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Fark NotNewsletter: What do squirrels dream about? 🐿💤
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-08-07 10:00:56 AM (63 comments) | Permalink

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Happy Wednesday, all!  I managed to complete my 519-mile bike ride across upstate New York this past Saturday, raising $3,500 for cancer research in the process.  Special thanks goes out to all you Farkers who contributed, especially to DoctorCal who kicked in the final amount on day five to close it all out.  I rode across Iowa last year; this ride had more challenging hills and an extra 80 miles of distance.  My butt is very angry with me.

Had a great time meeting folks in Utica and Buffalo as well! Special thanks to envirovore and Mr. Fuzzypaws for setting those up!  Hopefully I'll be back soon and we can do it again!
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
bearded clamorer had a bad experience with the self-checkout at the grocery store
snowblur showed a strange reenactment of an impending animal attack
elkboy had a question about a Victorian-era pleasure device made of ivory
gameshowhost helped evilsofa understand a mysterious photograph of a helicopter
Naido shared a story about a friend being rude to a cashier
MythDragon summed up what happened to a woman who died on her way to see the bus Christopher McCandless died in
bigfatbuddhist described a teacher's near-fatal failure
theDesertHamster knew how a teacher could have protected herself
markie_farkie shared a story about a Michelin dining experience
doyner explained how dangerous a Labrador-beagle mix can be

Bonus FarkStaff Picks:
Autoerotic Defenestration had the most appropriate use of the "Survivor" reaction GIF I've ever seen
Monkeyfark Ridiculous explained how a 4-year-old girl survived accidentally shooting herself

Smart:
Dinki gave some reasons for airlines to be happy when you don't reboard the plane after a layover
optikeye predicted the legal strategy of anyone arrested by a particular police officer
Knautilus suggested a new Fark Headline of the Year category
Benevolent Misanthrope found a reason why a woman's accidental shooting by a cop is being investigated
Tourney3p0 pointed out the real reason stores have installed self-checkout lanes
leeksfromchichis suggested a punishment for kids who almost killed a teacher by using bananas as weapons
Summoner101 was confused about things people are currently worried about
UltimaCS figured that airlines are lying about why they don't want you taking only one leg of your flight
I hereby demand that I be given a Fark account had mixed feelings about either a submitter or a hat
Ker_Thwap gave advice for someone visiting a loved one with dementia

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: Badafuco showed off a new member of the family
Smart: generalDisdain nominated "the best word ever coined on Fark"
Smart: Badafuco told the story of kitteh's welcome home
Funny: Smock Pot ... uh, turned away would-be visitors
Funny: Rev.K didn't let not being a graphic designer ruin the chance to be a cool parent
Smart: envirovore met up with some weirdo
Smart: Snuffybud showed off some photos of "The Boyz"

Politics Funny:
Mike_LowELL was excited about the globalized homogenized agenda
wildcardjack hoped everything was just a big misunderstanding
Bootleg had a question about getting "under Moscow Mitch's skin"
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That got all worked up
whither_apophis wanted to know more about right-wing politics

Politics Smart:
FlashHarry shared an opinion about gun control as a gun owner
somedude210 discussed thinking things are true versus finding out they are true
lindalouwho thought that NewportBarGuy stumbled onto a good idea
Sorelian's Ghost figured one Trump supporter has an evil superpower
Jack Sabbath pointed out the reason most Farkers were siding with Al Sharpton


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Cork on Fork found out what these puppets do during commercial breaks
Yammering_Splat_Vector made a more realistic version of the Cowardly Lion
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed one of America's new voting machines
Alligator showed us how serious the Ceiling Cat hiring department has gotten
RedZoneTuba gave Spock a very tough decision
hail2daking found a defiant woman
Yammering_Splat_Vector provided some mood lighting for these diners
Herb Utsmelz tried to find a new home for a pet
RedZoneTuba surprised a meerkat
FarkingIceHole had an unwelcome guest
Circusdog320 demonstrated technology to help you stay alive

Farktography:
CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 743: "Look Out Below 2" by staring down the stairs down the hillside. Be sure to check out the rest of the entries - there are a lot of beautiful photos.

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.

**Special note from Elsinore: One extra aside this week: We would like to feature some Farktography pictures as preview images for Farktography threads on the mobile site. We might rotate through several as options and/or we could even have a contest specifically for these images. If you're interested in collaborating on something like this, hashing out details of designs, watermarks, contributing etc. please email me at farktographerelsinore .at. teh googgles.


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the quiz this week, filling out forms and playing with the styluses and complaining about Bluetooth. Denjiro came out on top  with 905, followed by beggindogwith 858 in second and jayfurr in third with 846. sugaryvitamin made fourth with 835, and scrumpox finishes out the top 5 with 816.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over who designed the "Nudge" supermarket pop-up in London. Only 8% of quiztakers caught the article about it being a product of The Royal Society for Public Health - basically the UK version of the FDA. The supermarket was designed not just with healthier food, but in such a way that promotes healthy choices rather than high-profit junk food and "fizzy drinks". It actually went over surprisingly well, although people were a bit miffed when their toad-in-the-hole and lager pints weren't in the usual spots.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over the World Hide-and-Seek Champion, 44 years running now. 77% of quiztakers knew that Jimmy Hoffa used to be the head of the Teamsters Union, who controlled America's trucking industry for decades. And because of OJ, we'll never revisit the office from Naked Gun 2 1/2 where the location of Jimmy Hoffa's body was listed.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which preventable disease was experiencing a large outbreak. Only 22 of quiztakers identified July 28 as World Hepatitis Day, and knew there were over 22,000 preventable Hep A infections currently in the US. For clarity, World Measles Day is March 16 and there have been fewer than 2,000 cases so far this year in the US - although they tend to get a lot more publicity.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over Katy Perry's 2013 hit "Dark Horse". 77% of quiztakers knew that a jury ruled the song was waaaay too close to something called a "Christian rap" song from 2005, which I think is something you get when religious bands try to be too hip. Th real downside for Katy Perry isn't the loss of royalties so much as a jury of her peers determined that she must have listened to that Christian rap song at some point.

If you missed the quiz, you can catch up right here.

Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this weekend.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: A really Farking funny thing happened last week
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-07-30 11:15:16 AM, edited 2019-08-10 6:27:01 PM (39 comments) | Permalink

You probably heard that President Donald Trump walked out on stage at a conservative group's student summit with a version of the presidential seal behind him that had been altered in several hilarious ways to mock him. Fark's headline for the embarrassing mishap was "Okay, which one of you Farkers switched Trump's presidential seal for a Russian eagle holding golf clubs?" That headline turned out to be a lot more accurate than we realized, because a Farker showed up in the thread to reveal that he was actually one of the parties responsible for the debacle. He wasn't involved in the event where the fake seal was projected behind Trump, but he was the person who originally created it, having no idea something like this would happen. You can see the comment in which he outed himself below, because naturally it was the comment that got the most funny and smart votes for the Politics Tab. And don't miss the followup article where The Washington Post gave that Farker's side of the story.

In other news, we are still selling some of Fark's old hardware. The selection has changed slightly since we first told you about it two weeks ago. If you asked about any of it already, please ask again, because some potential sales fell through. Be sure to read the instructions at the top of the sale page if you'd like to make an offer, because if you ask in the NotNewsletter thread, I'm not going to have any answers for you - DisseminationMonkey doesn't mess with the hardware. 

Keep reading for a Drew News update.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hope everyone's week is going well so far.  I'm currently on a 500-mile bike ride across upstate New York raising money to fight cancer on the Empire State Ride.  I'll be in Utica Thursday, Rochester-ish on Friday, and we're doing a Fark Party in Buffalo on Saturday evening at Public House.  I gotta say, I'm impressed with the hills so far.  New York doesn't have hills like Kentucky does, but the organizers of the ride apparently decided to send us up all of the ones that are similar to the hardest of what I'm used to locally.  On a related note, I checked my data yesterday apparently at some point on this ride I was going 55 mph (I assume it was downhill).  So well done, New York!
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
UltimaCS gave an example of the kind of job ads there are these days
Colour_out_of_Space had a very bad experience with Captain Kangaroo
Snort inquired about a picky cheerleader's wedding
Exluddite figured out the source of the thousand of bones found in a Vatican crypt
FirstNationalBastard knew what a cat was trying to do to its owner at night
Ow! That was my feelings! remarked on a missionary's death on a forbidden island
Diogenes figured out what compelled police to handcuff a child for going to church
FarkingReading revealed who was at fault for Canadian police streaming a conference about a double murder with the cat filter on
HedlessChickn's user name checked out
TheAlgebraist gave advice for encountering unexpected things in the workplace cafeteria

Smart:
FortyHams commented on the late Rutger Hauer's body of work
BizarreMan had advice for a school board president who was concerned about school lunch debts
TheGrayCat suggested something Farkers could do in Rutger Hauer's memory
UltimaCS gave an example of the kind of job ads there are these days
Nonrepeating Rotating Binary knew why employers complain they can't find job candidates with needed skills
Naido predicted the future for a parent who's concerned about a daughter who doesn't want to socialize
Benevolent Misanthrope doubted an evangelical Christians author's sincerity in backing off from some of his earlier ideas
Benevolent Misanthrope suggested a way to help pay off student school lunch debts when the school board makes it difficult
2chris2 had a suggestion for surveying women about what they look for in a partner
TenaciousP discussed the harmful messages that come with "purity culture"

CSB Sunday Morning:  Space stories
Smart:
The Pope of Manwich Village continues to benefit from lessons taught by when a TA had to take over for an astronomy professor
Funny: SBD3_Dauntless's father was disappointed to see the Apollo 11 moonwalk

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart:  EggFool knew what you should see on your drive across the country to surprise your TotalFark crush
Funny: Badafuco described the gang factions of Boise, Idaho
Funny: rcf1105 was frustrated by feline demands
Smart: myschief was sad to hear that a fellow Farker's hands were tied
Smart: FrancoFile explained what a salesperson was most likely offering for $800/month

Politics Funny:
Titor's Time Machine turned out to be the designer of a doctored presidential seal that was projected behind Donald Trump at an event
Ivo Shandor showed how Trump fixed a problem that he saw during Obama's presidency
Mike_LowELL celebrated a mission accomplished
Lochsteppe added insult to Jeffrey Epstein's injury
Diogenes told us how a good employee handles sick days

Politics Smart:
Titor's Time Machine turned out to be the designer of a doctored presidential seal that was projected behind Donald Trump at an event
Ambivalence pointed out that Republicans already did what Trump wants to do again
NewportBarGuy did not want to kill a fellow Farker with kindness
BizarreMan wondered about legal accountability for fake news
Mad Scientist adapted a classic headline from The Onion to describe a false claim that Trump made in his speech for the Turning Point USA summit


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Cork on Fork made this woman very happy
Mojongo showed the Trump brothers after killing a one-of-a-kind animal
FarkingIceHole found that Donald Trump Jr. wrote a very honest book
MrBallou discovered that Junior chose a strange photo for his book cover
Don_cos dared to post some T&A in a Photoshop contest
Cork on Fork shared the worse time to be told that there's no soup for you
gopher321 checked out Don Junior's tell-all autobiography
Benevolent Misanthrope shared Donald Trump Jr.'s take on how his dad became president
RedZoneTuba showed us what a real "monster flower" looks like
Yammering_Splat_Vector did maybe the most creative 'shop I've seen using these two characters

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 742: "Signs 3: Everywhere a Sign" ended with a three-way between Tom G's literate cows, Snubnose's hungry tree and Queen Mab's signs of connectivity

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Saturday, August 3: Fark Party with Drew in Buffalo, NY

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, please use the Fark Party submission form.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Want to know what's really hot right now?
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-07-23 11:49:04 AM (82 comments) | Permalink

The weather. The weather is really hot right now. There are Farkers all over this flat planet of ours, but the majority of us live in areas that are hot this time of year, and there have been heat waves causing sweat, misery, and car biscuits. If it's unusually hot where you are, make sure you stay safe, and maybe lay out a towel before you sit down if you're Farking in the nude.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
bdub77 brought in an expert to warn about kids abusing wasp spray
Biscuit Tin's mom found the connection between lawn jarts and teenage pregnancy
TylerParry figured out why billionaires who pledged money to repair Notre Dame Cathedral aren't following through
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That amazingly had one for a pastor who tricked male parishioners into letting him suck the demons out of them
EdgeRunner was finally ready to say "no" to Idris Elba
bearded clamorer figured out how someone could get a spot on the 100 best memes list
Prank Call of Cthulhu fixed a wedding photo where a guest got in the way of the shot
jaggspb issued an invitation
bittermang shared the rest of what a cleaning expert had to say about vacuum cleaner attachments
Keeve wanted an update on a happily married couple

Smart:
Kit Fister was fine with someone picketing a panhandling homeless man who turned down a job since the homeless man didn't give a reason
FirstNationalBastard had a great nickname for a bartender who thought a promotional punch card looked strange
sassyfrancis was excited about an investment opportunity
mama2tnt thought that someone was running into more than the normal share of inconsiderate dicks
Literally Addicted came up with a good phrase to embroider on a pillow
Abox does not experience racism against a group that Abox is not part of
Gubbo somehow found a sports bar with a semi-decent kitchen?
Gubbo had a theory on why God is punishing farmers
koder explained why airplane travel has become so unpleasant
Zevon's Evil Twin explained why a school should not threaten to take children away from parents who owe lunch money

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart:  myschief made a bet about an HR manager who supposedly stormed out after an interview
Smart: Murflette gave advice on how to handle high school reunions
Funny: Badafuco shared some happy news
Funny: Ass_Master_Flash told everyone why Fark was giving people 502 errors
Funny: merrillvillain refused to be underestimated
Funny: MethySophocles thought a couple of Fark posts worked well next to each other

Politics Funny:
italie wished something nice for Ted Cruz
no1curr encouraged Farkers to keep being Farkers
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat pointed out that Donald Trump could help Japan end a dispute
HedlessChickn translated part of a Trump tweet
wattsd3 knew what NASA should tell Trump when he keeps asking why we can't go directly to Mars

Politics Smart:
HMS_Blinkin saw that Trump is confused about what it is that elected representatives are supposed to do
Jim_Callahan pointed out that Donald Trump was right about something
odinsposse knew who Trump could've meant when he tweeted, "If you hate our Country, or if you are not happy here, you can leave!"
transporter_ii thought of a reason to give Ilhan Omar a chance
Arachnophobe had a theory about Trump's statements about Omar


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Cork on Fork knew how to make a wall a lot more fun
hail2daking showed us how birds are adapting for the eventual takeover
Cork on Fork dared to ask, "Who's Waldo?"
Alligator planted giant food for normal gardeners, or normal food for tiny gardeners
Cork on Fork proved that you should be careful which dogs you take a job cleaning up after
RedZoneTuba's cat decided to take on a new project
Cork on Fork showed us The Creation of Adam and Bill
Louisiana_Sitar_Club gave us the cutest singing drunks
hail2daking got some fancy new chess pieces
RedZoneTuba found the person we were always warned not to be

Farktography:
BBH won Farktography Contest No. 741: "Christmas in July" with a tree that just needed a little love

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: What's the deal with Fark lately, plus how YOU can own a piece of Fark history
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-07-17 11:53:59 AM (94 comments) | Permalink

________________________

A message from Mike (Fark's server monkey):  
________________________ 

On July 10, we completed a long project to move Fark off of our own aging hardware onto cloud hosting.  For years this has been cost prohibitive - as has buying desperately-needed newer equipment - but we finally found a way to make it work, by splitting things between two providers (DigitalOcean and Amazon).

This has not been completely trouble free - for example, email notifications blowing up two weeks ago, and random 502 errors we still see occasionally. (I fixed the 504's though, and the 502's should be much improved now.)  I think I did about as well as I could considering I did it solo.  Meg and I are working through the remaining issues and will hopefully have them sorted in the next week.

So, that means we now have all our old hardware for sale.  The full details are with the list of hardware that Fark's selling, and we'll update that page as things go.  As the page says, it's all in Lexington, Kentucky, and we'd prefer to not ship it if possible.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Rapmaster2000 underappreciated a van
Naido pointed out that scottydoesntknow's summary of "Pearl Harbor" actually sounded really good
Ivo Shandor noticed how appropriate someone's yam bag story was
FarkingReading was ready to get mad at someone for speaking another language
Prank Call of Cthulhu gave another example of how labeling works
Abe Vigoda's Ghost gave a Barbie girl a facelift
ReverendLoki was impressed by the restoration of Aerosmith's first tour van
Kubo explained what the numbers next to a woman in her mugshot meant
Abe Vigoda's Ghost helped a woman whose hands were full
optikeye was wary of possible future bidet technology

Smart:
Weaver95 noticed that loopholes are not evenly distributed
mekkab found the positive when some kids painted racist graffiti on their school
holdmybones admitted to having been a teenage shiathead but still having limits
Prank Call of Cthulhu gave another example of how labeling works
cgraves67 asked a question about a choice in vacation companions
bigbadideasinaction shared a riddle
Alwysadydrmr took a guess at why some people get so angry when strangers are speaking a foreign language
hubiestubert didn't want a racist woman to be told something
WalkingCarpet was a little worried about something Russia isn't too careful with
Deece blamed most of the plastic in the ocean on other countries

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: Butterflew helped with a response to an impatient potential mate
Smart: The_Sponge had advice for a Farker who claimed to come home to find the missus waiting in bed half naked
Smart: Angry Drunk Bureaucrat wanted to say something to a Farker's coworker's wife who was angry with him for having a heart attack
Funny: Rev.K took issue with a statement about U.S. geography
Smart: hobnail thought a question about dating stars of films for grown-ups was backward
Funny: ltnor asked a question about a receipt for legal devil's lettuce

Politics Funny:
mrshowrules thought that Ann Coulter's attitude is similar to another celebrity's
jasonvatch pointed out a reason you don't need to associate Donald Trump with Jeffrey Epstein
GardenWeasel demanded more kneeling
mrshowrules figured out that French people were not actually cursing Trump
eviljimbo showed Ivanka Trump's reaction to Acosta's resignation

Politics Smart:
Dusk-You-n-Me appreciated the way some members of Congress respond to people talking trash
nmrsnr explained Trump's losses in court
ThomasPaineTrain helped someone who was unfamiliar with Sebastian Gorka
doyner listed possible reactions to Trump's relationship with Epstein
Farking Clown Shoes figured that banks cutting off agricultural lending is part of a larger plan


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking made a Mad Fold-in for Fark
Yammering_Splat_Vector designed the final Mad Magazine cover
Snubnose saw trouble in the White House
Alligator built a memorial
trvth was all out of yucks to give
hail2daking showed a rude man checking out some foxy lady in front of his dismayed date
RedZoneTuba gave a band a fruit-inspired rebranding
RedZoneTuba knew why there's no longer a need for Mad Magazine
Yammering_Splat_Vector discovered an eerily familiar rock formation
Circusdog320 ran into a Starfleet captain picking out a snack

Caption Contest:
Cork on Fork told us what Amanda Nunes and Holly Holm said to each other

Farktography:
MorningBreath won Farktography Contest No. 740: "Bokeh 5" with a blooming blue blossom

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, July 18: San Diego Fark Party - Hop-Con 7.0 & w00tstout release party with Drew

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, please use the Fark Party submission form.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: What do bourbon and cast iron pans have in common?
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-07-10 11:06:16 AM (53 comments) | Permalink

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone!  Hope your Fourth of July weekend went well.  Mine was great, although there were some unplanned fireworks in my kitchen when Chance (age 12) had a cooking mishap and accidentally set a pan-grilled quesadilla on fire.  On a related note, does anyone know if cast iron needs to be specially treated after getting hit with a fire extinguisher? Asking for a friend.

Speaking of unplanned fireworks, you may have read about a fire that destroyed a Jim Beam warehouse in Kentucky. Turns out it's not far from my house. I went out there Monday and took a photo, check my Instagram account if you want to see it (@drewcurtis). Burnt up the whole hillside. Interestingly, I was reminded this week that 45,000 barrels of bourbon has no impact on drinking water safety - other than making it taste a little bourbon-y. True story. Fish don't do too well in it, however.

Lots of parties coming up - I'll be at all of the following:

This Friday: Louisville/JVille Fark Party 6 p.m. at The Red Yeti
July 18th: San Diego - Hop-Con at Stone Liberty Station.  It's w00tstout 7.0, y'all. I may have a few extra tickets to this, so if the admission is too pricey for you, drop me an email
Probably July 26th Buffalo - location TBD more next week,

Also the Lexington w00tstout fundraiser for my upcoming bike ride from Manhattan to Buffalo ride is on deck.  I'm also considering offering bottles of w00tstout going all the way back to 1.0 for anyone who kicks in $50 - donate here.  Once I figure it out, I'll grandfather you in, so no time like the present to donate! I also need to hit my fundraising target or they make me sleep outside on the ground every night or something.  

Office Hours Friday should be on this week for all TotalFark members.  I meant to do it last week, but had too much to drink on a layover in Detroit during the time I'd planned to do the Office Hours thread.  Not delete-the-politics-tab drunk, but it was heading in that direction. Anyhow, we should be good this week!
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Bowen has a ready reply when asked about not drinking
optikeye let us know which people fap for an hour and a half
whither_apophis shared how Straight Pride Parade organizers knew some mail they received was suspicious
Gubbo described how "fivesomes" work
Louisiana_Sitar_Club gave a mommy blogger a cool new sign
Dead for Tax Reasons didn't realize that the answer was "neither of them"
Marcus Aurelius has a cake problem
neongoats had a hunch about what was the cause of a mommy blogger's problem
Dr.Fey rewrote a headline to make it more Farkish
I heard Jack Sabbath liked a headline about what can be found in a drop of Lake Michigan water
isamudyson had a theory about the cause of an explosion in a Florida mall

Smart:
Farking Clown Shoes wanted a 16-year-old rapist to face additional charges
tjsands1118 suggested some changes for the use of prison labor
holdmybones found something worse than "poor boys born to bad families"
ReapTheChaos thought that a mommy blogger was wrong about telling people she doesn't drink
wejash's would have been decapitated if it weren't for Mad Magazine
Gordon Bennett figured out who really stole and IV from a hosptial
Harry Freakstorm suggested the legal way in which a woman should have handled the situation with her abusive husband
jtown recognized a common crime
MeatBrains had a strange kind of jealousy
kab wasn't impressed by a mommy blogger's complaint about feeling left out

CSB Sunday Morning:  Fourth of July
Smart:
davidphogan's favorite Fourth of July was in 1997
Funny: DocBubba's friend acted as a good example of what not to do

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Firstly, I want to say that boy howdy, TotalFark Discussion had a LOT of selfie threads last week! However, per popular request, I don't link to those in the NotNewsletter, so any voyeurs out there should calm down.
Funny: JerseyTim shared a story about a friend's divorce
Funny: flucto found the need for a new comment voting button
Smart: swaniefrmreddeer did some sightseeing without having to go anywhere
Funny: flucto designed a pill container for generalDisdain
Smart: generalDisdain made good use of a day
Smart: The Pope of Manwich Village explained why the name "Karen" is being used in so many internet jokes
Funny: Ass_Master_Flash added a helpful reminder to a lovely photo

Politics Funny:
wet drum sandwich gave us the actual definition of socialism
italie pointed out Joe Biden's biggest failure
null figured out how Donald Trump could get all the attention he's always wanted
naughtyrev thought of a naughty reason for the sudden cancellation of Mike Pence's trip to New Hampshire
Weatherkiss knew knew how Trump would react to people not wanting to attend his Fourth of July celebration

Politics Smart:
Mantour summed up a Trump supporter's definition of socialism
mrshowrules thought that an interview betrayed what conservatives really fear about socialism
Pocket Ninja pointed out the types of internet posts Rep. Frederica Wilson wants people to be prosecuted for
HMS_Blinkin had a theory about border patrol agents
edmo suggested many ways for opposing campaigns to needle Trump until he has a meltdown


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Don_cos showed Princess Leia not wearing the top of her bikini
Alligator gave Leia a treasure
Alligator revealed what was under plague doctors' masks
Stantz discovered a fighting skeleton's worst enemy
noazark helped this fox make like a tree
RedZoneTuba found out why cats don't often buy boats
Don_cos killed this sea anemone
Snubnose showed a suspicious arrangement
I_Am_Weasel spotted a mere cat among prairie dogs
Herb Utsmelz tried to get an answer to an age-old question

Caption:
markie_farkie knew where to buy distinctive linens

Farktography:
scruffythecat won Farktography Contest No. 739: "Boom 3" with a flying sea anemone

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Submit Your Writing for the Fark Fiction Anthology (brought to you by toraque)

It's the start of July, and you know what that means!  Well, yeah, fireworks and cookouts and all that. But even more important, we're down to one month to go for submissions for the fourth annual Fark Fiction Anthology!

The 2019 Fark Fiction Anthology

That's right, we're looking for high quality short fiction from Farkers of all ages!  Our team of editors is standing by to select the best entries, which will be published on Amazon with all proceeds going to an excellent charity chosen by your fellow Farkers!  New to writing? And old hand with hundreds of novels to your name? Either way, let the world see what you've got!

We're looking for original fiction no longer than 10,000 words in length, in any of the following genres or categories:
·  Fantasy
·  Science Fiction
·  Humor
·  Horror
·  Suspense/mystery/thriller
Submissions close on July 31. Terms and conditions apply.  Entries will be folded, stamped, and spindled.  Wipe hands on pants.

Interested?  You can see what your fellow Farkers have done in the last few years at these links!

Heart of Farkness: The 2016 Fark Fiction Anthology
Through a Scanner Farkly: The 2017 Fark Fiction Anthology
Everybody Panic! The 2018 Fark Fiction Anthology

Want to become part of Fark Literary Greatness?  Want to cast your flowery genius as pearls before swine?  Want to inflict Vogon Poetry on some hapless editors? Send us what you've got!


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Friday, July 12: Jeffersonville, IN Fark Party - and Drew will be there
Thursday, July 18: San Diego Fark Party - Hop-Con 7.0 & w00tstout release party with Drew

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, please use the Fark Party submission form.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: What Drew's up to, plus your chance to get your writing published in an actual physical book
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-07-03 9:42:04 AM (64 comments) | Permalink

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Hey everyone - happy July 4th weekend!  Or almost, anyhow. I've had some crazy travel lately and there's lots of stuff going on. Let's get down to it!

Louisville/Jeffersonville Fark Party July 12th!  A longtime Farker who runs one of the dozens of Fark-related Facebook groups and his mom are visiting the area, and it seemed like a great time to have one, plus it's been a while since we had a local one.  We'll be at The Red Yeti, a venue known for its great craft beer selection, and one that I stumbled into accidentally back in 2013 to find they had a keg of w00tstout on. 

San Diego Comic Con Fark Party at Stone Liberty Station July 18th!  Stone does a huge party to celebrate the launch of w00tstout every year, this year's batch is 7.0.  Tickets can be purchased here. Come check it out - in particular, I'm doing a new beer with Rebecca Watson called Gamer Tears, which is a salt cucumber lime gose with turmeric and rose water.  That combination probably sounds strange, but Stone's brewmaster says it turned out fantastic! Also attending will be (among others) Aisha Tyler, who will be pouring her own beer, so if you've ever wanted to meet her, now's the time.  

Sometime this month, I'll be hosting a fundraiser in Lexington for my charity ride across New York at the end of July.  Every year since we brewed w00tstout 1.0, I've received a keg that I've kept at the Chase Brewing Company in downtown Lexington.  Now seems like the perfect time to put the keg of 1.0 on. Date's TBA, and if we manage to float that keg, I'll put on a keg of w00tstout 2.0 so we can keep going.  More on this in a bit. Meanwhile, if anyone's feeling like donating to help fight cancer, please do so here.

Finally, if you haven't already, don't forget to sign up for TotalFarkOffice hours Friday last week (TotalFark only) was a very interesting discussion about how advertising works on the internet and how advertisers try to retarget you as you move from site to site.  I'm flying this Friday evening, which means I'll be both drinking and bored on a plane, so you know what that means: hilarity is sure to ensue. Sign up for TotalFark today so you can find out what all that's about.

And that's (finally) it for this week!  Everyone stay safe and don't do anything that would land you in the news on Fark's main page

________________________ 

And now....
________________________

A special message from toraque:  
________________________  

It's the start of July, and you know what that means!  Well, yeah, fireworks and cookouts and all that. But even more important, we're down to one month to go for submissions for the fourth annual Fark Fiction Anthology!

The 2019 Fark Fiction Anthology

That's right, we're looking for high quality short fiction from Farkers of all ages!  Our team of editors is standing by to select the best entries, which will be published on Amazon with all proceeds going to an excellent charity chosen by your fellow Farkers!  New to writing? And old hand with hundreds of novels to your name? Either way, let the world see what you've got!

We're looking for original fiction no longer than 10,000 words in length, in any of the following genres or categories:
·  Fantasy
·  Science Fiction
·  Humor
·  Horror
·  Suspense/mystery/thriller
Submissions close on July 31. Terms and conditions apply.  Entries will be folded, stamped, and spindled.  Wipe hands on pants.

Interested?  You can see what your fellow Farkers have done in the last few years at these links!

Heart of Farkness: The 2016 Fark Fiction Anthology
Through a Scanner Farkly: The 2017 Fark Fiction Anthology
Everybody Panic! The 2018 Fark Fiction Anthology

Want to become part of Fark Literary Greatness?  Want to cast your flowery genius as pearls before swine?  Want to inflict Vogon Poetry on some hapless editors? Send us what you've got!

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 

Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
NateAsbestos made a very unfortunate typo, but deserved it for the earworm
Farking Clown Shoes refused to be in a commercial that koder suggested
bearded clamorer explained why a woman couldn't pay half price for a cake just because she ate the other half of it while shopping
Sin_City_Superhero helped figure out who the woman was who ate half a cake while shopping
MrBallou figured out the secret to survive without food by only consuming air
markie_farkie defended the person who misspelled "stop" at an intersection
ralphjr showed us how we know Hooters is a quality restaurant
Calypsocookie welcomed everyone to Fark
guestguy demonstrated how you can get energy from breathing instead of from food
LordOfThePings sent out a well-timed greeting

Smart:
Sliding Carp wanted to slide an ant farm right into somebody else's home
GreenAdder had some good advice for Pizza Hut if they really want to remind people that they're the "OG" pizza chain
hobnail is part of a congregation that was expelled from the Evangelical Covenant Church for supporting LGBT equality, and hobnail submitted an article about it and described the much more important things they could focus on now that that was over with
Birnone shared a pet peeve about parking spaces reserved for people with disabilities
Gordon Bennett shared something about a lawyer representing a woman who was beaten by a racist teenager who had bullied her son
FrabjousDay saw some difficulties most people would face if they tried to live without "petroleum, electricity, and money"
khatores gave some really bad advice
Fissile's parents got into a property line dispute with a neighbor, so Fissile was getting a kick out of this story
Alcaste argued that the controversial arrest of a street artist could have been due to racism
itsdan thought that Dewey Fidalgo's grandma's reaction to deciding to go without things like electricity and indoor plumbing sounded like another odd choice that some people make

CSB Sunday Morning:  Summer vacation stories
Smart:
caddisfly made the absolute most of a road trip to check out grad schools
Funny: FirstDennis told a story that seemed like an allegory for the marriage within it

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: steklo found out what happens when you use Fark's "ignore" feature on your own account
Funny: Shostie had a bit more information about diaries
Smart: optikeye gave advice to someone who was having marital issues
Funny: Earthworm Jim Jones was confused by a bit of sex advice
Smart: generalDisdain apparently isn't into handing out keys
Funny: oldfarthenry helped someone who couldn't remember what kind of car it was that "looked just like a Bentley"
Funny: rickythepenguin corrected a misunderstanding about "mansplaining"

Politics Funny:
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat had a reply when Donald Trump claimed that "all of the [world] leaders" showered him with praise
enry once had an experience that seemed to explain Trump's answer to a question about busing
Precious Roy's Horse Dividers knew why the White House mysteriously went on lockdown
whither_apophis learned something from an image that Raoul Eaton posted to show how big Iran is
Mr. Coffee Nerves told us how much two very different groups of people have in common

Politics Smart:
Precious Roy's Horse Dividers wanted to hear some stories
Walker thought that a Supreme Court decision was the final nail in the coffin
abb3w had an explanation for a Supreme Court ruling that Trump was confused about
JerseyTim had a suggestion for what to call the U.S.'s immigrant containment centers since the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum put out a statement asking that other events not be compared to the Holocaust
JerseyTim wanted more Democrats to go head to head with Republicans, and gave examples


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking noticed that Calvin put his talent to good use working for SpaceX
Stantz showed us that some coyotes never learn
noazark led the United Nations Security Council in a singalong
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel found a new documentary on Netflix
RedZoneTuba did the obligatory Photoshop of a doorway
Parallax shined up a familiar hotel's floor
Cork on Fork turned a Photoshop contest into a learning opportunity
RedZoneTuba gave us something to be laughin' about
Stantz created a three-dimensional tessellation in motion
RedZoneTuba showed that these bee-eaters are also jaybirds

Farktography:
Circusdog320 won Farktography Contest No. 738: "One (More) For the Road" while riding off into the sunset

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Friday, July 12: Jeffersonville, IN Fark Party - and Drew will be there
Thursday, July 18: San Diego Fark Party - Hop-Con 7.0 & w00tstout release party with Drew

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, please use the Fark Party submission form.


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

We had a good time on the Quiz posting ketchup GIFs, but it's still an abomination on hot dogs no matter how silly the GIF. On the Quiz itself, bradley547 takes top honors with 988, followed by the_colonel in second with 940 and Tax Boy in third with 936. Sliding Carp makes fourth with 915, and lulululu_1 rounds out the top five with 914.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was about where you'll soon be able to go to dive down and see a Boeing 747 at the bottom of the ocean, among other things at at a huge underwater amusement park. Only 30% of quiztakers knew their Middle Eastern geography - Bahrain is the most northern of the options. I guess CNN isn't covering this much since even though it *is* a plane under water, they actually know exactly where it is. That and Anderson Cooper probably looked at the story and glared at his producers with a "Seriously, guys?"

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over space exploration. Several months before Apollo 11, NASA launched Apollo 10 as a "dry run" in which they sent a module to lunar orbit complete with a "dummy" lander. Instead of sending the lander onto the moon to make a big crater, they launched it into space. 82% of quiztakers knew that the module was nicknamed after its unofficial mascot - Snoopy. It seems he's been cursing the Red Baron from open space for 50 years now, and a team of astronomers think they may have located it. Five bucks says it's got the words "Kilroy was here" somewhere in it.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the HumanCharger, a $150 set of earbuds from Finnish company Valkee. Only 41% of quiztakers knew that the device(s) shone LED lights into your ears for some silly reason. I have this vision stuck in my head of the people who thought this was a great idea only putting in one and it illuminating stuff on the opposite side of their heads. And yeah, that was a cheap joke, but seriously, this idea doesn't deserve any additional thought.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which Coen Brothers character that actor John Turturro was reprising in a new spin-off film. 78% of quiztakers knew that 21 years later, nobody would fark with the Jesus, and the new adventures of the minor The Big Lebowski character would soon be available for our viewing pleasure. It is a testament to Tuturro's abilities as an actor that he made such a despicable person a fan favorite character. I can't wait to see if he really does pull the trigger until it goes "click." 

If you missed the quiz, you can catch up (and ketchup) right here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.


Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-23 to Sat 2019-06-29:

Folgers Crystals

Not News: Man crashes demolition derby car. Fark: Not during a demolition derby. Source checks out

ᴋɪʟʟ ᴀʟʟ ʜᴜᴍᴀɴꜱ?

UFO struck by lightning

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. speaks out against vaccinations, says that shots killed his dad and uncle

Satellite image shows PNG volcano erupting, no doubt sending molten images everywhere

Congo mine collapse kills 36 artisanal miners. I bet you've never heard of artisanal miners. They're pretty underground

Man arrested for recording other men peeing at bowling alley. See, this is what happens when you leave your mind in the gutter while looking for balls

French fry

Free seafood bouillabaisse in California. All you can eat. Get it while the ocean's hot


Sports:

Kawhi-fornia

Kobe and his wife now only one daughter short of a future all-Bryant WNBA team

MeekMahan finally gets unrelated adults in the room by promoting Paul Heyman and rehiring Eric Bischoff, since the wrestling was better in 1999 anyhow

The Coyotes pull a Mos Eisley, makes the Kessel run. You submitted this headline 12 parsecs ago


Geek:

Why not trei a holiday in the Netherlands? See the lovlei flowers. And the wønderful telephone system

Much like many of its kids, the antivaxxer movement isn't growing to maturity

Valve is in favor of keeping older libs around

In a real gut punch, researchers argue that Parkinson's disease may start in the gastrointestinal tract and travel to the brain because what happens in vagus doesn't stay in vagus


Entertainment:

Netflix press release acknowledges public outcry, vows to not make any more episodes of Good Omens

"Evening, everybody." "PENNYWISE"

Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife has died. Of all the bra's he chased down, hers was the biggest

♫ I'm coming out, so you'd better get this party started ♫


Politics:

Ravelry, a social networking site for knitters and crocheters, has announced a ban on posts supporting Donald Trump. Word has it they can't abide such a bad weave

On the plus side, at least there was vetting at all

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-own to Clown) takes first step toward implementing Shakira law

FiveThirtyEight posts the most FiveThirtyEight article ever

Eric Trump went out for a cocktail in Chicago and was spit on by an employee. He's lucky they just didn't give him the Malort

"'Twitter is just terrible, what they do. They don't let you get the word out,' Trump told Fox Business News." And we have just witnessed division by zero

Pregnant woman in Alabama charged with manslaughter after she's shot. Wait, that can't be right

Chuck Woolery said the quiet part out loud, or quoted a passage from that Margaret Atwood novel, hard to tell which

Chuck Norris wishes he were as nice as Elizabeth Warren

But honey, the affairs were part of my job as a Congressman

Asked about school busing, President Trump displays a nuanced mastery of the subject that neither Harris nor Biden were able to show at the Democratic Debate


Business:

The maker of Botox has been bought for smooth $63 billion and nobody barely blinked an eye

Oh look, the tulips are blossoming again

Women pay over $12,000 during their lifetime for menstruation. Such a deal

Finally, imagine your chicken crossing the road in style


Discussion:

...it's a streetlight

50 hidden meanings behind common dreams. Subby is still running down his

Kiddoes back in the day sang songs about sexism, communism, and ax murderers while skipping rope. How lovely


D'awww:

Rare 40-ton albino humpback whale turns 30 and makes annual appearance off Sydney coast, just like it was orcastrated

San Diego firefighters rescue injured baby hummingbird, will now try and teach it the lyrics

Mountain lion found in tree tagged, now she's it

♫ Doe, a deer, a pregnant deer ♫ May have twins or just one son ♫ Three is rare, but albinos ♫ Are like 20K to one ♫


Food:

Pickle pizza party

£900 cheese. I bet it smells like ass

Obviously Drew has never been to Yoshinoya

Bourbon

________________________ 

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Behold the power of Fark
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-06-26 11:46:32 AM (84 comments) | Permalink

We're almost halfway through 2019. How the fark did that happen? I'm still writing "2018" on my checks, except that I don't write checks, because it's 2019.

Anyway, a couple of Farkers got listed three times in a row in their categories this week, and I swear I'm not playing favorites. It's due to all y'all's votes and all theirall's cleverness. Be sure to check out the FarkStaff Picks this week for a laugh, a tear, and a sore crotch - not necessarily in that order.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
HotWingConspiracy really enjoys videos of women eating photos of PewDiePie
Psychopusher suggested a new name for Boeing's troubled 737 Max
LewDux explained how a woman left behind on an Air Canada plane faced a 40 to 50 foot drop
HighlanderRPI extrapolated from the suggestion that aluminum in your deodorant can cause Alzheimer's
Benjimin_Dover was offended by the brouhaha caused by a "most annoying boy" trophy being given to a boy with autism
Heamer made a comment about the founder of the Biblical Flat Earth Society being arrested for child sexual exploitation
Johnny the Tackling Alzheimers Patient discussed where the new reality show "Love Island" will be filmed
jbc thought that a NASCAR-sponsoring CEO of a group of RV dealerships chose the wrong flag
ecisouji had another name for Boeing's 737 Max
Dr.Fey used a silly Fark meme

Smart:
dugitman gave more information about a Catholic school that refused to fire a gay teacher
Loris questioned a police officer's story after he killed a man and wounded his parents
GardenWeasel summed up why a business owner was fighting so hard to be allowed to fly an oversized flag
Myrdinn guessed at why Jesuits tend to be different from other Catholics
spongeboob wondered if a giant flag lover loves his giant flag enough
LowbrowDeluxe answered how a man who threatened to kill every gay person he could would decide who's gay
Gyrfalcon explained why it's beneficial to have children with autism in mainstream classes
NewportBarGuy had something to say about people who are horny for the U.S. flag
khatores compared Jesuses
shaggai commented on the Archdiocese of Indianapolis breaking with a Jesuit school that refused to fire a teacher for being gay

12th Annual Father's Day thread: What would you say to your dad today if you could?
Smart:
 Circusdog320 had a message for a father who showed how to love and support your children
Funny: Gulper Eel wanted to thank Dad and also offer him a little fashion advice

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

Bonus FarkStaff Picks:
TWX thought that a town that was considering increasing size limits on flags sounded familiar
Cthulhu Theory learned how surprisingly tolerant Farkers are about what goes on between consenting adults
Mentat succinctly stated what happened when Harry Styles and Michelle Obama participated in a celebrity dodgeball game (and be sure to watch the video if you haven't seen it)
Notabunny told us about a woman who inspired a shy little girl by sharing an amazing story. Some Farkers in the thread knew who that woman was, and Notabunny used that information to contact her. Here's the followup.  Notabunny, please contact me when you have the ending to this story. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: generalDisdain had good news and bad news
Funny: steklo showed a familiar kid learning about Fark
Smart: libranoelrose gave legal advice for someone going through a divorce
Funny: meat0918 chose a first name that's a red flag when you're looking for a date
Funny: ThomasPaineTrain hopefully was listing things not to do on a date
Funny: ThomasPaineTrain translated a foster kitten's thoughts for us
Funny: ThomasPaineTrain was able to make out what a sign said for Smock Pot

Politics Funny:
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That reacted to news that Alex Jones sent incriminating files to lawyers of people suing him
Miss5280 had an explanation for the huge mess Donald Trump supporters left behind after his rally
hubiestubert pointed out that Alex Jones' offer to pay to have a lawyer's head put on a pike was indeed compassionate
Cake Hunter translated the hidden message in Texas Senator John Cornyn's complaint about the state's growing Hispanic population
vudukungfu had a problem stemming from a Minnesotan's displeasure that refugees are coming from Somalia instead of Norway

Politics Smart:
somedude210 listed the stages of Russian interference in the 2016 election
Weaver95 predicted what the next White House press secretary's job will be like
Pavia_Resistance explained why Matt Gaetz didn't ask his colleagues which reporter was asking them if they hated Gaetz
Jake Havechek pointed out that more people died in the Holocaust than people seem to remember
Marcus Aurelius knew how to tell whether or not a cross is a religious symbol


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
verchad caught this child getting a bad review
hail2daking went for a flawless victory
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel found out what happens when seafood fights back
Alligator gave this kid a fever
hail2daking showed us some avian watersports
Yammering_Splat_Vector made a threatening fidget spinner
Yammering_Splat_Vector built the boat to use for a Fark cruise
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave an example of a fish cat, not to be confused with a catfish
Mojongo found that maybe Sonny Liston wasn't so hard to beat after all
RedZoneTuba showed how a child can beat an apparent giant

Farktography:
CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 737: "Golly G" with Grandpa's gears

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, July 18: San Diego Fark Party - Hop-Con 7.0 & w00tstout release party with Drew

If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, please use the Fark Party submission form.


Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)


Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-16 to Sat 2019-06-22:

Morsi has died. For those unfamiliar with the ousted Egyptian president, he used to need a job and then he found a job and heaven knows he was miserable then

Two arrested and four people seriously injured in shooting during Toronto Raptors Championship Parade. If it weren't for poor shooting and multiple injuries, they wouldn't be having a parade in the first place

I learned a thing or two from laundry don't you know. You better stay away from copperhead loads

Magician's body found. TA-DAA

Woman claims she was nearly hit by falling tree on golf course. Apparently, no one shouted 'FOREST'

NASA launches new missions to the sun. Don't worry, they are going at night

This story has it all: "Christian Fundamentalist," "Biblical Flat Earth Society," and "56 counts of child sexual exploitation," Okay, I could've lived without that last bit

Santa Anita Park might as well be sponsored by Elmer's at this point


Sports:

Finally, a MLB player has the skill (and courage) to expose the weakness of the shift

Johnny Manziel says he's still interested in the XFL. Although after playing in the NFL, CFL and AAF he has pretty much run through the entire alphabet

At least it wasn't his penis

First ever WTA meeting of Identical twins goes all the way to a third set tiebreaker. Fans puzzled how two opposing players could be so evenly matched


Geek:

Happy birthday to M. C. Escher. You submitted this with a more involved headline..enildaeh devlovni erom a htiw siht dettimbus uoY .rehcsE .C .M ot yadhtrib yppaH

Are we addicted to the 'like' button? You submitted this earlier from multiple links with better headlines

Astronomers see the "warm" glow of Uranus' rings. You submitted this after Hot Wing Wednesday

Narwhals, narwhals swimming in the ocean, boning some belugas, causing a commotion


Entertainment:

On this day in 2013, entertainment community shocked to learn that James Gandolfini had di

Hey, Harry Styles: It's "dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge." Nowhere in there does it say "jump"

It hasn't been his day, his week, his month or even his year


Politics:

Minnesota niiiiiiice

🎵  Wasting away, the moments that make America great. Fritter away the power in an offhand way-hey. Searching around for a great line with a lost mind🎵

Trump 2020 runs false ads on Facebook in clear violation of their ad rule. So Fark should run a false ad themselves and sue Facebook when they take it down. It'll shut down Facebook, pay for Fark for eternity or stop Trump ads. Everybody wins

Pete Buttigieg: "I would imagine we've probably had presidents who were gay, we just didn't know which ones." We're looking at YOU, James Buchanan

Second Amendment advocate pissed off about First Amendment realities

Nashville residents terribly upset that someone increased the font size on the footnotes

Angela Merkel is probably great at making martinis, terrible at stealing tambourines

Roy Moore announces campaign to re-elect Doug Jones

In case you were wondering what Jacob Wohl is up to these days, he's professing to be the "male sex symbol of right wing politics." And if that doesn't start you re-evaluating your life choices, Subby doesn't think anything else ever will

Jared Kushner's "deal of the century" Middle East plan includes a genuine, bona-fide, electrified high-speed rail. What about us Gaza slobs? You'll all be given cushy jobs. Is there a chance the track could bend? Not on your life, my Muslim friend


Business:

Mapping error in your favor, collect a few million dollars

♬♬ Love Slack, Baby, Love Slack ♬♬

South Australia is close to fully decriminalizing all work 'down under'


Discussion:

YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I ORDERED THE MSNBC DISCUSSION THREAD. It starts at 8PM ET

What's the worst thing you've woken up to? Probably not worse than a stray dog eating your testicle, but probably still bad


D'awww:

Rarely to the words "Cat placement game" arrange themselves in exactly that order. But they do in this game called, "Isle of Cats"

Dogs have evolved to con their way into the D'awww tab

Itty bitty tiny fruit eating German Shepard

It's perfectly fine to look for a quiet dog breed that won't bark too much. Because sometimes you want something other than a malamute


Food:

"Hey, when did very small rocks become part of the breakfast wrap?"

Ragu recalls thousands of sauces due to bonus plastic

How to cook the perfect steak (sometimes subby just wants to start a fight)

________________________ 

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Biking and balls and beer... oh, my!
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-06-18 4:16:33 PM (78 comments) | Permalink

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 

Next month I'll be cycling from Manhattan to Buffalo to raise money for the Roswell Park Alliance Foundation to fight cancers.  If you're up for making a donation so that one day Fark can retire its "still no cure for cancer" meme, you can donate via Facebook here.

Thanks to a drunk suggestion by a friend, I have recently renamed the fundraiser "Cancer Sucks Balls."

Anyhow, we're making several overnight stops along the way - wouldn't mind meeting up with some folks and having a few Fark meetups along the way.  

Day 1: 56 miles to Stony Point
Day 2: 77 miles to Barrytown
Day 3: 92 miles to Schenectady
Day 4: 83 miles to Utica
Day 5: 85 miles to Weedsport
Day 6: 77 miles to Spencerport
Day 7: 73 miles to Niagara Falls/Buffalo

Also, looks like I'll be in Buffalo the evenings of July 26th AND August 3rd, so we could do TWO Fark parties if anyone's game?  Lemme know (email drew at Fark dot com)!

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That answered and reacted to a question
MythDragon shared some helpful information about dirty sheets
Bill the unknowing was worried about what might happen after a high school valedictorian's graduation speech
scottydoesntknow explained why a woman who had a racist note on her receipt corrected an error about her car
We Ate the Necco Wafers noticed that an article about a cop arresting someone for repossessing his car buried the lede
stevenboof had a problem with another Farker's comment
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That somehow came through in a thread about a former stripper becoming a firefighter
BumpInTheNight mocked another Farker's sheet-washing regimen
Non Sequitur Man was surprised to see someone
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That reacted to someone calling Bo Burnham a "B grade" celebrity

Smart:
MeatBrains knew what a 4-year-old should have done instead of stealing a doll
JTtheCajun defended a valedictorian who called out teachers and staff during her speech for not doing their jobs well
bloobeary reacted to police arresting a tow truck driver who tried to repossess an officer's car
gaspode thought that some cops' excuses were pretty weak
FlashHarry saw evidence to back up a valedictorian's complaints about her school
khitsicker won't have trouble finding employment due to having made an angry valedictory speech
moos figured out who planted illegal and egregious content on Alex Jones' servers
Vansthing talked about a recent amusement park visit
blastoh figured Alex Jones could take a different route if someone planted something on his server
Asa Phelps had an idea about why customers were unable to open Costco's emergency exit doors

CSB Sunday Morning:   The last straw
Smart:
stir22 shared a moving story about what it's like to have to close off your emotions when working in medicine
Funny:  gordian told a story about two wailing women and a screeching chihuahua

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: envirovore had a message for a disappointed god
Funny: Literally Addicted ranted about Mom's rant
Funny: JerseyTim tried to imagine what it's like to deal with what a submitter was annoyed about
Funny: sarahthustra guessed what type of situation a submitter cried to get out of
Smart: Badafucoand TomFooolery posted  photos of kittens

Politics Funny:
Grand_Moff_Joseph wanted the White House press corps to throw a goodbye party for Sarah Sanders
Naido had a good argument in favor of the metric system
culebra corrected a headline referring to Donald Trump as "the Eye of Sauron"
ZAZ's interest was piqued by a threat from John McAfee
somedude210 reacted to the Fark headline, "Trump: I cast Executive Privilege at the House. DM: You have awakened the House. It catches you and eats you"

Politics Smart:
Cache had some encouraging words for Trump
wademh didn't think Trump would change his methods during the upcoming presidential election
cman figured it's time to hurry up and get things moving
wademh argued that it's fine to question the patriotism of a veteran who was injured while serving
Epic Fap Session addressed blaming immigrants for their own deaths in ICE custody


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking gave Miley Cyrus a pearl earring
maxandgrinch showed us what these people are running from
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel gave this bush some tongue
Alligator found The Blue Boy with a gold face
retrophil went retro with these operators
Yammering_Splat_Vector put this plant on a gnome dome
Alligator shared an early image of Jimi Hendrix
Thrakkorzog gave Putin Les Amours Contrariées
hail2daking was gonna need these employees to go ahead and come in on Sunday
Stantz had very dangerous shooting practice
Yammering_Splat_Vector found a kid who's very upset about being lied to

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 736: "Fur Babies" ended in a tie between Herb Utsmelz's wary wiener dog with a floofy feline and pxlboy's Stephen King-reading kitty. Be sure to check out the whole thread if you like photos of adorable pets.

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, June 20 & Saturday, June 22: Buffalo, NY Fark Party events - Shakespeare in the Park (Thursday) & Brewers Festival (Saturday)


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Hey folks, we had a fun time talking about "canned" pickles in a jar on the quiz this week. And we've got plenty of pickles stocked up in the 1000 club... which unfortunately won't be enjoyed this time around. Denjiro comes out on top with 963, followed by dionysusaur in second with 921 and baka-san in third with 907. Texa$ made fourth with 897, and MostlyLurking lurked enough to make the top five with 888.  

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over where you'll soon be able to see an anime based on Magic: The Gathering. only 33% of quiztakers caught the article about the Russo brothers producing a series for Netflix. I'm starting to think Netflix is becoming the Uwe Boll of intellectual property no one really wants, except they actually hire talented people. All they need is Jenji Kohan to head up the writers's room and they'd have an Emmy-award winning series about the Gen X equivalent of a ladies' bridge club that meets every second Tuesday.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over which Asian capital city the UN considered to be the most polluted in the world. 81% of quiztakers knew that it was New Delhi in India, where they have a garbage pile that will likely be taller than the Taj Mahal within the next year. It makes me wonder if people might soon be moving back to Old Delhi where they can begin the gentrification with a Whole Foods and maybe a Starbucks or six. 

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over the rebranding of the Seattle Seahawks' dance squad from "The Sea Gals" now that they have guys dancing as well. Only 44% of quiztakers knew that the Front Office had gone with the boring old "Seahawks Dancers" instead of the AWESOME name "Sea Breeze," which I totally came up with and demand tickets to any game where they play the Falcons if they use it.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was about a bit of a translation issue with Heinz's new "we're out of ideas so let's just throw crap in the same container" line of "combo-ments." 81% of quiztakers knew that in the most common Cree dialect spoken by First Nations people in Canada, the portmanteau "Mayochup" roughly translates to "sh*t face," which I guess is pretty accurate, in that that's the condition I would need to be in to think this is something I would want on my fries.

If you missed out on the quiz, or have an excellent pickle recipe (or GIF), you can catch up on it here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.


Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)

Welcome again to Headline of the Week!

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-09 to Sat 2019-06-15:

Japanese F-35 pilot fails to disengage WWII simulation mode. Yes, subby is a bad person

"Police will handle amorous snapping turtles." When they're on the road, it takes a while to get them off

DC museum to archive Anne Frank's father's correspondence, as soon as they find someone who can read braille

Pilot who crashed helicopter in Manhattan radioed that he was lost. Then it hit him

Record heat expected in Seattle, as thousands of residents emerge from the haze to hiss at the sun

Armed intruder flees apartment by jumping out of third-story window before being caught by police. Bail set at $100K, as he's definitely a flight risk

Grace Jones dead. Short illness, judging by how pale she looks in recent photo

Federal Authorities raid 8chan, will spend years in therapy for various rule 34 violations

Californians better start raking the woods a lot more thoroughly than they did last year


Sports:

David Ortiz shot in Dominican Republic, is in stable condition. Doctors say he's lucky he didn't get shot in Luxembourg or Testes

As expected, Kyrie Irving opts out of his Celtics contract, says he's looking for a deal that could pay him $141 million over five years, to be paid in a flat fee just like the Earth

Brett Hull gives one of the drunkest speeches in Stanley Cup history or as one fan called it, he's that episode where Bender becomes human


Geek:

Another reason America's murder rate has declined: cell phones, which ended drug dealers' turf wars by reducing dicey in-person disputes over price and quality. Now America's OD rate has increased, so we're still dying from drugs, but more quietly

Rob Liefeld declares DC Comics is "gonna drive off a cliff." Unclear how they'll do this without feet to hold down the gas pedal

Kentucky now rated as one of the least green states. It's so bad there that even the grass is blue

Which leads us to propose the novel theory that the T. rex died out because of skunks


Entertainment:

Sotheby's to auction lock of Beethoven's hair, presumably not from a lud wig

Iron Maiden, Judas Priest planning to embark on a US tour in 2020. Support acts expected include: Testament, Obituary, Depends, Geritol, Doan's Pills

Conservationists really wish tourists would get over Machu Picchu


Politics:

Republican Senator Josh Hawley says studying Watergate is a waste of time because it happened before he was born. Which is exactly what happened when no one bothered to study Vietnam before they got us into Iraq

Trump: I cast Executive Privilege at the House. DM: You have awakened the House. It catches you and eats you

Royal Albert Hall shows off the new redecorations in its killer Prince of Whales Room

Fox news apologizes for airing a clip of Rep. John Lewis while talking about Rep. Elijah Cummings, said they didn't realize we had two of them now

White House announces that Sarah Sanders will resign as Press Secretary at the end of June. Sarah Sanders expected to deny the report out of pure instinct

Chuka Umunna leaves Independent Group to join Liberal Democrats, takes a whiskey drink, takes a vodka drink, takes a lager drink, takes a cider drink

FARK seemingly uninterested in greenlighting the fact that we're transferring control of ICE's concentration camps to the military to prevent oversight. So let's pretend Joe Biden grabbed somebody's ass on camera or something. Yeah, that's the ticket


Business:

Defense contractors Raytheon and United Technologies announce merger, new entity to be named Omni Consumer Products

Fiat Chrysler recalls truck line for living up to its name

Chewy IPO raises $1 billion *triumphant Wookiee growl*


Discussion:

Here's how to handle that one slacker coworker you have to deal with day in and day out. And, if you think they don't exist, then you're the slacker

My wife drinks too much, has never bathed our 7-year-old son and now wants a divorce. Should I be reading Slate?

A somewhat late review of Slaughterhouse-Five by Salman Rushdie


D'awww:

Man who runs a dog and cat rescue takes in a lost baby goat who goes on to become the most popular kid living there

Cocker Spaniel has Fainting Goat Syndrome, but he may just be faking it for extra belly rubs

Baby elephant takes its very first wobbly steps, tries to iron out a few wrinkles

Happiness is getting thicker - And Harmony's getting larrrrrrrrger


Food:

$1 grilled cheese truck. That's it. That's all. What's wrong with this? NOT A DAMN THING

Think you know Indian food? It's all a lie. You've been eating Mexican

Drink it fast, or drink it slow, your lips have got to touch the toe

________________________ 

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Etiquette rules for modern life, plus return of Headlines of the Week
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-06-11 11:54:08 AM (74 comments) | Permalink

Most people learn basic rules of etiquette growing up, but modern technology begets situations that don't have established guidelines for proper behavior, and people can sometimes wind up being rude unintentionally. Fark is here to help you through some of those situations. Here are a few tips to help you navigate your way through these strange new waters.

- If someone lends you an earbud so you can hear the music they're listening to, don't just hand it back when you're done. Nobody wants an earbud covered with your earwax. Be sure to lick the earbud clean before returning it.

- The Boy Scouts have a rule stating to leave the campsite better than you found it. The same is true for rideshare services. When you take an Uber, Lyft, or other rideshare, bring along some cleaning supplies. As your driver is taking you to your destination, spray all-purpose cleaner on all surfaces, pull out some old newspaper (it works better than paper towels), and get to wiping. Make sure you get the windows, seats, and the oft-neglected ceiling of the car. Since you're using all-purpose cleaner, it should be used on any upholstery as well.

- If a colleague, friend or family member sends you an email that contains errors, use it as a teaching experience. Highlight all mistakes and insert corrections in bold red lettering. This is especially important when exchanging emails with a hiring manager if you're seeking employment - they need to see that you know more than them and that they need you to keep them from looking foolish again.

What other circumstances leave you at a loss for proper protocol? Drop me an email with your question and you might find it answered in a future Fark NotNewsletter.

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
whither_apophis reacted to an HPV warning from Marcia Cross
Norad knew how a medical examiner could've recovered after making an offensive joke during an autopsy
blatz514 was disappointed in how a parent handled it when his son's school gave him an award for being "most annoying"
Prank Call of Cthulhu gave a personal example of the dangers of vacuuming stuff that your body produces out of your body
cherryl taggart pointed out the bad part about winning a civil suit against Kampground Karen
Olympic Trolling Judge showed what happened when a meteorologist expressed disdain for Sinclair's "Code Red" weather alerts
Harry Freakstorm paraphrased Major General Oliver Prince Smith
BolshyGreatYarblocks quoted the Germans' reaction to D-Day
Subtonic found a good use for a still from a video from a cat with a camera attached to it
markie_farkie ruled out a potential suspect when a motorcyclist went missing

Smart:
zbtop gave an idea of how things looked from the inside when teens shot paintballs at a house
jake_lex pointed out why it was so bad for a YouTube prankster to feed an Oreo filled with toothpaste to a homeless person
Magorn suggested a new name for trophy hunters
Priapetic explained why pranking homeless people for YouTube videos isn't harmless
khatores gave reasons for liking them thicc instead of skinny
God-is-a-Taco showed how scary paintball guns can look
lesliepop pooh-poohed a planned sleepover activity
dready zim discussed how police should conduct surveillance
Circusdog320 shared a photo of Jupiter and its homies
Ivo Shandor discussed using homeopathy to supposedly cure measles

CSB Sunday Morning:   That one time at the pool
Smart:
bacchanalias and consequences found that things often work out if you just don't freak out about them
Funny:  Russ1642's friend learned a lesson about ogling girls at the pool

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: fly_gal made a strange and disgusting offer
Smart: italie wasn't a fan of a business trip dress code
Smart: Ceteris Paribus says gave advice to someone who couldn't get the coals lit for a charcoal grill
Funny: croesius reworded a warning to pesky deer
Funny: sarahthustra envisioned hooking up all the single Farkers in TotalFark Discussion
Funny: The Pope of Manwich Village had some good luck and some bad luck

Politics Funny:
blastoh figured out Donald Trump's style inspiration
Mike_LowELL was reminded of another fashion icon
ArkPanda knew what the United Kingdom would do to keep U.S. health care companies away
iron de havilland showed Trump reacting to messages mowed into grass under Air Force One's flightpath
Wadded Beef caught a distinct sound in an interview of Jared Kushner

Politics Smart:
Trump's phrasing brought a picture to JerseyTim's mind
bloobeary noted how insulted the Straight Pride parade people should feel
thedumbone explained why it mattered that Trump appeared to be nodding off while Queen Elizabeth was speaking
jayhawk88 imagined how baby boomers might be described in the future
Supadope figured out where the idea for a violent alt-right video game came from


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Cork on Fork created a motivational poster especially for Farkers
RedZoneTuba made a word puzzle
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel gave advice for people with house-elves
zeon reminded us not to be too cocky
retrophil showed how to kick the F out of yourself
hail2daking designed a Pokimono
hail2daking discovered an unpleasant mix-up in the operating room
RedZoneTuba put Calvin and Hobbes in a roller coaster
Stephen_Falken brought a spiritual perspective
retrophil had a special message from Journey

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 735: "Doors 2" ended in a threeway with henryhill's photo of Hassan II Mosque's doors in Casablanca, Morocco, kittyhas1000legscrimson canyon casa, and ChimpNipplesdrinking fountain in a spotlight

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Beyond Fark (brought to you by doyner)

Last week, we learned of the passing of daRog, an olde-time Farker, and a cornerstone of the LP community.  While the fact that he had made his Last Post did not come as a surprise to those who had noticed his absence last year, it was still a shock to have confirmation that he had passed away in May of 2018. While the details are not public, it's known that had been sick for a couple of months prior.

In death, a member of Project Mayhem has a name.  His name was Roger Coyle.

You can visit his memorial thread here, which is less hand-wringing (as Roger would prefer), and more of an Irish wake woven into the continuum he had been so much a part of.

Roger was both amicably aloof and irascibly caring. His cold, dry wit was only bested by his talents for electronic arts and craftsman's vision.  He'd likely bristle at being described as a cyberpunk, as that would be cliché. Based on his Photoshop chops, IT expertise, respect for Oxford commas, creations and vision, perhaps he'd best be described as a cyber Last Post-modernist.  He could be found all over Fark from time to time (with many Photoshop masterpieces to his credit), but his online home was where the memes, shoops, GIFs, and shiatposting of Fark's misfit toys live, maintaining the official records of LP for the better part of a decade.

His enduring legacy, however, is as the consistent voice of stark snark and reasoned opinion.  He hated whinging, eBay, stupidity, breaking the Ten Commandments, and receiving defective 12V 10A DC PWMs from China.  He tolerated some things [citation needed], but he loved to create, longcat, and our community (because friendship is magic).  He was there in the meatworld when people needed him and never sought nor expected the same in return.

Rest in peace, daRog, LP71-LP1122.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, June 20 & Saturday, June 22: Buffalo, NY Fark Party events - Shakespeare in the Park (Thursday) & Brewers Festival (Saturday)


Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)


Headline of the Week returns!

We're working our way through the previous weeks by tab and they'll show up in fark.com/hotw when we've finished all the tabs!  One thing we've considered is to share a thread of all the chosen headlines per tab, if that sounds appealing, let us know.

We've been spinning our wheels a bit on HotW, and it's time to ask what you think.  We love Headline of the Week because it lets us highlight the creativity (especially in wordplay/puns and visual headlines), smart (especially  context and really clever headlines), sideways thinking, thought-provoking, and just damn funny headlines that our submitters come up with every week.  This does result in a lot of Headlines for final voting though - great because everyone can see the awesome variety of headlines Fark has to offer, but challenging because all those headlines at the end of the year can get overwhelming.

What do you think?  What do you love about Headline of the Week?  What do you love about Headline of the Year?

Please let us know your thoughts and enjoy our current week's Headlines of the Week!

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-02 to Sat 2019-06-08:

He was wearing nothing but a smile. I hollered "Don't look, Ethel," but it was too late

87% of Americans wouldn't recognize socialism if they met it at the post office

Well I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see

Wait, those emails were real??

HOA refuses to do anything about vulture infestation plaguing homeowners, possibly out of professional courtesy

Won't be greenlit, submitting anyhow

They *finally* cleared out that Subaru

Long before Star Trek, James Scotty Doohan killed two Nazi snipers and was known as the "craziest pilot in the Canadian air force." He gave it all he could, Captain

Cow farts, they said

Farmer steals chickens to buy gas for his $290,000 BMW. Apparently struggling to make hens meet


Sports:

Yo Dawg I heard you like Padres so I put some Padres in your Padres

Octopus rides a moray eel. Wins a belt buckle

The Wentz Wagon is now a Brinks truck

At this rate Johnny Football is going to see more leagues than Jules Verne


Geek:

♪ Radio killed the liver cancer... Radio killed the liver cancer... In our lungs and in our hearts... It stopped tumors from going too far... ♪

Physicists figure out how to save the quantum cat. Suck it, Schrodinger

Make Apple Grate Again

"How fish and shrimps could be recruited as underwater spies." No word on how they would hold up when caught and/or grilled


Entertainment:

Monty Python's Flying Circus confuses the cat for the final time as Terry Jones' dementia has stolen his voice. Graham Chapman's urn inconsolable

Entertainment Weekly apparently has a lot of vacation time saved up

Granger Smith's 3-year-old River drowns, which is particularly alarming to their other son Wood Chipper


Politics:

Baby boomers, Generation X, Generation Y: Meet Generation Lockdown

President Ron Burgundy: "Go fark yourself, London"

Biden is the most electable candidate. Just ask President Kerry

The moon is now a part of Mars. Uranus inconsolable

US Embassies: Hey, can we fly rainbow flags to support Pride? Trump admin: No. Embassies: Sorry, can't hear you over how FABULOUS we are


Business:

"Yes we buy your excess power but there's a fee for buying it and a fee for charging a fee plus the backup power fee so you owe us more than if you just bought power from us. Have a nice day"

Bold move assuming millennials have an extra $1000 lying around to invest

The shadow banks are back and there's gonna be a bubble. Hey-la Hey-la the banks are back


Discussion:

Does this My First Massacre kit seem over the top to anyone else?

I got a mullet today. The legends are true. Beer does taste better with a mullet

"If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write." -Stephen King. It's true, I read twitter all day and I'm almost ready to publish my four-hundred-tweet novel. This is your Fark Writer's Thread, Inspired Edition


D'awww:

Husky in a drain pipe, I know, I know it's serious

What has no pants and roams around a Jacksonville neighborhood screaming like a bear?

Do you speak baby jive?


Food:

The best steakhouse in every state, because even Elvis loved meat tender

Having barely survived kale, is America ready for kelp smugness?

With anniversary of Anthony Bourdain's death coming soon, top chefs nominate June 25 to be celebrated as Bourdain Day, a holiday certainly more meaningful to foodies and millennials than Columbus and Presidents Day combined
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Guess what you've been doing wrong your whole life
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-06-05 1:00:44 PM (80 comments) | Permalink

Everything, apparently. The internet loves to tell us we're doing pretty much anything we ever do the wrong way. You can't shower or eat a hamburger or even slice a loaf of bread without someone finding flaws in your technique. Recently, it actually became this huge debate on social media when it was discovered that either 20% or 80% of people are cleaning their legs wrong. We sound like the inept oafs in infomercials who can't perform basic tasks without some special new product to help us out. There's got to be a better way! Well, if we can't charge a phone or watch TV properly, there's probably not much hope for us. 

Some of the "corrections" of basic actions that Farkers have gotten the most riled up about are grilling steak, assembling hot dogs, warming up your car/not warming up your car on cold winter days, and -- oh lawd -- typing the correct number of spaces after periods. For the record, you really should only put one space after a period, full stop. Drew still puts two, so I'm probably going to be fired now.   

XOXO,

DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
naughtyrev was confused by an headline about a "pastor and manager of a Christian pizza parlor"
bearded clamorer knew why a pastor threw a phone into a river
FortyHams shared a bit of trivia about Jon Arbuckle from the Garfield comics
Publikwerks found out something surprising about Kid Rock
davidphogan figured out incels' real problem
Prank Call of Cthulhu came up with a plan to help incels
ecmoRandomNumbers figured out how a woman got lost in a Hawaiian forest for 17 days
Mike_LowELL wrote the unauthorized biography of Fark dot com (this is truly a work of art)
Giant Clown Shoe thought that a woman who attacked a Burger King manager had a familiar hairstyle
swamp_of_dumb explained why another Farker would not be able to wear a kippa "down there"

Smart:
Marcus Aurelius pointed something out to jelqing incels (we all miss the days when those weren't words)
sithon tried to use logic against incels
Diogenes had a question for a landlord who evicted a 102-year-old woman
no1curr knew how to pronounce GIF
Gordon Bennett summed up the "pickup artist" guidebook, "The Game"
Prank Call of Cthulhu spotted the real cause of an incel's problems
scottydoesntknow crunched the numbers on some anti-marijuana doctors and scientists
OptionC agreed that alcohol and marijuana are gateway drugs
evilsofa had a suggestion to help lost hikers
wejash knew what to do about residents blocking access to a public beach

CSB Sunday Morning:  Good, bad, and weird advice you've been given
Smart:
 Hillbilly Jim once got some good relationship advice from Drew
Smart (honorable mention - it got the most votes, but was top-voted in a previous CSB thread): Recoil Therapy used the valuable advice to never be one of the first few back
Funny: gordian got some plumbing advice from a new neighbor

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: maddan pointed out what would happen if prostitution were legalized in the U.S.
Funny: Smock Pot showed off the new grill
Funny: Badafuco knew why there was a flatware discussion thread
Funny: Chris Ween was philosophical about a problematic fork
Smart: WickerNipple gave one reason why fast food workers might mess up your order

Bonus: TFDers were asked if they could improve upon a greenlit Fark headlineKangTheMad had the best headline rewrite with a new version of this headline from a few days before

Politics Funny:
Mike_LowELL was worried by Donald Trump's report after meeting with the Prime Minister of Japan
GardenWeasel figured that unhealthy cooking supplies were a security concern
AdmirableSnackbar remarked on Robert Mueller's televised statement
moos saw how Trump's tariffs will improve Americans' morale
Demetrius noticed some familiar names working in the White House

Politics Smart:
blastoh rephrased a New York Times tweet
Dewey Fidalgo gave an example of Trump's protection of African Americans in the legal system
Jack Sabbath answered a question about the legal process if the DOJ won't comply with a court order
Arachnophobe figured out what would result from following Duncan Hunter's idea to help people returning from combat
Shostie found one of many problems with Duncan Hunter's logic


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Terrapin Bound discovered that that stupid dress is just as confusing in person
Don_cos showed us what happens when you let Pac-Man eat too much
hail2daking helped an underdressed cat
RedZoneTuba discovered why you shouldn't play games with a Xoloitzcuintli
Circusdog320 preferred a moonlit beach
i-dig gave Chewbacca some Botox
Yammering_Splat_Vector made a defective mirror
verchad found where the Galactic Empire goes on vacation
zeon showed that Lucy is just mean to everybody
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave us a gassy tiger

Farktography:
reddfrogg won Farktography Contest No. 734: "Illustrate a Fark Tag" with a good depiction of Fark's "Weeners" tag

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Thursday, June 20 & Saturday, June 22: Buffalo, NY Fark Party events - Shakespeare in the Park (Thursday) & Brewers Festival (Saturday)


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on this quiz, where we learned just how universal that Universal Tractor Fluid really is. I'm thinking if space aliens crash land their ship on earth and need help repairing it to get back to their home planet, Universal Tractor Fluid will figure into the equation at some point.

On the quiz itself, Grumpyoldgeek takes top honors with 935, followed by rrl in second with 882 and Oliver Twisted in third with 838. Blackstone takes fourth with 833, and Ponzholio makes the top five with 828.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over which country took over Julian Assange's belongings following his arrest and expulsion from the Ecuadorian Embassy in London. Only 31% of quiztakers knew that the Ecuadorian government gave all his stuff to the United States, presumably because it was so grungy the British equivalent of Goodwill wouldn't take it. No word on his cat's tie collection, but I imagine the litterbox contents are being run through a mass spectrometer as we speak.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which movie you can watch while floating on the waters of Santa Rosa Sound in Pensacola Beach, FL during a special event this July. 80% of quiztakers knew that $35 will get you a custom floatie, a glow necklace, and some sharkbite artwork to admire after you get home from (IF you get home from) watching the original Jaws. Dun-dun... Dun-dun... Dun-dun-dundundundundundundun...

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over a marketing department that apparently no longer drug tests its employees. Only 24% of quiztakers knew that the giant two-story flamingo floating up and down the East River in New York City was a marketing stunt for Pepsi. Which, IMHO, means the stunt failed. I mean, seriously, get a bigger logo, people.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the location of the United States Marine Corps Recruit Depot in Parris Island. 82% of quiztakers knew that Parris Island could be found in the state of South Carolina, while the other 18% of quiztakers need some more PT with profane marching cadences.

If you missed the quiz, you can catch up on it here. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week.
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