________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis: 
 
Duke Sucks
 
Happy Monday Tuesday, everyone!  I've run into a few people today, all of whom have asked how my NCAA bracket is doing.  For the first time in my life, quite well actually.  Thanks to Duke Sucking plus Villanova and Louisville going out early, I ended up being on top of the bracket pool.  For this week anyhow, no doubt really weird stuff will happen in the next round of games and I'll be mathematically eliminated.
 
But there's nothing better than loading up my springtime-favorite website http://www.diddukewin.com and seeing a glorious "no."
________________________
 
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
________________________
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Microwave - 317
Rachel Maddow - 990
Meals on Wheels - 212
Bacon - 221
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
Mark Ratner spiced up an article
TabASlotB showed us what middle class people look like
calbert defended a guy who played Pokemon Go in church
GnuUzir found another name that's troublesome to have
UberDave brought up the way in which yoga pants offset their damage to the environment
busy chillin' showed us the differences between some exciting celestial events
calbert figured out the crime committed by a guy who humped a "fearless girl" statue
Walker revealed the word some men texted to their wives three times in order to divorce them
wildcardjack gave an example of what being "woke" means
Witty_Retort's user name checked out
 
Smartest:
Action Replay Nick avoided becoming homeless because of a conversation on Fark
Man On A Mission was happy with how a restaurant handled a problem
naughtyrev wondered why Americans can't get any love
Grand_Moff_Joseph told about some good Fark experiences
docpeteyJ talked about suicide among veterans with PTSD
Hyperbolic Hyperbole got some pretty important things from Fark, and gave back cheese powder
Weaver95 recognized how things seem to be going
swahnhennessy pointed out that some things (except for trendy words) will never change
BizarreMan sounded old
LordJiro pointed out that visiting the U.S. isn't so simple anymore
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Power's out
Smartest:Oreminer was reminded that even a farm in rural Nebraska depends on electricity
Funniest:  Peaceboy learned a lot of things after not paying the electric bill
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
knbber2 was excited that Rachel Maddow had Trump's tax returns
shower_in_my_socks was wary of the latest in spytech
fruitloop showed us why Trump was uncomfortable around Merkel
Ivo Shandor revealed why Trump couldn't look Merkel in the eyes
Johnny Rockets had a new take on Bible tracts disguised as money
 
Politics Smartest:
timujin had a message for a Trump supporter who thought Trump didn't realize the situation of people like her
Ambivalence said yes to saying no
dr_blasto thought that a lot of people are in for an unpleasant surprise
Bith Set Me Up railed against the establishment
kronicfeld called out a "both sides are bad" argument
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Alligator gave this car a new family
RedZoneTuba enjoyed some cat tunes
Don_cos found some dastardly drivers in this car
ToastmasterGeneral showed President Trump enjoying an afternoon with the queen
Circusdog320 thought her majesty's horse was too plain for her
Yammering_Splat_Vector found some company for this squirrel
RedZoneTuba discovered that Joe Biden isn't only interested in sports cars
Iggie showed us what happened to this strange strawberry
ToastmasterGeneral brought back an old Fark favorite
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave this happy fellow some new spectacles
 
Farktography:
Earguy's photo of a handsome pointy-eared guy won Farktography Contest No. 619: "Black 2"
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Sunday, April 2nd: Boston Farkers Pub Crawl 
 
If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
Trials to begin using dogs to detect bowel cancer. First challenge: cold noses
 
I laughed. She laughed. The vibrator laughed. I shot the vibrator. It was a good day
 
Cobra has escaped and is terrorizing a residential neighborhood. And now you know, and knowing is half the battle
 
"Stand your ground" extension passes in Florida, raising the bag limit to five
 
Oklahoma politician may face charges after being found with underage male prostitute, as his ethics and Midwest family values come up a little behind
 
Semi carrying fruit crashes on freeway, creates jam
 
D-Wade out for C-Son with fractured L-Bow
 
So why does your body need more iron than your clothes? Well to get the wrinkles out of your birthday suit, for one
 
Sixties pop star Gerry Marsden of Gerry and the Pacemakers collapses onstage four years after his last heart operation. Maybe doctors should put one of those whatchamacallits in his chest
 
It's official: Obama did not tap that Ass
 
Tiffany shines as 4Q profit beats expectations. Debbie Gibson slightly jealous

________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis: 
 
March Madness is finally here.  Every year there are a few TotalFark bracket pools - feel free to jump in one of those.  If anyone wants to set up a Fark Discussion pool, feel free to submit one.  If we get a ton of submissions, I'll pick the pool names I like the most.  Duke sucks.
 
A quick feature update: If you subscribe to TotalFark via Stripe, it now allows you to buy recurring subscriptions for others, which wasn't the case previously.   So if you feel the urge to sign up for either TotalFark or BareFark, have at it!
 
Speaking of which - a generous anonymous Farker has donated ten 1-year TotalFark subscriptions.  This week we're going to post a discussion thread every other day.  Topic: what's the best thing that's happened to you as a result of Fark?  Did you meet your spouse?  Did you end up with a Fark baby?  Did knowing to drink an entire bottle of vodka after consuming anti-freeze end up saving your life as well?  Let us know - the 10 best submissions will get a free TotalFark sub.  Anyone who'd like to sponsor anyone else as a result of an extra-awesome submission, feel free - we'll pass out the 10 subs at the end of the week to whoever still doesn't have one.  
________________________
 
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
________________________
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Basketball - 206
Bracket - 70
Trumpcare - 468
Bacon - 229
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
Pocket Ninja basically skipped a few pages in the Bible
Jingle Strangle shared a photo of Emma Watson
LucklessWonder shared a photo requested by the submitter of an Emma Watson thread
skyotter gave a reason for liking Hooters (the restaurant)
sxacho livened up "Green Eggs and Ham"
whyRpeoplesostupid enhanced a mugshot
iron de havilland protected a koala's modesty
Rapmaster2000 told us about his favorite Hooters waitress
Procedural Texture shared a comic about a concerned father
American-Irish eyes recognized the problems that are ruining an HOA
 
Smartest:
DammitIForgotMyLogin described some crazy crap Facebook pulled
Pocket Ninja basically skipped a few pages in the Bible
UNC_Samurai fought the good fight
demarke shared a story that makes you side with the lawyer
Mentat noted a lack of empathy
wax_on isn't very fond of police officers
J Noble Daggett had a suggestion for Khazir Khan
FormlessOne took another Farker behind the woodshed
fuzzybacchus thought a story deserved more attention
Barfmaker spent time reading an article about going to Hooters
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Farm animal encounters
Smartest: Caelistis told a touching story about a cross-species friendship
Funniest: A young Oakenraven saw firsthand what the devil weed can do
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
centrifugal bumblepuppy shared a disturbing flowchart
Praise Cheesus's father-in-law has heartbreaking problems
Farking Clown Shoes showed what eating too many faces can do to someone
ImOscar shared a tweet about Donald Trump's strategy
Farking Clown Shoes found the president getting a late-night snack
 
Politics Smartest:
dv-ous addressed Paul Ryan's chief complaint about the Affordable Care Act
HighOnCraic imagined how Preet Bharara might respond to trolling from Dinesh D'Souza
Karac thought a kid could use some help
NewportBarGuy called out a lie from Donald Trump
mjjt shared a tweet about Trump's reaction to the latest job figures
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed that a Ford crashed into this guy's roof
RedZoneTuba eavesdropped on a spiritual calling
Alligator created Willie the Sad Clown
Yammering_Splat_Vector put Rapunzel to work
#2 pierced a plastic pony
This wild and crazy guy photobombed Yammering_Splat_Vector's Photoshop entry
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel revealed why Trump is orange
RedZoneTuba showed us the best thing about Heaven
Pure Weapons-Grade Bolonium discovered what else sinks ships
Alligator found two men getting ready for a rally
 
Farktography:
Queen Mab won Farktography Contest No. 618: "The Air Down Here" with a great photo from Mammoth Hot Springs
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Sunday, March 19th: Boston Farkers St. Paddy's Day Pub Crawl 
 
If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
Always after me lucky charms. Well this is the story of a bloke that was not so lucky
 
Mailman caught in the lab
 
Statue of Liberty undergoes metaphor renovation
 
Despite all the dildos, they failed to get off
 
Florist boss shot after dropping child off at daycare. Probably an arranged killing
 
Kirk Cousins wants to escape the other dumpster fire in Washington DC
 
Time crystals observed by scientists for the first time They are described as having 16 corners, 96 hours and 4-simultaneous 24-hour Days within a single rotation of Earth
 
Is Richard Simmons being held in a fitness protection program?
 
Today is the day when all patriotic Americans will show President Trump all the respect he deserves
 
The Hula-Hoop was patented this day in 1963. Take one out for a spin, if you're hip

________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis: 
 
TotalFark subscription drive update: We're still well short of our goal, but things are afoot.  More on those later - in fact we're going to offer a TotalFark promotion in the next week or two as soon as we figure how to code it.  The good news is we're going to make it retroactive to anyone who is already signed up for a full year of TotalFark, as well as to people who sign up after.  So if you get a chance, sign up, sign someone else up, or sign me up for TotalFark and BareFark.  Thanks to everyone who has bought a subscription already, we're not out of the woods yet but we're in far better shape than we were.
 
This week's topic - why are there so many links in the politics tab all of a sudden?  This is an easy one - because there's so much activity in the mainstream news cycle.  Seriously, for the past month I feel like the news cycle is 3x as busy as it was before.  I'm trying to keep them mostly contained on the politics tab but occasionally something will happen that warrants main page attention.  In short, the number of submissions we receive for a tab will have an effect on the number of greenlit links, and the volume has been surging lately.
 
________________________
 
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
________________________
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Wiretap - 449
Recuse - 294
Bill Paxton - 59
Bacon - 303
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
Sin_City_Superhero had a solution to Rachel Dolezal's problems
Danger Avoid Death shared a riddle
Snarfangel responded to another Farker's mockery of a baby name
make me some tea shared a tweet about the big Oscars mix-up
FlashHarry did the RIP meme
Psychopusher envisioned an Oprah Winfrey presidency
medius apparently was dissatisfied with the original placement of a greenlit link
bluorangefyre found someone who was happy about the Oscars confusion
Snarfangel reacted to a criminal being arrested
Unobtanium showed an unaltered photo from Emma Watson's Vanity Fair photo shoot
 
Smartest:
Ambivalence described the future that liberals want
DammitIForgotMyLogin didn't feel any sympathy for some dangerous bigots
Ricardo Klement failed to see the horror in a subway story
Astorix shared a recruitment poster
quatchi discussed what will happen as a result of the White House leaks
Unobtanium appreciated a charge against some racist douchebags
vudukungfu thought that this administration will make history
Cpl.D pointed out that a woman was completely wrong about who she is
vernonFL made a guess as to what the future that conservatives want looks like
MaudlinMutantMollusk knew what else was low at the White House
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Oversleeping
Smartest: None of the CSBs for this one got more than a few votes, probably because oversleeping isn't generally a brainy thing.
Funniest: lovely_filth shared a story about grabbing breakfast on the way to work
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
Walker showed us how Jeff Sessions should have recused himself
phalamir commented about job opportunities in the White House
impaler gave us some help in identifying Russian plants
NewportBarGuy explained why Ivanka Trump attends White House meetings
The Headless Horseman's Headless Horse found out what's behind Trump's allegations against Obama
 
Politics Smartest:
Action Replay Nick was opposed to AOL email accounts
Action Replay Nick thought that secret meetings are different from official meetings
enry pointed out that meeting with Russians isn't always shady
FlashHarry agreed with another Farker on what the next step against Sessions should be
Action Replay Nick suggested that we have a reality problem
(I swear Action Replay Nick did not bribe me in any way.)
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba brought an old administration back to the White House
Iggie created "a visual metaphor"
thatguyoverthere70 threw a tremendous slumber party
The Lurker at Your Threshold found someone appreciating art
thatguyoverthere70 helped the fat lady sing
Iggie gave a slimy model a new look
Surly U. Jest fixed Trump's hair
Herb Utsmelz found Kellyanne Conway in a moment of religious reflection
RedZoneTuba found this guy who is lost again
Surly U. Jest found some attractive wet seats
 
Farktography:
ox45tallboy won Farktography Contest No. 617: "Religion and Spirituality 4" with a biblical sign
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Sunday, March 19th: Boston Farkers St. Paddy's Day Pub Crawl 
 
If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
Five more Best Korean officials executed by anti-aircraft gun after 'enraging' Kim Jong Un. To be fair, if you're going to work in his government, you've got to be ready to catch a lot of flak
 
Professor who has taken a photo of himself every day for the past 30 years now has 11,000 pictures. Or as Kim Kardashian calls that, a pretty good weekend
 
Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions in a car delivered to you because you can't fit through the door
 
After 60 years, Hamilton, Ontari -- CAR -- Hamilton, Ontario legalizes stre -- CAR -- legalizes street ho -- CAR -- After 60 years, Hamilton, Ontario legalizes street hockey a -- CAR -- AFTER 60 YEARS, HAMILTON, ONTARIO LEGALIZES STREET HOCKEY AGAIN
 
Jeff Gordon drove the pace car at the Daytona 500, still finished three places higher than Danica Patrick
 
Researchers store a movie on DNA. Probably GATTACA
 
Dewey Defeats Truman, Oscars edition
 
Trump supporters in NYC say it feels like they're at the Alamo. Ironic tag because that was the battle where the Mexicans won by climbing over the walls
 
Amazon Prime Rib
 
 
Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
We had a doozy of a quiz this week, with only one quiztaker breaking in to the 1000 club. Congratulations go out to Priapetic, the only quiztaker this week with a solid 11 out of 11. Farker edmo grabbed second place with 931, followed closely by CheetahOlivetti with 929 in third. Fourth place goes to Datanerd with 926, and the only other person to get 10 out of 11 was Roja Herring with 903.
 
The hardest question this week was about the continuing adventures of Florida Man. Only 21% of quiztakers caught the story about him taking his motorcycle into a hotel room and revving the engine to the point it backfired and started a small fire. Most quiztakers went for the "Axe Body Spray and lighter" idea, which, I admit, might seem logical at the time, but it just goes to show you, never underestimate Florida Man.
 
This week's easiest question was on which company's CEO had a... let's just say not-so-photogenic conversation with one of his employees. 77% of quiztakers caught the story about Uber CEO Travis Kalanick telling his driver that he believed it was his job to make his driver's job difficult.
 On the Easy Quiz, the hardest question was about which song the Mitsui Corporation in Japan used to inspire employees to get out of the office and enjoy their weekend. Only 34% of quiztakers knew that they used the theme from the movie "Rocky," otherwise known as "Gonna Fly Now," as inspiration to their employees.
 
The easiest question on the Easy Quiz this week was on what a British expat would sell you for $167/liter. 88% of quiztakers knew that it was Swiss Mountain Air. I mean, what are you going to do with a liter of sewage water that might contain some of Lady Gaga's urine anyhow?
 
If you haven't had the chance to take this week's Weird News Quiz, you can do so right here. Be sure to join us this Friday afternoon for another exiting edition. Remember that all questions are taken from this week's weird headlines published on Fark, so the more you keep up, the better you'll do.

________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis: 
 
So lately you may have noticed the general American political climate has become extremely polarized.  There's no telling what caused that exactly. However it's a thing, and we're dealing with it currently. 
 
Because Fark is primarily a humor site, we have an unusually diverse range of political opinions in our community.  If you think about it, there are very few online communities that discuss politics in any form that are anything other than homogeneous. 
 
Generally speaking I try to keep Fark politically neutral.  Mainly because Fark is a humor site and we're all here for the humor, but secondarily Fark is informative as well.  Personally I believe there are good policy ideas on all parts of the political spectrum.  However there are some demonstrably bad policy implementations as well, but in general at the source of most of these ideas you can find people genuinely trying to do a good thing. 
 
I'm personally not a fan of Fake News sites - on both sides of the political spectrum.  I find them to be disingenuous and I believe they're taking advantage of their gullible, frightened audiences and exploiting them for profit and influence.   Not cool. 
 
So with Fake News we have two options - the first one being to not link to those sites at all.  The argument goes that if Fark links to those sites, we are inadvertently supporting them because pageviews generate ad revenue.  This is true, however it's not as impactful as you might think.  Second-tier media websites get something on the order of $2-$4 per thousand pageviews.  Which means even if Fark sent 10,000 people to a fake news site, that would generate at most $40 of revenue for them. 
 
So the other option is to continue to link them in hopes that knowing what Fake News sites are talking about will help you, the reader, be able to explain to others -why- the news is Fake.   I also strongly believe that it's a good thing to be exposed to ideas you might not personally agree with.  Put another way, I would prefer to know what people I don't agree with are talking about. 
 
This is something you can't get many other places online other than Fark.  All social media and search engines use algorithms to give you news that you pretty much only agree with (or in some cases, only news you disagree with - if that's your thing).   Case in point, I read WSJ's Blue Feed Red Feed pretty much daily just to find out what each side thinks represents the daily news cycle.  The two feeds are vastly different.  I think this is actually part of what's driving the deep political divisions we're seeing today.  Most people only read news presented by algorithms that agrees with them so often that they get genuinely angry when confronted by articles they don't agree with. 
 
So we're going to continue to link to Fake News sites.  We're going to continue to present them as ideas you should know exist, because it's better to be aware than be blindsided later.  That's our basic philosophy on the backend. 
 
One thing I'm absolutely not worried about is Farkers being fooled into thinking Fake News is real.  Farkers are incredibly smart and see through Fake News instantly. 
 
Along those lines we're adding a new Fark tag for the first time in awhile - the Fake tag.  So if you submit links from time to time and you'd like to explicitly label your Fake News submissions as such, that's the tag to use.  Enjoy!
 
Also some folks have noticed we're fairly harsh on our treatment of Trump.  This isn't a political decision - politics aside the man is a dangerous idiot.  It has nothing to do with the fact that he's arbitrarily a Republican or that he's somehow conservative - he isn't.  Trump exists outside of politics far as I'm concerned.  So if you detect an anti-Trump slant on Fark, you'd be absolutely correct.  But it's not for political reasons.  And it's absolutely for humor reasons - the man's a self-contained living breathing Florida in human form.
 
And if I may shill here for a second, if you like that attitude feel free to let us know by signing up for TotalFark or BareFark.  Or both!  You can also sign me up for it multiple times if you have it already.  And if you don't like it, well, it's going to be a long four years.  You may want to stay out of the politics tab for a bit.  
 
More next week on what's up with the politics tab lately...
 
________________________
 
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
________________________
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
CPAC - 366
Town hall - 362
Oscar - 572
Bacon - 332
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
bearded clamorer had an idea where a prostitute's child might have come from
Creepy Lurker Guy suggested a plan for stopping people from writing hate speech on whiteboards
fusillade762 noticed something amusing about a court case
nucal found a "Tiny Trump" that another Farker was looking for
bearded clamorer revealed Patrick Stewart's reaction to finding out he's not circumcised
optikeye felt encouraged to release a new invention
SurfaceTension checked an atlas for the name of a crater caused by an explosion
MaudlinMutantMollusk mourned a driver who had very bad luck
Barfmaker answered a question about a homophobe
Krieghund fixed a facepalming for another Farker

 
Smartest:
sithon discussed the lack of skilled workers applying for jobs
Walker posted a tweet about public restroom stranger danger
I'm an Egyptian! had a suggestion for businesses lacking trained job applicants
Grand_Moff_Joseph suggested billing Trump
FormlessOne voiced some concerns about a woman found molded to her chair
HotWingConspiracy translated the complaints of some job creators
Maybe you should drive discussed what it's like to be a cop cop
Closed_Minded_Bastage summed up the argument about states' rights
Lurky McLurkerton gave an example of a bathroom menace
sdd2000 shared a tweet about the type of person women and girls need protection from
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Your Happy Place
Smartest: The Pope of Manwich Village shows off an impressive rock collection
Funniest: Recoil Therapy's happy place was in a Commodore 64
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
Garza and the Supermutants shared a Bernie burn
Cyrus the Mediocre revealed Washington Post's real tagline
thisispete shared The Oatmeal's take on Trump's attackers
Mad_Radhu posted a comic about Trump's need for rallies
Farking Clown Shoes found a book about Trump's origin story
 
Politics Smartest:
SmackLT reacted to the White House excluding some news outlets from a gaggle
timujin thanked Donald Trump for some information
TFerWannaBe pointed out that President Trump is running the country like a business
Courtney Cox-Zucker had some suggestions for getting third-party candidates into the White House
clancifer shared some hypocrisy
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Iggie helped this man show off his inner goddess
RedZoneTuba greatly improved this painting
Yammering_Splat_Vector made this surfer's dive more surreal
RedZoneTuba gave a knight something to fight for
Wrongo found what that same knight does on days off
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel discovered some blackmail material
grampy took us back to the '90s
Circusdog320 added some life to this starry scene
Pure Weapons-Grade Bolonium brought a plane that probably shouldn't fly
RedZoneTuba revealed that Orioles fans fear Real Madrid fans
 
Farktography:
Morchella won Farktography Contest No. 616: "I See Your Point 2" with a bristly branch
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
Man on "trip of a lifetime" dies in plane crash. Well, he got that part right
 
Fake Viagra found in children's hospital, which is just wrong on so many levels
 
Alex Rodriguez begins working as the Yankees special spring training guest instructor. Which means just like when he was still playing, they have no idea of what he's actually getting paid for
 
Giraffe live stream banned from YouTube for nudity and sexual content. Were they necking?
 
Ryan Seacrest's mansion damaged by fire. Investigators checking the theory that the fire started when Brian Dunkleman forgot to unplug his hot plate in the garage
 
Hospital saves dehydrated baby hippo, to be added sparingly to soups and stews
 
Half-eaten shark washes up on Florida beach, as some larger shark is no doubt being scolded about starving sharks in China
 
Police shoot and kill Beaverton man waving a gun around on a roof near an elementary school. Authorities say the shot was not gratuitous
 
How TV influences Donald Trump's foreign policy. And that's fine, look I was raised on TV and I turned out TV
 
The Hellenic Financial Stability Fund is looking for new leadership after burning through five executives in nine months. Resumes should include an ode to Grecian urnings
 
You can see the rest of them right here. 
  
 
Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
I warned you guys we would make it harder this week.Only two people hit the 1000 club. Pinky in the Brain grabbed first with a score of 1036, followed by Twilight Farkle with 1020 and OtherLittleGuy with 951. Pinko Commie and mutterfark tied for 4th with 933 each, and HelperKitty snuck into 5th with a score of 928.
 
A special shout-out (HEEEEY!) goes to Jesus Farking Christ and Sim Tree for helping make this week's quiz possible.
 
The hardest question this week was on what item a guy had hacked in order to play the classic video game DOOM. Only 29% of quiz takers caught the article from The Verge about the guy who demonstrated his Porsche 911 playing a fully functional version of the game, with the steering wheel and accelerator providing motion control, the gear shifter switching weapons, and the horn as the firing button. It is both beautiful and scary at the same time, as he demonstrates the functionality on city streets. Is it just me, or might the turn signals have functioned better as a weapon selector? Or more importantly, maybe he should go to an abandoned airfield to show this off?
 
This week's easiest question was on which famous WWII building Russia would be constructing a replica of in their military-themed adventure park just outside of Moscow. 81% of quiz takers knew it was the German Parliament building The Reichstag. The Reichstag is most well-known for the photograph taken of the Soviet flag being hung from the roof of its bombed-out ruins after the invasion of Germany. This photo was taken in direct response to the iconic photo of U.S. servicemen raising the American flag at Iwo Jima; Soviet propagandists wanted the country to have an image to convey pride in their military's accomplishments to match that of the Americans.
 
On the easy quiz, 94% of quiz takers knew that members of a subset of one of Italy's biggest crime families were busted for smuggling fake Extra Virgin Olive Oil. Rachel Ray is inconsolable.
 
The hardest question on the easy quiz this week was on which TV series Entertainment Weekly had chosen as having the best series finale of all time. Only 30% of quiz takers knew the editors at EW had picked Newhart. M*A*S*H came in at #6 on their list. I'm not sure I agree with their decision; seeing Hotlips lay one on Hawkeye was easily one of the best series payoffs I've ever seen. We'll not talk about Firefly.
 
If you haven't had a chance to take this week's quiz, you can do so right here. Join us again early Friday afternoon for another edition, and remember that all questions are taken from greenlit Fark headlines.

________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis: 
 
I don't want to alarm anyone, but there's apparently a cow rampage going on in Queens right now.  Good news though, I have some experience with this kind of thing.  Happens all the time in Kentucky.  Last time, the cow was apprehended by a local cowboy. All NYC needs to do is find one of those and they'll be totally fine.  And as always, your dog wants steak. 
 
Wait, I'm getting word that the cow has been captured without the use of a cowboy.  Nice job, NYC.  Although I'm not sure I believe they're actually sending the cow to a "cow sanctuary," whatever that is.
 
 ________________________
 
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
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Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Russia - 4042
Michael Flynn - 2192
Mar-a-Lago - 280
Sweden - 506
Bacon - 323
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
PirateKing pointed out how Monopoly is out of date
Johnny Rockets lamented the collateral cost of the death of a KKK imperial wizard
hubiestubert expressed condolences for the imperial wizard's death
Sin_City_Superhero listed the good Samaritans who showed up to help someone
thatguyoverthere70 decried the double standard created when you let your cats get high on catnip
cyberspacedout doubted that whales react to impending earthquakes
Barfmaker found a photo of one of Harrison Ford's near-misses
clodcomplex showed an image from Harrison Ford's last piloting mishap
gaspode was concerned about a news source
LowbrowDeluxe reacted to news of a KKK imperial wizard's death
 
Smartest:
oldernell predicted what might happen after a boss fired his workers for not working on A Day Without Immigrants
Grand_Moff_Joseph found hope in a defiant act by a basketball team
DarkSoulNoHope suggested a way to combat illegal immigration
fusillade762 shared a comparison of how people deal with new information
BumpInTheNight hoped for some happy endings
PirateKing had a message for land-grabby Russians
PirateKing pointed out how Monopoly is out of date
Insertwitty Namehere wasn't sad about a death
Sliding Carp explained why the Oroville Dam was in trouble
fusillade762 knew why a writer of fake news got started
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Accidentally frank
Smartest: HeathenHealer's friend made an observation about HeathenHealer's girlfriend
Funniest: Tatertoot was reminded that kids will rat you out
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
Sudo_Make_Me_A_Sandwich was happy that Trump used his catchphrase again
wandero noticed an alarming problem in the White House
Nied shared some wise words from "The Simpsons"
justafarkingchef posted the reaction of a former Hollywood star who became president
Packaged_Candy summed up a former NSA intelligence analyst's feelings
 
Politics Smartest:
DeadPhelps wrote a comment that was brought to you by the letter "U"
dorko16 thought that a couple of branches were absent from work
FormlessOne had a message for Trump voters
AdmirableSnackbar gave a reason for not believing Trump will go to jail
what_now reacted to news of Michael Flynn's resignation
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba caught the second best ride in the neighborhood
Iggie showed us the most powerful baby in the world
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel's hard work paid off
RedZoneTuba ran into some familiar characters
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel made the Mona Lisa a little less mysterious
Circusdog320 created a cover for the album of the year
RedZoneTuba found a proud father-to-be
whyRpeoplesostupid showed someone getting some bad news
Wrongo found out why James Van Der Beek poops in the woods
Stantz showed someone finding out why gymnasts chalk their hands
 
Farktography:
Elsinore won Farktography Contest No. 615: "Holy Macro!" with some sweet water-on-water action 
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
Here are some of our favorite headlines from this week. You can see the rest and join us for tea-with-your-pinky-sticking-out right here.
 
Donald Trump spreads debunked story about Sanders. Apparently, he's not a Colonel after all
 
Trial starts for woman who chainsawed lover to death during sex, having apparently read a misprint of "Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way"
 
Man turns himself in for bestiality charges, because the evidence against him was mounting
 
Harrison Ford to air traffic control: "Everything is perfectly alright now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?"
 
Abilify drug blamed for compulsive gambling, eating, shopping and sex. Sounds like it lived up to its name
 
Pelicans' Buddy Hield grabs Kings' DeMarcus Cousins by groin, gets ejected. Most painful sack of the year
 
Deforestation in Brazil has increased 30% in the past 12 months. It would have been even more but apparently they decided to leave a landing strip
 
Turns out the articles weren't all that great
 
Trump appoints an art historian to the National Security Council because nobody told him those Dan Brown books were fiction
 
Oregon looks to fund education budget with a proposed coffee tax. Starbucks customers immediately protest over taxation without caffeination
 
NFL and CBS discuss ways to make games shorter. Atlanta Falcons immediately suggest ending their games after the first half  
 
 
Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
We made it waaaay too easy for you this week, with no less than 7 users in the 1000 club. We won't make that mistake again in our next quiz. In first place this week is Panic Near Detroit with 1041, followed closely by caddisfly with 1037 and bratface with 1036. In fourth place was whither_apophis scoring 1030, and Hawkin05 and GunPlumber tied for fifth, each scoring 1025. Since it was so close, I'll also give a shout-out to bikerbob59, whose score of 1024 also gets in the 1000 club.
 
The easiest question this week was about the Monopoly tokens. A whopping 95% of quiz takers knew that you will soon no longer be stuck with the thimble in a game with many players. I guess if you really, really like the thimble (you weirdo), you can always go dig in Grandma's sewing basket. You won't find a tiny racecar or a miniature shoe there, so I call it a wash. It beats Grandma rooting about in your Monopoly case.
 
The hardest question this week was about a proposed tax in Oregon. Only 48% of quiz takers knew that an Oregon state legislator had proposed a tax on coffee. No word on if the Kahlua shots will cost extra as well.
 
If you haven't had a chance to take the quiz, you can do so right here. Thanks to all quiz takers, and we'll see you next week!

________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis: 
 
Subscription drive update:
 
Last week, we were at 1900 total new TotalFark and close to 1000 BareFark subscribers since we started about a month ago.
 
However, we dropped 400 TotalFark subscribers in the past week.  This is likely due to the fact that it has been a month since we made the announcement about Google incident in October, and a bunch of one-time $5 subscriptions were purchased.  I remain optimistic.
 
BareFark subscriptions have leveled off but haven't dropped any - they've remained steady.  Looks like most people opted for year-long subscriptions there.  Thank you so much!
 
It's not super-worrying, but we're also still kind of far off what we need to repair the financial damage from late 2016.
 
So if you have signed up, thank you so much!  If you haven't had a chance yet, please do so.  $5 a month makes a world of difference to us!  It got us through January, but we're not out of the woods yet.
 
 
Updated iPhone App:
 
We've launched a new version of our iPhone app - it's called Hey! On Fark!.  I find myself using this more than the desktop version these days.  It's not super complicated, and there's a great notifications feature to alert you to breaking news, specific news you want, and/or people mentioning you in threads.
 
NEW FEATURES
- Submit articles directly to Fark from Safari
- Fark StickerPack for Messages
- Use saved Safari username/password to log into the app.
- Improved Fark site view performance
 
BUG FIXES
including...
- Fix problem loading some linked articles
- Fix problem with posting images in comments
- Screen size updates for the larger iPhone sizes
- Back button now goes back to where you left off, instead of reloading and jumping to the top
 
We don't have an Android version - mainly because we don't have enough resources to develop one.  However if anyone wants to take a crack at it, we've got an excellent prototype in the iPhone app.  The biggest problem in coding software is getting the spec right, a straight replication would do the trick.  If anyone's interested in helping, drop me an email. Drew at Fark dot com
 
 
San Francisco Fark Party 2/7 wrap-up:
 
Thanks to everyone who came out for the birthday bash - that was a great showing!  We had balloons, cupcakes, and an impromptu sauna-type atmosphere thanks to some amazing humidity from the brewing rooms in the back.  Special thanks to Farker xxxx who called in right near the end and bought us a full pitcher of the strongest beer they had on tap.  It's literally the last thing I remember, which in birthday parlance is known as "doing it right".  Thanks again to everyone who came!
 
We're doing some advance planning for a party in SF in October.  If you'd like to host a Fark party in your area let us know. We'll schedule it up for you and if I can make it I will!
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
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Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
She persisted - 45
See you in court - 57
Melissa McCarthy - 182
Nordstrom - 264
Grammy - 126
Valentine - 345
Bacon - 296
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
HighlanderRPI knew what made it possible for passengers to clean Nazi graffiti in a subway car
Farking Clown Shoes showed someone who is impatient with Trump's tweets
WordsnCollision expressed concern for a cartoon willy (warning: cartoon willy at top of thread)
somedude210 had a slogan for the company that operated the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant
Pocket Ninja advised a Farker who didn't want to put cold ketchup on hot food
Solid State Vittles gave advice on getting a spider to move out
Abe Vigoda's Ghost changed a sign to make it very confusing for a second
fusillade762 clarified a tweet
Walker explained why a woman was upset when a daycare worker breastfed her son
fusillade762 answered another Farker's question about the afterlife
 
Smartest:
what_now reacted to a controversial commercial
F-14Tomcat shared some information about building contractors
eurotrader made a guess about armed men who walked into a police station
Silverstaff thought that some votes don't make sense
maldinero thought 84 Lumber had a plan
Ow! That was my feelings! recommended taking your head out of your butt
El_Perro wanted to know why an activity should be illegal
HighlanderRPI knew what made it possible for passengers to clean Nazi graffiti in a subway car
docpeteyJ explained that first responders can still be disturbed by things they see
J Noble Daggett disagreed with reasoning behind a proposed law
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Friendly bets
Smartest: harleyquinnical lost a bet and introduced a fellow Farker to a great beer
Funniest: Anokha was a gracious winner
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
The Pope of Manwich Village showed what could be Trump's reaction to a ruling he didn't like
simplicimus had a helpful suggestion for people boycotting Budweiser
Mrs.Sharpier shared a tweet reacting to Trump's "SEE YOU IN COURT" tweet
Rapmaster2000 shared a story about an American hero going to Congress
markie_farkie explained what's happening with the Russian dossier on Trump
 
Politics Smartest:
hubiestubert had feelings about people who are angry about a commercial
clancifer shared some information about Trump's loyalty
somedude210 was grateful for something that limits the president's power
Kome wanted to talk about what's really happening to a historic degree
Weaver95 thought the purge was just getting started
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Herb Utsmelz made Princess Leah's buns a lot more badass
Iggie added a challenge to this commute
Rev.K made Drew speak
RedZoneTuba showed us what cats can do with prosthetic feet
Surly U. Jest revealed the truth about a scientist
JAGUART found Drew getting refreshments for his birthday party
Yammering_Splat_Vector posted a comparison of presidential portraits
Mirrorz sent Drew on a joy ride
Yammering_Splat_Vector will soon be blowing up Alderaan (best wishes for you, YSV)
Noitall made an unnatural love slightly more natural
 
Farktography:
CAPTIAN SLAPPY won Farktography Contest No. 614: "Happiness Is...(2)" with a hot spring soaker.
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.

________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis: 
 
Subscription drive update: We're at 1900 total new TotalFark and close to 1000 BareFark subscribers since we started about a month ago.  Thanks for signing up!  If you haven't had a chance please do so, we're still behind where we need to be revenue-wise thanks to the Google incident in October. $5 a month makes a world of difference to us!
 
My birthday is tomorrow and we're doing a Fark Party in San Francisco at Black Hammer Brewery starting around 6pm.  I'm in town working on a project that I'll be announcing in another week or two, if you want to know sooner than that come out Tuesday night and I'll tell you in person!
 
It's not just my birthday, it's also Fark's birthday.  I don't have an exact record of what day Fark started, but at some point during February back in 1999, the first Fark links were posted on the site.  We've been doing this for 18 years now.  Looking back, I could have never anticipated the changes we've all seen, the people we've met.  It's been a truly amazing experience - here's looking forward to 18 more years.
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
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Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Super Bowl - 654
Superbowl - 213
Superb Owl - 154
Patriots - 781
Falcons - 629
Puppy Bowl - 50
Bowling Green Massacre - 179
Bacon - 536
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
Notabunny had some news that will affect your grilled cheese sandwiches
Oreminer was concerned about Australia's heat wave
markie_farkie requested accuracy in underpants-related headlines
Bith Set Me Up illustrated a culinary technique
ToastmasterGeneral wrote the (spoiler-filled) opening crawl for the next Star Wars film
naughtyrev shared a photo from the recent raid in Yemen
SillBinger gave advice on dealing with a racist relative
Alex_Lee might have found Donald Trump's secret Fark account
Slaxl defended a teacher who flashed her students
Current Resident posted a gif that is probably safe for work, but use caution
 
Smartest:
Weaver95 wasn't surprised by a statistic about religious bigotry
hubiestubert gave a lot of information about culinary arts colleges
shower_in_my_socks posted a photo of a man with a protest sign
FormlessOne discussed the way the immigration ban was implemented
Ivo Shandor shared some statements about Christianity
shower_in_my_socks shared a statement from John McCain
Alcaste reacted to the attack on a mosque in Quebec
JohnAnnArbor remarked on the usefulness of Twitter
whither_apophis shared some wise words about being American
Lipo made a suggestion for how Canada should stop future attacks on mosques
 
CSB Sunday Morning: You can't explain that
Smartest:  OMGSTFU saw the world through another person's eyes
Funniest:  OtherLittleGuy was pranked by a ghost
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
Ivo Shandor shared a tweet about the Bowling Green Massacre
King Something guessed a secret phrase
shower_in_my_socks was eager to hear what one influential American thought of a ruling against Trump's immigration ban
chicken_little was feeling defensive
Ivo Shandor shared a Sean Spicer Fact
 
Politics Smartest:
Twist2005 thought that perhaps America really is becoming great again
karmaceutical reacted to Trump firing Sally Yates with relief
Brosephus discussed immigration law
Hobodeluxe shared a political cartoon with a (slightly edited) prophecy
Archidude was concerned about Trump's health
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
grampy gave a drink a classy new top
Yammering_Splat_Vector assembled a new Dali
FarkingIceHole formed the new political party, the Lemon Party
Surly U. Jest upgraded the in-flight entertainment
RedZoneTuba bet on the wrong horse
Iggie showed us who is using the Kragle
Alligator gave this licker a little KISS
Yammering_Splat_Vector found that aliens have comfortable transportation
ToastmasterGeneral showed a handy size comparison
#2 took a luxury flight from the world's best airport
 
Farktography:
Circusdog320 won Farktography Contest No. 613: "Frickin' Laser Beams" with an ugly bag of mostly water
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats
 
Tuesday, February 7th: San Francisco birthday party for Drew and E-Brake
 
If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.

Have a lemon party! And speaking of parties....
________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis: 
 
Subscription drive update: We're at 1700 total new TotalFark and close to 900 BareFark subscribers since we started about two weeks ago.  That's a small but consistent bump from last week, similar to the increase we saw last week.  Slow and steady wins the race, as they say.  If you haven't signed up for either or both subscriptions, please consider doing so.  This newsletter alone reaches over 200,000 people, if just 5% of you sign up, we'll hit our goal - We need about 10,000 to recover from the revenue hit we took last October.
 
In other news, I'm traveling to San Francisco next week for stuff - and it turns out that I'll be there on Tuesday February 7th which is also my birthday.  Anyone up for a Fark Party Tuesday night?  We need a new venue, we used to do it at Lefty O'Douls for forever but they close as of Friday looks like.  Hit me with suggestions, either via email or in the comments for the blog on Fark.
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
________________________
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Executive order - 758
Airport - 370
But her emails - 58
Bacon - 308
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
WyDave turned an annoying slogan into a depressing slogan
The Bunyip shared an illustration depicting the response to Trump's Muslim ban
Wadded Beef showed a cheeky protest sign
Bowen came in with a pop culture reference
Munden proved that a border wall between the U.S. and Mexico is a good idea
Harry_Seldon showed what an emergency stay might look like
MrBallou found a flattering view from the inauguration gigapixel
TheReject lamented a dangerous decision
ChipNASA shared a startling revelation
L.D. Ablo settled in for the show
 
Smartest:
make me some tea was happy about a court decision
Delawhat thought Trump should have taken Khizr Kahn up on his offer
xxBirdMadGirlxx was confused by some Trump behavior
bdub77 discussed the difference between Obama's and Trump's entry bans
Glitchwerks thanked the ACLU
ariseatex discussed the work the ACLU is doing
kb7rky shared a dream
kb7rky posted a chart comparing countries that did and did not get included in the ban
dennysgod made an observation about drone strikes
EmmaLou thought some things ruin a life more than others
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Favorite childhood toys
Smartest:  Praise Cheesus had a beautiful custom bicycle
Funniest:  Raddamant competed in an epic trebuchet contest
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
fusillade762 shared some advice from some demonstrators
Ivo Shandor posted a comic with a suggestion for curbing the president's Twitter habit
born_yesterday let another Farker know that we're not so formal around here
duppy explained why Trump didn't lose the popular vote after all
brantgoose revealed the top-secret advice Obama left for Trump
 
Politics Smartest:
daphne is to blame for any executive orders that Trump signed that you don't approve of
MattikusNZ pointed out that the alternative savings would be passed on to the consumer
fusillade762 shared an analysis of the Trump administration's first press conference
Cewley asked a question about communicating across political lines
MmmmBacon commented on the use of executive orders
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Mojongo showed that people were wrong to doubt Donald Trump
RedZoneTuba corrected last week's headlines
Iggie did some redecorating for the inauguration
RedZoneTuba found a bowler with perfect form
null helped fill in the crowd for Trump's inauguration
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel designed a shirt for foxy people
Iggie gave this coffee enthusiast a reason to laugh
stertz finally received those x-ray glasses
Herb Utsmelz got some recognition
RedZoneTuba found some sledders with more enthusiasm
 
Farktography:
MorningBreath won Farktography Contest No. 612: "Yellow 2" with a super-sexy dandelion
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.

If I were a more talented person and had more time on my hands, I'd write a "12 Days of Christmas" type of song about last week. It would include such things as inauguration attendance estimates, women's marches, alternative facts, arguments over the significance of copying a cake design, and questions regarding the morality of punching a Nazi (or just being glad that someone else did it). As it stands, though, I'm just a DisseminationMonkey, looking at a Fark, asking it to to please not rant about politics in the NotNewsletter thread.
________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis: 
 
Hey everyone - subscription drive update:
 
We're at 1500 new TotalFark and 750 BareFark subscribers - an increase of 300 and 150 over last week.  I'm still optimistic - it was a short but busy week.  Just a reminder: If you could sign up for one or both of these, it would help us immensely.  And if you can't, that's fine too - telling your friends is helpful as well!
 
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
________________________
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Inauguration - 2079
March - 1731
Alternative fact - 117
Sean Spicer - 345
Bacon - 392
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
clkeagle gave proof of how useless a 9mm pistol is
Prank Call of Cthulhu described the worst part about Ringling Brothers shutting down
Igor Jakovsky showed a "Wheel of Fortune" fail
CipollinaFan made note of jaylectricity's superhero identity
The Pope of Manwich Village explained why Marla Maples and Tiffany Trump couldn't get free hairstyling
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat pointed out that openly-racist people have their limits
give me doughnuts shared The Oatmeal's take on working for exposure
culebra admonished another Farker for posting a NSFW image
clovercat showed why some people are undecided on whether or not climate change is a real problem
shanrick revealed what Trump was working on in the "Winter White House"
 
Smartest:
Weaver95 celebrated inauguration day
Diogenes urged Farkers to keep up
HedlessChickn pointed out how stupid it was to fire a school employee over a tweet
give me doughnuts shared The Oatmeal's take on working for exposure
kronicfeld disagreed with another Farker's view of the marches on Saturday
nmrsnr expressed sympathy for a lifestyle downgrade
fusillade762 thought Assange's behavior seemed familiar
someonelse also disagreed with a characterization of people who marched on Saturday
wejash thought that Julian Assange had lost a lofty position
someonelse gave reasons for joining a march
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Being stranded
Smartest:  hubiestubert was rescued in the desert by a girlfriend's protective brother
Funniest:  xanadian had a long adventure trying to get home for New Year's Eve
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
King Something requested a German translation
what_now pointed out that sometimes size matters
Farking Clown Shoes defended Trump against accusations of dishonesty
Rev. Skarekroe was happy that Trump got a new phone
Ron Vibbentrop posted a photo of Trump's parade
 
Politics Smartest:
Grand_Moff_Joseph thought that Obama got a raw deal
Weaver95 had a message for a regretful Trump voter
aaronx insulted Trump voters
Redh8t found some partially-delicious symbolism
Barfmaker pointed out that swinging your thing around hurts you, too
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Surly U. Jest found a perfect disguise at The Far Side
RedZoneTuba made this water creature look a lot friendlier
Iggie updated a Green Day album cover
Thrakkorzog combined Disney tragedy with real tragedy
Yammering_Splat_Vector made Obama look less out of place
RedZoneTuba showed something that would make White House press conferences even more awkward
Circusdog320 found something scarier than a snake in the toilet
Ennuipoet showed what it looks like when Disney actually ruins your childhood
Yammering_Splat_Vector invented a toothbrush that cleans between your teeth
Yammering_Splat_Vector discovered just how much Trump loves gold
 
Farktography:
Queen Mab won Farktography Contest No. 611: "Just Desserts Part Deux" with a delicious photo of churros with chocolate sauce and aged rum
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
I guess it does look better shaved
 
That Maserati doing 185, slid into a pond and no more will it drive
 
Brain behind killing Pinky to be evaluated for mental competency
 
Anything can be beautiful if seen at a sufficient distance, and for Detroit that distance turns out to be low Earth orbit
 
Sweden sets new record for wind speed, clocking in at 106.93 miles per hour or 394 börks per lutefisk
 
Alt-right hook
 
Trump sends Woody Johnson to the UK. Aren't those things usually made of plastic?
 
The cake is a IIe
 
Dogs no longer have a purpose. Cats have been saying this for years
 
Monica Crowley out of Trump administration after discovery of extensive plagiarism in her past
 
Monica Crowley out of Trump administration after discovery of extensive plagiarism in her past
 
Soup at Whole Foods recalled for mislabeling, which presumably caused it to be accidentally sold at normal prices 
 
 
Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
We had a great quiz this week thanks to quizmaster Jesus Farking Christ. Once again, no one broke the 1000 mark, but it wasn't for lack of trying. Firststepsadoozie reigns supreme in our top slot with a score of 979, with Huntceet and mfgordon tying for 2nd with 936. JasonOfOrillia was a hair behind with 933, and edmo rounds out the top five with a very respectable 931. 
 
This week's hardest question was about Grand Theft Auto V. Only 31% of you knew that GTA online had an insurance policy available for your nicer cars, and would charge other users for intentional damage they caused.
 
The easiest question this week was about a restaurant in British Columbia. 80% of you knew that local government wouldn't license a fish-n-chips shack called "Moby Dick".
 
Bring your brain to this week's Fark Weird News Quiz right here.

A message from Drew Curtis:
 
Well that was one of the busier weeks we've ever had.
 
So last week I announced Fark had its ads shut off for Google for about five weeks and we needed to do a subscription drive to make things whole again.  You can read about all that here.  We were hoping to get 10,000 subscribers or so - if we hit that mark, I'll schedule a night where I attempt to drink an entire bottle of bourbon and delete the politics tab again.
 
So far we've gotten about 1200 new TotalFark accounts and 600 new BareFark accounts.  That may not sound like much, but it's a really good start.  Please continue to tell your friends in social media that you read Fark, and if you could also sign up for one of the two subscriptions that would be fantastic.
 
I'm also way behind in personally thanking everyone who bought me a subscription - I'm trying to catch up.  I'm worried that I'm going to miss someone, so if that happens feel free to drop me an email to thump me on the head about it.
 
One huge unexpected benefit of the reaction to the announcement last week is that suddenly I'm seeing names in the comments sections that I haven't seen in years in some cases.  It's been like a high school reunion for the past week - assuming you really liked the people you went to high school with.  People continue to return; it's truly amazing.  Welcome back, everyone, we've missed you.
 
Folks have asked if I've heard from Google or not - I haven't and I don't expect to.  They didn't shut our ads off last week when we re-posted the same image that led to our ads being shut off in October, which I think speaks volumes about the whole situation in general.
 
Folks also asked why is it exactly that Fark has trouble bringing in new users from both social media and search traffic.  For social media, people usually share the link that we share rather than a link to Fark. This is understandable - they find an interesting article on Fark and share the article. Even if they use a Fark link to share it, without an explanation of what Fark is, that's not often going to bring a new member to Fark.
 
With search, the reason we get so little traffic has to do with Fark's layout - our main pages are an endlessly moving stream of links.  There's nowhere to hook traffic into.  Think of it as a context problem - if you wanted your friends to go visit Fark how would you do it?  You'd start by saying "I like this place, it's been around awhile, you'll read some good stuff there," which probably would get some people to click.  After that, though, how and where would you send traffic?  A traditional digital media website has thousands of articles of content, you could make an argument to visit each one of those.  It's as easy as "check out the article on this site."  With Fark, there are no articles.  We've got comment sections, but those usually don't present a unified theme, either.  So it's no mystery to me as to why we don't get much traffic from search - we never have.
 
There's an expected benefit to not having search and social traffic, mainly that we're not vulnerable to Google or Facebook deciding to change the rules all of a sudden.  There was a time where Facebook wasn't using an algorithm to limit the reach of posts on FB, but  these days anything you put on their platform has about a 7% reach (last time I looked).  Small changes to these algorithms can have outsized impact on news media platforms.  Fark's audience comes to us directly, so we're less vulnerable to changes on other platforms.
 
I'll post another update next week - meanwhile thanks so much for all you've done so far.  I know it doesn't seem like $5 a month makes a huge difference, but when lots of people do it, it moves the needle for us.  Please continue to spread the word - especially media folks who use us as a resource.  I can't tell you how amazing it is to see familiar names back on the site again.
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We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
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Note: dugitman says there's a mouse somewhere in his office.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Golden shower - 462
BuzzFeed - 689
Google - 1697
Newsletter - 165
Bacon - 548
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
clodcomplex revealed what Bernie Madoff is really doing with his time in prison
Beerguy shared a cop joke
shanrick posted a troubling Trump animated gif
Diogenes showed us what it might look like when someone finds out they have Obamacare
Drew reacted to the tab changes on Fark
August11 noticed some things that Trump is doing right
tuskahoma man posted a man who's in the dog house
Sin_City_Superhero proved that there are ways of dealing with parking space hogs
Bathia_Mapes found another way to punish parking lot jerks
Learned Hand Job came in with the obligatory xkcd
 
Smartest:
Pocket Ninja had helpful advice for people who park over two spots to limit damage to their cars
markie_farkie discussed wasted welfare dollars
brap thought something stopped being funny
Weaver95 noticed something about people who want to restrict gay rights
LordJiro disagreed with the assertion that Trump is a moderate populist
sithon saw the appeal of political correctness
poorjon pointed out what everyone should already know about hooking up with drunk people
fusillade762 posted a meme about prayer
vudukungfu suggested a response to instances of police abuse
kimwim applauded a woman's decision to fight back
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Hangouts
Smartest:  timujin had an adventure one night in Phnom Penh
Funniest:  Roman Fyseek admitted to committing a crime a long time ago
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha posted a cartoon relevant to the Trump dossier published by BuzzFeed
PirateKing had an alternate headline for the BuzzFeed story
Burchill shared a hint of what was to come
markie_farkie figured out something about Donald Trump's hair
meyerkev shared a tweet defending Trump
 
Politics Smartest:
shower_in_my_socks gave reasons to not discount something just because it's on BuzzFeed
docpeteyJ saw one news story as a warning sign
raius thought some FBI decisions looked shady
Benevolent Misanthrope thought Trump's decisions are following a rule book
markie_farkie thought the end of Obama's presidency would be the end of more than that
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Surly U. Jest posted photos of Drew and his brothers
Iggie found a cat making a filthy storm
RedZoneTuba showed us what the model for the Mona Lisa really looked like
Pure Weapons-Grade Bolonium made traveling much more pleasant
Yammering_Splat_Vector found a place to ask for directions
Herb Utsmelz showed the best way to exit your car
wickedfish discovered a Peanut growing on a tree
FarkNUSA gave this lonely woman some company
Yammering_Splat_Vector taw a puddy tat
RedZoneTuba visited a forest you won't get lost in
 
Farktography:
Linguine won Farktography Contest No. 610: "Nighty Night 2" with a moonrise near Moab. Be sure to check out all the entries. Looks like we have some new people participating, as well as some who've returned after having been away for a while. Lots of great photos! 
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
These are some of Fark's favorite headlines of the Week from last week. You can view the rest of them right here.
 
Man shot in laundromat fight. Let's see how agitators in the media try to spin this one in the next news cycle
 
After you open a bottle of red wine, it's okay to store it in the refrigerator. Although why anybody would put an empty bottle of wine in the fridge is beyond me
 
Large mudslide blocks Interstate 80 near Truckee. No word on status of carees, vanees, and pickupees
 
"Knights of Malta condom scandal stretches from Myanmar to the Vatican." That's some impressive elasticity
 
Fish fraud running rampant in LA; CHiPS called in to investigate
 
Cubs choose to come to Obama's White House instead of having Trump shower them with praise
 
So what's the evolutionary advantage of CRISPR anyway, aside from keeping your lettuce fresh?
 
Is Aaron Burr gonna hafta choke a biatch?
 
Trump aide Monica Crowley has plagiarized from so many sources that this headline will probably appear in her next book
 
Under Armour launches Tom Brady line of pajamas aimed at people who still believe that an NFL quarterback who is married to a supermodel goes to bed every night wearing pajamas
 
 
Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
Our quiz masters were at it again this week, shutting everyone out of the 1000 club. Our top scorer was eikni who just missed it with 983, followed by dallylamma with 935 and Twilight Farkle right behind with 932. In 4th was abhorrent1 with a very respectable 915, and a 884 from propasaurus rounds out the top 5.
 
The always room for improvement - the highest possible theoretical score is 1100. You can try your hand at last week's quiz right here.
 
This week's most difficult question was about where the exiled King of Rwanda used to hold court; only 21% knew it was outside of a theater, while 69% thought it was in his bathtub. Because, you know, if I were king... but then again, it would have to be one seriously big bathtub. I'm talking Roman spa size. Like we're tossing some Mr. Bubbles in one of those leftover pools from the Olympics. When you're king you can do that.
 
This week's easiest question was about the shutdown of Lake Tahoe ski resorts. A whopping 92% of quiz takers knew that there was so much snow, it was not safe to ski due to low visibility and avalanche concerns.
 
And finally, a huge thank you to your quizmasters who made this quiz possible - Sim Tree, Jesus Farking Christ, phlegmmo, and Henry Fnord.