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| Sun March 15, 2020 |
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Nevada brothel says to put a bag over both of your heads
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Trudeau: Canadians found on the street will be shot on sight. /kidding //sort of ///eh
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Forget about toilet paper, the last pack of bacon in Australia caused a riot
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This is why you get your bars and restaurants shut down. Face palm tag on hiatus based on CDC guidance
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LVMH, maker of Christian Dior, Givenchy, Guerlain perfume is switching ALL it's perfume and cosmetic factories to make nothing but hand sanitizer, starting Monday
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| (Good Housekeeping) |
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Photoshop this toucan
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How nature says, "Do not touch"
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Remember those guys in TN who were upset that they couldn't sell the hand sanitizer they stockpiled? Well the TN Attorney General is now helping "facilitate" the donation of those supplies
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NIH's Dr. Anthony Fauci goes on Sunday morning news shows to give us today's science-based COVID-19 update: Americans are "going have to hunker down considerably more," starting with celebrating St. Patrick's Day by yourself
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DeBlasio surrenders. NYC schools to close
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In 1918 at the height of the Spanish flu, Philly decided to NOT cancel a parade, but St. Louis did cancel their parade. In the end, over 12,000 died in Philadelphia and 700 died in St. Louis. So, stop complaining about cancellations
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That jerkhole with coronavirus who won't self quarantine? Looks like he'll either stay at home or get double tapped
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Captain Obvious, please pick up the white courtesy phone. Just be sure to disinfect it first
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Federal Reserve cuts rates to zero
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Things are beginning to look up in China...sorta
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And here comes the fake coronavirus testing kits
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An interactive guide to coronavirus risk by occupation: Dental hygienists on top, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay ... bottom out
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Austria: I'll see your ban on gatherings of 250 people and cut it to five
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| (Some Antivirus Gate) |
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Photoshop these sanitized human beings
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Governors start to order all bars and restaurants closed because you people couldn't figure out how social distancing works
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| (Some School Guy) |
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Whelp, largest school district in Arizona just cancelled all classes tomorrow. 64,000 students and their families directly affected
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Prisoner has seen way too many prison escape movies. Guards have not been paying attention while watching prison escape movies
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| (Some Gambling Man) |
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Lottery error in your favor. Collect $55,000
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Florida Man complains about ruined Vail ski vacation amid coronavirus closures, promptly gets dragged on Twitter. Fark: Including by Colorado's governor
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Remember always laughing at all those paranoid doomsday preppers and their crazy ideas of stockpiling everything? Well now they're laughing at us
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Two barges being led by tug boat and carrying grain sink in Mississippi River after crashing into a bridge. Tug boat captain investigated for loafing
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All Indiana casinos are closing for two weeks starting Monday. Your move, Vegas
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Noted trendsetter in alcohol sales, Pennsylvania to close all liquor stores beginning Tuesday. This will surely be dealt with calmly across the state
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CDC: ♫ ♬ School's out for summer ♫ ♬
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"At first, I was worried that we might have it half as bad as Italy. I can tell you from what I have now witnessed, we are Italy"
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Orlando, you're the winner in this week's "Which TSA workers will test positive for coronavirus" contest. Step right up to collect your contaminated prize
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these two time travelers BACK to the future
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Since you might have some extra downtime at home this week, here's a list of the ten most valuable pennies to coin collectors
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Guy dressed entirely in camouflage harasses Asian man because of coronavirus. Well, there's no disguising he's an idiot
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This period of social isolation will really bring out the creativity in many of us
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Breathtaking display of national solidarity from locked-down Italy
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Hiker in the desert injured after a 300 pound boulder crushes his leg. Wile E. Coyote wanted for questioning
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If you lost a bag full of cocaine and $20k in cash, Vancouver police would like to help reunite you with your lost items. Oh, you left your identification in there too
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How many rolls will it cost to not put them in a retirement home
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So it begins. Hoboken, New Jersey, to impose Coronavirus curfew starting Monday
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Sports cancellations leave one group of fans particularly deflated: Vasectomy patients
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One of these offers to support coronavirus stuck-at-homers has crashed servers due to overwhelming support: A. CDC chart on hand-washing. B. Comcast removing data caps. C. 200 free Japanese pornos
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Kentucky has its Typhoid Mary: Man who tested positive with coronavirus is refusing to self-quarantine
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| Sat March 14, 2020 |
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The Discman is alive and well
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Jesus
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Who the hell is still partying in Vegas?
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If you really want to help during the Coronavirus outbreak, donate to a local food bank
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Photoshop this guy who has no farks to give
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| (Some Demon's Thrall) |
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1676 letter written by nun possessed by The Devil has been translated. "TUUM BIBENDUM OVALTINE"
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Keep calm and don't try to come to the USA
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Attention subway riders: Stand clear of the closing doors, please. Also, please avoid pulling down your facemask, licking your finger, and then rubbing a subway pole. Thank you for your cooperation
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France surrenders
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American hospitals are canceling elective surgeries as they need the beds for COVID-19 patients. So if you wanted bigger boobs or a new hip, you'll have to wait
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Photoshop this sanitizing robot
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The lockdown in Spain falls mainly on the plain and will ground many a plane (possible nsfw content on page)
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Have you decided what will be on your tombstone? Will you include your gamer tag or social media handles?
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In days of old when knights were bold, before toilet roll was invented, they'd wipe their arse with tufts of grass and went away contented
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More and more Millennials are embracing a clothing trend called 'Granny chic' that looks like something grandmothers wore in the 90s
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Denmark: Shut. Down. Everything. Oh, and lets activate the military to make sure
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Come for a heartfelt defense of Corona. Stay for Peanut Butter AYDS
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Photoshop this mask
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We all know about washing our hands, keeping things clean, social distancing, etc. (see link), but share information here about services available to help sick people or those who are or know someone who is at high risk if they get sick from COVID-19
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"The animals who were the most neglected, sickest, the ones with special needs and nobody wants ... when you open up your heart to them, they will love you and be forever grateful. They give you pure love". Welcome to Caturday
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Wash your farking hands
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Christian shares love with athetits
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The TSA will allow you to go big on hand sanitizer
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Due to the coronavirus, the police department is asking that all criminal activities stop until further notice. Fark: That is an actual statement from a police department
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If you're going to drunk drive in a cement mixer try not to run over the sheriff's deputy
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When you're done stocking up on TP, Walmart and Walgreens will offer their parking lots for Coronavirus testing
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If you haven't hit the store for panic buying yet, here's what's left
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New Yorkers look at the high side of life in this coronavirus pandemic shutdown: NYC marijuana delivery services are booming because of the virus
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| (Beebies) |
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Italy: Quarantine everyone. South Korea: Test everyone. China: Burn the bodies. US: Give money to bankers. UK: Make sure everyone gets sick as quickly as possible
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Why are you stealing stuff from a Verizon store? I mean it is the most popular carrier, but we all know deep-down that T-Mobile is way better
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| Fri March 13, 2020 |
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Herd immunity is failing
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The Federal Reserve has a master plan to kill the pandemic by drowning it in cash
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Mayor's executive order in Champaign,IL could include banning sale of firearms, ammunition and alcohol. Yeah never let a crisis go to waste,even if your order is unconstitutional
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You can get paid $1,000 to watch Irish films and eat Lucky Charms all day. Unfortunately, Irish whiskey not included in the deal
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"I'm a drunk not a meth head, and if the cops found meth it must have belonged to someone else"
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Working from home is both awesome and horrible
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Egg McMuffin Rat picks the wrong week to try to become a viral sensation, should have tried sniffing glue
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Man walks away from Kent, WA coronavirus quarantine. Stock up on apples now before a wall is built around Washington State
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Police use tear gas to break up college party, prevent couch burning
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And now, some good news: Alabama toilet paper maker can meet increased demand
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Someone dumped thousands of feet of toilet paper all over a highway exit. Crews not needed as everyone stopped to grab some to stock up
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Photoshop this pole climber
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Israel declares war on coronavirus. The bombing begins in five minutes
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Twenty things to do at home during quarantine instead of banging your head against the wall or bugging your partner for sex
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Smalltime organic hand sanitizer seller on Amazon experiences panic buying: "It was shock and a little bit of panic, a little bit of excitement, and then panic again,"
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Here's your official Work From Home During the Pandemic bingo card
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First confirmed patient in coronavirus talks about surviving Rhode Island. "At one point, he was aware that a priest in protective gear was about to administer last rites"
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This is the worst billboard for drug overdose subby has ever seen
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Thank you for calling America. Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line, and the next available representative will be with you shortly. The expected wait time is *Lenny voice* 42 days
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Irish Coronavirus priorities: Publicans call on Govt to offer specific advice on how Irish boozers should deal with the virus
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Correction: the obvious forgeries in the sky elf pamphleteering museum have been confirmed to be forged
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"Simpsons did it" Covid-19 edition
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Another Republican governor revokes the 1st Ammendment. 21st amendment reportedly nervous now
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On the positive side if you've been skipping gym workouts you're much more likely to not have coronavirus. Way to go
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To distract you from Coronovirus news here is a report on a NOPE getting stuck in the web of a NOPE and fighting to the death. NOPE NOPE NOPE
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Smokin' hot Dayton woman jailed on multiple counts of stealing credit cards, personal belongings, and the Blue Steel
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"I'm excited, but also terrified" Such is the life of a cruise ship passenger that couldn't cancel
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Rewatch the Presidential announcement and count how many people touched the microphone. It's the Trump coronavirus address II, Live @3PM EST (switching threads, continue the discussion here)
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Photoshop this MMA fighter
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They never tested the people on the boat
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Should I go to my friend's party? Work out at the gym? Disinfect my phone and credit cards? You've got questions. Here's some solid information for you
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Illinois suspends public gatherings of more than 1,000 but schools will remain open
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Suddenly, tire. (Trifecta possible today)
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For the love of god, people, use soap
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At The Villages, Florida's largest retirement community which has been likened to a perpetual cruise complete with parties and STDs, residents are looking to go out with a Corona bang
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Trump schedules market crash for 3:01pm. Time to short some stocks (LGT live stream)
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Andrew Gillum goes full "Florida man", and yes meth was a factor
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Sweet meteor of death, at last you've come
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Panic buying in the UK as one man is spotted with a truck loaded with toilet paper
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Alabama has first confirmed case of Covid 19, Governor recommends postponing family orgies for 30 days
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Quarantined Italians sing to one another from windows above empty city streets. Che bella
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Tired coronavirus doomsday scenarios? Need more end of days content? Well you're in luck because Yellowstone is doing something unusual
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If you're a man who wants to pay for your date, there's a right way and a wrong way to go about it. This is the wrong way
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It's official, people are fighting over hand sanitizer at Walmart
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| (Some Guy) |
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U-Haul offers free storage for displaced students
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Old Guard Q-Anon followers are very upset about a young upstart calling himself "Baby Q", who claims he IS Q, or rather Q is is his future self travelling back in time to warn him of future events, because that makes them look CRAZY
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Ted Cruz's self-quarantine ends. Fark: Interacted with second patient, goes right back in
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Dank of Oklahoma faces federal trademark infringement lawsuit from Bank of Oklahoma. Dude, like, there are more important things right now
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Pandemic Perks: They're out there people you just have to prioritize .... oh and watch your back
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At least one NBA team will be finishing their season
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Not condoning your actions, Ms. Daycare Worker, but I understand
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The Internet can't save us from loneliness in this Coronavirus pandemic ...or can it it? Let's find out together
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Are your boomer parents/grandparents not taking the coronavirus pandemic seriously? You're not alone
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Suddenly, wheel
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Caption these young researchers
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Life-like sex doll with implanted human hair leaves people 'certain it's a real person'. In related news: Some people can't tell the difference between rubber and human flesh (possible nsfw content on page)
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Utah Jazz have tested over 75% as many people for COVID-19 as the CDC has
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"The Who" Postpones UK tour, unclear why this didn't happen Tuesday just after they announced the pandemic
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The Madness of King Dalindyebo
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The bad news: CDC models that 1.7 million Americans may die from Covid-19. The good news: the CDC hasn't been right about anything with regard to this outbreak yet
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NYC Mayor de Blasio says the city that never sleeps remains open for tourists, as long as you had no plans to go see a Broadway show, go to a museum, go to the opera, go to a sporting event, eat out, visit a dirty subway station
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Bad: Your mom asking Facebook for coronavirus advice. Worse: Jared Kushner asking his brother's father in law to ask Facebook for coronavirus advice. What does that make us? Farked
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Relax everyone - Betty White says she is fine, hopefully is being kept safe in an underground bunker
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Augusta National refuses to admit white people
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Massive 'David' statue topples at cemetery, flaccid penis still missing
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Spain declares State of Emergency after over 1,050 cases pop up in a single day (possible nsfw content on page)
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Here's what might happen If London (or any other major city) had a coronavirus lockdown. Surprisingly, nothing in the article about going to the pub, having a nice cold pint and waiting for this all to blow over
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Michigan approves $600,000 to demolish green goo site. With WTF pic that could have come from the Simpsons
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Peach Bottom facing charges after accidentally firing gun in church. Oh great now butts of fruit are dangerous
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Canada considering raising the drawbridge and filling the moat with rabid beavers
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California deputies remind shoppers not to call 911 over line-cutting, it's Lord of the Flies for that guy trying to escape from Sam's Club with the last roll of toilet paper
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NY AG orders Alex Jones to stop selling fake coronavirus treatment products, probably because they're too high in alcohol
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New York City supermarket shoppers react to a possible quarantine in the usual calm manner you would expect from anxious A-type personalities
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Photoshop this swinger
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Why some people are not buying into the coronavirus paranoia ...and are certain they won't catch the virus. Call them optimists
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UK health minister: Right, we're not banning events because our Step One is give 60% of our population coronavirus. Step two is -- wait, why are you complaining?
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Australia's home affairs minister has tested positive for coronavirus. He has just returned from a trip to the US where he was photographed in bigly proximity to Ivanka Trump and Bill Barr
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Florida Man barred from posting cute cat videos due to lawsuits
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Social Distancing: The dos and don'ts
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NHL gets cancelled, what do Canadians do?
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"Can you imagine a more effective way to spread a respiratory virus than sending one or two family members (children) off to mix with hundreds of others, having them return to their families in the evening, and repeating that process every day?"
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It turns out that if you want to naturally shorten your lifespan, all you have to do is move closer to a fast food restaurant
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♬ Welcome to the Hotel California. Such a lovely place (such a lovely place) / Isolation space / The governor's seizing the Hotel California / It's necessity (it's necessity) / For a quarantine... ♬
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Get ready to party like it's January 20, 2017
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........and nothing of value was lost, since you can't even sample their marginally almost acceptable product due to back-assward Kentucky liquor laws
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Signed Salvador Dali print discovered in N.C. thrift store. Well that's just surreal
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23-year-old Darwins himself with TikTok tractor stunt
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Miami-Dade and Broward county school superintendents make the most Florida decision ever
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| Thu March 12, 2020 |
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My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris' sister in respiratory distress at All Saints Episcopal Church last night. I guess it's pretty serious
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Where is your god now, Joel?
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Because we all need a little injection of joy right now
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Prime Minister Trudeau's wife has tested positive for coronavirus, eh?
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Televangelist Kenneth Copeland is now healing his flock through the TV. That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works
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Needs cheese and pepperoni on top
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Man sues Buffalo Wild Wings after drunk security guard makes his day extra spicy
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He was found guilty of 'official misconduct,' but the real crime is looking like he does, and wearing a bow tie anyway
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Sorry folks. Park's closed. Mouse out front should have told you [Update: Disneyland, DisneyWorld and Universal Studios]
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Three teenagers completely fooled when a opossum plays a totally-unprecedented trick on them. Stupid tag is almost breaking under the weight of this story
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I think we all knew those conferences were just giant orgies
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| (Some SUV) |
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Photoshop this 2020 Ford Bronco into a more exciting environment
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It's worse than Ebola
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- . .-.. . --. .-. .- .--. .... . -. -.. . -.. ... - --- .--. (Florida makes it legal to delay delivery of telegraph messages)
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"Hello, stockbroker? Please buy 1,000 shares of PornHub"
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After an evening of hanging out together, drinking and smoking meth, a woman stabs her male partner in the throat and torso, then tried to choke him with a tie. The reason? He wouldn't go buy some more METH. Obvious tag, no meth tag available
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J.F. Sebastian's home can now be your office. Miniature replicants, Roy Batty sold separately
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Well, that didn't take long. US Soccer would like to apologize for its earlier assertion that men deserve more money than women because they have more skills and responsibilities. Will return to previous argument of "we just want to pay them more"
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And the starting bid will be $5,000 for this car. bghe bheaeg gheddd do I hear $4,000 for this car? rtoytr rtuo gadjag. Do I hear $2,000 now? bghag bahg yes, we are aware the cars are on fire.... Do I hear $1,000 for this car now?
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'Super wolf' the size of a lion killed after it unleashes a terrifying rampage on quiet Russian village. No word yet of any bitten villagers howling at the moon, but silver bullets are being polished up just in case (possible nsfw content on page)
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✔ cough ✔ Seattle resident ✔ Stage 4 metastatic lung cancer ✘ coronavirus test for you
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In Tennessee, people spray their kids with disinfectant so that they don't catch coronavirus. Also works on skeeters
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Bob Iger assures Gov. Gavin Newsom that Disney magic extends to stopping the coronavirus from spreading... and nevermind it's closed
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Everyone else officially eliminated from the NCAA tournament. Duke sucks
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Dear Comcast, Verizon, AT&T, and other ISPs, you know what would be nice? Yeah, if you lifted usage caps because so many people are going to be working from and quarantining at home
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WHO: Let the dogs out
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Photostop this starry shoe
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Live Nation loses $1.8 billion in one day over coronavirus cancellations, or roughly the individual service fees for about 25 Pearl Jam tickets
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Oh, bollocks
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French mayor defends holding massive Smurf rally despite Coronavirus spread, possibly in bid to garner attention little-known Smurfs such as Gaspy, Sneezy, Fevery, and Collapsey
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Ohio suspends 1st amendment. 21st amendment still intact. For now
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𝅘𝅥𝅮 Manitoba, where the COVID comes sweeping down the plain / Where the crazy tweets can't compete / When the fear comes right behind the rain... 𝅘𝅥𝅮
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Chet Hanks releases official statement on his father's Coronavirus: 'No worries mon.'
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Gov. Cuomo bans gatherings of more than 500 people in New York to fight coronavirus. Shouldn't be a problem for the Mets
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Florida Man in McDouble trouble
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Bourbon, tires and rims and I'm back in jail agin
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Ireland's closed. Drunk leprechaun out front shoulda told ya
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No need to panic everyone, we've got this COVID-19 thing under control. Just look how many people the CDC has tested this week: 77
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Joel Osteen prays that Jesus will stop the coronavirus. But, just in case Jesus isn't listening, everybody stay home because he apparently took some time off back in the 1940s
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Bad: People with COVID-19 may be contagious for two weeks before symptoms appear. Really bad: People with COVID-19 may be contagious for five weeks after symptoms have vanished
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Florida man uses rectum to kill one, sicken five
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Ciao, boobies
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Drop the coronavirus news for a moment and find out how many Labrador puppies can fit in one bucket
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| (Some Guy) |
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Cattle semi rollover I-44 West at Joplin, over 100 head of cattle. For one, I didn't know cattle could drive, and what happened to the rest of the cattle?
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For the first time in United States history, the New York City St. Patrick's Day parade has been postponed, so anyone barfing on the LIRR next Tuesday really will be sick
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Norway Down: This is news, and not the script for the next film starring Gerard Butler,Morgan Freeman and Cole Hauser
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| (Some Guy) |
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Greece deploys warships to Lesbos to stem invasion
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| (Some New Wave Guy) |
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On this week's serving of 80's post-punk, new wave, goth, and shoegazy goodness, it's Dave Ball, Freur, That Petrol Emotion and more. Come hear what terrestrial radio doesn't sound like on PastFORWARD #124. Starts @ 1.00PM ET, LGT streaming options
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If you happen to see beefy, hairy guys dressed like Rob Halford out on the town a little early this year, there's a reason why
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Corona Virus hooks up with the Trudeaus. Subby is jealous
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If you're the parent who sent your kid to middle school with a bag of THC-laced candy to hand out to its classmates, Commerce City, CO police would like to have a little chat with you
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Boris Johnson to chair emergency Cobra meeting today, during which he is expected to approve moving to the "delay phase" of the coronavirus response, and pull the dead possum off his head to reveal he was Zartan all along
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This is CBS NY, the Coronavirius Broadcast Studio
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Shopkeeper thwarts would-be robber by throwing a pot of chili in his face. To make it even worse, there were no beans in the chili
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The pizza table you never really asked for. Some assembly required. Lousy instructions and Allen wrench included
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The burial pits Iran is digging for its COVID-19 deaths are big enough to be seen from space. Of course, the roads, buildings, and cars in the picture around them can also be seen from space, so this might just be one of those clickbait headlines (link fixed)
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Sorry, folks. Capitol's closed. Feverish, wheezing congressman out front should've told you
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Man with coronavirus boards plane from New York to Florida. Quarantine-arity ensues
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Australian hospital staff realize Tom Hanks could use some company in quarantine, make the obvious move
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| (Some Guy) |
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Doctors say you shouldn't put frozen potatoes in your anus. But what do doctors know?
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Old & busted: YOLO. New hotness: No-Lo, as young drinkers shun alcohol for no-or-low alcohol beers, leaving Gen-Xers & Millennials to ask: what's the point?
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Uber says they may suspend accounts of their drivers and riders who have coronavirus. MAY??
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Beauty queens, upcoming albums and tours, and high-effort, low-yield theft are all on the Fark Weird News Quiz, March 1-7, Socially Distant Edition
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Coronavirus is destroying the sex party scene. Yes hands off orgies will not become a thing
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Photoshop the surface of Mars
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Seattle flu study starts testing flu test samples for Covid-19 and find positive results that date from before the first known cases in the US. Reaction from CDC and FDA: STOP TESTING
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Watch how the markets reacted to the speech from President Pandemic-Recession
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"The virus does not have a Twitter account and, unlike so many previous Trump foes, is resistant to political bullying or Republican Party solidarity"
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Amid nationwide shortages, you can still find some hand sanitizer for sale at a NJ 7-Eleven. It was made by the store owner, and it caused severe burns on a couple of kids who used it, but still
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| (Some Guy) |
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Thousands of ravenous monkeys swarm Thai town after coronavirus drives tourists away
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Oh, this is why we don't have as many confirmations for coronavirus: only select people are getting tested
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If COVID-19 is already spreading, instead of bothering with expensive and inconvenient containment, why shouldn't we just let it go and be done with it? Three words: "Flatten The Curve" (with explanation and helpful chart)
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World's happiest DUI suspect performs song and dance routine during field-sobriety test, shows off nipple rings to arresting officer
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British student sent home for selling hand sanitiser at school. His mum said that "it was hard to discipline her son when his dad called to say he was a [expetive deleted] legend, and that her son plans to use the £9 he made to buy a kebab"
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Where is your Hunky Jesus now?
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 775: "Melancholia". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed March 11, 2020 |
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Holy carp! Perhaps people should think twice before swimming in a lake
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We have to protect ourselves from COVID-19. To be safe, let's just stay home and cook. Hey, look, mushrooms for dinner
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Florida man strikes again. This time, he's naked and throwing rocks at cars
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Nebraska head coach Fred Hoiberg falls ill during B1G Basketball Tournament, taken to hospital (Original has video of head coach being ill, asst. coach feverishly applying Purell) [Update: released from hospital]
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Italy shuts. down. everything
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Man convicted for stealing $2 million from school district after sending email claiming he was from construction firm. District also sent money to three Nigerian princes and now has a ton of boner pills
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First spud stacker was super tuber farmer; eyes peeled for later tater donater
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NBA. Book it. Done
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Brexit finally pays off as the UK is the only country in Europe that isn't banned from travel to the US for the next 30 days
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Saving Mr. Hanks
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Not The Onion: School bus to house black history museum for Utah
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Another really sad thing about the Coronavirus, rich people are doing rich people things to deal with it, like buying "survival condos"
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Coronavirus: I'm not saying it was aliens...but it was aliens
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US heart surgeon regularly travels to Libya to treat children lacking care. Not a huge story but one that needs recognition. Bonus: Farker's friend is part of the team that does this
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Fark NotNewsletter: Kentuckians and their peculiar hoarding priorities
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Photoshop this high tech pasture
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Flint is currently in violation of the Federal Safe Drinking Water Act. You don't say
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Enormous robber crab steals $4,000 thermal imaging camera on Christmas Island heist
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| (Some Guy) |
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Here's an idea, let's tell convicts that there's no escape from the Coronavirus threat for 2 million of them crammed in prisons. Surely nothing can go wrong
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The articles that best combine funny and sad are the ones where people ask you to congratulate them for their utter cluelessness
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Volunteers offer to support those in self-isolation as a result of the COVID-19 virus, however, Boomers will be horrified to discover these volunteers are ... young
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During the 1918 Spanish flu, Philadelphia held a parade anyway, causing its per capita death rate to be double that of St. Louis, which canceled a parade. St. Louis 2020: let's reverse those responses and see what happens
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Artist creates National Park posters based off their worst Yelp review
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Your mother and I have made-up our minds, and you are going on this cruise, girl. We got you some Lysol wipes and the all-you-can-drink package too, baby
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Duke Sucks
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Seattle tech billionaire powers activate Form of: Coronavirus test kits
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Wanted: Unknown Cow
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Uhh... it's cuz people gotta wipe their ass? Did we really need a whole article explaining this?
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After almost a month, the last of the temporary hospitals set up in Wuhan for coronavirus victims has closed due to no longer being needed
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Viruses fear soap like an unarmed terrorist fears a helicopter full of Navy Seals. And for roughly the same reason
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Photoshop this hotel in Amsterdam
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The 2020 Fark Fiction Anthology is open for subs. And cruisers and destroyers, too, I guess. This is your Fark Writer's Thread, naval-gazing edition
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Faith-healing service cancelled due to coronavirus fears. Jesus apparently unavailable for comment
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This teacher is tired of your s**t
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Typhoid Matlock
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| (Some Guy) |
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The Edge observation deck at Hudson Yards in NYC officially opens to the public. Now you can release your vertigo on the highest outdoor observation deck in the Western Hemisphere
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Remain in Mexico remains, the Supreme Court says so. Know what I'm saying?
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Man gives blurry, Loch Ness Monster-esque photo to media, immediately admits it's a fake
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Telling the police that you love them and trying to kiss them is apparently frowned upon. Who knew?
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Man riding stolen bicycle decides he wants a better bike
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Think wearing gloves will reduce your risk of catching coronavirus? It will, if by "reduce" you really mean "increase"
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Russian military: Oh just testing to see if you were paying attention
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Caravan park owner arrested for dangerous driving tries the old 'I told my chauffeur to step on it as I was having sex in the back with some bird and I didn't want my wife to find out because we'd only just got back together' line. Classy
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Young boy gets left behind after class trip. A story just like the movie Home Alone. Only Kevin is now three, and "home" is a RODEO
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The World Health Organization on COVID-19: Everybody pandemic!
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First they came for my 'throwaway culture' and no one stood up because they all were in piles of old, obsolete cell phones
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Corona, corona, corona, William Shatner's horse semen in the news again, wait back up one
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One plus side of coronavirus, empty NYC subways for the homeless to take midday naps in peace
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Woman who hit 87-year-old German lady with her purse and called her a Nazi seems surprised by hate crime charge
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Chinese officials say they'll have coronavirus vaccine ready by April for emergency situations and clinical trials. You go first
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Insurers to wave treatment fees for Covid-19. Coffins and funerals still expected to be pricey
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Weinstein gets 23 years. May as well keep the walker since he's really going to need it by the time his sentence is up
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Remember when you could cut records out of the back of cereal boxes? For younger Farkers, remember records?
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Sleep tight, you 25,000 attendees of a Toronto mining conference: Canada's latest positive coronavirus patient also attended it with you
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Coronavirus does what neither Matthew Broderick nor Harrison Ford could do: shut down Chicago's St. Patrick's Day parade
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Louisiana couple steals $1,000 worth of beer, planned on having a helluva party later that night
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A look back at the hilarious time CBS tried to recreate Lord of the Flies with real kids. "The ultimate best time of my life"
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That is a new low Florida Man. Well maybe not a new low, but a lower low
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University of Dayton cancels classes due to coronavirus. Students celebrate with a riot
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FDA stops foreign inspections, hopes India and China will provide high quality drugs and medical devices on the honor system
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Snorting cocaine is not going to protect you from Coronavirus, say health officials because apparently some folks thought this was the case
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this tragic situation
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Dog rescued from the wilderness by the aroma of sizzling sausages and bacon. Your dog would have submitted this as a wonderful Woofday Wetnose Wednesday thread if you hadn't changed your Fark account password a few weeks ago
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Vaping can turn your lungs into a coronavirus condo
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...and here we have our first example of 3 TSA screeners being infected with Coronavirus -- and then, presumably, passing it on to every other bag they touched, those passengers, those airplanes, and those cities where they were flying
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| (Some Guy) |
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Here you go Farkettes, a list of things to wear to the bar if you want the Farkers to stay far away
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Red is the rose / Purple's the iris /
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Japanese men are wearing women's panties on their faces as coronavirus masks because why not
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Washing State governor bans all gatherings in greater Seattle with more than 250 people (concerts, sporting events, etc.)
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Most people play paintball against their friends and coworkers. Montanans are about to start playing against grizzly bears
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Coronavirus Conference Cancelled
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Sorry Ladies, D.C. Sniper Lee Boyd Malvo is off the market
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USDA approves school meals without schools
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Pastor who took the "laying on of hands" too literally is back in the pulpit
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Hope you had your fill of Vegas buffetts because they're gone as of now over coronavirus concerns
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| Tue March 10, 2020 |
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The mortality rate for COVID-19 in Italy is over 6%, with 631 deaths and 10,000 confirmed cases
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UK health minister Nadine Dorries goes viral
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Wow, the budget has been cut big time for the next Avatar
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And now for something completely different, John Cleese's silly walk is 6.7 times sillier than other walks
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Are you one of those folks who has a thrill seeking personality, for whom significant risk of personal harm is a prerequisite for arousal? Cruise bargains are here for you youngsters, subby has a cloud to yell at from his Coronavirus isolation booth
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Apparently the camo didn't help
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Photoshop this arbor
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Florida family stuck in denial. No seriously, they are actually stuck in the Nile
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Doctor when the patient is being discharged: ¨Don´t worry sir, you´ll recover in no time. You might experience some minor discomfort but that´s just because we got some scissors stuck inside your stomach. Nothing life-threatening, trust us¨
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Coronavirus - the everything summary
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How NYC strip clubs are handling the covid outbreak. With possibly the best Corona graphic you'll see all year
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Harvard University to students: Get out
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NY Governor Cuomo announces increase in covid19 cases and you know he's serious because he's using his "expression of serious alarm" face
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Youth hockey coach from Adam Sandler's hometown goes full Happy Gilmore
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Photoshop this otter-ly adorable um, otter
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Research finds fathers playing with their children is one of the best ways to keep their daughters off drugs and their sons off stripper poles
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Kindergarten teacher donates kidney to mom of former student, both say they hope to escape the hospital before catching coronavirus
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| (Some Guy) |
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Article about Olive Garden poor management of sick employees gets the company to offer paid sick leave faster than it takes to get more breadsticks
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Woman uses hand sanitizer to clean out entire apartment building, killing all viruses and one person
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Librarians and drag queens and protesters, oh my 🏳🌈
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Cruise ships are tubs of contagion partly because sick passengers are the Doc's lucrative side hustle when he's not giving ladies "a tour of the ship"
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28 Weeks Later II is not filming in NY, however the NY National Guard is deploying to New Rochelle to set-up a containment area probably not for zombies but they always say that
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When an arrest goes wrong in Wisconsin it can hurt. He's got my d*** spray him, spray him already
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Bride-to-be leaves her wedding dress inside her SUV and assumed no one would ever want to steal a Kia Sorento or her dress. She was wrong on both counts
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Coronavirus has hit the Lesbians
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We have 10 days. EVERYBODY PANIC
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| (Some Guy) |
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Iran digs mass graves for its 27 alcohol poisoning dead that tried to cure themselves from coronavirus
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$4,500 and all the corona I can handle --- sign me up --- wait, wait, WAIT, that's not a beer, THAT'S NOT A BEER
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China will shortly be launching a public education program on how to correctly show your gratitude to the Party and to President Xi for correctly managing the COVID crisis
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You would think that if God really hated LGBT people he would give the coronavirus only did them
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Pope Francis, up on his podium, sacrifices his priests to the Coronavirus minions
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Lawyers for Harvey Weinstein: OK, so maybe our client did rape and harass a bunch of women. But I think if you'll take a minute to consider how far he has fallen in the public eye, you'll agree he's been punished enough already. We good?
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How to clean your smartphone the right way you filthy, influencer-infected humonculi
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