________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Tl;dr sign up for TotalFark and BareFark if you can.

This one's hard for me because I'm usually the one who keeps things positive.  An unintended side effect of that is that I often appear to be unconcerned. It's not that I'm unconcerned, it's just that for me personally I find that fear and panic get in the way of good decision making.  The guy at the top has to hold everyone else together.

I want to say Fark's going to be fine, that we're going to get an SBA loan or that the paycheck protection program won't run out of money before our application clears.  But truthfully, I don't know that any of that will happen.  

Here's the bad news:  The first week of April's ad revenue is in the books.  I'm not going to lie: it's dire. For the first week of April, Fark's ad revenue was down over 50% from last year.  This is much worse than what the IAB predicted in a survey last week, which seemed to indicate a 33% drop, which still would have been brutal but obviously way better than the 50% we're now seeing.  This is industry-wide by the way - it's happening to every digital media property simultaneously. Additionally, that 50% revenue drop Fark saw last week would have been even lower except Fark's traffic lately is up quite a lot - especially on weekends, where traffic has nearly doubled.  Before the pandemic, traffic on weekends would drop in half - a pattern that has held steady for 20 years. This is no longer the case.  

The somewhat good news is that last week, a bunch of you signed up and sponsored others for TotalFark and BareFark accounts.  That is hugely helpful - thank you so much!  And a special thanks to everyone who submitted sponsorship threads, including Warthog and the LP gang, null, and I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That.  Even with that amazing and generous showing, we still need more subscriptions if we're going to survive this.  Please sign up today if you can. 

I hate to ask because I know that other folks are worse off.  Your local newspaper is probably not going to make it either. They're even more dependent on advertising than Fark is, they probably have way more employees than we do, and they're in exactly the same boat.  If you can, subscribe to your local news websites. Also if you can, order from your local restaurants doing takeout. If you're super lucky, hopefully you can order beer or cocktails to go as well. For example, I heard from one friend in Nashville that they've seen pickup trucks with kegs of beer cruising neighborhoods and selling growler fills.  

Meanwhile, I'll be doing everything I can to keep things going on our end.  Because (and only because) we're running out of options, sometime in the next two weeks, we're going to test blocking ad-blockers for a 24-hour period to see what impact that makes on revenue.  If it's minimal, we'll retain ad-blocking, because I get it no one (including me) likes ads, and I know some readers need to use ad blockers for accessibility reasons. If the impact of the test is substantial, I'll update in a future Fark NotNewsletter what we decide to do.  We don't have the luxury of having a choice in the matter anymore. Signing up for TotalFark and BareFark would be a fantastic alternative to ad blocking, however.  BareFark in particular because it removes all ads from Fark.  

We're also experimenting with new projects to capture new audience share - I'm live streaming a not-so-serious daily news summary Tuesday - Friday that is worth a look.  The main host site can be found at twitch.tv/drewcurtis, but we'll be simulcasting across YouSpace and FaceTube and the rest here shortly.  Videos of previous streams can be seen at my Twitch channel as well, and eventually on the other SpaceTubes, too. My dad likes it. That's a huge endorsement right there.  We're hoping to do an evening stream this Friday during which I will be drinking the entire time. So heads up politics tab - it's been a rough week.  

Speaking of other initiatives, in this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, Todd gives us an update from inside the Manhattan hot zone.  We've got a discussion about the world's oldest profession moving from offline to online, branching out into therapy even. And we discuss what America 2.0 may look like.  Check it out - it's more serious than usual, but it's good. Download from iTunes or wherever you find your podcasts

I hope you all are safe and well.  We're all in this together.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Farking Clown Shoes showed how we felt on March 1st versus how we felt on March 31st
jim32rr expressed condolences and hope to another Farker
6nome shared a sexy poster from the 70s and 80s
Giant Clown Shoe felt like an entirely different but superficially similar person
coronavirus reacted to an opinion about pandemic modeling
Dead for Tax Reasons noticed something about a contaminant that caused Zantac to be pulled from the market
oldernell was prepared for the sudden rush of people buying out seeds to grow their own food
Thong_of_Zardoz prepared for the milkocalypse
Grumpy Cat had a name for what Dean Cain and most of us look like now
Demetrius did not react to a photo of a man who hosted a "corona potluck"

Smart:
brantgoose argued that viruses can't be killed
Xai explained why efforts to flatten the curve on COVID-19 transmission is not just "hiding infections in the future"
That Guy What Stole the Bacon shared a story about parents having strange beliefs about where they'll be safe right now
GoOutBlazing plans on earning that nickname, hopefully a long time from now
Jerry Curlan's Horsey shared a story about people who know better but do the dumb thing anyway
nmrsnr pointed out the significance of a sentence buried in an article claiming that half of people infected with the novel coronavirus are asymptomatic
question_dj figured that a former COVID-19 skeptic's belief that the news media was using the panic to distract us from something else wasn't without precedent
Bootleg apparently didn't pay enough attention in history class
DrewCurtisJr came up with a solution to the problem of people having coronavirus parties that should satisfy everyone

CSB Sunday Morning: That time boredom struck and you chose poorly
Smart (tie): Redh8t described what happens when construction crews get bored after hours
Smart (tie): The adults in silvervial's family learned what happens when you release kids into the woods after they've been snowed in for five days  
Smart honorable mention: TexasPeace and some friends explored actual Nazi tunnels while attending third grade at a U.S. Army post in Germany
Funny: ytterbium learned as a little kid that sometimes the only person you can count on is yourself

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please contact Farkback ahead of time, or just submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening. If you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies. Please note: While submitted CSB Sunday Morning threads have a high likelihood of being greenlit, there is no guarantee they will be. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: rcf1105 had excellent advice for attending video conferences while working from home
Funny: MissFeasance shared some important information about practicing safe sex
Funny: ThomasPaineTrain showed someone who was feeling defensive after an earthquake in Idaho
Smart: loveblondieo did some very smart things
Funny: croesius explained how to make a copy of a YouTube video

Politics Funny:
OptionC had questions about Donald Trump invoking the Defense Production Act
Dead for Tax Reasons had a message for a train engineer who intentionally derailed a train because of a conspiracy theory
Polezni Durak made an illustration more illustrative
Jack Sabbath recalled Dr. Anthony Fauci's first career
brap shared one of Trump's nonsensical tweets

Politics Smart:
edmo had reasons for not buying the official story for why the captain of the Theodore Roosevelt was relieved of his command
kbronsito suggested a new role for Brett Crozier
PluckYew wanted the news media to handle any golf outings Trump has in a certain way
arrogantbastich reacted to "Four things only libertarians can see about COVID-19"
skozlaw defended a Fark headline comparing U.S. deaths from COVID-19 to deaths on 9/11


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
The first NINE winners are from Add a Sesame Street character to a famous work of art:
hail2daking found proof that chocolate chip cookies were actually created by God
PhotoshopCrazy showed us what Beaker does when he's not working
PhotoshopCrazy proved we don't always see ourselves as others see us
Yammering_Splat_Vector found Vincent van Gogh's most obscure self portrait
opalakea showed that sometimes Rowlf acts just like other dogs
Herb Utsmelz let us see what this artist's mother really looked like
noazark ran into the problem of birds' ears not having external parts
hail2daking gave Oscar the Grouch a new place to eat
DarkJohnson captured the Swedish Chef in a reflective moment
This Is Bold Text was not proud of this

Captions:
From Caption this confrontation:
Albert911emt knew what squirrels want to talk about
TheSteelCricket heard an angry warning
RedZoneTuba could tell these two were fighting over who's more masculine

Fartist Friday: Make a mask from things you have on hand
LucyBrew made a mask from 99% natural materials

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake:
For our Fark Artists of all skill levels, this week's Fartist Friday theme: "Cupboard & Cabinet Creations": Raid your stashes and showcase your favorite social distancing provisions! Difficulty: the only provisions allowed to be showcased are cans, cartons and paper goods like TP (if you're lucky enough to have any). Dress up your refreshing can of Fresca in a crown. Present your bog roll stash (pre-used, please) with pizzazz. Toss that can of water chestnuts aside and put your Spaghettios decorated front and center in a masterpiece d'resistance. You get the gist. Ignore what the grownups say: Play with your food! But, carefully please - no use crying over spilled canned milk.

About Fartist Friday:
Fark's working on ways to keep you entertained during this time of social distancing. To start, we're posting weekly "art" contests with different themes and media, which we're tentatively calling Fartist Friday - let us know if you have a suggestion for a better name. We ran our first Fartist Friday contest two weeks ago, MSPaint your pet or your dream pet. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the following Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays with commenting closed until an hour before they show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close to both comments and voting at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

Farktography:
freakingmoron won Farktography Contest No. 778: "Apocalypse Now" with these young sprouts

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another good time on the Quiz last week, with two people making it into the 1000 club, where they will remain social distant while watching a reply of the 1978 World Series Game III on the big screen. general tso takes top honors with 1015, followed by Bruce Campbell vs Army of Farkness in second with 1014 and urethra_franklin in third with 973. Texa$ took fourth with 936, and Mztlplx rounds out the top five with 931.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over what you get when you adopt a pet from Midwest Animal Rescue and Service. Only 22% of quiztakers knew that a furry friend will also net you a nice supply of Busch "beer" -  enough to have about two cans a day for the next three months, or throw one good party that will make your friends think less of you.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over Nicolás Maduro and the narco-terrorism charges brought against him by the US. 87% of quiztakers knew that he was the president of Venezuela. although for how much longer is anyone's guess. 

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about the New Bob Dylan song "Murder Most Foul". Only 38% of quiztakers knew that it was 17 minutes of Dylan rambling on about the assassination of John F. Kennedy, although with Dylan, we're going to have to take his word because good luck trying to decipher the actual lyrics.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the Falkland Islands and which country had offered them assistance. 93% of quiztakers knew that it was Argentina that offered the coronavirus tests and medical help, and who is in a long dispute about the ownership of the Islands with the UK. No word if they get BBC programming there or their stance on Brexit.

Congratulations to the winners, and be sure to check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

So last week I sounded the alarm about Fark's ad revenue.  I've got more data for you this week on why and how, along with what I'm expecting from the next quarter in terms of ad revenue.  Tl;dr, it's an existential threat. If you can, sign up for TotalFark and BareFark. 

Since the last NotNewsletter, we discovered what specifically caused the sudden rapid decline in ad revenues - turns out it affected all news sites, not just us.  Apparently branding experts are reluctant to run advertising on pages that mention COVID-19. The theory is they don't want their brand to be associated with negative connotations.  The problem, however, not just for us but for all news sites, is that 90%+ of all content is COVID-related right now. As a result, when 3,000 brand advertisers all simultaneously block the words COVID-19 and coronavirus, news site ad revenue plummets.  You can read more about that and how it threatens the entire online news ecosystem in this great summary article by Craig Silverman.

However, there's more bad news - also last week the IAB, which is the primary trade group for online advertising among other things, released the results of a survey of ad buyers to try to figure out what effect the lockdown will have on ad revenues.  The short version is it'll be worse than 2008, which is pretty dire because in 2008, Fark's revenue dropped to near zero.  There's more info and data from the IAB survey here.

What this all means is, without an influx of TotalFark and BareFark subscribers, Fark will not survive the pandemic. 

I'm exploring every option available to us, including SBA disaster loans. Things do not look good, but I promise I will keep pushing to hold things together until all options are expended. Which may have to include blocking ad-block use on Fark.   

It's not just Fark that's in trouble either - the Columbia Journalism Review is just this morning sounding the alarm about the impending local news apocalypse.  It's going to hit all of us. Support your local news outlets as well if you can.

Sorry for all the doom and gloom today.  On the bright side, Fark's traffic is up.  So that's something.

On this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, Todd takes the spotlight and describes living in a Manhattan hot zone half a block from a field hospital in Central Park. Mobile morgue units, police-enforced social distancing, but also 7 p.m. city-wide cheers for responders. We're living through history, folks  

Also, with the speed of today's news cycle, Dallan and I are doing an almost-daily livestream summary of the latest in pandemic news (almost daily because we skipped yesterday, for example). Don't expect anything slick or streamlined, we're literally making this up as we go along. Currently we're streaming from https://www.twitch.tv/drewcurtis/ but hopefully once our trademark claim on /fark goes through, we'll move there.  We expect to stream sometime today, but if you miss the livestream, it will still be on Twitch later.  We'll cover a quick summary of what's newsworthy from the past 24 hours and conclude with some much-needed distractions, including today's latest Internet drama regarding whether or not Andrew Cuomo has nipple piercings. We're just asking questions here.  

Be safe, everyone. 

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 

Fark's working on ways to keep you entertained during this time of social distancing. To start, we're posting weekly "art" contests with different themes and media, which we're tentatively calling Fartist Friday - let us know if you have a suggestion for a better name. We ran our first Fartist Friday contest last week, MSPaint your pet or your dream pet. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest, as you'll see below. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays with commenting closed until an hour before they show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

PS: Special thanks to Prank Call of Cthulhu for having this video with Milana Vayntrub made for your fellow Farkers. So awesome of you to do that.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
probesport shared evidence that the crackdown on buttmunching is underway
Diogenes explained being unwilling to donate computer processing power to fight COVID-19
Benevolent Misanthrope summed up a complaint from a couple who bought out a grocery store's entire meat section
Prank Call of Cthulhu did an awesome thing for Farkers (check out the link)
fusillade762 pointed out the most surprising thing about the number of confirmed COVID-19 cases in South Carolina
zobear had an idea of which movie LordOfThePings was searching for
Naido remembered what we were promised we'd have in the future instead of pooling computer power to solve problems
BizarreMan knew when to bow out of trying to answer a math question
Diogenes found the part of an article that explained what someone who ignored social distancing guidelines really did wrong
We Ate the Necco Wafers and spouse had a discussion about their wishes should something happen to one of them

Smart:
Prank Call of Cthulhu did an awesome thing for Farkers (check out the link)
Louisiana_Sitar_Club stated the truth about sincere apologies
Walker had a suggestion for what New York City should do with the bodies they have no room for
Gratch responded to claims that coronavirus survived for 17 days on a cruise ship
bobtheme figured that a spring-breaker who was in a viral video probably learned his lesson
FlashHarry told people who don't know Milana Vayntrub by name who she is
LionHound brought up the biggest "coronavirus parties" that have been happening
syrynxx learned about too much of a good thing
UNC_Samurai had a question for the Lieutenant Governor of Texas
FormlessOne had step-by-step advice on getting through the pandemic crisis

CSB Sunday Morning: Stories of the helpers
Smart: Unikitty appreciated what people classified as essential workers are doing for us
Bonus Smart Pick:  Someone Else's Alt described the frightening conditions in which health care workers are fighting to save our lives
Funny: gordian helped an "Elsa ninja going camping" deal with being cooped up

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies).  

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: Badafuco had a great idea for what to do while you're stuck at home
Funny: Old Man Winter explained how the COVID-19 stimulus bill works for those making more than $100k/year
Smart: WickerNipple argued that prayer didn't work when a Farker got bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin for dinner
Funny: JerseyTim explained the choice to be a Farker
Smart: make me some tea takes a prophylactic approach to keep everyone safe
Smart: generalDisdain figured that some people need more stimulation than others

Note to TotalFarkers: While I will continue to avoid linking to posts from selfie thread in the Fark NotNewsletters, I'm going to start including posts from non-dedicated selfie threads that include selfies and personal or family photos because it's getting more common for random personal pictures to show up in random threads. I will still try to avoid linking to posts from threads that I think the submitter or commenters might prefer to keep to a smaller audience. Also, please feel free to email me if you would like to make sure I don't link to comments from a particular thread. 

Politics Funny:
etoof thought Rand Paul could use some help fighting COVID-19
sniderman told us how one morning news show covered an attack ad the Trump campaign is trying to get off the air
Pocket Ninja explained why New Jersey doesn't need as many medical supplies as Florida does
Mr.Hawk shared a story about going way out of your way to have everything your neighbor has
hissatsu corrected a Fake News graph about COVID-19

Politics Smart:
The Third Man lamented things that needed to be included in the coronavirus relief bill
Driver had reason to prefer the relief checks don't have Donald Trump's signature on them
Private_Citizen wanted to correct the owners of Hobby Lobby when they say God wants them to keep the stores open
Scarlioni discussed states placing restrictions on people coming in from other U.S. states
OldRod pointed out an opportunity Trump doesn't take over and over again


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking showed what will happen to your neighbors if you keep hoarding
RedZoneTuba was nuts about Trump
hail2daking urged us to be more rational
Yammering_Splat_Vector encouraged us to keep our elderly uncle safe
DarkJohnson had a helpful reminder for all you buttwipes
Snubnose figured all paper can be reused
opalakea gave this senator a mobile home
Iggie put the Trump in trumpet. Wait a minute. Strike that, reverse it
hail2daking got our squirrel to cover up a little
RedZoneTuba reminded us to take care while we share

Captions:
From What is kitty saying?:
Grumpy Cat knew that this cat is actually singing
Fara Clark could tell that kitty probably was not on board with an experiment
For Caption these masked dancers:
RedZoneTuba sang along with these happy workers
kdawg7736 wrote them a song we can all identify with
From Caption these two guardsmen:
Harry Freakstorm revealed how lucky one of these guys has been
Harry Freakstorm fell for a recruiting pitch
From Caption this online ordering mistake:
markie_farkie decided a little profanity was in order
Cache found out the real reason this tiny toilet paper was sent out

Fartist Friday: MSPaint your pet or your dream pet
Conservative Evangelical Millennial Cyclist's pachyderm was really packing
whatsupchuck has a speckled kitteh
west.la.lawyer's pup is catching a snooze

There are a lot more great entries in this contest, so be sure to check them out. This week's Fartist Friday theme: Make a mask with things you already have in your home Difficulty: You can't use a mask to make your mask

Farktography:
Petit_Merdeux won Farktography Contest No. 777: "Quarantined" with essential supplies for a week or two of social distancing

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the quiz, only marred by the fact that now every news story seems to be about the Coronavirus. The 1000 club is still closed due to social distancing, but it would definitely be crowded this week. Top honor goes to The Third Man with his ridiculously high score of 1035. The rest of the 1000 club is below:

Evildog 1033
WoolyManwich 1031
sugaryvitamin 1027
FrancoFile 1027
ThomasPaineTrain 1024
Bear151556 1011
SFSailor 1006
Jerry Curlan's Horsey 1000

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over the South Georgia Pintail, a rare duck found on an island in the Indian Ocean. Only 59% of quiztakers knew that the odd ducks were observed eating dead carcasses of seals and other critters, making them the only variety of duck known to eat meat. No word on their affinity for Orange Sauce.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over French physician Victor Burq and his observations during the Paris cholera outbreaks in the 1800's. 90% of quiztakers knew that even before Germ Theory became prevalent, he realized that people exposed to large amounts of copper were far less likely to become sick. For the record, the Statue of Liberty has only taken 2 years off due to illness (1984-86) in her 134 years, so I think that counts for something.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over what new product can give you your Hostess confectionery fix in an all new format. Only 42% knew that you can now buy Ding Dongs, Honey Buns, SnoBalls (ewww) and Twinkies in a convenient drinkable iced latte. Pop-Tarts are owned by Kellogg's, while Hostess brands are now owned by rival Bimbo, so don't expect to see any partnership there anytime soon. 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the old TV show "The French Chef" and its host, one of the original pioneering TV chefs who taught Boomers how to cook something besides those weird Jell-O and frozen pea aspics their aunts brought to pot lucks and no one ate. 91% knew that it was Julia Child who hosted the show for 6 years in the late 60's and 70's. Cajun author and comedian Justin Wilson hosted "Louisiana Cookin" on PBS and taught GenX'er kids how to measure salt in their palms and how to say "I gair-on-tee."

Congratulations once again to the winners, and I'll have the link up for this week's Fark Weird News Quiz shortly.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

TL;DR: If you can, sign up for TotalFark and/or BareFark ASAP - digital ad revenue cratered in tandem with the economy.  

Back in January 2008, ad revenue went to practically zero for a little over a year.  Interestingly, it preceded the worst of the financial crisis by about six months. That was the year that I learned that when financial times get tough, ad budgets get cancelled first.  

The ad market hasn't been super strong this year, but as you're probably aware, the pandemic has kicked off a financial crisis.  Although the online ad market is far more mature today than it was back in 2008, I suspected we'd probably start seeing a revenue drop starting next week after April 1st  because ad budgets are drawn up quarterly.  

However, something unprecedented is happening.  

For some background context, in normal times, advertisers and ad networks are terrified of not paying out.  Mainly because if you get the reputation of booking inventory and then running off without paying, you don't tend to keep repeat clients.  It's not that non-payment has never happened to Fark, but it's extremely rare. To give you the dumbest example of this, we had one ad network in 2016 not only fail to pay for several months of ads, but actually suggested that we take payment in a cryptocurrency they had just created.  But it's a rare occurrence.  

Late last week, a fellow Farker who is CTO of an adtech company we've been working with closely hit me up with a warning.  He said that as of last Thursday, they're seeing industry-wide cancellations. Companies aren't waiting until the 2nd quarter - they're pulling ads -now- on existing deals.  Understandable given the current situation, but it doesn't help Fark at all.  

The existing ads are still bringing in some revenue, although the advertisers I'm seeing are pretty strange - not sure what company is trying to sell me bikinis during a pandemic, but whatever, you be you Mr. or Ms. bikini retailer.

However, it's not going to be enough.  

In 2008, we survived because you, the community, stepped up and supported us through TotalFark subscriptions.  We need that again.  If you've been laid off, hang onto your money.  However, for the rest of you, if $5/month is still no big deal to you, we need you to sign up for TotalFark ASAP.  You can also buy subscriptions for other Farkers if you like.  

We may also have to consider blocking ad-blockers. 60% of Farkers use them, and there are many good reasons people use them other than not wanting to see ads, which is why we haven't taken this step before.  If we end up doing this, for anyone experiencing financial hardship who needs ad blocking because of disability, technology restriction, or another relevant reason, just let us know and we'll activate BareFark for you at no charge.  For those of you for whom $2.50 is not a significant imposition, sign on up to BareFark and you'll be right back to an ads-free experience.  I've been asked many times if it's better financially for Fark to see ads or to sign up for BareFark - BareFark is by far the better option from a revenue standpoint.  Even during a good economy, ads don't pay well at all. I wish there were a better digital revenue model, but that's what we've got to work with .  

Meanwhile, I'll keep drinking from the news cycle firehose and keep you up to date on what's going on pandemic-wise.  I'll try to keep it funny, but you know how it goes - we have to work with the news cycle we get. I would suggest if you need a break from COVID-19, check out the Geek tab.  Pretty much everything not COVID-related is landing in there.  

Additionally, Dallan and I are planning to start streaming a video and podcast daily update on all the tubes, so keep an eye out for that.  We did a test run yesterday - I didn't link it on main Fark, but it's still on Fark's Facebook page if you'd like to see us muddle through while we figure out a format.  It probably won't be exactly 5 times a week; today, for example, things are probably getting away from us.  

I hate making this newsletter all about us - I hope you are doing well and are safe.  Please check on each other and if you need anything, let us know. We'll be posting regular discussion threads on these topics, so keep an eye out.  Feel free to submit them as well - I'll greenlight nearly any discussion tab topic, especially if they're funny.  

On this week's Fark & Schnitt podcast, Todd and I compare notes on what it's like in middle America vs NYC as the COVID-19 situation rapidly changes. Turns out neither area has a monopoly on morons.  Some New Yorkers still aren't doing the social distancing thing. Meanwhile, in eastern Kentucky, some folks are turning towards applying extra Jesus to the problem.  And Todd's evacuation of his kids last week from NYC looks more and more brilliant with each passing day.  

Next week, assuming everything doesn't go (even more) to hell suddenly, we'll be interviewing Peter Sagal from Wait Wait Don't Tell Me.  Aside from the fact that he's a super cool guy, there's a really interesting and bizarre Fark connection to the show going back 20 years now.  Tune in to find out what that is.
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat shared information about additional tests available in Germany
MrBallou wondered if a woman had completely thought through a reward she was offering
pkjun had a lot to teach the rest of us
JerseyTim figured out which team Tom Brady will play for
whatsupchuck showed us a photo of the ol' home office
ecmoRandomNumbers had a question about fatality rates of COVID-19 patients based on the type of treatment required
propasaurus explained why it was fine for spring breakers to party on Florida beaches
Gubbo pointed out that testing an antimalarial drug's effectiveness on COVID-19 might not take as long as you'd think
Farking Clown Shoes was confused by a Fark headline about smoking possibly playing a role in men's higher COVID-19 infection rates

Smart:
ISO15693 predicted Donald Trump will manage to accomplish something no other U.S. president has done
Marine1 way underestimated how long it would be before this would become a serious argument
Circusdog320 is making excellent use of social distancing time
luna1580 figured that really bad times are coming for Florida
Chariset described what doomsday preppers and non-preppers might think of each other
ox45tallboy shared a photo of what one hospital is doing to prepare for an influx of COVID-19 patients
NobleHam showed one way to encourage social distancing
optikeye brought up another pandemic as an example of what can happen
August11 thought that prepper is in the eye of the beholder
Gonz summed up Tom Brady's decision to sign with the Buccaneers

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: Dance Party had a suggestion for someone who's still getting paid but considering a temporary delivery job
Funny: meg12279 wasn't going to let COVID-19 interfere with the most important things
Funny: merrillvillain wanted to know more about a good spot for photographing bald eagles
Funny: Mitch Taylor's Bro had everything you could want in a mate
Funny: MissFeasance had a complaint about a video of a naked woman with a dead rat in her mouth running down the street

Politics Funny:
MrBallou found evidence that a tweet wasn't authentic
Precious Roy's Horse Dividers asked an important question about Lou Dobbs going into self-quarantine
Jack Sabbath showed that Eric Trump was right about the stock market
arrogantbastich didn't think that August11's neighbor's job requires a lot of special training
Pocket Ninja explained that everything is Barack Obama's fault

Politics Smart:
Butterflew had questions about the website that Trump said Google is building to fight COVID-19
Tell Me How My Blog Tastes discussed when the Federal Reserve should cut rates and when it should raise them
Mr. Coffee Nerves suggested people who refused social distancing recommendations should be sent out to infect more people
blender61 gave background information about the U.S. Rep. who told the United Airlines CEO to stuff it
Unobtanium looked into the story behind an election day director who walked off in the middle of announcing changes to voting locations


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking revealed an unpopular opinion of Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox
Kick The Chair discovered that someone is messing up the past
DarkJohnson showed that these costars haven't aged a day
Yammering_Splat_Vector got these guys some amazing cosmetic surgery
hail2daking made some moon rocks
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us what all those people are doing with hoarded toilet paper
Thrakkorzog shared good news from the Doc
noazark proved that all's well that ends well
Yammering_Splat_Vector knew what to do with the torch if the Olympics are postponed
DarkJohnson found out what happens if you help the wrong person load an armchair into a van

Captions:
From Caption the conversation between these two traders:
grokca gave a warning about a celebrity stalker
Grumpy Cat discovered that our subjects had become self aware
From Caption this underwhelmed emoji:
Pinnacle Point was inspired to sing about this creation
Weird Hal knew what this emoji was meant to convey
From Caption this sad guy on a trading floor:
Grumpy Cat figured that this fellow just wants to do the bare minimum
DocBubba could tell that this man had chosen poorly
From Caption this sunlit salutation:
ZAZ found out what it takes to get someone to perform a modern-day miracle
Snubnose revealed what really happened to Jack
whatsupchuck saw a forgetful dancer

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 776: "Phoning It In" ended in a tie between threnodyj's dewy autumn leaf and MorningBreath's Rhode Island sunrise

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.

Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another good time on the Quiz, but the 1000 Club has been classified as "non-essential" and so remains closed to this week's victor. Still, congratulations to EasilyDistracted with the awesome top score of 1019. Denjiro came in second with 953, followed by Evildog in third with 842. sugaryvitamin and Hassan Ben Sobr tied for fourth with 831, and Burns like hellfire is our fourth place finisher with 828.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over "Project Gesundheit," a tech company's effort to develop a cure for most varieties of the common cold. Only 21% of quiztakers knew this was actually an undertaking by Amazon, although I think it's a safe bet that this has kind of moved to the back burner a bit considering recent developments in infectious diseases.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over which song former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin chose for her finale after being voted off of "The Masked Singer" while dressed, as one commenter put it, "in what appeared to be the dead carcass of Sully from Monsters, Inc."  73% of quiztakers knew that she picked Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" for reasons that are still unclear. As intros to a Presidential Oval Office Address go, I think this one will not be easily forgotten, no matter how hard we try.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the flavors of Chick-fil-A sauces that you can now purchase at select Florida retailers. Only 43% of quiztakers knew that the Polynesian Sauce was actually CFA's second most popular behind their signature sauce. For some reason, that sweetness appeals to people, especially in the Southwestern U.S. If you prefer the others, Barbecue, Honey Mustard and Garden Herb Ranch are available in bottles at Florida Chick-fil-A locations (not at retail grocers yet), but lovers of Sweet and Spicy Sriracha and Zesty Buffalo will have to settle for packets.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was about the latest chapter in the lawsuit saga between Led Zeppelin and Spirit over similarities in their music writing styles, an epic tale which has lasted longer than your last Zoom meeting with coworkers who can't figure out the mute button. 89% of quiztakers knew that it was "Stairway to Heaven" who Spirit thought was a bit too close to their song "Taurus." If you've heard the two together, you might say yeah, I can see some similarity, but Spirit didn't have John Bonham on drums, so their point is irrelevant to my interests.

Congratulations to the winners, and be sure to check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz, where you can show off your knowledge of the weirdest news of last week.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

So this past week seems like it's lasted a decade.  Every day is 9/11 all over again, and I don't mean from a panic perspective, I mean the pace at which new impossible things are happening is incessant.  At any rate, for the near future, Fark is going to be shifting to a 9/11 footing, which was the first time we switched to a mostly real news format. I'm still going to try to keep it funny, but just so everyone is aware, that won't necessarily be the prime reason articles are greenlit for the near future.

Usually when I greenlight links, I set them to go live sometime in the future - lately I've been pushing them live immediately. That's probably going to continue as long as things stay serious.

Additionally, we'll be posting more non-news related links to see how everyone's doing.  Feel free to submit them, let us know what you need. Farkers are a weird bunch, but when the going gets tough, they always come through like superheroes.

Submitters' corner: You guys are crushing it with your submissions, as usual.  I did want to drop a note that it finally happened - as much as I personally like beating a joke into the ground I'm actually finally getting over the "x is closed, y out front should have told you" riff, so let's keep that one to a minimum.  Also to the Farker who figured out I will probably greenlight about anything I retweet, thank you so much for saving me an extra step.  Finally, remember to do more than just summarize the article, add a great riff as well.  Even if it's weird. Especially if it's weird.  We could use more weird these days.

On this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, we compare New York City versus Kentucky experiences during Covid times, although Todd's coworkers testing positive while he was on-air takes first prize. Plus, I announce some changes coming to Fark as we move to a war footing.  And some of this is actually funny - have a listen.
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
sithon gave a reason for not identifying as one of the "athetits" some jerk wanted to give "the corona virus" to
scottydoesntknow reacted to news that Tom Hanks tested positive for COVID-19
iheartscotch had a question about Tom Hanks' diagnosis
HighlanderRPI shared good news for all of us in these virusy times
Olympic Trolling Judge made a suggestion for replacing NBA games - and then it happened!
TheSwizz knew exactly why the Disney parks had to close down for now
Prank Call of Cthulhu took exception to another Farker's comment
King of Monkeys wouldn't let anyone get in the way of good hygiene
Trocadero figured that this guy might feel like he got a little too Big
Prank Call of Cthulhu told us what happened with Rapmaster2000's hoarding
elvisaintdead showed why young and healthy people need to engage in social distancing

Bonus FarkStaff Picks:
Fun thread: Farkers generated hand washing infographics based on song lyrics
Fun thread: To blow off some steam, Farkers shared COVID-19 jokes and memes

Smart:
italie had a suggestion that wound up happening for a lot of people
mjjt shared information about what went wrong in Italy
Polezni Durak felt betrayed by a bigot's bad spelling
Gubbo pointed out a bad omen on Fark
Archie Goodwin compared a headline about Italy to what a similar one would say about the U.S.
fragMasterFlash defended comparing our current situation to "The Stand"
MattytheMouse thought that a lot of people who are hoarding supplies are making questionable choices
Iamos explained that "elective surgery" doesn't mean what people commonly think it means
asciibaron described how people who work in bars feel about someone who goes to a bar alone and gets annoyed if anyone tries to talk to them
optikeye shared a story about being stranded when a cruise ended early because of a hurricane

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
hardinparamedic shared a great source for information about COVID-19. Thank you I hereby demand that I be given a Fark account for calling attention to this post and explaining why it's such a helpful link

CSB Sunday Morning: The change an hour can make
Smart: No Catchy Nickname had an hour turn out to be very, very long
Funny: Redwolfhollow experienced a crisis due to not knowing about the time change

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies).  

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: GalFriday shared a story about getting permanently banned from Twitter, but winning the argument anyway
Smart: dark side of the moon took time out of a lunch break to save some doggos on the freeway
Smart: croesius posted a bare root pic
Funny: no1curr shared a personal tidbit upon hearing that "the run on tampons has started"
Funny: MissFeasance knew who submitted a thread to complain about being shamed after sending WIE

Politics Funny:
Weatherkiss felt optimistic when Donald Trump announced a news conference
Sub Human corrected another Farker's reaction to Trump's tweet claiming he's doing a better job with COVID-19 than Joe Biden did with H1N1
Mike_LowELL praised the power of prayer
i ignore u countered the claim that Trump's grandfather died from the Spanish flu
bobtheme took a guess at who brought COVID-19 to the Conservative Political Action Conference

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
Fun thread: Farkers shared more illustrations for Arizona Rep. Paul Gosar's "been thinking about life and mortality" tweet

Politics Smart:
Devolving_Spud accurately predicted Trump's performance in Friday's news conference
Chariset had a clever retort to Trump's complaints about news coverage of the White House response to the virus
FlashHarry thought the way Bernie Sanders and his supporters blame "the establishment" seemed familiar
pkjun described how poor stock market performance affects average Americans
styckx had an apt comparison for Trump's "BIGGEST STOCK MARKET RISE IN HISTORY" last week


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
damat01 commissioned the best artist to paint this scene
Circusdog320 caught this pup in a foul mood
DarkJohnson discovered what it takes to be a star player of the sport of ulama
noazark found someone who opposes the use of disinfecting robots in China
hail2daking showed us some Dude enjoying a drink at the park
Terrapin Bound gave this Bronco some friends
CrossEyed revealed the kind of training Starfleet officers go through
damat01 took this contest on a low-speed chase
noazark spotted a surprising attendee of the Yalta Conference
hail2daking convened a gathering of men in white robes

Captions:
For Caption these young researchers:
CrazyCurt discovered how we ended up in this situation
For Have you decided what will be on your tombstone?:
Weatherkiss had no trouble deciding on an epitaph
HighlanderRPI wanted to go with last words for the tombstone
johnny_stingray figured out how to get the last word in an argument

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 775: "Melancholia" ended in a tie between FuLinHyu's invisible swingers and Lovesandwich's woman frozen in prayer

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Beyond Fark

We're very sad to have learned of the loss of Farker Mudbuggy. He was a longtime Farker and friend to many in our community. You can pay your respects in Mudbuggy's memorial thread.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another great time on the Quiz last week, but unfortunately for our top finisher, the 1000 club is closed for deep cleaning. Not because of coronavirus, it's just one of the mods left their dirty socks under the couch and Drew has to worry about insurance liability. Congratulations go to FrancoFile, who takes top honors with 1018, followed by RichardII in second with 985 and sugaryvitamin in third with 984. rebelyell2006 made fourth with 978, and Gravitationally Challenged rounds out the top five with 968.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over a man's choice of vehicles for a low-speed pursuit through the street's of Pittsburgh. Only 29% of quiztakers knew that the domestic violence suspect's choice of an ambulance was in one way a good idea on the surface, being that he was suffering from a gunshot wound, but he would have probably been better off being treated in the back with someone else driving. It's also not really a mode of transportation you can "lose the cops" in. 

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over what got Miss Staten Island barred from the Staten Island St., Patrick's Day Parade. 87% of quiztakers knew that she had come out as bisexual in an interview the week before. Apparently in Staten Island they have a reputation to maintain, although I'm not sure if it's the reputation they think they have.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the character Li Shang in the upcoming live-action version of Disney's Mulan. Only 30% of quiztakers knew that the producers felt that in the era of #MeToo, having a commanding general also be the love interest was not a good look. Mulan's love interest in the new movie is a soldier equal to her rank. For the record, Chinese censors had no problem with the character, as the situation is similar to the legend the movie was based on.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was about which celebrity had an ironic fall while talking about work and life "balance." 95% of quiztakers knew that it was Oprah Winfrey who had taken a tumble. She did pick herself back up with grace, commenting that "now [it] becomes a meme". I hate to disappoint her, but I just can't come up with a good caption for it. Oprah even gets embarrassed with awesome style.

Congratulations to the winners, and be sure to check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz. 


2020 Fark Fiction Anthology Submission Information (brought to you by toraque)

It's here!

The 2020 Fark Fiction Anthology is now open for submissions!  We're looking for the best short fiction up to 10,000 words in any of the following genres:

- Fantasy
- Science Fiction
- Humor
- Horror
- Mystery/Suspense/Thriller

As always, entries will be judged by our crack team of editors and Farkers, and the best submissions will be published in paperback and Kindle e-book editions!  Best of all, all proceeds will go to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, so it's all for a good cause!

Have a story to tell?  Want to show your fellow Farkers your literary genius?  Send us what you've got!
The 2020 Fark Fiction Anthology Official Entry And Submissions Page

You can see what your fellow Farkers have come up with over the previous four years right here!
Heart of Farkness: The 2016 Fark Fiction Anthology
Through a Scanner Farkly: The 2017 Fark Fiction Anthology
Everybody Panic: The 2018 Fark Fiction Anthology
Oh, No, Not Again!: The 2019 Fark Fiction Anthology

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone.  If you've got a bit of time and the slightest inclination, today would be a great time to sign up for TotalFark and/or BareFark.  It's possible the bottom's about to drop out of the advertising market, and it hasn't been all that great this year up to this point even before pandemics and primaries and what have you.  $5 a month is all it takes to carry Fark through damn near anything - that's how we survived the 2008 downturn after all.  You guys are great like that.

Also, if anyone needs a care package, let me know - I went shopping over the weekend, and although my local store here in Kentucky is completely sold out of Peeps, Arby's fries, and only Prego spaghetti sauce for some reason, the store seems to have plenty of everything else including pallets of toilet paper stacked to the roof.  I described the trip in detail on this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, along with possibly the weirdest follow-up to that William Shatner divorce story I told a couple weeks back.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
WoolyManwich shared a phrase that can be said during adult sexytimes or at a job interview
Barfmaker restated what got a teacher who resembles a Dr. Seuss character arrested
thehobbes knew who Kelly Ripa was taking her fashion cues from
I_Am_Weasel sang of a vegan who ordered a vegan burger from KFC
The Headless Horseman's Headless Horse defended the term "demisexual"
brap expected demisexual to have a different meaning
parasol revealed how people who attended an event with a person who was supposed to be quarantined will be compensated
AlwaysRightBoy had a reason to take the risk of taking a cruise soon
rohar explained how things are different in Seattle when it gets to the point where we're resorting to cannibalism
ralphjr found someone who disagrees with Franklin Graham saying a Bible making it through a tornado is a "miracle"

Smart:
Snatch Bandergrip noticed that children are in a no-win situation these days
GanjSmokr commented on an airline passenger's reaction to having his laptop broken when the seat in front of him reclined
Circusdog320 figured out the thing that really ruined taking cruises
sithon named more people who can't receive Communion
Drew shared a story about finding out Rashida Jones is a Farker
Gyrfalcon pointed out how a principal's rule that girls can't decline when boys ask them to dance harms students
YouPeopleAreCrazy gave examples to show that the '70s weren't the only tragic fashion years
pkjun went into detail about how ridiculous a vegan KFC customer was
Glorious Golden Ass came up with a strange rule for airline passengers
RoyFokker'sGhost's Irish Catholic great-grandfather built a school for his new community

CSB Sunday Morning: How did that get there? A time when something unlikely turned up somewhere unlikely
Smart: darkhorse23 lost and found a favorite barrette
Smart honorable mention: bamnuke unexpectedly came into some family money
Funny: Ker_Thwap got the gift that keeps on giving
Funny honorable mention: ingo accidentally discovered this one weird trick for entertaining a pack of dogs, and also posted a followup
Another Funny honorable mention: vudukungfu encountered a real-life riddle

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies).  

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: reagabeast made a comment that, interestingly, at least 18 TotalFarkers knew to be true
Funny: Shostie had a plan for dealing with someone who makes "moist slippy-slappy sounds" while eating
Funny: olapbill advised anyone who's planning on visiting a club where patrons engage in adult activities
Funny: flucto has an interesting Amazon purchase history
Funny: ytterbium knew what to do if you get lucky for the first time in eight years
Smart: Dance Party asked for a button that we already have
Funny: leeksfromchichis explained what TikTok is

Politics Funny:
Pocket Ninja pointed out that young Bernie Sanders supporters showed their support the most effective way
cranked explained why Donald Trump seemed uncaring when told that the family of a boy who was carried by a tornado died
propasaurus defended the "face lift tape" photographed peeking out from under his hair
Martian_Astronomer told a tale that explains why some people have such a strong aversion to Hillary Clinton
imauniter shared some fightin' words from China

Politics Smart:
mrshowrules had a job in mind for Elizabeth Warren
stan unusual requested some information from Bernie Bros
Dewey Fidalgo found out why Trump tweeted an advertisement for a Mexican restaurant in Arizona
propasaurus brought up a reason to vote for Joe Biden instead of Trump
Benevolent Misanthrope had a plan for Pete Buttigieg


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking shared a photo of the elusive kimono dragon
Yammering_Splat_Vector advertised a disaster movie that will give you insomnia
hail2daking proved that some birds team up for their mating dance
Yammering_Splat_Vector demonstrated the purpose of the Big Dipper
hail2daking showed us an documentary about fighting off a coronavirus in the '80s
PhotoshopCrazy found an explorer getting to know the locals
I_Am_Weasel revealed the fact that we're actually all living in a giant shopping cart
Cosmix raised the question of who is scarier, the clown or the women who are walking on a wall
RedZoneTuba brought in an expert to work this machine
hail2daking changed ice to icing

Farktography:
CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 774: "Tools of the Trade 2" with an interest in making plans

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz, but with no one making the 1000 club. Pity, too, we have hand sanitizer and lots of toilet paper. Denjiro came out on top with 925, followed by dionysusaur right behind in second with 924 and Seussie in third with 922. runwiz made fourth with 912, and bradley547 took fifth with 910.

The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was over a stabbing rampage in Bristol, England. Only 25% of quiztakers knew that a man had donned a pair of roller skates to speed his transition from victim to victim. Luckily, he was caught and the victims will survive, but I can't wait to hear what nickname he gets in prison. I being Britain, I'm sure he'll likely get an ASBO about using personal transportation with wheels for a while as well.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over the man who played as goalie for the Carolina Hurricanes on February 22. 91% of quiztakers knew that the NHL has weird rules about backup goalies - the home team has to make sure someone is available who is not signed to any NHL team, and that person can be claimed by either team if both of their goalies are injured. That's how a 42-year-old zamboni driver found himself with six saves and the win - and got to make the late-night talk show rounds as good publicity for the NHL.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the Monkeyface Prickleback. 56% of quiztakers knew that this was an unusual species of fish that lived solely off of algae. Since algae is easy to farm, so are the fish - and being vegetarian fish, they have a very mild taste. This could be the fish that helps return our seas to sustainability. I'm thinking they need a catchier name, though - I'm having a hard time envisioning this recommendation from a snooty French waiter.

The easiest question on last week's Easy Quiz was over Jif peanut butter and their intentionally misspelled label. 95% of quiztakers knew that choosy Moms choose educational stuff for their kids, and knew that you can buy a limited-edition Gif peanut butter jar to help remind you how to say the name of the animated image format. No word on if you had to click it to play.

Congratulations to the winners, and since you're in self-imposed Quarantine, be sure to check out this week's Quiz.


2020 Fark Fiction Anthology Submission Information (brought to you by toraque)

It's here!

The 2020 Fark Fiction Anthology is now open for submissions!  We're looking for the best short fiction up to 10,000 words in any of the following genres:

- Fantasy
- Science Fiction
- Humor
- Horror
- Mystery/Suspense/Thriller

As always, entries will be judged by our crack team of editors and Farkers, and the best submissions will be published in paperback and Kindle e-book editions!  Best of all, all proceeds will go to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, so it's all for a good cause!

Have a story to tell?  Want to show your fellow Farkers your literary genius?  Send us what you've got!
The 2020 Fark Fiction Anthology Official Entry And Submissions Page

You can see what your fellow Farkers have come up with over the previous four years right here!
Heart of Farkness: The 2016 Fark Fiction Anthology
Through a Scanner Farkly: The 2017 Fark Fiction Anthology
Everybody Panic: The 2018 Fark Fiction Anthology
Oh, No, Not Again!: The 2019 Fark Fiction Anthology

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone, hope your week went well.

I know there are a ton of links about coronavirus lately, I'm trying to find funny ones at least.  As always, we have to work with the news cycle we've got.  Thanks to all our submitters for punching up headlines on not-funny news, you're doing the lord's work.

On a related note, on this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast: it wasn't easy but we managed to round up some funny coronavirus stories - including "Can you catch COVID-19 from farts?" and media outlets accidentally scaring the bejesus out of folks through bad punctuation, technology, and phrasing.

________________________

A message from toraque:  
________________________ 

It's here!

The 2020 Fark Fiction Anthology is now open for submissions!  We're looking for the best short fiction up to 10,000 words in any of the following genres:

- Fantasy
- Science Fiction
- Humor
- Horror
- Mystery/Suspense/Thriller

As always, entries will be judged by our crack team of editors and Farkers, and the best submissions will be published in paperback and Kindle e-book editions!  Best of all, all proceeds will go to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, so it's all for a good cause!

Have a story to tell?  Want to show your fellow Farkers your literary genius?  Send us what you've got!
The 2020 Fark Fiction Anthology Official Entry And Submissions Page

You can see what your fellow Farkers have come up with over the previous four years right here!
Heart of Farkness: The 2016 Fark Fiction Anthology
Through a Scanner Farkly: The 2017 Fark Fiction Anthology
Everybody Panic: The 2018 Fark Fiction Anthology
Oh, No, Not Again!: The 2019 Fark Fiction Anthology

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 

Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Weird Hal joined in on comparing the ages of various celebrities in a thread about Marisa Tomei
We Ate the Necco Wafers reacted to the news that Kirk Douglas left all of his money to charity
Snatch Bandergrip commented on death row inmate Dylann Roof's hunger strike
Hagbardr won while LuLaRoe salespeople lost
Desert Tripper had a special kind of appreciation for winter
Gordon Bennett gave an example of how much more slowly people age these days
Marisa Tomei isn't attractive enough for Skeleton Man
johnsoninca thought the decision by the owners of DC Comics to plan around the Generation Five (5G) storyline was misguided
bloobeary had a plan to solve Boy Scouts of America's financial problems
Mad Scientist was worried about Dylann Roof's experience in prison

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
The Pope of Manwich Village was upset to hear that Pope Francis is ill

Smart:
Benevolent Misanthrope pointed out that God works in mysterious ways
Ivo Shandor shared an example of how flat Earthers can save themselves some trouble
Magorn dissected a LuLaRoe "success" story
Kenneth Snow explained why scouting is worth saving
skyotter pointed out that something doesn't have to be a problem for you personally in order for you to understand that it's a problem
Cagey B chose to focus on the positive aspects of people having a hobby that others don't understand
dodecahedron figured that flat Earther Mike Hughes changed his mind about one thing before his rocket crashed
Hey Nurse! compared a personal experience of becoming a nurse to what a LuLaRoe rep paid for it
jaytkay knew why the founder of LuLaRoe got so creative when naming her brand
TotallyHeadless noticed a flaw in a young couple's financial planning

CSB Sunday Morning: What's the most unexpected thing you've ever seen someone do at work?
Smart: Adolf Oliver Nipples has a really awesome boss
Funny: Boe's former coworker had an important message to share on her way out the door
Note:Be sure to check out the thread. There are a lot of laughs to be had in the Funny votes and a lot to learn (especially for bosses) in the Smart pile.

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies). 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: rosekolodny learned what a potential buyer of some carboys (those big bottles used for home brewing) had in store for them - and there's also an update thread that includes a great story from rickythepenguin
Funny: IvyLady shared a sad story about a long(ish)-distance relationship
Smart: Smock Pot shared a photo of a cuddly kitty
Smart: meat0918 gave advice to someone who claims their boss can't make payroll on time
Funny: flucto got a trumpet ready to go out
Smart: We Ate the Necco Wafers worked out the math on a TotalFarker's relationship issue
Funny: Chris Ween read a headline and took a guess about the rest of the story
Smart: rosekolodny discussed how levels of poorness affect health care options

Politics Funny:
AdmirableSnackbar explained President Donald Trump's confusion during his visit to India
Weird Hal summed up what happened when Ted Cruz assumed Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez didn't know what a Y chromosome is
OdradekRex explained why Trump didn't know where he was
Sin'sHero cited evidence that Jesus would've been a Republican
dr_blasto figured that Trump is going to set yet another stock market record

Politics Smart:
NewportBarGuy wasn't too worried about the perception that America is surrendering
hubiestubert wanted to explain to Trump why he could stop worrying about the stock market so much
AdmirableSnackbar argued that the Democratic nomination will go to one of two candidates
Rozotorical sarcastically posted Chris Matthews' apology for relating Bernie Sanders winning the Democratic nomination to the Nazis taking France
Benevolent Misanthrope discussed groups like One Million Moms trying to keep their children from knowing about gay people


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking found a girlfriend for a guardian
Yammering_Splat_Vector put the class clown on the cover of the Fark yearbook
DarkJohnson showed the kind of camel a princess might have
hail2daking got help for some sad characters
retrophil added the propulsion this ship needed
RedZoneTuba showed us why Olive Oyl started dating Popeye
Yammering_Splat_Vector found the hardest working camel in the world
hail2daking wanted to destroy her sweater
hail2daking gave us a look at the first Batplane
PhotoshopCrazy captured Herbie's last ride
Cosmix found Michelin giving zero stars
hail2daking went to the cannibals' grocery store

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
DarkJohnson made an episode of "Fark Trek" along with a Photoshop

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 773: "Silver and Gold" ended in a Tutankhamuny tie between D_PaulAngel's photo of replicas of golden doors to the boy king's shrine and BecauseISaidSo's solar hawk horus figure

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another great time on the Quiz last week, with a bona-fide 1000 club winner. M-G took first place with 1025, but unfortunately the golden chalice is in the dishwasher, the big screen is acting funny, and the cat shed all over the throne. But hey, bragging rights, eh? Wizzywig took second with 938, followed by senorbdub in third with 928, Dead Skin Mask right behind in fourth with 925, and Irishyankee954 finishes out the top five with 904.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over where you could go to get a truly vegan cheeseburger with plant-based artificial cheese-like product on your artificial meat-like burger. Only 25% of quiztakers knew that it was White Castle who was the first to offer this - and were also the first to offer the Impossible burger patty at all locations. I'm guessing this is something Harold and Kumar won't be ordering in the next film.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about the flavoring ingredient in tonic water. 95% of quiztakers knew that tonic water was originally made as a way to make the malaria drug Quinine palatable (spoonful of sugar AND bubbles, I guess) to soldiers who needed the malaria treatment. I guess it was only natural that tonic water drinkers started adding gin to give them a more immediate satisfaction for stomaching the bitter stuff. Either that, or gin was the only booze they had and they added the tonic so they could get that horrible stuff down.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the meaning of "glabella." Only 50% of quiztakers knew that it was that space between your eyebrows that most people are either too obsessed or not obsessed enough with plucking hairs from. Its name comes from the bone that sits under there that connects your brows in your skull. Do with this information what you will.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the parentage of the singer Lourdes Leon. 85% of quiztakers knew that she was the daughter of pop singer Madonna. It makes sense, I guess - Lourdes is the town in France where the Virgin Mary (aka Madonna) was said to have appeared eighteen times to a local woman way back in 1858. Hopefully the pop singer Madonna (btw, that *is* her actual name from birth) has appeared more than eighteen times to her daughter. But who knows, with all the touring she's still doing.

Congratulations once again to the winners, and you can find this week's Fark Weird News Quiz right here.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

On this week's episode of the Fark and Schnitt podcast: Check out our interview with Bill Bastone, the founder of The Smoking Gun.  Bonus: high praise for the Fark community and all about that one time Bill called me for help with TSG's investigation into William Shatner's Horse Semen custody lawsuit
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
kryptoknightmare bragged about being an exciting lover
WTP 2 told Farkers what to do about vertical videos
Devolving_Spud knew how to find out what's in an inaccessible room that was auctioned off for £1
HempHead figured out who should've been in charge of the failed implosion of an 11-story Dallas office building
Abe Vigoda's Ghost gave Heather Graham a new look
syrynxx had an idea for what to do with the inaccessible room, and a question about British cuisine
Xploder was proud of something pants-related
Promo Sapien colorfully expressed belief that a link was indeed safe for work
GungFu showed a character that had a cameo in "Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker"
coronavirus listed some preparations in case of COVID-19 outbreak

Bonus FarkStaff Picks:
We all got a good laugh out of this thread full of random silliness, where several of you shared your ideas of what the inside of a modern farm tractor might look like.
FarkStaff enjoyed the creative ways Farkers came up with for getting into a second-floor British apartment with no outside access.

Smart:
fat boy gave more information about a comedian who broke quarantine after being exposed to COVID-19
FormlessOne looked at the attitude that allows abuse to flourish in the entertainment and fashion industries
meanmutton wasn't impressed with a particular treatment for COVID-19
Ishkur needed a time machine to stop this from happening
Herr Morgenstern gave examples of how deepfake technology can eventually cause legal problems
silvervial explained why it's ridiculous to claim it's ridiculous to worry about COVID-19
Mugato compared female-led movies based on comic books and video games
Martian_Astronomer addressed the perception that science fiction is crap
valenumr argued that COVID-19 is going to spread despite precautions
koder discussed the value of sci-fi

CSB Sunday Morning: "You're never going to believe this, but there I was..."
Smart & Funny: Catlenfell started the day Fark-style

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies). 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Old Man Winter answered a weird question about female anatomy
Funny & Smart: croesius gave advice that applies to both cookies and butts
Funny: sarahthustra was surprised by a thread a TotalFarker submitted while waiting for help after running out of gas
Funny: Streetwise Hercules broke the bad news about hiding a boat purchase from your spouse
Smart: HairyNevus advised a TotalFarker who was having trouble with Facebook
Funny: feckingmorons had a familiar problem

Politics Funny:
mrshowrules explained the sophisticated technology allowing people to climb over the U.S.-Mexico border wall
Uncle Eazy pointed out the reason people from Mexico should be allowed to climb over the border wall
optikeye had a retort for numbers showing that Christians are overrepresented in Congress
MaliFinn showed Trump taking Pete Buttigieg up on his offer
Cubansaltyballs gave up on trying to discuss Trump administration corruption

Politics Smart:
Benevolent Misanthrope argued that nothing will happen if Trump offered Julian Assange a pardon if he would cover for Russia
Gubbo commented on an argument the House of Representatives is using to try to obtain information
MattytheMouse pointed out why a new virus getting out in the U.S. would be catastrophic
bloobeary reminded us about how Kevin McCarthy described the person who met with Assange to discuss a deal
not enough beer thought that Trump had another reason for wanting to kill Hamza bin Laden


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking figured that the 2020 Summer Olympics need a new slogan as well as a redesigned logo
DarkJohnson's Olympics logo highlighted the opening ceremony
hail2daking emphasized modern technology that enabled multitasking
Snubnose gave the 2020 Olympics a health-conscious mascot
hail2daking found romance in nature
Terrapin Bound gave Banksy a run for his money
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us the ancient Egyptian monument to Anubis
hail2daking discovered that the name of this small city can make things very confusing
west.la.lawyer rode around town in style
Kick The Chair brought the best game ever to arcades
DarkJohnson showed us Amazon's new smart speaker

Captions:
Note: There were no caption contests last week, but I forgot to do them for the previous week, so here ya go:
PainInTheASP added a complaint about a ride being too crowded
SirDigbyChickenCaesar revealed the reason for these unhappy expressions
Devolving_Spud found out what the NRA is up to these days
TheSteelCricket discovered that hockey players have their priorities
sithon noted the pros and cons of an innovative new sanitation technology
RedZoneTuba realized this furniture mover needed help

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 772: "In Deep Shadow 2" ended in a tie between Allivymar's sexy squirrel sunset silhouette and MorningBreath's Sunshine State sunrise

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz last week, although the 1000 club remains empty yet again. bud jones came out on top with 994, followed by bobobolinskii in second with 950 and State_College_Arsonist in third with 947. Oliver Twisted made fourth with 925, and skloon squeezed into the top five with 924.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over the previous career of Broadway actor Nnamdi Asomugha. Only 30% of quiztakers knew that he was an 11-year veteran of the NFL, with a three-time All-Star career playing for the Oakland Raiders, Philadelphia Eagles, and San Francisco 49ers. He got his start as a walk-on in the NBC series "Friday Night Lights", and you can currently see him in the Pulitzer Prize-winning show "A Soldier's Play."

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over what the "WD" in "WD-40" stood for. 83% of quiztakers knew that it was "water displacement", and got its name because it was the 40th formula the makers had tried. I will say that it is far from the 40th formula I try when I've got a rusted part.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about the huge hit "Wagon Wheel" as performed by Darius Rucker. Only 49% of quiztakers knew that the song came from a chorus recorded in 1973 by Bob Dylan, with verses added by Ketch Secor of Old Crow Medicine Show in 1998. It's not the first time Rucker has showcased his affinity for Bob Dylan tunes, as evidenced by the legal kerfluffle over Hootie and the Blowfish's "Only Wanna Be With You," which eventually resulted in a nice payout of royalties to Dylan. 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the 2020 Olympics. 82% of quiztakers knew that despite fears of the Corona virus, the games were still on in Tokyo, Japan. No word on if they've created a new furry mascot for the virus.

Congratulations to the winners, and be sure and check out this week's Quiz.

... right into his heart.

Like it? It's the tagline for "Fark: The Movie." It'll be a romantic comedy.'

No? Fine, everyone's a critic. Back to the drawing board.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

On this week's episode of the Fark and Schnitt podcast, Todd and I discuss the first few actually funny Corona Virus stories we've seen, plus all about radar detectors in Pennsylvania and how that ties into Italian tourism traffic scams.  Bonus: what's funnier than a toilet in the middle of the road? You can probably guess.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
hundreddollarman knew what an exotic dancer should do after she fell off her pole and hurt herself
MattytheMouse shared a personal story about being ghosted
DubtodaIll explained going on a cruise
EdwardTellerhands figured out why there haven't been any mobile homes built in California since the '80s
thorpe didn't need advice about toilet paper
LowbrowDeluxe gave advice for watching Aubrey Plaza's opening monologue for the Film Independent Spirit Awards
mrshowrules revealed the reason cops were suspicious of a teen traveling with his swim team
bigfatfattyfatfat answered a question about protective equipment worn to guard against COVID-19 infection
Shadow Blasko provided detailed instructions for dealing with an aggressive goose
Monkeyfark Ridiculous knew why a video of someone dropping an ice core down a 450-foot hole ended up disturbing Cormee's cat

Smart:
beezeltown had a good rant about ticket sellers and scalpers
AsparagusFTW listed some additional factors that can contribute to "air rage"
edmo made an observation about churches that have a lot of money
jonjr215 was hoping to see the ultimate show from a huge star
Private_Citizen figured that if someone ghosts you, you should probably just accept it
Pocket Ninja imagined what a Catholic school might've said to a woman they asked to leave because she was pregnant and unmarried
bighairyguy thought a student should have reacted differently when a sheriff's deputy threatened to shoot him
TheOmni did a lot of work to figure out whether or not an estimate on average toilet paper usage is accurate
Auntie Cheesus discussed being careful when choosing stones to use in jewelry
aagrajag made a comment that's worth reading especially for the last three words

CSB Sunday Morning: That time you met someone famous
Smart: siyuntz ran into the perfect celebrity to meet after a wedding
Funny: The Pope of Manwich Village showed off for a 90-year-old man

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies). 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: MorningBreath shared a beautiful memorial to the late Farker The NaSkAr (TheNaSkAr's memorial thread from 2010 is here)
Smart: JerseyTim reacted to a question about dating or marrying virgins
Funny: meg12279 expressed a desire to marry another TotalFarker
Funny: buttercat warned about the lesser-known dangers of a drunken hookup
Funny: whatshisname advised a Farker who wasn't getting the expected voltage from home electrical outlets

Politics Funny:
Mojongo responded to Trump's NASCAR plans with an opinion that could be about the Daytona 500 or something else
King Something implied no1curr might've been right about the source of "a massive release of sulfur dioxide gas" from Wuhan
Streetwise Hercules agreed with Trump comparing himself to a king
UltimaCS gave an example of conservative humor
bigfatfattyfatfat showed proof that someone's fermenting hostility

Politics Smart:
NewportBarGuy struggled with a portion of the population that everyone thinks doesn't include them
Diogenes didn't think some ideologies justify causing people to ask, "Who was that masked man?"
wademh listed some reasons the Trump-Russia investigation was not a "scam" or a "hoax"
raerae1980 thought a complaint from a Brexit supporter was familiar
OptionC figured that one candidate can break out the big guns against Donald Trump early and often


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Pista discovered a tiny battle for the Force
Herb Utsmelz showed what happens when you invite a certain meme girl to your birthday party
RedZoneTuba caught the moment just before a cat fight
RedZoneTuba gave Drew exactly what he wanted for his birthday
TrollingForColumbine gave Drew a fake tan and new hairstyle
Herb Utsmelz sent this rocket away with a good luck kiss
RedZoneTuba revealed where an insurance company mascot got his credentials
Yammering_Splat_Vector got some help capturing that pesky bird
Cork on Fork mastered the most challenging art medium of all
RedZoneTuba found out what a real log ride looks like

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 771: "Anything Goes 2" ended in a tie with common sense is an oxymoron's better-than-good blue heron and D_PaulAngel's mask of a boy king from Arizona

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

The 1000 club remains empty once more, but only barely so. MrCynical takes the top spot with 994, followed by Bslim in second with  970 and Al_Khowarizmi in third with 949. Kidsmakeyoucrazy makes fourth with 945, and freakingmoron rounds out the top five with 942.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over car maker Ferrari and their decision to print up all the marketing materials for their upcoming SUV called the "Purosangue," because all the cool kids are building SUVs and all the good names are taken. No one was laughing harder than the Purosangue Foundation, an Italian anti-drug and anti-blood-doping charity that has owned the trademark since 2013. Only 33% of quiztakers caught this article, or knew enough French to know it kinda translates to "Clean Blood" - which is a better name for an anti-doping charity than a SUV by a company that makes sports cars.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over the acquisition of startup Harry's, Inc by consumer products Edgewell. 82% of quiztakers knew that Harry's is in the razor business, and Edgewell is the parent company of Schick. Regulators thought this might create less consumer choice, as it congregated too much of one industry under one roof. The deal has since fallen through.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over hummus maker Sabra and their "How do you 'mmus" commercial. Only 34% of quiztakers caught the article about the fact that "'mmus" is a transliteration of the Arabic word for "to suck." I personally think this was one of those "wink wink" things that was supposed to get more free publicity for the company, but ultimately backfired because no one really cares about commercially-produced chickpea mush.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the upcoming "sequel" to "The Big Lebowski" featuring the continuing adventures of John Turturro's character Jesus. 89% knew that 73-year-old Susan Sarandon would still be "bringing it" in a steamy 3-way scene with Turturro and actor Bobby Cannavale. I'm going to give it a ... maybe?

Congratulations to the winners, and be sure to check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz.

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

My birthday fundraiser for the Roswell Foundation was awesome.  We had over 100 folks show up, both Farkers and other friends of mine.  The problem with drinking w00tstout is it's about 13% ABV, but it doesn't taste anywhere near that strong, and it's also slow acting.  I'm glad I didn't make any specific plans for Saturday because ho boy, w00tstout. Anyhow, no casualties were reported, however we didn't finish all the w00tstout - there's still some on tap and raising money for Roswell at The Chase Brewing Company if you happen to be in central Kentucky anytime soon.    

On today's Fark and Schnitt podcast episode - I manage to segue from a discussion of how media prioritizes coronavirus over the flu, to a naked meth'ed-up Richard Quest arrest in 2008, and then back again to my original point.
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
foo monkey noticed that kryptoknightmare brought up an unusual topic of interest
buntz knew what happened when the "cash me outside" girl sent a 1-cent check with a rude message to scammers
Shadow Blasko was angered by a Fark headline about "The Empire Strikes Back"
NewportBarGuy explained why a headline typo was probably accurate
LordOfThePings figured out what it meant when an article said that a man stole some stolen lottery tickets
Weatherkiss speculated on the circumstances of Kirk Douglas' death
Yoda's Pen Is felt that a certain difference of opinion could not be tolerated
toraque defended Elon Musk's strange tweet about strawberries
KidKorporate pointed out that Kobe Bryant died as he lived
BKITU thought about what it would be like to be known as the "heiress to the Hot Pockets fortune"

Smart:
GRCooper told a story about hanging out with Kirk Douglas
not enough beer discussed the profession of bounty hunting
kyleaugustus made a point about Bernie Madoff's request to be released from prison early
edmo commented on the practice of drug testing patients who just gave birth
Klivian tried to ruin what sounds like a good way to score some free doughnuts
Pocket Ninja interpreted a study's findings about people who own luxury vehicles
grokca remarked on a pastor's "warning" against marrying single mothers
semiautomagic shared some information about food with poppy seeds causing false positives on drug tests
PunGent asked a question about how much bounty hunting pays
MrBallou had advice for a 58-year-old who has no savings and is worried about retirement

CSB Sunday Morning: The moment your faith in humanity was restored
Smart: Hankie Fest witnessed a good deed at the dollar store
Note: Be sure to read through the smart comments for a lot of great stories. 
Funny: Yoleus discovered a sheep in trouble

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies). 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: BKITU thanked the community for being there
Funny: fly_gal witnessed someone stealing from a (Canadian) liquor store
Funny: Candygram4Mongo discovered that the instructions for making gum were unclear
Smart: HairyNevus suggested throwing out the fiance with the racist bathwater
Smart: CommieTaoist came up with a gentler approach to a wedding dilemma
Smart: DocBubba is is very good at accessorizing
Funny: sarahthustra figured out what a mysterious toy with a USB cord must be
Funny: Al_Ed wasn't impressed by another TotalFarker's claim

Politics Funny:
Xcott wanted to conduct an experiment with that very orange-faced, windswept hair photo of Donald Trump
Wookie Milson thought that Kansas Republicans shouldn't be so angry about the lack of tax cuts
AdmirableSnackbar revealed what Nancy Pelosi actually tore up after Trump's State of the Union speech
The Dog Ate My Homework pointed out the problem with OptionC's fatality rate comparison
Weatherkiss explained why Pelosi was seen tearing up papers

Politics Smart:
AdmirableSnackbar considered the odds of Rush Limbaugh being diagnosed with advanced lung cancer
nmrsnr thought that a senator's threat to impeach Joe Biden if he wins said something about Republicans' intentions
Benevolent Misanthrope compared Trump to a man the Second Continental Congress labelled a tyrant
markie_farkie gave some reasons an excuse offered for Trump's actions in regards to Ukraine and the Bidens didn't work well
wademh thought Trump had more than one reason to fire Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
CrossEyed reunited Sonny and Chair
west.la.lawyer exposed The Thing
CrossEyed showed that perhaps more than one apostle betrayed Jesus
wickedfish decided to help people who might misunderstand what a coronavirus is
RedZoneTuba created another means of transportation for President Trump
RedZoneTuba thought that this floating table should have a leg
Kick The Chair made sure the president is safe from possible contagions
hail2daking found that this cat took grooming its colorful tail to a whole new level
Circusdog320 tried to sort out some cat drama
hail2daking decided that the vintage electronics in this room did not spark joy

Farktography:
common sense is an oxymoron won Farktography Contest No. 770: "Special K" with a photo fit for a teeny tiny king

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

It was a fun time on last week's Quiz, but we didn't even get anyone in the 900 club, much less the 1000 club.
englaja took first with 879, followed by Denjiro in second with 855 and asleep71 in third with 825. jasonvatch made fourth with 822, and CatRevenge rounds out the top five with 748. Hopefully things are a bit easier this week.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over which country had overtaken South Korea to top Bloomberg's list of Most Innovative Countries. Only 19% caught the article and knew that it was now Germany that was considered to be the world's home to the most new ideas. FWIW, the U.S. is ranked number 9, probably because the patent office still hasn't gotten back to me on my beer helmet design with integrated VR.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about what was missing on the Brexit commemorative 50p coin. Although the idea of putting in a quote from a rebellious colonial slaveholder was a bit controversial, and the fact that it's not even an exact quote ("peace, commerce, and honest friendship with all nations" was what Jefferson actually said in his First Inaugural Address), it's the lack of the Oxford comma that has many people in a stir. JFK and Stalin in their stripper gear nod approvingly along with the 76% of quiztakers who got it right.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over Taco Bell and their Halloumi Crunchwrap, for now available only in their Cyprus locations (seriously, this is the American culture we export?). Only 43% of quiztakers knew that Halloumi was a type of cheese in the Mediterranean, usually browned or fried before serving. It sounds delicious; we really should be importing these things rather than exporting the Gordita.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the Chinese Zodiac. 86% of quiztakers knew that we are now in the Year of the Rat. Just remember that the last Year of the Rat was 2008, when things got really bad with the Great Recession but the year ended with a lot of hope for the future. Maybe we'll get the same this time around again.

Congratulations to the winners, and go check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz!

I didn't ask Drew if it would be okay to use that as the headline, so please don't tell him about it.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hope everyone survived Super Bowl weekend.  I didn't see any articles about making Super Bowl Monday a national holiday this year, but I was certainly feeling it Monday morning.  

We've got a couple of things on deck this week - first off, I'm hosting a huge Fark party in Lexington this Friday, February 7th starting at 7 p.m.  For my birthday, my local bar the Chase Brewing Company is going to have six varieties of w00tstout available with all profits going to the Roswell Foundation for cancer research.  Profits, because Kentucky law says you can't give beer away (boo). Also in attendance will be Greg Koch, founder of Stone Brewing and fellow w00tstout collaborator.  

Speaking of my birthday, if you're looking to get me something, either feel free to kick in a donation to my Empire State Ride across NYC fundraiser and/or sign up for TotalFark!  Sometime this week or next, we're going to be having a conversation on TotalFark forums about a new ad unit, and I'm looking forward to your feedback on it.  It may end up being next week because I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a two-day hangover after this Friday. But we'll see!

In this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, we have on-the-ground updates from inside China on the Corona beer virus, how the Chiefs destroyed Kansas City's mafia 50 years ago, and I recount the horrors experienced while surviving Dry January,
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We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
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Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
flucto discovered that a simple adjustment to a car's timing belt can save money on gas
Circusdog320 showed how dangerous a large boulder the size of a small boulder can be
styckx made plans to try out some life hacks from the internet
Mike_LowELL thanked Kobe Bryant for his legacy
Jack Sabbath wanted to know if the day after is too soon
TheChaosPath did the ol' Fark "R.I.P." meme
beezeltown came down hard on a fertility doctor who used his own swimmers to impregnate patients
groppet will always come through for fellow Farkers
Circusdog320 did not believe what a sheriff's office had to say about a road hazard
markie_farkie shared one simple trick to increasing your car's gas mileage

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
akya wasn't about to pay twice as much for movies just because they're longer

Smart:
Chevello was reminded of an old trick that trolls pull on internet newbies
davidphogan explained that when firefighters break windows of cars blocking hydrants to run the hose through them, it's not just to teach the driver a lesson
A phrase in an article caused Shostie to fall into a black hole of confusion
Morchella was impressed with a spider's behavior
Charlie Freak discussed helicopter safety features and recommendations
silvervial was reconsidering opinions about some creatures
washburn777 pointed out that an undercover cop encouraged a man to break the law
tuxq pointed out that being broke now doesn't necessarily mean you've always been broke
I hereby demand that I be given a Fark account checked the numbers on the flu and the new coronavirus from China
hubiestubert's teacher was nearly chosen instead of Christa McAuliffe to fly on the Challenger

CSB Sunday Morning: What's the nicest thing you've ever seen someone do?
Smart: Gulper Eel discovered that a sweet gesture can come back to you just when you need it
Note: Be sure to read through the smart comments. There are some very touching stories in there. 
Funny: The Pope of Manwich Village shared a story about Cowboys and Vikings, but unfortunately it's about football and not actual cowboys and Vikings

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: sarahthustra had the perfect answer to the question, "What are five words that describe you?"
Funny: meg12279 showed that, at least in one case, merrillvillain was wrong about what other Farkers choose to put in their notes
Smart: olapbill advised anyone who ends up on a plane where the passenger seats face each other
Funny: WickerNipple showed that Unikitty was right
Funny: Beeblebrox learned a new word
Funny: oldfarthenry found the charging cables a submitter was looking for
Funny: craigzy had an idea for what Fark should do for April Fools' Day

Bonus FarkStaff Pick, nominated by Murflette:
Honest Geologist let us know all about the big Meat Bundle Mountain

Politics Funny:
Circusdog320 shared proof that John Bolton never heard Donald Trump say anything incriminating
scottydoesntknow reminded us that Trump wasn't the only president to have a Turkey scandal
Farking Clown Shoes tried to boost another Farker's self esteem
MrBallou had a farewell message for Farkers
ralphjr shared some fair and balanced reporting on John Bolton's claims about Trump

Politics Smart:
markie_farkie predicted what will happen after the impeachment trial is over
Chariset pointed out that while Trump was paranoid about Barack Obama, he wasn't paying attention to those close to him
GardenWeasel drew conclusions from voters Biscuit Tin mentioned who are fine with Trump being a Russian agent
OdradekRex knew why President Trump called the press in during his meeting with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu
jake_lex speculated on why Republicans are having difficulty finding candidates to run for some House seats

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
Carn gave an example of a false equivalency


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
DarkJohnson wrote an intro to sex education book
Yammering_Splat_Vector wouldn't settle for your typical mirror selfie
Yammering_Splat_Vector came up with a shortcut to keeping your fish fresh
vygramul discovered that this Toblerone bar has nuts
DarkJohnson captured a photo of the president in his motorcade
DarkJohnson found a Wookiee driving a strange new hybrid
RedZoneTuba brought a treat for all the amphibian lovers
DarkJohnson designed an awkward clock (clockward?)
RedZoneTuba showed us a book that maybe isn't supposed to be for children
Kick The Chair fixed a photo that clearly had been altered to maintain a conspiracy

Farktography:
MorningBreath won Farktography Contest No. 769: "That's Sharp" with a stunning sunbather

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Friday, February 7: Mega W00tstout tapping/Drew's birthday/fundraiser to fight cancer in Lexington, KY

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, please use the Fark Party submission form.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another great time on the Quiz last week, but it's starting to look like we need a 900 club instead of a 1000. ZAZ took top honors with 941, followed by kittyhas1000legs in second with 902 and The_Philosopher_King in third with 900. Megateuthis took fourth with 883, and scrumpox fills out the five spot with 881.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was about the location of the Cold War-era ghost town of 404. Fittingly, it was Not Found by 82% of quiztakers, as only 18% caught the article describing the old reactor site located in the Gobi Desert of Western China. The town's failure was a result of ideological differences between the government of Chairman Mao and the Soviets, who had agreed to help with the reactor there to create a separate nuclear deterrent against what they saw as U.S. domination. 

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over an odd forecast by the National Weather Service in Miami, FL. 94% of quiztakers caught the unusual tweet warning of falling iguanas. They said Floridians should "watch for them." Does this mean like meteor showers, where folks set up the lawn chairs and drink beer in the dark and go "ooooh, a big one!," or does that mean people should wear protective headgear while walking under trees? They didn't specify.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over what kind of commemorative MetroCard you could get if you want to take the MTA in New York. Only 38% of quiztakers knew that it's Patrick Stewart's piercing stare from "Star Trek: Picard" on the latest design. So yes, it seems that after the David Bowie card was successful, they've gone back to another Brit. Not enough love for the Americans like the Wu-Tang clan, who got their own very successful card last year.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which Kraft Heinz spokes-thing met his doom prior to the Superb Owl. 97% of quiztakers knew it was Planter's Mr. Peanut, with most people who saw the ad wondering who he was or why we should care. Kool-Aid Man did show up at his funeral on Sunday, though. Honestly, I think their ad company has no idea what they're doing and just said "Hmmm... Baby Groot... Baby Yoda...."

Congratulations to the winners, and be sure to check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz.