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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-10-06 to Sat 2019-10-12
Posted by Blythe at 2019-10-16 2:18:12 PM (0 comments) | Permalink

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-10-06 to Sat 2019-10-12:  Hoping to become local heroes, four kids go off to find missing elderly woman. They'll never have any friends later on like the ones they had when they were eleven. Jesus, does anyone?  Coupon woman is back in jail. Probably a BOGO offender  Creepy, Cool tags are reporting an enormous Stay Puft Marshmallow Man on top of a restaurant, and what appear to be monstrous huge, green tentacles coming out of the windows  Senators no longer allowed to keep child sex dolls at work for extended periods if I'm reading this headline right  Pornhub sees huge spike in "Joker" related searches. They laugh at my boner, will they? I'll show them. I'll show them how many boners the Joker can make  🎶 I see a bad unit a-rising, I see trouble on the way, I've been pissin' friggin' lightnin', I see bad times today. Don't go 'round tonight, I probably got it from your wife, There are STDs on the rise 🎶  Airplane throws itself at the ground and misses  Gotha residents affected by flooding catch attention of leaders, possibly the Godda Batma  Mars rover finds oasis on Mars, is promptly headbutted by Liam Gallagher  Nike Jesus Shoes filled with "Holy Water" sell for $3,000, but aren't even cross trainers

Sports:  Aaron Rodgers confused by strange question about 1920's star Lavvie Dilweg. I'll bet Tom Brady could have answered that  😏 Looks like the University of Tennessee is going to need to find itself 🕶 a new volunteer 😎  China retaliates against the NBA by blocking its games from broadcast. So, looks like both the Warriors *and* Xi dynasties are at an end  Hey, NBA. Dig up, stupid  Earl Thomas says he reached out to Mason Rudolph after brutal hit, got no response. Well, duh, Rudolph was out cold

Geek:  FBI warns about attacks that bypass MFA. Told you that degree was worthless  Three Rings for the Internet of Things in the cloud / Seven for the Cop-lords' vast surveillance zone / Nine for consumers who follow the crowd / One for the Lord of Ama-Zûn on his dark throne  "Black hole explosion death beam" is the name of subby's folk-flavored GWAR cover band  Free rides are the right of all sentient beings. Auto bus... ROLL OUT

Entertainment:  Lynyrd Skynyrd byssyst Lyrry Jynstrym dyys yt 70  Hersheypark is opening 'Chocolatetown' next summer. You'll find it at the end of the highway is m.a.d at mi.cro.soft  The first rule of Onania Club is that no one talks about Human Centipede (slightly nsfw)  Twenty-five greatest hip-hop songs of all time.This headline is dedicated to all the admins that told me I'd never amount to nothin'. To all the modmins that lorded above the threads that I was postin' in. It's all good, baby baby

Politics:  Turkey kicked out of Syrian Airspace because apparently no one at the Joint Chiefs has seen WKRP in Cincinnati  White House official told whistleblower the Ukraine call was "frightening." No word if the music was soothing, or if they all started grooving  Turkey, Russia, and ISIS seem to be well coordinated in their offensive against the Kurds. Coincidence? Lols, no. They've been in cahoots before and are now  Appeals court upholds ruling that Trump needs to hand over his taxes, decision to be appealed to an industrial shredder underneath Trump Tower  Ousted Ukraine ambassador Marie Yovanovitch just set Trump and Rudy on fire, then burned their ashes twice for good measure, and then flushed them both down the toilet in the first five minutes of her testimony

Business:  Software Wars iII: Revenge of the Cloud. By order of the Chancellor, "Execute order 13884"  Kroger and Walgreens to stop selling E-Cigarettes and pods. Analog cancer still fine  Nearly eight in 10 Americans say that they wouldn't shop with a retailer ever again if they encountered bad customer service. Which means 80% of the US does not shop at any retail stores

Discussion:  Batwoman premieres then Supergirl gets pants tonight starting at 8 eastern on the CW  Black Lightning wears pants, tonight at 9PM eastern on the CW  In ancient Egypt, redheads were buried alive as sacrifices to Osiris. The redheads, reportedly, were happy for the chance to get out of direct sunlight

D'awww:  Tony let Joey hang out for a minute but quickly got tired of his clinging  East China zoo celebrates birth of rare white lion twins. Hope one day to be just like Siegfried and know what Roy tastes like  Animal Encounters segment features Oreo the skunk and a news anchor that needs a shower  Last weekend's fishing tournament on Flathead Lake netted over one thousand lake trout and one bobcat. Wait, are bobcats a catch-and-release species? Somebody go get the game warden  Release the Klucken

Food:  "Click, click, bloody click, PANCAKES"  I love your braised short ribs. I know  Chinese farmer breeds pigs size of polar bear that are so heavy they need to be transported by rickshaws. Mmmm... pulled pork  "Healthy" foods that are marketed as being replacements for unhealthy snacks are actually not as healthy as they seem. You don't say? *sips Diet Coke*
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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-23 to Sat 2019-06-29. Kennedy, PNG, bouillabaisse, Chuck Woolery, Chuck Norris, FiveThirtyEight, tulips, and bourbon
Posted by Blythe at 2019-07-03 9:08:54 AM (2 comments) | Permalink

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-23 to Sat 2019-06-29:  Folgers Crystals  Not News: Man crashes demolition derby car. Fark: Not during a demolition derby. Source checks out  ᴋɪʟʟ ᴀʟʟ ʜᴜᴍᴀɴꜱ?  UFO struck by lightning  Robert F. Kennedy Jr. speaks out against vaccinations, says that shots killed his dad and uncle  Satellite image shows PNG volcano erupting, no doubt sending molten images everywhere  Congo mine collapse kills 36 artisanal miners. I bet you've never heard of artisanal miners. They're pretty underground  Man arrested for recording other men peeing at bowling alley. See, this is what happens when you leave your mind in the gutter while looking for balls  French fry  Free seafood bouillabaisse in California. All you can eat. Get it while the ocean's hot

Sports:  Kawhi-fornia  Kobe and his wife now only one daughter short of a future all-Bryant WNBA team  MeekMahan finally gets unrelated adults in the room by promoting Paul Heyman and rehiring Eric Bischoff, since the wrestling was better in 1999 anyhow  The Coyotes pull a Mos Eisley, makes the Kessel run. You submitted this headline 12 parsecs ago

Geek:  Why not trei a holiday in the Netherlands? See the lovlei flowers. And the wønderful telephone system  Much like many of its kids, the antivaxxer movement isn't growing to maturity  Valve is in favor of keeping older libs around  In a real gut punch, researchers argue that Parkinson's disease may start in the gastrointestinal tract and travel to the brain because what happens in vagus doesn't stay in vagus

Entertainment:  Netflix press release acknowledges public outcry, vows to not make any more episodes of Good Omens  "Evening, everybody." "PENNYWISE"  Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife has died. Of all the bra's he chased down, hers was the biggest  ♫ I'm coming out, so you'd better get this party started ♫

Politics:  Ravelry, a social networking site for knitters and crocheters, has announced a ban on posts supporting Donald Trump. Word has it they can't abide such a bad weave  On the plus side, at least there was vetting at all  Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-own to Clown) takes first step toward implementing Shakira law  FiveThirtyEight posts the most FiveThirtyEight article ever  Eric Trump went out for a cocktail in Chicago and was spit on by an employee. He's lucky they just didn't give him the Malort  "'Twitter is just terrible, what they do. They don't let you get the word out,' Trump told Fox Business News." And we have just witnessed division by zero  Pregnant woman in Alabama charged with manslaughter after she's shot. Wait, that can't be right  Chuck Woolery said the quiet part out loud, or quoted a passage from that Margaret Atwood novel, hard to tell which  Chuck Norris wishes he were as nice as Elizabeth Warren  But honey, the affairs were part of my job as a Congressman  Asked about school busing, President Trump displays a nuanced mastery of the subject that neither Harris nor Biden were able to show at the Democratic Debate

Business:  The maker of Botox has been bought for smooth $63 billion and nobody barely blinked an eye  Oh look, the tulips are blossoming again  Women pay over $12,000 during their lifetime for menstruation. Such a deal  Finally, imagine your chicken crossing the road in style

Discussion:'s a streetlight  50 hidden meanings behind common dreams. Subby is still running down his  Kiddoes back in the day sang songs about sexism, communism, and ax murderers while skipping rope. How lovely

D'awww:  Rare 40-ton albino humpback whale turns 30 and makes annual appearance off Sydney coast, just like it was orcastrated  San Diego firefighters rescue injured baby hummingbird, will now try and teach it the lyrics  Mountain lion found in tree tagged, now she's it  ♫ Doe, a deer, a pregnant deer ♫ May have twins or just one son ♫ Three is rare, but albinos ♫ Are like 20K to one ♫

Food:  Pickle pizza party  £900 cheese. I bet it smells like ass  Obviously Drew has never been to Yoshinoya  Bourbon
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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-16 to Sat 2019-06-22 - "FOREST", footnotes, love slack ♬, and food
Posted by Blythe at 2019-06-26 11:16:25 AM (1 comment) | Permalink

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-16 to Sat 2019-06-22:  Morsi has died. For those unfamiliar with the ousted Egyptian president, he used to need a job and then he found a job and heaven knows he was miserable then  Two arrested and four people seriously injured in shooting during Toronto Raptors Championship Parade. If it weren't for poor shooting and multiple injuries, they wouldn't be having a parade in the first place  I learned a thing or two from laundry don't you know. You better stay away from copperhead loads  Magician's body found. TA-DAA  Woman claims she was nearly hit by falling tree on golf course. Apparently, no one shouted 'FOREST'  NASA launches new missions to the sun. Don't worry, they are going at night  This story has it all: "Christian Fundamentalist," "Biblical Flat Earth Society," and "56 counts of child sexual exploitation," Okay, I could've lived without that last bit  Santa Anita Park might as well be sponsored by Elmer's at this point

Sports:  Finally, a MLB player has the skill (and courage) to expose the weakness of the shift  Johnny Manziel says he's still interested in the XFL. Although after playing in the NFL, CFL and AAF he has pretty much run through the entire alphabet  At least it wasn't his penis  First ever WTA meeting of Identical twins goes all the way to a third set tiebreaker. Fans puzzled how two opposing players could be so evenly matched

Geek:  Happy birthday to M. C. Escher. You submitted this with a more involved headline..enildaeh devlovni erom a htiw siht dettimbus uoY .rehcsE .C .M ot yadhtrib yppaH  Are we addicted to the 'like' button? You submitted this earlier from multiple links with better headlines  Astronomers see the "warm" glow of Uranus' rings. You submitted this after Hot Wing Wednesday  Narwhals, narwhals swimming in the ocean, boning some belugas, causing a commotion

Entertainment:  On this day in 2013, entertainment community shocked to learn that James Gandolfini had di  Hey, Harry Styles: It's "dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge." Nowhere in there does it say "jump"  It hasn't been his day, his week, his month or even his year

Politics:  Minnesota niiiiiiice  🎵 Wasting away, the moments that make America great. Fritter away the power in an offhand way-hey. Searching around for a great line with a lost mind🎵  Trump 2020 runs false ads on Facebook in clear violation of their ad rule. So Fark should run a false ad themselves and sue Facebook when they take it down. It'll shut down Facebook, pay for Fark for eternity or stop Trump ads. Everybody wins  Pete Buttigieg: "I would imagine we've probably had presidents who were gay, we just didn't know which ones." We're looking at YOU, James Buchanan  Second Amendment advocate pissed off about First Amendment realities  Nashville residents terribly upset that someone increased the font size on the footnotes  Angela Merkel is probably great at making martinis, terrible at stealing tambourines  Roy Moore announces campaign to re-elect Doug Jones  In case you were wondering what Jacob Wohl is up to these days, he's professing to be the "male sex symbol of right wing politics." And if that doesn't start you re-evaluating your life choices, Subby doesn't think anything else ever will  Jared Kushner's "deal of the century" Middle East plan includes a genuine, bona-fide, electrified high-speed rail. What about us Gaza slobs? You'll all be given cushy jobs. Is there a chance the track could bend? Not on your life, my Muslim friend

Business:  Mapping error in your favor, collect a few million dollars  ♬♬ Love Slack, Baby, Love Slack ♬♬  South Australia is close to fully decriminalizing all work 'down under'

Discussion:  YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I ORDERED THE MSNBC DISCUSSION THREAD. It starts at 8PM ET  What's the worst thing you've woken up to? Probably not worse than a stray dog eating your testicle, but probably still bad

D'awww:  Rarely to the words "Cat placement game" arrange themselves in exactly that order. But they do in this game called, "Isle of Cats"  Dogs have evolved to con their way into the D'awww tab  Itty bitty tiny fruit eating German Shepard  It's perfectly fine to look for a quiet dog breed that won't bark too much. Because sometimes you want something other than a malamute

Food:  "Hey, when did very small rocks become part of the breakfast wrap?"  Ragu recalls thousands of sauces due to bonus plastic  How to cook the perfect steak (sometimes subby just wants to start a fight)
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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-09 to Sat 2019-06-15 - 8chan, skunks, takes a whiskey drink, and Slate
Posted by Blythe at 2019-06-18 1:12:32 PM (3 comments) | Permalink

Welcome again to Headline of the Week!

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-09 to Sat 2019-06-15:  Japanese F-35 pilot fails to disengage WWII simulation mode. Yes, subby is a bad person  "Police will handle amorous snapping turtles." When they're on the road, it takes a while to get them off  DC museum to archive Anne Frank's father's correspondence, as soon as they find someone who can read braille  Pilot who crashed helicopter in Manhattan radioed that he was lost. Then it hit him  Record heat expected in Seattle, as thousands of residents emerge from the haze to hiss at the sun  Armed intruder flees apartment by jumping out of third-story window before being caught by police. Bail set at $100K, as he's definitely a flight risk  Grace Jones dead. Short illness, judging by how pale she looks in recent photo  Federal Authorities raid 8chan, will spend years in therapy for various rule 34 violations  Californians better start raking the woods a lot more thoroughly than they did last year

Sports:  David Ortiz shot in Dominican Republic, is in stable condition. Doctors say he's lucky he didn't get shot in Luxembourg or Testes  As expected, Kyrie Irving opts out of his Celtics contract, says he's looking for a deal that could pay him $141 million over five years, to be paid in a flat fee just like the Earth  Brett Hull gives one of the drunkest speeches in Stanley Cup history or as one fan called it, he's that episode where Bender becomes human

Geek:  Another reason America's murder rate has declined: cell phones, which ended drug dealers' turf wars by reducing dicey in-person disputes over price and quality. Now America's OD rate has increased, so we're still dying from drugs, but more quietly  Rob Liefeld declares DC Comics is "gonna drive off a cliff." Unclear how they'll do this without feet to hold down the gas pedal  Kentucky now rated as one of the least green states. It's so bad there that even the grass is blue  Which leads us to propose the novel theory that the T. rex died out because of skunks

Entertainment:  Sotheby's to auction lock of Beethoven's hair, presumably not from a lud wig  Iron Maiden, Judas Priest planning to embark on a US tour in 2020. Support acts expected include: Testament, Obituary, Depends, Geritol, Doan's Pills  Conservationists really wish tourists would get over Machu Picchu

Politics:  Republican Senator Josh Hawley says studying Watergate is a waste of time because it happened before he was born. Which is exactly what happened when no one bothered to study Vietnam before they got us into Iraq  Trump: I cast Executive Privilege at the House. DM: You have awakened the House. It catches you and eats you  Royal Albert Hall shows off the new redecorations in its killer Prince of Whales Room  Fox news apologizes for airing a clip of Rep. John Lewis while talking about Rep. Elijah Cummings, said they didn't realize we had two of them now  White House announces that Sarah Sanders will resign as Press Secretary at the end of June. Sarah Sanders expected to deny the report out of pure instinct  Chuka Umunna leaves Independent Group to join Liberal Democrats, takes a whiskey drink, takes a vodka drink, takes a lager drink, takes a cider drink  FARK seemingly uninterested in greenlighting the fact that we're transferring control of ICE's concentration camps to the military to prevent oversight. So let's pretend Joe Biden grabbed somebody's ass on camera or something. Yeah, that's the ticket

Business:  Defense contractors Raytheon and United Technologies announce merger, new entity to be named Omni Consumer Products  Fiat Chrysler recalls truck line for living up to its name  Chewy IPO raises $1 billion *triumphant Wookiee growl*

Discussion:  Here's how to handle that one slacker coworker you have to deal with day in and day out. And, if you think they don't exist, then you're the slacker  My wife drinks too much, has never bathed our 7-year-old son and now wants a divorce. Should I be reading Slate?  A somewhat late review of Slaughterhouse-Five by Salman Rushdie

D'awww:  Man who runs a dog and cat rescue takes in a lost baby goat who goes on to become the most popular kid living there  Cocker Spaniel has Fainting Goat Syndrome, but he may just be faking it for extra belly rubs  Baby elephant takes its very first wobbly steps, tries to iron out a few wrinkles  Happiness is getting thicker - And Harmony's getting larrrrrrrrger

Food:  $1 grilled cheese truck. That's it. That's all. What's wrong with this? NOT A DAMN THING  Think you know Indian food? It's all a lie. You've been eating Mexican  Drink it fast, or drink it slow, your lips have got to touch the toe
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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-02 to Sat 2019-06-08. Padres, Schroedinger, and FABULOUS
Posted by Blythe at 2019-06-11 10:04:22 AM (4 comments) | Permalink

Headline of the Week returns!

We're working our way through the previous weeks by tab and they'll show up in when we've finished all the tabs!  One thing we've considered is to share a thread of all the chosen headlines per tab, if that sounds appealing let us know.

We've been spinning our wheels a bit on HotW, and it's time to ask what you think.  We love Headline of the Week because it lets us highlight the creativity (especially in wordplay/puns and visual headlines), smart (especially  context and really clever headlines), sideways thinking, thought-provoking, and just damn funny headlines that our submitters come up with every week.  This does result in a lot of Headlines for final voting though - great because everyone can see the awesome variety of headlines Fark has to offer, but challenging because all those headlines at the end of the year can get overwhelming.

What do you think?  What do you love about Headline of the Week?  What do you love about Headline of the Year?

Please let us know your thoughts and enjoy our current week's Headlines of the Week!

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2019-06-02 to Sat 2019-06-08:  He was wearing nothing but a smile. I hollered "Don't look, Ethel," but it was too late  87% of Americans wouldn't recognize socialism if they met it at the post office  Well I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see  Wait, those emails were real??  HOA refuses to do anything about vulture infestation plaguing homeowners, possibly out of professional courtesy  Won't be greenlit, submitting anyhow  They *finally* cleared out that Subaru  Long before Star Trek, James Scotty Doohan killed two Nazi snipers and was known as the "craziest pilot in the Canadian air force." He gave it all he could, Captain  Cow farts, they said  Farmer steals chickens to buy gas for his $290,000 BMW. Apparently struggling to make hens meet

Sports:  Yo Dawg I heard you like Padres so I put some Padres in your Padres  Octopus rides a moray eel. Wins a belt buckle  The Wentz Wagon is now a Brinks truck  At this rate Johnny Football is going to see more leagues than Jules Verne

Geek:  ♪ Radio killed the liver cancer... Radio killed the liver cancer... In our lungs and in our hearts... It stopped tumors from going too far... ♪  Physicists figure out how to save the quantum cat. Suck it, Schrodinger  Make Apple Grate Again  "How fish and shrimps could be recruited as underwater spies." No word on how they would hold up when caught and/or grilled

Entertainment:  Monty Python's Flying Circus confuses the cat for the final time as Terry Jones' dementia has stolen his voice. Graham Chapman's urn inconsolable (possible nsfw content on page)  Entertainment Weekly apparently has a lot of vacation time saved up  Granger Smith's 3-year-old River drowns, which is particularly alarming to their other son Wood Chipper

Politics:  Baby boomers, Generation X, Generation Y: Meet Generation Lockdown  President Ron Burgundy: "Go fark yourself, London"  Biden is the most electable candidate. Just ask President Kerry  The moon is now a part of Mars. Uranus inconsolable  US Embassies: Hey, can we fly rainbow flags to support Pride? Trump admin: No. Embassies: Sorry, can't hear you over how FABULOUS we are

Business:  "Yes we buy your excess power but there's a fee for buying it and a fee for charging a fee plus the backup power fee so you owe us more than if you just bought power from us. Have a nice day"  Bold move assuming millennials have an extra $1000 lying around to invest  The shadow banks are back and there's gonna be a bubble. Hey-la Hey-la the banks are back

Discussion:  Does this My First Massacre kit seem over the top to anyone else?  I got a mullet today. The legends are true. Beer does taste better with a mullet  "If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write." -Stephen King. It's true, I read twitter all day and I'm almost ready to publish my four-hundred-tweet novel. This is your Fark Writer's Thread, Inspired Edition

D'awww:  Husky in a drain pipe, I know, I know it's serious  What has no pants and roams around a Jacksonville neighborhood screaming like a bear?  Do you speak baby jive?

Food:  The best steakhouse in every state, because even Elvis loved meat tender  Having barely survived kale, is America ready for kelp smugness?  With anniversary of Anthony Bourdain's death coming soon, top chefs nominate June 25 to be celebrated as Bourdain Day, a holiday certainly more meaningful to foodies and millennials than Columbus and Presidents Day combined
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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2018-12-23 to Sat 2018-12-29
Posted by Blythe at 2019-02-19 1:33:15 PM (4 comments) | Permalink

Welcome back to Headline of the Week!  We had a great time with Headline of the Year 2018 and we're slowly working our way through the new Headlines of the Week to get caught up with this new year!

Thanks as always to our amazing submitters and to our TotalFark voters.  These are the headlines we love to share and say "*this* is Fark."

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2018-12-23 to Sat 2018-12-29:  "You know the difference between you and me? I make this look good"  Fond du Lac found duo in lake  They've found that one bulb  Chinese company is spending $1.74 billion on a communist theme park. Presumably Mickey Mao will be named mascot  O little town of Providence / Thou Puritans of renown / Without a qualm for single moms / Thy strip club hath shut down / Yet in thy dark streets shineth / A tiny spark of joy / The owners hear the strippers' tears / And bought their kids some toys  ♫ Last Christmas, they stented my heart / And the very next day, demanded I pay... / This year, an ex-profiteer / Has made sure the debt is settled... ♫  Everyone loves a white Christmas, right? (fires up snow blower, slips on icy driveway, curses fluently in three languages, one of them Klingon) Yeah, we just LOVE a farkin' white Christmas  Kentucky man with a bad temper throws Christmas ham at woman, still not cured  Shiats fired  Alexa, does my Tesla use premium or diesel?

Sports:  Flip off your team for playing terrible against the 49ers in San Fran? That's an arrest. And a choking. And a toss over the railing. And a tazing  Servpro First Responder Bowl canceled. Like it never even happened  UFC fighter attacked by grenade, gets less damage than he did in his most recent fight  Karma karma karma karma karma concussion  Yankees pitcher C.C. Sabathia recovering following heart surgery to fix a blockage. Although there is a term for a 38-year old, 300-pound New Yorker with heart issues: Mets fan  Our top guys suck, they're soft on pucks. *CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP* Deep in the heart of Texas. Jim Lites he rants, on head his pants. * CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP* Deep in the heart of Texas

Geek:  Scientists create a 'metamagnetism' compound, which is a fancy way to say 'cool magnet'. Ytterbium, is there something it cannot do?  After getting to the root of the problem, the world has a new largest-known prime number  Internet freaks out over updated Instagram design. They'll get over it

Entertainment:  Even though they may not have all dressed chips, malt vinegar, or running water, citizens of the United States can watch all 6 seasons of Letterkenny on Hulu on Dec. 27th. Figure it out  Kennedy Center honors Phillip Glass. Kennedy Center honors Phillip Glass. Kennedy Center honors Phillip Glass. Kennedy Center honors Phillip Glass. Kennedy Center honors Phillip Glass  R-E-S-P-E-C-T / Forgot 1040 EZ / R-E-S-P-E-C-T / Byline, TMZ  Forest Whitaker files for divorce after 22 years of marriage. No reason has been given yet, but it's rumored he may have a wandering eye  Nirvana claims Marc Jacobs owes them a pretty penny in royalties

Politics:  Donald fires Mattis for resigning  ♫ Jingle bells, markets fell, Mnuchin laid an egg... Wall Street whores shiat their drawers and the POTUS Tweets awaaayyy... ♫  Top U.S. general details President Trump's Middle East withdrawal plans and strategy. In short: ¯\_★(ツ)★_/¯  Mnarket mness mneans Mnuchin mnight be mnext  Oh dear, even the bone spurs were a lie  Santorum says that pulling out at the wrong time can make a mess of things  Trump threatens to close borders. Yet again, Trump painfully shows the nation his lack of knowledge on the issue as Borders closed many years ago

Business:  It's beginning to look a lot like this is the last Christmas for Sears  Apparently there actually is something called the Plunge Protection Team, and it's not a product of the collective imaginations of Yahoo Finance posters  China imports zero U.S. soybeans in November for first time since trade war started. Good thing these things are easy to win  The Nikkei Nakatomi'd  Shrodinger's economy

Discussion:  20 years later: Yes, you can finally have no bananas  Mueller has a nude selfie, POTUS and FLOTUS on 2018 most admired list, Cohen went to Prague, C level honeypot's tricks revealed, and Jesus Farking Christ this year has been a hell of a Century. 8PM ET MSNBC Thread, Post-Coital Edition  Instead of setting New Year's resolutions you won't follow, how about setting some "un-resolutions" you also won't follow? Author name almost checks out  What I learned by not drinking for two years. #10 - People are a lot less interesting than I used to think

D'awww:  The unofficial Patronus of Fark, Eddie the Otter, passed away this week. He was "known for slam dunking and self-pleasuring". Truly, he led his best life. Godspeed, Eddie  Put down the knife, Eh. I'll be forced to give you a warm hug if you don't. Beware, I am flannel belt  A nice Merry Christmas for Dad, now he can get an iphone. ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

Food:  There is no doubt about what a redneck does when he finds a 30 year old can of Coors in the river. The only question is does it taste better than the water it came out of  Hey, the world needs coconut pickers  Boy spots bear hidden in Toblerone logo, shocking internet users, mum who couldn't believe her child actually looked at the chocolate packaging instead of just ripping it up
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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2018-12-16 to Sat 2018-12-22
Posted by Blythe at 2019-02-12 11:10:17 AM (4 comments) | Permalink

Welcome back to Headline of the Week!  We had a great time with Headline of the Year 2018 and we're slowly working our way through December and January Headlines of the Week to get caught up with this new year!

Thanks as always to our amazing submitters and to our TotalFark voters.  These are the headlines we love to share and say "*this* is Fark."

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2018-12-16 to Sat 2018-12-22:  "Zombie cyclone" terrorizes Australia, bringing with it half a metre of raiiiiiiiiins  This is why I never let anyone sleep over (some NSFW images)  Q: How many chucks could New York ban if New York could ban chucks? A: Nun  When pressed, authorities said the man died  Obama dons red to better embody socialism as he literally provides handouts to unproductive members of society who do nothing but lie around in bed all day  Police seek suspect in Midvale home invasion robbery who managed to finally get through that damn front door  As I trudge through the snow with my reindeer and sleigh, I think to myself there's no bloody way. Imma gonna pay taxes for a few hours work, to visit all these houses where kids act like jerks. It's all sin and vice living in a socialist paradise  ♪ ♫ My drones they fly over Gatwick / To see what me and my honey can see / Because people hate drones over Gatwick / The police are now handcuffing me ♪ ♫

Sports:  You can't spell "Cowboys" without 00  So a rabbi, a Torah and Lenny Dykstra walk into an East Side wine shop  Basketball is taking off in Tibet after Ted Striker and Elaine Dickinson introduced it to a small village while with the Peace Corps  Jingle Bells, Philly smells, Patriots laid an egg, Cam mobile lost his wheels and Jon Gruden got away. This is the weekly Power Rankings thread  The backup goalie for the US hockey squad in the 1936 put Hitler in his place in the locker room. And later landed at Normandy on D + 2

Geek:  Mirror, mirror in the sea...Who's that fish? Oh It's me  No, Bethesda, you idiots. DIG UP  By Grabthar's hammer... what a savings  One grill, 2,700 cups  "Is there a chance iPads could bend?" On your life, my techie friend  Groundbreaking Gammora drug kills HIV-infected cells in human subjects without harming healthy cells, unlike the competing Thanos drug which lethally harms half of all living cells in the universe (possible nsfw content on page)

Entertainment:  A concert audience with no guys because they're not allowed instead of no girls because they don't want to be there. It's like a Rush concert in reverse  Time for her to throw that Master's degree in the garbage -- Curt T. Potatoman is her master now  Oh, the places you'll go...Be your name Horton or Grinch or Yertel, or Audrey (missus Dr. Seuss) Geisel...You're off to Great Places, today is your day...Your husband is waiting. So...You're on your way

Politics:  Democrats are excited, VERY excited, as Trump's odds of impeachment surge. Look at those odds surging. Those turgid, throbbing odds, thrusting and surging; surging and ramming, the engorged surging YES OH GOD YES THEY SURGE SO GOOD  Mueller kicking it old school and going all the way back to 1983. Where popped collars and Russians laundering money through Trump Tower condos were all the rage  Rick Santorum is paying to have photos of him posing with Maria Butina scrubbed from the internet, pass it on  Court declares NY ban on nunchucks unconstitutional. No comment thus far from chucked nuns, nor how many nuns a nunchuck could chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns  Oh hey, CNN has the signed letter of intent to build Trump Tower Moscow and Whoopee Parlor from the campaign  West Virginia, there is a Satan clause  Constituent of racist Arizona lawmaker sends vile letter to NAACP leader. It's a dry hate  All in all there's not a cent for Trump's wall  Whitaker, appointed to stop Mueller from exposing Trump's lifelong criminal past, prepares to stop Mueller from exposing Trump's lifelong criminal past, so that Barr can replace non-recusing Whitaker who replaced the recused Sessions. The Aristocracy  Senator is stuck to chair. So very scared. Help  Russia: "We're very sorry to all of you. We had no idea how batsh*t insane Donald Trump was. Can you please hold another election sometime next week? Thanks"

Business:  Just checking in, Farkers: here are he hidden meanings behind 11 commonly used email phrases. Kind regards, Subby  Ghosn can't escape the specter of re-arrest  WaPo: "Bitcoin Cash's 180% Bounce Looks Like a Dead Cat". Pfft, what do they know? DeadCatCoin will be the next big thing. That'll show 'em  Ford recalls 874,000 pickup trucks because snuggling in front of a fire on a cold winter night should not be from a roaring blaze in your engine  The CEO is 75, she looks at the financials one minute a month, the campus is a theme park, everybody's a wizard. Even in winter, working at a Wisconsin medical software company sounds pretty good. Maybe even Epic

Discussion:  "Your stripper name is your favorite salad dressing and the thing about you that most disappoints your parents". Subby is 'Greek Liberal'  ♫ Jingle Bells, Two Scoops smells, Sarah laid an egg, the White House squeals, lost its wheels in time for Fresh Hell Friday ♫ Grab your egg nog and snuggle up for the MSNBC Discussion Thread at 8PM EST  There I was, thinking about cooking dinner. My cats were eager for their food out of a can, and it struck me: I never cook for my cats. Am I strange? Should I whip them up a nice tuna salad, or just go with Fancy Feast because they won't complain?

D'awww:  I GOT IT... Oh, that's not good  Our long national wait is over: bow before your Naked Mole Rat Queen. Circe. She hath given birth... I SAID BOW, YOU SQUINTY-EYED, WRINKLY... oh hey Steve didn't recognize you for a second. Yeah, uh, I'll have the rent in the morning  Oh Christmas Weed, Oh Christmas Weed, Toledo loves their Christmas Weed  Hold me closer, Tiny Riverdancer

Food:  Viands, viands everywhere, nor any safe to eat  Turns out not all glitter is edible. Who knew?  Portland ranked #1 US city for beer drinkers. Sorry, Portland, you're #3  When sous-vide finally falls out of favor, it's going to leave a vacuum in annual best-of lists. A mushy, pasty, uncaramelized, crustless vacuum  If it's one thing that humans are really good at, it's making booze from whatever ingredients happen to be lying around
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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2018-12-09 to Sat 2018-12-15
Posted by Blythe at 2019-02-05 11:50:55 AM (2 comments) | Permalink

Welcome back to Headline of the Week!  We had a great time with Headline of the Year 2018 and we're just starting to work through December and January Headlines of the Week to get caught up with this new year!

Thanks as always to our amazing submitters and to our TotalFark voters.  These are the headlines we love to share and say "*this* is Fark."

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2018-12-09 to Sat 2018-12-15:  ♫ No one fights like Gascón, takes guns on flights like Gascón, retaliates against those that he spites like Gascón ♫  Man fires 15 shots at roommates after drunkenly knocking over Christmas tree. Maids-a-milking, ladies dancing ran screaming before he was tackled by lords and drummers, Feathers everywhere  Runaway plane never coming back. Wrong way on a one-way track  Zomato driver sacked after eating customer's takeaway. Turns out you can't do anything at Zomato  Time Magazine's Person of the Year cuts right to the bone  "Inside the mind of a plagiarist" (easiest headline I ever submitted)  ♫♪♫ And another witch down, and another witch down, and another witch down, another witch bites the dust...♪♫♪  This does deserve a news flash. Heap is now legal in the US  Due to rare eating disorder, 42-year-old woman... uh... does anyone have a British to American translator handy? That seems serious  Police shot the cherif  This is the halting of the aid ship Aquarius, aid ship Aquarius

Sports:  Football player dumps pregnant cheerleader girlfriend. God I'm going to hell for this headline  The NFL Draft will be in Las Vegas in 2020, so the teams will be able to gamble at will... and then go to a casino  Man named Zebulon attacks firefighter after Browns game. May his punishment be watching all future Browns games with Hue Jackson  Sarver: I (I), I (I), I (I), Ain't Gonna Change the Suns' City

Geek:  "The star flutist was paid $64,451 less than the oboe player. So she sued." Wonder what the bass salary is  Obesity rates are at an all-time wide  Two dead at Antarctic research station. Be on the lookout for a dog being chased by a Norwegian  Time travel is possible, but only if you have infinite mass. Well, I've been off my diet for a while now  ♫ Microsoft knows what apps you're using, they know where you've been. They gather all your data because the default opts you in ♫

Entertainment:  Never dictate the headline over the phone  NYC kosher cops force Brooklyn eateries to cancel bookings of lesbian Jewish comic under threat of yanking certification. The Aristocrats  No, James Bond has a drinking solution  Nancy Wilson dead at 81. Barracuda

Politics:  European Court of Justice rules in favor of second Brexit. No word on elevenses  When Republicans weren't looking, Dems flipped forty House seats. They took 40 seats. That's as many as four tens. And that's terrible  Major Garrett gets promoted at CBS News. Will now be known as Lieutenant Colonel Garrett  A step-by-step breakdown of how Pelosi and Schumer tricked Trump into walking into a rake several times in front of cameras  Trump has been walking a tightrope of lies. This Wallenda badly  He did not slap them in the mouth. He did not slap them north, nor south. He did not kick them in the balls. He did not throw them from his Halls. He rejected all their pleas, and slammed those whose job's to "speak for the trees"  Zinke moves from Interior to exterior

Business:  His name was Ghosn, he headed Nissan. With a Brazil apartment as his lair, and misconduct down to there. He did a tap dance, he saw his big chance. But Nissan thought it odd, since he's indicted for tax fraud. At the Copa, Copacabana  Sting uses fake Amazon boxes, GPS to catch would-be thieves. The Police are standing by  Staff of libertarian Weekly Standard feel the invisible hand of the free market

Discussion:  Yawl shud be asahmed four shamming that farker hoo mispeled himp erliar  As Infrastructure Week comes to a close, join us for the MSNBC FRESH HELL FRIDAY thread. Fun starts at 8pm EST, BYOB, IYKWISAITYDNTTAWWT

D'awww:  All of the other reindeer used to want to call him names, but Farkers got there first  Truck driver 2 horsepower short of making it up icy driveway  Needles to say, spotting a rare albino porcupine waddling through a snowy forest is an une-quilled delight

Food:  From the land who invented deep fried Mars bars - a deep fried Christmas dinner. Stoater  A hot dog is a taco, a steak is a salad and a Pop-Tart is a calzone. Let the Cube Rule explain  Los Angeles restaurant offers edible $500 gold-covered brownie. Au no
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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2018-12-02 to Sat 2018-12-08
Posted by Blythe at 2018-12-10 9:45:11 PM (0 comments) | Permalink

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2018-12-02 to Sat 2018-12-08:  Actual headline of article: "Prisoner Escapes Death After Phone Gets Stuck in Rectum." In other words, damn near killed him  City plans to relocate 5,000 pigeons, which are not known for their homing ability or habit of returning to places  The Alabama mall "shooter" who was downgraded to "gun brandisher" has been downgraded again to "shot 3 times in the back"  Bus company Careem launches service in Egypt. Now, with Careem, Abdul goes far  WHO seeks guidance on gene-edited babies, possibly out of fears of creating deaf, dumb, and blind kids who sure play a mean pinball  If you were looking forward to seeing Steve Bannon at the sex robot convention later this month I have some bad news for you, mostly about the kind of person you are  Unmarried pregnant teacher fired from Catholic school. No word if she had to walk past the nativity scene on her way out  ಠ_ಠ  Went up to draw a Penis in the sky (Penis in the sky) / They said boy, you no longer fly (No longer fly) / Now I fly and I know that I'm the best / Marine guy pilot still flying with the rest  North Dakota named the best state for driving. Mostly because when spinning out of control at 105 MPH while driving drunk, the worst that can happen is running into a tumbleweed

Sports:  Mets get Edwin Diaz via trade from the Mariners for the price of also having to take Robinson Cano  Coach of the century retires again  Although perhaps he should stick to coaching basketball, Ohio State's Chris Holtmann brings up a fine point about Rocky III  Breaking: Yet another Redskins QB's leg  UMASS ranked number one in hockey for the first time in school history. Will they be there for a while, or just for a minute, man?  Aaaaaand *thud* goes the Dynamite (possible nsfw content on page)

Geek:  Maine researcher given $50,000 to study the causes of blindness in fruit flies. Most of the money to be used for tiny little canes and sunglasses  Designer of the classic Model F View-Master (last to be made from bakelite) has passed away. For younger readers, a View-Master is the Oculus Rift's hand-powered grandpappy  NASA spacecraft meets with asteroid, finds some guy named Doomsday  Medieval European plague gnomes hint at Death's travels. Wait what's a plague gnome?  And the wind cries Ares  Is America lagging behind in the race for a quantum computer? Well, yes and no

Entertainment:  (Occupation) claims (Celebrity)'s (Adjective) (Noun) is 'Satanic'  It was as if millions of alcoholic ex-sorority-girl middle aged moms cried out in excitement, but were suddenly silenced because their kids have soccer practice the night of the show  It's like Game of Thrones but with rabbits  Robert Blake files for divorce from his third wife. Well, shoot

Politics:  I have nothing to do with Russia. I have nothing to do with Russia. I have nothing to do with Russia. I have nothing to do with Russia. I have nothing to do with Russia. I have nothing to do with Russia. I have nothing to do with Russia  Headline: "The U.S. urgently needs new icebreaker ships to patrol the Arctic. Will Trump's border wall get in the way?" If it does, there were some concerning errors in the plans  Trump appears to be a Mister Miracle fan  75% - Ford Truck Ownership, 58% - Bud Light Drinkership, 64% Jesus Christ Believership, 13% Ancestors came over on the Mayflower ship  EU Advocate-General: If a country hypothetically invokes Article 50 after a narrow breferendum and then brexperiences bregrets, it breserves the right to brevoke its recent brequest and bremain unliterally. Hint hint  Mueller sees his way clear to letting this go, to letting Flynn go  Trump can't be bothered to recite the Apollo's Creed  Gavin McInnes says punching nazis should be a hate crime. Sounds like someone is tired of being punched  Sometimes the nickname picks you  Potatoe Man vs. Councel Man: FIGHT

Business:  Company designs extra-tall Xmas tree to keep ornaments out of reach from toddlers and curious cats. Take a bough  Marlboro to their cigarette maker, Altria, "Do you make joints?" Altria, "No." Marlboro, "You'd be a whole lot cooler if you did"  Hey guys, seems this "Facebook" thing is a pretty shady enterprise. Not sure if you've noticed  Liberia now having an electricity crisis, with 60% of the power generated being stolen. Critics call it just another Third World power grab

Discussion:  FTC says you shouldn't lend your cell phone to a stranger. Also recommends don't give them your wallet and car keys  Dear Polly, I keep stealing my friends' boyfriends, how do I stop? Also, could you help me change this lightbulb?  ████████████ MSNBC █████████ 8ET ████████████ █████ Discussion ██████████ ████████████ ███████ █████████ █████ ███████ ██████████ Thread ██████ ██████████ ████ ████ █████████ ████████ ██████ █████████ ██████████████ Drink ██████████ ██████████ █████

D'awww:  Touch the bells, go on, touch one  The real Pikachu is actually a possum and has a second chance to raid your garbage  It's Dead Week at Iowa State University, so naturally that means lots of dogs to play with at the campus library. No, really. Woof

Food:  Why do flies suddenly appear every time you open a beer? Just like me, they long to be...drunk like you  The Taco Bell franchise moves one step closer to Demolition Man level domination with new restaurants in Manhattan that serve beer. Enhance your calm, John Spartan  A beer brewed from an old Tasmanian shipwreck? The devil you say
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