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| Sun February 01, 2015 |
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Tag implodes
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Sex sells. Too much sex never gets a chance to sell, leaves you limp like a dishrag (Not safe for work)
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One in three kids today is a total bastard
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Woman misdials number, offers the man who answered lots of drugs. Unfortunately for her, the man who answered was a detective. How hard is it to dial 912?
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Self-styled Kansas 'seer' faces murder trial for death he predicted, but he apparently didn't see this coming
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Photoshop this guy lying down
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Old and busted: Putting as many people as possible in a VW Beetle. New hotness: Putting 4 dead deer and 4 passed out drunks in a Mini Cooper (Some graphic images in article)
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When artillery fire hits the building where forces have been monitoring the ceasefire between Ukraine and Russian forces/rebels, perhaps it is time to admit that there is no ceasefire
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Biggest bootstraps in the Motor City
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FAA declares a 30 mile radius "no drone zone" around Super Bowl. Didn't know those Radio Shack toys had that much range
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You know privatized prisons are a horrible idea when even Sheriff Joe Arpaio is concerned about the inmates in them. "I would be happy if no one came back to jail, but I don't think a private prison would be happy if no one came back"
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Grandfather who "hated" pigeons is killed by them
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Man charged in necrophilia case, is hoping for the death penalty
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Argument between a few horseback riders and a pickup truck driver ends with the pickup ramming one of the horses, killing it and injuring the rider
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Sending cops to the scene of a prescription pill theft before the theft isn't normal, but on prescription pills it is
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Woman sells her son for $7,000. What the hell, lady? That's half of the KBB value of that boy
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Ohio finds a unique way to encourage pregnant women to stop smoking: give them free diapers
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"There has been a fair bit of activity around these volcanoes and this sighting just adds to the mystery. There must be something about volcanoes that draws extra-terrestrials to them. Perhaps they are collecting samples to take back home" (pics)
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Man, who wants to keep you from watching grown women have sex, has sex with children. The Aristocrats
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With marijuana just about to become legal in Alaska, Anchorage police arrest a pot delivery driver for old time's sake
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Go celebrate your son's birthday somewhere else
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Here is the Civil War... in colorized photos
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Swastikas painted on Jewish fraternity house in: A.) Berlin, B.) Mississippi, or C.) UC Irvine?
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Photoshop this cold weather warrior
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Snakes in the car? No problem, pull over... it's like checking the oil
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Texas elementary school suspends 9-year-old/Hobbit who claimed to possess "the one ring to rule them all" for making "terroristic threats"
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"University of Nebraska Lincoln will not participate in Meatless Mondays. It's unnatural and, quite frankly, disgusting. Vegans would be less pretentious if they just ate a f*cking steak"
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This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat. What a hype. Groundhog Day used to mean something in this town. They used to pull the hog out, and they used to eat it. You're hypocrites, all of you
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During Obama's tenure, an ever-increasing number of people are living mortgage-free
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SNOWPOCALYPSE II has struck, paralyzing Chicago, canceling hundreds of flights at O'Hare and Midway. The Midwest is used to snow, but not like this. And New England? No one knows. It's your Official Snow Day Discussion Thread
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Oh, sure, send kids who've been molested off to a big ranch once owned by a famous guy who allegedly molested children. Just perfect. Call it 'Molestyland'
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WHAT IF: America had never invaded Afghanistan? No, it's not a Marvel Comics event
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"Circumcise" and "kitchen knife" should never be in the same headline, but then again, it is Florida
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For you cheap bastards who gave up cable for your neighbor's wifi and your dad's Netflix password, you can forget juggling pirate streaming sites this year - NBC is streaming the Superb Owl in HD for free
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Plane crash, ship wreck or natural disaster with scores of unidentifiable victims? Better call John, the Tooth Whisperer
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Man stops and wonders how severe the lightning is. Then it struck him
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School isolates student who shaved head for charity until his hair grows to a respectable length. Damn hippies
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You want a prediction about the weather, you're asking the wrong Phil. I'll give you a winter prediction: It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life
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Chemist who developed the birth control pill has died. He leaves behind two children, as early trials of the pill did not go all that well
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If you think you're a true vegan you also probably think there is no way your sugar could contain bone char from cows
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There is a little animal that scientists think might be able to live forever. No, not your grandmother's blind and vicious chihuahua
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Boston's second experiment with late night transit service is Boston's second expensive failure
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Where the hell is Slim Pickens when you need him for a mission to counter the Russians flying a nuke up the Channel?
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Mugging victim has £165k (and counting) pledged after beautician starts a Go Fund Me campaign for him. A random act of kindness and senseless beauty
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Photoshop these colorful canopies
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CSB Sunday Morning: Field Trips
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Pastor who claims Starbucks makes "semen lattes" admits he's been "tempted" by gay lifestyle. Well, it certainly seems to be on his mind often enough
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"You're not vaccinating your children? Well, it's been nice being your doctor." California pediatrician lays down the law over measles outbreak
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Old: Car jacking someone at 4am. Florida: Carjacking a police officer for their cruiser. (w/bonus mugshot of how well that turned out for him)
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Damien really doesn't want competition for that Antichrist role, does he?
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The Midwest and Northeast brace for SNOWMAGEDDON II: THE REVENGE as a winter storm approaches just in time for Groundhog Day. Will Bill Murray escape purgatory? Will we keep the internet? OH GOD AM I OUT OF COFFEE?
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It's that one week a year when Canadians stop doing chainsaw carpentry long enough to chainsaw ice sculptures (pics)
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Anti-stalking expert, 68, accused of stalking by his blonde colleague, 39 - and the victim is now using stalker's tools of smear and innuendo against him. Ironic doesn't know who to cheer for in this one
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Police conclude suspicious package is harmless after finding several tips
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Landmines kill 15,000 per year. Thanks a lot, Princess Diana
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Charles Manson is so desperate to conceive a devil child with his 26-year-old wife, he's devising a way to smuggle his sperm out of the prison
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They bring a snowball? You bring a gun. It's the New Rochelle way
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Webster's Dictionary defines "awkward" as this story
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Coming up at the top of the hour, it's the first Livingston Stapler Company Presents show of 2015. Two hours of live music from Juneau, Alaska hosted by a farker
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Raw sewage backed up and sat in puddles next to the Fan Zone at the Waste Management Phoenix Open. "Many of them walked through the dirty water, unaware of what was on the ground"
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| Sat January 31, 2015 |
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The psychology of pricing, or "Why $1.97 sounds like a must-have bargain compared to $2.00"
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I say, that chap appears to be drowning. Quick, let's blow some smoke up his ass, that always helps
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It's still illegal to be homeless and sleep on benches, even if you are The Messiah
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Then Jesus spake unto the leper, "Pre-existing condition, LOL"
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Somebody definitely isn't winning Miss Congeniality
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Family to coin guy: Hey, we've had this old nickel sitting in a closet for 40 years. Is it worth anything? Coin guy: I've had a $1million bounty on this for years. Family: We'll wait. Auction 10 year later: $3.25 million
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6 Down. No longer living ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜
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This Zamboni DWI was brought to you by the city of Fargo
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Pedestrians wanting to go downtown in one British city have to pass a breathalyser first
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Photoshop this cardboard derby racer
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Woman gives birth to twins after being told she had no womb for them
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Inside London's massive underground ghost hole that used to deliver mail, not the milkman to your mom
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Richard Dawkins has another trollin' idea. Except this one might just work
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Make 14 false fire reports in an 8 month period including 6 in one month? That's $13,500 restitution and five years probation
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Even the Super Bowl Planning Committee had to take 'active shooter preparedness" training from the Department of Homeland Security
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The starter locations of fast-food chains in Southern California: see the original Fatburger, Panda Express, McD's and In-N-Out, as well as the quarantined property of the first Taco Bell (seriously, it's fenced)
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If you live in Edison, New Jersey and wonder why it's taking the city so long to plow your roads, here's the reason
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News crew gets owned by Bill Cosby decoy
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"I seen him go and take out a proper hacksaw, like a wood saw... The blood shot up to the ceiling, up onto his glasses, all over the nurses...there was a burning pain, I knew I was going to die" (Article contains some graphic/disturbing content)
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If Subby could think up a brand name for this Megachurch pastors' elixir it would be called: Snake Oil
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Ohioans can be proud that the Buckeyes won the football playoff. And that they lead the nation in insurance claims for metal thefts
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When a hangover becomes permanent and turns out to be a brain HAEMORRHAGE, maybe it's time to pour another one
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In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue... to attack Muslims in Cuba
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Guy gets run over by an SUV, assaults assisting deputy, and tries to steal cruiser even after getting tased twice. And how was your night?
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"What did he say?" "He said the waitress is near"
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City reacts to high speed street racing crash by posting radar sign to flash "slow down" at street racers
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Man facing a lifelong ban from Britain's Parklife festival after bragging on Facebook he was going to sell all dozen of his tickets to the 2015 festival at triple the price
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Woman accused of stealing her stepmother's bag. Not everything can be a Cinderella story
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Police investigating the 9th death of an Appalachian State student this year. Officials advise everyone to remain calm, but call 9-1-1 immediately if any University of Michigan alumni are sighted in the area
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"Direct descendants of the Hatfields and McCoys are producing legal moonshine, the start of a new legacy for the families made famous for their 19th-century feud"
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The science of itching. This headline made you scratch
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Photoshop this furniture move
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"Do you know why I pulled you over?" "Not really, I'm a cop so please explain?" *TIRE SQUEAL*
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There was a time when Republicans believed in equal rights for women and defending the Republic against fascism
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Woman gets fifteen years in prison for manslaughter after she decided to drink and drive, crashing into a poolside cabana and killing a pregnant woman in 2012. The woman, now pregnant, thought she would gain sympathy
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How the avocado went from an essential part of Mexican cooking to America's favorite fruit. Well, it's more like a vegetable; it's all just semantics, right?
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Shut down eve......aw, crap
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Massive fire razes Russian library and archives in Moscow, burning tens of millions of irreplaceable documents. On the positive side, this will save Putin a LOT of time later
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Dogs save factory worker's life after he falls into coma. Submitter wants a job where there is so little supervision that he can fall into a coma without anyone noticing
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The most popular food on Super Bowl Sunday is: A) Chicken wings B) Pizza C) Vegetables
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The first time you visit Canada, brace yourself for milk in bags, moose alerts, and people who know the proper way to line up in public
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British police are threatening snowball throwers with ASBOs
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If you're going to take it upon yourself to be a border vigilante and march around the Arizona desert looking for illegals, make sure you don't pull a gun on an undercover sheriff deputy
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Looks like traffic was **puts on sunglasses** scrambled
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Park in a space you didn't personally shovel out? Fall River Man will shoot ya up (fall river man, fall river man)
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So, when did we stop "surfing"? Because nobody, and I mean nobody, still says they surf the internet
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Commando IS NOT AN OPTION
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Alabama trucker reminder: If you suddenly need to pull out a tooth while driving, please use a designated rest area
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Being poor is awfully expensive
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"The restaurant Guest Service Manager or Lovin' Lead will explain that McDonald's is doing something special that day, and the customer will be given the option to pay for his or her order with an act of Lovin' instead"
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Photoshop this amphibious assault
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Alaska newspaper: "Are Americans now so clueless they have to be told to put on warm clothes before going out the in the cold?"
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| (evesun.com) |
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Little Mews Rescue (a non profit, 501(c)3 no-kill rescue organization run by a couple of awesome farkers) has finally made the headlines, just time to hope they get some much needed help on Caturday
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♪♫ Anti-vaxxers gave their precious snowflake his goodbyes / And put him on the Wolverine up to Annandale / Now there's measles and the loonies are quite surprised / To find him in a quarantine for their science fail ♪♫
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Now THIS is how you sell a used 2001 Honda Civic on Craigslist
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Burglar breaks windows of liquor store to steal...Keystone? God, so many applicable tags
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I'm not saying there are aliens in a spacecraft circling around this asteroid but there are aliens in a spacecraft circling around this asteroid
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| Fri January 30, 2015 |
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Fark Quiz #404: Correct answers not found
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They call him Flipper, Flipper, slut of the sea (might be not safe for work)
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Call-blocking technology hailed by the FTC as the best available is banned from virtually every major telephone company. This is why we can't have nice things
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They bring a gun, you bring a gasoline hose. It's the Milwaukee way
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Jury awards woman 1.5 million dollars after she transforms from promising student to dominatrix after a car accident (SFW pics)
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Photoshop this prissy princess
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Have you ever wondered why your parents favor your aloof younger sibling? It's because you're not as funny, you uptight dick. Here's the science
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Three men find rabid raccoon and their first instinct is to pick it up and take a cellphone video
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Sisi runs home after fight with Brothers. Telling mom and airstrikes to follow
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Florida conservative radio producer claims the child porn he shared with undercover police was definitely someone else's and so were the 500 images on his computer
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Two people are creating a pre-school. For adults
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It's winter, so remember: Avoid hot showers
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Man reunited with stolen dog during search for new pet
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Cops probably won't be sympathetic if you call 911 to complain about the security guards harassing you for shoplifting
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If you're going to make your fiancée sign a prenup before you get married, it has to be in a language that she can read
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Photoshop this abandoned mall
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Are you depressed because you binge watch, or do you binge watch because you're depressed?
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What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a dachshund?
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"We're doing something called the 'Fark 2.0 initiative', which is us trying to snag more kids over the next five years"
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Prosecutors drop domestic violence charges against George Zimmerman after the victim recants. Well I say we all owe Mr. Zimmerman a big apology for even thinking he was capable of such a violent act
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Um, yeah, check out this lightning strike in the eye of a cyclone
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The Taliban are outraged, OUTRAGED, that the White House won't acknowledge them as being a terror group, so they kill three Americans. Presidential spokesperson blames Bush, saying "Bush labeled them as terrorists, this administration did not"
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Making immature decisions--like putting porn on iPads at the local Tesco--is no way to go through life, dad
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Health Department form for new parents requesting birth certificates asks if the "woman giving birth" is male or female
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Man is told he can't change his name to Superhero - but Ninja is OK (pic)
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Don't you just hate it when your pilot gets locked out of the cockpit halfway through your flight?
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Sorority woman: We're just living sex toys
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Here it is: The only tipping guide you'll ever need. And it's accurate; it has the mandatory 20% for waitstaff at restaurants
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Georgia has plenty of jobs. That Americans refuse to do. "We have 100 people who quit every week"
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Usually a police stop does not warrant much, but it is a whole different story when there is a dead guy in the backseat
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First White Castle in Las Vegas open to huge crowds. Kind of pointless saying 'This is why we can't have nice things' when it comes to Vegas
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Parking meters in Bloomington, Indiana don't work because they're clogged with crow shiat. Brandon Lee unavailable for comment
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South Africa frees de Kock
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Minnesota introduces bill to keep police body camera videos private because, you know, it could be embarrassing
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Telemarketer finally does something useful
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It's getting real in the south of England
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Hello mullah, hello fatwah, greetings from camp, intifada
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Pizza condoms create a dilemma for those who love pizza but hate wearing condoms
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"Jihadists are wankers who are obsessed with porn"
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NPR has just realized it's possible to get arrested for resisting arrest and have no other charges filed against you
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Salon claims victory over trolls by redefining trolls as "people they've already banned"
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Thing happens. Details to follow
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Ken Starr, the man who spent $30 million investigating Clinton's sex life, has a new job helping pedophile billionaires escape justice
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Jordan to ISIS: "Kill our pilot, we'll hang all your guys that we have in our prisons"
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Indian police baffled by "skeleton sacks." To be fair, most people don't understand fashion models
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Drinking wine while dangling 9,000 feet above the French Alps in a ski gondola that's been converted into micro-chalet sounds like a great idea. Until you realize your living quarters has no toilets
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop what's really happening here
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Bandits steal several gold nuggets during armed heist of Wells Fargo. This is not a repeat from 1852
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Dartmouth abolishes rum & the lash
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One of the last four Doolittle Raiders flies off into the rising sun
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Wile E. Coyote (Super Genius) inspires new way to diagnose concussions
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Police bust a man for hiding cocaine inside his prosthetic limb. Legal observers say he doesn't have a leg to stand on
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Poll shows that people in Pennsylvania favor things that see no good, hear no good, and do no good
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Since the F-35 has been such a resounding success, the DOD has now begun accepting ideas for its successor
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Baby goat beheaded; another goat taken. Wait, I can rent a goat?
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New York pizza snobbery is annoying and Chicago hot dog snobbery is just dumb, but when it comes to chili, everything is snobbier in Texas
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♫ The wheels on the bus go round and round, round an...*THUD*...The wheels on the bus go bye bye bye ♫
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Does the government really need to fund free pregnancy tests inside the women's bathroom at bars?
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Four middle school students facing charges for throwing a "sex party" for their friends
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Since so much attention is always given to people who go down Niagra Falls, let's give a little love for a man who just went up Niagra Falls
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New poll finds that most people aren't scientists
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It turns out all this time Shaggy was taking God's name in vain everytime he uttered, "Gadzooks" or "Zounds"
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Oregon State coed cited for filming Beaver video in school library, officials claim "It's not clear who got it up there"
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| Thu January 29, 2015 |
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You've failed your written driver's test 15 times. Do you A) give up, B) find yourself a tutor, or C) ask a friend to take it for you, who also fails it and is then arrested for impersonating you
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Canadian man misses winning $27 million on Canadian lottery by seven seconds. Lottery: "Sorry aboot that"
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Workman saves pal from electrocution by hitting him with a plank of wood. Way to go, stud
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Hi, remember when you where a student and made a few anonymous donations at the local sperm bank to get money for booze? Yeah, about that...dad
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Treasure hunter hunted to Florida
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Australia's two largest cities in the top ten "safest in the world." The rest of the country will try to kill you, though
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Well. Who wouldn't want to get drunk off of Oreos?
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Woman tries to feed bears, succeeds
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Bad: allowing unvaccinated children into public schools. Asinine: allowing unvaccinated patients into children's cancer wards
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"A man who shocked clubbers when he pulled down his trousers and defecated on a dancefloor has blamed 'a vindaloo curry and too many pints' for his behaviour"
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UC Davis hospital is treating a patient who may have Ebola. EVERYBODY PANIC, AGAIN
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Photoshop Challenge: Cut on the dotted line
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A Welsh Nazi. Because when you think of socio-ethnic superiority, you think of the Welsh
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FAA releases report of dumb sh*t people did with drones last year
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Next in the Department Of This Can't Go Wrong: Texas lawmakers bill would allow teachers to gun down students
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Terrorist lockdown at primary school canceled after police arrest garden gnome
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New Jersey went on pron binge during winter storm Juno
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"Life like" polar bear roaming London would be mistaken for real bear, except it hasn't actually maimed or killed anyone
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Guy who has been to Best Korea 140 times and is totally not an agent for their government would like you to know its a wonderful, happy place with religious freedoms and everything
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Baby too young to be vaccinated held in quarantine after outbreak of herd stupidity
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| (Some Food Nut) |
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Fark Food Thread: When you're putting together a fancy, romantic meal for a special someone, what do you do to really make it wow your audience? Have specific recipes or presentation suggestions so we don't all end up lonely? Show us how it's done
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The media are starting to realize people lie a lot on sex surveys with "shocking" findings that are blasted out as banner headlines and clickbait
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Photoshop this sledging slider
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Woman swallows several bags of marijuana at traffic stop, is freaking out, maaan
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Good: School schedules homophobic bullying workshop. Bad: School cancels homophobic bullying workshop. Fark: "Because both sides of argument should be represented"
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In their latest defiant stand on behalf of free speech, French police detain and interrogate an 8-year-old boy who is alleged to have said nice things about the Charlie Hebdo attackers
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I am proposal a funds reduce in high educate
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| (Some Guy) |
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From the "must have been skimming hauls" files - two arrested for trafficking pot when they called 911 to report that undercover cops were possibly following them
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Just when you were about to book that flight to Africa, too
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"A stowaway who was trying to get to London after sneaking onto an empty plane was discovered after taking selfies in the cockpit" (pics)
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Inventor of the origami condom -- which came in male, female, and anal versions -- being forced to pay back $2.4 million in NIH grants because -- big surprise here -- origami condoms don't actually "work"
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I don't know what the hell a Bieber is - but it just apologized for being such a Bieber for the last few years and promises to be less of a Bieber in the future. Let's not be Biebers and give it a chance - 'kay?
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Suitcase full of body parts found in San Francisco. Looks like someone left their heart there... And a spleen, a lung, a patella
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Cure for cancer found...by little girl...over dinner
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Do not taunt the red colobus monkeys. Oh wait, you're one of the world's most elusive cats and this is the first time man has recorded you? Carry on then, we'll just film from over here
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You're trying to kill a cockroach. Do you A) stomp it with your shoe, B) wrap it in tissue paper and crush it, C) set it on fire, D) throw it into a toilet containing cleaning chemicals, E) all of the above - resulting in a massive explosion
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So do you want to hear the tale, the tale of the jail that turns criminals into hardcore radicals?
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Pro tip: If your reaction to weed is to run naked down 12 Mile trying "to go where the sun is at," please don't try acid
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Dances With Nazis (Warning: article contains not safe for work/graphic images)
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I guess if you can crawl through the rubble of a collapsed store, then yoga pants might be what you need
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Army sergeant finds love with dwarf stripper, says they love reenacting the charge up San Juan Hill in the bedroom (Some possibly Not safe for work images in article)
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A look at workplace meetings, and whether they're really creating the synergy and out-of-the-box design thinking that right-sized teams can, moving forward, leverage into capacity-building, win-win success scenarios
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One truck carrying coal and another hauling beer collide with each other, now Subby will be cold and sober tonight
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Today's Fark pro-tip: Don't propose to your fiance on the edge of a cliff. Pro-tip Bonus: Don't jump for joy on the edge of a cliff
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40,000 people sign up for driver's privilege cards as undocumented drivers in Vermont. Surprisingly, at least 144 people in one city, didn't have a problem with that. The trouble is, was that city in VT or NY?
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Disabled Chinese woman is writing a book with her toes, has already been accused of plagiarism for not including footnotes
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FAA confirms plane crash was result of flight instructor's 'simulation' of an in-flight emergency
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Naked violinist sues after police arrest him for fiddling with himself
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This week on Downton Abbey: in which the Dowager Countess gets high as balls down in the servants' quarters
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The masking tape is mightier than the sovereign citizen
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Arkansas gun range that banned "Muslims" is suffering due to boycott. Just kidding, business has quadrupled. Obvious tag beats follow up this time
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Rather than waiting for the weather to warm up, Nebraska is going to use dynamite to break up an ice jam. What could possibly go wrong?
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Deaf viewers complain automated live subtitling software is telling them to mambo dogface to the banana patch
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"Negative Ghostrider, the Admiral's daughter is full"
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Sex den found where shameless humans first had sex with Neanderthals. You can probably hear the echos of the savage grunting that went on to this day
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Hunt for MH370 ends. CNN to go dark
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Meal at Denny's turns into huge, greasy, life-threatening mess
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Photoshop these tough guys you should never mess with
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Seattle Police Department apologizes for arresting 70-year-old black veteran for leaning on a golf club in public without carrying Starbucks coffee or hipster beard
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Dad releases balloons at son's grave every Christmas to spread word about his charity to save other children. Sniff. Farking hayfever
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If you keep telling everyone on social media you partied with Kate Upton in a hot tub while Slash serenaded you from a nearby gazebo as shooting stars soared overhead, you're going to damage your mental health
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Johnson & Johnson contractor arrested for spying on Johnson's Johnson
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Lawyer arrested for "resisting arrest" when she tells cop he doesn't need to take pics of her client
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You can't truly call yourself an American until you've tasted geoduck, reindeer hotdogs, and deep-fried Coca-Cola
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Good news stalkers. In Australia "It looks romantic in the movies" is a legitimate defense
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Jewish leader arrested while trying to escape from Auschwitz
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Injection that removes extra chins will soon be available in America, although the rest of your body will still be a pale, fat, doughy mess
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For those of you playing War on Terror Bingo,Taliban captures ISIS fighter released from Gitmo by Bush
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"Sorry, kids. No recess today. Drop your pants and bend over. It's poop inspection time"
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You're probably poorer than your parents were 30 years ago. But you've got a smartphone so it all evens out
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Woman invites her boyfriend to a birthday party for her daughter at Chuck E. Cheese but demands he bring his gun, because she wanted him to shoot her daughter's father. Showbiz Pizza never had these kinds of trashy problems
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Comcast: "Dear A$$hole, here's your bill"
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 508: "Round and Round We Go" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed January 28, 2015 |
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The first rule in tracking lions: No running. Second rule: JESUS CHRIST, GET IN THE CAR
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SCOTUS sentences three Oklahoma death-row inmates to a fate worse than death: They're still alive, and in Oklahoma
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While some places are still shoveling themselves out from a big snowstorm, this Russian town may have to wait 'til spring
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In order to really feel the power of meditation one must last 200 years in the same position
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Hostage that was kidnapped, had lower limbs cut off, and held prisoner as part of religious ritual, commits suicide to exact revenge in last desperate act of defiance
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If Farkistan had a candidate in the Miss Universe contest, what would her "national dress" costume look like? Link goes to examples
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Affter 199 years, American Bible Society leaving NYC for Philadelphia because employees find that the rent is too damn, er, too darn high
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Gwyneth Paltrow shares recipe for steamed clams
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Humboldt County, Calif. resident reports "rolling" motion during 5.7 earthquake
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Not to disagree with the fount of accuracy that is RT, but it's Jordan that offered an exchange with ISIS, not Japan
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For millennials, the new American dream is moving to Buffalo
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Farker's dog has cancer and will be crossing the rainbow bridge soon. Please Photoshop him so I can say goodbye with a smile
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Canada suitably apologetic after it is named "20th least miserable country in world"
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Police in Brazil raid a warehouse for stolen goods and find two American-made M-41 tanks
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550 diamonds, 10 feet of gold wire and it still won't play Stairway To Heaven by itself
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Zen monastery abbot steps down from post after admitting affair, will now devote himself to discovering the answer to "What is the sound of one hand fapping?"
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Iceland's McDonald's closed in 2009, and the last burger was donated to the National Museum. Now it's on display at a local hostel, where people marvel at its pristine state. "Some people have even stolen some of the fries"
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You just got in an accident. You're naked from the waist down. You are sitting on a bottle of booze. What could go wrong?
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When trying to pick-up an underage girl, using a pseudonym of a wealthy individual never fails. Like, oh I don't know, Scrooge McDuck
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Police dilemma: You have to pick up two offenders, one is a repeat sex offender, one is a 17-year-old girl. Which one do you handcuff?
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Amongst the medical devices found on the wreck of Blackbeard's ship is a "clyster pump," which was designed to squirt fluid up your arrrrrrse
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Texas woman stabbed repeatedly as she was running on a treadmill. The suspect just came up out of nowhere on his stationary bicycle
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Six dead in Christmas tree fire in 16,000 sq ft home. Don't let this happen to you
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Glad to see cops crack down on snow-shoveling kids, said no one ever
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Germany's right-wing protesters accidentally march against right-wing extremism
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How any woman can bag the man of her dreams in just 60 days. You just have to have sex on the first date, pay for dinner and call him afterwards. Maybe wait a few days on that last one
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To settle SEC allegations that it aided an abetted a customer's illegal "pump and dump" operation involving penny stocks, Oppenheimer Holdings will admit wrong doing and pay a fine of 20,000,000,000 cents
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Alabama judge says it's "tyranny" that the Federal government is trying to prevent them from having bigoted homophobic laws
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A dramatic reading of the Onion's "All shall perish in the tempest" article by Mayor Bill DeBlasio
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The Dutch artist who turned his dead cat Into a drone is keeping a badger In his freezer to build a submarine
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Battle between semi truck and wheelchair ends badly for the wheelchair
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On your way to the Super Bowl, but forgot to book a hotel? For $300/night, here is a pretty nice place, if you don't mind a few rules
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Do you live in Colorado? How are you going to spend your pot tax refund?
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Ban Ki-moon: "There are no kangaroos in Austria." You might want to rethink that one, Ban
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ISIS takes credit for attacking Libya's Corinthia Hotel, the JFK assassination, the Northeast Blizzard of 2015, and canceling Better Off Ted
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Mail-order shoplifting
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Bad Day: Hitting a bicyclist with your car. Farking Bad Day: Finding out it's one of the state's most recognizable personal injury lawyers
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"If you're in a situation where you've never found a female, then you should start to have sex with everything you encounter because it could be a female"
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One incident on a train with a sleeping pregnant lady, and suddenly you have a nickname that will stick with you forever
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Nigeria's Sharia police have detained 12 people accused of holding a gay wedding. They got there just before the ring hit the finger
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Mexican Attorney General: Tengo noventa y nueve sospechosos, y una mujer es una
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Father demands to know why his son's school was so eager to ban peanuts to protect children from getting sick but won't prevent children of anti-vaxxers from attending school to keep his son, recovering from leukemia, safe
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Cuban youths use piecemeal equipment and crude connections to put together a makeshift internet for 9,000 people. AOL immediately files suit, claiming theft of their business model
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Dear Prudence: My husband and I are finally parents, but we did not realize that our newborn would cry so much. In fact, as we go to bed every night and start to have sex, the kid starts crying and crying for attention. How can I get it to shut up?
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Police offer precinct lobbies as safe place to conduct Craigslist transactions, make the prostitution and robbery arrests much easier
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Photoshop this lady and her goodies
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Four new lucky cities to get Google Fiber, laugh at those who aren't so lucky
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ISIS & Japan agree on hostage swap, Japanese journalist to be freed 'within hours'
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Two more people from Arizona bring home an unwanted souvenir from Measlesland
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You're worthless and weak and letting your unborn fetus down if you stop exercising just because you're pregnant
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Missing hunter survives for days on just water, if only there was an activity he could have done to get food
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Size-22 lingerie model gets big contract. "I found out about plus-size modeling when I was 15"
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NYC Mayor de Blasio's blizzard warning press conference fell about as flat as the snow storm itself. But, on a brighter note, his ASL interpreter guy scored big for closing with 'Jazz Hands' and a killer Shakata
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Don't drink and drone, government employee guy (some sidebar images may be not safe for work)
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Mormon church accepts the fact that when you have that many kids at least one of them is going to be gay
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Bay Area woman cropdusts Dave & Busters, Walmart, and Costco with the measles, all in one day. Now that's dedication to one's craft
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You may have truly hit rock bottom the day police arrest you for stumbling around Walmart while wearing body armor and suffering from a two-day-old gunshot wound
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Gunman opens fire at council meeting in New Hope, shot and killed by troopers for being part of a rebel alliance and a traitor
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Mr. Incredible convicted of assaulting Batgirl. Is there no honor among superheroes?
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Dr. Atkins, who was right, and then wrong, and then right again, is now wrong
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| Tue January 27, 2015 |
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Smartphone app calculates your flight's odds of crashing. Your mileage may vary
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"Dead" cat is buried in owner's backyard, shows up five days later at neighbors' house, because hell, I wouldn't go back to those assholes either (Warning: Video contains graphic content)
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The new 'Leningrad Blockade Diet': 400 grams of bread and all the water you can drink
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Black licorice is disgusting. Also deadly
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Photoshop this lost herd
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Yeah, sorry we shut down an entire state with our Farked up forecast
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Pro tip: If you don't get your children vaccinated for measles, they're going to get measles
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Anti-gay pastor is an expert on the taste of semen and semen-flavored beverages, but he insists his knowledge is all second-hand
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Five East Bay people called 911 last night to see when Facebook would be back online
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"So I have 16 warrants right now. Lol they know where I'm at tho, so it must not be TOO bad"
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Guy to city: "I broke my ankle during the flood, due to a submerged broken drain." City: "Here's your money... oh wait... What's this video of you trying to pull a stupid stunt while the neighbors cheer you on? Oh snap" w/vid
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Now that the 1 percent has successfully programmed an entire niche of halfwits into believing that tiny houses, pop-up rentals, and micro-lots are cool, let's all take the next logical step: an entire house reduced to a cube
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Republicans are getting more and more certain that the only thing that can stop them from taking the White House in 2016 is Sarah Palin. "I frankly think that her time has passed"
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Photoshop these tourists
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I'm a shark, I'm a shaaaark, take my extreme closeup piiiiiiic, I'm a shark
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There once was a flood in Nantucket
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Chinese officials probed after eating salamander meat. Surprisingly, not a euphemism
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Fairfax County SWAT team raids poker game in private house being played by quiet, unarmed, non-drug-using professionals. "They could've sent a retired detective with a clipboard and gotten the same result"
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You can't wash DNA evidence out of a car with a fire extinguisher. Not that this guy didn't try
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Massive load of dead fish dumped at Ravenhill, which is totally not how it went in The Hobbit
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JetBlue flight turned around after officials learned of an "unspecified threat" against the plane. No word if the unspecified threat was the fact it was a JetBlue plane
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Dead cat returns home days after being buried by owners. Sometimes, dead is better (Graphic images in article)
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Q: How many lawmakers does it take to change a snowplow light? A: 77
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Super Bowl ads make you fat
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"Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail shall keep the postmen from their appointed rounds." Unless it's a lot of snow. In that case, your ValPack will be late
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"The Rent Is Too Damn High" guy is being evicted
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Yeti sighted in Boston
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Divorce happens for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes spouses grow apart. Sometimes they fall out of love. Sometimes they're possessed by a genie
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Sex theme park offering giant penis rides to open in Taiwan (pics)
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Neo-Nazis protest at radio station, quickly destroy their credibility by using Comic Sans
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Photoshop this teamwork
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And the kinkiest city in America is
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You might want to put down your shake weight and sit on a stack of ShamWow towels for this: Dr. Oz's magic diet pills don't seem to work
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