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Fark NotNewsletter: Get to the farking point already
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-01-15 12:14:42 PM (32 comments) | Permalink

You ever need to know how to do something, so you watch a YouTube video to find out how, but the person in the video keeps talking and talking and you're like, "Get to how to do it already!" because you just want to know how and not have to hear a bunch of rambling before you finally find out how to do the thing so you can go do it already? This intro is a little like that, except you won't have learned a thing when you're done reading it.

XOXO,
DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Smashed Hat did not appreciate a change to a beloved science fiction series
Psychopusher wouldn't accept an excuse for a Proud Boy murdering his brother with a sword
bearded clamorer thought that an alleged arsonist looked familiar
pkjun thought there was a different reason that a deaf man was denied service by a Taco Bell employee
MattytheMouse wanted a famous psychic involved somehow
Ghastly knew why a man attacked his dad with pizza when he found out his dad assisted with his birth
Mike_LowELL wanted someone else's opinion about a mommy blogger
MythDragon discussed things that make it difficult to be a good driver
HighlanderRPI suggested a punishment for teens who got into a fight at McDonald's
Prank Call of Cthulhu thought up a plan for dealing with crises

Smart:
Esroc shared a story about helping a customer make a purchase
TWX had a tip for TV show writers
theropod expressed an opinion about a popular personality test
Catlenfell advised towns to be careful when making deals with corporations
wooden_badger made a comment that was really confusing for a second
I Like Bread had a theory about helicopter parents
doglover's login checked out
HedlessChickn figured that a town didn't learn their lesson (HedlessChickn's next comment got more "smart" votes than this one, but it's a followup and would've been confusing to put out of order)
joaquin closet could see a reason for a psychiatric facility to want to keep a patient in their care

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: meg12279 had some encouragement for someone who drinks too much
Smart: Brawndo explained how to properly dispose of an old toilet
Funny: Smock Pot shared an opinion about the person who gets all the advantages in the office because they're dating the boss
Funny: rcf1105 warned of the dangers of taking your child to an ax throwing establishment
Funny: rickythepenguin discussed the music scene in Prague
Funny: rcf1105 explained why you should sit at a table even when a booth is available

Politics Funny:
Shostie showed some of the vehicles that migrants are driving
snocone found someone to judge weather or not a freshman Rep. could bring beer onto the House floor
Marcus Aurelius defended Steve Scalise against attacks from Alexandria Ocasio Cortez
Markoff_Cheney had a takeaway from Donald Trump's description of migrant vehicles
impaler shared Snekretary's reason why the need for a border wall is a "crisis"

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
nmrsnr showed us some concerned parents

Politics Smart:
BizarreMan explained why the government shutdown isn't Democrats' fault
edmo had a plan to keep the Senate from adjourning when there's urgent work to be done
null argued that Trump winning the election was "the better option"
Carter Pewterschmidt discussed the goals of the people working on Trump's campaign
itsdan wanted to go ahead and veer left


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Don_cos found that the S.S. Minnow looks even worse than before
hail2daking proved that some people are always cool
Yammering_Splat_Vector gave Pee-wee some curves
Yammering_Splat_Vector designed some awesome shoes
Yammering_Splat_Vector made the rain fall
Yammering_Splat_Vector made Jimmy Fallon funny
Circusdog320 found a g-g-g-ghost ship!
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel ack ack ack ack ack ack
Yammering_Splat_Vector brought enough cigarettes for everyone
RedZoneTuba wiped the smile of this kitty's face

Farktography:
BecauseISaidSo won Farktography Contest No. 714: "Pylons and Poles" with rainbows hopping over power lines

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, February 27: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party
TBD - Fort Collins, CO Fark Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

It seems not many Farkers have the opportunity to talk to cows in their neck of the woods. But it is an interesting experience nonetheless and I'd encourage it if you get the chance. On the quiz itself, looks like a lot of folks were paying attention to Florida man's antics this week. budjones came out on top with 1035, and he'll be sharing the big screen in the 1000 club for the playoffs this week with jayfurr, who made second with 1018. SansNeural made third with 964, MontanaTristar made fourth with 957, barely edging out Artpence's 956 to round out the top 5.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over those wacky Brits and their "Blue Peacock" weapon in the Cold War. Only 37% caught the article on the odd weapon. The idea was a nuclear land mine to be buried in Easter Europe, where it could be detonated behind enemy lines if the Soviets advanced westward. The problem was that it got really cold - so cold that they couldn't get the detonator to work. So someone had the grand idea of putting some live chickens inside, as their body heat would keep the detonator warm enough to operate. Add in enough food for eight days or so for the chickens, and you could be sure it stayed warm enough to work. I wonder what would happen to the eggs, though.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about  where you could find the 105-story unfinished Ryugyong Hotel. 83% of quiztakers knew that it towered over the city of Pyongyang, North Korea, a testament to the opulence of the 80's as operated under a quasi-communist dictatorship. It now serves as a giant video screen for propaganda videos about the might of North Korea, and I can't help but wonder if anyone involved in this project sees the irony there.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about ducks, specifically the ridiculously rare pochard, which was thought to be extinct. Only 46% knew the species was reintroduced to its native Madagascar last week, in a remote lake with almost no predators around, where it will hopefully flourish. Maybe the movie shouldn't have focused so much on the penguins - but then again, they were considered extinct in 2005.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which state requires pet stores to sell rescue animals rather than breeder pets. 90% of quiztakers knew it was those hippy granola-eating soy-latte-drinking surfers in California that knew the best pets are always the mixed-breeds. Private sales from breeders are still allowed, but pet stores there will now have only rescue doggies, kitties, and bunnies. 

Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all over again this week. If you missed out on the quiz last week, you can catch up here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: I thought we had a plan
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-01-08 12:05:55 PM (41 comments) | Permalink

I thought we were going to have holidays every Tuesday from now on. We did it two weeks ago, then again last week, and suddenly today everyone's acting like it's a regular day. Businesses are open as usual and most employed people are going to work... but at least it looks like a lot of federal employees are sticking with the plan and taking the day off. I just have to say, I'm pretty disappointed in the rest of you. 

XOXO,
DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
davidphogan bragged about having attained a high level of expertise at something
From Philly to Boston had an idea for catching the man who impregnated a woman who's in a vegetative state
MaudlinMutantMollusk asked a theological question
naughtyrev figured out what happened when Juneau stopped fluoridating their water
markie_farkie told a fish story
LewDux summed up a listicle of trends from 2018 that "need to die"
Creepy Lurker Guy imagined the conversation a man had with his mom when he asked her to make his BDSM party outfit
WelldeadLink described Jackie Chan's sex scene
doyner sang about China landing a rover on the far side of the moon
Thong_of_Zardoz had experience curing hangovers with Pedialyte

Smart:
Madman drummers bummers had an opinion on DNA tests to find out your ancestry
Eclectic discussed topics that Louis C.K. decided to joke about
Marcus Aurelius came up with a new slogan for AncestryDNA
Ambivalence asked a question about people in vegetative states, comas, or on life support
DrowningLessons expressed affection
pkjun made a prediction about Louis C.K's future
Aezetyr discussed some insults that some people like to use
Wendigogo wondered why a prisoner's release wasn't at all dependent on rehabilitation
Snatch Bandergrip spoke as someone who was a Louis C.K. fan
Eclectic discussed Louis C.K.'s latest attempt at comedy

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: Chris Ween considered what it would be like to be the opposite sex
Funny: EatenTheSun was multitasking in the nude
Smart: Eclectic has seen the other side of New Year's Eve
Funny: TomFooolery clarified a laundry concern
Funny: ThomasPaineTrain needed help identifying a strange object

Politics Funny:
optikeye wasn't satisfied by a politician's claims about time spent in Kenya
Nurglitch remembered a much more impressive performance than the one by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
GardenWeasel noticed that similar names don't necessarily mean similar personalities
tmyk reacted to the shocking video of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dancing being shared on Twitter
WickerNipple calmed down and enjoyed the ride

Politics Smart:
Rann Xerox made a ruling on who owns the government shutdown
stan unusual discussed the bill to fund the government that was passed by the House
HighOnCraic replied to President Trump's comparison of the country's security to the supposed fence at the Obamas' house
eurotrader had negative things to say about U.S. drug traders
NateAsbestos clarified which former presidents advised Trump to build a border wall

CSB Sunday Morning:  Resolutions
Smart & Funny:
Madison_Smiled learned a very painful lesson one New Year's Eve

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba appreciated weather that was more "Billy Idol" than "Alanis Morissette"
RedZoneTuba showed that Muhammad Ali likes to be the only one to float like a butterfly
Alligator gave us a real slider
RedZoneTuba found Captain Kirk in serious trouble
zeon illustrated how a long overpass looks to acrophobics
Herb Utsmelz gave Beavis and Butthead a happy ending
Alligator strategically placed a couple of balloons
Yammering_Splat_Vector did a dirty ballet
hail2daking found the Twister world champion
Snubnose made it difficult to check the mail

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 713: "Booze 3" ended in a tie between Enigmamf's photo of the best beer ever and Queen Mab's photo of alcohol abuse

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, February 27: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

We had yet another fun time with the quiz this week, although many people were still finishing up holiday stuff and playing with their new toys Santa Claus brought them. No one made the 1000 club, though, so I'll take advantage and watch the playoffs on the big screen there all by my lonesome. 

catmander came out on top with 972, followed by FormerJanitor in second with 910 and catusr in third with 876. Edgewood Dirk made fourth with 840, and DemonicGerbil finishes out the top five with a respectable 835. Let's see if it's a bit easier this week.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over where the Opal Tower was located. The 38-story tower began suffering significant stresses and cracks in the foundation, walls, and windows soon after it was opened, and officials have evacuated some 3000 people from the surrounding buildings, all of whom had to make other plans for Christmas with no idea if they'll ever be able to return home. Only 21% of quiztakers knew that buildings are among the Things Trying To Kill You in Australia. Perhaps they should have oriented the building right-side up like we do on this side of the world where we walk on our feet instead of our heads.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about the oldest continuously-operating chain restaurant in the United States. 79% of quiztakers knew that after it's founding in 1919, A&W outlasted the others and more than 1100 are now in operation all over the world. (Whataburger and their Texas-sized burgers was founded in 1950, Biscuitville in 1975.) I'm old enough to have eaten at one of the "classic" A&W locations in the 1980's, which consisted of a small shack in the middle of a gravel parking lot, where you parked haphazardly and walked up to the window to place your order. Since then, they've modernized and some even have a Sonic-style setup complete with carhops. Fun fact: A&W root beer was not available in bottles at retail until 1971, so the restaurants were the only place you could get it - and those awesome root beer floats.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about the title of the upcoming Mr. Rogers biopic starring America's favorite Nice Guy, Tom Hanks. Only 35% of quiztakers knew that the producers has selected "It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood" as the title. I'm on the side of the 65% who think they should have consulted your quizmaster, because I, too, thought "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" was a better choice. Growing up, I always wondered why he put on a cardigan when he came home, even in the summer. Was it really that cold where he lived? Did he know Santa Claus?

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over what price was rising to $0.55 on January 27. 91% of quiztakers would be stocking up on Forever stamps if anyone still used the USPS for anything other than sale papers and crap from ebay, since it is the cost of a first-class postage stamp that is rising. I did check, and McDonald's is not in the habit of announcing publicly any price increases, especially of add-ons like cheese, since those prices are set locally by the franchisee. 

Congratulations to the winners, and if you missed last week's quiz, you can check it out here, We'll be doing the same thing again later today, and I'll have a link in thread when it goes up, as well as Fark's Twitter feed (and my own).
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Greetings from the future, plus Fark's Headlines of the Year
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-01-02 1:04:34 PM, edited 2019-01-02 3:28:06 PM (39 comments) | Permalink

We're living in the future now, and I have to tell you, I don't wear nearly as many silver fabrics as I thought I would. I'm disappointed that we don't have more bionic body parts, too. And while I know some robots, they're not the kind that will run your errands for you and then help you take over the world. I also figured that dogs would be able to talk by now, and we'd have at least one species of space alien living here because their ship crashed, and we'd resent them a little because they'd be better at everything than we are, but we'd outnumber them, so we'd kind of be dicks to them. 

XOXO,
DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
luckyeddie was not so lucky with a bucket of maggots
Im_Gumby used pictures to explain some dirty British slang
This About That looked on the bright side when pickup truck drivers harassed Tesla drivers
puffy999 told us about guns made by Tesla
holdmybones thought that a condition needed to make a Tesla accelerate quickly sounds inconvenient (replying to the previous comment in the thread)
phalamir explained that coal rollers are not "closet cases"
incendi liked a solution to dealing with coal rollers
phalamir objected to use of the word "fabulous"
fragMasterFlash figured that harassing Tesla owners would backfire
Algebrat described Sears to someone who hadn't seen one before

Smart:
Ambivalence defended Queen Elizabeth
sithon looked at why some people are bothered by environmentally-friendly cars
scottydoesntknow was appalled by Queen Victoria's behavior
Pocket Ninja discussed a ridiculous law in Utah
Marcus Aurelius didn't mind low-rise jeans being in style
Diogenes wants other people to be rude and aggressive
Im_Gumby used pictures to explain some dirty British slang
Bathia_Mapes shared a photo of a pre-queen showing off her work
forteblast was confused by some identical twins
incendi liked a solution to dealing with coal rollers

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: valanienna shared a foolproof way to say, "Hey, I'm into you"
Smart: eyeq360 made a Grand Theft Auto-style illustration for the TFD Cafe
Funny: Ass_Master_Flash wondered just how big of an in-law problem another Farker had
Funny: CommieTaoist is a self-deprecating voter
Funny: Smock Pot had to report another Farker's comment

Politics Funny:
OptionC replied to one of Donald Trump's Twitter rants
MattytheMouse figured out how Trump is doing the math on the border wall
Benevolent Misanthrope had reason to doubt that Maria Butina slept with very many Republicans
bloobeary thought that Trump's incompetence was being underestimated
RedZoneTuba defended Donald Trump Jr.

Politics Smart:
bloobeary summed up Trump's tweet blaming children's deaths on Democrats
Arachnophobe wanted to correct something CNN said about the partial shutdown of the U.S. government
markie_farkie countered Trump's claim that Democrats won't fund border security
Eddie Adams from Torrance saw evidence that Trump's demands for the border wall aren't necessary
MattytheMouse figured out how Trump is doing the math on the border wall

CSB Sunday Morning:  It came from out of town
Smart:
 Zevon's Evil Twin found a safe place for a woman and her children
Funny:  GRCooper took in a homeless cook

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Yammering_Splat_Vector took it easy for this Photoshop
zeon showed us how not to drive a truck
RedZoneTuba had a visitor at the junkyard
Herb Utsmelz found a friend for Maria
Daddy's Big Pink Man-Squirrel showed us some new Ikea products
RedZoneTuba discovered increased security measures at the border
hail2daking found out what happened to your parents' old sofa
Yammering_Splat_Vector ruined this girl's bracelet
verchad immortalized Joe Biden
Godscrack shared a strange photo of Randy Rhoads

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 712: "Black and White 4" ended in a three-way tie between BecauseISaidSo (twice) with a peek up a branchy tree and a shady road, and beerrun with Antelope Canyon

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, February 27: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

Yet another fun time with the quiz last week, but sadly the 1000 club remained off limits. Good thing, too - last week's crowd left a mess. This week, bobobolinskii comes out on top with 996, followed by bud jones in second with 922 and fifthofzen in third with 910. dionysusaur brings up fourth with 907, and foo monkey finishes out the top 5 right behind with 906.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over which man known for style and good taste thought it would be a great idea to drive a beige 1985 Chrysler Town & Country station wagon, complete with wood-grained panels - the ultimate grocery-getter, as my redneck uncle put it. Only 37% of quiztakers knew that it was old blue-eyes himself - Frank Sinatra actually drove this bad boy around town, seemingly in order to blend in with the crowd. I mean, who's going to believe a founding member of the Rat Pack would be caught dead in that thing? 

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over what Ninja Turtle weapon you could now own in New York. 91% of quiztakers knew that a federal judge had decided that New York's ban on nunchucks was unconstitutional, and people were free to whack themselves in the head with sticks tied with rope instead of just sticks.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz this week was about Christmas traditions in the Czech Republic. Only 16% of quiztakers knew of the Czech tradition of buying a carp the week before Christmas, then naming it and playing with it like a pet while it's swimming around the family bathtub (meaning no one takes a shower). On Christmas Eve night, Baby Jesus (who brings the presents according to their tradition) takes the fish and replaces it with a wonderful dinner of fish fillets. On the plus side, everyone gets to take a shower again, so that's a great reason for the whole family to look forward to Christmas morning.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over what movie a Missouri man convicted of poaching was sentenced to watch at least once a month during the term of his incarceration. 94% of quiztakers knew that it was the Disney classic "Bambi." Personally, I think that it will likely just make him hungry for rabbit, but that's just me. I thought Thumper was annoying.

We had a Special Edition Year In Review quiz this week, and if we learned anything, it's that we really didn't learn anything last year. Our top scorer was Denjiro with 841, followed by A Gentile in Boca with 746 in second and KarmicDisaster with 716 in third. The_Philosopher_King made fourth with 707, and Hassan Ben Sobr clears the top five with 650. 

Congratulations once again to the winners. If you missed the quiz last week, you can catch up here. You can also find the Year in Review Quiz here


Fark Headline of the Year (brought to you by blythe)

Welcome to the winning headlines for Fark's Headline of the Year!

The Headline of the Year winners are the top-voted headlines for each tab, including an extra nod to the Main/Politics and Main/Entertainment cross-posted headlines.  Congratulations to our Fark Headline of the Year winners!   As always, thanks to all our TotalFarkers who voted in the preliminaries, thanks to everyone for voting in the final round, and a huge thank you to all our submitters for another year of fantastic headlines!

These are the 2018 Fark Headlines of the Year, but each tab also has more awards for different categories of headlines - wordplay/puns, smart/clever, sideways take, context, visual, Fark-specific - as well as runners up, so be sure to check those out as well. 


MAIN - SCtF

Founder of IKEA dead at 91. Funeral to be delayed while family assembles CÅSKETT

See the Main Page category winners and runners up here


MAIN / ENTERTAINMENT cross-postDijitalDharma

Cosby Verdict: J. A. I. L. - O


MAIN / POLITICS cross-postnmrsnr

☞///|||||||||||


DISCUSSIONox45tallboy and PaulRB

Puppies are bad for you

and the set-up headline right before it on the page shares the award: 

You know the real trouble with school today is best friends. Yep, forming friendships is very corrosive and damaging to a kid's psyche... OK, you have to be kidding me. Next thing you're gonna tell me is puppies are bad for you

See the Discussion Tab category winners and runners up here


SPORTSRosevilleDan

Indians, Braves and Redskins all lose on Columbus Day. Really, what did you expect?

See the Sports Tab category winners and runners up here


BUSINESS- phlegmmo

Navajo Nation sues Wells Fargo over 'predatory' sales practices. Wells Fargo issues blanket statement

See the Business Tab category winners and runners up here


GEEK- phlegmmo

Traces of opioids have been found in Puget Sound shellfish, leading to claims that doctors are over-prescribing drugs for mussel pains

See the Geek Tab category winners and runners up here


ENTERTAINMENT- Badger

Stevie Wonder sends out first tweet to pay tribute to MLK. Content of Tweet: "Fgij$%^pdf[a asr[ goj34 [sm# SH 3456y awxbhd69852198//-dfhg+=-,5 sp[goa]-9vbm aergb"

See the Entertainment Tab category winners and runners up here


D'AWWW- gopats

Cougar litter discovered in Santa Monica Mountains. Hopefully all the wine bottles can be recycled

See the D'awww Tab category winners and runners up here

FOOD- Dr.Fey

Mustard has its own entire museum... for me to Poupon

See the Food Tab category winners and runners up here


POLITICSsomedude210

👉🏻 _///||||||||||||

See the Politics Tab category winners and runners up here

________________________ 

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Eggnog counts as breakfast
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-12-27 12:17:39 PM (65 comments) | Permalink

I didn't write a long, creative introduction to this post-Christmas, pre-new year Fark NotNewsletter, but then again, neither did any of you. 

XOXO,
DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Maybe you should drive is going to be in trouble with Mom
Hopefully dr_blasto doesn't leave these under the Christmas tree
Dallymo defended a megachurch pastor's extravagant gift to his wife
FlashHarry was surprised by Penny Marshall's death
Boo_Guy provided the requested references about vaping being safer than cigarettes
Maturin explained why a woman's shirt looked so strange (replying to the comment two posts before it)
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That lives by the Bible
Maturin marveled at a transformation
Natalie Portmanteau offended a neighbor
koder knew exactly how a student should have responded to an assistant principal's demand

Bonus FarkStaff Pick:    
guestguy made me chuckle Americanly

Smart:
Psychopusher tried to learn some banker lingo
Man On A Mission thought that many people are unrealistic about their children
Target Builder blamed changing advice for some problems that millennials face
whither_apophis admired prosperity gospel churches
Martian_Astronomer explained why student loan debt is such a problem
Weaver95 uses this one weird trick for getting rid of traffic tickets
Shadow Blasko proposed an alternative to IFLScience
guestguy wondered just what kind of fraud had a bank been dealing with
not enough beer was doubly offended by a vehicle purchase
edmo didn't figure it would be a big deal to change the name of a particular creek

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart & Funny: Drew replied to a submitter who claimed to be bullied by the politics tab
Smart & Funny: flucto made a confession that really turned the thread around
Funny: feckingmorons showed us exactly what it's like to be a librarian
Smart: meg12279 had some information about a Farker's crush

Politics Funny:
KC Dutchman updated the lyrics to the "Green Acres" theme song
vygramul looked on the bright side
Spectrum had advice for Donald Trump's Christmas in the White House
Markoff_Cheney issued a warning for people who encounter Trump's planned border wall
theDesertHamster thought that there might yet be hope for Mike Pence

Politics Smart:
ltnor knew why Trump became upset about Mattis' resignation letter (which reportedly was a correct assumption)
hubiestubert discussed murder charges against Matt Golsteyn
markie_farkie explained why it's upsetting that the Trump Foundation is dissolving
NewportBarGuy talked about reactions to the murder that Matt Golsteyn is charged for
Mr. Coffee Nerves figured it would be a good idea to help a Fox News contributor prove his assertions about climate


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking found out where orange cardinals come from
Alligator gave a facial to this unsatisfied customer
Alligator drew a luxurious bath for this ginger
Alligator sent a canine into space
Circusdog320 gave the tower guy on Yavin 4 something else to look at
Yammering_Splat_Vector found out who's actually in that flying Tesla Roadster
durbnpoisn brought in an expert for some face painting
RedZoneTuba showed someone who always knew how to make an entrance
Stephen_Falken explained the features of a complicated pencil case
Herb Utsmelz captured a celebrity photobomb

Farktography:
beerrun won Farktography Contest No. 711: "Seasons' Greetings 11" with some shiny balls

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, February 27: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

We had another fun time with the quiz this week. We had a couple of 11/11s, but no one made the 1000 club. FormerJanitor takes the top spot with 995, followed by Whatta Wombat with 956 in second, bradley547 and CrazyCurt tied for third with 889, followed closely by Hooferatheart with 887 in fourth. loupat rounds out the top 5 with 879.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was where British PM Teresa May was inadvertently locked up on her way to see Angela Merkel. Only 37% of quiztakers knew that somehow she was unable to get out of the back seat of her car. Maybe she should have had Meghan Markle around to help her out; as she seems to enjoy operating car doors regardless of royal protocol.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about the designation "46P/Wirtanen." 78% of quiztakers were astronomically inclined enough to know this was the designation given to a comet that's on its closest approach to earth, and visible to the naked eye - assuming you're in the tiny fraction of the U.S. that's not covered in clouds at the moment. No word on any weird cults looking to be carried away by this one.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over who won the Major League Soccer championship this year. Only 52% of quiztakers knew that Atlanta United was the newest champion. At least they didn't blow a ridiculous lead in the second half for a change.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the most-streamed song released in the 20th century. 85% knew that thanks to interest in the new movie, Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" was now the most streamed. If you had told me ten years ago that the guy who played Ahkmenrah in "Night at the Museum" would do a credible Freddie Mercury, I wouldn't have believed it. Then again, Dags from "National Lampoon's Senior Trip" is now an action hero, so go figure.

We also ran a special edition Christmas Quiz yesterday. We had five people make the 1000 club with their amazing Christmas knowledge. clouddancer comes out on top with 1058, followed by kevinatilusa with 1046 in second and ThunderChild right behind in third with 1040. Yamaneko2 makes fourth with 1016, and rick42 squeezes behind the velvet rope in fifth with 1003. The top 3 winners of the Christmas Quiz will all receive a free month of TotalFark.

Congratulations to the winners. If you missed last week's quiz, you can catch up here, or take the Christmas Quiz here. We'll be doing it all again this week!
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: FINAL ROUND of voting for Fark's Headline of the Year, plus a review of 2018's weirdness
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-12-19 12:34:24 PM (39 comments) | Permalink

2018 is winding down and it's been a weird year, hasn't it? I mean, even aside from all the political stuff (because I do NOT wanna go there), a lot of crazy shiat has gone down this year. For example, the whole "Tide Pod Challenge" phenomenon happened in 2018. Doesn't it seem like that was much longer ago? But no, it was a 2018 thing. I mean, yeah, it's possible that a couple of kids with a Tide Pod and a YouTube account decided to take a little nibble and post the video, but even if that happened once or twice in 2017, 2018 was really the Tide Pod Challenge's time to shine. 

You know what else happened in 2018? That false missile alert got sent out to everyone in Hawaii and scared the Spam out of all of them. That was insane! And let me tell you, if I'd have been there, I probably would've tried to run across the ocean to the mainland. 

What else did 2018 have for us? There was the return of a bunch of '90s TV shows, for some reason. And we learned what incels are, which... well, thanks for the warning, I guess? Oh, that Thai soccer team got stuck in that cave for a while and then they got rescued, and somehow Elon Musk ended up all butthurt over the fact that one of the actual rescuers didn't appreciate Musk's backseat rescuing. Okay, Elon, that didn't look petty and weird at all. And we also had that Yanny/Laurel thing that people were all hot about for a couple of weeks. So yeah, there's been a lot of strange stuff in 2018, and the year is not quite over yet. 

XOXO,
DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Driver passed judgement on a woman who wants to have the biggest butt in the world
BizarreMan thought a protester chose a strange cause
bearded clamorer knew where French protesters got the idea to paint themselves silver
NateAsbestos felt personally attacked
thehobbes sympathized with another Farker
EvilEgg gave thehobbes something to identify with
Naido figured that the overseas box office earnings for "Aquaman" mean even better news is coming
MaudlinMutantMollusk knew what started a brawl within a group of people dressed as Santa Claus
OldRod knew where the judge who let rapist Brock Turner off easy could get money for legal fees
King Something found a flaw in someone's plan to issue bomb threats demanding Bitcoin payments

Smart:
gilgigamesh knew how to handle religious strife
Dahnkster had a low opinion of the people who comment on al.com
The Dog Ate My Homework discussed the trend of banning people like Gavin McInnes from sites like YouTube
Barfmaker wasn't impressed by the punishment a woman received for getting shovey and bitey with the cops
swaniefrmreddeer doubted that a woman wanted to use a sperm donor because her husband was ugly
wejash argued that gun control is effective
pueblonative offered a counterargument against the claim that raising taxes on alcohol would decrease crime
IgG4 found another way to phrase "post death Medicaid Lien"
fusillade762 compared an accused rapist's plea deal to a less fortunate person's prison sentence
Xcott noticed something illogical in what the entertainment industry expects people to pay for

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: Mirrorz had a solution for a Farker who wanted to buy a deceased jerk neighbor's tools from the jerk neighbor's jerk wife
Funny: merrillvillain explained why marijuana is known as a "gateway drug"
Funny: Chris Ween had one more way to let your spouse down at Christmastime
Funny: IvyLady suggested how to name a dinosaur after a Farker
Funny: Roman Fyseek caught Dad stealing tools

Politics Funny:
Miss5280 didn't want Donald Trump to get away
edmo supported the statement that the Trump administration had nothing to do with funding his inauguration
notmyjab thought of a possibility for why Trump hadn't shown up for work yet
NateAsbestos reacted to news that Trump was present for the hush money discussions with National Enquirer's publisher
yanceylebeef knew what happened to Donald Trump

Politics Smart:
AdmirableSnackbar thought that some people are too trusting
Pocket Ninja had bad news for Trump's personal attorney
bainsguy appreciated a Trumpsplanation
somedude210 discussed basic humanity as a partisan issue
FormlessOne wasn't happy about Michael Cohen's prison sentence

CSB Sunday Morning:  Lessons you learned the hard way
Smart:
 Maybe you should drive won a major award
Funny:  cgremlin learned that you don't go over your CO's head

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Alligator chose a replacement Santa who has the age and disposition to handle the job
Tom G gave these high-tech sneakers to someone who really needs them
Driver replaced Santa with someone who will not stop, ever, until you have a merry Christmas
dirtynails found a side job for Ruth Bader Ginsburg
RedZoneTuba showed Alfred Hitchcock with some of his old stars
sl4psh0t had the best way to transport a gigantic amphibian
Yammering_Splat_Vector found a cruelty-free replacement for Sea World's trained animals
Driver picked a very enthusiastic replacement for Santa Claus
zeon brought in the pigeon parade
zeon gave us Christmas Krampus Kisses

Farktography:
beerrun won Farktography Contest No. 710: "Blur 3" with this hovering softball

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, February 27: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

Oooooh boy we had a hard one this week. I think everyone was exhausted from Christmas shopping and trying to get ahead enough on work to take the holiday break off. Our top scorer this week was Ariesfish with 899, followed by TheMothership in second with 880 and bradley547 in third with 820. EBens made fourth with 818, and johnnieconnie takes fifth with 811. We'll try and make it a little easier next time.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over which Star Trek alumnus inspired actor Ken Berry to get into acting. Interestingly, all three choices served in the military. Deforest Kelley served in the Army Air Force in the First Motion Picture Unit during WWII, working on propaganda and training films. James Doohan was a highly decorated lieutenant who actually took six rounds in the D-Day invasion, losing a finger and almost losing his life, with a bullet to the chest stopped by a silver cigarette case he was carrying. However, he served in the Royal Canadian Artillery rather than the US Army, himself being a Canuck (his service record is extremely impressive). Only 25% of quiztakers knew that it was Leonard Nimoy who, as a sergeant in the US Army Special Services, mentored a young Ken Berry as part of his production of stage shows. I can only imagine what those were like, and for the soldiers who used to see him as an emcee seeing him later as Spock.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over Florida Man's latest escapades in being an ass to kids at Cape Coral's Festival of Lights. 80% of Quiztakers knew that it was Santa Claus he was ranting about as not being real. Well, that's okay, as most kids don't believe in Florida Man, either.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which actor had just joined the cast of the upcoming Jon Favreau-helmed Star Wars series "The Mandalorian." While both Nick Nolte and Bill Hader had smaller parts in "Tropic Thunder," Nick Nolte is the one who has joined on to "The Mandalorian." Besides, I can only imagine Bill Hader in a Star Wars series voicing some CGI character with a floppy head. "gebddf forcepushdababy." (Yes, he's also the voice of Stan's Canadian brother Ike on South Park.) 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the main grievance of the "yellow vest" protesters in Paris. 91% of quiztakers knew that it was a proposed tax on fuel that had people the most upset. President Macron has since relented and suspended the fuel tax for now, possibly because it's difficult to say negative things about citizens with such a commitment to safety in their protests, what with the high-vis yellow vests and all. That's my theory, anyhow. They chose the vests because all drivers in France are required to carry them in case of emergency, so they have lots of them. Perhaps American protesters should consider orange hunting vests, since we seem to have so many.

Congratulations to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week. If you missed the quiz, you can check it out here. Keep an eye on Fark's Twitter feed for a link to the new quiz.


Fark Headline of the Year Voting (brought to you by blythe)

Welcome to the ***Final Round*** of Headline of the Year voting!  For the past few weeks, TotalFarkers have been voting for their favorite headlines from all the weeks of Headline of the Week.  We shared those links on the main page and the tabs so everyone could see and enjoy all the fantastic candidates, but only TotalFarkers got to vote.  It does take some effort - someone pointed out it's like Academy award voting - even just counting TotalFarkers, lots of people are able to vote, but it takes time and effort to really dig in and read all the headlines, and decide which ones you really want to see in the final round.  We really love it though.  A huge Thank You to all our TotalFark voters!

For the final round we open up voting to the whole community! Now it's time for everyone to have your say on the headlines you love!    

We've taken the top-voted headlines from each month and tab, and combined them into a single final voting thread for each tab.  We'll break out a few winners from each tab from the top-voted headlines!

Consider each headline as carefully as you wish.  Some are puns, some are wordplay, some you need to click through to read the story or the Fark comments to figure out what the joke is (and these are often some of the best), sometimes the joke is in the symbols, sometimes its a sideways look at the story or the world.  Vote for any or all  We don't limit your voting, we really want to see what you laughed at and enjoyed.

We want to see which headlines *you* choose for Headlines of the Year!

Headline of the Year Voting - Final Round - MAIN

Headline of the Year Voting - Final Round - BUSINESS

Headline of the Year Voting - Final Round - ENTERTAINMENT

Headline of the Year Voting - Final Round - GEEK

Headline of the Year Voting - Final Round - SPORTS

Headline of the Year Voting - Final Round - DISCUSSION

Headline of the Year Voting - Final Round - POLITICS

Headline of the Year Voting - Final Round - FOOD

Headline of the Year Voting - Final Round - D'AWWW

________________________ 

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Just don't ask Drew to perform your bris
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-12-11 11:18:03 AM (83 comments) | Permalink

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________  

A special congrats should go out to Fark Sysadmin Mike and his new wife Strawbury78, who got married this past Saturday.  They asked me to perform the ceremony, the first one I've done.  In order to make it official, I became an Ordained Minister with the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which seems appropriate.  As I mentioned in a previous newsletter, since it seems there have been over 1,000 Fark marriages over the years, I'm now in a position to actually perform them.  So let me know if you'd like me to do your wedding.  As far as I know, I can't perform other rites, but I'm willing to take a look if you have any suggestions.
________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Hobodeluxe explained why a teacher who's a former Miss Kentucky sent nude photos to a student
Prank Call of Cthulhu reacted to sexual misconduct allegations against Neil deGrasse Tyson
jbc defended Meghan Markle against a nasty rumor
Mr. Coffee Nerves's idea for increasing business for Victoria's Secret went unappreciated
aerojockey took the news of allegations against Neil deGrasse Tyson to its logical conclusion
bearded clamorer explained that a small penis isn't always caused by a mother using non-stick cookware while pregnant
Arachnophobe was appalled by a suggestion about an upcoming Marvel movie
pxlboy was struck by a dilemma when a vacationing Army agent was shot by a police officer
Iamos guessed at what a teacher and former Miss Kentucky did
Smock Pot didn't think the term "grammar Nazi" worked anymore

Smart:
PandaP*rn figured an unmarried pregnant Catholic school teacher should've chosen a different offense
weddingsinger thought that millennials have been given some tough breaks
Gubbo pointed out why it was right for police to release upsetting information about an officer's death
PainInTheASP considered what it takes to be willing to cross rough seas
SurfaceTension listed many of the things that point to the Earth not being flat
SecretAgentWoman explained that some people shouldn't travel alone (though it appears this family's story might not have been true)
wademh translated English to English for us
Nurglitch thought that people demanding proof that their conspiracy theories are wrong aren't being sincere
gameshowhost took a guess as to why not everyone has switched to all-LED light bulbs
scottydoesntknow noted the timing of CNN receiving a bomb threat

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: This entire comment from reagabeast drove me to drink
Funny: Smock Pot provided the entertainment at the grocery store
Smart: VOCSL5 had advice for someone who didn't feel like doing something for Dad
Funny: farkingismybusiness reported a very poorly-worded headline
Smart: CommieTaoist discussed cultural appropriation

Politics Funny:
NeoCortex42 noticed that Donald Trump seemed to have figured something out during a strange coin flip
mrshowrules thought an item that Michael Cohen sold sounded familiar
thismomentinblackhistory figured out why there's so much staff turnover in the Trump administration
Farking Clown Shoes had a bone to pick with Trump
scottydoesntknow listed some of Trump's aliases

Politics Smart:
clodcomplex responded to the idea of Michael Avenatti running for president
markie_farkie reminded us about evidence that Mike Pence lied about when he learned of problems with Michael Flynn
bloobeary was confused by reassurances by the Bush family to President Trump
holdmybones questioned Trump's claim that a border wall would stop illegal drugs in the U.S.
cameroncrazy1984 noticed James Comey's super-sneaky trick for avoiding perjury traps


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Don_cos knew who the last surviving human being will be
RedZoneTuba shared the moment one of the first selfies was taken
zeon showed us someone who's been smoking for a very long time
RedZoneTuba found proof that Technicolor cameras have been around much longer than we thought
X-Geek scavenged old technology to build a robot
Yammering_Splat_Vector made it harder for a mate to eat this praying mantis's head
DorkusThe2nd knew how to get farm equipment out of the mud
Yammering_Splat_Vector discovered that Teal'c hasn't aged well
Circusdog320 revealed the one lasting contribution humans have made to the universe
RedZoneTuba found the spot where we bury the best our planet has to offer

Farktography:
Farktography Contest No. 709: "You Can't Fight City Hall 3" ended in a tie between four entries, with Queen Mab's colorful photo from Beijing's Forbidden City, bobug's view of the archways of Fort Jefferson in Dry Tortugas, Florida, CiliarySpasm's  "blue hour" photo of the Indianapolis Public Library, and CiliarySpasm's image of The Anderson (IN) city building reflected in the windows of the Madison County government center


Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, February 27: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

We had another fun time in the Quiz this week, featuring Florida Man and Florida Woman. Someone should definitely not get these two together. 

bud jones comes out on top with the keys to the 1000 club and the Executive Washroom, but he'll still have to clean it after that incident with the PolTab mods last week. His score of 1008 is number one this week, followed by Pinner with 995 and xxBirdMadGirlxx in third with 923. Bear151556 follows closely with 922, and leafslinger rounds out the top five with 907.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over NASA's traditional good luck charm kept in Mission Control at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. If you watched the feed of the Mars Insight Lander, you might have caught a closeup or two of the jar of peanuts sitting on a desk. The tradition dates back to 1964 and the Ranger 7 mission, when Dick Wallace, the Mission Trajectory Engineer, passed around peanuts to help calm the nerves of the technicians. The previous 6 Ranger missions had failed, so the tension was extremely palpable, and he thought it might help take the edge off and keep people more relaxed and focused. As Wallace later said, "the rest is history." Only 24% of quiztakers caught this from the NASA feed or the article.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over the continuing adventures of Florida Woman. 84% of quiztakers knew that she had pulled out a knife and threatened to "gut" a man while in line at Dollar General after he complained about her farting. I mean, what was he supposed to do? Savor the aroma? Complement her on her diet? Start a betting pool with the other people in line as to her choice of spices and side dishes? 

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over what unusual kind of milk was being produced by Amish and Mennonite farmers, who actually own the majority of these critters in the U.S. Only 40% of quiztakers knew that many Amish and Mennonites use camels as pack animals, especially in drier climates, and a businessman from Saudi Arabia was working with them to produce FDA-approved camel milk for retail sale. Don't expect to see it at Kroger anytime soon, though, as it's still prohibitively expensive - you can check out the Desert Farms website where you can order 6 pints (that's a total of 96 ounces, or 3/4 of a gallon) for a mere $120. But hey, free shipping!

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which live-action Disney remake set records for most views by a movie trailer on the day of release. 83% of quiztakers knew that it was the upcoming remake of "The Lion King" that had people excited. I mean, it's all basically CGI, just better looking CGI, so I'm not sure if it's right to call it "live action." But hey, it's their cash grab. 

If you missed last week's quiz, you can catch up on it here.

Congrats again to the winners, and we'll be doing it all again this week. Keep on eye on Fark's Twitter feed for the link.


Fark Headline of the Year Voting (brought to you by blythe)

Headline of the Year voting continues!

All the headlines for all the months and all the tabs are now posted!  Even if you don't vote, go take a look - there are so many creative and funny headlines to enjoy!

We're extending the voting for a little longer - we'll keep the voting open until noon (Eastern) this Saturday.  We know there are a lot and we want everyone to have a chance to get through all the voting.    

We've compiled all the links to all the Fark Headline of the Year voting for a handy reference.  

This is the preliminary round - we start semifinals on the main site after preliminaries are over - this preliminary round is for TotalFark only!  

We've enjoyed reading them all so much that we wanted everyone to have the chance to see them - everyone gets to see them each week for Headline of the Week and it's great now to see them all compiled - so we're opening up the links so non-TotalFarkers can read but not vote.  Watch for a post today in each tab - all the Geek headlines in Geek, all the D'awww, etc.  That way those of you who hang out in a specific tab can enjoy your headlines first and can go look at the rest!  Of course you can always sign up for TotalFark if you see some headlines you just have to vote on! 

We're having tons of fun reading these headlines all over again.  Thank you to all our wonderful submitters and thank you to our TotalFark voters!  These are your last few days to days to get your votes in!
________________________ 

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Help us choose Fark's Headline of the Year
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-12-05 10:26:49 AM (82 comments) | Permalink

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________  

I've had a couple of folks write in asking if they can send me an Xmas present somehow.  The answer is sure! But I have a lot of stuff already, and I'm not really one of those people who needs stuff.  I'm the hardest person in the world to buy for. But do you know who really needs Xmas love? Fark's sysadmin Mike.  

Mike's been working on Fark since the beginning, and you may or may not know that he's been managing to have our entire tech stack, which incidentally has been run off of a rack of 8088 CPUs held together with toothpicks and crazy glue since all the way back in 1999.  Our 5 GB hard drives are still on tape. Our server rack is guarded by an Arduino rubber chicken*. Twice a week Mike, has to wake up in the middle of the night, drive to our server colo facility in downtown Lexington, KY, and bang on the server cases with a metal pipe in order to wake up the hamsters that run on the wheels that power Fark's database because those lazy rodent bastards think they need sleep or something.  On top of that, he's a functional alcoholic and booze ain't free. Neither are liver transplants, but I'm likely to get there before he does.

You may be asking yourself: what can I do to help Mike?  Good question, citizen. The answer is simple: Buy a TotalFark or BareFark subscription this Xmas season, for yourself or someone else.  Or me - you can buy me unlimited subscriptions. Not only will this revenue help us buy more hamsters for the Fark servers, but some of it will actually trickle down to Mike once I deduct Fark's monthly expenses for hookers and blow, and he will dutifully convert it to booze.  Which he will likely mix with coke, but it's still booze to him dammit.

Buy a TotalFark subscription today.  Do it for Mike. And the hookers.

*this is the only part of this paragraph that is actually true, other than Mike has worked for Fark since 1999 and booze ain't free. He may still yet beat me to a liver transplant

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That indeed had a Bo Burnham GIF for that when Bo Burnham won an award
big pig peaches guessed why a skydiving instructor released his safety harness during a tandem jump
thismomentinblackhistory reacted to a cop's indictment for entering the wrong apartment and killing its resident
bearded clamorer knew why hunters rescued an 8-point buck that was trapped on a frozen lake
cowgirl toffee - who really killed it in this thread, by the way - made Fark into your personal erotica site
Pocket Ninja was offended by a seasonal greeting
Mad Scientist had a hunch about Abcde's mother
maddan knew what to do when a woman's head swelled up when she tried to dye her hair
Badmoodman found a photo of Anna Nicole Smith with her unremarkable anus
jaytkay had evidence of life on Mars

Smart:
Xanadone gave some advice to people who want to give their children silly names
weddingsinger had a sadly-common reaction
Pocket Ninja suggested a plan for recovering the body of the missionary who illegally went to North Sentinel Island
King Something listed some reasons why people with mental illnesses often end up in prison
Natalie Portmanteau shared a theory on why an undercover cop who was beaten by colleagues was there in the first place
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That indeed had a Bo Burnham GIF for that when Bo Burnham won an award
anustart asked a question about Santa
King Something explained why someone can get the death penalty for hate crimes
Brokenseas discussed the cultural impact of "Seinfeld"
Gordon Bennett pointed out the complete absurdity of an issue at a rifle club

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: merrillvillain uses this one weird trick to see if anonymous work surveys really are anonymous
Funny: meg12279 drives around rocking the ultimate party anthem
Smart: BadReligion weighed in on whether or not a 2008 Ford focus should have engine vibration
Funny: reagabeast advised on the hypothetical situation of what to do if your neighbors see you run over and injure a stray cat
Funny: flucto answered the mystery of how they got that horse's head into the guy's bed without waking him up in "The Godfather"

Politics Funny:
Erma Gerdd helpfully translated the look that Vladimir Putin was giving to Donald Trump
CthulhuCalling told us who the heck Randy Credico is
FlyingFarmer figured that Trump's lawyers all have another problem in common
theDesertHamster knew what Trump's American news network would be called
cowgirl toffee had a name for the situation in which tear gas was used on immigrants at the U.S./Mexico border

Politics Smart:
NewportBarGuy appreciated some encouraging news on a difficult day
mrshowrules asked a question about Trump's claim that he inherited the child separation policy
FormlessOne thought that some college students didn't live by their own values
Shadow Blasko suggested that the United States should be punished
Pocket Ninja thought that a woman's defense of Trump's racist statements said a couple of things about her

CSB Sunday Morning:  You weren't supposed to find that
Smart:
a particular individual wrote about finding something dangerous as a child, and includes newspaper clippings about the incident
Funny: croesius shared a heartwarming story about family

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba showed what happens when you let the wrong person design your magazine cover
Don_cos chose a celebrity who recently died to be Time's Person of the Year
Sarah Jessica Farker made this guy into a real floater
cowgirl toffee found out who a well-known flag actually belongs to
Herb Utsmelz chose someone we all know for Person of the Year
RedZoneTuba showed Yoda either helping or farking with some guy
Mojongo went to band camp
Don_cos gave credit to a skunky beer
Thrakkorzog discovered that children's toys are getting dangerously realistic these days
Alligator revealed where this man learned how to float

Farktography:
powerful katrinka won Farktography Contest No. 708: "Sibilant S" with a wintry scene

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, February 27: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

We had a fun time once again with the Weird News Quiz. No one broke into the 1000 club, so luckily we won't have to clean it this week. You people always seem to trash the place. 

Denjiro comes out on top this week with 955, followed by 1974 Dodge Monaco (whom I assume must have the 440 4-barrel option) in second with 929. zerkalo made third with 916, followed closely by runwiz with 915, and bud jones finishes out the top five with 911. 

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over which Gift of the Magi held promise for arthritis treatment, according to researchers at the University of Alabama ( which is definitely where I think of when I think of healthy living research). Only 40% of quiztakers knew that it was the essential oil olibanum, otherwise known as frankincense, that the researchers were focusing on. It's essentially tree sap from the frankincense tree that grows around the Arabian peninsula and North Africa. Of course, with enough gold, I'm sure you could buy plenty of both frankincense and myrrh to cover your bases in case either one worked. I'm still a bit confused as to why, if those Magi guys from the East were so "wise", did they think that a kid wanted smelly oil for Christmas. Then again, since the stuff wasn't prevalent in the East at the time, it sounds more like a last minute gift they found at a quick stop on the way there.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was about David Narkewicz, the mayor of Northampton, MA, and why he was in the news. 88% of quiztakers knew that he was at the head of the line to become the first person to purchase legal recreational marijuana in the state. Although his office says the weed will be preserved for posterity, does anyone really believe that? That stuff does have a shelf life. Besides, who's going to know if you switch it out with some crappy ditch weed for the display?

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over where you can purchase the entire abandoned village of Lugo, Spain, assuming you're looking for that special something for the person who already has everything. Because who doesn't want an abandoned village in the Spanish countryside? Only 28% of quiztakers knew that it was available through Gwyneth Paltrow's "lifestyle" brand Goop. I mean, talk about the old "white elephant" gift. How much would it cost to keep that village from rotting into the ground? How much to pay people to live there? I guess if you shop for gifts at Goop, you probably have poor relationships with "friends" anyhow. I mean, who do you buy a vagina rock for? Your mom? Your crazy cat lady aunt? Your special lady? Is she going to think you're expecting her to use this in the bedroom? And how would that work,anyhow? Actually, don't answer that. Just... don't do your holiday shopping at Goop.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over what sport you can be officially too drunk to play in Canada. 89% of quiztakers had heard about the Red Deer Classic in Alberta Canada, and how an entire curling team - including an Olymic gold medalist - were tossed and forced to forfeit their matches because they were being very impolite and un-Canadian in their match due to being completely plastered. In their defense, how drunk was the guy who came up with the idea of sliding rocks at a target and sweeping ice? 

Congratulations again to the winners. If you missed the quiz last week, you can catch up on it here. We'll be doing it all again this week, so watch the @fark Twitter feed (or mine) for the announcement.


Fark Headline of the Year Voting (brought to you by blythe)

Fark's Headline of the Year voting is underway!  For the preliminary round, we've combined the Headline of the Week winners by month and by tab, and we've been posting new voting links daily.  We started posting December 2017 last Wednesday (our headline "year" goes from December to November so we can celebrate the headlines with the holidays every December), and today we're up to July 2018.  We'll continue to post daily, finishing with November's headlines on Sunday December 9.  We'll leave all the voting threads open until noon on Wednesday December 12 to give everyone a chance to get through all the voting!  

We've compiled all the links to all the Fark Headline of the Year preliminary round voting for a handy reference!  This is the only the first round - we start semifinals on the main site after preliminaries are over - this round is for TotalFark only!  Sign up for TotalFark to see all the headlines and be able to vote in this round. 

We're having tons of fun reading these headlines all over again.  Thank you to all our wonderful submitters and thank you to our TotalFark voters!  There's still time to get your votes in!  

________________________ 

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Get your fingers ready
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-11-28 2:15:41 PM (34 comments) | Permalink

Since the midterms were so much fun, we figured y'all would like to do some more voting. Yes, it's time to begin voting for Fark's Headline of the Year! The first round starts off today, and this stage is only open to TotalFarkers, because it's not a poll tax when we do it. So enjoy the Fark NotNewsletter, and you'll find links to preliminary HotY voting for December 2017 at the bottom. Drink up!

XOXO,
DisseminationMonkey


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
darthaegis could see what got a missionary who visited North Sentinel Island into trouble
bearded clamorer explained why some Farkers never knew that condoms have expiration dates
Frank N Stein gave more information about a shooting at Mercy Hospital in Chicago
Kirablue42 was familiar with Shania law
veranbryce saw the true irony in the missionary's trip to an island with hostile natives
bearded clamorer reacted to an underwear-clad woman's jump onto a frozen lake
Weaver95 summed up a situation that had some Christians upset
Be Best had an idea of what the missionary was probably doing when he died
Marcus Aurelius got a great Black Friday deal
whither_apophis was unimpressed by the size of a sex party

Smart:
Weaver95 summed up a situation that had some Christians upset
Weaver95 had a whole list of things that are wrong about a missionary visiting the Sentinelese
Dewey Fidalgo believed that justice had already been served
Kubo had a suggestion for a replacement for the term "anti-vaccine"
AuralArgument looked at the selective ways in which the government keeps us safe
Groupon boob job let us know what happened when John Chau got to heaven
DeaH described anti-vaxxer parents
Ivo Shandor showed that Pope Francis has been working on toning down the church's flamboyant wealth
hubiestubert discussed the use of nonlethal weapons in security and law enforcement
Bedstead Polisher described gun culture in the U.S.

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: CommieTaoist had some pretty harsh words
Smart: Earguy showed off nice photography
Smart: oldfarthenry shared photos of a new puppy and the sweet old dog who recently passed away
Funny: HighlanderRPI implied that you should not hook up with your best friend's sexy sibling
Funny: brap revealed what happens when you illegally cut down a tree

Politics Funny:
dailygrinds paraphrased James Comey's offer to participate in a public hearing
Eddie Adams from Torrance defended Ivanka Trump
Mike_LowELL recognized Donald Trump's confusing weather for climate
MontanaDave summed up Trump's issue with the U.S./Mexico border
Cpl.D helpfully reminded us who Sarah Palin is

Politics Smart:
wejash discussed Trump's complaint that Robert Mueller wasn't approved by the Senate
Dimensio reacted to domestic abuse claims against Michael Avenatti
FormlessOne didn't feel a lot of sympathy for certain farmers who are having a hard time now
This Is Bold Text compared Trump's method of answering legal questions to someone else's
whither_apophis examined the term "identity politics"

CSB Sunday Morning:  Workplace animosity
Smart:
gordian didn't mind firing this one guy
Funny: Charmin Mao Tse-Bung didn't even need to say "told you so"

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking showed an Instagram-worthy moment
RedZoneTuba found out what the Trumps had for Thanksgiving dinner
crispy pizza discovered that sometimes the bass player's job is the most challenging
Mojongo had Thanksgiving dinner at Alice's Restaurant
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed us what happens when you let Mike join your band
X-Geek ran into some woodland creatures that are probably Farkers
Yammering_Splat_Vector included the important things on a new flag for Milwaukee
Knockers helped to make America great again
durbnpoisn discovered that Norman Rockwell is a Farker
hail2daking emphasized the things that put Milwaukee on the map
Don_cos found out that these two famous coworkers live next door to each other

Farktography:
beerrun won Farktography Contest No. 707: "Software Hootenanny 8" with a stunning picture from Upper Antelope Canyon

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, February 27: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

And it was yet another fun ride on the Weird News Quiz bus, even though the train arrived empty at the 1000 club station. Ariesfish got 11/11 but was stuck behind the velvet rope with only 998, followed by bud jones with 970 and foo monkey with 945. TheMothership made fourth with 924, and Edgewood Dirk completes the top 5 with 920. 

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over where Shaquille O'Neal was going to open his newest "Big Chicken" concept restaurant. Only 38% of quiztakers knew that it would be on the Carnival cruise ship Radiance. I'm trying to make a joke about this, but I keep falling flat when I realize just how many people have vacationed on Carnival (okay, so I have as well). 

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over what cartoon character that Pasco County. Florida deputies had pulled over. 69% of quiztakers knew that they had pulled over some guy dressed as Fred Flinstone, complete with a black wig and spotted tunic in a Smart Car with tied-on accoutrements resembling Fred's Footmobile. No word on if that actually happens.

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over where you could find the root kilogram that every other kilogram was based on. Only 34% of quiztakers knew that the O.G. kilogram was based on a mass located in Paris, France. You know what they call a kilogram in Paris? A kilogram.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was based on which "Jurassic Park" actor was denied another ten minutes of fame by releasing a poorly received jazz album. 81% of quiztakers knew that it was Jeff Goldblum who didn't know that just because you could, doesn't mean that you should..


This week's quiz is coming today, so look for the link in the comments.


Fark Headlines of the Year Voting (brought to you by blythe)

It's time for Fark's Headline of the Year!  We've gathered up all the headlines from the Headlines of the Week, combined them by month and by tab, and now we're asking you to vote for your favorites. 

Today we're starting with December 2017, tomorrow we'll post January 2018, and so on, through November 2018.  Our headline "year" goes from December to November so we can celebrate the headlines with the holidays every December! 

This is the preliminary round - we will do semifinals and finals in a couple weeks on the main site, this preliminary round is for TotalFark only!  Sign up for TotalFark to see all the headlines and be able to vote. 

Fark Headline of the Year preliminary voting - December 2017 MAIN
Fark Headline of the Year preliminary voting - December 2017 DISCUSSION
Fark Headline of the Year preliminary voting - December 2017 POLITICS
Fark Headline of the Year preliminary voting - December 2017 ENTERTAINMENT
Fark Headline of the Year preliminary voting - December 2017 GEEK
Fark Headline of the Year preliminary voting - December 2017 BUSINESS
Fark Headline of the Year preliminary voting - December 2017 SPORTS

Consider each headline as carefully as you wish!  Some are puns, some are wordplay, some you need to click through a few times to read the story or the Fark comments to figure out what the joke is (and these are often some of the best), sometimes the joke is in the symbols, sometimes it's a sideways look at the story or the world.  Vote for any or all!  We don't limit your voting, we really want to see what you laughed at and enjoyed.  

Thank you to our fantastic submitters and thank you to our weekly TotalFark voters. These are the headlines that we love because they are especially clever, unique, look at the world sideways, and funny.  The kinds of headlines we can share and say *this* is Fark.
________________________ 

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: When the U.S. sends its culture, they're not sending their best
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-11-20 11:31:40 AM, edited 2018-11-20 11:33:46 AM (55 comments) | Permalink

Well, it's Thanksgiving week in the U.S., and of course we have Black Friday, which apparently has spread to other countries because all our worst things end up infecting the rest of the world. It seems like stores are putting more of their sales online and trying to minimize stampedes, I guess because they're a biatch to clean up after. It's hard to believe that after people have literally died because of these Black Friday sales, the stores still advertise "doorbuster" deals, but nothing should be surprising anymore, right? Just, if you feel the need to do any Black Friday shopping, be sure to wear protection and get me something nice.


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Yoda's Pen Is predicted one more appearance for Stan Lee
Weatherkiss had another reason for believing we'll see Stan Lee again
wkndfrk was worried about George Zimmerman
gaslight had fun teasing classmates
UncleDirtNap revealed which company stands to gain the most from the anti-vaxxer movement
Subtonic had some advice for asking out millennials
Warthog gave a good reason for not wanting to move to a less expensive country for retirement
BizarreMan commented on Stan Lee's condition
HawgWild said goodbye, Fark-style
AintNoAmoeba imagined a man's conversation about being sued by an ex

Smart:
HotWingConspiracy described how police killed a security guard who was doing his job
koder listed the next steps for police to do after a cop killed a security guard
Gordon Bennett explained "white privilege" for anyone who still doesn't get it
unyon had some questions about the changing standard tip in restaurants
Glockenspiel Hero knew a group that is sure to stand up for an armed security guard who was killed by a police officer
Weaver95 figured that a man's crimes were so bad that he's likely to do more when released from prison
Xanadone had a retort to Bill Maher's criticism of adult comic book fans
DarkSoulNoHope pointed out when people don't need concealed carry permits
Marcus Aurelius knew what all megachurch pastors really want
alechemist thought that certain people profit from the anti-vaxxer movement

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny:  brap doubted the veracity of a Fark submitter's story
Funny: a particular individual knew who submitted a thread about getting some satisfaction during an upcoming trip
Smart: flucto gave advice to a vegan who doesn't want a car from a company that uses leather
Smart: JerseyTim had a helpful reminder for people who steal jokes for Fark headlines

Politics Funny:
Hobodeluxe reassured us that Donald Trump is solving the wild fire problem in California
impaler showed Snekretary's reaction to some bad news
plecos predicted a very mature name for a new right wing social media platform
FlashHarry showed a reaction to news that one of the men behind the "Swift Boat" ads attacking John Kerry will be charged in the Russia investigation
NeoCortex42 explained why Trump couldn't make it to the American Cemetery in Paris

Politics Smart:
FormlessOne answered the question of whether or not Mike Pence is loyal to Trump
FormlessOne argued in favor of the methods left-wing protesters have taken lately
Dusk-You-n-Me summed up the argument that left-wing protesters are as bad as the other side
Mantour showed someone who would feel sorry for Trump having to stand in a little rain while thanking veterans
BizarreMan gave one reason for preferring Beto O'Rourke over Bernie Sanders

CSB Sunday Morning:  Teachers
Smart:
FrancoFile's professor exceeded expectations
Funny (less storyish): Norquist Vagprobe made a teacher feel old
Funny (more storyish): Recoil Therapy got advice from the chemistry teachers when building a still

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
DrSandyBeech found that Thomas the Tank Engine took a very wrong turn
hail2daking showed that Ralphie is always there to help anyone who is changing a tire
gaslight discovered that Thomas the Tank Engine enjoys providing a public service
sl4psh0t revealed Queen Elizabeth's appearance in a classic music video
Yammering_Splat_Vector put an elderly woman back to work
crispy pizza showed us that Thomas has a smile that can't be trusted
Don_cos found a very stylish Dalek
hail2daking gave two best friends a perfect place to nap
RedZoneTuba exposed the Fark mascot's life of crime
Alligator found out that the queen had a side job

Farktography:
CiliarySpasm won Farktography Contest No. 706: "Profiles" with this fancy fin

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, February 27: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party


Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)      

We had some fun with the weather and the early snows seen in some parts of the country last week. DrunkenGator managed our only 11/11 on the quiz and sits alone in the 1000 club, drink in scaly claw. Evandar made second with 936, followed by FrancoFile in third with 924, and PeddlerOfBombast in fourth with 920. kuzo rounds out the top five with 916.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over where you could pick up some KKK robes and Nazi memorabilia at the National Gun Day Expo. Although the sale or giveaway of items bearing the Confederate Battle Flag was strictly prohibited, event organizers never thought it would be necessary to explicitly ban Nazi crap, because come on. Only 27% of quiztakers knew that it was Kentucky where vendors were openly offering these things. Although, for the record, the vendor with the swastika Christmas ornaments (?!?!) was actually from Florida (of course).

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over what Fat Sal's Deli in Los Angeles was "dressed as" for Halloween. 74% of quiztakers knew that the fictional restaurant of "McDowell's" featured heavily in the plot to the Eddie Murphy comedy "Coming to America". Interesting note: Madge Sinclair, who played Queen Aoleon, later played Geordi LaForge's mom on an episode of "ST:TNG", and then teamed back up with James Earl Jones to act as a royal couple once again - this time as the parents of Simba in "The Lion King".

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over which state did not observe Daylight Savings Time in the entirety of its borders. Only 35% of quiztakers knew that the area of Arizona owned by the Navajo Nation did indeed observe DST in order to keep it in sync with the Navajo Nation parts of Utah and New Mexico which also observe the time change. Therefore, the correct answer was Hawaii. I mean, it's not like they really need to save any daylight anyhow, since they're solidly within the tropics. 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over which online social network got the boot from both payment processors and their hosting provider after horrific anti-Semitic and anti-immigrant messages posted by the Tree of Life shooter surfaced. 84% of quiztakers knew that it was Gab who was given the boot by just about every company it did business with. When you offer "freedom of speech", you tend to get the people who want to read and write stuff no one else wants to read, and that becomes your user base. There's a good reason most social networks don't tolerate that kind of thing.

Congratulations to the winners, and this week's quiz should be up very soon. I'll post in the comments when it's ready.
· · ·

Fark NotNewsletter: Drew wants to marry you 💍
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-11-13 11:08:49 AM (71 comments) | Permalink

________________________

A message from Drew Curtis:  
________________________  

A couple of friends of mine are getting married in December and asked me to officiate their marriage.  Since they met on Fark, I did a quick search to see if there was an online church that best fit the Internet.  Tl;dr I am now an ordained minister of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

There have been thousands of Fark weddings over the past nearly 20 years, but this will be the first one I've personally officiated.  And hopefully not the last! I'm mentioning all this because if anyone's interested, and assuming my schedule lines up, I'd be happy to officiate other Fark weddings in the future.  Ramen.

Also if you've been wondering what to get me for Christmas, look no further than a TotalFark subscription.  We need a quick bump to finalize end of year finances, so if you have been thinking about signing up, now's a great time.  If you already have TotalFark or BareFark and still want to help, you can buy it for me an unlimited number of times. I'll even drop you an email to say thanks if you like!  

________________________

We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
________________________ 


Farking Tip (brought to you by Winterlight)

So if you're one of the cool kids who can't stay away from Fark even on the weekends, you're probably aware we have a lot of cool weekly discussion threads. And not just football (both American and the OG overseas version) and CSB, we also have a pair of threads for the book and music lovers: the Saturday Morning Book Club and the Sunday Morning Music Club. 


Each week we pick a topic and then spend hours talking about...well, books and music. I know, we've spent the past fifty years of intense technological progress and innovation to bring together an interconnected online community to do what our grandparents used to do over tea and hands of pinochle. But hey, who are we to stand in the way of progress?


"I have a great idea for a topic! How can I share my brilliance with the world?" Funny you should ask. It's really quite simple: submit your topic early on Saturday and/or Sunday morning or you can email Winterlight at ultrafark.com with your idea. The threads go live at 10am ET and are usually greenlit for TotalFark members around 7am for those who can't wait to start talking about books and music. 


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Close2TheEdge thought that "South Park Susan" looked kind of familiar
Noticeably F.A.T. had the perfect response if someone blackmails you with a video of you fapping
doglover wrote a review of a flight where a flight attendant breastfed a baby whose mother ran out of formula
bearded clamorer came up with a great slogan for a restaurant with grass-covered tables
Diogenes explained why Mom is okay with not having grandchildren
farkingismybusiness commented on a man's death after being paralyzed because he ate a slug
Scanty Em had a solution for people who want or don't want babies
dodecahedron wasn't about to just let someone get away with a typo in a Fark thread
ralanprod claimed to be banned from a store
Marcus Aurelius found a problem with advising Arizonans on what to do about a scarcity of water
Relatively Obscure noticed something about unwelcome comments that men have made to a mermaid

Smart:
Cagey B did not approve of destroying food that was meant to feed homeless people
ArcadianRefugee thought that the government was only getting in the way instead of helping
I can't believe I have to put anything from this mermaid debate in the smart column, but here's fusillade762's opinion on fish on the top versus fish on the bottom mermaids
gaspode questioned the motivation behind laws regarding feeding homeless people
NeedlesslyCanadian knew the real reason why companies aren't having holiday parties anymore
GameSprocket discussed the context in which Viggo Mortensen said the N-word
AdmirableSnackbar saw a flaw in companies claiming that they don't have holiday parties because of sexual harassment liability
Drakuun had comforting words for a "ex-gay" therapist who was caught using gay dating apps for hookups
koder had a plan for doling out water in Arizona
Rent Party thought that perhaps health inspectors could choose a different path

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny:  no1curr had some alarming news for a Farker who was in the hospital
Smart: thatguyoverthere70 had some advice for a parent whose child is "going goth"
Funny:  flucto totally didn't lie about a first kiss
Smart: gottagopee described some bullpoop that women have to deal with
Smart: meg12279 was surprised by a speaker from the American Legion

Politics Funny:
Tanqueray received commentary from a Fark server while trying to read about Jeff Sessions' firing
impaler showed Snekretary handling the fallout from Jim Acosta's White House press pass being confiscated
I am Tom Joad's Complete Lack of Surprise explained why Fox News stopped tweeting
mrshowrules noticed a sinister someone joining a meeting with Mitch McConnell and Rupert Murdoch
enry knew why Donald Trump couldn't brave the rain to visit Aisne-Marne American Cemetery

Politics Smart:
thatguyoverthere70 reacted to Trump professing his love of barbed wire
bloobeary reacted to Lindsey Graham changing his mind about what would happen if Trump fired Sessions
gunga galunga shared why it's okay to "Godwin" a conversation about Trump
Gubbo saw evidence that Twitter could clean up some problems if they wanted to
JohnnyApocalypse examined an argument that it's fine to not bother voting

CSB Sunday Morning:  Memorable birthdays
Smart:
wingedkat threw Dad a huge surprise party
Funny: GRCooper's parents sound like Farkers

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (if you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
hail2daking needed surgeons with very steady hands
RedZoneTuba was about to perform an extraction
RedZoneTuba showed an unusual variety of Afghan Hound
RedZoneTuba revealed why messages from aliens haven't been getting through to us
alicechaos found a comfy place for a polar bear to rest
Yammering_Splat_Vector made a cloud adorable
Don_cos showed us who's to blame for the lack of alien visitors
Tom G revealed why they called her "Aunt Bee"
RedZoneTuba assembled a tremendously classy jury
Mojongo discovered what Melania Trump's project is really about
Yammering_Splat_Vector prepared for a very frightening procedure

Farktography:
Warthog won Farktography Contest No. 705: "Travel Photography 2" with a view from above Northeastern Afghanistan

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, February 27: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party
· · ·


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