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| Sun September 29, 2019 |
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♬ Walked out this morning / Don't believe what I saw / A 50 year old bottle / Washed up on the shore / Seemed like I'd never find where it was from / A hundred online Facebook sleuths / Found the writer's home ♬
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We're only making plans for Nigels
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Elementary school cancels Halloween party to "honor the school value of equity and to be inclusive." Some kids and parents have a problem with this
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this embroidery machine
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Washington man needs some TLC after plummeting 30 feet off waterfall
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Police spend two hours wandering around corn maze in search of criminal
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Today's mass shooting brought to you by ... St. Catharines, Ontario? At a grape and wine festival?? O Canada, what's happened to you???
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| (Wyoming News Now) |
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Spraying gas all over someone trying to steal your car at the gas station turns out to be a pretty effective way to get them to go away. Luckily this car thief ran away before any lit matches got involved
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Maybe the air freshener was the wrong color?
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Dairy farmers seen investing in Kevlar vests
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If you left a black doll with a noose around its neck at the Illinois Math and Science Academy, police would like to arrest you
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Photoshop this diver
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These new GI Joe toys look amazing
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As homecoming approaches, the La Farge police department would like to remind students that they need to get the homeowner's consent before toilet-papering local residences
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Thanks to beige diets, picky eating, and aversion to veggies, scurvy is back on the rise
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Stealing your grandmother's van and taking it on a 30 mile joy ride is bad. Being only nine years old when you do it is worse
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Objects in mirror are closer than they appear
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And Lorenzo's getting laaaaaaarger
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Photoshop this geothermal energy worker in a geodesic dome
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CSB Sunday Morning: Ever been locked out of something or maybe locked in? What are your stories?
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It's always hard to drive in windy conditions
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Meanwhile in Hong Kong ( as seen from a tall building )
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September 29th, the day we celebrate the most important invention in history: coffee. Here's where you can score the best deals on National Coffee Day
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"Hackers" stream porn movie for hours to screens above shoe store. Article is useless with the pixelated video
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Storm brewing in the western Rockies could drop up to four inches of snow. I'm sorry, I meant feet. Four feet of snow
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French Spiderman caught climbing a building that is only 42 stories tall
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If you're going to illegally dump a load of trash on a city street, don't get caught on video, especially if you're driving a City of Philadelphia trash truck
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| Sat September 28, 2019 |
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The corpse on the bus gets stiff stiff stiff, stiff stiff stiff, stiff stiff stiff when left overnight
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I'll try some bean dip. Hold the meth
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Viking funeral, Florida-style
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Antioch trolls vegans, PETA
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Photoshop this art exhibit
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Headline raises more questions than it answers: "Navy divers destroy WW2 bomb found in 17th Century warship"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Oversized jawa breaks into bar at 4 AM on a Thursday, does $1,000 worth of damage in order to steal $75 worth of liquor. Police looking to find his identity, whereabouts, Fark handle
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♬ ♫ And everbody's sayin' that there's nobody meaner... Than that little old lady near Pasadena... She's gotta little Sharpie for a calling card.. She's the terror of Colorado Boulevard... ♫ ♬
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Photoshop this unamused cat
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Well, to be honest, that bong hit really WAS the bomb. Just sayin', dude
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Do you know how fast you were driving, mister? Go sit in time-out and think about what you did
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Snap crackle duuuuuude
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| (Some Bird Brain) |
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That horrific birdpocalypse? There was a coordinated media campaign to hawk a conclusion that may have been a bit of ostrich. It's not a cardinal sin or ill eagle, but publicists made the ornithologists look stork raven mad, and should eat crow
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Orangutan granted human rights moving to Florida to retire, possibly write memoir
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| (Some Guy) |
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Caption this scene at the library
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Let's just make it easy for the FAA and agree to never set foot in any plane that starts with a "7"
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Oh, the huge manatee
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Lawsuit settled after Malaysian flag in Kansas mistaken for American flag with ISIS symbols
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Photoshop this 1965 catalog cover to make it appropriate for 2019
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Dr. Leon Advogato, a lawyer from Brazil, is ready to take your case on Caturday
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| (Some Guy) |
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There's nothing funny about a clown standing in the moonlight
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Guy applies for a job, inadvertently puts on his resume that he has a "G.E.D. in biochemistry." HR worker thinks that's Facebook-worthy. Applicant believes that's lawsuit-worthy
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Airline flight too stuffy? Fellow passengers farting too much? Just roll down the window or open the door
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Woman pumping gas receives a boot to the head from a deer. With "You got cervid" video
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$1,600 worth of bras stolen from Victoria's Secret. Police are hoping to bust these ladies
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Pop quiz, hotshot. The hot air balloon you're riding has just lost its pilot. What do you do? What do you do?
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Free advice: It's best not to adjust the gun in your waistband while watching a football game with your friends
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White Claw drinkin' Florida woman learns that rhyming legal advice is not always accurate
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Princeton graduate who murdered his father for cutting his allowance gets grounded and sent to his room for 30 years
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Subby going out today to buy Jennifer Lawrence figurines
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Let's see what $800k buys you in San Francisco VS what it buys you in Texas. Of course if you bought the McMansion you'd have to live in Texas
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| Fri September 27, 2019 |
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There's the sinus headache, and there's the migraine headache, and there's the bullet lodged in your skull headache, and there's the tension-----wait a minute, go back one
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The moral of the story is, always buy the extended warranty. Or else
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Today's "Naked man on the airport tarmac" brought to you by Birmingham Alabama
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Federal judge to Trump: "Just because you tell me it is night outside doesn't mean it is not day." In addition, please don't micturate on her lower appendages and call it atmospheric precipitation
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He should have claimed he was drunk when he accepted plea deal
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Coach-class minion has the audacity to try and use a first-class bathroom on cross country flight, gets arrested for being out of class
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Cameron Strang, the son of influential Christian magazine publisher Stephen Strang, is stepping down as CEO of his own popular progressive Christian magazine amid accusations of sexism, racism and losing the green time stone
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This is a strong woman, a beautiful strong woman. The world is a much better place because of Marcia Nelson and people like her. Organ donation is so very important, please consider being a donor and telling your family
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Protip for aspiring pizza delivery robbers: Don't use your own phone to make the order and lure the driver like this genius did
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Australia, where pulling monster snakes out of people's homes is a daily occurrence. NOPE thanks
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Photoshop this dining room with an expansive view
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Look at me from your car, while both of our cars are stopped at a red light? That's a murderin'
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Residents fighting to keep Evangelicals out of Sanford, possibly because Lamont suspects another scam
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Pet owners in Australia could be fined up to $2,700 for failing to walk their dogs, which is hardly surprising coming from the place that gave us Hitler
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Hey, everybody, my mom just had a column published in the Guardian and...ah, jeez, she only used to overshare at Thanksgiving
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A Florida deputy has been placed on leave after a woman reported that she gave him oral sex at a homeless camp while he was on duty. His defense is that all he did was watch her masturbate in a tent
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Protip: If you work at the drive thru window, always make sure the customer's order is right. And also, don't take front and back pictures of the customers' credit cards
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The main question: will the final list of eateries include Taco Bell?
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Anyone who has ever worked in retail will feel her pain. Especially if they'd been out all night drinking the night before (possible nsfw content on page)
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Man pulls emergency switch after falling in shower. Neighbor comes to locked apartment door and calls 911 after hearing screams for help. Then things get bad
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Apparently, New York has prisons on the moon
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Photoshop this Cyclomer
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Now that Saudi Arabia is open to tourists, you can visit famous airstrike craters, see where journalist murders were planned, and walk in the footsteps of 9/11 hijackers
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Islam is on the decline in Iran, with women leading the way. In other news, Persian women are hot. Yes, literally, but I also meant the other way
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U.S. Air Force Airman pulled a person from a flaming car, served on a Presidential security detail, helped rescue Thai kids trapped in a cave, and saved the lives of both a SEAL and a baby. No, not all on the same day. But it's still impressive
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Too much fun headline of the day: "Major party foul closes N.J. highway ramp after beer truck couldn't hold its liquor"
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Right out of Shakespeare's Winter's Tale, exit bride and groom, pursued by bear
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China demands to know why everyone blames them for hacking, according to statement by Zhao');DROP TABLE students;--
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Russia seizes 262 Best Korean fishermen and 30,000 illegally poached squid. Hopes for their release depend on Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un agreeing on some kind of squid pro quo
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"Hey girl, here's my penis." - "Hey boy, here's mine" (possible nsfw content on page)
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Black Hole Star Shredder is the name of my new Star Wars punk tribute band
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Let's review the times when it is NOT helpful to call the police: A. When you're black. B. When the meth you purchased is fake. C. When the hooker you hired steals your wallet
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Todd powers through a colonoscopy and a 16-hour day while Drew lays out plans for the weekend now that Kentucky's speed limits have been declared unconstitutional. Plus all about Truck Stop Florida Woman and Camel Testicles
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Used leather armchair for sale. Very low price, mostly because several months ago the cushion got soaked in maggot-infested blood. But don't worry: A little saddle soap will make it just like new (possible nsfw content on page)
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Des Moines Register: Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?
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Beer, ravioli and a hot pink thong. Boy, a fella could have a pretty good weekend with those
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Jesus didn't take the wheel
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On this day in history, in 1938, U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt appealed to Hitler for peace, a tactic which might have changed the course of history had he not begun his missive with "Listen, you one-balled smarmy c**ksucker"
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Farker is going to the butt doctor. What entertaining thing should they draw or write on *that* area to amuse the doc?
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Further testing of the vapes that made people sick reveals that yes, this problem would have been mitigated if people had access to a legal, controlled marijuana market
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. . . and if you believe that, Washington State DOT has a bridge to sell you
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Even Satan can't stand the Westboro Baptists
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Vintage ads containing children have to be wholesome. Have to be, right? Righhhhhttt
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Pope urges Silicon Valley to avoid slide to new 'barbarism,' possibly fearing the rise of Cyber Conan and the Techno Vikings
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Researchers encourage scissoring for health benefits
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Bakersfield sheriff has a plan for the homeless? The Dickens, you say
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Well, that's convenient
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Getting a job in a jail + helping a woman escape + getting caught and going to jail + getting out and hooking up with your ex + getting drunk + fighting + thinking you've killed her + hiding out in the woods is no way to keep your leg, son (possible nsfw content on page)
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Skydiver dies after crashing into truck after jumping out of her plane. Which again proves why people and trucks should not be skydiving together
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Photoshop this alien gathering
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WWII veteran celebrates 100th birthday at bowling alley. Even better: Bowls a 140. Fark: He hit 200 as recently as April
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Highway construction company fined $445,000 for: a) industrial manslaughter; b) gross constuction faults; or c) farty smells?
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Deer can now not only cause you to wreck your car, but can also give you tuberculosis as well
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"When asked how many Nazis she had killed or helped kill, she demurred: 'One should not ask a soldier any of that.'" So, a lot
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This arrest is the GOAT. No, really, it's a goat
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Baggage handler accused of stealing $300K in cash released on $80K bail. truly a mystery how he had that much cash available for bail
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Old and busted: Get off my lawn. New grumpiness: Stop moving my rocks
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STOP. Squirrel time. Pulaski's Best goes nuts
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Someone turned Greta Thunberg's UN speech into a death metal song 🤘
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South Korean mayor makes sure there will be plenty of trash on the beach for "Clean-up Day"
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Yeah um, Pizza Rat is still the BOSS of Gotham town Nutella Squirrel. Go dumpster dive somewhere else
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San Francisco residents pool money to cover their sidewalk in anti-homeless boulders. City officials vow to sanction them. No, the other kind of "sanction"
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Think you've felt bad buyer's remorse before? *Brazilians* were disappointed in this dumb purchase
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| Thu September 26, 2019 |
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Well, Grand Blanc DOES translate to Great White. So maybe it is Nazism
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Military PX says - Vaping = bad. Enjoying the smooth flavor of 100% Virginia grade tobacco in your T zone = Good
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Get your motor runnin', head out on the highway, lookin' for adventure, and the jerk who stole my wallet
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Der Spiegel goes to Drew's Jungle Lair. Danilo holds Fark Party in Bogotá. Drew unavailable for comment
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How about them apples?
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The Wiscasset police department has a standard procedure for old ladies who drive through walls -- file a report so she has to take a road test next license renewal
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Photoshop this bird watcher
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Spilled milk isn't worth crying over, but thrown milk can get you arrested
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| (Some Guy) |
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Walking in to work like
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Tailgating driver Airdrops message that he doesn't like being number two
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Photoshop this flower hopper
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As attack drones multiply, Israeli firms are developing defense systems. But can they defend against an incoming third useless election there?
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Four-foot python found under back porch in Milwaukee, will soon become giant bratwurst
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Japan Airlines introduces seat selection tool to avoid sitting near infants
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Why frequent fliers are the devil. Signed, some author who lives in the middle of Europe and doesn't have a passport
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Sacramento McDonald's installs an outdoor anti-loitering siren. Let's see how a drive thru customer likes it
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A drone drops a bag of marijuana and other contraband to an inmate in an Ohio prison. Also narrowly misses scoring three points in cornhole
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Woman with garden shears prunes a little more than the overgrowth of lover's willy plant during bondage sex (don't scroll down if you're sensitive about blood)
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| (Some Guy) |
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36 years ago today, Stanislav Petrov saved the world
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"And on that note, we, for one, would like to welcome our new insect overlords," the [Philadelphia Police] department quipped
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And the world record for longest nail extensions goes to the lovely.......dude over there. Uh
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Judge rules paralyzed man is a flight risk and must remain behind bars
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Match.com played games with fake ads. FTC announces lawsuit. After settlement, claimants can fill out a form to receive _____
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Hurricane Lorenzo oiled up to a Cat 3; expected to move north into the middle of the Atlantic
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Who wants to ride this record-breaking waterslide with Subby?
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Utah Booze News podcast tackles White Claw, stripper pasties and a tavern inside a grocery store. Then it gets, no, this is already weird
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Wanna make friends at a wedding? Wear a dress that looks like a HOO-HAW and see what happens like this woman did
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Father, aunt arrested after toddler is found on roof of home. Speculation of how a toddler gets on roof to the right
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$300,000 goes missing on flight at JFK airport. Authorities searching for Jimmy, Tommy, Carbone, Frenchy, Joe Buddha, Johnny Roasbeef, even Stacks Edwards
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"Hey shoplifter, is that a suspicious package in your pants or just your 10 inch penis?"
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Harrisburg is a safe city, except for 1/3 square mile area that has had 88.88% of the city's homicides this year
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| (Some Sweetie) |
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Photoshop this moon walker
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California, here I come, to set your hills on fire with my lighter gun
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Jacques Chirac, who knocked Iraq hawks, now defunct
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Freemont, CA. Police Department soliciting bids for a longer Extension cord
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15 things about life in the U.S. that are super not-normal. Come for the circumcision, stay for the rehearsal dinner. List fails though without the Electoral College, medical bill bankruptcy, and school shootings
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God and religion didn't save my baby from cancer. Medical science did
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Off-duty cop tries to stop off-duty cop from speeding. Off-duty cop pulls out gun and shoots off-duty cop. Off-duty cop/
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Never bring a samurai sword out on GARBAGE DAY
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Why you shouldn't kill the spiders in your home, by 100 spiders swarming a keyboard
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Truck driver cracks up and scrambles 136,000 eggs. Tired of coddling bystanders that were poaching the eggs, hard boiled cops said they would fry for it
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Giant sink-hole swallows parts of US-2 in Michigan. Since it is a Michigan road it's surprising that anybody noticed
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Tip to the DA: when they ask you why you're in the county jail, go with robbery or public urination or anything but I pissed off the judge by violating a gag order I knew about since January
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Donte Slash and Abraham Shears arrested in connection to deadly knife attack
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 751: "Software Hootenanny 9". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed September 25, 2019 |
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It's important to remove all belongings from your shopping cart before leaving it at the cart return area. Especially your baby
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With sea level rise looming, Dutch government plans to reinforce the Afsluitdijk, adding more concrete, possibly more consonants
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On this day in history, in 1775, Ethan Allen is captured by the British, who were in control of the city of Montreal and no doubt wanted some high-end stylish furniture and home accessories, possibly decorating design services as well
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Airport gets in trouble for showing underage landing strip on Twitter
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Woman rescued after getting stuck on top of crane in Seattle, showing yet again why Frasier always had that smirk
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Math question. A hot dog stand owner writes a check for $531 and drops it in the mailbox. Two days later, it comes back to him as a $6,300 cashed check. Why are Americans still having to write checks?
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Cop lucks out with Costco's buy-one-shoot-one-free special
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Ancient sippie cups discovered in Bavaria. The real news is that they weren't filled with beer
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A different kind of house boat
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this beverage
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Irish fisherman strikes gold, catches monster 8ft tuna worth almost €3 million. Well kinda struck gold, he let it go
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New Zealand university student found dead in his dorm room. Fark: TWO MONTHS after he died
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Boris Johnson says the best way to honor Jo Cox - the pro-Remain MP who was murdered by a pro-Brexit ultranationalist - is to... wait for it... "get Brexit done"
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Sorry officer, I'm late for work and don't got time for that
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Once I snorted you, now I die from you, this tainted coke you've given, I give you all a boy could give you, take my life and that's not nearly all...tainted coke, whoa oh oh tainted coke
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'Person planning to float to Kentucky on log rescued from Mississippi River'
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Alexa, what's the weather today? Currently it's 75 degrees with a chance of showers later today motherfarker, did I stutter?
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Oh, that's just Mickey Mouse heading down the row of urinals to stand right beside you and let you know he's a vegan now
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this man ahead of his time
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Florida man dies after rousing rendition of "You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel" on I-95
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Signs stating "Islam was right about women" cause intense A: outrage from Muslims B: outrage from women C: confusion from everyone
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Edgy standup comic pleads guilty to burning down local synagogue. Whoops, my bad, it was a homeless guy who immediately realized his error and tried to spit on fire he set. Well, they look alike
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"Now here's the pic of my wife and me at the beach. Here's Billy hitting a home run at his baseball game. This is the homeless guy I set on fire. And this one is little Susie at dance recital. Doesn't she look cute in that tutu? What?"
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I have no idea what you're talking about, so here's a beautiful Nordic woman summoning cows with an ancient herding call
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Mont Blanc is losing a lot of its blanc. This is the worst Match Game ever
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🎶 Last night a DJ stole his wife 🎶
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Tropical Storm Karen to meander in Atlantic for days, possibly demanding to see your supervisor
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Retired trooper suing for his right to take a gun into an Iron Maiden concert is not afraid to shoot strangers, having seen the evil that men do and knowing that if you don't run for the hills, you gotta be quick or be dead
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There are better things to hydrate you than water. Please let it be whiskey. Please let it be whiskey. Please let it be whiskey
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For the last time, there are no hitmen on the internet. Also, if you've been expelled from medical school, trying to have the person killed who said you were expelled is simply bad form
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Couple ecstatic to receive wrong package in mail
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Man caught with 1,000 marijuana plants tries to convince police they're peppermint plants
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Just because Native Americans performed liver surgery with the "Native American scalpel," doesn't mean that you should try it today
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Doorbell camera shows coyote charging at girl in her front yard. Girl runs away yelling, "Meep meep!"
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Man visiting Disneyland Paris takes LSD, falls into a lake, and emerges confused and naked hours later. Officials at Disneyland Paris were just thrilled someone came to visit
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Weird food concoctions, Classic TV, and old books are on this week's Fark Weird News Quiz, Sept. 15-21 Jerky Edition
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Area man raises $1 million to support charity. We better dig through his old tweets to make sure he didn't say anything bad
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Trying to wean yourself off the stupid thrill-seeker selfie craze? This should do it
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This is how to train your cat to be a dog
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| (Some Fronts) |
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Photoshop this Vintage Hen
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Daisy the beagle proves that motherly love has no boundaries when she becomes a surrogate mother to two kittens. Welcome to this week's Woofday Wetnose Wednesday
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Protip: If you're a cop and are responding to a call of a man lying down in the middle of the highway, please drive carefully
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Drunk couple? Check. Stumbling into neighbor's backyard? Check. Public sex? Check. Florida? Oh that's a big 'ol check
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The joy of divorce parties
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The Army posts ad looking for corpses and frozen body parts
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| (Some Guy) |
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Thailand becoming the most liberal country in Asia when it comes to marijuana
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The Rt. Hon. the Baroness Hale of Richmond DBE, President of the UK's Supreme Court trending. Because of yesterday's big announcement? Nope, it's because of her brooch
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Performance issues with Washington Monument's newly upgraded erection system blamed on mixed signals, mishandling, and inexperience, according to Mike Litterst
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"We need to move the road over a few feet." "Should we move the utility pole, too?" "The what now?"
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Tree company prunes stranded pilot from top of tree
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Coast Guard intercepts cocaine submarine, in an octopus's garden, in the shade
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| Tue September 24, 2019 |
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Non-celebrity rich person gets four months in prison for USC admissions scam
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Sweetly maddening miraculous beatific benevolent overlord and savior of mankind wishes you would take it easy on the adjectives
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Karen doesn't care about your useless "earthquake". Also, she's sinking into a bit of a depression
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Generalísimo Francisco Franco to be still dead somewhere else
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Help bring awareness to the plight of the elusive human-sized squirrel. It may sound like acorny hoax, but would a nut be able to offer a $1 million reward for proof of the murrel's existence?
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Get in loser, we are going clowning
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Fark NotNewsletter: Is it autumn or is it fall? Either way, it's not camel-biting season
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| (Some Gun) |
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Photoshop this sticky situation
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The worst part of America's Opioid Crisis is that it can cause some people to go from codeine to blow
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Women, robots, space stations.... Best. Moon Mission. Ever (possible nsfw content on page)
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Reckless dad who bungee jumped while holding his 2-year-old daughter on the backlash he's facing: Was that wrong? Should I have not done that?
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Brooklyn has been invaded by Teletubbies for some reason
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New Jersey's most dangerous water park generated five to ten ambulance trips to the hospital per day, and now there's a documentary: Class Action Park
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Florida man checks out of hospital, has condition downgraded to 'immediately struck by car'
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Photoshop a cleaner version of this pool
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Amid wars, natural disasters, and acrimonious politics, let us take a moment to revel in this man's world record tortilla toss
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Apparently, bath salts are still a thing
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Freeway shut down in Avocado Heights as tanker truck overturns, frustrating commuters who claim it was perfectly green just minutes ago
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Bad: Intense heat and drought in western Spain have caused water levels at a reservoir to drop precipitously. Good: They found a new "Stonehenge"
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Confession in "Making a Murderer" killing. SURPRISE TWIST: confession is from someone other than the two convicted for the murder
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You can't enter Heaven unless Jesus enters you. Lube up, buttercup
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The greatest inventor of the 21st century is a 9-year-old girl who put cheese into a lip balm tube so she could snack on it in class (w/pics)
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On this day in history, in 1969, the Chicago 8 trial opened, eventually proving that you can't get justice in a courthouse but you can sure have some fun if you turn it into a funhouse
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A painting of Channing Tatum's scrotum has sold for more than $6,000
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93-year-old WWII veteran gets to fly on a B-17 again
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Couple accused of abandoning adopted daughter claim she is actually an adult posing as a child and was trying to kill them
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Apparently, blue lobsters are so rare, they just keep netting them in Maine
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Subby can't decide if there's a "replace all" error here or if the suspect's actual surname is "ICAL-Quip," so she's asking Fark to decide
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For personal protection, experts recommend a concealed: a.) handgun, b.) knife, c.) avocado
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You can be a Sexy Beyond Burger this Halloween, driving the Food, Geek, and Entertainment tabs batty
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Dolphins go on bizarro hippy crack-style bender after 'smoking' a puffed up puffer fish
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So how did you celebrate your Chicagohenge?
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Wedding guest pulls knife, threatens to rape and kill everyone at reception, is really committed to his Dothraki cosplay
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Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, it's off to work to endure tourists who scream, punch and even grope we go
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this classy chassis
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It's the 30th anniversary of the Labradoodle's debut; let's hear from the breeder who created them: I released a Frankenstein's monster. The majority are crazy or have a hereditary problem. Why people are breeding them today, I haven't got a clue
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Russian Navy vessel attacked and sunk by rogue SEAL. Wait, sorry, large walrus. Don't scare us like that, dugong it
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Now that is an interesting strategy, claim self defense after you murdered a man who you say confronted you while you were intruding in his home
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Need a halloween costume? Why not go as a can of sexy White Claw? In other news, this article is not a paid advertisement for White Claw...maybe
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A study in Navy
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Things hitting Puerto Rico: hurricanes, paper towels and insults thrown by Trump, and now 6.0 earthquakes in hurricane season
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Redondo Beach Pier will say goodbye to an ancient arcade at the end of the year. Santa Cruz and Santa Monica piers still have their arcades -- and vampires and murderous dopplegangers
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Court rules that hangovers are an illness. Subby expects to use a lot more sick time at work
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Identical triplets born on Palindrome Day. WOW
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Utah man has a problem with someone smoking too close to his place of business, tries to extinguish their beef
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New book explores all the animals that tasted so good we ate them into extinction. Mmmm, carrier pigeon
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Must have been one of Amazon's grave shift workers, or dead beat driver, or fill in the blanks ____________
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Let's see...two vaginas, plus two wombs, equals four babies?
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Chanel Miller, woman assaulted by Brock Turner, speaks out publicly for first time. If you're reading this as an anthropologist 1,000 years in the future: This is a feminist hero, not a designer; Brock Turner is a rapist, not a Zoolander character
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Protests erupt outside Gates Foundation over human rights abuses, which oddly do not involve Windows ME
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Kids learn how to grow food at preschool's community garden. Also learn how to set up produce stand and sell homegrown fruits and vegetables to neighbors. Learn even more about how city government feels about illegal produce stands
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Nerf sub-machine rifle is basically an operational crowd-control device for toddlers
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Relax, the Orlando cop didn't arrest a six year old and an eight year old. Fake news. It was two six year olds
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You may think you're having a bad day but then again you haven't been put on a volcano so you'll get hit by lightning as an offering to Incan gods
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Now that scientists finally have proof that the Loch Ness Monster is real, let's move on to the more terrifying mythical monsters from around the world that haunt the tabloids and keep them in business
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Photoshop Jake the Jackdaw
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Meanwhile, in Detroit
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The Triple Play on Paul's Memory Bank continues tonight at 8PM EDT. The end is in sight for Stan Freberg's show but My Favorite Husband and Superman are still developing their characters
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Think the police can be trusted to just give you a soda when you're in standoff with them? For Florida Man, the results were shocking
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Fifty years ago Paul McCartney didn't die or did he?
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"Blinking Guy" finally outs himself to the Internet who created him by using his own meme to raise money online. Fark: For a ride to help find a cure for MS
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Nuclear tomb leaking radioactive waste from the Enewetak atoll in the South Pacific has a 'rude message' for mankind beneath its crumbling shell
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Add bottles of dry shampoo to things you shouldn't leave in a hot car
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So just how DOES a Muslim pray in space when they see 16 sunrises a day? And how do they find Mecca from orbit?
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Cows sneak into brewery to claim what is theirs
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From a completely unbiased study that was backed by a completely unbiased group, marijuana is killing people EVERYBODY PANIC
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If you were looking for an easy-care houseplant that makes its own fertiliser this is your lucky day. Small downside: it eats sheep (possible nsfw content on page)
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Woman awarded damages after her same-sex partner develops affair with her sperm donor who has now undergone sex change. The Aristocrats?
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"Arrr, and next up on me Sports channel, can the gulf pirates win the 100 meter plank walk? Find out after these scurvy messages"
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Brisk walks can help ease pain after surgery, though presumably not after a leg amputation
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Photoshop this photo of a woman going into a bathing machine
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This is fine cosplay has gone a bit too far
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I read the article, and I still have no farking idea WTF this is all about, and why anyone should care. More importantly, why is a grown-ass woman writing about what teenagers are doing?
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The myth of money =/= happiness floated for years by angry, bloated, boomers might not be correct after all. Millennials last seen furiously texting Capt. Obvious
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Old and busted: Hot Girl Summer. New hotness: Clown Boy Autumn
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I'll take "Inadvisable Hobbies" for $400, Alex
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In another case of "You can take the person out of Florida, but you can't take the Florida out of the person," it turns out the camel that was bitten in its balls will be okay because the ball-biter "didn't have any teeth"
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Woman, 19, attacked elderly relatives after being denied "more than her fair share of tomatoes at the dinner table," cops say
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Man scares the bejesus out of his best friend every day for a year, edits all the clips into hilarious supercut
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Rural America outraged over influx of young people who could revitalize their dying towns
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FEMA manager is about to get an earful
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You don't spit into the wind, you don't tug on Superman's cape, and by god you leave the Deliverator alone when he's on a mission
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"And whoever does not take up CrossFit and follow me is not worthy of me" (possible nsfw content on page)
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Ouch. It's 100º in the shade. All the way in the shade (possible nsfw content on page)
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Atlantis is real. Narwhals, not so much, say Brits (possible nsfw content on page)
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For shiats and giggles, some folks decided to crash test a golf cart. Never do 31mph in a golf cart
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Firefighters help deer in tank. Although, if a deer's already got a tank, it probably doesn't need anyone's help
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'911 what's your emergency?' 'Our school bus driver reeks of booze and is running red lights'
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Florida man, charged with his 12th driving with a suspended license offense and his fifth felony DUI, auditions for Ultrabrite toothpaste model
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On this day in history, in 1779, John Paul Jones issued his famous "I have not yet begun to fight" declaration, which came as rather a surprise to the British ships whose asses he eventually kicked
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I thought I had made it when I got into Cambridge. Then I realized it's full of rich kids and I'm still working class
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Man shot dead after attempting a Clark Griswold inspired robbery. To be fair, his gun could have broken the skin and caused a very bad infection
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Climate Activists protest cars by blocking traffic in D. C. while drivers use more gas getting to work by being held up in blocked traffic
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How do these massive asteroids keep sneaking up on us and whizzing right by? Evil minds who just want to watch the world burn must be at work watching this stuff
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Naked man sets off package at Manchester airport because Manchester (possible nsfw content on page)
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Welcome to your fall body. It's like your summer body, just, you know, fatter. And -- gah -- pale. Oh, wait. That's your normal body? OK, carry on then
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Thousands of tarantulas migrating across Colorado roads hoping to get lucky
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"We can't hurt them, and we can't destroy anything they own. But we love vomiting on them"
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Photoshop this window dressing
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Folkestone really know this but it's the kinkiest place in Britain, hosts bondage event in local cafe (NSFW)
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Couple's smart home gets hacked. "Their camera began talking to them, and their thermostat reached upwards of 90 degrees"
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Scroll, scroll, wait for it... wait for it
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ISS live feed captures "triangular UFO" "hovering" over Earth, leads the tinfoil hat crowd to believe it's part of the U.S. Space Force that has already been implemented (possible nsfw content on page)
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School recess for two third graders turns into impromptu McDonald's field trip
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The true cause of the measles crisis? Idiots
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US military briefly expressed a sense of humor by @ing a picture of a stealth bomber to the Area 51 raiders
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Grilled buzzard. It's what's on the menu
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Man grateful his organ is functioning again
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It's a helluva rock show when the rolling stones come to Billings
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