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| Sun February 17, 2019 |
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Wakefield strikes again
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Germany smurfs the smurfest Smurf Fest that ever smurfed
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How do you celebrate the Lunar New Year in Best Korea? With crystal meth, of course
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shiat's on fire yo
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If Vodak wasn't involved, subby would be very, VERY surprised
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Stockton, California starts giving residents $500 a month in effort to fight poverty. The only problem is they have to spend it by living in Stockton, California
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Ten top tourist traps in NYC: Skip the nuclear reactor and glance at the gold fort, but by all that is holy, make a pilgrimage to the cheese cave
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Photoshop this skeleton
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Move over, toasters: sofas and vinyl flooring are the latest objects aiming to decimate humanity
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Geez, one little mistake and suddenly everyone's all over your ass. OK, I fibbed to get a search warrant that got four cops shot and two citizens killed, but why rake a guy over the coals for something trivial like that?
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Homeowners call authorities to remove very large kitty from their tree
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this Unicord
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Good news, we found your stolen car. Good news for the City: we waited a few months to tell you we found it so we can rack up sweet storage fees
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Did you have a nice Valentine's Day? Great, now here are the probabilities you will break up with your partner within 1, 2, and 5 years
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Teenage girl who left England to join IS and was quoted saying "I did have a good time there" can't understand why she is not being welcomed back with open arms
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Forty-five years ago today, Private First Class Robert K. Preston stole a helicopter and landed on the south lawn of the White House, allegedly as a publicity stunt to "show his skill as a pilot"
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Neighbors band together to try to get a pusher off the street
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Apparently, DMV workers don't like stalkers who order them pizzas and leave wads of cash
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Protip: if you are subject to drug tests at your job, pass on trying that tasty coca leaf tea you brought back from your Machu Picchu vacation
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Photoshop these motorcyclists
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CSB Sunday Morning: Did you ever save a life? Fix a loose coil wire for a super model who was late to a photo shoot? Tell us about the time, large or small, where you were a hero
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Turns out you can't reason someone out of a slow and painful death they didn't reason themselves into
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Hopefully they can find something to eat
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Today's seemingly innocent household item that may be secretly killing you is **spins wheels** your toaster
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Doctors shocked when child's X-ray reveals two perfectly shaped hearts
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Fishing boat sinks in Bering Strait near Dutch Harbor. All five crewmen rescued, but cod presumed dead
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The latest internet trend for women who think they're breaking new cultural ground is to stop using dyes and instead embrace their grey hairs. Just like their mothers. And their grandmothers. And their great grandmothers
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Really, people, the last thing you ever should do at crowded airport security checkpoint is yell "GUN"
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This guy thought a wrench was the right tool to use to fix the screen on his 12th floor window. He thought wrong
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The birth certificate is going to have to list place of birth as "Airbus 320, 'Born to Be Blue'/N523JB"
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Colorado woman pens 'breakup' note on her foot before amputation. Just another relationship ending because of too much detachment
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Six years after legalizing recreational marijuana the nation of Uruguay is experiencing a 20% increase in violent drug crime. Wait, what's that, violent crime actually decreased 20%? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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| Sat February 16, 2019 |
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NYC Mayor de Blasio eviscerates Amazon for proving all of their critics right by tucking tail and running at the very first meeting where they were not bowed down to and shown the proper respect that the benevolent Lords of Capitalism deserve
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Wow, it's almost like judging people doesn't make them do what you want them to. Imagine that
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Mom finally vaccinates her kids because she finally met a doctor who didn't dismiss her questions and act like an arrogant authoritarian. (Tag is for doctor, because barking orders doesn't work on everyone)
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Largest cocaine shipment in 25 years confiscated from Mexican smugglers...at a port of entry
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Jussie Smollett to get national recognition for amazing acting and script writing, probably won't be nominated for an Oscar
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Lynchpin of commerce, abandoned eyesore, mobile home, million-dollar objet d'art: the humble shopping cart in all its guises merits recognition as a ubiquitous icon of urban life
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Photoshop this high-tech communications device
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Sixty-year-old man with concealed-carry permit allegedly shoots two Walgreens pharmacy workers over his meds, escapes in Hyundai, ditches it, runs to a Golden Corral where cops apprehend him after shootout. An American tale, ladies and gentlemen
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Do you know it costs about 50 times more to make a call from an Illinois jail than the Illinois State Prison? Yeah, Jake Blues is pissed too
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Email is making us stupid
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Behold the magical town in Canada where residents live alongside polar bears ... without becoming snacks of the largest land carnivore in the world
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Company will take your cremated remains and press them into a vinyl album. No word if it's David Bowie's 'Ashes to Ashes':
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Photoshop this pig with attitude
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You know the Outback Steakhouse slogan "No rules. Just right"? Well, they need a rule for "No scamming on Valentine's Day"
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Turns out that ISIS may actually be on the verge of defeat. For real this time. Seriously
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Not quite the happiest place on earth after all
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Subby is confused ... why is the media suddenly focusing on a laser sight?
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Family wins $37M judgement against cop who shot woman during standoff ... which is then overturned by judge. It's the Baltimore way. You get nothing. Good day
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Want a new husky puppy? Will you be interested in a lease? Do you have a trade in?
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| (Some Fusion) |
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Photoshop this red rover
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After being "treated like air" for three minutes while shop owners ignored him, guy takes his sandwich and leaves without paying. Fark: he's a member of the Slovenian Parliament and is now forced to resign
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'Animals are family too': Three cats rescued from smoke-filled home, reunited with owners just in time for Caturday, Valentine's Day edition
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And in just minutes the population of Iraq increased by seven
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Woman killed by train linked to shoplifting incident. Not clear how they can be sure, as all those trains look alike
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Dick Churchill, the last person living who made it out of Stalag Luft III during the Great Escape, has made a breakout from this mortal coil at age 99
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Japan to officially recognize Ainu as indigenous people, great crossword answer
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Sonic merges with Arby's
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AMATEUR VIDEO: Multi-car Kansas City I-70 pileup caught on cellphone video. SLOW DOWN, goddammit
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Leslie Knope approves
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Was her husband named Wilson?
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When the police include "similar operations have been performed at this house several times in the recent past" in the press release about raid at your home you really need to question if you are cut out for a life of crime
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When the inspection determines the bridge is structurally "intolerable" and the span's listed in "critical condition and may require closure," you might have a problem. Obvious tag takes a different route
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Houston, we have a problem...with your corrupt farking PD
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When subby goes, he'd like to pass peacefully in his sleep, and not by "literally rotting to death" like a patient in this Ohio nursing home did
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News: China closes Mount Everest Tibet route to tourists. Fark: Because of the amount of trash that's accumulated
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| Fri February 15, 2019 |
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TIL that some of the new freshmen at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School think it's funny to come up behind students who survived the shooting and slam textbooks to the ground, or pop water bottles...just to see if they can get a PTSD reaction
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Mistrial declared in case against man accused of killing state trooper after prosecution withheld exculpatory evidence. For the 2nd time. DA vows to retry suspect as soon as the police find more evidence to withhold
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UK man says energy drinks rotted his teeth. Which raises the question - It's the UK, how could anyone even tell?
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Therefore answering the question, "Do you even lift?" definitively
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Reptile with leathery orange skin spotted in South Carolina. Which is surprising, given that their Presidential primary isn't for another year
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🎵🎵 Stabbed him, not in the heart....and she's to blame...Darlin' your shirt gave 'Love' a bad name..🎵🎵
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"I couldn't remember whether you said drink seven pints of gin and nine raisins or nine pints of gin and seven raisins, so I did both. Now I can't find the raisins ... BUT NO PAIN"
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Photoshop theme: If cartoon characters were real
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Attention drivers: Joe Camel is not authorized to inspect your vehicle
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'Glitter Poop a Key to Future Tiger Cubs at Tennessee Zoo'
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I'm a great white shark. Suck my diiiiick Megaladon
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Bad: your mom catches you selling weed in school. Fark: She demands you increase sales volume and cut her in on the profit
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"Troopers seize $84K in cocaine found in Lunchables boxes" Man, I was just happy to get the pizza one
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Facebook allows Anti-Vaxx groups to spread disinformation like... like... well, something easily spread
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Don't you hate it when your Amazon delivery is sent to a neighbour and their dog rips it open and your new sex toy falls out? (NSFW)
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Photoshop this windmill
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Aurora, IL Active Shooter on the loose, shot 4 cops, unknown civilian casualties at Pratt Company. Party Time. Excellent. Not (UPDATE: shooter deceased)
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Maybe they were gestating them
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♫ It's not unusual to be sued by anyone / It's not unusual to dispute with anyone / But when you seek a copyright for the Carlton Dance / It's not unusual to be denied, you wanna cry ♫
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55-year-old woman hid the corpse of her 78-year-old mother in her home for 44 days, covering it under 54 blankets and concealing the smell with 66 air fresheners as she slept next to the body. The numbers, they mean something
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More evidence that recreational marijuana is harmful
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Badly damaged car on train tracks with three dead, including one outside the vehicle; large amounts of cash blowing in the wind. No train in sight. I'm liking the new season of Fargo already
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Denver cat has been high (on a pole) for two straight days
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Rat seen 'passed out' on NYC sidewalk holding empty Hennessey bottle
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Certain word combinations almost always guarantee a Fark green-light. 'Serial urinator' are two such words for example
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Virginia is for lovers. Of porn projected on the garage door, that is
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Cat owner desperate to keep cats off countertops; skipped right over applying lipstick to anus procedure
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Hey look our old friend Brooks is back online with a new website :) glad to see you buddy -Drew
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Mom's stolen purse had son's cochlear implants inside. Nobody heard a thing
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Al Capone's 1920's Chicago home, with possible tunnel, up for sale. Geraldo Rivera last seen applying for home inspector's licence
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How much did you pay for your stuffed whale penis?
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Florida Man see, Florida Man do: second doorbell licker caught on camera
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This is for you tinfoil hat types who wear Coke bottles as eyeglasses: A mystery cluster of lights "not visible with naked eye" has been caught hovering above Texas (possible nsfw content on page)
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There's a rat in mi toboggan
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Told you those US Marines were badass, now they're drinking cobra blood at the war games in Thailand (possible nsfw content on page)
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It's probably time to reevaluate your life if you're using your six year old daughter to steal from an arcade machine
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Netflix is teaming up with Hasbro and Rooster Teeth on War for Cybertron, and hopefully we'll get a scene where Shockwave and Soundwave discuss whether or not Ravage looks like a puma
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"When we execute a drug search warrant, we never know what we will find. Sometimes it is an armed drug dealer. Sometimes it is the drug dealer's terrified family. On this day, it was an alligator," said Chester County District Attorney Tom Hogan
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Fox News would like to take this time to warn you about the impending zombie deer apocolypse. BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA
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Dickwad duct tapes dachshund, ditches dog in ditch
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World's largest grapefruit sets two records at seven pounds,14.6 ounces, and almost 29 inches around. Devin Nunes seen stocking up on Viagra
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Lorena Bobbitt explains why she never remarried. Well, I can think of one good reason
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Wife asked for tulips for Valentine's Day. Husband was only two letters off
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Transgender Furry Potato Shot While Live Streaming Outside Synagogue. Yes. You read that correctly
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How couples in tiny homes keep the love alive -- for starters it helps there is no where to sit aside from their bed
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Photoshop this concept car
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So far Millennials have destroyed real estate, brunch, the news, straws, beer, casual dining, marriage, Big Oil, church, football, and motorcycles. But they've been gangbusters for greeting cards, so they've got that going for them, which is nice
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Best whole-head tattoo mugshot from a meth arrest you'll see today
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New Hampshire cop goes on a ticket writing spree. What a waste of ti.....oh, OH...carry on, officer
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The story of one man overcoming the burden of his massive white privilege and nepotism to become the president of a private university though never having graduated from college himself
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| (Say Anything Blog) |
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North Dakota lawmakers vote down 80 mph speed limit after DOT warns it will cost $50 million. South Dakota did it for $22,000
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Department of Justice told the President that declaring a national emergency would be blocked in court. And here we are
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Rowing grandads Neil Young and Peter Ketley set new world record for charity, become oldest pair to row across Atlantic Ocean
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Canadian thieves steal water intended for vodka production. That's not the spirit
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NASA's last message to Opportunity was Billie Holiday's "I'll Be Seeing You." It ends with: I'll find you/ In the morning sun/ And when the night is new./ I'll be looking at the moon,/ But I'll be seeing you
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Hoping to date that next Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy or Menendez brother, then we have the dating website for you
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Plane crash. Plane crash. Plane crash. Plane crash. Plane crash
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Tesla's "Dog Mode" will display a cool temperature while everyone is smashing in your windows rescuing your good boys
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| Thu February 14, 2019 |
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Keep f*cking that "Chicken Soup for the Soul"
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Speaking Spanish in Montana? That's a detainin'
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A quick update on the FBI's ten most ... BANG .... nine most wanted list
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Environmentalists feel EPA is not going far enough to control Gen X, unsure why Boomers get a free pass again
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The details of how that Colorado runner killed a mountain lion bare-handed are about as bad-ass as you imagined
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As god is my witness, I thought turkeys could drive
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Not all heroes wear capes. Some are just Lyft drivers in a rainstorm
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| (Some Polyester) |
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Photoshop this hugging
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♬ So no one told you life was gonna be this waaay... *clapclapclapclap* / You stole 3 million bucks, from your H.O.A... / 'Cause you embezzled like a racketeer / Well it hasn't been your day, your sentence: Four months and three years... ♬
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Weapon of ass destruction unleashed in Home Depot
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♫ It's like braaaaaains on your wedding day... ♫
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Greeks have been mad at the country of Macedonia because Greece has a region named Macedonia. To resolve the issue Macedonia has changed its name to North Macedonia. That'll fool them
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Nothing says Happy Valentine's Day like getting your dentures knocked out by a TV remote
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Alaska Airlines shows off special edition Captain Marvel plane. Plane immediately criticized for not smiling
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If you did something really bad a really long time ago, don't wipe your mouth with a napkin and throw it in the trash
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Scientists claim killer robots pose a threat to humanity. "The security of the world and future of humanity hinges on achieving a ban on killer robots" says noted scientist, soldier Dr. Kyle Reese
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Photoshop this clothes drying rack and its operator
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30 years ago, Ayatollah Khomeini sent the ultimate love note on Valentine's Day
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What do I do? What do I do? My library book is 73 years overdue
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Unnecessary Presidential Declaration of National Emergency mania sweeps nation
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| (Some Guy) |
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Since candy hearts aren't available this year, let's make our own
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Either the gods are trying to convey that something wonderful is about to happen in India or they're all doomed: TWO mutant two-headed cows born days apart (possible nsfw content on page)
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Ohio woman found slumped over the wheel of her crashed SUV in a pool of vomit admits to police that she was sober when she's at work... as a judge
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(x 2 +y 2 +rx) 2 = r 2 (x 2 +y 2 )
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Having a retirement home next to a roller-coaster-filled theme park was always going to cause a lot of complaints, but since the home hasn't been built yet, all the complaints are coming FROM the theme park
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Europe bans Fark
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New book claims that 80% of Vatican priests are gay. The other 20% are apparently just good liars
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Today in First World Problems: "When Your Shared Streaming Media Account Outlasts The Relationship"
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Texas man has a month left on his temporary ban from buying guns. Does he; C: buy a 3D printer and start making AR-15s while writing a congressional hit list? No Option A or B because Texas
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This time we may have to call it El Niñ
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Dog named "Donald Trump" shot after running wild and terrorizing livestock. Maybe the owner should have built a wall
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If you are going help a buddy test his bullet proof vest and plate, make sure you shoot him in his bullet proof vest and plate
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Bride-to-be decides not to ask friend to be bridesmaid because A: She slept with her fiance? B: She lives too far away? or C: Her boobs are too big?
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Denver School Principals threaten students who talk to the media and share pictures and video during the strike. It's a bold move, Cotton, let's see how it pays off
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Wife says Chicago officer assaulted in Connecticut prison. Subby wasn't aware Chicago's jurisdiction extended that far
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"It drove better than a flat" says New Hampshire man, following the state motto of "Live Free or Drive on three tires"
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Attorneys were not LMAO after juror in murder trial posts about it on Facebook
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Next time on This Old House: Tom Silva shows us how to set up a deadly booby-trap in your abandoned home (NSFW language in video)
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K-cup breasts? Just how small are they?
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Today's finest example of colliding provocative mental images: Feminist pastor unveils vulva sculpture made of old purity rings (NSFW)
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New York City emergency vehicles may change sirens to 'French Ambulance' sound
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The Utah legislature is debating a new state flag, let's give them some suggestions
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Prince Harry wants to take Meghan up the back entrance and the neighbours aren't happy
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The oldest penguin in the United States lives in Virginia. Is still trying to explain all those blackface photos on social media
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these kitesurfers
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Alex Jones will be forced to either prove Sandy Hook was the false flag he falsely said it was or lose the info war
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After getting drunk in a hot tub all day, man gets arrested for telling his wife to put a lid on it
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British 2.4 magnitude earthquake in Surrey leaves 'houses shaking' for about two seconds. Thankfully all lawnchairs were put away for the winter (possible nsfw content on page)
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Newest capital offense: sleeping while black
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Roses are red, violets are violet. Your imported flowers are destroying the climate. ❤ Happy Valentine's Day, you prodigal defilers ❤
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Atlanta dentist found to be (•_•) / ( •_•)⌐■-■ / (⌐■_■) armed to the teeth
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Teachers forced to buy their own school supplies might get a tax break. Because let's not address the real issue
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Celebrate Valentine's Day with 27 Disney Valentine's cards that will ruin your childhood
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Step 1: Buy tickets to father/daughter dance. Step 2: Bring son. Step 3: Complain event is discriminatory. Step 4: ?
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Not to jinx anything, but it's been ten years now since the last fatal airline crash in the US
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Actual headline: 'Bomb threat' was a warning from man needing to poop at Home Depot, Kansas cops report
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♬ DO: A deer, some grazing deer / RE: Array of mics has shown / MI: Amelioration of / FA: Fidelity of tones / SOL: A sonic profile change / LA: A lot more waves can flow / TI: If trees and foliage / Are consumed by hungry does, doe, doe, doe... ♬
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 719: "Ice Ice Baby". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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Burning Man Organization bans one-percenter camp 'Humano the Tribe', also known as "the Fyre Festival of Burning Man camps"
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| Wed February 13, 2019 |
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Woman with chair hurling issue arrested for throwing them off 45th floor of tower onto busy street below
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UPS. What can brown do for you? Well, you can start by not blocking an ambulance
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Latest storm threat to Tahoe residents, "roofalanches"
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If you're arrested at an airport for being drunk and disorderly three times within 24 hours, you might have a drinking problem and/or be named Drew
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Two firefighters injured in fire at fire station when fire engine catches fire. Fire
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This is one time when hopefully the answer to the headline question is "Yes"
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LeBron James and Tom Brady prepare to set world yoga record
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Photoshop these moths
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Investigating the Pulse mass shooting, Florida State Attorney General finds that 14 police firing 180 bullets in 3 hours hit 0 civilians
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Pro Tip: If you're planning to change your career from selling illegal drugs to prescribing legal ones, make sure the guy you hire to kill your med school professor isn't an undercover cop
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Crane falls into Mississippi River. Fortunately, it was nowhere near Niles. Not just a river in Egypt counterpunch joke falls one letter short
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That idea that the rich get better lawyers than the rest of us? If Trump hasn't disabused you of that, perhaps this interview with Cosby's atty will: "He will never have remorse.. because he did nothing wrong," Then compares Cos to MLK and Ghandi
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Minnesota plans to round up inconvenient native species and resettle them in the Dakotas, which is probably a repeat of most of US history
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Chickens killed in Olympia truck crash to be memorialized by PETA billboard
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Florida man reports an income of $18,497. The IRS sends him a refund check for $980,000
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Looks like 2,016 virgins just got a job in Iran
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If you have any idea where 284 high-priced Maseratis, Landcruisers, Fords, Mazdas and Pajeros that were issued to personnel during the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit are, please contact authorities in Papua New Guinea
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Lawyer in charge of preventing insider trading charged with insider trading, appropriately enough worked at 1 infinite loop
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Goanna attacks man as he tries to save peacocks, leaves him with a case of gonnarrhea
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Photoshop this headless guitar
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Florida homeless couple likes having "sexy sexy," and if those kids from the nearby children's parade happen to see it, so be it
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Florida man is an El Chapo fan. With bonus dead above the neck mugshot
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🎶 Cops found some pills / On Blue Berry Hill 🎶
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Florida lawmakers to allow smokable marijuana, but of course there's a catch
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If your significant other locks your junk in a chastity cage this Valentine's Day, the Lock Picking Lawyer has your back, showing you how to pick the lock with nothing but a condom wrapper. Probably NSFW
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"The tale of the USB stick found in frozen seal poop gets weirder"
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"It went from a pub crawl to a massive brawl in a matter of minutes. Scuffle turned into kerfuffle morphed into melee transformed into scrimmage evolved into free-for-all that burst into the parking lot"
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Someone stuffs rubber gloves into the gas tanks of city's entire snow plow fleet just before winter storm. High school teens everywhere seen taking notes
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I never dreamed that I would climb over the moon in ecstasy, But nevertheless, it's there that I'm shortly about to be, 'Cause I've got a golden ticket. For now, I do invite N-word to come to my factory and be my guest for ... wait, what?
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Murder suspect says he didn't mean to cover his ex-girlfriend's mouth with tape, bind her arms and legs, force her into a suitcase and then dump her on the side of the road, he swears
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"He is a menace to the entire building. He is coming up and down our fire escape. He's tapping on my window." And he wanders the halls with a knife or in his underwear
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"I told him the fact that we have a black party of 30 and we have a contract to be up here, it looks bad because you have 8 police officers here and no laws are being broken" says man in badly-written article
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Man with an assault caliber rifle weapon fires 19 shots into a busy San Diego restaurant. Reset the clo... Wait, no injuries reported? What do we do with the clock then?
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STDs on the rise in the United States. *slow clap*
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Sorry I missed the board meeting, I'm just so depressed from this job, I overmedicated during lunch and went into a k-hole
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Russians sniff bread the way that '80s students sniffed freshly mimeographed paper
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Sex offender who abused six-year-old girl walks free from court with no criminal record, because it might hurt his chances of becoming a dentist. Brock Turner unavailable for comment
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man has 'brilliant' idea, marries three different women, gets them all apartments in the same neighborhood. Gets arrested for polygamy of course, but says he will stay with the one who forgives him when he gets out
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One year after the Parkland terror attack, everything was supposed to change. Has it? No
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Drunk driver stopped by black deputy. Tells officer that he "f-ked with the wrong white people" and that the KKK will find him. Yup, Florida
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Cruise ship leaves with one engine not working properly, tells nobody, cancels two stops, loses a second engine, almost starts a fire, and crashes into a pier. But at least the passengers get 50% off their next cruise
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Why Rage Yoga? "We are all angry about something and we all have been holding onto an 'F'-bomb too long. It allows you to have a safe space to let go of your and frustration and rage in a healthy way, and then wash it all away with ice cold beer"
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When you are trying really hard to get that first class ticket to hell. Subby is relegated to steerage
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Inventor of GPS says mankind has lost the art of map reading. For those of you too young to remember, a map is a diagrammatic representation of an area of land or sea showing physical features, cities, roads, etc. that is a real pain to refold
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Photoshop this bat-proposal
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IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE! No, it's Gabby the Papillon running hellbent-for-leather at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, just in time for Woofday Wetnose Wednesday
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Terrified diver finds mysterious giant "condom" from the abyss swimming about him, can only imagine what was wearing it
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It had to happen. Free range, organic dildos and butt plugs are here. Got wood?
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All right stop collaborate and listen, ice is out and you just may need some friction. That someone grabbing you tightly? He's a cop ready to give you a place to stay nightly
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America has an abandoned corpse problem
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If doctor advertises he can treat "hernias, diabetes, Parkinson's disease, cancer, multiple sclerosis, arthritis, renal failure, Leukemia, Fibromyalgia, ulcers, vision problems, cysts" by injections of his own blood, he might not be a real doctor
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Parents are being warned not to let their children choke to death on unicorn horns. This is not a repeat from medieval Europe
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Cops arrest Bad Florida Man who beat up girlfriend in parking lot, then shot, wounding Good Florida Man who tried to stop him from attacking woman
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Do you want to trigger everyone at the same time but don't know how? Esquire knows
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Southfield, Michigan does not want a sex doll brothel. Nobody wants that, honestly, but especially not Southfield
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Don't worry about that defibrillator flaw that's killed six people so far. You can always try turning it off and then turning it on again. Also, the company expects to have all the recalled units serviced by (checks calendar) December 31, 2019
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Every time you throw Amazon's plastic packaging into the recycling bin an angel loses its 5-star rating
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Bill Cosby wants you to know that he's really enjoying prison
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Sure, quibble with his methods, but next time Mom willl hand over the Cheez-its
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| Tue February 12, 2019 |
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Fish advocates: Shoot gulls. Bird advocates: Gulls aren't the dam problem
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"If you can understand why so many Millennials would spend $50 on a luxury water bottle, you can understand a lot about America in 2019". (-_0 )???
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Before you click the link, just know that she's 25. Also, if anyone claims her elbows are too pointy, or her knees are too sharp, I will cut you
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What did you learn in school today son? .. "That Martin Luther King, Jr. was not really assassinated, and that I'm going to prison for wearing athletic clothing." .. Who's your teacher? .. "Mrs. Fired"
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Carpe Diem. Twenty pound "Goldfish" may have broken this guy's limit
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Billionaire Richard Branson plans to go into space on his company's SpaceShip Two within the next six months, may even come back to Earth
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If you're going to speed between a fire truck and a deputy stopped at an accident scene in the snow, at least stop and buy them new underwear - with video
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Ancient mucus trail led to oldest evidence of mobility on Earth, earliest Your Mom jokes
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Report shows ICE almost never punishes contractors housing detainees no matter how many violations racked up
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Gym teacher fired for playing Fortnite with students
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When your GPS directs you to use a stretch of motorway, it assumes you're in a vehicle of some kind
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American children finally learning how to speak English correctly, all due to a pig
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Rise of the planet of the apes: toddler kidnapping version
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Protip: If the police tell you that you are free to leave, and you choose to instead to threaten to bite a police officer's nose off and headbutt him, you may have had too much to drink
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Turkey orders arrest of 1112 people, presumably for baking family members last Thanksgiving
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*Knock knock* "Who is it?" "Allie." "Allie who?" "Open the door and find out"
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Single and looking to make some $ this Valentine's? Sell your own dating packages like this guy did: "2 hour Dinner with Parents = $45 if they cook +$15 for a kiss and a "love story". Add $10 if I have to play with younger siblings"
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News reporter could only find one person upset by L.A.'s Banksy-style mural depicting Logan Paul hanging
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Spanish police seize over 200 stuffed endangered animals. It really wasn't that difficult
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When did the burrito replace the icepick as the preferred weapon of Florida Man?
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Fark NotNewsletter: Holy Farkballs, guess who's 20 Farking years old
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Good luck finding a trailer with $65,000 worth of energy drinks. Thieves could have hidden those 4 bottles anywhere
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Facebook has screwed us all
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Photoshop this eruption
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Japanese bonsai owners, while hopeful their "tree babies" would be returned, implore the thieves to take proper care of them
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New Jersey sewer authority generates more power than it uses by harnessing the unlimited potential of renewable resources such as wind, solar, and meatball grease
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| (Some Guy) |
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Blowing on an ember can get you a visit from the fire department. Unless your Husky is named Ember, in which case you're getting a visit from the cops
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Q: What has 15 feet and is very confused? A: The Vancouver Police Department
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Duct-taped man escapes from car trunk before car speeds off, says he was kidnapped from a Golden Corral and beaten. You do NOT cut in line at the chocolate fountain, Jack
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"It could be that the baby took it from the kitchen drawer and folded it up into the bottom of the baby carrier. Or it could be that an adult did it." TSA's most unusual finds
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Police are on the lookout for a woman in her 50s last seen roaming Towson University and asking people if they would date her son
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Don't have a cow man. Especially in your bathroom
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Torn from the pages of the Windsor Star: dastardly counterfeiters are passing off "hell money" in the Leamington area. Remember, genuine Canadian currency has transparencies, metallic elements, and is clearly labelled "Canadian Tire"
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For death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth -- plus your security deposit's never coming back
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A woman is seriously hurt after she lit the fuse of an explosive instead of a candle. She sues for damages. Warner Brothers expected to countersue for copyright volations
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Aliens launch rocket from Salisbury Plain in Southern England (w/ video)
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| (The Royal Gazette) |
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Police hold town meeting telling citizens that kite flying could be illegal under ordinance from 1926
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When the plumber has to use a kayak in your basement to reach the water shutoff valve, you should expect a large bill
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Now that robots can walk, climb, and open doors, scientists decide the next logical step is attaching blades to all their limbs
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All he wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi
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"Think about the 280 ships that DIDN'T have collisions" Yes, an admiral really said that
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California to abandon high-speed rail from LA to SF, instead focusing on a shorter route from Bakersfield to Merced
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Want some good news/bad news? The most mysterious and adept mammals on earth are super chill, but the most annoying and persistent mammal on earth just won't leave them alone
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You don't tug on superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, you don't pull the mask off that old lone ranger, and you don't fly a drone in Myanmar's capital
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| (Piximus) |
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Photoshop this resting cat
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For some reason, women in Japan are rebelling against long-standing tradition that forces them to give chocolate to male colleagues on Valentine's Day
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Halifax woman does "everything right" - Well, except for the whole "don't have a heart attack" part
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Great, there's a new species of venomous tarantula with an upgraded "fully sclerotized" horn on its back. Devs need to stop pushing out crap like this - NERF PLS
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Grandfather wins appeal against the UK government's assertion that he is "fit for work" on the grounds that he's been dead for the past seven months now
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New documentary says discovery in Iraq supports the Biblical story of Noah's Ark, and the Tower of Babel. But it also says that the tower was destroyed by an alien race. Oh, and that God's son isn't Jesus, but a Greek philosopher
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Won the lottery and don't want to reveal your identity, but you don't live in a state that allows you to claim with a trust? Here's your solution - a fright mask
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This man is definitely NOT a pervert and there's nothing to suggest that he would be
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Drunk man steals an 11-year-old girl's horse from a showground and rides it bareback through a hotel and down a street (w/ video)
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| (100 Days in Appalachia) |
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The nation's strongest vaccination laws are in...Mississippi and West Virginia?
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Eight month investigation finds that airline mechanics are being pressured to ignore safety rules. Enjoy your next flight
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Blackface dummy hung next to black church, but don't worry, the property owner says it was just a prank by kids, not racial
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Nike's self-lacing smartphone-controlled shoes hit the shelves this weekend 30 years after showing up in Back To The Future 2
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If you're missing a couple of camels, the Pima County Sheriff's Office would like to have a talk with you. And by the way...who in the hell, other than zoos, own camels?
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El Chapo found El Guilty
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The legendary WWII aircraft carrier USS Hornet has been found where it was sunk 77 years ago
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Send To All: "The difference between a snafu, a sh*tshow, and a clusterf*ck" Please be sure to comply with official terminology standards in all company communications going forward. Now GBTW
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Life imitates Seinfeld - apparently drug tests for new mothers can't tell the difference between heroin and Tim Hortons
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Romantic headline of the day: "Finally, a Device for Telling Your Partner You Want to Bang Without Speaking to Them"
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Woman left with 'four breasts' after £4k boob job left her deformed. On the plus side, she's landed a part in Total Recall 2 (NSFW pictures)
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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2018-12-16 to Sat 2018-12-22
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Some day, trophy hunters will learn social media is not their friend (disturbing photos, possible NSFW content on page)
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Photoshop this odd skier
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A solution used to de-ice Ohio's roads might make them glow. No word on if it will also fill in all their potholes, which is the bigger problem
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Multiple people being investigated for delivering Bezos' package
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They went to an abandoned home to smoke weed. Inside, they found a tiger. Woah
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Sadly, we've all been around long enough that we now have a top ten in "dick pic" scandals
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Fifty tons of chicken recalled due to eggs. Ironic tag desperately seeking EpiPen
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Ambulance crew becomes ambulatory, walks patient uphill both ways to hospital in icy conditions
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"The forecast calls for strong winds, snowstorms, and the possibility of power outages. That was your weather for Hawaii. And now, sports"
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Illumination church to change its name after people keep confusing it with Illuminati secret society. Lou Malnati's Pizza unimpressed
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Here's why you need to do some touching before sticking it in
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New Jersey woman offers up two middle fingers in defiant mugshot. Most. Defiant. Of. All. Time
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Fire at "mansion" in Del Mar, California where a 3 bedroom 3 bath, 2200 sqft something or other is a "mansion." A $5 million "mansion"
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Tenants in upscale New York apartment building are upset over an infestation of pests. Pests being topless 18-year-old college students. How will they ever survive?
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Scantily-clad woman disrupts air service. If you're still here I should inform you there are no pictures
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After five month investigation NTSB determines that deadly high speed stretch limo crash was a deadly high speed stretch limo crash
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| Mon February 11, 2019 |
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Man with head injury: "Doc, Doc, Will I be able to play the piano?" Doctor: "Sure, I don't see why not." Man with head injury: " Great, I never could before"
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If there's a finer example of mansplaining out there, Subby has yet to see it (possibly NSFW)
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Airline suing passenger for skipping out on the last leg of a long flight in an attempt to crack down on a cheap airfare trick
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In hindsight, perhaps displaying two nooses under the term "back to school necklaces" in a middle school, MIGHT have been a bad idea
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A third to a half of all parents are farking morons
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Pretty soon your destitute boomer relatives will be suing you for old folks alimony
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Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Who cares. Where in the world is Myspace Tom?
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Please note: if you've been waiting for your delivery of live chickens, they can be collected on I-5 near Olympia, Washington
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Tabloid claims Michael Jackson to be exhumed for DNA evidence. His estate replies: *Vincent Price voice* ...And whosoever shall be found / Without a source of good renown / Must rot and burn in clickbait hell / And face a lawsuit for libel. MWAHAHAHA (NSFW content on page)
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Due to lack of funding, the Martin County, KY sheriff is completely suspending law enforcement operations: "Lock your doors and load your guns," you're on your own
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| (Some Grease) |
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Photoshop this tempting chick
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The second "month" theme ends tonight on Paul's Memory Bank (8PM ET) with 2 hours of stuff that got added to my iTunes library in past Februarys. Februaries? Why couldn't it have been March?
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Guess who's back, back again. Ebola's back, tell a friend
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"Hello, 999? People are trying to steal my weed off me"
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Ninety years ago, an Alabama church honored a deceased pro-lynching church member with a pew dedicated to confederate president Jefferson Davis. Today: "Was that wrong? Hmm, maybe we should get rid of that"
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Commuter Airline: Let's maximize profit by allowing passengers to sit in the co-pilot's seat. What could possibly go wrong?
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