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| Sun December 29, 2019 |
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Build the Paywall! Build the Paywall! Build the Paywall!
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Normal deer: Chomp chomp run run hop hop. Baltimore deer: Knock knock no one's home through the window I will roam
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Photoshop this ferocious tiger
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Hearst heiress' Hampton home in hellish holocaust
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♫ Just another shoot-up Sunday, wish it were Monday ♫
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Oy
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Photoshop theme: A prediction of the 2020s
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When your kid says they are going to start some fires, farking stop them
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U.S. sees highest number of mass killings on record. And there you were, hoping vinyl would come back in style
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"Ah, I love a military parade. The tanks, the guns, the missiles." "Wait, I didn't know we had missiles." "Oh, crap"
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Samoa lifts state of emergency over measles epidemic. Unfortunately, you're still only able to get Do-si-dos and Tagalongs in spots
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Gravity is the tinfoil hat that cliff-side hikers wear to keep Tlazolteotl out of their brainwaves
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Doctor accused of 25 murders is suing the hospital where he used to work for defamation
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Photoshop this ponderer
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This week on CSB Sunday Morning: What's the most memorable New Year's Eve celebration you've ever been part of?
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Sydney decides it doesn't have quite enough fire already
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Headline of the Year 2019 Final Voting - your one-stop shop to links to all nine voting threads. Everyone can vote! Enjoy the best Farking headlines!
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Paging Mr. Cool Ice, Mr. Cool Ice, please report...we have a new and awesome tattoo thread
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Today we are going to test the myth that it is safe to park in the Mission district of San Francisco. Myth busted
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Uruguay seizes $1B worth of cocaine hidden as flour. That's a lotta bread
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As the climate changes, will more towns opt to uproot and move to higher ground like the small town in this tale?
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One of the most anticipated columns of the year: Dave Barry's Year in Review
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Jesus, aliens, a baby alligator and a planet made of drugs: The most Florida news article ever
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Jim Beam fined in massive bourbon spill that killed fish. Delicious, delicious fish
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Urine trouble: Peeing at night costs the United States' economy billions
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That awkward moment when QAnon actually manages to take down a bad guy
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This three-hour tour didn't end so well
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| Sat December 28, 2019 |
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Grand theft ambulance
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Seattle Public Schools to parents: Get your damn kids vaccinated by the end of break or get your home-school materials ready
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Bus driver rescues toddler wandering around the middle of a busy intersection despite not having exact change
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Pro-Tip: Keep your gun secure and unloaded when you're at Victoria's Secret. Not a euphemism
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And the 2019 winner of the Just Because You Can, Doesn't Mean You Should Award goes to...
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A look back at 2019, the most bizarre year in history
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That's one way to keep people from passing a school bus on the road
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Pro-plaguers shut down immunization event in Nevada. Seems like Russia has weaponized American idiots
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Photoshop this merry woman
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Police face down "hostile chicken" menacing local pharmacy customers, get pecked viciously in the process of apprehending the foul fowl
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So apparently Phanfone is not a new app
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Man kills family, thanks NRA for making it possible
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Photoshop this airborne belly flopper
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America's most unlivable city is somehow America's hottest home market
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Took a minute to realize it wasn't part of the video
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Won't someone think of the people who suffer from noisy gas-powered leaf blowers?
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Charlie McGee, Tuskegee Airman, centenarian, and retired Air Force colonel with 409 combat sorties in three wars, promoted to Brigadier General
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It's 2020, where's my flyin...oh...cool (possible nsfw content on page)
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"Ring ring." "Who's there?" "Lawsuitshark"
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Mother Nature realizes she forgot to give the U.S. a really nice winter present, makes up for it with a "coast-to-coast storm system"
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The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus (possible nsfw content on page)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this smiling street sweeper
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| (Some Wiener) |
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Be on the lookout for a person or persons buying large amounts of mustard
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For the brave men and women of the New York City Fire Department, they often go above and beyond to show that every life is worth saving. And one lucky kitten is here today because of it, just in time for Caturday
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| (Some Well Educated Guy) |
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"The bottom line of home economics - longer lives and healthier living - is arguably just as rewarding, if not more so, than mastering advance calculus"
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Thai SEAL who rescued schoolchildren in cave dies from blood infection contracted during that mission. Elon Musk to claim he can die faster, cheaper and more douchey in 3... 2... 1
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State of California: See you later, Alligator. State of Louisiana: Not so hostile, Crocodile
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Ever wonder what happens to the Christmas trees that are too Charlie Brownish to get sold?
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People are trying to figure out what to do with Ted Kaczynski's old digs
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Woman assaults husband with multiple weapons in dispute over TV. If ever there were a home in need of two TV sets, it's this one
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Idiot of the Year late contender. Theft 3. Auto Theft 7. Assault 3. B&E 2. Attempted Kidnapping 4. Purse Snatching 2. Hit by Vehicle 2. All done in the space of exactly 90 minutes. People, I present Detroit's most overachieving citizen
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Twelve-year-old designs video game for blind and visually impaired children called "Please Listen," as his school science fair project. In other news, science fair projects are waaaayyy cooler now than they once were
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Crews in Kansas using beet juice to treat roads for ice. Hey, if it works great, but what the heck is beet juice going to do to your car?
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If you live in an area prone to tornados, it would seem prudent to make sure the tornado sirens actually work before the tornado comes. Might have saved the wicked witch if they had been working in Oz
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IceHotel is back, now until April when it flows back into the Torne River
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The words "I really suck at this" was said by A) a baseball player with a career .027 batting average, B) a guy who's ran for elected office 7 times and lost each time, or C) a car thief after failing to break into 3 separate cars
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| Fri December 27, 2019 |
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There are many good fried pickle recipes. This ain't one of them
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Louisiana trying to claw back almost $2 million in accidental tax refunds they sent out this year. In other news, Bill has a new bass boat and had a lot of fun with it this year
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Pete Buttigieg's plan to decriminalize possession of drugs and empty the prisons will lead to the collapse of society because reasons
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The plans for the building where MI6 has its headquarters were briefly "misplaced" by a contractor during renovation. The efforts of the shadowy S.T.U.P.I.D. organization were thwarted, and the contractor has since been sacked
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You know that embarrassment of going out in public in new clothes that still have the tags on?
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The list that no Farker will want to miss reading: This year's compilation of the craziest "Florida man" stories
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Oh he's dead. He's walking around and breathing, but he's dead
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Never hold the door open for armed robbers, lest you get shot
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Photoshop theme: An improvement to New Year's Eve
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Looks like there'll be no more fun, fun, fun, on the Autobahn
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"Yes, I'd like to order a Big Mac, a number 9 and two 1s. And please hurry"
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FOR SALE: 2005 Honda Accord. 29/37 MPG, 17 gallon gas tank, 2.4 4-cylinder, cement exterior
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Tree beats crane
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Subaru WRX drivers are a bunch of reckless idiots, getting speeding tickets and DUIs more often than any other drivers. But not the Farkers who drive them; they just happen to be above-average drivers
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Fire at fish farm released a bunch of salmon into the wild. Wait, what
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Nevada prison system treatment plan for Hepatitis C: 1) Deny treatment because prisoners "Aren't sick enough"; 2) Wait until prisoners are near death, so they are an exception that doesn't require treatment; 3) Profit?
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Don Imus settles in for a long dirt nappy
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The Beechcraft are flying. The Beechcraft are flying
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If you parked your car in the middle of a pedestrian walkway, police would like to have a word with you
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Your ears are on fire, your warranty is invalid
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Hallmark recalls candles due to risk of fire. You don't say?
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Most people who are driving drunk try their best to conceal their activities until they reach their destination. Then there's this guy
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Dispatcher gives kidney to coworker for Christmas. Not sure how returns would work if it doesn't fit
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Police are searching for an inmate who escaped jail by carving through a brick wall. Subby suggests they start by looking behind his Rita Hayworth poster
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Museum of Hangovers opens in Zagreb, Croatia, where you really can glorify that memorable night out
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Photoshop this fuzzy cow
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Skier buried in Austria avalanche rescued alive after five hours. St Bernard unavailable for comment
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Kevin Bacon is missing
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Next-gen sex toys can hurt you. And that's a good thing, apparently (NSFW)
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Hot sauce recalled over explosion hazard, and not just in the bathroom later
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Please do not use a washing machine to give a 5-year-old a bath. That's what the garden hose is for
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Bride and groom release doves during their marriage ceremony, then one dove plummets to the ground, thereby predicting the likely end of the couple's marriage
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Humans wiped out the great auk, also known as the original penguins. Happy feet indeed
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| (Some Guy) |
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"That fashion accessory is rather ballsy, let's see if it works out for them"
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US base in Korea re-thinking if they should have put the air raid siren button so close to the evening bugle call button
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Mystery Grinch sends NJ family snarky note insulting their holiday lights display ... urges them to 'reflect on your flaws this offseason'
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A whole lot of 'git off my lawn' types these days, 3 in 4 people aren't friends with any of their neighbors
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The meat industry is now claiming that Beyond Meat and similar products will make men grow mega moobs. The joke is on them, most Farkers already sport them
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Caption what this guy is saying to Chewbacca
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52-year-old retired Navy SEAL gets accepted to Yale as the oldest freshman in his class, nervously anticipates being surrounded by crying liberal snowflakes everywhere he goes. The essay he wrote about his actual experience will warm your heart
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Toy magic wands recalled over choking hazards, possibly injure people who were brave enough to...you know
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Advice to drivers: Don't park illegally in handicapped-accessible spot if you have meth in the car
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Hmmmm, tree edition
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Disney cast members in costume as Mickey, Minnie, and Donald Duck say tourists inappropriately touched them. Hey, Duck: running around without pants is asking for trouble
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Ahhh, it's that time of year again: The your (common item) is x times dirtier than a toilet seat article. Today it's the The Sun with your car's steering wheel (possible nsfw content on page)
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Apparently cyclists cursing while delivering Chinese food is enough of a problem in the UK that it was banned
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"Already this morning I have killed a fox with a baseball bat. How's your Boxing Day going?"
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Elon ruins Christmas. Again (possible nsfw content on page)
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In their effort to better the world after stupid Boomers ruined it, Gen Z has invented living with roommates
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A look at the moment that placenta eating went mainstream. Whatever. I'd moved on to more obscure organs a long time ago
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Viddy well, little brother - the must-have fashion accessory for 2020 is the codpiece
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Tennessee boy rewrites Two Front Teeth song
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Photoshop the Old Man of the Lake
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Florida man steals truck, threatens another driver, leads cops on the most Florida chase ever
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The dangerous thing about allowing for mass paroling is that there aren't enough agents to supervise their release and ensure they're caught and sent back to prison when they reoffend
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Fark NotNewsletter: Hope your voting appendage is ready for Fark Headline of the Year final round
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Airline forces a 10-year-old to remove a snake t-shirt for fear it could cause anxiety
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70 year old busted for shooting in Beaver, twice
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This 10-bedroom mansion in Upstate New York can be yours for $50K with one catch: You need... wait a second, didn't I see this on "American Horror Story"?
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Although Kazakhstan is glorious country, it have problems, too: economic, social, and airplanes
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Still celebrating the success of Frozen II, Olaf crashes his Lamborghini into someone's garden
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China executes man who set fire to karaoke parlor, killing 18. When asked why they didn't sentence him to life in prison, judge remarks "I did it myyyy wayyyyy"
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For the love of God, Ms. Faith. Yes, for the love of God
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| (Some Guy) |
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A man comes into the place you work at and asks to borrow a defibrillator to help someone who is having a heart attack outside. What do you do?
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Getting your wife's attention is getting harder and harder these days, but this should do it
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| Thu December 26, 2019 |
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This is why your kid needs an 80" TV
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Texting and driving? That's a ticketing
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Vegan influencer is now a hunter-gatherer teaching people to kill animals. Of course some people have a problem with this (warning: dead Fark mascot pic in article)
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H-e-e-e-e-r-e's Jason
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Boy from Six Lakes found dead in one of them on Christmas
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A small detour: Missing couple last seen on Christmas Eve found safe three counties away
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop what someone would find in your tackle box
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Woman discovers who her secret Santa is when the box contains a blue screen of death
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Fifteen years ago today 220,000 people learned what Boxing Day was
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Model train enthusiast opens home to the public. No mention of frozen imitation crab meat (video)
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I thought everybody was down for shots on Christmas
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Your dog wants Funyuns
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Hopefully the knife used by a cook, who stabbed another cook, was eventually washed before being used to cut your veggies
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When you spot a man outside of your apartment who you believe to be high, do you: A) leave him alone, B) call the police, or C) approach him, declare you're God, and fracture his skull while trying to "heal" him
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Time for the annual list of one-in-a-million slip-and-fall accidents
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Funny, this usually happens AFTER having Wild Turkey
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop what could possibly be the problem
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The MTA may only have 30% of stations accessible, 100% that smell like urine, and 120% of with delayed trains. But at least public beautification is coming back
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Big tech companies say they don't have to comply with new California laws because hell hasn't frozen over yet
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Two women sue Frontier airlines saying that on separate flights, they were each sexually assaulted and airline staff didn't contact the cops or help them gather evidence. Frontier says "giving a shiat about you" is only available in 1st class
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When a manger is unavailable, an interstate highway will do
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As more and more children continue swallowing magnets, lawmakers think maybe it's time to go full Warren G and start to regulate
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Remember the husband from that Peleton commercial that received all that mockery? Guess what he got his real-life girlfriend for Christmas
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2019 will be remembered as the year that rampant, unchecked ageism against Baby Boomers became acceptable in mainstream culture
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University in India to offer course on how to treat people possessed by ghosts. Jinkies
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Today is Boxing Day. WTF is that?
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Well, sir, there's nothing on earth like a genuine, bona fide, electrified, six-car gondola. What'd I say? Gondola. What's it called? Gondola. That's right, Gondola
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Putin orders raid on the office of anti-corruption leader Alexey Navalny, with police forcing their way into the office in the most Sith Lord way ever
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Naysayers always coming up with reasons why difficulties arise in a marriage with 50-year age difference
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Study shows kids with dogs have a lower chance of becoming Christopher Robin
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♬ Under the sea, Under the sea / Strip-mining's better, Down where it's wetter, Take it from me / Up on the shore they work all day, Monitored by the EPA / While we be sailing, Dump toxic tailings, Under the sea ♬
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And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say - that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day
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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Fark, the servers were whirring 'mid spilled Maker's Mark. When what to my wondering eyes should appear but the Fark Weird News Quiz, from ox45 beer
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"It's a miracle. It's a God-given miracle. It's a Christmas miracle. For them to walk away, I just want to say to God be the glory that they were able to walk away." Hmmm, Subby thinks the seatbelts was what actually saved them
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"Steve, you can't just drive down the road in a skyjack drinking beer"
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Love is a burning thing and it makes a fiery ring
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Country club leaders struggle with what to do about the discovery of over 40 rectangular depressions in the 7th fairway of the golf course, which were identified as graves of slaves. Unique sand traps?
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Couple calls 911 after mistaking roomba for intruder. Cops shoot the thing after it makes threatening moves toward them
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Nursing home boss defends their Christmas dinner of purée de pommes de terre au fromage served with fèves au lard de tomates in an avant-garde presentation style. Better known as beans and mash slopped on a plate. Go visit Grandma and bring turkey
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Photoshop this lovers' quarrel
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American Revolution re-enactors replicate Washington's famous crossing of the Delaware. Said one participant: "We are happy to have brought this great event to life, while at the same time guaranteeing our virginity for all time"
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Refusing to be outdone by the F-35, Russia unveils new jet which can stay airborne just as long
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Jerks start beef at Beef Jerky Outlet
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Many elderly people in Japan turn to crime because prison life has community, health and eldercare support they just can't get living alone at home
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According to prosecutors, at the time that Michael Avenatti was attempting to extort Nike, he was at least $15 million in debt due to owing money to attorneys, former clients, a former law partner, two ex-wives, and a partridge in a pear tree
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U.S. Dept of Defense awards Boeing a $400 Million contract for engineering work on the latest bomber airplanes. Apparently the people at the defense department don't keep up on current events
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U.S. military now telling soldiers not to use home DNA kits. Predictably, DNA testing companies are wringing their hands, telling everyone that their products are super safe, and they would never share your info. Fark really needs a "sigh" tag some days
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Small Italian town lights up the world's largest Christmas tree ... for the 38th year in row
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Not news: Flint residents told to not drink the water. New news: Bottled water. Fark: From FEMA
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 764: "Seasons' Greetings 12". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed December 25, 2019 |
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I see your dog chasing cat up tree with both getting stuck, and raise crews rescuing cat, owner from tree
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Strip clubs donating tents to homeless with their logo on it. Too bad they didn't donate all the clothes they didn't need
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Looks like U.S. troops are heading back to Syria
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Sappy enough to melt your Purple Heart
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It's all fun and games until you puncture someone's spleen
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| (Some Space Nut) |
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Official proposed U.S. Space Force logos just plain suck. So let's be part of the solution and create a serious logo that a cap trooper would be proud to wear
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Three weeks ago a Florida man paid off past due utility bills for 36 families for Christmas. Finds out the World Wide Web really is World Wide
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Twitter bans the use of animated PNG files after folks decide to commentate Epilepsy Awareness Month with rapidly flashing images
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But I would drive 500 miles And I would drive 500 more. Just to be the one who drives two thousand miles, So I can drop this dog off at your door
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| (Some Guy) |
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American Airlines CEO: Adding more seats and shrinking passenger space has been a great success. Actual AA passengers: We disagree
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As much as I usually enjoy saying "I told you so," perhaps this time not so much
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Tag is used correctly, for once
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Following the devastating April fire, rector says there is a "50% chance" that the Notre Dame cathedral won't be saved
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Man survives bushfire hiding in pottery kiln. You could say...he's fired
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Merry Christmas all you Farkers. Did you get what you want for Christmas? Did you get visited by three spirits? Did you play a good Santa Claus to your children? Did you attend a religious service? Enjoy the holiday and take it easy
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The first time you walk into a bar naked it might be funny, but the second time you walk into a bar naked it's definitely criminal
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Photoshop Theme: What Santa is doing now that his one night of work is complete
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| (Some Guy) |
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Watch these excited shelter dogs running to pick out their very own Christmas presents. Welcome to this Christmas Edition of Woofday Wetnose Wednesday (w/video)
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Amazon delivery driver suffers an overwhelming degree of holiday spirit. Declares, "Packages flattened while you wait"
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Local sheriff's department arrests Grinch, no really, Grinch. Extradition to North Pole pending
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The Christmas story in Britain is all about fog and frost, to be followed by momentary sun and Boxing Day floods
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Grandma now charging for Christmas dinner. Maybe it's to pay for being run over by a reindeer
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Enterprising police department is now delivering bait packages, fishing for "porch pirates." Units will be flying the "Jolly Roger" on squad cars that nab a pirate
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Penis shaped ice rink unveiled in Siberia
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"In five hundred feet, turn left onto Donner Party Avenue"
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| Tue December 24, 2019 |
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"He sees you when you're speeding/He knows when you don't brake/He knows if you've had a few/So don't go over .08. "
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We have for you a mass transit option that can be brought to a standstill by a) a pencil; b) giving the general public access to the brakes; or c) farking hell, on the day before Christmas you know farkin'-A well it's both
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It's like Santa Land Diaries updated for L.A
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How did your God get into my contract?
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Better dust off that walker, Harvey. The Los Angeles DA is investigating eight new cases of sexual misconduct
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♫ You better watch out, You better not cry, While Santa Claus is robbing a bank ♫
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Photoshop this upscale dining room
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Sometimes, to get things done, you've got to go the extra mile and just do it yourself. And make some beavers homeless
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Oh wow, man, like I forgot what I came here to get
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Uh, that's no sleigh (possible nsfw content on page)
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From steel town to town of tinsel
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Ironically, he'll be the one spending the holidays being put in a box
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Who among us hasn't gathered together a few dozen of their closest friends, blocked off an interstate highway, covered their license plate with a "Fark the Police" sign, and done donuts for 5 minutes?
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Tractor trailer carrying car batteries catches fire, creating negative impact on PA Turnpike's holiday traffic. Truck towed to terminal. Driver not charged
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Photoshop this timeless Christmas office party
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Wausau Wisconsin city council meeting: hey guys, I feel like maybe our police resources can be better utilized than arresting children for breaking our "no snowball throwing" law
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See? Spelling counts. Otherwise, you might make a typo on the side of 10,000 new garbage cans the county just ordered
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I've had it with these motherfarking stowaway snakes on this motherfarking plane
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Author of "End of Times" releases sequel, featuring a wholesome American couple on the run from the law, a dead ex, another dead ex, missing children, doomsday prepping, cult membership, self-declared prophet status, and a partridge in some tree
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The Kommissar isn't the only one who vanished
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Who has fog this time of year? Chicago has fog this time of year. Who has planes stuck on the ground? Chicago has planes stuck on the ground. Planes on ground, weather unsound, special night, canceled flights. Must be O'Hare, must be O'Hare
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"Many bags look alike, please verify that you have the correct bag before leaving the area" (NSFW)
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Man is found guilty of disorderly conduct for mooning a woman. Claims his freedom of speech was violated. Protests as you might expect. Bonus: woman he mooned is Subby's fiance
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'Obvious' tag doesn't begin to cover this
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County plagued by BB gun vandalism incidents. It's only a matter of time before someone's eye gets shot out
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This looks exactly like the kind of guy that revs up the engine of his lawn mower at all hours of the night
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| (Some New Wave Guy) |
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It's a very protein Christmas: alternative xmas favorites and some...less than classic cuts. Hear what commercial Christmas radio doesn't sound like, it's a PastFORWARD Family Christmas on PastFORWARD #113. Starts at 1.00PM ET, LGT streaming options
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Russia's warm winter has led to a snowless Moscow, plants blooming out of season, and a bunch of sleep-deprived and presumably very pissed off bears
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| (Space Force) |
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NORAD has been tracking Santa Claus for over 60 years. Maybe this year they'll finally get him
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Attention Iowans -- be on the lookout for a graffiti vandal, possibly in their late ones or early teens who's now on Santa's naughty list
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They are awesome for doing this, but it would be great if they never had to do it again
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| (Some Demon) |
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Hey, Charlie Charlie, is "Aggressive Satanism" a worldwide problem that will kill us all?
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Now Christians are filling up crop dusters with holy water and spraying communities from the air. There's no way anybody could misinterpret that, right?
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San Francisco cafes are banning disposable coffee cups. Henceforth, customers will have to carry their coffee in their bare hands
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Firefighter torches his own SUV after it was stolen and recovered because minorities might have used it. Wait until he finds out what fish do in the water
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Podcast Xmas Edition: presenting the History of Fark - Part 1. Pull up close to the fire and listen to Drew tell the tale of Fark at the dawn of the Early Web
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Suddenly, I know human anatomy VERY well
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Photoshop these airline fuselages
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Anyone know where this can guy can get a card that says, "Merry Christmas, Daughterwife"? (possible nsfw content on page)
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You know how all those spaceships in Star Trek use touch screens for everything? Yeah, turns out that doesn't work so well in real life
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That crazy racist lady in Iowa is still running into "Mexicans"
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Old, hot air: People going on like a broken record about climate change. New, chilling: More than 120,000 weather records broken in the US this year
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Which one of these Santas is bring Drew the beer he deserves? (possible nsfw content on page)
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Here's a list of the animal that's most likely to kill you in each state
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School bullies use old tuna-melt-in-the-face on vegan classmate, and the school considers Vegan Kid to be the problem
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Guy shoots three in definitely, for sure, trailer-home invasion. Story didn't sound fishy at all
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Someone in Wasilla AK is hiding notes in new toys: "HEY KIDS, Santa is Fake, But Jesus is real"
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If you have a Spectrum Home Security system, there is a fair chance it hasn't worked in a while
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Last ones to leave Little Bay Islands, please turn out the light
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| Mon December 23, 2019 |
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Two "porch pirates" arrested with stolen packages. About 100 packages were found in their van. Only about 10,000 more "porch pirates" to go
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Three Minnesota judges throw out "revenge porn" law, because, well, Minnesota
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Obstetricians grapple with whether to use marijuana during pregnancy. Well if it was good enough for the conception
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Man on scooter tries to outrun police, all the while trying to ditch pills, heroin and meth. Chase ends when scooter finally falls over
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Let's drop balloons full of free gifts inside a crowded shopping centre during Christmas shopping. What could possibly go wrong?
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Texas is getting ready to ring in 2020 in the most Texas way possible. By setting a fireworks stand on fire
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California charity provides safe and legal space for homeless living in their cars to overnight. No snark, just a nice story about helping people who might either climb up or slip farther down from where they are
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Toddler appears to be a few moves away from defeating the Grim Reaper at chess
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Ohio postal worker arrested for trying to put the "zip" into ZIP Code
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Suburban school admits to plagiarizing winter newsletter
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It's like the Council of Nicea...except Communist. So closer to Thomas Jefferson, I guess (possible nsfw content on page)
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Photoshop this ugly-ass baby rhino
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Tonight it's Paul's Memory Bank's Christmas Eve Eve show (8PM ET). A mixture of traditional and pop songs until things go off the rails in Hour 2
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Florida man finally getting his shiat together
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Well, technically, unless Officer Carmo here is in fact an extra-terrestrial, that's just HUMAN strength he displayed, just a whole farking lot of it
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Spanish Kent Brockman wins lottery on live TV, immediately quits. Fark: Turns out to only have won $5,500
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According to a new survey, New York City is the rudest city in the country. And dammit you friggin' putzes, we like it that way
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The city of Saint Paul plans to give every kid free college money. Well, about an hour's worth anyway
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I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause / under parasitic mistletoe last night
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| (Shelby Star) |
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NC man accused of killing his wife with eye drops. Clearly, she didn't see it coming
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Old man says: "get off my apartment hallway welcome mat". Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, does it?
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Your yearly reminder from Obvious Claus about the flammability of desiccated evergreens
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BBC discovers that people who are objectively the most intelligent among us regard "success" differently. Water is wet, BBC...water is wet
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Photoshop this Christmas snorkler
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Out of fears for safety, whistle-blower takes to CNN to tell potential attackers that now is the best time to act
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That's the problem with joining an end-of-the-world death cult; there's no end of the world, but there will be death
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Boston finally figures out how to build affordable housing. Tax the rich
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There are two types of people: those who have been to the Getty Villa and are not surprised by this video, and people who will say "I prefer the statues with bare marble"
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Probably one of the most Alaska (Or Canadian) excuses you've seen in a while
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This is why Subby wants a subscription to NetJets for Christmas
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China attacks US Space Force. Now, are the Chinese in the TIE fighters or is it the US?
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"It's going to be a Tsantanami"
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Mail carrier rescues mail and packages when his mail truck catches fire, saving Christmas for many. And probably a few fruitcakes, which won't burn anyways
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Headline of the Year Voting - your one-stop shop to links for all nine voting threads. Vote early, vote often. Preliminary round voting ends noon Eastern today
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Headline of the Year 2019 Voting Opens for TotalFarkers - Main
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Fark and Schnitt Podcast: It's the most disgusting time of year. Todd and Drew share a Ho-Ho-Horrific fast food drive-thru story
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Can we get a new pair of underwear for the young lad who was on the menu at the Dublin Zoo recently?
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Looks like Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman finally made the decision about who gets to take the official fall for his ordering Khashoggi's murder last year. Sucks to be you, five lower level aides
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Ah, American health care, where a visit to the doctor for a throat swab to check for strep gets you a bill for $28,395.50. Hey, but the doctor's office is waiving the patient's portion, so it's really only $25,865.24
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This man on a swing is dividing the internet thanks to a potential optical illusion. Thank God he's wearing blue and gold
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You know things are getting serious when someone invokes the "on steroids" analogy
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News: Police raid house looking for suspect. Worse news: Armed confrontation results in 19-year-old woman shot 4 times. Fark: The suspect police were looking for was already booked into jail the day prior
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Woman admits to trying to open the plane's door in mid-flight. Why yes, alcohol was involved - before for her and after for the rest of the passengers
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Good news, the Yellowstone volcano eruption is way overdue so we're all living on borrowed time. Also good news for those of us who just want to watch the world burn (possible nsfw content on page)
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Turkey's president says they can't handle any more refugees, and will start killing anyone who tries to enter the country. Admit it, you totally believed that second part
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♫ ♬ Fark, now hear the parents whine, a tag was born today And fark will have another tag, because of Saskatchewan ♫ ♬
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"Subway employees were allowed to make themselves a free sandwich -- but the co-worker made a wrap, which was not allowed." Because this is Florida, you know what comes next
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Predictions for what the world would be like in 2020 are all over the place. They got that right. That wrong. And where is my anti-gravity belt?
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♫ ♬ Zwarte Piet, how I love ya, how I love ya ♫ ♬
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Photoshop this Santa
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Author of "Be Here Now" no longer here. Or now
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Still not feeling the holiday spirit? Maybe these eight hours of vintage department store Christmas music will help. You're very welcome
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"I came, I saw, I died." New paper finds parallels between the seemingly random failures of components in engineering and the seemingly random deaths of Roman emperors
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Germany has a shortage of Santas, Sprockets
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Gunfire breaks out at house party held to honor a shooting victim
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Greta Thunberg takes a shot at the PM down under over the fires; PM responds back. Not sure how one gauges success in this type of Twitter exchange
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The latest thing America has killed off? Lunch
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Tragedy at historic bar, whorehouse at Yeehaw Junction with unexpected intercourse
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You drink da wine of da coconut and then you throw up
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How to protect yourself from an attacking rooster. Step 1: Distract him with snacks. Step 2: Get a shovel. Step 3: Light the barbecue
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Australia is basically on fire. Not portions...the ENTIRE CONTINENT
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Bug bombs are best used in empty buildings. Setting one off in a occupied senior living facility, while making for an interesting day, is a bad idea
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Human remains found in Joshua Tree. Cops say they still haven't found what they're looking for, but they will follow where the clues lead them
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