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| Sun September 07, 2014 |
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Crazy: Jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. Really crazy: Jumping out of a perfectly good airplane into a wilderness of flaming bears and hungry trees
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"At first, we thought our wedding cake had broken in two when it was being brought to the reception. But then we realised one of the two pieces was missing and the other was covered in claw marks and dog hair" (pics)
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Photoshop this bonding moment
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Headline: "Naked man goes on violent rampage at Oregon hemp fest", with "Yup, that's about right" mugshot
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Leaving a box of donated clocks inside a government building may have unintended consequences
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At least the earthquake ended the drought
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A woman was so determined to not stop an underage alcohol party that she slipped an IV to a 14 year-old girl suffering alcohol poisoning
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Man had a backyard envied by his neighbors; full of statues, furniture, and plants, it was the highlight of the neighborhood. And then his neighbors started to realize their own objects were missing
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Photoshop these men in chairs
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Here is the dustiest story you will read all day, an Eagle Scout died while playing football and his friends finish his project that would have gotten him his Eagle badge
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France selling the Mona Lisa? Victor Lustig sold the Eiffel Tower. I have a bridge in Brooklyn
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And in South Africa, the score is Hippo 8, Motorists 1
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The most expensive home publicly listed for sale in the United States hasn't even been finished yet but can be yours for a mere $139 million
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Warehouse where medical marijuana is legally grown catches on fire. Every fire department from a 100-mile radius volunteers to help battle the smoke
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UK to Scotland: Oh, yeah. If you want independence then we will make a massive border fence, armed border guards, strict immigration controls and border checkpoints. because we are a bunch of two year olds
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After four days on the loose in Southern California, deadly albino cobra now captured. David Coverdale says he hadn't seen so many people interested in a white snake since 1987
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National Guard to cut back on drills for a bit as they brace for a cash shortage
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Three motorcycles wreck on Crash Road. The motorcyclists now wish they had decided to take a nice ride on Puppies and Cotton Candy and Soft Mattresses Lane instead
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One in ten California workers are in the country illegally. The other nine are still trying to move somewhere they can actually afford to live
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Leaning quietly against a stoop when the cops get a noise complaint? That's an arrestin'. Asking why you're being arrested? That's a punchin', kickin', beatin', pepper-sprayin'... and a droppin' of all charges later by the DA
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Now they say eating toast the wrong way causes cancer
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We don't finish anything anym
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Jack The Ripper identified using DNA. I'm sure everyone will now accept this without any hesitation and consider the matter settled
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Christ on a crutch, our children are just getting dumber and dumber
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Photoshop Usher and his assistant
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Duff Beer banned in Australia. Apparently Australia is Fudd Country
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More than 50 British schoolchildren were sent to detention because they were wearing the wrong kind of pants, because that apparently matters
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Cherries Waffles Tennis arrested in Jupiter, because spear gun
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Judge rules that BP was "grossly negligent" in the 2010 Gulf Oil Spill, also determines that Osama bin Laden was not a very nice man
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Cucamonga youth stage "sleep in" to protest authorities' removal of neighbor's pet alligator, Chopper: "I never had children. She is my child"
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Man gets sick and tired of the same old perfume commercials and creates his own
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What does ammonium nitrate do when the truck carrying it rolls? It disintegrates the truck, destroys two firefighting vehicles and two bridges, and blows a hole in the Highway. With pics
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Coming up at the top of the hour it's Livingston Stapler Company Presents. Two hours of live music from Juneau, Alaska, hosted by a farker
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Good: Father aspires to teach his daughter what he calls "good habits and culture." Not so good: By trying to hire someone to kill his estranged wife and her boyfriend
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Nine-year-old boy steals city bus and drives it for two blocks, hitting another bus and a parked car along the way. *ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED*
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| Sat September 06, 2014 |
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Did I mention that Rube Goldberg is the chief of the Detroit Fire Department?
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Drew Carey is offering to help Bay Village police find the teens behind the "ice bucket" prank played on an autistic teenager
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Are you drunk? Naked? Then please stop going to Barcelona. It's pissing everyone off
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The danger of an open casket funeral is that you never know whether or not the funeral home put the right corpse in the coffin
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And in Canada, the current score is Moose 10, Motorists 1 (graphic image warning)
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Anti-drunk driving judge saves a baby falling from a burning building. Just kidding, he got busted driving drunk
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If you recently took a souvenir from Dinosaur National Monument, the Park Service would like you to return it
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If you get evicted from the house you've been renting you could use the low moment as a valuable life lesson and vow to grow stronger from it. Or you could hide in a closet and rob the landlord
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Photoshop these martial monks
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"He blamed it on a disoriented state and a need to obtain an envelope in his name containing a prescription from the office of his psychiatrist." Apparently the 5431 pills he had at home were lonely
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Newbie pilot's freshly assembled mini-WW2 fighter plane combined his first and last 'sortie': "Like somebody was like a bomb"
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What food item(s) would you solely subsist upon if you could without deleterious effect?
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Family's home is seized by the city of Philadelphia because their drug kingpin son got busted with $40 worth of heroin
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If you're still living in your parent's basement, you should know that they're secretly thinking about dumping your stuff on the front lawn and changing the locks
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Photoshop this ceremonial boat launch
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No need to worry, just a rabid drooling asteroid named "Pitbull" that's heading towards us and will pass between us closer than we are to the moon. No need to PANIC
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Americans don't have much love for the pawpaw, one of America's native fruits. Hell most people probably don't even know what one is. Hopefully this will change soon for this humble fruit with a coming-out party
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Blind, deaf cyclist breaks leg after being struck by car. Maybe it's time to find a new hobby
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"I started to think something might have been off when she left one night driving that Oldsmobile and came back the next morning in a brand new Porsche," said a man about his neighbor's caretaker, who stole $855,000
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Hundreds of midwest children hospitalized with coughing, fever, mouth blisters. If apocalyptic movies have taught us anything, now is the time for EVERYBODY PANIC
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Two deer evicted from $3,500 San Francisco studio apartment, run length of Golden Gate Bridge into Marin during rush hour traffic
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You know it's a successful opening night when the bar's owner gets arrested for public drunkenness and biting a police officer
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"A 20-year-old Ohio man drove to the police department to turn himself in because he realized he was too drunk to drive and would get involved in a crash, according to police." He was correct (pics)
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The very drunk tale of the great English gin bender that went on for five decades in the 1800s
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#$*^&^&%$ **boing** @@$#$#@ **boing** &*#%$@@# **boing**
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The Nashville Zoo celebrates the arrival of an ugly-ass baby red panda
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In honor of its being World Beard Day 2014, let's look into why it's so awesome to have one
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Two rare albino lobsters caught within week. The odds? One in 100 million. That's no white lie
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Caption these bears
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Why are you throwing away perfectly good avocado pit when you could be using it to make mole sauce or tea?
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You have not truly lived until you've gazed into the body of a glass frog
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this provocative dance
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Turns out one of the American ISIS fighters that was killed had a job with unfettered security clearance to commercial airplanes. Enjoy your flight
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Tucker, a one-year-old cat with a sad looking appearance due to genetic abnormalities finds her forever home just in time for Caturday. She is definitely smiling inside
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Let's take a moment and forget about the craziness happening around the world to focus on something of utmost importance to our species: the Fark Weird News Quiz
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Why should you occasionally clean out the inside of your truck? You might come across a $3 million lottery ticket you forgot about
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A 58 year-old man was charged for egging his neighbor's vehicles because, in his words, "they don't know how to park"
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"Look, maybe we can work something out. You let me go and I'll mow your lawn. Sound good?"
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Scientist finds keywords in emails between partners show who holds power in relationship. Explanation for Farkers: A relationship is a strong and close association between two people that involves physical and emotional intimacy
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| Fri September 05, 2014 |
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Italy opens dog-only beach. Your dog wants sunscreen
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Pit bull saves children from swarm of bees, Oprah
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It's pretty sad that even when announcing murder charges against a guy who gunned somebody down during a traffic argument the prosecutor has to preface it with "I fully support the right of individuals to keep and possess firearms"
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Residents of small Colorado town are not thrilled it's being turned into a giant beer ad
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FDA and NIH keep finding plague, tularemia, and ricin at the back of the junk drawer
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You're dead, Jim
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Protip: When growing marijuana, do NOT use land belonging to the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers. They WILL notice
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Photoshop this enormous ball of copper
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Fark-ready headline: Stiffed hooker snatches hookas. In her hoo-ha?
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Not wanting to let a bunch of pansies in MISSOURI show them up, 10 districts in Texas are going one step further and using military surplus hardware, including trucks, guns, and body armor, to arm their SCHOOL police forces
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Loyal puppy waits in operating room while cheetah pal undergoes surgery. D'awwwwww
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Criminal, tired of the cops getting all the bad press, decide to start modifying real guns to look like children's toys
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"The two squared off in the parking lot with their respective weapons." Bottle returns: serious business
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When the people of Estonia want to cool off, they dive into an underwater prison filled with algae-covered razor wire and rusty machine parts
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Just some pictures of sculptures used as power line towers
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Cemetery worker's condition upgraded from grave to critical
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Federal court says Yelp manipulating reviews is not extortion, just hard bargaining
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Hoarders and capuchin monkeys just aren't a good fit
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James Cameron: Artist. Director. Undersea explorer. Owner of a produce market in New Zealand
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The NYPD can't tell the difference between Jolly Ranchers and Crystal Methamphetamine. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it. The meth that is. You can't smoke Jolly Ranchers
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Photoshop theme: Redesign a well-known brand's logo. Link goes to crappy example
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Somali PM confirms US airstrikes shish kabobbed al Shabaab leader
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| (Some Guy) |
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Add "unsupervised cartwheels" to the list of things trying to kill kids in Australia
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This is sure to end well
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Drunk Asian Robber Superman tries to fly. "I know it doesn't make sense but it did to me when I was drunk"
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Woman gets all bitey after cops stop to ask why she's taking her car apart with pliers in the middle of the highway
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"Most unloved dog in England" has been in an animal shelter for seven years, been passed up by approximately 17,000 people looking for pets. Your dog wants someone to take Jed home
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When most people say they want to find the Abominable Snowman, they are ridiculed by society. When David Attenborough says it, society believes
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US Doctor with Ebola arrives in Nebraska, will be treated in special isolation unit which consists of being in Nebraska
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Smartphone app helps save baby's life, presumably by teaching the child which birds should be avoided due to their anger issues
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NORAD dispatched F-15s to investigate 'unresponsive aircraft' over the atlantic. Payne Stewart unavailable for comment. UPDATE: Plane has crashed into the ocean off the coast of Jamaica
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Scary Cardboard Nun haunts hospital groundbreaking
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NATO members United States, Britain, France, Australia, Canada, Germany, Turkey, Italy, Poland and Denmark are going into Iraq and Syria to totally destroy ISIS. Come for the massive bombing campaign, stay for the kick-ass menu
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Neighbor: Well, you know, now that you mention it, we did hear a lot of screaming for help and violent banging around upstairs and I guess in retrospect it was kind of odd that she always wore a black leather collar
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Torn from the front page of the Bangor Daily News: "Who the hell are you to tell me I can't have a rooster?"
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You know how Chuck E. Cheese and his friends always looked like they wanted to eat you? Well, you weren't imagining it
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Popeye's worker assaulted after he tried to collect from another employee who promised to pay him Tuesday for a hamburger today
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In this week's edition of "The thing that will kill us all." *Spins wheel* Oh shiat
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"Dear Prudence: My wife only lets me have sex with her when she's asleep. That's not weird, right? I mean, she consents before dozing off"
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China's energy demand will consume 80% more than the US by 2035. And with 50 new coal plants in the pipeline, the chances of reducing their carbon footprint are nil. The best they can hope for is to shift the smog away from their cities
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Police subdue naked, knife swinging man in Harlem. Thankfully, he had not yet begun shaking
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If you're tired of Ferguson, ISIS, Gaza, Ebola, and all that stuff, there are still places on Earth where the headline-grabbing trial of the year involves two SCUBA divers who had an underwater fight over a tropical fish
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Perhaps feeling left out, police in London prove they are also capable of shooting people to death
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| (Some Guy) |
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Czech President Milos Zeman: "What evidence is there of a Russian presence in Ukraine?" Swedish Foreign Affairs Minister: "Is there a Czech intelligence service? Maybe you should ask them"
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Healthcare.gov hacked back in July, discovered ten days ago. I expected better from a trillion dollar website
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Woman accused of pulling gun on children. And that's how you keep your lawn clear
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Finally, science does something useful: they've fully mapped the coffee genome
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U.S. airman denied reenlistment for omitting "so help me God" from his oath. Doing so apparently goes against an antiquated rule established way back in October of last year
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Man who drank an entire bottle of Jack Daniels in 13 seconds says it "was a stupid thing to have done." Thanks for letting us know
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Turns out jumbo shrimp are real. Anyway, we delivered the bomb
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Endoscopy clinic that killed Joan Rivers getting targeted with death threats
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Fort Lauderdale holds first Bacon Bash on Yom Kippur. אוי ווי (Oy vey)
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A man is jailed after he phones and texts ex-girlfriend 21,807 times
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Three words to make your weekend: Gummy Bear Sangria
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Woman killed by falling gargoyle. Xanatos must be behind this
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Washington state shoots the wrong wolf. Team Jacob survives another day
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this rock reckoner
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Of all the calls to receive from your 19 year-old daughter, the one where she tells you she's leaving Scotland, moving to Syria, and joining ISIS to marry someone has got to be the worst
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School girl made to wear "shame suit." Selfies ensue
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I don't care how dangerous the dog is, you are not calling him 'Hitler'
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Country singer demands Obama initiate draft to get revenge for James Foley's death. Not that country singer. No, not that one either
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Coming up on "Pawn Stars," the Prime Minister of France hocks the Mona Lisa to pay his country's debts
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There is a one-in-700-million chance of being eaten by a shark. There are 7 billion people in the world. That means ten people are being eaten by sharks right this moment screaming for help while you're busy searching for Caturday GIFs
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FREE BEER & MUSIC for FARKERS Friday, 9/5, TRiP Santa Monica (2101 Lincoln Blvd.) Beer Tasting @ 6 PM, Music @ 8 PM
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Old and busted: Brontosaurs. New hotness: Dreadnoughtus
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Here's a background on the 90 year old woman who donated $100 million to "kick cancer's ass" over the summer
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Take the deafening, cacophonous noise of death metal and mix it with the shrill, cloying voices of J-Pop and you get Babymetal. May 弁財天 have mercy on us all
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How to not lose your pet turtle
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Man asks judge not to publicize his name after he's caught using pliers to yank women's teeth out during sex
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Where's the cow gonna go? On the back seat of course
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| Thu September 04, 2014 |
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And the latest from Taco Bell's innovation team of no-limits 4-year-olds: the BISCUIT TACO
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Boko Haram reminds residents of town that Ebola is still only ranked #2 on the list "things in Nigeria that will kill you the fastest"
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The worst things Americans say while traveling abroad include: "Do you speak English?", "I love your accent," and "Where's the nearest McDonald's?"
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Pricipal . Caught sayof school that has stoped Twerking "'This is nothing like Footloose" See, told ya so
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Photoshop this man with his head in a crack
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Woman accused of hoarding collies threatened with jail after judge tires of her Lassie-faire attitude
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"Woman left with suspected broken neck after ice bucket challenge," says headline above article explaining that she didn't have a broken neck
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The science behind why time seems to go by much quicker as an adult than when you were a child. "Quit multitasking"
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Note to the NYPD: if you are going to rough up and arrest a woman for "loitering" while her kids are inside a restaurant using the bathroom; make sure she's not a prominent human rights lawyer and former NYC public advocate first
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Every comment on recipe blogs, ever. "I didn't have buttermilk, so I just poured baking soda into a container of raspberry yogurt. It tasted terrible"
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Armed patriot-heroes from an AZ "border militia" catch an MS-13 affiliated group smuggling illegals and drugs over the border. Well, okay, it was actually conservationists counting bats, but it's the thought that counts, right?
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Rob Ford campaign volunteer arrested after scuffle with man wearing Rob Ford mask
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Remember that Ex-Navy SEAL car salesman who was shot in a parking lot in Ohio by those three racist black guys? No he wasn't
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"There's no delicate way to put it: I am a fat man. I know that pants are designed to be worn around my navel, but this is the thickest part of my body. Even with a belt, my pants fall down. How should fat guys wear their pants?"
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Get your own farking w00tstout Beer making kit available for home-brewing the best farking beer in the comfort of your own basement
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The first rule of day care toddler fight club is, you do not talk about day care toddler fight club
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The beheadings will continue until morale improves
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Fark Food Thread: A nod to that tasty little fungus among us. Let's talk about interesting ways to put mushrooms to good use. From topping pizzas to inclusions in sides, stuffed or put on a bun as sandwich, how do you like your mushrooms?
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Former head of Israeli intelligence: calm down about ISIS already. It has no significant military ability
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"Tiny children are not horses," says noted vaccine expert Donald Trump
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It's not exactly the Twinkie Defense, but it's awful close
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Action movies make you fat. DAMN YOU MICHAEL BAY
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Criminals increasingly ditching their traditional drug business in favor of far more lucrative "food crime"
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What's your poop trying to tell you? If it's glowing, you might have colorectal cancer
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The best thing about flying Qantas is: Their safety record? Nah. Their on-time departures? Nope. Their awesome beer pouring machine? Bingo
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these drummers
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If you fake an Ice Bucket Challenge so you can dump urine and feces on an autistic teenager, you are a terrible person
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I don't know what the hell a Bieber is - but it just was hospitalized for fapping injury
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Scientists discover new way to kill viruses and bacteria. Difficulty: It involves injecting you with explosives and blowing them up
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Newly graduated Port Authority police officers wait a whole 0 days before abusing their authority and going on a drunken rampage
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The Same TN juvenile prison where 32 inmates did their impression of "The Shawshank Redemption" last week, is this week staging a recreation of the Attica prison riots
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That douchebag who caused a plane to get re-routed after denying a fellow passenger her seat-reclining rights would like you to know that he might have maybe kinda overreacted a bit
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"Yes, for only £1500 you too can have a giant black cock"
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That's the US youth in the corner. That's them in the spot light
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This Austrian woman used one simple trick to lose eighteen pounds in one day. Ask me how
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Up next on our credit card data theft is *spins the wheel* Goodwill Stores
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99% of comments made to the FCC favor net neutrality, but you know they only care about what the 1% want
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Three people attacked by dogs in Seattle. Were they Chihuahuas? I bet they were Chihuahuas. *reads article* Well, that's a surprise
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Latest overpaid, over pampered CEO to come under fire for his jet set lifestyle while leaving a massive carbon footprint is...wait for it
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Stop me if you've heard this one: Woody, Minnie, and the Statue of Liberty get arrested in Times Square
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Japan seeks to resume Antarctic whaling next year. Time to pull the Bird of Prey out of mothballs to convince them of the error of their ways
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Fans will no doubt be waiting for this with antici-
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You might want to sit down for this, but it looks like the crack team of internet detectives who assigned themselves the task of hunting down the "original guy" who hacked all those nude photos accused the wrong guy. Again
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Canada opens North America's first Cat Cafe. Customers say they haven't seen this many cats in one coffee house since the beat generation
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Canada sending most of their available army to Ukrainian peacekeeping exercise
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The Huffington Post has hired Donte Stallworth as a national security reporter. Yes, that Donte Stallworth, the Truther and drunken driver who killed a guy. No, this is not from The Onion. Where is the "WTF" tag when we need it?
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Transgender SEAL says coming out was the hardest thing she ever did, even harder than ziplining into a terrorist stronghold under heavy machine gun fire in a high heels and a cocktail dress
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Oldest pyramid in Egypt is in danger of collapse. Amway executives plead innocence
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Al Queda opening branch office in India. Locations in China, Japan, and Menlo Park to follow
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Make fun of the French all you want, but someday we're going to have to turn to them and ask them how to make safer raw cheese
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Deadly pig diarrhea virus outbreak reported in Utah. Official spokesperson for Master Blaster states methane production will be unaffected
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If 87 of 150 passengers on a plane are children and their estimated weight was mistakenly tripled, calculate how close the tail of the aircraft came to striking the runway on takeoff
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New iPhone to go on sale on Sept. 19. Yes, there are already people on line in NYC ... and they're getting paid to wait
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Seven clever tips for making produce last longer as opposed to just eating it like nature intended
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RIP Dick Butt
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Great white shark chomps kayak off Plymouth, Mass. Which technically is just a boating accident. With helpful picture stolen directly from the movie poster
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Ever been told your face looks like the back end of a bus? Science says it does
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'I need your tray, your plates, and your cutlery.' Hospital now employs robots to carry meals for patients
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| (Illinois Homepage.net) |
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Locking your drunk friend in a dorm room and leaving them is now a crime
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Scientists perform non-invasive human brain-to-brain communication over 5000 miles. Suck it Spock
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Will everyone who had today in the "Ice Bucket Challenge Is A Satanic Ritual' pool please step forward and claim your winnings?
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Indian woman marries a dog, says she plans to keep him on a tight leash
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Cobra loose in LA suburb. Thankfully, residents have been warned and know to protect themselves, and knowing is half the battle
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81-year old man in a red bra and matching panties exposes himself to families at his assisted living center's pool. (with hot pink is more his color mug shot)
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Dog eats 43 socks
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Is going to the DMV a real drag? Well, it's still no excuse to draw your own license plate
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Millennials are even less trusting than Generation X was, win ribbon
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Customer stops at Burger King drive-thru for lunch, admits he was shocked to see the six-foot long boa constrictor curled up by the ordering screen
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Man fined $2,000 for throwing plastic Tupperware container into the trash, instead of placing it in the live cat bin
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Cops under investigation this morning after witnesses saw them reversing up a one-way street and backing over a cyclist. Twice. And then began moving evidence around
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Reporter asks how likely are you to be arrested for a hidden gun in Alabama. If you're smart the answer in 0% because you wouldn't be in Alabama in the first place
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New mother vows vengeance on social media after Big Woody's bar kicks her out for having a shot and a beer with her husband while breast feeding. Social media wants to know who drove them home
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Photoshop this jumping juvenile
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Back away from the chardonnay, ladies--the feds are pushing for new BAC standards that would limit a 120-130 pound woman to a single glass of wine at dinner. No word on Fark thread limits
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Electric vehicle giant Tesla has so much faith in its home state of California that it decided to put its newest factory in Nevada instead
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The science, it burns
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"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. In this murder trial we will only present one piece of evidence. The defendant's mug shot goodness. Here it is. The prosecution rests, your honor"
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Police increasingly asking victims of crime to do their own investigations because they're busy and stuff
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British ex-boxing champion Anthony Small defends ISIS beheadings, showing he really does have severe brain damage
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Woman suing to overturn her prenup because it gives her only 1% of her ex's $5.6 billion. I mean, $56 million, no one can live off of scraps like that, she's practically homeless
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 487: "Over the Edge". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed September 03, 2014 |
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Apparently there was an active shooter yesterday at Idaho State University. Fark: Chem Professor shot himself in the foot
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Man robs adult store of merchandise to 'feed kids' - which raises the question: Just how many could each pair of edible panties serve?
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So, what are the odds of having your motorcycle accident captured by the Google Street cam as it rolled through your area? Let's ask this embarrassed rider in Brazil
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Inmate at Montreal jail posts photos to Facebook of himself enjoying Cognac and cigars. No word of when his mandatory helicopter escape will be
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CSX: You can't film your movie on our active train tracks on a 110-year-old bridge trestle. Director: We'll do it anyway without permission; what could go wrong?
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Not news: Man ordered to pay child support. Fark: for the child he fathered as the victim of statutory rape when he was 14 years old and the mother was 20
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Photoshop this shamefaced musician
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"Facebook's autoplay feature found to be pushing users over their mobile data limits." (Verizon, AT&T, and Sprint like this)
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This 66-lb hot dog sundae is the ballpark frank we deserve
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I have no idea what you just said, so here's a blueberry muffin that looks like a hamster
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Colonel summoned to correct soldier whose walk has gotten too silly
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Detroit sounds like a great place to come do your street art until you get actually there
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After walking away unharmed from wreck that split their car in half, couple press their luck by going to McDonald's
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No officer, I did not just steal $144 worth of eye shadow
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What is the appropriate volume level for a threesome on your birthday?
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Remember the Police Chief who was forced to resign after being filmed ranting about Obama? The town is now trying to pass an ordinance banning recording of public officials
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Some unusual bus stops you might actually not mind waiting at
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Halliburton to pay $1.1B in fines over Gulf oil spill, or about three pallets of the cash that went missing in Iraq
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In a real Minnehaha moment, a South Dakota man--while in court to answer for failure to complete his anger management class--attacks his female lawyer
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Man shows Florida's unique twist on borrowing some flour from your neighbor
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Attention HR types: there are some kinds of employees that you really want to make sure receive their paychecks. Doctors treating Ebola are high up on that list
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Nightmarish cannibals are creeping into the basement of your home. But that's possibly a good thing
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Science confirms what you already know: coffee is basically crack
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I do not know what a newspaper is but people seem to be upset that ComicSans was used on the front page
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If you're going to shove a toothbrush up your girlfriend's butt while she's asleep, don't record it. If you record it, don't post it to Facebook. If you post it to Facebook, well, I don't have any more advice because you're a dumbass
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Non-profit group opens soap refurbishing plant in Las Vegas, hopes to save millions of lives by reusing leftover scraps of hotel soap. So next time you're washing off your shame and regret in Vegas, know it's for a good cause
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Teen, who was shot in the foot, first told police he was the victim of a "random act of violence." Later admits that he shot himself in the foot when checking to see that the gun was loaded. The gun he "found" in the street
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11-year-old Arizona boy rushed to the hospital after shooting himself in the head. If only he had a gun instructor with him this never would have happened
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Excuses for trying to burgle someone's house number 529: "I was just trying to buy a ferret"
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This is why you should always watch your children at the laundromat: "She was tumbling pretty fast in there"
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Well everyone was distracted by ISIS, Crimea, and celebrity nudes, the cows rose up against Austria
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Just because you label your bottle of liquid cocaine as "Fruit Punch Syrup" doesn't mean customs officials aren't going to test it
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The Daily Mail obliged to explain to its readership that the iCloud isn't an actual cloud. The Guardian points and laughs
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Asshat hits teen on bike, eventually stops to remove bike from van, then takes off again. With security video of sparks flying from bike embedded in grill
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If you've just gotten out of prison earlier this morning, do you think you could at least have the courtesy to wait until after your 'Welcome Home' party before you shoot a guy in the parking lot?
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Brit village in the middle of nowhere dubbed the next Notting Hill. But without the carnival stabbings
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10 words you didn't know used to be dirty, you scumbags full of token
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Boston townie left a heartwarming message in 1941 under the threshold of his row house in Charleston and just found this week. It's pure Boston
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Your teenaged girlfriend dumps you. Do you A: Move on B: Write a poem about her. C: Pose as a cop, call her at her job tell her boss she is being arrested and demand to talk to her
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If you are going to approach a jogger on a running trail, grab her butt, then pull her shorts down to her ankles, you better hope she isn't a deputy U.S. marshal. You also might want to wear a cup
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"Dear Prudence: I fly a lot. And one of the things I always do is tell the person in front of me they can't recline in their seats, and if they try to, I stop them. So why haven't I gotten nationwide attention for this? And this is TOTALLY REAL"
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Two in three women wear so much makeup you could lose a set of car keys in their face
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Just because you're a constable doesn't mean you can go on the field of a high school football game and start questioning the refs about their calls. Even in Texas
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At least 17 mysterious fake cellphone towers being used to intercept calls in US: "What we find suspicious is that a lot of these interceptors are right on top of U.S. military bases." So yeah, maybe not so mysterious (pics)
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ISIS apologizes for releasing latest beheading video ahead of sweeps week
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Not news: Bee infestation on playground. Fark: No one knows what to do because they don't have government permission to use pesticides
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Man stabs pit bull at PetSmart adoption fair, forgets to yell "He's coming right toward us"
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Melee triggered by laundry soap squirt. Fracas begins when one person poured laundry soap over another's belongings. Three were arrested in the brouhaha. Windows were smashed in the kerfuffle, with the hurly burly causing tumult and garboil
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Photoshop this rotisserie stunt
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You don't need a $10,000 raise, a more understanding boss, or an office with a window to be truly happy at work. You just need a little green plant on your desk
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The family of the nine-year-old girl who mowed down an instructor at a gun range with an Uzi wants everyone to pray. Because that will make it all better
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Doctors Without Borders says the world is losing the battle against Ebola. ISIS seems so quaint in comparison
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The only real course of action when you suspect your neighbor is triangulating to get inside your mind is to give him a stern head-butt and then smash his drone
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Officials investigate why, for the second consecutive September, somebody fell several stories during a party at an MIT fraternity. Subby is betting on gravity again
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Ukraine's President Petro Poroshenko says agreement on ceasefire in the Donbass region reached (headline updated)
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Eleven Libyan airliners missing after Islamists take over Tripoli Int'l Airport. CNN on full alert
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President Obama to put 350 soldiers on the ground in Iraq to help protect and defend Americans
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Students have been back at the University of Iowa for a little more than a week, and already three sexual assaults have been reported. BUT LET'S FOCUS ON FOOTBALL
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Justice Scalia once cited the case of death row inmate Henry Lee McCollum as a good example of why he supported the death penalty. Fark: McCollum was exonerated by DNA evidence today
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Meet "The Pickle," a bright green RV that just won a contest for being the ugliest motor home around. Don't listen to 'em Pickle, you're a looker
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Skipper arrested on DUI suspicion after boat runs aground at Venice Beach. Assault charges may be added as witnesses claim he struck his first mate several times with his hat after the incident
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| Tue September 02, 2014 |
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The Russian dash-cam video to end all Russian dash-cam videos
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Meet the girl with three biological parents. A direct result of one of her mothers going to New Jersey
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Couple engage. One wants a Mexican themed wedding, the other wants Star Trek. They make it so
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Princeton University demands employee stop taking life-saving medicine or be fired
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Remember for decades the Fed kept telling everybody to save money and not spend it all? If you are doing that you are a bad, bad, person and ruining the economy so SPEND SPEND SPEND
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Photoshop this winner and loser
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NJ governor Chris Christie's transportation policy angers motorist, who responds by joining his motorcade
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| (Some Guy) |
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Despite Indiana's reputation as a backward state, lawyers must wear socks in the courtroom
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Having private photos stolen and posted on the internet isn't a scandal, it's a sex crime
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There's a coup d'etat happening in Pakistan right now. Just FYI
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Navy builds a 12 million gallon indoor bathtub for playing with model ships. Subby's inner six year old is ecstatic
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Remember that guy who was having sex with a mattress outside a senior-living facility? Local paramilitary groups aren't big fans of his, as he has received numerous death threats since the incident
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ISIS goes two for two
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You can do it, we can help. Help you get your credit card information into the hands of Russian hackers, that is
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There is now a soda for people who are kind-of-racist
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Facebook needs a Report Report Abuse Abuse button
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Woman who swallowed expensive diamond ring will have to locate it by herself. "We don't get paid enough to dig through people's bowel movements"
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Police said it's a worst case scenario after an 18 wheeler full of beer crashes
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this photo from way back when
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Each night, before going to sleep, every Kentucky resident kisses goodnight the framed photo of Patrick Swayze they keep on their bedside table
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Coworkers nationwide embrace tearfully after painful 3-day separation
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The first clumsy hijacking of the ice bucket challenge comes from a cancer charity that wants people to celebrate the Whipped Cream Pie in the Faces challenge
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Iron Chef arrested for DUI. Apparently, the secret ingredient that day was booze
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| (Archery Wire) |
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Minnesota Dept. of Natural Resources asks that you don't shoot collared bears. Crew neck bears are all right, though
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Sen Chris Murphy (D-UH) points out that when one country is sending troops and tanks across the border of another to engage in fighting, that is technically, what you might call "a war"
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According to AAA, there are two speed traps in America. One of them just got a couple of police chiefs suspended
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You know, Putin, I doubt STALIN ever had to issue a press release the day after delivering one of HIS threats, saying that even if he did say what he was reported to say it was "taken out of context." I'm just sayin'
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"We're all going to die. Type that over a sunset, Larry." Why we're fed up with inspirational social media posts
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Pro-tip: When you are stealing from a Wal-Mart, remember to take your baby with you
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Great, now there are airline reclining seat fight copycats
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We know corporations are people. So when a dead corporation's name comes back, is it a zombie corporation? Arthur Andersen wants BRAAAAIIIINNNZZZZzzzzz
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In what can only be considered a shocker, statue's middle finger goes missing
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ALS Association gets ice water dumped on their trademark application for "ice bucket challenge"
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Ermahgerd, Ferk nerslerter
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Remember the bus-sized London "fatberg" from last year? It has a new big brother, the size of a 747
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If you're passed out on a houseboat and roll into the water, let your friends know that you're going to swim to shore before they call out a big search party to look for you
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Don't you hate it when you try to clean your toilet by mixing bleach and Drano and you get sick from the fumes and the cops come out and think those fumes are coming from a meth lab and in reality you're just a hoarder? Me too
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Millennials more willing to take credit for the work of others, say angry boomers who are getting farked over by the kids they're farking over
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"In an instant, the burger brawl was on"
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New letter up for auction shows that young Robert Kennedy was afraid his brother John would be killed at any minute... and that was just by angry husbands
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Evil Persian kitten hospitalises woman for giving him a bath. You mess with Oscar, you get poisoned
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NEWSFLASH: Some mayors in Mexico have ties to drug cartels, including these three
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Two wounded in Transylvania Avenue shooting. Abraham Van Helsing wanted for questioning
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Photoshop this stuffed animal not on the prowl
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If your neighbor is playing music you don't like do you a) ask him to turn it down; b) call police; or c) hold a knife to his throat and ask him if he is ready to die. Article helpfully points out it's unclear what type of music or how loud it was
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Guy rips his own head off in broad daylight. He told you he was hardcore
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DMV forces boy who considers himself gender non-conforming to remove make-up for picture. You better believe that's a lawsuit
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A stranger lifted a girl off the swing set because he thought her time was up. Her mother called the police. What would YOU have done?
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Schools are banning playground games because many children either can't share or can't handle losing
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If you are going to steal some construction vehicles that have a top speed of around 10 miles per hour, perhaps an interstate highway is not your best choice of egress
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All you dirty hippies with your bio-cars have unleashed the scourge of grease thieves: "These thieves come in the middle of night. They make a mess. And usually it's near a storm drain"
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Putin ups the ante by telling European Commission that "I Can Take Kiev In Two Weeks If I Want"
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Trying to bite a cop? You better believe that's a taserin'. Even if you are a 14-year-old girl
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The man who took on the NFL, Comcast and the Sports/Industrial complex... and may just win
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