Spring is almost here, and a large portion of us sprang forward on Sunday, mostly against our will. I heard that Monday was National Napping Day, but I slept through it. Pi Day is coming up on Thursday, so that's a good day to eat 3.14 pies. Then St. Patrick's Day is on Sunday, so you can drink a lot of crappy green beer and be exhausted for the second Monday in a row. Protip: Bring the remaining .86 of a pie to work with you to help with that hangover. 

By the way, if you haven't yet, be sure to check out the changes to Fark's mobile site. If you run into any problems with it or have suggestions, please help us out and contact Farkback and select "Technical errors/difficulties/questions/bugs" in the dropdown instead of just talking about it in a thread or submitting a thread about it. 

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
TommyDeuce gave advice on how to have a successful polyamorous relationship
Im_Gumby knew why small IEDs were found in London
Fireproof shared the best category that was ever on "Jeopardy!"
phlegmmo discovered John Oliver's first role
lindalouwho was as confused about how a man and his dog survived as a reporter was
Thwartme was sad about Alex Trebek's diagnosis
MythDragon discovered the magical qualities of a Himalayan salt lamp
special20 made a surprising discovery about a past relationship
Petit_Merdeux caught another Farker fibbing
Petit_Merdeux found evidence that scientists are wrong about vaccines being safe

Bonus FarkStaff Pick: iron de havilland responded to news that adders are disappearing from the British countryside

Smart:
ecmoRandomNumbers had a message for parents
Marcus Aurelius explained what charter schools are like
enry figured that a man should've used this one weird trick to get a lighter sentence
Feel_the_velvet was impressed by how Alex Trebek shared his bad news
Xai pointed out another problem with anti-vaxxers
SouthParkCon shared more information about a linked story
Fireproof shared the best category that was ever on "Jeopardy!"
JustSurfin explained being anti-anti-vaxxer
Uzzah explained patent law
TommyDeuce gave advice on how to have a successful polyamorous relationship

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: steklo helped a lost soul get home
Funny: steklo shared a somewhat less touching story
Funny: Smock Pot learned that it's important to read the Fark NotNewsletter
Funny: Dr. Tuttle drew a wolf taking a dump

Politics Funny:
Gubbo responded to the theory that there was a fake Melania Trump with Donald Trump
Carter Pewterschmidt reminded us how bad Barack Obama really was
Markoff_Cheney thought about how much worse things could've been
JerseyTim was surprised by a sinister plot
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That helped Eric Trump when he had trouble spelling a word

Politics Smart:
not enough beer thought that enemies of the U.S. learned something from Trump's reaction to Michael Cohen's testimony
skozlaw compared two different reactions to high-pressure situations
Boondock3806 had a question about Rand Paul deciding to oppose Trump's "national emergency" declaration
Paul Baumer compared Paul Manafort's sentence to someone else's
TheOmni helped confused people understand Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's explanation of why she responds to attacks


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
FarkingIceHole didn't recall Chewbacca dragging Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes
Snubnose showed us why you should be careful in what you choose as your emotional support animal
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel gave a peek into how your pet might see you
Alligator noticed Joe Biden's inappropriate cameo in "Star Wars"
sl4psh0t found yet another photo of Vladimir Putin showing off
nissananimal discovered that stormtrooopers like to have fun, too
Yammering_Splat_Vector created a star-crossed movie
Driver spent Christmas on Hoth
RedZoneTuba didn't want an emotional support Gorn
Cork on Fork showed that everyone loved Leia

Farktography:
Ironically, four Farkers tied for first place in Farktography Contest No. 722: "One is the Loneliest Number, Again." Queen Mab showed someone on the lookout for sandworms, FriarReb98 was in the desert with a horse with no name, beerrun spotted a lonely cat, and Lovesandwich found a bench with no one to warm it

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Friday, March 15: Fort Collins, CO Fark Party


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

Hey Farkers, I got the quiz done too late due to the Great Outdoors, but it's live now. Check it out here: Fark Weird News Quiz

Good luck!

It's time to panic - there will be some updates on our mobile site later today, be sure to check them out. If you notice any problems or you have other feedback, please don't submit a thread about it, but instead help us out by contacting Farkback and select "Technical errors/difficulties/questions/bugs" in the dropdown. If your Fark browsing is interrupted by the Momo Challenge, be sure to contact the local news for an interview, and ask them to post multiple photos of you with your children looking sad and frightened. If you don't have children, borrow some. This is important. 


2019 Fark Fiction Anthology Information (brought to you by toraque)

The 2019 Fark Fiction Anthology is now open for submissions!

We're looking for short, original fiction from the Fark community, up to 10K words in length, in any of the following genres: Fantasy, Science Fiction, Humor, Horror, or Suspense/mystery/thriller.

Our fearless panel of editors is fired up and ready to pick the best entries of 2019, which will be published on Amazon in trade paperback and Kindle e-book editions.  All proceeds will again benefit a Fark-favorite charity, so you can help out a good cause just by reading!

This is open to everyone, if you're a long-time Farker, a TotalFarker, a lurker, or even if you just got lost on the internet looking for funny cat videos!  We accept submissions from authors with all levels of publishing history or experience, so even if you've never submitted anything you've written before, feel free to send it in! We also accept poetry and flash fiction, as long as they fit into the genres listed above.

So are you ready for the glory of publication along with the best and brightest writers on Fark? Submit your 2019 Fark Fiction Anthology entries here!  


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
pueblonative reacted to the claim that New York tourists like to visit night court
Abe Vigoda's Ghost shared an old photo of Grandma
squidloe described what Disneyland's new Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge area will be like
iron de havilland had first-hand experience with the threatening "Momo Challenge"
jaytkay also saw Momo while watching "Peppa Pig"
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That demonstrated what a woman found her husband doing in a video
FortyHams explained why you should never give bad reviews of a movie just because it stars a woman
Farking Clown Shoes defended Dave Bautista's acting skills
Diogenes didn't know how police managed to capture a man accused of stalking
Dr.Fey saw evidence that a woman was innocent of attacking her mother

Smart:
Biscuit Tin explained the difference between nursing homes and assisted living
ecmoRandomNumbers learned an important lesson about pit bulls
sirrerun thought that the blame for a pit bull attack belonged to the owner
Murflette explained why attorneys can't just go around insulting prosecutors
Calypsocookie thought a description of school sounds unfortunately familiar
parasol gave better advice for dealing with an ex's odd behavior than "Dear Prudence" did
basemetal had a theory on why a lottery winner hasn't claimed the winnings yet
revrendjim didn't account for women peeing or cats being jerks
Demetrius thought of what would've gotten Robert Kraft the harshest punishment from the NFL
whither_apophis had a message for a BYU police lieutenant and BYU's Honor Code Office

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Ceteris Paribus says actually knew something about 5-acre lakes made out of mercury
Funny: Mudgen shared a story about buying a pack of gum
Funny: CommieTaoist was helpful when someone was looking for the kind of spaghetti that Mom used to make
Smart: EatenTheSun is fine with "feeling old"
Smart: Mrs.Sharpier explained why a discovery of Fark comments history won't hurt any political ambitions

Politics Funny:
impaler showed President Rope Dope's reaction to testimony about his character
Spectrum saw a sign that something's gone wrong
Oysterman has had enough
Weird Hal expressed feelings about what Jacob Wohl was going through
NateAsbestos explained what a threatening tweet from Matt Gaetz to Michael Cohen means for Trump

Politics Smart:
wademh reacted to Donald Trump's plan to write an executive order granting First Amendment rights
parasol won't be attending Trump's party
stan unusual thought some CPAC art of Trump seemed familiar
naughtyrev pointed out why Sean Hannity might be called in to testify
Xai summed up Trump's feelings about meeting with Kim Jong Un while Michael Cohen testified


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed off the new aquatic Airbus
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel found Airbus' cousin
RedZoneTuba proved that you don't even need a ladder to get over the border fence
RedZoneTuba showed women taking a selfie at the Kent State shootings
RedZoneTuba created a nightmare
Circusdog320 captured the miracle of rainbow formation
RedZoneTuba made a potted han
Yammering_Splat_Vector had a new take on The Birth of Venus
Quick and Dirty danced with a hirsute nun
Yammering_Splat_Vector designed the prettiest parking meter

Farktography:
beerrun won Farktography Contest No. 721: "Stoned 2" with a beautiful photo of eroded sandstone in Antelope Canyon

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Friday, March 15: Fort Collins, CO Fark Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

We had another fun time on the quiz this week, and showed that we perhaps know more about Nutella than we probably should. Unfortunately, no one hit the 1000 club this week. It's getting kind of lonely in there and the cushions need airing out, so perhaps the next quiz will be a bit easier. On the quiz itself, ThunderChild takes the top spot with 930, followed by Gordon Bennettin second with 923 and wxboy in third with 917. Oliver Twisted made fourth with 915, and There I Was slides into the top five with 908.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over a shutdown in the world's largest Nutella factory. Only 28% of quiztakers knew that 600,000 jars per day, roughly one-quarter of the world's supply, comes from a single factory in Normandy in northern France. Other European facilities are in Poland, Turkey, Germany, and Italy, but none in any of the countries usually associated with high-quality chocolate. Probably because those countries have laws against diluting cocoa with something as ho-hum as hazelnuts.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over what monument the people of Taneytown, MD were considering in a bid to attract more tourists. 77% of quiztakers knew that someone had the brilliant idea of a large monument to John Wilkes Booth, The question is, do you really want to attract the kind of tourists that want to see a statue of the guy who killed Lincoln? I hear they're bad tippers and don't separate their recycling. And they tend to wear white even after Labor Day.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over Fat Tuesday. Only 43% of quiztakers knew that this observance marks the *end* of Carnival, the celebrations and excessive consumption of all the stuff people won't be consuming during Lent. Ash Wednesday, the day after Fat Tuesday, marks the beginning of the 40 days of Lent. Most of those who do not observe Carnival or Lent in the traditional Christian manner might better know Fat Tuesday by its French name - Mardi Gras.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over what '80s/'90s band complained that KISS was "stealing" their stage sets from their own farewell tour in 2015. 85% of quiztakers knew that it was Tommy Lee and Nikki Six of Mötley Crüe who felt that they were the first to think of putting their bass player on a crane. News Flash, guys, what do you think David Gillmour was standing on when he did "Comfortably Numb" from on top of the Wall in the 1980 concerts? Then again, Gilmour was a guitarist, not a bass player, so way to innovate, Nikki Six.

If you missed the quiz, you can catch up on it here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Tomorrow (Wednesday), we're going to be giving 24 hours of BareFark to everyone!  Let us know what you think, and if you like it feel free to sign up for BareFark!

I'm out traveling this week, Bay Area mainly.  In San Francisco on Thursday at 7 p.m., I'm a contestant/panelist on Rebecca Watson's Quiz-o-Tron at Piano Fight.  Friday evening I'll be joining Stone co-founder Greg Koch in San Jose for a Stone tap takeover (i.e., beer). If you're anywhere near either of those, drop in and say hi!  Would love to see you all.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
gopher321 sang a song about the Coast Guard officer accused of planning to be a domestic terrorist
alizeran explained what got New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft arrested
ds_4815 had bad news for Kraft
Jack Sabbath summed up the reason a woman attacked her fiancé
JerseyTim had questions about the specifics of Kraft's crime
Farking Clown Shoes suggested that someone might be right about "Captain Marvel" without having seen it
toddalmighty was confused by the name of a snake
whither_apophis helped a woman's argument when she was offended that employees in a Mexican restaurant were speaking Spanish to each other
MaudlinMutantMollusk considered what the motive might be for a Coast Guard lieutenant might have for terrorizing his own country
cowgirl toffee showed a candid reaction to a question about the "Koala Challenge"

Smart:
davidphogan pointed out something that apparently isn't obvious to racist people
wademh mentioned that speaking English can also bring you trouble in West Virginia
wejash summarized why truckers in Indiana were protesting
zbtop discussed the role of police officers in the U.S.
calbert reminded us that recycling is only a part of this nutritious breakfast
nmrsnr explained what police did wrong
Heavy Metal Nixon suggested something for doctors to say when cancer patients want to do alternative therapies instead of medicine
happydude45 discussed what's fueling aggression in the U.S.
Felito Cruz thought that part of the problem is people don't remember how bad things used to be
swahnhennessy explained why just obeying cops doesn't always keep you safe

CSB Sunday Morning:   The time you were a hero
Smart: W_Scarlet managed to get something good out of a bad day
Funny: libranoelrose gave a handful of help
Funny (honorable mention): davidphogan with two posts - one about a squirrel and the other about a calf

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: valanienna thought that someone was asking the wrong question
Smart: vegas_greaser advised someone who pooped blood
Funny: reagabeast defended adult humans drinking human breast milk
Funny: rcf1105 explained why Tamera drank Tia's breast milk
Funny: generalDisdain knew one incurable condition a Fark submitter has

Politics Funny:
naughtyrev caught Jacob Wohl refusing to definitively reply to an accusation
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That explained "Saturday Night Live" to an angry Donald Trump
Mr.Tangent imagined how Fox News might describe Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez petting an affectionate dog
holdmybones has had it with lying Farkers
Rapmaster2000 clarified which symbol was next to the judge of Roger Stone's case in the photo he posted

Politics Smart:
MattytheMouse saw a few problems with an article stating that Robert Mueller's investigation hasn't uncovered much
Weaver95 was looking forward to a certain part of the Covington Catholic student's lawsuit
markie_farkie possibly spotted a felony
Silverstaff told a story about deciding to support "Medicare for all"
Miss5280 predicted another group that's going to complain about lower tax refunds


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba boldly went where many socks have gone before
RedZoneTuba showed the USS Green Bay carrying precious cargo
Yammering_Splat_Vector found where our socks have been making their Exodus to
Alligator showed us the "Star Trek" episode with the lowest budget
Stephen_Falken had some bad news for a road tripper
Herb Utsmelz went to Vladimir Putin's favorite drive-through
RedZoneTuba chose a strange place to go to sleep
Alligator started off the day with a clear view
Stephen_Falken wanted to play a game
Snubnose spied some mad talent

Farktography:
Circusdog320 won Farktography Contest No. 720: "Coffee Shop" with a photo of her holiness Coffee Madonna

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Tuesday, February 26: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party (please note the date has changed)
Thursday, February 28: San Francisco Fark Party: Rebecca Watson's Scientists vs. Comedians Quiz-O-Tron with Drew, then drinks somewhere after
Friday, March 1: San Jose Fark Party with Drew
Friday, March 15: Fort Collins, CO Fark Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

Yet another fun time on the quiz, and playing with the pencils on the Group W bench. Parts of the South are starting to see dry land again, after what was the wettest February on record (and still some chance of rain on Thursday, so month ain't over yet). On the Quiz, TwoHead takes the top spot with 922, followed by ThePuceGuardian in second with 895 and rokstar in third with 877. Denjiro makes fourth with 861, and LizardOnAStick sneaks into the top 5 with 856.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over Florida Man's new career as a purveyor of online cheat apps. Only 27% of quiztakers knew that "Elusive" was a cheating package Florida Man had created and sold for GTA Online, and since he failed to show up for court, the publishers won a $150,000 judgement against him. Because in a world where the object is to steal cars, participate in major heists, and kill law enforcement officials, we've all gotta play fair. As a wise man once said, "This isn't 'Nam, there are rules!"

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over a phone scammer who picked the wrong guy to fark with. 79% of quiztakers recognized the name of William Webster as the man named by Jimmy Carter to serve as  FBI Director. He was later named by Ronald Reagan to serve as Head of the CIA, the only person to have held both positions. He also currently serves (at 94 years old!) as the Chair of the Homeland Security Advisory Council, a position he has held since 2004 under three presidents. Yeah, probably not a guy you want to threaten over the phone to get money from. He might know a few people.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over rapper Cardi B's Instagram feed, which I'm sure everyone taking the quiz subscribes to. Only.51% of quiztakers knew that she sent out a thank you to the late Tom Petty when she recognized the lyrics to "Walls" on a card accompanying a floral arrangement congratulating her on her Grammy wins. I think next week I'll include a question on Khloe Kardashian's Twitter feed, so I hope you're Keeping Up.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the silly names our friendly but somehow both silly and stuffy allies on the British Isles have for things. 92% of quiztakers knew that "Dead Man's Leg" was a name they've given to a jam-filled pasty which is rolled up and then steamed. The name seemingly comes from the rather unhygienic practice of steaming them in old shirt sleeves or trouser legs, and the fact the jam was usually reddish in color and showed through when you cut into it.

If you missed the quiz last week, you can catch up on it here.

Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week!

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Kentucky is my home and I love living here. One of the downsides however is I never just happen to run into digital media folks. I travel and meet folks for business, but it's always for specific reasons. I don't often get to sit down and just have a beer or grab coffee and catch up on general industry experiences and work-related concerns.

As a result, I see certain trends on Fark's end but I can't tell whether or not they are particular to just Fark or to the rest of digital media. For example, Fark's traffic has been holding steady for the past five years. The lack of growth worried me - were we doing something wrong? Then about a year ago I ran into some Web 2.0 folks who told me that everyone's traffic has been heading down since about 2012 - across all websites.  So it turns out flat traffic is doing pretty well overall. It turns out most of the drop others are experiencing is no longer getting as much traffic from Facebook - on average most news sites' traffic from Facebook is down 97%.  Yes, that's right. Not Fark though, mainly because we never relied on traffic from them in the first place. How did that happen?

A few years back, Facebook did a thing negatively referred to in the digital media industry as the "pivot to video." In short, Facebook got spooked by Snapchat, so they started pushing news outlets to produce more online video content. Media companies spent millions of dollars building video studios, staffed up video production, and then abruptly about a year ago, Facebook suddenly changed their mind and dropped the whole thing like it never happened. They also de-prioritized news content at the same time. Most of the huge digital media layoffs we've seen in the past few weeks are directly related to this series of events.

Although Fark didn't participate in the pivot to video, one side effect was advertisers started switching to video ads. While Fark wasn't negatively impacted by the traffic drop that hit everyone else (because we've never relied too much on traffic from search or social media), it is however the case that we don't run much of these types of ads. For a number of reasons, mainly related to video client load and privacy concerns but it gets more boring from here - anyone who wants to know more about technical side of the video ads issue can hit me up over a beer sometime.

Tl;dr, Fark doesn't currently run the high dollar types of ads advertisers are producing thanks to the pivot-to-video headfake, and as a result overall advertiser demand has dropped, which has resulted in a drop overall revenue. And it's not just us. Josh Marshall over at Talking Points Memo wrote this backgrounder about how the last three years look revenue-wise from his perspective - and apparently our experiences are industry-wide. In short, they've always done much better than us but they're seeing the same sharp downward trend. Read his article, and feel free to sign up for Prime over there if you like as well, I'm a subscriber myself.

As for how all this happened in the first place going back to the beginnings of the web in the mid '90s, I'm focusing mostly on this issue in the book I'm currently working on, which you'll get a copy of if you sign up for a one year TotalFark membership. It's a combination of the History of Fark and the History of Digital Media, along with some of the craziest things that I experienced as a result of running Fark for 20 years.

Additionally, next Wednesday we're going to give everyone a whole day of BareFark - we're going to drop all ads off the site so you can see what it's like. We prefer having you as a BareFark subscriber, mainly because we're not opposed to Adblock per se, but ads and subscriptions are the only ways we keep the lights on. There are many valid reasons for using an ad blocker, however Fark needs revenue from somewhere so we can make it another 20 years.

On the TotalFark side, I'm also going to try to start holding weekly drop-in office hours on TotalFark, probably on Fridays starting the second week in March (which would be March 8th). I say -try- because it all depends on my travel schedule, but if you'd like a chance to drop in and ask whatever you like, you'll soon have a weekly chance if you sign up for TotalFark.

I've been thinking a lot over the past few years about online communities in general. None of them protect their readers to the extent we do. We don't sell your email, your data, or allow third parties to track your every movement across our site (ie which threads you read/click like on/etc), unlike literally every other large platform out there. I very much dislike the long-term privacy implications of what Facebook and others are doing, and I believe platforms should defend their readers, not sell them out. Along those lines, I've got a series of ideas and proposals that would enhance Fark along the lines of increased privacy, and a moonshot that it could eventually impact the rest of the Internet as well. We're probably looking at a 3 - 5 year time horizon and a significant cash outlay. But that's what I'm looking to build. Basically I want it to exist for my kids.

For that matter, if anyone's looking to invest a Series A level amount of money, I'd be open to a conversation. Drop me a line. We could get there quicker.

Meanwhile, Fark just turned 20 and we wouldn't be here without TotalFark. TotalFark got us through the early years, it helped us survive the great recession, and we need your help again to get through this latest blip on the radar. Thanks to everyone who's contributed and kept us going. We're proud of what we've built and we're proud of the community we have here. Thanks for being part of it.
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
cowgirl toffee explained why a USB stick still works after being found in seal poop
TheSwizz shared a story about a vanity license plate being ruined
rewind2846 saw evidence that a witness to a multi-car pileup wasn't all that bright
Unobtanium thought of what a former FBI and CIA director might have said to a phone scammer
farkingismybusiness reacted to a shootout in front of a restaurant
One particular thread was relevant to bearded clamorer's interests
A strange video of Jennifer Garner made NuclearPenguins very happy
vudukungfu knew what a camera operator's companion was thinking
drayno76 is a multi-talented artist
holdmybones had a doctor who barks orders at patients

Smart:
palladiate explained why "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" wasn't a good movie
swaniefrmreddeer summed up Chris Pratt's defense of the church he belongs to
Coconice was surprised to side with police officers in a shooting
BizarreMan shared a story about an office joker who needed to learn a lesson
Fizpez had an idea for cutting down on scam phone callers
WilderKWight argued that killing certain animals is the same as murder
BadReligion explained the decision to stop carrying guns
Xcott was impressed by a mansplainer's tenacity
winedrinkingman saw terrible irony in what some Christian missionaries were doing
Parthenogenetic helpfully did some Becky math

CSB Sunday Morning:   I've got a bad feeling about this
Smart: Sarah Jessica Farker didn't trust a sedan
Funny:  chicken_little felt someone watching from above

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Angry Drunk Bureaucrat defended a fellow Farker from a mean lunch lady
Funny: Solty Dog was disrespectful to the lead tech
Funny: Brawndo explained the difference between the Vitamix 5200 and 7500 models
Funny: Dr. Tuttle let us know how much time it takes to raise money for a new car
Funny: merrillvillain regretted not refreshing the thread before commenting

Politics Funny:
Straight Outta Wells Branch imagined Alex Jones being sentenced
Mr. Coffee Nerves knew what Donald Trump likes in his omelets
Bootleg was surprised to learn what was done with Charles Manson's body
ralphjr imagined Fox News Channel discussing Gov. Gretchen Whitmer's dress
Eddie Adams from Torrance thought it was a bad idea for Robert Mueller's team to interview Sarah Sanders

Politics Smart:
AdmirableSnackbar predicted a way in which Trump's national emergency declaration could backfire
markie_farkie thought that Mike Pence was being a hypocrite
Eddie Adams from Torrance wanted to remind Donald Trump Jr. about Republicans' reaction after the Affordable Care Act was passed
JolobinSmokin celebrated one of Donald Trump's achievements
GooberMcFly asked a question about Trump's tweet about open borders attracting Latin Americans


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba would gladly pay you Tuesday for some mustard today
RedZoneTuba had a member of the military become the new White House press secretary
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel found that Mickey Mouse has met his demise
thatguyoverthere70 showed us what happened to Speedy Gonzales
Stephen_Falken discovered another guy who's been exposed by the #MeToo movement
Don_cos showed us Drew's competition in the race to become Kentucky's Auditor of Public Accounts
thatguyoverthere70 found Republicans preparing for the next election
X-Geek helped a dalmatian blend in
Circusdog320 found out that ACME has a different kind of product now
RedZoneTuba had something better than a tauntaun to ride

Farktography:
Morchella won Farktography Contest No. 719: "Ice Ice Baby" with ice from freezing rain

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Tuesday, February 26: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party (please note the date has changed)
Friday, March 15: Fort Collins, CO Fark Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

Yet another fun time on the Quiz this week, although once again the 1000 club remains empty. I'll try and soften it a bit this week so we can get a packed house for the AAF games this weekend (we're all watching the AAF, right?) 

As far as scores, Lamberts Ho Man came out on top with 10/11 and a very nice 909, followed by AirForceVet in second with 878 and dantanner in third with 870. Denjiro made fourth with 855, and The Third Man is the Fifth Man (well, person) this week with 853.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over which athletic apparel company thought it would be a great idea to rebrand one of its existing shoes as a tribute to Black History Month. And make it all-white. And make it out of cotton. Only 35% of quiztakers knew that it was Adidas who somehow didn't have anyone at the company in any kind of position of authority who stood up and said, "you know, maybe this isn't such a good idea?" 

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about Artificial Intelligence-designed off-the-shelf seasoning blends. 90% of quiztakers knew that McCormick was working with IBM's Watson team to get some flavors designed by a computer. I mean, if there's one thing I trust when it comes to finding the stuff that tastes best, it's a chef who can't actually taste anything and has to go on what a bunch of other people think tastes good to them. I kinda look forward to the reviews.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about the New Jersey's Villa Italia Kitchen and their $25 Fyre Festival Pizza. Only 50% of quiztakers knew of the infamous Styrofoam tray sandwich with two slices of individually-wrapped processed cheese on two pieces of plain white bread that made the rounds on Instagram during the ill-fated concert. Villa Italian Kitchen's take was a wedge of pizza dough with a touch of tomato sauce and those same kind of processed cheese slices - still in the packaging. Still a better deal than what you get at the average NFL game.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over what document had gone back on display in the Salisbury Cathedral in Salisbury, England after an attempted theft last year. 89% of quiztakers knew that it was an original copy of the Magna Carta the hammer-wielding thief had been after. For the record, there is no evidence that the Continental Congress ever sent an actual copy to King George or to Parliament, although at least two copies still in existence made their way to the British government in 1776. All three known "official" copies in England are held in the National Archives in London.

If you missed the quiz last week, you can catch up on it here. Congrats to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.


Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)

We had a great time with Headline of the Year 2018 and we're slowly working our way through the new Headlines of the Week to get caught up with this new year!

Thanks as always to our amazing submitters and to our TotalFark voters.  These are the headlines we love to share and say "*this* is Fark."

Here are a few of our favorites, check out here for all the Fark Headlines of the Week

Main
Kentucky man with a bad temper throws Christmas ham at woman, still not cured

Sports 
Our top guys suck, they're soft on pucks. *CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP* Deep in the heart of Texas. Jim Lites he rants, on head his pants. * CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP* Deep in the heart of Texas

Geek
Scientists create a 'metamagnetism' compound, which is a fancy way to say 'cool magnet'. Ytterbium, is there something it cannot do?

Entertainment
R-E-S-P-E-C-T / Forgot 1040 EZ / R-E-S-P-E-C-T / Byline, TMZ

Politics
Top U.S. general details President Trump's Middle East withdrawal plans and strategy. In short: ¯\_★(ツ)★_/¯

Business
Shrodinger's economy

Discussion
20 years later: Yes, you can finally have no bananas

D'awww
Put down the knife, Eh. I'll be forced to give you a warm hug if you don't. Beware, I am flannel belt

Food
Hey, the world needs coconut pickers

________________________

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

20 years ago, sometime around this date, I manually coded the first html page that marked the beginning of Fark.  I posted two links on it. You can still see them in the Farkives. The second one was "Man fatally mauled by pet cow," which marked what I thought was the beginning of making Kentucky become famous for being the weirdest state in the U.S.  At that time, I didn't know about Florida.

Fark parties started up sometime around mid-2000; the earliest ones were to keep me occupied while I was on business travel - I had a side-hustle writing medical databases.

Friends were made, Fark grew larger, more friends were made.  A few thousand of you got married, most of those folks had kids.  We all grew up together. I was 26 when Fark started. Last week I turned 46.  I've got a beautiful wife, three kids (15, 12, and 9), a house in Kentucky.  I've tried some things that have worked and some that haven't, but I don't regret the attempts regardless of the outcome.  In some ways I've grown up a lot, even though I've found that what I thought was a "real adult" doesn't fit for me, and I'm pretty fine with that actually.

I've met tens of thousands of you.  Even for folks who don't read Fark as much lately, so many of you are still in touch with each other that whenever I get a friend request on social media, I can tell what five-year range you started reading based on who our mutual friends are.  I'm grateful for all these connections, even though I've been backing away from social media lately. I don't like how needy the engagement algorithms are becoming - a feeling I don't get when reading Fark, incidentally. A lot of the rest of social media is engineered to consume your world, Fark isn't. We're here to be funny and sometimes smart, and nowadays by complete accident Fark is one of the last places on the internet where you might find subject matter you didn't know you'd be interested in.

Thank you for spending your time on Fark.  It's been amazing to know you all. Here's to hopefully another 20 years together.  I'm not planning on going anywhere.

Ten years ago, I wrote up a brief history of Fark, or tried to.  I had so much material I only got as far as the end of 2000. This year I'm happy to announce that I've been writing a History of Fark and there's so much material, it's turning into a book.  It's well over 40,000 words now, which would be a smallish paperback novel by itself - and I'm only up to the year 2009 so far.

As I'm writing this book, I'm struck by how much the entire ecosystem of  the Internet has changed, over and over and over again as it turns out.  I'm also discovering that you can see all kinds of hints and foreshadowing for how things turned out 20 years later.  Thanks to Fark, I had some cool and close connections along the way to a lot of what happened. And a lot of it's weird.  How weird?  I'm reminded of  something that the writers of Silicon Valley said, some of whom are my friends, that even though all of the show's subplots are based on real events, some of the actual events were so ludicrous that test audiences considered them to be implausibly bad fiction.  I've seen more than my fair share of those as well. I'm working toward a summer release.

And on that note, yes here comes the sign up for TotalFark pitch - which, by the way, if you sign up for TotalFark, you will not see sign up for TotalFark messages anymore - because one of the perks of having TotalFark is not having to be asked to sign up for TotalFark!  Anyhow, as an added bonus, anyone who signs up for a $50 TotalFark account today will get a copy of the Fark 20 book!  As will anyone who renews around this time who drops me a line asking me for one - I don't want to penalize longtime subscribers.  Same goes if you end up waiting a few days, but seriously just head on over and sign up. Fark wouldn't be here today without our subscribers, and more on specifically why and how next week because I've taken enough of your time already.

There will be 20th anniversary Fark parties!  I've got a couple in the works for San Francisco and New York City sponsored by local radio stations in both cities.  New York in particular might line up well at the end of July when I am doing a bike ride from Manhattan to Buffalo to raise money for the Roswell Cancer Institute because there's still no cure for cancer, but it's closer than it ever has been.  There's definitely one coming in Boston in early July as well.  Let me know if you'd like to host one in your area, I'll make it if I can!

Thanks again for reading.  It's been a great ride so far, let's keep going.
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That had a GIF for the real Bo Burnham getting an award
IgG4 revealed a former Miss Ukraine's secret
Pocket Ninja lectured us on how incredibly dangerous it is for a child to walk four miles
Theaetetus was outraged by what astronauts do with their poop
Cyberluddite backed up another Farker's opinion
grokca pointed out that people have unrealistic expectations of marriage
doglover showed how the children of anti-vaxxers are getting vaccinated
Chemlight Battery described being unable to get into a prominent university
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That answered the question Farkers keep asking
turboke wasn't sure about the idea of living in a yurt city

Smart:
Ambivalence weighed in on Liam Neeson's admission
feckingmorons had an idea for getting anti-vaxxers vaccinated
Brosephus was worried about getting shot by cops
Random Anonymous Blackmail explained what one would think would be obvious
jake_lex thought that Verizon had some particularly ridiculous commercials
OgreMagi suggested one way of combating police being unnecessarily violent
TheManofPA summed up the Super Bowl
wejash had some thoughts about people admitting to racism in their past
Dawnrazor had a solution for parents being upset about which school their kids are supposed to attend
stoli n coke was impressed by the sellers of tiny houses

CSB Sunday Morning:   Mother Nature's shenanigans
Smart: noazark was narrowly missed by disaster
Funny:  ingo shared anecdotes about the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: merrillvillain had a short answer for a stripper name comprised of "your Taco Bell order plus your biggest regret"
Funny: olapbill recreated a seductive pose
Smart: Groupon boob job showed a talent for woodworking
Funny: KangTheMad explained who Cardi B is
Funny: merrillvillain found something comparable to the Super Bowl

Politics Funny:
optikeye figured that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has practice with a certain method of making her point
doyner thought the grapefruit had been passed
AntiM was inspired by one of Donald Trump's tweets
MattytheMouse had a decent point from Q
DissonantEscapist explained Trump's purported 50% approval rating
Uranus Megahertz found a reason why a teacher should've expected sass from another Farker

Politics Smart:
arrogantbastich had an idea of why Jacob Wohl thinks "liberal women have a certain 'look'"
Chariset summed up an article from someone who had left the Republican Party
holdmybones believed that Trump was accidentally right about something
AdmirableSnackbar argued that Ocasio-Cortez has this one weird trick for keeping opponents off balance
arrogantbastich had some thoughts about Trump and the House Intelligence Committee


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Circusdog320 made some peppers and sausage
Yammering_Splat_Vector Munched on a bell pepper
Yammering_Splat_Vector helped Vladimir Putin slip into something more comfortable
Stephen_Falken brought back the coolest guys ever posted on Fark
RedZoneTuba proved that even water won't slow this dancer down
RedZoneTuba showed us who made this trail in the snow
Alligator gave a surprise smooch
crispy pizza taught us how to draw
Don_cos dropped in on Hank and Peggy Hill
Yammering_Splat_Vector took a slow ride through the ice

Farktography:
FuLinHyu won Farktography Contest No. 718: "For F's Sake" with a foggy road

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Tuesday, February 26: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party (please note the date has changed)
Friday, March 15: Fort Collins, CO Fark Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

We had a fun time on the quiz again last week, although many people were out doing outside things now that the weather is above "holy fark it's cold". On the quiz itself, Hooferatheart barely missed the 1000 club with a 999. So, I'll leave the curtain open and you can watch our private screening of 2001: A Space Oddysey in 8K from outside the window. Denjiro made second with 943, followed by coldcuts in third with 927. wearsmanyhats managed fourth with a very respectable 922, and M-G finishes out the top five with 921.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was about which ticker symbol became available on the Canadian Stock Exchange in Toronto. Only 32% of quiztakers were up on Canadian legal marijuana investments and knew that Potash Corp. of Saskatchewan merged with Agrium, Inc. to form Nutrien Ltd, which I assume makes poutine or something. That freed up the symbol POT, which the Canadians decided to hold a very polite lottery for, under the condition the winner apologizes to the losers. In case you're wondering, a tiny Vancouver company called Weekend Unlimited was the winner, causing its stock to rise by 150%. Now imagine if they added the word "blockchain" to their name.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about what kind of critters invaded Point Reyes National Seashore in northern California during the government shutdown. 91% of quiztakers knew that a rookery of elephant seals (yes, a rookery, I looked it up) thought it was a nice beach, so they rushed the gate and broke down a fence like it was Woodstock or something, but left the humans feeling more like it was the Fyre Festival since officials determined the beach had to remain closed. I'm guessing they sghut it down because those seals really know how to throw a party, and we humans just couldn't handle their kind of debauchery. 

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over what chicken joint you can go to in the South to get a Cheeto Chicken Sandwich. Only 56% of quiztakers knew that it was KFC who has partnered up with Frito Lay to somehow make fried chicken even more unhealthy (albeit somewhat more tasty, especially if you're under the influence of something or other). The sandwiches feature not just Cheetos, but a special "Cheeto Sauce" made by Frito Lay, I'm assuming from Cheeto dust and memories of a lost childhood.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was about where you can find the world-famous Lombard Street, which many people argue is the twistiest road in the world, 91% of quiztakers knew that local officials in San Francisco were considering charging tourists $5-10 for the privilege of driving it, and making it by appointment only in order to reduce congestion for the local people that actually need to drive it to get to work and stuff. I mean, it's not like it could possibly be fun, I think it's mainly just something you can say you did. I can't imagine having to drive it to get to work every day, and it can only get worse with a bunch of tourists around.

If you missed out on last week's quiz, you can catch up on it here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.


Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)

Welcome back to Headline of the Week!  We had a great time with Headline of the Year 2018 and we're slowly working our way through December and January Headlines of the Week to get caught up with this new year!

Thanks as always to our amazing submitters and to our TotalFark voters.  These are the headlines we love to share and say "*this* is Fark."

Here are a few of our favorites from cold December, check out all the Headlines of the Week here!

Main

"Zombie cyclone" terrorizes Australia, bringing with it half a metre of raiiiiiiiiins

Sports

You can't spell "Cowboys" without 00

Geek

One grill, 2,700 cups

Entertainment

Oh, the places you'll go...Be your name Horton or Grinch or Yertel, or Audrey (missus Dr. Seuss) Geisel...You're off to Great Places, today is your day...Your husband is waiting. So...You're on your way

Politics

Democrats are excited, VERY excited, as Trump's odds of impeachment surge. Look at those odds surging. Those turgid, throbbing odds, thrusting and surging; surging and ramming, the engorged surging YES OH GOD YES THEY SURGE SO GOOD

Business

WaPo: "Bitcoin Cash's 180% Bounce Looks Like a Dead Cat". Pfft, what do they know? DeadCatCoin will be the next big thing. That'll show 'em

Discussion

There I was, thinking about cooking dinner. My cats were eager for their food out of a can, and it struck me: I never cook for my cats. Am I strange? Should I whip them up a nice tuna salad, or just go with Fancy Feast because they won't complain?

D'awww

Hold me closer, Tiny Riverdancer

Food

If it's one thing that humans are really good at, it's making booze from whatever ingredients happen to be lying around

________________________

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Happy championship parade day, Boston.  You'd think they'd be all paraded out given the past few years of their sports team successes.  However, they also like skipping work and day drinking, so I doubt they'll find their enthusiasm waning anytime soon.  

As for other news-related stuff, the State of the Union drinking game is tonight.  Choose your terms carefully or at least notify your local hospital to fire up the stomach pump in anticipation of your arrival.  I should be in rare form - they scheduled a KY basketball game right before it.

In other news, its my birthday this week!  My friend Buck Wolf from the Huffington Post recently talked me into cycling 500 miles from Manhattan to Buffalo in late July.  I'm raising $3,500 for the Roswell Park Alliance Foundation, which claims to spend all their donations on fighting cancer as opposed to hiding crashed alien spaceships and tricking Jonathan Frakes into doing voice overs for questionable Fox documentaries.  Either way, I figure it's a worthy cause. To sweeten the deal, if I hit my fundraising goal on or before my birthday, Thursday February 7th, I promise not only to buy and wear the "F*ck Cancer" socks pictured in the stock photo I randomly chose for the fundraiser, but I'll have my daughter Sierra, age 9, paint my toenails all kinds of glittery fancy colors for the ride.  All the bronies will be super jealous. So if you're a fan of fighting cancer, hiding evidence of aliens, and making me dress funny, this is your golden opportunity to donate now. Also, that's a weird fetish to have.

Speaking of which, the ride takes a full week and stops in all the major New York cities.  So you know what that means - Fark parties! I'm pretty sure we're stopping in or near Albany, Syracuse, Rochester, and Buffalo on the ride.  And as an added bonus, Fark turns 20 years old next week! So we've got something to celebrate! More on Fark20 in the next Fark NotNewsletter!

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Feral Cat With Scissors was adamantly opposed to having a dress code for parents visiting schools
naughtyrev realized just how poorly men treat a certain woman who can't climax
Naido had a good question about a Boy Scout who had a gun pulled on him for putting a flyer on a door
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That had a better place to put a Pop Tart instead of sticking it in your fanny
MrBallou summed up a very Canadian problem
revrendjim found a problem with David Dunning's advice on avoiding the Dunning-Kruger effect
the_innkeeper agreed that another Farker's sister was responsible for the Space Shuttle Challenger explosion
Slypork referenced a 1972 film
hobnail responded to the assertion that a man is gay if he admires a woman's derriere
markie_farkie figured out what was happening in someone's selfie

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
giantmeteor had some strong words for the planet Neptune

Smart:
NotARocketScientist explained why some doctors won't accept the children of anti-vaxxers as patients
Ambivalence presented evidence that windchill is not meaningless
MattytheMouse shared a personal story about the implication that anti-vaxxers would rather their children die than have autism
Xanlexian showed the good that can be caused by anti-vaxxers
hobnail responded to the assertion that a man is gay if he admires a woman's derriere
winedrinkingman discussed how 50 guns might have gone missing from the Maricopa County Sheriff's office when Joe Arpaio was in charge
vudukungfu wondered if a newly-discovered problem means we can talk about gun control now
sigdiamond2000 thought that being a "men's rights activist" sounds like a real treat
eurotrader had advice for a woman who can't get joy
wejash predicted what a cop will do in the future

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Badafuco learned that young people aren't going to understand all the old references
Funny: merrillvillain helped a Farker who couldn't get the house heated above 67°
Smart: MIAppologia's solution sounded like a lot more work
Funny: Barry McCockner taught some students to be excited about listing their sources
Funny: EatHam really worked hard at messing with a Canadian coworker

Politics Funny:
scottydoesntknow figured that Robert Mueller will do what it takes to get Roger Stone to cooperate
naughtyrev explained the cold weather to Donald Trump
grokca pointed out that Trump shouldn't worry about his doctor revealing how much Trump weighs now
Farking Clown Shoes altered the White House Press Secretary's appearance
cameroncrazy1984 explained why there won't be another government shutdown over the border wall

Politics Smart:
Snapper Carr commented on the idea that Trump is destroying Ronald Reagan's legacy
mrshowrules had tips for determining if Trump is lying or telling the truth
weddingsinger thought that comparing Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to Trump overlooks the essence of Trump's personality
NewportBarGuy considered how the U.S. intelligence community probably feels right now
BizarreMan responded to Trump's angry tweet about a new book by Cliff Sims


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Herb Utsmelz showed someone scratching an itchy leg
RedZoneTuba misplaced something very important while on vacation
RedZoneTuba found a very lonely candidate
cowgirl toffee helped Drew get a side job
Snubnose sensed a presence
RedZoneTuba gave us a moody twosome
RedZoneTuba found a photo of the first telephone operator
Yammering_Splat_Vector brought out the big lizard
RedZoneTuba flew a Zeppelin too low
Snubnose needs to get Drew a tutor

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 717: "Reflections 4" ended in a tie between BecauseISaidSo's shiny Chicago bean and beerrun's cloudy-eyed baseball player

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Friday, February 8: Eugene, OR Fark Party
Wednesday, February 27: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party
Friday, March 15: Fort Collins, CO Fark Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

We had another great time on the quiz while frozen in last week. Unfortunately, no one made it into the 1000 club, which is a shame because the slumber party on Sunday evening was a rousing success, especially DisseminationMonkey's 18-layer-dip. Well, it was supposedly 18 layers, but no one made it past layer 11 because the chips were too short. Anyway, Denjiro came out on top with 952, followed by FrancoFile in second with 949 and jaksmata in third with 926. FormerJanitor took fourth with 906, and the number five slot goes to LizardOnAStick with 854. I'm guessing scores will be better this week since half the country was too frozen to leave the house, and subsisted on milk and bread sandwiches and threw things at anyone who suggested "Netflix and Chill".

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over which country was the first to sink their claws into Google for violations of the E.U.'s General Data Protection Regulation, which provides consumer privacy protections. Only 30% of quiztakers knew that it was France who wouldn't surrender against the 800 lb. gorilla Google has become. I mean, you only have to go to any beach in the south of France to see just how much they all value their privacy over there. 

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over which one of those wacky British royals made tabloid headlines for the week. 82% of quiztakers knew that although Prince Philip has retired from public life, he apparently still likes to go for a drive every now and again in a 6+-year-old low-end Range Rover. The oddest part of the story was that reporters witnessed another of the same model SUV being dropped off at his residence later in the week. Not even an upgrade? I'm thinking maybe his wife was not amused and was making him drive that as punishment for something.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the name Nabisco has settled on for their new bag of creme with a few chocolate wafers inside, swimming around like the prize in your Froot Loops in 1983. Surprisingly, only 34% of quiztakers knew that they had settled on "Most Stuf" as the name, although I think they could add an "-ly" to the end for accuracy. Which means that 64% of quiztakers thought "Over Stuf" was a good name. Perhaps I should trademark that for when they decide to start leaving out the chocolate wafers.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the Grand Basset Griffon Vendéen and the Nederlandse Kooikerhondjes. 85% of quiztakers knew that these were new dog breeds introduced as categories in the upcoming Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. The few times I've watched it, I've found that the fancier the name of the breed, the more likely it is to do its business on the carpet, so I'm expecting to see some leg humping of the judges out of at least one of these.

If you missed last week's quiz, you can catch up on it here. Congratulations to the winners, and later this week we'll be testing the knowledge you gained from sitting around in your jammies last week when it was too cold to venture outwards.


Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)

Welcome back to Headline of the Week!  We had a great time with Headline of the Year 2018 and we're just starting to work through December and January Headlines of the Week to get caught up with this new year!

Thanks as always to our amazing submitters and to our TotalFark voters.  These are the headlines we love to share and say "*this* is Fark."

Here are a few of our favorites this week, check out all the Fark Headlines of the Week here.

Main

"Inside the mind of a plagiarist" (easiest headline I ever submitted)

Sports

Man named Zebulon attacks firefighter after Browns game. May his punishment be watching all future Browns games with Hue Jackson

Geek

Time travel is possible, but only if you have infinite mass. Well, I've been off my diet for a while now

Entertainment 

No, James Bond has a drinking solution

Politics

He did not slap them in the mouth. He did not slap them north, nor south. He did not kick them in the balls. He did not throw them from his Halls. He rejected all their pleas, and slammed those whose job's to "speak for the trees"

Business

His name was Ghosn, he headed Nissan. With a Brazil apartment as his lair, and misconduct down to there. He did a tap dance, he saw his big chance. But Nissan thought it odd, since he's indicted for tax fraud. At the Copa, Copacabana

Discussion 

As Infrastructure Week comes to a close, join us for the MSNBC FRESH HELL FRIDAY thread. Fun starts at 8pm EST, BYOB, IYKWISAITYDNTTAWWT

Yawl shud be asahmed four shamming that farker hoo mispeled himp erliar

D'awww

Needles to say, spotting a rare albino porcupine waddling through a snowy forest is an une-quilled delight

Food

A hot dog is a taco, a steak is a salad and a Pop-Tart is a calzone. Let the Cube Rule explain

________________________

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.

Winter Storm Jayden is here, causing schools to close, flights to get canceled, offices to close, bread and milk to be bought, and people to freeze their asses off. Please check in at our Winter Storm Jayden discussion thread to update fellow Farkers if you're affected by it. Stay safe, and maybe consider putting on some pants just this once.

XOXO,
DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat revealed what some Farkers do in the bedroom
Winterlight guessed at why a home invasion went so wrong for the criminals
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That gave a math lesson
Im_Gumby fixed a grammatical error
Descartes thought that some events after a break-in sounded familiar
Devolving_Spud had a wedding gift for a vegan who hates meat eaters
Too Pretty For Prison is also too pretty for hiking
ox45tallboy shared some information about cougars
SirEattonHogg found an illustration of a gross experience a flight attendant had
bearded clamorer knew why a man wasn't badly injured when a KFC worker threw food at him

Smart:
Chariset cleared up a misconception about incels
MattytheMouse explained why incels are unable to get what they want
Scorpitron is reduced to a thin red paste explained why even somehow getting what they want wouldn't make incels happy
pkjun discussed comedians who complain about "political correctness"
Gordon Bennett translated a vegan bride's complaints
koder argued with an author's statements on the dangers of legal marijuana
theflatline defended Seth MacFarlane's science fiction credentials
Mr. Coffee Nerves figured out how millennials could be responsible for the downfall of Harley Davidson
Dark Side Of The Spoon discussed how and why men become incels
rewind2846 gave a graphic example of why you should vaccinate your children (and yourself)

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: KangTheMad explained why weighted blankets are so popular lately
Funny: flucto had a really creepy experience with a nosy neighbor
Funny: generalDisdain pointed out that an hour is enough time to be truly prepared for a date
Funny: Brawndo gave advice on a good place to get a weighted blanket

Politics Funny:
shower_in_my_socks showed us what Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were doing
impaler reacted to Roger Stone's arrest
impaler consulted a psychic
Chariset revealed information about certain members of Congress
Dimensio pointed out that QAnon was right all along
impaler showed Snekretary making an announcement about Hillary Clinton's emails

Politics Smart:
Visual Howlaround Title Sequence discussed rural Republicans' dislike of the federal government
JulieAzel626 had an idea of why some people were happy with the government shutdown
markie_farkie figured out the origin of the money Democrats offered to Donald Trump for border security
Mike_LowELL asked us to stretch our imaginations
Thundrull shared a photo of a migrant caravan

CSB Sunday Morning:   Wearing the wrong thing
Smart (tie): mama2tnt was gracious at a funeral
Smart (tie): ytterbium had a slightly different reaction to unusual funeral attire
Funny:  The Headless Horseman's Headless Horse should've traveled by sleigh and reindeer

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
All of the top 10 highest-voted entries came from the same contest: "With Trump's State of the Union speech coming up, let's Photoshop him giving his address from some appropriate places. Difficulty: Must be above ground." As I'm writing this, voting is still open, so results may have shifted slightly, but the top-10 entries as of Sunday morning are from RedZoneTuba, Yammering_Splat_Vector, Herb Utsmelz, Circusdog320, Driver, Yammering_Splat_Vector, Circusdog320, Yammering_Splat_Vector, Low Budget Mofo, and Knockers. You can see all of the vote results for this contest here.

Here are some top-voted entries from some of the other contests from last week:
fortheloveofgod found that this unusual woman has some interested suitors
Yammering_Splat_Vector designed a monument to an iconic group of entertainers
crispy pizza showed us why color TV is an important invention
Don_cos proved that some people learn important lessons much later than other people do
Stantz knew that even fungi don't want unsightly blemishes
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us what a clockeyed cat looks like
RedZoneTuba put a pack of rats in a precarious position
fark_booger enjoyed a sauce new wave band
RedZoneTuba took Trump administration women on a wild ride
Circusdog320 put the "fun" in "fungus"


Farktography:
CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 716: "Blue 4" with a photo with a bunch of nice-looking jugs

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Friday, February 8: Eugene, OR Fark Party
Wednesday, February 27: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party
Friday, March 15: Fort Collins, CO Fark Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

We had a fun time on the quiz, and learned that government shutdown or no government shutdown, Florida Man never takes the week off. Although we did have an 11/11, time came into play once again and so I'll get the 1000 club all to myself. Pity, too, as we ordered a pony keg of Wootstout for the Superb Owl.

In first place this week was bingethinker with 984, followed by Glockenspiel Hero in second with 931 and FormlessOne in third with 924. devwood takes fourth with 915, and WickerNipplefinishes out the top five with 875.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over more useless crap you can buy from the Internet in an Ambien fog. Only 31% of quiztakers knew that for the low, low price of $1,963,655.99, you could get the most expensive item on Amazon, a package of 9,000 pieces of NFL memorabilia. No word on free shipping with Prime, but I would expect them to throw in the delivery truck as well for that price.  

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over the highest-grossing video game of 2018 - and also the highest grossing single year for a game ever. 89% of quiztakers knew that although Grand Theft Auto V was the highest grossing game in total of all time, and League of Legends was the most popular by number of players, it was Fortnite that had been the most successful in monetizing the "free-to-play" business model, with over $2.8 billion in revenue last year. Still no word on how much I would have to pay in order to ban teenagers yelling racist and homophobic crap at me while I pwn them like the n00bs they are - because I have no doubts I could have a gofundme set up and goal reached in less than hour no matter what price they wanted.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about which Amazon device was now banned in Germany. Only 40% of quiz takers knew that it was the Amazon Dash, the little push button refill thingy you keep next to your laundry detergent or toilet paper that was now verboten. A German court ruled that since the button did not indicate the price the consumer would be paying for the product, it violated consumer protection laws. I'm really surprised no one has brought a consumer protection case about toddlers ordering it to play Baby Shark at odd times. Is it so hard for them to program "Alexa, don't EVER play baby shark again. EVER!" for parents everywhere?

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was about which men's personal care brand had released a new commercial decrying toxic masculinity. 88% of quiztakers knew that it was Gillette who had altered their slogan to "The Best A Man Can Be" in a bit of a cultural shift from men's care products promoting hyper-masculinity. Most people are reacting rather positively to the commercial, and the ones who aren't probably liked the Kendall Jenner Pepsi commercial. 

If you missed the quiz last week, you can catch up on it here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________  

Fark has a new tag: Vintage! 

We often get submissions that aren't exactly news - there is quite a bit of content out there that isn't tied to any particular news or event. A lot of other places love this kind of thing because they can run it whenever they want. We wanted a way to run some of it too - a lot of this content is fun and interesting, just not topical. Our goal with the tag is to have fun with it while letting you know it's not exactly current.

We threw around a lot of ideas and "vintage" seemed a good fit - then the tag creation with the black background and green pixelated font made it perfect.

We've seen submitters experiment with a few other uses since we set it live this past weekend, especially political. We're happy seeing it get used and we're looking forward to more. 

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
EvilEgg has the best blood type
secondpsych summed up what happened when a drunk couple fell to their deaths while taking a selfie
Eddie Adams from Torrance had a hacked password
fat boy suggested Prince Phillip's title be changed after he crashed his car
gopher321 asked a question about Sansa Stark's hair
hubiestubert shared the diary of someone who is stuck on a roller coaster ride that takes 12 years to complete
TomTudbury used the easiest method for testing blood type
Pocket Ninja had a fun game for everyone to play
GRCooper showed one person's reaction to Chris Pratt's engagement to Katherine Schwarzenegger
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That, unfortunately, had a GIF for Louis C.K.'s bad behavior

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
UberDave gave advice on what to do if your boss stinks

Smart:
HighlanderRPI thought that a pair of scientists weren't appropriately identified
Hypnotic Harlequin stood up for "Friends"
the_innkeeper used a lot of acronyms
HMS_Blinkin had advice for high school kids who designed something to help the U.S.military save money
Theaetetus thought that someone was confused about what "terrorist" means
SuburbanCowboy really taught that Apple store guy a lesson
DarkSoulNoHope argued against leaving bigots alone
optional agreed that we can give some bigots a break
Killer Cars believed that sometimes the person complaining in the actual problem
hubiestubert explained what people like Louis C.K. should already know, but apparently need explained to them

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: merrillvillain could buff this right out
Funny: The_Sponge told us about some quality bar graffiti
Smart: FriarReb98 was apparently stalking some chick
Smart: OneFretAway knew what to do when a recruiter sends you a schedule with all the applicants' information on it
Funny: GoSurfing advised a Farker who was mistakenly being included in strangers' group texts
Funny: flucto recalled an event that a great many Farkers remember well
Funny: OneFretAway read between the lines

Politics Funny:
impaler enjoyed a White House feast
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That filled in for the White House chefs
BizarreMan found it extremely difficult to explain a politician's behavior
MattytheMouse did business with Donald Trump
Hypnotic Harlequin fulfilled a Farker's particular fetish

Politics Smart:
Miss5280 proposed an agreement between Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell
SurfaceTension read ill intent in a letter from Donald Trump
Thundrull discussed what Maxine Waters could do to Trump
PirateKing figured that Mitch McConnell is feeling envious
Chariset misspelled "hamberders"

CSB Sunday Morning:  The geekiest thing you ever said or did
Smart:  Rigodamndiculous scared off an alpha male
Funny:  Hyjamon made a calculated move

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
damat01 discovered the W-spot
Low Budget Mofo took this dog for a silly walk
RedZoneTuba found an enthusiastic dance partner
Circusdog320 showed a doctor patting his patient's leg to reassure him that he'd be okay
Don_cos improved a famous work of art
sl4psh0t ran into two celebrities in a restaurant
RedZoneTuba found a former president at his favorite golf course
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed someone making the same door mistake that the above president did
hail2daking reminded us what can happen if you're not careful when choosing a tattoo artist
mr_crash_davis revealed Volkswagen's new logo
Don_cos invited us to behold the true power of Fark

Farktography:
BecauseISaidSo won Farktography Contest No. 715: "Straight Out Of Camera 2" with a rooty ficus  

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Friday, February 8: Eugene, OR Fark Party
Wednesday, February 27: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party
Friday, March 15: Fort Collins, CO Fark Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

We had yet another fun time on the Quiz this week, and we learned that not everyone likes their cornbread the same way. Although as Chris Rock so indelicately put it, "Ain't nothin' wrong with that."

Although we did have an 11/11, time was a factor and therefore the 1000 club remains empty this week. whither_apophis came out on top with 978, followed by Ivo Shandor in second with 925 and the password is password in third with 921. In fourth we have bratface with 909, barely edging out coldcuts who took fifth with 908.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was about the ongoing insurance battle over a statue used as the focal point for "The World's Greatest Treasure Hunt," a book containing puzzles and clues that point the way to a secret location with $1,000,000 prize. Only 33% of quiztakers knew that it was a golden, diamond-encrusted eagle that folks were looking for. The insurance company is appealing the court's decision ordering it to pay out the full amount of the policy after it was stolen during a brazen mugging, arguing that it wasn't escorted by two people and that it's worth nowhere near the $5 million it was insured for. Because how do you put a price on a piece of art most people have never even heard of?

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over the current top spot in the running battle over the World's Most Valuable Company. 82% of people knew that Amazon now holds the top spot after a brief reign by Microsoft. What Jeff Bezos' impending divorce might do to their stock price is currently a matter of speculation. 

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which '90s industrial rocker just had his 50th birthday blowout. Only 50% of quiztakers knew that it was Marilyn Manson who invited an odd mix of celebrities to join him in LA. Trent Reznor, who is 53 now, actually gave Marilyn Manson his start in the music business back in the '90s.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over what movie's YouTube "challenge" had actually prompted a message from Netflix to basically "stop being idiots." 92% of quiztakers knew of the "Bird Box challenge," which involved people doing things that normally required eyesight while blindfolded, Videos can be found of people attempting to drive, cross busy streets, and now tattoo someone. I don't know which of those is the dumbest, but I'm guessing it's the guy who agreed to get a tattoo from a blindfolded artist.

Congratulations once again to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week. If you missed the quiz last week, you can catch up on it here.

You ever need to know how to do something, so you watch a YouTube video to find out how, but the person in the video keeps talking and talking and you're like, "Get to how to do it already!" because you just want to know how and not have to hear a bunch of rambling before you finally find out how to do the thing so you can go do it already? This intro is a little like that, except you won't have learned a thing when you're done reading it.

XOXO,
DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Smashed Hat did not appreciate a change to a beloved science fiction series
Psychopusher wouldn't accept an excuse for a Proud Boy murdering his brother with a sword
bearded clamorer thought that an alleged arsonist looked familiar
pkjun thought there was a different reason that a deaf man was denied service by a Taco Bell employee
MattytheMouse wanted a famous psychic involved somehow
Ghastly knew why a man attacked his dad with pizza when he found out his dad assisted with his birth
Mike_LowELL wanted someone else's opinion about a mommy blogger
MythDragon discussed things that make it difficult to be a good driver
HighlanderRPI suggested a punishment for teens who got into a fight at McDonald's
Prank Call of Cthulhu thought up a plan for dealing with crises

Smart:
Esroc shared a story about helping a customer make a purchase
TWX had a tip for TV show writers
theropod expressed an opinion about a popular personality test
Catlenfell advised towns to be careful when making deals with corporations
wooden_badger made a comment that was really confusing for a second
I Like Bread had a theory about helicopter parents
doglover's login checked out
HedlessChickn figured that a town didn't learn their lesson (HedlessChickn's next comment got more "smart" votes than this one, but it's a followup and would've been confusing to put out of order)
joaquin closet could see a reason for a psychiatric facility to want to keep a patient in their care

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: meg12279 had some encouragement for someone who drinks too much
Smart: Brawndo explained how to properly dispose of an old toilet
Funny: Smock Pot shared an opinion about the person who gets all the advantages in the office because they're dating the boss
Funny: rcf1105 warned of the dangers of taking your child to an ax throwing establishment
Funny: rickythepenguin discussed the music scene in Prague
Funny: rcf1105 explained why you should sit at a table even when a booth is available

Politics Funny:
Shostie showed some of the vehicles that migrants are driving
snocone found someone to judge weather or not a freshman Rep. could bring beer onto the House floor
Marcus Aurelius defended Steve Scalise against attacks from Alexandria Ocasio Cortez
Markoff_Cheney had a takeaway from Donald Trump's description of migrant vehicles
impaler shared Snekretary's reason why the need for a border wall is a "crisis"

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
nmrsnr showed us some concerned parents

Politics Smart:
BizarreMan explained why the government shutdown isn't Democrats' fault
edmo had a plan to keep the Senate from adjourning when there's urgent work to be done
null argued that Trump winning the election was "the better option"
Carter Pewterschmidt discussed the goals of the people working on Trump's campaign
itsdan wanted to go ahead and veer left


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Don_cos found that the S.S. Minnow looks even worse than before
hail2daking proved that some people are always cool
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave Pee-wee some curves
Yammering_Splat_Vector designed some awesome shoes
Yammering_Splat_Vector made the rain fall
Yammering_Splat_Vector made Jimmy Fallon funny
Circusdog320 found a g-g-g-ghost ship!
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel ack ack ack ack ack ack
Yammering_Splat_Vector brought enough cigarettes for everyone
RedZoneTuba wiped the smile of this kitty's face

Farktography:
BecauseISaidSo won Farktography Contest No. 714: "Pylons and Poles" with rainbows hopping over power lines

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, February 27: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party
TBD - Fort Collins, CO Fark Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

It seems not many Farkers have the opportunity to talk to cows in their neck of the woods. But it is an interesting experience nonetheless and I'd encourage it if you get the chance. On the quiz itself, looks like a lot of folks were paying attention to Florida man's antics this week. budjones came out on top with 1035, and he'll be sharing the big screen in the 1000 club for the playoffs this week with jayfurr, who made second with 1018. SansNeural made third with 964, MontanaTristar made fourth with 957, barely edging out Artpence's 956 to round out the top 5.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over those wacky Brits and their "Blue Peacock" weapon in the Cold War. Only 37% caught the article on the odd weapon. The idea was a nuclear land mine to be buried in Easter Europe, where it could be detonated behind enemy lines if the Soviets advanced westward. The problem was that it got really cold - so cold that they couldn't get the detonator to work. So someone had the grand idea of putting some live chickens inside, as their body heat would keep the detonator warm enough to operate. Add in enough food for eight days or so for the chickens, and you could be sure it stayed warm enough to work. I wonder what would happen to the eggs, though.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about  where you could find the 105-story unfinished Ryugyong Hotel. 83% of quiztakers knew that it towered over the city of Pyongyang, North Korea, a testament to the opulence of the 80's as operated under a quasi-communist dictatorship. It now serves as a giant video screen for propaganda videos about the might of North Korea, and I can't help but wonder if anyone involved in this project sees the irony there.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about ducks, specifically the ridiculously rare pochard, which was thought to be extinct. Only 46% knew the species was reintroduced to its native Madagascar last week, in a remote lake with almost no predators around, where it will hopefully flourish. Maybe the movie shouldn't have focused so much on the penguins - but then again, they were considered extinct in 2005.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which state requires pet stores to sell rescue animals rather than breeder pets. 90% of quiztakers knew it was those hippy granola-eating soy-latte-drinking surfers in California that knew the best pets are always the mixed-breeds. Private sales from breeders are still allowed, but pet stores there will now have only rescue doggies, kitties, and bunnies. 

Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all over again this week. If you missed out on the quiz last week, you can catch up here.

I thought we were going to have holidays every Tuesday from now on. We did it two weeks ago, then again last week, and suddenly today everyone's acting like it's a regular day. Businesses are open as usual and most employed people are going to work... but at least it looks like a lot of federal employees are sticking with the plan and taking the day off. I just have to say, I'm pretty disappointed in the rest of you. 

XOXO,
DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
davidphogan bragged about having attained a high level of expertise at something
From Philly to Boston had an idea for catching the man who impregnated a woman who's in a vegetative state
MaudlinMutantMollusk asked a theological question
naughtyrev figured out what happened when Juneau stopped fluoridating their water
markie_farkie told a fish story
LewDux summed up a listicle of trends from 2018 that "need to die"
Creepy Lurker Guy imagined the conversation a man had with his mom when he asked her to make his BDSM party outfit
WelldeadLink described Jackie Chan's sex scene
doyner sang about China landing a rover on the far side of the moon
Thong_of_Zardoz had experience curing hangovers with Pedialyte

Smart:
Madman drummers bummers had an opinion on DNA tests to find out your ancestry
Eclectic discussed topics that Louis C.K. decided to joke about
Marcus Aurelius came up with a new slogan for AncestryDNA
Ambivalence asked a question about people in vegetative states, comas, or on life support
DrowningLessons expressed affection
pkjun made a prediction about Louis C.K's future
Aezetyr discussed some insults that some people like to use
Wendigogo wondered why a prisoner's release wasn't at all dependent on rehabilitation
Snatch Bandergrip spoke as someone who was a Louis C.K. fan
Eclectic discussed Louis C.K.'s latest attempt at comedy

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Chris Ween considered what it would be like to be the opposite sex
Funny: EatenTheSun was multitasking in the nude
Smart: Eclectic has seen the other side of New Year's Eve
Funny: TomFooolery clarified a laundry concern
Funny: ThomasPaineTrain needed help identifying a strange object

Politics Funny:
optikeye wasn't satisfied by a politician's claims about time spent in Kenya
Nurglitch remembered a much more impressive performance than the one by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
GardenWeasel noticed that similar names don't necessarily mean similar personalities
tmyk reacted to the shocking video of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dancing being shared on Twitter
WickerNipple calmed down and enjoyed the ride

Politics Smart:
Rann Xerox made a ruling on who owns the government shutdown
stan unusual discussed the bill to fund the government that was passed by the House
HighOnCraic replied to President Trump's comparison of the country's security to the supposed fence at the Obamas' house
eurotrader had negative things to say about U.S. drug traders
NateAsbestos clarified which former presidents advised Trump to build a border wall

CSB Sunday Morning:  Resolutions
Smart & Funny: Madison_Smiled learned a very painful lesson one New Year's Eve

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba appreciated weather that was more "Billy Idol" than "Alanis Morissette"
RedZoneTuba showed that Muhammad Ali likes to be the only one to float like a butterfly
Alligator gave us a real slider
RedZoneTuba found Captain Kirk in serious trouble
zeon illustrated how a long overpass looks to acrophobics
Herb Utsmelz gave Beavis and Butthead a happy ending
Alligator strategically placed a couple of balloons
Yammering_Splat_Vector did a dirty ballet
hail2daking found the Twister world champion
Snubnose made it difficult to check the mail

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 713: "Booze 3" ended in a tie between Enigmamf's photo of the best beer ever and Queen Mab's photo of alcohol abuse

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, February 27: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

We had yet another fun time with the quiz this week, although many people were still finishing up holiday stuff and playing with their new toys Santa Claus brought them. No one made the 1000 club, though, so I'll take advantage and watch the playoffs on the big screen there all by my lonesome. 

catmander came out on top with 972, followed by FormerJanitor in second with 910 and catusr in third with 876. Edgewood Dirk made fourth with 840, and DemonicGerbil finishes out the top five with a respectable 835. Let's see if it's a bit easier this week.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over where the Opal Tower was located. The 38-story tower began suffering significant stresses and cracks in the foundation, walls, and windows soon after it was opened, and officials have evacuated some 3000 people from the surrounding buildings, all of whom had to make other plans for Christmas with no idea if they'll ever be able to return home. Only 21% of quiztakers knew that buildings are among the Things Trying To Kill You in Australia. Perhaps they should have oriented the building right-side up like we do on this side of the world where we walk on our feet instead of our heads.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about the oldest continuously-operating chain restaurant in the United States. 79% of quiztakers knew that after it's founding in 1919, A&W outlasted the others and more than 1100 are now in operation all over the world. (Whataburger and their Texas-sized burgers was founded in 1950, Biscuitville in 1975.) I'm old enough to have eaten at one of the "classic" A&W locations in the 1980's, which consisted of a small shack in the middle of a gravel parking lot, where you parked haphazardly and walked up to the window to place your order. Since then, they've modernized and some even have a Sonic-style setup complete with carhops. Fun fact: A&W root beer was not available in bottles at retail until 1971, so the restaurants were the only place you could get it - and those awesome root beer floats.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about the title of the upcoming Mr. Rogers biopic starring America's favorite Nice Guy, Tom Hanks. Only 35% of quiztakers knew that the producers has selected "It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood" as the title. I'm on the side of the 65% who think they should have consulted your quizmaster, because I, too, thought "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" was a better choice. Growing up, I always wondered why he put on a cardigan when he came home, even in the summer. Was it really that cold where he lived? Did he know Santa Claus?

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over what price was rising to $0.55 on January 27. 91% of quiztakers would be stocking up on Forever stamps if anyone still used the USPS for anything other than sale papers and crap from ebay, since it is the cost of a first-class postage stamp that is rising. I did check, and McDonald's is not in the habit of announcing publicly any price increases, especially of add-ons like cheese, since those prices are set locally by the franchisee. 

Congratulations to the winners, and if you missed last week's quiz, you can check it out here, We'll be doing the same thing again later today, and I'll have a link in thread when it goes up, as well as Fark's Twitter feed (and my own).