________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone - the newsletter got delayed because a bunch of backend stuff happened.  It's all fixed now, but we were hoping to launch a new feature - given the time constraints, we're going to punt it to next week.  

As for the situation on our end, industry-wide digital media revenues are still down 50%-70%, which sucks because traffic is up 20-25%.  

Tl;dr: If you can afford it right now, we need you to subscribe to TotalFark or BareFark, or purchase some Farks2Give asap.  

Someone in a thread asked me how it's even possible to have traffic up and revenues down - the reason is because when economic distress hits, the first thing companies do is slash marketing and advertising budgets to zero.  Display ads work on a bidding system, the highest bidders' ads get displayed.  So if the bottom drops out of display demand, ads win the bid at much lower rates than usual.  So revenue down is the result.  Traffic is up because everyone's bored at home, but on much lower ad revenue.

It's not just Fark having this problem, it's literally all digital media companies.  From this summary posted on Axios yesterday: 

"Vice Media has laid out a plan for potential layoffs of over 300 people in digital operations, according to The Wall Street Journal. It would be joining Group Nine Media, BuzzFeed, Vox Media, Bustle Digital Group, Cheddar, Maven Media, G/O Media, Protocol and others who have resorted to layoffs and furloughs."  

The article states that most companies are looking at a shortfall of about 30%, I would add that those projections assume the ad market recovers sometime before the end of the year.  I'm not making any such assumptions on our end.  The last time ad revenues cratered in 2008, revenues didn't recover for 18 months.  If revenues come back sooner, that will be a pleasant surprise, but I can't afford to assume anything.  

Since we sounded the alarm, we've had 1,500 new TotalFark signups and about 1,000 new BareFark signups - thank you so much!  Subscriptions will carry us through this, so if you haven't signed up for TotalFark or BareFark yet and you can swing it, now would be a fantastic time to do so.  And don't forget, you can also purchase Farks2Give.

On this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, we interview my good friend Brooke Binkowski, currently a journalist at TruthOrFiction.com, formerly of Snopes.  She's pretty much a conspiracy theory connoisseur, and we contacted her to help us round up all of the dumbest conspiracy theories and where they originated.  She has a very interesting conclusion about what's driving them.  

Also, my friend Dallan and I have been livestreaming pretty much daily Tuesday-Friday on Twitch at Twitch.tv/drewcurtis.  Dallan is a video and audio wiz who suggested livestreaming might be a thing to do during the pandemic, and so far it's been a lot of fun.  In that half an hour or so, we take the entire news cycle for the day and crush it into the important stuff you need to know, the important stuff no one is seeing, the stuff no one needs to know, the stuff I had to see and now you do also, and cat videos.  Come check it out if you get the chance.  As an added bonus, Friday we'll be having a watch party for the North Korean movie "Pulgasari," which while nowhere as good as "Parasite," is historic in its own right due to a fairly insane backstory involving kidnapping and international intrigue.  And I won't be doing this sober, either. 

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
ThatGuyFromTheInternet described what happened in a video of a car in Poland going airborne in a roundabout
DeadGeek thought a video of a flying car might go a different way
Calypsocookie expected a divine message
FNG had a serious point to make about the Ballsack Conundrum
fark account name pointed out that there's still something to eat even if there's a problem with the food supply
Dead for Tax Reasons shared a nursery rhyme with a surprise twist
SuburbanCowboy knew who was responsible for some scary driving
Demetrius agreed with someone who wanted his kids to get coronavirus
bdub77 let us know what some vultures spotted flying over Manhattan were discussing
grokca explained why a bunny is the symbol of Easter

Smart:
Demetrius agreed with someone who wanted his kids to get coronavirus
NeoCortex42 pointed out more medical misinformation Oprah Winfrey has promoted in the past
SpecialSnowFlake named more "negatives of living in a rural community"
GardenWeasel noticed something familiar about churches encouraging their members to continue crowding into churches
Bennie Crabtree discussed lesser-known ways COVID-19 attacks the body
Herbie555 shared personal experience showing that the 1978 "Superman" movie can still be enjoyed by new audiences
ecmoRandomNumbers figured that there's another way in which certain people in NYC are looking to capitalize on the pandemic
hobnail had a theory on why the Easter Bunny was created
Ambivalence had a question for people who are willing to risk getting COVID-19 just to go to church
OK So Amuse Me's life was changed by the Ballsack Conundrum thread

CSB Sunday Morning: Social closeness
Smart: The Pope of Manwich Village had a perfect start to Y2K
Smart (honorable mention): harleyquinnical shared a story about simply feeling accepted
Funny: Interceptor1 shared a story about stealing a crowd's attention at the Motocross Nationals

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please contact Farkback ahead of time, or just submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening. If you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies. Please note: While submitted CSB Sunday Morning threads have a high likelihood of being greenlit, there is no guarantee they will be. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: croesius made a nifty Minecraft cake
Smart: The Pope of Manwich Village is taking care of employees
Smart: envirovore thought of a reason for garden centers to remain open
Funny: oldfarthenry found either the worst or the best Easter toy
Funny: CommieTaoist reacted to finding out a Farkers' Evangelical parents don't acknowledge Jewish holidays to their converted child
Funny: SnackCake told TotalFarkers about getting slapped for not offering his date some toast (complete with illustration)

Politics Funny:
Chariset explained how the virus spread even after Donald Trump claims he "banned China"
Schroedinger's Glory Hole hyped us up for Barack Obama's endorsement of Joe Biden
Cubansaltyballs knew exactly why a comprehensive study did not find that hydroxychloroquine is an effective treatment for COVID-19
vrax lamented a fellow Farker's living situation
Rev.K revealed how generous Trump was when Governor Cuomo needed supplies

Politics Smart:
Recoil Therapy had an idea of how a nursing home doctor who gave hydroxychloroquine to dozens of elderly patients can help
optikeye discussed a previous president's refusal to address a public health crisis until someone he knew died
Benevolent Misanthrope predicted what could happen if Trump decides it's time to "open up the states"
whither_apophis thought a conspiracy theory when Bill Clinton was president looks to be closer to reality today
blastoh examined the theory that protesters displayed swastikas because they were calling the governor a Nazi


Top Contest Entries
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking wouldn't mind looking like an inflatable companion while wearing PPE
hail2daking also wanted to wear a mask that could help line up some dates for after social distances ends
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel showed how we can enjoy holidays while staying safe
Herb Utsmelz experienced an error and had to shut down
#2 designed the bestest Google Doodle
Yammering_Splat_Vector figured advertising should be tailored to the medium
noazark taught this little boy what happens to liars
RedZoneTuba shared a photo of Zefram Cochrane with his new invention
Cork on Fork discovered the secret to Bill Gates' success
noazark showed us what a really boop-able nose looks like

Captions:
From Caption these beach-going cows:
Kick The Chair knew why the cows weren't in the water
Driver shared advice from the cows
From Caption this coronavirus protester:
King Something heard this woman spreading a message of love
Firm Tautology knew what this megaphone is for
From Caption this newly famous photo of the zombie apocalypse in Ohio:
Palined Parenthood named the group protesting measures to limit the spread of COVID-19
bearded clamorer realized these people were actually filming a commercial

Fartist Friday: Make your own "Wilson"
Some dirtbag named DisseminationMonkey made a scary Chairry

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: A Portrait of the F'artiste: MSPaint your selfie

About Fartist Friday:
Fartist Friday is a weekly contest to help keep you entertained by giving you a way to show off your artistic skills - or lack thereof - during this time of social distancing. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the following Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays with commenting closed until an hour before they show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close to both comments and voting at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

Farktography:
fluffybunny won Farktography Contest No. 780: "Isolation" with a view into the past

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz last week, with three folks making it into the Zoom Meeting Virtual 1000 Club. Glockenspiel Hero came out on top with an awesome 1030, followed by Mztlplx in second with 1019 and Myk-House of El in third with 1011. TwoHead took fourth with 997, and seelorq brings up fifth with 970.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over a series of weird coincidences that resulted in a fire at a U-Haul location in Eugene, OR. Only 36% of quiztakers knew that a man threw a lit firecracker at a woman in the heat of an argument (while maintaining social distancing), and the sparks from the firecracker ignited gas fumes from underneath a nearby truck where another man, unbeknownst to the couple, was attempting to siphon gas. Perhaps in the future they all will move to Florida where this sort of thing barely makes the news.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over a forest fire that was spiking radiation levels near the scene of a horrible nuclear accident. 95% of quiztakers knew that the fire was right beside the former Chernobyl nuclear power plant, which tragically underwent meltdown after an explosion and fire at Reactor 4 in 1986. Fortunately, no one died due to the fire, but I'm betting Todd Howard is taking notes for a new "world event:" in Fallout '76 this fall.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about what exactly "Phoenix, Oregon" is. Only 30% of quiztakers knew that in addition to it being a city in Jackson, County, OR with a population of ~4600, it was also technically the number one movie in America, with a box office take of $2,903. The movie is about two friends who handle their midlife crisis by opening a bowling alley-slash-pizzeria in their small town instead of buying a convertible or getting hair plugs like normal guys. 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the DoubleTree Hotel and their recent release of their "secret" cookie recipe. 88% of quiztakers knew that DoubleTree policy is to offer every guest a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie. They've event sent their cookie dough to the International Space Station to be cooked in space, which I imagine was really frustrating for the astronauts because the resulting cookies were sent back to earth to be studied rather than eaten by the astronauts. It would have been like when you wake up to the smell of cinnamon rolls but your roommate is baking them to take to funeral or something and you can't have one.

Congratulations again to the winners, and if you missed the quiz last week, you can catch up on the Fark Weird News Quiz here.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 


To help us bridge the gap back to times of normal ad revenue, today we're also launching something suggested by Farker Khonshu a couple weeks ago (and others, including someone who sent in a Farkback suggesting something similar as I was literally typing this): a new limited-time pandemic-only OhFark account badge to help us bridge the gap between now and whenever ad revenues recover.  

We're offering three different versions of this limited-time badge that, in a moment of drinking wisdom/ridiculousness, I have based off the Johnnie Walker whiskey bottle color system.  $25 for red, $100 for Green.  And I know this seems like a stretch, but we've actually had people request a $500 option, so we included it as well, which will be blue.  It will appear next to your account name on both desktop and mobile, rendered with different images because of space considerations.  

Here's what they will look like.  Sharp-eyed readers will notice there's a black version - we haven't added this one for purchase, but if anyone can think of a fun stunt or something we could use it for, drop me a line via Farkback.  And if Samuel L Jackson happens to be a Farker, we'd be glad to make you a purple one.  

Desktop version



Mobile version



We'll stop offering these once the pandemic ends, but they'll display next to your login name for forever, or the next 20 years, or however long we keep going.  I'm hoping for forever.  By buying one of these OhFark badges, you'll help us make it to that goal.

On this week's episode of Fark and Schnitt podcast, Drew and Todd get down to the bottom of the nationwide french fry shortage. Plus a deep dive on the Florida Man who told Trump it was OK to drink bleach, and the current media meta on Schrödinger's Kim Jung Un.

On next week's episode, assuming nothing goes wrong, we're interviewing Peter Sagal from "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!"

Also, check out my Fark Daily (*Tuesday - Friday) News Summary, streaming live most days around 7 p.m.  You can find it at either my Twitch channel or Fark's Facebook page.  My friend Dallan handles all the video stuff, and as an added bonus, he has no idea what the stories are going to be before we fire up the stream.   I'll give you a quick summary of what's important, what's under the radar, what's not important... and then things get weird. 
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
ParallelUniverseParking learned what the kids are calling it these days
vrax revealed the truth about the making of the movie "Cats"
Al Roker's Forecast showed us the person who was the angriest when a skate park was filled with sand to keep skaters from gathering
gilgigamesh felt old when using a "M*A*S*H" reference while texting an assistant
wet drum sandwich knew what you should do if you see a "private" Zoom chat transcript where your coworkers "Natalie" and "Lisa" make fun of your weight
Autoerotic Defenestration showed that the Director-General of the World Health Organization is too old for this shiat
Diogenes told us about another Farker's experience with a story where a news station falsely reported that a dairy had been dumping milk
Pocket Ninja listed ways in which some businesses should be helping the public during social distancing efforts
Miss_Dorothy_Kilgallen's likeness was copied by a doll company
LewDux found a photo of Paul McCartney and Mick Jagger in a physical altercation

Smart:
UberDave had an idea of how to react when Zoom gives you a transcript of coworkers mocking your weight
elysive had an idea about why fewer people are going to emergency rooms now, aside from the ones who are afraid to
Hey Nurse! works in a hospital and shared a really great story
brantgoose shared personal reasons to avoid hospitals unless absolutely necessary
fragMasterFlash saw reason to believe the idea that nicotine protects people from contracting COVID-19 is ridiculous
Bennie Crabtree saw a benefit to so many people not being able to go to their workplaces
poodebunker described what it's like to work in a Sam's Club right now
pkjun gave some background on an article about how awful the game "Animal Crossing: New Horizons" is
AdmirableSnackbar explained why El Chapo's family is doing so much to help the community during the pandemic
scottydoesntknow noticed how easy it is to understand social distancing

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
Sarah Jessica Farker wore a very awesome and very Fark protective mask

CSB Sunday Morning: Your 15 minutes of fame
Smart: MaelstromFL saw a side task for the CFO turn into a career changer
Funny: bucket_pup experienced 15 minutes of someone else's fame

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please contact Farkback ahead of time, or just submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening. If you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies. Please note: While submitted CSB Sunday Morning threads have a high likelihood of being greenlit, there is no guarantee they will be. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: Boondock3806 had to say goodbye to a very good girl
Funny: Shostie mocked Mrs.Sharpier, who turned out to be wrong
Funny: skatedrifter once made a series of bad decisions
Smart: Shostie discussed the idea behind social distancing
Smart: namegoeshere pointed out evidence of the importance of the precautions we've been taking
Funny: JerseyTim was feeling pretty safe and comfortable
Funny: Literally Addicted doesn't care to know every detail about a cousin
Funny: Candygram4Mongo shared a simple recipe for tamales

Politics Funny:
Action Replay Nick sang about the mystery of Kim Jong Un's condition
holdmybones had a special insult for one of the people protesting Colorado's stay-at-home order
Action Replay Nick was displeased with the description of some police equipment
weddingsinger figured out what Donald Trump was referring to when he asked about bringing "[sun]light inside the body"
cretinbob guessed what happened in San Francisco during the 1918 flu pandemic when people objected to an order to wear masks

Politics Smart:
weddingsinger shared information showing that the governor of Georgia telling restaurants to reopen is no favor to many of them
MrBallou thought that a standoff between protesters looked familiar
pkjun discussed Laura Loomer's run for Congress
Driedsponge figured Trump's fellow Republicans could've avoided fallout from Trump's failure to properly handle the pandemic
Sorelian's Ghost decided there's still hope for people who can't read warning labels on disinfectants


Top Contest Entries
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
noazark created a cereal you should never, ever eat even though it looks kind of tasty
hail2daking rebranded a classic breakfast in exactly the wrong way
clovercat at least made it easier to get tested for COVID-19
a particular individual stepped up efforts to revive a familiar Office assistant
DarkJohnson found out what happened to water that used to be on Mars
Yammering_Splat_Vector ruined everyone's Life
noazark discovered a family living in this water tower
Alligator put the corn in cornona. Wait....
DarkJohnson gave the future of law enforcement a more retro appearance
RedZoneTuba did the "Petticoat Junction" water tower thing

Captions:
From Caption this proud hunter with his trophy:
medius knew how this pup felt after destroying his prey
MechaPyx heard all the excuses for this mess
markie_farkie discovered that this pooch had another surprise for his people

Fartist Friday: A Portrait of the F'artiste: Selfie Edition
cowgirl toffee apparently really enjoys showers

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: "There once was a Fark Artist from Nantucket..." Create a social-distancing themed limerick

About Fartist Friday:
Fartist Friday is a weekly contest to help keep you entertained by giving you a way to show off your artistic skills - or lack thereof - during this time of social distancing. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the following Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays with commenting closed until an hour before they show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close to both comments and voting at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

Farktography:
MorningBreath won Farktography Contest No. 781: "You Card" with a message you might get from Stevie Wonder

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.

A message from Fark's Modstaff:

It's been a while since we've had one of these, so bear with us while we get started. Please read this entire header before jumping into the meat of the thread so that we can avoid excess clutter questions that were answered in the introduction.

Who is Moderator? Since it's no big secret we'll just get it out of the way and tell you Moderator is a shared account accessible by all of the Fark moderators and admins. Because we expect a flurry of questions in this thread, we have several mods who will take individual questions and reply with the Moderator account. Once they take a question, that mod will be handling the question, and its subsequent follow-ups if necessary. If the conversation stalls out, gets into minutiae, or conflicts with the NDA all modmins are bound by, the mod may move onto another subject - there are lots of users with lots of questions expecting an answer. We won't be able to get to all of them, but we'll try to get as many as possible. So your question could be picked by any of a dozen or so modmins - but we're not going to make the mods put themselves out there on their personal user accounts. If there's an issue you still have questions about, you can always hit us up at Farkback (please don't confuse Farkback with reporting comments).

What questions will we answer? Full disclosure - we have compiled a list of FAQs and have pre-made answers for them so that modmins can quickly copypasta responses without worrying about typos or turns of phrases that can be misinterpreted. So if Moderator answers your question with general phrasing that doesn't exxxactly match your question, this is why. It's nothing nefarious, but a way for us to get the general idea conveyed and used as a starting point for follow-up questions.

General questions about headlines, greenlights, links, submission queue abuse, etc will be taken by an Admin. General questions about moderation, timeouts, verboten content, posting guidelines will be taken by a Moderator.

We will discuss any topic in general that doesn't conflict with our collective NDA, but we'll try to be as open as we can. We won't discuss individual users, specific user violations, permabanned users etc. In other words, keep it general, not personal and specific.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Tl;dr sign up for TotalFark and BareFark if you can.  Or purchase some Farks2Give. See below.

I'm not expecting ad revenues to rebound anytime soon - I've talked to other folks who work at digital media companies and it's the same everywhere: ad revenues are down 50%-70%.  There's some hope out there that companies that are suited toward lockdowns, such as delivery services etc, will realize there's a marketing bargain to be had. I'm optimistic that they're right but I have no evidence so far.  The IAB predicted in a survey that ad spending is going to be down at least 50% for the foreseeable future - for all digital media.  It's unfortunate that revenue is down while traffic is up - especially on weekends since no one's going anywhere.  

As I mentioned last week, this is hitting pretty much everyone in digital media.  Subscribe to your local newspaper as well if you can. All the ones near where I live furloughed their employees.

Sometime between now and next week, we're going to test what happens if we block ad blockers for 24 hours.  During that test, if you need adblock for technology or usability reasons and can't afford BareFark, email us and we'll set you up with BareFark at no charge.  We don't want to cause financial hardship for anyone.  

We applied for an SBA disaster loan last week, but so far we haven't been able to apply for the paycheck protection program because for some reason our bank was behind the curve on getting their program together - however we're talking to them today (as I'm writing this, in fact) so hopefully we'll see some progress.  

On the plus side, we had about 1,100 people sign up for TotalFark and about 900 people sign up for BareFark in the past week.  Thank you all so much. That helps, but we could still use more signups. If you haven't signed up for either, or both, now would be a particularly good time to do it.  

For folks looking for additional ways to help, the Fark Dev team worked through the weekend and retooled our gift subscription program.  Now you can buy 1, 5, 25, or however many gift months of TotalFark in one go that you might want to purchase. You can either buy them for yourself to use later, you can give them to others later, or you can give them to others when you buy them.  We're calling them Farks2Give, because, as we all know, no one should be all out of Farks2Give. There's more information about Farks2Give on the FArQ page. By the way, this helps us in a similar way to how it helps your local restaurants to buy gift certificates right now, give some thought to that as well if you can.  

This week on the Fark and Schnitt Podcast, I go into a bit more detail about how Fark is doing, and tease something we're going to launch next week to help on the revenue side of things.  We talk briefly about those we know who were lost to COVID-19 - some of you may or may not know that Fountains of Wayne were Farkers thanks to Chris Collingwood turning the rest of the band on to us.  And to finish on a more upbeat note, we do a quick hit roundup of morons being morons, because why would anyone want to stop being dumb during a pandemic?

Finally, Dallan and I are still experimenting with an almost-daily Fark livestream, you can find it at twitch.tv/drewcurtis.  We did one last night at 7:30 p.m., we're looking to do another one today at 2 p.m., which might have passed by the time the newsletter goes out, but you can watch the video recap on Twitch, Facebook, or YouTube anytime you want.  We cover what's important in today's news cycle, what's not getting enough attention, the news cycle's meta for the day, then some silly stuff, then some cat videos. Also, my dad likes it. Come check it out.  

I hope you all are well and safe. 
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
pkjun revealed this one weird trick for taking over the country
optikeye explained why squirrels cause power outages so often
gonegirl shared a story about a grocery store worker who needed to work on phrasing
Snapper Carr was disappointed by a missed opportunity for an easy joke
BafflerMeal was impressed by what one do-it-yourself face mask could accomplish
dready zim let us know not all pets have been enjoying having people home all day
nyseattitude saw no need to go changing anything
And neither did We Ate the Necco Wafers
EvilEgg knew something else about a woman who lost her jobs as tattoo artist, a professional traveling chalk artist, and a director of administration at an event center
Ivo Shandor had one thing to say about a new case of Ebola in the Democratic Republic of the Congo

Smart:
pkjun figured that a photo doesn't really show anything bad
aimtastic thought there might be a reason for the weight a woman gained that her fiance complains about
parasol discussed being immune to a virus once you've had it and recovered from it
TWX talked about the reason why sometimes you need to push the button, sometimes you don't
wademh pointed out how face masks still provide protection even if they don't block everything
potierrh appreciated the useful example a Fark thread was providing
moos offered advice on what to do if your fiance is complaining about your weight gain
ecmoRandomNumbers shared stories illustrating the importance of wearing helmets when recommended for the vehicle you're operating
wejash emphasized the limits on a small study comparing the effectiveness of types of masks in blocking COVID-19
Boondock3806 did the math on the correct course of action if COVID-19 kills 60,000 people in the U.S. by August

CSB Sunday Morning: Unexpectedly running into someone you know
Smart: Auntie Cheesus shared a story about a couple of trips to the doctor
Funny: MorningBreath impressed a college classmate by managing to complete a difficult task

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please contact Farkback ahead of time, or just submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening. If you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies. Please note: While submitted CSB Sunday Morning threads have a high likelihood of being greenlit, there is no guarantee they will be. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: MBK answered Murflette's question about why a couple was driving around with mannequin legs sticking up in the back of their vehicle. Amusingly, Murflette did try to ask this in the earlier thread, but apparently was ignored and could not stop thinking about it five days later
Smart: Nadie_AZ had advice for someone having to drop a sibling off at the hospital with COVID-19 symptoms
Funny: Hyperbolic Hyperbole explained why strangers were taking photos of craigzy's house
Smart: hubiestubert has some experience with the kind of help people need when they're fighting for their lives
Smart: flucto had an idea of how to know when "all this is over at last"
Smart: Beeblebrox gave some bad health advice

Politics Funny:
FlashHarry guessed at what kind of recommendations Erick Erickson might get based on the cross in front of his house
Byno stood up for a woman who thought the pandemic was a hoax
markie_farkie took some guesses as to what Donald Trump referring to when he tweeted, "WE WILL BUILD IT AGAIN!"
propasaurus helpfully reminded bloobeary to stay on topic in a thread about Medicare eligibility age and student debt
Al Roker's Forecast revealed the U.S. Post Office's response to Trump refusing to help them stay afloat

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
The Third Man helped out when there was confusion over Trump's offensive nickname for Elizabeth Warren. Thanks SFSailor for calling attention to that comment, and I hope this makes this timeline a little more just.

Politics Smart:
Action Replay Nick saw reason to hope for Boris Johnson's full recovery
fifthofzen argued that Trump dumped California before California dumped Trump
Gubbo pointed out why we should've known that the federal government would start taking personal protective equipment shipments meant for states and hospitals
Butterflew talked about what it's like being in one of the states that's having its PPE order seized by feds
Marcus Aurelius figured that health care can still work with capitalism, but with some adjustments


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
clovercat discovered that the Rabbit of Caerbannog has evolved
noazark found out who ruined the corn flakes
FarkingIceHole showed us why they call it the Astro Slide
noazark figured out how to take advantage of this building's interesting facade
Alligator proved that Sully could've landed in a better place than the Hudson
hail2daking reminded us about the hard work that health care workers are doing right now
Yammering_Splat_Vector went a little overboard on the cadmium yellow
hail2daking had an Easter parade that lacked social distancing, but did have masks
Driver got a worker and a supervisor to clean this messy hillside
hail2daking went shopping for a new apartment

Captions:
From Caption this audible drone:
CrossEyed had super urgent information about your vehicle
guestguy lost the most important file on any computer

Fartist Friday: Cupboard & cabinet creations
farrrrrt built a questionable robot

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: "Make Your Own Wilson" while we're stuck at home, inspired by  "Castaway." Get hands-on artsy crafty with materials at home and show us your real-life creation. Use googly eyes, Sharpies, paint, etc. - let your creative flag fly!   

About Fartist Friday:
Fartist Friday is a weekly contest to help keep you entertained by giving you a way to show off your artistic skills - or lack thereof - during this time of social distancing. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the following Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays with commenting closed until an hour before they show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close to both comments and voting at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

Farktography:
gregscott won Farktography Contest No. 779: "Free For All 2" with this friendly hummer

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz, although no one's volunteering for the ankle monitors to go with our collective house arrests. The 1000 club has three socially distant members this week, but unfortunately there's no sportsball to watch at the bar. budjones takes the top spot with 1038, followed by maddog2030 in second with 1037 and bingethinker in third with 1007. PureBounds made fourth with 993. and wearsmanyhats makes the top five with 988.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz is over what bargain a British driver not only defied stay-at-home rules to drive a 220-mile round trip to pick up, but made his wife ride in the trunk so his ebay find could ride in front. Only 32% of quiztakers knew that it was windows he was picking up. All I gotta say it had better have been a beautiful bay window for his wife's sitting room. 

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over how British police went about making the former rock quarry known as "the Blue Lagoon" a little less Instagram friendly. 92% of people knew they just dumped in a bit of non-toxic black dye, which made it a little less photogenic, unless you're filming one of those post-apocalyptic movie scenes where the mutated antagonist rises from black liquid ooze to terrorize the heroes.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over a "loach," an aquatic creature found in both Japanese dojou restaurants and in the new Animal Crossing game. Only 25% of quiztakers knew it was a kind of fish. From what I here, there both a tasty treat and a great way to farm resources in video games.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the new limited-edition flavor of Doritos available in Australia. 85% of quiztakers knew you could pick up some Mountain Dew flavored tortilla chips because this is the world we live in. No word on if Taco Bell will soon be making taco shells in this flavor, but it would not surprise me.

Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Tl;dr sign up for TotalFark and BareFark if you can.

This one's hard for me because I'm usually the one who keeps things positive.  An unintended side effect of that is that I often appear to be unconcerned. It's not that I'm unconcerned, it's just that for me personally I find that fear and panic get in the way of good decision making.  The guy at the top has to hold everyone else together.

I want to say Fark's going to be fine, that we're going to get an SBA loan or that the paycheck protection program won't run out of money before our application clears.  But truthfully, I don't know that any of that will happen.  

Here's the bad news:  The first week of April's ad revenue is in the books.  I'm not going to lie: it's dire. For the first week of April, Fark's ad revenue was down over 50% from last year.  This is much worse than what the IAB predicted in a survey last week, which seemed to indicate a 33% drop, which still would have been brutal but obviously way better than the 50% we're now seeing.  This is industry-wide by the way - it's happening to every digital media property simultaneously. Additionally, that 50% revenue drop Fark saw last week would have been even lower except Fark's traffic lately is up quite a lot - especially on weekends, where traffic has nearly doubled.  Before the pandemic, traffic on weekends would drop in half - a pattern that has held steady for 20 years. This is no longer the case.  

The somewhat good news is that last week, a bunch of you signed up and sponsored others for TotalFark and BareFark accounts.  That is hugely helpful - thank you so much!  And a special thanks to everyone who submitted sponsorship threads, including Warthog and the LP gang, null, and I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That.  Even with that amazing and generous showing, we still need more subscriptions if we're going to survive this.  Please sign up today if you can. 

I hate to ask because I know that other folks are worse off.  Your local newspaper is probably not going to make it either. They're even more dependent on advertising than Fark is, they probably have way more employees than we do, and they're in exactly the same boat.  If you can, subscribe to your local news websites. Also if you can, order from your local restaurants doing takeout. If you're super lucky, hopefully you can order beer or cocktails to go as well. For example, I heard from one friend in Nashville that they've seen pickup trucks with kegs of beer cruising neighborhoods and selling growler fills.  

Meanwhile, I'll be doing everything I can to keep things going on our end.  Because (and only because) we're running out of options, sometime in the next two weeks, we're going to test blocking ad-blockers for a 24-hour period to see what impact that makes on revenue.  If it's minimal, we'll retain ad-blocking, because I get it no one (including me) likes ads, and I know some readers need to use ad blockers for accessibility reasons. If the impact of the test is substantial, I'll update in a future Fark NotNewsletter what we decide to do.  We don't have the luxury of having a choice in the matter anymore. Signing up for TotalFark and BareFark would be a fantastic alternative to ad blocking, however.  BareFark in particular because it removes all ads from Fark.  

We're also experimenting with new projects to capture new audience share - I'm live streaming a not-so-serious daily news summary Tuesday - Friday that is worth a look.  The main host site can be found at twitch.tv/drewcurtis, but we'll be simulcasting across YouSpace and FaceTube and the rest here shortly.  Videos of previous streams can be seen at my Twitch channel as well, and eventually on the other SpaceTubes, too. My dad likes it. That's a huge endorsement right there.  We're hoping to do an evening stream this Friday during which I will be drinking the entire time. So heads up politics tab - it's been a rough week.  

Speaking of other initiatives, in this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, Todd gives us an update from inside the Manhattan hot zone.  We've got a discussion about the world's oldest profession moving from offline to online, branching out into therapy even. And we discuss what America 2.0 may look like.  Check it out - it's more serious than usual, but it's good. Download from iTunes or wherever you find your podcasts

I hope you all are safe and well.  We're all in this together.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Farking Clown Shoes showed how we felt on March 1st versus how we felt on March 31st
jim32rr expressed condolences and hope to another Farker
6nome shared a sexy poster from the 70s and 80s
Giant Clown Shoe felt like an entirely different but superficially similar person
coronavirus reacted to an opinion about pandemic modeling
Dead for Tax Reasons noticed something about a contaminant that caused Zantac to be pulled from the market
oldernell was prepared for the sudden rush of people buying out seeds to grow their own food
Thong_of_Zardoz prepared for the milkocalypse
Grumpy Cat had a name for what Dean Cain and most of us look like now
Demetrius did not react to a photo of a man who hosted a "corona potluck"

Smart:
brantgoose argued that viruses can't be killed
Xai explained why efforts to flatten the curve on COVID-19 transmission is not just "hiding infections in the future"
That Guy What Stole the Bacon shared a story about parents having strange beliefs about where they'll be safe right now
GoOutBlazing plans on earning that nickname, hopefully a long time from now
Jerry Curlan's Horsey shared a story about people who know better but do the dumb thing anyway
nmrsnr pointed out the significance of a sentence buried in an article claiming that half of people infected with the novel coronavirus are asymptomatic
question_dj figured that a former COVID-19 skeptic's belief that the news media was using the panic to distract us from something else wasn't without precedent
Bootleg apparently didn't pay enough attention in history class
DrewCurtisJr came up with a solution to the problem of people having coronavirus parties that should satisfy everyone

CSB Sunday Morning: That time boredom struck and you chose poorly
Smart (tie): Redh8t described what happens when construction crews get bored after hours
Smart (tie): The adults in silvervial's family learned what happens when you release kids into the woods after they've been snowed in for five days  
Smart honorable mention: TexasPeace and some friends explored actual Nazi tunnels while attending third grade at a U.S. Army post in Germany
Funny: ytterbium learned as a little kid that sometimes the only person you can count on is yourself

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please contact Farkback ahead of time, or just submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening. If you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies. Please note: While submitted CSB Sunday Morning threads have a high likelihood of being greenlit, there is no guarantee they will be. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: rcf1105 had excellent advice for attending video conferences while working from home
Funny: MissFeasance shared some important information about practicing safe sex
Funny: ThomasPaineTrain showed someone who was feeling defensive after an earthquake in Idaho
Smart: loveblondieo did some very smart things
Funny: croesius explained how to make a copy of a YouTube video

Politics Funny:
OptionC had questions about Donald Trump invoking the Defense Production Act
Dead for Tax Reasons had a message for a train engineer who intentionally derailed a train because of a conspiracy theory
Polezni Durak made an illustration more illustrative
Jack Sabbath recalled Dr. Anthony Fauci's first career
brap shared one of Trump's nonsensical tweets

Politics Smart:
edmo had reasons for not buying the official story for why the captain of the Theodore Roosevelt was relieved of his command
kbronsito suggested a new role for Brett Crozier
PluckYew wanted the news media to handle any golf outings Trump has in a certain way
arrogantbastich reacted to "Four things only libertarians can see about COVID-19"
skozlaw defended a Fark headline comparing U.S. deaths from COVID-19 to deaths on 9/11


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
The first NINE winners are from Add a Sesame Street character to a famous work of art:
hail2daking found proof that chocolate chip cookies were actually created by God
PhotoshopCrazy showed us what Beaker does when he's not working
PhotoshopCrazy proved we don't always see ourselves as others see us
Yammering_Splat_Vector found Vincent van Gogh's most obscure self portrait
opalakea showed that sometimes Rowlf acts just like other dogs
Herb Utsmelz let us see what this artist's mother really looked like
noazark ran into the problem of birds' ears not having external parts
hail2daking gave Oscar the Grouch a new place to eat
DarkJohnson captured the Swedish Chef in a reflective moment
This Is Bold Text was not proud of this

Captions:
From Caption this confrontation:
Albert911emt knew what squirrels want to talk about
TheSteelCricket heard an angry warning
RedZoneTuba could tell these two were fighting over who's more masculine

Fartist Friday: Make a mask from things you have on hand
LucyBrew made a mask from 99% natural materials

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake:
For our Fark Artists of all skill levels, this week's Fartist Friday theme: "Cupboard & Cabinet Creations": Raid your stashes and showcase your favorite social distancing provisions! Difficulty: the only provisions allowed to be showcased are cans, cartons and paper goods like TP (if you're lucky enough to have any). Dress up your refreshing can of Fresca in a crown. Present your bog roll stash (pre-used, please) with pizzazz. Toss that can of water chestnuts aside and put your Spaghettios decorated front and center in a masterpiece d'resistance. You get the gist. Ignore what the grownups say: Play with your food! But, carefully please - no use crying over spilled canned milk.

About Fartist Friday:
Fark's working on ways to keep you entertained during this time of social distancing. To start, we're posting weekly "art" contests with different themes and media, which we're tentatively calling Fartist Friday - let us know if you have a suggestion for a better name. We ran our first Fartist Friday contest two weeks ago, MSPaint your pet or your dream pet. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the following Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays with commenting closed until an hour before they show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close to both comments and voting at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

Farktography:
freakingmoron won Farktography Contest No. 778: "Apocalypse Now" with these young sprouts

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another good time on the Quiz last week, with two people making it into the 1000 club, where they will remain social distant while watching a reply of the 1978 World Series Game III on the big screen. general tso takes top honors with 1015, followed by Bruce Campbell vs Army of Farkness in second with 1014 and urethra_franklin in third with 973. Texa$ took fourth with 936, and Mztlplx rounds out the top five with 931.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over what you get when you adopt a pet from Midwest Animal Rescue and Service. Only 22% of quiztakers knew that a furry friend will also net you a nice supply of Busch "beer" -  enough to have about two cans a day for the next three months, or throw one good party that will make your friends think less of you.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over Nicolás Maduro and the narco-terrorism charges brought against him by the US. 87% of quiztakers knew that he was the president of Venezuela. although for how much longer is anyone's guess. 

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about the New Bob Dylan song "Murder Most Foul". Only 38% of quiztakers knew that it was 17 minutes of Dylan rambling on about the assassination of John F. Kennedy, although with Dylan, we're going to have to take his word because good luck trying to decipher the actual lyrics.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the Falkland Islands and which country had offered them assistance. 93% of quiztakers knew that it was Argentina that offered the coronavirus tests and medical help, and who is in a long dispute about the ownership of the Islands with the UK. No word if they get BBC programming there or their stance on Brexit.

Congratulations to the winners, and be sure to check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

So last week I sounded the alarm about Fark's ad revenue.  I've got more data for you this week on why and how, along with what I'm expecting from the next quarter in terms of ad revenue.  Tl;dr, it's an existential threat. If you can, sign up for TotalFark and BareFark. 

Since the last NotNewsletter, we discovered what specifically caused the sudden rapid decline in ad revenues - turns out it affected all news sites, not just us.  Apparently branding experts are reluctant to run advertising on pages that mention COVID-19. The theory is they don't want their brand to be associated with negative connotations.  The problem, however, not just for us but for all news sites, is that 90%+ of all content is COVID-related right now. As a result, when 3,000 brand advertisers all simultaneously block the words COVID-19 and coronavirus, news site ad revenue plummets.  You can read more about that and how it threatens the entire online news ecosystem in this great summary article by Craig Silverman.

However, there's more bad news - also last week the IAB, which is the primary trade group for online advertising among other things, released the results of a survey of ad buyers to try to figure out what effect the lockdown will have on ad revenues.  The short version is it'll be worse than 2008, which is pretty dire because in 2008, Fark's revenue dropped to near zero.  There's more info and data from the IAB survey here.

What this all means is, without an influx of TotalFark and BareFark subscribers, Fark will not survive the pandemic. 

I'm exploring every option available to us, including SBA disaster loans. Things do not look good, but I promise I will keep pushing to hold things together until all options are expended. Which may have to include blocking ad-block use on Fark.   

It's not just Fark that's in trouble either - the Columbia Journalism Review is just this morning sounding the alarm about the impending local news apocalypse.  It's going to hit all of us. Support your local news outlets as well if you can.

Sorry for all the doom and gloom today.  On the bright side, Fark's traffic is up.  So that's something.

On this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, Todd takes the spotlight and describes living in a Manhattan hot zone half a block from a field hospital in Central Park. Mobile morgue units, police-enforced social distancing, but also 7 p.m. city-wide cheers for responders. We're living through history, folks  

Also, with the speed of today's news cycle, Dallan and I are doing an almost-daily livestream summary of the latest in pandemic news (almost daily because we skipped yesterday, for example). Don't expect anything slick or streamlined, we're literally making this up as we go along. Currently we're streaming from https://www.twitch.tv/drewcurtis/ but hopefully once our trademark claim on /fark goes through, we'll move there.  We expect to stream sometime today, but if you miss the livestream, it will still be on Twitch later.  We'll cover a quick summary of what's newsworthy from the past 24 hours and conclude with some much-needed distractions, including today's latest Internet drama regarding whether or not Andrew Cuomo has nipple piercings. We're just asking questions here.  

Be safe, everyone. 

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 

Fark's working on ways to keep you entertained during this time of social distancing. To start, we're posting weekly "art" contests with different themes and media, which we're tentatively calling Fartist Friday - let us know if you have a suggestion for a better name. We ran our first Fartist Friday contest last week, MSPaint your pet or your dream pet. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest, as you'll see below. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays with commenting closed until an hour before they show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

PS: Special thanks to Prank Call of Cthulhu for having this video with Milana Vayntrub made for your fellow Farkers. So awesome of you to do that.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
probesport shared evidence that the crackdown on buttmunching is underway
Diogenes explained being unwilling to donate computer processing power to fight COVID-19
Benevolent Misanthrope summed up a complaint from a couple who bought out a grocery store's entire meat section
Prank Call of Cthulhu did an awesome thing for Farkers (check out the link)
fusillade762 pointed out the most surprising thing about the number of confirmed COVID-19 cases in South Carolina
zobear had an idea of which movie LordOfThePings was searching for
Naido remembered what we were promised we'd have in the future instead of pooling computer power to solve problems
BizarreMan knew when to bow out of trying to answer a math question
Diogenes found the part of an article that explained what someone who ignored social distancing guidelines really did wrong
We Ate the Necco Wafers and spouse had a discussion about their wishes should something happen to one of them

Smart:
Prank Call of Cthulhu did an awesome thing for Farkers (check out the link)
Louisiana_Sitar_Club stated the truth about sincere apologies
Walker had a suggestion for what New York City should do with the bodies they have no room for
Gratch responded to claims that coronavirus survived for 17 days on a cruise ship
bobtheme figured that a spring-breaker who was in a viral video probably learned his lesson
FlashHarry told people who don't know Milana Vayntrub by name who she is
LionHound brought up the biggest "coronavirus parties" that have been happening
syrynxx learned about too much of a good thing
UNC_Samurai had a question for the Lieutenant Governor of Texas
FormlessOne had step-by-step advice on getting through the pandemic crisis

CSB Sunday Morning: Stories of the helpers
Smart: Unikitty appreciated what people classified as essential workers are doing for us
Bonus Smart Pick:  Someone Else's Alt described the frightening conditions in which health care workers are fighting to save our lives
Funny: gordian helped an "Elsa ninja going camping" deal with being cooped up

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies).  

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: Badafuco had a great idea for what to do while you're stuck at home
Funny: Old Man Winter explained how the COVID-19 stimulus bill works for those making more than $100k/year
Smart: WickerNipple argued that prayer didn't work when a Farker got bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin for dinner
Funny: JerseyTim explained the choice to be a Farker
Smart: make me some tea takes a prophylactic approach to keep everyone safe
Smart: generalDisdain figured that some people need more stimulation than others

Note to TotalFarkers: While I will continue to avoid linking to posts from selfie thread in the Fark NotNewsletters, I'm going to start including posts from non-dedicated selfie threads that include selfies and personal or family photos because it's getting more common for random personal pictures to show up in random threads. I will still try to avoid linking to posts from threads that I think the submitter or commenters might prefer to keep to a smaller audience. Also, please feel free to email me if you would like to make sure I don't link to comments from a particular thread. 

Politics Funny:
etoof thought Rand Paul could use some help fighting COVID-19
sniderman told us how one morning news show covered an attack ad the Trump campaign is trying to get off the air
Pocket Ninja explained why New Jersey doesn't need as many medical supplies as Florida does
Mr.Hawk shared a story about going way out of your way to have everything your neighbor has
hissatsu corrected a Fake News graph about COVID-19

Politics Smart:
The Third Man lamented things that needed to be included in the coronavirus relief bill
Driver had reason to prefer the relief checks don't have Donald Trump's signature on them
Private_Citizen wanted to correct the owners of Hobby Lobby when they say God wants them to keep the stores open
Scarlioni discussed states placing restrictions on people coming in from other U.S. states
OldRod pointed out an opportunity Trump doesn't take over and over again


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking showed what will happen to your neighbors if you keep hoarding
RedZoneTuba was nuts about Trump
hail2daking urged us to be more rational
Yammering_Splat_Vector encouraged us to keep our elderly uncle safe
DarkJohnson had a helpful reminder for all you buttwipes
Snubnose figured all paper can be reused
opalakea gave this senator a mobile home
Iggie put the Trump in trumpet. Wait a minute. Strike that, reverse it
hail2daking got our squirrel to cover up a little
RedZoneTuba reminded us to take care while we share

Captions:
From What is kitty saying?:
Grumpy Cat knew that this cat is actually singing
Fara Clark could tell that kitty probably was not on board with an experiment
For Caption these masked dancers:
RedZoneTuba sang along with these happy workers
kdawg7736 wrote them a song we can all identify with
From Caption these two guardsmen:
Harry Freakstorm revealed how lucky one of these guys has been
Harry Freakstorm fell for a recruiting pitch
From Caption this online ordering mistake:
markie_farkie decided a little profanity was in order
Cache found out the real reason this tiny toilet paper was sent out

Fartist Friday: MSPaint your pet or your dream pet
Conservative Evangelical Millennial Cyclist's pachyderm was really packing
whatsupchuck has a speckled kitteh
west.la.lawyer's pup is catching a snooze

There are a lot more great entries in this contest, so be sure to check them out. This week's Fartist Friday theme: Make a mask with things you already have in your home Difficulty: You can't use a mask to make your mask

Farktography:
Petit_Merdeux won Farktography Contest No. 777: "Quarantined" with essential supplies for a week or two of social distancing

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the quiz, only marred by the fact that now every news story seems to be about the Coronavirus. The 1000 club is still closed due to social distancing, but it would definitely be crowded this week. Top honor goes to The Third Man with his ridiculously high score of 1035. The rest of the 1000 club is below:

Evildog 1033
WoolyManwich 1031
sugaryvitamin 1027
FrancoFile 1027
ThomasPaineTrain 1024
Bear151556 1011
SFSailor 1006
Jerry Curlan's Horsey 1000

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over the South Georgia Pintail, a rare duck found on an island in the Indian Ocean. Only 59% of quiztakers knew that the odd ducks were observed eating dead carcasses of seals and other critters, making them the only variety of duck known to eat meat. No word on their affinity for Orange Sauce.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over French physician Victor Burq and his observations during the Paris cholera outbreaks in the 1800's. 90% of quiztakers knew that even before Germ Theory became prevalent, he realized that people exposed to large amounts of copper were far less likely to become sick. For the record, the Statue of Liberty has only taken 2 years off due to illness (1984-86) in her 134 years, so I think that counts for something.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over what new product can give you your Hostess confectionery fix in an all new format. Only 42% knew that you can now buy Ding Dongs, Honey Buns, SnoBalls (ewww) and Twinkies in a convenient drinkable iced latte. Pop-Tarts are owned by Kellogg's, while Hostess brands are now owned by rival Bimbo, so don't expect to see any partnership there anytime soon. 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the old TV show "The French Chef" and its host, one of the original pioneering TV chefs who taught Boomers how to cook something besides those weird Jell-O and frozen pea aspics their aunts brought to pot lucks and no one ate. 91% knew that it was Julia Child who hosted the show for 6 years in the late 60's and 70's. Cajun author and comedian Justin Wilson hosted "Louisiana Cookin" on PBS and taught GenX'er kids how to measure salt in their palms and how to say "I gair-on-tee."

Congratulations once again to the winners, and I'll have the link up for this week's Fark Weird News Quiz shortly.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

TL;DR: If you can, sign up for TotalFark and/or BareFark ASAP - digital ad revenue cratered in tandem with the economy.  

Back in January 2008, ad revenue went to practically zero for a little over a year.  Interestingly, it preceded the worst of the financial crisis by about six months. That was the year that I learned that when financial times get tough, ad budgets get cancelled first.  

The ad market hasn't been super strong this year, but as you're probably aware, the pandemic has kicked off a financial crisis.  Although the online ad market is far more mature today than it was back in 2008, I suspected we'd probably start seeing a revenue drop starting next week after April 1st  because ad budgets are drawn up quarterly.  

However, something unprecedented is happening.  

For some background context, in normal times, advertisers and ad networks are terrified of not paying out.  Mainly because if you get the reputation of booking inventory and then running off without paying, you don't tend to keep repeat clients.  It's not that non-payment has never happened to Fark, but it's extremely rare. To give you the dumbest example of this, we had one ad network in 2016 not only fail to pay for several months of ads, but actually suggested that we take payment in a cryptocurrency they had just created.  But it's a rare occurrence.  

Late last week, a fellow Farker who is CTO of an adtech company we've been working with closely hit me up with a warning.  He said that as of last Thursday, they're seeing industry-wide cancellations. Companies aren't waiting until the 2nd quarter - they're pulling ads -now- on existing deals.  Understandable given the current situation, but it doesn't help Fark at all.  

The existing ads are still bringing in some revenue, although the advertisers I'm seeing are pretty strange - not sure what company is trying to sell me bikinis during a pandemic, but whatever, you be you Mr. or Ms. bikini retailer.

However, it's not going to be enough.  

In 2008, we survived because you, the community, stepped up and supported us through TotalFark subscriptions.  We need that again.  If you've been laid off, hang onto your money.  However, for the rest of you, if $5/month is still no big deal to you, we need you to sign up for TotalFark ASAP.  You can also buy subscriptions for other Farkers if you like.  

We may also have to consider blocking ad-blockers. 60% of Farkers use them, and there are many good reasons people use them other than not wanting to see ads, which is why we haven't taken this step before.  If we end up doing this, for anyone experiencing financial hardship who needs ad blocking because of disability, technology restriction, or another relevant reason, just let us know and we'll activate BareFark for you at no charge.  For those of you for whom $2.50 is not a significant imposition, sign on up to BareFark and you'll be right back to an ads-free experience.  I've been asked many times if it's better financially for Fark to see ads or to sign up for BareFark - BareFark is by far the better option from a revenue standpoint.  Even during a good economy, ads don't pay well at all. I wish there were a better digital revenue model, but that's what we've got to work with .  

Meanwhile, I'll keep drinking from the news cycle firehose and keep you up to date on what's going on pandemic-wise.  I'll try to keep it funny, but you know how it goes - we have to work with the news cycle we get. I would suggest if you need a break from COVID-19, check out the Geek tab.  Pretty much everything not COVID-related is landing in there.  

Additionally, Dallan and I are planning to start streaming a video and podcast daily update on all the tubes, so keep an eye out for that.  We did a test run yesterday - I didn't link it on main Fark, but it's still on Fark's Facebook page if you'd like to see us muddle through while we figure out a format.  It probably won't be exactly 5 times a week; today, for example, things are probably getting away from us.  

I hate making this newsletter all about us - I hope you are doing well and are safe.  Please check on each other and if you need anything, let us know. We'll be posting regular discussion threads on these topics, so keep an eye out.  Feel free to submit them as well - I'll greenlight nearly any discussion tab topic, especially if they're funny.  

On this week's Fark & Schnitt podcast, Todd and I compare notes on what it's like in middle America vs NYC as the COVID-19 situation rapidly changes. Turns out neither area has a monopoly on morons.  Some New Yorkers still aren't doing the social distancing thing. Meanwhile, in eastern Kentucky, some folks are turning towards applying extra Jesus to the problem.  And Todd's evacuation of his kids last week from NYC looks more and more brilliant with each passing day.  

Next week, assuming everything doesn't go (even more) to hell suddenly, we'll be interviewing Peter Sagal from Wait Wait Don't Tell Me.  Aside from the fact that he's a super cool guy, there's a really interesting and bizarre Fark connection to the show going back 20 years now.  Tune in to find out what that is.
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We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
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Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat shared information about additional tests available in Germany
MrBallou wondered if a woman had completely thought through a reward she was offering
pkjun had a lot to teach the rest of us
JerseyTim figured out which team Tom Brady will play for
whatsupchuck showed us a photo of the ol' home office
ecmoRandomNumbers had a question about fatality rates of COVID-19 patients based on the type of treatment required
propasaurus explained why it was fine for spring breakers to party on Florida beaches
Gubbo pointed out that testing an antimalarial drug's effectiveness on COVID-19 might not take as long as you'd think
Farking Clown Shoes was confused by a Fark headline about smoking possibly playing a role in men's higher COVID-19 infection rates

Smart:
ISO15693 predicted Donald Trump will manage to accomplish something no other U.S. president has done
Marine1 way underestimated how long it would be before this would become a serious argument
Circusdog320 is making excellent use of social distancing time
luna1580 figured that really bad times are coming for Florida
Chariset described what doomsday preppers and non-preppers might think of each other
ox45tallboy shared a photo of what one hospital is doing to prepare for an influx of COVID-19 patients
NobleHam showed one way to encourage social distancing
optikeye brought up another pandemic as an example of what can happen
August11 thought that prepper is in the eye of the beholder
Gonz summed up Tom Brady's decision to sign with the Buccaneers

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: Dance Party had a suggestion for someone who's still getting paid but considering a temporary delivery job
Funny: meg12279 wasn't going to let COVID-19 interfere with the most important things
Funny: merrillvillain wanted to know more about a good spot for photographing bald eagles
Funny: Mitch Taylor's Bro had everything you could want in a mate
Funny: MissFeasance had a complaint about a video of a naked woman with a dead rat in her mouth running down the street

Politics Funny:
MrBallou found evidence that a tweet wasn't authentic
Precious Roy's Horse Dividers asked an important question about Lou Dobbs going into self-quarantine
Jack Sabbath showed that Eric Trump was right about the stock market
arrogantbastich didn't think that August11's neighbor's job requires a lot of special training
Pocket Ninja explained that everything is Barack Obama's fault

Politics Smart:
Butterflew had questions about the website that Trump said Google is building to fight COVID-19
Tell Me How My Blog Tastes discussed when the Federal Reserve should cut rates and when it should raise them
Mr. Coffee Nerves suggested people who refused social distancing recommendations should be sent out to infect more people
blender61 gave background information about the U.S. Rep. who told the United Airlines CEO to stuff it
Unobtanium looked into the story behind an election day director who walked off in the middle of announcing changes to voting locations


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking revealed an unpopular opinion of Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox
Kick The Chair discovered that someone is messing up the past
DarkJohnson showed that these costars haven't aged a day
Yammering_Splat_Vector got these guys some amazing cosmetic surgery
hail2daking made some moon rocks
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us what all those people are doing with hoarded toilet paper
Thrakkorzog shared good news from the Doc
noazark proved that all's well that ends well
Yammering_Splat_Vector knew what to do with the torch if the Olympics are postponed
DarkJohnson found out what happens if you help the wrong person load an armchair into a van

Captions:
From Caption the conversation between these two traders:
grokca gave a warning about a celebrity stalker
Grumpy Cat discovered that our subjects had become self aware
From Caption this underwhelmed emoji:
Pinnacle Point was inspired to sing about this creation
Weird Hal knew what this emoji was meant to convey
From Caption this sad guy on a trading floor:
Grumpy Cat figured that this fellow just wants to do the bare minimum
DocBubba could tell that this man had chosen poorly
From Caption this sunlit salutation:
ZAZ found out what it takes to get someone to perform a modern-day miracle
Snubnose revealed what really happened to Jack
whatsupchuck saw a forgetful dancer

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 776: "Phoning It In" ended in a tie between threnodyj's dewy autumn leaf and MorningBreath's Rhode Island sunrise

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.

Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another good time on the Quiz, but the 1000 Club has been classified as "non-essential" and so remains closed to this week's victor. Still, congratulations to EasilyDistracted with the awesome top score of 1019. Denjiro came in second with 953, followed by Evildog in third with 842. sugaryvitamin and Hassan Ben Sobr tied for fourth with 831, and Burns like hellfire is our fourth place finisher with 828.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over "Project Gesundheit," a tech company's effort to develop a cure for most varieties of the common cold. Only 21% of quiztakers knew this was actually an undertaking by Amazon, although I think it's a safe bet that this has kind of moved to the back burner a bit considering recent developments in infectious diseases.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over which song former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin chose for her finale after being voted off of "The Masked Singer" while dressed, as one commenter put it, "in what appeared to be the dead carcass of Sully from Monsters, Inc."  73% of quiztakers knew that she picked Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" for reasons that are still unclear. As intros to a Presidential Oval Office Address go, I think this one will not be easily forgotten, no matter how hard we try.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the flavors of Chick-fil-A sauces that you can now purchase at select Florida retailers. Only 43% of quiztakers knew that the Polynesian Sauce was actually CFA's second most popular behind their signature sauce. For some reason, that sweetness appeals to people, especially in the Southwestern U.S. If you prefer the others, Barbecue, Honey Mustard and Garden Herb Ranch are available in bottles at Florida Chick-fil-A locations (not at retail grocers yet), but lovers of Sweet and Spicy Sriracha and Zesty Buffalo will have to settle for packets.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was about the latest chapter in the lawsuit saga between Led Zeppelin and Spirit over similarities in their music writing styles, an epic tale which has lasted longer than your last Zoom meeting with coworkers who can't figure out the mute button. 89% of quiztakers knew that it was "Stairway to Heaven" who Spirit thought was a bit too close to their song "Taurus." If you've heard the two together, you might say yeah, I can see some similarity, but Spirit didn't have John Bonham on drums, so their point is irrelevant to my interests.

Congratulations to the winners, and be sure to check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz, where you can show off your knowledge of the weirdest news of last week.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

So this past week seems like it's lasted a decade.  Every day is 9/11 all over again, and I don't mean from a panic perspective, I mean the pace at which new impossible things are happening is incessant.  At any rate, for the near future, Fark is going to be shifting to a 9/11 footing, which was the first time we switched to a mostly real news format. I'm still going to try to keep it funny, but just so everyone is aware, that won't necessarily be the prime reason articles are greenlit for the near future.

Usually when I greenlight links, I set them to go live sometime in the future - lately I've been pushing them live immediately. That's probably going to continue as long as things stay serious.

Additionally, we'll be posting more non-news related links to see how everyone's doing.  Feel free to submit them, let us know what you need. Farkers are a weird bunch, but when the going gets tough, they always come through like superheroes.

Submitters' corner: You guys are crushing it with your submissions, as usual.  I did want to drop a note that it finally happened - as much as I personally like beating a joke into the ground I'm actually finally getting over the "x is closed, y out front should have told you" riff, so let's keep that one to a minimum.  Also to the Farker who figured out I will probably greenlight about anything I retweet, thank you so much for saving me an extra step.  Finally, remember to do more than just summarize the article, add a great riff as well.  Even if it's weird. Especially if it's weird.  We could use more weird these days.

On this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, we compare New York City versus Kentucky experiences during Covid times, although Todd's coworkers testing positive while he was on-air takes first prize. Plus, I announce some changes coming to Fark as we move to a war footing.  And some of this is actually funny - have a listen.
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We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
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Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
sithon gave a reason for not identifying as one of the "athetits" some jerk wanted to give "the corona virus" to
scottydoesntknow reacted to news that Tom Hanks tested positive for COVID-19
iheartscotch had a question about Tom Hanks' diagnosis
HighlanderRPI shared good news for all of us in these virusy times
Olympic Trolling Judge made a suggestion for replacing NBA games - and then it happened!
TheSwizz knew exactly why the Disney parks had to close down for now
Prank Call of Cthulhu took exception to another Farker's comment
King of Monkeys wouldn't let anyone get in the way of good hygiene
Trocadero figured that this guy might feel like he got a little too Big
Prank Call of Cthulhu told us what happened with Rapmaster2000's hoarding
elvisaintdead showed why young and healthy people need to engage in social distancing

Bonus FarkStaff Picks:
Fun thread: Farkers generated hand washing infographics based on song lyrics
Fun thread: To blow off some steam, Farkers shared COVID-19 jokes and memes

Smart:
italie had a suggestion that wound up happening for a lot of people
mjjt shared information about what went wrong in Italy
Polezni Durak felt betrayed by a bigot's bad spelling
Gubbo pointed out a bad omen on Fark
Archie Goodwin compared a headline about Italy to what a similar one would say about the U.S.
fragMasterFlash defended comparing our current situation to "The Stand"
MattytheMouse thought that a lot of people who are hoarding supplies are making questionable choices
Iamos explained that "elective surgery" doesn't mean what people commonly think it means
asciibaron described how people who work in bars feel about someone who goes to a bar alone and gets annoyed if anyone tries to talk to them
optikeye shared a story about being stranded when a cruise ended early because of a hurricane

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
hardinparamedic shared a great source for information about COVID-19. Thank you I hereby demand that I be given a Fark account for calling attention to this post and explaining why it's such a helpful link

CSB Sunday Morning: The change an hour can make
Smart: No Catchy Nickname had an hour turn out to be very, very long
Funny: Redwolfhollow experienced a crisis due to not knowing about the time change

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies).  

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: GalFriday shared a story about getting permanently banned from Twitter, but winning the argument anyway
Smart: dark side of the moon took time out of a lunch break to save some doggos on the freeway
Smart: croesius posted a bare root pic
Funny: no1curr shared a personal tidbit upon hearing that "the run on tampons has started"
Funny: MissFeasance knew who submitted a thread to complain about being shamed after sending WIE

Politics Funny:
Weatherkiss felt optimistic when Donald Trump announced a news conference
Sub Human corrected another Farker's reaction to Trump's tweet claiming he's doing a better job with COVID-19 than Joe Biden did with H1N1
Mike_LowELL praised the power of prayer
i ignore u countered the claim that Trump's grandfather died from the Spanish flu
bobtheme took a guess at who brought COVID-19 to the Conservative Political Action Conference

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
Fun thread: Farkers shared more illustrations for Arizona Rep. Paul Gosar's "been thinking about life and mortality" tweet

Politics Smart:
Devolving_Spud accurately predicted Trump's performance in Friday's news conference
Chariset had a clever retort to Trump's complaints about news coverage of the White House response to the virus
FlashHarry thought the way Bernie Sanders and his supporters blame "the establishment" seemed familiar
pkjun described how poor stock market performance affects average Americans
styckx had an apt comparison for Trump's "BIGGEST STOCK MARKET RISE IN HISTORY" last week


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
damat01 commissioned the best artist to paint this scene
Circusdog320 caught this pup in a foul mood
DarkJohnson discovered what it takes to be a star player of the sport of ulama
noazark found someone who opposes the use of disinfecting robots in China
hail2daking showed us some Dude enjoying a drink at the park
Terrapin Bound gave this Bronco some friends
CrossEyed revealed the kind of training Starfleet officers go through
damat01 took this contest on a low-speed chase
noazark spotted a surprising attendee of the Yalta Conference
hail2daking convened a gathering of men in white robes

Captions:
For Caption these young researchers:
CrazyCurt discovered how we ended up in this situation
For Have you decided what will be on your tombstone?:
Weatherkiss had no trouble deciding on an epitaph
HighlanderRPI wanted to go with last words for the tombstone
johnny_stingray figured out how to get the last word in an argument

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 775: "Melancholia" ended in a tie between FuLinHyu's invisible swingers and Lovesandwich's woman frozen in prayer

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Beyond Fark

We're very sad to have learned of the loss of Farker Mudbuggy. He was a longtime Farker and friend to many in our community. You can pay your respects in Mudbuggy's memorial thread.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another great time on the Quiz last week, but unfortunately for our top finisher, the 1000 club is closed for deep cleaning. Not because of coronavirus, it's just one of the mods left their dirty socks under the couch and Drew has to worry about insurance liability. Congratulations go to FrancoFile, who takes top honors with 1018, followed by RichardII in second with 985 and sugaryvitamin in third with 984. rebelyell2006 made fourth with 978, and Gravitationally Challenged rounds out the top five with 968.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over a man's choice of vehicles for a low-speed pursuit through the street's of Pittsburgh. Only 29% of quiztakers knew that the domestic violence suspect's choice of an ambulance was in one way a good idea on the surface, being that he was suffering from a gunshot wound, but he would have probably been better off being treated in the back with someone else driving. It's also not really a mode of transportation you can "lose the cops" in. 

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over what got Miss Staten Island barred from the Staten Island St., Patrick's Day Parade. 87% of quiztakers knew that she had come out as bisexual in an interview the week before. Apparently in Staten Island they have a reputation to maintain, although I'm not sure if it's the reputation they think they have.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the character Li Shang in the upcoming live-action version of Disney's Mulan. Only 30% of quiztakers knew that the producers felt that in the era of #MeToo, having a commanding general also be the love interest was not a good look. Mulan's love interest in the new movie is a soldier equal to her rank. For the record, Chinese censors had no problem with the character, as the situation is similar to the legend the movie was based on.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was about which celebrity had an ironic fall while talking about work and life "balance." 95% of quiztakers knew that it was Oprah Winfrey who had taken a tumble. She did pick herself back up with grace, commenting that "now [it] becomes a meme". I hate to disappoint her, but I just can't come up with a good caption for it. Oprah even gets embarrassed with awesome style.

Congratulations to the winners, and be sure to check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz. 


2020 Fark Fiction Anthology Submission Information (brought to you by toraque)

It's here!

The 2020 Fark Fiction Anthology is now open for submissions!  We're looking for the best short fiction up to 10,000 words in any of the following genres:

- Fantasy
- Science Fiction
- Humor
- Horror
- Mystery/Suspense/Thriller

As always, entries will be judged by our crack team of editors and Farkers, and the best submissions will be published in paperback and Kindle e-book editions!  Best of all, all proceeds will go to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, so it's all for a good cause!

Have a story to tell?  Want to show your fellow Farkers your literary genius?  Send us what you've got!
The 2020 Fark Fiction Anthology Official Entry And Submissions Page

You can see what your fellow Farkers have come up with over the previous four years right here!
Heart of Farkness: The 2016 Fark Fiction Anthology
Through a Scanner Farkly: The 2017 Fark Fiction Anthology
Everybody Panic: The 2018 Fark Fiction Anthology
Oh, No, Not Again!: The 2019 Fark Fiction Anthology

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone.  If you've got a bit of time and the slightest inclination, today would be a great time to sign up for TotalFark and/or BareFark.  It's possible the bottom's about to drop out of the advertising market, and it hasn't been all that great this year up to this point even before pandemics and primaries and what have you.  $5 a month is all it takes to carry Fark through damn near anything - that's how we survived the 2008 downturn after all.  You guys are great like that.

Also, if anyone needs a care package, let me know - I went shopping over the weekend, and although my local store here in Kentucky is completely sold out of Peeps, Arby's fries, and only Prego spaghetti sauce for some reason, the store seems to have plenty of everything else including pallets of toilet paper stacked to the roof.  I described the trip in detail on this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, along with possibly the weirdest follow-up to that William Shatner divorce story I told a couple weeks back.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
WoolyManwich shared a phrase that can be said during adult sexytimes or at a job interview
Barfmaker restated what got a teacher who resembles a Dr. Seuss character arrested
thehobbes knew who Kelly Ripa was taking her fashion cues from
I_Am_Weasel sang of a vegan who ordered a vegan burger from KFC
The Headless Horseman's Headless Horse defended the term "demisexual"
brap expected demisexual to have a different meaning
parasol revealed how people who attended an event with a person who was supposed to be quarantined will be compensated
AlwaysRightBoy had a reason to take the risk of taking a cruise soon
rohar explained how things are different in Seattle when it gets to the point where we're resorting to cannibalism
ralphjr found someone who disagrees with Franklin Graham saying a Bible making it through a tornado is a "miracle"

Smart:
Snatch Bandergrip noticed that children are in a no-win situation these days
GanjSmokr commented on an airline passenger's reaction to having his laptop broken when the seat in front of him reclined
Circusdog320 figured out the thing that really ruined taking cruises
sithon named more people who can't receive Communion
Drew shared a story about finding out Rashida Jones is a Farker
Gyrfalcon pointed out how a principal's rule that girls can't decline when boys ask them to dance harms students
YouPeopleAreCrazy gave examples to show that the '70s weren't the only tragic fashion years
pkjun went into detail about how ridiculous a vegan KFC customer was
Glorious Golden Ass came up with a strange rule for airline passengers
RoyFokker'sGhost's Irish Catholic great-grandfather built a school for his new community

CSB Sunday Morning: How did that get there? A time when something unlikely turned up somewhere unlikely
Smart: darkhorse23 lost and found a favorite barrette
Smart honorable mention: bamnuke unexpectedly came into some family money
Funny: Ker_Thwap got the gift that keeps on giving
Funny honorable mention: ingo accidentally discovered this one weird trick for entertaining a pack of dogs, and also posted a followup
Another Funny honorable mention: vudukungfu encountered a real-life riddle

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies).  

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: reagabeast made a comment that, interestingly, at least 18 TotalFarkers knew to be true
Funny: Shostie had a plan for dealing with someone who makes "moist slippy-slappy sounds" while eating
Funny: olapbill advised anyone who's planning on visiting a club where patrons engage in adult activities
Funny: flucto has an interesting Amazon purchase history
Funny: ytterbium knew what to do if you get lucky for the first time in eight years
Smart: Dance Party asked for a button that we already have
Funny: leeksfromchichis explained what TikTok is

Politics Funny:
Pocket Ninja pointed out that young Bernie Sanders supporters showed their support the most effective way
cranked explained why Donald Trump seemed uncaring when told that the family of a boy who was carried by a tornado died
propasaurus defended the "face lift tape" photographed peeking out from under his hair
Martian_Astronomer told a tale that explains why some people have such a strong aversion to Hillary Clinton
imauniter shared some fightin' words from China

Politics Smart:
mrshowrules had a job in mind for Elizabeth Warren
stan unusual requested some information from Bernie Bros
Dewey Fidalgo found out why Trump tweeted an advertisement for a Mexican restaurant in Arizona
propasaurus brought up a reason to vote for Joe Biden instead of Trump
Benevolent Misanthrope had a plan for Pete Buttigieg


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking shared a photo of the elusive kimono dragon
Yammering_Splat_Vector advertised a disaster movie that will give you insomnia
hail2daking proved that some birds team up for their mating dance
Yammering_Splat_Vector demonstrated the purpose of the Big Dipper
hail2daking showed us an documentary about fighting off a coronavirus in the '80s
PhotoshopCrazy found an explorer getting to know the locals
I_Am_Weasel revealed the fact that we're actually all living in a giant shopping cart
Cosmix raised the question of who is scarier, the clown or the women who are walking on a wall
RedZoneTuba brought in an expert to work this machine
hail2daking changed ice to icing

Farktography:
CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 774: "Tools of the Trade 2" with an interest in making plans

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz, but with no one making the 1000 club. Pity, too, we have hand sanitizer and lots of toilet paper. Denjiro came out on top with 925, followed by dionysusaur right behind in second with 924 and Seussie in third with 922. runwiz made fourth with 912, and bradley547 took fifth with 910.

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was over a stabbing rampage in Bristol, England. Only 25% of quiztakers knew that a man had donned a pair of roller skates to speed his transition from victim to victim. Luckily, he was caught and the victims will survive, but I can't wait to hear what nickname he gets in prison. I being Britain, I'm sure he'll likely get an ASBO about using personal transportation with wheels for a while as well.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over the man who played as goalie for the Carolina Hurricanes on February 22. 91% of quiztakers knew that the NHL has weird rules about backup goalies - the home team has to make sure someone is available who is not signed to any NHL team, and that person can be claimed by either team if both of their goalies are injured. That's how a 42-year-old zamboni driver found himself with six saves and the win - and got to make the late-night talk show rounds as good publicity for the NHL.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the Monkeyface Prickleback. 56% of quiztakers knew that this was an unusual species of fish that lived solely off of algae. Since algae is easy to farm, so are the fish - and being vegetarian fish, they have a very mild taste. This could be the fish that helps return our seas to sustainability. I'm thinking they need a catchier name, though - I'm having a hard time envisioning this recommendation from a snooty French waiter.

The easiest question on last week's Easy Quiz was over Jif peanut butter and their intentionally misspelled label. 95% of quiztakers knew that choosy Moms choose educational stuff for their kids, and knew that you can buy a limited-edition Gif peanut butter jar to help remind you how to say the name of the animated image format. No word on if you had to click it to play.

Congratulations to the winners, and since you're in self-imposed Quarantine, be sure to check out this week's Quiz.


2020 Fark Fiction Anthology Submission Information (brought to you by toraque)

It's here!

The 2020 Fark Fiction Anthology is now open for submissions!  We're looking for the best short fiction up to 10,000 words in any of the following genres:

- Fantasy
- Science Fiction
- Humor
- Horror
- Mystery/Suspense/Thriller

As always, entries will be judged by our crack team of editors and Farkers, and the best submissions will be published in paperback and Kindle e-book editions!  Best of all, all proceeds will go to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, so it's all for a good cause!

Have a story to tell?  Want to show your fellow Farkers your literary genius?  Send us what you've got!
The 2020 Fark Fiction Anthology Official Entry And Submissions Page

You can see what your fellow Farkers have come up with over the previous four years right here!
Heart of Farkness: The 2016 Fark Fiction Anthology
Through a Scanner Farkly: The 2017 Fark Fiction Anthology
Everybody Panic: The 2018 Fark Fiction Anthology
Oh, No, Not Again!: The 2019 Fark Fiction Anthology

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A message from Drew Curtis:  
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Hey everyone, hope your week went well.

I know there are a ton of links about coronavirus lately, I'm trying to find funny ones at least.  As always, we have to work with the news cycle we've got.  Thanks to all our submitters for punching up headlines on not-funny news, you're doing the lord's work.

On a related note, on this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast: it wasn't easy but we managed to round up some funny coronavirus stories - including "Can you catch COVID-19 from farts?" and media outlets accidentally scaring the bejesus out of folks through bad punctuation, technology, and phrasing.

________________________

A message from toraque:  
________________________ 

It's here!

The 2020 Fark Fiction Anthology is now open for submissions!  We're looking for the best short fiction up to 10,000 words in any of the following genres:

- Fantasy
- Science Fiction
- Humor
- Horror
- Mystery/Suspense/Thriller

As always, entries will be judged by our crack team of editors and Farkers, and the best submissions will be published in paperback and Kindle e-book editions!  Best of all, all proceeds will go to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, so it's all for a good cause!

Have a story to tell?  Want to show your fellow Farkers your literary genius?  Send us what you've got!
The 2020 Fark Fiction Anthology Official Entry And Submissions Page

You can see what your fellow Farkers have come up with over the previous four years right here!
Heart of Farkness: The 2016 Fark Fiction Anthology
Through a Scanner Farkly: The 2017 Fark Fiction Anthology
Everybody Panic: The 2018 Fark Fiction Anthology
Oh, No, Not Again!: The 2019 Fark Fiction Anthology

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
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Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Weird Hal joined in on comparing the ages of various celebrities in a thread about Marisa Tomei
We Ate the Necco Wafers reacted to the news that Kirk Douglas left all of his money to charity
Snatch Bandergrip commented on death row inmate Dylann Roof's hunger strike
Hagbardr won while LuLaRoe salespeople lost
Desert Tripper had a special kind of appreciation for winter
Gordon Bennett gave an example of how much more slowly people age these days
Marisa Tomei isn't attractive enough for Skeleton Man
johnsoninca thought the decision by the owners of DC Comics to plan around the Generation Five (5G) storyline was misguided
bloobeary had a plan to solve Boy Scouts of America's financial problems
Mad Scientist was worried about Dylann Roof's experience in prison

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
The Pope of Manwich Village was upset to hear that Pope Francis is ill

Smart:
Benevolent Misanthrope pointed out that God works in mysterious ways
Ivo Shandor shared an example of how flat Earthers can save themselves some trouble
Magorn dissected a LuLaRoe "success" story
Kenneth Snow explained why scouting is worth saving
skyotter pointed out that something doesn't have to be a problem for you personally in order for you to understand that it's a problem
Cagey B chose to focus on the positive aspects of people having a hobby that others don't understand
dodecahedron figured that flat Earther Mike Hughes changed his mind about one thing before his rocket crashed
Hey Nurse! compared a personal experience of becoming a nurse to what a LuLaRoe rep paid for it
jaytkay knew why the founder of LuLaRoe got so creative when naming her brand
TotallyHeadless noticed a flaw in a young couple's financial planning

CSB Sunday Morning: What's the most unexpected thing you've ever seen someone do at work?
Smart: Adolf Oliver Nipples has a really awesome boss
Funny: Boe's former coworker had an important message to share on her way out the door
Note:Be sure to check out the thread. There are a lot of laughs to be had in the Funny votes and a lot to learn (especially for bosses) in the Smart pile.

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies). 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: rosekolodny learned what a potential buyer of some carboys (those big bottles used for home brewing) had in store for them - and there's also an update thread that includes a great story from rickythepenguin
Funny: IvyLady shared a sad story about a long(ish)-distance relationship
Smart: Smock Pot shared a photo of a cuddly kitty
Smart: meat0918 gave advice to someone who claims their boss can't make payroll on time
Funny: flucto got a trumpet ready to go out
Smart: We Ate the Necco Wafers worked out the math on a TotalFarker's relationship issue
Funny: Chris Ween read a headline and took a guess about the rest of the story
Smart: rosekolodny discussed how levels of poorness affect health care options

Politics Funny:
AdmirableSnackbar explained President Donald Trump's confusion during his visit to India
Weird Hal summed up what happened when Ted Cruz assumed Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez didn't know what a Y chromosome is
OdradekRex explained why Trump didn't know where he was
Sin'sHero cited evidence that Jesus would've been a Republican
dr_blasto figured that Trump is going to set yet another stock market record

Politics Smart:
NewportBarGuy wasn't too worried about the perception that America is surrendering
hubiestubert wanted to explain to Trump why he could stop worrying about the stock market so much
AdmirableSnackbar argued that the Democratic nomination will go to one of two candidates
Rozotorical sarcastically posted Chris Matthews' apology for relating Bernie Sanders winning the Democratic nomination to the Nazis taking France
Benevolent Misanthrope discussed groups like One Million Moms trying to keep their children from knowing about gay people


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking found a girlfriend for a guardian
Yammering_Splat_Vector put the class clown on the cover of the Fark yearbook
DarkJohnson showed the kind of camel a princess might have
hail2daking got help for some sad characters
retrophil added the propulsion this ship needed
RedZoneTuba showed us why Olive Oyl started dating Popeye
Yammering_Splat_Vector found the hardest working camel in the world
hail2daking wanted to destroy her sweater
hail2daking gave us a look at the first Batplane
PhotoshopCrazy captured Herbie's last ride
Cosmix found Michelin giving zero stars
hail2daking went to the cannibals' grocery store

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
DarkJohnson made an episode of "Fark Trek" along with a Photoshop

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 773: "Silver and Gold" ended in a Tutankhamuny tie between D_PaulAngel's photo of replicas of golden doors to the boy king's shrine and BecauseISaidSo's solar hawk horus figure

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another great time on the Quiz last week, with a bona-fide 1000 club winner. M-G took first place with 1025, but unfortunately the golden chalice is in the dishwasher, the big screen is acting funny, and the cat shed all over the throne. But hey, bragging rights, eh? Wizzywig took second with 938, followed by senorbdub in third with 928, Dead Skin Mask right behind in fourth with 925, and Irishyankee954 finishes out the top five with 904.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over where you could go to get a truly vegan cheeseburger with plant-based artificial cheese-like product on your artificial meat-like burger. Only 25% of quiztakers knew that it was White Castle who was the first to offer this - and were also the first to offer the Impossible burger patty at all locations. I'm guessing this is something Harold and Kumar won't be ordering in the next film.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about the flavoring ingredient in tonic water. 95% of quiztakers knew that tonic water was originally made as a way to make the malaria drug Quinine palatable (spoonful of sugar AND bubbles, I guess) to soldiers who needed the malaria treatment. I guess it was only natural that tonic water drinkers started adding gin to give them a more immediate satisfaction for stomaching the bitter stuff. Either that, or gin was the only booze they had and they added the tonic so they could get that horrible stuff down.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the meaning of "glabella." Only 50% of quiztakers knew that it was that space between your eyebrows that most people are either too obsessed or not obsessed enough with plucking hairs from. Its name comes from the bone that sits under there that connects your brows in your skull. Do with this information what you will.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the parentage of the singer Lourdes Leon. 85% of quiztakers knew that she was the daughter of pop singer Madonna. It makes sense, I guess - Lourdes is the town in France where the Virgin Mary (aka Madonna) was said to have appeared eighteen times to a local woman way back in 1858. Hopefully the pop singer Madonna (btw, that *is* her actual name from birth) has appeared more than eighteen times to her daughter. But who knows, with all the touring she's still doing.

Congratulations once again to the winners, and you can find this week's Fark Weird News Quiz right here.