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| Sun October 20, 2013 |
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Björn Borg to deposit 450 pairs of sexy underwear on Pyongyang, to foster world peace and gain world attention for firm's line of underpants
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Car thief falls asleep in stolen vehicle
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"An investigation revealed the Iowa State Police pulled over more out-of-state vehicles than in-state vehicles"
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Should you take care of your 94-year-old mother because a.) it's the right thing to do, b.) she gave you life, or c.) otherwise she'll sue?
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If you're the chairman of the board at a college, you should probably avoid sending emails featuring jokes about erectile dysfunction, breast size, and pictures that compare naked women to various animals
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| (Some Guy) |
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Welcome to the nightmare fuel that is the street-apes of Jakarta
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Biggest Swedish swingers party ever has to limit RSVPs to 300 participants, due to licensing regulations. "The event coincides with the party conference for the Moderate party"
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"Clearly, this young man should have heeded the warnings of the home owner to leave his residence and to stop sleeping with his wife"
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Guy calls 911 after Slender Man shows up in his bushes
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A very special Halloween Photoshop contest: As realistically as possible, fake a ghost photo
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Witness a fiery crash, pull a man from a burning vehicle, hop back in your truck and finish your deliveries--all in a day's work for this driver
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Police: He came at us with a knife so we shot him. Video camera: He stood up and looked at you and you shot him
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Canada, really? Sending 700 police officers to a town of 800 people to stop anti-fracking protests?
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Family of arrested Greenpeace captain claims they had no way of knowing ahead of time that the Russians were assholes
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Law school grad, who mass emailed members of Delaware Bar pics of his biceps in bid for job, ups his attention whoring by sending out another email with links to his nude selfies, in order to draw attention to his new cause
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Chubby guy who trashed 2,000-lb Utah landmark in viral video confronted about his recent lawsuit alleging "debilitating injuries" from four-year old accident: "You don't have my authority to put this online"
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Want to 'bribe' a woman for a date? There's an app for that. Just bring a carrot and your stick
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Upwards of 1,500 buildings in LA may be at risk of collapsing in a major quake, but we can't tell you which one because lawyers
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This is not a repeat of a giant sea monster being found
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Photoshop this person with heating pipes
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If you don't attend Jury Duty you go to jail, but bringing your infant that you have no where else to leave, also goes to jail, but if you left the baby alone...You can't win in Missouri
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Deputies stumble upon 40 pounds of blue meth. Walter White lives, biatch
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1950s scientists somehow cured polio without their Facebook post getting 10,000 "likes" first. Those were strange times
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Hey let's try the Oktoberfest diet, where it is nothing but beer and sausage for your diet
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Flashback: Celebrating 50 years of beautiful with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit magazine
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Turkey makes a giant leap into the 21st century by finally legalizing (a) bras (b) miniskirts, or (c) Q, W, and X
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You're a convicted murderer who successfully forged court documents that allowed you to escape prison, and now you're on the lam with a head start. Do you a) stay in the same state b) stay in the same state c) stay in the same state
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So, you've got your time machine built and ready. You've set it for the Civil War era. Now grab this map so you know where you can safely spread pollen without getting a nasty bug
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Six out of ten Pakistani terrorists surveyed said they plan to continue terrorizing things. The other four recommended Dentyne for their victims who chew gum
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Take a break from your busy life and quietly admire these photos of the Welsh countryside at night for a while
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Two words that you never want to see in the same headline: "penis" and "gnawing"
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Dude looks like a lady
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Tropical Storm Raymond is here, and contrary to belief, Mexico does not love him
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Photoshop this lady ignoring her fishy doom
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Attention Walmart shoppers: Please do not feed the alligator as you leave the store today
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Better signs in parks can increase physical exercise by up to 12%. Especially signs that say "Beware of mountain lions and wandering black bears"
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Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants you to know that if you're looking for affordable housing in his city...well then, Detroit and Cleveland are due west
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Man lives without electricity for three years because he refuses to pay energy firm £70 to repair his meter, survives on corned beef sandwiches, reads by torchlight. Why? Because fark those greedy bastards, that's why (w/pics)
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New drivers are now required to play a board game in order to get their license. SORRY
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Dude didn't mark it zero
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BART train strikes back
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Reason #14,876 to be scared of clowns
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| Sat October 19, 2013 |
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Textbook publishers refuse to include creationism in science textbooks because "we're not in the business of publishing fiction." Naturally, this has pissed off some Christians
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Doctors ordered be nice to people who have inadvertently added too many calories to their diet on a consistent basis
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Woman decides that her status as a trusted police informant would allow her to get inside information from police, including how she could contact a reliable hit man to take out her husband
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Lost love letter written 63 years ago finds its way to its intended recipient
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It's hard to put a price on judges selling innocent kids to jails for profit. But not really. It's $2.5 million
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Photoshop this potentially fatal moment
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G G G G Ghost Ship
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A life-sized unicorn cake, filled with RAINBOWS. It simply does not get any better than this. Ever
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You think YOUR neighborhood is bad? Ariel Castro's neighbor arrested for kidnapping, rape, and murder of multiple women
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Plane carrying skydivers crashes in Belgium, killing all 11 on board. If only ... never mind
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US troops are being sent to Romania. Ignore the official reasons given for this -- it's all about hunting vampires
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"I'm concerned about the blueberries" billboard on I-69 puzzles Michiganders. Some say it's a drug reference. Others think it's about school funding, bees, the ACA, or a Banksy thing. And quite a few think it has something to do with blueberries
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Photoshop this child of the corn
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Grandmother blames a certain well-known video game after her 13-year-old grandson steals car and leads police on chase
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Good: Man wins lawsuit after cop uses excessive force. Bad: City refuses to pay. Fark: Because cop was not authorized to use excessive force
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If you're reading this headline right now, you probably don't have Time Warner Cable
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Eleven reasons you should drink coffee every single day, as if you needed a justification for your java juice jamboree
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Have Another Hit of Fresh Air: Scientists are now 95 percent certain that humans don't give a damn about global warming
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You can't have any pudding if you don't eat your meat--or if you try to chainsaw your way back into the restaurant
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"Burritos are a sad attempt to regain control in a world increasingly influenced by women...these cushions of rice, beans and meat actually constitute a matrix of male oppression -- a distillation of the white man's rejection of modernity"
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Not news: woman arrested for drunk driving; News: after driving across front lawn in middle of night; FARK: the front lawn of NY State Police headquarters
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Officer McGuiness has been an excellent employee, except for the reality show audition striptease video. Other than that, excellent
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The Romney clan loves them some Pinterest. What could possibly go really, really weird?
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What happens when a Renaissance Faire closes for good, but no one tears down the faux-Middle Ages buildings? Funny you should ask
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Turns out the fee to join the Mile High Club is only $250. Though, unlike all those videos subby watched, the hot stewardess won't join in
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North Korea just opened up a water park and it was just as weird and staged as you probably imagined
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The '80's called. They want their "Members Only" jacket back
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We have your house surrounded. This is the College of Dental Surgeons. Put the toothbrush down on the ground and then place your hands on your head
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Photoshop this boy and his big umbrella
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Ever wonder what your choice of cocktail says about you? Let's just put it this way: Be afraid, mojito-drinker. Be very afraid
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May I have the envelope please ... and the Lifetime Achievement Award goes to Grumpy Cat, for ... being a cat? Includes bonus videos of some of the runners up, just in time for Caturday
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Faith in humanity restored. Please retain this feeling until next soul crushing link
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Man accused of stealing rental bikes. No word why he didn't abscond with reliable, sensible transportation like cars
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You remember that waitress who got $10K in tips after a customer wrote a racial slur on the tip line? Turns out that customer didn't do it. I wonder who it could have been
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Honestly, who throws a sandwich
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New details emerge in the Sandy Hook shooting, and they're more heartbreaking and terrifying that you could have ever imagined
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| Fri October 18, 2013 |
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Calling yourself a faith healer who can cure cancer? That's a smitin'
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Police investigate how a baby girl got burned in a car seat placed atop a cooking stove. Gee, maybe it was because the car seat was placed atop A COOKING STOVE
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Giant mining corporation spends million buying 28 square miles of pristine wilderness adjacent to Glacier National Park, plans to fully exploit ground by setting it aside for wildlife conservation--wait, what?
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Ceiling cat is watching you masturbate. Cannabis cat is watching you reach for the Doritos
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Violin played by Titanic bandmaster as the ship sank goes up for auction. Nearer my cod to thee
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Researchers discover that all mammals take about 21 seconds to pee - unless they've been drinking beer
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Photoshop this suffering starlet
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Not news: traveler with carry-on bag at La Guardia; News: loaded gun in bag; FARK: traveler is from Gun Barrel City, Texas
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Matt Drudge can take my salsa from my cold, dead, zesty hands
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Good: HIV vaccine proves successful in human trials. Bad: Vaccines cause mental retardation. Potato: FRUIT ROLL-UPS
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Just announced: Canada has reached a free trade agreement with the European Union. Subby wants 246 kinds of cheese, an ungovernable country, and French standards of medicare
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U.S. debt jumps a record $328 billion, Thursday. A hundred billion here and a hundred billion there and pretty soon you're talking about real money
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Decided to have an abortion did you? I guess you won't be wanting those other children you've already had, we'll be taking those from you
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If you fail your driving test four times, you should a) try again. b) give up. c) set yourself on fire
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Woman has rare genetic disease changing her into Weeping Angel. Trying to combat change by becoming Cyberman. Don't blink
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This montage of local news anchors all having the identical reaction to Mike Myers fathering a child proves once and for all that local news anchors are pod people sent by aliens to destroy us all
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What's the worst part of a grocery store? When the grocery cart wheel clogs up, or when some douche is clogging up the middle aisle?
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And now a word from our sponsors. And a guy named Dick Colon
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Photoshop these frightened farmers
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If you want to stay employed at Walmart, don't do anything outside your job description, like help a customer fend off an assault and kidnapping. Just collect those carts, boy
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Go home, solar system, you're drunk
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These Florida elementary kids are learning how to cultivate indoor plants using grow lights. Hmmm
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Turns out, I DON'T want to fark you like an animal
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Couple sells their kid to pay for iPhone, no longer needs to purchase a family plan
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Men with guns probably gunmen
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This is what happens when they take away your Saturn plant: Spring Hill, TN holds prom in new Wal-Mart
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Apparently, if you make up the prices, you can eat on $50/week in groceries
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Don't look now, but it's time for the Fark Weird News Quiz. Sponsored this week by bourbon, pizza, and the Freedom From Pants Foundation
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"Banksy may be the hero Gotham deserves, but he's not the one it needs right now, or something, according to the NYPD, which is making his arrest a top priority"
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Remember when M.A.D.D. was against kids driving drunk, instead of a sanctimonious bunch of neo-prohibitionists?
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Which is worse: A)You drop your wedding ring down the toilet & have to tell your wife. B)Drop it down the toilet, try to get it yourself, get your hand stuck, be rescued by the fire department, shamed on the internet & still having to tell your wife
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Investigators are trying to figure out how a man sitting in between the rails of an oncoming train with a sleeping bag and bottle of liquor nearby may have died. How hard is your job?
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12 awesome ways to make your dog hate you
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Larry Flynt says he doesn't want to see man get injected, claims he's just not into that sort of thing
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THE HORROR -- also, who's up for fried chicken for lunch?
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Three-legged cat thief writes taunting letter to owner from his missing cat
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Local news team investigates why a video of a naked female college student frolicking in a fountain quickly received 1-million hits after it was posted online. "And now we know why"
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"A work crew was dispatched immediately to circumcise it"
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Robbery victim watching amateur rap videos on YouTube: Wait a minute, those are the guys that tied me up and stole all my stuff
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Things break bad for police after they arrest a Brooklyn man for walking around with a bag full of Jolly Ranchers. Here's your lawsuit bi**ch
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6 killed and officer injured in crash in Ohio. If this was Boston, we'd have 6 people dead via the crash and 40 more injured from the ensuing brawl
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India arrests ships crew for carrying weapons to defend themselves from pirates. You're not helping
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Look, Ma - no hands
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Meanwhile, in Japan (may be Not safe for work)
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Kremlin flag experts determine Jewish autonomous flag to be not gay; still no ruling on flag experts
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What happens when middle aged white women get their hair did
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Quick tip: If your dad is letting you host huge parties at your gun-filled house and sell marijuana to your friends, don't post hundreds of pictures online. 'Cause, you know, the cops look there sometimes
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Maybe the problem isn't that there are too many bullies out there. Maybe the problem is that we've got entirely too many pansies
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Woman charged for allegedly stealing $2.87 in coins from a fountain. An online campaign to raise money for her has collected more than $8,000
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Sales of fox costumes have risen steadily over the past few weeks, and credit is being given to the video for What Does the Fox Say, though it's clear analysts aren't familiar with the concept of furries
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Man who "stood his ground" against teen's loud music has a whoopsie
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The delicious new way to ruin your health at the State Fair. the $20 "Big D's Double Doozie". Double-decker caramel apples, dipped in chocolate, covered in candy and truffles, topped by a Hostess Ding Dong, on a steeek, that takes an hour to assemble
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Modern Poverty: Almost half of Public School students are now low-income ..... students from low-income families tend to end up parents of low-income families
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The nation's smallest town has been bought by a Vietnamese entrepreneur. Buford, Wyoming, population 1, will now be PhinDeli Town Buford, Wyoming
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Preparing dinner for friends while sitting on the toilet? "That's okay, don't get up. "
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Saudi Arabia rejects UN security council seat, since they already own the US and don't want to stack the deck
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You know you're going to a pretty cool middle school if the teachers let students smoke on the playground because it helps keep the kids from sneaking off campus to smoke
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BART workers to management: Eat our shorts
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Dick who supervised the soldiers that had the balls to make the urination video has finally pissed off the wrong people is to be discharged. Serves the prick right to get a flogging like that
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A referendum for Catalan independence is looking ever more likely. Basques could then follow suit. The unthinkable could happen and Spain could fall apart
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They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom, For trying to change the system from within....First we take Changsha; Then we Take Beijing
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"I do own a driving license, that of my kingdom," - The self-proclaimed 'King of Germany' who has founded his own realm with 3,500 subjects has been sent to jail for using a fake driving license...from his own kingdom
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Don't do a drug deal in middle of the city's busiest shopping mall if there's a chance you won't be able to agree on the price
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What are you supposed to do when you sign up for a class only to discover your professor has vowed to live and teach from inside a dumpster for a year?
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Former vintner fined $250 after some in-flight grape squeezing
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You might just think you're sick of Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up," but that's only because you've never heard it sung completely in Klingon. We can fix that
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We have a new contender for World's Dumbest Criminal after assistant manager at Rite Aid unlocks state lottery machine via fingerprint scanner and steals $6,000
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As with most things, the Japanese have taken Halloween to a whole new level of weird
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Norway starts investigating Nairobi mall siege, because when you think Kenyan rebels, you think Scandinavia
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ProTip: When appearing before a Judge for sentencing don't wear your 'Snitches Get Stitches' T-shirt, even if it is fresh
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I have no idea what you're talking about, so here's A Day in the Life of Naked Chicken
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'Vinnie' orders a stop on New Jersey municipalities to grant same-sex marriage applications or he will break some kneecaps
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Cops: "You have the right to remain silent---" Suspect: "I just wanted you to know I did it. I killed her." Cops: ".....*blink*.......okay"
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Photoshop this beachy keen bouy
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Man attacked for defacing a Banksy piece. Doesn't he know vandalism is illegal?
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Americans are still #1 at something: creating super-wealthy people. USA USA USA
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Perhaps the only worse thing than finding out that your housekeeper slept with all the men in the neighborhood is finding out she slept with all the men in the neighborhood in your bed
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I fantasize about group sex with old, obese men.... said no one ever
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You may be a teensy bit too obsessed with work if you didn't notice your husband is a meth addict, Madame Mayor. But throwing him under the bus is a nice touch
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Disgruntled ex-boyfriend left thousands of voicemails on his ex-girlfriend's phone, adds sound effects like gunshots in the background for that added criminal charge
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Female advice columnist: 'Don't drink if you don't want to get raped'
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Chicago deep dish pizza ranked the greatest state-based food in the entire U.S. Polite discourse to the right
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TSA Air Marshal takes "body scanning" to an entirely inappropriate level
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I don't care if it rains or freezes, long as I have a giant Jesus, shining through the windshield of my car
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Now that American micro-brewers are nearing Peak Hops, there's only one direction left for them to turn: sour
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Man, truth or dare was never like this when I was in school
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It always comes down to priorities, and scheduling. Either do the drug deal before or after it's time to pick your seven-year-old daughter at school. Scheduling conflicts can really become a pain in the ass
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| Thu October 17, 2013 |
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This is shocking: hell I didn't know Victoria's secret even CARRIED dead babies
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Man's partially eaten body found in a Detroit home ...... to the bunkers, everyone
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Bad: 870,000 Toyotas recalled. Worse: Because the airbag could randomly explode in your face. AGGHHH GET IT OFF ME: Because the cars may be infested with spiders. Sweet dreams
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"But what did she expect to happen at 1 a.m. in the morning after sneaking out? I'm not saying she deserved to be raped, but..." Do we even need to tell you what news channel aired that?
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Man flips cop the bird, hilarity ensues
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Your husband is in middle of giving his concession speech, after losing senate race. You reach out and gently rub his back to console him. Does he C: Promptly swat your hand away in front of everyone? w/vid
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This is a test of the emergency pancake notification system
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Schools adopt updated safety training in response to school shootings. And by "safety training," I mean "masked staff bursting into classrooms waving fake guns around"
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Dentist plans post-Halloween candy buy back program
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Seattle cops: Hey Canada, we found your missing sex offender, we're sending him your way. Canada: Nah, we're good. You can hold onto him
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BART unions, the highest-paid transit 'workers' in the country are going on strike tomorrow because, F--- you Bay Area, that's why
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Despite its intelligent and health conscious fan base, NASCAR introduces the Bacon Beer Milkshake
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Shoot first, ask questions later - Like why did a drunk guy crash into my house? Oh wait, he was drunk
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Photoshop this sunning senior
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Cancer charity Halloween display shut down by police for being too gory. If they think bloody mannequins are horrific, they should try chemo
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Little man in the boat overboard
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If preparing for that substitute teacher gig you landed requires you to shoot up heroin before class and then nod off at your desk, you may want to rethink your employment choices
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Here's a shocker: The biggest control freak in the known universe isn't a fan of Banksy
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There's nothing like being awakened at 2:30 am by a malfunctioning tornado siren
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The tables have turned, my American friends. Salsa is now the #1 condiment JA JA JA JA JA
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| (Some Guy) |
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Chipotle Employee: "Have a good evening, sir." Customer: "WHAT THE FARK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?" Chaos ensues
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Even Jersey Shore residents complain about the ugliness and the smell
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RCMP cruiser in flames as anti-fracking protest in New Brunswick turns uncharacteristically impolite
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Pretty rich snowflake not going to pretend she's like OMG NOT RICH to make the poors happy
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British Member of Parliament denounces hunt for topless photos of her as a 15-year-old. Make that "announces"
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If you're a grandmother it's understandable if you want to spend more time with your granddaughter. But that doesn't mean you should give her a baggie of cocaine to plant in her father's car so he'll get arrested and you'll be awarded custody of her
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| (Some Food Nut) |
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Fark Food Thread: It's that time of year, here comes the fall squash showcase. Enjoy the seeds from the pumpkins you carve up? Been waiting for good acorn squash to be ready? Bring out the squash recipes and help everyone enjoy the season
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Spiffy: During shutdown, EPA catches up on cleanup of hazardous waste dating back to the Clinton administration. Fark: soup in the employee lounge refrigerator with a 1997 expiration date
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Photoshop this briefs encounter
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Two men with the same ex-wife, extortion, blackmail, forcible sodomy, and object rape. "More unusual parts of the case" still to come
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Prepare your nuclear shelters or emergency space pods: Newly discovered asteroid could hit Earth in 2032
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#westsiiiide
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A helpful slideshow on 'how to waste time at work.' Since you're reading this on Fark, you probably don't need any help
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China downgrades U.S. credit rating from peking duck to egg rolls
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Replacing baristas with robots at Starbucks doesn't mean they will get your name right
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Actual headline: "Local law enforcement officials search for sex"
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Bad ass dude keeps alligator in his hot tub. Chuck Norris impressed
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Come for the pink Spidey-skirt, stay for the sassy anorexic Spidergirl
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It's not clear how many parrot egg omelettes ended up in the guy's underpants
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A natural gas pipeline, a megawatt power line, and a nuclear power plant all converge along a river upstream from New York City. What could possibly go wrong?
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Knox County mayor gives best interview ever about a bridge opening: "I mean, you couldn't sling a cat and hit a business down here. And I'm not for slinging cats, of course"
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Smokin' hot bride-to-be donates her lavish reception to a disability charity after her fiance bails on the wedding. Warning: OMG - 'what was he thinking?' pics included
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Remind me again, what's the radio code for "kangaroo loose on the tarmac"?
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"Not everyone has a problem with eroticized farm produce." But those that do can be bathtubs instead
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Women are picky and men will sleep with anything. Science
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Mugger: Gimme all your money. Victim: I'm a furloughed government employee, I don't have any money. Mugger: Fine, gimme your phone. Victim: Ok, but I work for the NSA, so they'll track it down in about ten minutes
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Laughter may be the best medicine, but that doesn't mean you should lock sick people in a cage with a hyena
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The wrong Halloween costume could affect your fertility, council warns
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NSA chief and top deputy expected to resign later this month in order to spend more time watching your family
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No one shushes the shusher. Unless it's the police, and then the shusher gets arrested
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Today is the 40th anniversary of the Arab oil embargo. If your account number is odd, click left now. If your account number is even, you may read the article tomorrow
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Man buys a car. Things quickly got weird
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You know your city's drainage system is old when scuba divers have to spend all day mapping out where the pipes go
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55 cases of Pappy Van Winkle 20-year-old bourbon stolen from Buffalo Trace in Kentucky. In a completely unrelated story, Drew Curtis curious if any Farkers could help him out with an alibi
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You want to do two girls at one time? Spend a little extra at your hairdresser
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""I wasn't drunk. I had only had two or three double vodkas with my lunch"
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Airman who dug tunnels in the great escape from Stalag Luft III is laid to rest. Or IS he?
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Cops suspect alleged copper wire thief found burning at electrical substation will end up being charged twice
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"I am curvaceous, be slow" and other road warnings that might make you crash
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Guinea pig dies in house fire, is relieved it won't have to star in another Eddie Murphy film
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Single woman wishing for a knight in shining armor throws fake wedding for herself. Knight in shining armor shows up
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Man inspired by the movie '101 Dalmatians' sets out to rescue 101 dalmatians, quickly discovers that Disney didn't accurately portray just how much crap 101 dalmatians can produce in a day
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A restaurant names their seal meat burger the 'Phoque Bardot Burger', after French actress Brigitte Bardot. I guess club sandwich was already used
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Woman accidentally texts deputy about drug deal. The question of why a drug dealer had a deputy in her contacts is still unanswered
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Search for Amelia Earhart to resume on remote Pacific Island. Others, however don't think it's worth looking for her atoll
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The train wasn't the only thing a-comin' down the tracks
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Old and busted: Property rights for humans. New hotness: Property rights for cats
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Wonder Woman, Superman and Batman team up together to take down a paedophile. This works as well as can be expected when the super trio are high on meth
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this downward path
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Since Ted Cruz has been such a success, GOP bringing more elephants in from Canada
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"Please excuse Charles Walker and Joseph Jenkins from their life sentences for murder. Signed, Epstein's mother." Department of Corrections: Seems legit
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Mobster on trial upset that prosecutors insinuate he killed for money; he vehemently denied those allegations and wanted the jury to know he only killed on principle
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Greenacres is the place to be. Wide open markets to rob the elderly. Convenient locations so your mother will pick you up after your attempted crime spree
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Where is the worst place in the world to be a Farker? Answer to the left, your suggestions to the right
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Sometimes that creepy guy in the park asking you to help look for his cat really just needs help finding his cat
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Old and busted: the high cost of living. New hotness: the high cost of dying
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Everybody knows New York is full of schist, but who knew it would take nearly 60 years to dig through it all?
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College student loses wallet--and then has it returned, with an extra $10 and an inspirational message tucked inside. WHAT SORCERY IS THIS--oh, it's Iowa, the bizarro state
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Mom serves rum and Coke to her kids in an effort to be cool, and I thought my mom was cool by giving me Stroh's beer and Pall Mall cigarettes
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Dad turns in exotic dancer who was sleeping with teenage son. Gee, THANKS, dad
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Sleeptexting is the newest threat to your sanity
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Your liver is a brain-eating zombie, best to kill it with vodak and such
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 442: "Train of Thought". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed October 16, 2013 |
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Actual headline: Ontario woman describes sex with priest as 'rough and weird'
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Vote to extend the CR and raise the debt ceiling passes the House, hallelujah
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Some companies that implement ideas from the suggestion box give the employee a plaque. Frito-Lay promotes them to executive vice-president, even if you were previously a janitor who never went to high school
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Drunk, naked and, bashing your boyfriend's van with a pink bat is no way to further your career at the Dept. of Children and Families
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Chooky Wooky the blind chicken plucked from the jaws of death by woman who spent three hours performing CPR after the bird fell in a swimming pool
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Low on nightmare fuel? Fill your tank up here: rattlesnakes swim in the ocean
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Not news: HazMat scare at Florida mall. News: Turned out to be man spreading wife's ashes. Fark: Was inside a LensCrafters store
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Megachurch pastor gives Sunday sermon where he details how God loves us all, how his wife of 23 years became a whore with multiple affairs
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If you can't trust a man who says he's a doctor giving you silicone injections inside a hotel room, who can you trust?
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Photoshop the frowning on these shenanigans
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Swedish health inspectors are shocked, SHOCKED, to find out that some plastic toys being sold still contain phthalates, chemicals which are harmful to children if swallo... What? Ohhh... THOSE toys... Never mind
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While Congress has been "debating" whether or not to pay the bills, Turkey and Syria had a little firefight
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I have no idea what you're talking about so here's a picture of a polar bear with a milk carton stuck on its nose
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Rapeville... err, Maryville sheriff says of Anonymous, "They all need to get jobs and quit living with their parents." Plans to follow-up by sticking his dick in a beehive
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Mother learns that the expression involves stealing candy FROM a baby, not with one
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Islamic scholars: go ahead and feast upon tasty dog meat
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Not news: being arrested at McDonalds. Florida tag: twice in the same day
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TV morning show tries to make Grumpy Cat laugh, with predictable results
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Woman made like a tree, but couldn't get out of there
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News: Student suspended for bringing incendiary device to class. Fark: Device was a drawing of a bomb
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President Obama: Debt ceiling, schmet ceiling. You bozos figure it out. I'm going to go meet Miss America
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Photoshop Challenge: pimp this very old ride
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Six easy steps to avoid becoming "That Poly Person"
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While everyone is distracted by the debt ceiling fight, a federal judge may legalize same-sex marriage in Michigan today
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German Museum: Your grandfather stole that gold Assyrian tablet from our Museum in 1945 and we want it back. Family: Yeah and you kept him locked up in Auschwitz for three years and murdered his family, so what do you say we call it even?
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This upcoming World Cup may actually be interesting
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Paranormal Investigators accidentally leave camera in Butte
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Firefighters always have good advice: keep a fire extinguisher handy, be ready to call 911 if you see smoke, try not to cook this weekend when we're on strike, because you're on your own if your kitchen bursts into flames
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A sport for grandma but sounds like it requires your mom and a webcam in Tijuana
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Want to help eradicate an invasive species? Sit down and grab a fork
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It's harvest time in Britain, when they cut down the ripe wind farms
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You heard it here first: The newest diet craze will be called 'The President Taft'
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Russians pull Chelyabinsk meteor from lake, promptly break it. Jordy Verrill nods approvingly
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Lottery Winner: I matched all the lucky numbers. DC: That's great. Lottery Winner: Where can I claim my prize? DC: About that
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If your sports car collection and drug habit is burning through the money you've been stealing from a client, C) kill them with your briefcase
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Poker game ends when brother makes a very bad draw on the river
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Former presidential candidate buys a billboard depicting President Obama with a Hitler moustache. With a picture helping to illustrate what an Indiana neighborhood looked like in 2009
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Iran to give convicted criminal a second chance
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Man arrested after 'tear gas' release. Subby usually just blames the dog
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Fukushima releases more radioactive water as Typhoon Wipha bears down on Japan, prompting fears of Nuclear Typhoon being the next SyFy original movie
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Pope Francis dons fireman's helmet. Talks of swimsuit calendar considered premature
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Skydiver solves Rubik's cube in freefall. Subby can't imagine how difficult it was to peel off the stickers and put them back on while being thousands of feet up in the air
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Air India passenger finds worms in his in-flight sandwich, says it made him feel Sikh
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UK TV watchdog to monitor broadcasts after viewer complaints about inakurate, delaid, freezen or disappearing subtitties
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New research determines that standup comedy is a skill which can be taught and learned, raising even more questions about the continuing career of Jay Leno
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2013 is Netherlands Russia Year, designated as a time for both nations to work toward improved relations. Let's check in and see how they're doing so far
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Police investigating murder of woman whose body was never found decide to look in the least likely place possible: her grave
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You have the right to not smirk. Should you choose to smirk, an attorney will prepare an opinion whether you want one or not
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If you saw one of those sign spinners at an intersection and thought, "Hm, that seems like a solid career with growth potential and a low likelihood of outsourcing, maybe I should look into that," you might want to hold off a bit on the application
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Your "Watch out, we got a Zimmerman wannabe over here" link of the day
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'You have offended my family. You have dishonored my dojo and my medical grow operation.' *whack*
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Your thong may be bad for your health. Also, if you've been wearing thongs for health reasons, you have been missing the point
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Hollywood: cop learns street lingo, goes into deep cover to infiltrate the mob. Seattle: cop learns to hang drywall
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Senate to announce final surrender terms for House GOP at Noon ET
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Absolut Vodka has somehow managed to bottle the taste of second-rate pizza, rampant shootings, mediocre sports teams and corrupt politicians
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Surprise: the cops who ended a 23-minute car chase by firing 137 bullets at the car and killing its 2 occupants will be "disciplined." Which is to say they won't be brought up on any charges, but will have very mean notes placed in their files
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The parents of one of those Florida girls who bullied a classmate into suicide want you to know that their dear sweet snowflake would never do anything like that and you should ignore how she posted "IDGAF" on her Facebook page because hackers
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Some Catholics want Pope Francis to lighten up a little, as they think he's taking the Bible a little too literal: "He is calling every single one of us to love our neighbor as ourselves, which is a really hard thing to do"
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Shaking in Loon may have killed 144. Miley Cyrus' twerking has gone too far
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Slow news day: "Man falls out of tree"
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Hey, that stopped police car isn't on my GPS
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Police release sketch in attempt to identify drowning victim. He's described as about 5'8″ to 5'10″ and gelatinous
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Parents learn that while their son got As in junior high math, he's getting Ds in Algebra 2 his first year of high school. Do they A) get him a tutor; B) keep him in class; C) sue the school district after they remove him from class
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Annals of Chick Science reports that all the single guys are on the left coast because of magnetic forces that make the water swirl down in the opposite direction or something like that
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Cool: Dog fighting ring gets busted up. Farktastically Awesome: Fleeing suspect gets taken down by one of the dogs that was being forced to fight
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150 pound desert tortoise killed by a car on Interstate 10 near Los Angeles. First time L.A. traffic has ever moved fast enough to actually catch up to a tortoise
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The Rise of the Machines begins now, and it starts in the cookie aisle of your local supermarket
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France would like all you Catholics to know that Lord's Prayer you're all so fond of saying is actually a sordid screed of blasphemy
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Just in case it doesn't look like your Air France flight is gonna make it, you can always take your dinner cutlery, assemble a smaller airplane and glide to safety
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Man stabs wife to death over taunts about his small penis and bed-wetting. Brilliant move, dickless. Now EVERYBODY knows
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Photoshop these conveniently sorted children
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History lesson: Fire crews turn hoses on each other while pub burns to the ground
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Man buys car from Craigslist that turns out to be stolen...check that. Man buys car from new car dealer that turns out to be stolen. Cops confiscate car. Dealer tells man he still owes car payments
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Repita: No blandir una pistola en el McDonald's drive-thru
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Palm Bay man sets self on fire while setting up cross-burning Halloween decoration
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Basically London school woz banning slang words and they ain't too happy about like phrases and stuff either, yeah
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#TwitterNov15NYSE
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Not news: Couple dies in car crash. News: They were married 68 years. Dusty in here: their bodies were found holding hands
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Apparently there's yet another ridiculously frightening fish to give you nightmares on your next snorkeling trip
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Scientists confirm new species of rare fish found in Amazon tastes delicious pan seared with bread crumbs and a lemon butter sauce
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So, there are pecan pie flavored Pringles out there
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The newest YouTube trend? Pre-teen and teen girls asking "Am I pretty or ugly?"
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Collection agency: 'Hello David Johnson. Pay your delinquent bill'. David: 'I have never used services from the company you are collecting for'. Collection agency: 'Close enough name match, so kiss your credit rating goodbye, you deadbeat'
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Police warn family about pending home invasion then post cars out front to deter it from happening...ok I made that last part up though it would have made sense to do so, wouldn't it?
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A Night at the Rock: Bill Baker, a former inmate, received special permission to stay the night in his old cell on Alcatraz
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Girl with Down syndrome gets crowned homecoming queen, *yawn*. Girl with leukemia gets crowned homecoming queen, *fart*. Girl with Down syndrome AND leukemia gets crowned homecoming queen. The other nominees never stood a chance
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If you find rare and valuable historical documents and you're not getting offered enough money for them, you should just burn them because that's better than nothing
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