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| Sun January 19, 2014 |
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Do you have what it takes to pass the driver's license test in China?
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[Sappy]: Wedding portraits of bride and groom. [Interesting]: Made out of pizzas. [FAIL]: Domino's
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Smoking or drinking during pregnancy can cause your baby to: A) be born premature, B) have deformities, or C) be gay
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A North Texas man who paid $350,000 for the right to hunt an endangered African black rhino said he's had to hire full-time security due to death threats after his name was leaked onto the Internet
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We farked air travel because our damn carry-on luggage
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This man built a wagon to pull behind his bicycle for his three legged blind dog. Give this man a steak (although he will probably just give it to his dog). Bonus: the dog's name
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Patents you should worry about, but the real question is who draws these diagrams? Have they even MET a human before?
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Photoshop this camera ball
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Flash: Mom concerned about about daughter's cleavage display. Hot Flash: daughter born during Johnson Administration
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Vladimir Putin promises the Winter Olympics will be bribe-free and gay-friendly. Or possibly gay-free and bribe-friendly, it's so easy to get those confused
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Maryland mom performs exorcism on her children, succeeds in releasing their trapped souls
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Photoshop these 80's dancers
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Even zombies need to sleep. Hello walrus, we be needing your brains
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Parents warned about new junior high fad: smashing and snorting Rockets (Smarties for you Brits). Sadly, unlike the stupid snap bracelet crap, this one has youtube videos
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While in the process of repairing damage from Hurricane Sandy, village board steps in to help a local WWII Vet and grocery store owner. Just kidding, they hit him with Eminent Domain so their buddies can build a new supermarket
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New Jersey has been colluding with insurance companies to import coyotes in order to reduce the deer population. What a wily idea
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Man spots 750 birds in one year, and not by sitting on a park bench with a bag of cracked corn
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"I have to say Bob the opossum is our first experience performing aftercare cremation on a opossum. Bob is very well loved throughout the coast"
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Not to shock you before you've had your coffee, but "customer" service at the IRS is bad and getting worse. That's it, I'm taking my "business" elsewhere
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The Polar Vortex is back and it's going to be just as much fun as you remember. Oh, and shut up, California, you'll fall into the ocean soon enough
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"Yeah, sucks that your kid got killed three months ago, but that roadside memorial is an eyesore and needs to go"
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Chinese man inflates 4 tires. In 21 minutes. With his nose. So, what impressive feat have YOU done this weekend?
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Okay fine, fer sure fer sure, for some with valley fever there is no cure
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The Road Runner wins again. Meep Meep
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Your blog still sucks, but no more than any real journalist's
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Photoshop this iced head
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Apparently, the best model for childhood education was developed in 19th century Germany. You know what else was developed in 19th century Germany?
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If some street vendor in Memphis offers you a great deal on a "real Rolex", he just might be telling you the truth today
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California residents wonder what could be next after mudslides and fires. HINT: Can you outrun a mountain lion? I'm just asking for a friend
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Hey look at these old photos of this secular enlightened country where women wore short skirts, went to co-ed universities, voted, had equal rights and...Wait, that's what Afghanistan was like before the Taliban
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How college is sold to poor kids, who latch onto the notion of getting a four-year degree as the way to propel them into a superior social strata
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San Jose restaurant Flames goes up in ... well ... flames
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I don't always steal pickup trucks and get chased by police. But when I do, I do it while 9 months pregnant
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Coming up at the top of the hour, it's Livingston Stapler Company Presents radio show. You'll know it's me when the jazz switches to Butthole Surfers. LGT TuneIn stream
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| Sat January 18, 2014 |
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Nurses have to deal with every jerkoff patient that shows up on their ward
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Shrimp. Mayonaise. Doritos
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Man crafts 1:60 scale model of 777 out of manila folders. File this one under awesome
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What do you do when your babysitter tattoos your children without your permission? Remove the tattoos with hot razor blades, DUH
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A murder of crows, a bite of midges, a destruction of cats, a stampede of mourners
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China plans to ban smoking in public. Critics argue that smoking a cigarette is the only way most Chinese people can get a little fresh air
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Twentieth time's a charm
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Photoshop Challenge: Create an unlikely sponsorship design for this race car
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Australian women lament drought of single, eligible manly men who regularly wrestle crocodiles or catch bulls. "There are so many guys that are metro, gay or hipster"
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Alexander Graham Bell, a patron saint of hydrofoils. Wait, what?
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Feeling hungry? Here are the 17 most influential burgers of all-time, with an iconic slider at number one
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Colorado looks to extend bar closing time to 7 AM. After that you'll have to have pot for breakfast
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I said NOISE IS THE #1 QUALITY OF LIFE COMPLAINT IN NYC
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Indian minister's wife tweets about her husband's affair. She then mysteriously fell out of a window onto an exploding bomb. And was also killed in shooting accident
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For the first time in twenty years, Chicago schools will require children to have daily physical education that doesn't include running home to escape gang violence
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Feeling chilly? You otter see this
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Sacramento police on the lookout for every male Farker. With bonus 7th grade level police sketch
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The most popular thing ran by The New York Times was A) an article about addictive junk food; B) the election of Pope Francis; C) a dialect quiz
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Photoshop this unusual hood ornament
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Illinois police would like to remind you that you can be pulled over for using your cell phone while driving. Something you might keep in mind while transporting $1M in cocaine
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Caption these snow scoopers
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Can't find last year's tax return? Good news: You can download it directly from the IRS now
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Thor attacks Jesus, wins
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One of ours is home from Kuwait. It's time for an ol' fashioned welcome home party for a soldier. JANUARY 18, AUSTIN, TX
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Billy Graham is ready to move on to the place of endless chocolate bars and marshmallows
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Not news: dozens of passengers fall ill on Caribbean cruise. News: not a Carnival ship
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Since 2006, over seventy drivers from the Buffalo, NY area have driven into buildings. "Weird" tag is also for the person who maps them all
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Baby-faced Russian teen may be responsible for Target retail hack, said he did it just for the lulz
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Meet Lindsay, nudist, free spirited dancer, abandoned girlfriend of Edward Snowden. He left her all alone, penniless and heartbroken. See PNot safe for work pics and videos of her 'artistic expressions'. Whatever shall she do?
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"Officer, am I under arrest?" "No, I'm just here to swap my drugs for your sex act." "In that case, YOU'RE under arrest"
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Man who conspired to build a death ray is indicted by grand jury. Could face long prison term, or possibly banishment to a remote volcano as punishment
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Well, that is one habit you should not be getting into
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Religiously conservative people preach family values, yet engage in the sweet release of divorce more often than their heathen neighbors
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White men can jump... to idiotic conclusions
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Photoshop this classic kitchen
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If you woke up today on a bed of empty tequila bottles, coughing up cigarette butts and there's a wild llama running up and down your hallway, it can only mean one thing: You stayed out too late celebrating Betty White's 92nd birthday
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Man sorting through old box in grandparents' house finds never before seen pics of the Challenger disaster, blasting subby right back to his fourth-grade classroom. Where were you older Farkers that day? (with the pics)
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Somehow in recent years Americans have managed to become both fitter and fatter
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A 10-year-old fourth-grader in Texas, asked his family and friends to give him rather odd gifts for his birthday: dog food, cat food, treats and a few bucks to donate to the Rita B. Huff Animal Shelter. Have a happy Caturday
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Tips for getting your children to fall asleep when the whiskey just doesn't cut it
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21-year-old Russian hottie arrives in UK speaking just six words of English, is now Masters student competing for Miss World University. WHAT A COUNTRY (w/pics)
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"Model Wanted" ad never gets old
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Rabbi in charge of the Kabbalah Centre in LA--known for being spiritual director to Madonna and Ashton Kutcher--is being sued by a woman who claims he sexually assaulted her and threatened to "f*cking kill her" if she told anyone. Oy vey
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Scientists warn the Sun has 'gone to sleep' and say it could cause temperatures to plunge. On the bright side, its face has cleared up nicely
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Cops want to search your computer for child porn? ENGAGE SHOE MAGNETS
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| Fri January 17, 2014 |
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Forget bronzing your baby's first shoes, how about 3D printing your unborn fetus
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Grand jury indicts man accused of killing wife with vacuum cleaner
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In an attempt to satisfy America's blood lust, two states propose death by firing squad because it's "cost effective". Pay Per View rights still to be determined
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Survey Says: Women who don't change their name after marriage bring home more bacon and fry it up in the pan
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The Drunk Man strikes again. This time he called a 999 line 30 times in 4 hours to brag about his sexual exploits
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This week's school shooting is sponsored by the City of Brotherly Love
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Photoshop the Cubs' new mascot
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Alabama pastor accused of stabbing his wife to death arrested... on the way to marry his boyfriend
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You wouldn't expect TWO headlines on the same day about people getting randomly attacked by hammer-wielding psychos, but... well, here we are
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A man was WHAT to death? Oh, shucked
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Yet another thing that makes being poor not fun: the sex sucks
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Company connected to West Virginia chemical spill that contaminated water for more than 300,000 people, Freedom Industries, files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Well that didn't take long
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Fat-shaming fit mom is upset about being blocked on Facebook after WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY THE FARK I'M SUPPOSED TO CARE?
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America will drive off a broken bridge if its crumbling infrastructure is not funded soon
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Orkin ranks the top 50 cities for bedbug infestation. WTF Ohio? I mean, seriously, WTF?
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It's Friday, and that means only one thing. The Fark Weird News Quiz. Which is actually two things. Wait, let me start over
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Photoshop Theme: Not a toy (LGT inspiration)
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Pope defrocks 400 priests for molesting kids. No, not the new pope that you like; the old one that you hated
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Apparently lesbian mercenaries are a major concern in Uganda
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"The price of bacon, for example, rose by 9.6 percent last year." DO SOMETHING, OBAMA
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Take a break from looking for your stapler and check out 10 offices you wished you worked at
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While Texas usually makes it easy to write the entire state off as dark-red backwater; it's worth noting that the mayor of Houston just married her long time, same-sex, partner. Of course, she had to go to CA to do it, ..but still
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Judge denies grieving father's request to attend his 11-year-old daughter's funeral, just for the nitpicky reasoning that the father happens to be the guy who shot her
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The new Meadowlands "storm proof" map, complete with ominous black helicopters, looks suspiciously like the prison map from Escape From New York
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The Family Changing Station at the mall is for A) diapering B) teens to have sex or C) teens to have sex while a family is diapering
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When giving $.75 to a homeless man, try not to make it look like a drug deal. And don't worry, the 'Fail' tag is for the 11 police cars who responded to giving change to a homeless man
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Still no cure for canc...oh, hang on a minute
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UT officials say police officer involved in a quadruple murder-suicide- well a quadruple murder AND a suicide really, because a quadruple suicide? Well that'd really be something now wouldn't it?
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Though it's difficult to see how that's possible, new surgeon general's report say that smoking is even WORSE for you than previously thought; linking it to diabetes complications, birth defects, auto-immune diseases, and even tuberculosis
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Washington, DC has a massive leak problem, which could have explosive consequences
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Japanese puppet show for children has one particular character that's a real dickhead
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WWII Japanese soldier who did not surrender until 1974 dies. Or maybe that's just what he wants people to think
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Rahul Gandhi's bid to become candidate for Prime Minister from India's ruling Party was blocked by the powerful president of the party-who just also happens to be his mother. Well that's gonna make for an awkward Thanksgiving
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Today's easily-misinterpreted headline of the day: "Sex cams were to watch dog"
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Snake slithers into lawyer's office. Police say it appears to have been a professional courtesy
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Maine schools would like to let parents know that they don't send old skinny guys in an SUV to pick up your kids for school
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After literally seconds of intense investigative work, police manage to identify criminal mastermind behind stolen motorcycle caper
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Bushfire in Australia causes a 12-kilometre convection column, creating thunderstorms and lightning. Very very frightening
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Something blew on the USS Cole again
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Man attempts to rob a Dollar General, gets a bullet for his trouble. With today's ammunition prices, that's probably worth more than anything that he could have stolen
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Sudden, massive snowstorm results into two forty-car pileups in Des Moines, Iowa, which is the equivalent of about half the state's population
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If you're Target and you're trying to win back your customers' confidence, don't send out a spam email that reads like it was created by scammers
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Hidden contraband? Make the suspect take off their clothes. Concealing a weapon? Make the suspect take off their clothes. Speeding ticket? Clothes off, pal. Jaywalking? Naked time, buster
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Canadian boy spends freezing night on cracking ice floe, is rescued by police who say he accidentally wandered onto the Old People Ice Floe, on which elderly Canadians are banished
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No matter how good they taste, it's illegal to dig up hundreds of turtle eggs for your omelets
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Late Pennsylvania outdoorsman apparently had no friends who know how to shoot flaming arrows
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You know how embarrassing it is when you forget your coffee on the roof of your car and drive off? Imagine how much worse it is when it's a middle-aged guy in boxer shorts clinging to the roof of your vehicle. Awwwwwkward
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Protip: Cops really hate it when people try to help other people obey the law, so don't do that
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Woman decides to try the old "pawn my car then tell the insurance company it was stolen so I can get even more money" ploy. Or as it's more commonly known, "fraud"
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A man avoids jail time with plea deal after shooting his girlfriend in the face. Maybe. She also might have shot herself but wasn't sure. Yes, alcohol was involved
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Behold the majesty that is chocolate flavored fried chicken. CHOCOLATE FLAVORED FRIED CHICKEN
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If you're a male teacher, it's never appropriate to forcibly remove a female student's shirt in class. Especially if she's a kindergartener
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Syrian rebels can't decide on whether to keep getting their asses kicked or to take their ball and go...well they don't really have homes anymore, but you get what I mean
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My name is Dominick Gambino. You ruined my credit. Prepare to be investigated by the Secret Service, Experian
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Doctor who killed patient sues the dead guy's sons for making him late for dinner as a result
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If you have ever followed career advice along the lines of "do what you love," then congratulations; you are a devalued, oftentimes mocked drone who is part of the problem. Or so says this columnist
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In case you think ice cream isn't awesome enough, here's how you can carbonate it
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Photoshop Theme: You're gonna need a bigger __________. Difficulty: No boats
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Who doesn't love going to the Waffle House completely wasted to gorge on food? But come on, a $1,666 bill is a bit ridiculous
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Rest easy, Philly - the Swiss Cheese Pervert has been apprehended. Still at large in the area, though, are the dreaded Upper Darby Double Gloucester Dolphin-Flogger and the Pennsauken Pecorino Pud-Pounder
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Bill Gates backs UK scientists in new project to develop renewable energy from human waste, but wants them to come up with a better name than "Golden Power"
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\(•_•)ノデ═一
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NYC police can no longer sleep with cemetery residents
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78-year-old woman has genius idea of abseiling down chimney to retrieve lost glasses. What could go wrong?
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Neighborhood complaining about the noise and possible danger of the local gun club they built their houses around
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Caption this pic of our very fine VP and his very fine lady friend as they sit in his very fine ride. Very fine
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A mere 95% of ATMs in the world are still operating on Windows XP, but don't worry, your money is perfectly safe
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The biggest threats that could destroy the world in 2014. Sleep tight
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It's soothing to know that during last week's polar-vortex police personnel were at-the-ready to assist in case of an emergency... that is if they're not busy playing video poker on their laptop while driving in near blizzard-like conditions
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The latest fashion trend for mannequins -- from Merkin Apparel
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Everything on this 1991 Radio Shack advertisement you can now do on your phone. Please enter your phone number before reading the article
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Have you SEEN the president of Argentina? I don't mean that as in "Hey check out this hot milf," no one has seen her in over a month
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Woman leaves her two young children alone in 38 degree weather while she goes a) into the 7-11, b) to get her nails done, c) hog hunting
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Thinking about reheating that pizza? YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG
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After years of taking private companies public, SUN Microsystems co-founder and venture capitalist now wants to take a public beach private
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Unexpected benefit of banning smoking in jail "From our point of view, if a prisoner is concentrating on smuggling in tobacco other than ice or marijuana, that has got to be a good thing"
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'Mule Man' lives outdoors with his two pack animals in a Los Angeles suburb
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| Thu January 16, 2014 |
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French drink more whiskey than Americans. Jim Beam surrenders
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Ohio car salesman sent to hospital after customer's pet spider monkey bites him
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Silicon Valley's arsonist/sex offender looks exactly like you would expect him to
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Last year Spain became the first country in the world to get most of its electricity from wind. But our drinking water is combustible so we have that going for us
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God's match for a 66-year-old woman on ChristianMingle.com turns out to be a Nigerian scammer who scammed her out of $500,000
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West Virginia emergency officials: About those tanker trucks that were distributing clean water? Seems that maybe, possibly we filled them with water from the contaminated water plant. Was that wrong? Should we not have done that?
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Admit it: You want to be a Bro, but you're worried that deep down you might just be a Douche. No worries, Bro, the BroBible will make clear the line *Brofist*
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When they talk about spending more time with your children, they typically don't mean by having them help you beat the manager of the store you just robbed
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PSA: Do not shave DAS AUTO into DAS HAIR
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Yea um... I'll have the number 1.... Yea super size it.... And a, ummm, Diet Coke
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Leak reveals that the NSA reads over 200 million text messages a day, nearly approaching the rate of the average teenage girl
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In 1992, Nickelodeon buried a time capsule not to be opened until 2042. Let's cheat and see what's inside
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Your state is strapped for cash. Clearly, the correct solution is to spend $2.8 million on signs welcoming people visiting said state
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Photoshop this unhappy couple
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Smartphones keep getting smarter, but their users stay pretty much as dumb as they ever were
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Bad acid trip? Don't worry, there's a whole community of Internet strangers here to coach you through it
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What medieval armor worn by women really looked like; Skyrim modders clutching their knees are disappointed
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The smog situation in China is finally starting to clear up. Just kidding. They've resorted to playing sunrise on big TV screens so people can still see it
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Not News: US criticized for interfering on the world stage. Fark You Guys: For having the audacity to include openly gay people as part of the US delegation to the Olympics
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The good news is the wart on your finger is gone. The bad news is your hand is on fire
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Fark Food Thread: What makes a good soup? Is your go-to soup hearty or lighter fare? Have a tried-and-true recipe or do you just use whatever's handy? Help keep us warm now and all year long with your recipes
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Possible plea expected in hammer beating death. I expect it to be something to the effect of, "OUCH STOP HITTING ME WITH A HAMMER PLEASE"
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Smokers (and swallowers, I guess) rejoice. Apparently you can now wash your lungs
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ORA.tv folks also have a news video show - I'm so dumb I didn't realize the presenter wasn't the same gal from the WTFark Pilot #3 earlier. This one's about gummy bear laxatives -Drew
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For those of you that always wanted to be a Mermaid or Aquaman....here you go
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Photoshop this majestic cock
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Environmental activist known as Reverend Billy, faces a year in prison for rioting. What did he and other protesters do? They dressed like frogs, danced and sang songs in front of JP Morgan Chase Bank to protest their stance on climate change
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| (homelife) |
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How to grow passionfruit, the ultimate defence against home invaders when bananas fail
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Drug companies won't let you use their products to execute people anymore, do you C) mix up your own brew and hope it doesn't leave people gasping and choking for 15 minutes before they die
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| (ACEP) |
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Guess the grade of our nation's emergency departments? C) not C
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Doomsday Prepper should have prepared for PMITA, him being a convicted sex offender felon using his guns on the TV and whatnot
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Florida wants to raise the speeds from 70 to 75 mph on 4 lanes which is what most people drive anyway
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Hey everyone - here's pilot #3 for a Fark video project (with Mike Phirman), let me know what you think -Drew
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Two classics melded into one. Meet the Boomerang Molotov Cocktail
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Latest invention set to snatch away market share? The Vagina Toaster
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Break-In thwarted when man pulls door marked 'Push'
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We all have strange, forgotten things lurking in the back of our refrigerators. Hopefully, unlike this police department, that doesn't include untested rape kits from 2005
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College students getting married earlier, thus moving average age of first divorce down to 24
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If I've skimmed this editorial correctly, and I believe that I have, then Al-Queda is getting ready to open a bunch of Chick-fil-a restaurants
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"Don't lie on your MBA application," says writer completely unfamiliar with the kinds of people who get MBAs
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The US healthcare system may be screwed up, but at least our hospital computers don't send racist passwords to black patients
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After Freedom Industries' chemicals made half the state's water completely unusable, WV regulators decide it's probably good idea to do a few inspections at ALL their facilties, and shockingly, find tons of other chemical storage violations
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When breast cancer and chemotherapy leaves you bald, what better way to pass the time while beating it than photographing yourself with your hair growing back day-by-day
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Why did 100 chickens cross the road in Ohio? To move into some dead guy's place on the other side and start terrorizing the street
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Jenna Jameson doll stolen in Florida. Cops say this case could really blow up
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Pro tip: even if you're really hungry, don't just go to lunch, leaving your patient on the table with his heart hanging out
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I'll have a big mac, large fries, a coke, and gimme one of those bags of heroin
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Protip: Before carrying out your criminal master plan, learn to drive a stick
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Pregnant woman says she has developed a taste for eating the contents of baby's diapers, doesn't realize Taco Bell cornered the market on this years ago
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CNN's president says MSNBC's bad programming choices hurt its brand, and if anyone knows about bad programming choices it's the president of CNN
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| (Some Guy) |
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Montreal real estate market collapsing so quickly that this 'Al Louer' guy seems to own most of the Montreal buildings these days. His signs are just everywhere
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The Volcker Rule, intended to prevent banks from gambling with customers' money, is being weakened after banks complained they can't gamble with customers' money
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U.S mint wants you to have brown nickels to go along with your gold $1 coins
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And the number one state for foreclosures is...oh, you saw the tag already. DAMMIT
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Woman killed by bolt of lightning at Brazilian beach. This being the 21st century, someone caught it on camera (sfw)
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Facing theft charges for shoplifting $2,500 of stuff from Macy's? Fake your death, get caught, go to court, and carve up your arms with a pen
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Call centers use artificial empathy program to determine a caller's mood and personality, enabling cable companies to tell whether a customer is angry, furious or just irate
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Dude, you need to blow more than a .12 to act like this
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Living in a country run by the narco cartels and facing murder each day, devoutly Catholic Mexicans turn away from God and start to worship St. Death (pics)
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Police say body of man washed up on beach matches description of man seen earlier walking into the sea, although witnesses indicate the man wasn't dead then
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The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists would like to remind you that WE ARE ALL 5 MINUTES FROM DOOOOOOM... still
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Finally somebody has filled that void in the literary universe and re-imagined 'Pride and Prejudice' from a cat's point of view
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Taking a page from TotalFark, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki posts his Weapons Wish List just in case, you know, America feels like buying him anything
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Strangest crime involving mayonnaise you'll read about. Ever
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If you're a politician forced to resign because of sexual harassment accusations, but continue to claim it was simply mutual banter, make sure there aren't any videos
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Most Washington DC residents are very sensitive about the height of their phallus and don't want anything built that might threaten it
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Rats might be disgusting, disease-ridden vermin, but according to a new study they are also very social and possess a keen sense of empathy, which makes them quite similar to the Kardashian family
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Pro tip: don't take selfies of yourself and your partner getting frisky in your birthday suits with a stolen smart phone before disabling the automatic upload function of the camera
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The New York Times has has has mistakes on its front page every day for a century, unlike Fark, where mistakes ARE the front page
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Pimpin' ain't easy, especially when your client is a deranged lunatic running a hellhole so bad, it has its own classification of hellhole
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Half of U.S. counties haven't recovered from the recession. The other half are still waiting to get out of the depression
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Penny stock Nestor (NEST) surges 1900% after confusion with the Google/Nest deal. Jordan Belfort pockets a quick $19 million
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Free tickets for concert to benefit November tornado victims have been scooped up by StubHub and other third-party scalpers. Some people have a problem with this
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If you want to take pictures of smiling, happy babies rather than screaming sacks of meat in absorbant pants, tickle the infants lightly with a warm hair dryer (with photo evidence)
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"I'm From West Virginia and I've Got Something to Say About the Chemical Spill." You WILL want to subscribe to Eric Waggoner's newsletter after reading this
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Officials bust yet another international pedophile ring. Notice anyone missing today?
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A looker, a shiner, and a punch in the nose (this week's mugshot roundup)
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34 Air Force officers in the nuclear force aim high, text each other answers on a proficiency test
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It's been a year since the completion of Washington DC's Beltway Express Lanes project, which constructed miles of parallel asphalt for drivers willing to pay to use them. The verdict? Well, at least now something makes Obamacare's numbers look good
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Not everyone is impressed by the PR Pope. UN asks Vatican why it is still covering up child abuse
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Photoshop theme: Design the cover of the next best-selling conspiracy book
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The word 'news' has been so devalued and debased that a passed-out moron bent backwards on a toilet is now a breaking story (w/ pics of our little newsmaker here)
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Beijing's air downgraded to "fluffy dirt"
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| (Guy Some) |
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Much like the Politics tab, babies fake the butthurt all the time
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Adam Lanza called a radio station before the Newtown massacre. It's just as creepy as suspected
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It turns out there's a middle-eastern country with a stockpile of nukes that includes weapons-grade uranium stolen from a processing plant in Pennsylvania
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Good News: You can use your government-issued EBT card at Colorado marijuana stores. Bad News: You have a government-issued EBT card
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Hershey's unveils their own answer to Nutella
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Pope Francis sacks Cardinals, is immediately signed by St. Louis Rams
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PROTIP: 'Pet rescue' does not involve throwing a rock through a pet store window
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While your kid was playing with his toy trucks this Christmas, this kid was sorting shiat out under the UK government's Cobra Committee
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Here's a chart illustrating the healthy/ideal food intake for typical adult Americans compared to actual consumption covering just about every type of edible out there. Hmm. Oh LORD. Well... good job on the potatoes guys. We really nailed that one
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You know what they say about men with big feet don't you? You don't? Maybe you should read some of my Bigfoot fanfic?
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 454: "Nighty Night". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed January 15, 2014 |
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What happens when a BBC Daily Politics show debate is interrupted by Queen's 1970s hit Fat Bottomed Girls? Hilarity
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Stupid: Taking a selfie. Stupider: Taking a selfie with the security camera of the house you're burglarizing. With deer in headlights pic
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Bad: Police find man too drunk to walk home. Good: They give him a lift home and leave him a note for when he sobers up. Fark: They sign it Cagney and Lacey
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From the "Almost news, but isn't but really it is, but not" Department: Beef may or may not be getting more expensive
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Colorado airport employee takes a break from marveling at his collection of shampoo and pocket knife key-chains and realizes there's no reason to waste all that pot travelers throw away before passing through security
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Mother files human rights lawsuit because school won't accommodate her daughter's allergies. Fark: she wants the school to ban all milk and egg products. Super-Ponzi Bonus: school already bans nuts
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Photoshop this typical Russian soldier relaxing in the snow
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Healthy 21-year-old movie theater concession stand worker dies of the flu. EVERYBODY PANIC
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Man captures runaway bull with: A) red cape, B) sexy heifer, or C) vodak-soaked grain
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Navy F/A-18E crashes off the coast of Virginia Beach
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Nanny state police question mom because her daughter looked. A) Malnourished B) Abused C) Cold
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How to be French: eat cheese, arrive late, and cheat on your spouse
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So you're standing in an Arby's bathroom stall during the dinner rush. You're covered in red dye, furiously trying to flush $5800 cash down the toilet and wondering why the hell you didn't check to see if the getaway car was working BEFORE the heist
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Good news: Len Peralta, creator of the Geek A Week card set, is back with a Kickstarter to make a second set. Pledge as little as $5 to help him do it. Bonus: Drew is one of the honorees
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Where does a man wearing woman's underwear busted for a driving infraction go for his bail money? Why, Big Johnson Bail Bonds, of course
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Federal judge rules that Monsanto can sue farmers for the wind
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Pentagon investigating Marines who prevented insurgents from returning as White Walkers
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If you snatch a purse in a mall food court where 26 police officers are training, you're going to have a bad time
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Pardon me, but does this yogurt taste like tilapia to you?
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What's an UFIA worth? In New Mexico, $1.6 million
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NJ courts declare all parents from '80s and earlier were child abusers
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When it comes to maternity leave, the US is grouped with the coalition of the where the fark are these countries
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not news: Mississippi lawmaker proposes pants-on-head retarded gun law. News: This time it's a Democrat
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McDonalds to stingy Korean pensioners: "You go now. You be here four hour"
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Girl Scouts USA defends the sale of dozens of historic Girl scout Camps to developers saying that girls just aren't interested in camping anymore. Besides, every minute those loafers spend lounging in a tent is a minute they aren't selling cookies
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Photoshop this amusing road sign
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And how does that make you feel?
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"Groh says his client is an experienced gunman who can 'shoot where he aims,' so there's a good reason no one was seriously hurt in the 2012 attacks." Oh, well, so it's all OK that he used cars on a freeway for target practice, then?
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Old and busted: Drunk dialing your ex-girlfriend. New and fresh: Drunk driving your car into your ex-girlfriend's home
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Exactly what the NSA wants you to think
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McDonald's isn't the reason why your kid is fat. You are
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A guide on how to talk to a woman without complimenting her hair or clothes. Uhhh...."nice ass?" Oh, hold on, it's a guide for women talking to other women. Uhhh..."do you like girls?"
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President Obama announces he will consider taking military action in Congress if the fighting there continues to escalate
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Math proves your Facebook friends really are richer and happier than you. Thanks for nothing, math
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The pickup lines you're totally getting wrong, dude
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How secure is our weapons-grade uranium complex in Knoxville, Tennessee? So secure that it was broken into by 83-year-old antiwar activist and nun Sister Megan Rice
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Kittens stage a 'break in' at upstate NY prison, overwhelm guards with....cuteness
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Only 27 percent of new parents are compulsive, self-absorbed attention whores
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It was five years ago today that Capt. Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger III landed in the Hudson saving the lives of 155 passengers and crew, but since retiring he's taken up a new cause: Being an advocate for patient safety in America's hospitals
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The lawyer for the ex-cop who shot and killed a man in a Florida movie theater may use the Stand Your Ground defense because the victim "threw an unknown object" at the defendant. That "object?" It was likely popcorn
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Old & busted: Old man yelling at cloud. New: Old man shooting icicles off his house with handgun
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Woman dies peacefully at home, of cancer, after first throwing a goodbye party that lasted an entire month
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Bad news for therapist.co.uk
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No-fault divorce makes splitting up too easy say judges, who want to hang a critical "bad-thinking" clause on at least one half of the couples and shame them for it
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40,000 pounds of chicken attempt to cross Interstate 285, with obvious results
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Deaf man beaten by cops for not listening
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The city of Alexandria, VA is considering the repeal of an old law that forces it to name all North-South streets after racist traitors
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Worked in Broadcasting? Ever wonder how those idiots in sales ever sold anything? You were right
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Would-be carjacker takes water truck on police chase (and rocks impressive face tattoo)
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Mmm sugary and quite fizzy which settles into a vanilla, offset by the bitterness of caffeine with notes of nutmeg, lime and echos of cranberries
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Congratulations, North Dakota, on having the worst reproductive rights in the nation. Nice try, Mississippi, really good effort, maybe next year
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Whatever YOU consider a bad day at work probably doesn't involve being impaled by a long piece of rebar. Completely through your head. This guy's did, and he lived (pics)
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Repair shop employee takes customer's car on a joyride and wrecks it twice. Repair shop: "Tough luck"
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Educational Credit Management Corporation: "So you finally got your student loans paid off, huh? Not so fast there, sparky"
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Drinking alcohol doesn't kill brain cells, but it does make them deaf to one another. "DRINK"
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Guy falls through the ceiling of a golf shop, acts completely casual about it. Unknown if he was carrying a poodle in one hand and a three-foot salami in the other
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Meanwhile in Canada: "Excuse me sir, there's a pipe bomb in your book bag." "Oh, there is? Sorry." "That's okay, sir. Enjoy your flight"
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Toronto District School Board experiments with "separate but equal". That's whack
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What to look for in your cat's tail to see if she's expressing confidence and excitement or if she's so annoyed she'll claw your eyes out if you get too close
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Photoshop these people performing a puffin survey
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Poland announces its expeditiionary force of eight guys will be leaving Afghanistan not only sooner than planned but as soon as they can get on a plane
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Congress finally does something right, not only restoring funding to NASA but scolding the space agency for raiding planetary science. Europa Clipper is go for science
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Finally, here are the actual 24 steps that one must go through in order to fall in love properly
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Proving he's a Catholic version of Hugh Hefner, Pope Francis invites heterosexual couples to come party at his pad on Valentine's Day
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How the European Union has not brought Europeans together - they can't even agree how to say 'cat.' Here's a cool interactive map that shows how different countries pronounce the word and you can show off your shiny new knowledge on Caturday
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The NSA has secret chips inside at least 100,000 computers around the world that let it monitor everything the user does. They pinky swear that there are none in the US, though, so no worries
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It's not a good idea to try and steal from a private investigator. They'll definitely notice if their almonds are missing
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You may think that owning a stun gun is going to make it easier to win arguments with your wife, but you are wrong. Ask this idiot
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Battle between a squid and an owlfish caught on video. SyFy Channel already trying to buy the rights
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Man sues over laptop sold without a modem, wins £116,000. Apeals for more, loses everything. Next stop, Supreme Court for the last roll of the dice
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Bad: You're a city cop on a manhunt. The pressure has you feeling anxious and afraid. Good: The DA says you can pretty much shoot at anyone one you want without any repercussions
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You think you've got a tough job? At least you don't have to try and convince Americans to stop eating so much damn shrimp
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You can now legally carry guns on colleges campuses across the already dangerous state of Florida
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You might have too much time on your hands if you spend weeks tracking a grackle living inside a Walmart. "It's been gaining some weight. Definitely not a vegan"
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Defectors are smuggling James Bond into North Korea on secret missions to destabilize the regime
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In perhaps its dying gasp, PCWorld picks the most anticipated games of 2014, still anticipating titles on PCs or consoles while hopelessly denying the gathering Cloud storm
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"You know, sonny, when I was young, we didn't have all these mass shootings like you have today". Yeah, about that
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Parrot squeals on owner stopped at alcohol checkpoint, tells police "he's drunk"
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The coolest thing ever was made by a janitor at a Japanese university. COOLEST EVER
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A shark species that was thought to be extinct has been rediscovered... by accident in a Kuwait fish market
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"Hi, I'm from the IRS. You owe $3,854, but send me that amount as pre-paid cards and I won't have you arrested, OK?"
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If you're missing your WWI Italian soldier these glacier explorers have some bad news for you
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Told by his doctor that he needs a liver transplant to survive, man goes to the bar with his wife looking for a threesome. Then things get weird
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Marijuana farmer pro tip: Ask yourself if your growth operation is located in Colorado or Washington. If the answer is no to both, do not give "tours" of your crops on YouTube asking for donations
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Problem: high schools are under fire for low graduation rates. Solution: send the cheer squad and other athletes to an elementary school to show those snot-nosed little kids that high school isn't boring, and....legs. Lots of legs
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Supermarket runs ad to welcome back students to majority-black Howard University. Fark: Using a stock photo of a white woman
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CCW holder decides to leave his gun locked up safely at home during trip to Maryland. That's an arrestin'
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