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Sun January 31, 2016
(San Luis Obispo Tribune)
 
 
 
Prankster phones in gas leak warning to local Burger King, employees buy that whopper and start breaking store windows
source: sanluisobispo.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Abc.net.au)
 
 
 
Here in Australia, we know how to compare wieners - and race them
source: abc.net.au   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NPR)
 
 
 
Good news, everybody. Starting this month, Food Stamp beneficiaries only get three months of their fat-cat lobster and caviar lifestyles before the government cuts them off. Better eat up now, poors, the gravy train is ending
source: npr.org   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Telegraph)
 
 
 
Study: Being a regular at your local bar makes you happier than the norm
source: telegraph.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(WTOP)
 
 
 
Local Satanists are about to give the Phoenix City Council a real-life demonstration in unintended consequences
source: wtop.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Mediaite)
 
 
 
Mom found guilty of taking toddler to Syria to join ISIS. Why the toddler wanted to join ISIS remains unclear
source: mediaite.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Page Six)
 
 
 
"You know this is the 20th time we've buried Abe Vigoda." So what's one more, for old time's sake?
source: pagesix.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Some sports Guy)
 
 
 
Photoshop this history museum
source: offcite.org   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(BBC)
 
 
 
Long before slummy mummies, pyjamas once ruled the fashion world
source: bbc.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(AL.com)
 
 
 
If you're a police officer, you probably should make sure you're detaining an actual suspect and not a cleaning lady before you use your taser on her
source: al.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Metro)
 
 
 
New Zealand town experiencing weird wave of biting attacks. "We've never seen these people before - they're certainly not locals. This is a local shop, for local people"
source: metro.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Huffington Post)
 
 
 
Troll Aid
source: huffingtonpost.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Daily Mail)
 
 
 
Forget sleeping dogs, let sleeping elephants lie (Warning: Graphic images/some Not safe for work content)
source: dailymail.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Metro)
 
 
 
Monday is National Sickie Day in the UK. Here are 16 reasons to call off tomorrow. Subby would consider it, but calling in sick would be a lie and management cannot lie to itself. Plus, there's that conference call and End of Month reports
source: metro.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Imgur)
 
 
 
Photoshop this show of force
source: i.imgur.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Gawker)
 
 
 
Things you don't want to hear on your flight: "I saw an older gentleman. He had thrown up all over himself. " "Rumors of airborne contamination spread through the plane." "It was probably as tense as anyone wants to be at 30,000 feet"
source: gawker.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(PennLive)
 
 
 
Man arrested for selling fake sports memorabilia, because most people are pretty sure there are no such players as Barry Binds or Emit Smith
source: pennlive.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(BBC-US)
 
 
 
Hilarity ensues as police officer is called to woman's noisy 50th birthday party, is mistaken for stripper: "Someone shouted: 'Oh, are you the stripogram?' It was flattering, I suppose"
source: bbc.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(TechEBlog)
 
 
 
Nikon awards photography prize to photoshop. Can Farkers do better?
source: techeblog.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Stuff.co.nz)
 
 
 
El Salvador: No sex until 2018
source: stuff.co.nz   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Guardian)
 
 
 
Guardian headline: Terry Wogan, veteran BBC broadcaster, dies of cancer aged 77. Daily Mail headline: Immigrants are taking our cemetery plots
source: theguardian.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Toronto Sun)
 
 
 
♫ In the navy / We'll behead on seven seas / In the Navy / With my fellow jihadis ♪
source: torontosun.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Knowlege Nuts)
 
 
 
On January 31, 1956, a B-25 bomber flying from Nevada to Olmstead Air Force Base, crashed into the Monongahela River, never to be seen again. "There is nothing logical about losing a 15-foot plane in a 20-foot river"
source: knowledgenuts.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(WorldWide Weird News)
 
 
 
Couple unhappy with the restaurant food and service: A) complains to the manager. B) leaves no tip. C) steals the mirrors
source: worldwideweirdnews.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(HipHollywood)
 
 
 
Seems we all just got trolled. (Quick follow up to below link)
source: hiphollywood.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Daily Mail)
 
 
 
How many fingers am I holding up? 14? Good
source: dailymail.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Stuff.co.nz)
 
 
 
After welcoming their second child, married couple have friends over for a little placenta nosh
source: stuff.co.nz   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(WTOP)
 
 
 
Police find something Hokie in the death of 13 year old
source: wtop.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(GMX (Austria))
 
 
 
Photoshop this live fire exercise
source: i1.gmx.at   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(6ABC Philadelphia)
 
 
 
CSB Sunday Morning: Checkout adventures
source: 6abc.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Mashable)
 
 
 
Noted: Never go to a robbery with a gun when the shopkeeper has a flame thrower
source: mashable.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(KOIN Portland)
 
 
 
Dildos on parade in Burns
source: koin.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CBS Pittsburgh)
 
 
 
College students spend 1/5 of class time texting and checking Facebook. Why those lazy, good for nothing... As soon as Subby is done posting this to Fark, he's going to call his kid and... shhhhh... boss coming, look busy everyone
source: pittsburgh.cbslocal.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Fox News)
 
 
 
Boston police arrest over 50 members of notorious MS-13 gang. Still no progress in rounding up remaining members of the MS IE death cult
source: foxnews.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Yahoo)
 
 
 
If you are a disgraced former NBA star, please don't use Instagram to post questionable things, like this admission to grand theft and credit card fraud
source: sports.yahoo.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(WFAA Fort Worth)
 
 
 
Ethan Couch will remain in juvie at least until his February 19 hearing, judge rules when he finally stops laughing at bail request
source: wfaa.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Daily Mail)
 
 
 
Tough guy threatens to break the legs of the passenger kicking his airplane seat. Fark: A 7-year-old kid
source: dailymail.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Rocketnews 24)
 
 
 
It was terrible when the kitty got eaten by the mices, so terrible in fact he couldn't even wake up for it
source: en.rocketnews24.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(TuneIn)
 
 
 
Coming up at the top of the hour it's Livingston Stapler Company Presents. Two hours of music hosted live by a farker in chilly Juneau, Alaska. (9PM AKST/10PM PST)
source: tunein.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(6ABC Philadelphia)
 
 
 
Hard working college students to be penalized for finding a way to pay for overpriced college education
source: 6abc.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
Sat January 30, 2016
(WYMT Hazard)
 
 
 
← Free BBQ
source: wkyt.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CBS Images)
 
 
 
Photoshop this dark warrior
source: cbsnews1.cbsistatic.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(USA Today)
 
 
 
New Zealand town says it's under attack by a gang of great white sharks: "We are being targeted, and it's only a matter of time before they get someone. It's like Jaws anonymous out there"
source: usatoday.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NBC4i)
 
 
 
Marietta, OH police officer retired this week. He wanted his partner to retire with him. Instead, the city will auction him off to the highest bidder. You can bet people have a problem with this
source: nbc4i.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CBS Los Angeles 2)
 
 
 
Couple who met on Instagram marry at airport minutes after meeting for the 1st time. #ThisShouldEndWell
source: losangeles.cbslocal.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Daily Mail)
 
 
 
'Slummy mummies' who wear pajamas in public while taking children to school should expect their husbands to cheat, according to Daily Mail writer who asserts that in France the moms primp themselves to look sexy and flirt with the headmaster
source: dailymail.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Zenfs images)
 
 
 
Photoshop this cold climb
source: media.zenfs.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CBS4Denver - KCNC)
 
 
 
Biker brawl at Colorado Motorcycle Expo leaves multiple people shot, one stabbed
source: denver.cbslocal.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Toronto Star)
 
 
 
"Yeah, gimme a shot of that fancy cognac you have over there, would you?" "That will be $1000, sir." *spit-take*
source: thestar.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Some Guy)
 
 
 
For these Benedictine monks, to brew well-made beer is to pray. Also, rare monk trifecta complete
source: catholicnewsagency.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(SeattlePI)
 
 
 
Overnight count shows a sharp uptick in homeless people on the streets of Seattle, of which approximately two thirds fall into the category of 'gender unknown'
source: seattlepi.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Fark)
 
 
 
NYC Fark Party at White Oak Tavern 1/31 noon
source: fark.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(WTKR)
 
 
 
Ever tried emulating the jumps, spins, kicks and aerial antics of the Shaolin warrior monks? How about on horseback?
source: wtkr.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(ABC News)
 
 
 
From the Whadja-Think-Would-Happen Dept: Guy who hid $2M in gold in Rocky Mountains and published it probably got treasure seeker frozen to death
source: abcnews.go.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Local10 WPLG)
 
 
 
You should take care in dressing for your crime spree lest you get a really unfortunate nickname
source: local10.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Local10 WPLG)
 
 
 
If you were hanging out at the Cracker Barrel trying to pick up 79 year old women, the Boynton Beach police would like a word with you
source: local10.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(ABC News)
 
 
 
*Knock Knock* who's there? Monk delivery
source: abcnews.go.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(LA Times)
 
 
 
California's most wanted prison escapee walks into friends' business, has them call police, and goes outside to smoke for 20 minutes waiting to be arrested
source: latimes.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Minneapolis Star Tribune)
 
 
 
"It seems like the Mound Westonka students have dressed as KKK members to play an annual dodgeball tournament." "It's a bold strategy, Cotton, lets see if it pays off for them"
source: startribune.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CBS Detroit)
 
 
 
Detroit panhandler, tired of people saying they don't have any spare change, now accepts credit cards
source: detroit.cbslocal.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(ABC7 Chicago)
 
 
 
Okay, so you got free tickets to a Lady Gaga concert, took luxury trips and nailed a couple of prostitutes. Big deal. Excuse me? Well, what kind of secrets are we talking about?
source: abc7chicago.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Yahoo Images)
 
 
 
Photoshop this mean case of the grumps
source: l.yimg.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(News.com.au)
 
 
 
"I am sorry madam, but Slovakia is not in our system. This country does not exist." "Can you google it?"
source: news.com.au   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(MSN)
 
 
 
ASPCA seizes almost 600 animals from no-kill shelter. People involved will get a tote bag for their troubles
source: msn.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(ABL13 Houston)
 
 
 
A veteran who suffers from PTSD reunites with Hemi the cat who went missing 4-years ago. "I never knew a cat would get attached to me, or I get attached to it." Enjoy your Caturday everyone
source: abc13.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(LA Times)
 
 
 
China to pay Ecuador $80 million for Amazon prime
source: latimes.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(PennLive)
 
 
 
Couple tried to get a-head of life by renting out human craniums that had diseases
source: pennlive.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NBC News)
 
 
 
Facebook bans gun sales from its site. In related news, you could buy a gun on Facebook
source: nbcnews.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Herald Tribune (SW Florida))
 
 
 
Woman found dead in hotel room, with an incoherent man and two monkeys. Police are calling the death "suspicious"
source: heraldtribune.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Belfast Telegraph)
 
 
 
While it may be raining cats and dogs where you are, it's coming down rabbits in Northern Ireland
source: belfasttelegraph.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Daily Mail)
 
 
 
And in Australia, toilet seats are killing people like everything else there
source: dailymail.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(AlterNet)
 
 
 
How much money do porn stars really make? I'm asking for a friend
source: alternet.org   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Daily Beast)
 
 
 
"There is no easy way to say this, but gin was like the meth of 1700s England. While its production didn't involve exploding RVs in cornfields or mass Sudafed heists, gin wreaked havoc on society"
source: thedailybeast.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Metro)
 
 
 
Budget supermarket chain now really, really wishes it hadn't asked the internet to play 'fill in a blank'
source: metro.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
Fri January 29, 2016
(Fark)
 
 
 
Well, you can't use the snow as an excuse like you did last week, but you can still take the Fark Weird News Quiz while trying to look busy at work. Even sober, if you're into that kind of thing
source: fark.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Click Orlando)
 
 
 
A mime is a terrible thing to waste
source: clickorlando.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Mother Nature Network)
 
 
 
An elephant buried under the Vatican along with popes you say? It's more likely than you think
source: mnn.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Huffington Post)
 
 
 
Not sure if alien baby or mutant teletubby
source: huffingtonpost.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Daily Mail)
 
 
 
Refugee who died while waiting for asylum has status upgraded to "made up"
source: dailymail.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(News 13 Orlando)
 
 
 
New in Florida: a wheelchair-accessible zipline over a lake full of alligators. Because even the differently-abled should get to experience the thrill of skirting death by carnivorous lizards
source: mynews13.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Big Story)
 
 
 
Fearing the the US and Mexico were getting all the attention, Italy has also captured armed and dangerous criminals holed up in a bunker this month
source: bigstory.ap.org   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Local)
 
 
 
And there you were, thinking that only American politicians were dumb enough to mistakenly invade the wrong country
source: thelocal.se   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Big Story)
 
 
 
It's official. The #1 celebrity couple of 2015 has finally come to an end after a messy break-up
source: bigstory.ap.org   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Reuters Media)
 
 
 
Photoshop this raw beauty
source: s3.reutersmedia.net   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(WTKR)
 
 
 
Drivers form human chain to rescue trucker after crash on Pennsylvania Turnpike, as opposed to the human centipede that is the usual traffic on the Pennsylvania Turnpike
source: wtkr.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(News.com.au)
 
 
 
Do not fly on these dates.. for you will either see a gremlin ripping up your wing or go missing over the Indian Ocean and never be found. That and it will cost you more
source: news.com.au   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Network World)
 
 
 
Cable Installer of the Year to be crowned in Orlando on Feb. 3, sometime between the hours of 9 and 5
source: networkworld.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Palm Beach Post)
 
 
 
"The deputy shot me. Look at my battle scars, man"
source: postoncourts.blog.palmbeachpost.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Cheddar Valley Gazette)
 
 
 
'Have you seen the sign? There is a house here - so, you know, if you could not drive into it, that would be great'
source: cheddarvalleygazette.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Newser)
 
 
 
Teen risks prison, death, mummy's curse to get some amazing photos
source: newser.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Daily Mail)
 
 
 
Subby has no idea what a 'Micropenis' is but he does feel great sympathy for the rest of you Farkers
source: dailymail.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Fusion)
 
 
 
Scientists say wisdom teeth removal rarely necessary. An wu hell me hat NOW??
source: fusion.net   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Christian Science Monitor)
 
 
 
Navy takes credit for yesterday's shake-up in New Jersey, claims that an F-35 actually flew
source: csmonitor.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Local)
 
 
 
Man who checked into Paris Disneyland hotel carrying guns, ammunition and a Koran was 'just moving house', he told police. Easily done - I once moved carrying a tank, a trident nuclear submarine and an TLAM missile system
source: thelocal.fr   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Imgur)
 
 
 
Photoshop this creation
source: i.imgur.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Portland Press Herald)
 
 
 
Affluenza teen family's legal woes, general douchebaggery date to 1980
source: pressherald.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Metro)
 
 
 
"If you're reading this snarky letter I left in the glove compartment, you've probably stolen my car... again"
source: metro.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CNN)
 
 
 
Zebra cousin that went extinct 100 years ago is brought back by scientists. It's now called the first successful attempt at reviving an extinct species since McDonald's brought back the McRib sandwich
source: cnn.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Huffington Post)
 
 
 
For those of you who heard the "Texts from a Beta" song, the composer comes clean. So to speak (Not safe for work)
source: huffingtonpost.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Hartford Courant)
 
 
 
What is the correct way to deal with a disrespectful employee? The answer may shock you
source: courant.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Telegraph)
 
 
 
Qatar Airways announces plans for world's longest direct flight, which will take more than 18 hours. Or as United Airlines calls an 18 hour journey, getting from the gate to the tarmac
source: telegraph.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Toronto Star)
 
 
 
If the mass graves resulting from your regime's pogroms can be spotted from outer space, you know you're in trouble
source: thestar.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Daily Express)
 
 
 
Russian bear rubs its nuts again after sending fighter jet to DANGEROUSLY buzz a U.S. spy plane over the Black Sea in international airspace
source: express.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Consumerist)
 
 
 
McDonald's response to customers' complaints about no cheese in their mozzarella sticks? Cooking is tricky
source: consumerist.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Yahoo)
 
 
 
Japan puts its military on alert for some possible incoming North Korean missile test debris, says they're not really concerned about a direct attack because North Korea can only hit the water
source: news.yahoo.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Local)
 
 
 
If you live on the 4th floor of an apartment and accidentally lock yourself out there's a logical and illogical way to try and get back in. Unfortunately, some people choose the latter
source: thelocal.es   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(ABC 30 Fresno)
 
 
 
Apparently, pretending to be an exotic dancer when cashing fake checks isn't cool
source: abc30.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(LA Daily News)
 
 
 
SoCalGas CEO: "Utility will pay entire cost of leak." Which translates to: "Your gas bill is going to go up"
source: dailynews.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(WNCN Raleigh)
 
 
 
Kalashnikov to open AK-47 factory in Florida. Which is like opening a McDonald's in the middle of a hospital's cardiac care wing
source: wncn.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Northern Territory News)
 
 
 
Meteorologists in Australia telling local citizens that they do not need to be alarmed by the large phallic cloud seen yesterday. It's just your run of the mill Cumulonimbenis, or perhaps a Stratocumulerection
source: ntnews.com.au   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(BBC)
 
 
 
Last Land Rover Defender rolls off the line after 67 years of production, killed by strict new limits on exhaust emissions. Because everyone knows that the leading cause of wildlife fatalities is lung cancer from 4x4 pollution
source: bbc.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(96.1 KISS)
 
 
 
He did try to warn them with the shirt
source: 961kiss.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Columbus Dispatch)
 
 
 
In today's news mad libs, Ohio Senator Rob Portman blames the US Department of Health and Human Services for slave labor and trafficking of Guatemalan teens at Ohio egg farms
source: dispatch.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Bleacher Report)
 
 
 
NFL to return to Roman numerals after Super Bowl 50. Although it could be a problem in four more years when it will look like Super Bowl 54 is a tribute to Liv Ullmann
source: bleacherreport.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Stroud News and Journal)
 
 
 
Look, you can't just go around shaving other people's cats, regardless of whether it's your fetish or not
source: stroudnewsandjournal.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Hartford Courant)
 
 
 
Protester catches state police on video discussing how they should charge and arrest him to "cover their asses" since they couldn't find an actual crime had occurred
source: courant.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Guardian)
 
 
 
New findings in the leaked documents provided by terrorist mastermind Edward Snowden reveal the US and Britain spied on Israeli jets and drones by hacking into their systems
source: theguardian.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Local 12 Cincinnati)
 
 
 
Best late-for-work excuses include "my hair caught on fire", "I was detained by Homeland Security" and the ever popular, "a Vaseline truck overturned on the highways and cars were slipping left and right"
source: local12.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Oregon Public Broadcasting)
 
 
 
FBI video shows Tarp Man reaching for a concealed handgun before being shot (Warning: video may be disturbing)
source: opb.org   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(WUSA9)
 
 
 
Don't you hate when you go to the dentist to have a tooth pulled and wake up with his penis in your mouth?
source: wusa9.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(National Geographic)
 
 
 
Photoshop this view at an aquarium in Atlanta
source: images.nationalgeographic.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Blackmore Vale Magazine)
 
 
 
Norma the tortoise, 35, defies vet's expectations to pull through after rat attacked her while hibernating. If she were 17 years younger and called Raphael there would be a pun here
source: blackmorevale.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Shanghaiist)
 
 
 
First rule of construction work for a migrant worker: If the boss doesn't pay you your damn money for your labor, encase his car in scaffolding
source: shanghaiist.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Telegraph)
 
 
 
Meet the ultimate crazy cat lady. She hisses at dogs, hates water and claims she can even see better at night
source: telegraph.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(ABC News)
 
 
 
Caption this meeting between one of the most powerful men in the world and Pope Francis
source: a.abcnews.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Click Orlando)
 
 
 
When you're at an animal park in Florida and a snake falls from a tree and bites you, it can be hard to determine for legal purposes if the snake escaped an enclosure or if it's just a wild beast
source: clickorlando.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Mother Nature Network)
 
 
 
A teacher can make $138,000 per year after 15 years of educating young minds... in Luxembourg
source: mnn.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Daily Mail)
 
 
 
Some dude is hanging around Sundance pretending to be Bradley Cooper and apparently it's working. What celebrity could you use to score tail?
source: dailymail.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NBC News)
 
 
 
If you have any old Circuit City gift cards laying around, I have some good news
source: nbcnews.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Click Orlando)
 
 
 
In order to keep its tax exempt status, the Holy Land Experience theme park needs to have one day a year when admission is free. And this year it will be Wednesday, February 24. "Please be advised the gates will close when park capacity is reached"
source: clickorlando.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(WFAA Fort Worth)
 
 
 
Man reunited with prized canoe after serious oar deal
source: wfaa.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Mother Nature Network)
 
 
 
Because when buying an apartment in a hi-rise building the first thing you think about is skiing down it
source: mnn.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Metro)
 
 
 
Woman, 112, attributes her long life to smoking 30 cigarettes a day
source: metro.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(WFAA Fort Worth)
 
 
 
If you're going to steal a safe, bring a truck, not a Camry
source: wfaa.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Metro)
 
 
 
Tony the Tiger doesn't like furries? That's all right, Chester Cheetah has an open mind
source: metro.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
Thu January 28, 2016
(Washingtonian)
 
 
 
Jefferson Hotel moves on up to second place on U.S. News and World Report's list of the best hotels, finally gets piece of pie
source: washingtonian.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Mirror.co.uk)
 
 
 
In a bid to end poverty, the Swiss government proposes to pay every adult £425 a week - whether they work or not. Critics point out holes in the cheesy plan
source: mirror.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NPR)
 
 
 
The anonymous source who confirmed Challenger's fatal cold weather flaw finally reveals his identity. Bob Ebeling, 89, told his wife the night before the launch "It's going to blow up"
source: npr.org   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Detroit Free Press)
 
 
 
Let them eat lead-cake
source: freep.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CBS Boston)
 
 
 
Pizza joint owner told to hold his pepperoni
source: boston.cbslocal.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(680 News Radio)
 
 
 
Meanwhile in Canada, four cops actually charged with perjury and obstruction of justice for planting drugs on a drug dealer
source: 680news.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Fox 4 Now Fort Myers)
 
 
 
Floridians are so accustomed to seeing plastic pink flamingos, they apparently have forgotten how to act around actual flamingos
source: fox4now.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Lifehacker)
 
 
 
Article on biggest wastes of time we regret when we get older. TotalFark subscriptions surprisingly not mentioned
source: lifehacker.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CBS News)
 
 
 
Psychic fails to predict her own involvement in a murder investigation
source: cbsnews.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CBC)
 
 
 
Welcome to Ontario - where you can legally smoke medical marijuana as long as you don't use an illegal ashtray
source: cbc.ca   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NPR)
 
 
 
Gas company "believes," "expects," "anticipates," "plans," to "estimate," "projects," "forecasts," "contemplate," "intends," "depending," "should," "could," "would," "will," fix "confident," "may," "potential," "proposed", leak "possibly"
source: npr.org   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Big Story)
 
 
 
Gas blast from NJ garbage truck damages four homes, residents impressed by improved smell
source: bigstory.ap.org   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(BBC-US)
 
 
 
In a headline subby swears he isn't making up: Stalin 'used secret laboratory to analyse Mao's excrement'
source: bbc.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Livestream)
 
 
 
Oregon Standoff episode 6: Season Finale. LGT Livestream of FBI presser
source: livestream.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Deviant Art)
 
 
 
Photoshop this boat
source: img04.deviantart.net   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(KUOW Seattle)
 
 
 
Construction crews unearth ancient mammoth bones beneath Oregon State football stadium end zone. Experts believe they were stomped to death by ancient ducks during some prehistoric civil war
source: kuow.org   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(ABC News)
 
 
 
They just do it better in Florida: The woman who sued Casey Anthony for defamation stole a cancer patient's credit card
source: abcnews.go.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Local)
 
 
 
Smoking e-cigarettes can cause tooth loss. The onset is reported to be quite rapid
source: thelocal.de   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Details Magazine)
 
 
 
Millennials drink more wine than any generation. "But lest you Millennials get too smug, the very first members of the iGeneration turn legal in all states this year. There are 61 million of them, and they are coming for you"
source: details.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NJ.com)
 
 
 
USGS says that series of eight loud rumbles heard from NJ to CT were not an earthquake, blame sonic boom. NOAA: Yep, probably sonic boom. NASA: Wasn't us. NORAD: We didn't observe anything. DOD: Nope, not any of our aircraft
source: nj.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Atlanta Journal Constitution)
 
 
 
Georgia lawmaker: The KKK wasn't *all* bad
source: investigations.blog.ajc.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Talk 910)
 
 
 
So, if I pee in public over here I'm a sex offender, but if I pee over here I'm keeping the park clean?
source: talk910.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Lacrosse Tribune)
 
 
 
Disease, wolves, extreme sports top list of Minnesota moose killers
source: lacrossetribune.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Boulder Daily Camera)
 
 
 
Topless gardener convicted of swindling blind senior citizen out of his trailer home after failed presidential assassination attempt. Florida tag stares wide-eyed
source: dailycamera.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(SeattlePI)
 
 
 
Duct tape season, Dumbass season, Duct tape season, Dumbass season, Duct tape season, Dumbass season, Duct tape season, Dumbass season
source: seattlepi.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Mirror.co.uk)
 
 
 
That 'treat' you always love giving your pooch? Yeah, it's not a treat. That and other foods you should never feed your pet
source: mirror.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Yahoo)
 
 
 
Measure twice. Cut once?
source: yahoo.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Some Food Nut)
 
 
 
Fark Food Thread: Do you recall times when the light went on and you learned a new way to prepare foods that dramatically simplified or improved the quality of your cooking? Share suggestions to the right for all the local cooks
source: cookinglight.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Fark)
 
 
 
Photoshop theme: Create a monument
source: fark.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(LA Times)
 
 
 
How to pair wine with your favorite Girl Scout cookies
source: latimes.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Reuters)
 
 
 
Metal object believed to be aircraft debris washes up on Malaysian shore
source: reuters.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Twitter)
 
 
 
David Bowie is reborn in the form of an ugly-ass Colobus monkey named Ziggy at the St. Louis Zoo
source: twitter.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CNN)
 
 
 
Armed man arrested before he can do something Dumbo at Disneyland Paris
source: cnn.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NPR)
 
 
 
Dr. Margaret Chan of The WHO calls the spread of the Zika virus "Alarming and Explosive", just like their new album
source: npr.org   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NJ.com)
 
 
 
Come in for the crossing guard suspended for texting the mayor directly about unsafe conditions, stay for the intelligent and well thought out nj.com comment section
source: nj.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Yahoo)
 
 
 
Feh, one of a million boring real estate listings *clicks next pic* WHOA
source: yahoo.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(News 96.5 Florida)
 
 
 
Barbie will now come in three new body types like petite, tall and one that actually likes to eat
source: news965.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Mirror.co.uk)
 
 
 
Man who lives next to beach complains to his council about: A) Loud parties B) Trash C) SAND
source: mirror.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Guardian)
 
 
 
Two U.S. sailors who have already had to be rescued nine times before even leaving Europe, on a planned attempt to sail across the Atlantic, become a sterling example of the Dunning-Kruger Effect as they insist they are "totally capable guys"
source: theguardian.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Vice)
 
 
 
You can now study tacos at the University of Kentucky
source: munchies.vice.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NL Times (Netherlands))
 
 
 
Police kick in opera singer's door after confusing singing with screaming, tell him to immediately leave the aria
source: nltimes.nl   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Connecticut Post)
 
 
 
Sharing your high school sexting photos and videos is so last year. Selling them to your classmates is far more lucrative
source: ctpost.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Buzzfeed)
 
 
 
Have you ever wondered what a cat's undercarriage looks like while it's lying on a glass table? Well first, look no further and second, seek professional help
source: buzzfeed.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CBS News)
 
 
 
New survey finds that Americans hate their government more than ever. Especially when the government is late with checks for Social Security, unemployment, disability
source: cbsnews.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Guardian)
 
 
 
Australian coffee shop advertises opening hours on "National Dickhead Day." Death threatery ensues
source: theguardian.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Local10 WPLG)
 
 
 
The most important thing you'll learn at DeVry is that your degree isn't worth what they told you it would be
source: local10.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(ABC 27)
 
 
 
It's been 30 years since the space shuttle Challenger exploded. What do you remember from it? Where were you when it happened?
source: abc27.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Gannett Images)
 
 
 
Photoshop this tennis grimace
source: gannett-cdn.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NYPost)
 
 
 
♪ Who can take your trash out? Stomp it down real low? Screw a hooker then say he was hit while clearing snow? The garbage man can, oh the garbage man can ♫
source: nypost.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Daily Mail)
 
 
 
Like the fist of an angry god
source: dailymail.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(News.com.au)
 
 
 
That's not a white elephant......... THIS is a white elephant
source: news.com.au   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Abc.net.au)
 
 
 
Comic super-villain level of terrorism achieved as ISIS supporter planned on stuffing kangaroo full of explosives then releasing it into crowd
source: abc.net.au   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(ABC News)
 
 
 
Pastor released from Iranian prison gains his freedom
source: abcnews.go.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Bloomberg)
 
 
 
Pharma Bro testifies before Congress, continues to fark with the Wu-Tang Clan
source: bloomberg.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Hartford Courant)
 
 
 
Man faces deportation because immigration officials now consider ballroom dancing a sport, not an art
source: courant.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Mirror.co.uk)
 
 
 
Nailed it
source: mirror.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Huffington Post)
 
 
 
Stoned, hallucinating coyotes may be terrorizing California drivers, buying unsafe ACME products
source: huffingtonpost.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CNBC)
 
 
 
Wounded Warrior Fund spends more money on themselves than on wounded veterans
source: cnbc.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Channel 3000 Madison)
 
 
 
Three legged pit bull from WI takes a bullet defending family from robber
source: channel3000.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Slate)
 
 
 
Guess which country got a little less free last year?
source: slate.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(ABC News)
 
 
 
Nine-year-old collects Barbie dolls for homeless girls her age. No Barbie dollhouses please...it would be mean to rub it in like that
source: abcnews.go.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(River Falls Journal)
 
 
 
Wisconsin school district actively seeking proofreader, PR specialist
source: riverfallsjournal.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Farktography)
 
Farktography
 
Theme of Farktography Contest No. 560: "Shades of Gray 2" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
source: farktography.net   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
Wed January 27, 2016
(The American Interest)
 
 
 
Algeria would like to add to the general batshiattery going on in their part of the world
source: the-american-interest.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(KTVB Boise)
 
 
 
Fool Ranch Dildito Thread 5: Ammon Bundy gives stand down order, asks followers to pack it in. UPDATED link: 3 more have surrendered
source: ktvb.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NYPost)
 
 
 
The Florida doctor filmed berating an Uber driver tells 'Good Morning America' there's absolutely no excuse for her actions. And then provides a number of excuses for her actions
source: nypost.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Yahoo)
 
 
 
Ugly-ass 7-month-old baby in Troy, Mich. wins Gerber Baby Photo Search
source: yahoo.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(New York Daily News)
 
 
 
Santa Claus arrested for DUI after driving wrong way down street in Idaho. Ho ho ho
source: nydailynews.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Fox News)
 
 
 
"Possible tornado" uproots trees, damages roofs, and tosses cars around in south Florida. Well, it's either that, or somebody REALLY pissed off Bruce Banner again
source: foxnews.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(ABC 30 Fresno)
 
 
 
Okay, who swiped my bull splooge?
source: abc30.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Chicago Trib)
 
 
 
Man pleads guilty in theft of 1,800 cases of beer. Would get Hero tag, except it was all Miller
source: chicagotribune.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(My Dayton News)
 
 
 
From Jesus to Solomon, an Ohio pastor prayed for so long during the opening of an Ohio House session that the Speaker of the House just said Amen during a pause and ended the more than 5-minute prayer. With video
source: mydaytondailynews.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Mirror.co.uk)
 
 
 
"I'm so sorry for your loss. I have to say, though, the hardcore porn played at the services was pretty hot"
source: mirror.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Fark)
 
 
 
Photoshop theme: Alternative uses for a cone
source: fark.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Yahoo)
 
 
 
Father spends a year and a half turning child's room into the most awesome tree fort ever
source: yahoo.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Jalopnik)
 
 
 
Put a deposit on your brand new 2017 DeLorean DMC-12* today. *Mr. Fusion not included
source: jalopnik.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NPR)
 
 
 
The FCC wants to bring an end to cable companies forcing you to rent a box from them. You better believe that the cable companies have about 19.5 billion problems with this
source: npr.org   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Vox)
 
 
 
Study finds "driving while black" really is a crime
source: vox.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(UPI)
 
 
 
You want to protest deforestation, so you C) put four live snakes in your mouth
source: upi.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Gawker)
 
 
 
Lost: One AR-15 rifle. If found, please contact the Orange County, California Sheriff's Office
source: gawker.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Sun Sentinel)
 
 
 
$15 million dollar yacht sinks off the coast of Ft. Lauderdale. Onlookers report hearing a rendition of "Nearer My God To Thee" on the world's tiniest violin
source: sun-sentinel.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(WAVY Virginia)
 
 
 
You can have a civil discussion with your child's assistant principal, or you can simply knock them unconscious
source: wavy.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(KVAL Eugene)
 
 
 
HezBenWaBallah Siege Thread 4: Bro, do you even stream edition (LGT Harney County Sheriff's press conference & comments by FBI Special Agent in Charge)
source: kval.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Contemporist)
 
 
 
Photoshop this solar-powered streetlight admirer
source: contemporist.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Mirror.co.uk)
 
 
 
Cool: Pub in the UK installs a free condom machine to promote safe sex. Fark: You have to be sober to get one
source: mirror.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Tech Dirt)
 
 
 
Cop sent UWIE to 16-year-old girl. But its okay because "she's probably seen penises on the internet anyway"
source: techdirt.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Newser)
 
 
 
This potato photo is a real conversation starter. For example, "You paid how much for that?" and "Have you recently suffered brain trauma?"
source: newser.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Yahoo)
 
 
 
On Holocaust Day, Israel releases a hand-written plea for clemency written by Adolf Eichmann shortly before his execution, but it's kinda hard to read, stained as it is by the tears of laughter Israeli authorities shed while reading it the first time
source: news.yahoo.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(USA Today)
 
 
 
This just in: People who shop for "natural" foods don't understand food labels
source: usatoday.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(BBC)
 
 
 
The founder of Bikram Yoga has been fined $6.5m for sexual harassment of a lawyer with other claims pending. That's left him in an awkward position
source: bbc.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Mother Nature Network)
 
 
 
Javi the sweater-wearing cockatoo needs to talk to you about your keeping exotic birds captive
source: mnn.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(WTOP)
 
 
 
Rivier University (NH) is offering "employment guarantee" for graduates: Get a job within nine months of graduation, or we'll pay your student loans for a year and let you take free classes. And if I'm unemployed after that? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
source: wtop.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Fark)
 
 
 
Another week, another reminder that we're still x number of weeks from shiat getting real. I hope you solved for x. Also, progress updates to your writing is always helpful. THIS is your Fark Writers Thread "Why am I submitting so early?" edition
source: fark.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Chicago Trib)
 
 
 
Buttplug Haram siege thread 3
source: chicagotribune.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(News.com.au)
 
 
 
Cat stuck inside claw game toy vending machine. Best prize ever
source: news.com.au   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Metro)
 
 
 
Food poisoning expert recommends you avoid these six foods if you want to live, though he does enjoy some good clickbait now and then
source: metro.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(News.com.au)
 
 
 
A blow-up doll can look amazingly lifelike. Especially when a boater calls the Coast Guard because one is struggling in the water
source: news.com.au   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NPR)
 
 
 
Much like the country's infrastructure, the Great Wall of China is collapsing
source: npr.org   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Imgur)
 
 
 
Photoshop this family portrait, 1915
source: i.imgur.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Stars and Stripes)
 
 
 
The US will start withdrawing forces from Afghanistan as early as 2017. Wait, make that 2027. Oops, make that 2037. Oh who am I kidding, we'll be here forever
source: stripes.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Local10 WPLG)
 
 
 
Behold the kinkajou, native to South American rain forests and Florida attics
source: local10.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(News.com.au)
 
 
 
The city \\\\\\\\\\ ///////...___ into the sea
source: news.com.au   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Evening Telegraph (UK))
 
 
 
Seven police cars scrambled to intercept dangerous man armed with a deadly bicycle repair kit. "There was a misunderstanding," said police spokesperson
source: eveningtelegraph.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Oregon Live)
 
 
 
FBI has given the remaining Branch Dildonians until 4 AM local time to vacate Malheur. Live updates in link
source: oregonlive.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Bangor Daily News)
 
 
 
Man who stole more than $2,000 worth of lobster from a lobster dealer and also served time for molesting another lobsterman's fishing gear in trouble with the law again. How shellfish of him
source: bangordailynews.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(KOAA)
 
 
 
In Montana, the homeless feast on something called "roadkill salvaged food"
source: koaa.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CNN)
 
 
 
Indiana principal sacrifices life to save children from out-of-control school bus near Indianapolis
source: cnn.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
Tue January 26, 2016
(KIRO TV)
 
NewsFlash
 
Another mass shooting, this time for real
source: kirotv.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Time)
 
 
 
Man dies while using his stick shift too much while driving
source: time.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Global News (Canada))
 
 
 
Usually, when there's a van going around offering free, on-the-spot prostate exams, you end up calling the police. This one is actually legit and could save your life
source: globalnews.ca   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(KATU)
 
NewsFlash
 
Gunfight at the Flaming Dildo Corral. Ammon Bundy and eight others in custody
source: katu.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Gannett Images)
 
 
 
Photoshop these unusual golf carts
source: gannett-cdn.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Fark)
 
 
 
I've saved a lot of lives, but I got no life savings. All I got is last post 850. Lgt lp 849
source: fark.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(McSweeney's)
 
 
 
If you fill out this Millennial Think-Piece bingo card correctly, you too can create your own Millennial Think-Piece, submittable to New York Times and other highbrow journals, that thoroughly discusses what the deal is with millennials
source: mcsweeneys.net   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Fox 6 Birmingham)
 
 
 
Remember that Zika virus that the CDC was warning about, and hoping to keep out of the United States? Well, Arkansas would like to let you know that they're finally first in something
source: wbrc.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Yahoo)
 
 
 
It's not just Murica raising little fatasses on junk food. A-S-I-A, A-S-I-A
source: news.yahoo.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Gizmodo)
 
 
 
"3 minutes to midnight" is great news if you are at a New Year's Eve Party event, but terrible news if you are at an Atomic Scientists' Doomsday Clock event
source: paleofuture.gizmodo.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Gawker)
 
 
 
Inspection finds no signs of shooting at San Diego Naval Medical Center. Sounds like somebody *puts on sunglasses* jumped the gun
source: gawker.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Orange County Register)
 
 
 
Hold on to your livers, Hannibal Lecter has escaped from prison
source: ocregister.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Telegraph)
 
 
 
Rare giraffe spotted. To be fair, though, they're all spotted
source: telegraph.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(TASS News Russia)
 
 
 
Photoshop this gauge
source: photocdn3.itar-tass.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Irish Times)
 
 
 
Housing survey finds Limerick is the most affordable place to buy a home. Man from Nantucket demands a new survey
source: irishtimes.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(FOX6Now)
 
NewsFlash
 
Abe Vigoda joins Morgan Freeman, Justin Bieber, Tom Hanks, Chris Brown and Abe Vigoda in the afterlife
source: fox6now.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Bloomberg)
 
 
 
A barrel of oil is now worth 9/10 of a salmon. No idea what that is in Rhode Islands
source: bloomberg.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Fox 6 Birmingham)
 
 
 
Alabama Deputies allege they were wrongly terminated for refusing an order from the Sheriff...to smuggle pot for his aunt
source: wbrc.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(WTOP)
 
 
 
There's a lizard in my salad...cool
source: wtop.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(SeattlePI)
 
 
 
Washington State Senator Roach kicked out of Human Trafficking task force over abusive conduct and "vile comments" blaming victims, not to mention scurrying under furniture whenever someone turns the lights on
source: seattlepi.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(LA Times)
 
 
 
Many LA parents were skeptical about new Uber-like services for their kids because of safety concerns about letting their kids ride with total strangers, but then they figured they had shiat to do, and the kids were a hassle, so really, fark safety
source: latimes.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Epoch Times)
 
 
 
Teenager dies after drinking Mountain Dew. Oh, did we mention it was mixed with racing fuel? DO THE DEW
source: theepochtimes.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(WTVM Columbus)
 
 
 
For those who think White Castle is just a little too classy for your Valentine's date
source: wtvm.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CBC)
 
 
 
Mercury drops suddenly in Canada
source: cbc.ca   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Some Guy)
 
 
 
Weekend at Martinez's
source: pokerstrategy.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(KERO 23 Bakersfield)
 
 
 
I rob thee Dollar Tree IN THE NAME OF ISIS
source: turnto23.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(BBC)
 
 
 
I bought the missing £33m lottery ticket. No, I bought it. No, no, it's mine. You're all wrong, it was me
source: bbc.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(WTVM Columbus)
 
 
 
Bakery tries to assure customer that a racial slur on little girl's birthday cake was a complete accident
source: wtvm.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Metro)
 
 
 
Scientists have found a way to trick you into eating less pizza
source: metro.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(LA Times)
 
NewsFlash
 
Active shooter situation reported at Naval Medical Center in San Diego. Occupants advised to "run, hide or fight"
source: latimes.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Equestria Daily)
 
 
 
Wild patent troll spotted in Equestria. Princess Celestia orders condition DEFPON-3. Royal Guard on war hoofing, Luna and Twilight preparing to activate 'Lunar Friendship Cannon'
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(Daily Edge (Ireland))
 
 
 
Naturally the first thing you think of on your last day of working at Burger King is to get even with them by taking all their chicken nuggets
source: dailyedge.ie   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(SacBee)
 
 
 
Advice columnist pranked by letter with old "Seinfeld" plot. Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it
source: sacbee.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Orlando Sentinel)
 
 
 
The unseasonable cold brought a massive 17-foot python out from hiding so it could sun itself and terrify everyone
source: orlandosentinel.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Cayman News Service)
 
 
 
14,000 square feet of ocean reef destroyed by Paul Allen
source: caymannewsservice.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Local)
 
 
 
Nude Roman statues covered up to prevent offending incoming Iranian diplomats
source: thelocal.it   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Slate)
 
 
 
Here's what 200k in student debt looks like
source: slate.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(News.com.au)
 
 
 
Caffeine drinkers rejoice: coffee makes exercise seem like less effort
source: news.com.au   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Fox News)
 
 
 
Photoshop this joy ride
source: a57.foxnews.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Mirror.co.uk)
 
 
 
British holidaymaker dies after 'downing four buckets of vodka and Red Bull,' over 20 bottles of lager, shots of Sambuca plus Jack Daniels and cola while holidaying in Thailand. Told you he was hardcore
source: mirror.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(National Geographic)
 
 
 
Sri Lanka holds a religious ceremony to apologize to elephants, in the hopes that even though they never forget, they might forgive
source: news.nationalgeographic.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Stack)
 
 
 
Every time an Uber driver brakes too sharply or speeds, their smartphone puts it on the record in case of customer complaints. And you're next
source: thestack.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Fox News)
 
 
 
When my daughter screams, I hear the sweet sound of Jesus
source: foxnews.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CNN)
 
 
 
"White Slavers" sued for copying the East India Company
source: money.cnn.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Raw Story)
 
 
 
Drunk "Green Beret Colonel" expresses desire to join the Oregon Dildo Collectors' Convention, then threatens to murder police officers and invokes the Ronald Reagan Defense when asked about his service record
source: rawstory.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Mother Nature Network)
 
 
 
"The most stolen item in grocery stores across the globe is cheese"
source: mnn.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Click Orlando)
 
 
 
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's dog
source: clickorlando.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(UPI)
 
 
 
Oil spills are good for the environment
source: upi.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Daily Mail)
 
 
 
It's illegal to wear a fake mustache to church
source: dailymail.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(ABC News)
 
 
 
Kentucky judge rules that Fark is 3/4ths of the way to a tax exemption
source: abcnews.go.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NJ.com)
 
 
 
Man shot in ass over snow shovel dispute
source: nj.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NBC Philadelphia)
 
 
 
Poop in our stairwell once, shame on you. Poop in our stairwell twice, shame on us
source: nbcphiladelphia.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
Mon January 25, 2016
(KPTV Portland)
 
 
 
Landslide destroys part of cemetery, witnesses describe the situation as grave
source: kptv.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(IndyStar)
 
 
 
Indy Driver struck after earning his own pole position
source: indystar.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CNN)
 
 
 
Good news everyone: Only 4% of gun deaths are due to crazy people
source: cnn.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(WSAZ West Virginia)
 
 
 
Remember, always conduct your Craigslist robberies in a safe, public area and nowhere near your victim's gun cabinet
source: wsaz.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Lacrosse Tribune)
 
 
 
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and prosecutors ask the judge to take away his freezers full of fillets and boat because he's been fishing over the limit
source: lacrossetribune.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Gawker)
 
 
 
Remember when Donald Trump's wife and Donald Trump's mistress got in a public brawl in Aspen? Good times, good times
source: gawker.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Dallas News)
 
 
 
HOAs are great at protecting your property values, until the pond the HOA owns eats your yard. Then it's all ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
source: dallasnews.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Fark)
 
 
 
Fark NotNewsletter: The things that get you guys all commenty
source: fark.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(MLive.com)
 
 
 
Man accused of felony assault for repeatedly striking his daughter with a hunk of frozen bacon. Additional charges of 2nd degree bacon abuse pending
source: mlive.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Time (Images))
 
 
 
Photoshop this unidentifiable floating object
source: timedotcom.files.wordpress.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Chron)
 
 
 
Grand jury sucks the life out of Center for Medical Progress
source: houstonpublicmedia.org   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(DNA Info)
 
 
 
What did you do during the Snowpocalypse? Did it involve building your own igloo and listing it on AirBNB? No? Alright then
source: dnainfo.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Detroit Free Press)
 
 
 
Detroit Police seeking woman with dementia. Hell, give it a couple of years and they'll be able to get all they want from Flint
source: freep.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Toronto Star)
 
 
 
As expected, Toronto police officer found not guilty of second-degree murder and manslaughter after firing two lethal volleys of shots at teenager. Not expected - he was found guilty of attempted murder
source: thestar.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Local)
 
 
 
Attention, parents: no one likes it when you bring your baby to work. Especially if you're a famous bullfighter
source: thelocal.es   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(New York Daily News)
 
 
 
Looking for 23-year-old man, cops taser 86-year-old man instead. "Meh, close enough"
source: nydailynews.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Gawker)
 
 
 
Prosecutor to Making a Murderer defendant: Why don't you just confess so I can write a book about your murder case?
source: gawker.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Imgur)
 
 
 
Photoshop this woman hailing a cab in New York City, 1956
source: i.imgur.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Wonkette)
 
 
 
"Excuse me, the person in the car behind you is very drunk. Do you mind waiting here at the window until the police arrive?"
source: wonkette.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Local)
 
 
 
Please note: disposing of evidence of your crime by throwing it in a lake works much better during summer, when it's not frozen over
source: thelocal.dk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CNN)
 
 
 
Tons of sperm wash up on English beaches
source: cnn.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Raw Story)
 
 
 
Hundreds turned out for a Star Wars themed snowball fight in Washington, DC; however, many adults old enough to remember the first one lamented about how it just wasn't the same and all the new kids ruined it and had no appreciation for Hoth
source: rawstory.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Newser)
 
 
 
"Hi, uh, we're the two dumb asses that got caught trying to bring some stuff through your border and all your cops are just driving around us like a bunch of jack wagons, and I'd just like for you guys to end it"
source: newser.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Guardian)
 
 
 
DC airport can't figure out how much snow fell after airport technicians lost their "device meant to measure snowfall," known elsewhere in the world as "stick"
source: theguardian.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Detroit Free Press)
 
 
 
Awesome: Belgian Ale from Trappist monks. Possibly not quite as awesome: Byzantine Jam from Yooper monks
source: freep.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Daily Beast)
 
 
 
Pastor debates leaving marriage business after accidentally marrying triple murder suspect to sole witness to murders
source: thedailybeast.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The New York Times)
 
 
 
British explorer becomes first man to cross 97% of Antarctic alone
source: nytimes.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The Raw Story)
 
 
 
Forget dueling banjos, there's a new duel in town
source: rawstory.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Daily Mail)
 
 
 
Nice going crypto-anarchist wiz kid, soon the terrorists will be 3-D printing death for everyone
source: dailymail.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Yahoo)
 
 
 
Your dog wants a banana and some Gatorade
source: sports.yahoo.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Detroit Free Press)
 
 
 
Militia group can't wait, er, is prepared to use deadly force against the republican government they helped elect, if necessary, in order to distribute water in Flint, Michigan. Truly Fark: Their ally is Michael Moore
source: freep.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Daily Express)
 
 
 
ISIS warns it will beheading for Britain next
source: express.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(CTV News)
 
 
 
The Beer Whisperer
source: ctvnews.ca   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Ars Technica)
 
 
 
Have a camera to keep an eye on your baby sleeping? Too busy to watch it? Don't worry, there is an entire internet of pervs watching. They even have their own search engine
source: arstechnica.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Metro)
 
 
 
People of Tinder versus People Looking at Tinder
source: metro.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Fark)
 
 
 
Wichita Massacre Brothers may have a branding problem, apes smoking on Mars, and a lovely day for a barber queue: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 1/17 - 1/23
source: fark.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Irish Independent)
 
 
 
Vets stay behind during Australian bushfire to care for injured wildlife - specifically, ugly ass baby kangaroos
source: independent.ie   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(ABC11 North Carolina)
 
 
 
An ugly-assed sloth rescued from side of road. Mammoth and Sabre-tooth tiger still unaccounted for
source: abc11.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Stuff.co.nz)
 
 
 
You know the government's getting desperate for votes when they send a cat an electoral enrollment form. Bonus: the cat is named Chairman Meow
source: stuff.co.nz   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(The New York Times)
 
 
 
Protip: If a man is roaming the halls of your apartment building with a machete, do not offer to give him a hand.... or two
source: nytimes.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Some SHOT Show guy)
 
 
 
Tacticool yoga pants are a thing now
source: thefirearmblog.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Some Guy)
 
 
 
Guns don't kill people. Autonomous guns kill people
source: themonitordaily.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Telegraph)
 
 
 
British man claiming to be the "Archbishop of Peckham" is selling a miracle cure that's really just a $4 bottle of Aldi olive oil he's doubled the price on
source: telegraph.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Perth Now)
 
 
 
So, why is there a tiny little pocket just above the front pocket in most denim jeans? (Hint - The actual answer is over 100 years old)
source: perthnow.com.au   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Newser)
 
 
 
Not news: Mayor awards college scholarships. News: To virgins. Fark: Women only
source: newser.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Newser)
 
 
 
Human skull in shop triggers investigation. Yeah, that'll usually do it
source: newser.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Telegraph)
 
 
 
Photoshop this eel
source: i.telegraph.co.uk   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(NYPost)
 
 
 
Anti-circumcision 'intactivist' confronts the retired doctor who altered his manhood back in 1965. "I asked him, 'Did that make you feel like more of a man to do that to me when I was eight pounds?' He had nothing to say"
source: nypost.com   |   share: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter
 
(Mashable)
 
 
 
Doobie you agree to be my lawfully wedded wife?
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