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Fark NotNewsletter: You can be the one to give Drew his birthday spanking 🍑✋
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2020-02-04 10:54:58 AM, edited 2020-02-04 1:42:51 PM (70 comments) | Permalink

I didn't ask Drew if it would be okay to use that as the headline, so please don't tell him about it.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hope everyone survived Super Bowl weekend.  I didn't see any articles about making Super Bowl Monday a national holiday this year, but I was certainly feeling it Monday morning.  

We've got a couple of things on deck this week - first off, I'm hosting a huge Fark party in Lexington this Friday, February 7th starting at 7 p.m.  For my birthday, my local bar the Chase Brewing Company is going to have six varieties of w00tstout available with all profits going to the Roswell Foundation for cancer research.  Profits, because Kentucky law says you can't give beer away (boo). Also in attendance will be Greg Koch, founder of Stone Brewing and fellow w00tstout collaborator.  

Speaking of my birthday, if you're looking to get me something, either feel free to kick in a donation to my Empire State Ride across NYC fundraiser and/or sign up for TotalFark!  Sometime this week or next, we're going to be having a conversation on TotalFark forums about a new ad unit, and I'm looking forward to your feedback on it.  It may end up being next week because I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a two-day hangover after this Friday. But we'll see!

In this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, we have on-the-ground updates from inside China on the Corona beer virus, how the Chiefs destroyed Kansas City's mafia 50 years ago, and I recount the horrors experienced while surviving Dry January,
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
flucto discovered that a simple adjustment to a car's timing belt can save money on gas
Circusdog320 showed how dangerous a large boulder the size of a small boulder can be
styckx made plans to try out some life hacks from the internet
Mike_LowELL thanked Kobe Bryant for his legacy
Jack Sabbath wanted to know if the day after is too soon
TheChaosPath did the ol' Fark "R.I.P." meme
beezeltown came down hard on a fertility doctor who used his own swimmers to impregnate patients
groppet will always come through for fellow Farkers
Circusdog320 did not believe what a sheriff's office had to say about a road hazard
markie_farkie shared one simple trick to increasing your car's gas mileage

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
akya wasn't about to pay twice as much for movies just because they're longer

Smart:
Chevello was reminded of an old trick that trolls pull on internet newbies
davidphogan explained that when firefighters break windows of cars blocking hydrants to run the hose through them, it's not just to teach the driver a lesson
A phrase in an article caused Shostie to fall into a black hole of confusion
Morchella was impressed with a spider's behavior
Charlie Freak discussed helicopter safety features and recommendations
silvervial was reconsidering opinions about some creatures
washburn777 pointed out that an undercover cop encouraged a man to break the law
tuxq pointed out that being broke now doesn't necessarily mean you've always been broke
I hereby demand that I be given a Fark account checked the numbers on the flu and the new coronavirus from China
hubiestubert's teacher was nearly chosen instead of Christa McAuliffe to fly on the Challenger

CSB Sunday Morning: What's the nicest thing you've ever seen someone do?
Smart:
Gulper Eel discovered that a sweet gesture can come back to you just when you need it
Note: Be sure to read through the smart comments. There are some very touching stories in there. 
Funny: The Pope of Manwich Village shared a story about Cowboys and Vikings, but unfortunately it's about football and not actual cowboys and Vikings

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: sarahthustra had the perfect answer to the question, "What are five words that describe you?"
Funny: meg12279 showed that, at least in one case, merrillvillain was wrong about what other Farkers choose to put in their notes
Smart: olapbill advised anyone who ends up on a plane where the passenger seats face each other
Funny: WickerNipple showed that Unikitty was right
Funny: Beeblebrox learned a new word
Funny: oldfarthenry found the charging cables a submitter was looking for
Funny: craigzy had an idea for what Fark should do for April Fools' Day

Bonus FarkStaff Pick, nominated by Murflette:
Honest Geologist let us know all about the big Meat Bundle Mountain

Politics Funny:
Circusdog320 shared proof that John Bolton never heard Donald Trump say anything incriminating
scottydoesntknow reminded us that Trump wasn't the only president to have a Turkey scandal
Farking Clown Shoes tried to boost another Farker's self esteem
MrBallou had a farewell message for Farkers
ralphjr shared some fair and balanced reporting on John Bolton's claims about Trump

Politics Smart:
markie_farkie predicted what will happen after the impeachment trial is over
Chariset pointed out that while Trump was paranoid about Barack Obama, he wasn't paying attention to those close to him
GardenWeasel drew conclusions from voters Biscuit Tin mentioned who are fine with Trump being a Russian agent
OdradekRex knew why President Trump called the press in during his meeting with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu
jake_lex speculated on why Republicans are having difficulty finding candidates to run for some House seats

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
Carn gave an example of a false equivalency


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
DarkJohnson wrote an intro to sex education book
Yammering_Splat_Vector wouldn't settle for your typical mirror selfie
Yammering_Splat_Vector came up with a shortcut to keeping your fish fresh
vygramul discovered that this Toblerone bar has nuts
DarkJohnson captured a photo of the president in his motorcade
DarkJohnson found a Wookiee driving a strange new hybrid
RedZoneTuba brought a treat for all the amphibian lovers
DarkJohnson designed an awkward clock (clockward?)
RedZoneTuba showed us a book that maybe isn't supposed to be for children
Kick The Chair fixed a photo that clearly had been altered to maintain a conspiracy

Farktography:
MorningBreath won Farktography Contest No. 769: "That's Sharp" with a stunning sunbather

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Friday, February 7: Mega W00tstout tapping/Drew's birthday/fundraiser to fight cancer in Lexington, KY

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, please use the Fark Party submission form.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another great time on the Quiz last week, but it's starting to look like we need a 900 club instead of a 1000. ZAZ took top honors with 941, followed by kittyhas1000legs in second with 902 and The_Philosopher_King in third with 900. Megateuthis took fourth with 883, and scrumpox fills out the five spot with 881.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was about the location of the Cold War-era ghost town of 404. Fittingly, it was Not Found by 82% of quiztakers, as only 18% caught the article describing the old reactor site located in the Gobi Desert of Western China. The town's failure was a result of ideological differences between the government of Chairman Mao and the Soviets, who had agreed to help with the reactor there to create a separate nuclear deterrent against what they saw as U.S. domination. 

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over an odd forecast by the National Weather Service in Miami, FL. 94% of quiztakers caught the unusual tweet warning of falling iguanas. They said Floridians should "watch for them." Does this mean like meteor showers, where folks set up the lawn chairs and drink beer in the dark and go "ooooh, a big one!," or does that mean people should wear protective headgear while walking under trees? They didn't specify.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over what kind of commemorative MetroCard you could get if you want to take the MTA in New York. Only 38% of quiztakers knew that it's Patrick Stewart's piercing stare from "Star Trek: Picard" on the latest design. So yes, it seems that after the David Bowie card was successful, they've gone back to another Brit. Not enough love for the Americans like the Wu-Tang clan, who got their own very successful card last year.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which Kraft Heinz spokes-thing met his doom prior to the Superb Owl. 97% of quiztakers knew it was Planter's Mr. Peanut, with most people who saw the ad wondering who he was or why we should care. Kool-Aid Man did show up at his funeral on Sunday, though. Honestly, I think their ad company has no idea what they're doing and just said "Hmmm... Baby Groot... Baby Yoda...."

Congratulations to the winners, and be sure to check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Evil HOAs, Choose Your Own Apocalypse, and taste buds in your pants
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2020-01-28 1:46:38 PM (29 comments) | Permalink

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

In this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast: Ever been in a mid-century-built home with a random toilet in the basement? Here's why. Also, how to deal with a good phubbing, and Drew accurately predicts why the death of Mr. Peanut will be a bad idea.
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
sirrerun summed up a coffee commercial that features a message of tolerance
Farking Clown Shoes woke up in the wrong house
jtown has learned that it's best to to work with what you're given
WoolyManwich submitted a nomination for the scariest villain in a children's movie
The Pope of Manwich Village gave advice on avoiding the Wuhan coronavirus
JinxofSpades was feeling nostalgic
BafflerMeal advised someone who was hoping for an extra $30,000
magneticmushroom cast blame for Terry Jones' death
hubiestubert looked on the bright side when a bank called police on a black man when he tried to deposit a settlement check from a racial discrimination lawsuit
Zero Point Scalar Field found the perfect guy to testes the theory that one can taste soy sauce by dipping "the boys" in it

Smart:
Murflette was rooting for a green White Day on Martin Luther King Jr. Day
cherryl taggart had a pretty specific guess for who was caught on video from HOA cameras burglarizing a house
BafflerMeal advised someone who was hoping for an extra $30,000
spongeboob noted how quickly police were able to arrive at the scene of a crime
Creepy Lurker Guy thought that a pilot accused of writing racist graffiti on a bathroom wall made a good decision (with something else, not the racist graffiti)
arrogantbastich refused to go along with the submitter's plan for surviving the Wuhan coronavirus
dittybopper had a message for women who can't keep their babies and need options
hubiestubert discussed Brad Pitt's acting skills
Adolf Oliver Nipples analyzed Tom Brady's relationship with the Raiders
40 degree day revealed the truth behind loaded trucks bearing signs that say "not responsible for broken windshields"

CSB Sunday Morning: When did you first realize you were truly an adult?
Smart:
Gemcee shared a story about the moment you realize your kids won't always need you to put out their fires for them
Funny: Ernest T Bass was apparently a little late to feeling like an adult

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: LineNoise was having a family disagreement about donating to campaigns
Funny: Streetwise Hercules doesn't let technicalities interfere with family tradition
Funny: Old Man Winter figured out how varieties of Pooh apply to Fark
Smart: buttercat showed off a new butter___
Funny: Barry McCockner has a preference for a type of virus

Politics Funny:
markie_farkie wanted to play with the United States Space Force logo
Garza and the Supermutants was unsure about an article comparing Bernie Sanders supporters to Donald Trump supporters
Farking Clown Shoes thought it was possible that Trump did tweet an anniversary message to his wife
UltimaCS thought that Alexandra Pelosi, the documentary director daughter of Nancy Pelosi, missed an opportunity
phalamir cleared up some terms for types of creeps

Politics Smart:
NateAsbestos explained why it's a bad idea to cancel student loan debt
Speaker2Animals thought it was suspicious that Alan Dershowitz didn't follow through on a threat
raerae1980 brought up another way in which Joe Biden has helped make things harder for Americans who are struggling financially
scottydoesntknow asked a question about Republican senators leaving during the impeachment trial
AliceBToklasLives listed a couple of things that a rainbow can represent


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking finally showed us which king we should be hailing to
Herb Utsmelz revealed what's going on in President Trump's head
RedZoneTuba found a heck of a bargain
Circusdog320 proved it actually wasn't a streetlight
hail2daking discovered that a certain nanny's "magical" powers were actually alien abilities
RedZoneTuba added an interesting new show to the Fox News morning lineup
Yammering_Splat_Vector found a brave volunteer to intercept a flying saucer
RedZoneTuba showed world leaders enjoying a little recreation together
X-Geek found out it's 8 o'u'clock
Kick The Chair wanted to reboot yet another '90s sitcom, but this time with a big twist

Captions:
PhotoshopCrazy knew that these frogs were putting on a dramatic performance
Snubnose could tell that there was an amphibious emergency

Farktography:
median eminence won Farktography Contest No. 768: "Farkitecture 3" with a beautiful big blue bridge

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz last week, although it seems many folks couldn't quite get moving after the three-day weekend. The 1000 club remains empty again, which is fine as the shag carpeting on the walls is currently being shampooed. Scorewise, beatnikmao came out on top with  920, followed by Bear151556 in second with 918 and Autoerotic Defenestration in third with 901. kimwim made fourth with a respectable 886, and Earl Green sneaks into the top five with 885.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over who you'll get fed by at Avenue 27 in North Phoenix, AZ. Only 21% of quiztakers knew that the restaurant is located in Barry Goldwater High School, and is part of the CTE culinary arts program there which teaches kids all aspects of running a restaurant. We've come a long way from my generation, where high school kids worked at McDonald's.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz last week was over the World Heritage Site at Machu Picchu. 95% of quiztakers knew that you could find the site high in the Andes Mountains of Peru, where the Incas built it as an estate for one of their emperors, then abandoned the site after Spanish conquest and never bothered telling any of the Western invaders about it. I mean, can you blame them?

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which casual dining chain was getting Nestlé's plant-based Awesome Burger. Only 32% of quiztakers knew that Ruby Tuesday was hopping onto the trend, hoping maybe someone, anyone, might remember that they're still around and pop in for some vegetarian chow. Good luck with that. If I'm paying 9 bucks for a burger it had better have some meat on it.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which planet the Cassini spacecraft had sent back its final images from. 85% of quiztakers knew that the most gorgeous images ever seen of Saturn, as well as her rings and moons, were finishing up in post-processing. RIP little guy, and good work.

One final note:62% of quiztakers knew their Shakespeare, as they got the Final Jeopardy question from the GOAT Tournament correct. Iago has by far the most speeches of any non-title character in Shakespearean tragedy. I never liked the guy anyway, and his motives still sucked no matter how much time Shakespeare gave him to explain them.

Congratulations to the winners, and be sure to check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz!
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: We're nutty for squirrels
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2020-01-22 12:24:31 PM, edited 2020-01-22 12:32:37 PM (28 comments) | Permalink

In case you missed it, yesterday was Squirrel Appreciation Day. It's nice that squirrels get their day, but here at Fark, we've been appreciating squirrels every day since 1997. So whenever you see any squirrels, be sure to tell them that Fark says hi.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

In this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, Rule 34 rears its ugly head in a lawsuit, so to speak. Also, we try to avoid politics on the podcast because these days politics is Super Serious but The Smoking Gun has discovered Bernie Sanders hates low flush toilets almost as much as Trump does.  Plus how all this connects to Van Halen.
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
croesius was intrigued by Tom Ford's "boob plate" designs
betty swollocks thought that a strange dance looked familiar
ralphjr made a parody Family Circus comic
bigfatfattyfatfat gave physical fitness advice
LordOfThePings had a quick retort for those who say marijuana makes you fat and stupid
Autoerotic Defenestration figured out who Giant Clown Shoe is based on comments about first cousins who married each other and had a baby
Benevolent Misanthrope imagined being at a party with a guy who tried to force a Target employee to sell him an expensive electric toothbrush for one cent
Brosephus tried to figure out why reporters cover Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton so differently
thatguyoverthere70 explained what could've happened when a guy dropped a baggie of coke at a 2-year-old's birthday party
Nuclear Monk found the kind of guy who'd be interested in an erectile dysfunction pill meant for bulls

Smart:
Theaetetus shared an instance of Florida thinking ahead when it comes to protecting children
fusillade762 pointed out just how poorly the British press treats Meghan, Duchess of Sussex
Monkey had two thoughts about finding $43,000 in a secondhand couch
Mikey1969 had a pretty good doughnut rant
Raoul Eaton reminded us what kids think when they see anti-drug campaigns
common sense is an oxymoron pointed out that some "offensive" advertisements worked exactly as intended
Dingleberry Dickwad told us everything we need to know about alpha males
Koldbern wanted clarification on a rule for U.S. Bank employees
mrmopar5287 shared a story from a friend who works at a Walmart where employees spent part of a large donation meant to pay off layaway balances on themselves
RaceBoatDriver had an important message for when someone brings doughnuts to the office

CSB Sunday Morning: Moving forward - stories about learning to operate a mode of transportation
Smart:
kokomo61 shared a sweet story about a son who really wanted to ride a bike, but doctors said he'd never be able to
Funny: brigid_fitch witnessed an iconic moment between a parent, a child, and a big dog

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: merrillvillain had good advice for anyone who's in a bad relationship
Smart: Al_Ed shared a helpful tip for a Farker who just got eyeglasses
Funny: Mr.Tangent answered a question about putting a urinal in your home bathroom
Funny: IvyLady shared a list of errands that needed to be done
Funny: Al_Ed identified with reagabeast's farming mishap

Politics Funny:
WhackingDay explained why a photo appears to show a helicopter landing on the White House
NeoCortex42 figured out how the U.S. can afford to build a sea wall that Donald Trump says is too costly
Circusdog320 suggested a better design for the new Space Force uniforms
Officer Barrelroll gave the real reason the Russian government resigned
thealgorerhythm revealed what Gen. Qassem Soleimani had planned to do

Politics Smart:
The Goddamn Batman pointed out that President Trump was speaking from personal experience
Xai saw a symptom of bad changes in the world
Pocket Ninja wanted proof before accepting a reason for altering photos
wademh wanted Hunter Biden to testify at the impeachment trial
AdmirableSnackbar replied to a question about some of CNN's questionable decisions lately (though it turns out that didn't end up happening)


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Stantz gave this rodent a celebrity makeover
RedZoneTuba displayed a treasured family heirloom
Yammering_Splat_Vector revealed the surprising place that owls come from
hail2daking found a new home for this pet
verchad showed Ralph and Sam hard at work
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave this little fella a redundant chapeau
hail2daking shared evidence that dogs can have very complicated relationships
clovercat hired a colorful color commentator
hail2daking discovered that Amtrak has greatly extended their service area
Herb Utsmelz saw possible trouble at the end of the tunnel

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 767: "Curves 3" ended in a tie between Elsinore's lustrous series of tubes and Circusdog320's curvy smokeshow

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Beyond Fark

We're sad to have lost Farker forty-two. If you're a TotalFarker, you might have seen threads submitted by her husband, Farker BKITU, with updates about her health status.  You can read forty-two's memorial thread here, which links to her farewell blog post, along with information about how you can help her husband and young son. Our hearts go out to her loved ones. 


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the quiz last week, with stupid tech that showed people worldwide can be just as weird as the Japanese when they put their minds to it. Unfortunately, the 1000 club remains empty. Denjiro came out on top with 949, followed by edmo in second with 927 and runwiz in third with 912. Tr0mBoNe took fourth with 911, and bingethinker made the top five with 908.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over the best selling vehicle in the US that was not made to carry around 4x8 sheets of plywood for people who never carry around 4x8 sheets of plywood - aka the best selling non-pickup. I had to double check the figures to be sure, but it seems we've went completely all-in on the SUV crossover craze, as the Toyota RAV 4 is the number 4 best-selling conveyance, behind the Ford F-Series, the Dodge Ram, and the Chevy Silverado. Only 26% of quiztakers caught the article, or possibly don't own pickups themselves.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about Tempe, Arizona's "Penis Man" and what sort of crimes he had been up to. 83% off quiztakers knew that his stream of graffiti across the city had prompted several news stories, causing hilarious switches between blurred and not blurred shots of his artwork within the same segments, and likely doing nothing more than bringing attention to the Krylon virtuoso and doubtlessly encouraging copycats as well. I can only imagine the police grillings of suspects. "Are you Penis Man? Do you know Penis Man? Do you know men with penises?"

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over Samsung's Project Neon. Only 54% of quiztakers knew that it was a holographic AI in a tank that you could talk to and interact with, and is even more creepy than it sounds. I mean, If you thought Bixby was annoying on your Galaxy S9, wait until your friends see you lugging a seven-foot-tall fish tank around so you can make dinner reservations and get the latest scores from something that sounds more artificial than Siri and with even worse fashion sense. I'm sure you'll be invited to *all* the best parties.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over this year's Best Picture-Drama at the Golden Globes. 85% of quiztakers must have read that it was 1917, because approximately 0% of the country actually watched it and most folks just caught the clips of Ricky Gervais being Ricky Gervais the next day so they could understand what everyone else who only watched clips of Ricky Gervais was talking and tweeting about.

Congratulations to the winners, and be sure to check out this week's Quiz!
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: 2020's full
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2020-01-14 11:56:15 AM, edited 2020-01-14 12:04:03 PM (27 comments) | Permalink

Two weeks in, and it's already been an eventful year. One of the Fark moderators went on a European vacation for more than a week, and when he returned the other day, he asked me if anything happened in the news while he was gone. All I could say was, "Nope, you didn't miss a thing." 

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hope everyone had a great weekend!  Wanted to draw your attention to an interesting statistic that rolled through the Fark article queue this morning - the New York Times released its quarterly earnings, and its subscription revenues hit $800 million a year ahead of schedule.  What's interesting, aside from the speed, is that the NYTimes' digital ad revenue is half that number.   

Recent listeners of the Fark and Schnitt podcast who downloaded the History of Fark episodes heard that we have been working with an advanced analytics startup to review Fark's advertising ecosystem.  One of the interesting things we discovered is that Fark's most engaged users, who on average generate 80 pageviews per day, are worth a whopping 25 cents per month in ad revenue. Here's the kicker - it turns out this number is high for the overall digital media industry.  But it's still just one quarter of a dollar.  

The digital advertising model is deeply broken.  If you'd told me 20 years ago that once Fark's audience got up to one million readers we'd just be scraping by, I wouldn't have believed it.  But here we are.  

That's why you should sign up for TotalFark and/or BareFark - the NYTimes has figured out what we already knew when we launched TotalFark back in 2002: Subscription revenue is the model the web needs.  And Fark needs you as a subscriber. If you've been sitting on the fence about signing up, make a stand - pull the trigger already. Plus my birthday is coming up February 7th - if you're looking to get me something, that's just the thing.

Speaking of my birthday, there will be a more formal announcement soon but if you happen to be in, near, or within driving distance of Lexington Kentucky, I'm hosting a W00tstout Extravaganza Feb 7th.  Every year since Stone Farking Wheaton W00tstout started back in 2013, I've had two kegs of that year's release sent to Kentucky, one to me and one for my friend Chris who owns the Chase Brewing Company. I drank one of the 1.0 kegs back in 2013, but the rest are in cold storage.  It also turns out that I'm signing up for the Empire State Ride this summer to raise money to fight cancer, and to help me with fundraising, my friend Chris has offered to let me do a tap takeover at the Chase Brewing Company that night with Every Version of W00tstout Ever Released*, with all proceeds from my kegs going towards the Empire State Ride and the Roswell Park Cancer Center.

Speaking of the Fark and Schnitt podcast, we spent the first half of this week's show breaking down three different articles from last week masquerading as PR (Cheetos, an American Airline lawsuit, and an Amazon lawsuit) and why each does or doesn't work. Plus, possibly the worst pizza ingredient ever, and Drew recounts the history of Fark's involvement with the World's Largest Cheeto from the early '00s. And that's just the first 10 minutes.  

*excluding 7.0 unless they can ship one to me in time, and the Berlin release because it would have to come from Europe

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
SirEattonHogg thought that a lawyer's description of a client went well with the included photo
Pocket Ninja shared a frightening story about why it's important to write the year as "2020" on checks
NewportBarGuy figured out what sources meant by "no sign of major damage" after a plane crash landed
Marcos P had a theory on which unremarkable feature is causing men to ghost a gorgeous woman
Tom Marvolo Bombadil would like to know more
capt.snicklefritz was upset to see a double standard at the gym
Richard Saunders defended a "very, very attractive woman" who wrote to Slate for advice
mcsiegs shared another headline that was submitted about Neil Peart's death
Mugato had a question about Kate McKinnon
iheartscotch told a story about an overly aggressive woman at a bar
johnny_vegas explained why an enthusiastic Farker's wish to hook up with an adventurous judge isn't going to happen
MBooda is definitely not going to The Good Place after telling this proposal story

Smart:
Occam's Disposable Razor discussed men who disappear once they've gotten laid
Ker_Thwap beat a story about a family finding an open bible in the ruins of their burned-down home
Norfolking Chance suggested British tabloids look to history to see what could have influenced Prince Harry and Meghan to leave
Xai pointed out one reason to consider allowing people to own an objectionable item
Gubbo understood why people were upset that guests at a Jamaican resort were publicly using drugs on the tables
07X18 told us about losing a lot of weight on the keto diet
ThurmanMerman explained different kinds of compliments
OldRod brought up an impressive fact about Rush
Non Sequitur Man posted a tribute from one of Neil Peart's "people"
Rapmaster2000 argued that people who want to be parents shouldn't worry about their friends not liking kids

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
kendelrio's bad day turned right around while reading Fark

CSB Sunday Morning: Stupid Human Tricks
Smart:
Unikitty learned as a 6-year-old that sometimes a parent's reaction can be much scarier than anger. There's also a horrible unrelated story from later that year
Funny: chewd flipped out in front of a client
Funny honorable mention, so something good can come from this incident: swaniefrmreddeer really wanted to win a game of chicken

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: rcf1105 had an interesting experience participating in a Secret Santa gift exchange on another website
Smart: CommieTaoist pointed out something to remember about rumors of our demise
Smart: Angry Drunk Bureaucrat defended the TotalFark Discussion cafe threads
Funny: meg12279 explained the purpose of Reddit
Funny: JerseyTim celebrated a TotalFark Discussion thread's tumescence
Smart: wearsmanyhats thought that $1,950 sounds terribly expensive for a water heater
Funny: dark side of the moon revealed the secret to choosing what color lipstick to wear
Smart: brownlady79 was proof that the haters don't know what they're talking about

Politics Funny:
naughtyrev finally had a chance to get something out in the open
dr_blasto recognized Speaker Nancy Pelosi's sharp wit from Fark
Giant Clown Shoe gave more information about the rumored $80 million on President Donald Trump's head
FortyHams explained why an Iranian man near Mar-a-Lago was carrying "a machete, a pick axe, two knives, and $22,000"
EvilEgg considered the implications of Hunter Biden having fathered a child with a former stripper

Politics Smart:
bloobeary was amazed by what the U.S. has accomplished in Iraq
scottydoesntknow knew what it meant when Republican Senator Mike Lee supported limiting Trump's war powers against Iran
wademh was baffled by Trump's recent actions regarding Iran
vudukungfu wrote a really weird poem
Gubbo pointed out that once again, Trump set a trap for his own people


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking decided that it's not enough to just write a phone number on the bathroom wall
RedZoneTuba showed that echinoderms can be attractive clothing
RedZoneTuba proved that Sean Connery's still got it
hail2daking found Russell Crowe trying to start a fight with a musician
Kick The Chair discovered that it's not just calculators that can do this trick
RedZoneTuba detected a low I.Q. individual
Terrapin Bound gave us a peek at the very important message on Sean Connery's shirt
hail2daking ran into a couple of celebrities at the aquarium
Circusdog320 helped this rock formation live up to its name
RedZoneTuba was amused by a queen's name

Farktography:
USAF Retired won Farktography Contest No. 766: "Teh Funnay 5" with a furry Christmas tree topper

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another great quiz last week, and we're pulling the cover off the pool table and warming up the hot tub in the 1000 club for the first time in a while. Bear151556 takes top honors with 1031, followed by technomuse in second with 1010 and Irishyankee954 in third with 978. Tr0mBoNe makes fourth with 971, and Twilight Farkle is in for fifth with 958.

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was over a true sign of the times we live in, and honestly one I didn't want to believe could possibly be correct. Only 11% of quiztakers knew that Netflix announced their #1 most-watched feature for 2019 was Adam Sandler's "Murder Mystery." I think stupid Adam Sandler "comedies" on Netflix are one of those things like peeing in the shower that we all do but we just don't talk about it because we don't believe anyone else ever does it either. 

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz last week was about which app the US Army had banned soldiers from using, following the US Navy's order to do this last year. 84% of quiztakers knew that you won't be seeing any short videos of Army base antics on TikTok, since the app is now a no-no. There are serious security concerns for soldiers' personal information in the app, and apparently those who would use this data maliciously can't be arsed to find it on Facebook where everyone's already put it up voluntarily.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the late Emil Richards and his contributions as a session musician to American pop culture. Only 35% knew that he was Hollywood's go-to man with anything percussive when recording TV show themes, as he's the same guy who provided the finger snaps in "The Addams Family" theme, the bongos in the original "Mission: Impossible" theme, and even the xylophone on "The Simpsons" theme. He was definitely an innovative virtuoso whose style shone through and set the tone for many shows.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was about Candy maker Hershey and their touring vehicle they were about to retire. 84% of quiztakers knew that the "Kissmobile" was making its final stops, and that "Mr. Goodcar" is probably an automotive repair shop run by someone who thought this was clever. I mean, I can't see Hershey's making a "Mr. Goodbar" themed vehicle, as the only time anyone buys those are in the mini assortment bags where it gets eaten dead last like the orange Starburst. And even if you like Mr. Goodbar, you should be wary of grabbing them from other people's candy dishes as there is a nonzero chance they've been there since the Carter administration. 

Anyway, congratulations to the winners, and be sure to check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz and my rundown of a few stupid tech items from this year's CES.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Fark Headlines of the Year are here, so you can finally say goodbye to 2019 🥳
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2020-01-07 3:59:07 PM, edited 2020-01-07 4:23:27 PM (17 comments) | Permalink

Fark's 2019 Headlines of the Year (brought to you by blythe)

Headlines of the Year! Fark greenlit 76,022 headlines this year.  You voted for your favorites.   Your 2019 Headlines of the Year are here!  

Here are the winning headlines, the top voted and second place for each tab

Top category headlines, showcasing the variety of headlines we have here on Fark, are in each tab:

Fark 2019 Headlines of the Year runner-up categories - Main page
Fark 2019 Headlines of the Year runner-up categories - Discussion
Fark 2019 Headlines of the Year runner-up categories - Sports
Fark 2019 Headlines of the Year runner-up categories - Geek
Fark 2019 Headlines of the Year runner-up categories - Business
Fark 2019 Headlines of the Year runner-up categories - Entertainment
Fark 2019 Headlines of the Year runner-up categories - Food
Fark 2019 Headlines of the Year runner-up categories - D'awww
Fark 2019 Headlines of the Year runner-up categories - Politics


As always, thanks to all our TotalFark voters for the preliminaries voting, thanks to everyonefor voting in the final round, and a huge Thank You to all our submitters for another year of fantastic headlines!

Congratulations to our Headlines of the Year winners!!!

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

This week's Fark and Schnitt podcast covers what I personally think is the best guerrilla marketing campaign I've seen in a long while.  Not that I agree with it mind you, but whoever came up with "Impossible Whopper Might Give You Man Boobs" is a freaking genius. I also offer some advice to Impossible Foods Inc. in the unlikely event that the allegation sticks.  Also, did you know you can buy bedbugs online? Someone who released a bunch of them in a Pennsylvania Walmart sure did. Also, we cover Fark's 2019 Headline of the Year contest.  

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
DarkSoulNoHope was having a hard time
Mr. Coffee Nerves figured that an ad looking for a babysitter for an 18-year-old college student would result in one thing
strathmeyer defended "affluenza [former] teen" Ethan Couch
elvisaintdead described what pump-jet submarines must sound like
Mr. Shabooboo figured that one Farker's comment about tattoo placement was based on personal experience
fusillade762 reacted to the news that a police officer lied when he claimed a fast food worker wrote "farking pig" on his cup
HighOnCraic had a legitimate complaint about the latest Star Wars films (no spoilers)
Bovine Diarrhea Virus knew what a port bottle containing a 150-year-old mixture of urine, rusty nails and a human hair actually was
Marcos P guessed the category of tattoos that were featured on a website
freidog figured out why a cop made up a story about being served coffee with an insult written on the cup

Smart:
cloudofdust pointed out that an article listed something that's often left out of updates about Ethan Couch
SirEattonHogg explained why some lakes are so dangerous
elvisaintdead described what pump-jet submarines must sound like
tommyl66 accused a cop of actually being what he falsely accused a McDonald's worker of accusing him of being (a lesser-known corollary of the "he who smelt it dealt it" proverb)
bingethinker suggested that the Smart car's failure in the U.S. is due to one particular factor
scanman61 shared a personal story about euthanasia
Mitch Taylor's Bro responded to the idea that white people are the real victims of doctors' bias against black people
rewind2846 brought up some of the history of ridiculous medical beliefs about black people
Rapmaster2000 had a theory on what will mean the end of Harley-Davidson
gregscott offered advice on what to do if your kid expresses an interest in playing with fire

CSB Sunday Morning: Memorable New Year's Eve celebration
Smart:
Adolf Oliver Nipples and son spend New Year's Eve in the past
Funny: Ker_Thwap was let down by the ball drop

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: italie's son made a wise choice when spending some Christmas money
Funny: Murflette posted this, which I'm sharing with no context
Smart: Eclectic shared advice for a better life
Smart: merlotguy asked a question with an obvious answer
Smart: Eclectic had a wish for the homophobes
Smart: pastramithemosterotic, I'm sure it is
Funny: mikaloyd started to identify with antivaxxers
Funny: Literally Addicted's ex used to cry over squirted milk

Politics Funny:
b0rg9 commented on the clash that killed Qassem Soleimani
markie_farkie posted a reminder after rockets hit the Baghdad International Airport
GardenWeasel took a guess at what's slowing U.S. population growth
Smoking GNU was offended by a Fark headline
Glockenspiel Hero explained why the U.S. doesn't have to worry about an increase in oil prices

Politics Smart:
jake_lex recommended a bold approach at the presidential debates
WTFDYW defended President's Trump's familiarity with conscription
BizarreMan contemplated taking Russia's word over the White House's
Xai commented on more U.S. troops being sent to the Middle East
BigNumber12 highlighted General Qassem Soleimani's level of reverence in Iran
Ambivalence gave an example of an ambivalent ticket not working


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba edited Donald Trump Jr.'s book
gaslight predicted conflict close to home is coming soon
Yammering_Splat_Vector made Big Brother take a seat
hail2daking had this guy wait in the car
Yammering_Splat_Vector should take this dog to get checked for worms
RedZoneTuba showed us who's going to be delivering our junk mail
hail2daking didn't have to do much to make video game hell come to life
hail2daking gave us an impending bear versus tiger fight
Stantz demonstrated one of the dangers of dining on ice
hail2daking decided that the show must go on

Captions:
Mojongo made a strange request

Farktography:
a particular individual won Farktography Contest No. 765: "New" with a new friend

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz this week, although the 1000 club stays empty with no one to try my frozen chocolate/vanilla swirl frozen drink I shamelessly stole from Melting Pot. I mean, it's winter - who wants a frozen drink anyway?

On the Quiz, calbert takes the top spot with 992, followed by edmo with 985 and Tax Boy in third with 981. jrl made fourth with 958, and Denjiro closes out the top five with 928.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was about an unauthorized anti-drone jamming device in China that was ordered shut down by their aviation authority. Only 21% of quiztakers knew that gangs in the area had concocted a bizarre scheme of using drones to spread swine flu, then purchasing the infected meat and reselling it as healthy. Jeez, the lengths some people will go to make a buck. 

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about the reason a 67-year-old Florida Man gave authorities for handing out free weed in St. Petersburg. 81% of quiztakers knew that "Because it was Christmas" was the best possible reason. Unfortunately the grinches in blue didn't see it that way and his stash was confiscated. 

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which video just hit 1 billion views on YouTube. Only 49% of quiztakers knew that the original "Smells Like Teen Spirit" from alt-rockers Nirvana had reached the milestone, while Michael Jackson's "Bad" still sat at a mere 300,000 on its official account. And yes, both bands were fans of Weird Al, with Michael Jackson offering the actual subway set he had built for "Bad" for use in filming the "Fat" video. Kurt Cobain, of course, didn't own the stage where the video was filmed, but he did give his blessing. 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which billionaire lost the most money last year. 89% of quiztakers knew that Jeff Bezos' divorce had cost him more money than most all of us combined will ever see in a lifetime, leaving him... hmmm (checks list)... still the richest man in the world. Maybe the whole point of the Cybertruck is to pick up women, who knows. 

Congratulations to the winners, and you can take this week's Fark Weird News Quiz here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Welcome to the future 🎉
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2020-01-01 10:08:53 AM (32 comments) | Permalink

Holy crap, it's 2020! We've all heard people asking where our flying cars are, but really, it does seem like humanity should've accomplished a lot more. Yeah, we've come a long way, but even some of the "advancements" we've obtained almost seem like they came about when someone wished for them on a monkey's paw. I mean, we got antibiotics, and now we have superbugs. We got some cool technology that we can take with us everywhere we go, but now it spies on us for the Lizard People. If we get flying cars, they'll probably become sentient and decide to destroy all humans.

Anyway, if you haven't had a chance to vote for Fark's 2019 Headlines of the Year, there's still time, because voting ends on Friday at noon. Here are the links to get some of that sweet voting action for each tab:

Main
Discussion
Sports
Business
Geek
Entertainment
D'awww
Food
Politics

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

It's the End of the Year Fark and Schnitt podcast - Part 2 of the History of Fark. Learn the real reason Digg failed (it's not what you think). Also, how much sideboob is too much sideboob, and how a heavy-handed Google AI nearly killed Fark.

There's so much we didn't get to cover in this episode. Hopefully we'll do another followup down the road, such as what actually happened to the old web's audience, and how we might fix all of this. More on that last one later, meanwhile have a fantastic 2020 everyone!
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
optikeye thought that another Farker might secretly be someone else
naughtyrev tried to comfort a Farker whose fiancee was mooned by an angry weirdo
ralphjr gave a celebrity's opinion of Bill Cosby
Relatively Obscure reviewed the Star Wars movies
Mantour got the quotation wrong
brownja, it might comfort you to know that it was submitted with this exact headline eight times
yakmans_dad figured out what really had Marcus Aurelius all hot and bothered in department stores
Hobodeluxe remembered that Eddie Murphy already knew how to deal with Bill Cosby
KarmicDisaster remembered how destructive the Notre Dame Cathedral fire was
CipollinaFan had a suggestion for Twitter's issue with people tweeting animated PNG image files that could trigger seizures

Smart:
styckx thought that Bill Cosby was taking credit that didn't belong to him
Hobodeluxe remembered that Eddie Murphy already knew how to deal with Bill Cosby
Someone Else's Alt gave an insider's opinion on why ships should never have touch-screen controls
contrapunctus discussed the latest odd video released by Kevin Spacey
Zombies ate my neighbors talked about what Sears could have been
ralphjr gave a celebrity's opinion of Bill Cosby
Bootleg pointed out that there are bigger problems than boobs
kryptoknightmare thought that Disney made one big mistake with the Star Wars movies
Garza and the Supermutants pointed out another entertainer Cosby was stealing credit from
Tax Boy's user name kind of checked out

CSB Sunday Morning: Road trips
Smart:
Well....Alrighty....Then made getting lost in a blizzard into a magical Christmas
Funny: Interceptor1 learned why you should keep your hands and head inside the vehicle at all times

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: Dance Party gave advice to someone who has type 2 diabetes and needs to lose weight
Smart: a particular individual showed off a cool homemade friend
Smart: SuperTramp had more advice for the Farker diagnosed with type 2 diabetes
Funny: sarahthustra showed us how many actual laughs a single funny vote in TotalFark Discussion converts to
Funny: merrillvillain had big plans for the holidays
Smart: Lava Lamp Repairman made a meme tribute to an LPer (last poster) who recently went Beyond Fark (the Fark NotNewsletter with the sad news)
Funny: ytterbium learned something about ketchup
Funny: Ponzholio was able to translate the engravings on a knife

Politics Funny:
lindalouwho took a guess at why Republicans shout
propasaurus was a bit confused because of how something was phrased
WalkingCarpet thought that a man who's searching for his "Awesome Republican Goddess" looks familiar
Pocket Ninja taught us an important lesson about linguistics (this one seriously is a work of art)
Phil McKraken wanted Biden to testify in Trump's impeachment trial after preparing with a certain former senator

Politics Smart:
Diogenes replied to the question of what happened to Rudy Giuliani in the time since 9/11
edmo described Trump's leadership style
koder had a theory on why young couples are more likely to break up over political differences
nmrsnr reacted to an article that criticized how Rachel Maddow covered the Steele dossier
UNC_Samurai argued that Joe Biden should agree to testify at Trump's impeachment trial


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
The top six entries all came from "Official proposed U.S. Space Force logos just plain suck. So let's be part of the solution and create a serious logo that a cap trooper would be proud to wear"
PhotoshopCrazy made a Space Force emblem fit for a Prince
FarkingIceHole showed President Trump that the Space Farce is coming
jaytkay revealed the design for the Space Force's aircraft
RedZoneTuba put the people who are most excited about the Space Force on the logo
hail2daking made the Space Force symbol that Trump would probably choose
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed more of a test flight than an actual logo
PhotoshopCrazy found out what happens when a bellyflop goes way wrong
hail2daking figured that Santa celebrates with his granddaughter when he's done delivering presents
#2 knew that Santa knows the very best thing to do now that he has some spare time
PhotoshopCrazy decided that trapeze acts should be a little more challenging

Captions:
Heamer could see that Chewbacca was being asked about his plans for the evening
whither_apophis knew that every celebrity has to deal with being mistaken for someone else

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 764: "Seasons' Greetings 12" ended in a cheerful four-way tie between Elsinore, CiliarySpasm, Lovesandwich and SoupGuru

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another great time on the Quiz last week, but the 1000 club remains empty. Pity, I was going to make S'mores. dionysusaur came out on top with 963, followed by Evildog in second with 934 and bud jones in third with 918. jasonvatch made fourth with 909, and scrumpox snuck into the top five with a very respectable 905.

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was over why most American flags in Disney World have only 49 stars. If you look closely, you'll notice they also only have 12 stripes. This is done because then it's no longer a "true" American flag, and 23% of Quiztakers knew that the Flag Code, which says an American flag cannot be flown permanently, only applies to a real American flag. While few people bother following the Flag Code anymore, Walt Disney was kinda old school about that, and so the permanent installations are all "fake" flags. (Also, Disney World opened in 1971; the US flag has had 50 stars since 1960).

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over which state has a representative who wants to replace the bust of Confederate general Nathan Bedford Forrest with that of native daughter Dolly Parton. 90% of quiztakers knew that it was the great state of TN where both were from. I'm fine with that, and there are a few other ones I'd like to replace with the likes of fellow Tennesseeans Aretha Franklin and Tina Turner. Heck, if we're replacing Confederate generals, let's switch a couple out with Miley Cyrus and Justin Timberlake, too (both from TN). 

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about which company thought that video gamers needed their own special shoes. Only 42% of quiztakers knew that Puma was the first to dive into the market with $160 "Active Gaming Footwear," which is basically slippers with pressure points. To be honest, maybe they should start with convincing us gamers to wear pants while playing instead of going straight to the shoes. 

And finally, the easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which cheesy holiday movie network first pulled, then reinstated a commercial featuring a same-sex wedding. 84% of quiztakers knew that it was Hallmark who had the change of heart about love. And as someone pointed out in the thread, mothers, if you're afraid that a same-sex wedding on the Hallmark channel might have some kind of effect on your teenagers, maybe you should start with the fact that you have teenagers watching the Hallmark channel and go from there. 

Congratulations to the winners, and be sure to check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz!
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Hope your voting appendage is ready for Fark Headline of the Year final round
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-12-26 5:25:17 PM (23 comments) | Permalink

Headline of the Year Voting (brought to you by blythe)

The Final Round of Headline of the Year Voting is Live!  Final Round - Everyone can Vote!

Vote, vote, vote, and let's see what you love!  Consider each headline as carefully as you wish!  Some are puns, some are wordplay, some you need to click through a few times to read the story or the Fark comments to figure out the joke (and these are often some of the best), sometimes the joke is in the symbols, sometimes it's a sideways look at the story or the world. Vote for any or all! We don't limit your voting, we really want to see what you laughed at and enjoyed! 

Voting opens Thursday, December 26 and ends Friday, January 3 at noon Eastern.

We love Headline of the Year!  We love our submitters, and Headline of the Year gives us the chance to highlight the best of the fantastic, funny headlines submitted all year long. Headline of the Year starts with weekly Headline of the Week picks compiled into massive preliminary voting threads for TotalFarkers. The headlines in this final round are the top-voted headlines by TotalFarkers! Huge Thanks to all our fantastic TotalFark voters for our final candidates!

Vote, vote, vote, and let's see what you love best for the 2019 Headlines of the Year!  

Headline of the Year 2019 Final Voting
Main
Discussion
Sports
Business
Geek
Entertainment
D'awww
Food
Politics

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

On this week's Fark and Schnitt Podcast, presenting the History of Fark - Part 1. Pull up close to the fire and listen to Drew tell the tale of Fark at the dawn of the Early Web.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
grokca thought that the owner of the Can Can Room has appeared in movies
ralphjr showed how dangerous it could be to have pleasurebots "be able to determine who is desperate out of a crowd"
LordOfThePings explained why an article originally misreported the amount of a heavy metal that was spilled on a roadway
Mantour figured out how a murderer approached her victim
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That replied to a summons in a thread
jbc ascertained what kind of emergency surgery Pat Sajak needed
433 knew of one thing that's worse than getting shot directly in the buttocks
markie_farkie had an example of an 11-year-old girl experiencing the internet
Pocket Ninja defended the validity of a survey about people's opinions regarding Santa's gender
Fear the Clam was confused by an ad for a set of kitchen knives

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
Rusty Shackleford warned about one thing to look out for with mercury spills

Smart:
Dallymo worried that a creepy statement in an already awful story could mean more victims
Tyrosine patiently explained in Cartmanesque terms why some grown men still dress like teenagers
markie_farkie did the math on a streetful of 64,000 gallons of mercury
Giant Clown Shoe showed how much a movie bombed
bdub77 noted the different personalities of two well-known cartoonists
DancinMoogle figured that spending a lot of money to build some porch pirate bait was worth it for one guy
Wookie_Jesus thought about why cops seem to be so trigger happy
wejash explained what notaries do and do not do
Winterlight fondly recalled an old Disney space movie
Petey4335 shared a story about becoming a parent

CSB Sunday Morning: The most interesting present you've ever given someone
Smart:
Winterlight gave Dad a gift that everyone in the office enjoyed
Funny: xxBirdMadGirlxx released a flock of sheep in a friend's house

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: sarahthustra gave alarming advice to someone who kissed a friend
Smart: parasol received a sweet message from loved ones
Funny: Al_Ed answered the question, Should I shave, or should I go now?"
Funny: italie replied to an invitation to have some afternoon delight
Smart: ytterbium gave the standard advice to someone whose partner is a jerk
Funny: croesius provided a helpful illustration of a pants problem
Funny: Ceteris Paribus says warned about something you might not want to say if you are attracted to your best friend

Politics Funny:
mkelly1082 found something for Donald Trump to brag about
ox45tallboy noticed that "45" got some new bling
FlashHarry defended Trump's letter to Nancy Pelosi
mrshowrules helpfully let us know why a protester at Adam Schiff's town hall meeting was so angry
LordOfThePings showed us what some conspiracy theorist on Twitter meant by "Q and Q+"

Politics Smart:
SurfaceTension had a different idea for where to spend money for national security
ox45tallboy explained why the House voted to impeach Trump even though the Senate will likely let him off the hook
BizarreMan was upset by what it took to get some documents from the White House
koder figured that it's not the millennials who are to blame for the Christianity decreasing in America
basemetal argued that Mitch McConnell is not actually afraid to have a fair impeachment trial in the Senate


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba improved Christmas with an update on a classic story
RedZoneTuba discovered a secret hallway in the Aston Martin Lagonda factory
RedZoneTuba showed what happens when you squeeze a music store
spambot collective turned Princess Peach into a princess's attendant
Yammering_Splat_Vector found Mike playing his favorite game
RedZoneTuba shared a popular game among Fark Photoshoppers
Mojongo revealed that a certain Republican goes in disguise to support impeachment
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave an example of an animal with an impressive defense mechanism
Snubnose found out that the ships for the new Space Force are already being made
RedZoneTuba found a good filming location for a spaghetti sci-fi

Captions:
maxandgrinch decided that this good dog's owner does some no-so-good things

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 763: "Holidays on Display" ended in a two-Farker three-way with kittyhas1000legsJ.J. Abrams-style Christmas lights, MorningBreath's festive view of Dollywood, and MorningBreath's gift-wrapped edifice

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Last week's Quiz was fun as always, even though our keyword algorithm seems to think Brent Spiner has something to do with digital watches. On the Quiz itself, M-G takes top honors and gets a seat by the roaring fire in the 1000 club with a score of 1004, baka-san made second with 960, and Misch took third with 842. WoolyManwich managed fourth with 841, and pcwolf rounds out the top five with 829,

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was over "Font Club" at McNairy High School in Keizer, OR, and which piece of school property these students were raising money to remove the dreaded Comic Sans from. Only 29% of quiztakers knew the school district had saw fit to make sure that Comic Sans was the first thing the kids saw each morning when the school bus arrived. That can't be good for putting one in a learning mode for the day.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over what transplanted organ was slowly changing the DNA of a Nevada man. 87% of quiztakers knew that replacement bone marrow would give someone replacement blood cells, which in turn would eventually replace your body's DNA. I personally can't wait until this shows up on Springer.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the first team-up of director Tim Burton with former Oingo Boingo frontman Danny Elfman. Only 41% of quiztakers knew that the 1985 hit Pee Wee's Big Adventure was the first of their many team-ups, with "Beetlejuice" being the second three years later. And yes, you'll be able to see Paul Reubens in character when he tours with the movie next year. Supposedly Michael Keaton will be busy filming "Beetlejuice 2."

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which Canadian retailer's website pulled the "Cocaine Santa" sweater from its stores. 86% percent of quiztakers knew that this tasteless American cultural export could have only come by way of our other major tasteless American export, Walmart. If you are interested in a last-minute gift, the sweater is now available from the same seller through Amazon's website, so yay Capitalism?

Congratulations to the winners, and a Merry Festivus to everyone, and a happy whatever other associated holiday you and yours choose to celebrate. Don't forget to check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz, and how my aunt converses via text message
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Making your GIF wishes come true, plus Headline of the Year voting begins
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-12-17 12:00:52 PM (129 comments) | Permalink

________________________

A message from Fark's dev team:  
________________________ 

As a special holiday gift, we're making a change that's been on many of your wish lists:  We're upping the animated GIF limit from 2MB to 8MB, so you can post that GIF you've been saving of Drew, Santa Claus and the Loch Ness Monster having a sleigh race on the moon.

We know... "FINALLY!" you all say.  There are two main reasons it's taken us this long.  One is that bigger GIFs cost us more money.  We pay for all those bits and bytes that go between our server and your device.  The second is that bigger GIFs potentially cost YOU more money, especially on mobile devices with data plans (and even with unlimited data, they tend to slow down the page).

None of us can afford to spend extra money for animated GIFs that could otherwise be used for better things, like ugly Christmas sweaters for our dogs/cats/big-nutted-squirrels, so along with the increase in GIF limit, we're making all* animated GIFs click-to-play.  You will see the word "GIF" in the middle of the image with a dotted rectangle, and that's your cue to click.

TotalFarkers - you'll have new preferences in your myFark profile page to always autoplay animated GIFs if you'd like.  If you're not worried about your data plan or pages loading more slowly, and you don't want click-to-play, then this is the option for you.  Your subscription fee helps offset the costs to us.

(*almost all animated GIFs will be click-to-play.  Tiny ones - less than 100px on a side - will still autoplay)

________________________

A message from toraque:  
________________________ 

"Oh, No, Not Again! The 2019 Fark Fiction Anthology" is here in time for Christmas!  Tales of intrigue, tales of fright, tales of derring-do and maybe even derring-don't, flights of fancy and fanciful flights!  The best writers from the community of Fark have once again come together to bring you the most Fark-worthy short fiction to be found. From fantasy and science fiction to mystery and suspense and horror and even humor, this collection of stories showcases the brilliant minds among us.  And even better, once again, all proceeds from the sale of this anthology will be donated to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, so even if you don't like reading, you can still help a good cause!  

"Oh, No, Not Again!: The 2019 Fark Fiction Anthology" Paperback edition
"Oh, No, Not Again!: The 2019 Fark Fiction Anthology" Kindle edition

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

On this week's Fark and Schnitt: A roundup of porch pirate stories, including a clever way to get them to take out your trash. The cocaine Santa sweater is back!  And a thorough deconstruction of Porch Pirate Glitter Bomb 2.0, starring Macaulay Culkin for some reason.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
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Headlines of the Year (brought to you by blythe)

The first round of Headline of the Year voting is live!  

We love Headline of the Year!  We love our submitters, and Headline of the Year gives us the chance to highlight the best of the fantastic, funny headlines submitted all year long. 

This round of voting starts Tuesday, December 17 and ends Monday, December 23 at noon Eastern.

TotalFarkers, this first round is for TotalFarkers only! Your votes in this round determine the headlines for the Final round next week!  Vote, vote, vote, and let's see what you love!  

The links for all other Farkers are read-only, we wanted everyone to have a chance to see all the headline candidates, so you can still follow the links and read!  We'd love to have you join us and add your votes too!  Either way - voting or just reading - Enjoy!

For voting - Consider each headline as carefully as you wish!  Some are puns, some are wordplay, some you need to click through a few times to read the story or the Fark comments to figure out the joke (and these are often some of the best), sometimes the joke is in the symbols, sometimes its a sideways look at the story or the world.  Vote for any or all!  We don't limit your voting, we really want to see what you laughed at and enjoyed!  There are a *lot* of headlines, so pace yourself, and enjoy the ride.

Headline of the Year 2019 Voting for TotalFarkers:
Main
Discussion
Sports
Business
Geek
Entertainment
D'awww
Food
Politics


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
vudukungfu thought that a polyamorous group looked familiar
BizarreMan tried to look on the bright side when a youth minister slapped a reporter's butt on television
JerseyTim shared an important office holiday party safety tip
linemanbear chose a very specific reason to play football in high school (probably playing on this comment from Marcus Aurelius, but we'll never be entirely sure)
Prank Call of Cthulhu added the voiceover for one of the men in a polyamorous relationship
TheAlgebraist added a little more information about a survey on alts
skyotter thought that a journalist sounded old
Shostie argued that the original "Ghostbusters" movie had a certain kind of mood throughout
The Googles Do Nothing talked about being a fan of Lizzo before she became so well known
Chariset knew the kind of satisfaction you get when you wear a Fitbit while fapping

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
Vermithrax Perjorative relocated Canada's new body farm to Letterkenny

Smart:
NobleHam wondered if some polyamorous people were really polyamorous
kermit the forg's user name checked out
ThomasPaineTrain shared a story about a meat-hiding friend
Biscuit Tin had a theory about kids with names with unusual spelling
JerseyTim came forth with evidence that a characterization of the first "Ghostbusters" movie was incorrect
Flappyhead noticed a detail in the "Ghostbusters: Afterlife" trailer
TylerParry decided to use someone else's successful investment plan
Magorn felt neither surprised nor bothered by a loving group of people
EvilEgg figured that office parties should be about spending less time around your coworkers
Boojum2k shared a memory of René Auberjonois at a convention

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
MBooda shared a cool story about meeting Arthur C. Clarke in Sri Lanka

CSB Sunday Morning: What happened that long-ago first time you connected to the internet
Smart:
italie and a friend put in hours of work for an awesome multiplayer experience
Funny: unchellmatt used that first time on the internet for the second-oldest online activity

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: Earthworm Jim Jones had the top answer for something that's "classy if you're rich, but trashy if you're poor"
Funny: Well....Alrighty....Then told us about a disastrous day at work
Smart: MIAppologia sided with a Farker's neighbor in a dispute that escalated to chicken throwing
Funny: Al_Ed had the most rednecky answer for "What redneck things do you enjoy?"
Smart: leeksfromchichis was impressed by how smart the members of this website are

Politics Funny:
arrogantbastich thought that Mike Huckabee's opinion that Donald Trump should be allowed to run for a third term isn't all bad
DarnoKonrad expressed feelings about Greta Thunberg being named "Person of the Year" by Time magazine
Mike_LowELL didn't appreciate being called out in a thread about a tweet from Mike Huckabee
Needlessly Complicated showed us What Trump is talking about
BizarreMan listed the "5 companies" an angry climate change denier owns

Politics Smart:
arrogantbastich thought that Mike Huckabee's opinion that Trump should be allowed to run for a third term isn't all bad
HighOnCraic was flabbergasted by what Trump said about Jewish Americans' feelings about Israel
Xai pointed out one problem with no longer allowing anyone to listen to President Trump's phone calls with foreign leaders
Unobtanium worried about something Trump might do if he loses the 2020 election
dailygrinds addressed Joe Biden's statement that "we need a Republican Party"


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Yammering_Splat_Vector made a much simpler map of American cultures
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave this floor a surly expression
RedZoneTuba showed that even an adorable alien can end up being dangerous (warning: kind of graphic)
Circusdog320 revealed the reason why some people call it the "Dracula parrot"
RedZoneTuba proved that really great fashion never goes out of style
RedZoneTuba put squirrels in the Kent State massacre
Alligator demonstrated that Jell-O is brain food
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel shared a San Franciscan view of America
Yammering_Splat_Vector got this bird dressed up for a night on the prowl
RedZoneTuba shut down everything

Captions:
Devolving_Spud saw a resemblance to a Dustin Hoffman character
Grumpy Cat figured out what a famous grumpy cat might have been thinking
Devolving_Spud remembered how much fun old cars could be if you were wearing shorts

Farktography:
Circusdog320 won Farktography Contest No. 762: "Less is More 4" with this reflective aviator

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Beyond Fark

We're very sad to have lost longtime Farker yoyo. You might have met him at a Fark Party, such as the big ones in New Orleans and Las Vegas, or smaller ones like the one he organized last month in D.C. You can read yoyo's memorial thread here.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on last week's Quiz, although the 1000 club is collecting spiders. the Mole of Production came out on top with 901, followed by Xanadone in second with 899 and kjlopey right behind in third with 898. MostlyLurking managed fourth with 883, and Tyrosine made it into the top 5 with 873. Hopefully this week's Quiz is a little easier.

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was over which Christmas classic was NOT going into the dreaded "Disney Vault" and subjected to limited release every decade or so. Only 17% of quiztakers knew that Gremlins was a Warner Bros movie and therefore beyond the whims of the Mouse House. Die Hard and Home Alone were both 20th Century Fox films, so better grab a copy from the bargain bin while you still can, as Mickey is going to milk the brands for more remakes and sequels before you'll ever see the originals again.

The easiest question on last week's Hard Quiz was over the new "Cosmic Crisp" produce variety. 85% of quiztakers knew that this was a variety of apple long in the making, named for the little pale specs that make it look kinda like a star field if you squint really hard. Also, those folks who spent all this time into engineering a piece of produce to last for a year in the fridge should talk to the avocado that's been in mine since the Dubya administration. I mean, seriously, talk to it - I think it's learning English from reading all of the labels.

The hardest question on last week's Easy Quiz was over MTV's "Lost Weekend" contest, where a random person spent 3 days on tour with a legendary hard-partying band. Only 41% of quiztakers remembered that a random 20-year-old got to hang backstage with none other than Van Halen during their insane 1984 tour. I mean, the question did say he lived to tell about it, and I'm pretty sure the same can't be said about anyone who spent even one day trying to keep up with Mötley Crüe.

The easiest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about which pictures got Russian censors so upset they blocked the entire country from accessing the stock image website Shutterstock. 87% of quiztakers knew that a contributor to the site had uploaded a series of images with the statement "The Russian flag banner is placed in a pile of dog feces. It symbolizes protests against Russian politics." Personally, I think he was trying to get out of picking up his doggie's messes by calling them "art." I mean, it's more artistic than a banana taped to a wall, and with zero risk of a random "performance artist" eating the thing.

Congratulations to the winners, and be and sure and bring your digital watch to this week's Fark Weird News Quiz.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Banana art, pigeon hats, and a tribute to a fallen Farker
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-12-10 11:45:47 AM (18 comments) | Permalink

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hope everyone is well!  Super weird news cycle is in effect right now.  In particular, the banana duct taped to the wall artwork that sold for $120,000, but then someone ate it.  I can't put my finger on it, but that entire sequence doesn't seem entirely organic to me. Anyhow, if anyone out there would like a banana duct taped to the wall for less than $120,000, let me know because I've got both bananas and duct tape.  And walls. I could use one of your walls as well, I'm willing to travel.  

Xmas season is in full swing, folks - do you know what you could get for your favorite Farker?  Why not a year of TotalFark? I had a call yesterday with a longtime Farker who's been reading for 15 years and who admitted he had never signed up for TotalFark.  He couldn't figure out why he hadn't yet. For that matter, I can't figure out why you haven't either. $5 makes a huge difference in the aggregate folks. Plus how else are we going to finance Mike's habit of putting cowboy hats on pigeons in Las Vegas?    Why not sign up for TotalFark today, or sign someone else up? Remember, only you can prevent hatless Las Vegas pigeons.

On this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, we interviewed my good friend and best-selling sci-fi author and TotalFark subscriber since 2003ish John Scalzi about his new Christmas Anthology, his upcoming new novel to be released in April, and Fart Guns.  Among other things. Also it turns out Todd knows where the opening music from the CBS SPECIAL bumper came from, the one that used to play before every Christmas cartoon in the '70s and '80s. Check it out and learn something new today - and also why this episode is the perfect segue from pigeons wearing cowboy hats.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
grokca knew why hugram had a question about a woman who was charged with, among much worse things, inappropriate activities with her dog
Ghastly has a clever way of dealing with being spied on through a Ring camera
Mr_Vimes relayed the thoughts of a yacht captain who crashed while fooling around with a deckhand
Mike_LowELL explained why Peloton is a hero
BizarreMan had a threat and a promise for would-be hackers
BizarreMan thought it was obvious why a broadcaster commented on a quarterback's "dark skin color with a dark football"
Keyser_Soze_Death identified with a character in "The Irishman"
Jack Sabbath expressed relief about an update on Jenna Jameson's condition
Cdr.Murdock explained having no desire to give one particular gift this Christmas
OkieDookie described how one type of business adapted when technology could've made them obsolete

Smart:
wkndfrk shared some information about how police handled a dangerous situation
Pocket Ninja figured that Peloton wanted everyone to think their commercial was creepy and unsettling
lolmao500 thought it would be a good idea for police to consider whether or not a given action is worth it
We Ate the Necco Wafers figured that someone might be in need of a biology lesson
Munden pointed out that Peloton's strange commercial hasn't hurt them as much as you might think
Miss_Dorothy_Kilgallen wrote a comment in some ancient secret code
bluenote13 described how a lot of people see the Peloton commercial
Miss_Dorothy_Kilgallen noticed that people probably had opportunities to help a woman who was being scammed
scottydoesntknow figured out how to fix a bad commercial
Sophont described some stupid opinions about a first child being a girl

CSB Sunday Morning: Your most memorable Thanksgiving
Smart:
The Pope of Manwich Village shared a beautiful story about spending Thanksgiving in a hospital
Funny: Hilarity ensued when DocBubba decided to try out a special stuffing recipe

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: NuclearPenguins had an example of something you can say on TFD and during sexytime
Funny: Beeblebrox gave a belated welcome to someone who was feeling left out
Funny: raerae1980 felt defensive about a question
Smart: Beeblebrox answered a Farker's question about dating history
Funny: Brawndo figured out how a TotalFarker's kid wound up with a diamond in the sole of her shoe
Smart: CommieTaoist responded to the idea that possessing durian fruit should be illegal
Funny: merrillvillain shared a fun fact about sperm

Politics Funny:
Pocket Ninja explained why Donald Trump was so insulted when other world leaders made fun of him behind his back
naughtyrev was glad to see Matt Gaetz tweeting about impeaching a former president
Xai wanted to start a new cruise line that would be more accepting than some airlines
NateAsbestos didn't think that hodgemann was right about Joe Biden
NewportBarGuy responded to a rumor about the 9/11 terrorists

Politics Smart:
AdmirableSnackbar agreed with wkndfrk about there being things to like and dislike about one of Joe Biden's ads
MrBallou discussed why someone might not want to be overheard admitting to being a Trump supporter
hodgemann disagreed with CNN's assessment of the U.S. economy
thorpe suggested a strategy for Democrats running against Trump
FlashHarry wanted some changes to how elections are handled


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Yammering_Splat_Vector demonstrated what can happen to your hair if you drag your feet on the carpet way too much
Terrapin Bound requested a few substitutions when ordering this English breakfast
verchad discovered a predatory breed of dog
whatsupchuck showed a symbiotic relationship between a human and a lamb
Alligator found a way to get rid of Krampus
RedZoneTuba gave us a convenient way to wrap gifts from the duty-free shop
Kick The Chair proved that some dogs wag their heads instead of their tails
Alligator showed how Vladimir Putin would travel if he were a Farker
RedZoneTuba revealed that Krampus has the wandering eye
Snubnose demonstrated the wrong way to bathe your dog

Farktography:
beerrun won Farktography Contest No. 761: "The Big D" with the fastest beer run yet

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Beyond Fark

We're very sad to have learned of the recent death of Farker martissimo. He posted comments in all types of Fark threads, especially the Sunday Morning Music Club and MSNBC discussion threads. Some of his friends from the MSNBC discussion crew put together a loving tribute to martissimo, which is now live on the Discussion tab. You can also read the combined MSNBC discussion/memorial thread for martissimo from last week. As his wife said to a Farker who reached out to her, "Tell everyone here how much he loved them -- he talked about everyone all the time."


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on last week's quiz, although the 100 club remains empty once again. Xanadone takes the top spot with 966, followed by Denjiro in second with 952. MrCynical and Dallymo tied for third with 920, and Datanerd made fourth with 910. Oliver Twisted and grimlock1972 finish it out with a tie for fifth at 901.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over what $900,000 item Ireland ordered for their Parliament that simply wouldn't fit in the building. Only 18% of quiztakers knew that it was a super-duper state-of-the-art printer that could collate, staple, and likely print silly signs for the minority party to put up behind them in their version of Congressional hearings (America is such a leader in political culture in this respect). The interesting thing is that although they've spent another quarter of a million bucks modifying the building to finally get it in, the workers refuse to operate it without special training (and a pay raise) and the IT people refuse to hook it up because of security concerns about stored documents. I'm thinking just turn it into a Kinko's. 

The easiest question on last week's Hard Quiz was over which musical instrument was getting the most interest from students at East High School in Anchorage, Alaska. 81% of quiztakers knew that the guys up in Alaska apparently think the ladies like a guy with a small instrument, and have signed up for ukulele lessons. Interestingly, although ukuleles are a Hawaiian invention (modified from a Portuguese stringed instrument), its popularity in Alaska stems from neighboring Canada, where public school teachers latched onto it as an inexpensive way to teach kids about musical scales in the last half of the 20th Century. 

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which game show was devoting an entire episode to 90's rockers Fall Out Boy. Only 43% of quiztakers knew that they'd be joining Drew Carey on stage for a one-off episode of The Price Is Right. I'm guessing Fear Factor was ruled out early in the negotiations.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which country with a history of colonialism still thought Santa's sidekick Black Pete (a white guy in caricatured blackface) should still be a thing in 2019. 85% of quiztakers knew that it was The Netherlands who still weren't getting the memo, I mean, if it's not about Pete's race, let's change the color up a bit. Make him "Green Pete" or do a thing where he changes every year. But sheesh, guys.

Congratulations to the winners and be sure to check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz.
· · ·

Tribute to Farker martissimo: See ya when I get there, old friend
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-12-09 8:10:19 PM, edited 2019-12-10 12:37:11 PM (32 comments) | Permalink

Words for martissimo:

I miss you terribly, Marty. You had faith in me when I didn't. You trusted me to make the Picasso quilt, knowing I could do it, when I didn't. I hope you really liked it as much as you said you did. I miss you, I didn't get my hug, I love you.

Fark user image

-Kimwim


In the weird online world, I considered Fark user martissimo a good dude who'd had life experiences that were fascinating and unfamiliar to me, and who was a good model for an ordinary guy wanting to do something about the politics that originally brought us together in the daily "Maddite" MSNBC discussion threads.

What he revealed about himself through his posts was that he was a good and decent man who had great taste in music, who wasn't afraid to talk about the times he failed at things, about his workaday experiences, and the thought processes he was going through to take the next step, and to the next one, and so on.

By inference, it seemed plain to me that he was on a good path to working his way forward in these chaotic times. I really respected and appreciated his hopeful and practical advice about making steps to affect politics at the local and national level, and I was impressed by pictures of some of his woodworking.

I'm going to miss his contributions and humor; he felt like family. He would be posting humor or music video links, and if someone posted about a bad life experience, he'd turn on a dime and chime in to support and commiserate with them.

Again, the bottom line was that he was a good dude with good things to say, and I'm better for the conversations he contributed to, and I'm sad that he's left us so early.

-Mofa


Marti was the first person in here I had a phone conversation with. We had never spoken before aside from a few Fark interactions. We talked for nearly an hour about life, beer, and football. He will be missed.

-Precious Roy's Horse Dividers


I only know him from his posts on Fark--he was one of the ones that did the "morning shift" on the Maddow threads. He was a musical prodigy, especially on keyboards, and loved to go to shows. He was a union carpenter in Vegas, doing mostly the fine finish work, though he did other jobs often, setting up convention spaces and whatnot. His dad (like mine) worked at Rocketdyne back in the day, cleaning up the test stands at Santa Susana and taking environmental measurements. He had some connection with a LA music venue through a relative, and I wonder if that is where he got his lifelong love of music--he knew casually so many of the great rock and rollers of the 70's and 80's. Most importantly, he was incredibly generous--I know he's helped out a number of the Maddites with money, tools, advice and general support. He was unfailing kind, and also one of the people who helped turn Nevada blue in his district, working for his local candidates--hoping to make a difference for everyone around him. I'll miss him a lot.

-FishCake


Any time I had a question about carpentry, marti was always happy to offer advice. Whether dealing with finishing, cutting, tools, drywall, joining... he was happy to share his knowledge to lift others up.

He was also acting to be the change he wanted to see in this world, which is something rare and wonderful.

He was one of those rare souls you just couldn't help but to like, even if at times it was almost impossible to understand what he was talking about. He had an infectious and uplifting spirit that will be sorely missed.

Rest in peace, marti. My deepest condolences to his wife, family, and dog.

-EighthDay


Marty was a man of talent and jest and wisdom, albeit a bit off the wall.  Because of him, I cannot walk into a building without looking at the finish work.  When I decided I needed some more materials to keep my jewelry making going, I offered up a one year subscription plan.  Minutes later, I had an email from him.  He subscribed for 12 pieces and asked for my PayPal to send the money to.  I spent a portion of it on these:

Fark user imageView Full Size


So, every one of you that has ordered up something and got any of these emeralds, rubies or sapphires in the piece has a tiny piece of Marty's generosity.  I'm still working with these materials.

I'm gonna miss him.

-Auntie Cheesus


Fark user image

I gave marti this Farky the day he went to a Trump Rally and intentionally got kicked out for protesting. Even after the foot thing happened, he kept working on campaigning for his favored candidates and policies. He was a stone cold badass until the day he died.

While the rest of us were bullshiatting on Fark, he was an active participant in the Democratic Party in myriad ways.

I'm gonna miss our epic arguments, buddy. Even though I hated you sometimes, I always loved you.

Rest In Peace.

-HedlessChickn


I remember having a conversation with Marti once about the Dead and my feeling of cosmic synesthetic ebullience that overwhelms me when I listen to show recordings between 68-70 of them segue into The Eleven and the wave breaks and Jerry starts playing the first ascending notes--like an ascension to a higher consciousness on a rainbow bridge formed of each successive tone, like entering the monolith, like collapsing the explicate layer of reality into the universal implicate, like synchronizing Transatlanticism with Hoshi no Koe, like a searing approach to Unknown Kadath and a wingéd flight into deepest space to watch the Big Bang run in reverse. He listened to my delusions where others might smile politely and back away slowly. There are a lot of Dead songs about life and loss, but I will leave tonight with this one, which they played in the early days to end their shows. Goodnight to a unique soul.

-dhcmrlchtdj


"A legend is gone, and I'm sorry he did not live to see Trump go to jail.  We can be comforted that he will get to see Trump in hell.  I imagine marti is already in heaven, loading up an armload of rocks."

-Cpl. D.


Marti was truly one of a kind though I never had a chance to meet him in the 'real world'. He often spoke (typed) in a strange and hard to understand language, but he always looked to the good and his first instinct was to help someone out if he was in a place to do so. I was always amazed at the stories and all the music shows he went to over the years. I cannot help but think of him any time I see a Hammond B3 and a Leslie speaker. And I also want to say that it was clear from his posts that he loved his wife and lived for her (and music).

I had him farkied (in part) as 'He shook his tail feather' and I'm happy to say that after spending some time searching a bunch of old threads, I found that post again and can post his pic here again. It was nice going through some of his old posts and I included some highlights of what I found that, at least in part, allows him to share some bits of who he was in his own words.

RIP Marti. You will definitely be missed around here and wherever you are I hope you're shaking your tail feather and boogieing to the music.

Marti shaking his tail feather after soon posting Shake Your Tail Feather again after the thread veered off into The Blues Brothers references

Fark user imageView Full Size


Marti talking about his love of music (and his wife):

You're killing me here man, love the Violent Femmes.  First real concert I ever saw was B52s with Violent Femmes in Nashville.  Caught em again in Knoxville a few years later.  Both amazing shows, the bass player kills me.  Please do not go was part of the motivation that led to me spending my high school job money on bass lessons.  This shiat is still in regular rotation in my household!
You haven't scratched the surface of my time in music (I live for it was a band manager by the very early '80s) So much stuff I can share thanks to the miracle of the internet, I'm looking for only the best though, If I can find one specific moment it'll be me and Ken Kesey looped out of our gourds right before he went on stage lol
The only thing I live for is live music and my wife (sadly maybe in that order)
/NO
//NOT IN THAT ORDER
///close tho


Barkalounger pic:

Fark user imageView Full Size


Marti in the movies:

There's a quote on that first page that makes me laugh, IF you watch REALLY closely you can see me in the the Johnny Depp version of Fear and Loathing.
The scene with the spinning wheel is shot right in front of a dice table I was working that day (they soaked the street to make it look like nighttime), reality it was like 2 PM
(i have a lot of random shiat i got extra kinda shiat in, that one wasn't even paid, just standard Horseshoe casino pay), still I can always spot myself in a cool movie

-
G-Ride


He had an exuberance of commenting style that always made me smile--a rambling flow that reminded me often of lyrics.

-Dallymo


Heard this song for the first time Sunday as i was driving home from Atlanta, heard it the second time Monday after I heard the news about Marti. I'm now never gonna be able to hear it again without thinking of Marti and his room with a view....

No matter how much the clock goes around
There's an aching pain
The sun goes up and the sun goes down
But it still feels the same
Your house is just some drywall now
Your parents moved away

I know you got a room with a view up there
And you're looking down on me
I know you got a room with a view up there
Please save a spot for me

It's been ten years without you
And all your friends have aged
Some got married and some had kids
And some just moved away
And there's a few that came to live with you
A few that are on the way

I know you got a room with a view up there
And you're looking down on me
I know you got a room with a view up there
Please save a spot for me

All the laughter that you missed out on
Tears in your name
Your brother and sister are doing great now
But your mother's never been the same
And your father's there to comfort them
On every happy holiday

I know you got a room with a view up there
And you're looking down on me
I know you got a room with a view up there
Please save a spot for me

I know you got a room
I know you got a room


Hope to see you there one day, so you can resume annoying the ever-loving shiat out of me. I miss you, buddy.

-stickmangrit


Marty was a unique breed of badass. He had a Pure Chaos Energy that I have only seen maybe once or twice before in my life, and those times the stars burned out too soon as well. He was always willing to help, lend a hand, lend an opinion, or offer support to this small and tightly knit community. Sometimes it was impossible to make heads or tails of what he was trying to say, creative genius can be like that. His musical talents and opinions are what we connected on the most, his jam session descriptions are the stuff of legend.

The man was a true Wild Card, the kind of person Hunter S. Thompson was writing about when he penned "There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die."

I look forward to having a beer with him when I get there. Until then, cheers Old Friend.

-Markoff_Cheney
· · ·


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