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Fark NotNewsletter: A tale of two asses
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-07-17 11:15:32 AM (46 comments) | Permalink

Sometimes I just can't think of a topic for an intro, but I usually manage to pull something out of my ass at the last minute. I'd do that today, but unfortunately all my ideas are in my other ass. You know how that is - you switch asses and you go somewhere and realize all your stuff is still in your other ass. It's so inconvenient.


Comment Mentions

Papa John - 316
NATO - 1188
Queen Elizabeth/the queen - 309
World Cup - 214


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
Funny:
ZAZ remarked on a man and woman who died while having sex in a running car in a garage
BizarreMan let us know how things went when a soccer team was rescued from a cave by Thai Navy Seals
propasaurus defended the founder of Papa John's
bearded clamorer commented on an unflattering mugshot (and the next commenter really missed an opportunity for a great response)
PainInTheASP found a reason to keep a white supremacist locked up
fusillade762 noticed something about the conference call during which "Papa" John Schnatter said a racial slur
Prank Call of Cthulhu was alarmed by how old another Farker is
Mugato figured that Schnatter was probably right about one thing
grokca was in awe of a feat in adult film making
HotWingConspiracy found a problem with the rescue of the Thai youth soccer team

Smart:
hubiestubert shared a story about suspecting someone of being a child molester
optikeye had a good argument against businesses going "cashless"
I_Am_Weasel pointed out that employers sometimes only take actions when they're pushed into it
Hobodeluxe had already been pushed away by Papa John's priorities
snowjack felt that a man whose aunt is suing him is extra lucky
koder reacted to a claim that laws are biased against privileged white males
Catlenfell wanted fines for people calling 911 about harmless people
MattytheMouse had a different reason for not hating the rich
pkjun summed up the "crazy" rules that Disney imposes on Marvel movies
August11 discussed the reasons some men might be advised to avoid working with women

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Ceteris Paribus says had a bad one-night stand
Funny: Beeblebrox had a question about another Farker's sexual adventure
Funny: farkingismybusiness had advice about what to do with shared in-game currency in a divorce
Smart: ahab gave an example of something that stupid people tell themselves
Funny: Flab revealed this one weird trick for getting rid of a conspiracy theorist

Politics Funny:
markie_farkie was hoping for a a special announcement during Rod Rosenstein's press conference
whither_apophis imagined Stormy Daniels getting out of jail
snowshovel was glad that there would finally be justice in the Russia investigation
AkaDad welcomed our new leopard overlords
FarkingIceHole showed us what a stable genius might look like

Politics Smart:
Ringshadow wanted to use up some old produce
Hobodeluxe thought that an accusation against Antifa could apply to another group
phalamir had a suggestion for saving Social Security
blastoh thought that House Republicans were inconsistent
Marcus Aurelius commented on how Trump chooses who to pardon


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Mojongo found a way toupee for Trump's travels
RedZoneTuba came up with a new theme week for "Jeopardy!"
Cork on Fork showed why you shouldn't do dangerous stunts
Yammering_Splat_Vector brought dinner
thatguyoverthere70 updated an old game show
RedZoneTuba gave a weightlifter another reason to strain
Cork on Fork found a way for Trump to express himself as he arrives
Don_cos fed the real Big Bird
Yammering_Splat_Vector painted Air Force One for Trump's most recent trip
FarkingIceHole made a quiz show with only three questions

Farktography:
bobug won Farktography Contest No. 688: "Float Like a Butterfly 2" with a black and blue beauty. Or is it white and gold? Either way, be sure to check out this contest if you like pretty bugs. 

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, July 18: 6th Annual Farks In The Wild Party at the Buffalo, NY Zoo
Thursday, July 19: Hop-Con w00tstout release party in San Diego, CA
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Why I'm never going outside again
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-07-10 11:44:41 AM, edited 2018-07-10 11:59:41 AM (36 comments) | Permalink

Since it's summertime, many Farkers are venturing out of our moms' basements and sometimes even going outside where there are scary things like insects and sunlight and other people. And most people are really weird about insects, even harmless ones. If a pretty one like a butterfly or ladybug lands on us, we think we're magical and living in a Disney movie. But if an ugly one is skulking about, most people want nothing to do with that bullshiat and start noping up a storm. Personally, I refuse to buy into that superficial mindset - the pretty ones don't automatically get a pass anymore. I'm not going to slap a butterfly, but a figeater beetle chased after me the other day, and I wasn't having it. They say that figeater beetles don't chase people, and that they just run into people a lot because they're clumsy and adorable like baby elephants, but this is not true. That stupid thing was after me like I owed it money. It was coming for me like I'd insulted its mother. Some guy saw my "leave me alone" dance, and I'm pretty sure he didn't see the beetle, so he probably figured I was on bath salts or something. Stupid bug.

Anyway, if you missed it last week, Drew told everyone about his nutbutter. Don't worry, it's not as scary as it sounds. It's a w00tstout nutbutter, available for purchase here. A portion of the proceeds will go towards Fark, so if you enjoy nutbutters and you're looking for a way to help us out other than signing up for TotalFark, give it a try. Yeah, it's not cheap, but it's some tasty-ass Farknutbutter.


Comment Mentions

Scott Pruitt - 553
Cave - 1355
Second Civil War - 47
Fireworks - 680


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
Funny:
ralphjr had a member of the NYPD comment on a story
squidloe pointed out an advantage of the kids trapped in a cave
elvisaintdead complimented an allergy sufferer
Lady J knew who wouldn't be helpful in a rescue attempt
Chabash was really picky about what counts as sex
phalamir figured out who was buried in a recently-discovered sarcophagus
sno man decided that a kid's path in life is set by the time kindergarten starts
RodneyToady addressed concerns that radioactive wolves from the Chernobyl exclusion zone are spreading mutations (this comment really deserves more attention)
foo monkey knew exactly how to save that youth soccer team from the cave
Cyrus the Mediocre predicted trouble for the Roe v. Wade movie

Smart:
scottydoesntknow pointed out something about people who always complain about drama
Pin Fiften Clob was reminded of someone when a Starbucks employee mocked a customer's stutter
harleyquinnical discussed the U.S. health care system
Marcus Aurelius brought up another problem with health care in the U.S.
Ishkur wanted to correct a Vice writer who didn't understand "The Simpsons"
hubiestubert discussed one of Anthony Bourdain's main contributions to the world
PirateKing gave a brief history of dreadlocks
RodneyToady had issues with a study of the effects of cannabis for pain treatment
sno man decided that a kid's path in life is set by the time kindergarten starts
Walker had a question about use of a taser

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: whatshisname offered to help a submitter with a dad joke
Funny: Drew shared an important message
Funny: EggFool asked a good question about food
Smart: xanadian gave the answer to "What state has the most attractive people?"
Smart: KingKauff met some weirdo at a barbecue

CSB Sunday Morning:  How my family got here
Smart:
gordian's family discovered a relative through DNA testing
Funny: ThomasPaineTrain's ancestors wanted to escape sucky lives

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (you'll want to write out your intro first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman.

Politics Funny:
Ranger Joe hoped Donald Trump would practice gun control
mrshowrules helpfully captioned a right wing protester
derpes_simplex had an idea for construction of Trump's border wall
Mike_LowELL was done with taking everyone's crap
HawgWild made a huge mistake

Politics Smart:
Snapper Carr compared some politicians' homes
Ranger Joe hoped Donald Trump would practice gun control
Maybe you should drive discussed being proud of being an American
hugram summed up the history of America's relationship with Russia
Bob_Laublaw shared a story about feeling privileged


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Yammering_Splat_Vector revealed the secret to U.S. foreign policy
Cork on Fork found out what happens when you get your appliances mixed up
Yammering_Splat_Vector told a tale as old as time
ElectronChaser went with the Halloween costume version of Disney princesses
ionthrust corrupted a Pixar movie
RedZoneTuba ruined an innocent elephant
Yammering_Splat_Vector turned Trump into royalty
Herb Utsmelz experienced a familiar server issue
RedZoneTuba rubbed the wrong lamp
ionthrust broke some Chinese laws

Farktography:
SoCalChris won Farktography Contest No. 687: "Boom 2" with the happiest fireworks on Earth

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, July 18: 6th Annual Farks In The Wild Party at the Buffalo, NY Zoo
Thursday, July 19: Hop-Con w00tstout release party in San Diego, CA


Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)

Thanks as always to our awesome submitters and to our TotalFark voters!  We especially loved Sports and Geek this week!   

We love Headline of the Week because it lets us showcase the headlines that make us Fark: funny, creative, and looking at the article in sideways and unique way.  The headlines that you can share with your other-social-media-using friends and say *this* is Fark.  Here are a few of our favorites, check out the Fark blog for all the Headlines of the Week!

Main

A bear on a diet is surely a riot / a dog on a meal plan will get thin by the fall. / Buy a small bowl for the cat if he ever gets fat / but a hedgehog can never get slender at all

Sports

Praggnanandhaa becomes 2nd youngest chess grandmaster ever, credits help from Dr. Hfuhruhurr and Mr. Mxyzptlk

For the second straight time, Germany is defeated in Russia

Yellow cards matter

Geek

Astronomers dazzled by a brilliant supernova apparently haven't ever checked the resale value of one

Origins of those chocolate coins discovered

Entertainment 

I have a Bo Burnham New Yorker article for that

Politics

Jon Stewart has a message for Trump, though the rest of the Green Lantern Corps remains neutral

Business 

United Airlines installs TVs in all of their food prep facilities specifically to broadcast blaring 24x7 anti-union messages. And really, $11 an hour is pretty good after 30 years at work so they have a great point

Discussion

Is gin actually just flavored vodka? Is vodka really a subset of gin? Is gin really made of Christmas trees? Can vodka actually make me dance better?

Five best adventure movies of the '80s. Otherwise known as four goofy movies and "Aliens"

________________________ 

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: What's even nuttier than Fark's favorite squirrel?
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-07-03 11:31:17 AM (58 comments) | Permalink

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________  

The 4th of July is a great time of year for Fark.  For the week before, we get all the great stories out of Florida warning people not to shoot guns into the air or take fireworks through security at airports.  For the week after, we get all the stories of people blowing themselves up accidentally. Good times.

As some of you already know, this year will be the 6th annual release of Stone Farking Wheaton W00tstout at Hop-Con 6.0 at Stone Liberty Station on July 19th.  Tickets are still available if you're interested in going. I'll be there along with my friends Rebecca Watson and Adam Savage for a round of Quiz-o-Tron, as well as quickly and haphazardly judging a costume contest while inebriated.  

In addition to this, turns out in his spare time, Greg Koch has been trying to disrupt the U.S. nut butter market.  Nutista has announced a special W00tStout NutButter. In their words, here's what they were trying to do:

---

How did we do it:

·         We first drank a lot of 2017 release of w00tstout.
·         Used ingredients to echo the flavor of the beer like bourbon-soaked malt, malted rye, roasted barley.
·         We added our own nutty flair - raw Elliot pecans and dry roasted peanuts, a healthy amount of pecans are used to mimic the flavor profile of the beer.

Why is this noteworthy: This is one of the world's first nutbutters designed to be awesome when paired with the beer, and that authentically uses brewer's ingredients like rye, barley, and bourbon-soaked malt.

---

A sample of this arrived at my house last week, and holy crap is it good.  

If you'd like some, they've released a small prototype batch and it's available for purchase here.  A portion of the proceeds will go towards Fark and paying off my exorbitant beer tabs in other states.  So if you were looking for a way to help us out other than signing up for TotalFark (which you should do), why not pick up some prototype W00tstout nutbutter?  And yes, it's not cheap, but nothing good is.

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________  

Comment Mentions

Canada Day - 78
Anthony Kennedy - 707
Supreme Court - 1221
Harlan Ellison - 101


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
Funny:
bigpeeler admitted to spreading numerous STDs
HighlanderRPI commented on the aftermath of an explosion at a hospital
joemack621 gave us some background on the "girlfriend" from the "distracted boyfriend" meme
you are a puppet knew how far criminals will go to impersonate firefighters
Miss5280 wanted to see a wider variety of sexy swimsuit designs
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat discussed some shooting victims
Pocket Ninja predicted what will happen to teens who mocked a man as he drowned
Tax Boy found the original of that
buzzcut73 figured out what was wrong with a car crashing, flying, and coming to a stop at a gas pump
Jack Sabbath pointed out why 50 Cent shouldn't make fun of Terry Crews

Smart:
Precious Roy's Horse Dividers noted the timing of the Capital Gazette shooting
PaulRB compared different types of murderers
blender61 lamented hermit problems
Torgo_of_Manos discussed one of the saddest episodes of any television show
shower_in_my_socks brought up recent high-profile verbal attacks against journalists
bluorangefyre saw the Capital Gazette shooting as a battle between amendments
Gunboat reacted to an artist's arrest for leaving a sculpture of a giant bent spoon outside a drug company
FormlessOne understood why people are "ghosting" employers
Diogenes wanted to discuss ghost job listings
Farkin_Crazy discussed Trump's initial reaction to the Capital Gazette shooting

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny & Smart:  NoseBrain had advice on how to get your ex to leave you alone
Funny: Louisiana_Sitar_Club knew what to do when an ex gives you an expensive gift
Funny: meg12279's remains won't go to waste
Funny: Exluddite explained why details of the next "Spider-Man" movie will be leaked

Politics Funny:
impaler presented a very confused Snekretary
ThomasPaineTrain came up with a Secret Service code name for Sarah Sanders
hissatsu showed us what Sean Hannity's platform might look like
lilbjorn found a reason to delay finding a replacement for Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy
fusillade762 was shocked by something Attorney General Jeff Sessions did

Politics Smart:
DeaH appreciated seeing some progress in civil rights
freddyV noted that "civility" has been lacking for a while now
whither_apophis pointed out something about "blue-sky" policies
sigdiamond2000 wasn't buying Roseanne Barr's apology
lilbjorn found a reason to delay finding a replacement for Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Alligator made this passenger a little less cute
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed a guy who was desperate to stop the best song ever
RedZoneTuba arrested a furriner
ElectronChaser discovered gravity
stertz found a convenient trampoline
Wrongo updated a classic magazine cover
Cork on Fork made a dirty phone call
RedZoneTuba found someone who can communicate with oversized crustaceans
RedZoneTuba revealed the inspiration behind a well-known song
RedZoneTuba showed that Steve Tyler has had some work done

Farktography:
CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 686: "Midway" with a very fishy photo

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, July 18: 6th Annual Farks In The Wild Party at the Buffalo, NY Zoo
Thursday, July 19: Hop-Con w00tstout release party in San Diego, CA
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Just the tips for an enjoyable summer
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-06-26 11:12:58 AM (34 comments) | Permalink

It's summertime for most of us, which means hiding from the sun so our faces won't melt like Nazis' faces do when gazing upon the Ark of the Covenant. If you do venture out into the daylight for some reason, be sure that the lotion that you rub on your skin lest you get the hose again has a decent SPF level, or at least check that it's really lotion and not mayonnaise again. Be sure to drink plenty of water, especially if you've been drinking enough vodak to caught sayof a pricipal. And whatever you do, watch out for sharks - they can be very snarky and rude.


Comment Mentions

Space Force - 236
Womp womp - 405
Cages - 953
Koko - 73
Summer - 978


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
Funny:
Carter Pewterschmidt defended driving slowly in the left lane
CipollinaFan recommended a "decent Scotch at or under $100" for a submitter
Too Pretty For Prison wanted to be an Internet Tough Guy
redoctober65 knew why someone needed to call the police on a little girl who was selling water
OkieDookie noticed something about celebrity deaths
oldfarthenry tried the "make your dog think you've magically disappeared" trick
edmo shared a photo of a high-profile woman without makeup
Xcott became an autocorrect victim when asking a question about Bruce Campbell turning 60 (the comment right before this one)
HighlanderRPI knew how a kid could've gotten away with recording a conversation with school administrators
Mr. Coffee Nerves criticized a cosplay choice

Smart:
bronyaur1 had a suggestion to change laws about recording conversations
Lochsteppe wanted everyone to be more aware of other people
PirateKing defended staring at a cartoon character's butt
davidphogan shared a story about someone calling police on a kid selling dog treats
jasonvatch knew what you should do if a nuclear missile is heading your way
nekom chose an "all of the above" approach to impending doom
Pocket Ninja pointed out that some people can't afford to be picky
Gawdzila explained why some people share videos of their bad experiences on social media
OdradekRex looked on the bright side of being infected with cow pox
foo monkey suggested a good scotch for up to $100

Annual Father's Day thread:
Maybe you should drive shared a story about Dad coaching the Little League team

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Smart:  merrillvillain did the manliest thing when it mattered the most
Funny: Fat Old Broad knew all about real estate for amphibians
Funny: merrillvillain noted that experience doesn't always make you better at doing things
Funny: Current Resident found the flaw in a story about finding a notepad from 1969 with bank account information
Smart: FrancoFile compared living in Florida to living in rural New York state

Politics Funny:
mscleo suggested what to do after Donald Trump decided to stop separating children from their parents
Weatherkiss was impressed by something Trump has accomplished
ChimpMitten had a new name for the cages that immigrants are being kept in
blastoh noticed how much Fark's politics tab has changed
revrendjim had some bad news for a Farker in Texas

Politics Smart:
snowblur discussed Melania's statement against separating children from their parents at the border
FormlessOne reacted to Geraldo Rivera asking when Republicans "became the party of child abuse"
Markoff_Cheney wanted the United States to learn from history
naughtyrev responded to George Will's request that people vote against the GOP
FlyingFarmer thought of somoene well qualified to answer a question about Michael Avenatti


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
ionthrust locked her up
RedZoneTuba showed the wrong way to use a cooling tower
ionthrust found a happy fiiish
Cork on Fork showed a good reason to wear a hazmat suit
Circusdog320 approached the rear hatch with caution
Glockenspiel Hero found where the well-dressed gentlemen hang out
Yammering_Splat_Vector put this girl into a dramatic movie
Yammering_Splat_Vector made a train that says, "I think I pan"
Circusdog320 should probably just do the cooking
ionthrust gave Trump a campaign vehicle
Herb Utsmelz made lunch for the president

Farktography:
FuLinHyu won Farktography Contest No. 685: "Modern Day Still Life 2" with a colorful arrangement

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, July 18: 6th Annual Farks In The Wild Party at the Buffalo, NY Zoo
Thursday, July 19: Hop-Con w00tstout release party in San Diego, CA
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Last week's harrowing tale of triumph over adversity
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-06-19 11:30:40 AM, edited 2018-06-19 2:03:10 PM (46 comments) | Permalink

For a couple of days last week, much of the internet came together to worry over a little raccoon that was climbing up a 25-story building in downtown St. Paul, Minnesota. There were concerns that the li'l trash panda might fall, or get too hungry or thirsty, or change direction and end up running out of fuel before it could find safety. Luckily, the masked weirdo made it to the top, where a trap with tasty cat food was waiting, and the raccoon was released somewhere less buildingy. And the internet rejoiced.
 
   
Comment Mentions
 
Raccoon - 134
Chris Hardwick - 670
Concentration camp - 519
Internment camp - 120
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
Funny:
OdradekRex came up with a slogan for Not See Kola
doglover compared millennials to cops
Theaetetus explained the problems with libel suites
farkingismybusiness figured out why an orgy fell short of breaking the world record
Farkspeare knew how a clarinet player could have avoided falling for a fake rejection letter for a scholarship program
Mad_Radhu commented on Chris Hardwick's wife standing by him
Mr.Poops gave a convicted sex offender a makeover
Pocket Ninja listed valid reasons why a landlord needs a bank statement with an applicant's recent transactions
steklo revealed the true identity of a fathers' rights activist who pulled out his balls on TV
Miss5280 had something to say about Kate Upton's breasteses
 
Smart:
FormlessOne argued that parents were negligent when their kid broke a sculpture
pueblonative could see why a high school doesn't name a valedictorian anymore
Benevolent Misanthrope argued in favor of naming a valedictorian
Travis_Bickle described the problem with "nerds" nowadays
itsdan had a suspicion about why some businesses are having a hard time finding employees
A Terrible Human discussed the damage that psychological abuse does to victims
Pope Larry II thought that George Lucas made plenty of bad decisions with "Star Wars"
BKITU shared some background information about the "man with the world's largest penis"
Bith Set Me Up had a theory about all the articles about millennials
OtherLittleGuy had a solution for a decrease in DUI fines due to people drinking at home instead of going out
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny:  Tziva demonstrated some poorly-thought-out laptop camera placement
Funny:  birdmanesq was experiencing marital problems
Funny:  NoseBrain was confused by an eyewear compliment
Smart:  MBK appreciated the positive impact Anthony Bourdain had
 
CSB Sunday Morning:  Yard sale stories
Smart:
  Ooba Tooba bonded with elderly neighbors after a yard sale
Funny:  Snarcoleptic_Hoosier saved an old CPU at a yard sale
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (you'll want to write out your intro first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
Schmerd1948 told us why Paul Manafort had to go to jail
impaler showed us a low-speed chase
wood0366 took the words right out of another Farker's mouth
Warthog discussed reacting appropriately to Larry Kudlow's heart attack
STDMan69 reacted to another Farker's drink of choice
 
Politics Smart:
markie_farkie wanted to see people stand up in Donald Trump's presence
HedlessChickn had a message for Republicans
Farking Clown Shoes argued that Trump's deal with Kim Jong Un doesn't deserve praise
red230 made some predictions after Manafort's bail was revoked
JustToLetYouKnowFriend let us know that the G7 produced another meaningful photo
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Cork on Fork spied a pair of hungry eyes
markie_farkie found out what happens when a dog lives too close to a nuclear testing site
RedZoneTuba showed the team's best CATcher
Alligator fed the most valuable player
ionthrust put on the best halftime show ever
Circusdog320 sent help to a remote emergency
Alligator updated a classic RCA ad
Wrongo showed us the kayaking nun
Yammering_Splat_Vector found a new place for this trio of sitters
RedZoneTuba became TwilightZoneTuba
 
Caption:
Halfabee64 captioned a scene from the G7 meeting
 
Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 684: "Can I Get a Show of Hands 2" ended in a six-way tie between:
No Catchy Nickname
spidermann
Elsinore
CiliarySpasm
CiliarySpasm (again) and
Petit_Merdeux
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Saturday, June 23: Chicago Fark Party
Wednesday, July 18: 6th Annual Farks In The Wild Party at the Buffalo, NY Zoo
Thursday, July 19: Hop-Con w00tstout release party in San Diego, CA
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Farking Wheaton w00tstout release party coming up, y'all
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-06-13 10:47:54 AM, edited 2018-06-13 11:11:05 AM (34 comments) | Permalink

________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________  
 
Fark Party at Stone Liberty Station July 19th - Hop-Con 6.0
 
Hey everyone, it's almost w00tstout time again.  Stone Brewing is releasing our collaboration beer again on July 19th at Stone Liberty Station at a mini festival they call Hop-Con. Greg, Wil, and I will be there along with some other famous Farkers to be announced later. If you can make it, tickets need to be purchased in advance and they will sell out so get them ASAP!  Hope to see you there!
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________  
 
 
Comment Mentions
 
Eagles - 484
Bakery - 66
Kate Spade - 160
Anthony Bourdain - 452
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
Funny:
Warthog was extremely offended by a video posted on Fark
bearded clamorer shared a cat's thoughts on the effects of the Kilauea volcano eruption
A story about a drunk driver killing a white supremacist reminded SoupGuru of something
Smoking GNU showed us how organic matter ended up on Mars
bloobeary figured out why a televangelist won't get a new jet by believing it into existence
TheAlgebraist explained why people stopped while fleeing a volcano eruption in Guatemala
ox45tallboy reacted to Anthony Bourdain's death
Prank Call of Cthulhu had a suggestion for anyone driving away from a volcano eruption
calbert showed that even for cats, hindsight is 20/20
Eddie Adams from Torrance paraphrased a woman who tried to rob a bank by promising sexual favors
 
Smart:
downstairs hoped that Farkers wouldn't be judgmental about how Anthony Bourdain died
NeoCortex42 pointed out some problems with civil forfeiture
Trocadero looked at why Rage Against the Machine's old songs are still relevant
LoneWolf343 explained cats
Great P-rn Dragon described what it's like to grow up in a family that belies televangelists like Jesse Duplantis
edmo had concerns about a South African teacher who had been imprisoned in Chinia
ox45tallboy defended "The Last Temptation of Christ"
kimwim explained why a person with an enviable life can suffer from depression
SecretAgentWoman gave instructions for eating Kit Kat bars
Mr. Coffee Nerves described a homophobic gym owner
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Smart:  italie wasn't about to let some carnies get away with their tricks
Funny:  generalDisdain waited for the submitter to return from boning
Smart:  IvyLady had some suggestions for de-stigmatizing mental illness
Smart:  Fat Old Broad explained how drinking two glasses of wine a night can mean you have a problem
 
CSB Sunday Morning:  Road trips and roadside attractions
Smart:
  SonOfSpam recreated a road trip 56 years later (this is really cool, so check it out)
Funny:  GooberMcFly found some classic works of art at a souvenir shop
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (you'll want to write out your intro first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
markie_farkie discussed work that Melania Trump has had done
Harry Freakstorm thought of a reason for Donald Trump to pardon himself now
Eddie Adams from Torrance was interested in seeing more than French President Emmanuel Macron's thumb mark on Trump's hand
Markoff_Cheney figured that Macron was well prepared for meeting with Trump again
you are a puppet shared Trump's reaction to a Kansas City, MO special election swinging to the Democrats
 
Politics Smart:
Karac imagined what David Hogg could have said to police after his house was swatted
Markoff_Cheney figured that Macron was well prepared for meeting with Trump again
dougermouse was frustrated by the lack of impeachment proceedings
aaronx discussed how Trump thought trade deals would work
AirForceVet looked back on Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Cork on Fork found that spending time on Fark causes you to learn to speak Farkanese
RedZoneTuba made a poster for racist tweeters
Yammering_Splat_Vector got the storm started
Herb Utsmelz wanted to do some high-tech gardening
Don_cos showed us what's going on in Australia
Wrongo discovered the cause of a strange car accident
hammettman picked up a well-dressed hitchhiker
ionthrust demonstrated the wrong way to pick a weed
#2 showed us what happens when you buy the wrong type of cat food
Mojongo brought enough beer for everyone
 
Farktography:
CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 683: "Waterscapes 3" with the prettiest drainage ditch you'll ever see
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Saturday, June 23: Chicago Fark Party
Wednesday, July 18: 6th Annual Farks In The Wild Party at the Buffalo, NY Zoo
Thursday, July 19: Hop-Con w00tstout release party in San Diego, CA
 
 
Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)     
 
Yet another great quiz last week, including a bit of fun with America's favorite hat, Canada. Bear151556 sits alone in the 1000 club house with 1019, followed by Oakenraven who got stopped just short of the door with 997.  That's okay, though, whither_apophis has a party going on in the parking lot with his 975, and foo monkey and Denjiro just showed up with 924 and 903, respectively.
 
The hardest question on last week's Hard Quiz was over who Hemi and Luna were. Only 22% of quiztakers caught the story on the US Police Canine Association's Detector Dog competition. Hemi took top honors in explosives detection, while Luna was deemed best at finding drugs. For the record, although it's extremely rare, twin hippos have been born in captivity on multiple occasions, most recently on Christmas Day 1988 at the Memphis Zoo. Those hippos were named Splish and Splash by actress and Memphis native Cybill Shepherd.
 
The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over what Florida Man was going to get to shoot (legally, this time) in Everglades National Park. 77% of quiztakers knew that some numbskulls let their pet Burmese pythons out into the wild decades ago, and the species has flourished in the swamps at the cost of native ecology. Perhaps some enterprising Floridian should consider setting up a roadside shack selling snake meat and snakeskin boots and belts - I'm sure they'll have all the raw materials they need in no time.
 
The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over mysterious booms being heard in the middle of the night in Bucks and Lehigh counties in Pennsylvania. Only 54% of quiztakers had read about the extensive police investigation which determined that some local yokels had actually found something entertaining to do in rural Pennsylvania by setting off some explosives just for the hell of it. No word on if the group allowed the local sheriff to join in on the fund, although everyone knows he asked.
 
The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over what company had issued a recall on SPAM. Since Nigerian Prince wasn't one of the options, and they never recall their SPAM anyhow, 90% of quiztakers knew that SPAM was made by Hormel. For you lucky 10% who didn't know because you've never had it, you're not missing much. Although, come to think of it, I would like to try some of the various flavors in Japan and South Korea. They have almost as many options for SPAM as they do for KitKats.
 
Congratulations to the winners, and if you missed last week's quiz, you can catch up on it here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: The story behind THAT "server down" pic, plus an update on our TotalFark/BareFark promotion
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-06-05 1:25:06 PM, edited 2018-06-05 2:27:35 PM (97 comments) | Permalink

________________________
 
A message from Mike, Fark's server monkey:  
________________________   
 
On occasion, I get asked what the origin of the Fark "beerspill" photo is. I figured the 10-year anniversary of its taking would be a good time, especially because it's turned up without attribution in a few weird spots lately.
 
I don't remember offhand what prompted us to do this, other than we needed something funny for our error page. I'm sure the "we spilled beer on the server" error message we had since day 1 was an inspiration, but beyond that, I can't remember anymore. "Spilled beer on the server" became "spilled bourbon on the server because, well, unlike Drew, I don't actually like beer.
 
Around June 10, 2007, I took this shot in the data center we were renting a rack in (we've since moved to another, since that data center has since been converted to a hotel). Obviously, that one wasn't that great. So, trying to improve on that pathetic effort, my friend and I decided to stage the passed-out-drunk picture on June 21, 2008: (Oh, and I found the uncropped originals, which have never been made public until now, probably because of the jorts -- 2008, remember: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12)
 
We used an empty Supermicro case we'd just bought to use for a pending database server upgrade. After the photo, we transplanted a board out of an old 4U case into it. Hardware for the database server has been upgraded twice since that, but this 10-year-old system is (sadly) still in use, as a FreeNAS box.
 
We discovered pretty quickly that bourbon doesn't photograph well and is hard to keep from dripping onto motherboards, so the spilled bourbon is really maple syrup. The reason the floor tile doesn't look like a data center is because, well, it isn't -- it's actually the laundry room of the house we were renting at the time -- it was the only uncarpeted room big enough, and bringing maple syrup into a live data center is generally frowned upon. The maple syrup was put in the freezer to make it more viscous (spoiler -- it won't freeze solid). Not all the hard drives in the shot even fit in the case -- see if you can spot the EIDE drive that doesn't fit in a SATA enclosure. What really, really dates the photo, though, is the Palm Treo 650 -- well, that and the goofy shirt, which I still have. And we didn't use the guinea pigs (stars of many previous "h4x0r3d by p1g5" April Fools gags) because they hated the smell of even empty bourbon bottles. Also, my friend had to stand on the washing machine to get far enough away to take the picture.. but she managed to do it without spilling her drink, which is always a bonus.
 
It's time to make a new one of these. We have some ideas. (I have permission to borrow p1g5 for it.) Stay tuned.
________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________ 
 
Happy June, everyone!  Last month we held a TotalFark and BareFark subscription drive with a chance to be chosen at random to be interviewed for the Fark NotNewsletter.  We chose at random from all of our members. Congrats to Sin_City_Superhero - if you'd like us to interview you for the weekly email email me, if not, we can pick someone else at random from the list of new subscribers. Thanks everyone who signed up!
 
Also, let's do some Fark parties in Iowa in July!  My friend Buck Wolf from the Huffington Post has talked me into riding RAGBRAI this year; we've put together a team of seven people.  It's a bike ride across Iowa from July 22 - 29. You ride 50-70 miles a day and stop in a pre-selected town along the way, apparently so you can drink the town out of beer - or so I'm hoping.  I also hear there's pie. Lots of pie. Anyhow, the towns this year are Onawa, Denison, Jefferson, Ames, Newton, Sigourney, Iowa City and Davenport. I've already had conversations with folks in Davenport, but I figure there are Farkers living in the other towns as well.  Plus nearly 10,000 people do the ride itself, so odds are there are some Farkers that will be out on the road with us as well. Let me know if you'd be up for a Fark party or just want to catch a beer on my way through. I haven't seen much of this part of Iowa so let me know what I should look for on the way!
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________  
 
Comment Mentions
 
Puerto Rico - 121
Roseanne - 1764
Ambien - 454
Feckless - 229
Samantha Bee - 333
Spelling Bee - 8
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
Funny:
naughtyrev answered the question, "What would Jesus ride?"
dj495ufj3 had a different headline about Roseanne Barr in mind
laststarfighter had an idea to continue "Roseanne" without Roseanne Barr
Ambivalence pointed out the problem with firing unmarried people for having sex
Wadded Beef discussed plans to see the new "Star Wars" movie
Keyser_Soze_Death explained why Subway's undersized "6-inch" subs are still a bargain
Instead of Roseanne's Katrina, Morning Horsefarts had a different idea
elvisaintdead saw bigger problems for a woman being sued by a gynecologist
RJReves made a new "welcome to Fark" image
Rapmaster2000 reacted to people accusing Roseanne Barr of being racist
 
Smart:
Norad appreciated one thing that Roseanne Barr did
Schroedinger's Glory Hole noticed another thing that Americans can't get enough of
Iowan73 looked at Roseanne Barr's tweet from another angle
bikkurikun asked a question about playing the national anthem
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat had an idea of what Jesus would do if he were here right now
AlwaysRightBoy found a good reason to have a festival dedicated to rhubarb
buzzcut73 saw damning evidence against a litigious gynecologist
Tawdry Hepburn explained why it's a problem that a police officer posted on the internet that he hoped a Parkland shooting survivor would be run over by a car
vegaswench mentioned the worst part about the "Roseanne" reboot being canceled
naughtyrev answered the question, "What would Jesus ride?"
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny:  doglover was very uncomfortable with a discussion topic
Funny:  meg12279 requested tips on proper food storage
Funny:  merrillvillain was planning ahead for a fun, safe time in Chicago
Funny:  flucto was tempted to be a cheap date
Funny:  Badafuco took care of a problem with a carbon monoxide detector
 
CSB Sunday Morning: That time you went to the race... or whatever you do on Memorial Day in your neck of the woods
Smart:
  Recoil Therapy told us how a local scout troop observes Memorial Day
Funny:  basho had a furry family member join a family Memorial Day picnic
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (you'll want to write out your intro first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
AdmirableSnackbar (replying to the previous post) heard you like fan clubs
Gubbo decided to try out an interesting drug combination
Boo_Guy knew what Donald Trump can do if Melania moved out
ValisIV figured out who another Farker really is
fragMasterFlash gave a reason to not be worried about Melania Trump
 
Politics Smart:
kidgenius responded to Trump's complaint that Obama didn't do anything about the Russia meddling in the U.S. election
wademh discussed how Obama tried to address Russian interference
LowbrowDeluxe compared Trump's treatment of different people accused of crimes
NeedlesslyCanadian countered the argument that a sitting president can't be subpoenaed
Unobtanium suggested a solution to insurance companies refusing to cover armed teachers
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Wrongo showed a guy admiring a woman's coat
wickedfish found Yoda's cousin
wickedfish erected a silly statue
James_Corn gave this fighter a custom shield
ionthrust showed us what Interrupting Cow looks like
verchad did a makeover for MST3K's Crow
Yammering_Splat_Vector chose the wrong week to quit racing cars
Herb Utsmelz hopefully didn't guess Roseanne Barr's next TV show
ElectronChaser made a very helpful separation for Fark
Alligator discovered a strange prison
 
Farktography:
kyuzokai won Farktography Contest No. 682: "Living History 2" with a little old tree
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Saturday, June 23: Chicago Fark Party
Wednesday, July 18: 6th Annual Farks In The Wild Party at the Buffalo, NY Zoo
 
Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)     
 
Bit of a tough one last week, as no one made it to the 1000 club. BATMANATEE came in first with 919, followed by geocacherphil with 899 and hochstmm in third with 844.  Cardinal Ximenez made fourth place with 842, and SecondaryControl rounds out the top 5 with 834.
 
The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was about where Wyndham Resorts was considering putting a new Margaritaville resort. Only 24% of quiztakers caught the story about the planned 21-story building across from Centennial Park in Atlanta. Because when I think Jimmy Buffett, I think of acres of traffic backed up around 87 different streets named "Peachtree" and not a body of water in sight. Then again, those things do make me want to drink tequila, so....
 
The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over what additive to cattle feed is showing to reduce methane emissions by causing cows to burp less. 83% of quiztakers caught the story about giving cows a bit of seaweed with their feed in order to limit the burping. Nothing like cows with good table manners.
 
The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the world's largest video game company. Only 51% of quiztakers knew that Chinese investment company tencent is so powerful it often winds up competing against itself because it owns so many stakes in various companies with similar games. And their username doesn't check out; as of now, their stock is hovering just under $54.
 
The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the retirement gift for a Findlay, Ohio intermediate school principal. 92% of quiztakers knew that his students buried him under an avalanche of gift certificates for his favorite burrito joint, which he ate at every Tuesday. I wonder if he had the heart to tell them that after 20 some-odd years, he's a little sick of burritos and recently discovered a nice little Korean BBQ place just off the courthouse square.
 
Congratulations once again to this week's winners. If you missed last week's quiz, you catch up on it here
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)
 
Thanks again to all our submitters and to our TotalFark voters!  Special shout out to the Business tab submitters this week - you've made it our new favorite tab.  Here are a few of our favorite headlines, take a look at the full list of Fark Headlines of the Week. Enjoy!
 
Main:
40,000 gallons of paint spills onto freeway. Although most vehicles stopped, witnesses swear they saw a van go
 
Sports:
Sting and Shaggy to appear before Stanley Cup game 3. No word yet on Scooby
 
Geek:
Lightning bolts colliding, very very frightening me. Video
 
Entertainment:
Tom Arnold has to seek medical help for a shiat eating grin that has lasted more than 4 hours
 
Politics:
The Spanish voters could feel the canned heat in their heels
 
Business:
I'd Like to Teach the World to ... Drink Alcoholic Beverages
 
Discussion:
We asked people to describe the drunkest they've ever been in just 6 words. Surprisingly, the word Farker never appears
     
________________________ 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: It's takesies-backsies time
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-05-30 10:50:22 AM (35 comments) | Permalink

The United States of America just celebrated Memorial Day, which, in addition to being a day of remembrance, is also known as the unofficial start of summer. The official start of summer is June 21st, which means that anything between now and then is unofficial, and therefore doesn't count. That's actually why there are so many June weddings every year - people who get married in those first three weeks are allowed "takesies-backsies" with no penalty. But hurry, you have to take it back before June 21st or you're on the hook for real.
 
XOXO,
DisseminationMonkey
 
________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________   
 
Hey everyone.  Special promotion through the end of May: If you happen to buy TotalFark or BareFark (no ads!), or if your subscription renews, we'll be picking one of you at random to do a profile on for the Fark NotNewsletter (with your permission, of course).  On the off chance you happen to live near anywhere I happen to be - and with my travel schedule that could literally be anywhere in North America - I'll come visit in person and buy you a beer or three.  So if you've been waiting to buy a subscription, or if you've been thinking you should get on that but haven't gotten around to it yet, now's a really good time!
 
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________  
 
Comment Mentions
 
Spygate - 64
The NFL - 483
Memorial Day - 520
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
Funny:
Ben Enya shared some inside information about the 30-year-old who was evicted from his parents' house
foo monkey was  worried about what the evicted son might do (warning: "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" spoiler)
mooseyfate knew how a thread about a school shooter would turn out
MattytheMouse suggested action be taken against gun violence
Dimensio objected to a story being classified as "'Murica"
Nadie_AZ had one weird trick for making money
Mugato shared a reminder from Mr. Incredible
slackananda shared a proposal from the man who was evicted by his parents
neritz knew why the USS Gerald R. Ford had technical problems
wejash was not about to mistake friendliness for interest
 
Smart:
wejash explained why some stores set minimums for card payments
JohnnyApocalypse defended Publix's refusal to put "cum" on a cake
holdmybones had a question about merging when a lane is ending
vudukungfu had an idea for how a grocery store should handle things after their cashier shamed a woman for being poor
Snarcoleptic_Hoosier had a good experience with the new EU digital privacy law
Esroc offered some advice to guys who claim they can't get laid
AquaTatanka came up with something George Zimmerman might be good for
Lorelle pointed out that being told to stop harassing someone does not make you a victim of bullying
Helen_Arigby asked a question about incels
The Why Not Guy shared one possibility about the 30-year-old who was evicted by his parents
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny:   KangTheMad figured out why a Farker's wife wanted to call the electrician to fix the sink
Funny:  Brawndo had advice for when your 13-year-old is caught watching x-rated videos at school
Funny:  middleoftheday thought the electrician thing was a tragic misunderstanding
Funny:  RangerTaylor was quite the gentleman
Smart:  Al_Ed tried to sabotage another Farker's marriage
 
CSB Sunday Morning:  Ice cream stories
Smart:
  Maybe you should drive had some ice cream after a stressful day on the job
Funny:  Notabunny used to make ice cream while visiting the grandparents
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (you'll want to write out your intro first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
Pocket Ninja admired Donald Trump's masterful use of legal jargon
Pocket Ninja gave an English lesson for journalists
fluffy_pope knew the real reason Trump was demanding a "Spygate" investigation
mrshowrules shared an obscure Bible verse
mrshowrules shared Giuliani's defense against accusations that Trump participated in child sex trafficking with Jeffrey Epstein
 
Politics Smart:
skepticultist had an argument for why the investigation into Trump isn't political
Sid_6.7 had a suggestion for someone who is boycotting Netflix for making a deal with the Obamas
justGreg reacted to the NFL's new national anthem policy
Spectrum predicted how NFL players will react to the new policy
AdmirableSnackbar gave advice to people who oppose more gun control
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
Circusdog320 showed us that Harry Potter's life took a bad turn
ElectronChaser took us to a concert in the future
ionthrust made a more lively version of Fox Mulder's poster
Yammering_Splat_Vector found a strangely appropriate place to put an elephant's eye
Don_cos armed the battle droid
Herb Utsmelz gave Trump a new look
Wrongo brought us a weekend update
Yammering_Splat_Vector sent in the bees of war
sl4psh0t found Daniel Radcliffe going shopping
ionthrust compared recent presidents
 
Farktography:
oddmind won Farktography Contest No. 681: "Brown 2" with a kickass bird photo
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Saturday, June 23: Chicago Fark Party
Wednesday, July 18: 6th Annual Farks In The Wild Party at the Buffalo, NY Zoo
 
 
Beyond Fark    
 
We're sad to have lost Farker canadian lurker, who was best known as a regular participant in hockey, wrestling, and Caturday threads. He will be greatly missed. You can read canadian lurker's memorial thread here.
 
 
Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)     
 
Yet another great quiz last week, as well as a discussion of the weird meat-like substances some Farkers put between two slices of bread and call it a sammich. And I still don't know WTF "luncheon loaf" is supposed to be. Is it what people eat at one of those meetings at the Ladies' Auxiliary where they have a guest speaker that drew the short straw? 
 
Our sole member of the 1000 club this week was senorbdub, who comes in first with a score of 1035. mrs. badcrumble made second place with 949, followed by Myk-House of El in third with 944. Cndn Bacon made fourth with 937, and i.r.id10t sneaks in at fifth with 934.
 
The hardest question on this week's Hard Quiz was over what kind of critters that hospice patients in Madison, WI got to visit with. Only 8% of quiztakers caught the story that the local police had brought their crowd-control horses by to say hi. I'm pretty sure that the patients would have likely preferred the goats, though.
 
The easiest question on this week's Easy Quiz was over Hasbro's latest trademark. 93% of quiztakers knew that the toy company that has eaten all other toy companies has trademarked the nostalgic scent of that timeless kid's toy, Play-Doh. No word on the smell you get when you put it in your sister's Easy-Bake Oven.
 
The hardest question on this week's Easy Quiz was over which actress swore by the "penis facial" while she was a guest on "Ellen". Only 31% of quiztakers knew that somehow Sandra Bullock had out-weirded Gwyneth Paltrow by getting "micro-injections" of a serum made from the foreskins of newborn Korean babies. I think I liked her better when she was telling John Spartan to enhance his calm.
 
The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over how the owner of a Jacksonville 7-11 was cutting down on loitering outside his store. 96% of quiztakers knew that Florida Man just won't hang around if he has to listen to Opera music. Then again, neither will Tennessee Man, Louisiana Man, Colorado Man, Montana Man, Idaho Man, etc.
 
If you missed last week's quiz, you can take it (and catch up on lunch meat) here.
 
Congratulations to the winners, and we'll see you later today for this week's edition.
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
 
"Catch Me If You Can" conman caught again. I guess they could
 
Gunman still at large following deadly double shooting in Nutbush. Man, that's gotta hurt
 
Plane crashes at Lookout Pass, witnesses say that's what the pilot was yelling as he glided in  
 
Caught smuggling fifteen gallons of smelt, they never got to the "dealt" stage of things
 
Brazilian soccer legend Ronaldinho to wed his fiancees. May score twice in one night for the first time in his life
 
This device lets you text by waving your finger. You can also communicate with other drivers that way
 
Peppa Pig voice over artist Harley Bird is making £1,000 an hour. But she might want to rephrase when she says she makes that for 'snorting and...doing some lines.'
 
Growing sinkhole on White House lawn. Michael Cohen offers $130,000 to shut it up
 
Ikea recalls SLADDA bicycle due to defective CHÅYN that may cause OWCHEE
 
Never confide in scissors. The best you can hope for in return is a cutting remark 
 
You can check out the rest of this week's headlines in the Headline of the Week thread.
    
________________________ 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: They didn't even invite me
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-05-22 11:12:30 AM (23 comments) | Permalink

Last week saw an odd amount of news coverage of a Yanny/Laurel audio recording and the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. If you somehow managed to miss either of these things, I'm sorry to have brought them to your attention at this late date. And you would have gotten away with it, too, it weren't for that meddling Fark NotNewsletter. 
 
XOXO,
DisseminationMonkey
 
________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________   
 
Hey everyone.  Special promotion through the end of May: If you happen to buy TotalFark or BareFark (no ads!), or if your subscription renews, we'll be picking one of you at random to do a profile on for the Fark NotNewsletter (with your permission, of course).  On the off chance you happen to live near anywhere I happen to be - and with my travel schedule that could literally be anywhere in North America - I'll come visit in person and buy you a beer or three.  So if you've been waiting to buy a subscription, or if you've been thinking you should get on that but haven't gotten around to it yet, now's a really good time!
 
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________  
 
Comment Mentions
 
Laurel - 196
Yanny - 113
Royal wedding - 182
Volcano - 352
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
Funny:
Mike_LowELL was relieved to not be present during a bigoted rant
ecmoRandomNumbers figured out why a Muslim hater was at a coffee shop
Unobtanium reacted to a racist lawyer's career being in jeopardy
markie_farkie is either a really good or a really bad person to party with
Madman drummers bummers had a question about a school shooting
Louisiana_Sitar_Club had a question about a surprising experience at a wedding
AverageAmericanGuy got an idea from a plan to harass a racist guy with a mariachi band and a taco truck lunch
MaudlinMutantMollusk taught us something about Jif peanut butter
Charlie Chingas was disappointed with a thread about a fatal DUI crash
BigNumber12 summed up Russia's problems with their Pantsir-S1 missile defense system
 
Smart:
GRCooper had an idea in the Santa Fe, Texas school shooting thread
The English Major stated something that racists hate ... in addition to other races
wademh discussed the origins of coffee
wejash had a theory about the guy who threw a fit because people were speaking Spanish
Gordon Bennett discussed what makes people kill
organizmx reacted to the Santa Fe High School shooting
Madman drummers bummers had a question about a school shooting
Exluddite was willing to make a deal with a town that wanted to only allow Christians to live there
Andulamb compared "snowflakes"
astelmaszek was surprised by some things about a white supremacist who was murdered
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny:  middleoftheday was not Fark admin material
Funny:  Old_Chief_Scott watched coworkers mess around with a telemarketer
Funny:  The Pope of Manwich Village reacted to David Hogg's boycott of Publix
Funny:  Rev.K gave some information about a moth being removed from a Farker's ear three years after it went in there
Smart:  whatshisname gave some fashion advice
 
CSB Sunday Morning:  Celebrating Mother's Day with Dad
Smart:
  The Pope of Manwich Village has a Mother's Day dinner tradition with Dad
Honorable mention:  lovely_filth shared a great mom story that didn't stick with the theme
Funny:There weren't really any funny stories for this topic
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (you'll want to write out your intro first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
Meatsim1 found the real problem with a guy showing up right after a school shooting waving a flag and wearing a gun on his hip
kidgenius was upset about Kim Jong Un toying with Donald Trump
naughtyrev listed another promise Trump made at a service for fallen officers
markie_farkie pointed out what will happen if China pulls out of a deal to lend money for a real estate development in Indonesia with ties to Trump
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat straightened out a misunderstanding about Trump's beef with Amazon
  
Politics Smart:
Eclectic shared an experience that many trans people have to deal with
wejash discussed some of Jimmy Carter's more recent accomplishments
ViolentEastCoastCity appreciated Michael Avenatti's style
Dimensio pointed out that John Bolton is working to flip a statistic
Miss5280 talked about how it can feel to hear people speaking other languages in the U.S.
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba provided a questionable beverage
verchad offered top-notch network security
Mojongo found a candy bar
Yammering_Splat_Vector found a lawyer who needs new clients
#2 made a new instant dinner just for Farkers
Circusdog320 found an ominous warning in a volcano eruption
Don_cos showed a couple of boats wandering into dangerous waters
Alligator started selling discounted real estate
ElectronChaser discovered something unexpected on a volcano
ElectronChaser created a new "Welcome to Fark" image
 
Farktography:
CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 680: "A Portal Through 2" with a shadowy corridor
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Saturday, June 23: Chicago Fark Party
Wednesday, July 18: 6th Annual Farks In The Wild Party at the Buffalo, NY Zoo
 
 
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by Blythe)
 
Thanks to our submitters for another great week, and thanks to our TotalFark voters for picking out some of the best!  Here are a few of our favorites! 
 
MAIN:
 
Chilean bishops tender their resignation to the Pope. Mmmmm....Chilean bishop tenders
 
SPORTS:
 
L.A. Chargers are going to have to turn a crank, have a boot kick a bucket so a ball-bearing can roll down crooked stairs, have a large ball fall from a bathtub onto a seesaw and flip a man into a tank
 
GEEK:
 
Big Ag: The future is full of country goodness and green peaness
 
ENTERTAINMENT:
 
And you may ask yourself, "How is David Byrne already 66?" And you may ask yourself, "My God, can we wish him happy birthday?"
 
POLITICS:
 
Swiss prosecutor to examine the many holes in Novartis' cheesy story about Cohen payment
 
BUSINESS:
 
Wait. Counterfeit plastic? Is that an oxymoron or a tautology?
 
DISCUSSION:
 
The pomp, the circumstance, the ceremony, the uniforms, the military bands. Yes, it's FA Cup Final. Manchester United vs Chelsea for the final silverware of the English season
   
________________________ 
 
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Let's have a party 🎉
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-05-15 12:01:59 PM (77 comments) | Permalink

I want to have a party with a bunch of foods that inexplicably piss people off. Like, hot dogs with ketchup, pizza with pineapple, chili with beans in it, expensive steaks cooked well done, and plenty of pop to drink (cream soda, red pop and Squirt). You'll all be invited, but when you show up, I'll tell you that there's a $50 cover charge. Then you can watch my montage video of photos from my grand canyon trip while we listen to my extensive Kidz Bop CD collection.
 
XOXO,
DisseminationMonkey
 
________________________
 
A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________   
 
Hey everyone.  Special promotion through the end of May: If you happen to buy TotalFark or BareFark (no ads!), or if your subscription renews, we'll be picking one of you at random to do a profile on for the Fark NotNewsletter (with your permission, of course).  On the off chance you happen to live near anywhere I happen to be - and with my travel schedule that could literally be anywhere in North America - I'll come visit in person and buy you a beer or three.  So if you've been waiting to buy a subscription, or if you've been thinking you should get on that but haven't gotten around to it yet, now's a really good time!
 
________________________
 
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________  
 
Comment Mentions
 
Iran - 2206
Michael Avenatti - 1482
Don Blankenship - 264
Be Best - 127
 
 
Comment Votes
 
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
Funny:
Pocket Ninja exposed the dangers of cinnamon toothpicks
mr_larry figured out why a Ford Mustang got eaten by a lava flow
The Goddamn Batman helpfully captioned the mugshot of a man who attacked a food delivery driver
Dead for Tax Reasons was unable to see a photo of a muscular shark wrangler
Magorn pointed something out about Miley Cyrus waking up in a pool of her own vomit
LarryDan43 could imagine what the future holds for a Yale student who called police because another student was napping in the common room
Pocket Ninja explained why people keep running faster and faster but horses stay the same
AverageAmericanGuy saw the real problem with kids "Juuling" at school
LordOfThePings revealed the conversation when a kid who was about to be removed from life support came out of his coma
Dimensio had the solution to news about police mistreating people of color
 
Bonus FarkStaff Pick:    
thatguyoverthere70 wrote a song to answer the question, "What does Fark mean to you?"
 
Smart:
Russ1642 suggested ways to stop drug companies from drastically raising prices
omg bbq reacted to an off-duty cop pulling a gun on a man he accused of stealing candy
blastoh thought Australia's still a good example for gun control advocates
weddingsinger agreed with a professor about a student's attire while presenting her thesis
TommyDeuce had some guesses at where the money from a drug price increase went to
Private_Citizen proposed a change to the approval process for generic drugs
Diogenes noticed that the same behavior gets the cops called on some people, but not others
koder commented on police being held to the same standards as everyone else
weddingsinger pointed out what made Queen so great
ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha compared the frequencies of U.S. and Australian mass shootings
 
TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers   
Funny:  MalloreeH explained why "POV" videos aren't filmed from the woman's perspective
Funny:  Badafuco was familiar with dessert served in a metal shoe
Smart:  BeanFreak weighed in on keeping secrets in a relationship
Smart & Funny:  birdmanesq pointed something out to a submitter who tries to one-up the ex's boyfriend
Funny:  Ceteris Paribus says helped out when someone clearly wasn't paying attention
 
CSB Sunday Morning:  The first time you ate with "the grownups"
Smart & Funny:
  Praise Cheesus took someone's spot at the adult table
 
CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (you'll want to write out your intro first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman.
 
Politics Funny:
impaler showed us what Snekretary is up to these days
SoupGuru was happy to see one of the changes that Donald Trump has made
Eddie Adams from Torrance defended Rudy Giuliani
Leandros A had an interesting description of Giuliani
whatsupchuck explained why John McCain doesn't want Trump at his funeral
 
Politics Smart:
markie_farkie had a plan to stop politicians from being bribed
ox45tallboy took a guess at why Trump broke the Iran deal
Cyberluddite backed up a theory about Trump's motivations
FlashHarry thought Democrats should change the way they communicate
PainInTheASP didn't think that Trump could assert his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination
 
 
Contest Votes
 
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
 
Photoshops:
ionthrust showed us the easiest way to clear a lava flow off of a road
Alligator gave a banjo player a new instrument
ionthrust showed a leader with his flock
Yammering_Splat_Vector turned day into night
Glockenspiel Hero placed a helpful warning sign
Alligator figured out why they call him "Cap'N Crunch"
Don_cos helped this woman show off with her bush
ElectronChaser made "Office Space" take a dark turn
ElectronChaser totally got this painting off
RedZoneTuba found a renewable source of electricity
 
Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 679: "Happy Farktography Anniversary 13" ended in a tie between MorningBreath's pretty pink petals and oddmind's world that got flip-turned upside down
 
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
 
 
Upcoming Fark Parties
 
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 
 
Saturday, June 23: Chicago Fark Party
Wednesday, July 18: 6th Annual Farks In The Wild Party at the Buffalo, NY Zoo
· · ·


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