________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis: 
 
I don't want to alarm anyone, but there's apparently a cow rampage going on in Queens right now.  Good news though, I have some experience with this kind of thing.  Happens all the time in Kentucky.  Last time, the cow was apprehended by a local cowboy. All NYC needs to do is find one of those and they'll be totally fine.  And as always, your dog wants steak. 
 
Wait, I'm getting word that the cow has been captured without the use of a cowboy.  Nice job, NYC.  Although I'm not sure I believe they're actually sending the cow to a "cow sanctuary," whatever that is.
 
 ________________________
 
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
________________________
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Russia - 4042
Michael Flynn - 2192
Mar-a-Lago - 280
Sweden - 506
Bacon - 323
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
PirateKing pointed out how Monopoly is out of date
Johnny Rockets lamented the collateral cost of the death of a KKK imperial wizard
hubiestubert expressed condolences for the imperial wizard's death
Sin_City_Superhero listed the good Samaritans who showed up to help someone
thatguyoverthere70 decried the double standard created when you let your cats get high on catnip
cyberspacedout doubted that whales react to impending earthquakes
Barfmaker found a photo of one of Harrison Ford's near-misses
clodcomplex showed an image from Harrison Ford's last piloting mishap
gaspode was concerned about a news source
LowbrowDeluxe reacted to news of a KKK imperial wizard's death
 
Smartest:
oldernell predicted what might happen after a boss fired his workers for not working on A Day Without Immigrants
Grand_Moff_Joseph found hope in a defiant act by a basketball team
DarkSoulNoHope suggested a way to combat illegal immigration
fusillade762 shared a comparison of how people deal with new information
BumpInTheNight hoped for some happy endings
PirateKing had a message for land-grabby Russians
PirateKing pointed out how Monopoly is out of date
Insertwitty Namehere wasn't sad about a death
Sliding Carp explained why the Oroville Dam was in trouble
fusillade762 knew why a writer of fake news got started
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Accidentally frank
Smartest: HeathenHealer's friend made an observation about HeathenHealer's girlfriend
Funniest: Tatertoot was reminded that kids will rat you out
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
Sudo_Make_Me_A_Sandwich was happy that Trump used his catchphrase again
wandero noticed an alarming problem in the White House
Nied shared some wise words from "The Simpsons"
justafarkingchef posted the reaction of a former Hollywood star who became president
Packaged_Candy summed up a former NSA intelligence analyst's feelings
 
Politics Smartest:
DeadPhelps wrote a comment that was brought to you by the letter "U"
dorko16 thought that a couple of branches were absent from work
FormlessOne had a message for Trump voters
AdmirableSnackbar gave a reason for not believing Trump will go to jail
what_now reacted to news of Michael Flynn's resignation
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba caught the second best ride in the neighborhood
Iggie showed us the most powerful baby in the world
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel's hard work paid off
RedZoneTuba ran into some familiar characters
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel made the Mona Lisa a little less mysterious
Circusdog320 created a cover for the album of the year
RedZoneTuba found a proud father-to-be
whyRpeoplesostupid showed someone getting some bad news
Wrongo found out why James Van Der Beek poops in the woods
Stantz showed someone finding out why gymnasts chalk their hands
 
Farktography:
Elsinore won Farktography Contest No. 615: "Holy Macro!" with some sweet water-on-water action 
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
Here are some of our favorite headlines from this week. You can see the rest and join us for tea-with-your-pinky-sticking-out right here.
 
Donald Trump spreads debunked story about Sanders. Apparently, he's not a Colonel after all
 
Trial starts for woman who chainsawed lover to death during sex, having apparently read a misprint of "Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way"
 
Man turns himself in for bestiality charges, because the evidence against him was mounting
 
Harrison Ford to air traffic control: "Everything is perfectly alright now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?"
 
Abilify drug blamed for compulsive gambling, eating, shopping and sex. Sounds like it lived up to its name
 
Pelicans' Buddy Hield grabs Kings' DeMarcus Cousins by groin, gets ejected. Most painful sack of the year
 
Deforestation in Brazil has increased 30% in the past 12 months. It would have been even more but apparently they decided to leave a landing strip
 
Turns out the articles weren't all that great
 
Trump appoints an art historian to the National Security Council because nobody told him those Dan Brown books were fiction
 
Oregon looks to fund education budget with a proposed coffee tax. Starbucks customers immediately protest over taxation without caffeination
 
NFL and CBS discuss ways to make games shorter. Atlanta Falcons immediately suggest ending their games after the first half  
 
 
Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
We made it waaaay too easy for you this week, with no less than 7 users in the 1000 club. We won't make that mistake again in our next quiz. In first place this week is Panic Near Detroit with 1041, followed closely by caddisfly with 1037 and bratface with 1036. In fourth place was whither_apophis scoring 1030, and Hawkin05 and GunPlumber tied for fifth, each scoring 1025. Since it was so close, I'll also give a shout-out to bikerbob59, whose score of 1024 also gets in the 1000 club.
 
The easiest question this week was about the Monopoly tokens. A whopping 95% of quiz takers knew that you will soon no longer be stuck with the thimble in a game with many players. I guess if you really, really like the thimble (you weirdo), you can always go dig in Grandma's sewing basket. You won't find a tiny racecar or a miniature shoe there, so I call it a wash. It beats Grandma rooting about in your Monopoly case.
 
The hardest question this week was about a proposed tax in Oregon. Only 48% of quiz takers knew that an Oregon state legislator had proposed a tax on coffee. No word on if the Kahlua shots will cost extra as well.
 
If you haven't had a chance to take the quiz, you can do so right here. Thanks to all quiz takers, and we'll see you next week!

________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis: 
 
Subscription drive update:
 
Last week, we were at 1900 total new TotalFark and close to 1000 BareFark subscribers since we started about a month ago.
 
However, we dropped 400 TotalFark subscribers in the past week.  This is likely due to the fact that it has been a month since we made the announcement about Google incident in October, and a bunch of one-time $5 subscriptions were purchased.  I remain optimistic.
 
BareFark subscriptions have leveled off but haven't dropped any - they've remained steady.  Looks like most people opted for year-long subscriptions there.  Thank you so much!
 
It's not super-worrying, but we're also still kind of far off what we need to repair the financial damage from late 2016.
 
So if you have signed up, thank you so much!  If you haven't had a chance yet, please do so.  $5 a month makes a world of difference to us!  It got us through January, but we're not out of the woods yet.
 
 
Updated iPhone App:
 
We've launched a new version of our iPhone app - it's called Hey! On Fark!.  I find myself using this more than the desktop version these days.  It's not super complicated, and there's a great notifications feature to alert you to breaking news, specific news you want, and/or people mentioning you in threads.
 
NEW FEATURES
- Submit articles directly to Fark from Safari
- Fark StickerPack for Messages
- Use saved Safari username/password to log into the app.
- Improved Fark site view performance
 
BUG FIXES
including...
- Fix problem loading some linked articles
- Fix problem with posting images in comments
- Screen size updates for the larger iPhone sizes
- Back button now goes back to where you left off, instead of reloading and jumping to the top
 
We don't have an Android version - mainly because we don't have enough resources to develop one.  However if anyone wants to take a crack at it, we've got an excellent prototype in the iPhone app.  The biggest problem in coding software is getting the spec right, a straight replication would do the trick.  If anyone's interested in helping, drop me an email. Drew at Fark dot com
 
 
San Francisco Fark Party 2/7 wrap-up:
 
Thanks to everyone who came out for the birthday bash - that was a great showing!  We had balloons, cupcakes, and an impromptu sauna-type atmosphere thanks to some amazing humidity from the brewing rooms in the back.  Special thanks to Farker xxxx who called in right near the end and bought us a full pitcher of the strongest beer they had on tap.  It's literally the last thing I remember, which in birthday parlance is known as "doing it right".  Thanks again to everyone who came!
 
We're doing some advance planning for a party in SF in October.  If you'd like to host a Fark party in your area let us know. We'll schedule it up for you and if I can make it I will!
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
________________________
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
She persisted - 45
See you in court - 57
Melissa McCarthy - 182
Nordstrom - 264
Grammy - 126
Valentine - 345
Bacon - 296
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
HighlanderRPI knew what made it possible for passengers to clean Nazi graffiti in a subway car
Farking Clown Shoes showed someone who is impatient with Trump's tweets
WordsnCollision expressed concern for a cartoon willy (warning: cartoon willy at top of thread)
somedude210 had a slogan for the company that operated the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant
Pocket Ninja advised a Farker who didn't want to put cold ketchup on hot food
Solid State Vittles gave advice on getting a spider to move out
Abe Vigoda's Ghost changed a sign to make it very confusing for a second
fusillade762 clarified a tweet
Walker explained why a woman was upset when a daycare worker breastfed her son
fusillade762 answered another Farker's question about the afterlife
 
Smartest:
what_now reacted to a controversial commercial
F-14Tomcat shared some information about building contractors
eurotrader made a guess about armed men who walked into a police station
Silverstaff thought that some votes don't make sense
maldinero thought 84 Lumber had a plan
Ow! That was my feelings! recommended taking your head out of your butt
El_Perro wanted to know why an activity should be illegal
HighlanderRPI knew what made it possible for passengers to clean Nazi graffiti in a subway car
docpeteyJ explained that first responders can still be disturbed by things they see
J Noble Daggett disagreed with reasoning behind a proposed law
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Friendly bets
Smartest: harleyquinnical lost a bet and introduced a fellow Farker to a great beer
Funniest: Anokha was a gracious winner
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
The Pope of Manwich Village showed what could be Trump's reaction to a ruling he didn't like
simplicimus had a helpful suggestion for people boycotting Budweiser
Mrs.Sharpier shared a tweet reacting to Trump's "SEE YOU IN COURT" tweet
Rapmaster2000 shared a story about an American hero going to Congress
markie_farkie explained what's happening with the Russian dossier on Trump
 
Politics Smartest:
hubiestubert had feelings about people who are angry about a commercial
clancifer shared some information about Trump's loyalty
somedude210 was grateful for something that limits the president's power
Kome wanted to talk about what's really happening to a historic degree
Weaver95 thought the purge was just getting started
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Herb Utsmelz made Princess Leah's buns a lot more badass
Iggie added a challenge to this commute
Rev.K made Drew speak
RedZoneTuba showed us what cats can do with prosthetic feet
Surly U. Jest revealed the truth about a scientist
JAGUART found Drew getting refreshments for his birthday party
Yammering_Splat_Vector posted a comparison of presidential portraits
Mirrorz sent Drew on a joy ride
Yammering_Splat_Vector will soon be blowing up Alderaan (best wishes for you, YSV)
Noitall made an unnatural love slightly more natural
 
Farktography:
CAPTIAN SLAPPY won Farktography Contest No. 614: "Happiness Is...(2)" with a hot spring soaker.
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.

________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis: 
 
Subscription drive update: We're at 1900 total new TotalFark and close to 1000 BareFark subscribers since we started about a month ago.  Thanks for signing up!  If you haven't had a chance please do so, we're still behind where we need to be revenue-wise thanks to the Google incident in October. $5 a month makes a world of difference to us!
 
My birthday is tomorrow and we're doing a Fark Party in San Francisco at Black Hammer Brewery starting around 6pm.  I'm in town working on a project that I'll be announcing in another week or two, if you want to know sooner than that come out Tuesday night and I'll tell you in person!
 
It's not just my birthday, it's also Fark's birthday.  I don't have an exact record of what day Fark started, but at some point during February back in 1999, the first Fark links were posted on the site.  We've been doing this for 18 years now.  Looking back, I could have never anticipated the changes we've all seen, the people we've met.  It's been a truly amazing experience - here's looking forward to 18 more years.
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
________________________
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Super Bowl - 654
Superbowl - 213
Superb Owl - 154
Patriots - 781
Falcons - 629
Puppy Bowl - 50
Bowling Green Massacre - 179
Bacon - 536
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
Notabunny had some news that will affect your grilled cheese sandwiches
Oreminer was concerned about Australia's heat wave
markie_farkie requested accuracy in underpants-related headlines
Bith Set Me Up illustrated a culinary technique
ToastmasterGeneral wrote the (spoiler-filled) opening crawl for the next Star Wars film
naughtyrev shared a photo from the recent raid in Yemen
SillBinger gave advice on dealing with a racist relative
Alex_Lee might have found Donald Trump's secret Fark account
Slaxl defended a teacher who flashed her students
Current Resident posted a gif that is probably safe for work, but use caution
 
Smartest:
Weaver95 wasn't surprised by a statistic about religious bigotry
hubiestubert gave a lot of information about culinary arts colleges
shower_in_my_socks posted a photo of a man with a protest sign
FormlessOne discussed the way the immigration ban was implemented
Ivo Shandor shared some statements about Christianity
shower_in_my_socks shared a statement from John McCain
Alcaste reacted to the attack on a mosque in Quebec
JohnAnnArbor remarked on the usefulness of Twitter
whither_apophis shared some wise words about being American
Lipo made a suggestion for how Canada should stop future attacks on mosques
 
CSB Sunday Morning: You can't explain that
Smartest:  OMGSTFU saw the world through another person's eyes
Funniest:  OtherLittleGuy was pranked by a ghost
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
Ivo Shandor shared a tweet about the Bowling Green Massacre
King Something guessed a secret phrase
shower_in_my_socks was eager to hear what one influential American thought of a ruling against Trump's immigration ban
chicken_little was feeling defensive
Ivo Shandor shared a Sean Spicer Fact
 
Politics Smartest:
Twist2005 thought that perhaps America really is becoming great again
karmaceutical reacted to Trump firing Sally Yates with relief
Brosephus discussed immigration law
Hobodeluxe shared a political cartoon with a (slightly edited) prophecy
Archidude was concerned about Trump's health
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
grampy gave a drink a classy new top
Yammering_Splat_Vector assembled a new Dali
FarkingIceHole formed the new political party, the Lemon Party
Surly U. Jest upgraded the in-flight entertainment
RedZoneTuba bet on the wrong horse
Iggie showed us who is using the Kragle
Alligator gave this licker a little KISS
Yammering_Splat_Vector found that aliens have comfortable transportation
ToastmasterGeneral showed a handy size comparison
#2 took a luxury flight from the world's best airport
 
Farktography:
Circusdog320 won Farktography Contest No. 613: "Frickin' Laser Beams" with an ugly bag of mostly water
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats
 
Tuesday, February 7th: San Francisco birthday party for Drew and E-Brake
 
If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.

Have a lemon party! And speaking of parties....
________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis: 
 
Subscription drive update: We're at 1700 total new TotalFark and close to 900 BareFark subscribers since we started about two weeks ago.  That's a small but consistent bump from last week, similar to the increase we saw last week.  Slow and steady wins the race, as they say.  If you haven't signed up for either or both subscriptions, please consider doing so.  This newsletter alone reaches over 200,000 people, if just 5% of you sign up, we'll hit our goal - We need about 10,000 to recover from the revenue hit we took last October.
 
In other news, I'm traveling to San Francisco next week for stuff - and it turns out that I'll be there on Tuesday February 7th which is also my birthday.  Anyone up for a Fark Party Tuesday night?  We need a new venue, we used to do it at Lefty O'Douls for forever but they close as of Friday looks like.  Hit me with suggestions, either via email or in the comments for the blog on Fark.
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
________________________
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Executive order - 758
Airport - 370
But her emails - 58
Bacon - 308
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
WyDave turned an annoying slogan into a depressing slogan
The Bunyip shared an illustration depicting the response to Trump's Muslim ban
Wadded Beef showed a cheeky protest sign
Bowen came in with a pop culture reference
Munden proved that a border wall between the U.S. and Mexico is a good idea
Harry_Seldon showed what an emergency stay might look like
MrBallou found a flattering view from the inauguration gigapixel
TheReject lamented a dangerous decision
ChipNASA shared a startling revelation
L.D. Ablo settled in for the show
 
Smartest:
make me some tea was happy about a court decision
Delawhat thought Trump should have taken Khizr Kahn up on his offer
xxBirdMadGirlxx was confused by some Trump behavior
bdub77 discussed the difference between Obama's and Trump's entry bans
Glitchwerks thanked the ACLU
ariseatex discussed the work the ACLU is doing
kb7rky shared a dream
kb7rky posted a chart comparing countries that did and did not get included in the ban
dennysgod made an observation about drone strikes
EmmaLou thought some things ruin a life more than others
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Favorite childhood toys
Smartest:  Praise Cheesus had a beautiful custom bicycle
Funniest:  Raddamant competed in an epic trebuchet contest
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
fusillade762 shared some advice from some demonstrators
Ivo Shandor posted a comic with a suggestion for curbing the president's Twitter habit
born_yesterday let another Farker know that we're not so formal around here
duppy explained why Trump didn't lose the popular vote after all
brantgoose revealed the top-secret advice Obama left for Trump
 
Politics Smartest:
daphne is to blame for any executive orders that Trump signed that you don't approve of
MattikusNZ pointed out that the alternative savings would be passed on to the consumer
fusillade762 shared an analysis of the Trump administration's first press conference
Cewley asked a question about communicating across political lines
MmmmBacon commented on the use of executive orders
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Mojongo showed that people were wrong to doubt Donald Trump
RedZoneTuba corrected last week's headlines
Iggie did some redecorating for the inauguration
RedZoneTuba found a bowler with perfect form
null helped fill in the crowd for Trump's inauguration
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel designed a shirt for foxy people
Iggie gave this coffee enthusiast a reason to laugh
stertz finally received those x-ray glasses
Herb Utsmelz got some recognition
RedZoneTuba found some sledders with more enthusiasm
 
Farktography:
MorningBreath won Farktography Contest No. 612: "Yellow 2" with a super-sexy dandelion
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.

If I were a more talented person and had more time on my hands, I'd write a "12 Days of Christmas" type of song about last week. It would include such things as inauguration attendance estimates, women's marches, alternative facts, arguments over the significance of copying a cake design, and questions regarding the morality of punching a Nazi (or just being glad that someone else did it). As it stands, though, I'm just a DisseminationMonkey, looking at a Fark, asking it to to please not rant about politics in the NotNewsletter thread.
________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis: 
 
Hey everyone - subscription drive update:
 
We're at 1500 new TotalFark and 750 BareFark subscribers - an increase of 300 and 150 over last week.  I'm still optimistic - it was a short but busy week.  Just a reminder: If you could sign up for one or both of these, it would help us immensely.  And if you can't, that's fine too - telling your friends is helpful as well!
 
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
________________________
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Inauguration - 2079
March - 1731
Alternative fact - 117
Sean Spicer - 345
Bacon - 392
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
clkeagle gave proof of how useless a 9mm pistol is
Prank Call of Cthulhu described the worst part about Ringling Brothers shutting down
Igor Jakovsky showed a "Wheel of Fortune" fail
CipollinaFan made note of jaylectricity's superhero identity
The Pope of Manwich Village explained why Marla Maples and Tiffany Trump couldn't get free hairstyling
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat pointed out that openly-racist people have their limits
give me doughnuts shared The Oatmeal's take on working for exposure
culebra admonished another Farker for posting a NSFW image
clovercat showed why some people are undecided on whether or not climate change is a real problem
shanrick revealed what Trump was working on in the "Winter White House"
 
Smartest:
Weaver95 celebrated inauguration day
Diogenes urged Farkers to keep up
HedlessChickn pointed out how stupid it was to fire a school employee over a tweet
give me doughnuts shared The Oatmeal's take on working for exposure
kronicfeld disagreed with another Farker's view of the marches on Saturday
nmrsnr expressed sympathy for a lifestyle downgrade
fusillade762 thought Assange's behavior seemed familiar
someonelse also disagreed with a characterization of people who marched on Saturday
wejash thought that Julian Assange had lost a lofty position
someonelse gave reasons for joining a march
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Being stranded
Smartest:  hubiestubert was rescued in the desert by a girlfriend's protective brother
Funniest:  xanadian had a long adventure trying to get home for New Year's Eve
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
King Something requested a German translation
what_now pointed out that sometimes size matters
Farking Clown Shoes defended Trump against accusations of dishonesty
Rev. Skarekroe was happy that Trump got a new phone
Ron Vibbentrop posted a photo of Trump's parade
 
Politics Smartest:
Grand_Moff_Joseph thought that Obama got a raw deal
Weaver95 had a message for a regretful Trump voter
aaronx insulted Trump voters
Redh8t found some partially-delicious symbolism
Barfmaker pointed out that swinging your thing around hurts you, too
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Surly U. Jest found a perfect disguise at The Far Side
RedZoneTuba made this water creature look a lot friendlier
Iggie updated a Green Day album cover
Thrakkorzog combined Disney tragedy with real tragedy
Yammering_Splat_Vector made Obama look less out of place
RedZoneTuba showed something that would make White House press conferences even more awkward
Circusdog320 found something scarier than a snake in the toilet
Ennuipoet showed what it looks like when Disney actually ruins your childhood
Yammering_Splat_Vector invented a toothbrush that cleans between your teeth
Yammering_Splat_Vector discovered just how much Trump loves gold
 
Farktography:
Queen Mab won Farktography Contest No. 611: "Just Desserts Part Deux" with a delicious photo of churros with chocolate sauce and aged rum
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
I guess it does look better shaved
 
That Maserati doing 185, slid into a pond and no more will it drive
 
Brain behind killing Pinky to be evaluated for mental competency
 
Anything can be beautiful if seen at a sufficient distance, and for Detroit that distance turns out to be low Earth orbit
 
Sweden sets new record for wind speed, clocking in at 106.93 miles per hour or 394 börks per lutefisk
 
Alt-right hook
 
Trump sends Woody Johnson to the UK. Aren't those things usually made of plastic?
 
The cake is a IIe
 
Dogs no longer have a purpose. Cats have been saying this for years
 
Monica Crowley out of Trump administration after discovery of extensive plagiarism in her past
 
Monica Crowley out of Trump administration after discovery of extensive plagiarism in her past
 
Soup at Whole Foods recalled for mislabeling, which presumably caused it to be accidentally sold at normal prices 
 
 
Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
We had a great quiz this week thanks to quizmaster Jesus Farking Christ. Once again, no one broke the 1000 mark, but it wasn't for lack of trying. Firststepsadoozie reigns supreme in our top slot with a score of 979, with Huntceet and mfgordon tying for 2nd with 936. JasonOfOrillia was a hair behind with 933, and edmo rounds out the top five with a very respectable 931. 
 
This week's hardest question was about Grand Theft Auto V. Only 31% of you knew that GTA online had an insurance policy available for your nicer cars, and would charge other users for intentional damage they caused.
 
The easiest question this week was about a restaurant in British Columbia. 80% of you knew that local government wouldn't license a fish-n-chips shack called "Moby Dick".
 
Bring your brain to this week's Fark Weird News Quiz right here.

A message from Drew Curtis:
 
Well that was one of the busier weeks we've ever had.
 
So last week I announced Fark had its ads shut off for Google for about five weeks and we needed to do a subscription drive to make things whole again.  You can read about all that here.  We were hoping to get 10,000 subscribers or so - if we hit that mark, I'll schedule a night where I attempt to drink an entire bottle of bourbon and delete the politics tab again.
 
So far we've gotten about 1200 new TotalFark accounts and 600 new BareFark accounts.  That may not sound like much, but it's a really good start.  Please continue to tell your friends in social media that you read Fark, and if you could also sign up for one of the two subscriptions that would be fantastic.
 
I'm also way behind in personally thanking everyone who bought me a subscription - I'm trying to catch up.  I'm worried that I'm going to miss someone, so if that happens feel free to drop me an email to thump me on the head about it.
 
One huge unexpected benefit of the reaction to the announcement last week is that suddenly I'm seeing names in the comments sections that I haven't seen in years in some cases.  It's been like a high school reunion for the past week - assuming you really liked the people you went to high school with.  People continue to return; it's truly amazing.  Welcome back, everyone, we've missed you.
 
Folks have asked if I've heard from Google or not - I haven't and I don't expect to.  They didn't shut our ads off last week when we re-posted the same image that led to our ads being shut off in October, which I think speaks volumes about the whole situation in general.
 
Folks also asked why is it exactly that Fark has trouble bringing in new users from both social media and search traffic.  For social media, people usually share the link that we share rather than a link to Fark. This is understandable - they find an interesting article on Fark and share the article. Even if they use a Fark link to share it, without an explanation of what Fark is, that's not often going to bring a new member to Fark.
 
With search, the reason we get so little traffic has to do with Fark's layout - our main pages are an endlessly moving stream of links.  There's nowhere to hook traffic into.  Think of it as a context problem - if you wanted your friends to go visit Fark how would you do it?  You'd start by saying "I like this place, it's been around awhile, you'll read some good stuff there," which probably would get some people to click.  After that, though, how and where would you send traffic?  A traditional digital media website has thousands of articles of content, you could make an argument to visit each one of those.  It's as easy as "check out the article on this site."  With Fark, there are no articles.  We've got comment sections, but those usually don't present a unified theme, either.  So it's no mystery to me as to why we don't get much traffic from search - we never have.
 
There's an expected benefit to not having search and social traffic, mainly that we're not vulnerable to Google or Facebook deciding to change the rules all of a sudden.  There was a time where Facebook wasn't using an algorithm to limit the reach of posts on FB, but  these days anything you put on their platform has about a 7% reach (last time I looked).  Small changes to these algorithms can have outsized impact on news media platforms.  Fark's audience comes to us directly, so we're less vulnerable to changes on other platforms.
 
I'll post another update next week - meanwhile thanks so much for all you've done so far.  I know it doesn't seem like $5 a month makes a huge difference, but when lots of people do it, it moves the needle for us.  Please continue to spread the word - especially media folks who use us as a resource.  I can't tell you how amazing it is to see familiar names back on the site again.
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
________________________
 
Note: dugitman says there's a mouse somewhere in his office.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Golden shower - 462
BuzzFeed - 689
Google - 1697
Newsletter - 165
Bacon - 548
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
clodcomplex revealed what Bernie Madoff is really doing with his time in prison
Beerguy shared a cop joke
shanrick posted a troubling Trump animated gif
Diogenes showed us what it might look like when someone finds out they have Obamacare
Drew reacted to the tab changes on Fark
August11 noticed some things that Trump is doing right
tuskahoma man posted a man who's in the dog house
Sin_City_Superhero proved that there are ways of dealing with parking space hogs
Bathia_Mapes found another way to punish parking lot jerks
Learned Hand Job came in with the obligatory xkcd
 
Smartest:
Pocket Ninja had helpful advice for people who park over two spots to limit damage to their cars
markie_farkie discussed wasted welfare dollars
brap thought something stopped being funny
Weaver95 noticed something about people who want to restrict gay rights
LordJiro disagreed with the assertion that Trump is a moderate populist
sithon saw the appeal of political correctness
poorjon pointed out what everyone should already know about hooking up with drunk people
fusillade762 posted a meme about prayer
vudukungfu suggested a response to instances of police abuse
kimwim applauded a woman's decision to fight back
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Hangouts
Smartest:  timujin had an adventure one night in Phnom Penh
Funniest:  Roman Fyseek admitted to committing a crime a long time ago
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha posted a cartoon relevant to the Trump dossier published by BuzzFeed
PirateKing had an alternate headline for the BuzzFeed story
Burchill shared a hint of what was to come
markie_farkie figured out something about Donald Trump's hair
meyerkev shared a tweet defending Trump
 
Politics Smartest:
shower_in_my_socks gave reasons to not discount something just because it's on BuzzFeed
docpeteyJ saw one news story as a warning sign
raius thought some FBI decisions looked shady
Benevolent Misanthrope thought Trump's decisions are following a rule book
markie_farkie thought the end of Obama's presidency would be the end of more than that
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Surly U. Jest posted photos of Drew and his brothers
Iggie found a cat making a filthy storm
RedZoneTuba showed us what the model for the Mona Lisa really looked like
Pure Weapons-Grade Bolonium made traveling much more pleasant
Yammering_Splat_Vector found a place to ask for directions
Herb Utsmelz showed the best way to exit your car
wickedfish discovered a Peanut growing on a tree
FarkNUSA gave this lonely woman some company
Yammering_Splat_Vector taw a puddy tat
RedZoneTuba visited a forest you won't get lost in
 
Farktography:
Linguine won Farktography Contest No. 610: "Nighty Night 2" with a moonrise near Moab. Be sure to check out all the entries. Looks like we have some new people participating, as well as some who've returned after having been away for a while. Lots of great photos! 
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
These are some of Fark's favorite headlines of the Week from last week. You can view the rest of them right here.
 
Man shot in laundromat fight. Let's see how agitators in the media try to spin this one in the next news cycle
 
After you open a bottle of red wine, it's okay to store it in the refrigerator. Although why anybody would put an empty bottle of wine in the fridge is beyond me
 
Large mudslide blocks Interstate 80 near Truckee. No word on status of carees, vanees, and pickupees
 
"Knights of Malta condom scandal stretches from Myanmar to the Vatican." That's some impressive elasticity
 
Fish fraud running rampant in LA; CHiPS called in to investigate
 
Cubs choose to come to Obama's White House instead of having Trump shower them with praise
 
So what's the evolutionary advantage of CRISPR anyway, aside from keeping your lettuce fresh?
 
Is Aaron Burr gonna hafta choke a biatch?
 
Trump aide Monica Crowley has plagiarized from so many sources that this headline will probably appear in her next book
 
Under Armour launches Tom Brady line of pajamas aimed at people who still believe that an NFL quarterback who is married to a supermodel goes to bed every night wearing pajamas
 
 
Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
Our quiz masters were at it again this week, shutting everyone out of the 1000 club. Our top scorer was eikni who just missed it with 983, followed by dallylamma with 935 and Twilight Farkle right behind with 932. In 4th was abhorrent1 with a very respectable 915, and a 884 from propasaurus rounds out the top 5.
 
The always room for improvement - the highest possible theoretical score is 1100. You can try your hand at last week's quiz right here.
 
This week's most difficult question was about where the exiled King of Rwanda used to hold court; only 21% knew it was outside of a theater, while 69% thought it was in his bathtub. Because, you know, if I were king... but then again, it would have to be one seriously big bathtub. I'm talking Roman spa size. Like we're tossing some Mr. Bubbles in one of those leftover pools from the Olympics. When you're king you can do that.
 
This week's easiest question was about the shutdown of Lake Tahoe ski resorts. A whopping 92% of quiz takers knew that there was so much snow, it was not safe to ski due to low visibility and avalanche concerns.
 
And finally, a huge thank you to your quizmasters who made this quiz possible - Sim Tree, Jesus Farking Christ, phlegmmo, and Henry Fnord.

A note from Drew Curtis:
 
You would probably assume that Google, a company that makes nearly all of its money from advertising, has a crack team of ninjas instantly handling issues in their publisher network. That assumption would be totally wrong.
 
This past October we suffered a huge financial hit because Google mistakenly identified an image that was posted in our comments section over half a decade ago as an underage adult image - which is a felony by the way. Our ads were turned off for almost five weeks - completely and totally their mistake - and they refuse to make it right.
 
The thread in question, which contained the image flagged by Google Policy, was originally posted back in 2010. The thread linked to an ABC.co.au article about a guy who was acquitted of charges of possession of underage material in Puerto Rico. He'd bought a pirated DVD in Venezuela and was busted by U.S. Customs because there was a picture on the cover that looked like she was underage (I'm certain this picture isn't the same as the image Google flagged, by the way). At the trial a child psychologist even testified that there was no way she could be an adult.  Someone managed to locate the actress, however, who flew down and testified in person that she had been 19 years old at the time. He was cleared of all charges.
 
The image in the thread was of the actress, who in addition to being an adult at the time, was fully clothed in the photo. We've posted a copy of the photo in them comments under this blog post on Fark if you're curious. We're not including it on the email newsletter on the off chance other content algorithms might make the same mistake. It's completely and totally safe for work, however.
 
We took down the image in question and pointed all this out to Google Policy, who took another week to respond that the problem actually was there was a small pedo bear logo in the lower left corner. This is total bullsh*t. They specifically accused me of having committed a felony. The presence of that logo would not have triggered a felony charge. They screwed up and were scrambling to cover their butts.
 
What's insane about this is Google ostensibly makes all of their money from advertising, yet for some reason has customer service worse than any cable company ever dared deploy.
 
Google's Policy team lets an algorithm shut ads off on media companies without warning and without human review - because no actual human being would have ever approved this decision.
 
It is literally impossible to contact Google Policy without going through an intermediary. And even intermediaries have immense difficulty contacting Google Policy. First contact with Google Policy took two full weeks.
 
During this five week period where our ads were shut off, every single interaction with Google Policy took between one to five days. One example: Google Policy told us they shut our ads off due to an image. Without telling us where it was. When I immediately responded and asked them where it was, the response took three more days.
 
In talking with other media companies, I've discovered that my experience is unfortunately not an uncommon one. Many other sites I've talked to have had this same thing happen to them - some have even gone under as a result. They're afraid of being blacklisted by Google so they don't talk about it publicly.
 
I'm not afraid. I'm pretty sure Google corporate has no idea Google Policy operates with such a high level of incompetence. They need to know.
 
This happened once before back in 2013 - Google shut our ads off, again with no warning, over an image they said had "too much sideboob." When I asked them how much sideboob was too much sideboob, they said they couldn't tell me. In 2013 I raised hell and actually got reimbursed for the lost revenue, something I've been told by many others is close to unbelievable because Google has never reimbursed anyone else I've talked to.
 
This time, no reimbursement is coming.
 
And 2016 wasn't the greatest year for Fark financially - we were already off-kilter before this. We waited until the end of December, hoping that Q4 ad revenue might be enough to fix things. It wasn't.
 
What we need from you: Due to the way Fark was built, we are invisible to both SEO and Social Media traffic. The only way anyone finds out about Fark is word of mouth.
 
To our regular readers - if you wouldn't mind, please tell your friends on social media that you read Fark. Also, it would be great if you could sign up for either of these options as well:
 
TotalFark: $5/month, Fark's special content section. Even if you never use the special content, if you could sign up for this it would help tons
 
BareFark: $2.50/month for no ads. We'd prefer everyone sign up for this rather than Fark serving any ads at all
Or both if you're so inclined
 
You can also buy subscriptions for other Fark accounts if you like. And if you've managed to run out of people to sign up for TotalFark or BareFark, we've made it so you can subscribe me - Drew - and username Fark as many times as you want. If you do, I'll personally buy you a beer next time we meet in person.
 
To our media audience - many of you are morning radio shows, late night talk show writers, journalists, and thought leaders. You use Fark as a resource for your work and we love you for that. Now more than ever we need you to send some love back to us. If there's any way you could work a Fark mention into your content, even once in a blue moon, it would help us immensely. We don't mind that you use Fark content - take whatever you like but please drop us an occasional hat tip. And if you could sign up for one or both subscriptions that would help us as well. And if there's ever anything I can help you with, please let me know. I would love to collaborate on something.
 
If we could get about 10,000 new subscribers, we'd be able to get back on track. I'll post updates next week as to how things are going. As an added bonus, if we hit that threshold I promise to schedule a night where I delete the politics tab exactly the same way I did the last time it happened. If you weren't around for that, it involved a lot of capslock and was enjoyed by many.
 
----------
 
So that's the main thing - however allow me to ramble on a bit.
 
This February, Fark will have been around for 18 years. We've been around a long time and survived two tech crashes, the great recession, any number of disastrous changes to the ad market, etc. You name it, we've been through it.
 
Over the years, an amazing community has sprung up spanning two generations now. I've lost count of the thousands of marriages and thousands of kids that happened as a result of two people meeting on a message board I started just so I could learn how to code in Perl and SQL. I am friends with hundreds of you on other social media platforms. Even folks who don't frequent Fark as often as they once did still have friends from their Fark heydays.
 
Our lives change with time, and so has the Fark community. People wander away. Some come back. Some don't. New folks wander in. Over the past few years, Fark's community has declined slightly month over month as the amount of spare time people have became consumed by other activities. Most of Fark's initial audience was made up of people who were trying to kill time at work. When we ask people why they left the audience, the number one reason given was they got a promotion at work.
 
Adblock adoption hasn't been the greatest thing for Fark's bottom line either, but don't worry, I totally understand why people use it. The ad industry seems fixated on video ad units, usually loud autoplay ads, and the CPU load these ad units create can crash browsers on older computers - incidentally we don't allow this type of ad, although it's becoming a larger and larger percentage of overall ad spending in general. People don't use adblock because they hate ads, they use adblock because they hate what online advertising has become. I personally believe this is a temporary situation, like popup ads in the early 2000s. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like the ad industry is any closer to realizing that antagonizing potential customers is an entirely counterproductive way of marketing. As a business owner, I also can't assume they'll magically figure this out in the next 3-6 months. My main point here is I don't blame Adblock, I blame the ad industry for sucking.
 
Combine these two trends and you get a shrinking revenue picture. Fark has never made a ton of money, but it provides a living for me and a small staff. And I love doing it.
 
It's hard to predict how ad spend revenue cycles will play out over time. For example, we went nearly 18 months during 2008 and 2009 with practically zero revenue, but fully recovered as ad buying picked up again. You never know when things will pick up again. As a business owner, however, I can't just assume things will magically get better.
 
As 2016 progressed, the financial situation started to get tighter and tighter. I began to consider the possibility that we might have to make a return to Fark's original revenue model. In 2002 we launched TotalFark, a special section of Fark you could access for $5/month. This predated online ads by about three years. TotalFark revenue was powered the website for almost a decade, until ad revenue actually managed to pass it up.
 
Initially, we thought the product was access to every article submitted to Fark, instead of just the ones we chose to put on the public part of the site. This is still a feature you get when you sign up for TotalFark, but it's not the reason people signed up for it. The community is what really shines.
 
The folks on TotalFark are amazing, smart, funny, and awesome. Over the years, they've helped each other in times of calamity. They've raised money to help with each other's medical bills, rescued people from abusive relationships, and opened their homes to each other during natural disasters. I've been to dozens of your weddings, funerals, baptisms, bar mitzvahs, you name it. They've also done hilarious things like mistaking streetlights for UFOs, having medical issues related to slatted wooden chairs, and spent thousands of hours contemplating how to find out the bacterial consequences of cats sitting on kitchen counters using lipstick. The real value of TotalFark has always been the people themselves - a small vibrant community of the smartest, funniest people I've ever met.
 
We've done a poor job promoting TotalFark. Most Fark readers probably don't even know it exists. We haven't tried to push new subscribers in almost a decade, and the revenue from TotalFark is now much lower than it ever has been. This wasn't much of an issue as long as ad revenue was strong.
 
2016 was a rough year. Then October happened and Google shut our ads off. We waited until the end of the Q4 ad revenue to see if we might get enough of a bump to recover. We didn't. October knocked us off kilter.
 
Folks have asked what they can do to help. Please tell your friends you read Fark. If you could sign up for TotalFark or BareFark that would be amazing. It does actually make a huge difference to us. If you're a member of the media, please let people know once in awhile that you use us as a resource. We're glad that you do, and we're hoping all of this will help us help you for another couple decades if not longer.
 
I'm working on a few other solutions as well, one of which is a tangent project I'll be announcing sometime in February. I'm also open to any other solutions if anyone has them, please email me with any thoughts: Drew at some website .com.
 
Thanks for listening. I appreciate it.
 
PS (some inside baseball stuff):
 
There are a couple of issues I'd like to address ahead of time, specifically the questions that have come up about the timing and intent of this subscriber push.
 
I don't want to go into detail about behind the scenes financials. I know folks are curious but I don't discuss them as a rule. We're in a revenue short situation and we need to fix it. If anyone needs specifics to approve of my personal financial lifestyle choices, I fly coach, I eat mostly at food trucks, and my friends hate buying Christmas presents for me because there's literally nothing I want to own. Again - I'm trying to push forward a few other solutions, but I can't assume any of them will work at the end of the day. I'm optimistic though, because that's how I work best.
 
To the alpha skeptics who have wondered if this wasn't some huge scam to reap a windfall and then disappear to the Cayman Islands: I can assure you that I didn't just wake up one morning after running a fiscally conservative business for two decades in order to rake five figures in income and run off to Mexico. I figure I've got at least three decades of a career in something ahead of me, and the last thing I would do would be to torch 20 years of hard-earned goodwill at this point in my life.
 
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Drew - 1795
TFD - 1646
Welcome to Fark - 46
Bacon - 351
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
Petit_Merdeux explained how a guy whose drink was switched got the last laugh
b0rg9 showed a troublemaker's biking jacket
Mad_Radhu gave a helpful tip for sorting laundry
nekom explained why some landlords won't rent to plumbers
mattj1984 admitted to being very sneaky
Louisiana_Sitar_Club identified with the wise words of Abe Simpson
Dimensio experienced the Daily Fail effect
Smoking GNU gave safety advice for the hairy palm types
doyner complained about Mariah Carey's sharp knees
Curate's Keg figured out why a couple had to spend so much on vet bills for their dog
 
Smartest:
Shadow Blasko would rather not have tax money spent on religious items
WickerNipple guessed at why Mark Zuckerberg is now open to religion
Weaver95 discussed words added to U.S. money and the Pledge of Allegiance
Marcus Aurelius summed up some football players' habit of poking other players' buttholes
unyon explained that sometimes one size doesn't fit all
Sin_City_Superhero busted a stereotype
doglover shared a helpful Venn diagram about TV shows
serpent_sky pointed out that "young and stupid" isn't a valid excuse for some things
GRCooper discussed praying to "Lord of the Rings" characters
dittybopper disputed someone's authority to act as the fashion police
 
CSB Sunday Morning: New Year's Day
Smartest:  jaylectricity shared a story about going to a Patriot's game with Bruce
Funniest:  Lsherm had an exciting New Year's Day flight
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
WickerNipple showed Trump reacting to the post above him
fusillade762 shared a plea to respect the president-elect
drumhellar implied that people should leave Trump alone
mjjt shared a tutorial on how to draw a pig
Demetrius posted alarmingly similar photos
 
Politics Smartest:
stan unusual doubted Paul Ryan's opposition to a House vote
bobbiepaws discussed some difficulties with the American health care system
markie_farkie compared the Affordable Care Act to the original Republican proposal
make me some tea shared a tweet from Elizabeth Warren
Silverstaff explained why Hillary Clinton's supporters keep responding with "But her emails!"
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba found that Carrie Fisher always lit up the stage
ADHD Librarian put the spotlight on Darth Vader's dramatic side
Don_cos added a walking carpet to the scene
Surly U. Jest used the opportunity to do a rain dance
Wrongo gave this dog some swimming companions
Surly U. Jest made a time traveling ghost
Stantz found young Carrie Fisher waiting for her mom in the wings
Pure Weapons-Grade Bolonium showed us why they call it a layover
Wrongo showed a woman and a little girl on a stage
Surly U. Jest made this rainbow 100 times more magical
 
Farktography:
Morchella won Farktography Contest No. 609: "Potent Potables 4" with a photo through a beer lens
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in, where women dressed up as bats get all of my press? This town needs an enema
 
Police in New Jersey seek overweight, excessively hairy, naked man. That narrows it down
 
A toddler has shot someone in the U.S. every week for the past two years. Can we lock that damn kid up already?
 
Janet Jackson gives birth to child at 50. That's a long gestation
 
Huge explosion reported outside court in Turkey. At least 10 injured, cars on fire, feathers everywhere
 
Brandon Marshall says the New York Jets season was like sitting on a wet diaper. Which is not a fair comparison, because even inside a diaper something actually runs
 
Leicester City weren't sure if Nigerian midfielder would sign with them, but Ndidi did
 
Scientists successfully engineer human stomach tissue in lab, but say they need time to digest their findings
 
Sarah Jessica Parker gets trapped in an elevator, but not furlong
 
Russia begins pulling out of Syria, still balls deep in Donald
 
With no other products to export, Zimbabwe starts shipping its elephants to China. Presumably in trunks 
 
 
Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
A special shout-out to quizmaster ivan for his work in putting together this week's quiz, which had a few real stumpers in there. Still, mattj1984 managed to pull out a respectable 937 for the top spot, followed by Vaginosilicosis with 910 andUnrepentantApostate with 904.Kidsmakeyoucrazy snagged 4th with 902, with Garza and the Supermutants and Twilight Farkle tying for 5th with 897.
 
This week's hardest question by far was the one about the U.K. being second only to the U.S. in something. Only 9% of quizzees knew the correct answer from an article this week was "Military might." For the 81% who put "Obesity," according to the CIA World Factbook, the U.S. is currently ranked 12th in the world for obesity and the U.K. is 27th. (The previous year listed the U.S. at 18th and U.K. at 43rd). See? We're not that fat.
 
This week's easiest question was about Scarface the pit bull. 82% of quizzees knew he really, really, really didn't want to get into that sweater.
 
You can take last week's quiz right here. Look for a new quiz every week on Fridays, and look for the answers all week in the weird news from all over we feature every day.

So, it's a new year, but you already knew that. What you might not have known is that I discovered something alarming about Drew last week. What do you think - vampire, zombie, or clone? Or something even more sinister? I'm thinking someone cloned Alexander III... but to what end?
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Debbie Reynolds - 118
Ball drop - 38
Dick Clark - 24
Mariah Carey - 121
Bacon - 322
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
toraque shared a story about being the victim of discrimination
CipollinaFan reacted to news of Carrie Fisher's death
Parallax was hopeful for the new year
JerseyTim was sad about losing George Michael
bluorangefyre let us know how some deaths affect Keith Richards
Incorrigible Astronaut made fun of an actor's appearance
markie_farkie commented on regional difference in TV viewing
Mr. Coffee Nerves made note of a fatal error
Torgo_of_Manos showed a sad George Michael
ChipNASA thought a certain racist woman should look in the mirror
 
Smartest:
Coco LaFemme reacted to the death of Debbie Reynolds
markie_farkie posted a photo of Carrie Fisher in the costume she hated
HeadbangerSmurf was angry at a number
thekingcobra showed how most of us felt about Carrie Fisher's death
Dictatorial_Flair eulogized a gun legislation opponent
timujin listed some basic firearm safety rules that someone ignored
Parallax was hopeful for the new year
crow shared an appropriate Star Wars quote
Highroller48 discussed the "terrified masses" in the U.S.
Theaetetus posted a picture of some happy ghosts
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Performing for the holidays
Smartest:  vudukungfu's interests include getting in bar fights and playing the mandolin in hospitals
Funniest:  docpeteyJ told us about acquiring the nickname "Tink"
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
Pocket Ninja had a lesson for the grammar Nazis
shower_in_my_socks showed a disagreement about friendship
Mike_LowELL shared a sad story about relationship troubles
Pocket Ninja exposed the truth about spelling rules
Coelacanth posted a photo of a proud voter
 
Politics Smartest:
MorduTheLarge commented on the timing of the sanctions against Russia
MrBallou analyzed articles telling people how to get along with relatives with different political opinions
Mr. Coffee Nerves had a suggestion for avoiding political arguments at family gatherings
adamgreeney pointed out this one weird trick for knowing you belong to a hate group
naughtyrev thought Trump's Twitter habits are a warning of things to come
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Yammering_Splat_Vector created a horrifying Rose Parade float
wickedfish made a Mustang 60% groovier
Thrakkorzog didn't blow a seal
RedZoneTuba took this car on vacation
cowgirl toffee's autobiography cover is inspiring
cowgirl toffee's illustration of a sports cliché is equally inspiring
Alligator found out what Mitt Romney's been up to
Wrongo's autobiography cover features honest reviews
Yammering_Splat_Vector taught us to stop worrying about this Photoshop contest
Thrakkorzog grabbed second place in the Rose Parade design contest
 
Farktography:
sherpa18 won Farktography Contest No. 608: "Red Light, Green Light" (with the help of the Caturday crew) with a serious cyborg kitty
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats
 
Friday, January 6th: CES Fark Party in Las Vegas
 
If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.
 
 
Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
Seal rampages through Tasmania suburbs, probably still upset with Heidi Klum
 
Carrie Fisher in stable condition, which is a personal first for her 
 
Carrie Fisher has become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
 
"The first black box was found by a remote-controlled underwear vehicle at a depth of 17 metres, one mile from the resort of Sochi." Underwear vehicle? Did it detect skid marks?
 
"Kentucky travelers will not be able to fly with driver's license." Well DUH. Everyone knows you need a pilot's license to fly
 
Police suspect Social Media in mall violence in at least nine states. Subby hopes they will get that guy before he strikes again
 
'Faulty wing flaps' to blame for Russian air crash. Next time you fly in a Russian plane, make sure the pilot knows how to flap its wings
 
Butthurt butthead head coach's butt hurt after Butt hurt, but hurt Butt won't hurt coach's butt
 
Samsung's next generation of Galaxy phones will include "Bixby" AI. It won't explode, but don't make it angry 
 
Scarlett Johansson named Grossest Actor of 2016 by Forbes 
 
"Did you say his panic? That makes no sense Kellyanne." "No, Donald, I said HISPANIC. As in, you need one in the cabinet." "I said that. His panic. I'm not panicking. How can you say his panic at a time like this."
 
"No, Donald, you need...never mind" 
 
Soylent introduces new flavors, which vary from person to person 
 
The rest of them are here: Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-12-25 to Sat 2016-12-31 
 
 
Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
This week in Weird News Trivia, quizmasters Jesus Farking Christ, phlegmmo, and Henry Fnord kept EVERYONE out of the 1000 club. Our top scorer was FrancoFile with 955, followed by M-G with 937 and loveblondieo coming in third with 920. Rounding out the top 5 were cresloyd and bud jones, who each scored a respectable 916 on one of the more difficult quizzes we've had in a while. 
 
If you think you can beat this - highest possible theoretical score is 1100 - go for it right here. Be sure to check back each Friday afternoon for the new edition so you can get a mention in the Newsletter.

If you do the holiday thing, hopefully your holiday was/is/will be great and full of rainbows and puppies and rainbow puppies. Going into the new year, may your glass dragons be shiny and your clamcakes plentiful.
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Carrie Fisher - 166
George Michael - 192
2017 - 473
Bacon - 481
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
Gulper Eel thought of something to help Carrie Fisher
ralphjr shared a relevant "Dysfunctional Family Circus" for holiday shopping
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat expressed surprise at the assassination of a Russian ambassador
Frank N Stein agreed with another Farker in the smartassiest way possible
a particular individual submitted this with a better (but misspelled) headline
DammitIForgotMyLogin showed off some lovely furniture
Jodeo had a new take on the Fark R.I.P. meme
Pocket Ninja took a stand for tradition
Twilight Farkle wasn't feeling optimistic
Farking Clown Shoes predicted a response to Google filtering out hate sites
 
Smartest:
Farking Clown Shoes accepted things up to a certain point
optikeye makes it pretty easy to be on the "good" list
Galileo's Daughter wanted to protect Carrie Fisher
whither_apophis thought the DEA's priorities were wrong
Bathia_Mapes was unhappy about Carrie Fisher's heart attack
Silverstaff explained why police officers should get an investigation and a hearing
Cheez_Wit gave a 14-year-old's reaction to learning about Zsa Zsa Gabor
basemetal thought caffeine wasn't to blame for a DUI charge
AverageAmericanGuy thought people unhappy with Trump's win have focused on the wrong things
AntonChigger broadened another Farker's statement
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Gifts from Strangers
Smartest:  docpeteyJ discovered a hidden gift
Funniest:  armor helix practices a very random act of kindness
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
Sneakernets discovered what it takes to make the heart grow fonder
DittoToo told a joke about Trump's wall
holdmybones explained how Trump will use his experience to run the country
naughtyrev was feeling patriotic about Trump's inauguration
TheFoz drafted Trump's next tweet to China
 
Politics Smartest:
spongeboob asked a question about why Democrats are more likely to block Republicans on social media
FirstNationalBastard blamed Dancing with the Stars for Democrats' losses
Sneakernets discovered what it takes to make the heart grow fonder
Grand_Moff_Joseph thought that some things shouldn't be put on hold
fusillade762 explained opposite reasons for coming to the same conclusion
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba showed us why this kitty had a lantern
Don_cos made a new Tim Burton classic
wickedfish showed someone's Christmas being stolen
wickedfish found out how ceiling cat happens
RedZoneTuba created a tripping hazard
durbnpoisn boldly went where no Farker has gone before
Surly U. Jest made it a lot more fun to go downstairs
Surly U. Jest needs to have a taco 'bout going for the easy votes
#2 was Colin back to an earlier Doctor
Surly U. Jest made the cutest bush you've ever seen
 
Farktography:
Elsinore won Farktography Contest No. 607: "OrnaMENTAL" with a trashy memento of 2016
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats
 
Friday, January 6th: CES Fark Party in Las Vegas
 
If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.
 
 
Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
Jordanian security forces storm castle to free tourists held by armed men. No word if they had fun
 
Australia: where even your Christmas tree ornaments want to kill you
 
Heritage without hate is just 'erig'
 
Help solve the ten second attempted robbery, which is also what your wife calls the last time you had sex
 
Woman wins over $77k on scratch-off lottery ticket after husband dies of cancer. No word on what her third wish was 
 
Black ice causing accidents along I-64. Local police now attempting to shoot the road 
 
Peanut butter jelly crime, peanut butter jelly crime, peanut butter jelly crime 
 
Satellites keep track of Amazon tribes, like the Amazon Prime tribe, which gets all its packages delivered within 2 days with free shipping 
 
New high tech KFC will scan your face and decide what you should eat. Apparently most customers want chicken 
 
Italy's government set to bail out the world's oldest bank, will assume 37 chariot loans, mortgages on 6 bathhouses. 2 vineyards
 
The rest of them are here: Headlines of the Week 12/18 through 12/24 
 
 
Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
This week, our quizmasters ivan and phlegmmo managed to keep all but two out of the 1000 club. Congratulations to rick42, this week's winner with a score of 1029. sugaryvitamin placed second with 1009, and dionysusaur made third with 980. Rounding out the top 5 are robertus with 963 and timmerov with 959.  
 
There's room for better scores--highest theoretical score is 1100--so if you think you can beat them, go get your name on the list--give last Friday's quiz a shot here:  Fark Weird News Quiz - December 23

You guys, I usually try to keep my own beliefs out of the NotNewsletter, but I have to tell you what happened to me yesterday. I'm just livid! So I was at the grocery store in the checkout line, and everything was going fine until after I paid. The cashier handed me my receipt, and then said to me, "Have a nice day."
 
Seriously?! Look, you can do what you want, but I'm an American and I celebrate Morning like our founding fathers did. I'm so tired of everyone kowtowing to every tiny little interest group and saying to have a nice day rather than saying "Good Morning" like we used to do. We can't let them attack Morning like this anymore. We need to stop giving business to any company that gives in to politically correct bullcrap like this.
 
This country is built on people who get up and greet the Morning, so let them keep their Afternoon, Evening, Night -- and now there are people even celebrating Dusk! -- in their own homes and stop trying to spoil Morning for the rest of us!
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
The number of comments these words were mentioned in on Fark and TotalFark in the past week
 
Faithless elector - 99
Alan Thicke - 64
Zsa Zsa Gabor - 78
Bacon - 398
 
 
Comment Voting
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
 
Funniest:
Sin_City_Superhero figured out that some of you are cats
HighlanderRPI has a pretty good user name for posting this image
Weatherkiss is hopeful that Obama will do this one more thing before Trump's inauguration
ArkPanda provided the transcript of Obama's most recent press conference
ROFLSAUCE showed who plans on being the reason for the season
smerfnablin shared some people being jerks on the internet
Sin_City_Superhero was angry about a serious transgression
UberDave illustrated the toll 2016 has taken on us
Badgers prefers sharper knees
fusillade762 showed concern for the real victims
 
Smartest:
Pocket Ninja ranted about the phrase "faith friendly"
markie_farkie commented on Obama's press conference
MetalMen thought that Farkers excuse people making up hate crimes
cretinbob thought that a preacher telling kids that Santa isn't real was missing the irony
Sgt Otter noticed something strange about conspiracy theorists
mattharvest argued that you can have good intentions and still be a monster
Blathering Idjut was glad that a presidential news conference was a presidential news conference
DeArmondVI has extra reason to be angry about Sandy Hook truthers
GooberMcFly wondered about journalists' priorities
Nexzus pointed out that sometimes portrait orientation for video is the right call
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Kid sayings
Smartest: Glockenspiel Hero discovered that children should be in charge of some things
Funniest: Demetrius found a practical use for kidspeak
 
If you would like to suggest a topic for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please email dugitman.
 
Politics Funniest:
Snarfangel hinted that it's not the Lizard People that we have to worry about
Sgt Otter shared a tweet about people's votes coming back to bite them
Petit_Merdeux revealed who's really at fault for a family's health problems
doyner responded to fears that Muslim immigrants are taking American jobs
shanrick found proof of a close relationship between Putin and Trump
 
Politics Smartest:
Weaver95 made a prediction about Trump's presidency
kbronsito showed what a stigginit attitude is like
fusillade762 thought the whole mess smelled like coup
Silverstaff argued in favor of electors getting an intelligence briefing
lilbjorn gave an example of the importance of intelligence briefings
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
verchad went for the easy votes in this motorboat Photoshop
Pure Weapons-Grade Bolonium managed to make this statue a little less horrifying
RedZoneTuba showed a sad devolution
Surly U. Jest put the "pole" in North Pole
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed a very unfair fight
wickedfish made an updated sunblock ad
Surly U. Jest discovered that huffing alone doesn't keep a person warm
zeon proved Lucy is a dick to everyone
Circusdog320 made some art to sell to the Trump Foundation
Yammering_Splat_Vector brought Christmas to one Easter Grinch
 
Farktography:
Queen Mab won Farktography Contest No. 606: "White 2" with a head collection
 
If you would like to suggest a theme for a Farktography contest, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats
 
Friday, January 6th: CES Fark Party in Las Vegas
 
If you'd like to plan a Fark Party in your area, you can use the Fark Party submission form.
 
 
Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
Flying turkeys hitting power lines cause outages in Oregon. As god is my witness, I thought turkeys could fry
 
If you haven't seen McDonald's newest coffee cup design, goatsee it now before they pull it
 
KKK Grand Dragon arrested for alleged knife fight after too much vodka and OJ. Never bring a screwdriver to a knife fight
 
Captive woman turns to UPS guy for deliverance
 
NFL announces London game schedule for 2017, including one minor league game between the Browns and Vikings
 
Scientists "reprogram" cells in mice to reverse aging process. Great, now the eek shall inherit the Earth
 
Bob Barker turns 93, or at least close to it without going over
 
Donald Trump has decided Mittens just won't fit his tiny, tiny hands
 
Millions of Cuisinarts recalled due to oral lacerations. What are you pervs doing with your kitchen appliances, anyway?
 
You can see the rest of them right here.    
 
 
Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
This week our awesome quizmasters phleggmo, Ivan, and Sim Tree, were at it again, with no one breaking 1000, and only 4 people breaking 900. When they say it's the hard version, they mean it. Our top scorer this week was dv-ous with 963, followed by Theaetetus with 921 and QifufuWahuta with 908, with Type random string here's 902 and chrisco123's 899 rounding out the top 5.
 
There's room for better scores--highest theoretical score is 1100--so if you think you can beat them, go get your name on the list--give last Friday's quiz a shot here:  Fark Weird News Quiz - December 16.