________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone!  Hope your Fourth of July weekend went well.  Mine was great, although there were some unplanned fireworks in my kitchen when Chance (age 12) had a cooking mishap and accidentally set a pan-grilled quesadilla on fire.  On a related note, does anyone know if cast iron needs to be specially treated after getting hit with a fire extinguisher? Asking for a friend.

Speaking of unplanned fireworks, you may have read about a fire that destroyed a Jim Beam warehouse in Kentucky. Turns out it's not far from my house. I went out there Monday and took a photo, check my Instagram account if you want to see it (@drewcurtis). Burnt up the whole hillside. Interestingly, I was reminded this week that 45,000 barrels of bourbon has no impact on drinking water safety - other than making it taste a little bourbon-y. True story. Fish don't do too well in it, however.

Lots of parties coming up - I'll be at all of the following:

This Friday: Louisville/JVille Fark Party 6 p.m. at The Red Yeti. 
July 18th: San Diego - Hop-Con at Stone Liberty Station.  It's w00tstout 7.0, y'all. I may have a few extra tickets to this, so if the admission is too pricey for you, drop me an email. 
Probably July 26th Buffalo - location TBD more next week,

Also the Lexington w00tstout fundraiser for my upcoming bike ride from Manhattan to Buffalo ride is on deck.  I'm also considering offering bottles of w00tstout going all the way back to 1.0 for anyone who kicks in $50 - donate here.  Once I figure it out, I'll grandfather you in, so no time like the present to donate! I also need to hit my fundraising target or they make me sleep outside on the ground every night or something.  

Office Hours Friday should be on this week for all TotalFark members.  I meant to do it last week, but had too much to drink on a layover in Detroit during the time I'd planned to do the Office Hours thread.  Not delete-the-politics-tab drunk, but it was heading in that direction. Anyhow, we should be good this week!
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Bowen has a ready reply when asked about not drinking
optikeye let us know which people fap for an hour and a half
whither_apophis shared how Straight Pride Parade organizers knew some mail they received was suspicious
Gubbo described how "fivesomes" work
Louisiana_Sitar_Club gave a mommy blogger a cool new sign
Dead for Tax Reasons didn't realize that the answer was "neither of them"
Marcus Aurelius has a cake problem
neongoats had a hunch about what was the cause of a mommy blogger's problem
Dr.Fey rewrote a headline to make it more Farkish
I heard Jack Sabbath liked a headline about what can be found in a drop of Lake Michigan water
isamudyson had a theory about the cause of an explosion in a Florida mall

Smart:
Farking Clown Shoes wanted a 16-year-old rapist to face additional charges
tjsands1118 suggested some changes for the use of prison labor
holdmybones found something worse than "poor boys born to bad families"
ReapTheChaos thought that a mommy blogger was wrong about telling people she doesn't drink
wejash's would have been decapitated if it weren't for Mad Magazine
Gordon Bennett figured out who really stole and IV from a hosptial
Harry Freakstorm suggested the legal way in which a woman should have handled the situation with her abusive husband
jtown recognized a common crime
MeatBrains had a strange kind of jealousy
kab wasn't impressed by a mommy blogger's complaint about feeling left out

CSB Sunday Morning:  Fourth of July
Smart: davidphogan's favorite Fourth of July was in 1997
Funny: DocBubba's friend acted as a good example of what not to do

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Firstly, I want to say that boy howdy, TotalFark Discussion had a LOT of selfie threads last week! However, per popular request, I don't link to those in the NotNewsletter, so any voyeurs out there should calm down.
Funny: JerseyTim shared a story about a friend's divorce
Funny: flucto found the need for a new comment voting button
Smart: swaniefrmreddeer did some sightseeing without having to go anywhere
Funny: flucto designed a pill container for generalDisdain
Smart: generalDisdain made good use of a day
Smart: The Pope of Manwich Village explained why the name "Karen" is being used in so many internet jokes
Funny: Ass_Master_Flash added a helpful reminder to a lovely photo

Politics Funny:
wet drum sandwich gave us the actual definition of socialism
italie pointed out Joe Biden's biggest failure
null figured out how Donald Trump could get all the attention he's always wanted
naughtyrev thought of a naughty reason for the sudden cancellation of Mike Pence's trip to New Hampshire
Weatherkiss knew knew how Trump would react to people not wanting to attend his Fourth of July celebration

Politics Smart:
Mantour summed up a Trump supporter's definition of socialism
mrshowrules thought that an interview betrayed what conservatives really fear about socialism
Pocket Ninja pointed out the types of internet posts Rep. Frederica Wilson wants people to be prosecuted for
HMS_Blinkin had a theory about border patrol agents
edmo suggested many ways for opposing campaigns to needle Trump until he has a meltdown


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Don_cos showed Princess Leia not wearing the top of her bikini
Alligator gave Leia a treasure
Alligator revealed what was under plague doctors' masks
Stantz discovered a fighting skeleton's worst enemy
noazark helped this fox make like a tree
RedZoneTuba found out why cats don't often buy boats
Don_cos killed this sea anemone
Snubnose showed a suspicious arrangement
I_Am_Weasel spotted a mere cat among prairie dogs
Herb Utsmelz tried to get an answer to an age-old question

Caption:
markie_farkie knew where to buy distinctive linens

Farktography:
scruffythecat won Farktography Contest No. 739: "Boom 3" with a flying sea anemone

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Submit Your Writing for the Fark Fiction Anthology (brought to you by toraque)

It's the start of July, and you know what that means!  Well, yeah, fireworks and cookouts and all that. But even more important, we're down to one month to go for submissions for the fourth annual Fark Fiction Anthology!

The 2019 Fark Fiction Anthology

That's right, we're looking for high quality short fiction from Farkers of all ages!  Our team of editors is standing by to select the best entries, which will be published on Amazon with all proceeds going to an excellent charity chosen by your fellow Farkers!  New to writing? And old hand with hundreds of novels to your name? Either way, let the world see what you've got!

We're looking for original fiction no longer than 10,000 words in length, in any of the following genres or categories:
·  Fantasy
·  Science Fiction
·  Humor
·  Horror
·  Suspense/mystery/thriller
Submissions close on July 31. Terms and conditions apply.  Entries will be folded, stamped, and spindled.  Wipe hands on pants.

Interested?  You can see what your fellow Farkers have done in the last few years at these links!

Heart of Farkness: The 2016 Fark Fiction Anthology
Through a Scanner Farkly: The 2017 Fark Fiction Anthology
Everybody Panic! The 2018 Fark Fiction Anthology

Want to become part of Fark Literary Greatness?  Want to cast your flowery genius as pearls before swine?  Want to inflict Vogon Poetry on some hapless editors? Send us what you've got!


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Friday, July 12: Jeffersonville, IN Fark Party - and Drew will be there
Thursday, July 18: San Diego Fark Party - Hop-Con 7.0 & w00tstout release party with Drew

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, please use the Fark Party submission form.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone - happy July 4th weekend!  Or almost, anyhow. I've had some crazy travel lately and there's lots of stuff going on. Let's get down to it!

Louisville/Jeffersonville Fark Party July 12th!  A longtime Farker who runs one of the dozens of Fark-related Facebook groups and his mom are visiting the area, and it seemed like a great time to have one, plus it's been a while since we had a local one.  We'll be at The Red Yeti, a venue known for its great craft beer selection, and one that I stumbled into accidentally back in 2013 to find they had a keg of w00tstout on. 

San Diego Comic Con Fark Party at Stone Liberty Station July 18th!  Stone does a huge party to celebrate the launch of w00tstout every year, this year's batch is 7.0.  Tickets can be purchased here. Come check it out - in particular, I'm doing a new beer with Rebecca Watson called Gamer Tears, which is a salt cucumber lime gose with turmeric and rose water.  That combination probably sounds strange, but Stone's brewmaster says it turned out fantastic! Also attending will be (among others) Aisha Tyler, who will be pouring her own beer, so if you've ever wanted to meet her, now's the time.  

Sometime this month, I'll be hosting a fundraiser in Lexington for my charity ride across New York at the end of July.  Every year since we brewed w00tstout 1.0, I've received a keg that I've kept at the Chase Brewing Company in downtown Lexington.  Now seems like the perfect time to put the keg of 1.0 on. Date's TBA, and if we manage to float that keg, I'll put on a keg of w00tstout 2.0 so we can keep going.  More on this in a bit. Meanwhile, if anyone's feeling like donating to help fight cancer, please do so here.

Finally, if you haven't already, don't forget to sign up for TotalFark!  Office hours Friday last week (TotalFark only) was a very interesting discussion about how advertising works on the internet and how advertisers try to retarget you as you move from site to site.  I'm flying this Friday evening, which means I'll be both drinking and bored on a plane, so you know what that means: hilarity is sure to ensue. Sign up for TotalFark today so you can find out what all that's about.

And that's (finally) it for this week!  Everyone stay safe and don't do anything that would land you in the news on Fark's main page

________________________ 

And now....
________________________

A special message from toraque:  
________________________  

It's the start of July, and you know what that means!  Well, yeah, fireworks and cookouts and all that. But even more important, we're down to one month to go for submissions for the fourth annual Fark Fiction Anthology!

The 2019 Fark Fiction Anthology

That's right, we're looking for high quality short fiction from Farkers of all ages!  Our team of editors is standing by to select the best entries, which will be published on Amazon with all proceeds going to an excellent charity chosen by your fellow Farkers!  New to writing? And old hand with hundreds of novels to your name? Either way, let the world see what you've got!

We're looking for original fiction no longer than 10,000 words in length, in any of the following genres or categories:
·  Fantasy
·  Science Fiction
·  Humor
·  Horror
·  Suspense/mystery/thriller
Submissions close on July 31. Terms and conditions apply.  Entries will be folded, stamped, and spindled.  Wipe hands on pants.

Interested?  You can see what your fellow Farkers have done in the last few years at these links!

Heart of Farkness: The 2016 Fark Fiction Anthology
Through a Scanner Farkly: The 2017 Fark Fiction Anthology
Everybody Panic! The 2018 Fark Fiction Anthology

Want to become part of Fark Literary Greatness?  Want to cast your flowery genius as pearls before swine?  Want to inflict Vogon Poetry on some hapless editors? Send us what you've got!

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 

Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
NateAsbestos made a very unfortunate typo, but deserved it for the earworm
Farking Clown Shoes refused to be in a commercial that koder suggested
bearded clamorer explained why a woman couldn't pay half price for a cake just because she ate the other half of it while shopping
Sin_City_Superhero helped figure out who the woman was who ate half a cake while shopping
MrBallou figured out the secret to survive without food by only consuming air
markie_farkie defended the person who misspelled "stop" at an intersection
ralphjr showed us how we know Hooters is a quality restaurant
Calypsocookie welcomed everyone to Fark
guestguy demonstrated how you can get energy from breathing instead of from food
LordOfThePings sent out a well-timed greeting

Smart:
Sliding Carp wanted to slide an ant farm right into somebody else's home
GreenAdder had some good advice for Pizza Hut if they really want to remind people that they're the "OG" pizza chain
hobnail is part of a congregation that was expelled from the Evangelical Covenant Church for supporting LGBT equality, and hobnail submitted an article about it and described the much more important things they could focus on now that that was over with
Birnone shared a pet peeve about parking spaces reserved for people with disabilities
Gordon Bennett shared something about a lawyer representing a woman who was beaten by a racist teenager who had bullied her son
FrabjousDay saw some difficulties most people would face if they tried to live without "petroleum, electricity, and money"
khatores gave some really bad advice
Fissile's parents got into a property line dispute with a neighbor, so Fissile was getting a kick out of this story
Alcaste argued that the controversial arrest of a street artist could have been due to racism
itsdan thought that Dewey Fidalgo's grandma's reaction to deciding to go without things like electricity and indoor plumbing sounded like another odd choice that some people make

CSB Sunday Morning:  Summer vacation stories
Smart: caddisfly made the absolute most of a road trip to check out grad schools
Funny: FirstDennis told a story that seemed like an allegory for the marriage within it

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: steklo found out what happens when you use Fark's "ignore" feature on your own account
Funny: Shostie had a bit more information about diaries
Smart: optikeye gave advice to someone who was having marital issues
Funny: Earthworm Jim Jones was confused by a bit of sex advice
Smart: generalDisdain apparently isn't into handing out keys
Funny: oldfarthenry helped someone who couldn't remember what kind of car it was that "looked just like a Bentley"
Funny: rickythepenguin corrected a misunderstanding about "mansplaining"

Politics Funny:
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat had a reply when Donald Trump claimed that "all of the [world] leaders" showered him with praise
enry once had an experience that seemed to explain Trump's answer to a question about busing
Precious Roy's Horse Dividers knew why the White House mysteriously went on lockdown
whither_apophis learned something from an image that Raoul Eaton posted to show how big Iran is
Mr. Coffee Nerves told us how much two very different groups of people have in common

Politics Smart:
Precious Roy's Horse Dividers wanted to hear some stories
Walker thought that a Supreme Court decision was the final nail in the coffin
abb3w had an explanation for a Supreme Court ruling that Trump was confused about
JerseyTim had a suggestion for what to call the U.S.'s immigrant containment centers since the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum put out a statement asking that other events not be compared to the Holocaust
JerseyTim wanted more Democrats to go head to head with Republicans, and gave examples


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking noticed that Calvin put his talent to good use working for SpaceX
Stantz showed us that some coyotes never learn
noazark led the United Nations Security Council in a singalong
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel found a new documentary on Netflix
RedZoneTuba did the obligatory Photoshop of a doorway
Parallax shined up a familiar hotel's floor
Cork on Fork turned a Photoshop contest into a learning opportunity
RedZoneTuba gave us something to be laughin' about
Stantz created a three-dimensional tessellation in motion
RedZoneTuba showed that these bee-eaters are also jaybirds

Farktography:
Circusdog320 won Farktography Contest No. 738: "One (More) For the Road" while riding off into the sunset

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Friday, July 12: Jeffersonville, IN Fark Party - and Drew will be there
Thursday, July 18: San Diego Fark Party - Hop-Con 7.0 & w00tstout release party with Drew

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, please use the Fark Party submission form.


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

We had a good time on the Quiz posting ketchup GIFs, but it's still an abomination on hot dogs no matter how silly the GIF. On the Quiz itself, bradley547 takes top honors with 988, followed by the_colonel in second with 940 and Tax Boy in third with 936. Sliding Carp makes fourth with 915, and lulululu_1 rounds out the top five with 914.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was about where you'll soon be able to go to dive down and see a Boeing 747 at the bottom of the ocean, among other things at at a huge underwater amusement park. Only 30% of quiztakers knew their Middle Eastern geography - Bahrain is the most northern of the options. I guess CNN isn't covering this much since even though it *is* a plane under water, they actually know exactly where it is. That and Anderson Cooper probably looked at the story and glared at his producers with a "Seriously, guys?"

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over space exploration. Several months before Apollo 11, NASA launched Apollo 10 as a "dry run" in which they sent a module to lunar orbit complete with a "dummy" lander. Instead of sending the lander onto the moon to make a big crater, they launched it into space. 82% of quiztakers knew that the module was nicknamed after its unofficial mascot - Snoopy. It seems he's been cursing the Red Baron from open space for 50 years now, and a team of astronomers think they may have located it. Five bucks says it's got the words "Kilroy was here" somewhere in it.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the HumanCharger, a $150 set of earbuds from Finnish company Valkee. Only 41% of quiztakers knew that the device(s) shone LED lights into your ears for some silly reason. I have this vision stuck in my head of the people who thought this was a great idea only putting in one and it illuminating stuff on the opposite side of their heads. And yeah, that was a cheap joke, but seriously, this idea doesn't deserve any additional thought.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which Coen Brothers character that actor John Turturro was reprising in a new spin-off film. 78% of quiztakers knew that 21 years later, nobody would fark with the Jesus, and the new adventures of the minor The Big Lebowski character would soon be available for our viewing pleasure. It is a testament to Tuturro's abilities as an actor that he made such a despicable person a fan favorite character. I can't wait to see if he really does pull the trigger until it goes "click." 

If you missed the quiz, you can catch up (and ketchup) right here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.


Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-23 to Sat 2019-06-29:

Folgers Crystals

Not News: Man crashes demolition derby car. Fark: Not during a demolition derby. Source checks out

ᴋɪʟʟ ᴀʟʟ ʜᴜᴍᴀɴꜱ?

UFO struck by lightning

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. speaks out against vaccinations, says that shots killed his dad and uncle

Satellite image shows PNG volcano erupting, no doubt sending molten images everywhere

Congo mine collapse kills 36 artisanal miners. I bet you've never heard of artisanal miners. They're pretty underground

Man arrested for recording other men peeing at bowling alley. See, this is what happens when you leave your mind in the gutter while looking for balls

French fry

Free seafood bouillabaisse in California. All you can eat. Get it while the ocean's hot


Sports:

Kawhi-fornia

Kobe and his wife now only one daughter short of a future all-Bryant WNBA team

MeekMahan finally gets unrelated adults in the room by promoting Paul Heyman and rehiring Eric Bischoff, since the wrestling was better in 1999 anyhow

The Coyotes pull a Mos Eisley, makes the Kessel run. You submitted this headline 12 parsecs ago


Geek:

Why not trei a holiday in the Netherlands? See the lovlei flowers. And the wønderful telephone system

Much like many of its kids, the antivaxxer movement isn't growing to maturity

Valve is in favor of keeping older libs around

In a real gut punch, researchers argue that Parkinson's disease may start in the gastrointestinal tract and travel to the brain because what happens in vagus doesn't stay in vagus


Entertainment:

Netflix press release acknowledges public outcry, vows to not make any more episodes of Good Omens

"Evening, everybody." "PENNYWISE"

Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife has died. Of all the bra's he chased down, hers was the biggest

♫ I'm coming out, so you'd better get this party started ♫


Politics:

Ravelry, a social networking site for knitters and crocheters, has announced a ban on posts supporting Donald Trump. Word has it they can't abide such a bad weave

On the plus side, at least there was vetting at all

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-own to Clown) takes first step toward implementing Shakira law

FiveThirtyEight posts the most FiveThirtyEight article ever

Eric Trump went out for a cocktail in Chicago and was spit on by an employee. He's lucky they just didn't give him the Malort

"'Twitter is just terrible, what they do. They don't let you get the word out,' Trump told Fox Business News." And we have just witnessed division by zero

Pregnant woman in Alabama charged with manslaughter after she's shot. Wait, that can't be right

Chuck Woolery said the quiet part out loud, or quoted a passage from that Margaret Atwood novel, hard to tell which

Chuck Norris wishes he were as nice as Elizabeth Warren

But honey, the affairs were part of my job as a Congressman

Asked about school busing, President Trump displays a nuanced mastery of the subject that neither Harris nor Biden were able to show at the Democratic Debate


Business:

The maker of Botox has been bought for smooth $63 billion and nobody barely blinked an eye

Oh look, the tulips are blossoming again

Women pay over $12,000 during their lifetime for menstruation. Such a deal

Finally, imagine your chicken crossing the road in style


Discussion:

...it's a streetlight

50 hidden meanings behind common dreams. Subby is still running down his

Kiddoes back in the day sang songs about sexism, communism, and ax murderers while skipping rope. How lovely


D'awww:

Rare 40-ton albino humpback whale turns 30 and makes annual appearance off Sydney coast, just like it was orcastrated

San Diego firefighters rescue injured baby hummingbird, will now try and teach it the lyrics

Mountain lion found in tree tagged, now she's it

♫ Doe, a deer, a pregnant deer ♫ May have twins or just one son ♫ Three is rare, but albinos ♫ Are like 20K to one ♫


Food:

Pickle pizza party

£900 cheese. I bet it smells like ass

Obviously Drew has never been to Yoshinoya

Bourbon

________________________ 

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

We're almost halfway through 2019. How the fark did that happen? I'm still writing "2018" on my checks, except that I don't write checks, because it's 2019.

Anyway, a couple of Farkers got listed three times in a row in their categories this week, and I swear I'm not playing favorites. It's due to all y'all's votes and all theirall's cleverness. Be sure to check out the FarkStaff Picks this week for a laugh, a tear, and a sore crotch - not necessarily in that order.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
HotWingConspiracy really enjoys videos of women eating photos of PewDiePie
Psychopusher suggested a new name for Boeing's troubled 737 Max
LewDux explained how a woman left behind on an Air Canada plane faced a 40 to 50 foot drop
HighlanderRPI extrapolated from the suggestion that aluminum in your deodorant can cause Alzheimer's
Benjimin_Dover was offended by the brouhaha caused by a "most annoying boy" trophy being given to a boy with autism
Heamer made a comment about the founder of the Biblical Flat Earth Society being arrested for child sexual exploitation
Johnny the Tackling Alzheimers Patient discussed where the new reality show "Love Island" will be filmed
jbc thought that a NASCAR-sponsoring CEO of a group of RV dealerships chose the wrong flag
ecisouji had another name for Boeing's 737 Max
Dr.Fey used a silly Fark meme

Smart:
dugitman gave more information about a Catholic school that refused to fire a gay teacher
Loris questioned a police officer's story after he killed a man and wounded his parents
GardenWeasel summed up why a business owner was fighting so hard to be allowed to fly an oversized flag
Myrdinn guessed at why Jesuits tend to be different from other Catholics
spongeboob wondered if a giant flag lover loves his giant flag enough
LowbrowDeluxe answered how a man who threatened to kill every gay person he could would decide who's gay
Gyrfalcon explained why it's beneficial to have children with autism in mainstream classes
NewportBarGuy had something to say about people who are horny for the U.S. flag
khatores compared Jesuses
shaggai commented on the Archdiocese of Indianapolis breaking with a Jesuit school that refused to fire a teacher for being gay

12th Annual Father's Day thread: What would you say to your dad today if you could?
Smart:  Circusdog320 had a message for a father who showed how to love and support your children
Funny: Gulper Eel wanted to thank Dad and also offer him a little fashion advice

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

Bonus FarkStaff Picks:
TWX thought that a town that was considering increasing size limits on flags sounded familiar
Cthulhu Theory learned how surprisingly tolerant Farkers are about what goes on between consenting adults
Mentat succinctly stated what happened when Harry Styles and Michelle Obama participated in a celebrity dodgeball game (and be sure to watch the video if you haven't seen it)
Notabunny told us about a woman who inspired a shy little girl by sharing an amazing story. Some Farkers in the thread knew who that woman was, and Notabunny used that information to contact her. Here's the followup.  Notabunny, please contact me when you have the ending to this story. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: generalDisdain had good news and bad news
Funny: steklo showed a familiar kid learning about Fark
Smart: libranoelrose gave legal advice for someone going through a divorce
Funny: meat0918 chose a first name that's a red flag when you're looking for a date
Funny: ThomasPaineTrain hopefully was listing things not to do on a date
Funny: ThomasPaineTrain translated a foster kitten's thoughts for us
Funny: ThomasPaineTrain was able to make out what a sign said for Smock Pot

Politics Funny:
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That reacted to news that Alex Jones sent incriminating files to lawyers of people suing him
Miss5280 had an explanation for the huge mess Donald Trump supporters left behind after his rally
hubiestubert pointed out that Alex Jones' offer to pay to have a lawyer's head put on a pike was indeed compassionate
Cake Hunter translated the hidden message in Texas Senator John Cornyn's complaint about the state's growing Hispanic population
vudukungfu had a problem stemming from a Minnesotan's displeasure that refugees are coming from Somalia instead of Norway

Politics Smart:
somedude210 listed the stages of Russian interference in the 2016 election
Weaver95 predicted what the next White House press secretary's job will be like
Pavia_Resistance explained why Matt Gaetz didn't ask his colleagues which reporter was asking them if they hated Gaetz
Jake Havechek pointed out that more people died in the Holocaust than people seem to remember
Marcus Aurelius knew how to tell whether or not a cross is a religious symbol


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
verchad caught this child getting a bad review
hail2daking went for a flawless victory
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel found out what happens when seafood fights back
Alligator gave this kid a fever
hail2daking showed us some avian watersports
Yammering_Splat_Vector made a threatening fidget spinner
Yammering_Splat_Vector built the boat to use for a Fark cruise
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave an example of a fish cat, not to be confused with a catfish
Mojongo found that maybe Sonny Liston wasn't so hard to beat after all
RedZoneTuba showed how a child can beat an apparent giant

Farktography:
CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 737: "Golly G" with Grandpa's gears

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, July 18: San Diego Fark Party - Hop-Con 7.0 & w00tstout release party with Drew

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, please use the Fark Party submission form.


Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)


Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-16 to Sat 2019-06-22:

Morsi has died. For those unfamiliar with the ousted Egyptian president, he used to need a job and then he found a job and heaven knows he was miserable then

Two arrested and four people seriously injured in shooting during Toronto Raptors Championship Parade. If it weren't for poor shooting and multiple injuries, they wouldn't be having a parade in the first place

I learned a thing or two from laundry don't you know. You better stay away from copperhead loads

Magician's body found. TA-DAA

Woman claims she was nearly hit by falling tree on golf course. Apparently, no one shouted 'FOREST'

NASA launches new missions to the sun. Don't worry, they are going at night

This story has it all: "Christian Fundamentalist," "Biblical Flat Earth Society," and "56 counts of child sexual exploitation," Okay, I could've lived without that last bit

Santa Anita Park might as well be sponsored by Elmer's at this point


Sports:

Finally, a MLB player has the skill (and courage) to expose the weakness of the shift

Johnny Manziel says he's still interested in the XFL. Although after playing in the NFL, CFL and AAF he has pretty much run through the entire alphabet

At least it wasn't his penis

First ever WTA meeting of Identical twins goes all the way to a third set tiebreaker. Fans puzzled how two opposing players could be so evenly matched


Geek:

Happy birthday to M. C. Escher. You submitted this with a more involved headline..enildaeh devlovni erom a htiw siht dettimbus uoY .rehcsE .C .M ot yadhtrib yppaH

Are we addicted to the 'like' button? You submitted this earlier from multiple links with better headlines

Astronomers see the "warm" glow of Uranus' rings. You submitted this after Hot Wing Wednesday

Narwhals, narwhals swimming in the ocean, boning some belugas, causing a commotion


Entertainment:

On this day in 2013, entertainment community shocked to learn that James Gandolfini had di

Hey, Harry Styles: It's "dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge." Nowhere in there does it say "jump"

It hasn't been his day, his week, his month or even his year


Politics:

Minnesota niiiiiiice

🎵  Wasting away, the moments that make America great. Fritter away the power in an offhand way-hey. Searching around for a great line with a lost mind🎵

Trump 2020 runs false ads on Facebook in clear violation of their ad rule. So Fark should run a false ad themselves and sue Facebook when they take it down. It'll shut down Facebook, pay for Fark for eternity or stop Trump ads. Everybody wins

Pete Buttigieg: "I would imagine we've probably had presidents who were gay, we just didn't know which ones." We're looking at YOU, James Buchanan

Second Amendment advocate pissed off about First Amendment realities

Nashville residents terribly upset that someone increased the font size on the footnotes

Angela Merkel is probably great at making martinis, terrible at stealing tambourines

Roy Moore announces campaign to re-elect Doug Jones

In case you were wondering what Jacob Wohl is up to these days, he's professing to be the "male sex symbol of right wing politics." And if that doesn't start you re-evaluating your life choices, Subby doesn't think anything else ever will

Jared Kushner's "deal of the century" Middle East plan includes a genuine, bona-fide, electrified high-speed rail. What about us Gaza slobs? You'll all be given cushy jobs. Is there a chance the track could bend? Not on your life, my Muslim friend


Business:

Mapping error in your favor, collect a few million dollars

♬♬ Love Slack, Baby, Love Slack ♬♬

South Australia is close to fully decriminalizing all work 'down under'


Discussion:

YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I ORDERED THE MSNBC DISCUSSION THREAD. It starts at 8PM ET

What's the worst thing you've woken up to? Probably not worse than a stray dog eating your testicle, but probably still bad


D'awww:

Rarely to the words "Cat placement game" arrange themselves in exactly that order. But they do in this game called, "Isle of Cats"

Dogs have evolved to con their way into the D'awww tab

Itty bitty tiny fruit eating German Shepard

It's perfectly fine to look for a quiet dog breed that won't bark too much. Because sometimes you want something other than a malamute


Food:

"Hey, when did very small rocks become part of the breakfast wrap?"

Ragu recalls thousands of sauces due to bonus plastic

How to cook the perfect steak (sometimes subby just wants to start a fight)

________________________ 

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Next month I'll be cycling from Manhattan to Buffalo to raise money for the Roswell Park Alliance Foundation to fight cancers.  If you're up for making a donation so that one day Fark can retire its "still no cure for cancer" meme, you can donate via Facebook here.

Thanks to a drunk suggestion by a friend, I have recently renamed the fundraiser "Cancer Sucks Balls."

Anyhow, we're making several overnight stops along the way - wouldn't mind meeting up with some folks and having a few Fark meetups along the way.  

Day 1: 56 miles to Stony Point
Day 2: 77 miles to Barrytown
Day 3: 92 miles to Schenectady
Day 4: 83 miles to Utica
Day 5: 85 miles to Weedsport
Day 6: 77 miles to Spencerport
Day 7: 73 miles to Niagara Falls/Buffalo

Also, looks like I'll be in Buffalo the evenings of July 26th AND August 3rd, so we could do TWO Fark parties if anyone's game?  Lemme know (email drew at Fark dot com)!

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That answered and reacted to a question
MythDragon shared some helpful information about dirty sheets
Bill the unknowing was worried about what might happen after a high school valedictorian's graduation speech
scottydoesntknow explained why a woman who had a racist note on her receipt corrected an error about her car
We Ate the Necco Wafers noticed that an article about a cop arresting someone for repossessing his car buried the lede
stevenboof had a problem with another Farker's comment
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That somehow came through in a thread about a former stripper becoming a firefighter
BumpInTheNight mocked another Farker's sheet-washing regimen
Non Sequitur Man was surprised to see someone
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That reacted to someone calling Bo Burnham a "B grade" celebrity

Smart:
MeatBrains knew what a 4-year-old should have done instead of stealing a doll
JTtheCajun defended a valedictorian who called out teachers and staff during her speech for not doing their jobs well
bloobeary reacted to police arresting a tow truck driver who tried to repossess an officer's car
gaspode thought that some cops' excuses were pretty weak
FlashHarry saw evidence to back up a valedictorian's complaints about her school
khitsicker won't have trouble finding employment due to having made an angry valedictory speech
moos figured out who planted illegal and egregious content on Alex Jones' servers
Vansthing talked about a recent amusement park visit
blastoh figured Alex Jones could take a different route if someone planted something on his server
Asa Phelps had an idea about why customers were unable to open Costco's emergency exit doors

CSB Sunday Morning:   The last straw
Smart: stir22 shared a moving story about what it's like to have to close off your emotions when working in medicine
Funny:  gordian told a story about two wailing women and a screeching chihuahua

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: envirovore had a message for a disappointed god
Funny: Literally Addicted ranted about Mom's rant
Funny: JerseyTim tried to imagine what it's like to deal with what a submitter was annoyed about
Funny: sarahthustra guessed what type of situation a submitter cried to get out of
Smart: Badafucoand TomFooolery posted  photos of kittens

Politics Funny:
Grand_Moff_Joseph wanted the White House press corps to throw a goodbye party for Sarah Sanders
Naido had a good argument in favor of the metric system
culebra corrected a headline referring to Donald Trump as "the Eye of Sauron"
ZAZ's interest was piqued by a threat from John McAfee
somedude210 reacted to the Fark headline, "Trump: I cast Executive Privilege at the House. DM: You have awakened the House. It catches you and eats you"

Politics Smart:
Cache had some encouraging words for Trump
wademh didn't think Trump would change his methods during the upcoming presidential election
cman figured it's time to hurry up and get things moving
wademh argued that it's fine to question the patriotism of a veteran who was injured while serving
Epic Fap Session addressed blaming immigrants for their own deaths in ICE custody


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking gave Miley Cyrus a pearl earring
maxandgrinch showed us what these people are running from
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel gave this bush some tongue
Alligator found The Blue Boy with a gold face
retrophil went retro with these operators
Yammering_Splat_Vector put this plant on a gnome dome
Alligator shared an early image of Jimi Hendrix
Thrakkorzog gave Putin Les Amours Contrariées
hail2daking was gonna need these employees to go ahead and come in on Sunday
Stantz had very dangerous shooting practice
Yammering_Splat_Vector found a kid who's very upset about being lied to

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 736: "Fur Babies" ended in a tie between Herb Utsmelz's wary wiener dog with a floofy feline and pxlboy's Stephen King-reading kitty. Be sure to check out the whole thread if you like photos of adorable pets.

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, June 20 & Saturday, June 22: Buffalo, NY Fark Party events - Shakespeare in the Park (Thursday) & Brewers Festival (Saturday)


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Hey folks, we had a fun time talking about "canned" pickles in a jar on the quiz this week. And we've got plenty of pickles stocked up in the 1000 club... which unfortunately won't be enjoyed this time around. Denjiro comes out on top with 963, followed by dionysusaur in second with 921 and baka-san in third with 907. Texa$ made fourth with 897, and MostlyLurking lurked enough to make the top five with 888.  

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over where you'll soon be able to see an anime based on Magic: The Gathering. only 33% of quiztakers caught the article about the Russo brothers producing a series for Netflix. I'm starting to think Netflix is becoming the Uwe Boll of intellectual property no one really wants, except they actually hire talented people. All they need is Jenji Kohan to head up the writers's room and they'd have an Emmy-award winning series about the Gen X equivalent of a ladies' bridge club that meets every second Tuesday.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over which Asian capital city the UN considered to be the most polluted in the world. 81% of quiztakers knew that it was New Delhi in India, where they have a garbage pile that will likely be taller than the Taj Mahal within the next year. It makes me wonder if people might soon be moving back to Old Delhi where they can begin the gentrification with a Whole Foods and maybe a Starbucks or six. 

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over the rebranding of the Seattle Seahawks' dance squad from "The Sea Gals" now that they have guys dancing as well. Only 44% of quiztakers knew that the Front Office had gone with the boring old "Seahawks Dancers" instead of the AWESOME name "Sea Breeze," which I totally came up with and demand tickets to any game where they play the Falcons if they use it.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was about a bit of a translation issue with Heinz's new "we're out of ideas so let's just throw crap in the same container" line of "combo-ments." 81% of quiztakers knew that in the most common Cree dialect spoken by First Nations people in Canada, the portmanteau "Mayochup" roughly translates to "sh*t face," which I guess is pretty accurate, in that that's the condition I would need to be in to think this is something I would want on my fries.

If you missed out on the quiz, or have an excellent pickle recipe (or GIF), you can catch up on it here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.


Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)

Welcome again to Headline of the Week!

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-09 to Sat 2019-06-15:

Japanese F-35 pilot fails to disengage WWII simulation mode. Yes, subby is a bad person

"Police will handle amorous snapping turtles." When they're on the road, it takes a while to get them off

DC museum to archive Anne Frank's father's correspondence, as soon as they find someone who can read braille

Pilot who crashed helicopter in Manhattan radioed that he was lost. Then it hit him

Record heat expected in Seattle, as thousands of residents emerge from the haze to hiss at the sun

Armed intruder flees apartment by jumping out of third-story window before being caught by police. Bail set at $100K, as he's definitely a flight risk

Grace Jones dead. Short illness, judging by how pale she looks in recent photo

Federal Authorities raid 8chan, will spend years in therapy for various rule 34 violations

Californians better start raking the woods a lot more thoroughly than they did last year


Sports:

David Ortiz shot in Dominican Republic, is in stable condition. Doctors say he's lucky he didn't get shot in Luxembourg or Testes

As expected, Kyrie Irving opts out of his Celtics contract, says he's looking for a deal that could pay him $141 million over five years, to be paid in a flat fee just like the Earth

Brett Hull gives one of the drunkest speeches in Stanley Cup history or as one fan called it, he's that episode where Bender becomes human


Geek:

Another reason America's murder rate has declined: cell phones, which ended drug dealers' turf wars by reducing dicey in-person disputes over price and quality. Now America's OD rate has increased, so we're still dying from drugs, but more quietly

Rob Liefeld declares DC Comics is "gonna drive off a cliff." Unclear how they'll do this without feet to hold down the gas pedal

Kentucky now rated as one of the least green states. It's so bad there that even the grass is blue

Which leads us to propose the novel theory that the T. rex died out because of skunks


Entertainment:

Sotheby's to auction lock of Beethoven's hair, presumably not from a lud wig

Iron Maiden, Judas Priest planning to embark on a US tour in 2020. Support acts expected include: Testament, Obituary, Depends, Geritol, Doan's Pills

Conservationists really wish tourists would get over Machu Picchu


Politics:

Republican Senator Josh Hawley says studying Watergate is a waste of time because it happened before he was born. Which is exactly what happened when no one bothered to study Vietnam before they got us into Iraq

Trump: I cast Executive Privilege at the House. DM: You have awakened the House. It catches you and eats you

Royal Albert Hall shows off the new redecorations in its killer Prince of Whales Room

Fox news apologizes for airing a clip of Rep. John Lewis while talking about Rep. Elijah Cummings, said they didn't realize we had two of them now

White House announces that Sarah Sanders will resign as Press Secretary at the end of June. Sarah Sanders expected to deny the report out of pure instinct

Chuka Umunna leaves Independent Group to join Liberal Democrats, takes a whiskey drink, takes a vodka drink, takes a lager drink, takes a cider drink

FARK seemingly uninterested in greenlighting the fact that we're transferring control of ICE's concentration camps to the military to prevent oversight. So let's pretend Joe Biden grabbed somebody's ass on camera or something. Yeah, that's the ticket


Business:

Defense contractors Raytheon and United Technologies announce merger, new entity to be named Omni Consumer Products

Fiat Chrysler recalls truck line for living up to its name

Chewy IPO raises $1 billion *triumphant Wookiee growl*


Discussion:

Here's how to handle that one slacker coworker you have to deal with day in and day out. And, if you think they don't exist, then you're the slacker

My wife drinks too much, has never bathed our 7-year-old son and now wants a divorce. Should I be reading Slate?

A somewhat late review of Slaughterhouse-Five by Salman Rushdie


D'awww:

Man who runs a dog and cat rescue takes in a lost baby goat who goes on to become the most popular kid living there

Cocker Spaniel has Fainting Goat Syndrome, but he may just be faking it for extra belly rubs

Baby elephant takes its very first wobbly steps, tries to iron out a few wrinkles

Happiness is getting thicker - And Harmony's getting larrrrrrrrger


Food:

$1 grilled cheese truck. That's it. That's all. What's wrong with this? NOT A DAMN THING

Think you know Indian food? It's all a lie. You've been eating Mexican

Drink it fast, or drink it slow, your lips have got to touch the toe

________________________ 

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

Most people learn basic rules of etiquette growing up, but modern technology begets situations that don't have established guidelines for proper behavior, and people can sometimes wind up being rude unintentionally. Fark is here to help you through some of those situations. Here are a few tips to help you navigate your way through these strange new waters.

- If someone lends you an earbud so you can hear the music they're listening to, don't just hand it back when you're done. Nobody wants an earbud covered with your earwax. Be sure to lick the earbud clean before returning it.

- The Boy Scouts have a rule stating to leave the campsite better than you found it. The same is true for rideshare services. When you take an Uber, Lyft, or other rideshare, bring along some cleaning supplies. As your driver is taking you to your destination, spray all-purpose cleaner on all surfaces, pull out some old newspaper (it works better than paper towels), and get to wiping. Make sure you get the windows, seats, and the oft-neglected ceiling of the car. Since you're using all-purpose cleaner, it should be used on any upholstery as well.

- If a colleague, friend or family member sends you an email that contains errors, use it as a teaching experience. Highlight all mistakes and insert corrections in bold red lettering. This is especially important when exchanging emails with a hiring manager if you're seeking employment - they need to see that you know more than them and that they need you to keep them from looking foolish again.

What other circumstances leave you at a loss for proper protocol? Drop me an email with your question and you might find it answered in a future Fark NotNewsletter.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
whither_apophis reacted to an HPV warning from Marcia Cross
Norad knew how a medical examiner could've recovered after making an offensive joke during an autopsy
blatz514 was disappointed in how a parent handled it when his son's school gave him an award for being "most annoying"
Prank Call of Cthulhu gave a personal example of the dangers of vacuuming stuff that your body produces out of your body
cherryl taggart pointed out the bad part about winning a civil suit against Kampground Karen
Olympic Trolling Judge showed what happened when a meteorologist expressed disdain for Sinclair's "Code Red" weather alerts
Harry Freakstorm paraphrased Major General Oliver Prince Smith
BolshyGreatYarblocks quoted the Germans' reaction to D-Day
Subtonic found a good use for a still from a video from a cat with a camera attached to it
markie_farkie ruled out a potential suspect when a motorcyclist went missing

Smart:
zbtop gave an idea of how things looked from the inside when teens shot paintballs at a house
jake_lex pointed out why it was so bad for a YouTube prankster to feed an Oreo filled with toothpaste to a homeless person
Magorn suggested a new name for trophy hunters
Priapetic explained why pranking homeless people for YouTube videos isn't harmless
khatores gave reasons for liking them thicc instead of skinny
God-is-a-Taco showed how scary paintball guns can look
lesliepop pooh-poohed a planned sleepover activity
dready zim discussed how police should conduct surveillance
Circusdog320 shared a photo of Jupiter and its homies
Ivo Shandor discussed using homeopathy to supposedly cure measles

CSB Sunday Morning:   That one time at the pool
Smart: bacchanalias and consequences found that things often work out if you just don't freak out about them
Funny:  Russ1642's friend learned a lesson about ogling girls at the pool

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: fly_gal made a strange and disgusting offer
Smart: italie wasn't a fan of a business trip dress code
Smart: Ceteris Paribus says gave advice to someone who couldn't get the coals lit for a charcoal grill
Funny: croesius reworded a warning to pesky deer
Funny: sarahthustra envisioned hooking up all the single Farkers in TotalFark Discussion
Funny: The Pope of Manwich Village had some good luck and some bad luck

Politics Funny:
blastoh figured out Donald Trump's style inspiration
Mike_LowELL was reminded of another fashion icon
ArkPanda knew what the United Kingdom would do to keep U.S. health care companies away
iron de havilland showed Trump reacting to messages mowed into grass under Air Force One's flightpath
Wadded Beef caught a distinct sound in an interview of Jared Kushner

Politics Smart:
Trump's phrasing brought a picture to JerseyTim's mind
bloobeary noted how insulted the Straight Pride parade people should feel
thedumbone explained why it mattered that Trump appeared to be nodding off while Queen Elizabeth was speaking
jayhawk88 imagined how baby boomers might be described in the future
Supadope figured out where the idea for a violent alt-right video game came from


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Cork on Fork created a motivational poster especially for Farkers
RedZoneTuba made a word puzzle
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel gave advice for people with house-elves
zeon reminded us not to be too cocky
retrophil showed how to kick the F out of yourself
hail2daking designed a Pokimono
hail2daking discovered an unpleasant mix-up in the operating room
RedZoneTuba put Calvin and Hobbes in a roller coaster
Stephen_Falken brought a spiritual perspective
retrophil had a special message from Journey

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 735: "Doors 2" ended in a threeway with henryhill's photo of Hassan II Mosque's doors in Casablanca, Morocco, kittyhas1000legs' crimson canyon casa, and ChimpNipples' drinking fountain in a spotlight

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Beyond Fark (brought to you by doyner)

Last week, we learned of the passing of daRog, an olde-time Farker, and a cornerstone of the LP community.  While the fact that he had made his Last Post did not come as a surprise to those who had noticed his absence last year, it was still a shock to have confirmation that he had passed away in May of 2018. While the details are not public, it's known that had been sick for a couple of months prior.

In death, a member of Project Mayhem has a name.  His name was Roger Coyle.

You can visit his memorial thread here, which is less hand-wringing (as Roger would prefer), and more of an Irish wake woven into the continuum he had been so much a part of.

Roger was both amicably aloof and irascibly caring. His cold, dry wit was only bested by his talents for electronic arts and craftsman's vision.  He'd likely bristle at being described as a cyberpunk, as that would be cliché. Based on his Photoshop chops, IT expertise, respect for Oxford commas, creations and vision, perhaps he'd best be described as a cyber Last Post-modernist.  He could be found all over Fark from time to time (with many Photoshop masterpieces to his credit), but his online home was where the memes, shoops, GIFs, and shiatposting of Fark's misfit toys live, maintaining the official records of LP for the better part of a decade.

His enduring legacy, however, is as the consistent voice of stark snark and reasoned opinion.  He hated whinging, eBay, stupidity, breaking the Ten Commandments, and receiving defective 12V 10A DC PWMs from China.  He tolerated some things [citation needed], but he loved to create, longcat, and our community (because friendship is magic).  He was there in the meatworld when people needed him and never sought nor expected the same in return.

Rest in peace, daRog, LP71-LP1122.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, June 20 & Saturday, June 22: Buffalo, NY Fark Party events - Shakespeare in the Park (Thursday) & Brewers Festival (Saturday)


Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)


Headline of the Week returns!

We're working our way through the previous weeks by tab and they'll show up in fark.com/hotw when we've finished all the tabs!  One thing we've considered is to share a thread of all the chosen headlines per tab, if that sounds appealing, let us know.

We've been spinning our wheels a bit on HotW, and it's time to ask what you think.  We love Headline of the Week because it lets us highlight the creativity (especially in wordplay/puns and visual headlines), smart (especially  context and really clever headlines), sideways thinking, thought-provoking, and just damn funny headlines that our submitters come up with every week.  This does result in a lot of Headlines for final voting though - great because everyone can see the awesome variety of headlines Fark has to offer, but challenging because all those headlines at the end of the year can get overwhelming.

What do you think?  What do you love about Headline of the Week?  What do you love about Headline of the Year?

Please let us know your thoughts and enjoy our current week's Headlines of the Week!

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-02 to Sat 2019-06-08:

He was wearing nothing but a smile. I hollered "Don't look, Ethel," but it was too late

87% of Americans wouldn't recognize socialism if they met it at the post office

Well I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see

Wait, those emails were real??

HOA refuses to do anything about vulture infestation plaguing homeowners, possibly out of professional courtesy

Won't be greenlit, submitting anyhow

They *finally* cleared out that Subaru

Long before Star Trek, James Scotty Doohan killed two Nazi snipers and was known as the "craziest pilot in the Canadian air force." He gave it all he could, Captain

Cow farts, they said

Farmer steals chickens to buy gas for his $290,000 BMW. Apparently struggling to make hens meet


Sports:

Yo Dawg I heard you like Padres so I put some Padres in your Padres

Octopus rides a moray eel. Wins a belt buckle

The Wentz Wagon is now a Brinks truck

At this rate Johnny Football is going to see more leagues than Jules Verne


Geek:

♪ Radio killed the liver cancer... Radio killed the liver cancer... In our lungs and in our hearts... It stopped tumors from going too far... ♪

Physicists figure out how to save the quantum cat. Suck it, Schrodinger

Make Apple Grate Again

"How fish and shrimps could be recruited as underwater spies." No word on how they would hold up when caught and/or grilled


Entertainment:

Monty Python's Flying Circus confuses the cat for the final time as Terry Jones' dementia has stolen his voice. Graham Chapman's urn inconsolable

Entertainment Weekly apparently has a lot of vacation time saved up

Granger Smith's 3-year-old River drowns, which is particularly alarming to their other son Wood Chipper


Politics:

Baby boomers, Generation X, Generation Y: Meet Generation Lockdown

President Ron Burgundy: "Go fark yourself, London"

Biden is the most electable candidate. Just ask President Kerry

The moon is now a part of Mars. Uranus inconsolable

US Embassies: Hey, can we fly rainbow flags to support Pride? Trump admin: No. Embassies: Sorry, can't hear you over how FABULOUS we are


Business:

"Yes we buy your excess power but there's a fee for buying it and a fee for charging a fee plus the backup power fee so you owe us more than if you just bought power from us. Have a nice day"

Bold move assuming millennials have an extra $1000 lying around to invest

The shadow banks are back and there's gonna be a bubble. Hey-la Hey-la the banks are back


Discussion:

Does this My First Massacre kit seem over the top to anyone else?

I got a mullet today. The legends are true. Beer does taste better with a mullet

"If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write." -Stephen King. It's true, I read twitter all day and I'm almost ready to publish my four-hundred-tweet novel. This is your Fark Writer's Thread, Inspired Edition


D'awww:

Husky in a drain pipe, I know, I know it's serious

What has no pants and roams around a Jacksonville neighborhood screaming like a bear?

Do you speak baby jive?


Food:

The best steakhouse in every state, because even Elvis loved meat tender

Having barely survived kale, is America ready for kelp smugness?

With anniversary of Anthony Bourdain's death coming soon, top chefs nominate June 25 to be celebrated as Bourdain Day, a holiday certainly more meaningful to foodies and millennials than Columbus and Presidents Day combined

Everything, apparently. The internet loves to tell us we're doing pretty much anything we ever do the wrong way. You can't shower or eat a hamburger or even slice a loaf of bread without someone finding flaws in your technique. Recently, it actually became this huge debate on social media when it was discovered that either 20% or 80% of people are cleaning their legs wrong. We sound like the inept oafs in infomercials who can't perform basic tasks without some special new product to help us out. There's got to be a better way! Well, if we can't charge a phone or watch TV properly, there's probably not much hope for us. 

Some of the "corrections" of basic actions that Farkers have gotten the most riled up about are grilling steak, assembling hot dogs, warming up your car/not warming up your car on cold winter days, and -- oh lawd -- typing the correct number of spaces after periods. For the record, you really should only put one space after a period, full stop. Drew still puts two, so I'm probably going to be fired now.   

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
naughtyrev was confused by an headline about a "pastor and manager of a Christian pizza parlor"
bearded clamorer knew why a pastor threw a phone into a river
FortyHams shared a bit of trivia about Jon Arbuckle from the Garfield comics
Publikwerks found out something surprising about Kid Rock
davidphogan figured out incels' real problem
Prank Call of Cthulhu came up with a plan to help incels
ecmoRandomNumbers figured out how a woman got lost in a Hawaiian forest for 17 days
Mike_LowELL wrote the unauthorized biography of Fark dot com (this is truly a work of art)
Giant Clown Shoe thought that a woman who attacked a Burger King manager had a familiar hairstyle
swamp_of_dumb explained why another Farker would not be able to wear a kippa "down there"

Smart:
Marcus Aurelius pointed something out to jelqing incels (we all miss the days when those weren't words)
sithon tried to use logic against incels
Diogenes had a question for a landlord who evicted a 102-year-old woman
no1curr knew how to pronounce GIF
Gordon Bennett summed up the "pickup artist" guidebook, "The Game"
Prank Call of Cthulhu spotted the real cause of an incel's problems
scottydoesntknow crunched the numbers on some anti-marijuana doctors and scientists
OptionC agreed that alcohol and marijuana are gateway drugs
evilsofa had a suggestion to help lost hikers
wejash knew what to do about residents blocking access to a public beach

CSB Sunday Morning:  Good, bad, and weird advice you've been given
Smart:  Hillbilly Jim once got some good relationship advice from Drew
Smart (honorable mention - it got the most votes, but was top-voted in a previous CSB thread): Recoil Therapy used the valuable advice to never be one of the first few back
Funny: gordian got some plumbing advice from a new neighbor

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: maddan pointed out what would happen if prostitution were legalized in the U.S.
Funny: Smock Pot showed off the new grill
Funny: Badafuco knew why there was a flatware discussion thread
Funny: Chris Ween was philosophical about a problematic fork
Smart: WickerNipple gave one reason why fast food workers might mess up your order

Bonus: TFDers were asked if they could improve upon a greenlit Fark headline. KangTheMad had the best headline rewrite with a new version of this headline from a few days before

Politics Funny:
Mike_LowELL was worried by Donald Trump's report after meeting with the Prime Minister of Japan
GardenWeasel figured that unhealthy cooking supplies were a security concern
AdmirableSnackbar remarked on Robert Mueller's televised statement
moos saw how Trump's tariffs will improve Americans' morale
Demetrius noticed some familiar names working in the White House

Politics Smart:
blastoh rephrased a New York Times tweet
Dewey Fidalgo gave an example of Trump's protection of African Americans in the legal system
Jack Sabbath answered a question about the legal process if the DOJ won't comply with a court order
Arachnophobe figured out what would result from following Duncan Hunter's idea to help people returning from combat
Shostie found one of many problems with Duncan Hunter's logic


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Terrapin Bound discovered that that stupid dress is just as confusing in person
Don_cos showed us what happens when you let Pac-Man eat too much
hail2daking helped an underdressed cat
RedZoneTuba discovered why you shouldn't play games with a Xoloitzcuintli
Circusdog320 preferred a moonlit beach
i-dig gave Chewbacca some Botox
Yammering_Splat_Vector made a defective mirror
verchad found where the Galactic Empire goes on vacation
zeon showed that Lucy is just mean to everybody
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave us a gassy tiger

Farktography:
reddfrogg won Farktography Contest No. 734: "Illustrate a Fark Tag" with a good depiction of Fark's "Weeners" tag

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, June 20 & Saturday, June 22: Buffalo, NY Fark Party events - Shakespeare in the Park (Thursday) & Brewers Festival (Saturday)


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on this quiz, where we learned just how universal that Universal Tractor Fluid really is. I'm thinking if space aliens crash land their ship on earth and need help repairing it to get back to their home planet, Universal Tractor Fluid will figure into the equation at some point.

On the quiz itself, Grumpyoldgeek takes top honors with 935, followed by rrl in second with 882 and Oliver Twisted in third with 838. Blackstone takes fourth with 833, and Ponzholio makes the top five with 828.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over which country took over Julian Assange's belongings following his arrest and expulsion from the Ecuadorian Embassy in London. Only 31% of quiztakers knew that the Ecuadorian government gave all his stuff to the United States, presumably because it was so grungy the British equivalent of Goodwill wouldn't take it. No word on his cat's tie collection, but I imagine the litterbox contents are being run through a mass spectrometer as we speak.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which movie you can watch while floating on the waters of Santa Rosa Sound in Pensacola Beach, FL during a special event this July. 80% of quiztakers knew that $35 will get you a custom floatie, a glow necklace, and some sharkbite artwork to admire after you get home from (IF you get home from) watching the original Jaws. Dun-dun... Dun-dun... Dun-dun-dundundundundundundun...

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over a marketing department that apparently no longer drug tests its employees. Only 24% of quiztakers knew that the giant two-story flamingo floating up and down the East River in New York City was a marketing stunt for Pepsi. Which, IMHO, means the stunt failed. I mean, seriously, get a bigger logo, people.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the location of the United States Marine Corps Recruit Depot in Parris Island. 82% of quiztakers knew that Parris Island could be found in the state of South Carolina, while the other 18% of quiztakers need some more PT with profane marching cadences.

If you missed the quiz, you can catch up on it here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.

I had this whole intro thing planned out to write this  morning, but I've been looking at photos and videos of dogs instead. I'm sure you understand. I mean, this is pretty important. If not me, when who? If not now, then when? Please feel free to post your dogs and other cute non-humans in the NotNewsletter comments section today and check in whenever you need some smiles.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
grokca was surprised by the murder of a Klan imperial wizard
Im_Gumby showed the billionaire who paid the student loan debt of an entire graduating class
gerbilpox had doubts when a woman dressed as Captain Marvel proposed to a woman dressed as Wonder Woman
Dr.Fey figured out the secret to happiness
some_beer_drinker replied to Dan Aykroyd's claim that space aliens want to hook up with Earth women
scottydoesntknow thought that a man's plan to check the accuracy of a pizza tracking app sounded familiar
theDesertHamster requested help in a thread about a woman who missed her "minute man"
davidphogan was being sabotaged in a thread about boner-hiding swim trunks
FirstNationalBastard showed someone who was alarmed by another Farker's comment
Autoerotic Defenestration revealed how long lines on Mount Everest are being dealt with

Smart:
Magorn argued that climbing Mount Everest isn't worth the trouble
NewportBarGuy found where some money could be saved so kids could be fed
edmo commented about gun training classes for 6-year-olds
Pocket Ninja recommended a television series to HBO subscribers
Prank Call of Cthulhu discussed owning a gun for protection
Destructor remarked on how spoiled World of Warcraft players are
Garza and the Supermutants defended Elon Musk's zany plans
Mugato had something to say about millennials and Gen Z blaming things on baby boomers
mactheknife had a request on behalf of Gen X
Cagey B summed up the ending of "Game of Thrones" (spoilers, obviously)

CSB Sunday Morning:  Black sheep of the family
Smart:  Herr Morgenstern described becoming the black sheep of part of the family
Funny: There weren't any real stories that got many funny votes this time ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Old Man Winter revealed what the little white things are in a Farker's can of crushed tomatoes
Funny: reagabeast didn't share a story about misunderstanding how babby is formed
Funny: Ass_Master_Flash has a Ted Nugent cover band with a interesting name
Smart: Raddamant gave the standard TotalFark Discussion advice for relationship problems
Funny: Shostie showed a photo of the new kitten that was abandoned by its mother

Politics Funny:
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat explained what "| _ . o () (.) (o) () () () () () () ()" meant in a Fark headline
Mike_LowELL revealed "the real heroes of the conservative movement"
NeoCortex42 found out who Donald Trump's fashion inspiration is
blastoh suggested a potential running mate for Joe Biden
vrax noticed an accurate description of a Trump supporter who was interviewed by New York Times

Politics Smart:
D_PaulAngel discussed what the military means to different people
KarmicDisaster argued that Iran isn't the only potential thread in the Middle East
Marcus Aurelius agreed that the Mueller investigation was just an attempt by the Democrats to take down Trump
Ivo Shandor traded accusations of wrongdoing
Weaver95 discussed whether or not Merrick Garland can be objective when presiding over an appeal involving Trump


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Alligator gave Pootie Poot a sweet new ride
Yammering_Splat_Vector revealed a Vulcan falling in love at first sight
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us why we say that statues are erected
Alligator turned half this man into two-thirds of this man
Don_cos showed Dorothy giving something a try just in case
hail2daking discovered that some relationships never change
RedZoneTuba used a Speak & Spell as a calculator
RedZoneTuba found out why this dog is so angry
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave John Bolton his angel wings
RedZoneTuba gave Popeye a dangerous new secret weapon

Farktography:
Ennuipoet won Farktography Contest No. 733: "Stripes 2" with a stunning sky

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, June 20 & Saturday, June 22: Buffalo, NY Fark Party events - Shakespeare in the Park (Thursday) & Brewers Festival (Saturday)

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone!  Happy pre-Memorial Day to you all.  Hope you have some fun plans. Mine all involve being outdoors as much as possible.  I've threatened my kids with me sitting in a kiddie pool in the backyard winging empty beer cans at them and the neighbors. They think I'm kidding.  We'll see if it turns into a good idea or not.

Last Friday I managed to get TotalFark Office Hours in for the second week in a row, which is some kind of record.  We talked about issues with linking and not linking to paywall sites such as the Washington Post and New York Times, and other sites like Raw Story that appear to just be scraping content.  The decision to link them or not link them isn't as clear cut as you might think (although there's a strong consensus that Raw Story should get the boot). How so? Sign up for TotalFark and find out, the thread is still there (and I've included it in this NotNewsletter as well).   

I'm planning on doing another office hours on Friday, we should have a new topic this week.  Assuming I'm not out in the back yard already. I bet I could drag a laptop out there. Anyhow we'll see how it goes.  Remember kids, don't stand in fire, while swimming don't drown, and don't taunt the Dynamite Monkey.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
LewDux changed a photo to include underboob (this image is probably awkward for work)
WickerNipple explained why a truck sprayed rainbows everywhere
Pocket Ninja explained how we could tell that a story about a pre-wedding catastrophe was real
NeoCortex42 showed how things really went down in King's Landing ("Game of Thrones" spoilers)
Im_Gumby gave advice on determining the popularity of a revealing style of swimsuit
scottydoesntknow knew what Arnold Schwarzenegger needed to do after being kicked in the back
JerseyTim shared a statement from George R. R. Martin distancing himself from the "Game of Thrones" final season (spoilers)
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That explained why parents put cameras in their son's room
markie_farkie had a really gross idea 🤮
GRCooper was sad about the passing of Tim Conway

Smart:
sassyfrancis had a solution for a teen whose parents put cameras in his room to keep him from touching himself
markie_farkie had a really gross idea 🤮
Great_Milenko reacted to the penultimate episode of "Game of Thrones"
Al Sicandar defended men who are afraid of women or who pretend to be afraid of women
sigdiamond2000 generalized the generalizers
Cagey B explained the problem with massage parlors that engage in prostitution
DOCTORD000M helped out an article writer with writing about pro-immunization doctors
theflatline discussed the U.S. Supreme Court ruling against Apple
tothekor commented on the options for a prisoner in Alabama who became pregnant from an apparent rape
PC LOAD LETTER figured that at least one "Game of Thrones" actor wouldn't mind redoing the final season

CSB Sunday Morning:  Gardening stories
Smart:  wademh chose flowers in a grass neighborhood
Funny:  davidphogan found out who ate all the habaneros from the garden

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: thatguyoverthere70 let us know how to get rid of a bowling ball
Smart: Shadow Blasko argued against blocking Washington Post links on Fark because of their paywall
Funny: Chris Ween answered the question, "What do you use to trim your beard?"
Funny: LineNoise and wife had an adventure with a robe buddy
Funny: Old Man Winter knew how a fellow TotalFarker met a bartender with an unfortunate tattoo

Politics Funny:
Calypsocookie had a warning for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
Precious Roy's Horse Dividers asked a question about Matt Gaetz - if you're confused, apparently that's a reference to this story about Matt Gaetz
Bf+ shared someone's reaction to Donald Trump's claim that he wasn't warned about about Michael Flynn
AdmirableSnackbar was feeling optimistic about the future
fifthofzen summarized Elizabeth Warren's feelings about Fox News

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
Farkers added to the "Family Guy" descriptions of Sean Hannity. Thanks to lindalouwho for nominating this thread for FarkStaff Pick. 

Politics Smart:
dionysusaur gave a reason why males shouldn't have a say in the abortion debate
Weaver95 saw evidence that Vladimir Putin is close to achieving another one of his goals
parasol argued that some males have earned a say in the abortion debate
elysive reassured anyone worried about male babies being aborted
The Goddamn Batman gave a reason why 12-year-old girls don't need to be forced to carry and give birth to their rapists' babies


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel created a toy for M.C. Escher fans
Alligator found an ever-ready candidate for president
RedZoneTuba made a Lego set that people will fight over
durbnpoisn solved the biggest problem with Legos
Thrakkorzog gave a kitten what it really wants to eat
Alligator found Cliff Clavin's long-lost brother
Herb Utsmelz showed that someone really did go out and get a boat
Stantz combined a $91 million rabbit with an M.C. Escher classic to form a whole new work of art
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us what Doggie Heaven might look like
Alligator designed some very Farkish bookends

Farktography:
SoCalChris won Farktography Contest No. 732: "Favorite Things" with silver-white winters that melt into springs

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, June 20: Buffalo, NY Fark Party - Shakespeare in Delaware Park


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Yet another fun time on the quiz, including an interesting discussion on "choose your own job title." Unfortunately no one made the 1000 club this week, so we won't be removing the plastic covers from the furniture. I hate those things, because you can't move around without it sounding like you farted. Anyways, kqc7011 came out on top with 978, followed by Denjiro in second with 952 and Oliver Twisted in third with 915. Tax Boy made fourth with 911, and edmo wraps up the top 5 with 908.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over which game publisher suffered a walkout by employees, who were striking over forced arbitration. Only 16% of Quiztakers knew that Epic Games publishes "League of Legends," which is the most popular online game in the world right now. The "freemium" game actually has 100 million unique players per month, which is about the number of people who saw "Avengers: Endgame" in its opening weekend.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over which former "Jersey Shore" cast member managed to post Instagram updates while in the middle of a prison stint for tax evasion. 83% of quiztakers knew that it was Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino who is currently in the clink. Although if you ever watched the show, you wouldn't be surprised at news that any of the cast members were incarcerated.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over Brad Pitt's brother Doug, and his latest commercial spoofing the ending scene from "Se7en." Only 46% of quiztakers knew that it was beer inside the box - specifically, the Doin' Good Orange Wheat Ale from Mother's Brewing Company. I'm not sure what it says about Fark that 54% of us associated "box" with "wine," but I choose to believe it's because we think of Doug Pitt as a wine kind of guy more than a beer kind of guy. If you missed the commercial (and the hilarious TV-friendly dialogue edits), you can check it out here. 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over Mt. Kilimanjaro and its home country looking at a cable car system to accommodate tourists who wish to see the summit but can't make the climb. 93% of quiztakers proved themselves geographically inclined and knew that the highest point in Africa could be found in Tanzania. Also in Tanzania, you can find the Gombe Stream National Park, where Dr. Jane Goodall talked to chimps and wandered around in the mists. 

If you missed the Quiz, you can catch up on it here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week!

Hey kid, want to get more greenlights? Scroll down to read about Drew's selection criteria for Fark headlines. And in case you missed it, Fark managed to earn the squirrelly wrath of Ben Shapiro last week because of this thread, and a good time was had by all.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
gar1013 would be more cautious in Amanda Knox's position
Man On A Mission shared a very bad line to use on dates
Starkaryen noticed that last week's "Game of Thrones" episode stood out in stark contrast to the previous week's
lack of warmth shared the proper reply for when a cop requests permission to search your phone
jbc had a solution for when your mom plans a surprise bris for your child
feckingmorons had a feeling about charges against a man whose bumper sticker declared his tendency to "eat" booty
Ow! That was my feelings! was fed up with a popular TV show
Pazuzu Smith-Jones was familiar with a dating faux pas
joeparker5433 couldn't make it through an entire article
thatguyoverthere70 made a note about a fellow Farker

Smart:
Miss5280 had a suggestion for helping kids do well in school
Benevolent Misanthrope thought of some reasons people might consent to police searches
armyofbees figured that it's nobody's business what a man is doing with his doll in private
ecmoRandomNumbers suggested a way of changing the way school administrators approach things
Pocket Ninja found something unrealistic in a television show that features dragons, an antagonist who can raise this dead, and a child with psychic powers (spoilers)
The Third Man noted another time police had been warned about someone who was involved in a school shooting
lilbjorn flipped a Fark headline around to explain behavior
grokca looked on the bright side when cheerleaders at a kids' basketball game were criticized for being overly risque
MattytheMouse marveled at the existence of gamergaters
aukie shared a story about an interaction with Apache County, AZ law enforcement

CSB Sunday Morning:    What's your phobia, or, if you don't have one, your biggest "NOPE"?
Smart: Persnickety Paladin learned to manage a fear that arose from a horrible experience
Funny: The Pope of Manwich Village confronted a powerful enemy

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 


TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: sarahthustra was happy for a Farker who criticized the spouse's dishwasher loading
Funny: unremarkable asterisk helped a Farker who needed a "get well soon" card for a golden retriever
Smart: Drew gave the short version of how to get your submission greenlit
Funny: Barry McCockner congratulated someone who claimed to have just married someone after meeting in TotalFark Discussion
Funny: JerseyTim had an idea for how "Game of Thrones" should end

Politics Funny:
Subtonic had an idea of how Drew might have felt about Ben Shapiro complaining about us on Twitter
stir22 found interesting parallels in the election of Donald Trump and another controversial race
JerseyTim figured out what kind of photos Jerry Falwell Jr. needed Michael Cohen to handle
Non Sequitur Man had a message for Ben Shapiro
FortyHams saw that Ben Shapiro just couldn't stop

Politics Smart:
Subtonic had an idea of how Drew might have felt about Ben Shapiro complaining about us on Twitter
Marcus Aurelius disagreed with Jerry Falwell Jr.'s characterization of Mueller's investigation
NeoCortex42 responded to Trump's complaint about attempts to have Mueller testify before the House Judiciary Committee
Weaver95 had a theory on what has contributed to a decline in discipline in the Marine Corps
Jack Sabbath believed that some information about Trump points to him being susceptible to foreign influence


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
verchad showed us that Goose was more of a swan
Yammering_Splat_Vector didn't have any money to lend to Britney and Paris
Circusdog320 made Darth Maul even meaner
Don_cos requested no dark sarcasm in the bathroom
Circusdog320 put a mustache in a strange place (probably awkward to view at work)
durbnpoisn gave Grumpy Cat a new look
Herb Utsmelz found out why money keeps disappearing
RedZoneTuba downgraded Pee-Wee's bicycle
Alligator showed us the power of beer
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel gave us the sequel we've all been waiting for

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 731: "Happy Farktography Anniversary 14" ended in a tie with bobug's gorgeous blue morpho butterfly and Deveyn's little orange fish

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Fark Headline Tips (brought to you by Drew)

Recently, SomeDude210 posted a thread asking if anyone had any tips or best practices for Fark tagline construction.  I thought that was a great idea because even though I've got my personal preferences, that's only half of the process.  Some submitters have discovered over the years that I've got soft spots for certain types of tagline construction, and surprisingly not the ones you'd think necessarily.  For example, even though it shows up a lot on Fark, I don't personally prefer the "Thing happens, do you A) action, B) action 2, or C) What really happened in the article" structured taglines. They'll do in a pinch if nothing else comes along, however.  One of the difficulties we have on the admin side is that once an article appears in the general news cycle, we've only got an hour or two before it's everywhere on social media.  Sometimes we can't wait for the best tagline to be submitted - which incidentally seems to alwayshappen right when I've given up waiting.

I don't personally know all of my selection criteria, and to give an example of what I mean by soft spots, our community manager Unfreakable years ago brought to my attention that he'd noticed that I'd greenlight damn near any tagline along the lines of "Band releases new album, but they suck."  Until he'd pointed it out, I hadn't noticed.  Going forward, I started doing that less often.  I'm sure they still get by me once in a while.  I've got blind spots is what I'm saying.

So let's start with some background on how things work on the Admin side.

There are several admins, but at any given moment, only one of us is designated as the person who's on queue duty.  From about 7 a.m.ish 'til about 5 p.m.ish on weekdays, that person is me.  Over the past 20 years or so, it's usually always been me.  Occasionally I've stepped away for a week or two, but I've discovered that when I step away, I suddenly have no idea what's going on in the world.  Running the Fark queue is the only time I ever consume news, and when I do run the queue, I end up reading everything published in a given day.  To the point where my friends at my local bar have totally given up asking me if I saw the one about etc. because I can usually finish their sentences.  Usually.

In the evenings I start drinking. and that's not a good time to be online for me or anyone else, so I hand it off to one of our West Coast admins, who handles it into the evening Pacific Coast time until our Europe-based admin wakes up in the morning in his home time zone.  His morning is the overnight shift for East Coast time, he handles things until I wake up at 7 a.m. and then it's handed back to me again.  Another admin handles weekends and holidays.  And there are a few other admins who used to be more frequent but are still around to handle things in a pinch, make edits, and so on.  They also do most of the Live thread scheduling

Newsflashes are handled by me if I'm awake.  I can run the entire article queue off my phone wherever I happen to be, so if news breaks late at night and I'm still sober enough to read, one of the mods will text me when we have a newsflash event.  If I'm at a bar, I quickly take bets from my friends to see if anyone can guess what it's about, then I open up the queue and look for the best tagline.  Newsflashes need to get out quickly, so I can only wait about 10-15 minutes before posting something, and some breaking news events are just not funny, so when that happens, I'll just go with whichever tagline on TotalFark has the most comments currently.  I strongly prefer a good riff for a tagline, although with newsflashes, this can spiral out of control as events continue.  For example, when the Notre Dame Cathedral caught fire, I went with "France elects new Pope," which was pretty funny initially, until it became apparent that the situation was much more serious than we first thought.  So it goes.  It's not the first tagline that got messed up by the severity of events and it won't be the last either, I bet.

My philosophy is a Fark tagline's implicit duty is to tell you why you should click on a link.  Most of the time, it's telling you to click because the article is funny.  Sometimes, however, the tagline points out something that the original headline writer missed that is way more important than the article writer realized.

Example: One of my all-time favorites was a multi-page article from I think an Iowa news outlet about a man who had a premonition that he was about to die, so he recorded a series of videos saying goodbye to his friends and loved ones - and then he actually died.  For the first few pages, the article was fairly heartwarming.  He said goodbye to his wife and his kids and his friends, and so on.  On page six or seven, however, the article mentioned that he had recorded a special video for his atheist friends, one where he told them he loved them very much but that they were all going to burn in hell for eternity - complete with explicit detail after explicit detail.  We linked to that part of the article instead of page one, because that was the best part, after all.

The other admins may chime in here with their preferences - I don't tell them what to choose, and their selection process works as well as mine, it's just different.

Things I look for in a Fark tagline:

If a tagline makes me laugh out loud or spit coffee all over my keyboard, it gets the greenlight.  I will even occasionally back out an earlier tagline greenlight if something funnier comes in later.  This incidentally is why we have the "Repeat" tag - sometimes the best tagline comes very late, as in hours or days later.  Also, some events seem to stay in the news cycle for multiple days for whatever reason as people discover them elsewhere, so we'll use the Repeat tag for those, too.  This week, the first story that comes to mind that was submitted across multiple days was Florida woman pulling an alligator out of her yoga pants.  These happen several times a week

I do keep an eye on how many +1 votes TotalFarkers give taglines.  It's not my main criteria, but I'll take an extra hard look at those.  These especially help my selection during newsflashes, so if you've ever wondered if anyone looks at those, I do and they're especially helpful when I'm in a hurry to get a link out the door.  Speaking of +1 votes - I strongly consider these when picking headlines of the week/month etc., because it's usually a good indicator of quality when a link gets votes aftera link goes green.

My absolute favorite tagline structure of all time is one that initially seems super offensive, but on further examination is not, but boy is it right on the line.  You'll know them when you see them.

When I am hungover, I seem to prefer weirder taglines that make no sense.  No idea why, or how to even explain it.  It's a thing though.

Things I don't like:

Clickbait structure.  Many news outlets submit their own links, which is fine by me, and some of them are quite good at coming up with a Fark tagline.  However, many are not.  My advice to news outlets is to submit their links with the headline they couldn't use.  As in, a tagline that crossed the line with their own internal standards, because odds are it doesn't cross ours.  We have one news outlet in particular that submits a couple links a day, and all their taglines are the actual headline followed by "What do you think of that??"  Nope.  

Puns.  Personal preference, I'm just not a fan.  I will greenlight them, but I prefer not to.  Once in a blue moon, a pun is funny.  Puns are not, by the way, just words that rhyme with each other - I highly dislike rhymes that think they are puns.  Not saying I never greenlight them, but I'll take almost anything else over them.  Except for...

Only as a last resort will I greenlight an article that has the same tagline as its headline.  Sometimes articles only get submitted once, and I'll try to come up with something better if I can.  I will almost always pass over these if I can.

We have had on occasion one or two tagline writers that vote for their own link on TotalFark and vote against all the others.  This isn't an instant disqualification but I take a dim view towards it.  Don't be that guy

Don't submit politics links to the Main page tab.  The reason why is I read that one first, and while in the past I've retabbed those submissions to Politics, a few astute subbies have figured out that I read Main page links first when I do a queue run.   As a result, I got into a bad habit of greening the retabbed links before reading the politics submissions.  I'm not doing that anymore, and in fact I've often started ignoring politics submissions posted to the Main tab altogether

Actual Admin guidelines we have:

Don't link to articles that aren't funny.  Boring is OK, sad is not.  It's not a 100% deal killer, but I'd rather not greenlight these if I can avoid it.    

Try not to make fun of victims.  This is incidentally why all the teachers having sex with students articles disappeared.  I'm not asking everyone to agree with me on this, I'm just explaining what happened and why.  Making fun of the person who committed the crime is a-OK, however.  

Others appear in the FArQ somewhere, I forget where exactly.

My weak spots:

I'm the worst admin of all of us at posting repeat articles.  Part of my problem is I don't have a perfect memory for what has been greenlit.  This gets particularly bad when I've passed over a few bland taglines on the original article already, and soon I can't remember if I posted it or not.  Rather than miss a story, I'll risk running a repeat.  Luckily the other admins come in behind and delete repeats. We also get email notifications when other Farkers flag repeats and this helps immensely.  I'm so terrible at remembering repeats that I have sometimes greened the same story three or even four different times.  

I have noticed recently I'm a sucker for taglines that pretend to misunderstand what the article is about due to bad sentence structure in the original headline.  Like the famous Panda eats shoots and leaves headline.  I still like these and will probably continue greening them more often than I otherwise should.

Duke sucks.

Other things to know:

I've told all the admins that they're welcome to alter or delete any tagline I greenlight without telling me first.  I'm totally fine with them doing whatever.  There will always be more news articles in the day.  

Up until recently, I personally didn't like taglines that didn't give you some idea of what was going on in the article.  However, with the new mobile format that displays a full article summary, not only is this no longer a problem, but there's something about the combination of vague headline followed by article summary and photo that is extra hilarious to me.  This format has gone from being less preferred to more preferred.  And at least one submitter has figured this out - if you take a look at the Geek tab, you'll see much of his work there.  

I would very much like more D'awww submissions.  If you're looking to pad your greenlight count, that's the easiest way to do it.   D'awww taglines are hard to make funny in general, and damn near anything cute qualifies for a greenlight in my book.  Sad stuff will never make the cut into the D'awww tab, by the way.

Same goes with Discussion submissions - I will greenlight damn near any discussion link.  The notable exception being political links submitted to the discussion tab - I'm trying to keep politics on the Politics tab.  Sometimes politics is newsworthy, though. Can't be helped.

I have violated every one of these bullet points at one time or another, often intentionally.  I am inconsistent, I read too fast, and my memory sucks.  So it goes.

This isn't the full list, but it's a good start.  Others may have noticed things that work well that I'm not even aware of.

Last but not least, I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you who submits links.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart and/or beer glass.  If we ever get the chance to hang out in real life, I'm getting your beer tabs.

It's time for the weekly Fark NotNewsletter, and I have absolutely no ideas for an intro topic. Let me tell you, though, that you look really pretty today. 

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
433 had a suggestion for someone who's unhappy with ethnicity results from a DNA test
BizarreMan explained why the science was always solid in episodes of "The Brady Bunch"
fifthofzen was much choosier about where to get medical information
MattytheMouse shared a famous line from "The Brady Bunch"
puffy999 lamented a child's severe allergies
starsrift made such a dad joke
sovah learned something from an illustration of pregnancy
Dr.Fey found the real problem with a kid's racist "promposal"
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That responded to a hater
Brosephus fought the Fark filter

Smart:
Circusdog320 had some experience with the strange-looking way babies are X-rayed
bobtheme gave Heaven some advice after Peter Mayhew's death
croesius brought up a problem with crediting a "divine power" for saving people
Ambivalence discussed backlashes against science
theDesertHamster summarized a rugby player's complaint
Prank Call of Cthulhu related an interaction with an anti-vaxxer
revrendjim examined the idea that parents know what's best for their kids
bigfatbuddhist had an idea for decreasing the number of people being shot by police
Farking Clown Shoes discussed events in "Avengers: Endgame" (contains spoilers, obviously)
Magorn discussed a criminal's light sentence

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: merrillvillain found some top-notch construction
Smart: sarahthustra had a suggestion for getting revenge on coworkers before leaving a job
Funny: Znuh had a pants-destroying level of fail
Funny: flucto had an idea for a reality show mashup
Funny: rcf1105 reacted to a submitter confessing to not wearing a bra

Politics Funny:
His Mexcellency shared a story about someone who might have been Matt Gaetz
Circusdog320 spotted evidence that we weren't looking at the real Melania Trump
Mr. Coffee Nerves was surprised by Mike Pence's visit to the USS Harry Truman
Circusdog320 revealed yet another Melania imposter
We should all just take aaronx's word on this

Politics Smart:
His Mexcellency shared a story about someone who might have been Matt Gaetz
weddingsinger explained why people were offended by a bank's tweet offering financial advice
Eclectic described some of the problems trans people already face when trying to receive medical care
HawgWild analyzed William Barr's argument that Robert Mueller cleared Trump of all wrongdoing
null argued that Democrats need to start impeachment hearings


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba envisioned a very strange prom outfit for an elderly attendee
retrophil found someone who really took a wrong turn
Don_cos brought the Korean War close to home
Yammering_Splat_Vector discovered that Amazon has greatly expanded their delivery area
RedZoneTuba didn't approve of a contest theme
Herb Utsmelz made a creepy commercial even creepier
RedZoneTuba invited Uncle Joe to prom
RedZoneTuba took the family on a road trip
Circusdog320 was reminded of a lost love
Yammering_Splat_Vector found out what that lever does

Farktography:
bobug won Farktography Contest No. 730: "Red 3" with a wavy wall


Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.