutish Russian firepower, farked around and now he's found a-pushing up a sunflower

Two-thirds of Russians feel "pride, inspiration or joy" about the war in Ukraine while others feel trapped in a Stephen King novel, raising the terrible prospect that the war may ramble on for five hundred more pages and end unsatisfyingly

You know that scene in Harry Potter where they discover Voldemort's unusually-prolonged life was due to him feeding off the blood of unicorns in the Forbidden Forest?

On this day in history, in 1918, the German flying ace, "the Red Baron," was killed in action. Some say he was shot by ground fire, others claim he was defeated by a Canadian RAF pilot, and a third theory involves a beagle and a flying doghouse

♫ ♪ Can't you feel 'em closing in, honey? Can't you feel 'em schooling around? You got fins to the left, fins to the right, and you're the only restaurant in town ♫ ♪

Stephen King shows us why he's the true master of horror

InfoWars is now morally AND financially bankrupt

China and the USA each want the Solomon Islands. Maybe we could cut them in half?

5, 6, 7, 8 To NATO? To Not-O? Hasenpfeffer incorporated Barra bop barra bop BA BA WE'RE GONNA DO IT

Click on this or we're through

Moral of the story: Don't park your car on the sun


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz last week, where we decided that length of cheese is not necessarily a good selling point for pizza. On the Quiz itself, Denjiro came out on top with 986, followed by ProfessorTerguson in second with 930 and Autoerotic Defenestration in third with 912. highpedestrian made fourth with 907, and Kidsmakeyoucrazy got into the top five with 903. 

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was about those wacky Brits and their taxes. Only 22% of quiztakers caught the article last week about Glanbia Milk's flapjacks. While the rest of the civilized world recognizes that flapjacks are pancakes, in Britain they apply the moniker to what we would call a granola bar. Apparently it is a faux pas of the highest order to serve these for afternoon tea, so the taxing authority has classified them as "sweets" subject to a Value Added Tax. 

The easiest question on last week's Hard Quiz was about the "chaos" that ensued when an Austin parent grabbed the wrong Easter basket to hand out eggs at their child's school. 76% of quiztakers caught the article about condoms accidentally being distributed by the Easter Bunny, which I'm sire led to no small number of uncomfortable conversations. 

The hardest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about the definition of "elicit". Only 73% of quiztakers knew that the word means "to get a response."  "Illicit" means "illegal or forbidden."

The easiest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about why all the baseball players were wearing #42 on their jerseys one day last week. 90% of quiztakers knew it was to honor Jackie Robinson, the first Black player in the modern era. 

If you missed out last week, now's a great time to catch up on the Fark Weird News Quiz. Congratulations once again to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again on Friday.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone hope you're having a spiffy 4/20.  Those of you who live outside of American Gilead that is, the rest of you keep your heads down.

Quick heads up for TotalFark subscribers - got a new thing I need your help with.  I'm looking for folks with a sense of humor, a touch of punkass, and as an added bonus you'll be immune from the inevitable consequences because I'm taking the hit for this one. Think you've got what it takes?  Check out this TotalFark Discussion thread and let me know.  This week is just the announcement, next week is the main event.  Jump into the thread for more details

For those of you who don't have TotalFark, would you like to participate?   Are you kind of a punkass and occasionally funny? Perhaps you might be able to contribute.  Sign up for TotalFark today and join in the fun.

This week on the Fark News Livestream: Dill's back from his coffee conference, Lucky and Christine are in as well, and we've got a super weird lineup for you including failed but insane cold war proposals involving drugged bears, nuking the moon, and the proposed assault on Fidel Castro's beard.  Also, a piece of the one true cross is at the bottom of the Black Sea, Easter condoms for kids, and China has taught monkeys to play Pac-Man.  And that's just since yesterday, there's likely more to come.  Join us 4 p.m. Eastern Thursday Apr 21.
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End Drew transmission
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Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
MrBallou knew who definitely wasn't responsible for a WWII ship sinking into Lake Erie
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That showed us what some kids did after their school's headmaster taped their mouths shut
Rapmaster2000 stood up for Elon Musk
scottydoesntknow explained some legal terms from a note threatening subordinates who discuss their pay with each other
scottydoesntknow had an experience that might sound familiar to 8 inches
bighairyguy knew exactly why a Ukrainian man rappelled off his roof to get into his destroyed apartment
cartmans_evil_twin discussed reaction to an unsolicited pre-Easter in-flight Christian music concert
listernine had a plan to avoid having a gender reveal party for a while
iron de havilland sensed a theme with wearsmanyhats
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That expanded on the message on a biker's vest

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
Sapper_Topo submitted a thread to TotalFark Discussion that Drew wisely decided to release upon the world. I'm warning you right now that there are really disgusting photos in the thread that show exactly what the headline promises. The headline says, "Cooking ribs this weekend and had a slab with a giant cyst on them. Thought it was a fatty tumor until I tried to cut it out and it ruptured disgusting green pus. The company has not responded to my concerns Wat DO? Creepy tag since no gross tag [NSFL pics in thread]." Don't come crying to me if you look in the thread and don't like what you find. Though I do admit that I had to learn the hard way, myself.

Smart:
koder found the type of person who makes any workplace problem worse
Bootleg looked at Elon Musk's history of being a "free speech absolutist"
vudukungfu shared a story about quitting a job at a restaurant
wearsmanyhats gave advice to decrease emergency room visits and articles for Fark
kudayta had a theory about what was causing a WWII-era naval destroyer to sink, but Marcus Aurelius thought it was something else
Chariset figured out how Musk plans on freeing the internet

CSB Sunday Morning theme: High School Prom
Smart: vudukungfu took a future best friend to the prom
Funny: Max Wedge went to prom with Pennywise

Politics Funny:
AnyName made a point about Russian warship Moskva's legacy after it sank
west.la.lawyer helped Iowa Gov. Kim Reynolds with a better Passover image
MusicMakeMyHeadPound exposed the truth about Hunter Biden's laptop
SoupGuru can't get fooled again
hobnail commented about the Russian Embassy in D.C. trying to use a spotlight to cover a Ukrainian flag projected onto their building

Politics Smart:
Intrepid00 summed up Russia's threats against Sweden and Finland
AnyName made a point about Russian warship Moskva's legacy after it sank
GhostOfAChance looked at laws targeting transgender people
markie_farkie considered the effects of Texas Gov. Greg Abbott's decision to screw up operations at his own state's international border in an attempt to punish President Biden for easing some COVID restrictions
Xythero shared what it's been like to get involved in local politics


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week

Photoshops:
Yammering_Splat_Vector revealed subtle signs that this cat is annoyed
Lsherm sent someone tough to deal with Putin
Wrongo gave this queen a new crown
whatsupchuck found out that Jabba is a furry
Wrongo fed the traffic snake
RedZoneTuba showed us what happens when you shave your tribbles
RedZoneTuba found an example of when people and their pets start to look alike
RedZoneTuba had a new Devo album
Thoaar watched a popular TV show
Yammering_Splat_Vector proved that, like birds, elephants aren't real

Captions:
From Caption this bird that is owl that:
RedZoneTuba was done with this interview
geom_00 was feeling '90s sassy
Grumpy Cat had a message from your parent

Fartist Friday theme: Anniversary Poetry
alizeran wrote about The Little Night

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: We celebrate "Earth Day" with a poster contest. Create artwork with themes like conservation, recycling, sustainability, planting a tree, etc. Digital art programs like Photshop and Paint/Draw along with real-life art supplies are allowed, and entries must be newly-created for this contest. For inspiration here are "52 actions and tips" we can take each day of the year.

Farktography theme: Textures 2
sherpa18's lovely model showed some leg


Fark Headlines of the Week

A selection of some of the top headlines from last week

At the intersection of America's pastime and America's pastime

"Christian" headmaster who taped seventh-graders' mouths shut blames them, says he "gently" pulled the tape off after a few minutes. And when he had opened the seventh-graders' seals, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour

Sure, hiring a defense attorney can cost you an arm and a leg, but you'd think a man accused of dumping body parts all over Arizona could afford that

Woman dies in Lincoln Park apartment fire. The Chicago Fire Department tried so hard, but in the end, it didn't even matter

iPhone maker Pegatron halts Shanghai production due to Covid lockdown, career in Transformer pornography may be over as well

Serial pie-in-the-face attacker on the loose. Police describe the attacker as irrational

Rangers lose to Rockies on slide rule violation. Compass and straight edge still acceptable

Protester attempts to glue her arms to the floor during Timberwolves-Clippers play-in game. Charges not expected to stick

Star Trek : The Next Generation : The Animated Series : The Search for More Colons

Toyota's Tesla Killer is finally here, and it's named after one of Elon's kids. Meet the BZ4X

How do YOU eat at home without actually cooking? Because it's Monday Food Discussion: BACHELOR CHOW Edition. Throw your old instant ramen and cereal bags, just, ALL OVER over up in here

Today is National Make Lunch Count day, so get into the kitchen and me a sandwich, Dracula

Peeps are still the preferred Easter candy despite the existence of literally anything else

4O3 Parachute not found. 4O4 Parachute found

Novel injection repairs severe spinal injuries in mice. It was Steinbeck wasn't it?


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on this week's Quiz, where I learned I can use a digital coupon to get 75 cents off pickled pigs feet at my local redneck grocery - but I have to run next door to Dollar General to get Internet access to bring up the coupon on my phone. Some technology moves at about the pace of food choices in this part of the country, On the Quiz itself, I'll have plenty of help downing the pickled pigs feet as four people made it into the 1000 club, Luckily the store also had chitlins and plenty of lard to fry them in, so they'll probably all still be hungry. rick42 is our champion this week with 1027, followed by spudbeach in second place with 1010. KumquatMay made third with 1008, Kidsmakeyoucrazy took fourth with 1001, and Sexy Jesus made it into the top five with 986,

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was about the What3words system available in autos from Mercedes-Benz, Jaguar, Lamborghini, Lotus, and luxury vehicles from Ford and Mitsubishi, and will soon be coming to the new Subaru Outback, Only 29% of quiztakers had heard of the What3words navigation system, which turns the surface of the Earth into a grid of squares approximately 10 ft x 10 ft, and allows you to reference a particular square using three common English-language words. I can't wait to see this combined with voice recognition and Scottish accents.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about graphic designer Harvey Ball, who was tasked by the insurance company he worked at with boosting morale. 82% of quiztakers knew he got a whopping $45 (~$300 in today's money) for his simple yellow background with two black dots and a curved line that sold out instantly - and did indeed boost morale at the insurance company in every department except the accountants. The design was never patented or trademarked, and thus was copied endlessly by anyone and everyone with no royalties to either Ball or the company he made it for. But lots of people had a nice day, so there's that. 

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about the definition of "mettlesome". Only 27% of quiztakers caught the difference between "mettlesome" (full of mettle, showing strength of character) and "meddlesome" (one who meddles, concerning oneself with others' affairs). And 73% of quiztakers were not amused by this. 

The easiest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about a John Cusack movie from the 80s. 87% of quiztakers knew that he played a hitman opposite Minnie Driver in "Grosse Pointe Blank". Which is really interesting when you consider that only 81% of quiztakers got the question on the Oscar-winning "Schindler's List" correct. FWIW, I've never seen Schindler's List in its entirety either, but I can quote most John Cusack movies verbatim. 

If you missed out last week, now's a great time to catch up on the Fark Weird News Quiz. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll do it all again on Friday.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone, hope your week's been well.

If you've been on the fence lately, it turns out April is a fantastic month to join TotalFark.  There's not much advertising going on in April, everyone's saving it for next month when all the graduations and vacations hit.  As an added bonus, I've got a new possibly incredible possibly stupid idea I need to run by TotalFarkers first.   Keep an eye out for that one.  It's another one of those things that have never been done before.

Thursday at 4 p.m. Eastern it's the Fark News Livestream with me, Christine, and Lucky.  Dill's heading up north for a coffee conference, he'll be back next week.  Been tracking several stories this week including the fake federal agent saga, China lockdowns, weird Ukraine stuff, and Brazilian Viagra.  It's so weird that words in the previous sentence almost definitely got caught in someone's spam folder.
________________________

End Drew transmission
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A couple of quick notes:

- The March 2022 Headline of the Month winners are out, so March over there and check them out. 

- TotalFark Discussion turned 18 yesterday! Here's the thread where Drew announced the beginning of TFD (link is only available to TotalFarkers). Remember: Even though TotalFark Discussion is now officially an adult, we don't expect TFDers to suddenly start acting like grownups.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat was confused by Will Smith being banned from all Academy events for 10 years
propasaurus figured an altercation between a woman and her father who opened her sex toy delivery could've been worse
hammettman had an idea of what else set off the fight between father and daughter
Warthog brought a fish to a plant debate
Lsherm reacted to Will Smith's 10-year slap punishment
Bovine Diarrhea Virus asked a question about a store called Plant Parenthood
I May Be Crazy But... shared some free legal advice
Karma Chameleon summed up a Fark headline's characterization of the music youngsters listen to these days
morg noticed something sketchy
edmo welcomed us to Fark

Smart:
TwoHead told us why it's a bad idea to open a package that's addressed to someone else
phalamir didn't want to hear your cosmic bullpoop
jimjays shared a story about the healing power of ice cream
Vansthing didn't ask to speak to the manager
NewportBarGuy gave advice on what to do if you're questioned or detained by cops
phalamir shared first-hand knowledge of whose names go on a birth certificate
Bonzo_1116 discussed the idea that population growth is necessary for a healthy economy

CSB Sunday Morning theme: "And that's when I knew I was getting too old for this ..."
Smart: MorningBreath learned that it's gotten harder to party
Funny: Carter Pewterschmidt looked before leaping

Politics Funny:
WhiskeySticks had one thing to say about an anti-abortion activist having had 115 fetuses at her home
jayhawkeye2 explained why someone would have a bunch of fetuses in their home
Weatherkiss figured out why Joe Biden said Vladimir Putin should be put on trial for war crimes
Nicki Minaj's Cousin's Friend's Swollen Testicle knew who's to blame for mass shootings
TommyDeuce showed us a conversation Tennessee Republican Rep. John Rose might've had about his wife

Politics Smart:
gopher321 discussed Russians who are in favor of Putin's war on Ukraine
Lorelle figured Texas would want to be fair about their anti-abortion laws
grokca wondered if a man who left a job over having to wear a mask was unwilling to follow other rules for the job
NewportBarGuy looked at one of the effects of culture war legislation
TommyDeuce pointed out that some interviews could be misleading


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week

Photoshops:
bugdozer made Pooty-Poot pouty pout
RedZoneTuba put this liquidy cat in its native environment
RedZoneTuba kind of made this cake look a little less Photoshopped
Yammering_Splat_Vector found these besties comforting each other
Yammering_Splat_Vector went down to South Park
Redwing designed a royal hat
Yammering_Splat_Vector played some music for the pack
PhotoshopCrazy ruffled Marilyn's feathers
Yammering_Splat_Vector brought a fire fan
bugdozer gave us a new Garbage Pail Kid
kabloink found a lot of good bowlers

Captions:
From Caption this craftsman and this dog
Grumpy Cat ran out of material
RedZoneTuba was narrowing down the suspects
The Third Man had enough of Bob's shenanigans

Fartist Friday theme: Show & Tell Vol. 17: Plants Edition
This one ended in a three-way tie with kabloink's curious cat, angiela's flower family and AtomPeepers' towering tree

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: In honor of our contest's 2nd anniversary, we're serving up an "Anniversary Poetry" theme. Write an ode commemorating a notable event in your life. All poetry forms allowed - haiku, limerick, villanelle, free verse, etc. All votable entries must be newly-created especially for this contest.

Farktography theme: Scavenger Hunt 3
Lovesandwich captured a thousand points of light


Fark Headlines of the Week

A selection of some of the top headlines from last week

The war in Ukraine is starting to sound like mid-'90s anime: An elite Ukrainian drone unit that rides quad bikes into battle staged a nighttime ambush on Russian forces that stalled that 40-mile-long relief column and ruined plans to take Kyiv

U.S. Marine being held in Russian prison ends hunger strike after six days. One more day without food would make one weak

Super callous Putin mystic suffers from psychosis

Jets owner Woody Johnson donating $1 million to Ukraine. Ukraine would prefer actual jets, but it's something

I don't know, two thousand days' notice seems like plenty to me

Ukraine could begin the process to become a EU member "within weeks" according to EU President Ursula von der Leyen. Well, they already have a chair with "UK" printed on it

"Liquid wind" is not something you get after a three-burrito night

Fungi communicate using a vocabulary of up to 50 words including: thank, you, Mario, but, our, princess, is, in, another, and castle

Schmucks huck Zuck bucks. F*ck


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on last week's Quiz, but the aerial views of the 1000 club from my new drone may take a while due to high winds. On the Quiz itself, rick42 came out on top with 1019 and is joined in the 1000 club by Redh8t, who made 1009. Denjiro made third with 932, Blackstone took fourth with 929, and bud jones rounds out the top five with 923.

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was about Kevin Smith's upcoming horror flick "KillRoy Was Here." Only 23% of quiztakers caught the article and knew they could score a piece of the flick as an NFT. As a part of the NFT, buyers also get the rights to make derivative works of their image of the title character which will be included in the sequel. IOW, you can pay to make a sequel to a movie you haven't seen yet, but you won't share in the profits. So, ummm... good luck with that, Kevin. In the meantime, where's "Clerks 3"?

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about The "Tree of Life" notebooks that were stolen from Cambridge University some 20 years ago and mysteriously returned last week. 85% of quiztakers recognized the work of Charles Darwin. I'm pretty sure they're going to be a while working out the late fees on that return, but it will probably still be easier than catching the perpetrators. Still, maybe the thieves read them and learned something.

The hardest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about which actor just welcomed his first child with on-again-off-again partner Mia Goth. Only 57% of quiztakers recognized Shia LaBeouf as the actor that has appeared on "Freaks and Geeks," ER," "The X-Files" and "Touched by an Angel." (Tom Hardy never appeared in any of them) No word yet on how LaBeouf's "I Am Not Famous Anymore" stunt from 2014 is going, but we'll keep you updated as new information presents itself.

The easiest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about the parasite that makes you look thinner and more attractive. 85% of quiztakers recognized Toxoplasma gondii as the bug that causes toxoplasmosis, which is commonly associated with kitty litter. So if your cat poops outside, you're still likely to be as plain and unattractive as dog owners. 

If you missed out last week, now's a great time to catch up on the Fark Weird News Quiz now that you know a few of the answers. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again on Friday.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone hope your week's been well.

Today at 4 p.m. Eastern on the Fark News Livestream it's me, Lucky, Dill and Christine with the weirdest news of the week, including how to murder your husband, white witchery, and that time we nuked Indianapolis.  Added bonus: Christine managed to track down the couple who adopted the "gay" dog given up by his former owners, we'll have them on the stream today.
________________________

End Drew transmission
________________________ 

Headline of the Month for March is open, so go get your votin' stick and choose your favorites. Here are the flavors:

Main
Discussion
Sports
Business
STEM
Entertainment
Fandom
D'awww
Food
Politics

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
I-K-Rumba showed us that Will Smith has spoken this sentence before
tokinGLX explained why Will Smith's publicist approached him after the slap
vudukungfu knew why an article wasn't very strict with grammar rules
Bootleg let us know just how dangerous isotonitazene is
Exluddite rewrote a Red Robin jingle after a customer got something bad on his salad
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat shared a problem that can occur when using a leash on a toddler
capn' fun described a carrying case designed for the loads of crap tactical survivalists endeavor to carry every day
jokerscrowbar illustrated the term "fat fark"
Snapper Carr had an opinion about Disney retroactively editing some violence out of "The Falcon and the Winter Soldier"
Huck And Molly Ziegler recognized a celebrity's secret Fark account

Smart:
foo monkey looked at how it was determined that secondhand bong smoke is worse than secondhand tobacco smoke
Magorn spotted a time traveler
Irving Maimway described how relaxing your guard against catching COVID-19 is "worth it"
Bootleg discussed a common misunderstanding about the term "white privilege"
Snapper Carr pointed out another thing to look at when comparing secondhand tobacco and pot smoke
gozar_the_destroyer warned us about the real dangers of smoking
Uzzah shared what it was like when a family member had aphasia

CSB Sunday Morning theme: Loophole abuse and bending the rules
Smart: Unobtanium tested the boundaries of the "one page of notes" rule
Funny: MythDragon was outsmarted by a 4-year-old

Politics Funny:
koder came up with a plan in case the U.S. is invaded
bighairyguy showed us what happened after Russian soldiers dug trenches near the Chernobyl nuclear power plant
Weatherkiss had an idea of who was responsible for an attack on a Russian fuel depot
Target Builder explained that explosions at a Russian ammo depot weren't really what they appeared to be
TypoFlyspray described what's so offensive about Republican leaders having cocaine-fueled sex parties

Politics Smart:
FuManchu7 thought that Vladimir Putin has a new thing he should be worried about
cherryl taggart explained how we know Russia media are lying about a battalion of U.S. Satanists arriving in Ukraine
Visual Howlaround Title Sequence started off a Ukraine discussion thread with some updates
Dusk-You-n-Me considered Tom Cotton's claim that Democrats want to force everyone to live in cities
SoupGuru aruged that Joe Biden is doing a good job responding to Russia's attack on Ukraine


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week

Photoshops:
bugdozer created a tattoo effect you don't see every day
RedZoneTuba found out that Clippy was a ripoff
bugdozer put the "poo" on Putin
Redwing wanted to find out how many angels can dance on a pen on a head
RedZoneTuba discovered that this guy will come out of his shell for a strawberry
Fiction Fan gave this ninja what it really wanted to eat
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave Flash Gordon's rocket ship an upgrade
Yammering_Splat_Vector learned that advertising works
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us the time that Herb Utsmelz met Rudy Giuliani
kabloink wasn't about to take any crap from an unruly triangle

Fartist Friday theme: Artwork using real potatoes
Peach_Fuz went all out and made us some real Farking potatoes

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: Show & Tell Vol. 17: Plants Edition. To celebrate "National Garden Month," show us a favorite artwork you've created (or create a new one for us!) where indoor/outdoor plants are the star, and Tell us the story behind the art's inspiration, materials, backstory. Share your photos, paintings, jewelry, poetry, etc. - any art medium! Difficulty: Art you haven't entered into our contest before. Be sure to tell us about your art.

Farktography theme: Food P*rn
dstanley was happy to see this contest theme


Fark Headlines of the Week

A selection of some of the top headlines from last week

FDA says if you are over 50 you can have a second booster, or if you're from Boston, borcester

[Florida tag] 👈🏻

Firefighters battle early morning blaze at bowling alley. Expect lane closures

What happens when babies are left to cry it out? Other than ending up on the same flight as me?

NFL mandates offensive minority hires

Star Trek greatest villains ranking list fails without J.J. Abrams

George R.R. Martin criticizes JRR Tolkien for resurrecting Gandalf, finishing series of books

Flash in the can

Will Smith was asked to leave the Oscars but slapped that idea down

Judge defeats Eastman, finally making things safe for the amazing Rando

In a sure sign the series is ending and the writers are lazily trying to tie all their random storylines together, the owner of the Fetus Lady's apartment is a Federalist Society member who clerked for Clarence Thomas

Two ugly-ass Giant Galapagos tortoises are born at a British zoo for the first time, hope to be born somewhere warmer the second time

Today is National Something on a Stick Day, so let's all take a moment to contemplate the ancient Roman execution method of crucifi--wait, I'm being told this is about food

Say Goodbye To Your Shiny Russian Heinies

Fish can perform addition and subtraction, which they probably learned in school


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz this week, and I think we've discovered that the solution to extremely large chicken breasts is to feed more people. On the Quiz itself, KumquatMay takes top honors with a score of 1019, followed by edmo and Sliding Carp in a tie for second with 1003 and tickets to the 1000 club where I'll be serving vanilla bean ice cream with pickled onions. Gravitationally Challenged made third with 977, skloon took fourth with 931, and Tax Boy rounds out the top five with 923. 

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was about Japanese baseball. Since taking the job managing the Nippon Ham Fighters, former NY Met and SF Giant Tsuyoshi Shinjo has made it his life's mission to put on a spectacle for the crowd. Only 23% of quiztakers caught the article about this year's home opener, where he decided to make his entrance to the stadium on a quadfan hovercraft. And yes, he actually wears "BIGBOSS" on his jersey. 

The easiest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about sapiosexuals and their particular turn-ons. 79% of quiztakers knew that this described people who are really into intelligent folks. Which I actually find disheartening, since as popular as this particular fetish is, I'm still single. Go figure. 

The hardest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about embezzlement by a restaurant manager in Jefferson County, PA. Only 30% of quiztakers caught the article about a Denny's manager depositing over $200,000 in checks to his personal account over the past few months. And yes, Denny's began in LA in 1953 as "Danny's Donuts" before switching to Danny's Coffee Shop in 1956 as they were selling more diner food than donuts. In 1959, to avoid confusion with LA chain Coffee Dan's, they changed again to  Denny's Coffee Shop before finally settling on Denny's in 1961.

The easiest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about NFL stadiums. 95% of quiztakers knew that the fire last week at Empower Field at Mile High was in Denver, CO, home of the Broncos. And yes, the elevation of the stadium is listed at exactly 5280 ft. above sea level, so the "Mile High" isn't just a clever name or a play on the legal weed in Colorado. 

If you missed out on the Quiz last week, it's a great time to catch up on the Fark Weird News Quiz now that you know a few of the answers. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again on Friday.

Drew is feeling shy this week or he's stuck in a tree or something, so there won't be a Fark News Livestream. Speaking of being stuck in a tree, let's talk about cats. I'll start.

So late one night, I was sitting outside on my balcony enjoying the cool air when I saw a cat trotting by. Another cat came zipping toward it and angrycatsounds! ensued. Their fur stood up and their backs arched and they threatened each other in Cat. I wanted to break it up, but I didn't want to be noisy because it was the middle of the night and I have neighbors who might not appreciate loudmonkeynoises in addition to the angrycatsounds. I have cat allergies, so I don't spend much time around them, so I was at a loss for what to do when suddenly I remembered something from the internet. "Pspsps," I said... and it worked! The startled cats instantly stopped mrowrrrrrRRRing at each other and their heads pivoted wildly as they looked for the pspspser. Then one darted away, and the second started to follow when I said "pspsps" again, then it took off in the other direction.

Thanks, internet!

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
chipaku felt some pity for a guy who was shot while attacking a couple who rescued him from drowning
Sin_City_Superhero demonstrated some philately knowledge
Sin_City_Superhero knew what would be at a community's "anal egg hunt"
Wanebo figured an altercation where a jet skier was killed happened at the sister camp of one featured in a horror franchise
foo monkey played the odds in a thread about cops punching a store owner who called them about a shoplifter
Firm Tautology told us the secret to living on less than $15 an hour
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat responded to the invitation to the "anal egg hunt"
SumoJeb made an exciting Discovery in a home listing
chipaku had a question about backing up black box data
Demetrius pointed out the problem with another Farker's comment about "the one person who uses Apple Maps"

Smart:
Wolfling shared a sad story about a friend struggling to get by
cameroncrazy1984 knew why GIF is pronounced "jif"
Gubbo argued that tornadoes are scarier than hurricanes
bostonguy discussed the lasting harm that bullying can cause
Mr. Shabooboo brought up one way to get bad cops out of policing
Gyrfalcon explained why a bunch of cops didn't seem sincere about their reason for refusing to leave a man's house
maxandgrinch was sad about the death of Taylor Hawkins of Foo Fighters
cherryl taggart shared some things that help when trying to get by on $15 an hour
Monual discussed Doja Cat's desire to leave music

Politics Funny:
TWX explained who Mike Godwin is
Mr. Coffee Nerves described the documents from Russia's Central Bank that were released by Anonymous
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That shot a more convincing basket than Charlie Kirk's
NewportBarGuy translated the equipment Ukraine captured from Russian forces
Thoreny thought that Azerbaijan had the right idea

Politics Smart:
Ishkur discussed the history of Supreme Court confirmation hearings
Warthog had a message for Donald Trump regarding a new lawsuit
Carter Pewterschmidt talked about Russia's trouble with getting parts for tanks
Jeff5 knew what to say about Trumpers making a POW flag for insurrectionists
cherryl taggart believed Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp had reasons other than the law for refusing to overturn his state's election results (here's what the comment is referring to)


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week

Photoshops:
samsquatch gave these rangers somewhere to release their energy
RedZoneTuba did a twist on the distracted boyfriend meme
Wrongo had distracted Pakistan Rangers
Wrongo ruined this flower
bugdozer dedicated a study room to a dad joke
RedZoneTuba greatly improved a creature from Star Wars
opalakea moved this ranger to a village
Circusdog320 needed a dermatologist
whatsupchuck created a questionable toothpaste
samsquatch drew a portrait of an esteemed physician

Captions:
From Caption this odd couple:
maxandgrinch combined the photo with a story that appeared on Fark
Heamer had a well-known message

Fartist Friday theme: Wildlife encounters
Ldrtchbrd was attacked by a moth

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: In honor of "National Tater Day" we'll make REAL LIFE artful creations using potatoes. Russet potato, Sweet potato, Mr. Potato Head, Tater tots, etc. Grab any kind of potato and get creative before chowing down. Show us your original made-in-real-life tater creations and remember, all votable entries must be newly-created especially for this contest.

Farktography theme: All the World's a Stage
This one ended in a tie between MorningBreath's Dead & Company and orionid's Trans-Siberian Orchestra


Fark Headlines of the Week

A selection of some of the top headlines from last week

The Merriam-Webster word of the day for March 20 is largesse. As in, "the snail put a largesse on his car so people would say, 'look at that s-car go'"

Fears of Ukraine wheat crop losses lead to shortage of instant noodles in Indonesia, although no direct link is found. We can assume that top ramen are on the case

Colorado Man soils self

The Merriam-Webster word of the day for March 23 is ostensible; as in: "Some think he tells the truth but most of us find pastor Joel ostensible shiatter"

Stephen Wilhite, inventor of the GIF, meets Jod

Supreme Court rules that pastor can lay hands on man being executed by lethal injection. Doesn't recommend it for those being electrocuted

Gay whale tangled in fetish gear prompts search by Devo. Wait, hang on, let me put my glasses on

Today would have been Marcel Marceau's 99th birthday. He fought, wind, walls, real Nazis and saved a Mel Brooks movie. No words

Someone attempts to pop Korn

Ukraine, where they bring nothing to a gunfight and still win

Don't know much about history. Don't know much biology. Don't know much about science book. Please elect me in the Georgia Senate race

Super callous reps in Mystic vote for act atrocious

Manipulating atomic motion could make metals stronger and bendier, eventually leading to the creation of an angry, beer-drinking robot

Russia launches Soyuz rocket with 'Z' painted on the side. Expected to reach orbit in four weeks towed by a Ukrainan tractor


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on last week's Quiz, where we enjoyed pickled onions and discovered there really aren't many gifs about them in the wild on the Internet. On the Quiz itself, spudbeach came out on top and gets a ticket to the 1000 club with a score of 1029, and a nice pickled onion topping for the homemade vanilla bean ice cream, patcarew made second with 981, followed by Denjiro in third with 955 and Two Dogs Farking in fourth with 941. ProfessorTerguson made 935 for fifth place, and Bear151556 makes it into the NNL with a score of 927.

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was about which critters are finally returning to the UK after being hunted to extinction nearly 500 years ago. On;y 43% of quiztakers caught the article about a pair of beavers that were recently given a plot of land on a riverbank in north London. I fully expect the Thames to be diverted through some posh neighborhood within a decade. FWIW, the population of stoats and red deer in the UK are both fairly strong and not in danger (although red deer are protected) 

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about the day job of DJ S-Sol, who can often be seen spinning tracks in high-end New York and Miami nightclubs and will soon appear at Lollapalooza. 65% of quiztakers knew that during the day, 60-year-old David Solomon was rocks the boardrooms as CEO of Goldman Sachs. Makes me think of Kelly Connel's "The World's First Yuppie Poet" character in "Cocktail", though from what I understand he's a pretty nice guy in person. 

The hardest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about where you can see Ginger Minj, Kornbread Jeté, and Kahmora Hall from "Ru Paul's Drag Race". Only 50% of quiztakers caught the article about them playing drag queen versions of the main characters from "Hocus Pocus" in the upcoming sequel. I'm optimistic about this one - it's written by Jen D'Angelo, who produced "Workaholics", so I'm expecting that style of humor. 

The easiest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about which political figure made a cameo as President of United Earth for the season finale of "Star Trek: Discovery". 90% of quiztakers caught the news about former Georgia House Minority Leader (and current gubernatorial candidate) Stacey Abrams making the cameo (and causing more than a few conservative heads to explode on Twitter). 

Also, I'd like to point out that only 83% of quiztakes got the Wheel of Fortune question right - 14% guessed "Renting a Paddle Boat", which was the original miss that threw the rest of the contestants off and resulted in some hilarious guesses. Personally, I've always called it a "paddle boat" myself, so I think the Wheel of Fortune producers are just wrong on this one. 

If you missed out on the Quiz last week (or want to learn how easy it is to make pickled onions), you can go catch up on the Quiz now that you know a few of the answers. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll do it all again on Friday.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone, hope your week's been well.

I'm not sure how the weather's been in your neck of the woods, but here in central Kentucky we're having one of the nicest Marches of the past five years.  I know this because five years ago I switched from playing soccer to outdoor cycling, and there hasn't been a March where I could get a ride in since back when I started.  Still no cure for the 15-20 mph winds, but at least it's been in the 60s temp-wise.  I've moved my home office out to the porch to take advantage.

Speaking of high winds, for folks living in Texas and Louisiana, it's been quite the week.  We've got some storm chaser videos queued up for 4 p.m. Thursday on the Fark News Livestream with me, Christine, Dill and Lucky.  We'll also have a slew of weird Ukrainian invasion sidebar news, along with the 20th anniversary of the weirdest movie review ever written, and the Butt Squad. Don't google that last one.  See you then!
________________________

End Drew transmission
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Squid_for_Brains introduced us to the term "redneck Vesuvius"
EvilEgg was up for a challenge
Jeff5 explained why a container ship might have to stay stuck for a while after running aground in Chesapeake Bay
Badmoodman considered how Tom Brady's un-retirement could affect the value of sports memorabilia
zez found something hidden in a real estate listing photo
Carter Pewterschmidt showed us around a tiny home that's listed for for sale for just over $1 million
Barnhawk72 helpfully captioned a photo of a fire at a Walmart distribution center in Indiana
aimtastic figured out why someone with a Ph.D. would apply to be an unpaid science professor
claytonemery must have some stories
Stephen_Falken won playing "Almost Pong"

Smart:
phalamir thought of reasons UCLA would post an unpaid professor position
dv-ous discussed rising gas prices
Straight Outta Wells Branch talked about what Deshaun Watson's trade says about the NFL and the Cleveland Browns
eurotrader shared information about cannabis use disorder
Ivo Shandor thought of one reason to take a job as an unpaid chemistry professor
Badmoodman chose to fill up at the pricier gas station
relaxitsjustme responded to the armorer for the movie "Rust" blaming the death of the cinematographer on Alec Baldwin
A Cave Geek discussed retirement

CSB Sunday Morning theme: Spring break stories
Smart: Someone Else's Alt had a spring break romance
Funny: rohar discovered that sometimes it matters what goes on your permanent record

Politics Funny:
Dr. DJ Duckhunt showed us Ted Cruz's famous Star Trek cameo
Jeff5 had an idea to mess with the "People's Convoy" truckers
Unobtanium knew how to use Russian generals' phone signals against them
NeoCortex42 had a branding idea for New Hampshire Governor Chris Sununu
Bukharin broke the news to Russia about the no-fly zone they set up over Donbass

Politics Smart:
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat spotted evidence of time travel
Notabunny considered Republican complaints about Stacey Abrams playing president of United Earth on "Star Trek: Discovery"
Ishkur discussed the history of Ukraine
Visual Howlaround Title Sequence told us about a famous person who raised money for Ukraine (more information here)
dhcmrlchtdj gave more information about how creepy and dangerous former Washington state Rep. Matt Shea is


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week

Photoshops:
samsquatch had to sit this one out
GoodDoctorB found out which people did the most damage to the ozone layer
Stephen_Falken had a gift for Ireland
Redwing chose a bad place to plant a tree
Yammering_Splat_Vector made a poster for lovers of unidentified flying cetaceans
samsquatch revealed the secret behind epaulets on military uniforms
Redwing had an idea that could bring Kmart back from the brink
jaylight2003 showed us Spider-Dog, the newest superhero
Redwing found that this bird still doesn't know the answer to an age-old question
RedZoneTuba knew that loyalty has its limits

Fartist Friday theme: Green artwork
RedZoneTuba showed us what Envy looks like

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: This week we immortalize our "Wildlife Encounters." Using only MS Paint/Draw-type programs or good old fashioned paper and pencils/markers/paints/etc., show us a memorable moment you had with creatures of the wild. All entries must be created specifically for this contest

Farktography theme: A-Round the Bend
orionid photographed the moon's big attention grab


Fark Headlines of the Week

A selection of some of the top headlines from last week

What should we use as a logo for the Women's Network? How about this penis?

Canadian town gives up part of its hockey facility to take donations for Ukraine. A Canadian town giving up part of a hockey facility is like a US town giving up its gun ranges

It's a rare occasion when a pastor refuses a donation of 1K, but here we are

Alligator interrupts team practice, judges the swim meat

Three men caught reselling stolen ceiling fans on Facebook Marketplace. Should have tried OnlyFans instead

Brady Favres

I never thought of having my mom email Drew to get something greenlit [your mom says hi -Drew]

Fox News reporter wounded in friendly fire incident

A reminder that Russia's retaliatory sanctions on the US include Democratic politicians but not Republicans. Well duh, you can't send money to sanctioned individuals

Russian generals sent to the front line to provide leadership, morale-boosting, and act as fodder figures

If cheeseburgers and steaks and milkshakes are the three worst foods shortening your life, just imagine how awesome three BEST foods are

Thanks for listening to my toad talk


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz this week, and I learned just how much I forgot about barbecuing over the winter. On the Quiz itself, DemonicGerbil came out on top and gets to sample my overcooked ribs in the 1000 club with his score of 1017, followed by TheMothership in second with 998 and ThomasPaineTrain in third with 965. Bear151556 made fourth with 943, and Grote-Man and BigChad tied for fifth with 941. 

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was about which company thought that making a two-carat diamond engagement ring out of their product would be a great publicity stunt. Only 39% of quiztakers caught the story about Hidden Valley and their ranch dressing diamond. Because nothing says "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you" like a diamond ring with someone else's vanity license plate engraved inside ("HVR LVR").

The easiest question on last week's Hard Quiz was about what you get by mixing three-year-old dead, decomposing fish with pickled onions, garlic, tamarin, and vinegar. 88% of quiztakers knew this was the recipe for Worcestershire sauce. The sauce actually has its roots (through several stops along the way) in garum, a sauce made from rotting fish that was the Frank's Red Hot (they put that $#!t on everything) of the Roman empire (and is even far older than that, but became universal in Roman times). 

The hardest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about the Spanish/Latin American dish pollo asado. Only 43% of quiztakers knew that "asado" means "roasted" or "barbecued". Pollo asado is simply seasoned chicken cooked on a grill. Traditionally this was a wood fire, but many restaurants nowadays use a gas grill for consistency. The best IMHO is the street vendors who use charcoal. FWIW, for the 57% of quiztakers who wanted chicken stewed in peppers and tomatoes, ask for "tinga" the next time you're in a Mexican restaurant. 

The easiest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about the new project starring Chiwetel Ejiofor in a role made famous by the late David Bowie. 94% of quiztakers recognized "The Man Who Fell to Earth" as the new project, taken from the 1963 novel by Walter Tevis - who, oddly enough, also wrote the novels that became the movies "The Hustler" and "The Color of Money" and the Netflix series "The Queen's Gambit". I don't know about you, but I'm ready for an alien to land on Earth and give us a little advice about all the stuff that's going wrong.  And maybe some tips on billiards and chess.

If you missed out on last week's Quiz, it's a great time to catch up on the Fark Weird News Quiz now that you know a few of the answers. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be back again with more Quiz goodness on Friday.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone, hope your week's been well.

Thursday at 4 p.m. ET it's the Fark News Livestream with Drew, Christine, Dill and Lucky.  This week's theme is going to be Stuff That Flew Under The Radar - there's a ton of it with the Ukraine eating up most of the news cycle.  We'll be covering the war as well.  Also I can't stop calling it The Ukraine even though that's incorrect terminology, just like I can't stop double spacing after punctuation when I type.  Been doing it too long to change now.

Headline of the month for February just closed, you guys had some awesome submissions - see the Headline of the Month winners here.  I picked my personal favorite ones to see if it lined up with the Fark Hive Mind voting, and it -kinda- did. The ones that didn't reflect my own personal preference, a couple of the ones I picked were -far- off the actual vote winners.  So it goes.  Hope you like them!

- Main
Reefer madness leads to penis badness

- Discussion
Dear Prudence, my stepdaughter keeps dressing and undressing in front of her dad. Please help. Sincerely, Melania

- Sports
Bengals planning to go dicks out upon winning the Super Bowl

- Business
Upset eekeepers are having all their ees stolen

- STEM
Apart from liking country music, what actually constitutes a mental illness?

- Entertainment
R. Kelly catches Covid-19, says he'd prefer Covid-16

- Fandom
Disney introduces idyllic planned community based on their timeless stories. Warning: your parents WILL be killed

- D'awww
Dog helps nurse a two-day old kitten back to health. Grateful kitten promises to murder the dog last

- Food
Adam Richman is back with a new series called "Adam Eats The '80s." Fortunately, this is about the decade, not nursing home inhabitants

- Politics
Florida Republicans propose "Election Police Force" to combat voter fraud, may next consider "Sasquatch State Guard" or "Unicorn Crime Victims Unit" to counter other perceived threats


________________________

End Drew transmission
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Bootleg explained what a "key party" is
FatherDale was familiar with the "the hostile bacchanalia" that a Kremlin spokesperson was complaining about
Diabolic described how a racing fan decorated his house
Xythero recognized the interior decorating theme of a house listed for sale
GardenWeasel showed someone who's interested in finding out more about a squirrel that was evacuated from Ukraine
Gordon Bennett described the search process used to find the wreckage of Sir Ernest Shackleton's ship Endurance
amigafin was upset to learn that some Walgreens stores are replacing refrigerator doors with screens that will show advertisements
grokca revealed Walgreens' real reason for replacing their fridge doors with screens
Ethertap has been out there making friends
Englebert Slaptyback gave us a reason to buy Land O'Lakes butter

Smart:
pastramithemosterotic had an idea about what could happen with video screens that replace refrigerator doors at Walgreens
phalamir discussed why cocaine might be laced with fentanyl
hobnail shared evidence that the director of "Black Panther" was right to try to be discreet while withdrawing a lot of cash from the bank
vudukungfu gave an example of why you might carry cash
MillionDollarMo: not a fan of cops
Jumpthruhoops told us about a coworker who had had enough of their employer's crap
Mad Scientist explained why finding the ship Endurance was a significant achievement

CSB Sunday Morning theme: "You'll never believe this, but there I was..."
Smart: vilesithknight had a legitimate UFO sighting
Funny: a_room_with_a_moose found out what you need to do if you ever run into Robert De Niro

Politics Funny:
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat let us know about one thing Queen Elizabeth II doesn't need
OdradekRex had a clever response to threats from Vladimir Putin
mrshowrules forgot to mention that Russian soldiers require food
namegoeshere noticed life imitating art
Naido figured out what would happen since major internet exchange points were disconnecting Russian providers

Politics Smart:
SpectroBoy noticed something changed on Fark (thanks to MillionDollarMo for suggesting it)
unixpro explained something that shouldn't need explaining
NuclearPenguins shared a story about an ectopic pregnancy and why it's extra stupid for legislation to try to limit medical intervention
eurotrader thought it was pretty strange who was demanding President Biden "stand up to Russia"
Carter Pewterschmidt shared with us that Queen Elizabeth is ready to fight off an army


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week

Photoshops:
Four of the top 10 Photoshops were from a contest to improve Colorado's new driver license design. Check out those entries from Mojongo, RedZoneTuba, Stephen_Falken and jdh
Yammering_Splat_Vector mashed up a mashup
Terrapin Bound made a silly puppet
bugdozer saw a bad moon on the rise
Yammering_Splat_Vector hoped for a peaceful end to March
bugdozer made a stone sign about a rock opera
bugdozer showed that a giant anteater will go to great lengths to protect her young

Fartist Friday theme: Odes to our favorite breakfasts
west.la.lawyer wrote about the amazing versatility of oatmeal

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: To celebrate St. Patrick's Day this week we'll show off the color Green. Create for this contest artwork where Green is the star of the show. All art mediums allowed including Photoshop, MS Paint/Draw, painting, pen & paper, etc., and all contest entries must be created especially for this contest.

Farktography theme: Wildlife
Circusdog320 won this contest with a stunning view of some redneck hummingbird


Fark Headlines of the Week

A selection of some of the top headlines from last week

Over 100 Irish households offer to take in war-torn Ukrainian refugees so they can live in the war zone of an Irish family instead

Fark.ru captured by Ukrainian agents and smuggled out of Eastern Europe

The postman only shoots once

Pirates of the Siberian

March 8 is National Proofreading Day, so go out and celebate

Fark.com announces site redesign

Dickless Russian forces shut down the Chernobyl containment grid

David Bakhtiari curses out NFL reporter for making his wedding all about Aaron Rodgers, which, to be fair, Bakhtiari did himself by inviting Aaron Rodgers

Woman sues Jerry Jones, claiming he's her father. Says there's definitely a family resemblance as she hasn't won a Super Bowl in 27 years either

Emilio Delgado, Luis on "Sesame Street," dies of blood cancer. His age was brought to you by the numbers 8 and 1

Russians find Hunter Biden's laptop in Ukraine

Missouri introduces the Fugitive Slave Act for abortions

U.S. closes door on sending Jets to Ukraine, and seriously, who thought sending a team that went 4 and 13 last season was a good idea in the first place?

No Fry Zone

CVS fires employees, executives after finding more sexual harassment claims than they can fit on a normal receipt

Why aren't capes a thing anymore? Not the superhero kind. The warm kind. Like, it's really cold so I'm just going to wear this blanket on top of everything else

Drinking wine with meals associated with lower risk of type 2 diabetes. Drinking wine without meals associated with higher risk of Fark

Highly unpossible as I don't even bleach mine

Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on last week's Quiz, and since the snow has thawed we're no longer looking to find and incarcerate the dang groundhog. On the Quiz itself, rick42 came out on top with a score of 1010 and a pass into the 1000 club just in time for corned beef and cabbage tomorrow, followed by  Firststepsadoozie in second with 994 with HighwayBill just behind with 993. spudbeach made fourth with 984, and DemonicGerbil made it into the top five with 938. 

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was about a recall of Moët & Chandon champagne across Europe. Only 30% of quiztakers caught the article about drug smugglers dumping the expensive hooch and re-sealing the bottles after filling them with a liquid form of MDMA, also known as the party drug Ecstasy. Oddly enough, no one seems to be returning their purchases for a refund.

The easiest question on last week's Hard Quiz was about the location of the Sessho-seki rock that recently split open, unleashing a nine-tailed fox demon onto the Earth that had been imprisoned there since the 12th Century. 81% of quiztakers knew the rock was in Japan, where apparently they imprison demons in rocks instead of oil lamps or old paintings. My guess is the producers of Sonic the Hedgehog 2 thought they could save a few bucks on the CGI for Tails, but good luck getting the demon to cooperate. 

The hardest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about Canadian bacon, that stuff you ask for on a pizza in the US and they just say "yeah, sure," and put ham on instead. Only 59% of quiztakers knew that it's made from the loin of the pig, that cut of meat along the backbone - which is why Bob and Doug called it "back bacon." Definitely a better flavor than hog jowl, aka "face bacon."

The easiest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about the character of Hercule Poirot. 97% of quiztakers recognized the detective character from the works of Agatha Christie, now portrayed by Kenneth Branagh in movies such as Murder on the Orient Express and Death on the Nile. Branagh has now moved on to portraying Boris Johnson in the British series This Sceptered Isle, so I think that's a testament to his thespiatic range. I wouldn't mind seeing him as Johnson trying to solve a murder, though. 

If you missed out on last week's Quiz, be sure to catch up on the Fark Weird News Quiz now that you know a few of the answers. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be back again on Friday for more Quiz goodness.

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A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone, hope your week went well.

Laptop's back from surgery, which means I've been playing catch up all week.  A couple folks asked what the problem was, it was Mac keyboard issues.  Specifically, the D key was failing, which is a problem for someone with a D in their name.  So I had to get my D fixed.  The good news is, my D is back in working order.  I hear this problem will happen again to me later in life but in a different way.

On Tuesday mornings I do a few local radio shows around the US. One of them asked me this week how I tell misinformation from information with regards to the Russian invasion of Ukraine. Obviously I'm not perfect or trained in this, but I do have a framework that I use which folks might find helpful.  This isn't a list that will tell you 100% what is and isn't true, but it will nudge your confidence levels up and down the true/false scale.

- Would I want this to be true?  If so, it's important to be extra careful when vetting new information.  We're all blind to the things we want.

- Would someone else want this to be true?  Even though I might not be the intended target, could the misinformation be targeted toward other folks' confirmation bias.  The Ghost of Kyiv is a great example, I had a couple friends who were very much infatuated with the story - which was a great story to be sure, but not true.

- Could this even be plausible?  The Ghost of Kyiv definitely failed this test - there's no way there's a Canadian or American with a spare MIG-29 lying around who also has access to ordinance and their own private airfield that no one's been able to locate. Unless it's run by British puppets from the 1960s, that is.

- Who's verifying this stuff?  I've been following a list of Ukraine experts put together by Josh Marshall over at Talking Points Memo which is pretty helpful - especially since they don't all agree with each other.  When a bunch of these folks pop up and confirm something at the same time, that's a good sign.  However, sometimes everyone still gets something wrong in the same way.

- Is this a lie someone would actually make up?  Most lies are pretty basic, for example Ukraine says 11,000 Russian troops have been killed while Russia says 1,500 have.  Are either of these true?  I doubt it.  I also have no way of knowing for sure.  Are these lies someone would actually make up?  Definitely - both sides in a war would want to overstate their situation.  However, whenever I see a story that's particularly weird, I start to hedge that it's probably true.  Especially when an unnecessarily weird detail pops up in a longer piece.  Years ago, I forget when and who, someone published a longform article that was supposed to be a candid interview with an anonymous GOP operative who was speaking their mind.  Lots of folks questioned whether the piece was true. I don't have any confirmation it was true, but I think it was due to a very odd detail that was included in the much larger piece - that members of Congress, GOP and some Democrats as well, were super angry with Nancy Pelosi because she "screwed up the congressional cafeteria" by getting metal silverware banned. It was a throwaway detail, but if I'm going to tell a bunch of lies about how things work behind the scenes, that's not a lie I'd include or even think to include.  Could still be a lie but my point is, there are way better lies than that.

A couple of business items: We have just concluded voting on January 2022 Headline of the Month - go check out the winners!  We're going to roll straight into February 2022 Headline of the Month because that was the first thing I processed once I got my laptop back earlier this week. You may notice that the number of candidate headlines vary from month to month - you would be correct that is definitely the case.  When I select candidates I'm not shooting for any particular number - if it's funny, it qualifies.  Some months are funnier than others.  The Politics Tab in particular can have some long dry spells.  So it goes.

This Thursday at 4 p.m. Eastern it's the return of the Fark News Livestream.  Mostly weird Ukraine war stories, plus other strangeness.  And possibly a special guest!  I won't announce who it is until they've confirmed and it might be last minute.  And it might be just me and Dill, who knows?  Tune in to find out.
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End Drew transmission
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Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Smirky the Wonder Chimp discussed the different risk levels based on where you are in the blast radius of a nuclear bomb
Ponzholio considered a man telling his wife they'd save surrogacy money if he impregnated her sister "the traditional way"
NateAsbestos disagreed with someone who hated a movie enough to watch it more than once
Diabolic found who's most upset about a strange crash in Ukraine
mr_fulano noticed that this porch swing is a trap
Straight Outta Wells Branch knew how to stay safe in the event of a nuclear attack
Andy Andy figured that a husband who schemed to save money on a surrogate had a secret
Mr. Coffee Nerves knew what's been going on in a house with themed rooms
The Pope of Manwich Village had a hand in making thousands of babies
JerkStore explained why it's dangerous to steal catalytic converters

Smart:
Sin_City_Superhero decided to play it safe after learning that light-to-moderate drinking has negative effects on the brain
lindalouwho had bad news for Fark's raison d'être
JessieL waded into the continental debate
turboke had an argument either for or against wired headphones, depending on your point of view
Psychopusher argued that getting wired lasts longer than loose buds
mr_fulano noticed that this porch swing is a trap

CSB Sunday Morning theme: Job interviews
Smart: Creoena had a job interview that contained some red flags
Funny: Omnivorous demonstrated some quick thinking

Politics Funny:
GardenWeasel helpfully translated from Russian to English
Driedsponge explained the requirements for European Union membership in response to markie_farkie's question
khitsicker considered a possible connection between Roger Stone and Joel Greenberg, Matt Gaetz's friend who pled guilty to sex trafficking of a minor
Notabunny wondered about what kind of equipment Ukrainians are using to fight off Russians
oldernell put Russia's attack on the Ukrainian people in perspective

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
lordjupiter rewrote the 1976 song "Convoy" for current events

Politics Smart:
gunga galunga added to a prediction about fascism in America
fragMasterFlash thought one more country needed to do their part to get Russia out of Ukraine
Recoil Therapy discussed possible reasons why the convoy hadn't been bombed yet. I mean the 40-mile-long Russian military one near Kyiv, not the U.S./Canadian trucker convoy complaining about being asked to take advantage of an extraordinary, life-saving medical accomplishment
Algebrat shared an update on an elderly relative from Kyiv on Thursday, and another update on Monday
From Philly to Boston did the math on Ben Shapiro appearing three times on a recent list of top 10 Facebook posts


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week

Photoshops:
west.la.lawyer made "Saturday Night Fever" hotter
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us that Grumpy Cat was reincarnated as a fennec fox
katod heard you like subways
Wrongo found a Little Bad Fox who liked to huff and puff
west.la.lawyer feared the psycho queen
Redwing showed us how athletes cheat in the shooting parts of the Winter Olympics biathlon race
Snubnose discovered a fun way to get home after a girls' night out
derfiticulum knew how to really make a cottage that looks like a UFO
samsquatch revealed the real reason the Duke and Duchess of Sussex moved to America
bugdozer introduced us to Yoda's cousin

Fartist Friday theme: Show & Tell Vol. 16
RedZoneTuba showed off a flattering deck pic

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: In honor of "National Oatmeal Nut Waffles Day" (for real), we'll pen odes to our favorite breakfast foods. Bacon, cereal, avocado toast, maybe even some waffles. Write a haiku, limerick, free verse, sonnet, etc. All votable entries must be newly-created especially for this contest.

Farktography theme: Opposites Attract
This one ended in a three-way tie between BecauseISaidSo's Peace Bullets, BecauseISaidSo's Caged Wilderness, and Nuclear Monk's Refreshing Pool


2022 Fark Fiction Anthology Submission Information (brought to you by toraque)

The Seventh Annual Fark Fiction Anthology is open for submissions! This is a charity event a group of Farkers run every year to benefit St. Jude Children's Research Hospital by collecting the best short fiction that the brilliant minds of writers here on Fark can deliver and publishing on Amazon in both ebook and trade paperback editions. Ever wanted to see your name in print? I mean, other than that time you made the newspaper for that thing with the dog, the hula hoops, and the air compressor? Now's your chance!

We're looking for short, less than 10,000 word fiction submissions in the following genres:
Fantasy!
Science Fiction!
Humor!
Horror!
Suspense/mystery/thriller!

(And if you have a great story that doesn't fit into any of those, send it in any way! We'll find a way to make it work!)

All proceeds will go to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, so you can share your wit and brilliance with the world for a good cause!

The 2022 Fark Fiction Anthology Submissions Page


Fark Headlines of the Week

A selection of some of the top headlines from last week

Dressed up like a million-dollar trooper / Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper (super-duper) / Fears of unified Europe becomes self-fulfilling, nothing in your mitts / Putin on the fritz

Canada to ban crude oil imports from Russia. Polite oil imports still allowed

Now I have a thermobaric weapon. Ho-Ho-Ho

According to Anonymous, Bitcoin will soon be tanking

Wisconsin woman re-decorates home with partner

Police respond to 911 calls about six to eight toddlers that escaped from day care and were resisting a rest

♫ I read the news today, oh boy ♫ 3,000 holes in Trump's new border fence ♫ And thought the holes were rather small, ICE had to fix them all ♫ Now they know how many holes it takes to fill an asshat's wall ♫

I guess the purpose of the Hall of Fame is, after all, to keep all the busts in one place

"The Shining" as an opera. It ain't over 'til the thin lady screams

Russia Today, gone tomorrow

S&P downgrades Russia's sovereign credit rating to "ССС-." There's a P joke in there somewhere

Nyetflix

The best ghost towns in all 50 states. Sounds like a road trip for you and your boo

Hey everybody, Quetzalcoatl's back


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz last week, and I'm glad to say my corned beef brine worked out much better this time. On the Quiz itself, Xanadone came out on top with 1004 and a ticket to the 1000 Club, followed by mrs. badcrumble in second with 958 and Booklet in third with 940. Tax Boy and Hassan Ben Sobr tied for fourth with 934, with DemonicGerbil right behind in fifth place with 933.

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was about which soda brand is getting a "Nitro" version. Only 22% of quiztakers caught the article about how Pepsi has decided that what its drinkers needed was nitrogen. The new Pepsi Nitro will include a tiny nitrogen capsule that will infuse the gas into the beverage when the can is opened, similar to Guinness Draught, Still a bit unsure about why they didn't go the Mountain Dew route and just stick booze in it. Seems simpler.

The easiest question on last week's Hard Quiz was about what dessert you might be likely to have in the days leading up to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. 84% of Quiztakers knew that the yeast brioche topped with green, gold, and purple sugar was called a King Cake. For the record, Tarte Tatin consists of caramelized fruit baked on a lite crust, and clafoutis is baked berries and flan on a flaky crust. Or it might be something you need to ask your doctor about, a little unclear on that one. 

The hardest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about a new movie tie-in promo. Only 51% of quiztakers knew that Dave Grohl had somehow convinced Molson Coors to produce Coors Almighty Light to help get more butts in seats for Studio 666. The fact that the brew is "blessed by a non-denominational minister" makes me wonder if a priest just Zoomed in and someone held an iPad over the water tank, but still, that's more than most beers give you. I mean, all of these religions like to focus on blessing wine, but few bless beer. No word on its usefulness in warding off evil, but Amen, I guess. 

The easiest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about which Batman villain didn't get his traditional cigarette holder in the new Sparkly Batman movie. 97% of quiztakers recognized Oswald Cobblepot as the real name of The Penguin, possibly because1992's Batman Returns. was required viewing for Generation X. I think nearly all of us had it on VHS next to our copy of Independence Day. 

If you missed out on last week's Quiz, now's a great time to catch up on the Fark Weird News Quiz since you know a few of the answers. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll do it all again this week.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone, hope your week went well.

Been a busy week for the news cycle with all the everything that's going on.  Meanwhile, my laptop's been down for repairs and I feel like I'm flying blind mostly.  It also means I was unable to process the Fark Headlines of the Week. I'll catch up when the laptop is back.

Not sure if we'll have the Fark News Livestream this week - it'll be a game time decision.  Depends on laptop repairs and whether or not I can scramble to assemble enough material before 4 p.m. tomorrow.  Keep an eye out just in case.
________________________

End Drew transmission
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Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
patrick767 knew how to take a costume from the '80s and make it relevant today
Pocket Ninja took issue with some purported facts in a Fark headline
bearded clamorer was unsurprised by what a man did with his wiener after cutting it off
fragMasterFlash wanted to augment a product called The Brow®, which is a visor worn like sunglasses
FrancoFile described the painstaking process used to make Daniel Radcliffe look like "Weird Al" Yankovic
Jesus McSordid explained that a teacher was correct in stating that it's impossible for one pizza to be larger than another pizza
Combustion felt protective of Mia Khalifa
KRSESQ was surprised to learn something new about Bernie Madoff
aleister_greynight recognized a 1980s costume model
The Pope of Manwich Village let us know what this strange fish-man was singing

Smart:
KCBlueGal updated us on Hank the foster pup
Ragin' Asian considered what could've prevented vital 3G devices losing service when carriers switch to 5G
Harry Wagstaff is still owed a point on a grade school exam
HugeMistake had advice for the thousands of Farkers who're currently working out the terms of huge movie deals
bloobeary predicted what life will be like for those who choose to wear The Brow®
Earguy discussed what happened in the case of the retired cop who got away with killing another man in a movie theater
paulleah shared a story about a school making silly rules about how a child could get to school

CSB Sunday Morning: Second chances
Smart: Hankie Fest passed up a chance to join the circus
Funny: No (real) funny stories this week

Politics Funny:
nquadroa handled a complaint about a Fark headline
CarnySaur wasn't sure that a tweet from the Latvian Minister of Foreign Affairs was properly translated
thatguyoverthere70 explained why Donald Trump tried to keep the January 6 committee from obtaining his White House records
cretinbob was confused by I Ate Shergar's observation about "the line after which the point of no return begins"
BumpInTheNight was fed up with people fishing for funny votes

Politics Smart:
Weaver95 wondered how economic restrictions on Russia will affect certain Americans
markie_farkie suggested America and allies should go shopping
eurotrader agreed with Mitch McConnell
Warthog discussed how Vladimir Putin farked up
NobleHam countered the mistaken belief that all murders are hate crimes


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week

Photoshops:
Terrapin Bound advertised a company to think about after you see the judge
RedZoneTuba worked out a cushy endorsement deal for this former player
GoodDoctorB played with these beachgoers
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us a 6,000-foot-tall fire squid without its Michael suit
RedZoneTuba discovered what squirrels do in the park
Redwing walked sillily at the seashore
RedZoneTuba celebrated the Munich Agreement
slimebarfer found out that the Fark squirrel ended up in a retirement home
Yammering_Splat_Vector's MLB uniform ad was appropriate and also wildly inappropriate
samsquatch showed that "Futurama" made an accurate prediction

Fartist Friday: Everyday things that look like UFOs
RedZoneTuba created a diversion

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: Show & Tell Vol. 16. SHOW us your favorite artwork you've created and TELL us the story behind its inspiration, materials, backstory, etc. Share with us your photos, paintings, jewelry, poetry - any art medium! Difficulty: Art you haven't entered into our contests before. Be sure to tell us about your art!

Farktography: Happy Accidents
This one was a tie, with Squid_for_Brains capturing an epic catbeard and orionid gave us a bright view through the mist


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz last week, where we learned that soil samples are not always the best assessment of a farm's viability. On the Quiz itself, mrs. badcrumble came out on top with 947, followed by Priapetic in second with 934 and SoundOfOneHandWanking in third with 920. FormlessOne made fourth with 918, and richh99 rounds out the top five with 905. 

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was about a recall of Skyline Chili, that cornerstone of every nutritious breakfast. Only 20% of quiztakers caught the article about the mislabeling at the factory and knew that some of those cans might contain something closer to actual sustenance than the label implied, that being Cream of Chicken soup. I mean, I can only imagine the look of abject horror on the faces of the consumers when they hit the can opener and are confronted with such a thing that they wouldn't even feed their pets who literally lick their own anuses. But I can certainly imagine the relief felt by the ones who got chicken soup instead. 

The easiest question on last week's Hard Quiz was about the historical significance of the Amache site near Grenada in Colorado. 77% of quiztakers knew that this was the site of one of the Japanese internment camps during WWII.  For what it's worth, the 1956 Chinese Confession Program ran by the FBI was administered through FBI headquarters in Washington, DC, and the westernmost part of the Trail of Tears is in Oklahoma,

The hardest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about the newest Coca-Cola flavor. Only 61% of quiztakers knew that you can soon get your hands on some raspberry flavored Coca-Cola Starlight before posting your mandatory good review of it so you won't face being cut off on social media. No word yet on Vought International's impending lawsuit or who thought the risk of facing down Homelander was worth it. 

The easiest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about Spaghetti Carbonara, which I'm pretty sure a really drunk 18th Century Italian guy invented when he came home late one night with the munchies and tossed random stuff out of his cold storage into to his frying pan. 88% of quiztakers knew that the main ingredients of spaghetti carbonara are spaghetti noodles and cured pork meat, such as bacon. And of course we put cheese on it because that's how you know it's a successful Italian import. 

If you missed out on last week's Quiz, you should definitely catch up on the Fark Weird News Quiz now that you know a few of the answers. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again on Friday.

Last Friday was the FIFTEENTH anniversary of an oft-referenced, much-loved epic Fark thread: the "It's a streetlight" thread. It's a personal favorite of mine because it's truly beautiful to watch it unfold as the submitter goes through the five stages of grief.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

If the above description looks familiar, it's because it's adapted from a Fark NotNewsletter from six years ago for the streetlight thread's ninth anniversary. Somebody mentioned the streetlight thread on Twitter last week, so I looked it up and realized its 15th anniversary was coming up. And on that note, be sure to check out the topic for this week's Fartist Friday contest when you scroll down. 🛸

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey

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A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone, hope your week went well.

Been a little busy lately with all the Russia stuff going on. Most of it is inside baseball but tl;dr things are getting hairy. I'm going to do a longer recap on the Fark News Livestream Thursday at 4 p.m.  It's been especially fun because Russia's eight hours off Eastern time.  By the way - did you know Fark has an admin who lives in Europe?  For him, our overnight is his morning and afternoon.  He's been running things for over a decade now. So rest assured if news breaks in the wee hours of the morning, we'll have it.

Speaking of the Fark News Livestream - 4 p.m. Thursday it's me, Christine, Dill, and Lucky with all the weirdest news of the week.  We'll touch on Ukraine but then veer off into the very dumbest news roundup this side of RT's domestic war coverage
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End Drew transmission
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Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
dammit just give me a login explained what it means when 2000 guns are stolen in Ontario
God-is-a-Taco thought that articles about NBC's Olympics coverage were missing important information
HighOnCraic revealed the real reason a family and their nanny were kicked off a British Airways flight
Al Roker's Forecast figured out what caused a cargo ship carrying Porsches and Volkswagens to catch fire
ryebread momentarily forgot what an article was about
JerseyTim pointed out the worst part about a priest messing up your baptism by getting one word wrong
DannyBrandt gave a compliment
ArkPanda requested clarification about a stolen truckload of guns
Abe Vigoda's Ghost revealed what a ferry passenger was thinking as a wave smashed the windows and flooded the cabin
ThomasPaineTrain made plans to care for everyone on Fark

Smart:
psychosis_inducing took a guess at why fewer people watched the Olympics this year
cnocnanrionnag described our strategy against COVID-19
Graffito commented on an ex-cop shooting and killing a man for throwing popcorn
HugeMistake thought that perhaps Ryanair shouldn't do the "not my job" thing when it comes to checking boarding passes
bingethinker analyzed the value of sobriety checkpoints
The queen couldn't be bothered to take time out for Carter Pewterschmidt
Theaetetus took a look at confirmed and estimated U.S. deaths from COVID-19 so far
Coco LaFemme discussed Russian figure skater Kamila Valieva being allowed to compete after testing indicated she was skatin' dirty

CSB Sunday Morning: What is the best pizza you have ever had?
Smart: Pista shared a photo and a partial recipe
Funny: The Pope of Manwich Village's mom made a bunch of pathetic frozen pizzas fun

Politics Funny:
EnzoTheCoder revealed the list of donors who funded "Freedom Convoy 2022" in Canada
felching pen asked a question about the legal complexities of waving your white underwear in the air since "cops cannot touch you if you are holding a white flag" under "international law"
moulderx1 recited the Canadian Miranda rights
offacue reacted to David Hogg's reply to J.D. Vance's complaint about mask mandates in schools
Cafe Threads thought another Farker should do more than just complain about something

Politics Smart:
HighOnCraic considered what might have made Greg and Travis McMichael think it was fine for them to trespass on private property
Gordon Bennett figured this isn't the first time certain people decided they'd be happy in Paraguay
scottydoesntknow examined the Trump family's lawyers' argument that NY AG Letitia James is biased against the Trumps
Purple_Urkle responded to Charlie Kirk's claim that "the NFL is now the league of sexual anarchy"
Three Crooked Squirrels looked at the argument some nitwit made at a school board meeting that kids should learn about the point of view of a Black Confederate soldier named Hulk Lawyer


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba combined some space robots
Yammering_Splat_Vector did the "distracted boyfriend" meme
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave Star Wars the Tom Hanks that it was missing
samsquatch tossed the dough onto an offensively-stereotyped character from our childhoods
Octafrye made new uniforms for this doubles luge team
Yammering_Splat_Vector stole this guy's dog
RedZoneTuba found the least popular guy in this crowd
GoodDoctorB showed us a scene from a new episode of "Beavis and Butt-Head"
RedZoneTuba changed an Ewok in such a way that it's hard to decide if it's better or worse
Yammering_Splat_Vector bought this tire from ACME

Fartist Friday: Create a scene showing a Ferris Wheel used in an unusual way
kabloink invented the contraption that pudding was missing

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: We're celebrating the recent 15th anniversary of the epic It's A Streetlight thread. We'll create art that features UFOs as everyday things that look mighty suspect. All art mediums allowed, including Photoshop, MS Paint/Draw, painting, pen and paper, etc., and all contest entries must be created especially for this contest.

Farktography: Rocks 2
MorningBreath photographed a very attractive cave


Fark Headlines of the Week

A selection of some of the top headlines from last week

Sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye, four-hundred twenty blackbirds crash from the sky

"Water cremation" can turn less affluent into effluent, effectively affecting views on end-of-life planning

Athol man charged with athaulting polithe on January thixth by gaining control of a polithe thield and uthing it to ram law enforthement offitherth while thcreaming 'traitor' and 'treathon'

The argument that got the Russian figure skater reinstated was that her grandfather regularly takes medicine containing the banned substance and she must have "inadvertently" been exposed to it. Sure, that makes sense IF SHE WAS DRINKING HIS BLOOD

Disney introduces idyllic planned community based on their timeless stories. Warning: your parents WILL be killed

Sen. Josh Hawley generates a lot of his revenue from fisting

Coinbase spent $14M on a Super Bowl ad of a bouncing QR code that didn't work. It's the world's first antiviral marketing campaign

Icahn has cheeseburger?

It's 306 tequilas different

Drew Curtis has a lab which studies pathological lying, beliefs and attitudes toward deception, psychomythology of psychopathology, and myths in abnormal psychology. Sad: No beer tasting or how to get drunk fast. Damnit Drew

Bridge builders become blade runners


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz this week, and I'm now halfway to my goal of a Reuben sandwich, now less than two weeks away. On the Quiz itself, coscausticevil came out on top with a score of 1031, followed by Denjiro in second with 1001 and groppet in third with 960. ProfessorTerguson made fourth with 933, and Bruce Campbell vs Army of Farkness made fifth with 927.

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was about that wacky language they speak in the Louisiana bayou and in Quebec  and how it drifts into English at times when we culturally appropriate it and make it mean something different. Only 33% of quiztakers knew that a "billet-doux", a phrase that literally means "sweet note", has come to mean "love letter" in English. It probably has something to do with how everything in French sounds to Americans like the speaker is trying to seduce someone or something, and so Americans coming across old French pastry recipes and maple syrup shipping manifests assumed they were romantic in nature.

The easiest question on last week's Hard Quiz was about the computer that beat grandmaster Gary Kasparov in a chess match back in 1996. 85% of wuiztakers knew that the wacky nerds at IBM had named their computer Deep Blue after the company's affinity for the color. Or more likely that decision came from higher up when the nerds wanted to call it "Barbabra". FWIW, "Deep Thought" was the computer in charge of answering the Ultimate Question in "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". and "Deep Horizon" was the oil spill that had its own Twitch stream back in 2010. (okay, that was "Deepwater", but still). 

The hardest question on last week's Easy Quiz was over the new "Jurassic World" film. Only 55% of quiztakers knew it was getting the subtitle "Dominion". This leads me to expect velociraptors in leather harnesses and Chris Pratt in a latex suit with strategic zippers to go along with shirtless Jeff Goldblum, so they better not let me down. 

The easiest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about which company now owned Wordle and is coming up with these silly words. 98% of quiztakers knew that The New York Times had paid creator Josh Wardle a cool $1 million for the rights to the puzzle, which is pretty cool when you realize it was just something he made to amuse his  partner during the pandemic. Another fun fact: he now works for MSCHF, the "art collective" that designed Lil Nas X's Satan Shoes. So we might be seeing him again on Fark.

If you missed out on the Quiz last week, take a minute to catch up on the Fark Weird News Quiz now that you know a few of the answers. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll do it all again this Friday.