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| Sun February 04, 2018 |
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Demand for a "Barbie vagina" has risen by almost 50%.....so have almost all the men that clicked the link
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Best dad EVAR?
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Billionaire wants government to solve his poop problem or he won't pay his property taxes
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Photoshop Challenge - A block, a hawk, and a walk
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Please stop sharing child porn on Facebook - you're not helping find the perpetrator
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I'd buy that for a dollar
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You're filtering your stream water wrong, dumbass
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Oh yeah, bring on the bacon football for your Super Bowl feast. You will be dancing in the end zone no matter who wins
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Teacher, 22, charged with multiple counts of sexual assault of student. Who is 18. And the story appears to change every hour, so who knows what to put in the headline now
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Nevada hoping to cash in on lucrative streetlight tours
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Photoshop these five frogmen
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"Christian" Blogger: Yoga was designed to cause a 'Demonic Trance'. Rest Of The World: Are you a complete moran, or are there some pieces missing? BONUS: Links to his Twitter Page
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"A targeted 11-day information operation ... amplified by computational propaganda techniques and aimed to change both public perceptions and the behavior of American lawmakers"
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Let's disassemble a Tesla 3 to see how carefully it's made -- Oh, dear God
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Only In Minnesota headline: "Brainerd Jaycees investigate cheating in ice-fishing tournament"
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NYPD steal $30,000 worth of booze because of course they did
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They pull into your patch, you pull out a shovel. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the court. That's the ice cream man way
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Caption this little reader
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Man files federal lawsuit claiming his right to free speech was violated after State Trooper gives him a ticket because he gave him the finger. Taunting the dynamite monkey is a bold move Cotton, let's see if it works
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"We don't see anything wrong with the lottery, but the unusual winnings has stumped us"
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Photoshop this vintage VHS tape
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CSB Sunday Morning: Things overheard
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If you want to improve your decision-making skills, just make them in another language because your native tongue is infused with emotions from your family, friends, and television
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Looking for an apartment with four bedrooms, ten bathrooms, four kitchens complete with limestone, herringbone interiors? Submitter would get it but needs more bathrooms
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When Kentucky elk fly
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Am-Off-Trak
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Bell ends in Sandwich
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Guy doesn't have tiger in his tank but he does have a lion on his spare tire
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An actual 1984 news story showing the source of the Florida tag
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A mob of dozens of bicyclists rode the wrong way through the streets of Manhattan, heckling walkers and attacking drivers who confronted them, witnesses say
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700 ♣ / 1 - that's 700 Club stroke one
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New Hampshire court to hear a case about making topless bathing legal. Which really shouldn't be an issue in a state where people can only sunbathe three days out of the year
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| Sat February 03, 2018 |
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I think a writer at CNN is trying to convince himself that everything is fine
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"Two people died in that photograph. The general killed the Viet Cong; I killed the general with my camera"
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Dad who lunged at pedo creep Larry Nassar receiving hundreds of donations from the public for any potential legal fees resulting from Friday's courtroom incident
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Meanwhile, in Russia...
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What's next for Cape Town when they run out of water?
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Photoshop this bird
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Could you die from a lack of sleep?
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Tired of being pulled over and forced to blow into a tube? Now your tires will be pulled over and forced to blow into a tube
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...but not a tear was shed
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Man wears stopwatch, ID badge, sunglasses and boots to poorly-attended neighborhood dance. Sort of NSFW
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Standing your ground doesn't equate to chasing people and shooting them in the back
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60,000 pounds of kitty litter spill from tractor trailer on highway. First responders baffled at what to contain this with
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The only unions that seem to be immune to criticism are collecting massive pay for their do nothing members
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Drink your way through the Super Bowl without the Monday morning hangover
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Texas man arrested for driving 111 miles an hour in Vermont. I know what you are thinking. What is a Texas man doing in Vermont?
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Photoshop Challenge: We all know that Doctors "practice," but just what are they practicing?
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So that Equifax app that promises to "lock" (but not freeze) your credit works about as well as could be expected
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Meet Pigcasso, the painting pig whose artworks sell for thousands of dollars
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Red Panda is getting a new unicycle thanks to the Golden State Warriors. No mad-libs were harmed in the making of this headline
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Welcome to Monowi, Nebraska ... population 1
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This isn't my usual parking space. But as I'm here, double saveloy & chips please (That'll confuse the yanks)
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'Starry Night' is a beautiful painting, just not on a house
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Missing family dog shows up late for dinner ...10 years late, still wants steak
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It's about to get more expensive to flee the country
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It's hard to get arrested at Mardi Gras but some of the things that will get you taken to jail are fighting, trying to return to a bar you've been kicked out of, and punching a police horse
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Own more than two cars? Don't live in this city
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Middle school student plans out the best show and tell ever
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The time Mr. Rogers flew to Baltimore to see a fan who was in the hospital recovering from brain surgery. Story to the left, onion cutting factory to the right
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Photoshop this fierce protector
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I can't think of a pun for this Nazi cop dispute
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Alabama animal rescuer died as she lived: saving cats and dogs. Please raise your glass in memory of this wonderful woman on Caturday
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If you know someone who lost his head during the last decade or so the police would like a word
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New dog rescue shelter opens with a tap room built in. Get drunk and go home with a dog
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People advised to stay inside for: A) Active shooter, B) Drunk and dangerous driver, or C) Guy showing people his wee wee (tag for advisory)
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Airlines confused why passengers, who they treat like shiat and charge for luggage, take that luggage with them during an evacuation
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When it comes to mental health and obesity issues, instead of asking, "what's wrong with you?" we need to start asking, "what happened to you?"
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And to the Republic for which it stands ..... stands ...... STANDS ..... I said STAND dammit
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Shelby Mustang GT500 Miller arrested for driving without a license
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If you thought the DJIA had a bad day, check out Bitcoins
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Dial-an-Agent: ICE takes requests on which immigrants to investigate
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Federal Reserve drops the hammer on Wells Fargo. Warren Buffett last seen looking for his lucky dime
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| Fri February 02, 2018 |
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Goofus shows up drunk at his court-ordered session with a DWI-victim-impact panel, drives away drunk on his suspended license and is arrested again. Gallant is drunk too, but sold his car and moved to the city ages ago
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Today's Fark-ready headline: "Exploding coconut 'sent fear' through crematorium staff"
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If you love someone, beat the crap out of 'em
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O.O
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I'm not dying?
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Cambodia criminalizes any criticism of their dopey-ass looking king
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In a hurry to dry your hair? Ronco has the solution
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Google shows each state's favorite Super Bowl snack
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Photoshop this snekky ferry service
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Goose, goose, duck!
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Fark-ready headline: Dorset knob-throwing festival cancelled for 2018
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There are groundhog days when he see his shadow and there are groundhog days when he doesn't see his shadow. And then there are groundhog days when he attacks a reporter while trying to escape
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Ever the iconoclast, Sir Walter Wally contradicts Punxsutawney Phil, says winter is over
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Ontario groundhog Willie pokes his head oot his hole & tells up-country degens to give their balls a tug cuz it'll be six more weeks of winter. Big surprise, eh boys?
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How to stream the Super Bowl, Kitten Bowl, and Puppy Bowl
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Missing woman shows up on "The Bachelor," regrets not staying missing
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Oregon man placed calls to airports in Nevada and Texas, reporting his father and brother as terrorists because they got an invitation to a family wedding and he didn't
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Naked Florida Man caught riding bike in community gym. Apparently, his kickstand was deployed
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Photoshop these snow monsters
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"An employee who was fired from the Spanaway Walmart for allegedly trying to steal a safe returned to the store days later to try to retrieve what he had left in the safe - his drugs"
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Baby, it's cold outside
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Serial plane stowaway has bizarre outburst in court
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Turkish court overturns ruling to release Amnesty chair. Angry chair, slatted chair of woe considering appeals
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7 guys with guns rob phone store near where police are holding training. Bonus crazy surveillance video
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Some African countries are using Trump's sh*thole comments to boost tourism: "We would like to invite you to come to sh*thole Namibia, one of the best sh*thole countries out there"
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Because of course he does
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Smoking in a van full of volatile chemicals, surprisingly a bad idea
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Father accused of dropping 'vaping liquid' into 9-week-old baby's mouth: 'I've done it before'
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Archaeologists find pool of water in ancient church but cannot determine what it was used for
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Michigan senate candidate drops out of race after defending Larry Nassar and questioning the sex life of the judge on his case
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Washington Monument to get permanent erection, says National Park Service spokesperson Mike Litterst
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Worst. Game. Ever
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United Airlines tightens rules for comfort animals after peacock denied flight at Newark
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So what are the animals saying about the Super Bowl? Here are predictions from different critters across the country
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Dad of three child victims lunges at Larry Nassar during court hearing, forcing recess
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14 million Americans will miss work Monday. Or, you know, the NFL could move the game to Saturday
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Photoshop Theme: The world's worst job
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Now I know my BAC. Next time won't you sing with me?
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You always want to be first in something. Except for being the first person charged under Ohio's new anti-bestiality laws
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Don't believe that fingering a teenage girl is a necessary part of a scoliosis exam? Maybe you missed the PowerPoint presentation
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MAN DIES WHILE HIKING ON ECHO CANYON TRAIL WITH FAMILY... Man dies while hiking on Echo Canyon Trail with family... ᴹᵃᶰ ᵈᶦᵉˢ ʷʰᶦᶫᵉ ʰᶦᵏᶦᶰᵍ ᵒᶰ ᴱᶜʰᵒ ᶜᵃᶰʸᵒᶰ ᵀʳᵃᶦᶫ ʷᶦᵗʰ ᶠᵃᵐᶦᶫʸ
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Pro-tip: When arguing with a judge, do not say you are going to bring your .44 magnum
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Dog inside™
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48% of high school seniors identify taxes as cause of the Civil War
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IL supreme court unanimously decides that, without a compelling reason, the state can't restrict rights from: (A) sexually liberated women who want to get abortions, (B) child migrants who want citizenship, (C) men who want to carry guns near parks
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Will Phil see his shadow, ushering in endless winter? Or will he face his fears and the audience? Will Ned Ryerson say BING? I GOT YOU BABE, it's Groundhog Day 2018, all the major networks covering it starting at 6AM ET. LGT livestream
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It's easy to condemn a petty thief if you haven't walked a mile in his shoes. But it's considerably easier if he's walked a mile in yours and still has them on when the cops arrive
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"You know it's not true, if someone pees on the bed, where you going to sleep?"
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United passenger finds "forever" ticket from 1998. Since you're reading this, you should know how this didn't turn out
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If you plan on going to Gobbler's Knob here are some tips. Missing: Don't drive angry. In fact, don't drive. There's no parking on Gobbler's Knob. You'll have to either walk there from downtown Punxsutawney or catch a shuttle bus
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Passenger restrained with duct tape and zip ties after storming cockpit, apparently after misunderstanding the flight attendant as having said they were also out of coffee
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New Times headline run through Fark filter after media attention forced Arizona State to cancel fapping seminar
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Ugly ass baby sloth born at Denver zoo, will cling to mother for at least 6 months like a recent college graduate
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| Thu February 01, 2018 |
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Naked bank robber not guilty by reason of insanity, Florida
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'Stupid, arrogant' cyclist (I know, redundant) shouts at train driver after he ignores barriers to stop
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Half Your Base Are Begin To Risk
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10-year-old boy suffers severe allergic reaction to antibiotic, loses all skin, eyes. While unresponsive for 45 minutes, says he saw man in white robe standing in room. Was it God, Jesus, an angel? Who cares? Kid's blind. GoFundMe link in story
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"Somebody get the salami and cream-cheese and rub it all over his face! He's unconscious! On the ground! With the mop! That's the story!"
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Which fashion brand is having its #MeToo moment? Go on, Guess
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If 'penis wiggling' at your offensive neighbor at the beach is wrong I don't want to be right
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A tortoise that escaped six months ago has been found, only 1,056 feet from where she escaped
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Gates flipped
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Photoshop this toy guitar
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How can four people drive a car at once?
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Woman campaigns to have "fireman" mascot changed to "firefighter" and that makes people hot
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Porta Potty arsonist still at large. Investigators focused on local Taco Bell Restaurants
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Tom Brokaw donates 50-year archive of his reporting to the University of Iowa, including, we assume, his classic Gerald Ford eulogy
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Today's investigative claim about D.B. Cooper is: a) He's alive and living quietly in Monowi, NE b) was an alien and was pulled into a saucer and whisked away by fellow aliens c) a CIA agent whose identity has been covered up by federal agents
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| (Some Food Nut) |
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Fark Food Thread: Be it a work event or the big game, what's your go-to when taking a dish for pot luck?
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Torn from the front page of the Bangor Daily News: THE BACON TREE IS CLOSING
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Some people call him the cocaine cowboy, some call him the gangster of crack
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15 years ago today, we lost a manned spacecraft for the last time, so far. What have we learned?
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Photoshop these vintage bar stools
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A Facebook Live video purportedly showing a live view of a "supermoon" over Greece, which in fact was actually a still image with wind sounds added, was viewed more than 16 million times over four hours on Wednesday. Tag is for Facebook
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There's lazy and then there's slippers that put themselves away when you take them off lazy (w/video)
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Russia boasts of having used 215 new weapon systems during the Syrian War, including the Submersible Fighter Aircraft, the Placebo Air Defense, and the Rapid-Evacuation Airbase
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Cape Town races to avert a water shortage Day Zero. Doo-dah
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Buttocks whitening cream and a full moon lead to charges of misrepresentation
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Pornhub offers 110 gallons of lube to the city of Philadelphia for its dry pole problem after the police department announces it won't grease up the city's light poles for the upcoming Super Bowl
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Middle school bans open containers
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U.S. Military in 2017: "Fielding a reliable railgun just isn't possible." U.S. Military in 2018: "Mr. President, we must not allow a railgun gap"
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Behold the subway masturbator
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What do Abraham Lincoln's nose and Brigham Young's finger have in common?
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No one dead in LA middle school shooting, only injured, so no need to reset the clock or talk about gun control. Bonus: shooter was female
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Most stowaways are confined to the brig, this one however was given a luxury suite and a 24-hour attendant
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In China, many women are reluctant to be bridesmaids for their friends because they are required to drink on behalf of the bride, sometimes fatally
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Peru's famous and enigmatic Nazca Lines have endured 2,000 years of wind, rain, and earthquakes, but one drunk or stupid truck driver was too much for them
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If you've seen a girl, 5'8", with red hair, hazel eyes, missing arms, and scuffed nipples, the owner of Beer Punx would like to hear from you
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Want to make $10k/hour? People everywhere are doing it. By taking Equifax to small claims court and winning
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Polish lawmakers approve bill that would impose jail terms for suggesting Poland was complicit during the Holocaust, drawing outrage from Israel, which suggested they just go back to making screen doors for submarines like before
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Today, we learn that 'cat-detecting search dogs' exist
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Shocker: Town sued within a week of banning non-residents from using shortcut to George Washington Bridge. Town says, "Fark, thought we could get away with it"
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Two girls in Alabama suspended after one asked the other to prom. Roy Moore quickly offers to be their joint date
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Man calls in bomb threat to help girlfriend who couldn't afford a lawyer for her kids' custody case, now needs a lawyer of his own
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Florida lawmakers are finally tired of fake sign language interpreters showing up to translate during news conferences
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this intense stare
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What's after cancer? Still no cure for that
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Mayor asks for high school mascot change amid concerns about phallic connotations
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This is Pennsylvania. We speak English here. Except these 13 towns
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"911, what's your emergency?" "I WAS SHOT SIXTEEN TIMES." "What's your address...yeah, that's outside the city. We can't help you"
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Did you want to know why things are getting crazier lately? "Negotiations" are going on about the dozen topics Mueller wants to question Trump about in an interview
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"People are not under surveillance," Mr. Harrison said. "We want to make that clear. We're just installing 1500 cameras to look at all the boobies being flashed during Mardi Gras"
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The Catholic Church says they've changed for the better after abuse scandals, and what better way to demonstrate that than opposing a bill to extend the statute of limitations for reporting child sexual abuse
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Landscaper fills planters with tulips, two legs, two arms, miscellaneous parts
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IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM...wait
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The good news is, Goodwill has a bargain grenade launcher for sale. UPDATE: It's a toy
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Driver gets rear ended in hit and run. Gives chase. Rolls car. Fark: Continues chase
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I guess we know which one's the evil twin
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 665: "Comfort 2". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed January 31, 2018 |
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Udder perversion
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Don't accidentally bring your airsoft pistol to school in your backpack. And if you do accidentally bring your airsoft pistol to school in your backpack, DON'T mention it on the bus on the way in. And if You do mention it, DON'T snap-chat about it
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Of all the ways to go, "Death by zebra crashing into your Land Rover" has to be pretty rare
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Old man yells at Tinder
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Bad: Getting ripped at work by your boss. Worse: Getting ripped at work by your tire shredder
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Doc sends coroner to pronounce breathing, moving patient dead. Coroner refuses, tells doc to see patient again. Doc says to keep waiting and he'll stop breathing. Patient eventually dies. See? See?
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Owner receives letter granting dog unemployment benefits
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Militant vegan calls dairy farmers 'rapists' and compares himself to abolitionsts from the days of slavery
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Photoshop this Retina II F (Type 047)
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The FBI Agent that Pro-Trump Republicans are claiming has a "treasonous" anti-Trump bias not only favored reopening the Clinton investigation in October 2016, but helped draft Comey's now-infamous memo
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Beer + Pot = Shooting Trees
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Inmate awaiting sentencing for child porn conviction passes coded message to associate to kill judge on his case. Obviously things don't go as he planned
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Bras under huge pressure removed. Absent comma tally: two
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Please ignore the radiation-scanning helicopters searching downtown for nukes, nothing to see here
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The deepening mystery of Pierre Agnes, the Quicksilver CEO whose boat washed ashore in France devoid of passengers
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Trump apparently asked Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein if he was "on my team." Rosenstein reportedly answered that he did go through a phase in college, but, hey, didn't everyone?
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Photoshop Theme: The most amazing magic trick
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He's got the 'panty' thing down pat, and the 'raid,' but what's up with the bull skull?
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New report finds roaches, mice, flies infest hundreds of NYC public school cafeterias. City says that's just Wednesday's menu
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If you lost 39 hand grenades, 9 of them live, authorities on Maryland's Eastern shore would like to have a word
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There is a movement to put a $20 tax on the internet
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"Have it your way, at Burger King" was just an advertising slogan. It's not to be taken literally, and it certainly doesn't mean you can just walk in, whip out your junk and start beating it like it owes you money
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Philly issues new challenge to the city's elite pole climbing teams
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Hamas co-founder declared winner of No Lackin' Challenge
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Bystander on the ground thinks, "hey, free helicopter"
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27 funny, no-pressure Valentine's Day gifts, including a "Stranger Things" inspired card and "Fifty Shades of Bacon"
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When the federal government has to intervene to dissolve your frat, maybe the party was a little too inappropriate
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Bangor's attempt to break beer can record comes up short by 28 beers
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"If a ship had 26 sheep and 10 goats onboard, how old is the ship's captain?"
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GOP lawmakers provide live demonstration of their plan for America
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According to a recent survey, more than 40% of those under age 33 prioritize 'Instagrammability' when choosing their next holiday spot
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How Millennials will make retirement better for Baby Boomers
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Guys who discovered cache of ancient gold coins in Britain find out it was a prop for a television show
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Washington State helpfully releases a list of which bridges are 'structurally deficient' which is . . . pretty much all of them. Enjoy your commute
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Hunter shot dead before killing second lion raised in captivity. Grumpy cat might have some thoughts on this
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Ahh young love: getting to know each other, sharing each others interests, going on dates where you cling to the back of a train going 75mph
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Spanish van driver plays the wildest game of Jenga ever with his vehicle and 20 large wooden pallets
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Police pull over car crammed with oranges. Julius wanted for questioning
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Indiana restaurant will no longer be serving the cocaine cheese stick special
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Man with .419 BAC gives up on field sobriety test, tells police he's 'going to jail anyways' No word on his Fark handle
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Browsing for porn in the UK will now require a user ID and other personal information
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Photoshop this guy and his early IBM 305 RAMAC Disk System
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Weimaraner puppy protects museum products from pests. It's your Woofday Wetnose Wednesday
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Cat burglar's two-year neighborhood reign of underwear terror comes to an end after furry culprit gets caught red-pawed
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Asshats in truck keep pointing laser at National Guard helicopter. Chopper, "which was built to track vehicles," goes full "Airwolf"
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El Paso discovers The Alamo's basement
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I'd probably puke if I chugged a bottle of Jaegermeister. Good thing this girl shotgunned a Red Bull afterwards
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An 11-year-old girl is sewing handbags to help the hurricane victims in Puerto Rico which still 10x more than what the president has done
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Journalism 2018: Food critic reviews Taco Bell's new french fries. "If I have one gripe about them, it's that the fries aren't nearly spicy enough"
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Wow Jeff Foxworthy has really let himself go
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Paris opens doors to France's first ever sex doll brothel. Qua mais?
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People with high blood sugar more likely to get Alzheimer's, long-term cognitive decline. Also true for people with high blood sugar
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Man shot at Daytona Beach apartment complex, possibly by some sort of trebuchet
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| Tue January 30, 2018 |
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Most of the Saudis netted in the Crown Prince's anti-corruption crackdown have now been released, $100 billion poorer, after nearly 2 months of detention in the Ritz Carlton. Man, those minibars are pricey
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It's National Corn Chip Day so naturally it's time to smell your dog's feet and draw strange conclusions
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The world's second oldest man gets promoted (possible nsfw content on page)
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Weird venomous sea creatures wash up on beach, reality TV
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Drew Brees' sons violate the first rule of Kid Fight Club on live TV
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Now we'll never know if drunks burn hotter than sober folks
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♫"...They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy. Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. ♫ But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is I'm the only one, IIIIIIII'm the only one". ♫♫ Until now
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First Montana, now California's passing their own net Neutrality Laws? What's going on...a sudden outbreak of common sense?
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Dynamite or not, just don't taunt the monkey
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CEO of Humane Society accused of not treating staff um, humanely
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Today, hot dogs taught me that "Where's Waldo?" is British and is called "Where's Wally?" outside of U.S. and Canada (possible nsfw content on page)
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Cow skates better than Lightning's Dan Girardi, though that doesn't say much
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Teen dying from rare form of cancer marries his high school sweetheart. Soon to be a Netflix Original presentation starring Hailee Steinfeld and Steve Buscemi
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Photoshop this daring motorcyclist
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Plane that led D-Day invasion to fly over Normandy again
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Lawyers faced with emojis and emoticons are all ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Hearing voices is actually a sign of well-tuned brain. Acting on the voices when they tell you to paint yourself purple and run naked down the New Jersey turnpike not so great
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Food and Drug Administration is asking manufacturers to change how they package and handle loperamide. Side effect may cause population explosion of underpants gnomes
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How many Farkettes on here found their dream man dirty, with a big beard and living on the streets?
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Thanks to a sheriff deputy, man avoids placing third on the "That's the way I wanna go" list, behind getting caught in the gears of a combine and having your nuts bit off by a Laplander
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Pizza: Part of this complete breakfast
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Good news: Zion Curtain to keep Utah kids from seeing mixing, pouring of alcoholic drinks reformed. Fark: Now must be Zion Walls
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What happens when Gramps accidentally bumps the remote off of Fox News and onto the Grammys? An insane letter to the editor
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US Military releases video of Russian jet passing within 5 feet of an American aircraft. Article includes the term "jet wash", but did not indicate if anyone was flipping the bird
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Japanese tits sound the alarm
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"What kinds of cannabis do you sell here?" "Well, our biggest seller is Blue Screech." "Blue Screech? What is that like?" "Well, it hits you like a runaway car"
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POTUS' pick for most violent city in America tops best cities poll. Coverage by Daily Mail raises doubts as to the existence of Donald Trump
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Fallout from Baltimore police corruption trial continues as cops reveal that they kept toy guns to plant on the unarmed people they shot
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Photoshop these bathers in the mist
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Facebook users to Facebook: "We don't care if we get our news from Russian propaganda troll pages. We LIKE them that way. Now leave us alone, you deep state lackey"
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So how much are you betting on the Super Bowl? America will bet about $4.76 BILLION on it
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$3.50 hot dog wins a James Beard Award, makes Time magazine and Fark.com. May run in 2020
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Chris Pratt to star in first commercial, entirely because he likes beer. Fark handle currently unknown
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Man recognized for 100th blood donation. Please give blood. Just not in an old milk jug. Or as a wedding present
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Florida Man, Florida Man, steal a bar of gold any way you can
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Your dentist may soon be talking to you about oral sex. Which is odd, since they know much more about drilling
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Hawaii missile alert supervisor clicked the Add Link button instead of Preview
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Shockingly, gay man who married straight woman to uphold Mormon values getting divorced
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Plane's flight attendants strip down to bikinis, put on "improvised performance" to welcome home national soccer team. For some reason, airline company not OK with this
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Naked and intoxicated burglar in Pennsylvania breaks into a building, and also accidentally called 911 on himself. Your move, Florida Man
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TSA finds record 3,957 guns at airport checkpoints in 2017, mostly from Burt Gummer's carry-on bags
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"Listen, and understand. Florida Man is out there. He can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. And he will not stop ringing your doorbell until you shoot him"
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To 'salt' icy roads, some states are using beet juice, molasses, cheese waste, or beer
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German tanks were considered the best in the world until they arrived in Syria. This is not a repeat from 1941, so put down that bazooka
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Need a drinking game for tonight's address? Fill out your State of the Union BINGO card and get your drinks ready
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Despite what you may have seen on television, officials want you to know that a fighter pilot would not have the callsign "Clown Penis"
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I'm sorry to disappoint you, but no you can't take a peacock on an airplane
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"I used to be a package thief. Then I took a package to the knee"
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Can anybody read what is on this robber's eyebrow and throat in this mugshot?
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Not content to stand idly by and let millennials have all the fun, baby boomers are killing the early bird special
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Dad delivers baby in minivan. Also may not have thought his choice of t-shirt through
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Large quantity of meth hidden in fake soda can, Alabama, mug shot. Yep all the boxes are checked
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Seven-year-old boy led out of school in handcuffs after punching out teacher. Or as they might say in Florida: "Thursday"
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Flight forced to make U-turn after issue arises with on-board toilets. If only there were 85 plumbers on board...oh wait
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Amazon, Berkshire Hathaway, and JP Morgan Chase to form Voltron of Healthcare. Though probably more like the Zarquon Empire
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Sydney harbor Ferry McFerryface renamed after embarrassing revelation
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Dad, young sons are top-ranked professional cornhole players (snicker)
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Drug companies ship 20.8 million prescription painkillers to a West Virginia town in a 10 year period. Difficulty: Town has a population of 2,900
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Photoshop this umbrella crossing
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The authorities are investigating what could possibly be the best nursing home ever
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Holy Grail of dinosaurs found in the Egyptian desert. Promptly taunts paleontologists from its perch on the castle wall
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School meant to show children the Paddington movie but instead aired porn, though that was less damaging and terrifying
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Fox & Friends host Brian Kilmeade refuses to get a flu shot as it's only 30% effective. Let's hope this clip doesn't go viral
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There are stupid criminals, and then there's THIS guy
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Remember those "patriotic locals" fighting the oppressive Ukrainian government in Donetsk in 2015? One of their leaders, named Valery Asapov, just happened to die in Syria, wearing a Russian general's uniform while commanding Russian troops
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Pallas cat is back perched over the chamber door
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Christopher Wray names David Bowdich as Assistant Director to replace Andrew McCabe. Bowdich was PD, SWAT, Sniper, Joint Terror Task Force, Anti-Gang Task Force, and is loyal, career FBI. TL;DR- he's Mini Mueller
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Amazon Go is great. Great at wrapping every single item for sale in a death shroud of plastic
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Cockroaches in cars causing crashes
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Buying a home in San Francisco will now cost more than just an arm and a leg, it'll take your kidney, gall bladder and adenoids too
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Government building evacuated because of: A) Suspicious package B) Suspicious backpack C) Bag of popcorn in the break room microwave
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In Australia, even the kangaroos are out to get you
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If you sleepwalk, make sure to close the windows before you go to bed
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Remember that same sex couple who thought they found a loophole in Russia's recognition of gay marriage and ended up charged with damaging their passports? They've now had to flee the country
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Two on duty cops eat pot edibles raided from dispensary, start hallucinating then call for backup. Bonus: One of the responding cops injures himself during the "rescue". That's some fine police work, Lou
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Nicest booty you'll see today (SFW)
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DUI suspect drives for another block on three wheels after crash, tells bystander "don't tell them I was texting"
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See lion roaming the streets of Oregon. Oh sorry, sea lion roaming the streets of Oregon. Oh sorry again, did this joke last week
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Nearly half of Colorado pot users polled admit going to work high, according to auto sales app with no polling, marijuana use expertise
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Because fark that article from Sunday, that's why
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Usually in an accident involving money scattered all over a highway an armored car is involved, not a hatchback carrying an illegal slot machine
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ƃuᴉpuɐl pooƃ ɐ sᴉ ɯoɹɟ ʎɐʍɐ ʞlɐʍ noʎ ƃuᴉpuɐl ʎu∀
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Pool Noodle owner looks exactly as you'd expect
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Anthem to ER patient: Sorry, being doubled-over in excruciating pain with suspected appendicitis isn't really an "emergency," so you're now on the hook for $12,000. Share and Enjoy
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Fark NotNewsletter: I'm so confused
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I think I shall never see something as dumb as a bike in a tree
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Photoshop theme: A new kind of flavor for bubble gum
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It's R&B / Soul Night on Paul's Memory Bank tonight at 8PM ET
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Russia, apparently eager for a mid-air collision to occur, flew a fighter within 5 feet from a P-3 Orion in their closest approach to date
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Qantas 787 travels from Los Angeles to Melbourne on mustard-seed biofuel. Ketchup ship and pickle-copter still in design phase
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Jared Kushner finally did something good
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100 years ago, Florida tried science, with expected results (possible NSFW content on page)
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Are you sitting down? Ok, this may come as a shock, are you ready? Ok, good. Turns out Bitcoin's historic rise may be sham
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"Officials did not specify how the [sand] tunnel was dug," but since paramedics had to dig Florida Man out from it, we can assume the answer is "not well"
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6'9" Florida Man™ arrested after beating armless, legless girlfriend. If that wasn't enough Florida for you, she didn't have a phone either. So he pushed her wheelchair to Walmart so she could report him (w/mugshot goodness)
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Masquerade ball held where fathers, daughters dance the night away. Creepy or clean family fun? You decide (hint: creepy)
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Sometimes in life, you just need a chihuahua pillow
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Photoshop this vintage record store
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And now for something completely different: Man stuffs thousands of bees down his t-shirt with his bare hands (possible NSFW content on page)
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Half-Scoop doesn't think "the American taxpayer" should have to pay McCabe's pension, has a terminal case of irony
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"Loose cow runs wrong way down road," which suggests that there's a right way for a cow to run down a road and it involves tightening the horns or something
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The City of Houston has more brothels than Starbucks, no mention if there are four brothels at one intersection though
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This day in 1954, Seattle started eating bags of Dick's
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The U.S. Park Service would like you to stop leaving the cremated remains of recently deceased Vietnam vets at the Memorial Wall, please. I guess that means full bodies are OK, then?
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Ownership battle heats up over Ulva. With helpful picture of a little man in a boat
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Rat filmed cleaning itself by having a shower just like a human. Was reportedly with a weird creature that has blue fur and a big nose
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If you live in Toronto and you've had landscaping done by this guy, those large decorative planters on your patio probably contain a dismembered body
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NYC chef sues Hustler Club for $1 million, says angry stripper punched him in face and knocked out his tooth after he called her a bad mom
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Less than 4 in 10 Americans can afford to have a minor emergency. In other news, is there really such a thing as a 'minor emergency'?
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FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe stepping down to spend more time with grand jury
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Back in the 70s when you got caught streaking, you got yelled at by Ethel and paid a fine. Today you streak and get caught, you get crowdfunding to pay the $5000 fine
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