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| Sun August 25, 2013 |
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Need more reasons to shun diet soda? Aspartame is made from genetically modified bacteria excrement
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Man who insists he wasn't trying to be offended by the "People of the Iowa State Fair" Facebook page says he was offended by the "People of the Iowa State Fair"
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Forklift drivers gives his life so that others may enjoy Stone beers
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1,000,000 cockroaches have escaped farm where they were being bred for traditional medicine. SyFy already looking to buy the rights for the movie
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Photoshop theme: Combine two or more government agencies into one
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Burning Man attendees put up with a lot: heat, dust, no plumbing. But what they really can't stand are cellphones
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Health Officials have confirmed a child infected with measles was at a Seattle area restaurant last weekend. EVERYBODY PANIC
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Today, the Omaha World Herald decides to play "Let's make everyone feel guilty about not having children"
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Daughter of New Zealand Prime Minister does some sort of fetish photoshoot involving an octopus and Big Macs. You'd think she was the daughter of a Japanese emperor or something
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Once again, people: this was a movie about what NOT TO DO. It is the exact opposite of a survival manual
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Tank Girl, Somalia edition
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Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson 2: electric boogaloo
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NSA, deciding that spying on US citizens wasn't enough, turns its sights on the UN. Bonus: while listening in on the UN, they discovered that the Chinese were trying to listen in as well
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Mike Tyson admits lying for ears about his drinking and drugs habit. Says he's close to biting the dust
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Photoshop this den of antiquity
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Leaks in Fukushima No. 1 radioactive water tank attributed to blown seals. Yet another fetish that ends badly for all concerned
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If you bought a Powerball ticket for the Aug. 25, 2012, drawing at a deli in Westchester, N.Y., you might want to go through all of your drawers and pockets one more time, like RIGHT NOW
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Dundead
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Ric Romero joins a credit union
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J.D. Salinger biographer claims a series of posthumous releases are forthcoming, unknown whether book tour will feature readings by the Tupac Shakur hologram
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NSA is having flashbacks to the Watergate era, only this time they're the ones getting ratted out
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Parents are outraged that their elementary school kids are learning about something that'll consume their lives in about two years
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Three men run burglary ring, decide to sell their acquisitions on Facebook. Naturally, some of the victims noticed
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Reporter goes topless halfway through interview with mayor. It's not news, it's boobies
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Illinois businesses and politicians learning that the issue of medical marijuana is good for business
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If you arrest and handcuff someone and put them in the back of your police cruiser, make sure you take the keys out of the ignition first
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When you picture a police chase, this probably wasn't what you had in mind
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Cop says "American neighborhoods are battlefields" on par with Afghanistan. This is the reason the scary tag was invented
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It's the end of an era: After hoarding them, Milwaukee police sends its final Crown Victoria into service with no replacement in sight
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Raëlians are 'restoring' victims of female genital mutilation. And for 'restoring' we mean surgery to reduce their pain and attempt to restore sexual sensation. Your move Westboro
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Bribing a severely ill witness and hiding evidence from the court and the defendant is no way to go through life, FBI
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Cosmo shares its wisdom on how to try bondage for the first time. Tip #2: Try a blindfold if it's your first time. Tip #4: Don't use a blindfold if it's your first time. Tip #9: Tie your man up with toilet paper
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Man takes a Boring old tavern and turns it into something exciting
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A new drug called "Crazy Clown," you say? What could possibly go wrong?
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Photoshop this damselfly and chameleon
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This abandoned underwater strip club still has shiny dancing poles but no naked mermaids in sight
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Owner of A-Rod grocery store in New York forced to change store's name after people started questioning whether or not the produce was genetically modified
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Sick: Minority students at the University of Texas are getting attacked with "bleach bombs" from racist fellow students. Asinine: The administration is seemingly doing nothing to stop it
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Make your plans to come to EuroFark 2013 - August 30/31 - Liverpool, England - NOW WITH UPDATED INFO
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Man attacks, beats 9-year-old girl in Best Buy women's restroom, shoves her head first into toilet. Customer, store employees respond, rescue girl. Man in custody facing attempted murder charges
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Three bears decide to make a tree their home after getting tired of Goldilocks continually biatching about their beds and porridge
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Good thing sequestration isn't hurting anyone. What's that? The Forest Service is out of money to fight wild fires?
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Florida boy with rare brain eating amoeba has died. Family to donate his organs. FTA: "It's a no-brainer"
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Turns out The Donald is even scummier than you thought
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Coming up at the top of the hour, it's Livingston Stapler Company Presents, three hours of live radio featuring everything from delta blues to Spike Jones to the Butthole Surfers. LGT KRNN.org stream, or look for KRNN on TuneIn
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911? Hey guys I am kinda stuck here
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Texas Tech graduate wears pasta strainer on head for official school photo in a clear violation of the separation of noodle and state
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| Sat August 24, 2013 |
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Gunman goes on deadly shooting spree before killing self, which in Florida is called Saturday
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Church gives elderly woman who has attended it for six decades an ultimatum: Disown your lesbian daughter or never come back. "Literally, they're exiling members for unconditionally loving their children"
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Whole Foods attempts to be your one-stop shop for all your hipster needs, begins offering vinyl records in some locations
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Florida is running out of sand EVERYBODY PANIC
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Eleven signs you're dating a sociopath. Missing from the list: they have a Fark username
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A new site helps users vanish from the internets ..... might want to tell your Mom
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Photoshop something more interesting for these guys to do
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"The overall U.S. bourbon market grew 13.2 percent last year from the previous year, while super premium bourbons rose 79.5 percent." Good job, guys
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I realize that everyone is still recovering from the news of Ben Affleck's casting role but I think it might be important to let people know that San Francisco's water supply is on FIRE
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You know how it says ' Do not incinerate' on aerosol cans? Well, this is why
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A clown wedding - either the scariest thing on the planet or the sweetest
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NYPD cops told to stand down by police-union to avoid any lawsuits from stop-and-frisk
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"...the reported symptoms of the patients, in addition to the epidemiological pattern of the events...strongly indicate mass exposure to a neurotoxic agent." The 3600 patients, that is
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Subby is absolutely sure playing the video game "Grand Theft Auto IV" had nothing whatsoever to do with this 8-year-old boy shooting an elderly woman to death
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Policemen: Hey pretty Woman. For your misdemeanor we'll need you to strip naked on video before your mugshot and lets just make sure your breasts and crotch are not carrying anything. Oh and don't you dare call it rape
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Artists take famous black-and-white photographs like the Hindenburg disaster and colorize them in stunning detail. Oh the Huemanity
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Well, we've had wine snobs for years, so now it's only natural we get beer snobs, or "Cicerones," as they want to be called
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Iron Photoshop ingredient: Stained Glass
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Hospital sues parents of 10-year-old cancer patient after they stop chemotherapy treatments, fearing that they'll make her infertile. Prior to the stop she had an 85 percent change of survival
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Old and busted: Cats roaming the streets of Detroit. New hotness: Big cats roaming the streets of Detroit
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One doughnut sold every three seconds. Scotland is going to need some bigger kilts
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Syria: So we were just walking around Damascus and we stumbled upon these rebel tunnels, and wouldn't you know it, we found a whole bunch of chemical weapons just laying there, proving we didn't gas anyone. Funny how that worked out, ain't it?
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Californians love overpriced, unreliable cars
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School district superintendent who bought wine and schnapps with his company credit card assures the public he did so inadvertently and just grabbed the wrong credit card
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After defeating the gay menace Russia cracks down on the latest threat to civilization: Pastafarians
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Woman fighting for the right to be topless in public doesn't need any support. SFW pic included
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Sex ed teacher shows instead of tells
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Apparently, it's giant banana spider season in Florida, and biologists want you to know that if you get bit by one, it's no big deal because it "doesn't hurt worse than a bee sting"
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Loneliness kills twice as many people as obesity, claims new study from the Institute of Inaccurate Data
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Using misleading domain names on the Internet is a Federal crime? Someone lock up Drew, I originally came here looking for porn
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Bikers and autistic teen: 1 - Grumpy neighbor from hell: 0
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In news that will finally get the fanboys to shut up about Ben Affleck: Bryan Cranston confirmed to play Lex Luthor
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Chicago woman arrested for biting her cousin's nose off during a fight. And you thought your family tree had a few bad branches
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Cops seize batch of "heroin" that's 0% heroin, and 100% the stuff the nurses gave Subby's wife during labor. Good news if you're a junkie about to have a baby
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What is it with Americans threatening to riot the moment things start breaking down on their cruise ship?
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Modern journalism: TV station reports that the mysterious animal head found in a park has been identified by people on the station's Facebook page as belonging to a chupacabra
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In response to chemical weapons use in Syria, Obama preparing to send series of strongly worded letters. Sources indicate the first letters are S I X T H and F L E E T
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Your ancestors used to have first sleep and second sleep every night. No word on second breakfast
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Photoshop these desert dancers
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Not news: Woman bakes cakes for patients at hospice. News: For the last 26 years. Fark: She is told to stop for safety reasons despite never receiving a complaint
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Dog donates blood and saves a dying cat's life. Just one more reason why ALL animals are welcome on Caturday
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Labor Day Weekend Pittsburgh Fark Party hosted by the Pittsburgh Hash House Harriers, see link for details
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Twenty-six members of a Bicycle gang blow through stop sign. Police stop them all and write each one a shiny new $100 ticket
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Teacher uses Facebook to lure students to her home for sex. Talk about social networking
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You have no idea what Hell is really like until you live next door to a parrot that is constantly whistling the Addams Family theme song
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Not news: Man loses boat in storm, finds it on an island. News: 13 years later Fark: as good as new
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| Fri August 23, 2013 |
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Old and busted: cronuts and twogging. The latest craze and emerging moral dilemma is... Pod Coffee
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Scientist recommends eating roadkill, claims it's not only better for you but green, too (although maybe not initially)
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Nail salon customers received word today that their mani-pedis were secretly upgraded to include tuberculosis
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Greyhound Down: 20 National Guardsmen hurt in NC bus wreck
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Website uses couple's image and personal photos with fake info without permission as a promo, then acts all stunned when they get sued for defamation
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Photoshop these ground penetrators
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FIrst grader with autism is told to transfer schools, because a teacher is allergic to her service dog
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Give me your money or I'll rub your open sores
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Imma (dead) shark. Imma (dead) shark. Not a (dead) cryptozoic sea monster. Imma (dead) shark
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Columnist explains why he ambushed Russia's news network with rainbow suspenders. "Because I'm an attention whore" mysteriously missing
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News: Suspects thwarted by gun-packing homeowner. Fark: Suspects told deputies that they had been given permission to be on the property to collect scrap. Uber Fark: Then said the homeowner's donkey escaped and tried to coax it back with a cracker
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New concept in parenting: "Free-range kids," where children are allowed to roam freely and discover how to solve problems and situations without Mommy and Daddy swooping to the rescue. You know, like when you grew up
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Behavioral biases explain why I'm right and you're wrong
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Man sets fire hazard on fire to reduce fire hazard, ends up reducing a lot more than he planned
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Chicago woman pays $4,500 parking fine. Which is a reduction from the original fine of $105,000
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Booze bottle dildos. Yes, dildos
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FARC pauses peace talks while Drew makes a beer run
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Caption this distracted cyclist
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"Hello, health department? Yeah, remember the body that I said was my mother's? The one we had the funeral for and buried? Yeah, well...guess who just showed up?"
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Drunk yet? You will be after you take the Fark Quiz for this week, since we've secretly hidden tiny bottles of booze behind some of the questions. Or not, it's hard to tell
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Surgeons save 4-month-old puppy from blindness. D'awwwwww
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Come for the 9th DWI conviction/prison story, stay for the disappearing hairline/new rat on head mug shot goodness
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Photoshop these noble beasts, these beautiful machines in the mist
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Since everybody gets older, you can either accept it and try to age gracefully. Or do what Madonna did and buy a gold mouth grill with 24 diamonds in it
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"We are tired of vaginas being artificially sexualised" say college students who apparently aren't familiar with the purpose of a vagina (Some Not safe for work images in sidebar)
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Todays manufactured outrage: Are the emoticons on your phone racist?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Maybe you get bad service because you are a bad person
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Truck full of copy machines catches fire. Truck full of copy machines catches fire. Truck full of copy machines catches fire. Truck full of copy machines catches fire. Truck full of copy machines catches fire
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If you go to Burning Man this year and a guy with a buzz cut and mirrored sunglasses asks if you know where he can get some weed, don't trust him
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Food, drink, and restaurant "holidays" are all shams. Yes, even the ones dedicated to rum, doughnuts, and bacon. And especially the ones dedicated to blueberry pie and cupcakes
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See New York, not all the steakhouses are in your neighborhood, in fact you have only two in the twenty best
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Those zany right wing "sovereign citizens" an their wacky ideas about kidnapping and executing police. Why, they're not dangerous at all
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Fark Food Thread: Can you believe it's been a year since we started these? How many of you have tried something you saw in one of these threads? What are your greatest hits and cringe-worthy misses? Show us what you learned for our 1st Anniversary
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Wasting too much time going through ex-girlfriend's Facebook photos? These two MIT geeks have the shocking solution
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| (Some Guy) |
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Harvard approves first BDSM student group. FLÜGGÅƎNKƋEČHIŒBØLSȆN
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Doctors give new meaning to the expression "shiat for brains." Shockingly, untested procedure of implanting fecal bacteria in cancer patients' gray matter only makes things worse
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Russia tells Syria to allow UN chemical weapons investigation, tells United States 'Have fun in your next quagmire'
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Toronto mayor Rob "Crack Attack" Ford defeats Hulk Hogan in an arm wrestling match
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If you answer the phone and the person on the other end says, "It's the Pope", It may be a good idea not curse at them and tell them to stop prank calling you
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Further proof that whenever a headline asks a question, the answer is always NO
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Which crime did the time in this week's Friday Photo Fun? Contest ends 6:00pm EST
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If you think the world is reacting poorly to Ben Affleck being cast as the next Batman, you should try and remember what happened when Heath Ledger was cast as the Joker
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"Squawk. We are so done with plowing the land. We are so done with plowing the land. We are so done with plowing the land. We are so done with plowing the land. We are so done with plowing the land.......Yes I'm hungry and dehydrated. Squawk "
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It's the old "one minute I'm drinking in a bar, the next I come to somewhere else with no idea how I got there" story with a felony thrown in for good measure
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"You may be thinking, 'My wife knows I would never buy a European Penis Bath'"
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So that firefighter-slash-pastor who was introduced to a stun gun after waving to police? Now there's video
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"The devil made me do it", woman tells cops after stabbing man. She also tells them that Jesus told her to stab the cat. Both Jesus and Devil fail to appear at court to back up her story
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Is it divine judgment or willful human ignorance when a megachurch becomes ground zero of a measles outbreak?
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Trio of accused home invaders decide to plead guilty after note found in jury box during their trial from one of the men to the other advising on what to say to "get their stories straight"
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Cardinal who resigned over his sexual misconduct blocked investigation into historic abuse cases in Catholic church
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80 mph on a bicycle? Here comes the science
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City in Kansas surprised by a sudden influx of gnomes that have taken up residence
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Steve Ballmer to retire within 12 months to spend more time sweating profusely and shouting DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS at his family
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Study finds that single men wash their sheets about four times per year, confirming the theory that the average single man has four dates per year
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NASA and other scientists recently met to discuss the Prime Directive
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White House chefs had to take the extra cream out of President Clinton's food
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Eating seaweed can KILL YOUR DOG. Cat turds, roadkill and "what the hell was that thing?" still okay
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Photoshop what this photo crew is really running from
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Police bust cooking oil thieves after catching them crispy golden brown handed
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The Philadelphia Phillies and Eagles shared porn in Veterans Stadium. It's not gay unless the balls touch
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Nevada to face lawsuit for shipping mentally ill patients back to California. Officials deny wrongdoing, say they just put them on a Greyhound going from Las Vegas to Los Angeles and they all seemed to blend right in
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Out-of-control BBC computer is hunting down Brits it thinks haven't paid their TV licence: 'It seems that the "system" had been spewing out these letters spontaneously, without human intervention.' EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE
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The new Taco Bell Fiery Doritos Locos Taco is a triumph of human ingenuity and the best bargain in fast food today. Just don't get the Supreme. (sour leakage)
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Build a new national broadband internet system under the national highway system, proposes a columnist unfamiliar with the state of repair of our highways
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Braving heat, murky water and snakes - including a water moccasin - 911 Wildlife workers spent the day installing the device, the "Beaver Deceiver". Oddly, this story has nothing to do with your mom's weekend plans
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Usually it's the students that give teachers unwanted apples, not the other way around
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Elementary school students are required to kneel before: A) the Pope, B) the Queen, C) their principal
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Baby born in a parking lot just like her dad 33 years ago. Doctors say the child has her father's eyes, father's hair color, father's defective planning gene
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Mall pulls back-to-school ads depicting young girls as lovers of shopping after offending people who have apparently never, ever been in a mall
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| Thu August 22, 2013 |
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"I hate Elmo"
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That girl suspended for refusing to wear an RFID badge may have lost the courtroom battle, but maybe she won the war. The school has abandoned RFID badges that "turned out not to be worth the trouble"
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Old and busted: Wearing your heart on your sleeve. New hotness: Wearing your heart on your abdomen
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Sixteen year-old decides that driving a BMW entitles him to whip past a stopped school bus, gets angry after seeing the driver writing down his plate and decides the only reasonable response is to beat up the bus driver
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If you're in jail accused of bulldozing your neighbor's home, the one thing you need to make sure you bring in to court with you is a bag full of dead bugs. I learned this from the Lionel Hutz School of Lawyering
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Dude credits 130,000 joints over 30 years with saving his life, says, "You know, that's not just, like, my opinion, man"
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Goldman Sachs banker accused of rape. Literal this time, not financial
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Walmart's latest PR win: One of their Southern California warehouses fired workers for taking a five minute heat break
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Photoshop this very dapper criminal
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Ugly-ass baby nautilus born at San Diego's Birch Aquarium. With ugly-ass aquatic pictures
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News: Gun safety instructor accidentally shoots student. Fark: Again
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Goat poop fire. No, that's not the name of submitter's new band
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Russian government defends anti-gay law, claims it is not discrimination because it applies equally to all Russians. You know who else had non discriminatory anti-laws that applied equally to all people?
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"It's hard to meet a girl and tell her you live with your parents at that age," he said. "It's not really good for the ego"
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The secret to living a long life? Eat food and drink beer instead of chemicals (Some Not safe for work images in sidebar)
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Mailman is now arming himself as he's been repeatedly attacked. Canada Post even had to temporarily suspend service in the dangerous neighbourhood. The culprits: hawks
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Cedar Point won't allow gay zombie weddings on their property
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It was lupus
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Space fence to be cut due to budget. Expect increase in illegal aliens
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Photoshop these bored girls
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We're not saying it's squirrels, just that squirrels have taken down the Nasdaq before
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It use to be that racists knew enough to keep their racism to themselves. Then there are these two
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Seven. Full. Minutes. Of. CUTE
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San Diego Mayor Bob Filner to resign so he can spend more time sexually harassing his family
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U.S. Justice Department messes with Texas, sues over voter ID law
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Great Scott! Bolt of lightning strikes town hall and knocks out police communications. This is heavy
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Nasdaq Halts Trading After "Technical Issue" Strikes. Everybody panic. SELL SELL SELL. Oh wait, we can't. Nevermind
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Desperate retailers start their Christmas sales in August. Thanks, Obama Claus
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White supremacist tries to to take over tiny North Dakota town, this should end well
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Honestly, we're spending all this money on the NSA and Stop and Frisk and you post information about your gun smuggling ring on Instagram? Come on
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Small town bath salt rampage results in impressive list of felony charges. With mugshot goodness
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Not news: Taking up a collection in support of someone having problems. News: The collection is for embattled San Diego mayor Bob Filner. Fark: the request is for used sex toys
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Excess iron linked to Alzheimer's Disease. Didn't we just have a thread about copper causing this? Or was it lead? I'm confused. I like cats
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Bacon Fest draws bigger crowd than organizers expect. BACON FEST
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Up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane, it's a . . . Russian zombie pigeon?
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At least it wasn't a truck full of w00tstout
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If breaking a mirror brings seven years of bad luck, how many do you get for gunning down an anti-superstition activist?
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Garden encourages children to "pet" the plants. I can't wait for the poison ivy exhibit
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Quote of the day: "It's crummy to sneak into a 90-year-old widow's home in the dead of night and steal her Lorax"
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If you're going to post a picture to Facebook of students alongside unrelated pics of sex toys, that's bad enough, but if you're a teacher you have to expect that the parents might have something to say about it
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Texas bans sales of Tesla cars, because Fark you
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Manning's future leaks will be done sitting down
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"But somewhat forgotten amongst the successes of the past is the first penis transplant"
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US circumcision rate has been cut
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Not news: police chase. News: through three counties in a semi truck. FARK: stolen by two 12-year-old boys
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Government: The FISA court effectively oversees the NSA's data collection programs. FISA Court: Yeah, not so much
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Former Pope says his boss told him to resign
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People, the Tata Nano isn't the "world's cheapest car" -- it's a "smart city car"
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Disney to lay off 175 employees across its entire television group, including Disney-owned ABC affiliates. Will KABC's hardest-working, best-looking reporter be axed for arbitrary cost-cutting reasons? More at 11
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Unemployment website now available in Klingon, because clearly people who can speak a made-up language will be unemployed
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You know that 13-year-old that was kicking your ass on Xbox Live, questioning your sexuality as well as your relationship with your mother, all while dropping f-bombs like they were going out of style? There's a very real chance it was Justice Scalia
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| (Some Guy) |
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What do Microsoft, the NSA and the Chinese have in common? If you're using Win 8, the answer may be closer than you think
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Two sharks caught in Potomac river on their way to join congress
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Japanese firms attempt to bore unwanted employees into quitting voluntarily. Fark: by giving them subby's dream job
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Photoshop this croquet championships competitor
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Powerful solar storm flare with superheated particles is currently surging toward Earth, but don't woɍɌy, y0u prŏþab1y woN't n0ti(e aNyƮh|nġ d\ffƏ®enŧ[%
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Internet Dickwad Theory finally catches up with HuffPo, who just announced that anonymous comments would no longer be permitted. Good thing everyone on Fark posts with their real name, and not some ridiculous, made-up handle, such as "Drew"
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Saudi Arabia's Kingdom Tower will be 1,000 meters high, which in imperial measurements is equivalent to a five-inch penis
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After 26 years, Mike Tyson plays "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out" for the very first time
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Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your GRENADE
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Zuckerberg: If only everyone could be my friend, and I could make money off them
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Yahoo gets more internet traffic than Google? Are people on Yahoo doing web searches for Google or something?
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Newborn foal with striking blue eye looks a bit like David Bowie
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France has decided that if Syria used chemical weapons, that the U.S. should do something about it
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Is there any ISO standard on when a bear can be considered problematic?
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Bob Filner tentatively strikes deal, buttocks
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Bradley Manning just wants to be called Chelsea?
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Beauty queen says severed foot will not ruin her life; it's only the first step in the next leg of her journey
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German brewers face hundreds of millions of euros in fines. The charge? Colluding for at least 20 years with typical German discipline to regularly raise price of beer, independent of free market competition
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♫ I hope that someone gets my ♪ I hope that someone gets my ♫ I hope that someone gets my ♪ Message in a bottle ♫
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Chefs try to break world record by converting one giant cabbage into 105 dishes no one will eat
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Yeah it may be common for drunk people to pass out while babysitting children, but what the hell is that green stuff on her face?
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Why does ketchup pour so slowly? Maybe it's rodent fur
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So, what do dentures, onions and a box of dried fish all have in common? No, your mom is not involved
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My dad got arrested for having lunch with me at my middle school. So what if Dad was drunk, carrying gun under his shirt? That's just like supper at home all the time
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 433: "Move it or Lose it". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed August 21, 2013 |
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Worst. Cellmate. Evar
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If you let southern parents decide who their children will be classmates with, do you get: a) a lot of diversity, b) some diversity, or c) total segregation?
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Study concludes men and women notice each others' eyes first. Who commissioned the study? Why, Murine eye drops ... why do you ask?
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Proof that God exists: New "child-free zones" on airlines
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Pink Panther jewel thief arrested in France. This is not a repeat from 1964
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Get up too many times to sharpen your pencil? That's a seat taping
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"Why do Americans hate the best decade in history?" Wait, this isn't an article about the eighties
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It's only plastic surgery? Why so serious?
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When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them
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Coming back from the dead after coding and CPR is pretty common. Doing it on your own 45 minutes after doctors actually pronounce you deceased, and nurses are just cleaning up your corpse for family's sake, is pretty farking amazing
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"Building evacuated after burlesque dancer sets off fire alarm with burning nipple tassels." THAT'S HOT (slightly not safe for work)
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Cool: To encourage people to move there, city just a half-hour's commute from downtown Chicago is selling homes for just $1. It's a Trap: It's Gary, IN where most residents dream of one day escaping and moving somewhere nice, like Detroit
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Photoshop this receptionist sitting in her saucer
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First rule in burglary. Make sure the getaway car has gas in it
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County: So is gay marriage legal or not? State: Hell I dunno. County: So we can do whatever? State: Hey why not?
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Arkansas is banning tattoos and body piercing. Cross burning still ok
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No more lead worries since you finally re-plumbed your house with copper. Get ready to do it again with...oh, hello...you seem nice. Do you like pizza? I had a cat once
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News: Criminal masterminds interrupt satellite communications to perpetrate financial fraud. Fark: Using aluminum foil
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In his latest effort to reduce the wow-factor associated with having a "Dr." in front of one's name, Dr. Phil asks: Is it cool to have sex with a drunk chick?
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Amnesiac moves to Sweden after forgetting he's not from there
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Not news: Bored 17 year old kills kittens. Fark: With a bow and arrow
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This food critic is a cat. It reviews cat food
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Man struck by lightning on Creation Museum zip line. Where is your God now?
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"Satan couldn't be everywhere, so he created liquor stores, nightclubs and beer joints"
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Let me see if I can make your head explode... How about an article about an "eclectic anarchist hackerspace"?
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Chris Mathews posts followup to hard hitting piece "adsfasdf" posted earlier today. Does anyone else smell a Pulitzer?
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Bomb squad called after a jar filled with strange green liquid is found near a school. FARK: It's a lava lamp
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Scientists release test to combat counterfeiting of legendary 'cat poop' coffee
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Naked, one-legged man collapsed and died after throwing bricks at several neighborhood homes. Was probably hopped up on something
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Photoshop Theme: Jumping the gun
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Thousands of wild dogs roam Detroit. Article includes the adjective "post-apocalyptic"
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The case for getting drunk at work. Might take more than a case, but I'm listening
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"The Bible Belt is collapsing," Russell Moore, president of the SBC's Religious Liberty Commission. "We are no longer the moral majority. We are a prophetic minority"
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NSA: We try to only spy on foreign targets, but get the occasional US citizen. Latest Leak: We tap into about 75% of US internet traffic and set our own filters with no oversight to worry about
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Disapprove of your neighbours' gay relationship? Should you C) Set off an airhorn while shouting 'homosexuals should be put down'
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It's like having a heart attack while doing CPR. Isn't it ironic, don't cha think?
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"asdfasdf," opines Chris Matthews, who has really captured how everyone feels on both sides of the aisle
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If you are going to ask your son to hold your brewski to take a picture of the football game, make sure there are no undercover cops around who will nail you for minor in possession
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Six of the absolute craziest conspiracy theories from "Reason" editor Jesse Walker's "United States of Paranoia". Why yes, that is a dog dressed in some crazy witch costume to match the article
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Someone's goose is going to be cooked if they ever find out who barbecued one of the Queen's swans at Windsor Castle
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Study shows when 25% of a population takes antidepressants, they're probably being overprescribed
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Family of Hannah Anderson kidnapper want DNA test. FARK: A paternity test, because they think he was her real father
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Warning: If you've ever sent a dick pic the Hipsters have acquired it and are calling it art (Some Not safe for work images below article)
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9/11 defendant Ramzi Binalshibh proves the US has been torturing him most grievously by withholding olives and honey from his meals
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You know, Britain, when even RUSSIA is busting your chops over how you treat reporters and questioning your commitment to a free press, maybe it's time to re-think your actions
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Starved Florida aquifers decide to take matters into their own hands
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The Orion 8: the NASA men and women that will go to Mars
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Police puzzled, look for thief who purloined patch of potent peppers
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Headline: "Pit bulls much less aggressive than other breeds." Article: "to their owners"
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Shapeshifting Sumerian god to take over tornado, hurricane forecasting
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Amusement park zookeeper gored by wildebeest plans to return to her job because, "Old gnus are so exciting"
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New Jersey mayor selling his house because he can't afford his own town's property taxes
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Birds use the posted speed limit as a guide for avoiding cars. Deer use hypnotic tactics to try to stare your car into submission
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Boy buried in dune for hours and spent weeks recovering in a hospital starts his first day of school, promises he's ready to assume the training necessary to become the Kwisatz Haderach
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Liquor license granted to hair salon; talk about getting a buzz cut
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Headline: "Brazilians tear strip off NSA in wake of Snowden." I blame Bush
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Revenge of the cronut
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Al-Jazeera's American premier yesterday showed it to be a solid, responsible, non-polarizing and thoughtful news channel that avoids the smoke and mirrors employed by its competitors. Which is to say, it won't last long in America
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Jealous of Carnival Cruises getting all the bad press, Royal Caribbean abandons an elderly couple in Turkey. Your move, Fun Ships
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Concerned that a build up to civil war isn't moving quickly enough, Egyptian military frees former dictator who provoked the revolution
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Good news - you win the promotional prize at a baseball game. Bad news - the prize is a funeral
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Sometimes, it seems like New York cabs cost an arm and a leg, but it's really only half that, so quit complaining
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Fort Hood shooter Hasan presents his defense:
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Presidential pets, a histo...WTF Coolidge?
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Pro Tip: Before shoplifting from K-Mart, remember not to lock your keys in your car
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Columbia, South Carolina makes homelessness a crime. "Now all we need to do is tell them to get off the street." PROBLEM SOLVED
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Spiffy: two top contenders for Austria's parliament have posed for topless photos in what papers are calling "a naked duel" between the candidates. Sad: they are both men. Scary: one is 80 years old
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BREAKING: A bunch of stuff in Mexico City
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Base jumper killed by Dolomite's pimp cane
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School clerk convinced suicidal gunman to drop weapons, surrender to police instead of killing scores of children at Georgia elementary school
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73-year-old cattle farmer creates his own electric car. Meet the Lightning Bug
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New photos show how WW1 pilots prepared for war. By knocking back a load of Champagne of course
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Social media has changed how we die. #deathbed #readingthewill
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See girls, doing 15 years in a Peruvian prison doesn't sound so bad for 'not' knowing what you had in your luggage at the airport
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Three teens are bored, do they (A) play video games (B) go play sports (C) go drive by and shoot a guy who just happened to be jogging by their house
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Bradley Manning gets 35 years in the hole
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Cameron was behind the UK's detention of Miranda. Was the codename for this "Operation Save Beuller"?
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HVAC contractor protip: Don't leave flammable gas containers in your truck overnight because it might leak and explode when you turn off the vehicle's alarm in the morning, also keep a clean pair of underwear handy
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Pony found hacked to death with body parts missing in 'ring of fire' after full moon. Police conclusion? Natural causes
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Just a reminder - Thanksgiving decorations are now on sale at your local supermarket
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What? Are you telling me that doing a rapid "learning" of college level material in high school at a sped up pace and having the students forget what they "learned" after six months is a bad thing? Somebody get my fainting couch
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GOP civil war is threatening to enter new heights as Sheriff Joe threatens to shoot militia members patrolling for Mexicans on sight if they point a gun at his militia patrolling for Mexicans
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Raleigh thieves steal charity van full of backpacks for needy schoolchildren, oxygen; NC legislature too busy scribbling notes in the bushes to provide much help as witnesses
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American Quarter Horse Association ordered to allow clones. Kentucky Derby braces for the first nine way tie in history
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Number of tornadoes in U.S. drops to a 60-year low. Weather Channel scrambles to fill time, begins airing specials on clouds that look like bears
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Photoshop this barrel man
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Earlier NFL contracts didn't include boilerplate about using image/footage for NFL Productions "promotional" purposes. Whoops--that's a lawsuitin'
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Store clerk critically injured attempting to retrieve stolen David Hasselhoff ads. NOT FLORIDA
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Syria gases own people again. So Assad is a bad guy. Unless it's propaganda. In that case, al Queda are the bad guys. Again
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Sure, you might have a boring desk job, but at least you never have to worry about getting gored in the thigh by a wildebeest
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An "anomaly" goes to a level 3 "incident" at the Fukushima nuclear plant, regulator fears plant operator is full of sh*t, can't manage the crisis and is actually trying to grow monsters in the sea
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Colorado's marijuana industry, "Yeah it is legal, but it is still very expensive"
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News: A registry of gun owners across the nation has secretly been created. Fark: By the NRA
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Sailor found guilty of biting his 11-day-old son while the infant was in the hospital, but is acquitted of breaking the boy's rib, so at least he's got that going for him
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Men obsessed with bulking up now diagnosed with "bigorexia". In other news, the media again finds the stupidest name they can for something that didn't need a name
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Naked man, last seen running through city center, found dead at bottom of a 50-foot elevator shaft. Well, duh
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You know that oddly consistent 20% of survey respondents who seem uninformed and out of touch? Say hi
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Facebook won't even allow uncensored full-frontal photos of male kangaroos
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The cost for keeping the West Coast from becoming kindling? More than a billion dollars
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New Jersey deli owner armed with boiling oil uses Castle Doctrine to repel invader
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The Lusty Lady, San Francisco's only employee-owned peep show strip club, forced to close due to rising rents. Patrons' pants set to fly at half-mast tomorrow
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BORING: Teacher arrested at school for alleged sexual relations with former student. FARK: The allegations date back to 1966
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Woman dislocates her jaw on a triple-layer burger, says it was worth it
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Pastor wanders around with an AR-15 across his back because he's upset that he can't wander around with a pistol openly carried on his hip
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Most and least respected brands in America. Guess what category banks, airlines, and cigarettes companies fall into
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Old and busted: Cheese-stuffed pizza crust. New hotness: Cockroach-stuffed pizza crust
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