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| Sun October 05, 2014 |
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Owners and workers at a cafe are shocked, SHOCKED that people are outraged at them for using the joke "Oscar Pistorius was super keen to get a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend was dead against it" on their receipts
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"She was using some vulgar terms, so I kind of leaned out the window and said, 'You can't do that'. She proceeded to drive forward; that's when she hit me the first time, laughing hysterically,"
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Man doesn't understand why everyone is so disgusted at him for pooping on council office floor in protest at discrimination of dwarfs, wants everyone to know that he is indeed a little shiat
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"These 2 clowns are up to something": American Airlines tech to Logan Airport Police as 2 guys were surveilling their security checkpoint on May 11, 2001. 4 months later we'd all wish Logan Airport brass were just as curious as Mohammed Atta was
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What's worse than being stopped by a state trooper and getting a ticket? Getting stopped by a state trooper and being asked if you've accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior
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| (JCOnline.com) |
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Photoshop this sword runner
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Fifteen new laws that have taken effect this month in Fark's favorite state
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Taste of Africa Dallas? Too soon?
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Senior Taliban official denies being in Pakistan after failing to realize he had "location enabled" on his Twitter app
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Today is the 100th anniversary of the first air combat victory. It was by a Frenchman. Bonus: the cape
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Hipsters now embracing "Dumb Phones" in an attempt to resemble this headline's tag
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Not news: You give money to a panhandler every day. News: The 78-year-old woman claims to be a widow and can't afford food. Fark: Only to find out that her car is better than yours (with video)
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Your childhood continues to die: Swings removed from Washington school because "they're too dangerous"
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Photoshop what's missing from this horizon
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The authorities have misplaced someone who had contact with the Ebola patient in Texas. Prepare to panic in 3...2...
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Chicago clearly isn't going to worry about Ebola or even give it consideration, as twenty-two were shot this weekend and three were killed in the plague of constant weekend gun violence that would make even ISIS embarrassed
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That patient who was "cured" of Ebola in Omaha? Yeah, he's back in isolation in Massachusetts. So everybody...remain calm and try not to touch any bodily fluids that aren't your own
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For the third time this week, NYPD officer fatally shoots Knife-Wielding Man
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Don't you just hate pledge week? Pledge conference in Cairo next week seeks $4 billion to rebuild Gaza. "And with a gift of $100 million, you get the Best of Tareq Abboushi and your choice of a ten pound box of figs, or dates"
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A master's degreed Sea World biologist with no criminal record has been sent to prison for twenty years after firing a warning shot at a teen thug coming at his wife and daughters in his own house. Stand your ground, my ass
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Actual headline: "World porridge champion hails his spurtle." With pic of world porridge champion hailing his spurtle (SFW spurtle pics)
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College students break the record for world's largest pillow fight. It's not as hot as you'd expect, but definitely a lot of fun
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I'll see your $30 school lunch bill costing $800, and raise with a $115 photocopying bill costing $200,000
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The airline passenger at Newark turned out to be having symptoms that were not related to Ebola. Everybody dis-panic
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this castle in the woods
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Investigation finds that the only thing worse than prison food is hospital food. Ric Romero nods approvingly, orders takeout
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Doctor to patient: The x-ray shows an acupuncture needle in your stomach. When did you last have acupuncture? Patient: 40 years ago
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Alcohol damages sperm...Blah... blah... blah... WTF... Danish men must provide a sperm sample to be deemed fit to serve in the military?
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"Officials said the captain of the bubble, Reza Baluchi, was asking which way Bermuda was"
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Russian student seeks asylum in the U.S., so Soviet Union says no more exchange students, nyet, not yours
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Artist who who creates 'invisible art' turns out to be her own masterpiece
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If your Comcast security system does not activate, please have the intruders reset the system and remain at the residence until a technician arrives, usually between the hours of 9 and 5
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Bachelorette party goes off the rails after the bridesmaids attack a woman over how she held a hot dog
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Authorities quickly stop slow, inexorable giant snail invasion
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Coming up at the top of the hour it's Livingston Stapler Company Presents. 2 hours of amazing music hosted live by a farker
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Aeromexico rides a little lower
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| Sat October 04, 2014 |
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Getting in drunken bar fights and being beaten by the local cops is no way to go through life. ESPECIALLY, if you're a Highway Patrol officer
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New study finds that birds and bees may suffer long-term consequences due to pesticides, marriage
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Seventeen-year-old "Good child" arrested for raping 69 year old male jogger. "I know he didn't do it," his mother said. "He ain't a pedophile," another family member said
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Bird-eating frogs hop east through Montana, threatening the last free state: North Dakota
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When pulling off your daring heist of two PlayStation consoles from a Target that you broke into, you might want to have a better escape plan than just running into the woods behind the store
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Bad: You have a nasty car crash. Good: You manage to crawl out of the vehicle unharmed. Bad: Just to be run over by your own wife who rushed to the scene to help you
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Photoshop this diplomacy
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"My hope with the lawsuit, is to require basic fairness before the seizure of homeless property. The tent that was taken was my home. At the end of the day, all we ask for is a basic level of respect from the city"
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Turns out, there is still some decency among teenagers today after a high school voted a special needs student with cytomegalovirus--who suffered a stroke that caused severe brain damage--as Homecoming Queen
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Woman defrauds Victoria's Secret out of more than $53,000 by stealing and returning underwear for cash
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Cats and dogs living together ? Harrumph ( I didn't get a harrumph out of this guy ). Cats and dogs sharing blood to save lives ? OK
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It's all fun and games 'til a homemade rocket lands inside your house
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Woman who got stiffed when her father died digs up the body to search for his "real will," but only finds a pack of cigarettes in his hand. No word on whether she smoked them
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Former Haitian dictator "Baby Doc" Duvalier dies at 63; Abe Vigoda seen walking down the street whistling to himself, carrying a little doll and a pin
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Police Academy floor sucks. Citizens on patrol to find out why
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Charges dropped against lying, pot-smoking, illicit maker and seller of semiautomatic rifles, and well-known open-carry advocate (see I said advocate, not nut. Not nutty nut nutcake. Nosireebob, there'll never be a problem with this guy, oh no)
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Thieves confuse cops with zombies, throwing chainsaws at them from the getaway car. With dash-cam video goodness
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CDC officials have rushed to Newark Airport after a passenger 'showed symptoms of Ebola'
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600 lb woman's dream is to find a man to help her pile on more weight (not safe for lunch)
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What would you do if your cell phone began receiving texts from the future?
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Domino's Pizza is not only better-tasting than Pizza Hut, but it's also a better value. Though to be fair, it's not like either sells Chicago-style casserole
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Photoshop this romantic tranquility
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The Lost Plane News Network renews MH370 for another season
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Teenager accused of murdering someone in a drive-by shooting on a moped demands to be tried in juvenile court, since no self-respecting adult would be caught dead on one
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Marketing legalized marijuana in Colorado. First thing's first, "Cannabrand" has got to go, it's too corporate and makes us sound like a freelance dog food cannery. From here on out we are "The Doobie Sisters"
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ISIS got you down? / Ebola's on the way? / Well, turn that frown upside down / Because today is World Smile Day
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Today is National Taco Day, and here's a list of all the places giving out free food or cheap deals in celebration of the event. So go and get yourself a Mexican sandwich and join in on the celebration
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Anthony Bourdain labels the Bronx a hipster-free foodie paradise, insists he is not trying to troll hipsters by luring them into hellhole to be beaten and robbed
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Amazon employees demand to be paid overtime for standing in line after work. Let's see how this works out for them
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County Judge Clay Jenkins, the top elected official of Dallas County, visited the Ebola-quarantined family then drove them to an isolated 4 bedroom home donated by another citizen
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Ebola is in line to earn another stamp on her passport as Guinea miners sneak into Mali
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Archaeologists say the Acropolis in Greece is crumbling and could fall at any time. Just like the government
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Mr. Ebola goes to Washington
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Photoshop this questionable conduct
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The Son of the Lord is now reported to be beardless, repeat, the Son of the Lord is now believed to be beardless
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Heroin deaths on the rise thanks to overprescription of painkillers. But still, it's that devil's weed that's evil
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Timmy the cat, who has fangs like a vampire, really doesn't want to suck your blood this Caturday, he can wait until Halloween
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Final call for World Fark Party IV - Chicago, Illinois: October 4. Now with tacos
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Bouncing a $30 check for school lunches? That will be $800, please
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Doctor to expectant mom and husband: You might want to lay down for this news, you're having two, TWO sets of identical twins. Just a mere 1 in 70 million occurrence
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Mississippi woman accused of burglarizing cars at a high school claims she was looking for members of ISIS. Our country could use a few more patriots like her
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Check out this 1978 AMC Pacer restomod - the pace car of the apocalypse
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Remember the Alabama school that used a schoolgirl as bait to catch a rapist? Official court documents show the sting was even more disgusting than you originally thought
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| Fri October 03, 2014 |
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Rovio announces 130 jobs to be cut. In other news, it took 130 people to write "Angry Birds"--- sounds like a lot of green pigs at the trough
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It's Friday already? Must be time for the Fark Weird News Quiz, Deep Dish edition
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Marriott apologizes after being fined by FCC for blocking customer wifi so they would be forced to buy it from hotel. Just kidding...they claim they were "protecting" customers from "insidious cyber-attacks"
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Tired of Ebola stealing all of the headlines, ISIS beheads another hostage
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This week's possibly racist and probably soft-core S&M pics come courtesy of the girls of Zeta Tau Alpha at Texas Tech
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Monkey Jesus face appears in Japanese roll cake
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What happens in storage unit #4 at 1397 Myrtle Avenue, Brooklyn stays in storage unit #4 at 1397 Myrtle Avenue, Brooklyn. But it's streamed online via webcam while it happens
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Photoshop this chopper
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Hiker stumbles upon abandoned town inside Tennessee's Great Smoky Mountains National Park
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Things are about to get bulbous
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Florida teen was literally walking down Easy Street when he was literally hit by a truck. Literally
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Man who spent two days crawling out of a canyon after his car went off a cliff does the same thing the rest of us would do and heads for the nearest bar
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Eight things your pastor won't tell you about the Bible. Conspicuously absent: how the hell Noah lived longer than Yoda
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Fire causes extensive damage to administrative buildings at Flight 93 National Memorial site
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Woman named Isis wants media to stop using ISIS. Family friend Al Qaeda seen nodding in agreement
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Backpacker horrified when he realizes his foot is alive and home to a Chigoe flea and her hundreds of eggs after she burrows out to say hello (Warning: Graphic content)
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Pro tip: When you're thinking out loud about putting soldiers in schools, and you know people might be creeped out by it, don't say, "We can always just brainwash them"
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In 2003, half the mercury in U.S. waste water came from your dentist, which caries significant repercussions
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Pro Tip: When your husband spends so much time in the bathroom that you need to buy him a cushioned toilet seat to prevent a backache, he's not "reading and doing his work"
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Laugh if you will, but okra is a gateway veggie
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The Texas hospital who sent home an Ebola patient has a history of being terrible
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Canada to ISIS. We're not your buddy guy
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This whole neighborhood went downhill as soon as they started letting "Internet people" go on dates out-of-doors
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I guess we haven't learned our lesson about sending things from Texas to D.C
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Photoshop this shapely model
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If you are going to fake a celebrity endorsement, you can probably do a bit better than the guy who played Carlton on Fresh Prince
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Getting a cat could have saved this guy two years behind bars
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Remember when Chirstianity was all about compassion and helping those less fortunate? This megachurch pastor masquerading as a homeless person to raise money and awareness does
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Scouts are taught to "be prepared," even for a door-to-door fundraising encounter with a man who "told officers he always answers the door with a sword"
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Can't get a bank to refinance your mortgage? Neither can the chairman of the Federal Reserve
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Book editor: No, I don't want to read your self-published book
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CDC chief, "We can't shut the border." Well, duh. This isn't Madagascar
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US Airways flght delayed due to crabs
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Who was that masked man? Let's rewind the CCTV to where he put his mask on and find out
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Not only has Kim Jong-un lost control of his waistline, he has also now lost control of his country, ex-official says
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Knott's Berry Farm restaurant assures its patrons that the almonds in their salads do not have legs
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High school student cleared of wrongdoing after killing fellow student with single punch. With great power, comes great responsibility
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After contentious school board meeting, Jefferson Co., Colorado, decides that it's ok to teach about "civil disorder" - you know, like the kind that led to the founding of the United States of America
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NASA demonstrates new device on Mars to prevent rovers from running into each other. Of course they will be yielding to pedestrians
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Apple hopes to make iPhones less attractive to thieves. You can now check the S/N of an iPhone and see if it is still locked to a previous user
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If you're into creepy abandoned resort towns that were once thriving until flood waters swallowed them up for decades, you should check out the ruins of Villa Epecuen
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Here are some things you might not have known about Charlie Brown. Whether or not he is a clown is still, sadly, unknown
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Once again it's proven that if you want to drive up tourism in your area just erect a giant statue honoring the region's god of choice
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Oh I don't know, what if Jesus Christ didn't exist? Would we serve pasta on Xmas? Maybe drain it in a colander?
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Did an ancient tomb prompt Istanbul to join the fight against ISIS? That's nobody's business but the Turks'
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Woman sues hospital for mutilating her son's genitals during a circumcision. Wait, I thought that was the whole point
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As Jeff Foxworthy once said, "If you exhibit glib and superficial charm, have a grandiose sense of self-worth and engage in pathological lying, you might be a psychopath"
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Road crew battles persistent beaver, will continue trying to snatch it up and put it in a box
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Pricipal. Caught sayof erotic horror films. Inappropriate? BOE says yes
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An Australian wonders why Americans are so damned happy all the time. Surprisingly, "Because our ecosystem doesn't consist of nothing but deadly murderous insects, snakes and sea creatures" is not the answer
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Workers move 30-ton anchor from inactivated USS Enterprise to USS Abraham Lincoln. Still working on getting Spock out of the reactor (video)
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A collection of maps showing how long it would take to travel from New York City to various westward destinations in the 1800s
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Oklahoma man charged with statutory rape after tattoo on penis IDs him, now regrets taking the money from Tiny's Delicatessen for ad space
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It would help if the people the CDC quarantined for Ebola would STAY THE FARK AT HOME
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There's a right way and a wrong way to return home from Liberia. We've seen in Dallas the wrong way. This guy in Arizona is doing it the right way
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Photoshop challenge: make this tranquil scene threatening
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ALL FARKERS INVITED Friday, 10/3, TRiP Santa Monica (2101 Lincoln Blvd.) @ 8 PM
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Hong Kong's leader's daughter banned from Facebook after posting: "This is actually a beautiful necklace bought at Lane Crawford, yes - funded by all you HK taxpayers"
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Fark Around The World: EuroFark 2014 - Oct 3-5 - Prague, Czech Republic
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The Great Socialist State of California is moving towards requiring all new housing and parking lots have wiring and electrical systems that can handle EV charging
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If you're a 75 year old man, the woman you met on a dating website and married a few weeks later is probably not the real Alison Krauss. With 'guess which one is the real Alison' mugshot
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If you watched NBC News tonight and thought "Why the hell is Dr. Nancy Snyderman in the Liberian village where that guy caught ebola?", you weren't paranoid, because her cameraman just tested positive for ebola
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| Thu October 02, 2014 |
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And then he says to me, he says,"Gobble. Gobble, gobble." And I says to him, I says, "You can't talk to me that way." Being 70 years of age, I whip out my crossbow
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You might think there's a vas deferens between living with testicular cancer and making a spectacle of yourself, but you'd be wrong
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JPMorgan Chase: more than 76 million accounts compromised in cyberattack. $200 "losing your money to hackers" fee to appear on your next statement
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The amenities on board this 196ft mega yacht are a little over the top .... or in layman's terms, WAY over the top
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Know a boring person? Take a peek inside the Dull Men's Club. *yawn*
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Memory loss associated with Alzheimer's reversed for first time
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I know you're about to be sentenced for assault, resisting an officer and a few other felonies.. but how about you go stretch your legs for a bit, first?
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This just in: "Poots gay blood case back with judge"
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Forty year income inequality study proves one thing: If you're making less than $100k now, by the time you retire, you'll be living under a bridge, subsisting on a diet of Dollar Tree canned cat food, and stale crackers
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Photoshop this deserved dousing
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Memory loss associated with Alzheimer's reversed for first time
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Police officer wins $500,000 plus indefinite paid vacation for using parking ticket to get revenge on friend's estranged husband
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Memory loss associated with Alzheimer's reversed for first time
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CDC: Do not panic over the Ebola patient in Texas. We are confident that he only made contact with 5 or 6 people. Once we've located those 18 exposed people, we will isolate them and make sure that none of the 100 exposed people constitute a threat
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Having a rough day at work? Look on the bright side, at least you don't have to pray to the devil to protect you from the man-eating mountain at your job site
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A Japanese zoo have been trying to get two hyenas to mate for years, only to recently discover both are males
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"Hey baby, you want some fries to go with that shake?" "No thanks, I'm making my own in my vagina"
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Want to rake in the candy this Halloween? Visit the local senior citizen's community
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There are not enough flowers and foot rubs in the world to make up for the fact that you left your wife passed out in the bathroom of a bar after she vomited all over herself
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Secret Service wanted to be more like 'Disney World' by being more inclusive, friendlier, and making potential presidential assassins wait hours in line
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Five swimmers rescued after a dolphin repeatedly circled them and then charged them on porpoise
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Man charged with molestation of a vending machine
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Fark Food Thread: Slice it, dice it, stuff it, shred it, leaf it alone. Whatever it is you do.. your tasty cabbage recipes. Show them to us
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Why did the rooster cross the road (and hitch a 112-mile ride)? Sometimes you just need to get away from the coup
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Anti-racist Banksy graffiti erased due to complaints of racism
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Recently convicted dog rapist back in jail for sexually assaulting a (human) friend while she slept
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What? You mean, if you give money to the Church of Scientology, they may not give it back?
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Photoshop this polar bear storming the barricdes
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Another tiny vestige of your childhood has died: Saturday morning cartoons are no more
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Charles Manson: The Musical
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Unemployment is more damaging to society than modest inflation, finds new study from University of No Freakin Duh
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Liberia wants to prosecute man who brought Ebola to the United States
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Basically, the problem with Common Core is the total lack of Common Sense
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One-armed woman not disabled enough for disabled parking
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Best Korea is best at Dig Dug
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Let's gather round to read Tim LaHaye's ridiculous guides to sex, family, and how to hate gay people
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According to a new study, teens are less likely to get an abortion if they aren't pregnant
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Meanwhile in Canada, the latest policing scandal to bedevil the Federal government: keeping traditional fur hats or going animal-friendly with fake fur
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Psst. Wanna buy a Ren-Fair?
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Girl kidnapped by her mother 12 years ago found safe in Mexico. Private investigator that found her is Farker's brother
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US Ebola patient was vomiting wildly as he was carried onto ambulance. *cue Octopus nope pic*
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Man who was shot 5 times by police charged with murder because one of the 9 total shots fired killed an innocent bystander
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Study shows the power of social media for terror propaganda. Which is pretty easy to understand, after getting all those links and stories from your crazy Uncle Joe and Gramma Mary Ann, bless their hearts
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Medical researchers believe they may have figured out why a respiratory infection could cause an asthma attack, which apparently was considered a mystery
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It just doesn't make sense without the T
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Man thanks his local force after police help recover a stolen Darth Vader costume
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Not News: Small town police department receives surplus military equipment. Fark: Bayonets
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New Mexico hopes singing road will curb speeding, won't cause mentally ill people to snap when they hear voices and don't know where they're coming from
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U.S. Navy shipyard stops 300 workers from working on nuclear-powered ships after learning their credentials were signed by Admiral H.J. Simpson
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"Dear Prudence: I used to be really, really fat. But then I had gastric bypass surgery and shed that other person's skin like I was a python. Anywho, I met this guy, we're doing well, but I feel ashamed to tell him I was fat. What should I do?"
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The US government isn't dismantling its old nuclear warheads in case asteroids threaten Earth, and they don't want to miss a thing
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Good News: The current head of the Secret Service is stepping down after several fiascoes. BAD News (for all of us): The new head of the Secret Service is from Comcast's Cyber Security Department
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It sucks when the doctor helping you on your journey as you beat cancer gets put away in prison for ten years
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U.S. nears solution for safe disposal of Ebola waste, auctions idea to Hollywood. Zombies aren't dead yet
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Best Korea finishes a major overhaul of its rocket launch site, with all new rubber bands and pipe cleaners
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Norway is the best country in the world to grow cold in. Uh, old in
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The grand jury investigating whether the police shooting of Michael Brown was justified is now itself being investigated, raising the level of insanity around this case to DERPCON 5
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Photoshop this deer in the mist
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Two female teachers charged with felonies after having a three-way with a 16 year-old. Authorities were quick to investigate the crime, having learned of it almost immediately because the 16 year-old kept bragging about it to his friends
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Ebolaloha
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Good morning and welcome to this Air Canada flight to Las Vegas. I'll be your faptain
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A 16-year old boy is stopped by cop and accused of robbing someone. When cops find no evidence, the "victim" changes his story and says the crime actually happened 2 weeks ago. Cops arrest the boy and he spends 3 YEARS in jail awaiting trial
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NYC opens MTA headquarters time capsule from 1950 in Brooklyn, finds chunky tomato soup
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"A man in a wheelchair was arrested Tuesday at a Golden Gate Kmart after asking another customer to wheel him to the exit with a stolen flat screen TV on his lap, Florida authorities say" (mugshot)
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And the most ticketed car in America is the ____________
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This Farker is trying to expand his music collection. What songs should everyone have on their computer/phone/iPod?
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No need to panic at all, but if you've flown United Airlines very recently between Washington Dulles and Dallas they'd like to talk to you
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Hundreds of police departments have quietly been trying to return tanks, MRAPs, and other surplus weaponry. Pentagon: Read the fine print boys, no returns
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Crime statistics show that kids in Britain are racking up their first drunk-driving charges around the time of their 12th birthday. They grow up so fast these days
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 491: "Can't See the Forest for the Trees". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed October 01, 2014 |
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How do you make a swaying walkway suspended 600 feet above the ground even more fun? Add a see-through glass floor
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Jury decides you cannot stand your ground against an unarmed teenager who was playing his music too loud for your tastes
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7-Eleven wants its customers to make healthier choices. Yes, the same company that decided to deep-fry nacho cheese Doritos and stuff them with congealed cheese sauce wants people to be healthier
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German police suspect Nazis of Reichstag attack. This is not a repeat from 1933
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Are you heading to the World Fark Party IV in Chicago? Well here are 26 things you will never be able to explain to a Chicagoan, well besides Kanye
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Hey Mr/Mrs Gullible, here are 11 signs your partner is taking you for a fool and lying to you
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Japanese Bullet Train turns 50. America celebrates by spending another $30 billion in feasibility studies to gain initial insight into possibly spending more money to determine if it's worth spending even more money to do more feasibility studies
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Three children were told to "Go away," by a mysterious voice when they went to open the door to a backyard tree house. The Keebler Elves can be real dicks when they want to be
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Photoshop this Russian military magazine cover
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You can't track periods in Apple's health app. No word on colons, either
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"He's a very good dog. He'll be a very good mayor"
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St Louis, Mo announces it will forgive all outstanding arrest warrants for people charged with non-violent, municipal offenses- all 220,000 of them. St Louis, by the way, only has a population of 318,416 people
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Shot police dog receives Purple Heart, would have preferred steak
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A true visionary constantly hones and crafts his art. Especially that crazy dude dancing with that sign on the side of the road
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Health officials say Dallas Ebola patient came into contact with 12 to 18 people as he started to show symptoms. (w/ cool commemorative wall calendar)
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Hot sexy bare bellies and sweaty hairy chests, this NYC Cabby pinup calendar for 2015 has them
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Embroidery is a quaint art that celebrates our pastoral creativity. Just kidding, it's all nipples and asses now. (Not safe for work photos)
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Photoshop this soldier in a shockwave
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Revenge is a dish best... oh wait. Ramen is a dish best served cold
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Parents give paintbrush to child who ends up painting like Monet
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Where your "hot coffee" insurance fraud story always falls apart
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Parenting in the age of iOnion on your belt
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Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape the golf club-wielding maniac
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Forget Ebola, something far more worrying is infecting pilgrims in Mecca - Hajj selfie fever
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When the cops have raided your massage parlor for the eighth time since 2002, there's just not going to be a happy ending
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Chicago Fark Party - Official Agenda (re-posted for the folks who missed the one last night)
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12 injured in knife attack outside KFC. Officials investigating how many herbs and spices suspect had ingested
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Viagra can make you go blind, according to scientists, but it does stop you rolling out of bed
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After more than 70 years, Tom and Jerry cartoons will now carry warnings telling viewers some of it might be a little racist
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Hey mon. Didya 'ear that Jamaica is goin' to legalize it? Yeah mon
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Vegan, gluten-free gluten. We've hit peak hipster
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You invite a man into your home and then get a recorded message from the police about a dangerous fugitive in the area. What do you do?
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Man pans for gold for 18 months to make fiancee's wedding ring, hopes that he's the only gold digger in the family
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Terrible slide show shows why you had terrible, horrible parents. For those of you lucky enough to have had parents
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While the rank-and-file of Best Korea starve, Glorious Leader Kim Jong-un 'so fat he has fractured his ankles'
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Boston Herald: "Should we not have run that Obama / watermelon cartoon? Was that wrong?"
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The Diaper Sniper is about to collide with Bow Season. Let's see if anything interesting happens
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Where is the last place you would want displays which are susceptible to interference from Wi-Fi frequencies, transmissions from mobile phones, weather radar, and mobile satellite communications?
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What perfect jokes do you have planned for highly unlikely situations? For example, if I'm ever in posession of a severed head in a box, I'm gonna say 'mekka lekka hai mekka hiney ho' about a hundred times
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Thief was smart enough to reposition security cameras so they didn't catch his face. However, he just happened to redirect the cameras at a huge mirror he was standing near
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German city offers homeless people free beer and cigarettes to clean the streets. No word on whether nice, brown uniforms will be issued at any point
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It's time for the annual 'Stores will make employees work all day on Thanksgiving because our society is going down the toilet' discussion
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Austrian pilot becomes the first person to fly a hot air balloon ... underground
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Maximum trolling: Hong Kong district councillor unfurls yellow umbrella in support of Hong Kong democracy -- right in the middle of China's National Day celebrations. Hero tag kowtows before his greatness
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Ten things you should know about Ebola, including don't have sex with any chimpanzees, gorillas, bats, monkeys, forest antelope and/or porcupines
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Radio talk show host says legalizing marijuana will bring down our democracy, but you should hear how playful he gets when you bring up the topic of liquor. "Whatever you are pouring"
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A pod of 50 whales in the Gulf of Mexico might turn out to be a new and endangered species. Japan and Iceland spotted polishing their harpoons
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Chinese officials body search 10,000 pigeons before National Day ceremony after one was heard saying "Coup, Coup"
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Photoshop what these kids are really watching
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Historian finds no mention of Jesus Christ in 126 historical texts, concludes Jesus was a purely fictional character, like leprechauns or Eskimos
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In today's most British rescue ever, two walkers winched to safety in Dumfries after one clinged to a shepherd's crook
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Russia is running out of forest. RUN FORREST RUN
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Things to expect when running a grow op from your house: 1. High humidity. 2. Home invasions. 3. Police finding your grow op when you call them regarding a home invasion
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Utah man unwittingly fails lye detector test
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Cool: Police officer saves toddler's life. Fark: While driving to the hospital, one hand on the wheel and the other doing two-finger compressions on the kid in the back. Ta-da, indeed
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Feds release a searchable database that shows how much your doctors get paid by drug companies to push their meds. No, your weed dealer is not in there
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Could you and your significant other commit to having sex every day, for 30 days? Well, that's the challenge taken by 40,000 Australian couples
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Van Der Sloot: convicted murderer, alleged extortionist, suspected rapist, accomplice to fatherhood
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Since no one asked where the walruses have gone, here are 35,000 of them. On one beach in Alaska
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California mayor, married almost 30 years to his high school sweetheart, receives early anniversary gift of lead
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California becomes first state to ban plastic bags. "Real Housewives of Orange County" braces for cancellation
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Employers need to allow employees to start taking a pre-vacation before their vacations. Because we are just that overworked
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Firefighters free very relieved pothead
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Police task force chase down stolen van full of donuts, seize contents as evidence
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Russia signals it is playing hardball in Ukraine, seizes eight kilometers of sausage casing at border in move clearly linked to separatist military activity there
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Face to face with patients in the Ebola ward. Well, not really. I mean, how stupid do you think we ARE?
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Student banned from wearing Trojan condom costume claims he was only ribbing the girls
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"If you find yourself obsessing over the nuances of the bent iPhone 6 the same way conspiracy theorists obsess over grassy knolls and moon landings, please take a break from the Internet. This sort of thing could be very bad for your mental health"
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Because Drew is a little busy today, we're going to have science explain why guys get wasted together
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When responding to the report of a suicidal person, most cops will be compassionate and try to talk the person out of it. Then there's the Pierce County Sheriff's Department, which fires at them. Fark: and misses
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Stark naked woman causes crash in Starke
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Photoshop this free-falling guy
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Teen can't have a cat, so she settles for a nine-pound hairball instead
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When you get hauled in after your fourth DWI, it's best not to flash the cops and remind them, "This is the best you'll ever have"
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Gather 'round children and have a shot at this one. What did North Carolina and Kentucky have in common today?
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Showing the fundamental flaw in homeschooling, clown-car spawn Jessa Duggar blames the Holocaust on the theory of evolution and the fossil record "proves" the Great Flood- and she knows, because she went to the Creation Museum and learned about it
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Now federal agents are saying if marijuana is legalized, growing the crops will use up so much water they will threaten the endangered salmon
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Old and busted: Debbie. New hotness: Ebola
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Herd of deer that photobombs couple's wedding pictures will probably be the most en-deer-ing thing you'll see all day
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A study/map of dreams reveals which states dream about sex the most and which dream about choking lions or South Dakota beauty queens
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Baby elephant will never forget the park rangers who risked their lives to save him from drowning in South African river
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You can park on a driveway, and drive on a parkway. Apparently, you can also drive on a fairway if you steal an ambulance
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Secret Service: Oh, we forgot to mention that the agent who tackled that knife-wielding White House intruder was actually off-duty and only happened to be there by sheer chance? Sorry, our bad
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Virus expert warns Ebola could spread beyond West Africa, plans to release a solution on the second Tuesday of next month
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NFL players' union exec sees problems placing a team in Europe. Apparently they can't find a country that has lenient enough laws concerning domestic violence
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The problem with Mini-Pigs? They don't stay "mini." Unlike the brains of the people who buy them
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Oklahoma beheader charged with murder and assault. It's a terrible story "any way you slice it," as a CNN anchor repeatedly said during his report
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102-year-old twins' recommendation for longevity: behave, don't smoke, stay out of beer joints. Why you would want to spend 102 years doing that I don't know
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Stoptober can help you to give up cigarettes, while simultaneously taking up mood swings, extended periods of shouting and bouts of irrational violence, scientists say
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Photoshop this bewitching subject
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According to researchers at Swiss University, their "giant's penis" blossom has grown to its biggest size yet. Maybe, with a stroke of luck or two, next year it will be even bigger
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Suriname and Iceland to host gender equality conference for men only
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Romero institute reports that interesting lies get more attention than the boring but otherwise factual rebuttals
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Hey man, I'm not one to judge, but you do know you're driving around with a live coyote in your bumper?
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Dude, the only way to recover from this one is to compose a country/western song about it
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You're telling me we are trusting the expert judgment of JFK airport staffers to make sure Ebola doesn't come to the US?
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When you show off the bucket on your electric truck, it's best if you steer clear of power lines
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Reporter reporting on missing boy finds him in neighbor's yard. That's some fine reporting work there, lou
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America's booming nuclear weapons facility sits next to a seismic fault line. And isn't built to withstand earthquakes
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Missouri man apparently dies after being infected with rabies. Poke him with a stick to be sure
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Tanker truck tries to cross wooden bridge built in 1878. You can kinda see what might happen here?
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In today's turd polishing section, CNN claims Common Core is a good idea gone bad
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Business Insider columnist checks out the rumors about Bendgate by walking into an Apple store and trying to ruin a display phone. In related news, Apple employees told to watch out for customers entering the store carrying microwave ovens
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July 29, 2014: Police say a neighbour complained that Purcell had been walking up and down the street for two hours in the afternoon with a can of beer in her hand shouting and swearing saying 'I'm a bad neighbour so who cares?'" (pic)
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Man makes an online pledge to eat Olive Garden's "Never-Ending" pasta every day. No word if Olive Garden will cover the medical expenses or funeral
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This guy was arrested for touching himself and yelling vulgar comments at a woman, and he has some resemblance to Ben Affleck as well
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Falcon undergoes cataract surgery, now will be able to see the balls that Matt Ryan throws at him
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The world's top peer-reviewed medical journal has declared fluoride a neurotoxin with properties that turn people into Communists and homosexuals or even homosexual Communists
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A bar named Rizzo's Margaritaville involved in a shooting, injuring a woman and hitting a tattoo parlor, has had cops respond 90 times since 2012, and for some silly reason this one councilman wants to shut it down
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Professor thinks ISIS would behead fewer people if everyone drove a Prius
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The Air Force is going to bomb Fort Benning
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Woman awakes to crappy day after airplane overhead covers her house and car in human feces
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New York National Guard told not to hand out any T-shirts while on recruiting visit to high school because school policy forbids students from wearing any article of clothing with guns on it. Like a New York National Guard T-shirt (pic)
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The day the Earth farted
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George Zimmerman's family hoped to capitalize on the exonerated trigger-happy murderer's infamy by getting a reality television show, saying they "got the idea from the Kardashians." Fortunately, Hollywood refused
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The new Krispy Kreme Ghostbusters 30th anniversary donuts have finally arrived, and here's a review of what they taste like. (hint: not spores, molds, & fungus)
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Anti-vaxxers are utilizing social media to spread their self-destructive habits like a virus
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DC government upset that people are obeying the law
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"Dear Prudence: My boyfriend insists I always flash my breasts at passing truck drivers; he says it makes him and the truck drivers feel special, but I think it might be wrong and demeaning. Can you give me some totally real advice?"
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There are five ways to kill a houseplant, and you're probably guilty of them all
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Less than twenty-four hours after Tony Romo somehow took the Cowboys 3-0 by defeating the New Orleans Saints, a patient in a Dallas hospital has begun showing symptoms of Ebola. This is not a coincidence
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"I had a very big problem with why God used my vehicle to take that woman's life"
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Supreme Court may eventually have to make a decision about seamen. Clarence Thomas wary of a trap
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What's stupider - calling the police because your neighbor has hoisted a flag with an 'Arabic emblem', or failing to spot it's actually an EU flag?
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Here's a handy rundown of the 10 most insane conspiracy theories: "As silly as they sound, there's something to be said for learning about conspiracy theories. They offer new and unexpected ways of looking at events, even if you don't believe them"
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Giant Mako shark takes an arrow to the spine to become a new world record off California
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Woman dies doing what she loved, dog-paddling in a huge vat of wine
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Remember the kid who wanted a cat and lasers in his yearbook photo? His Principal agreed... But only if she and her rescue dog could appear in the photo
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Nothing says autumn is here quite like the first Baby Jumping Festival of the season where ordinary adults dress up like devils and threaten people with whips before jumping over babies in the street
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It's been 50 years since the Warren Report on the assassination of JFK was released and it's still seen as the best work of group fiction since the King James Bible
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