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| Sun September 15, 2019 |
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Swooping magpie hits cyclist in the Wollongong
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Car stops: Ric Ocasek dead at 75
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A look at the cheapest home in San Francisco, which for $600,000 gets you...not much
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Photoshop this raccoon poking out of a car
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Take Your Daughter to Work day takes a turn for the Florida
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| (Some Guy) |
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Theme: Design a T-shirt for your favorite college
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Police forced to use tear gas and water cannons to deal with protesters in Hong Kong. And by "forced" we mean "gleefully thrilled"
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Woman fights to keep her emotional support monkey. And her emotional support monkey. And her other emotional support monkey
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In an effort to reduce their nicotine addiction, and look cooler, vapers are turning back to cigarettes
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Have you ever dreamed you did something and it turns out it really happened?
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Breaking into houses and stealing women's panties is no way to go through life, your Honor. That will be fifty dollars and time served
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The big one? The game changer? The whole enchilada? The straw that broke the camels back? The match in the powder barrel? A bridge too far? The end of the road? The last lick? The final stroke?
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Catholics are on the way to another schism
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Dear Generation Z: that existential dread you're feeling, better get used to it. It's called a "cold war" and it's what your parents grew up with, too. Signed, Generation X
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Tropical Storm (soon to be Hurricane) Humberto changes mind, decides to head back to sea. What are we supposed to do with all these Sharpies now?
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Photoshop what's hiding in these trees
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17-year-old girl traumatized from A) being in car accident, B) being attacked by wild animal, or C) finding mould in her orange juice?
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Ballet dancer stars in real life version of The Nutcracker after being told she's too drunk to fly
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"We're definitely not a cult" says member of Sydney midnight running cult
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The rain in Spain has farked up the terrain
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Weekend at Bernie's gets weird
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Have you ever hung up the phone with a stranger after accidentally saying "love you" instead of just "bye"? How about live on radio?
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Rogue instagram post advertises unsanctioned "teen glow party" at roller rink on family night. What could go wrong?
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| Sat September 14, 2019 |
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Get your cow tools ready; The Far Side is coming back
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Toeless + footless = Heartless + jobless
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Now this is the story all about how / Coal's fortunes flipped, turned upside down / And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there / I'll tell you how financial woes closed Eagle Butte and Belle Ayr
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Photoshop this buildup
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A 14-year-old girl is told to go be fat in her private school uniform somewhere else
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Event planning 101: Ensure the venue you choose is appropriately sized for the expected number of attendees. This is especially important if you're planning the funeral of a murderous dictator who led his country into financial ruin
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"They told me they'd never gotten a lower Q rating from a celebrity ever," he said. "So I told them they're obviously not a legitimate company"
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An Ann Arbor group is proposing that the city decriminalize psychedelic mushrooms and other plants, with a petition drive, a presentation to the City Council, and rides on the giant whirling sky otter with glowing popsicles for hands
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I know it sounds like a good idea, but booby trapping your shed with a shotgun attached to the door handle is not a good idea
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CDC has not publicly identified the cause of vaping related illnesses ... because releasing their findings would not help kill the legal e-cigarette businesses which are not causing the vaping illnesses
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"Happy little clouds", "happy little trees", "happy little leaves" ... Bob Ross paintings to be exhibited for the first time outside his own gallery
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From the files of Captain Obvious: People believe fake vids if those vids confirm their own beliefs and biases
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Photoshop this man and his hat
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"I have an idea, let's use pictures of these ships to promote the British shipping industry" "Okay, should we check what the ships were used for?" "Why bother? Nothing bad ever happened on British ships"
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That helicopter ambulance service urging you to sign up for a potentially life-saving subscription membership might be an airwolf in sheep's clothing
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Russian orthodox priests throw holy water from a plane to cure a city of fornication and drunkenness, because that works
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Doctor suspected of injecting patients with Chinese poison instead of FDA-approved poison
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| (Some Guy) |
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Caption this penguin running for his life
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Alabama residents are urged to seek immediate shelter
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Maine man who caused standoff that ended with him being shot three times and his home destroyed by robot-borne police explosive sues LEOs in federal court, citing recklessness and failure to wait for negotiator trained to handle mental health crises
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30-hour 'Coffin Challenge' is back with new 'Baby Shark' torture
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Palace closes after its golden toilet reportedly stolen. Au shiat
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Vegan activist goes into McDonald's, wears a pig mask, and smears fake blood on the floor. Let's see how that works out for her
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Photoshop this good boy
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The world needs more selfless heroes like this man caught on a dash cam saving a kitten from certain death. Welcome to Caturday
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Fleecing your flock old school style. Like a Goddamn Boss
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Man says police dog viciously attacked him while sleeping. Imagine if the dog had been awake (graphic images)
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America's oldest living WWII vet celebrates 110th birthday
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If you drop something between your seat and center console in your Ford Explorer, let it go
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Sleeping naked can make you healthier and more wealthy. This message brought to you by Forbes. Once America's leading business publication
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What The Fart. No, literally, "What The Fart"
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Aramco facility blowed up real good. Saudi Arabia has imposed a news embargo. Videos in Twitter thread
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Men hired to test courthouse security. Get arrested for a job well done
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Freakin' hippies getting hassled by The Man
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If you had "$1 billion" as the answer to "How much money did the Sackler family try to sneak out of the country?" step forward to claim your prize and your free OxyContin sampler box
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| Fri September 13, 2019 |
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Woman goes to Taco Bell collecting homeless people along the way. Unfortunately at Taco Bell, there is no happy meal
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Trump is determined to kill the environment one stupid move at a time
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For you people who have been told to go be fat somewhere else, this obesity map reveals the states where you probably went (possible nsfw content on page)
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Time for another "there can be only one" joke
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All it takes is one Buddhist to ruin sidewalk chalk for everyone
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Hey, maybe this university ISN'T interested in educating me after all
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Old, Cute: Ladybugs on the radar. New, Cool: Cloudy with a chance of dragonflies
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The perceptive citizen had no problem identifying him from his picture
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Can somebody please come to the south central Virginia mountains and fetch your Yak? Thanks
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Man has a feeling he's about to lose his job, brings a support clown with him to the redundancy meeting. It was a nice jester
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Florida businessman convicted of massive Medicare fraud. Surprisingly receives prison sentence instead of winning gubernatorial election
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this embroidery floss
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You might be shocked to discover the star of Discovery Channel's "Undercover Billionaire" is not actually a billionaire. Great work, Forbes. This is really Pulitzer Prize winning stuff
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"The U.S. Health-Care System Found a Way to Make Peanuts Cost $4,200". To be fair, it also took venture capitalists, lobbyists, and a regulatory-captured FDA. Bonus: the billion-dollar peanut powder likely makes allergic reactions *worse*
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You too can spend decades destroying your life while searching for the Beale treasure, trying to crack the code, or for the most possible fun, both
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🎶 Nope, Britannia, nope nope nope nope nope nope. 🎶 (possible nsfw content on page)
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Normal: Collecting stamps. Kinda weird: Collecting wigs. Fark: Collecting not-quite-Frank Lloyd Wright houses
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French economist devises second, less popular method of dealing with the rich
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In Pedo Veritas
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"'Sharenting' Now May Lead to Identity Theft Later". In other news you read that as 'Sharting'
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Filliam H. Muffman to serve 14 years and pay $300,000 in restitution for being a complete criminal. 90% of that is absolutely true
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Man steals 42 million Delta frequent flyer miles; facing up to 20 years in the Atlanta airport
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If you're wondering what happened to the body in a rolled up carpet that you were pushing through Harlem in a Target shopping cart, the NYPD has good news for you
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Photoshop this sculpture
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A Maine man stabs himself after an argument. Tells the police it was the other guy who did it. They didn't believe him
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Dennis Rodman's CGI deep-fake cheroot implant is a perfect dildo concealment apparatus (possible nsfw content on page)
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Temporary hotel to open at North Pole. No word if owner is fat, jolly, has fondness for elves
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Govt 'silently monitoring snake-like UFOs' seen across the US. Since this is a British tabloid reporting this, the real truth is more like snakes have taken over most commercial airplanes around the country and are slithering them across the skies (possible nsfw content on page)
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Tiananmen Square photographer dies. Tanks for the memories
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Don't you hate it when your vibrator starts buzzing in your suitcase on the airport carousel while on holiday with the family?
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Montana grandmother uses hair dryer as speed gun to keep drivers on busy highway from blowing by
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She got 12 years for $31 of pot. Years after her parole, she was jailed for the unpaid court fees
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Florida Man tries to escape police helicopter in golf cart. The operative word here is 'tries'
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His Maserati did 185. He tried to beat the train, now he ain't alive
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Lightning kills 23 cows. In a row
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You know how it goes. You're naked and walking down a gravel road drinking a beer, when the cops roll up to hassle you. So you run into a cornfield and make your getaway from both the cops and their drone. Naked man trifecta in play
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John Kennedy is alive and well and ramming police cars in Arizona
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Caption these kids with a robot arm
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In other words, it's a website that's like your mom telling you to stand up straight
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Hand-holding skeletons found in Rome dubbed the "Lovers of Modena." Turns out they're both male, and the Italians are falling all over themselves with, "They were just-a brothers or a-cousins who a-died in battle. Not gay, no, no, no, no. Grazie Dio"
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You know how it goes. You're hanging out nude in your house in front of open windows while kids play next door, your neighbor comes over and asks you to close the blinds, you say no, she sprays dog repellent at you, you shoot her in the back. Guess the state
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Jaywalker has perfected the stare down, but not the stare ahead
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Eddie Money finally arrives in Paradise
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Bad is when the boat you're on crashes into a pier while you're sitting on the toilet. Worse is when the ceiling opens up and another passenger drops down on top of you
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Still no cure for cancer but there may be a cure for patients losing their hair during chemo (possible nsfw content on page)
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Man plays joke on police by moving their SUV. Hilarity ensues
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Come for the dancing. Stay for the totally accurate phrasing
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Cops: I smell marijuana. Judge: I smell bullshiat
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New York's Catholic Diocese files for bankruptcy protection, though they've been morally and religiously bankrupt for years
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The couple on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down. The couple on the bus go up and down all journey long (possible nsfw content on page)
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Fifty years of a Great Dane and those meddling kids
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this masking tape
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The Guardian takes on gender pronouns in introductions and fails to find anyone who actually gets offended when a stranger makes a mistake
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The first full moon on Friday the 13th in 13 years. THIS MEANS SOMETHING
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For one 16-year-old, it really is Groundhog Day
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United seats elderly couple in fight club
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Seven goats found dead and six remain missing. "The dead goats had bite marks on their heads and broken necks but otherwise were completely intact". I'm not saying it's aliens, but
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Why are houses in America the largest in the world? Pffft, well for starters have you *seen* Americans?
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Restaurant where a teenager died after eating buttermilk chicken sandwich eschews responsibility, insists the teen "should have asked about allergens"
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2,300 pigeons killed, 635,000 kg of feces cleaned from bridge. Now kith
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K00l Episcopalian priest stans Jesus, becomes TikTok sensation
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In an unprecedented display of magnanimity and compassion, CBP decides not to send 12-year-old hurricane survivor to a concentration camp
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At least he knew where his towel was
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If you weren't worried about the trade war with China before, you might be once you find out that most of the raw ingredients for all of your medications come from China
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If you've been making hoax distress calls on marine band frequencies about "nuclear attacks," threatening other vessels, aircraft, the US Coast Guard really wants to meet you
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Princess kidnaps plumber. Do you call Bowser at this point, or what?
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We know you caused a literal train wreck that killed someone, but we'll give you one more chance. Don't mess up again
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| Thu September 12, 2019 |
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New tropical storm intensifying near Florida, but scientists will not be able to predict its track until the President tweets about it
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Man banned from Iowa State Fair for protesting the treatment of pigs, arrested at local pub for acting like one
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Michigan high school students take their ID pics as pop culture memes. "Identity theft is not a joke Jim"
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MIT President: What idiot accepted a donation from convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein? Investigator: That would be you, sir
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Swatter threatens to kill the three British Airways flight attendants he has hostage at the Daytona Airport. Which British Airways doesn't fly to. And which isn't actually open. FAIL tag ekes out a rare win over FLORIDA tag this time
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Yhtäkkiä poro
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Looks like someone is going to have to bail Drew out of a New Zealand jail
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Vancouver woman driving while eating a meal with chopsticks; police view is dim, summary judgement made
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The Guardians of the Galaxy may be after your prosthetic leg, but the Guardians of Orlando may file Do Not Resuscitate orders on you
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Jerry Falwell Jr. wants to put your grandparents with the AOL account in prison
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Please note: a successful criminal heist requires more preparation than just reading 'The Crime Book." Bank Robbery for Dummies is not highly recommended, either
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Photoshop this impossible accident
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Hong Kong protestors put on a production of West Side Story
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"It's not the best news for an area that's already been hardest hit by Hurricane Dorian, with heavy rain and very strong winds"
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You know how people find interesting things on Google Earth satellite images? How about seeing a submerged car in a retention pond & calling the police & then finding out you found the car & remains of someone that's been missing for 21 years?
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No shirt, no distended rump, no service (possible nsfw content on page)
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This just in: al-Qaida are still assholes. Also, Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead
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Picturesque Italian region will pay you $27,000 to move there and open a business. It's an offer you can't refuse
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Travel influencers traveling through Iran to 'break the stigma' confirm it
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Photoshop this stranger in the night
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Cruise ship Dutch Apple II collides with World War II destroyer U.S.S. Slater on the Hudson River near Albany, N.Y. If they only had some sort of steering mechanism
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Emu on the loose for weeks has died. Doug inconsolable
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Ireland: where you can land at an airport and be so drunk you think you're still in Spain
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Some people like their coffee like they like their women: hot, strong, capable of diverting a flight over the Atlantic by making the cockpit controls melt down
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Legend in his own mind ends 100 mph car chase by crashing, then causes lockdown of town when he flees on foot
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A 2.5 magnitude earthquake has been reported near Asheville, NC. RIP lawn chair
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Watchdog group announces that colleges could "do more to help student parents pay for child care." Like, I dunno, let them take out loans for it or something. Loans are good, right?
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9/11. 7-Eleven. Same Same
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The guy who claimed he helped distract the El Paso shooter and got a presidential commendation for it apparently made the whole thing up. You see, there's this thing called "surveillance video"
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Florida man spots cloud formation that looks like a 'firefighter running toward an angel' on September 11
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Today's Fark-compliant headline: Two women having loud sex in hotel led to fight, gunplay, biting, and arrest (possible nsfw content on page)
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I predicted she'd say that
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Humans are no longer able to use the tried-and-true "Shoes visible under stall door" to tell whether a shiatter is occupied, at least according to some company peddling $3 million smart restroom upgrades to DFW Airport's management
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On this day in history, in 1993, a new floating bridge opened extending I-90 from coast to coast. This bridge replaced a previous one, which sank, and was replaced by another one which burned down, fell over, and then sank, but the fourth one stayed
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Human remains found in Black Diamond. Anyone who's got blue diamonds advised to check them for smurfs
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Two skydivers with very soiled jumpsuits have near miss with fighter jets travelling at high rates of speed underneath them
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Sleep tight folks. Sheriff Cody the emu had returned home after his afternoon patrol
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Woman, 32, is having 'best sex of her life' with 61-year-old hypnotherapy teacher. Also keeps acting like a chicken (possible nsfw content on page)
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Instagram bloggers with a mission "to break the stigma around travelling to countries which get a bad wrap in the media" discover that illegally flying drones in Iran wins them an all expenses paid travel upgrade to Evin prison
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Weaponized biscuits? More likely than you think
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Chicks everywhere
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Brock's judge recalled again
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Have you tried the ill-advised new media-invented teen trend of applying eyelash glue to your Cupid's bow, then pressing your top lip up? You need to if you want plump lips
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"Let's storm Area 51, they can't arrest all of us." Area 51: "Oh yeah?"
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Photoshop this SQUEEEEEEEEEEE
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Family of Robert Mugabe furious at not being consulted over funeral plans. Families of Mugabe's victims not solicited for comment
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The 12,000-year-old Turkish city of Hasankeyf will be destroyed within weeks, but the real story here is they are apparently a "half-hour drive from Batman"
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A cloud payroll services provider just drained $35 million from direct deposit accounts and evaporated. Sounds pretty cirrus
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♬ Sacklers, weasel Sacklers / They're the Purdue Pharma family / If all states won't settle / They'll bail out, declaring bankruptcy ♬
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Store in San Francisco may have to close because of a) rising rent, b) lack of customers, or c) too many homeless people biting them
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Deputy goes off half-cocked
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| (Some Cool Guy) |
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Ever read an obituary and wish you knew the guy? This is one of those
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House in Rugby collapses. House in Soccer clutches its ankle dramatically, is carried off the field
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French company found liable after engineer dies while laying pipe
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 749: "P's & Q's". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed September 11, 2019 |
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Step 1: Buy cheap vase at thrift shop. Step 2: Put on eBay. Step 3: Remove from eBay for appraisal after receiving large bids
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In pursuit of coveted warp drive technology, Egypt builds First Contact landing complex
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Worried wife gets alcoholic husband to stop drinking by locking him in a shed, which is good. She also gets him to die which is not so good (possible nsfw content on page)
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Mar-a-Lago trespasser guilty. State of underwear unclear
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| (Some Guy) |
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Small plane skips the runway and takes a short cut to the hangar
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"As I understand it, the parents didn't know that they had the grenade at home"
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Today's episode of "The Cruelty Is The Point" features a 12-year-old girl whose parents thought that evacuation from the Bahamas would be a better idea than staying in two thirds of a minivan until they died of hypothermia or thirst
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Dishonesty, sabotage, Naruto runs at Area 51 -- It's "Alienstock," and it's already a crapfest before it even starts
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Fark NotNewsletter: Holy Fark and Schnitt!
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Pop music, pop culture, and pop-up weapons are all on the Fark Weird News Quiz, September 1-7: Remodeling Edition
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this underwater drone
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We may soon have the technology to make the Wienermobile fly
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The status of the Northern White Rhino as a species, which currently can claim only two members, both female, is upgraded to "only MOSTLY Dead" as scientists create embryos using frozen sperm and eggs from the surviving two rhinos
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Dutch doctor acquitted in landmark euthanasia case, probably because no one could figure out how a landmark could have been euthanized
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How to keep your vagina healthy and free of centipedes
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City council approves plan to trap coyotes, possibly by painting tunnels on the sides of mountains
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this cube
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Parade in Sri Lanka turns into impromptu LARP re-enactment of The Battle of the Pelennor Fields
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Pickens finally rides the Bomb all the way down
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Travel influencer couple called "stupid beyond belief," and surprisingly not for their Instagram handle "Positravelty"
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Arizona state trooper arrested on 61 sex, kidnapping, and fraud-related counts. Pity, he only needed 8 more to unlock the achievement. Oh well, he can try again after his paid vacation
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"We May Have to Shoot Down This Aircraft" An excerpt from the oral history of 9/11
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A special Woofday Wetnose Wednesday extra edition for the doggy heroes of 9/11
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There are many lessons that could be learned from this story, not the least 'be aware that police cars are GPS tracked, so they can find you if you escape your handcuffs and steal one'
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The Cheat is grounded
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Florida woman convicted of bilking $1.6M from Texas woman in 'family curse scam' gets long stay in short room for being a fake medium
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"Erectile dysfunction may predict strokes". Heh
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Some serious 9/11 'sliding doors' moments (possible nsfw content on page)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Caption this famous clown
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Spotted lanternflies spotted in Center City Philadelphia, well, of course they were. They're spotted every place they go
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How fast was the liquor store going when it struck you, officer?
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Feral Canadian hogs encroaching on Montana border. Herd estimated at 30 - 50 in size, and boy are they in for a surprise when they reach gun-loving Montana
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Two GTA men charged with murder of Sudbury man, claim it was really Trevor
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Police officers ordered to turn over incriminating records can't find them until the statute of limitations might have expired
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Judge who let rapist Brock Turner off easy gets a job as a high school tennis coach
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"Take me to jail. I did it because Donald Trump owes me one trillion dollars and these vehicles belong to the mafia"
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"Happy birthday on 9/11 to the war without end"
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Photoshop this boy and his trusty steed
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Woofday Wetnose Wednesday is just so damned happy to see you again. Whether it's a few minutes or a few months, don't ever go away again
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Eighteen years ago, the world watched in disbelief and horror as four hijacked planes crashed into the Twin Towers, the Pentagon, and a field. Here's the thread on Fark as it happened in 2001
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Cargo plane crashes near Toledo airport. Maxwell Klinger unavailable for comment
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Vaginal fluid soon may be available to-go
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I can't fap to this
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Those fleeing the aftermath of Dorian in the Bahamas unable to find shelter, as all of the shelters are full and new arrivals are turned away
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And so it begins. Take your stinking paws off me, you damn, dirty ape
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10-year-old records mom driving around drunk before calling cops on her. Hero tag pulls keys out of Dumbass tag's ignition
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DO use a realtor's app to gain access to a home you might be interested in buying. DON'T use a realtor's app to gain access to a home you and your family can squat in
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EPA will end all animal testing, in one hundred and twelve dog years. Your dog wonders if he has to wait that long for a celebration steak?
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Ain't no sunshine when the salesman's gone. Only clouds when he's away. Ain't no sunshine when he's gone, so my savings are gone and now there's hell to pay
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John Hinckley's lawyer says that he'd like to move to California so he can pursue a career in the music business, maybe as an intern to that nice Phil Spector fellow
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| Tue September 10, 2019 |
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Hitting the cabbie, throwing your purse around, cursing at the kids and kicking the deputy who comes for you all because you can't get a cigarette is a good way to get banned from Disney, ma'am. Even if you used to go every week
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I hope to die in my sleep like grandpappy did, not screaming like the children on his school bus
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Outbreak of highly contagious infection with no symptoms kills 14th victim. Well, it's been nice knowing you (possible nsfw content on page)
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*COUGH, Ah CHOO, sneeze, HACK, WHEEZE, GASP*
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Train near St. Louis catches fire and spills toxic cloud of smoke into the air. No one in St. Louis notices
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On this day in history, in 1813, the Battle of Lake Erie took place, as Captain Perry defeated a British naval squadron and forced the British to abandon Detroit. This led to U.S. control over the northwest and many subsequent abandonings of Detroit
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Creep, or guy you'd like to party with? You decide
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Amazon now offers shipping direct to your bedroom in Canada
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A Tasmanian woman has been jailed for smuggling into Australia a) pot, b) heroin or c) garlic
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Anti-Vaxxer sees the light after her child almost died from measles
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this lonesome dove
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Jack Tripper's excuse was better than "I was scared of the lizards". Also religious police are jerks
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Police are looking for a "Walter White" look-alike who, coincidentally, is wanted in relation to methamphetamine possession
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KFC is publishing a Colonel Sanders dating sim, because nothing says romance quite like a bucket filled with greasy breasts and thighs
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The simple way to get kids to eat more vegetables is. A) More salt B) More butter C) The results of this scientific study
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"Hey, little girl, is your daddy home?" "Actually, yes"
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"Bork first, ask questions later." Or: How a dog park became "the most contentious and emotionally charged issue" in the history of Chevy Chase Village
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Medical marijuana cards are safe, secure, and hey, if you just gave birth, a great way to meet child protection services representatives, too
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Bahamas needs tourist dollars now more than ever, say people selling trips to the Bahamas
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| (Some Fishy Guy) |
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Ever wonder what happened to all those Big Mouth Billy Bass singing fish? Well, a bunch of them are about to be installed at a Florida-themed Chicago bar to mass-sing Yacht Rock songs at passing customers
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Guy live streams his own police chase. Guess how it ends? Hint: Josh Brolin is still virile
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Photoshop this happy hopper
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Do you want Godzilla? Because this is how you get Godzilla
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| (Some Guy) |
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Turns out that Thetford, Vermont has a road named after a legendary Scottish cannibal. Everything's better with maple syrup
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Not news: Young guy tries to sneak into the USA. News: Disguised as an old man. Fark: And looks way better as an 81-year-old (possible nsfw content on page)
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Human Rights Watch says minors held in 'horrific conditions' over Boko Haram ties, which are no doubt worse than that piano key necktie or that ugly fish one your crazy uncle gave you last Christmas
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The hunt for the elusive Popeyes chicken sandwich takes a sinister turn
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Ah shande fur die goyim. This, by you, is a strip club? Oy gevalt
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The Wiggles have an alter-ego band that's been playing drinking songs in Newfoundland
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EBay sends BIE
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"Demolition man faces prison in Detroit housing scandal." Boy is he in for a surprise when they thaw him out
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In America: Cute mascots to amuse the children. In Japan: Nightmare fuel rising from a swamp
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Student accused of sexually assaulting classmate deemed "high achieving" by judge
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Michigan's Top Health Official on Flint's water crisis: "Well, they have to die of something." Asinine tag sitting in since obvious tag died from water poisoning
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"I want to tell you that I now love and cherish my anus...we're gifted with one beautiful anus". While this article has pics, it's missing photographic proof
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Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. If you're having a rough time remember that there are resources out there to help. Hang in there
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Caption these elephants and their trunks
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6:30: Wake up. 6:45 - 7:15: Breakfast. 7:20 - 7:50: Commute to work. 8:00 - 10:30 Work. 10:30 - 10:45: Coffee break. 10:45 - 1:00: Work. 1:00 - 2:00: Lunch. 2:00 - 5:00: work. 5:00 - 5:45: Commute home. 6:00 - DIE IN A HORRIFIC, WORLD-ENDING FIREBALL
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Best Korea launches more missiles in odd "give us what we want, or we'll blow up more fish" gambit
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Wolverine found dead along I-90 proves valuable for scientists, who are no doubt fascinated by his adamantium claws
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Someone is using a drone to impersonate police in Utah, order people to evacuate, take their dogs inside
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'Drug traffickers' would have escaped the island with their $1 billion worth of illegal drugs if wasn't for that bellowing seal
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Think we've all been there: Met a woman, drunk some whisky, took LSD, then carjacked an animal researcher's car before crashing into a tree
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Outrage after "child" filmed smoking in crowd at soccer match for cancer charity. Outrage turns to amazement after kid reveals he's 36-year-old grown-ass man
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Utah may face beer shortage as the state is about to let residents drink actual beer
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There's yet another catch to that $125 Equifax settlement
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There were probably a million comic books featuring the Twin Towers made before 2001 that didn't show this kind of battle-damage. But this is still spooky (possible nsfw content on page)
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Bee-kake
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Photoshop these future track stars
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Eastern Iowa's famous Hula-Hoop Tree could be under threat with both sides trying to put their spin on the issue
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Scottish police suggestions for a bug-out bag do not include a bottle of scotch
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Jake and Elwood unavailable for comment
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Those of you who aren't about to be disciplined by the California Medical Board, step forward to keep your vaccine exemptions. Not so fast, Dr. Sears
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Protip: when you want to go for a swim at your fitness club, it's usually more effective if you get out of your car first
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It's "Stand your ground," not "Stab your hound"
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Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era? Happy Palindrome Week 2019
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Baltimore County finds second suspicious van full of 660 gallons of gasoline
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What happens after you spend your vacation money to help non-hurricane victims? You're going to Disney World
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Giant Meteor fools British Police
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| Mon September 09, 2019 |
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As Halifax recovers from Hurricane Dorian, emergency crews find their way blocked by A) flooded streets, B) downed trees, or C) a long line at Tim Hortons
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Your much needed bit of really good news for the day: All crew members from inside the capsized cargo ship Golden Ray have been rescued
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Florida deputy keeps 'adventure' alive after finding man's ashes, family's heartwarming notes, plugh, in bottle
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| (Daily Sabah) |
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Consulate audio transcript of Jamal Khashoggi's final minutes released. Holy, farking, shiat
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Well, okay, sure, but, who DOESN'T Love orgies and drugs,? Not really sure that had anything to do with being a Satanic cult leader or a murderer
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FLOTUS may take up vaping as next thing to not do anything about
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"Nine N.J. colleges are among the best in the country, U.S. News ranking says." Offering degrees in artificial flavoring, whacking a guy, and malodorous bridge construction
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| (Some Guy) |
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More than 3,000 feared dead on Abacos Island alone
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Trial of Chinese woman arrested at Mar-A-Lago delayed due to lack of A) evidence B) attorney C) underwear
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Man steals 1,020 cakes worth $90,000. And that's terrible
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For sale: one black full face-and-head helmet with integral breathing apparatus. Previously worn; good condition with minor lightsaber damage. Starting price: $250,000
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Keith Urban arrested for threatening a strip club employee with a pellet gun and impersonating a police officer. No word on if he kicked a dog or shot a bible
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I saw a (baby) turtle. Now photoshop it
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Mattel to release Día de los Muertos Barbie amid accusations of cultural appropriation, claiming they simply want to expand awareness of the holiday. Explanations gymnastic, it's fantastic, in a Barbie world
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The niner-niner OTR edition of Paul's Memory Bank (8PM EDT) continues the Triple Play. Stan Freberg, a 6-part Superman and My Favorite Husband on tap for tonight
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Moses Lake police officers interrupt robbery in progress by going Old Testament on suspects. The Pharaoh probably could have warned about this
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Violent 'prolific shoplifter' at Amazon Fulfillment Center charged with robbery, because as we all know fulfillment comes from within, at knife point
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Man escapes authorities by paddling makeshift raft downriver. Aunt Polly reportedly furious
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♫I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle.♫ Someone did. And rescued three people from a canyon in the California woods
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If you happen to come across a plant inside a concrete median strip along a bike lane on NYC's Upper West Side, beware: it's probably going to kill you
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Baltimore evacuations after vehicle found with 1,000 gallons of gas near the Inner Harbor. Police looking for vehicle owner to find out why they might want to turn the Inner Harbor into the Outer Harbor
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Working together, China and Germany deploy an army of drones to fight another invading army, resulting in 98% kill rate
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Photoshop this artpiece
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You've all seen the video of the guy headbanging in a hurricane. Care to guess where he's from? I think you already know the answer
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On this day in history, in 1919, the Boston police department went on strike, giving criminals the opportunity to loot the city without even having to be being elected first
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Marine veteran walks for the first time in a decade thanks to robotic exoskeleton, starts talking like former governor of California
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Photos of iPhone prototype in possession of skinny hipster chick unearthed: The Sun is there (possible nsfw content on page)
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1f ur crazy 4 vanty lcnse plts, g0 2 v1rgn1a
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The desire for relevancy burns within the hearts of all people, but none so brightly as a Florida man posting posting YouTube comments threatening mass murder under the byline of 'The Hammer'
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Dorian gave the Canadian Maritimes a good kick on its way out
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Cancer survivor reunited with life-saving donor after their DNA matches online. Fark - she was saved by an umbilical cord donation and now shares his DNA
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The Supreme Court has ruled that burning the American flag is speech protected by the First Amendment, but you should really stick to burning your own flags
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Suddenly, leprosy
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| (Some Guy) |
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Caption these malice monkeys
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Man plays dead after being shot in finger during burglary on Mulholland Drive, which still makes more sense than the David Lynch version
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Ever wonder why people never smiled in old-time photos? Probably because the smiley face wan't invented until 1963
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Feeling slim. Might make lemonade later, idk
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Texas hospital tried to make the birds go away, instead created a haven for the most venomous caterpillars in North America
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Well, lady, if you didn't want to be hit by a stray bullet from your responsible gun owning neighbors' target shooting in their yard, maybe you shouldn't come outside. Did you think of that? Now apologize to the guns
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Alabama school removes stall doors in boys bathrooms to prevent vaping, leading to spread of more natural vapors
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It's official: High heels are OVER. Book it, done
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State attorneys general to Sackler family: You can settle claims for your role in the opioid crisis if you pay fines out of your personal fortunes. Sackler family: But...but what's the point of settling if we have to pay for it with our own money?
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Grab those metal detectors and head for the coast: Hurricane Dorian unearths Civil-War era cannonballs along SC beach
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What's the best way to have your ankle monitor turned off and skip the country? Don't pay the bill for your ankle monitor
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Florida Policeman #1: "I wonder who crashed this car into this power pole?" Florida Policeman #2: "Why don't we ask that bush trying to slink away?"
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Photoshop this tee time scene
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All you smart kids learning Mandarin to get an advantage in the global marketplace? Bit of bad news (possible nsfw content on page)
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Police investigating case of terrorissssssssm after gang throw bag of snakes into dorm. No word if there were any badgers or mushrooms
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Don't fondle me Elmo
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Add stepping on decomposing green algae as another way to die. Fark: really quickly
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Man killed by two others, one of whom "sat on him." Oh, the huge man on he
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If you are going to jump in a pond to get away from the police, WHAT do you think would be the FIRST thing to consider. Bonus if you guess what this guy didn't do
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Guess who won't be coming to dinner
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