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| Sun December 25, 2016 |
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"So... what did we get stuck in our rectums this year? Okay, let's not always see the same hands"
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British police find giant marijuana plant disguised as a Christmas tree
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Photoshop this happy seal
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Owe $88,000 in unpaid bills? Enjoy the 40 tonnes of dirt dumped outside your Auckland restaurant
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Woman found north of Grand Canyon after walking 26 miles to get help, makes the rest of us look lazy
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Little girl shoots herself in the hand with her father's gun, asks the doctor, "Will I be able to play the violin?" Doc says, "Sure." Little girl says, "Great, my father will be charged with improper storage of a large capacity gun near a minor"
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By entering the Pacific with an aircraft carrier, China has proven they have a more capable navy than the Russians
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Looks like 2016 is ending with a WHAM!
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Damn fool gives away a year of free pizza :(
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Kim Jong Grinch gets into the Christmas spirit by banning it in North Korea, forces the masses to celebrate his favorite gran's birthday instead
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Well, this is awkward
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Photoshop this desert plane
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Sorry cats Christmas is no Caturday, it looks like pooches are more likely to be pampered by their owners with presents
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Can you believe a judge in Louisiana tossed out the life sentence for a man convicted of grabbing $15 from a parked car? What ever happened to "you do the crime, you do the time"?
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After nearly 12 months of carnage, is 2016 silently stalking its greatest prize? Or is it just a "heavy cold" like the Palace spokesman claims?
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"As Typhoon Hits, Philippines Dangle Roast Pig to Evacuees." Wait, what?
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Sismo de magnitud 7.6 sacude sur de Chile y se declara alerta de tsunami
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You can keep your Snapchat, Wi-Fi and VR, we all know the '70s and '80s were better. Here are 10 things today's spoiled children are missing out on
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Around 140,000 people traveled through the Denver International Airport Saturday because of the legalized weed.... Oh wait, they were reuniting with family? Alright then
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| (Some 'Stang) |
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Photoshop this 1965 ford Mustang station wagon
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CSB Sunday Morning: Performing for the holidays
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| (Some Jolly Old Elf) |
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Merry Christmas, You Filthy Farkers
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Pope Francis says Christmas has been taken hostage by materialism
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The 'No Shampoo' movement is catching on
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Plane carrying Russian Armed Forces Choir crashes in the Black Sea
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Coming up at the top of the hour it's the very Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Happy Holidays edition of Livingston Stapler Company Presents. Joining our host in the studio tonight are two special guests (9PM AKST/10PM PST)
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| Sat December 24, 2016 |
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Airplane bathrooms are getting smaller and Leon is getting laaaaarrrrrrger
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Photoshop this white rabbit
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| (A Happy Elf) |
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Captain Steroid presents his 7th Annual X-Mas Photoshop Contest. Theme: "The Happy Elf". Difficulty: NO TFers. Winner receives one month of FREE TotalFark. Contest ends @ 11pm CST tonight. Merry Christmas, FARKers. :-)
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Santa Claus is coming to town, and here's how you can track him flying around the world this Christmas Eve
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Dumbass: NYPD raids the wrong house. Fark: And Snapchats the family in handcuffs with "Merry Christmas Its NYPD"
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"Son, hold my wine while I find out what this cop wants"
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Dad-to-be posts heartbreaking picture as girlfriend dies days before Christmas
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Augsburg evacuated to defuse massive IED left by unknown British national over 70 years ago. Inflate your paper bags
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Arizona welcomes its new self-driving overlords
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Science says your grandparents are having the kind of mindblowing sex you could only dream of. Now you have something to talk about over Christmas dinner with the family
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| (Some Jedi) |
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Photoshop This Instructional Padawan
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Strange sulfur smell presages Hellmouth reopening under Philadelphia
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Police on lookout for wanted Canterbury hitchhiker, last seen with some uncouth losers while cracking bawdy jokes in virtually unintelligible English
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Headline of the Year preliminaries: Context headlines, Round 5
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Give me an M ..."M"... Give me a U ..."U"... Give me an M ..."M"... Give me a P ..."P"... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand an S ..."S"... What do you get?
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Not News: Vesna Vulovic dies. News: After free falling 33,000 feet in a plane accident. Fark: 44 years later. Curse you, 2016
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If you love Christmas and hate other motorists, why not decorate your car with 10,000 Christmas lights? "The kilometer-long string of lights is connected to power in the boot of the car ensuring the car is a standout" (pics)
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It's Slinky, it's Slinky / For fun it's a wonderful toy / What protects a bird feeder, makes squirrels take a breather / And makes a slinkety sound? / A spring, a spring, a marvelous thing / Everyone knows it's Slinky
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The Saturday Morning Book Club is curious: if you could meet any character from a book, who would you be most interested in meeting?
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Light up the yule log, grab your Santa hat, and pop in that Mannheim Steamroller Christmas CD from the 1994 $2 bin - It's the Fark Weekly Weird News Quiz - Christmas edition
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Ever wanted to see a 6-1/2 foot swamp eel? Well, today you're in luck
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Photoshop what he's surfing out of
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But think of all the good things Giant Meteor 2016 could have brought us, like global unity
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California man fights DUI charge for driving under influence ... of caffeine: "It's really stupid"
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Teenager who rescued a stray cat just received some very unexpected holiday presents when her new kitty gave birth to Noel, Joy, Christmas, and Faith under the tree, just in time for a very merry Caturday
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If you plan on attending Alaska's biggest Hanukkah celebration, then you better be ready for menorah ice sculptures, a dreidel-shaped bounce house, and circus acrobats
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Visit any rural, small-town church potluck dinner and you'll see main street America is still cooking like we're in the middle of the Great Depression
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Here are 25 ingredients that everyone still uses, but shouldn't. Subby would like that pizza with a little extra sausage, please
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If you like it, put a ring on it ... but be prepared to call emergency services when you can't get it off
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"It's not every day you see Jesus and Crocodile Dundee running out of a landing craft, but there you go"
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5 reasons fake news killed facts in 2016. Reason #6: Your grandparents finally set up their wifi router to autoconnect
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| Fri December 23, 2016 |
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The 100 funniest Santa's lap photos ever. Or as Santa likes to say, these are kids who are clearly "Claus-trophobic"
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After 50 years, Batman still smells and the Joker still gets away
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Tipster Who Recognized 'Burrito Bandit' Rewarded with $5,000, complimentary hose-down
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Oregon law professor, who wore blackface at party and intended her costume to provoke discussion, discovers the problems with nuance and the media. The moral of this story is don't do blackface no matter what the reason
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So what happens to all the unsold Christmas trees on Dec. 26? Two words: goat food
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There are still some people in the world who try to solve their problems by throwing snakes at them
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Semi driver hogs road
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Man with baggage proposes to woman on carousel. Unfortunately, his proposal was left unclaimed
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Photoshop Theme: Christmas movie parody
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Listen, there have to be some consequences for opening Christmas gifts early, that's all I'm saying
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Youtube views down across the board. Find out why after this ad finishes
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Legalizing pot will surely lead to teenagers smoking lots more of it, yes? As it turns out, no
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Arabic moron kicked off plane has long history of being moron on plane
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Chris Kluwe has some disagreements with President-elect Donald Trump
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Teen gets into crash, texts his mom from the ambulance to grab his stash of Xanax and marijuana from the trunk of his car so the cops don't find it. Guess where?
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May the Force be with her
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DIRECTOR: "Okay, scene forty-seven, in which the hijackers storm the aircraft. Lights . . . Camera . . . Action . . . wait, those hijackers aren't in costume, cut, cut"
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Man from Burney burned to death. Too bad he wasn't from Livermore
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| (Some Furniture) |
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Photoshop this knotty chair
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Since Trump doesn't take office for another month it's still safe to say 'Happy Chrismukkah' while wolfing down potato pancakes
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Alec Baldwin wants to sing 'Highway to Hell' at Trump's inauguration
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ABA Council: So, you agree that you admitted students who can never pass the bar exam so that you could use them to access $200k each in non-dischargeable, taxpayer guaranteed loans? Dean: Yeah, but... how about we don't have to tell them? Cool?
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Fark's 2016 Headline of the Year contest: Puns and Wordplay headlines
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Belligerent Canadian hijacks luggage tug and drives across runways at Orlando airport. Authorities claim he would have been stopped sooner, but no one could believe 'belligerent Canadian' was actually a thing
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Fark's 2016 Headline of the Year contest: Business headlines
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And in incomprehensible news from Britain: "Thieves tow wheelie bin behind moped after stealing cigarettes from Hemel Newsagents, in Hallowes Crescent, Watford" (pics)
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Not to alarm anyone, but spiders are now capable of spinning elaborate silken picket fences
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Dressing up in blackface for Christmas is still a thing in Britain
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North Carolina no longer considered a Democracy
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Air traffic controller removed after making a penis of an airliner's flight path via dangerous instructions
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Amazon accidentally sends man sex toy instead of gift he planned to give to his 11-year-old daughter
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EU reaches deal banning most semi-automatic weapons to prevent terrorist attacks. Except Kalashnikovs, we all can agree those are pretty badass
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Cat with pounds of dreadlocks brought to shelter. "At first I thought it was a cat that had a blanket on top of it. The next day I went into the creepy old cellar and it was hunkered in a corner. I thought, 'My god this is a cat.'"
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Honk if you want to know what the 'om telolet om' meme means
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Don't you just hate it when the device you've been using to smash walnuts for 25 years is actually a hand grenade?
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Peanut butter jelly crime, peanut butter jelly crime, peanut butter jelly crime
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Photoshop this transplant
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Two men hijack Maltese plane. No word if Malta's hero, Joe Don Baker, will thwart them
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Dog's visit to Santa turns Grinch after dog gets bitten on the ho-ho-ho's
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Headline of the Year preliminaries: Context headlines, Round 4
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Berlin attack suspect shot dead by Italian police after exiting train near Milan
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Here's how you can use leftover Amazon boxes to ship all your post-Christmas crap to Goodwill for free
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"You can't regulate height of patriotism," says the veteran who planted a 40-foot flagpole in a town where the limit is 30-foot. "If I could afford a 60-foot flag pole, I would have bought it"
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Vietnamese refugee, Nun, Trailer flipper. Meet Marylan Tran. Changing the look and demographics of Arizona
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Headline of the Year preliminaries: Context headlines, Round 3
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You can fix all the damaged knick-knacks around your house by putting them in beehives (awesome pics)
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Who's the most googled person in 2016, by country. And, of course, Leonardo DiCaprio was the most googled in Morocco, but then we all knew that
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Drone footage of a shark having a whale of a time
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You put up the pole, I'll start with the airing of grievances. Today is Festivus, for the rest of us
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Conger eel rice kit passes radioactivity testing, meaning it's either not radioactive at all, or radioactive enough to grow gigantic and fight Godzilla
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Florida beauty queen uses baseball bat on party guest. Winds up with mug shot for her efforts. Out of the running for Miss Congeniality, however
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| Thu December 22, 2016 |
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In the tradition of cushy jobs in the banking industry, former banker appointed as Ontario's first ombudsman of beer
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Two of the deadliest Police Departments in the U.S. are in California and they're now under investigation. Law enforcement in Kern County killed more people than New York City, with a tenth of the population
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Don't go committing a crime in Texas. In fact, don't go reporting one either, if you know what's good for ya
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"Ten years ago a senior Bishop went out for a Christmas party. He came back with a sore head and accusations he'd broken into the back of a Mercedes. This is the story of the Bishop of Southwark, one of the greatest morality tales ever told"
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Man's swimsuit turns brown when he jumps into pool. Uh, oh
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If you're obsessed with a naked Orlando Bloom, consider moving to Vermont
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How to get your flight diverted: 1990: Say you have a bomb. 2002: Say you have a box cutter. 2016: Change your wifi SSID to "Samsung Galaxy Note 7"
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Kentucky governor declares 2017 'The Year of the Bible.' Drew continues to declare every year the year of beer and boobies
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Fox News has found seven examples of so-called "hate crimes" committed after Trump's election that, upon further investigation, have turned out to be utter hoaxes. Which I'm sure you'll agree demonstrates a trend suggesting we can dismiss them all
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Cryptic signs warning of something terrible to happen on New Year's Eve in Aurora, Illinois; police not sure if threat is real or just someone's excellent, party time
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Here are 13 things labelled "American" in other countries, where it is apparently shorthand for cheap, loud crap that'll make you fat
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Photoshop this snow car
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| (Some Guy) |
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The U.S. Court of Appeals rules that your dog can only sit or play dead
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Is Santa Claus a Daddy sex symbol? "Santa gets some folks wet in their Christmas stockings," Myers says. "A man confident enough to eat cookies and drink milk left by strangers is a man that's confident in the sack
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The EU responds forcefully to the fatal truck terrorist attack in Berlin by approving new restrictions. On guns
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Nothing can ruin a wedding reception quite like the bride's ex-boyfriend leaving pics on the guest tables of her performing a sex act
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"A Swedish doctor nicknamed 'Dr Anal' because of his controversial massage techniques to cure ailments such as headaches could soon be allowed to work again"
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Facebook lurking makes you miserable, according to new study. Next study hopefully to investigate how miserable actually posting on Facebook makes you
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Scientists say Svalbard Seed Vault is not a secret eugenics lab, just a bigger version of your Grandma's root cellar that happens to be nuke-proof, built to last 1,000 years, and guarded by roving polar bears
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Two guilty in Bath tipper truck crash. Apparently I don't speak English anymore, because that makes no sense
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The real question here is why is your mom coming into your bedroom wearing only her underwear in the first place
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FBI begins arresting chiropractors for fraud
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Santa makes a visit to light up the sky in Philadelphia, still got booed for it
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this Foxi armchair
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Headline of the Year preliminaries: Context headlines, Round 1
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Headline of the Year preliminaries: Context headlines, Round 2
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School nurse recognizes 7th grade student in serious medical distress, calls ambulance, applies AED until he's taken to hospital where surgery removed blood clot from kid's brain stem
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Are you doing that Elf on a Shelf thing for your kids? Congratulations, you are prepping them to accept an Orwellian, hyper-surveillanced police state
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Eric Trump announces he is no longer raising money for his namesake charity because of influence peddling concerns ""it's an extremely sad day when doing the right thing isn't the right thing," he whined, out loud, and yet no one punched him
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"Hello, 8-1-1? I wanna report a bad drone...it was white, with little spinny things, it went like this BZZZZZZZZZZZZ, an it was staring at me when I was taking a BATH"
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If you're going to harass the president-elect's daughter, don't tweet it to the world about an hour beforehand
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Kim Jong-Un's special diet for border guards turns Best Korea into Shiattiest Korea
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Europe's most wanted man 'slipped off radar.' See, that's why you need to put handholds on those things
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The most popular gift in Arizona this year is a drone. In Vermont it's waterproof mascara. And in Alabama it's an electric turkey fryer
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Surveillance footage shows 'Santa' passing out candy canes before robbing bank
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Officer Grinch gives speeding Florida motorists the choice between a ticket or an onion. Apparently, a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole was not an option
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Couple who ran a healthy living and investing service blog are arrested after they are found living with their five malnourished children in a car a in Florida Walmart parking lot
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Washington State runs up $7.5M in fines for failing to provide competency services to mentally ill inmates, instead of doing what everyone else does and encouraging them to run for office
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If you're a 61-year-old tourism official out of town on business and you decide to live-stream a half-hour of nude "adult content" to your lonely husband back home, best not to cross-post it to the Convention and Visitor Bureau's social media accounts
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Schools aren't doing enough to combat the crap kids are made to believe at home
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Watch for wave of diarrhea in Sweden this Christmas. Man, those wacky Europeans really get into their sports
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"You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney. You have the right to be taken to a hospital and then be a dumbass, in which case I will shoot you"
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Georgia policeman sentenced to life in prison after being convicted of murder in the death of a suspect he was taking into custody on whom he used his "non-lethal" taser more than a dozen times, despite the suspect already being handcuffed
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Putin claims Russian military is "stronger now than any potential aggressor" because everyone wants to attack Russia. Everyone
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Meanwhile, in Canada, Canadians continue Canada-ing as usual
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We're thinking about happiness wrong, according to philosopher. To be fair, here at the end of 2016 happiness mostly refers to the sweet release of death
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In Memoriam for Farkers lost to 2016 and beyond. It might get dusty in here. Or onions. Probably someone cutting onions
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Black ice causing accidents along I-64. Local police now attempting to shoot the road
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You may not know the name of Henry Orenstein, a Holocaust survivor whose parents were executed by Nazis, but you know his work as he created some of the greatest toys of the '80s
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Google is pushing Stormfront out of your filter bubble
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Man who just got out of jail shows up at his baby mama's trailer looking for his stuff and gets stabbed in the neck by her new boyfriend. Why yes, this did happen in the south
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Religious council issues fatwa banning Muslims from wearing Santa hats
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Today in Slate Generalizations: Why lesbians wear keys on their belts
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Stressed out because of all the work you have to wrap up before the holidays? Why not settle yourself down with a nice, tall glass of breast milk stolen from a co-worker?
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Photoshop this Christmas cat
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Models take six hours to report a dead body because they wanted to finish photo shoot. "We just came to the conclusion that we needed to get stuff done"
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"Whatever" is the most annoying word according to a poll. Whatever
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Here are some tips for men considering adult male circumcision
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Couple trying to sell an aging missile silo located between a Maine Air Force Base and the Canadian border are stunned they can't find any buyers. "Not even the crazies have asked about it"
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Elephant farts on friend's head. Apparently, elephants are just large, grey fratboys
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Brits spend an estimated two years of their lives hungover. Amateurs
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Woman says a pet sitter she found on Craigslist sold her dogs. Your dog doesn't even want to use Craigslist for casual encounters
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Appearance over substance. Form over function. Trump über alles
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70 Employees ill after NM Health Department party
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Man fakes being an adult film talent scout, takes nude photos and has sex with multiple women, apparently this is a crime
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What to do with that useless Christmas gift you're sure to get on Dec.25? Trade it in for a Whopper at Burger King
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California police believe they have found the body of a woman who, tragically, will forever be remembered only as a former contestant on the reality show "Bridalplasty"
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 607: "OrnaMENTAL". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed December 21, 2016 |
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Remember how Listerine is supposed to cure the clap? You might want to read this before you go out and and buy an entire pallet to fill your bathtub with
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And in today's Reviews of Public Art™: "A sculpture of a lion with a fishtail wearing a top hat in a town centre has been branded 'cultural vomit'"
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Brazilian firms receive 3.5 billion in fines for bribery, which is a record that Trump plans on breaking within the next 4 years
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Delta Airlines will now accept your word that you are a doctor. What if I'm not a doctor, but I do speak Jive?
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Photoshop these stairs in such a manner that they lead to something more interesting
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Good news - the government has ruled that broadband internet is a basic service to all people of the nation, just like telephone service. Oh, I guess that's only good news if you're Canadian
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Torn from the front page of the Bangor Daily: Lobster Man grateful for Presidential pardon. Florida man remains hopeful
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3-year-old found in bug box, which apparently is not a good thing. Parents claim the kid went in there on her own. Cops not believing that story and have arrested nine people
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Hunter S. Thompson arrested for driving away from police, bats
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North Pole predicted to warm 50 degrees above normal Thursday. You had to scrape your car window this morning, so it's all good
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Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip miss annual Christmas pilgrimage for first time in six decades due to "heavy colds." Old Man 2016 still feeling spry
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Job-killing bureaucrats in Nigeria seize 2.5 tons of rice from local small businessmen just because the rice in question was made from shredded plastic pellets rather than, say, the grains of an actual plant
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California's Klan Leader reportedly stabbed Hoosier Klan rep in retaliation for online comments critical of Disneyland rally. Fark: after drinking screwdrivers at North Carolina party celebrating Trump victory
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Yeah, we know your baby is in the NICU, but we decorated it with wrapping paper and other chintz. Merry Christmas
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Putin orders crackdown on bath lotion problems. State Security forces to ensure it puts the lotion on its skin, or it gets the fire hose again
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"Wikileaks for Mormons" launches for those who fear they did a bit too much LDS
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Authorities make an exception and allow woman to keep her motorcycle-ridin' gator
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Trump supporter trying to help two immigrants navigate the JCPenney customer service line
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48 journalists killed in 2016. Fake news journalists all still alive
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Yoga pants are comfy. They're also an assault on manners and a nihilistic threat
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As many as one in 10 Icelanders protested in front of the Alþingi, the national parliament, demonstrating their anger through the time-honoured tradition of hurling Icelandic yoghurt and waving bananas
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Организаторы сецессия Калифорнии говорят, что они открыли посольство в Москве
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NC GOP reneges after Charlotte repeals discrimination protections: The "repealed" HB2 prohibits municipalities from passing discrimination protections
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Photoshop this watery seat
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Remember the days when you would just blow second-hand pot smoke in your pet's face?
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The guy everybody calls to handle the aftermath of the world's worst disasters
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Disney becomes the first studio to make $7 billion on films that will, according to Hollywood Accounting™, not make any money or pay royalties until 2050. After lighting a cigar with a $100 bill, the spokesperson also blamed piracy for the downturn
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EU court says the government has no right to look at your browsing history. So your love of Gilmore Girls fan fiction is safe, UK Farkers
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Illinois lost more residents in 2016 to exodus than any other state
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Major accident in Houston leaves Vodak bottles broken and scattered everywhere, I bet the Russians rigged this
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Big Ben is undergoing repairs so a British school girl offers to say 'Bong' on BBC radio when the chime normally plays -- here's the reply
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There are weird Christmas traditions and then there is having to rap battle a skeletal horse on Christmas morning in Welsh
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Young fugitive from Tataouine sought in latest attack. This is not a repeat from long, long ago
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British porn star gets paid $15,000 to attend Christmas party and causes outrage by stripping naked. Man who booked her insists 'we didn't expect her to do that'
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Let's check in with Alaskan politicos to see how well they're taking Obama's latest no drilling regulation. Oh, my
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The way Uber's self-driving cars have been programmed to take turns makes them more likely to hit bicyclists on the road. I guess we'll file that one under "feature"
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Social Security benefits for retirees being garnished to pay for student loan debt. And there you were, thinking your degree in improvisational dog ballet would pay off once you hung up your Starbucks barista apron
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Russia unhappy with new U.S. sanctions, threatens "response." Trump too busy tweeting about SNL to respond
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For some unknown reason, after 65 years, no one's calling the Time and Temperature number anymore. Did something new get invented that's easier and ubiquitous?
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December 21 marks the Winter Solstice, and here are some facts about it besides the days getting longer from here on out
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Meet the black guy who convinced more than 200 people to quit the KKK just by talking to them
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Seven people rescued after 39 hours trapped in Indiana cave. They all agree that it was the best time they ever had while living in Indiana
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What better way to warm the hearts of China's northernmost village than to have the national pole-dancing team perform for them at -33°C
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When it comes to erecting a 300-pound pentagram near a Nativity scene, there's no hate like Christian hate. "Keep Saturn in Saturnalias"
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In the age-old battle of SUV versus mobility scooter, the outcome can only be Florida
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Broken escalator decides to become a catapult rather than stairs
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Milk farmers would like to remind Americans that milk actually only comes from cows, not soy, almonds, rice, hemp, pistachios, or other non-udder-having items
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Actual headline: Gasoline and Diesel Fuel Aren't Interchangeable
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There once was a man from Calcutta, who went to see a cow for some butter, but when he arrived, the cow was alive, and now he feasts on some nutter. THIS is your Fark Writer's Thread
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When you're a cat rapper from Portland, it's perfectly normal to put on a show from your bathtub
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Science proves there are actually more health benefits to masturbating than not masturbating. MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE
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So how can we help the homeless? A billionaire suggests housing them in storage containers, dangling spare change just out of their reach
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Fark Store Daily Deal: Softorino YouTube Converter. Download and save your favorite YouTube videos or even just the audio, replay on your iPhone, iPad, or Mac. Windows version also available. MacWorld review in the comments. (Sponsored Link)
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Photoshop what these hands are holding
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Chicago is now colder than Mars. Although you probably won't get shot on Mars
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"Dear Prudence: My fiancé and I are paying for our wedding in its entirety; I thought this would give us full control. My bridesmaids were outraged I want them to wear jackets over sleeveless dresses and calling me Bridezilla. Should I just elope?"
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NYPD hunting for man who stole pot of gold, ask citizens to be on the lookout for a short man in a green outfit muttering about the theft of his lucky charms
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Four bodies of missing drug gang members found on New York cop's property. It was an accident. They accidentally got dead and buried on my property. What's the big deal?
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U.S. Air Force to retire the F-4 Phantom. This is not a repeat from 1996
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Navy to recognize different kinds of seamen again
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Sorry bacon but just because you're linked to some bogus asthma symptoms from some anti-bacon study doesn't mean I'm giving you up *hack* *cough*
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Someone broke in and stole 15 of our chainsaws and hedge trimmers. And hey, whose phone is this anyway
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China is seeing the results of the recent economic stimulus: an 'airpocalypse' affecting half a billion people
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Remember that lane straddling "bus" that China unveiled a few months ago? Well, they don't know what you're talking about, it never existed and you can't even search for it on the internet, so there
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Newspapers blame their irreversible decline on: A) inaccurate reporting. B) 24/7 news channels C) Craigslist
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All right. All right. Please disperse. Nothing to see here
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Chuck E. Cheese - where a kid can be a kid and adults can get drunk and fight the cops
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Why steal a package off a porch when you can steal a whole truck full?
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More and more pregnant women are smoking weed. That's ok. Subby's mother smoked weed when she was pregnant with him and subby turned out...like...wait, what was I doing?...typing is hard...hey, are those chocolate chip cookies?
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Opening a strip club next to a convent. So how did that work out for you?
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"Invasive vaginal pat-down" sounds like a good band name or Fark handle, but it's not something you want from the TSA
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Stonehenge, Where the demons dwell, where the banshees live and they do live well... is busy this time of year
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🎶 On the 9th day of Xmas the 27th state gave to me: 9 prior arrests, 8 police cars chasing, 7 red lights run, 6 cuts to the face, 5 suspended licenses--4 assaulted officers, 3 conflicting police reports, 2 smashed cars and 1 severed ankle monitor 🎶
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State Farm Insurance: "Hey Washington State hasn't had an earthquake in a while, I think we should raise rates 117% this year." Insurance regulators: "Ok"
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Prince Harry says that to be happier, you should spend less time on your smartphone and more time in your many castles frolicking with supermodels
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If you're collecting workers' comp and keep telling the doctors that you're injured and unable to work, don't get caught teaching kickboxing
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Photoshop top toe tanglers
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"Men who got away with it in 2016" instead of a pretty annual recap fluff piece. Because 2016
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Four more officials charged in Flint water crisis. Two of them reported to governor Rick Snyder. Governor Rick Snyder still charge free
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Yeah, Trump, you just watch yourself, or we'll respond with Canada's weapons of mass destruction...RABID BEAVERS
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Don't look like a criminal. This has been a message from the Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles facial recognition department
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Flow chart that shows connections between Trump, Russia and White Nationalists looks exactly like an Escher staircase after a fight with a Xerox machine
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Man dressed in Chewbacca costume committed grand theft. Now the police force is with him
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Soylent: "We're not causing you that violent diarrhea, it's that algal flour stuff." Algal flour supplier TerraVia: "Then I guess you won't be needing us for any of your other products"
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We all know the "war on Christmas" is a thing, here's a brief history of how it got that way
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Listerine may cure gonorrhea, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase "The Burn Means It's Working"
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Lobster Boat Captain: A freak storm killed my crew. The waves...the lightning...it was horrible. I barely survived. Investigators: So what's with all this Oxy and alcohol in your system? Lobster Boat Captain: FREAK STORM
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'No way to prevent this' says region where this happens regularly
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The Episcopal/Anglican "Christmas Carol Service" was invented in the 1880's by future Archbishop of Canterbury Edward White Benson, whose wife was a famous diarist with 39 lesbian lovers and whose sons were the novelists--wait, back up just a bit
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$2 million worth of psychedelic mushrooms were seized from a NYC house. Authorities then watched as the house transformed into a spaceship with Chrissie Hynde at the helm and flew away into a swirling multi-colored vortex
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Russian deep-sea fisherman posts some of the weirder things he has caught. Japanese diners reach for the wasabi
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Singer Richard Marx helps flight crew subdue violent passenger. Also helping were Daisy Fuentes, Groucho, Harpo, and some lady who speaks jive
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Smuggling Coke into the country inside a crate of Pepsi. There's a certain level of genius at play here. Not much, but some
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PETA to protest wool clothing, because apparently industries that rely on keeping animals alive and healthy are bad
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For the first time in years, Texas did not lead the nation in executions. LOSERS
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Photoshop this nightmarish antique toy
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Gunman in Zurich mosque shooting had 'links to occult' according to police. Peace-loving Cthulhu cultists around the world issue immediate denunciations
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Fark's 2016 Headline of the Year contest: Politics headlines
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Fark's 2016 Headline of the Year contest: Entertainment headlines
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Insert rectum, damn near killed him joke here. Heh, insert
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If you're seeking Kyle, he's on his porch across from the elementary school... cradling an assault rifle. Because, you know, he's a "hunter"
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Berlin police discover that maybe grabbing the first swarthy-looking guy you see after a possible terrorist attack isn't such a good idea
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Those Bothans didn't just die stealing the Death Star plans. A lot of them fell to their deaths through all the gaping plot holes in the movie
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North Korea's "nuclear explosion" in 2010 was actually an earthquake
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You're the Pentagon, and you've commissioned a new "blast gauge" that you hope will help detect soldiers' brain injuries caused by nearby explosions. Except, it's actually detecting brain injuries caused by soldiers firing their own weapons. Wat do?
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Help solve the ten second attempted robbery, which is also what your wife calls the last time you had sex
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Fark Store Daily Deal: Flying Spaghetti Monster / Cthulhu ski mask. (Sponsored Link)
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Detectives originally thought the victim died of natural causes having previously had keyhole surgery to his chest, but it later emerged he had been shot six times
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Awww yeah I just caught a pikachu, who da man, who da ma-*BOUMP BOUMP*
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Woman wins over $77k on scratch-off lottery ticket after husband dies of cancer. No word on what her third wish was
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Well at least the Upper Mid-West will get to enjoy a white Christmas. They'll freeze off their jingle-bells in the process, but hey, anything for Bing Crosby. Love that guy
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Photoshop this LED tunnel
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Actual math problem: "Tony can send 5 texts and 3 nudes in 19 minutes. He could also send 3 texts and 1 nude in 9 minutes. How long would it take him to send one text and one nude?" Teacher now learning impact of negative numbers in HR file
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Uber driver really, really doesn't like it when you tap on the window of his vehicle. Really
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Breaking: After two years, investigators have concluded that MH370 is still lost
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Nativity scene removed over concerns it might offend town's four Muslims. That makes no frankincense
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You've got your red wine in my hot chocolate ...no you've got your hot chocolate in my red wine. Any way you pour it, it sounds great
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Today in Scientists Are Cash-Grabbing Whores: "Sugar Ain't So Bad," sponsored by the sugar industry
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China hands back US drone. Perhaps they'd like an exchange?
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As it has always been and will forever be, Farkers, your number is zero
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Instead of putting all your money in the stock markets, you'd be better off investing it in preschool
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Another great reason to visit the famous Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, Colorado: the 1,200 choices of whiskey
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Today's ridiculously priced, attention-whoring food item is a $2,000 pizza
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Is grandma spry?
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Synagogue beefs up security after receiving threatening letters blaming the world's problems on the Jews and Ron Howard
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If you got your teeth cleaned at the Center for Family and Specialty Dentistry in Reading, Pa., you should probably get tested for HIV. That is all
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When the Grand Trunk meets a Grand Cherokee you can be pretty sure there's a Grand Drunk: "I don't think she realized she was driving on train tracks"
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Man sues McDonald's over the erroneous middle word in "extra value meals"
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Charter school, Success Academy, is successful at stealing tax-payer dollars. Teaching students? Not so much
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Ah, the old "Give me full access to your bank account -- I promise I won't steal your money (name of pro athlete)" dodge
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Fark NotNewsletter: In which 2016 decided it wasn't done with us yet
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Photoshop this wall-washer
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You know what we should do to prank Trump? Change the Wifi's name to "Hackthis-Russians"
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Woman selling positive pregnancy tests on Craigslist to pay way through school, helping out those with no spare time for sex
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Woman takes baby Jesus from Nativity, delivers to hospital, reports neglect
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Russia's answer to the F-35 is cheaper, faster, and stays in the air longer, although the same can also be said of a thrown brick
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Helmet camera captures Florida man driving in ditches, medians, and knocking over streetlights. Police unsure if stroke victim or average Florida driver (Not safe for work links in sidebar)
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It's official: Idiocracy now a documentary
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Woman finds rocket warhead in yard, posts pic to Facebook asking what it is. Well, it's metal and pointy and call 911 dumbass
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Library book finally finds its way home - 122 years overdue
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Bana Alabed, the 7-year-old whose Twitter account and posts made her the face of Syria's plight in Aleppo, has made it to safety
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Finally, a multimillionaire oil heir you don't want to punch
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Photoshop this cold swimmer
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Pakistan Airlines adds ritual goat sacrifice to their preflight checklists to ensure good luck
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You make one lousy crystal meth sale to an undercover agent and suddenly no one wants you to be constable anymore
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Truck plows into Christmas market in Berlin
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Fishing communities in Madagascar struggle due to its disappearing coral. It's disappearing, Coral
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Man attempts to dual-wield while robbing an Uber car. Driver teaches him why that only works in movies, presumably after delivering a clever one-liner
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White supremacist who plotted to build a "death ray" to kill Muslims and President Obama faces sentencing today after being convicted under an anti "dirty bomb" statute passed by Congress in 2004, because "Criminal Stupidity" is not an actual offense
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Frying turkeys, screwdrivers at a knife fight, and a Spartan Christmas tree: these are YOUR Headlines of the Week from Sunday, 12/11 to Saturday, 12/17
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Why we need to keep funding religious charities, reason number 666: Who else is going to perform exorcisms on our rescued underage sex workers?
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Russian bath lotion kills 41 drinkers, proving yet again the wisdom of just putting the lotion in the basket when you're told
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U.S. to disclose an estimate of the number of Americans under surveillance. Which should be the total of all who currently use Google, Facebook and Twitter
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Russian fan builds legendary Soviet motorcycle for Metallica frontman James Hetfield
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Do not even THINK of serving this for lunch at school when you know all the kids have smartphones
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Now that the troubles of Africa are all sorted out, surely we have £5.2 million in aid for the "Ethiopian Spice Girls"
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Antimatter beamed with laser reveals possible secrets of how the universe was created, and unleashes anti-sharks with frikken pineapples on their heads, because antimatter is weird shiat
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Russian ambassador to Turkey shot in Ankara, which will make it difficult for him to walk. Especially since he's dead
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Deer crashes through window of gym, takes a few laps, rushes off before Browns can sign him
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It's Sunday, Sunday, gotta get down on Sunday
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Man breaks into 'Sexy Salad' restaurant, eats food, urinates in a garbage can and falls asleep on the floor. Says establishment passes first test for holding a Fark party
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Seven of the 10 most stolen cars are more than 10 years old: "The smart thief knows the latest cars are only a waste of time because of anti-theft technology"
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'Unicorn hot chocolate' is the new trend to keep you warm, sustain Lord Voldemort
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Because Christmas falls on a Sunday this year, some churches have decided not to hold a Sunday service
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Fark Store Daily Deal: Scrivener for Windows. Too late for NaNoWriMo, but ready for your New Year's resolutions for a higher daily word count. (Sponsored Link)
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