With the U.S. presidential election only a little over five months away, you'd expect it to be the chief cause of discord in the country. Last week, however, one topic rose to cause more arguments and anger than any other: the hot dog. It started when someone brought up the National Hot Dog Council's 2014 ruling that adults should never put ketchup on their hot dogs. Seeing this argument resurrected just before Memorial Day, Merriam-Webster decided to throw gasoline on the fire by claiming that a hot dog is a sandwich. At last count, four states have threatened to secede over these issues. May God have mercy on us all.


Comment Mentions

The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week

Memorial Day - 223
Barbecue/BBQ - 249
Hot dog - 272
Hotdog - 113
Ween - 4833
Bacon - 414

Comment Voting

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past seven days

Funniest:
Diogenes knew why a lawyer accepted sex as payment for legal representation
alizeran found that a desired Christian Mingle login was already taken
ox45tallboy has unwittingly created art
farkingismybusiness couldn't believe a movie and the sniper's story it was based on could both contain lies
Huntceet expressed discomfort with the wife's idea to spice up marital relations
LarryDan43 let us know how pilots stayed safe when dropping nuclear bombs
koder explained how Donald Trump discourages violence at his rallies
hi13760 shared a fat joke
AdolfOliverPanties provided a romantically-captioned photo of Casey Anthony with her lawyer
edmo shared a comment from an article about "puppy play"

Smartest:
Voiceofreason01 pointed out that Venezuela collapsed because it wasn't scrappy enough
texdent refused to live by society's rules
pueblonative sincerely felt that a phrase could take a hike
Eddie Adams from Torrance felt that there are worse things than archaic software
That Guy What Stole the Bacon thought there was a clue that Chris Kyle might not be a great guy
fusillade762 shared a graphic about the difference between a cult and a religion
wejash talked about how to start to change the country
aagrajag agreed with Facebook's rejection of an ad
doglover pointed out why a U.S. Air Force tactic wasn't stupid
timujin gave a reason for favoring Calvin and Hobbes over The Far Side

CSB Sunday Morning: "Unplanned home demos"

Smartest:  This ended with a tie between Lamberts Ho Man with a story about flooding the crawl space and TelemonianAjax's tale of Dad and maternal Grandpa remodeling a bathroom together
Funniest:  The Pope of Manwich Village shared an adorable story about a Mother's Day present

If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.

Politics Funniest:
Mr. Coffee Nerves knew how Donald Trump would build a seawall to protect a property from nonexistent global warming
Two Dogs Farking revealed the real way to make America great again
Two Dogs Farking shared a related political cartoon
Sandusky Knows Best answered a question about Hillary Clinton creating jobs
Pocket Ninja outlined the consequences of raising minimum wage

Politics Smartest:
aaronx pointed out that NRO is a reliable website
Weaver95 discussed the $5.7 billion generated by Disneyland Resorts each year
Cyberluddite had a suggestion for getting a debate to happen between Trump and Sanders
hobbes0022 thanked Disney for their job creation
kbronsito shared the prompt for the essay portion of this year's SATs


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
maxandgrinch showed a couple of lawyers in their natural habitat
Alligator created the new Nope Airlines
RedZoneTuba exposed the dangers of mall shopping
MortalComedy gave us a reason to believe in dog
grampy showed us that gold spray paint huffer guy was actually innocent
Danger Avoid Death found that the Bundy brothers continue the struggle
Surly U. Jest helped this woman put her legs on display
Don_cos gave this guy a really big heinie
Yammering_Splat_Vector made a flowing floral frock
RedZoneTuba added insult to injury

Farktography: Kenny B won Farktography Contest No. 577: "Onion Belt" with an old Texaco station

If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats

Saturday, June 25th: Chicago Fark Party
Wednesday, July 20th: 4th Annual Farks In The Wild at the Buffalo Zoo in NY
Wednesday, July 20th: W00tStout 4.0 Fark Party at Hop-Con in San Diego

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.


Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Unfreakable)

Verschlimmbesserung is the German word for "improvement that makes things worse." Or as we say in English, Microsoft

Six-month-old girl water skis across Florida lake. That's nothing, a two-month-old can skip across a lake if you've got a strong enough arm

Obtuse man jumps into Angle Lake, acute drowning ensues

Tests show that drivers can't accurately judge the speed of approaching trai

Things just keep getting worse for Fort McMurray fire evacuees

North Korea rejects Trump's offer to meet with Kim Jong Un, citing the ancient law that allows for only one egotistical dictator with a god complex in the country at a time

Surprise Johnson might leave a mark on election. This is not a repeat from 1996

The rest of them are here:  Headlines of the week for 5/22 - 5/28


Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by Unfreakable)

A pretty solid week for most of you, with all the scores on the Top 10 above 900, led by SoundOfOneHandWanking with 1016, followed by End_Of_Line with 975 and rrl with 940, pipping third place from Oakenraven, whose 938 wasn't quite enough this week.

There's room for better scores--highest theoretical score is 1100--so if you think you can beat them, go get your name on the list--give last Friday's quiz a shot here: Fark Weird News Quiz - May 27.

Last week, a baby bison accepted a ride from strangers, a woman discovered the secret to happiness in a Chewbacca mask, and the Canadian Prime Minister went all "Macho Man Savage" on a female politician - at least the way some people tell it. So sit back, knit some bison sweaters, and relive last week's outrages in this week's Fark NotNewsletter.

Comment Mentions

The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week

Bison - 236
Elbow - 192
Delegates - 783
Morley Safer - 22
Bacon - 278

Comment Voting

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past seven days

Funniest:
dookdookdook figured out why Kansas might have problems dealing with criminals
fusillade762 shared a helpful chart for comparing temperature scales
sigdiamond2000 described the simple path to financial stability
70Ford showed how to get a baby bison into your car
MaudlinMutantMollusk revealed the motives behind proposing strict laws for exotic dancers
nekom had a Rooneyesque reaction to Morley Safer's death
The Pope of Manwich Village posted an animated gif full of breasteses
JerseyTim shared a funny photo that hints at spoilers to last week's episode of "Game of Thrones"
70Ford revealed a bison's sad complaints
Danger Avoid Death told us a buffalo story
Harry_Seldon showed another Farker why you don't mention your mom on Fark

Smartest:
rzrwiresunrise commented on the most ridiculous overreaction to a dress that doesn't involve an argument about what colors it is
sigdiamond2000 explained what the Confederate flag symbolizes
TuteTibiImperes compared weather reporter fashion
HawgWild described the proper handling of complaints about a TV reporter's outfit
kbronsito explained why a Tor developer wasn't just being paranoid
ArkAngel guessed at who complained about a woman's gym attire
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat added to sigdiamond2000's explanation of Confederate flag symbolism
vegas_greaser thought some people needed to chill the fark out
jso2897 agreed with some limits to gun rights
DOCTORD000M didn't think a proposed explanation excused a cop's actions

CSB Sunday Morning: "8th grade dance"

Smartest:  koder is probably really going to hate being mentioned here
Funniest:  daRog wondered about the topic for the week

If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.

Politics Funniest:
mrshowrules shared a tweet where Donald Trump replied to a Farker's criticism
Deveyn knew what a politician had been up to
Eclectic set another Farker straight
CipollinaFan chastised some people for being worse than Hitler
KarmicDisaster had some encouraging words for Texas

Politics Smartest:
UberDave explained Nate Silver's wizard powers
Weaver95 saw bad things in store for the Democratic Party
Weaver95 thought a religious group was becoming extreme
docpeteyJ discussed the danger of hatred
nmrsnr dissected an argument against science


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Ldrtchbrd showed a problem that affects millions of people every day
whyRpeoplesostupid found the perfect friend for a paper tiger
Herb Utsmelz demonstrated why you don't want to let the internet give you a makeover
Alligator helped this astronaut draw a self portrait
Yammering_Splat_Vector put us to sleep with this Photoshop
Yammering_Splat_Vector found a brave protestor
Octafrye showed us where Popeye went when he was done sailing the seas
wickedfish gave us a dangerous young boffin
Pure Weapons-Grade Bolonium combined science and nature to make a complicated lawnmower
redmax showed us someone who needs to go back to flight school

Farktography:  Warthog won Farktography Contest No. 576: "Let's Get Personal" with a bubbly selfie

If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats

Saturday, June 25th: Chicago Fark Party
Wednesday, July 20th: 4th Annual Farks In The Wild at the Buffalo Zoo in NY
Wednesday, July 20th: W00tStout 4.0 Fark Party at Hop-Con in San Diego

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.


Headlines of the Week (brought to you this week by Two Dogs Farking)

Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybellween (link not safe for work)

Cutting crew finds woman's body off interstate, and ooooAHHH she just died in your arms tonight

"Ever wanted to lick your cat?" "No." "Meet LickiBrush, the-" "No." "-new way to bond with-" "I said no." "-your furry friend without risk of-" "Stop." "-hairballs and-" "I DON'T WANT TO LICK MY CAT"

Kobe Bryant's new shoes from Nike are called "The Black Mamba." He declines to actively market them, making it the first time in his career that he's actually going to pass

Johns Hopkins University says its medical school will no longer use live animals to train students. Hopefully they'll go back to the old way of training students using qualified professors

Meet Arizona's No. 2 TV reporter

"Why Hillary won't blow it," an article oddly not written by Bill Clinton

The rest of them are here:  Headlines of the week for 5/15 to 5/21


Weird News Quiz Results ( brought to you this week by Two Dogs Farking)

Looks like this week's quiz was a little tougher than last week's, with just three people answering all 10 questions correctly so far. Of course, they're also the current top 3 and only three members of this week's 1000 Club: mama2tnt with 1029, caddisfly with 1017, and mutterfark with 1010.

The highest theoretical score is 1100, so if you think you can beat them, give last Friday's quiz a shot here: Fark Weird News Quiz - May 20, 2016

It seems like so many things are changing: Kids are going to prom and graduating this time of year,  June weddings are happening soon, Budweiser is (temporarily) renaming itself "America," and America is looking to change its name in response so as to not be associated with a crappy beer. "Country McCountface" was suggested, but it's been eliminated as an option for being both derivative and probably obscene.


Comment Mentions

The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week

Budweiser - 70
John Miller - 26
Prom - 606
Wedding - 374
Graduation - 102
Bacon - 463


Comment Voting

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past seven days

Funniest:
Weedlord Bonerhitler did not appreciate a rumor
ablank shared a philosophy about lying to children
ralphjr shared some famous last words, according to Fark
whither_apophis gave examples of the traditional Catholic dress code
weigelt sang about a beswastikaed Corvette
Pazuzu Smith-Jones had a question about Weedlord Bonerhiter's background
rcain found Donald Trump's running mate
Snarfangel was moved to song by a roided-out body builder
RickN99 gave another Farker advice for a wedding gift
hardinparamedic shared some thoughts about bathroom time at work

Smartest:
HotWingConspiracy made an observation about extremist politicians
docpeteyJ reacted to rumors that Caitlyn Jenner might de-transition
Benevolent Misanthrope commented on a school that wouldn't allow a student to wear a tux to the prom
Bootysama appreciated a parental lie
Mr. Coffee Nerves found it inconceivable that a common word keeps being misused
Bith Set Me Up shared some wisdom from Superman
Doktor_Zhivago had a suggestion for a guy who panicked after killing two people
Fank blamed some violence on superstition
Psychopusher had a suggestion for faith-based treatment programs
Voiceofreason01 didn't like an article's author

CSB Sunday Morning: "Yo mama"
Smartest:  J Noble Daggett shared the story of a psychic ex-mother-in-law
Funniest:  brap told us about a Mother's Day surprise that went too far

If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.

Politics Funniest:
Pocket Ninja had a prediction about the presidential election
Non Sequitur Man had another "Don't tread on me" flag for your collection
Mr. Coffee Nerves suggested a name for a political party for evangelical Christians
The Goddamn Batman showed one of God's miracles
scottydoesntknow showed what happens when a school Community is armed with pepper spray

Politics Smartest:
Eclectic pointed out the real cost of discriminatory laws
incendi had a message for religious people who feel like they've lost their voice in the presidential race
Lionel Mandrake thought that some people were projecting their desires onto atheists
enry thought paying more in taxes could be worth it
shanrick shared a question about Donald Trump's supporters


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Circusdog320 created a flavor that cannot be named for "Photoshop Challenge: Unsuccessful Ben & Jerry's flavors"
stertz cut the speech short in "Photoshop this public address"
whyRpeoplesostupid gave us something to roll around in our mouths for "Photoshop Theme: If America did sweets like the Japanese"
Danger Avoid Death brought some North Korean flavor to "Photoshop Challenge: Unsuccessful Ben & Jerry's flavors"
Danger Avoid Death made a flavor for Trump fans for "Photoshop Challenge: Unsuccessful Ben & Jerry's flavors"
Danger Avoid Death added a taste of Russia to "Photoshop Challenge: Unsuccessful Ben & Jerry's flavors"
Don_cos went Lucy-goosey with the definition of "modern" in "Photoshop a modern use for this classic building"
wickedfish got wicked with this fish in "Photoshop this happy ray"
wickedfish found this cloud getting up to mischief in "Photoshop this cloud somewhere useful"
redmax showed what a Kardashian probably would do in this circumstance in "Photoshop this celebrity selfie time"

Farktography:  MorningBreath won Farktography Contest No. 575: "Happy Farktography Anniversary 11" with a reflecting feathered friend

If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.

TotalFark Discussion

Oh hey, how about if we highlight some posts from TotalFark Discussion here? Sorry, non-TotalFarkers, only TotalFarkers will be able to see these posts.

Funny:  Aarontology had some help from a Fark filter when suggesting a polite way to decline a request to switch seats on a plane
Funny:  Incorrigible Astronaut wished a happy Mother's Day to that special someone
Smart:  Current Resident knew how to handle a suspicious discovery


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats

Wednesday, July 20th: 4th Annual Farks In The Wild at the Buffalo Zoo in NY
Wednesday, July 20th: W00tStout 4.0 Fark Party at Hop-Con in San Diego

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.


Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Unfreakable)

Man gets penis stuck in wrench. Serves him right; those are only supposed to be used on nuts

Here is someone new to sue now. Will GOOG choose to sue Sue Googe now? Or will Google see the Seussing of the Sue Googe? Suessers do, sirs. Mix the fonts, Sue? I won't do it. I can't say it, I won't sue it

After a year of testing, LAPD finds Tesla impractical as a police cruiser, returns all cars at no charge

Wildfire that started in Mexico has now crossed over into the US. This kind of thing won't happen once Trump is president

'Gingerbread man' taunts police while fleeing, apparently not understanding how fast police will run after an escaping pastry

Archaeologists find 50,000 year-old axe. No word if it still reeks of teenage desperation and gyms

Not a great day for those with friggatriskaidekaphobia - of course not to be confused with kjahfjkajklhfbalsfbaphobia which is the irrational fear of falling asleep on your keyboard

The rest of them are here:  Headlines of the week for  5/8 - 5/14


Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by Unfreakable)

It seems like whenever the quizmasters get a bit of time away, the Farkers coming back like to absolutely crush the new one. That absolutely happened last week when the new quiz came out and five separate people made the 1000 Club the same week. The top score was 1023 by gunsmack, but there was a three-way tie for second place with Pinky in the Brain, notyoucoach and mutterfark in a photo finish with 1016, edging Oliver Twisted a split second behind at 1006. Ouch.

There's room for better scores--highest theoretical score is 1100--so if you think you can beat them, go get your name on the list--give last Friday's quiz a shot here:  Fark Weird News Quiz - May 13.

Sorry the Fark NotNewsletter is late this week. I know you were wondering if I was drunk, hungover, abducted by aliens, stuck in my chair, hiking the Appalachian Trail, arrested, or if I just forgot. The truth is, I needed some time to regroup after I ended my campaign to get my punchable face into the White House. It really is a shame... that seems like a pretty sweet house.

Comment Mentions

The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week

Presumptive nominee - 77
Philippines - 20
McCrory - 89
London - 191
Bacon - 459


Comment Voting

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past seven days

Funniest:
Weaver95 identified the terror group that a mathematician belongs to
a particular individual could see why an airline passenger was suspicious
Pocket Ninja posted a totally legit comment about working as a woman in a video rental store
dj_bigbird explained why math is dangerous
iron de havilland posted another version of the yellow snakey flag
Uchiha_Cycliste had advice for answering people who ask why you dumped your incesty ex
Pocket Ninja shared the secret for scoring an obscure party drug
Shostie revealed what happened to the snake
stpauler suggested a different approach for the sister lover's ex
ralphjr found the bright side of a bad situation

Smartest:
Magorn pointed out a big problem with government agencies
dj_bigbird explained why math is dangerous
reillan found the main lesson to be learned from the Choctaw Nation helping the Irish during the Potato Famine
BizarreMan listed some reasons for a small town to say no to growth
MaudlinMutantMollusk saw a larger meaning to a mathematician's flight ordeal
Kouta listed the problems with delaying flights on account of twisted panties
a particular individual could see why an airline passenger was suspicious
Biscuit Tin explained why a Christian student was kicked out of a graduate program
Magorn shared some information about the Irish Potato Famine
Gordon Bennett tried to clear up some confusion about an arrest

CSB Sunday Morning: "Late Night at the Quick Stop"
Smartest:   gordian shared some great stories about working in bookstores
Funniest:   ret pally radio told us about some freaks in the Sheetz

If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.

Politics Funniest:
MacEnvy suggested an updated campaign slogan for Ted Cruz
Snarfangel appreciated that Republicans were planning for the future
Bathia_Mapes revealed what Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina were thinking
Etchy333 stated the problem with confirming Obama's Supreme Court pick
shower_in_my_socks saw history repeating itself

Politics Smartest:
Eclectic listed more reasons to be opposed to North Carolina's HB2 law
Karac found reasons not having to do with bumper stickers for a tow truck driver to have money problems
TheGrayCat thought someone was a big fat liar
StubhyGraham thought Ted Cruz could use a reminder
Lionel Mandrake decided on some long presidential terms or something


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
wickedfish made a touching entry for "Today's Photoshop theme: Something patriotic"
Pure Weapons-Grade Bolonium ignored the five-second rule in "Photoshop theme: Lesser miracles"
I don't know what to say about this neat 'shop from Yammering_Splat_Vector in "Photoshop this unusual sunrise"
#2 showed a war from a long time ago for "Today's Photoshop theme: Something patriotic"
that1guy77 created a truly disturbing scene for "Photoshop this passion from within"
zeon revealed some strange activity in "Photoshop this cover up"
Circusdog320 showed someone who was a salted in "Photoshop this perfect peanut"
Alligator found a familiar driver in "Photoshop this New York City icon"
idrow found a target for Ted Cruz's wrath in "Photoshop this passion from within"
wickedfish brought a cab driver back for "Photoshop this New York City icon"

Farktography:   CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 574: "Silhouettes 3" with "Picnic at dawn's creation"

If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


FarkStaff Picks

Sometimes some great posts go largely unnoticed, usually because they're in less-visited threads or they're far down in the comments.  Occasionally, we'll bring you some of those posts as FarkStaff Picks.

This week's pick comes to you from UNC_Samurai, who explained how injuries and roster decisions made by senior management disrupted team chemistry and frustrated Jeff Davis throughout the finals.

Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats

Wednesday, July 20th: 4th Annual Farks In The Wild at the Buffalo Zoo in NY

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.


Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Unfreakable)

Repeat from 1985. Speeding driver found with drugs and $11K in cash. This is a

Workers in Spain unearth MCCC pounds of Roman coins

East African Coral reefs struggling, now harder to see shells in Seychelles by the sea shore

Cavs set NBA record with 25 made three-pointers in stomping of Hawks. Last time people from Ohio laid waste to Atlanta like this, the Union won the Civil War

Huge trove of fossils found in Antarctica, including remnants of plesiosaurs, mosasaurs, a Siberian husky, multiple humans, and a detached head with eight spindly legs

Baywatch star is now engaged to a girl nearly hoff his age

'Boaty McBoatface' to be renamed RRS Sir David Attenborough. Because sometimes the public votes for something totally asinine and you just have to put your foot down and say NO. Your move, Republicans

The rest of them are here:  Headlines of the week for   5/1 - 5/7


 Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by Unfreakable)

With the Fark Quizmasters catching up after a non-week, it seemed the Farkers were ready for this week's quiz. Not a single score of the top ten were below 900, with UnrepentantApostate commanding the top spot and punching his ticket to the 1000 Club with an impressive 1022, followed closely by abhorrent1 at 996 and FrancoFile with a very respectable 953.

There's room for better scores--highest theoretical score is 1100--so if you think you can beat them, go get your name on the list--give last Friday's quiz a shot here: Fark Weird News Quiz - May 6.

Beyoncé or Boehner? On the one hand, Beyoncé can fill an album with enough anger to rip the country apart, but Boehner will let God-fearing Republicans know that a vote for you is a vote for Satan himself. It's possible, though, that Beyoncé and Boehner both have secret motives-- maybe Beyoncé just wants to surreptitiously take down an annoying TV chef, and Boehner has just gone full tomato and wants a fellow carrot-American to take the White House.


Comment Mentions

The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week

Lucifer - 141
Gas mask - 15
Tunsil - 141
Beyoncé - 123
Lemonade - 57
Bacon - 365

Comment Voting

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past seven days

Funniest:
dahmers love zombie shared a sad movie about snackless men
doyner found an overlooked technicality
markie_farkie thought some colors looked familiar
HawgWild discovered an attraction to Rachel Ray
RadiomanATL shared a protesting snake
BizarreMan had a solution for when you're not allowed to bring an item onto a plane
HailRobonia had a request in a sea creature thread
skinink told us how to tell a bee from a wasp
davidphogan shared another take on the Bundy saga
Pocket Ninja knew the real problem with the F-35 program

Smartest:
Sgt Otter posted an updated cast of characters for the Bundy militia group
Glitchwerks had a question about the Beyonce/Jay-Z/Lemonade drama
jake_lex pointed out something about people "swatting" each other
Captain Steroid shared some words of wisdom from Jon Stewart
ecmoRandomNumbers found something more grotesque than a silly counter-protest
fusillade762 saved you a click so you won't run out
Hobodeluxe quoted the article
eKonk discussed forbidding the use of anatomical words in schools
omnibus_necanda_sunt quoted the Bible in an abortion thread
Pocket Ninja laid out the process for handling taxes collected for schools

CSB Sunday Morning: "Cooking disasters"
Smartest:   trialpha found reasons to have trust issues
Funniest:   gordian's cat put on a show for dinner guests

If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.

Politics Funniest:
LesserEvil shared probably the all-time best story about Ted Cruz
Mike_LowELL stood up for an oppressed group of people in North Carolina
ArkPanda mentioned one effect of Fiorina being Cruz's running mate
fusillade762 reacted to news about Ted Cruz with disbelief
simplicimus gave hope to a fellow Farker

Politics Smartest:
Pocket Ninja had feelings about the new IDGAF version of John Boehner
ox45tallboy refuted some arguments defending North Carolina's bathroom bill
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat actually read the article
hubiestubert recommended to keep farking that chicken
hubiestubert talked about the nearly universal revulsion to Ted Cruz


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
zeon stirred up a storm for "Photoshop this dark cloud on the horizon"
Geordles saw a familiar gang in "Photoshop these Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade watchers, 1969"
grampydiscovered what a former politician is up to in "Photoshop this sexual tension"
DrPainMD found a more confident date for this woman in "Photoshop this sexual tension"
Alligator gave Fearless Leader a new style in "Photoshop this learning moment"
redmax hatched a horror movie in "Photoshop this incredible, edible egg"
wickedfish went the mature route (I laughed) in "Photoshop this release"
noazark found a rather large beachgoer in "Photoshop this dark cloud on the horizon"
redmax revealed an important document in "Photoshop these vintage nerds and their hardware"
manyone brought this couple closer together in "Photoshop this sexual tension"

Farktography:   CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 573: "Tangled Up 2" with "Detail from 'Fireworks of Glass'"

If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


TotalFark Discussion

Oh hey, how about if we highlight some posts from TotalFark Discussion here? Sorry, non-TotalFarkers, only TotalFarkers will be able to see these posts.

Funny:   Wanebo answered another Farker's question about the Prince Albert
Smart:   Doktor_Zhivago was correct
Smart:   Ironically, One Bad Apple is incorrect for the most part in this smart-voted comment


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats

Saturday, May 7th: San Francisco Fark Party
Wednesday, July 20th: 4th Annual Farks In The Wild at the Buffalo Zoo in NY

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.


Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Unfreakable)

World's tiniest cell phone is very popular with prison inmates, who are buying buttloads of them

Soldier dies after running marathon. This is not a repeat from 490 BCE

Texas man purloins steaks, has beef with cops leading to high-speed chase. Police use flanking maneuvers and attempt to T-bone suspect before he's finally cut off. Strip search reveals evidence

Disney cruise ship rescues three federal fugitives at sea. Must now choose between working in diamond mine, being trapped in a lamp or being turned into pumpkins as punishment

Tiger Woods says he "feels good" after the first few holes this year. That's all good and fine but, what about his golf game?

The Omen is getting a prequel, presumably called The Cmen from a Dmen and where it Kmen

Taint to endorse asshole

The rest of them are here:  Headlines of the week for 4/24 - 4/30


Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by Unfreakable)

For the second time in a month, we had a week where all of the quiz writers just got busy at the same time [Editor's note: Awwww, yeah]. While this is rare, it does happen on occasion and I'm sorry for those of you that really look forward to it every week.

That being said, we could always use some Farkers that would like to participate on this side of the quiz. The more the merrier. My email is in my profile.

A note from Drew Curtis:

So - one week later after our website design tweaks, how did it go?  One consistent comment I've received is "too much empty space" - and I agree, not to worry we're going to be doing something about that soon.  Namely plastering it with advertising... no not really.

I've got a few ideas about what to do with the space - and if you're a TotalFark subscriber, you'll get a chance to test them out first.  Nothing huge, just some more minor tweaks here and there.  Thanks for bearing with us.  And I should also thank Facebook, whose site redesigns are so disruptive they make anything we ever even contemplate doing look minuscule in comparison.

Also of note - we're trying a new thing over on the FarkUs tab.  FarkUs was supposed to be the community social tab but it never quite took off. This is mainly my fault - I have a habit of launching half-baked ideas to see what they turn into, sometimes it works (Photoshop contests), sometimes it doesn't (Fark travel database / curry recipe submissions).

So what's our new idea for FarkUs? Every few hours, a script grabs 3-5 random TotalFark Discussion links from the thousands submitted over the past 15 years, copies the taglines (and submitter) and resubmits them as possible FarkUs threads. Fark admins review them in the queue and decide if they're good to post on the FarkUs tab.  The main thing we're keeping an eye out for is not posting is discussion topics that have gone out of date - I saw one randomly-selected discussion roll by today that was about cell phone models from 2009.  That kind of topic wouldn't make any sense - however if a topic both makes no sense and is still funny, we might push it through anyhow.  We're also putting our Live discussion threads on the FarkUs tab, so if you're interested in contributing thread ideas, submit a link and tag it FarkUs and we'll take a look at it. And thanks!


Comment Mentions

The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week

Prince - 1755
Purple - 425
7/11 - 38
Harriet Tubman - 128
Bacon - 367

Comment Voting

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past seven days

Funniest:
James! had a question about Prince's passing
orrinbloquy explained the cause of many deaths
Raging Thespian referenced the time when Prince didn't have a name
12349876 suggested a different name for Boaty McBoatface
Danger Avoid Death honored an epic Fark thread
Limp_Bisquick joked about Prince's funeral
RedT broke some news
Kouta showed that a request wasn't honored
Exception Collection said goodbye to a musician
harleyquinnical listed some musicians we still have

Smartest:
dinch placed blame for another death
UNC_Samurai discussed a show that Prince did
doglover suggested one way to deal with zero tolerance policies
Shadow Blasko asked why children have a legal obligation that police officers don't
Pocket Ninja pointed out that someone was being even scummier than payday lenders
rcf1105 bid farewell to Prince
kbronsito wondered if a method for lowering healthcare prices could be expanded
carnifex2005 shared a tribute to Prince
meow said the dog thought an expectation was unreasonable
Utter Genius appreciated Fark's longevity

CSB Sunday Morning: "Battles with Confidence"
Smartest:   hubiestubert shared a story about moving on after divorce
Funniest:   RNADOM shared a tale about losing a bit of confidence

If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.

Politics Funniest:
Lenny_da_Hog showed how it might look if Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump teamed up
wejash figured out why Republicans might mislead musicians to get them to the convention
Nabb1 summed up arguments about a "wall" put up at a University to highlight immigration policy issues
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat knew what Big Gay is
davidphogan showed Donald Trump's reaction to winning the New York primary

Politics Smartest:
RexTalionis had some words about the fighting going on between Democrats
Earguy commented on the idea of Big Gay having more power than the NRA
timujin pointed out that "having a good dialogue" wasn't always a priority
jwa007 suggested a better term than "Big Gay"
alaric3 wanted to know how much money we all make


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
manyone showed these fellows signaling their approval in "Photoshop theme: What would life be like today if the internet had never been developed?"
Herr Docktor Heinrich Wisenheimer knew we'd still have the important things in "Photoshop theme: What would life be like today if the internet had never been developed?"
Alligator paid tribute to a famous Australian for "Photoshop Challenge: Improve Australia's new $5 note"
Pure Weapons-Grade Bolonium found replacements for several websites in "Photoshop theme: What would life be like today if the internet had never been developed?"
wickedfish put this jump where it makes more sense for "Photoshop this public stunt"
StainedGlassRuby showed a very bad idea in "Photoshop this gentle man"
redmax found a new job for Mark Zuckerberg in "Photoshop theme: What would life be like today if the internet had never been developed?"
wickedfish found an artistic use for this gown in "Photoshop this red-dressed Blanchett"
RedZoneTuba found a friend for this funny guy for "Photoshop this public stunt"
Yammering_Splat_Vector took a trip back in time in "Photoshop this presidential playroom"

Farktography:  Elsinore won Farktography Contest No. 572: "Artsy-Fartsy 2" with this stretchy drip

If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Farking Tip (brought to you this week by toraque)

Are you a published writer looking for more exposure? Are you a novice author, looking for a place to be published? Are you a writer who doesn't even care if you're in print or not, but want to help out a good cause? For all of the above, there's . . .

Tales from the Fark Side!

TALES FROM THE FARK SIDE is a short fiction anthology we're putting together for the upcoming Fark Book Fair, with all proceeds going to benefit the excellent St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. We're looking for the best short fiction the writers of Fark can come up.  Do you have a gripping tale of intrigue, a fantastic story of magical beasts, or a heart-stopping account of the eldritch horrors that lurk between the threads in the politics tab? You've got what we're looking for!

We're accepting science fiction, fantasy, horror, humor or mystery/thriller submissions of 1,500 to 15,000 words in length. These can be short stories or stand-alone excerpts from longer works, even if you've already published them.  We'll be open for submissions until June 15, and we'll be publishing the best on Amazon e-books, Amazon Kindle Unlimited and (hopefully) Amazon print on demand for physical bound copies.

Interested?  If you are, check out the terms and conditions, and then send us what you've got on this page:

TalesFromTheFarkSide

Good luck!


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats

Wednesday, July 20th: 4th Annual Farks In The Wild at the Buffalo Zoo in NY

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.


Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Unfreakable)

Teen electrocuted performing Jacob's Ladder experiment he saw on YouTube, leaves behind family, friends, a lingering smell

Rap video shooting interrupts rap video shooting

Man connected to organized crime killed by sni--

Science discovers what many men already knew: Freddie Mercury had an incredible throat

"Journalism has an editing crisis." EVERYBOYD PANC

7/11 was a part time job

Spoiler alert: it blows up on the last episode

The rest of them are here:  Headlines of the week for 4/17 - 4/23


Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by Unfreakable)

Well, it was one hell of a week for the Farkers taking the quiz, with four people cracking the 1000 Club and everybody else on the list breaking 900. Solid. Doing well wasn't enough this week, as the top scores were  coscausticevil with 1016, edging both   QifutuWahuta at 1012 and  caddisfly at 1010. In any other week, the score of 1004 by  bratface might be at the top of the list, but not this time.

There's room for better scores--highest theoretical score is 1100--so if you think you can beat them, go get your name on the list--give last Friday's quiz a shot here:Fark Weird News Quiz - April 22.

Here's Drew to explain the newest changes on Fark:

So, we're making some changes to Fark's site layout.  We launched these changes just for TotalFark about a month ago.  The changes will go live for the rest of you in just a few minutes.

The changes aren't super huge but I expect there'll be some head scratching so let me explain where we're going with this...

Certain design elements used on websites drift over time.  This has a lot to do with how default settings change as a codebase evolves along with changes in screen resolution size.  Every so often we have to retroactively change the layout to account for these changes.

In particular, lately there's been a shift in design standards from using plaintext words to explain functionality to instead using standard symbols.  To that end, we're replacing text with symbols whenever possible to reduce overall wordiness in Fark's layout.

- We're replacing comments numbers on the main page, currently displayed as (111), with a talk bubble with a red circle updating the number of new comments since the thread was last visited.

- The other change is we're locking the display area for text on Fark to just a little over 850 characters.  If the screen expands beyond that width, rather than stretching the text out as far as the window goes we're locking the size of the comment area.  This is done on (nearly) all other desktop-rendering websites.

Where this change came from: Really long lines of text on Fark were bugging me for some reason.  Then I noticed no one else's content areas stretch infinitely either. Turns out there are a couple reasons for this:

- When Fark started, the average monitor resolution was 800x600.  At that resolution, it doesn't really matter if text scrolled all the way across the screen or not. Today, Farkers' -average- monitor resolution is 1300+ and many more readers have higher resolutions

- Turns out there's an area of design based on typesetting techniques going back to before the 20th century even.  Most people prefer a line length of 65-80 characters. Some people prefer longer, but once text line length goes over 100 characters it turns out the average person's ability to absorb meaning from lines of text drops as the line gets longer.  I'd never heard of this either 'til I stumbled across it.  Some people aren't affected at all by this, but in general, long lines of text are just hard to read and comprehend.

Like everything, try this new change out for a week and see how it goes.  We can always back it out and/or change things later.


Comment Mentions

The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week

Locker room - 115
Bathroom - 1258
Tax day - 44
Audit - 211
Saudi Arabia - 119
Bacon- 631

Comment Voting

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past seven days

Funniest:
Chris Ween posted a complaint about being insulted for clothing choices
Pocket Ninja explained why schools have dress codes for girls
Pocket Ninja questioned "Affluenza Teen's" accommodations in jail
gopher321 knew what was in the kitchen of the chef who didn't wash his hands
brap was feeling romantic
I_Am_Weasel pointed out why support dogs are a sham
calbert mocked the melanin challenged
Danger Avoid Death showed some Starbucks cup fails (be sure to scroll to the end)
I_Am_Weasel shared a satisfying workout routine
mama2tnt told about facing discrimination for breastfeeding

Smartest:
hubiestubert had words of wisdom for some dirtbag parents
420Gabriel was butthurt over people being butthurt
ecmoRandomNumbers had advice for people who tell other people to smile
August11 told a story about learning how to treat women
EvilElecBlanket thought a child actor could claim something nobody else could
propasaurus thought someone had a strange reaction
jchic thought some people's time and effort could be better spent elsewhere
Pazuzu Smith-Jones shared some observations about straight women at gay bars
Trivia Jockey offered a changed version of another Farker's post
ragekage discussed how wealthy people live in a different world

CSB Sunday Morning: "First adult decision"
Smartest:digitalrain shared a story about getting away from a real monster
Funniest:Brawndo told about standing up for a community that had been wronged

If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.


Politics Funniest:
timujin made as good an argument as any in favor of paranoid bathroom laws
Bathia_Mapes shared a tweet that proves that Ted Cruz has changed his position
Felito Cruz showed us someone who has a better work ethic than the U.S. Senate
LoneWolf343 found some interesting debate footage
snocone had a suggestion for handling the lawyers who represented Kim Davis and are responsible for the new "bathroom bills"

Politics Smartest:
Eclectic discussed the effects of laws that discriminate against trans people
Delta1212 wasn't impressed by a claim made in an article
timujin requested a new feature on Fark
Ambivalence had a better suggestion for preventing sexual assaults
Bloody William thought that a website was part of the answer to its own question


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Herb Utsmelz had a screwball entry for "Photoshop this orchid"
wickedfish found a predatory flower in "Photoshop this orchid"
RedZoneTuba did as requested for "Photoshop this Picard maneuver"
Alligator revealed the source of the fog in "Photoshop what's hiding in the mist below"
RedZoneTuba found out why a cowboy would stand on his horse in "Photoshop this cowboy who is outstanding in his field"
Ldrtchbrd shared one weird trick for cleaning things in "Photoshop theme: Fake 'life hacks'"
StainedGlassRuby prepared for battle in "Photoshop this feline ferocity"
Dumski showed a store getting mobbed in "Photoshop this hipster who's clearly out of line"
Thrakkorzog shared the secret for smelling good all day in "Photoshop theme: Fake 'life hacks'"
RedZoneTuba showed Einstein's greatest challenge in "Photoshop this Einstein"

Farktography:   CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 571: "It's Complementary" with a photo of a "rocket fin at sunrise auto show"

If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats

Wednesday, July 20th: 4th Annual Farks In The Wild at the Buffalo Zoo in NY

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.


Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Unfreakable)


Airline passenger tries to smuggle live birds in his pants, is caught live tweeting


Suicide at golf course leaves hole in one


Text-to-911 service goes live in Wayne County, allowing anyone who needs help to inform authorities that they're being shot at by a man with a gnu


Warriors win their 72nd game of the season. Local hardware store is accused of gold spray paint price gouging


Expendable crew module attached to space station for those red shirted crew members. Oh, "expandable." Never mind


The Donald Trump of newspapers endorses the New York Post of candidates


Cracked.com acquired for $39 million by Scripps. Purchase price could easily be paid in a lump sum, but instead will be split into two parts


The rest of them are here:  Headlines of the week for 4/10 - 4/16

It's been an eventful week. While many people were watching BuzzFeed torture a watermelon and SpaceX accomplish one of the most exciting feats since NASA faked the moon landing, the world's wealthy and powerful fretted over the Panama Papers and realized that maybe the normals are onto something with all this "right to privacy" and "data encryption" talk. Meanwhile, entertainers are canceling shows in states that are worried about which bathroom everyone's using, and I still haven't done my taxes.

Comment Mentions

The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week

Panama Papers - 192
SpaceX - 67
Springsteen - 99
Taxes - 715
Watermelon - 19
Hairy - 191
Bacon - 315

Comment Voting

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past seven days

Funniest:
Bith Set Me Up answered the question, "What do you call 20,000 lesbians in a desert oasis?"
Solid State Vittles had a different answer for that question
ZAZ profiled some bees
PoweredByIrony had a message for younger people
bearded clamorer was the perfect person to post this response
bearded clamorer shared a dog's thoughts
ScaryBottles had a message for older people
texdent shared Mark Hamill's comment on the next Star Wars movie
hobbes0022 explained how everyone was wrong to laugh at a hipster
darthaegis described the problem with dirty videos nowadays

Smartest:
jmr61 pointed out that circumstances have changed
Arbitrator drafted a different letter to millennials
PoweredByIrony had a message for younger people
fusillade762 shared a relevant tweet
ScaryBottles had a message for older people
Danger Avoid Death talked about how much a house's price has risen
what_now had a message for the Dildonians
Kumana Wanalaia shared some advice for millennials
Xhan had a message for the person who wrote the message to millennials
FlashHarry noticed something about white supremacists

CSB Sunday Morning: "Sibling injuries"
Smartest:ElizaDoolittle doesn't smell anymore
Funniest:doglover won the sibling wars... or maybe not

If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.


Politics Funniest:
lindalouwho found a small problem with a definition
Doctor Funkenstein told us about the Pantsuit Patdown
propasaurus made it into the top three with this comment
Delta1212 explained why anti-LGBT laws aren't really killing jobs
GooberMcFly asked for help in fighting an evil company

Politics Smartest:
Astorix had a theory about people who never have fun
nekom just wanted you to enjoy a delicious taco
hubiestubert thought that young GOP delegates learned something
Lionel Mandrake had a good laugh
Mr. Coffee Nerves thought some young Republicans should have studied more


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTubashowed what's weighing on a lot of people in "Photoshop a millennial's view of the corporate world"
RedZoneTuba found an old friend at work in "Photoshop this buffet line. Difficulty: no soylent green"
Yammering_Splat_Vector switched to a more educational book in "Photoshop these terrible eyes and terrible claws"
grampy seemed to really just want a robot in "Photoshop theme: If only there were such an app"
Don_cos created a very confusing phone case for "Photoshop theme - design an interesting cell phone back case"
Alligator found a perfect couple in "Photoshop this lady and her babies"
maxandgrinch took us to the battlezone in "Photoshop this POV"
Yammering_Splat_Vector served something considerably less appetizing in "Photoshop this buffet line. Difficulty: no soylent green"
Yammering_Splat_Vector picked a fresh design for "Photoshop theme - design an interesting cell phone back case"
stertz revealed a secret message in "Photoshop this blank billboard"

Farktography:   Farktography Contest No. 570: "Same Stuff, Different Day" ended in a tie betweenQueen Mab's spectacles and CiliarySpasm's stunt nose

If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats

Wednesday, July 20th: 4th Annual Farks In The Wild at the Buffalo Zoo in NY

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.


Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Unfreakable)

Lesbos to be visited by Pope Francis in what has to be the worst blind-dating matchup of all time

Study finds millennials are more vulnerable to scams than any other age group, including seniors. In other news, anyone want to buy an artisanal, hand-crafted, eco-friendly, cruelty free bridge? You guys should like it, it's even in Brooklyn

Let me play for you the song of my poophole

Man who had a stroke running in a marathon says he's got half a mind to run in another one

Scientists create artificial skin with hair follicles and sweat glands, are now just waiting for the T-800 endoskeleton from Cyberdyne Systems

Socialist Jew to speak at Vatican. HE HAS RISEN

Mattel's Fisher Price names new creative director. The position was recommended for adults age 45-52

The rest of them are here:  Headlines of the week for 4/3 - 4/9


Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by Unfreakable)

After last week's total insanity, it felt good to get back into the normal rhythm, and the Farkers were ready right out of the gate, led by UnrepentantApostate breaking into the 1000 club with 1019, followed at a distance by dj_bigbird with 935, and Subtonic with 901. Nobody else broke 900, so well played.

There's room for better scores--highest theoretical score is 1100--so if you think you can beat them, go get your name on the list--give last Friday's quiz a shot here: Fark Weird News Quiz - April 8.

We're in that special part of the election cycle where the two major parties are eating their own more than they're going after each other. In this cannibalistic frenzy, a common accusation is that various people and organizations are "in the tank" for certain candidates. I looked it up, and it turns out that it doesn't mean that they're in imaginary fish tanks or going to war in military tanks, which is frankly disappointing. It shouldn't be surprising that the phrase "in the tank" was flying around during the 2008 election, as well, and some articles were written about it. Turns out it was originally a sports metaphor for taking a dive, but its meaning has evolved to the point that it's now being used for sports in an entirely different way.


Comment Mentions

The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week

April fool - 349
Curry favor - 12
In the tank - 55
Religious liberty - 84
Baseball - 299
Bacon - 280


Comment Voting

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past seven days

Funniest:
calbert revealed the plans of the self-proclaimed prophet of God who was arrested at the Capitol Visitors Center
Rapmaster2000 shared a true story about working in food service
Somacandra told us how to tell someone isn't a prophet
SirSigsegV commented on an odd weapon choice
Pocket Ninja pledged to remain loyal
ChrisDe suggested escalating a battle over a hairstyle
ArkAngel made a joke about Terri Schiavo
kbronsito discussed hairstyles and culture
FullMetalPanda suggested a way to avoid a rebooking fee
HeathenHealer applauded Ted Cruz's plan to combat violence in the name of religion

Smartest:
Sin_City_Superhero has had it with these motherfarking politicians and their motherfarking bureaucracy
Laughing Budda took a cruise on the Sarcasm Ship
FarkerSnow shared another side of a news story that had been on Fark
kbronsito discussed hairstyles and culture
ModeratelyProfane told someone to keep a dog on a leash in a designated off-leash area
basemetal summed up an article about parents misbehaving at an Easter egg hunt
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat figured a law to arm people is fair
Danger Avoid Death shared a comic about minimum wage
dr_blasto suggested a way to handle the egregious behavior of some police officers
Lord Zoranov had a suggestion for cases where law enforcement officers shoot unarmed civilians

CSB Sunday Morning: "The Great Hunt"
Smartest:  wademh told a cute story about a big brother who hunted Easter eggs the right way
Funniest:  Laughing Budda shared the mystery of the missing Easter baskets

If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.

Politics Funniest:
hubiestubert described in great detail just how punchable Ted Cruz's face is
The Pope of Manwich Village revealed what will happen to John Hinckley, Jr. when he's released from prison
Danger Avoid Death showed us how Jesus feels about anti-LGBT legislation
Gotfire guessed at what a Republican National Convention might look like with guns
shanrick found some footage of Kim Jong-un being picked on

Politics Smartest:
Bith Set Me Up thought that people passing "religious liberty" bills are also in another group
themindiswatching took issue with a counting of delegates
Dusk-You-n-Me shared a tweet about a bigoted candidate
FlashHarry discussed Bernie Sanders' brand of socialism
megarian described the voting process for women in Texas


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Circusdog320 served up a delicious pun for "Photoshop a new Ben and Jerry's Flavor based on the 2016 election"
ionthrust created the worst dessert ever for "Photoshop a new Ben and Jerry's Flavor based on the 2016 election"
StRalphTheLiar used what fell from out of the tree in "Photoshop a new Ben and Jerry's Flavor based on the 2016 election"
zeon went back to nature for "Photoshop what else is going on in this alley"
RedZoneTuba felt good to be out of the rain in "Photoshop theme: song lyrics of the '70s"
Herr Docktor Heinrich Wisenheimer gave us something to Munch on in "Photoshop a new Ben and Jerry's Flavor based on the 2016 election"
wickedfish discovered an angry woman in "Photoshop something that would make you say "WTF?" when you came home"
ionthrust showed a neighborhood that pissed off God for "Photoshop something that would make you say "WTF?" when you came home"
Herb Utsmelz's life got flip-turned upside down in "Photoshop something that would make you say "WTF?" when you came home"
JAGUART came home to bad news in "Photoshop something that would make you say "WTF?" when you came home"

Farktography:  Elsinore won Farktography Contest No. 569: "Welcome to the Gun Show" with a photo of "The Battlefield Cross: Helmet, Rifle, Boots, signifying a fallen soldier"

If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats

Wednesday, July 20th: 4th Annual Farks In The Wild at the Buffalo Zoo in NY

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.


Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Unfreakable)

Police search for suspects in shooting at the G-Spot. Authorities report that they are having trouble locating them. Update: after some intense probing, cops finger their culprits

*Click* quick dick pic nicks chick

Couple awakes to 400-pound bear licking their bedroom window. Same thing happened to me last time I got drunk at a pride parade

Three people injured in head-on collision on Curry highway, naan killed

Study finds that people with severe ADHD

When Trump hires campaign staff, he's not hiring the best. He's hiring people that have lots of problems. They're bringing crime. They're getting arrested for battery in Florida.... And some, I assume, are good people

George Mason law school to be renamed the Antonin Scalia School of Law or more succinctly ASSoL

The rest of them are here:  Headlines of the week for 3/27 - 4/2


Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by Unfreakable)

For the first time since we started running the quiz, it happened to fall on April 1. For this reason, the quizmasters were given free reign to go off-script and write whatever bizarre questions they wanted, totally irrespective of weird news for the week. So quiz takers found themselves in the amusing/annoying position of taking a quiz where few of the questions were grounded in reality. Facing questions that were either nonsense, or throwbacks to The Young Ones and Firefly episodes, songs from The Who and the Rolling Stones, and one question that was completely in Esperanto.

With 16 eligible questions, a possible score much higher than the usual ceiling of 1100 was possible, but surprisingly nobody got lucky enough to break through it. Oh well, next time. The top scores this week were posted by busy chillin' with 1038, gunsmack not far behind at 1010, and then Curseyoukhan with a score of 985. Well done.

There's room for better scores--highest theoretical score is 1600--so if you think you can beat them, go get your name on the list--give last Friday's quiz a shot here: Fark Weird News Quiz - April 1.

Some doofus told me it's Dyngas Day, which is hilariously also known as Wet Monday. And, apparently, the names are the least weird things about it. So get your pussy willows out and enjoy this week's Fark NotNewsletter.

Comment Mentions

The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week

Garry Shandling - 52
Rob Ford - 91
Boaty McBoatface - 49
Easter egg - 97
Bacon - 420


Comment Voting

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past seven days

Funniest:
Clash City Farker shared a little-known fact about the Titanic
sigdiamond2000 discussed exercising religiously
Doctor Funkenstein found a legal loophole
MaudlinMutantMollusk found another reason for you to stop at friendship when it comes to dogs
sno man did the math on Rob Ford's age
fusillade762 shared a problem for Noah's ark
Spaceballer showed an unhappy dog
doyner sang a goodbye
sprong89 suggested a different name for Boaty McBoatface
Eli WhiskeyDik crunched the numbers on speeding tickets

Smartest:
DanZero requested a favor
AquaTatanka reacted to a terrorist attack
Pocket Ninja was outraged
Iggie shared a sweet adoption story
Pocket Ninja was offended by someone feeling offended
Ambivalence discussed why comparing obesity to smoking doesn't work
fusillade762 stopped reading there
medius asked the question on everyone's minds
Pocket Ninja complained about kids these days
mrlewish suggested an alternative to taxing

CSB Sunday Morning: "Fish Stories"
Smartest:   August11 shared a really great story about one last excursion together
Funniest:   CipollinaFan explained how fish can benefit from being caught

If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.

Politics Funniest:
Sgt Otter didn't think Mitch McConnell was a straight shooter
Dr. DJ Duckhunt posted a picture from South Park
propasaurus explained the violence at Trump rallies
brap came up with a name for a union for professional companions
Lionel Mandrake experienced one of the consequences of drinking

Politics Smartest:
ecmoRandomNumbers described a Hillary Clinton voter
stan unusual explained the evolution of the McConnell Rule
whither_apophis discussed reaping what you sow
mjjt talked about scarecrows or something
hubiestubert explained why the GOP has a problem with Trump


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Yammering_Splat_Vector put together a violent musical for "Photoshop theme - a 'versus' movie more interesting than 'Batman vs Superman'"
retrophil created an intriguing three-way for "Photoshop theme - a 'versus' movie more interesting than 'Batman vs Superman'"
Ldrtchbrd made a lawsuit about nothing for "Photoshop theme - a 'versus' movie more interesting than 'Batman vs Superman'"
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed another way of dealing with Nazis in "Photoshop theme: add, subtract or change a word (or words) of a movie title"
retrophil set up some hand-to-hand combat for "Photoshop theme - a 'versus' movie more interesting than 'Batman vs Superman'"
Don_cos showed a Farker's final mistake in "Photoshop theme: A thousand ways to die (the moment before)"
Herr Docktor Heinrich Wisenheimer got votes with a vote in "Photoshop theme: A thousand ways to die (the moment before)"
retrophil made a creepy family feud in "Photoshop theme - a 'versus' movie more interesting than 'Batman vs Superman'"
retrophil made two powerful women fight it out in "Photoshop theme - a 'versus' movie more interesting than 'Batman vs Superman'"
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed a buzzed guy in trouble in "Photoshop theme: A thousand ways to die (the moment before)"

Farktography:   spinach gunk won Farktography Contest No. 568: "Hobbies 3" with a photo of Queen Elizabeth with a mustache

If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats

There are no farking parties planned at the moment. :(

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.


Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Unfreakable)

Woman wakes up one day and can no longer swallow. Same thing happened to my wife the day after we were married

Jurors say the Hulk Hogan sextape was worse than they expected, thought the run-in by Pat Patterson in the end was extremely uncalled for

Hillary promises to share the secrets of Area 51 to the world if elected, presumably by placing them on an email server

Cruz denies Cuban Mistress Crisis

New observations in comb jellies shakes the butthole paradigm. Hey, new band name

Alas, poor William

DNA from Brussels suspect found all over the Paris attacks, if you know what I mean

The rest of them are here:  Headlines of the week for  3/20 - 3/28


Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by Unfreakable)

Pretty good quiz this week. While nobody cracked the 1000 club (except for one of the quiz writers who didn't realize his score would actually be shown on the Top 10 list and knew all the answers beforehand). Aside from him, though, all of the Farkers on the list had scores in the 900s, topped by danradice with 956, Two Dogs Farking with 939 and shopball with 931 to edge out a closely following pack.

There's room for better scores--highest theoretical score is 1100--so if you think you can beat them, go get your name on the list--give last Friday's quiz a shot here: Fark Weird News Quiz - March 25.