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| Sun March 09, 2014 |
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'I got down on one knee and proposed. I could tell by her tail wagging that she said ''yes'''
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The perfect marriage?
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A look at the thousands of mentally challenged men who were held in indentured servitude and squalor on farms throughout Texas starting in the 1960s and finally ending in 2009
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Just another day in Trenton, NJ. A day after a shooting at an illegal night club, two more people are shot at the makeshift memorial set up at said night club
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All international flights to Sierra Leone canceled after: A) terrorist take over, B) endangered birds make runway their home, C) the only working firetruck at the airport breaks down
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Are you smarter than a preschooler? New research suggests not
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The drunkest, most obnoxious, most arrogant, worst-tipping tourists? Canadians
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these minions somewhere they'd be useful
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RIP, Wild Bill Guarnere of Easy Company
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We got your blood test back and it says you're going to get Alzheimer's. "Well, at least I'm not going to get Alzheimer's." No, you are going to get Alzheimer's. "Well, at least I'm not going to get Alzheimer's." Oh, forget it. "Already did"
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Convict: "I murdered my parents 30 years ago, but my paranoid schizophrenia is all better now, you can let me out". The mugshot pic disagrees
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225 home subdivision being built over Native American burial grounds by developer too young to watch '80s movies. They're heeeeere
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The latest generation of farmers are apparently all hipsters
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Russia may be 'Putin' out the President Wanted sign soon
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6) Them off their lawns
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Bryan College faculty, students and alumni fight back against the policy requiring faculty and staff to sign a document stating they believe the Genesis story of creation
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Bus passenger refuses driver's demand to move more toward the back of the bus. Just like Rosa Parks
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Dude... there are like clinics for those kinds of drugs. Sit down, have a cup of coffee, I'll tell you about them
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| (Some Chasm) |
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Photoshop this gaping chasm
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Few show up to approach "nervous and actually a little scared" George Zimmerman at Florida gun show. Obviously, since everybody there knew that Zimmerman being nervous and scared usually ends in him shooting somebody
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Smoking hot teacher arrested for sex with students. Just kidding, she quits teaching and opens a kinky sex swingers hotel to help couples wife-swap (w/pic)
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NORADgate
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Caption this tete-a-tete
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Student group named 'Kardinal Kink' applies for group status at Stanford. Rejection response asks for "clarity about your group's hoped for activities." Header photo should clear that up
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Here's a list of Spanish villages that you can buy for less than a fully tricked-out midsize sedan
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Man. Who could have imagined a St. Patrick's Day pre-party at a college would have resulted in 43 arrests?
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Amtrak is now accepting applications for its residency program. You get to sleep on a train, basically
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Man suing McDonald's because they refused to give him more napkins is now Jack in the Box's problem. Just wait until he gets e coli from their beef
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It's Shamrock Shake season again
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Congress has approved 32,500 acres of land along the Lake Michigan shoreline as the first new protected "wilderness area" in five years. If pictures are any indication, they made a good choice
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The most notorious speed trap in the entire country finally shut down. Fark: After the mayor is caught selling oxy
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Guess who gave this advice on how the US should handle Putin, ''Mr President, the only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.'' Go on, guess
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Man who admitted to smuggling 100 lbs of sea cucumbers from Mexico is now in a real pickle
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Photoshop this room with a view
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Man who proudly wore beard for five years considers shaving, thanks to hipsters and their outrageous beards. "I reckon the beard cycle is about 40 years. Irish guys in their 20s and 60s can wear a beard without looking out of place"
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Bengoilhazi
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Her name was Zelda. She was a cryptography enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said "Hey, put an end to all the secrecy by bringing it out in the open"
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Missing Malaysia Airlines flight may have turned back, and four passenger names have been given to intelligence agencies
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Daylight Savings Time COULD KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE. Or, at least, make you overtired for several days
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Coming up right after this song by Traffic, it's Livingston Stapler Company Presents, 2 hours of music hosted live from Juneau by a Farker. LGT stream
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It's impossible to put a price on two douchebag softball coaches outing a teen girl to her mom. Seventy-eight grand is a good start, though
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| Sat March 08, 2014 |
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Man wearing only a thong waltzes into store, tries to steal Batman costume
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What are you doing? Just running around the world in a tiger suit
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Kansas City spelling bee finally ends. There are no words
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Welcome to Florida, where even our pilots are elderly menaces
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"I want gay married couples to be able to protect their marijuana plants with guns"
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Tennessee pastor sets up website for disgruntled waitstaff to share stories about how Christians are terrible tippers who don't leave the proper 20% minimum
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Photoshop this supermarket supermodel
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Judge throws out speeding tickets because nobody will tell him what the real speed limit is
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News: Police seize stun gun. Newsier: Disguised as an iPhone. Fark.com: From a 14-year-old. As you were: In Manchester, England
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Seriously, when is it not cool when an ancient letter gets deciphered and translated for us all?
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Propagandists and spin doctors upset that they can no longer hide behind the label "journalist"
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Alabama man posts video of his Florida adventure on Facebook: "hahaha...in my debue as tayla the manatee slaya...im f---- ready to cannonball on every manatee living yewwww" Jailarity ensues
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Chicago Fark Party, Adriatic on Clark. 8MAR - 8PM
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The name...is Plissken
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How dare you tell my daughter she's pretty
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End Times: Even President Obama seems to be losing faith in Obamacare. Oh and you can count on him to extend the deadline, yet again
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Photoshop this eye-popping ping-pong player
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You have way too much time on your hands if you're a man who pretends to be a 21 year old unwed pregnant woman who was abandoned by your boyfriend just so you can call up other pregnant women
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Millennials are confused as hell about everything
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Animal adoption agency has placed more than 1,700 exotic animals who were initially and sometimes illegally purchased by people who had "no idea" raising a ball python or Mexican rat snake wasn't like raising a dog or cat
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Daylight Saving Time 2014 Guide. Um, is it really that complicated?
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Above or Below Average: The average American spends 34 hours per week watching TV, makes $786 per week, kisses someone every 34.6 hours and falls in love 4-7 times before getting married. Where do you stand?
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'Scared Straight' is not an appropriate way to teach your 14-year-old daughter about DUI. With 'can barely keep her eyes open' mug shot
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Mississippi attributes their "most obese" ranking to the state culture. Which is the only time you'll ever see "Mississippi" and "culture" used in the same sentence
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If you are gonna rob a store you don't need some elaborate disguise. Dress in whatever makes you comfortable is what I always say
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U.S household wealth reaches a record high of $80.7 trillion. Unfortunately $79.7 trillion is from the Zuckerberg, Gates and Buffett households
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Book returned to Kansas library after 21 years...Dewey prosecute him?
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Indian plane catches fire. Looks like I picked the wrong week to fly in Asia
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Nine maps show why the South sucks
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One Italian is listed among the missing on Malaysian Airlines flight. Problem: That guy is alive and well and living in Thailand, and reported his passport stolen months ago. So who was actually on the plane?
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A raging fire fills your apartment with deadly smoke, do you A) quickly exit the building, B) alert the neighbors, or C) try to save the flat screen TV?
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Your 2-year-old toddler is fussy so you a) feed him, b) sing him a lullaby, c) give him some marijuana to smoke
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If you're going to take a nap at work and you're a snorer, don't fall asleep at the desk right next to the copier machine
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Georgia school district investigating allegations of sexual activity among Kindergarteners. Well, at least a teacher wasn't involved for a change
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British man gets suspended sentence after being caught trying to have sex with a cow and a sheep in front of a couple having a romantic picnic. Did that couple ever think maybe they were disturbing this poor man's romantic evening?
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If you're going to show off your Taser to a bunch of eighth graders at the school where you work, make sure you don't accidentally pull the trigger during the demonstration
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There is somebody in the Pentagon whose job it is to watch all those bare-chested videos of Putin cavorting about in order to study and decipher his body language
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Does your brother think you're an asshole? If so, YOU may be the inventor of Bitcoin. Take the quiz and find out
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Manhunt, closed streets, campus lockdown, and canceled classes all due to what police call a "high end game of telephone"
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Fosters, it's Australian for just bitten by a snake don't give a fark that I might die, gonna have a beer first
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Fire destroys historic dairy barn. Owner vows to milk it for all it's worth
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Photoshop Challenge: Create your own before-and-after pictures
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The U.N. says the quickest, easiest way to fight the scourge of food waste is to eat fish heads. Fish heads. Roly-poly fish heads. Eat them up. Yum
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School bans girl for: A) Having drugs. B) Fighting. C) Being anorexic. Bonus: school thinks it could be contagious (in the "everyone might do what the cool girl does" way)
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We can finally have a happy, smiley Caturday this week knowing that the grumpiest cat EVER has been adopted
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| (Some Guy) |
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Toronto used to be the leader in public transit that other cities looked up to. Today... well, see for yourself
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Britain rolls out first scratch and sniff city tour guide. Let's hope New York doesn't follow suit
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Baptist pastor performs in blackface at National Young Fundamentalist Conference
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Man admitted to attacking a dog with a pickaxe because the dog "looked at him funny"
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When he rides a float, the spectators throw beads at him. He is... the most interesting grand marshal in the world
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Man wins world record for fastest speed typing by a nose
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| Fri March 07, 2014 |
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Two third-graders were caught smoking weed in their elementary school bathroom. Finally, their moms know where all the dinosaur fruit snacks went
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An interview with former SR-71 Blackbird pilot Rick McCrary about what it's like to fly the world's fastest plane. Spoiler: It's terrifying
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How to stop being a cynical asshole. Yeah, right, whatever
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Twins have surgery to look perfectly identical and share a boyfriend. Giggi-- OMG Kill it with fire KILL IT WITH FIRE
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Britain just days away from total annihilation by monstrous Great White shark named Lydia according to satellite tracker
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In modern prisons you can learn to be a mechanic, dog groomer, gladiator, chef, etc
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Woman sorting clothes at a Unique Thrift Shop in Chicago when gun drops out of clothes, accidentally fires and kills her
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San Francisco, come for the tree lined parks, stay for the beautiful waterfalls gushing from buildings
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Have YOU ever had an out-of-body experience? This woman can leave her body at will: "People only retain the ability to have them if they practice from childhood, researchers think these experiences could be more common than previously thought"
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Although Boeing found cracks in the wings of 40 787s it's building, we can all rest assured there are no such cracks in the wings of the ones already flying. After all, you don't see the wings falling off, right?
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Police chief caught with 3 pounds of cocaine in his work locker claims he had the drugs "for educational purposes"
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This burning woodpile is now BEEEEES OH GOD NOT THE BEEEEES
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School administrators force girl to stand outside during a fire alarm in subzero temperatures, in nothing but a towel and swimsuit because regulations, and without regulations next thing you know it's Somalia up in here
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Machu Picchu has survived five centuries of conquest, earthquakes, landslides and mass tourism. It now faces a new threat: STREAKERS
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My Little (dismembered) Pony
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There she is, Miss Nebraska in Indiana
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Family gets a bonus with their Walmart purchased meat: free LSD
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And now, someone who is mad that a tree with a vagina got cut down
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Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 from Kuala Lampur to Beijing with 227 people on board is missing
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Photoshop this training session
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Poopyhead intent on ruining the Internet for the rest of us wins court decision compelling news site to reveal commenter's name so he can sue for defamation
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If you drop a $20 bill down the sewer, just let it go man, it's gone (Some Not safe for work content in article's sidebar)
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Some totally-not-Russian gunmen have taken over a Ukrainian military base in Crimea
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Looking out for everyone's health, students are trying to limit where people can smoke at the Kansas State Fair. Choking down chocolate-dipped, bacon-wrapped, cotton candy doughnut puffs are still okay
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Gridlock on Washington D.C. streets now worse than the Senate
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News: Tibetan monks stage protest against religious persecution. Fark: They are protesting the Dalai Lama
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Parent-suing teen Rachel Canning posted a Facebook rant about how "spoiled and entitled" her parents are, and the universe just folded in on itself
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Post traumatic dieting disorder? Is nobody just fat anymore?
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Old Chinese saying: Fortune smiles for those who read fortune cookies
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Five outrageous quotes from the '60s about the negative impact of widespread availability of birth control on women. Wait, did I say the '60s? I meant since 2011
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Maybe you shouldn't be a fashion designer if your clothing line is inspired by Fraggle Rock. "Fraggles are cute, love music, and live next to an oracular heap of trash"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this buzzworthy moment
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Was that wrong? Should I not have done a CMT vs. BET theme party at McDaniel College ? I tell you, I'm startled that that sort of thing is frowned upon
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News: Woman convicted of murder may get new trial. Fark: 38 years later
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In today's episode of memory vs. extreme alcohol consumption, we give you the Fark Quiz--to see just how much of the last week you can actually remember
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To the left: A realistic & economically sound plan to get everything, in every state, fully powered with renewable energy by 2050. To the right: naysayers explaining why this is impossible
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What should a mother do if someone is allegedly bullying her daughter at school? Make a shining example of herself by brawling with the 12-year-old alleged bully
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Those BPA-Free products you've been using? Turns out they contain more Synthetic Estrogen than BPA, and the Plastics Industry has developed the testing methods the EPA uses that intentionally don't detect it because: Free Market
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In the latest sign that the world is full of wonderful people just waiting to make each other happy, chefs are now using old liquor barrels to age sauces
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The hipster invasion of one of America's oldest cities hits a snag. "New Orleans is not cosmopolitan," said actress Tara Elders. "There's no kale here"
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Those crazy people who are afraid of fluoride might have been right all along
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DEA investigation puts dangerous meth dealer behind bars. Fark: after taking away his DEA badge
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How do you know when you take sports a bit too seriously? When you accuse people who root for the wrong team of sedition
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So why did Moscow suddenly switch from demanding President Yanukovich be restored to power to backing Crimean secession? Might have something to do with the massive heart attack Yanukovich just had and the fact he may or may not be dead
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Midwestern US: "Temperature today could reach a 2-digit number that starts with 4"
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Imagine if you will, a 51-year-old Georgia O'Keeffe in Hawaii, clad in a muumuu and contemplating how to paint vaginas for Dole Pineapple
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To combat leaks, the CIA has set up a high-security electronic "reading room" in a secret facility to ensure files can only be viewed there and not copied or transmitted. Fark: They forgot to unplug the printer
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For sale on eBay: One lightly used 1987 Soviet TU-95MS "Bear" bomber, low mileage. Needs work. Current bid: $3,000,400
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Columnist uncovers the truth: men and women sometimes like different things, and sometimes they like the same things. Someone please dust off the Pulitzer
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Yesterday Jindal accused AG Holder of "standing in the schoolhouse door" like the governors of the Jim Crow era because he opposed vouchers. As it happens, Holder's sister-in-law was one of the Schoolkids turned away by Gov. Wallace
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Costco to Ohio town: Do you want a store or some stupid trees?
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Fark Food Thread: What's the strangest thing you've ever eaten or made? Any durian fans in here? Balut? Lutefisk? Chilled monkey brains? Share a rarity and open our eyes
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Bitcoin officially not a currency. Luckily this means they can tax it
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Daylight Saving Time 2014 starts on Sunday, March 9; the Huffington Post is a glorified calendar
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High school students use hollowed-out copy of Stephen King's IT to hide their weed. We all float down here
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After the brutal winter, Midwesterners are eager to welcome a perennial illegal immigrant to their states
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This Domino's Pizza driver will save you in 30 minutes or less or your CPR's free
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"OMG, this is my classmate who is totally a porn star." "OMG, you know this because you are, among other things, a subscriber to our porn site"
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Turns out the Pope doesn't believe the whole "Thou shall not steal" commandment
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Man who poked holes in girlfriend's condoms because getting her pregnant would be "exciting" waits for court decision on how big a scumbag he actually is
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Nine things a man secretly wants in your bedroom. #6: Exposed pipes. That's a secret?
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Man at BWI airport shocked to find out you can't bring a handgun and two clips of ammo in your carry-on bag
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Cat returns home after being missing for eight years, misses Caturday by THAT much (pic)
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Church gun give-away flyer: 'Win a free AR-15...my peace I give unto you'
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In news sure to restore faith in the government's complete severance from the business world, the head of the DOJ's antitrust division must recuse himself over the TWC-Comcast merger because he was NBCUniversal's lawyer when Comcast took it over
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Pretty awesome CSS3 site shows the dangers of drugged driving. This site is amazing but would look totally excellent if you're buzzed, which probably was not the sort of praise its builders were hoping to hear
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Dog whose owner tried to cleanse him of ticks but instead set him on fire returned home safe and sound
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No matter how likeable he is, Pope Francis just isn't putting asses in the pews
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Judge: upskirt photos are creepy but legal. State legislature: not so fast there, Judge Pervy
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Somebody in Massachusetts is recruiting teenage boys to wrestle. Police are still unsure if that's a euphemism
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Study shows that no amount of logic, reason, or science can change an anti-vaccinator's mind
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| (Some Guy) |
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British hospitals are overwhelmed on weekends by people who think drinking themselves into an 'anaesthetic state' is acceptable, says ER doc, who points out that you can drink yourself to death and get change from £10 in the UK
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Man sentenced to five years of sodomy following acquittal on sodomy
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So cops knew that mom (who tried to drive her kids into the ocean) was looney tunes, but they couldn't do anything about it. "There's no law against crazy"
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64-year-old physicist swears he didn't invent Bitcoin, then goes on car chase through Los Angeles before disappearing
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She's not sure who her mother is, but fairly certain her father has a large creepy red-bearded plastic head
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You'll frequently hear people say "the science is settled." Scientifically speaking, can it ever be? (Spoiler: you better believe it)
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New research proves short people are dumb people. Randy Newman predicted this
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Photoshop this high jumper
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Los Angeles tops U.S. cities with the worst traffic congestion in the nation. Study was finished a week ago but just came in on the 405
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Nobody likes Chicago, anyway: Short notice March 7th Twin Cities Fark Party
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More than a half-million migrating sandhill cranes will soon take over Nebraska, eating all the food, crapping everywhere and disrupting the sleep of residents, just as though Nebraska had real people willing to vacation there
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Crime in Scotland drops 22 percent. The last time the nation saw statistics like that, every other person was on a boat to Australia
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Internet to Chevron: How dare you insult residents of small town impacted by natural gas explosion by offering them a free pizza? Town to internet: Shut up, we like pizza
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Nebraska's tourism board asked citizens to pick from twenty-five statements that best described their state. The clear winner? "Wide open spaces"
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Why go through life as a bald man when you can tattoo the appearance of hair follicles on your head? "I think it just opened up a lot more doors, I feel more confident about myself"
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So, heroin's making a comeback in one state
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Ukraine: "The civilized world won't recognize an independent Crimea" Hey now, Russia gave us giant animatronic crying bears, they're civilized
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Judge rules that Amazon can start its own drone program
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Eight keystone cops who shot at innocent civilians during the Dorner manhunt, will be returning to duty, after some "additional training"
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Chicago alderman wants signs telling him which speed limits apply to politicians too
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Ukraine Channel 24 streaming site. You may want to bookmark this
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Your guide to the flags being flown by protesters the Ukraine
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Russian soldiers in Canada given 24 hours to turn in all Tim Horton's coupons, leave country
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Sure getting away with shoplifting takes a little skill, but accumulating $7 million in merchandise over a 10 year spree is pretty darn impressive
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US destroyer on way to Black Sea for "routine drills"...and by "routine drills", the US Navy means they want to show how fast a US destroyer can sink a Russian destroyer
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Scorned wife exposes husband and his mistress by posting photos all over the woman's Walmart workplace of him and the woman having sex
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Crossing the border with a phone or laptop and haven't done anything wrong? DHS, "We'll take that"
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| (HumorStash) |
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A college in Japan allows students to wear ANYTHING they want to their graduation ceremony
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You're a teacher looking for something to bring to school and show the students. Do you pick C) a dead fox you found by the side of the road
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Passenger on SWA flight goes berserk, screams for booze, throws gang signs 'for Jesus,' renews his TotalFark subscription while in the air, then forces emergency landing
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Luckiest guy in New Jersey owns bar that's going to be on TV because the camera crew sent out to another bar got lost and walked in his door instead
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Hospital room gets overly dusty as critically ill bride marries her everloving sweetheart from her intensive care bed
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"It's like the day Kennedy was shot...no one will forget where they were when they heard the news." Is it: A) 9/11, B) Columbine, or C) Chrysler ordering 93 rare Vipers destroyed? Hint: The guy who said this is a complete imbecile
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| Thu March 06, 2014 |
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Eighteen-year-old drinks ten Jagerbombs at a nightclub and OMG DON'T EVER DO THAT
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Christians are so oppressed, they had to get local police to stage mock arrests to prove it
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Welfare spongers are ruining Australia's economy, according to a woman who inherited billions and stole her own children's trust fund
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How four members of different gangs led a supermax prison hunger strike that got 30,000 men behind them--without ever leaving solitary confinement
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If you're a registered sex offender, maybe you shouldn't grab your mail while naked. Also, maybe you shouldn't refuse to give cops ID. Lastly, if there's a cop sitting outside waiting, maybe you shouldn't then go out and masturbate in front of a boy
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Bad: Drinking and driving. Really bad: passing out in your car Fark: Having a cop wake you up, pressing the gas and slamming into a police car, then refusing to exit the vehicle
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Eeing in the ool might be bad for your health
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this lulu of a biscuit ad
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Vegas police on the lookout for man suspected of heist. Getaway vehicle description: motorized wheelchair
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You have to go through the zoning board for a lot of things, like adding an in-ground pool, or a treehouse, or an open firing range in your backyard ... wait, NOT that last one?
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Scientists have patented a new machine that will provide orgasms for women at the push of a button, making men totally redundant
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The reason no one's talking in your open office is that they're all busy IM'ing eachother
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Not news: Army sexual assault lawyer suspended. News: For committing sexual assault. Fark: At a sexual assault legal conference
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Not news: Milk tumblers. Fark: Made out of molded, baked chocolate cookie dough
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Getting arrested for choking your husband a week after getting caught making out with your brother while locked up for shoplifting isn't normal. But on meth it is
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Go ahead and click on that Daily Mail link. They're barely making a profit anyway
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If your doctor learned how to do a hysterectomy procedure from a DVD, don't be surprised when he leaves a glove inside you
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Right wing commentator complains it is horribly unfair that AP used an actual photograph from a meeting of a splinter Boy Scout organization started by fundamentalist Christians that shows scouts giving a Nazi-style salute
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Man kicks up a stink by stuffing poop into ATM machines at banks in a protest against 'The System'
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Man in court for theft calls court to report theft of bomb he was gonna use as a threat, or something. I can't tell what's going on with this article
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So the Jehovah's Witnesses released an anti-masturbation video for the deaf, in American Sign Language. Naturally, the internet got a hold of it
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Caption this photo of Chris Christie at CPAC
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Photoshop this Syrian fruit vendor
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If you needed something "armored" to help you rob an ATM, would you choose, (A) a car, (B) a truck, or (C) underwear?
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Improve your workout recovery time by doing 12-ounce curls
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Now that the monocle is making a return among the New York hipster scene, here are five other possible fashion trends for the uber-cool to consider
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North Korea set to hold Parliamentary elections where ordinary North Koreans will be given the choice of voting for the approved candidate or condemning themselves and their family to a prison camp for the rest of their lives
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College brings in professor with very unfortunate name to talk about women's history month
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Men sentenced to 100 lashes as Saudi Arabia introduces corporal punishment for racism. Homophobia and misogyny still fine
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All the people below the Wanapum dam on Washington state's Columbia River can rest easy now, the 65-foot crack has apparently fixed itself
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For some strange reason, large numbers of federal employees seem to always have left their work laptops in the office whenever the government closes down and asks them to telework instead
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Remember back in the good old days when Spring Training was the perfect time to announce to the media that you and your buddy were swapping wives? "Don't make anything sordid out of this"
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Police ask that if you see the missing pink gun, laugh at the person who purchased it
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Florida city has the solution to deter prostitution: a stern letter sent to people seen talking to prostitutes
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"Hey, I know how we can get back at that mean ol' teacher"
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18 reasons creative people would be terrible employees in most jobs
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Playboy isn't buying the Duke porn star's feminist argument. You know, Playboy, the authority on feminism
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Diabetes makes us do funny things - feel unwell, stop us from thinking straight and shoplift apparently
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US courts side with Chevron over Ecuador. Of course they did
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Police discover that if you follow the trail of clothing, sooner or later it'll lead you to the naked guy
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You should stop worrying about Chipotle not giving you guacamole with your burrito. Instead you should worry about being punched by random strangers over it
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"Otter Eats Alligator" no longer just a section of the kama sutra
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Slate blogger would like you to know that he never believed that whole hoverboard prank and certainly didn't fall for the joke and is only annoyed because golly why can't people be more grown up on the internet?
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Last week, "American CEO of Singapore Startup First Meta Dies" *crickets*. Today, "MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES SURROUND DEATH OF BITCOIN CEO" *massive media salivation unlocked*
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Man urinates on people near University of Florida campus, receives scholarship offer from Miami
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Apparently, it's illegal to put a dolphin in your swimming pool
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Cab driver suspended after throwing Gaelic speakers out of his taxi. In his defence, he honestly did believe that they were all choking on something
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Step 1: Get roaring drunk. Step 2: Lose $500k in Vegas Step 3: Break even?
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Port San Antonio bans food truck because of offensive name: CockAsian. I'm guessing teriyaki chicken?
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Ubisoft sends wrong batch of its new South Park game to Germany, shipping the version that has all the swastikas in it. They were warned not to mention the war
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Bitcoin exchange CEO suspected to be on a misadventure, battling Clu on the Gaming Grid
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Since T. Rexes lived in the Cretaceous period, that giant predator in "Jurassic Park" must have been a newly discovered Torvosaurus gurneyi instead
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Man attacks sister after she complains that he leaves the toilet seat up. Cops tell him to put a lid on it
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We all hate those awkward family moments, like when you hire a hooker for the evening and it turns out to be your son's girlfriend
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American airstrike kills five Afghan soldiers after pilot mistook them for Canadians
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San Francisco is about to ban the buying of bottled water on public property. Urinating on public property still cool
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Bird smoking cigarette burns down house. "It's crazy isn't it? Smokers. What can you say?"
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Like mama always said, "You can't make an omelet without breaking and entering", or something like that. I dunno, I wasn't really paying attention
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Virginia Dept. of Transportation: We'll still keep plowing the roads despite being $100 million over budget. Paving those roads in the spring, not so much
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Crimea holds vote to join Russia. So mark your calendars, either we have an invasion of Ukraine or an all out war for Crimea in 10 days
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You've threatened my parrot, now get out of my house
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Legoland receives threats, most likely plastic explosives
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Mom pulls gun after catching 23-year old guy in her home having sex with her 15-year old daughter. Fark: it was a BB gun "but he didn't know that". Felonies ensue
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A Marine who lost an eye after jumping on a grenade will receive the Medal of Honor. Fark: Badass bling in his fake eye
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China: We're in broad agreement with Russia on the Ukraine situation. United States: How are things going in Tibet? China: We are in broad agreement with the United State on the Ukraine situation
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Caffeine dependence has been linked to emotional and physical problems, especially for someone who tries to keep a caffeine addict from their fix in the mornings
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Photoshop these benched boys and masked men
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| (Nolo Contendere) |
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Americans fly to Asia for sex tourism. Asians fly to America for birth tourism. THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
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Not News: eight-year old watches fellow student with delinquent lunch tab get a cold sandwich instead of a hot school meal. Fark: eight-year old raises $14,000 to pay for 4,000 reduced-price meals
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College students have discovered this newfangled thing called "anal sex". What WILL they think of next?
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Video reportedly shows contractors who died on 'Captain Philips' ship Maersk Alabama acting like drunken sailors in port
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Time to clean out the foreclosed house. What's this in the Jeep in the garage? Oh. Well THAT's why the payments stopped a few years back
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| (BenefitsPro) |
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Company finds that walking on a treadmill while working at your desk improves your productivity, makes for interesting workplace injury claims
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Not news: Child gets automatic suspension for bringing banned item to class. News: It was a cheese sandwich. Fark: She's two years old
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If you accidentally left your severed goat head in Prospect Park, police would like you to come and claim it
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Facebook and Instagram to crack down on gun sales. In related news, people use Facebook and Instagram to sell guns
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Propaganda protip for Russia: If you're going to use fake supporters in news reports from different locations in Ukraine, try mixing up the actors you use to portray disgruntled Ukranian citizens
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Old and busted: Push-up bras. New and reconfigured: Push-up jeans
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It's Sacramento Beer Week: the only week we don't mind lasting 11 days. Let's get together for happy hour Thursday, March 6 and do what FSM gave us livers for
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Outrage after Brooklyn tattoo artist tattoos his dog. How's the dog going to find employment now?
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The elderly couple never explained why they routinely discarded feces-filled McDonald's drink cups on the side of the road
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Apparently, what we really need is more Canadian porn. How does that work, exactly? "You go first." "Oh, no, I couldn't. After you"
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Due to strange allergy, human Etch a Sketch draws pictures on her skin, says they vanish after she shakes her arm out
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Man rescues golden retriever named Amber from kennel. On Sunday, Amber pays him back following snowmobiling accident which leaves man immobile, keeping him warm all night and leading two men to his rescue. With "goooood doggie" pic
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RT news anchor Liz Wahl quits on air, saying that she can't work for a network that "whitewashes the actions of Putin." A journalist with ethics... who woulda thunkski. w/vid
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El Weekend at Bernito's
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In 2016, there will be a recrudescence of a top score of 1600 on the SATs. And they're going to eliminate the essay. And penaltes for wrong guesses. And they're removing bigger, harder, more recondite words
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Intrepid journalists explore what happens when you run the first 13 sentences of "The Sun Also Rises" through the new Hemingway editing app
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Woman's new car comes with the $12,000 spare tire option
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Neither rain, nor sleet, nor big-rig crashes will stop the USPS. Wait, scratch that last one
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Sriracha Pringles are a thing. But if you want to try them, you're gonna have to set your soul aside and wander into the very pits of hell
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 461: "Catching Fire". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed March 05, 2014 |
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Blind man robbery suspect arrested. He would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for that wall, the stairs, a couple of trees
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Welcome aboard today's flight. We're cruising at 12,000 feet, and that burning smell is the a**hole in seat 12E getting majorly burned by our captain. You go, girl
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This story has it all. Flying toasters, refused sex and, well, that's about it
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Fight child obesity with slot machines. Here comes the science
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Headmistress under investigation in Germany after 'accidentally' blurting out 'Sieg Heil' at start of children's race
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| (Some Guy) |
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Here are some things that can kill you in the face from the Land Down Nope
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Are you crafty with needles? The Penguin Foundation needs your help. Knitter, please
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Hippies unhappy the 1% is converting to their religion
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Too busy for church today? Catholic priests will haul ash for you
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Sanjay Gupta almost doesn't want to be known as the "Pot Doc". But, like, whatever, man
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Thirteen-year-old becomes youngest person in the world to build a nuclear fusion reactor, promises not to become a super villain
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Photoshop this bathing beauty
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Don't you hate it when you catch your girlfriend with another guy? Don't you REALLY hate it when the other guy ends up shooting at you
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Bad: you're in jail and can't make bond. Worse: you're represented by the public defender. FARK: an uninvited private attorney shows in the jail to represent you--complete with lube, sex device and baby wipes
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Fast food employee reveals why you should never, EVER order the Wendy's chili
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Subby was going to read "13 Annoying Gym Pet Peeves That Make You Just Want To Quit Working Out", but he had somewhere to be in 26 minutes
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Remember that TX family court judge whose daughter posted a video of him beating her with a belt? In a rare show of sanity, Texas voters decided he can't be a judge anymore
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Birthday party in Texas breaks out into impromptu game of taser tag
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Army general bans "barbaric" conduct of A) torture, B) rape, or C) eating sandwiches with hands
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In order to make the Boston Marathon safer this year, they are banning military groups from marching. Aren't they the ones that know how to react to a roadside bomb?
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Chipotle admits, that much like the rest of GW hysteria, the claim they are pulling guacamole due to climate change is "way overblown"
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Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court rules women should wear underwear in public
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The Marine Corps' new amphibious transport prototype is like "three dozen flip-flops zip-tied to a fan"
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Photoshop one of the sexiest men alive
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Barbie designer: "Nobody could make Barbie's clothes fit if she had a normal body." Normal Barbie designer: "Challenge accepted"
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I'm a banana, I'm a banana, I'm a banana, with Professor Stephen Hawking
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Everyone is applauding Arizona Governor Jan Brewer for vetoing that anti-gay bill. Except for Michelle Bachmann
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March just started and already there have been eight questionable financial sector deaths this year
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It appears you can't FURIOUSLY ride a horse through the Surrey countryside according to a 167-year-old law
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Apparently not real good at taking orders from a monolith, NASA planning to attempt landings on Europa
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Economics lecture on porn site mystifies the Internet
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"Authorities are not sure why he simply walked into the restaurant and began eating the pork"
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The Coast Guard sends a cutter to pick up a very cold doggy four miles out on an ice-covered lake
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Did you enjoy your douchetastic $310 tasting menu at New York's Per Se restaurant? Awesome, you're cool. Oh, on your way out you might want to not look at that notice from the health department they have in their window
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Just because you live in a trailer park doesn't make you a redneck, however, flying a KKK flag and having a sign that reads "Members Wanted" in front of the trailer helps you get there
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Chimpanzees and children show different expressions when faced with impossible problems, suggesting that either determination is a uniquely human trait, or monkeys have just gotten used to scientists screwing with them
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Ugly-assed prehistoric fish being re-introduced into Texas' only natural lake, thanks to efforts of group founded by Eagles singer Don Henley
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What's the code for tripping on a herd of gerbils while on a ladder and colliding with a member of the Household Cavalry in his private plane while on holiday in Peru, only to have your leg broken by escaped Wildebeest spooked by different gerbils?
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Russia's occupying forces in Crimea are quickly learning that the only thing more stubborn than a Russian may be a Ukrainian, as Ukrainian forces are increasingly calling the Russians' bluff
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Not news: Man robs bank. News: His getaway vehicle is a bicycle. Fark: On a previous arrest, he used the sleepwalking defense
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If you're dumb enough to fly to Mexico for weight-loss surgery, I'm not sure any kind of public health warning is going to have an effect
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Man charged with having sex with pit bull as neighbors watch (Bonus: Mugshot features the same face the dog probably made)
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Suspects shoot at strippers during robbery attempt, discover that not even bullets are allowed to touch the dancers
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Arizona woman sure to have her neighbors a-buzz over her assault charges
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Al Gore hired Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson to direct this winter's weather. How else do you explain why it's had five logical endings, yet it just keeps going
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Quebec might separate from Canada. New government to be instantly recognized by Putin
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My blood runs cold. My memory has just been sold. Pope Francis is the centerfold. Francis is the centerfold
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An official with the Douchebag Entitlement Association testifies on the dangers and irresponsibility of legalizing the devil's weed. Translation: DEA officials are really worried about losing their jobs once the downsizing begins
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Adam Carolla needs your help to fight patent trolls and save podcasting. Makes a simple, cogent and sober argument on his FundAnything page, making many wonder what he's done with the real Adam Carolla
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'Homeless Jesus' statue at church causing controversy. "That's not who Jesus is. Jesus is not a vagrant; Jesus is not a helpless person who needs our help. We need someone who is capable of meeting our needs, not someone who is also needy"
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Florida man with plastic gun killed by Florida police with real guns
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Pope Francis says "I am not Superman", though strangely lately he seems to have taken to wearing glasses with thick, un-stylish frames, and NEVER seems to be around when Superman shows up to save the day
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| (PCB007) |
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We all knew Skynet was coming, we just didn't know it was born in New Jersey
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If aliens exist, do they worship god? Is Earth the only planet which believes in a creator? Can you read this article without hearing it all in Morgan Freeman's voice?
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Hip city dwellers, bummed at how mainstream their rooftop gardens have become, are making the switch to beekeeping
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