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| Sun March 25, 2018 |
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Russian mall has an unexpected fire sale
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Recently discovered journal uncovers yet another brave female pilot who, despite also being deaf and blind, also managed to be killed by the Nazis, becoming the bravest woman ever, and going on to become Shirley Temple, or possibly Eleanor Roosevelt
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That's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for him
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| (Crude Guy) |
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Photoshop this oil thingy
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Saudi air defenses intercept ballistic missiles over Riyadh
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Cuteness like this is the only reason to allow Twitter to continue to exist
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Photoshop these troopers
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my mother, not screaming in terror like her passengers
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Woman who is banned from every prison in state, gets caught sneaking into prison
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Police investigate $1,300 lingerie theft from Victoria's Secret. Given slip but no bust so far
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Man severely beaten by another prisoner awarded $300,000 in a lawsuit. State then keeps half after subtracting the cost of his imprisonment. You bet that's another lawsuit
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I can haz 30 cheezburgers? No? Well then
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Bring back the baby names from years gone by, Shirley they can't be as bad as the names we give our snowflakes today (possible nsfw content on page)
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State lawmaker calls for sign dedicated to Civil War General Joseph Hooker to be changed or taken down, saying his last name is a "double entendre'' that embarrasses Massachusetts
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Driver faces prison for giving middle finger to speed cameras. Difficulty: Depuis quand les Français sont-ils considérés comme polis?
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When you go to the cemetery and call 'come here oh ghosty ghosty' you don't actually expect a response
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So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, dasvidania
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this dancer
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CSB Sunday Morning: I want to ride my biiiiiiiicycle
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According to Fox News, Mister Rogers was one of the most evil people in the history of the human species. Trump still pretty cool though
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Iowa family died of gas asphyxiation at Mexican resort. Their burritos are really something
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My dad can beat up your dad. Oh yeah, well my dad can beat up you
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Here's a gallery of the best signs from the "March for Our Lives" demonstrations
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Pita (S)Pit
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OK, his steam-powered rocket worked, but I don't think he saw the edge of the "flat" Earth
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"Fifteen years of collecting rhino semen is finally paying off"
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Say what you will about the Bulgarians, but they truly care about a stork's welfare
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Forsythe P Jones (Richard Sousa) Celebration of Life is Sunday, March 25th at 2:30 PM, at Love's Artifacts on South MacDill Ave in Tampa. I do hope you will come. Richard really liked his fellow "farkers"
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| Sat March 24, 2018 |
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"What better investment can one make for 60 cents than for a garment which has a double purpose, that of an under garment and one that is vermin proof?"
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Woman arrested for swearing at herself
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| (Some Guy) |
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Tanker truck spills 17,000 liters of hydrochloric acid into Dawson's Creek. Let's see if Joey finds him as dreamy now
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It's nacho best way to smuggle meth
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Photoshop this photograph
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Suspects in peanut butter attack do a Peter Pan and Skippy away in a Jif
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When did clowns go from birthday-party goofy to downright scary?
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| (Wicked Guy) |
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Photoshop these hanging tits
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Millennials now think overpriced mashed avocados on toast is so yesterday, pineapples are now today
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Three tips on how to be a better complainer. Three? Jesus, how much time do you think I have to read articles online? Couldn't you have slimmed it down to two?
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Black suspect? "Lock him up and throw away the key." White suspect? "He's just angry and misunderstood." And yes, a lot of people are (finally) having a problem with this
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In Sanskrit the word Uma means "tranquillity" and "splendour". In Hebrew and Aramaic its meaning is "nation". To the Tiv people of Cameroon and Nigeria, it means "life". And to the American Midwest it means "another goshdarned blizzard, dammit"
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Half a million students in DC and more across the country and the world are marching today for their lives. Go support them locally if you can
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Gendarme who took place of hostage gendies from gunshot wounds
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| (Wicked Guy) |
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Photoshop this vicious hibiscus
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Mount Etna is "sliding towards the sea." At a rate of about 1/2 inch a year. Thoughts and prayers for all those living within a yard downhill
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Samantha Martin, the founder and trainer of the Amazing Acro-Cats - who has also rescued and found homes for 216 felines over the years - needs your help to say 'fark cancer' on Caturday
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Australian volunteers save 5 of over 150 stranded whales. Because it's Down Under, a shark warning has been issued, and officials are now worrying about the impending invasion of spiders, snakes, crocodiles, toxic flora, and bloodthirsty koalas
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Today is National Cheesesteak Day ...and what better way to celebrate it than with the 20 best from Jersey (where better cheesesteaks come from) while those two Philly guys beat themselves over the head in their ongoing feud
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Two-thirds of drivers say they are "regularly dazzled" by new, brighter headlights. It's getting to the point where you can barely see your screen to text
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Mormon Bishop accused of misusing missionary position
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| (Some Guy) |
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Tumblr releases the names of 83 accounts linked to Russian state sponsored trolls... what... NO Not YOU mooseblogtimes. Now where will I go for all my moose related news?
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The world's pinkest person has a pink house, pink clothes, pink furniture, and a pink dog dyed with beet juice
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Hey Chief, this thing must be broken. It says there's a fire back at the station
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Eager to prove to your kids that God is real? There are better ways to do that than sending them to meet him
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L.A. subway construction unearths a treasure trove of fossils. Although anyone looking for fossils in Southern California usually has to go no further than the Hometown Buffet in Palm Springs
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PA school district's solution to school shootings: get stoned
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No fooling, the sky may fall April first. Break out your hydrazine straws: free rocket fuel may be available
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| Fri March 23, 2018 |
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U.S. added 700,000 millionaires in 2017. Unfortunately half of them are people who were billionaires in 2016
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Military veteran Captain Bone Spur bans most transgender people from serving in the military
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Woman charged over carrion luggage
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Crawfish smokes a cigarette while holding onto a beer. Yes, you read that right
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In his quest to find "better dope", man crashes through fence, thought he was being chased by paratroopers, and almost hit a plane. Dude, you're doing it wrong
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Spring Breakers break beach beauty, letting littoral litter literally lean on bins. Coastal crews clean, locals left bitter
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Article reminds us "wetting your hands is not washing your hands." Same goes for pants
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Old and busted: Waterboarding. New hotness: Morissetting
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4 women who shaped the history of whisky
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At the Quality Inn hotel, we want you to feel right at home, but please don't walk around naked
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Taco Bell sauce packet-inspired tortilla chips coming to stores soon. Will be dropped on Chinese cities as part of global trade war
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Subby was going to name his band Subterranean Voodoo Sex Slaves, but it appears a Spanish DJ already did
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Hipster popester Pope Francis gives his holy thumbs up to tattoos, insists they can help build communities. Kneeling altar boy tats on thighs still frowned upon
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| (Some Garden Guy) |
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Photoshop Challenge: Disturb this serene scene
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A Pennsylvania sheriff's officer has put up a wanted poster for Punxsutawney Phil. The poster claims Phil is wanted for deception. Phil is described as having "brown and grey hair, brown eyes, sharp teeth"
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When the neighbor sets up Archimedes burning mirrors aimed at your windows and starts wandering outside cosplaying Darth Vader, maybe moving would be best solution
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Stephen King baked this loaf of bread, and someone kept it for 33 years
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United gives woman $10,000 voucher to give up seat, launches new slogan, 'Fly United, feed your family for years"
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| (Some Law Prof) |
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Kentucky lawyer is suspended after blowing a .337 on a breathalyzer during closing arguments. In other news, Fark is looking for a new general counsel
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Study abroad student who lost $7,000 in clothes in JFK bag fiasco gets back single boot, bikini top and $180.32 offer from airline
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| (Some Guy) |
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It's national puppy day, so show us those puppies. Big puppies, little puppies, sweater puppies, let's see 'em
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| (Wicked Guy) |
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Photoshop this fungus amungus
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What to do if you find a dead whale on the sea shore. No mention of what do with the bowl of petunias. And whatever you do don't try to dynamite it
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Americans had to spend $1.4 billion to freeze their credit because of Equifax's screw up
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The best Forever stamp of all time is being issued today
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Trip to dentist leads to (a) loss of 12 pounds, (b) deadly heart infection, (c) bizarre, bulging lump on right hand, or (d) all of the above
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Teachers in Billings, Montana may be forced to have all teaching material approved by the school board because one snowflake saw a bikini
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Black Lives Matter protest shuts down access to Sacramento arena in response to police shooting of Stephon Clark, sparing people from watching a Kings-Hawks snoozefest
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58-year-old plus sized model takes the runway by storm for New Orleans Fashion Week
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Austria is the "ashtray of Europe." Paul Hogan surrenders
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If you're carrying $96k in cash and the three hookers you're partying with suggest they invite a friend over -- don't do it
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Zucchini Balls is the name of my Europe cover band
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Woman robs cell phone store using steak knife. At least she kept her hair out of her face for all the photos
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| (Wicked Guy) |
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Photoshop this rocking chair
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China decides that the television program "Black Mirror" should serve as a how-to manual for Chinese society
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School board fires teacher who went on a video rant against the mlitary
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"Attention shoppers, we have ISIS creating a hostage situation in our store"
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It's a whale of a tail. DIA named best airport in the US
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Solution to gun violence in schools: Students now must use clear backpacks and wear ID badges at all times
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Meanwhile, in Ukraine
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The FBI is looking for a dork with a classy mugshot
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It's come to this: The National Parks Service has to implant microchips on the cacti in Arizona's Saguaro National Park to protect them from pricks who would steal them
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Guy tries to buy a filly cheese steak at McDonalds. Sorry, I meant, guy tries to buy his filly a cheese steak at McDonalds
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"OK, let's start your driving test. First, put the car in drive and... FAIL"
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IHOP makes serious inroads on Waffle House as your preferred late night melee dining spot
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Man steals exotic fish by putting them in his pants. Troy McClure wanted for questioning
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Woman attacks husband because he: A) let his guard down, B) forgot her medication, C) forgot anniversary
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| Thu March 22, 2018 |
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Mmmm. F*ck it, lick it, smell it. And now back to Tom with the weather
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This is not a repeat. Wait no... it's sort of a repeat
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Mayor of Sulphur, LA skims Fark link about small town in New Jersey, decides to reroute traffic to cut down on congestion of street. Fark: Using Police, Firefighters and utilities employees
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I just broke up with my ex and burned everything that reminded me of her. Long story short, if you've never been to the Metro Hotel in Dublin it's too late now
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Cop lassos runaway bull with parachute cord in snowy woodland standoff. Because that's what you bring to a standoff with a bull
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If you're going to commit a staged collision with your buds in another car, don't stop off at McDonald's on the way to grab a bite to eat. The CCTV can see you together
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Mystery stench prompts Wellington Florida officials to launch investigation. What's to investigate, it's Florida after all
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Photoshop this boy and his pelican
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Teen girl machete-wielding carjacking team make bid for "Most Florida Story of the Week". With Xanax-addled mugshot
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Dumbass burglarizes court officer's car. Double dumbass: leaves behind two of his own court summonses
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Note: do not download child porn. Extra note: on a computer while you're at work. Extra extra note: on the computer in your squad car
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Bellboy#1: geeze this guy's bags are heavy Bellboy#2: and they clank a whole bunch, wonder what he's got in them? Bellboy #1 He's sure got a lot of them, whatever they are Bellyboy#2: I just hope he tips well
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Why do they do it? Why do domestic violence abusers have their faces tattooed with clown markings? For the mugshot of course
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"American exchange students in Italy cook pasta without water and promptly start fire"
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Wild turkey leads to trashed bedroom
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Rabbi finds way to make pork kosher and allowable with dairy. Finally, it's possible to fulfill a lifelong dream of eating a Cuban sammich with a giant glass of whole milk
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Old and busted: Gorillas in the Mist. New hotness: Opossums under the Hood
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| (Some Field) |
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Photoshop these intense hockey players
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Dodge Challenger Hellcat driver pulled over after being clocked at 160 mph, says he is "just trying to get to Maryland"
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70,000 years ago, a star passed so close to the Sun it may have rained down comets on us. DO NOT CONGRATULATE
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Court blocks anal probe as test for homosexuality
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They have Gummies for heartburn, Gummies for probiotics, Gummies to get a tan...wait, what?
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College football standout goes from being drafted by Bill Belichick to Julliard to world-class opera singer
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Arkansas man in car stolen from Oklahoma fakes fainting spells when busted in Louisiana. With sad mugshot (or could be the meth)
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Please note: if you're planning a double murder, a bit of cardio in advance can be advised
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"Why bland American beer is here to stay"
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The nose knows: How a Maine city lost its stink and gained cruise ship passengers
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Convenience store shut down after selling 'zombie' drug. Frank West investigating, hoping to find Zombrex
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Video of smoking baby results in mother's arrest. No word if she at least give him a dry rub first
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Cambridge Analytica HQ's in London evacuated after suspicious package is found. Authorities are now checking to see if recent mailings from the White House has anything to do with it
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Listeria outbreak in hospital cafeteria. That's convenient
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That plastic island in the middle of the Pacific has grown into a plastic continent
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High on PCP, stumbling in traffic, and wearing a panty on your head is no way to go through life, bro
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Bill seeks to ban smoking while walking on NYC sidewalks. Gum chewing still ok, for now
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Scottish comedian charged with a hate crime for posting a video of himself teaching his dog to perform a Nazi salute on command to piss off his girlfriend (w/video)
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Arkansas mental hospital psychologist decides to Harley Quinn roleplay with patient
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President of Oklahoma Independent Petroleum Association arrested for driving drunk, turning into a beet based on this mugshot
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News: Man bites dog. Fark: Man bites police K-9 on body cam footage
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Bill would close loophole, require kids ages 8-13 to wear seat belts in Oklahoma
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| (Some Guy) |
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👉👌
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| (Some Gals) |
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Photoshop this play area
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Brisket bandit hits several St. Louis area restaurants. Cabbage cops on the case
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AAAAAAccck ....Woman's worst nightmare comes true after her labia fuse together "due to lack of sex after menopause"
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There ain't no stopping Seattle's bike share program
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So, "Clarissa Explains It All" is coming back, albeit with a Melissa Joan Hart who has gone full Kirk Cameron. What's with all the '90s shows? Tell us all about it after taking the Fark Weird News Quiz, March 11-17 Retread Edition
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Write-in campaign seeks to make "Campus Corgi" student government president. Who says college students aren't responsible and serious?
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Bozo the Clown dies again. Man. This guy is harder to kill than Pennywise
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For the first time in history, the phrase "Count Dankula convicted for Nazi pug antics" actually means something
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I'm stuck to my chair. I'm so very scared. Help
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NYT op-ed pundit declares that yoga pants are "bad for women," jumps back under bridge
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Do not confuse seasonal affective disorder with winter fatigue. However, if you live on the east coast you're probably suffering from both by now
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Add 'going outside' to the list of things that will kill you in Australia
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Florida man achieves a BAC of .316. His mugshot shows how proud he is
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Neighbor accused of using reflective mirror array to direct sunlight to damage couple's retinas, teeth
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Man in Kmart does something that newswriter can't specify but Fark sure can
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If you needed a tow truck north of Boston on Wednesday, they were at a funeral. All of them
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Wisconsin authorities are on the hunt for a serial: A) bomber, B) killer, or C) toilet clogger
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 672: "Angels". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed March 21, 2018 |
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Mad libs or actual news? "Machete-wielding child molester who destroyed victim's house denied break on prison term"
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Tallahassee community theater actor arrested for stealing $77,000 from his day job, after having starred in "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying"
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The couple told authorities they didn't know they couldn't have sex near the elementary school
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The latest list of the best cities to buy scrunchies in is from (A) Buzzfeed, (B) Selena Gomez, (C) Ruth Bader Ginsburg
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There's no denying that you Brits are fat, but on the bright side, you're not as fat as us Yanks or the Aussies
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When you work for Fly Jamaica, don't be surprised if they search you and find the $160,000 worth of cocaine taped to your legs
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You really shouldn't mischaracterize your boss and then send a photoshop to the press to defend yourself. Especially if your boss is the pope
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Meghan Markle to receive first wax job prior to Harry wedding
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Now you too can smell like breakfast all day with this tasty cheese and bacon shampoo combo. Mmmmmm ... smelly cheese and bacon
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Head of global law firm offered to save buddy's marriage with "Christian reconciliation"... by sending her graphic sexual texts and asking her to come to his hotel room
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How do I change the brakes on my Tomcat again?
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Initial police findings is that Uber automated vehicle crash that killed pedestrian was likely 'unavoidable' for any kind of driver "based on how she came from the shadows right into the roadway"
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Scientists intend on sending robots down to visit with Cthulhu
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Photoshop Anubis
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Confused roo on golf course yells at yellow golf flag, tells it to 'putt up its dukes'
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Drunk airline passenger who broke fellow passenger's finger avoids jail because he was already drunk at the airport and the flight crew carried him onto the plane
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In between building homes for impoverished families and fighting metastatic brain cancer, Jimmy Carter found time to assassinate every last guinea worm in South Sudan
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Austin bomber attended a religious group for home schooled kids, which taught him things like archery, gun handling, bible study, gay hating, and bomb making. What a RIOT
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Pet Chicken: Fun for kids, dinner when they tire of it
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It's just a typical English Village with a classic pub, bright red postboxes, two Beefeaters guarding the city hall. Difficulty: It is in North Korea
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Homer man injured in vehicle-tree crash. Glowing bolt found nearby
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Woman asks if she can get fries with her breakfast sandwich at jail security booth, gets arrested
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Begun the Yoga wars have
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Couple caught with 7 pounds of heroin, 2+ pounds of cocaine, $40k in cash and judging by wife's eyebrows, a case or two of Sharpies
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They see me rollin', they 'batin'
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What the fridge? NH Lottery Commission replaces "Luck Yeah" ad campaign because the original phrase sounded like profanity. Shut the front door. Get the fudge out. God bless America
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That's not a car horn. THIS is a car horn
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Astronomer observes a large luminous transient object, receives award for discovering Mars
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Store clerk finds dropped $1 million winning lottery ticket, returns it to owner. Statisticians still calculating the odds of such kindness
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Paris's crumbling Notre-Dame Cathedral hopes wealthy Americans will help save it. We'll get right on it once Infrastructure Week is over
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this floating man
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Nothing says 'spring' in Michigan like picnic tables peeking out from feet of snow. Subby disputes that, would rather go with fresh potholes, construction cones, and people wearing shorts in 40-degree weather
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| (Jurassic Farker) |
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"This is 9-1-1, what's your emergency?" "THERE ARE DINOSAURS IN THE PARK"
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Giving up porn for Lent leads to 17 percent drop in computer viruses across the U.S
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Come on down to Mitch Smith Chevrolet. We have 380 brand new vehicles in stock going for low, low, low prices.* *Some hail damage included
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US Navy rejects humanist chaplains due to their lack of belief in god. Next up: banning non-stamp collecting as a hobby, claiming that bald is a haircut
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"What we know about the Austin bomber." Well, 1. He liked blowing things up. 2. Including himself
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Old woman playing with pebbles on street corner worries bus driver. It's Florida, so no, this is not the title of a Swedish movie about existential angst
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Parole denied in rock throwing case. Caveman lawyer didn't help, either
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Let's just go ahead and lock him up now: Sheriff's deputies say Parkland shooter Nikolas Cruz' younger brother, arrested for trespassing at the scene of the shooting, "admired" how popular his brother is now, and wanted to set up a fan club for him
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Car thief realizes there's an infant in the vehicle he stole, so he stops at a gas station and dumps the infant
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Backlog at New Hampshire crime lab reduced backlog from 3,600 cases down to 1,600 cases following marijuana decriminalization
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Let's take a walk down memory lane and look at some other famous serial bombers
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Don't mess with a man's bacon
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Man charged with operating a "drug factory" apparently used most of the product himself, according to the pictures
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Oklahoma woman who married her mother pleads guilty to incest, awful Supergirl cosplay
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Dad warns public about petting goannas after his son gets bitten. Since this is Australia, the goanna in question is a giant lizard that bit the kid and tried to drag him away
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Dead Austin bomber ID'd as Mark Anthony Conditt, reportedly had dandruff
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Megachurch pastor steps down after scandal, blames Ben Carson's wife
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Remember Puerto Rico? Let's check in and see how they are doing 6 months later. Oh. Out of paper towels, I see
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The shocking poll results in Cook County approve recreational cannabis use by a shockingly razor thin margin of 68%... Well, not that shocking
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Let's give a little Photoshop help for these rails
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Time to cross your paws, it's your weekly Woofday Wetnose Wednesday
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Solar-powered desalination plants could provide the starving nations of the Earth enough salt to last forever
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Zuckup branded early Facebook users 'dumb f***s' for sharing their data with him. That zucks
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Meanwhile in Australia
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"Bannon - while he was a top executive at Cambridge Analytica and head of Breitbart News - approved spending nearly $1 million to acquire data, including Facebook profiles"
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Not content to just persecute homosexuals, the Boy Scouts of America have decided that a Down Syndrome child has had it far too good for far too long
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Even the alcohol industry thinks plastic straws suck
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Officer-involved shooting in Round Rock, Texas with Austin serial bombing suspect, device detonated. Suspect confirmed dead
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Because no one has been killed in a regular car (except for every five minutes), people are really freaked out about one self-driving car death
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"Hey, let's go out for German food," said no one, ever
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Company created by Alexander Nix, CEO of Cambridge Analytica, has a contract with the State Department
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Microsoft exec puts his skill for finding sinking ships to good use
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Elijan Cummings and Jerry "Nads" Nadler ask John Kelly to hand over all the NDA's
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| Tue March 20, 2018 |
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Activists protest brothel full of sex dolls because - reasons
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Zoo solves mystery of female lion's beard
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Spring break underage drinking mug shots: Whoever makes their fake IDs is a grandmaster forger
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Chick-fil-A cashier reminds the customer to take his change. Fark: Change the customer left behind almost a month ago
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What better way to celebrate Grandma's birthday than with a chair-throwing brawl at Golden Corral? (With video goodness)
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Austin Bombing Update: Package explodes at Goodwill, one injured
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Fark NotNewsletter: Of horses and groundhogs
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this sea monster
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Do not smoke in bed or in any car you break into to take a nap
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Big ten inches coming in hard. "Atmospheric River" set to penetrate California with tumbling rocks cascading to the coast, devastating the region, pummeling it into oblivion, and then, perhaps, a cigarette in the doorway, by the shadow of the moon
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Meanwhile, t-shirt irony is alive and well in Connecticut
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Crikey, it's a Greater Australian Racist Bogan in its natural habitat: the welfare office
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Man smuggling $40K worth of cigarettes leads police on 77-mile pursuit
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Photoshop this kabob-basting
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Pit bull goes on rampage in elementary school. Fireball
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Wandering hippo caught in Mexico and transported to zoo. No one knows where it came from as hippos aren't native to Mexico. No shiat. Probably someone got a baby pet hippo and just couldn't handle an adult hippo and released it, as one does
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We're about to see if affluenza can be cured
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A second unexploded bomb bomb at FedEx has blown up the San Antonio Police Chief's credibility
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Couple murdered French nanny then burned her body in their garden after allegations she was being controlled with black magic by a boy band member who is the father to one of defendant's children but was NOT a pedophile. The Aristocrats
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How to recognize different interior design materials from quite a long way away. Number 1, the Larch
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Thieves use JCB to break into McDonald's at 2.50am over St Patrick's Day weekend. Two things that are definitely, er, not related?
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Trump says "It's going to be hard to get rid of us" in today's "You should read the article first" headline
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Shiatter's full
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Man files class-action consumer suit after being shocked to discover Olympia beer is nasty crap made from SoCal tap water rather than nectar of gods made from pure Mt. Rainier snowmelt. Wait until he learns truth about Bud's "beechwood aging" process
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The MST3K Revival League brings you their latest radio play: "The Tragical Historie Of Plan The IX", with standup Dana Gould, Short Circuit's Tim Blaney, Manos' Jackey Neyman Jones, Storm DiConstanzo, and a couple of Farkettes
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You can warn about speed traps on Facebook, but don't call the officers involved smurfs. Crikey
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Pregnant tourist goes wading, gives birth in Red Sea. Well, yeah, it would be
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Officials investigating how woman fell off of 200-foot waterfall. Gravity suspected
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The USS Gerald R. Ford, the most expensive warship in history, was plagued by cost overruns, delays, and Hey guys let's try building two at once
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Miami club to reopen without horses, drug-sniffing mules OK
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Composting is the new alternative to burial or cremation when your beloved pets pass away and you don't find them before they're too gamey for the barbecue
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Man charged after 'gingerbread treehouse' full of child porn found in woods. Disclaimer: NOT made with actual gingerbread
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In an act of unfettered hostility, Seoul is sending 160 artists, including many K-pop singers, to Pyongyang. Expect war to be declared any day now
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Captain Dickhead arrested. Mugshot looks like Sergeant Scrotum Chin might have been a better nickname
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Police seek shoeless man in relation to Toothy Moose stabbing. Toothless squirrel unavailable for comment
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Measles, Kansas. Kansas, measles
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Video of a baby octopus snagging breakfast will either trigger your allergies or make you want to order calamari for lunch
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Maybe it'd be better if we count how many mass shootings we don't have?
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This could get interesting: The Weinstein Company announced they are filling for bankruptcy...and releasing anyone who signed an NDA or confidentiality agreement as part of a settlement agreement so they are free to talk. Your move, Mr. President
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Man cuts off thumb by accident, has it replaced with his own big toe. Doctors say he'll be able to hitchhike in another 6 months
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Photoshop this big boom
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"I know what will help me win this argument, I'll headbutt this reinforced glass shop window, that'll show her who's boss..."*THONK* ... "I should have thought this through" (possible nsfw content on page)
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How quaint. Some countries still arrest their presidents for illegal election shenanigans
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Well at least one man will survive the coming nuclear war, being that he's got 200 pairs of underwear and some other supplies in his bunker he's been building for the last two decades
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The remaining two female northern white rhinos will no longer get the horn
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The bidet is beginning to make a splash in the United States
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Package destined for Austin explodes at FedEx facility near San Antonio, one injured
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Move over United, Delta wants in
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These are the most bullshiat reasons you got pulled over
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How a salty cabbage juice diet set off a silent but deadly Facebook war
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Student calls farking Congressman about farking gun control and Congressman call student's farking principal, who farking suspends him for farking cursing, because fark the 1st Amendment
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Australia. Is there anything there that won't kill you?
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| (Port Technology) |
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Cargo ship was so excited at meeting another that it couldn't contain itself
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Good news: You can now have a police officer fired for catching you in a hidden speed trap. Bad news: You'll have to move to Uzbekistan
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'90s World Problems Today: Residents sad as local Blockbuster Video closes
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Assad takes a page from BFF Putin's "I'm so humble" playbook, stages a publicity stunt where he drives a Honda Accord around Damascus
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News anchor arrested after being accused of assaulting her son because he didn't believe in God. But the real story is SHE'S BEEN WEARING A WIG ALL THIS TIME???
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Virginia Beach launches Adopt-A-Drain program. Yes, you too can have your own storm drain and name it Pennywise's House
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| Mon March 19, 2018 |
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Could you describe the ruckus, sir?
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Dustup at bar results in arrests for fisticuffs, eye gouging. Apparently skullduggery failed to escalate into full-on donnybrook, complete with blackjacks and fishhooks
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All the technical expertise of Geek Squad merged with the caliber of People of Walmart? Sign me up
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Couple meets during jury duty, gets married in same courtroom by same judge. Vegas to list odds that he'll also handle the divorce
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Not news: Man spent 40 years perfecting his mini railway in his attic. News: Sadly he passed away. Fark: His ashes have been placed in a model coal wagon so he can be trundled round the miniature railway
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FSM called and evil_twin_skippy answered
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Yep, that's the mug shot of a church daycare program administrator arrested on child pornography charges
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Bad: being chased on foot by police. Situation improving: finding a bicycle. Florida Man: which you then throw at the police and jump in a lake
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Forget everything you know about Acupuncture because we've supercharged it with LIVE BEEEES
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Burglar caught thanks to DNA left on doorbell. Insert your own Jackson Pollack joke here
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Which cities with large homeless populations bus them out of town to be someone else's problem? Pretty much all of them
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Renovations seem to be dragging. Speed things up with Photoshop
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You're a bomber. This is crazy. Here's our number. Call us, maybe?
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On Paul's Memory Bank tonight at 8PM EDT, a sampling of songs that peaked on a Billboard chart (mostly Hot 100) in the month of March
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Wooly Willy and accomplice busted in drug raid. What do you expect for a guy from Johnstown, Pennsylvania?
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Now for the low low price of $10 to $20 you can have some of Guy Fieri's goatee or bleached-blonde head hairs named after yourself or a special someone. No word on paying just a little extra will get one of the short and curly ones named
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There's "suspiciously specific denial" and then there's "there are no hazardous materials leaking from these derailed train cars . . . and please stay away"
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Man Tased and confused after dropping LSD
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99 year old WW2 veteran takes self on nationwide show and tell tour, meets young WW2 veteran
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Even the former leader of your United States of America, James Earl Carter Jr. thought he saw a UFO once, but it's been proven he only saw the planet Venus. You thought you saw something up in the sky other than Venus, but I assure you, it was Venus
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School bomb threat hoaxes reported to be a result of US Minecraft game feud
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"The victims, ranging in ages from 66 years old to 80 years old, were instructed to buy gift cards from Target to pay this bond." How on EARTH does this scam keep working?
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Out-of-control Chinese space station to crash to earth. Let's check out the more/less likely map to see where. Oh shiat
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| (Dingly Dell) |
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Photoshop something into this fairy tale world
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It's 231 miles to Chicago, a propane tank just exploded in the car, and we're wearing sunglasses
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Ridin' Dirty: Elderly lady takes scooter on interstate, tries to evade police
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Teacher to stand trial for having sex with student, playing banjo too loud
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DUI driver vomits out window, swerves into oncoming traffic, serves up hilarious mugshot
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Skynet hates jaywalkers
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Police looking for crab meat bandit
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So that's what we're calling bar fights these days
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45-year-old who fled to Mexico with his 16-year-old girlfriend forgets the Mexican police don't like pervs either
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The FCC says there are still more than 100,000 pay phones operating in the US. In case you don't know what a pay phone is ...lets just say you can't put it in your pocket or take selfies with it
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| (Vicksburg Post) |
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Three vehicles stolen from same driveway recovered. Dumbass tag for owners
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| (Ogdensburg Journal) |
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Stories from the Nanny State: Let your 11 and 12 year old kids play street hockey in the street? You're damn straight that's a ticketin'
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Woman buys $600 worth of Girl Scout Cookies and has the Girl Scouts hand them out for free, in act that was either generously paying it forward or setting an insidious trap to get more people addicted to Thin Mints
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| (Devon Live) |
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Can you drink breastmilk if your local shops runs out of half and half?
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Carcass of strange creature washes up on Georgia beach. Apparently, it never got its tree-fiddy
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¿ʞɔnp ǝɥʇ ʇɐɥʍ
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Ferry Captain who evacuated hundreds trapped in Manhattan on 9/11has died of a cancer brought on by inhaling the toxic dust and fumes caused by the attack - the 170th 9/11 rescue worker to die that way
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Takes a special level of driving skill to have 26 license suspensions by the time you're 30
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Authorities in Texas have arrested at least a dozen people for animal cruelty after interrupting what they believe was a ritual sacrifice. Victims swear they are just planning the draft for the Cowboys
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'Cop Rocks' hidden all over city to prevent crime, future crappy TV musical series
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Folsom city code allows only two rabbits per home, so naturally police found over 300 at the house about 20 minutes later
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Terrorist terrorizing members of Austin community with tripwire porch bombs
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Paging Dr. Venkman, please return to the cultural center for a left item
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Runner crosses finish line at Lucky Charm race to find a diamond instead of gold
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Photoshop this tea time get-together
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Woman who fatally shot boyfriend during YouTube stunt sentenced to 180 days in jail. Fark: Boyfriend thought holding a book would stop a .50 caliber bullet
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Harry Potter themed burlesque show to raise funds for Utah woman who lost all four limbs. Wait, what?
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'One pot' meth lab found in White Castle restaurant in Indiana gives police an early BINGO win
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Texas deputy fired after tackling a 12-year-old girl at a barbecue restaurant because she decided to pet a puppy
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Who says the party's got to end once they load you onto the police van in cuffs?
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Today's NRA fun news story: Kid shoots his sister dead over video-game controller. See, like the NRA says, video games cause violence, not guns
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Apparently, New York State has solved every one of its problems since legalizing medical marijuana for dogs is on the table
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New survey finds 75% of teachers oppose the idea of being trained to carry guns in schools, Mostly because showing students their 9 mm pistol will force them to teach the metric system
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Gravity continues unbeaten streak
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Mynd you, møøse stabs kan be pretti nasti
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Bad: Getting drunk while only halfway through the annual Beer Mile. Worse: dropping dead only halfway through
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If you're going to hijack a car, it's best not to try to hijack one full of special patrol officers
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Sick burn, bro
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Driving backwards with a BAC of .14 is no way to go through life, Ms. Police Lieutenant
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