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| Sun June 04, 2017 |
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I'm here to drink tea and kick ass, and I'm all out of tea
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Shait's starting to get real in Portland (Video stream no longer available)
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Photoshop Theme: Failed reality show advertisements
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If you spilled nails along 15 miles of one of Southern California's busiest freeways, the CHP and 40 pissed off motorists would like to have a word with you
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Truck carrying 40,000 pounds of bananas rolls over. The bananas are okay, but unfortunately Harry Chapin is dead
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$8 Aldi wine ranked among the world's best. Shopping cart quarter not included
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You haven't mowed your lawn correctly until you've done it with a giant tornado in the background
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Thousands attend asparagus festival
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this dancing girl
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75 years ago today the United States Navy met a Japanese fleet that had run rampant for 6 months in battle off of Midway Atoll and achieved one of the greatest victories in its history, decisively changing the course of the war in the Pacific
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Columnist issues £50,000 challenge for Islamic State terrorists to a sword fight after London attack, says there can be only one
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Evacuate the pub? If I must - but at £6 a pint, I'm taking it with me
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When in doubt, bench press a goose
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Dad walks his daughter to school on her first day of kindergarten and her last day of high school. Is it dusty in here or what?
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Guys *inhales* did you know that if you turn Donald Duck upside down *exhales* you get Donald Trump? *inhales*
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this serene scene
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Popular people live longer
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Better ingredients, better cocaine. Papa John's
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Look, guys, it's 2017. It's cool to come out of the closet and celebrate being GLBT. So quit trying to pick up dudes in public restrooms, parks, OK?
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| Sat June 03, 2017 |
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"Free Solo" climber conquers El Capitan without ropes or safety gear. Companion nearby seen wearing rocket boots
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Utah's new BAC limit lowest in nation. Cell phones, make-up, kittens considered more dangerous than the new level
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| (Some Guy) |
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"It's costing us millions a month for her and Barron to ignore Papaya Pol Pot, AND for her to be getting her pipes cleaned by some scruffy dude downstairs"
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American Airlines forgets double amputee's wheelchair and then it gets weird
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Photoshop Challenge: Complete this incompletion
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"Brother of man who dismembered boy found dead in closet in Brooklyn." What's the German word for that?
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Reset Big Ben. Another attack on London Bridge
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How to raise a feminist son like we do for girls
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Iron Photoshop ingredient: Fidget Spinners (LGT examples)
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Smoking and drinking till you're 111 years old is...well...actually the way to go through life
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Liberal activist judge forces small town to spend $3.25 million to build a mosque because their town didn't have one
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Judge: "I understand your sexual partner cannot testify today because she's got laryngitis." Defendant: "No, your Honor, I said she's a little horse"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Farker Vicejay is yet again asking for funds for his food bank...except this time, you might win $5K. (DIT, link goes to duck goodness, tag is for YOU, you awesome bastid.)
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It's all fun and games 'til someone cuts off their penis
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High school graduate accidentally shoots his load on his girlfriend
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Bear wanders into house, plays piano, wanders out. This is not a context headline
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Yo dawg, i heard you like surveillance cameras so we got you on surveillance camera stealing 3 surveillance cameras
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Swimming snakes. Why did it have to be swimming snakes?
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Here's a beer. Will you be our dad for a few hours
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This week the Saturday Morning Book Club is in the mood for love ... what's your favorite romantic novel?
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Having a wonderful time in India. Vishnu were here
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North Korea using only the finest Russian parts in their missiles
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Photoshop these Scottish mountain folk
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Butt lift results in dead end
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An old, grumpy, battle-scarred, anti-social former feral cat who thought he finally got his chance to live out his golden years in peace at TinyKittensHQ just received a very rude awakening - and he's loving every minute of it on Caturday
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Want a Jackson Pollock painting? Have an extra $15 million hidden under your mattress? Well you better get to Scottsdale, Arizona because they're auctioning one off
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Okay (okay, okay) ... just a little pinprick ... there'll be no more AHHHHHHHH, but you may nod off, cross the center line, strike a trailer being pulled behind a vehicle, and then hit a tree and a fiber optics box before ending up in someone's yard
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A "highly intoxicated" man crashes his car into a tractor hauling a huge disc harrow which crashes through the windshield and totals the car. So, of course, the drunk man staggers away without a scratch
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| Fri June 02, 2017 |
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Hackers publish 25,000 private photos from plastic surgery clinic. Police call it the biggest display of reconstructive surgery since Cher's former agent released all her old headshots
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McDonald's foray into new coffee offerings has been a real shot in the arm for the restaurant - and now a shot in the neck
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Lil Kim has now earned the full attention of *two* American aircraft carrier groups parked off the North Korean coast. With jaw-dropping video of what a combined fleet might look like
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Photoshop these downhill sliders
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PornHub releases map of most misspelled search terms by state and it seems there's a lot of users typing with one hand
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German rock festival halted due to Terrorism threat. Ja Rule be like "Why the hell didn't I think of that"
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He's done
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Was Kathy Griffin shot and killed trying to escape custody? No; she was just tagged and released
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Dude who got trans fat taken out of pretty-much everything has died at 102. Looks like diet and exercise pays off after all
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Photoshop these whiskey barrels
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Kindergarten graduation party. Seems a little silly. Shoving match between two 6 year olds. Seems a little stupid. Parents escalate the violence. Seems a little scary. Someone gets shot. Seems a little Fark
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Man with poor impulse control and questionable life choices is arrested for the second time in a week. You can't explain that
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Families at public school talent event get unexpected drag show. Not everyone approves
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XKCD takes a crack at the misspelled word map and ends in just the right spot
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Trucks can now drive across the new Tappan Zee Bridge without dropping into the Hudson, which is more than can be said for the current Tappan Zee Bridge
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Dutch working toward Futurama travel
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"Made in Italy" branding plan, designed to create a national identity for iconic Italian foods, and thwart foreign imitations of Italian cuisine, implodes spectacularly after Italians can't even figure out what it means to be Italian
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There are many ways to try and beat a DUI rap; putting a penny under your tongue, hyperventilating, chewing a large wad of gum, none really work. This guy tried a different approach; stripping naked and throwing a fit. It didn't work either
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ISIS condemns Kathy Griffin for cultural appropriation
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That Manilla Casino attack that ISIS claimed responsibility for that left 35 people dead? Authorities are saying the perp wasn't a "lone wolf" terrorist so much as a "robber with an extremely poorly thought-out plan"
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Dad overdoses on heroin to teach his addict son a lesson. Glad my son's a sex addict
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"Tech support, what's your issue?" "Hi, yeah. We're having a problem with our computers and had to cancel the flights of 75,000 passengers" Tech Support: "Did you make sure it's plugged in?"
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NASA astronaut Jack Fischer shared a video of himself building a tower of pudding in microgravity and then eating his own creation
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this up-close art aficionado
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Mother who broke neck sneezing breaks it again while laughing
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Tiananmen Square: On this site, almost 28 years ago, something happened. And a photographer who was there thinks the world should know it wasn't fake news
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In case you were tired of having your faith in humanity restored: Video review spots thief making off with wedding ring and backpack of Portland stabbing victim
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Your dog wants a steak, not meatballs filled with nails
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The Weather Channel lets us all know what they think of Trump's decision to pull out of the Paris Climate Agreement
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While you're sitting at work drinking stale coffee and reading Fark threads like you've been doing every mindnumbing day for the last 1,639 days, there's a guy who abruptly quit his job to sail the Pacific Ocean with no particular destination in mind
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With the way things are going in Trump's Amerikka, it's time you honestly ask yourself if in an emergency you could start your own fire
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Ananya Vinay wins the Scripps National Spelling Bee by spelling "marocain". Marocain? Inconceivable!
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Swimming with a new tattoo? Enjoy your flesh-eating bacteria (graphic image warning)
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Yo dawg, I heard you like otters, so here's some otters eating otter pops on World Otter Day
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| Thu June 01, 2017 |
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Lawyers, drugs, and money
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Police pick up baby gator before local students find him and make him shotgun a beer
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Ever seen a crab with two oysters growing on it? Now you have. Now where's the butter?
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Photoshop this odd looking contraption
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Farmer: You queers can't marry at my Cider Mill. City: Well, then I guess you can't sell your goods at our farmer's market. Farmer: STOP DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME
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Burger King 0, Belgium King 1
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Thoughts and Prayers™ now officially public policy in Kentucky
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Proud San Francisco newspaper in publication since 1865 muses on how a building looks like a butt plug
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"From Wasp Nests To Detox Pearls: 6 Things You Should Not Be Putting Anywhere Near Your Vagina"
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If a naked woman is using your dumpster area as her personal bathroom, you only have yourself to blame
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Photoshop this perfect 10
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People across the country are receiving unsolicited BIE. Let's hope they still remember the rules
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U.S. pulls out of Paris, still needs a shot of penicillin
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If a news chopper is going to record you crashing into a pole during a high speed chase, you might as well cheese it up in your mug shot
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If you're arguing with your friend in the car while you're on the highway and you're surprised when he gets mad and throws your heroin out the window, don't be surprised if he goes back to get it and gets himself run over
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State Police in Iowa catch speeder going 144 mph. Apparently when you want to get out of Iowa speed is no consideration
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1 dead and 2 still missing after explosion rips hole in corn mill. The whole corn plant leveled, corn holed one might say
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Frigid crack gets larger. Story to the left, your mom jokes to the right
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Can't spell "SUSSEX" on a water tower without "SEX"
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The number one reason you should stop eating fidget spinners
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Apparently, Slate writers need a professional lifeguard to tell them that the lifeguarding shown in the new Baywatch movie isn't really an accurate portrayal of how lifeguarding works
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Man complains to Austin, TX's mayor after theater plans to hold women-only screening of "Wonder Woman." Mayor replies in surprisingly non-typical Texan fashion
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Utah says there is no constitutional right to marry your laptop
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A matte white Himalaya Niloticus crocodile diamond Birkin 30 handbag was sold Wednesday in Hong Kong for over $377,000, making it the most expensive handbag ever sold at auction. That sentence alone was worth more than your weekly paycheck
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Danes can now grill bacon using burning copies of the bible and qur'an. Tasty non-blasphemous bacon
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Why is the burning tanker on the highway never filled with marshmallow fluff? Why does it always have to be gasoline or chemicals and shiat? Just once, I want to see a news story about a tanker of marshmallow fluff on fire. Just once
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Pair of Texas bounty hunters and the fugitive they were chasing demonstrate what happens when everybody involved is a Second Amendment supporter
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"The peacock is a lifelong celibate. It never has sex with the peahen. The peahen gets pregnant after swallowing the tears of the peacock"
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Photoshop this diver
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After recent missile test, Kim Jong-un warns of giving the U.S. a bigger 'gift package.' Is that a threat of war or is he just reading off an AC/DC lyrics sheet?
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He's out! Mr. Met fired after giving fan the finger
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We celebrate the fact a father of a student in the Seattle Public Schools raised $40,000 to pay off lunch debt for poor students so the district would stop shaming them, but we must ask: What kind of country would allow kids in school to go hungry?
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Q: Does tequila have positive health benefits? A: If by positive health benefits you mean making you strip out of your clothing before falling headfirst onto the floor, then yes, yes it does
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The REAL victims of the Portland attack? Racist assholes
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Do you know this bank robber? He was caught on tape
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EU and China rebuff Trump's decision to bail on climate- wait, China???
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Pastafarian earns the right to wear a pasta strainer on his head in his drivers license photo. "It's a little ridiculous, I know"
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Detroit upgrades from broke to make it rain
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Your dog doesn't need a dictionary to know what the word 'meow' means
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If I could have your attention, this is your captain speaking. We're now passing over the Garden State. Can anyone identify that smell?
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Today's big mob bust shows how far La Cosa Nostra has fallen - when it comes to nicknames they're just mailing it in now
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 630: "Amusement Parks". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed May 31, 2017 |
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Second noose in one week found in National Museum of African American History and Culture, and no, it wasn't a historical artifact
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North Korea has unveiled its own tablet - called the iPad. Early users extremely disappointed with the JustEat app
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"Yeah, I know we haven't sent water through this pipe for 37 years, but hey, what's the worst that could happen?"
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Cemetery's surprise 'Burial at Sea' option not a hit with families of the deceased
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We have hit peak duck lips
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Disclaimer: Prizes in 'Who Can Drink More Vodka' contest will not be awarded posthumously
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The smallest fiddle is sold as Dani Mathers complains that she had her privacy taken away after she took someone else's
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Las Vegas thieves steal 30,000 condoms and $10K worth of sex toys. Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good couple of years with all that stuff
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"Happy 1st birthday, son I made this plate of penises for you and all your little friends"
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Photoshop what's breaking here
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Peaches come in a can; they were put there by a man in a factory downtown. And canned peaches is all you'll get, thanks to the worst peach harvest yet
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The mystery of the flashing red lights at the White House has been solved, and no, it was not Kellyanne Conway keeping Trump distracted with a laser pointer
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How to tell someone they smell bad
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An entire hen party was kicked off of their flight to Magaluf after they turned up wearing t-shirts that said 'biatches on tour'
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this animal rescue
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"I'm never going outside again." Stories of morons overreacting to cicadas
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Man accused of huffing Glade air freshener and hitting police car refuses to give police a sample of his breath. That's odd, considering he went through all that effort to make it nice and fresh
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Say, is that pampas grass growing in your front yard? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink
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Dog flu confirmed in Florida. Your dog wants chicken noodle soup
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"Writing is like sex. First you do it for love, then you do it for your friends, and then you do it for money." -Virginia Woolf. And yet here I am, broke, lonely, and fighting writer's block. THIS is your Fark Writer's Thread
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| (Some Guy) |
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For those who missed it late last night, we lost a great core TFer to cancer yesterday - RIP Lockers
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For as little as $35,000 (in Latvia) or as much as $10 million (in France), foreigners can buy legal status to live, work and bank in a number of countries
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Divers share their most mesmerising shots of the lost ships and aircraft that rest on the ocean floor
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"Planes," a 73-year-old Farker, goes visiting at Devils Tower, Wyoming with the missus and finds out that rattlesnakes can be 9 feet long. Maybe it was the runt of the litter
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Photoshop a new coat of arms for Trump
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Australian scientists find creepy faceless fish deep down in an unexplored abyss. In related news, they also latched onto a giant 'sea monster' made of mud
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No Covfefe, no Covfefe, you're the Covfefe
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President Donald Trump wakes up after hours slumped over his keyboard and tells us to enjoy figuring what "covfefe" really means
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Huma can't shake the Weiner
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Saudi Arabia: Why let the facts that the guy's blind, deaf, too poor to own a phone and gave a forced confession, get in the way of a good beheading?
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The man accused of stabbing three people in Portland confesses to the crime. Did we say "confesses"? We meant "brags"
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Homeless man who helped to comfort victims of the Manchester bombing has been reunited with his mum, along with £50,000 raised so far to help him start a new life
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Scott Pelley fired as anchor of CBS news because...he's Scott Pelley
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Canadians hate to be called "nice," but one admits it's worse than that: "We're dull"
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Dozens killed in Kabul suicide bombing
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Washington, D.C. rail system can become a world-class public transit system if they just add more air fresheners to the subway cars
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The only thing worse than being accused of having sex with a horse is being accused of having sex with a horse and there's video of it
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Guy investigating working conditions at Chinese factory arrested, two others go missing. Why yes, this is one of the factories that produce Ivanka Trump shoes
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Man dies taking a selfie with his girlfriend at a waterfall. He should have stuck to the rivers and the lakes that he was used to
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| Tue May 30, 2017 |
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America's most misspelled words broken up by state and ... yup. Y'all dumb
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If you're going to shoot up a gas station with a cop nearby, you'd better leave some epic mugshot goodness (with epic mugshot goodness)
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Good: Hanging out on your boat watching Memorial Day fireworks show. Bad: Your boat is the fireworks show
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Best Korea appears to be at war with individual Sea of Japan urchins, not Sea of Japan as previously thought
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Instead of office chair, package contained bear cub. Would not buy again
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BINGO
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Man is on mission to cut grass for those in need in all 50 states. Might have to shovel first in Alaska
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Fark NotNewsletter: When Farkers come together
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Grab your rackets: it's tennis match time, Photoshop style
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Russians march in blackface while carrying bananas because that's so darned hilarious to idiots
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New UAE artillery truck looks like it was designed by Donald Trump. Soldier feedback shows significant support for the shag carpeting, "La Cucaracha" horn, and separate dome for quarreling colleagues
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Is storing a crate of live WW2 grenades you bought at a flea market in your garage covered under your homeowner's insurance when they explode? This guy is about to find out
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Mary Kay Letourneau is separating from her student husband. Those second grader/teacher marriages rarely last
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St Louis police needed a way to pay for new weapons so selling off their Tommy Gun arsenal was the obvious move
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Three shot at wake that turned into block party. Apparently, this is how party season starts
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Someone in Bulgaria is putting googly eyes on broken street objects
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Things that happened when you weren't looking: gas prices went up, the cat threw up in your slippers, U.S. Marines invaded Syria
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Lazy, drunk and unable to get back on your air mattress or even out of the creek is no way to go through life son. Um, I mean 54-year-old man
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Hormel is worried that people will confuse 'black label' beggin' strips with their 'black label' bacon. Even though beggin' strips aren't refrigerated and have a cartoon dog on the packaging
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Statue of a urinating dog placed next to 'Fearless Girl' statue. Statue of noisy vacuum cleaner expected to be placed next to dog soon
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It's always nerve-wracking when someone new moves into the neighborhood, especially if they drive tanks
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this brooding portrait
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Could artificial intelligence lead to world peace? I'm not sure, but the phrase 'Klaatu Barada Nikto' comes to mind for some reason
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Man walks onto property, unplugs bounce house during birthday party trapping children inside, walks away. Yep, Florida
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Border Agent: "Welcome to the United States of America, Land of the Free and Home of the Brave. Can I have your cellphone password please?" Canadian: "F*ck off." *U-turn*
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Have you ever wondered why lesbians exist? Of course you haven't, that's just a stupid question. Yet, it has an answer
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Dollar Tree store robbed. Second burglary in as many days on Stillwater Ave. in BANGOR. (There ya go, Farkers who like to mispronounce 'Bangor'). Police say "It is unknown if he made off with any money." I'm guessing 10 bucks
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Australia proposes denying passports to convicted child sex offenders. If only there were some other island that they could dump these criminals on
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Not News: yet another City considers removing its public statues to Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee. News: and one honoring Justice Roger Taney, the author or the Dredd Scott decision. Fark: Baltimore, MD which was always part of the Union
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Marijuana store and craft brewery to open in same building, henceforth to be known as Fark's West Coast Headquarters
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The U.S. will attempt to intercept an ICBM for the first time ever. Based on prior success ratio, however, you're still better off getting that vault jumpsuit on and charging up your Pip-Boy
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Starting WWIII? Simpsons did it
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New study claims eating too many chicken nuggets can make you A: Fat? B: Prone to heart disease? or C: Gay?
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Harley dealership has a Bikini Bike Wash for Memorial Day. You know, to remember the fallen. However, there are 27 pics and a short video
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The U.S. Army, who alone developed and tested the Zika vaccine, is about to grant an exclusive license for it to a major pharmaceutical company. Taxpayers: What if they raise the price to an unaffordable level? Army: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Crusades-era hand grenade found in Israel. And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu -
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"Firm Hires Office Cats To Reduce Workplace Stress," productivity
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this Chinese streetlight
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First it was razor blades. Then it was Tide. Now it's nuts. Fark: Nut Theft Task Force
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While you sit in a cubicle illuminated by oddly-crackling fluorescent lights, there's a man out there right now who makes a living by diving into the frigid waters of the Bering Sea searching for ancient ivory on the seabed floor forgotten by time
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Here's a nice, dusty story to cap off this holiday weekend: No one shows up for 8-year-old boy's birthday party, so mom asks local cops if one can come say happy birthday. The entire police force plus firefighters converge to make his day
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How to cook a gator, self-medicating Bill Cosby, and a lasting peach: these are YOUR Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2017-05-21 to Sat 2017-05-27
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Lab-created moths with a 'self-destruct' gene are set to be released onto U.S. farmland. What could go wrong?
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Fallen Navy parachutist remembered as 'angel on earth'
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Portland may be weird and quirky, but it's not as liberal as many people think, and it's also kind of racist
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"Tell everyone on this train I love them." Why, there are no onions here, what are you talking about?
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By all means, proceed
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Manuel Noriega takes off his Panama hat
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you don't read any other Memorial Day essays today, read this one. It's important
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Joliet Prison ablaze. Persons of interest last seen in an old police car with a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, and wearing sunglasses
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| Mon May 29, 2017 |
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The war on women's swimwear is finally over
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It never gets old watching some really happy dogs welcoming soldiers home. Your dog wants a hero
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Urban explorers find billions in cash in a swamp
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That paint we sprayed on the town plaza will wash right off. Really. The guy who sold it to us said so
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The hardest part of being caught with 6 kilos of pot is convincing everyone it's your personal stash
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Rapper Pitbull wants you to remember our fallen freedom defenders this Memorial Day...by tweeting a photo of himself smiling, wrapped in the American flag
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Could this man be one of the most inept robbers of the year? Let's go to the video tape
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Photoshop these Montana adventurers
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Woman: "And this is why you should always read the description while shopping on Amazon"
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Two motorists, one parking space
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Best. Selfie. EVAR
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Striking Toronto Zoo workers are not horsing around with their protest signs. Owl let you be the judge of that. Bear in mind the wee beasties are still being cared for
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Terror at 30,000 feet: I can't get the wifi to work
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Begun, the car parking space war has
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My life is now complete - a 24-hour meat vending machine that can work even in winter
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Photoshop this really odd room
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What kind of dirty rotten scoundrel steals $160,000 worth of Canadian beer?
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Some gave all
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Are you guys talking about me again?
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Forget about the boring Memorial Day hamburgers or hot dogs. How about some BBQ lamb, flank steak or pork chops?
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Zoo spokesperson: Don't worry about the reports of a loose tiger in the zoo. Ignore the evacuation of the zoo and the arrival of the police, all is well. I SAID ALL IS WELL
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I think we're gonna need a bigger boat
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44 people rescued from long, hard object in P-Town
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Facebook bans / rude Muslim term / Myanmar outcry / causes FB to squirm / Burma protests
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Two men are in trouble for forcing a baby alligator to drink a beer. Surprisingly, it didn't happen in Florida
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Two men make a strong case for a Tennessee tag by poaching 40 bass, mooning the property owner, and then knocking over a porta potty
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Would you live in a house that's hanging 60ft up off a cliff face? These Swedish architects think you will
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Photoshop this piano art
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I just want the best for you, my 'friend'
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Survivor of the UK's horrific 7/7 bombing dies from trauma related to the Manchester bombing
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28-year-old Bay Area artist is known for her provocative pictures of [her fingers in her] fruit (mostly safe for work)
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The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday
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Vice president of Texas open-carry organization announces plans to protest Sam Houston statue protest in Texas, starting in Houston. What could go wrong?
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"There's a lot of difference between spring water and marijuana," says the chairman of one bank who doesn't want to see medical marijuana in his town. And don't get him started on teenagers dancing
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Boy asks for leftovers at skating rink birthday party. What could go wrong?
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"Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, officer." "I clocked you going 88MPH." "That's impossible. I'm still here"
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Scottish news presenter introduces Labour Party official as "Leader of Scottish Labia," gives her the red carpet treatment
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