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| Sun May 24, 2015 |
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If you left 9 brains on a street near railroad tracks in Governeur, New York, police would like to have a word with you
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Begun the circumcision wars have
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NOAA would like everyone in Oklahoma to know that all weather radios in the state are down due to a cut fiber cable. EVERYBODY PANIC
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One of the little-known features of Uber is that drivers can cancel pickups after they see how other drivers have rated you. But this one magic phrase guarantees you 5 stars every time
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this hole
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Good idea: Tipping your waitress. Bad idea: Trying to put the money down the front of her shirt (w/video)
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You have only five weeks left to block the fast lanes of Indiana Interstates
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"We're of the belief here at UCF that if you flunk a class, you should pay more"
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It's all fun and games 'til someone steals Harry Truman
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When picking a car for your 100 mph drunken joy ride try to avoid the one with "student driver" logos
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Craft beer drinkers are finally discovering this thing called "Lager"
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Sword wielding man in an elf costume attacks a BMW. Apparently Ganon was driving in Portland on Saturday
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Burning tanker shuts down major freeways. Just another day in Detroit
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Photoshop this specialist and his specializations
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Having quadruplets is not that unusual ... unless you're 65, and already have 13 kids
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Pro-tip: If a woman offers you a massage, make sure it does not involve tying you to a bed and setting you ablaze first
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Caught fooling around? Science has a new defense: infidelity lurks in your genes. Warning: big scientific words, though the plus side is that if you learn a few you'll sound more convincing as your mate brandishes the cast iron pan
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Must have been a good night drinking. Thieves steal a government vehicle from a storage lot and took it on a joyride for six hours. They then returned it
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"Despite the UK's advances in modern medicine this episode has all the finesse of improvised surgery on Nelson's flagship during the Battle of Trafalgar"
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Four reasons why feeding bread to ducks is stupid: "It's junk food for ducks"
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SURE they are...
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Undercover PETA operative files complaint because sheep shearers were swearing (Some Not safe for workish images in article)
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"Yunessan Spa House in Hakone, located in south-eastern Japan, offers relaxing ramen baths as part of its total spa experience. The baths are filled with a ramen pork broth and synthetic noodles (they're not allowed to use the real thing)"
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Sheriff Joe Arpaio asks the public for help paying his legal fees. That's the joke
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"The operation was making so much money that when a VW Golf that they were using was seized by police, nobody bothered trying to get it back"
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Bacon arrested after dispute over sausage
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World's oldest person turns 116. Is one of only three remaining people born in the 1800s who is still alive
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Among the new animal species discovered in 2015 is a frog that gives birth to live tadpoles, a pufferfish that makes elaborate designs in the seafloor sand to attract mates, and a spider that does cartwheels when threatened
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Photoshop what this woman is measuring
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CSB Sunday Morning: A day in the crowd
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Pot heads arrested at pot convention for selling pot
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Cool: Immigrant couple leaves entire $847,000 estate "to America." Not cool: "At the rate the federal government spends money, the $847,215 left by the Petraseks will be used up in about eight seconds"
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You're drunk in the afternoon in your trailer next to the church. There are a bunch of screaming kids outside playing volleyball in the parking lot and all you have is your BB gun. What do you do, deputy?
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Fire 49 times into a car, killing an unarmed man? That's a ... well, not even a slap on the wrist. And yes, plenty of people have a problem with this
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Iraq war veteran who lost his legs in combat finds a brand new friend in a rescue dog named Tango who is also missing a leg. "Being as I'm an amputee, as well, we thought ... maybe we could teach each other a few things"
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Some potatoes have more iron than others
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Twelve blind teenagers are preparing to hike at the Grand Canyon, making those of us with perfect vision look lazy
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Woman attempts selfie, gets a great shot
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From the heart of beautiful downtown Juneau it's Livingston Stapler Company Presents. Two hours of music hosted live by a farker, starting at 9PM AKDT/10PM PT
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A veteran's thoughts on why we shouldn't say Happy Memorial Day: "It's the one day on the American calendar meant to exemplify what it costs to be American and to be free... and we've turned it into a day off work, a tent sale and a keg of beer"
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Turns out that the anti-gay pastor in Michigan who was outed via Grindr told a gay teen that he was better off going to Hell for suicide than for being gay
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| Sat May 23, 2015 |
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He got better
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Apparently it was legal to add one's special sauce to a meal before
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Students are shocked, SHOCKED that someone would change their yearbook quotes to say things like 'Want to hear the most annoying noise in the world?' and 'The only negativity around here should be a pregnancy test'
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Fark-ready headline: "Police itching to find suspect in rash of genital flashers"
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Man finds himself the owner of the only Porshce 911 ever made
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"Half-naked man left taped to traffic lights by pals wearing nothing but underwear." What more do you want? (SFW pic)
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This is why Dancing With Machetes never caught on, although it's a lot more watchable than Dancing With The Stars
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Photoshop these birds over a palm
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Vandals cause "irreversible damage" to inflatable dam in San Francisco area, resulting in loss of 50 million gallons of water
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Waco declares May motorcycle safety month. No, really
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Missouri limits revenue cities can raise from speed traps, but does not limit revenue cities can raise from grass length violations. And rulers are cheaper than radar guns
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Sure, go toe to toe with a MIG a couple times and they call you "Maverick." But drive your trainer off the runway into San Diego Bay just once, and spend the rest of your life with people calling you "Shamu"
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Giant, buff kangaroo stalks residents, has to be at the gym in 26 minutes
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"What's interesting, 'cause it's spring, they're pairing off now. That one junco that visited, he's got a buddy, he's got a female that visits with him regularly now. Yeah, they've hooked up. It's like a bar romance"
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Fark foodies, here's what you need to know about cast iron. As an added bonus, some myths busted
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Photoshop this center of attention
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For anyone hoping for an independent review of police records regarding the Duggar family molest-a-fest, we have some bad news
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Bowling alley robbery reported, woman struck over head with ball. Police watch video surveillance, ask "Are you sure that's how it happened?"
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"If somebody came through having the worst day of their life, if I can make them smile for just a second, it was worth it because that was one second of that day that they found something worth smiling about"
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iPhone saves man from gunshot wound to the chest. Teddy Roosevelt unimpressed
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"Over the past year, anti-NSA pranksters have hidden dozens of mini tape recorders under tables and benches around New York City, secretly taping people's conversations. This week, they launched a website where they've posted them"
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"The front page of Adult FriendFinder, which is based in California, features photos of dozens of attractive young women. Yet the hacked user data, contained in 15 spreadsheets, reveals how few females appear to use Adult FriendFinder"
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"We get a lot of compliments about the way the TV is mounted on a beer keg, but I don't think anyone has ever come in here and not said this place is a shiathole"
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Today's seemingly innocent competition you played growing up that is apparently killing children left and right: Underwater breath-holding games
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Annual list of the top ten beaches in the U.S. includes Coast Guard Beach in Massachusetts. Swimmers overwhelmingly enjoy the three days out of the year it's warm enough to actually go in the water
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Here are some foods you might have to pay a lot more for, thanks in part to this whole California drought thing
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When garden gnomes and a pond just won't cut it, a Soviet Rocket makes the perfect lawn feature
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Ever want to have all the amenities of a five-star hotel in the middle of the woods? A concept called "glamping" does just that
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Sorry, but you're doing push-ups incorrectly. Now read this, drop down, and give me 20
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Photoshop this view on the wall
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Is it safe?
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Virginia cop resigns after learning that a Taser and pepper spray isn't the correct treatment for someone who may be having a stroke
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A tabby cat named Baby needed to be rescued from the undercarriage of an old Volkswagen Beetle. He is looking forward to some Fahrvergnügen time on Caturday
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News: Awesome report from PBS on how Colorado's legal marijuana is affecting Nebraska. Long story short: They are raising property taxes to give the cops more money to arrest pot heads (w/video)
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Professor plans to burn a confederate flag on Memorial Day in hopes of sparking conversations about the meaning of the flag. And not surprisingly someone has a problem with this
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When Irish hearts are happy, all the world seems bright and gay
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Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one
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Mexican standoff ends with 40 dead
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Slow speed police pursuit behind a Mustang convertible with "Victory Parade" on door. To be followed by Taser party and then excessive force fiesta
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College professor: Americans can't handle gun ownership
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| Fri May 22, 2015 |
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It's your slightly early copy of the Fark Weird News Quiz, for that handful of you that haven't left the office already or feigned illness
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Torching your place for the insurance? Don't get the policy 10 days prior, have an arson record, move your stuff to a storage unit with your gas cans and copy of "Introduction to Fire Origin and Causes," or plot how to spend the cash on phone in jail
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Black man holds white man at gun point, and then the Atlanta police arrive. You think you know where this is going?
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Which of the seven stages of grief is this again?
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Neighbors complain of foul odor, pickle company says it's no big dill
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Naked man attempts to steal baby at graduation ceremony. Man, these senior pranks are getting way out of hand
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American farmers believe the avian flu outbreak is now under control. By the way, your three-egg omelet will be $34.75
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Oklahoma man, who left school in 1943 to join the Marines and fight in World War II, finally receives his diploma after 72 years. "Nobody has ever heard me say I was a hero. The only heroes I know are the people that didn't come back"
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Photoshop our new robot overlord
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Quoth the raven, "Holy shiat, WTF is that bear doing?"
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Even in Texas, running sonograms at a flea market for entertainment purposes is against the health code
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Robert De Niro to NYU grads: 'You're f--ked'
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Torn from the Front Page of the Bangor Daily News: Day-old chicks cause cute ruckus at farm supply store
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New $46K logo does not rate a TN with constituents
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Aurora shooting victim's parents have to pay gun manufacturer nearly a quarter of a million dollars. Because fark you, that's why
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Chinese entrepreneur opens a restaurant called Forrest Gump that is staffed by people with learning difficulties and that's all I have to say about that
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You know your day is gonna suck when you fall down the stairs. You know it's really gonna suck when you fall down the stairs and out of an open window on the 5th floor
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop Tennis Match: fun with a familiar landscape
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Heading to pick up some burgers and hot dogs for that Memorial Day bbq? Remember that the word "natural" on the label doesn't really mean anything. Of course, you're buying hot dogs, so maybe you don't care
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Not to be outdone by North Carolina, Florida's random naked man sits atop a drawbridge (Not safe for work image in article)
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Farmer catches sex offender in his underwear, says he has no idea how he got in his underwear in the first place
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Earthquake measuring 4.2 in magnitude hits Kent in the UK, laying waste to tens of pounds worth of garden furniture
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Because you just read it for the articles
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From the "What Could Possibly Go Wrong?" department: During mandatory weather evacautions, Floridians can now pack their guns with them
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Head transplant surgeon silences critics by saying they are just jealous they didn't think of it first
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Ladies and gentlemen, we've done it. We now have a robot that can read our minds, know when we want a beer, and serve it to us
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We apologise for the fault in the correction. Those responsible for correcting the fault in the correction have been corrected
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Ever wanted to learn how to take a perfect shower? Granted, you should have learned all this when you were six or so, but it's always good to have a refresher lesson
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Incredibly angry man calls 911 four times to demand ride home and speak to "whoever runs Moron County" (w/ incredibly angry mugshot)
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List of ten best places for BBQ in the U.S. seems pretty spot on -- New York City? Get a rope
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Six out of eleven "Extra Virgin" olive oils tested don't meet standards, have apparently been seen hanging out with the Canola oils...and we all know how shameless Canadian oils are
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As of today Pac-Man is now old enough to be president of the US
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350,000 holes in Los Angeles, and while some may be quite small, it will cost $8.6 billion to fill them all
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Cloudy with a chance of tarantula
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Charleston teacher gives back: $100 to each of her students. Fark: to double donations given to charities of their choice. That's just good math, y'all
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Photoshop theme: That's one small step for...
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Don't want to pay for a prisoner's sexual reassignment surgery? Parole 'em. Problem solved
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Swatter swatted
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Before the first astronaut can plant the flag of Earth on Mars, there's a lot of things we need to figure out. Including what the flag of Earth actually looks like
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More than a quarter of a middle-aged person's skin is "on the road to cancer", which was coincidentally the worst Hope/Crosby film ever
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Voting has begun. Ireland may be the first nation in the world to allow gay marriage by referendum
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Josh "The LGBT Community is a threat to children's safety" Duggar has confessed to molesting more than five girls and resigned from the Family Research Council. His parents knew for 12 years and covered it up
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DC quad murder & child torture suspect captured by Metropolitan Police
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Having a property dispute with your neighbor? Stealing half his driveway will sure show him
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Pro tip: If you're going to shoplift, make sure you're not wearing clothes with your name emblazoned across it
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The next time you're looking for a romantic island getaway isolated from the rest of the world, think about visiting a former leper colony
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Alabama teacher, upset that students pranked her, says she hopes her victimizers get raped in jail
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The woman who ran over her husband with an SUV because he didn't vote in the 2012 election was just sentenced to 3 1/2 years in prison. Which means he's safe to skip out on 2016, but he better be registered by 2020
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If you've ever used AdultFriendFinder.com, congratulations: The entire internet now knows your sexual preferences
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Although it sounds good on paper, I'm not sure if scientists should be trying to solve the mosquito problem by breeding cannibal mosquitoes
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Behold the most poorly written article about the most farked up thing you will read about all year
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Don't you hate it when you innocently post this totally hot selfie on Facebook and somebody thinks you look so good they take the picture and use it in a sex ad? Me too. "They posted me as wanting multiple sex partners"
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70-year-old woman barricaded in mobile home has held off cops for 19 hours now, unfazed by flash-bang grenade and police robot. Fark: she shot the robot. Double Fark: she called the cops to her place
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There's drunk and then there's walking into a McDonald's in full scuba gear drunk
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Man erects 14-foot cross in Pakistan billed as "bullet-proof." Or, perhaps in Urdu they use the same word for "proof" as "magnet"
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The world has gone to hell because men have stopped wearing suits and ties
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Barista, I'd like another, and make it a stiff one
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Sweden's most bizarre unsolved murder was committed by a vampire ... or not
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| Thu May 21, 2015 |
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"I guess you could say *puts on sunglasses* it was a drug-fueled arrest. YEEAAAHHHH"
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Why graduates dress the way they do, and not because they want to rub their whole superior 'I just graduated from high school' thing all over your stuff if you let them
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Driver jailed for disguising his car as ambulance while caring for sick wife
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Ugly-ass Clouded Leopard quadruplets born at the Tacoma Zoo
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Freddie Gray police officers indicted
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these attentive waiters
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A third whale has struck San Francisco. Oh no, not again
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"Legalization threatens drug dealer revenue." Well, duh
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Rescued woman captive in a box for months to be placed back in a box
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The AP had a chance to review the security video of the Waco "biker brawl." Seems the official version may have a few more holes in it than all those dead bikers put together
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Fark Food Thread: Memorial Day Weekend.. get your drinks, your grill supplies, your desserts, and then take a moment to remember those that are gone. Have food plans for the holiday? Show us what we have to contend with
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Implosion of an East Texas town as city manager, police chief, the cop who beat up the police chief, and the two cops who recorded the city manager drunk at city hall are suspended
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| (Some Guy) |
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Missouri soybean farmers are using master baiters to showcase lubricants on their rods
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Pro tip: If you're married and having a sordid affair, try not to leave evidence lying around where others might find it. Like a sex tape and a bag of sex toys on a public bus
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In France, drug dealers offer loyalty cards
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110-year-old guy credits beer-a-day for long life; 47-year-old slobs everywhere now in hot pursuit of immortality
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Photoshop this angry lion
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Shockingly, Hillary Clinton's email dump yet to reveal that she personally did Benghazi, all by herself
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Jade Helm begins with the unveiling of Obama's new weather machine
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Sacramento burglars steal $8,000 in cash, electronics and pickles, resetting the 'days since last pickle burglary incident' clock to zero
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One in seven people on the planet still live without electricity. No one had any idea that Duke Energy had that many customers
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Designers propose solution to create affordable beachfront living with just a little refurbishing. Okay, maybe a lot of refurbishing
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Pro tip: When you are the only other person inside a deli with a uniformed police officer don't steal his cell phone when he puts it down
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Now that the "Late Show" is over, the set is being enshrined in the Smithsonian. Just kidding. It's sitting in the dumpster behind the stuido
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"A radio caller contacted a show to complain about the police but ended up confessing to a 30-year criminal history instead" (w/ audio)
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Dear Doctor, Thanks for performing my Caesarian five days ago. One slight problem - my bowel and intestines just fell out
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Eight charged in massive jewel heist. Inspector Clouseau always gets his man, though not always his rheum
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Things not to do after graduating from college: jump off a moving freight train
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Don't you hate it when you're building a sandcastle and a big bully kicks it down? Especially when you want to use that sandcastle to intimidate your neighbors?
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Google maps: "The President is near"
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This reporter's attempt to buy a velvet painting of a black trucker Jesus on Craigslist for $1 from some dude with a racist girlfriend did not, surprisingly, go as planned
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Police raid £1m 'professional' cannabis warehouse after. A) Month long surveillance. B) Tip from informant. C) Looking in the window
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SWAT team successfully apprehends a sleeping drunk man, but fails to shoot him for reasons that are still unclear
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Self-driving trucks are going to kill jobs. Hopefully, only jobs
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Pro-tip: When running from the law, do not return to the scene of the crime to get your lost hat
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Vacation's over. Back to school
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Anti-vaxxers graduate from lethal ignorance to actively stalking people
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Lumber Liquidators, whose shares dropped 62% this year after a 60 Minutes expose on the high level of formaldehyde in its flooring products and a criminal probe for illegal lumber importation, says it CEO just resigned "unexpectedly"
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Family house for sale. No HOA. How many bedrooms? Er, we're not quite sure. Let me get back to you on that
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Woman awarded $83 million after collection agency sued her for $1,000 she never owed. Apparently turnabout is fair play
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Kentucky couple dies during sex... in a car
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Q: Why did the chickens cross the road? A: Because they were VIOLENTLY THROWN ACROSS IN A TRUCK ACCIDENT
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♫ I see the blood moon arising / I see trouble on the way / I see earthquakes and lightnin' / I see those bad times today ♫
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"I do have sex fantasies about (Hillary Clinton). I imagine she's bisexual and that she's deeply passionate"
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Sweet 16 party gets plane disgusting
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Epileptic girl's seizures cut by 80 percent after parents move to Colorado. "Thank you cannabis," say parents. "Best parents ever," says daughter
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New discovery reveals that 'Alien' was around during the Pompeii volcano blast 1,900 years ago
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"Germany hires mimes to tell tales of how drinking too much can have serious consequences"
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Gyrocopter pilot who landed at the White House due in court today, hopes he can make it quick so he can return to menacing Mad Max
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DEA agents: Wait, you mean we're not allowed to have a side job running a strip club with hookers? That is some harsh shiat right there
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"They went inside the home dressed in what looked like space suits; I knew it had to be ET or a meth lab"
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Federal government showing no mercy in pursuit of motorcycle gangs, files motion to seize their trademarked logo. Next up: questioning them in the comfy chair
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"The challenge results in young people daring each other, through Instagram and Facebook, to take excessive amounts of paracetamol and this is a matter of great concern"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this lunar closeup
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Japan decides that hunting dolphins isn't enough. Now they're planning on farming them also
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Man is upset that his flight is overbooked, so he does the only logical thing and strips naked in the middle of the airport
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Good news for middle-aged drug dealers in NYC, the police no longer want to arrest you
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Go home, sea lion. You're drunk
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A guideline on the proper way to display the American Flag this Memorial Day weekend. It turns out you don't really have to burn yours if it accidentally touches the ground for a moment
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Insufferable coffee snobs and insufferable wine snobs and insufferable single malt scotch snobs have now been upstaged by in sufferable pot snobs. With photo gallery and description proof
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When it comes to colleges, we as Americans focus way too much on the prestige and brand of particular universities, says somebody who obviously went to Arizona State
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Father complains that Melbourne has removed his "love locks" from a bridge. "When I see my little girls' locks it reminds me to never give up trying to be a part of their lives." Because apparently he can't be arsed to look at the kids themselves
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Delta's new in-flight safety video is less WOW and more LOLWUT
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Asking the public for help naming your new ship is a good idea, unless the public hates you
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The US built a $25 million headquarters in Afghanistan that nobody ever wanted, wasn't needed or ever used. Why? Because fark you, that's why
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Black rhino targeted by the Texas hunter who paid $350K for the privilege manages to get the last laugh by dying before he gets there. So of course he just kills another one
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 524: "Software Hootenanny 5" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed May 20, 2015 |
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Last year a Cleveland man was found wandering on the highway, covered with blood and his penis missing, after someone attacked him with a knife. Now he's been found dead. Cleveland police say there's nothing suspicious about any of it
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ISIS seizes control of Palmyra. Nothing to see here, move along
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In response to Bill O'Reilly's denial of their story about allegations of physical abuse toward his wife, Gawker says fark it and does it live via court transcripts
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"Please list your highest education attained, if you have ever been convicted of a crime, and the name of your next of kin we should contact in case of martyrdom"
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Man claims stuffed owl is his public defender. Judge: ORLY
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Dear Prudence, I am obsessed with the bathroom habits of my coworkers. Should I talk to them about this?
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Photoshop this orbital occupation
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If you come back from two kamikaze missions, it's obvious you're not even trying
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Rand Paul is filibustering against the Patriot Act and NSA spying right now and no this has nothing to do with him trying to raise money for his presidential campaign
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We've secretly replaced this NPR reporter with a computer and had it generate a story on the same topic we assigned him. Who did a better job?
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Approximately 1,000 weapons were found at the scene of the deadly Waco biker gang fight. So with 170 arrested and 9 killed, that's... *cranks handle of old-timey adding machine* ... approximately 5.6 weapons per gang member
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Thousands of rush-hour drivers cry over spilled milk
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Police called in when someone spots Calvin pulling a Mitt Romney on Hobbes
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"911, please state your emergency." "Yes, we're at Costco, and there's a naked man walking around the parking lot and waving his machete at us." "Okay, we'll send police out right--wait, was that a euphemism?"
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How death metal cured my hatred for yoga, cookies
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Today in Texas' education system: "The worms were able to just slide down the throat, but I actually had to chew the frog"
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Truck carrying 28,000 liters of sulfuric acid overturns. "It smelt like jik and made me start coughing"
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So setting your parachute on fire is a bad idea. Who knew?
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Bacons now with 25% more bacons
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Parents being fined, and in some cases jailed, for sending their kids to school
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Create promotional materials for "Fark: The Movie"
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It looks like there's a small chance of a possibility that things might, from a certain perspective, in some ways be thought of as sort of, kind of, falling apart in Iraq
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From the WTF files: Bin Laden was a 9/11 truther?
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Old ladies collapse on such a regular basis at bingo halls in England, the policy is just to carry on playing
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"GraveTalk, a new resource to help get people talking about death and dying, includes 52 cards with questions like, "What would you like your legacy to be?'', "What does it mean to have a good death?" and "What does a roadside shrine mean to you?"
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Husband can't bear to be apart from dead wife so buys ice coffin to keep her body at home. True love never dies
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Colorado pot claims its fourth victim: "If he had not smoked marijuana that night he would still be here. He was extremely high"
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Man designs glow-in-the-dark toilet seat so you can see where you're going
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Well, here's a shocker. Wisconsin Gov. and Republican superhero Scott Walker is being investigated about a sketchy $500,000 loan
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Best Korea claims to be able to produce its own Fat Little Boy
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Gee why is this power substation made up of stones engraved in Hebrew?
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How long would it take one person to eat 1000 eggs?
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Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders unveils plan for tuition-free college educations paid for by taxes on Wall Street, ensuring his campaign will be funded by exactly no one
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Maryland, which already lets drivers change lanes without using turn signals, wants to lock in "Worst Drivers in America" title by removing parallel parking requirement from drivers license test
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You are free to wear sunscreen - but keep in mind that wearing most of it is just as likely to kill you as not wearing it
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820 lb. mako shark caught off the coast of Cape May, New Jersey. Enjoy your swim
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| (Pricipal Sayof Newswire) |
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"A salesperson who is purportedly with a Mickey Trump space criminal at the expense of a body on The Student, has to stop the internet manage for absolutely nothing"
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Reusing your water bottle could make you really, really ill
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"I'm simply following my vocation to be a pain in the ass" says nun who Vatican thinks is a pain in the ass
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A three month inspection of 7,571 gas station pumps yielded 103 credit card skimmers ready to pluck your data
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In a move that's sure to please everyone, Oregon is getting ready to test a pay-per-mile program meant to replace gasoline taxes
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Homophobic married reverend who regularly ranted against homosexuals and all things rainbow has been caught cruising for bottoms on Grindr
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Student takes senior prank to a whole new level, places entire school for sale on Craigslist. "50 rooms, 10 bathrooms, 3 gyms, fully stocked library"
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A drunk Walt Disney World guest crashed through a golf cart window and then jumped into a lake after hearing "It's a Small World" for the 5,000th time in 48 hours
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If you borrowed a Rembrandt selfie from Boston Public Library last year, officials want you to return it now that they finally noticed
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Anyone in the mood for adventure and certain death? Iraq is looking for volunteers to take back Ramadi
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American intelligence sources note that North Korea appears to have been a little photoshoppy with their submarine missile launch photos. You don't say. It's almost like they finally started reading Fark
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Someone developed a a brutally honest food pyramid for every stage of adulthood. They aren't nutritious, but they reflect what is really consumed (except subby apparently is still only 30)
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The latest hipster fad that you aren't cool enough to know about is the "bee beard." And if for some unknown reason you actually want to grow one, never let it be said Fark wasn't here to help you
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Two men plead guilty to selling synthetic marijuana at convenience stores. Police say they only had to tell one he had the right to remain silent
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Government ask public to design new national flag. Government surprised when public design flag with national bird shooting lasers out of its eyes. No really
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these food squares
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If you're going to steal from the Boy Scout store, always be prepared. To hire a good lawyer
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"In today's traffic report, watch out for that emu on the highway as it is jamming up traffic there"
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The freeway you're driving on today could be transformed into a giant aerial public garden tomorrow
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Repeat from 1969: Coastline wasted again, but not from an oil platform this time. From a broken pipe
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Eats shoots and starves
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| (Some Biker) |
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So, about that biker fight in Waco? It's starting to appear that a parking lot bar fight led to police shooting into the crowd, killing all 9 of the deceased. Conveniently, all 170 witnesses are incarcerated with $1 million bonds
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With a sting so painful it can push a grown man to the brink of insanity, your mother-in-law and this Australian plant have a lot more in common than you might think
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British warship the Lord Clive, sunk by Spanish cannons in 1763, could hold "treasure worth millions," including thousands of liters of 250-year-old rum. YO-HOHO-LO
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Bring a foam Nerf gun bullet to school in New Jersey? That's a suspendin'
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Nothing says "I hate my teaching job and I'd rather be in jail" quite like encouraging students to have sex in your classroom
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Federal agents shoot man outside furniture store in order to avoid giving chaise
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Yo dawg, I heard you like censorship
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You would think a bi-partisan sexual abuse education and prevention bill would have no trouble passing in Alaska. Until a social conservative from Wasilla steps in
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Philadelphia decriminalizes possession of pot, saves $1 million dollars: "It should be no surprise that decriminalization has saved the city money and freed up police time and resources"
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I know what you're saying: where can I get these fine new airbags? Well that's the gag. Chances are, you've bought 'em already. So, remember, spread a little sunshine, and put on a happy face
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I guess she could always run for office
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Crayola tells people to stop using colored pencils as eyeliner, looks accusingly at Sharpie
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2,800 sq. ft. duplex in downtown San Francisco that needs a complete interior gut rehab sells for DOUBLE its listed price - $2.35 million
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| Tue May 19, 2015 |
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Pop quiz Hotshot. You have a group of boys fighting in your classroom, tables and chairs flying everywhere. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?
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If you've donated money to Cancer Fund of America, Cancer Support Services, Children's Cancer Fund of America and the Breast Cancer Society, we've got good news and bad news for you
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On this day in 1992, Mary Jo Buttafuoco says "I need Amy Fisher around here like a hole in the head"
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From today's Good Luck With THAT file: "University lecturer wants to give 'educational marijuana' to high school children to make them more creative"
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Photoshop this girl by the French seaside in the 1950s
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I scream, you scream, we all scream when the ice cream truck goes missing
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If you like your beach sand seasoned with howitzer projectile boosters, the Jersey Shore is the place for you
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Radio Shack would like to thank you, its former customers, for providing it with all that juicy personal information that it could sell as part of its bankruptcy settlement
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7 money saving myths that actually cost you money. Difficulty: You only believed these myths were money-saving if you were an utter moron to begin with
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Cannes Film Festival announces new rules banning women from wearing flat shoes
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Might want to dial back the smug a bit, white collar workers. The robots are coming for your jobs next
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"I keep a double-barreled shotgun loaded with double-aught buckshot right beside the bed. I wouldn't shoot to kill, but I'd sure have burnt their hind-ends up. You'd have been interviewing me about my arrest"
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$100K settlement finally reached over deaths of two people who drowned in tank full of molasses. If only there were some kind of analogy for how slowly justice moves sometimes
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Today's Fark-ready headline: "West Texas country music festival Crude Fest leads to drunk man stabbed in butt"
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New bladeless wind turbine will vibrate birds to death
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Dude, where's my duck?
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Photoshop these art-hanging men
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There are close calls and then there's the "claiming your $1M lottery prize with a taped together ticket," close call
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"And now, kids, to teach you the value of life, I'll eat this hamster"
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"I shot an arrow into the air, it pulled out my tooth then fell somewhere"
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Resourceful Russians with cancer find ways to cut through the ponderous medical bureaucracy
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In the most compelling argument ever made for the widespread use of CCTV cameras, they let you watch 81-year-old women get run down by runaway tractor tires. Don't worry, she was fine, she's laughing with us right now. Probably
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Pretty sure one of the tasks of being president of the European Union is to know which countries are in the European Union
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High winds at one of the most dangerous airports in the world made for a scary weekend of rock and roll
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This government is full of BEES
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Domino's delivery guy robbed at swordpoint by bicycle-riding ninja hipsters
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Hey everyone body, let's all visit the World's longest and highest glass-bottomed Nope
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A hysterical man's take on the new Mad Max. "My scrotum killed itself"
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If aliens do exist, they're probably the size of bears. Or maybe they ARE bears. We don't really know
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You see us as you want to see us. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess, Danny Partridge, and a criminal. Well, six criminals
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The Duggars are trying to get pregnant, something new and different
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Nightmare fuel. You're welcome
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Free, no subscription required porn home delivery service started in Southington, CT
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The best pictures of a Tasmanian Sea Sparkle flash mob you'll see this week
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Good news, Kim Jong Un is a climate "believer"
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"Confusion over the appropriate punishment for smokers reportedly led to a fight that killed 12 ISIS members in February"
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New guide to help Brits survive in jail published: "Prison is much safer than your average provincial high street on a Friday night"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Caption this awkward conversation
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Photoshop this ground support
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San Francisco power failure caused by metallic balloon. At least it wasn't a plastic grocery bag
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On one Greek island, two villages celebrate a festival by shooting fireworks at each other. "The most risky thing is that the rockets are launched sideways and not up in the air"
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Behold the Rectum Opus
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All our lives we've been falsely told that when it comes to olive oil, don't cook it on high heat, you can judge it by its color, and she's really a C-cup
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How not to fark that chicken, how to rotisserie that chicken the extreme BBQ way
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NYPD commissioner considers granting amnesty to 1.2 million low-level offenders charged with minor crimes such as simple possession of marijuana, drinking in public, selling untaxed cigarettes
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Medical technology students suing college, claiming they were forced to practice procedure on each other. Come on already, what's a little transvaginal probe between classmates
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The FBI has ruled out a bullet shooting the windshield as a cause for the Philly Amtrak crash. Gay Muslim affirmative action hire still on the table
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Remember back when you were a teen you could throw rocks at your buddy's window in the middle of the night trying to wake him up and not have to worry he would shoot you?
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If you're an American, the idea of retiring in a Mexican beach community in a condo sounds like delightful. Until the Mexican government decides to seize the condo and there's nothing you can do about it
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Fifteen secrets of the Colorado State Capitol Building. The fact that Denver is the secret capital of the U.S. strangely absent
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If for some reason more than 30 bags of cocaine worth $175,000 accidentally fell from your boat into the Galveston Bay, good news: The Galveston police found it
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Texas legalizes certain medical marijuana. That will make your spurs spin
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Torture is always wrong. That includes water boarding your girlfriend's 4-year-old son
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Good news: State agency director wants to enforce the law. Bad news: He works for the State of Arizona and is fired by the governor for doing his job
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Coffee has definite health benefits. That 1000-calorie slushy mocha thing you're drinking? Not so much
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| Mon May 18, 2015 |
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"A former tank commander is taking his cats on a quest to visit every war memorial in Britain - on a mobility scooter" (pics)
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So many people are sleeping in garbage cans that companies that empty dumpsters are installing CCTVs on their trucks so they don't crush any more of them to death
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You have been pronouncing "Parmesan" wrong this whole time. Oops
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Don't be "that guy" in the neighborhood. No one likes "that guy"
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Fark NotNewsletter: Now with a dose of TotalFark Discussion
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Go home (with a warning) Air India pilot, you're drunk
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A handy guide to the price of pot in every state - for no particular reason, man
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New from Hasbro, it's My First Reproductive Organ. Grab one today
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What do you do when you're CPS and you discover 200 messages asking for help? Delete them and go on with your day, of course
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Legoland Hotel to open Friday in Winter Haven. Difficulty: You have to build your own room
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Study finds gay, bisexual teens more likely to get pregnant than straight peers. Wait, what?
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"There were these policemen with guns running around Saint Alfege's churchyard, everybody in their floaty clothes, and these officers looked like something out of Rambo. It was quite surreal. I said to the vicar, 'More tea, vicar?'"
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If you use Airbnb to rent out a room in your house and the couple who takes a 2-week reservation ends up staying long enough to establish residency and won't leave until you pay them $1000, you may be doing it wrong
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Whiskey vagina is real, ladies
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