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| Sun April 07, 2013 |
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Can a chaplain be a "bad ass?" Because this one who will receive the Medal Of Honor 62 years after his death sure sounds like it
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Hikers call 911 for a rescue team after encountering a small stream and being afraid of getting their electronics wet
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Hot off the grillz, it's this week's eye opening edition of the Mug Shot Roundup
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If you don't know the difference between a toy poodle and a ferret on steroids then you probably deserve to get ripped off
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Photoshop theme: Not to scale
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The 50 fattiest foods from across the country deslidefied for your drooling pleasure. Now if you'll excuse me I have to be at the gym in 26 minutes
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Outside of a dog, $500 is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, you have to follow him around and pick what's left of the money out of his poop, piece it back together, then gross out various bank tellers while trying to get fresh bills
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Former cocaine kingpin goes from pushing white powder to pushing health and wellness tips
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Proving they are one step away from the Westboro Baptist Church, anonymous celebrates Holocaust Memorial Day by hacking Israeli websites and replacing them with pro-terrorist and anti-semitic propaganda
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FTA "Police say the women wore short black dresses with high heels and no pantyhose."...likely worked as teachers.....the male 19 year old sexual assault victim is still recovering
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New York City will use payphones in the latest attempt to create a time machine
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More than 700 educators from one particular state decided to better themselves this weekend. Did they do it by a.) Taking advanced math classes, b.) Researching teaching methods utilized in Europe, or c.) Attending a free gun class? Hint: Texas
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Ceiling Cat is watching you go nuts
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If a stranger in a back alley tries to sell you 27 cows, no questions asked, please contact the Wapello County sheriff's office
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Walmart worker finds an envelope left in a cart containing $20,000. Quickly does the right thing ... and returns the money to the person who left it there
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Why do we laugh at North Korea but fear Iran? Is it because Kim Jong-Un looks like Moe Howard mated with an Oompa Loompa and Mahmoud Ahmacrazyman looks like Christoph Waltz?
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Time Magazine wants to answer questions internet uses have about online etiquette. Perhaps we could send a few their way
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Experts believe a water shortage could be due to people watering their lawns, but they don't know for certain
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World Fark Party III - New Orleans, Louisiana: April 5 - April 7
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Island lion cubs / finally get their own names / and their own haikus? (Pic)
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Ok, we cancelled this one, but how many ICBMs does the US launch off the coast of California anyway?
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I said.... THiS IS WHAT HEARING LOSS SOUNDS LIKE
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T206 Honus Wagner baseball card sells for $2.1 million. Your 1983 Topps #55 Mookie Wilson card is still only worth $0.39
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Photoshop the Best Korean Bassist
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North Pole man acquitted of kidnapping. So that's what Santa does in the off-season
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Orangutans cling to the last tree in the forest as bulldozers plow down their home. Damned dirty humans
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The world's 20 most beautiful living spaces that nobody can afford to actually live in
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Trying to get word out that there's been an Exxon oil pipeline spill? That's an arrestin'
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Not news: School bans kindergartener from class. FARK: because his mohawk haircut is too distracting
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Video of a flaming Lamborghini Miura SV is the saddest thing you'll see today
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Americans hold about $1 trillion in student loans, and the debt burden is only getting heavier, and few students are asking questions about what type of loans--if any--they should take
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Meet the doctor who can revive heart attack patients who have been dead for hours
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What middle school teacher hasn't wanted to tie up a rambunctious sixth grader?
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Love concierge specializes in turning successful Silicon Valley geeks into sexy Silicon Valley studmuffins. mostly by telling them Weird Science was just a movie and that they should spend $20K and up on better wardrobe and bleached teeth
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| (She's your daughter you retards) |
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Parents of the year put their 16 year old daughter up for adoption after learning she is gay. Too bad she couldn't have gotten away from them earlier
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Just got arrested for sending texts to a cop asking him if he wants to buy drugs? Turn that frown in your mugshot upside down
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| Sat April 06, 2013 |
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Pastor Rick Warren's son no longer living a purpose driven life
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So many news organizations kiss Fark's ass, but only HuffPost Weird News plies Farkers with beer and Rum (w/ World Fark Party III slideshow)
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Troopers found several items destroyed inside the office and the word "surcharge" written in feces on the wall of the lobby, the affidavit said
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Those movie casting flyers around the grade school looking for "fun, open minded people with a nice look," might not be legit
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The crime spree ended near a local elementary school with a simple, spray painted message that said "sorry"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this helpful hombre
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After careful analysis of mass shootings, police advise that members of the public who find themselves in the midst of one should "run away, hide, or fight back." This report was delivered by police spokesmen Capt. Obvious and Detective N.S. Sherlock
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Whoever wrote this list of 10 ways to cure boredom at work, was so bored that they missed, "Just do your farking job or you're fired"
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Arm yourself, it's 'International Pillow Fight Day'
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Homeless guy who shares the same name as an apartment building owner continually tries to take ownership of it. Fark: He successfully got out of jail by using it as collateral. Bonus: His day job is being a blind street photographer
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News: People arrested at a protest. FARK: They were arrested for protesting a bylaw which requires protesters to submit a route prior to the start of the demonstration. Irony: They didn't submit a route
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Turns out, the best way to convince people to get the MMR vaccine is an old-fashioned measles outbreak
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Paris is going to cut its grass by putting sheep in charge, expected to be very ewes-ful
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The Battle Over Top Speed: Since 2010, the Bugatti Veyron Super Sport "World Record Edition" has held the mantle as the fastest production car in the world, but Hennessey Performance of Texas says not so fast
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Cats may have catnip, but dogs get medical marijuana
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| (Some Hairy Guy) |
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Photoshop theme: Historical people in modern jobs. LGT inspiration
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Pork found in Ikea's møøse lasagna. In other news Ikea now sells møøse lasagna
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Sheriff lands in the middle of pastry brouhaha, bringing unkneaded controversy to one Iowa town
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Mexicans fined in Canada for trying to export: A) Guns, B) Drugs, C) Polar bears?
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He's seven. His mom has Lou Gehrig's Disease. He thought up a fundraiser for her, and his aunt and several volunteers are making it happen. The dust is strong with this one
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You are traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the Bikini Photo Op
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Yes we all agree that topless feminists are great but its time to talk about the real revolution, the Topless Beer Can Revolution
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Wanna bet how long Intrade will be around?
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Who has the best sex in America? Let's start this with "NOT Subby" :(
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Transgender high school student wins right to wear dress to prom. No word on whether it will be an original Wang
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Police departments receive training in dealing with 'sovereign citizens'. Regicide?
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When you operate a medical marijuana dispensary you expect protesters. But when the protesters are marijuana patients and caregivers you may want to rethink your business strategies
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When you're dancing naked in the middle of the street at 8:00 AM because you crashed your car after smoking a mix marijuana and embalming fluid, it's time to do some soul searching
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English pub carved from flaming wrecks of 1588 Spanish Armada, which survived the firebombs of the Nazis, ordered to paint over woodwork in case it catches fire. Beer will still be warm
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You don't have to wear a wedding ring to prove to your spouse that you're committed...but pawning it to pay for a hooker might cause some trouble at home
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Seattle to build nation's first food forest. Finally, a place where you can make your own trailmix by hand
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Millions of underground bugs with orange legs, red eyes, and clear wings with orange veins, that have been sucking fluids from tree roots, are about to burst from the earth in the biggest inundation of Magicicada septendecim since Brood X
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these waste watchers
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Dogs Wearing Pantyhose is newest meme in China right now and OH GOD MY EYES (w/pics)
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Lazarus, the "vampire" kitty with a cleft palate, is in training right now to become a therapy pet. Hopefully he will be out in time for Caturday to bite you with love
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God threatens to kill President Obama and the entire Lee County Sheriff's Department
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Georgia man attempts to make bacon. Fresh bacon. Really, really fresh bacon. Bonus: In front of children
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Cracking your knuckles can't give you arthritis, but it sure as hell can annoy the hell out of everyone around you
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Deal reached in Trayvon Martin case
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Women love their dogs more than they love their men. Those biatches
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A last ride in a 1941 Packard for a man who loved cars
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| Fri April 05, 2013 |
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If you want to study an asteroid, all you need to do is lasso one with a robotic spaceship. This according to a US Senator
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You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude
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How to put a Russian billionaire's nose out of joint? Build a bigger super-yacht
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Maryland town begins taxing rainwater. Residents wonder what precipitated the decision
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Robynn Fried was two weeks away from being homeless when she heard a knock at the door, that's when a 14-year-old boy selling newspapers helped turn her life around
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these brussels sprouts
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"She had been starving after spending two weeks in the wild when she devised an innovative way to catch fish using her private parts as bait and then trapping her meal between her legs"
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Please don't use a normal dishwasher to clean your gynecological instruments. Even if it leaves them spot-free
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How friendly is the relationship between China and Best Korea right now? Well, when Chinese officials refer to Kim Jong-Un as "Fatty Kim" or "Fatty The Third", what does that tell you?
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Parental oversharing is a social-media nightmare, and one woman has declared war on cuteness
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Fusion? Really? C'mon guys. All you need is a little dilithium and a tippling Scotsman in a red shirt
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Journalist and filmmaker who immersed himself in homelessness for story research strays just a little too far into method-acting territory
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The awesomeness of being a firefighter: cooking chili with the boys, the cool dalmatian, washing the fire engine, getting paid to work out, sliding down the pole, sending emails of penis-shaped pasta to co-workers
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When parking your car always watch that last ramp in the parking garage, it could be a doozy
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A photo captures the awe inspiring terror induced by the rare Tigerador. Be afraid, be VERY afraid
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Photoshop these New Yorkers going for a ride
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English major accepts reality, inquires if thou dost desire a portion of a potato-based comestible of substantial magnitude with thine meal
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Meals on bricks
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The food in your freezer might kill you. Film at 11
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It's Friday, and that means it's time for the Weird News Quiz. Also time for drunken shenanigans on Bourbon Street, but that's a different story altogether
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Brooklyn judge slaps Birther with $177,000 fine for being an idiot
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Stop me if you've heard this one before: There's a new Apple-killer about to hit the market. No, I'm serious
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Old and busted lottery winner: I'm not going to quit my job. New and hot lottery winner: I'm going to stay homeless, I like my tent
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Rare turtle species, driven to extinction by human activity, suffers even more by being driven to having never existed in the first place
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Please note: If you request time off for the deaths of your parents, uncle, aunt, brother and ex-husband, you're either going to be fired for lying, or for being bad luck to be around
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An interview with Haiti's hottie tourism Minister. Yes, I'll say that again: Haiti has a Minister of Tourism
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Are you ready to panic? Bird flu has already killed 6 people in China. SIX PEOPLE. Quick, everybody get vaccinated again
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South Korea deploys warships to track North Korean missiles if launched, possibly by following the trail of debris floating in the ocean
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Passenger takes care of security problem instead of TSA. The current score appears to be: Passengers - 3, TSA - 0
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Guns are welcome on the premises. Please keep all firearms holstered unless the need arises. In such case, judicious marksmanship is greatly appreciated by all. Enjoy your meal
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For what it's worth, switchblades are about to be legalized in Kansas. Abortion, Sunday liquor sales, medical marijuana and the study of evolution still waiting
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Officer: "I'm going to let you off with a warning this time. Oh, also, here's your pot back"
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If you want to help feed the poor in Miami, you have to have the proper permits...even if you're a nun
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When Fidel Castro tells you to knock it off you've officially pissed off everyone in the world
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Photoshop theme: Photoshop what might happen at this year's World Fark Party
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Man who police described as "most notorious child porn downloader they've taken into custody" looks exactly the way you think he does
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A federal judge in Brooklyn has ordered the FDA to make the morning-after birth control pill available over the counter to people of any age without a prescription. Some people are sure to have a problem with this
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Cool and Scary tags hold on to Sad while touring this abandoned Masonic Retirement home hidden just outside of NYC
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Hey, let's go to the great Philadelphia Pong meet
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Cooling system at Fukushima nuclear plant fails for the second time in a week after workers fark it up trying to keep rats from eating it. D'oh
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You may think you've heard of tough battles, but try 11 Victoria Crosses awarded to members of 150 man force. Oh, and a forgotten man of that force has now been found
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Photoshop this unopened poppy, bud
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Kim Jong-Un: A mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a windtalker wrapped in Scooby-Doo episode wrapped in bacon
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Rare twin ponies born on Easter Sunday. No word on whether one was a unicorn and one was a Pegasus
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Police Chief resigns to devote more time to his newfound interest in "fine art" photography of college students, rather than face charges
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This changes everything: KFC to go boneless
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Drunk, naked and peeing on the front door of the police station is no way to get a room for the night, son. Oh wait, yes it is
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Freedom is truly on the wane in this country: Alaska town considers banning public defecation
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The folks at national pretzel sellers Auntie Anne's want their customers to know that an incident last week involving an employee who flung nacho cheese at some customers was not part of the chain's 'pretzel perfect' experience
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After being robbed and shot at, and the attackers scamper off to their pick-up truck to flee, do you A) call 911, B) thank the good Lord that you are alive, or C) jump into the bed of the truck as it drives off to try to retrieve your purse?
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School inadvertently teaches kids how capitalism works in the real world. Now everyone is pissed off about it
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"Son, stay in the car while I go pistol-whip that woman. Shouldn't take more than fifteen minutes"
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Doggers: People who have sex with strangers in public while others watch, The Sun is there (w/pics)
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Dementia called costliest illness after pancakes, clean cheese, and picnic apes says Socko the Happy-Turtle
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Six things you need to know about the Arkansas oil spill
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This may come as a shock to some of you, but the Church of Scientology ran a sham drug treatment center to recruit members and scam people out of money
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Know your cuts of meat? Think again
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| Thu April 04, 2013 |
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If you've cut millions in benefits and services to the disabled because you claim the system is "broken" and abused by "scroungers", you probably shouldn't let your chauffeur park your £50,000 land rover in a disabled parking space
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Majority of Americans: "Legalize it"
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Now THIS is a face of meth
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Thirty-five years ago, a hiker stumbled upon a plane crash in the mountains of Montana, with no evidence of survivors at the scene. Now, the crash seems to live only in its discoverer's memory, as not even the NTSB has any record of it ever occurring
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Indian man has axe to grind, takes it out on 5 girls and 4 women
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CDC to prepare bird flu vaccine, Just. In. Case
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Photoshop this man in a pan
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World's best dad pushes his disabled son through more than 1,100 endurance events, gets his own statue. Bonus: They've never finished last
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| (Some Guy) |
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Ugly-ass baby river otter gets a none-too-gentle swimming lesson from Mom
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$4,500 in cash ✓ Marijuana ✓ Xanax ✓ Oxycodone ✓ Toddler ✓ Double Texting ✓
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Latest from entitled, butthurt, college-rejected high schooler whose open letter was posted by the Wall Street Journal: "It's a satire"
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Your homeowners' association can probably kick you out for smoking pot. Start stocking up on incense now
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So you know that phrase where someone says, "I'm going to shove my foot up your @$$"? Yeah, about that
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Norway forced to cancel class testing due to: A) Teacher's strike; B) Controversy surrounding the content of the exams; or C) Justin Bieber is playing a concert
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Georgia: Hey Tennessee, mind if we move our border a bit and take your river water? Tennessee: You can have our whiskey, but you ain't getting any of that water
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You can tell Spring has arrived in Indiana because the birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, and the locals keep getting arrested for wearing little to no-clothing. "So what if they saw my (breasts)?"
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Imagine having this family for inlaws: a Google Senior VP, a Stanford Physics Professor, a UCSF Pediatrics Professor, a Time Magazine "Invention of the Year" founder, and an award-winning teacher. But one son-in-law is doing ok--he co-founded Google
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Photoshop this bather and big bunny head
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U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency openly frustrated that they cannot crack Apple's iMessage encryption to listen in on suspects
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Two thumbs down
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'I resented the time my children consumed. Like parasites, they took from me and didn't give back`
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Scooter companies may be swindling the nation's seniors. Those rascals
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Four officers responsible for sinking that US Navy minesweeper have been "reassigned pending investigation." Any predictions on what Aleutian island they're going to be sent to?
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Stop me if you've heard this one before: A stolen goat walks into a bar in Butte
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Worst. Treehouse. Ever... is actually pretty cool
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There is unrest in the forest, There is trouble with the trees, For the maples want some respite, From the farking syrup thieves
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Someone just leaked to investigative journalists 260 gigabytes of data containing 30 years worth of records for over 100,000 offshore shell companies and trusts in 186 countries linked to some of the world's most powerful people. Let the games begin
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"Paramedics cut a hole in the fence to get [him] down. He was taken to a local hospital with the spike still in his leg. [He] said he regrets hopping the fence and won't take shortcuts home anymore"
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Remember the school shooting in 2010 at Hastings Middle School in Minnesota that left six students dead? Me either. But if you do, the National Rifle Association would REALLY like you to corroborate the story they apparently pulled out of their ass
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Anonymous hacks Best Korea's silly Flickr and Twitter accounts, makes them sillier
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The National Weather Service, annoyed by The Weather Channel's naming of lesser storms, is broadening the definitions of "hurricane" and "tropical storm". The Weather Channel to start naming individual clouds
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Nothing to see here. Move along. FAA puts no-fly zone over Arkansas oil spill
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Why you should hold onto your grudges. You hear that, modmins? Those were some awesome headlines of mine you redlit this morning, you bastards
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Martin Luther King, Jr's last 32 hours
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Woman arrested for the murder of a man on I-Drive. If only he'd hidden behind a partition
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♫Fish, fish, fish eat fish. Fish, fish, fish eat fish. Fish, fish, fish eat fish♫
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Massachusetts pot regulators welcome Big Weed
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Have you ever wished to stash away money in your own off-shore account to avoid taxes? Now you can with this interactive explanation of how it all works
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"Thanks for these spiffy NYPD police uniforms Officer Jose, they sure do make us do some fine 'police work'"
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America's "hookup culture" isn't a problem, and the reason people aren't having as much promiscuous sex they'd like is because rejection is a big part of romance, especially when you're ugly
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Mexican restaurant replies to dissatisfied customer on Facebook: "I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly"
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Fast food employees have secretly planned a surprise strike that could halt operations at more than fifty chain restaurants across the US, and said strike is scheduled for today
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The pizzaburger has landed IN CANADA
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Maryland becomes first state in the union to pass gun control law mandating fingerprint checks for buyers, magazine and assault weapon bans, and purchasing restrictions based on mental health
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God makes himself known -- on a Goldfish cracker
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Make your 50th bust in same city special: Man accused of swiping $1,000 of eatery's booze, found handing out shots at nearby park
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Hey, kid. You ever wanted to be a puppeteer?
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Farking lasers, what CAN'T they do
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Trooper directing traffic at DUI stop is hit by large truck, flies through the air, lands, gets up, and oh, she mad
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| (Some Guy) |
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Senator Rockefeller to Carnival Cruise Lines: The Coast Guard spent $4.2 million responding and rescuing you 90 times over five years. When will you pay up? Carnival: Never. It's a "maritime honor" to rescue distressed ships
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Despite the intense competition, this kid is easily the worst teenager on Instagram
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It's easy to remember 'principle' vs. 'principal' - the principal of your school is your pal. Especially if she has sex with you and two of your friends
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Scientists create drug that "has killed every kind of cancer tumor it has come in contact with". Still no cure for.....um, hold that thought
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Photoshop these colorful characters
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How exactly do you steal 6 MILES of copper wire, and nobody notice?
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Forget drink or drugs. This dude was banned for driving "under the influence of drum and bass"
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Woman files insurance claim for expensive items stolen from her car. Pro Tip: When providing store receipts to the cops, make sure the business is open on the dates specified. Bonus: This is not Florida
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One naked man, some floating logs, a river full of crocodiles and a bet, what could possibly go wrong? (Image might be Not Safe For Work if you work in a really uptight office)
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Are you bald? Congratulations, you're gonna have a heart attack. Probably from seeing a small Wookie worth of hair in the drain every morning
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Pro tip: If you get a call from police saying the rental car you are driving has been reported stolen, stop driving it. Immediately
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Seven Cuban ballet dancers defect while on tour in Mexico. No Bolshoi
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Notes from drivers education class in 1969
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Turns out Scotty was shot six times while storming Juno beach on D-Day. Sniper Mr. Rogers is impressed
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Some Guy: "I calculate that my cash-on-hand falls well below the $10,000 threshold." Border Gestapo: :: Clikka-clikka :: "Nope. Sorry, Citizen. We are, however, grateful for the much-needed boost to Stephen Harper's Sweater Vest Fund"
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Rules of good nutrition that absolutely everybody agrees on
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Trenton, NJ city councilwoman finds out the hard way the "blue waffle" internet meme. WARNING: DO NOT GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH THIS AT WORK OR IN FRONT OF YOUR FAMILY OR AT ALL FOR THAT MATTER FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY
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Good news frequent flyers - modern airplanes have a crumple zone that absorbs the impact in a plane crash. Bad news wealthy frequent flyers - it's called "first class"
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From the you're not helping file: US Embassy in Egypt tweets Jon Stewart's rant about Egypt, causes diplomatic incident
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After being targeted by bullies and attacked with a tennis racket, 18-year-old woman loses nearly half her body weight, is now totally smoking hot and hittable. Take THAT bullies (w/before and after pics)
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Business offers window washing, pressure washing and gutter cleaning by men dressed in kilts. Things are definitely looking up
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A hot shave can be very relaxing, if you don't try heating the shaving cream can on the stove
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| (Farktography) |
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 413: "Ghost Towns". Details and rules in first post. LGT cache with next week's theme
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| Wed April 03, 2013 |
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Say, remember when we discovered those venomous tarantulas as big as your face? Good times
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Food scientists successfully crossbreed glazed donuts with Egg McMuffins
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Fort Knox in lockdown after shooting. Authorities on the lookout for a gold obsessed German, a burly Korean in a bowler and, as always, Pussy Galore
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Do you recall Macon, GA's first integrated prom? I can't believe it... Hasn't happened yet
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Just so you know, if you duct tape a little boy and hang him by his ankles then force him to sit in his soiled clothes, your day care center is going to be shut down
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I know why the caged bird shoots
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Man behaves pretty much the way his mugshot would lead you to expect
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Some spineless brute with a knife stabs his childhood pal leaving him paralyzed. Saudi Arabian court decides to go the "eye for an eye" route
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If you buy a regular-sized gray dress at Target, it's called "heather gray." If you buy the plus-sized version, it's called "manatee gray." Hmmm
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Best Leader has final approval to launch nukes
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Photoshop these Sydney Super Sliders
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FARK lends support for the rally to demonstrate reforming the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, to be held on April 13 in Boston's Dewey Square Park. (7th paragraph)
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Man, I'm tired of my job as a legal advisor. I think I'll go outside, hang around this building, and take pictures of myself
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Spudzooka used to launch potatoes, damage property, make fries
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North Korea vows military actions against the US, and they really mean it this time. Why are you all laughing? They really do
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Carnival Triumph breaks loose from dock, is drifting, and has a hole in the stern. This story is not a repeat, but the event is
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"And this is us here with Hitler by the Eiffel Tower"
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Photoshop this pro-union person
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Beeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaannnnnsssss
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Vidal Sassoon's final heir cut, FBI searches for missing Brown student-finally, and Bud Light goes after those who like it in the can: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 3/24 - 3/30
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Apparently this bears repeating: If you're going to rob, decapitate and dump the body of a famous celebrity, DO NOT get in a car crash on the way to her house. If you do, get rid of the detailed written instructions of your well-thought-out plan
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Gawker issues a brutal takedown of the entitled, butthurt, college-rejected high schooler who got her open letter published by the Wall Street Journal
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Florida Family Policy Council says gay scoutmasters won't be molesting boy scouts, but boy scouts will be molesting each other, if the ban against gays is lifted
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If you tow a car away from an accident site, you might want to make sure there are no dead bodies in the driver's seat. Isn't that right officer?
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Kerry on wayward Un
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"one such mistake resulted in 18 patients at St. Charles Medical Center in Bend receiving colonoscopies with equipment that was not disinfected"
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If you're going to call 911 about someone screaming for help, you might want to make sure it's not just a goat tied to a fence
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Why you probably suck at sex
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If you're a spy and the Nazis capture you, all you have to do is slip your handcuffs, escape your cell and trek 200 miles through snow while 900 enemy soldiers chase you. And swing from tree to tree to avoid leaving footprints. Easy
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Dear Abby, my girlfriend has huge implants and walks around the house topless all the time. I find it a turn off. Do I have a penis?
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Dispatcher: 911, what is your emergency? Caller: My phone won't call out. It says emergency numbers only
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"Molten lava of 1,000 degrees Celsius? Oh sure, I'll kayak next to that"
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Spanish princess to testify to whether or not her husband misused public funds. Isn't that the point of a Monarchy?
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Store owner is arrested for using food stamps to purchase inventory
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Boston Globe reporter goes undercover as taxi driver and wrecks cab. The Boston Herald is there
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Woman forged prescriptions ordered for her dead dog in order to get better drugs for herself
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You could live in a tree house year-round. Or you could crash in a human-sized bird's nest made out of sustainably harvested wood
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Let's celebrate remarkable women, with a photo of three white guys
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Sting balls quell LA jail riot, Trudie Styler
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Guinea pigs aren't just popping up in cages in suburbia; no, they're starting to appear on dinner plates too
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Krispy Kreme gives engaged couple a THOUSAND donuts. This will not end well
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When your twin boys are fighting with machetes and frying pans it's best to not interfere
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Prosecutor heading up the case against an Aryan hate group in Texas resigns over security reasons, sends letter to every member of the defense so their clients don't kill him like they killed the two other prosecutors
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If you are approached by a drunk man giving away free cake from the cake boss, while hundreds are lined up to buy them a block away, remember: The Cake Is a lie
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Two prisoners escape Texas jail, should be considered armed and pantsless. Repeat, pantsless
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In the world you have your Dina Lohans and your Kris Jenners, and then you have these kind of parents
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Before you squirt pepper spray into the face of the teenager you say molested you as you walked to your apartment, first make sure it's not a case of mistaken identity
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Kim Jung Un is not crazy. He might just be worried about a coup
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US [battling | supporting] [insurgent | freedom] fighters being trained in safe havens across the border from [Afghanistan | Syria]
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The Wall Street Journal goes full Onion as it publishes an open letter from a high school senior to all the colleges who rejected her application
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The ring that inspired the Tolkien's One Ring goes on display amid high security because it's precious
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Publisher's Weekly has named Square Books in Oxford, Mississippi, as the Bookstore of the Year. What do you bet they have a cat?
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"If you call any other Christian on this page a 'bibliophile' I will ban you." -Best-selling author and creationist Ray Comfort. To be fair, he thought it meant "a cross between a pedophile and the Bible"
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Photoshop this cruise ship couple
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If you're worried that China will eventually take over the world, relax. They're not going to make it through THE AIRPOCALYPSE
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Florida man discovers that moisture is the essence of wetness and wetness is the essence of beauty
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Pat Robertson complains that Americans have gotten too educated to be fooled by God's pranks
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Arbeit macht fry
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Legal pot sellers realize they have to pay taxes to the government for their drugs, realize they can't afford it
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Why waste time stealing mail from a household mailbox when you can save time by stealing the entire post office drop box?
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Online Dating Horror Story 1,043; San Dimas guy tries to impress chick on their first date by crashing into car ahead of them & attacking the driver...who bearhugs guy, then lets him go
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Serial rapist with violent behavior and moderately high risk of reoffending to be released to halfway house after serving 2/3 of 37 year sentence. What could possibly go wrong?
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North Korea has shut down the Kaesong complex
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For the same price of a measly one-bedroom London flat you can have this historic 21-bedroom mansion in the countryside
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Inexperienced kayaker calls 911 to help stranded friend. 911 dispatcher calls her own mom to the rescue
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If you're appearing in court to plead guilty to DUI, do you: (a) drive to court on a suspended license, (b) park in a judge's reserved parking space, or (c) both?
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City of LA: "How about bright green bike lanes downtown for improved bicyclist safety?" Location scouts: "How about no?"
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NJ man arrested for stealing $117,108 worth of perfume. That makes a lot of scents
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Launder billions in drug money? That's a slap on the wrist. But messing with standardized testing? That's a jailing
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Historical paintings of women updated to represent today's standard of beauty. Still below studman69's standard (Artistic nudity)
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Not news: Shots fired at U.S. Border Patrol agents. News: In Washington State. Fark: One suspect escaped INTO Canada
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Photoshop this fellow on a stick
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Patience, young grasshopper is how you make a perfect replica of yourself
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Ron Jeremy checked with his doctor, is healthy enough to engage in sexual activity
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"The man was fired last month after bringing a dead bird to work and claiming it was his mother, according to police"
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Man loses over 150lbs in order to meet the woman of his dreams. Himself
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Geez ... you guys act like you've never seen a man armed with a semi-automatic weapon riding a bulldozer before
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Dear Prudie: if gays weren't oppressed, my secretly lesbian grandmother wouldn't have gotten married so me and my homophobic siblings wouldn't be here. Should I tell them they're right?
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Photoshop this astro-impersonator
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Second-grader repeatedly suspended over unpleasant smell. School officials have ruled out teen spirit
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Don't like the movie we're showing on United Airlines? Here, let us make an emergency landing and escort you off the plane
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Most nationalistic headline of the day, eh: "Visa spat with Canada settled over a double-double at Tim Hortons in UAE"
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Good Dog: Helps you rescue a young girl from an icy river. Great Dog: Goes back into the frigid water to pull out a second girl
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"Fox and Friends" guest answers the great theological question that has plagued mystics, holy men, and philosophers for centuries: "what, exactly, does God SMELL like?"
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Just a 1,400-word column about two vegans who thought they were overcharged after bringing their own uncooked pasta to a restaurant
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Old and busted: verbing weirds language. New hotness: nominalizations responsible for language weirdification
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Unable to look himself in the eye, man testifies against his brother
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Married owners of AshleyMadison.com defend their service...well to us they do. Behind each other's backs they are using Craigslist
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Yes I like beer. Yes I like ice cream. Wha-wha-what
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Assault with papayas and a mooning over an unwelcome invitation for sexy time, Or, as it's known in Florida, Tuesday
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Citing that North Korea has gone too far, UN to change font on "Strongly Worded Letter" from Comic Sans to Times New Roman
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Ok, Pope made me cry now
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Chicago's murder rate plummets as pool of potential victims dwindles
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Let this be a lesson to all five-month-old babies: if you're just going to lay there and be an accomplice to your mom jumping subway fare, you WILL end up with a face full of pepper spray
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You had me at "half-naked zombie ex-girlfriend"
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Now that Facebook is now officially the province of your parents, your halfwit cousins, your Teabagger uncle, and a bunch of cat-hoarding fatties, teens are fleeing the network likes rats off a sinking ship
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Immortals fight on holy ground
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Student: YOLO. School: SUSPENDED
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The flare guns in Walmart work. You don't need to test them in the store
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Apparently Arianna Huffington parties like a 60's rock star. Just not in the good way
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Mothers brawl during Easter egg hunt, give Seattle police a reason to make bad egg-related puns
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Philadelphia uses mimes and clowns to remind drivers and pedestrians about the dangers of texting, haunt them in their nightmares
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Not news: Undertaker gives his wife a private burial in a secluded location. Fark.com: Police are still looking for the body
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Coming soon to a catwalk near you: hagfish slime
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Dear God: We found your golf ball in the water hazard. Sincerely, The U.S. Navy
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Rare Bettie Page pictures to be auctioned off to highest bidder with hairiest palms
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$390 million for a water slide? Okay, and a penthouse suite too
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NJ Gov Chris Christie signs bill banning children from using tanning beds, tanning sprays and salad bars
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"I observed a yellow stream coming out of the defendant's groin area and puddle onto the railing. Two subjects sitting next to the defendant were yelling at the defendant, telling him he 'was disgusting' and 'there were kids in the park.'"
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Waffle House employee calls 911 to report robbery as April Fools joke on coworkers. Police do not pity the fool
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"You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off the ATM"
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Photoshop these shepherds searching for sheep in the snow
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Best Korea is restarting its nuclear reactor to obtain more fuel for nuclear weapons. The way things are going, they may wind up getting some of those materials sooner than they're planning on
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America's oldest woman dies again at 113
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I know it's right before NOLA, but Drew will be at Stone Brewing in Escondido on 4/2. So, FARK PARTY
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Eighty-year-old woman dies after falling down garbage chute; coroner to perform a compost-mortem
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Not news: People have a problem with their neighbors. News: Because the smell of the pot growing in their is overwhelming. Fark: No government agency, including the Portland Police, will bother to get involved
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Airline introduces a new system for passenger air-fares. Scales
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Pics from a zoo in Argentina where you can go to get nuzzled by a lion, licked in the face by a brown bear, or you can scratch a tiger's belly. What could possibly go wrong?
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The sweetest little puppies you'll see all day
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Scientists develop bacteria that metabolize caffeine into E. coli after studying musicians in Portland and Seattle
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Hooking up with a 16 yr. old girl you met on Facebook to have sex is usually going end being a police sting, or a group of people who are going to kick your ass and rob you. This time it wasn't the police
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If you're going to graffiti an 18-story building without proper climbing gear, have a friend watch so your body can be retrieved quickly
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| Mon April 01, 2013 |
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"He just goes out to bars and drinks dressed up like a bunny"
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Thailand's engineers one-up the Italians by building a tower that is leaning at 40 degrees...so far
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Obvious: children like brownies and gummy bears. Bad: In Colorado, many of those are filled with THC, increasing the number of children in the ER for pot poisoning since 2009 by infinity
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I don't have any kids. But I'm a condescending urban douchebag who writes for the New York Times, so I know more about how you should be raising your kids than you do
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Boston Market unveils new rib meal, deflects attacks from nutritionists on half-rack that consists of 1100 calories, 74g of fat, 2,670mg of sodium, and 40g of sugars. "It's a new product that will appeal to a wide audience"
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Photoshop Theme: Make a more accurate logo for a prominent company
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My best birthday? When my friends kidnapped me for the surprise party and the police got involved
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We spend dirty, crumpled money faster because other people have touched it
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North Korea to USA, "April fool"
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Buckwild "star" found dead. No not that one. Not that one either. Yeah, the redneck one
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Photoshop theme: Congress has just a passed a bill protecting genetically modified seeds from litigation for health risks. Photoshop what these lawsuit-free mutant seeds might produce
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"Here, we test the hypothesis that masturbation, or Firsthand Autonomous Pleasure (FAP), when performed on a daily basis, can directly lead to weight loss"
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Siri direct me to to the theater. Siri: left at the next block and past CVS where Bounty paper towels are on sale $1 a roll. Grab a roll today. Bounty, the quicker picker upper. Continue down the block and turn right. Theater is on the right
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Not an April Fools' joke: Powerball winner covers rent for his neighborhood
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Ohio man hits bottom again
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Don't you hate it when you finally get to sleep at 5:00 AM and some jerk starts pounding on your window?
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