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| Sun January 08, 2017 |
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Bad: Get shot on the street. Good: Neighbor reaches scene in moments. Louisiana: Prays over you instead of rendering aid
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Live rent free in Manhattan for 7 years...yes, indoors. Hint: Loft Law
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Homelessness cannot be solved in a headline, on a bumper sticker, or by a campaign slogan
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Douche wrecks a rented Ferrari Italia despite his passenger's advice to not drive like a douche. Not safe for work language in video
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Photoshop the road less traveled
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Explain your favorite movie very badly. "Some dude loves Rita Hayworth and there's this guy who murdered someone. They're like, BFFs in prison, and platonic BFFs at that. So the Rita loving dude chisels this wall in his cell forEVERS and heads south"
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Could you climb every 4,000 foot mountain in New Hampshire? In a month? Could you do it all over again the next month? 12 months in a row? Or would you rather sit inside and read this article?
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Don't tweet me, 'bro'
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Man fined for driving with unsecured load of snow; city working out rain fines for spring
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Five things never to say to your child about food. "You have to finish off that third double espresso before you start on that case of Pixy Stix" conspicuously absent
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Since Drew has been told he resembles Czar Alexander III, photoshop him some other possible relatives so he won't be lonely. (link goes to the Czar)
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Great. Global warming has created hipster fish
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Ghost rivers haunt city. Would have gotten away with it if not for those meddling developers
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The largest armed U.S. military brigade to be deployed to Europe since the end of the Cold War has just arrived in Germany. Hmm...this means something
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Council cancels Meals On Wheels because it's too expensive, starts feeding prison food to the elderly instead
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Uh, yeah
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Self-driving wire spool debuts in Pennsylvania
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Meanwhile, in Michigan...
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Woman drives into river to avoid police, continues drinking beer as car floats. Good thing it was a light beer
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It's cool when somebody spray paints graffiti on the rocks along a popular hiking trail as long as the messages is positive. "I actually did a snapchat of it because I thought that's really cool to see something that I think the world really needs"
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Photoshop this crossing chicken
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CSB Sunday Morning: Hangouts
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Aiden, Adderall most popular baby names. Bonus: best "man on the street" type interviews providing excuses for dumb baby names
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Fort Lauderdale shooter to FBI: I'm being mind controlled by the CIA to force me to watch ISIS videos and I'm thinking of committing terrorist acts. FBI: Nope, no problem here. Oh btw, here's your gun back
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The Sandusky case has cost PSU $237,000,000, so far
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Man shot in laundromat fight. Let's see how agitators in the media try to spin this one in the next news cycle
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Man who stole a remote control for a TV sentenced to 22 years in prison because Illinois
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| (Some Guy) |
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Mark Hamill reads a Trump tweet in the Joker's voice
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Trump turns down Obama's swing offer
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Busty Australian twins want to marry the same guy, who they currently share as a boyfriend
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Omaha man dies in most Nebraska way possible
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Man arrested for having less than 13 lbs of kitty litter
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Coming up at the top of the hour it's the first Livingston Stapler Company Presents show of 2017. Two hours of eclectic music hosted live by a farker (9PM AKST/10PM PST)
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| Sat January 07, 2017 |
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There's no better way to improve morale than by simulating a plane crash
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Waving a giant inflatable penis at your neighbors may not be seen as polite, but it's a pretty good way to get on Fark
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Photoshop these wet ones
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Western civilization, please rethink your importance, it seems a 3,500-year-old Greek tomb will disagree with you
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Woman wanted by police on forgery charges is the subject of a fake obituary sent to a local newspaper. That trick never works
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It's bad enough that you insist on starting the New Year by abstaining from alcohol for the month, but do you have to make it worse by calling it 'Drynuary?'
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| (Some Wooly Willy) |
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Photoshop this Wooly Willy
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Poet can't answer questions about her own poems on Texas's standardized test
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If you're buying food ahead of a massive storm that's headed your way, instead of hoarding bread and milk you should be stockpiling beans, peanut butter, and chocolate
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What the internet has come to: dress colors, number of legs, and now "out of focus ham or not?"
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"Wearing pyjamas to the supermarket is absolutely fine. It's fine in any supermarket, at any time of the day. Let's put this issue to bed"
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What's a "Ute"?
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"An American tourist who fought a gunman after being shot in a botched robbery in Brazil was subsequently jailed for swearing at a policeman"
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The criminal who defaced the Hollywood sign to read "Hollyweed" says it wasn't vandalism
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Ektachrome LIVES
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When engaging with your neighbor over his method of excessive snowfall disposal, shooting his tires out is always an acceptable plan of action
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Charles Manson back in prison, says he's glad to be out of Bakersfield
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Smart ass leaves gate open
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Pepsi Challenge not valid for freight trains
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Who you going to root for? Verizon? Or the volunteer firefighters ... and their ponies?
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Ah Florida, there's a reason that there is a special tag just for you
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This week in the Saturday Morning Book Club, we're looking for the best book-to-screen adaptations ... as well as the ones which made you want to throw the book at the screen in disgust
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A man got a sinking feeling / Right on the edge of a pit / His home was about to fall over / in to a big mess of .. Shaving Cream
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Photoshop this opening
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Furious biker forces a man to take off his bike gang leather jacket with club patches on it because he wasn't a member of a gang and 'didn't earn it.' Fark: it was a Sons Of Anarchy jacket
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We interrupt your normal Caturday shenanigans for this important PSA: Over 20 kinds of canned cat food have been recalled, including 9 Lives (see complete list in link). You may only resume posting kitty pictures after checking Fluffy's food supply
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'Old book' given to charity shop turns out to be rare first edition of A Clockwork Orange worth £1,500. This is why I never throw anything out
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| (Some Guy) |
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Snow Mountain closed because of too much snow
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South Carolina spends $6,000+ on books containing Bible verses that were given to family members of people who died in car wrecks. Until one Atheist had to ruin it for everyone
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Actual story, people in Vancouver are desperately looking for salt and sand to deal with "snow and ice". The rest of Canada points and laughs. And laughs. And laughs
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This cold weather is actually good for you. Just look at how healthy and robust all the homeless people gathered around the alley barrel fire behind your apartment are
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Sanrio adds a new Character to Hello Kitty's friends. Meet Aggretsuko, a cute little red panda who listens to heavy metal and drinks profusely
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Woman decides to play bumper cars with unwilling participants, including her two kids (with mugshot)
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| Fri January 06, 2017 |
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One percent problems: £7 million worth of your gold is stolen, and it takes you two years to realise
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Worst. Driving. Ever
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New high tech doorbell contains special Seinfeld ring if you know the right tapping sequence. If you get it wrong, there's this trap door that opens up
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Unless it is true 'stranger rape' the NYPD isn't too concerned about it
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Bank Robbery 101: Do not use your debit card
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Duane Johnson arrested for the murder of a D.C. yoga teacher, Monday Night RAW
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If you're going to propose to your girlfriend and are nervous about possibly dropping the ring, DON'T pop the question near a waterfall
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Man who threw a rake at a Jeep sentenced to 3 years in prison, looks like love child of Hulk Hogan and Woody Harrelson
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Unexpected benefit of Facebook? The rise of the Anti-Bridezilla
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Photoshop this cigarette lighter
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Two google homes are arguing with each other about whether or not they're human. Right now, in real time
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Man cancels bicycle trip across Antarctica after realizing it was a bicycle trip across freakin' Antarctica
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Planned $10 billion upgrade to JFK airport forgets to include the apparently minor issue of actually getting to where you're going
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We have the best quizzes at Fark. The best, believe me. You're gonna love it, bigly. It's the yuuuuuuuuge Friday Fark Weird News Quiz
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'I'm a normal guy. I just fancy six-year-olds', says deviant freak who should be in jail
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Macomb County declares state of emergency over Fraser sinkhole. Apparently there's not enough tossed salads and scrambled eggs to fill it up
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Every citizen in France automatically registered as an organ donor, unless they opt out. Although due to the French lifestyle of fatty foods, wine and cigarettes, doctors shouldn't count on finding many healthy kidneys, lungs, hearts or livers
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In Japan, small group of genderless hetero young men reject conventional dress codes via clothes and makeup, attracting young women. "He looks like a girl. But when you put that together with his maleness, I see him as a new kind of man"
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Are you bored? Here are more than 100 things you can do right now. Strangely absent is surf around on this website
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Fark-ready headline: Chickens are scumbags who trick their partners into sex
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Photoshop these old men
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Never count your chickens before they hatch. However, if this becomes a problem, you might want to start buying fresher eggs at the grocery store
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| (Yo Dawg) |
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TV report about the girl that ordered a giant dollhouse on Amazon Echo triggers viewers' Amazon Echos to order giant dollhouses
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26-year-old Esteban Santiago from NJ allegedly shot first at FLL
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Whale that killed three people will now have to answer for his deeds in the afterlife
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Turns out consignment stores are a great place to pick up inexpensive hand grenades (pics)
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Leaky pipes are making it hard for Arizona State honors students to learn anything, marking the first time "Arizona State" and "honors students" are used in the same sentence
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Reset the clock
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Seniors turning to "Cane Fu" to defend themselves
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Ottawa program for giving alcoholics hourly drinks garners attention in Aussie research labs, Fark.com staff meetings
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In the US, stay away from the yellow snow. In Beijing, stay away from ALL snow
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Bicyclist struck and killed by van outside Legoland. Police still trying to piece together the accident
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Slackliner, no slacker, walks ski lift cable to save "friend of friend's" life
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Miniature brain, skull and hair found inside 16-year-old girl's ovary in "monster tumour." Happy Friday, everyone
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Farking at CES in Vegas, Part 2
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Asshat landlord gives leasing agency list of 'unsuitable' tenants. Looks ok so far: smokers, pet owners, single parents, plumbers, battered wives... wait, what?
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So why are wedding rings worn on the left hand anyway?
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Extremely rare 800 pound whale washes up along the Jersey shore, reminding residents that the Governor hasn't been around in a while
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Two brothers try to ambush armored car employee. Since this is Fark, you can guess how that went
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Good news for the day; rescue dog enjoys swimming with dolphins
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I'll see your anaconda in a toilet and raise you with a carpet python in a leaf blower
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OSHA finds faults with the lack of PPE, thumb jerky, firing employee attempting to dial 911
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Attention Farkers living in Fairfax County, VA: The county's brand-new Civilian Police Review Panel is looking for members. You have one month to apply. Have at it
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After careful study for two years, Chilean navy publicly releases video of a streetlight
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Delta apologizes for relocating crying baby from first class to coach. Next time try the overhead bin
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Photoshop this idol to a dark god. Well, an orange god
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Mom sheds 100 pounds to get back at cheating husband, discovers looking hot is the best revenge
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Llamas on the lloose
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Empty your gun into a car that's leaving and pump all occupants full of holes because you think they are suspicious? Well, that's fine in the U.S.
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It turns out the easiest diet of them all is to follow no diet
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Trump deposed
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Old and busted: Hipsters making their own beer. New smugness: Hipsters making their own butter
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Second mountain lion killed on same LA freeway in a month. The road is not safe
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The 'Yankee Doodle' song was written by the English to make fun of Americans, but it backfired. And other pasta facts that will leave you scratching your noodle
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As the ambulance sped away, one thing stuck in his mind (warning: graphic image)
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It's Texas. Of course you can rent a cowboy boot-shaped house
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Genius beautician comes up with devious plan to keep her driving points down but is foiled when her Facebook post pleading for a patsy is spotted by a cop
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Just a heads up: If the devil enters you, you'd be prone to driving erratically across exits ramps, crashing into half a dozen vehicles, and gleefully telling reporters you don't think you were even wearing a seatbelt
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| Thu January 05, 2017 |
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Pet deer named after Bambi's friend shot by evil game warden just because there's a law against having deer as pets, which to be fair, sounds like a really dumb law in rural Kansas
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Greta Van Susteren now at MSNBC. Says she would have stayed at Fox if only Roger Ailes had done her like he'd done the other girls. It was very insulting
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The story of a man and a rabid bobcat. "To be honest with you I didn't know it was a bobcat. I just thought it was a really really big domestic cat," said homeowner Karen Morse
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Austin man caught trying to get rid of cocaine he'd hidden under his fat belly. Guess cocaine doesn't keep everyone from eating
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New study shows that American Christians know about as much about their own religion as most Americans do about world geography
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Dylann Roof: Your honor, I object. The crying by the family members of the people I murdered is excessive and will prejudice the jury against me
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Uber booty call? Now more than ever ...just an Uber away
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| (Hemel Gazette) |
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Is it a bird, is it a plane? No but it is the well known stuntman from Superman vs Batman being caught speeding by police in English town
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M. Lewis and William Clarke headed to Washington after incident while traveling involving sovereignty of Indian Tribes. This is not a repeat from 1806
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Cyclist carrying a poodle fights man on horseback and you might be surprised who wins
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You really think Julian Assange would do that? Just go on TV and tell lies?
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"Come to our garage, where you can give birth while we change your oil"
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Photoshop this life drawing class featuring Iggy Pop
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"We don't force anyone to stay," [said the Scientologist]. "But I could see why people have that idea"
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Ever wondered what the stuff between the wafers in a KitKat is? Not pink slime hopefully
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Florida Man charged with burning underwear in Starbucks, plans to use served-extremely-hot-coffee defense
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Charles Manson's grandson said he's in good spirits despite his failing health. "For being 82 and locked up, he's kept himself together well physically." Care to guess where Charles Manson's grandson lives?
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The Arctic is maxing out both axes on the hot/crazy scale
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Fark Food Thread: We need a proper cookie thread for one last hurrah after the holiday season. Did you try any new recipes? Used a tried-and-true recipe to win every party? Show us the good stuff and why the best cookies always have raisins in them
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Naked woman causes disturbance at a gas station, then hijacks a marked police vehicle, then leads a miles-long chase into oncoming interstate traffic. Then it gets weird
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I know, let's illustrate the women's march with a crowd of women forming a ♂ symbol on the cover of the Washington Post Express
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Don Lemon is still drunk from New Year's Eve
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop what Santa Claus is doing now
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"I do this every Sunday" is not an acceptable excuse for man busted taking upskirt shots
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Remember that guy in MA who, while already facing child rape charges, was arrested after stealing 16 guns from a National Guard Armory, some of which were never recovered? Yeah, not to alarm you or anything, but he just escaped from prison
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Judge denies bond to man who kidnapped estranged wife, who married him after 1st husband was declared dead after he bought life insurance policy from 2nd husband, then disappeared on duck hunt. Confused? You won't be after this episode of "Florida"
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B-52 loses engine, forced to glide back to base on the remaining seven
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"Quinoa is over: let it go. The dietary future belongs to ghee"
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A woman discovers that her great-grandmother has been praying to Elrond from LOTR every day for years after mistaking him for a figurine of Saint Anthony. In her defense, Elrond actually is a Lord
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Man who robbed pizza shop with face covered but otherwise nude arrested. No word as to whether a tallywacker lineup was used in identification
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Clemson player explains that "you either sucked at football, you had no friends, or you were the person that changed in the bathroom stall because you were scared to shower with the team" if you didn't stick your fingers in other players' bungholes
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Up to 3 inches of snow predicted for parts of the Carolinas this weekend. Milk and bread distributors spotted smiling, high-fiving each other, lighting cigars with $100 bills
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From the Department of Obvious: Charlie Manson was not a 'model prisoner'
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So about hackers and elections. No, not the Russians and the Americans and 2016, this is about the Italian hackers whose tools were used to manipulate a Mexican election in 2014. BUILD A FIREWALL
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Dear State Lottery Officials, I better start winning the lottery, or I will kill all of you. Signed, Lottery Loser Lady
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Louisiana is washing away. Not that stink, though, that's gonna stay forever
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Huge explosion reported outside court in Turkey. At least 10 injured, cars on fire, feathers everywhere
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Dead Taiwanese official gets "happy departure": 50 scantily-clad ladies pole dancing atop jeeps for his funeral
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Photoshop this happily chilled out dude
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A baby elephant was born at Disney's Animal Kingdom and it's super ugly
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Four people arrested after live streaming the beating of a special needs man on Facebook which included anti-Trump, racist taunts
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Authorities say the cause of death of a parkour runner involved in a "train accident" is "not yet known." I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was "getting his ass run over by a farking train"
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Tijuana: #1 in barbecued iguana, #1 in most homicides in 2016
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Man arrested for church arson after watching child porn and masturbating into a dirty diaper. It's great to have goals
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Queen of Sweden says palace is haunted but in the good kind of way. The ghosts are "small friends"
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Cops in Ohio can't steal people's stuff anymore
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Historian predicts society could collapse within a decade (w/ helpful Idiocracy illustration)
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2016 very nearly did get The Queen. She was almost shot by one of her own guards on a 3AM stroll in the garden
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There is an eerie photo circulating on the internet of what must be either an angel or a demon or a palm tree
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 609: "Potent Potables 4 ". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed January 04, 2017 |
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Wendy's tweets white nationalist frog meme, for some reason. Nihlist Arbys prepares military response
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Long Island Railroad train derails in Brooklyn, injuring 103 people. Officials call it a moderately successful morning commute
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Someone has been leaving bizarre poems, advice, and weigh loss tips on food items at one particular Tesco
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"Hey, I was just seeing if they were stealing my shampoo"
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It's that time of year NYC Farkers, here's the details on the No Pants Subway Ride 2017 (pics - including Superman)
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Sweden experiments with a six hour work day. Which is like your work day, but you don't have to spend two hours of it in the bathroom reading fark
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France passes law forbidding cruel, degrading, and/or humiliating treatment of children by their parents. Millions of teens subsequently refuse to be seen in public with parents
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Spam will turn 80 years old this year and taste like it
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Moviegoer slaps Nestlé with class action lawsuit over underfilled Raisinets boxes
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Man walks out of front door and hits a wall. Those Germans have a weird sense of humor
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A good reason why you don't stick your head out of the high-speed train that travels from Shanghai to Beijing through the airpocalypse, you'll end up with smogface
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Let's see how the 1950's Soviet Union envisaged 2017, the centennial of their revolution. In Soviet Russia, future imagines you
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Chicago officer stripped of power after fatal shooting of neighbor. No word if he'll be trapped inside of a crystal or sent to the negative zone
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What's worse than finding a half-naked man asleep in your bed? Him telling you there are "more like him downstairs"
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People say Trump is a rigid, incurious thinker but that's clearly not true, look at how his position on Julian Assange has evolved from calling for his execution in 2010 to saying he's more credible than the entire US intelligence community in 2017
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"As a result, only a tiny fraction of people who were exposed to the original false story end up learning of the retractions"
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| (Hamster multipass) |
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Photoshop this Korben Dallas
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Need to find the right diet and fitness plan? This pointless, waste of time quiz won't help a bit
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Kentucky judge says you can bribe the prosecutor to get out of a speeding ticket
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Disabled son has seizure during on-camera interview so mom uses recently legalized cannabis nasal spray to stop it. Another miracle of American democracy at work
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Map of U.S. States by recent population growth. Is your state being fled, flocked, or simply farked?
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Membership in the American "Shaker" Church drops by 33% in 2017
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Say it with me, boys and girls: President Zuckerberg
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"Stand back, men, we're no match for her. She's got a used sanitary pad"
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World's oldest orca dead at 105. Enterprise seen preparing maneuver around the sun
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Charles Manson hospitalized with what is hoped to be a terminal illness
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"Hell hath no fury like a woman with a 3.5 ton towing capacity"
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When moving out of an apartment, take your creepy Mandy Moore tile mosaic with you
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So that guy's service howler monkey might not be legit?
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The wedding is probably not going to happen if you beat the groom with a wooden plank over the size of the engagement ring
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How to stop the spread of fake news: "Maybe the news should stop trying so hard to entertain." We're so boned
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Texas lawmaker never thought 'celebratory gunfire' to be reckless, dangerous and worth banning. Then, one day, it hit him
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He once propositioned a preposition. He can split an infinitive . . . with an adverb. He is the most interesting writer on Fark, and THIS is your Fark Writer's Thread. Stay writing, my friends
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Today in Hell No, It Won't Be A Thing: men's chokers
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Firefighters call fire department to put out fire in their fire station. Fire
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Millennials aren't lazy or entitled. In fact, they work so much and so hard that they're making everyone else look bad. Millennials are just the worst, right?
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Photoshop this cafe' nook
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Trying to hide 100 heroin pills in your rectum will send you to jail, make you the butt of jokes
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This story has it all: the bomb squad, sex toys, a day care. Help subby think of a funnier headline
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On a hunch, man spends his life savings to purchase 4.6 acre parcel of land, now believes he's sitting atop the lost city of Trellech - Wales' largest city in the 13th century
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On the bright side, the United States of Trump may not become the world's worst banana republic, if only because Haiti just elected an actual banana salesman as president
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New study says that it helps to sleep following a traumatic event. Finally an explanation why Democrats have been so hard to find since November
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Bartender sees man drop date rape drug into date's glass, so he swaps their drinks
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Finally, the Romero Institute gets published: Microbes found on paper money
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Man buys 1,000 newspapers to try and hide his DWI arrest and mugshot, fails spectacularly (w pic of mugshot)
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'Why do we dial 911 and Europeans dial 112?' and other pressing questions that hopefully can be solved in 2017 which really should start on the fall equinox or Inauguration Day
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Sunwing airlines: Wait, you mean to tell us that we need to make sure our pilots are sober while flying? Wow, this is news to us
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The world's fish industry might be saved by...Iowa?
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"Monopoly, a.k.a., If I'm not the car, I'm not playing" - A breakdown of the classic game, and the long lost art of the family board game
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Photoshop this passport photo pose
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'Small' anaconda pulled out of toilet in Virginia apartment. Not a euphemism
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The introduction of Florida's new medical marijuana law goes to Florida in a hurry, or at least in a euphoric confused saunter
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Mother Of The Year kicks off early as woman arrested for stripping at barbershop...in front of her 4 young children. Fark: includes duckface mugshot goodness
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If you're using Q-tips for anything other than building a scale model of the Stay-Puft marshmallow man, then you're doing it wrong
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What's more disgusting than a seagull? A seagull covered in antibiotic-resistant E. coli
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Kids, there is a time and a place for dabbing. While your father gets sworn into Congress is not one of them
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Meanwhile, in West Virginia...
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Today will be the busiest day in online dating history as people look back on the holidays, think about the friends they spent time with, and think, "I'm not doing THAT again"
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| Tue January 03, 2017 |
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Study predicts more extreme storms for California in the future. Bad: Floods. Good: No more drought. It's a wash
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Are you frustrated that you have to stop drinking for five minutes while you shower?
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2017 looks like it might be trying to apologize for 2016
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"Someone's been smoking in my bed," said baby bear. "And he's still here"
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Indian governmental responses on recent wave of molestation ranges from "boys will be boys" to "these things do happen"
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Rebecca Fergusen wants to sing "Strange Fruit" at Trump Inauguration. Государственный гимн Российской Федерации, tr. Gosudarstvenný gimn Rossijskoj Federací also under consideration
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Wanna be TotalFarked? Make me laugh and I'll sponsor the first 10 to do so
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Israeli police question Prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu for more than three hours in connection with a criminal probe into graft and bribery. Netanyahu denies any wrongdoing says the cops are just being Antisemitic
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Janet Jackson gives birth to child at 50. That's a long gestation
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Fark NotNewsletter: Is Drew Curtis undead?
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Let's look at the 2017 UN Human Right Council members list....Wait, this is the members list, not the violators list
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Photoshop this out-of-place Avenger
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Well, if it's true you should spend midnight of New Year's Eve doing what you want to be doing all year, this guy apparently wants to spend 2017 incredibly intoxicated and clinging to the roof of a police cruiser
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Exactly who was the perpetrator seeking revenge against? The victim or all of humanity?
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Yes it's your daily GIANT 7.2 magnitude earthquake hits Ring of Fire sparking a tsunami warning PANIC story
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Chillies destroy cancer cells, your ass
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Man tired of the wait in the ER shoots to the head of the line
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Cambodian police hunt for three men who Photoshopped their king into gay porn: "Gay Cambodians note with a wink that the king is a style-conscious bachelor and former ballet instructor in Paris"
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| (Me) |
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Photoshop what's in my eye
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Obesity rates went up in every country in the world, yes Somalia too. Here's the information in a handy map so you won't need to burn extra calories by reading
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Man accused of holding down and beating a woman following.... what is up with his beard?
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A toddler has shot someone in the U.S. every week for the past two years. Can we lock that damn kid up already?
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Megyn Kelly leaving Fox News for NBC. This is equivalent to Roland Burton Hedley III leaving Time Magazine for Newsweek on 'Doonesbury.'
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Pop Quiz: When not to take selfies? A. At a tourist destination B. While out at a bar with friends C. After escaping a Brazilian prison
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Jury selection begins Wednesday in criminal trial of man whose pharmacy shipped injectable meningitis around the country in 2012
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Ford to build cars in third-world county
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Two-year-old figures out way to move fallen dresser off of twin brother by himself, will be known as the smart one for the rest of their lives (with scary video)
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Woman who runs product review website gets 7 pounds of marijuana instead of the toys she ordered, immediately awards 5 stars
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Catholic priest accused of organizing orgies in rectory. Heh, heh "rectory"
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Today in Household Items That Will Kill You: "You are probably not cleaning your bath towel anywhere near enough, expert warns"
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CNN explains Russian election hacking with 'Fallout 4' screengrabs, hilarity ensues
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Ten dolphins rescued from Cape Cod on New Year's Day, sent back to Miami to take their beating
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China says some factories have violated anti-smog measures. Riiiight. "Some"
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Photoshop this hairy faced boy
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Manhattan could get by with 78 percent fewer cabs, study finds
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Man yells "fark Trump", tries to choke himself, then urinates on cop. It's a preview of Scott Baio's act for the inauguration
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"Four children killed in pesticide horror" Well that's a little strong. I mean, I get that kids may not be your thing, but they're hardly pests
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So mitochondrial DNA replacement might have been a little more complicated than we thought. Don't have a cow, man, unless we implanted one
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Baggage handlers fly free on United
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Over 130 prisoners escaped and more than 60 were killed during a prison riot in Brazil sparked by fighting between rival gangs. Police say "many" of the dead were beheaded. You know, it takes real gumption to behead someone with a prison shank
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In 2017 get ready to eat a lot of yogurts, a lot of alternative proteins, and a lot of homemade sauerkraut
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House Republicans so dedicated to draining the swamp they're gutting Congress' independent ethics watchdog
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Two men get into a fight over a parking spot at the mall. Good thing they both have guns
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After aerial search, police find drunk driver hiding 30 feet away from crashed car
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| Mon January 02, 2017 |
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Bieber canyon Fjaðrárgljúfur, separating Heiði from Holt, is for sale, and no, Subby is not having a stroke
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More than 100 dookers were led into the North Sea by bagpipes to give a small shriveled fark you to cancer
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Scientists create Wolverine-like material that self heals. No word if they were hired by Stryker
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This is the most ridiculous thing Florida Man has done since he lost a finger taking a selfie with that gator
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Boston Marathon bomber gets the finest federal defenders for the death penalty phase of his trial; meanwhile, your black neighbor being railroaded for a crime he didn't commit is being represented by Lionel Hutz' passed-out-drunk cousin
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Photoshop this shower scene
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Honey, why do you smell like poutine and steamy hot dogs?
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Driver fingered in Tesla crash. Well, that's highly inappropriate
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Australia has suffered a literal shiat storm
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Man arrested for shooting and killing a donkey during an argument with his girlfriend
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The many varied flavors of Soylent, hurt Butt butthurt, and a remote-controlled underwear vehicle. Unless you're still as hung over as Don Lemon, you'll get a laugh out of the Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-12-25 to Sat 2016-12-31
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The Great Omaha Gumball Theft case may have been solved
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Actual headline: Uniquely Utah: Charles Ellis Johnson and the Erotic Mormon Image
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In light of recent events, photoshop 6-year-old Carrie Fisher watching her mother perform in Las Vegas in 1963
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Ok, last time: If you shoot a gun into the air to celebrate New Year's Eve, shoot straight up and make sure you're standing directly underneath it when it comes back down to solve the problem you insisted on creating
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Your flying car is almost ready for the driveway
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Midvale man arrested after stabbing two burglars armed with bats. No word if any of them were gifted
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Dude. The proper terminology is "African American people food"
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Police in New Jersey seek overweight, excessively hairy, naked man. That narrows it down
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People are outraged the Vatican has a McDonald's
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Mini Cooper driver drives poorly. Minny Driver and Bradley Cooper not involved
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Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in, where women dressed up as bats get all of my press? This town needs an enema
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Kansas Gov. Voodoo Economics proposes -- make sure you're sitting down for this -- robbing the future to cover a deficit caused by tax cuts that didn't exactly bring rainbow-shiatting unicorns
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Photoshop this sad polar bear
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The prophet 'TB Joshua', renowned for predicting death of Michael Jackson, Paris ISIS attacks, disappearance of MH370, and narrow victory for Hillary Clinton, prophesies doom for Nigeria in 2017
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NYC couple spends $155,000 on vet bills for their puppy. "Your pet's life shouldn't have to be a financial decision"
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Waiter fired for serving up a batch of lies
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The latest thing ruined by hipsters? Gaydar
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A Texas legislator has a good idea to improve public safety. It hit him right in the head
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It's complicated
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When I die I want a bunch of inconsiderate asshats sledding over my grave. Not
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Sure, book your cheap holiday tickets with some airline called Jambojet. What's the worst that can happen? As your wife will sarcastically ask you days later when you're both still stuck on a bus. On a ferry. On your connecting flight through Mombasa
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