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| Sun February 03, 2013 |
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Awesome: Winning all expense paid trip to the Superbowl. Not so awesome: Denied entry to the US because of a drug conviction. 2 grams of marijuana. 32 years ago
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Fark-ready headline of the day: "Men in women's lingerie rob man in Airline Highway motel room"
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Teenager arrested for thinking he's Doogie Howser, MD
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News: Cute 17-year-old student scores perfect 2400 on her SATs. Fark: Two of her classmates also ace the test (w/pics)
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DNA used to prove "Yeti" terrorizing Russia for three years is an American
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Photoshop this parker
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McDonald's may drop the McDouble from their Dollar Menu after realizing they lose money on it
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Detroit high school coach shows how a good guy with a gun on campus can stop a bad guy with a gun
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Chicago police will no longer respond to 911 calls in person unless someone is needed to come mop up
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Elderly man shows reporter what hard hitting journalism is all about (w/video)
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After 200 years, Paris makes women's pants legal. In other news, women's pants were illegal in Paris
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Fire destroys 119-year-old cheese factory and 3 million dollars worth of cheese. Canadians begin stocking up on cheese curds for their poutine
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Flight from Canada to the Dominican Republic grounded because of: A) Potential terrorist attack, B) Bad weather, C) Smokers
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As of tomorrow, Canada will stop making pennies, so you'll always get a nickel back
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Your dog does not want tofu steak
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You have a right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney one will be appointed and we will bill you. If you do not pay the bill, you will go to a maximum-security jail
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Slate columnist slams a Conservative WND "author" who just released a twelve-step book on "How to Choose a Husband," a book that tells women the important skills are "be nice, cook, have sex, and be subservient"
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| (Some Squid) |
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Photoshop this promachoteuthis sulcus
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Step 1) School system to copyright and claim ownership over all teacher and student work. Step 2) ???? Step 3) Profit
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Not news: Abusive woman refuses to leave local mall. News: Overzealous security guard tasers her, catching it all on video. Fark: Gets a $20,000 tip from fans on the internet for it
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Can the pit bulls refrain from getting arrested? Are the collies too busy saving someone stuck in a well to play? Will the pugs be full of derp? And what of the Kitten halftime show? It's Puppy Bowl IX, 3 PM on Animal Planet
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NRA's Wayne LaPierre gets skewered. FARK: On Fox News
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| (Some Really Jealous Guy) |
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89 basement bars that would make it OK to be still living in your mom's basement. For the rest of you farkers, you're still losers
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Because they can
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Sure you can eat your game day wings & sweet potater tots just like last year, or you can raise the bar and dine on Kangaroo, Alligator fixed on a robata grill
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News: 31-year old Minnesota woman faces assault charges after home invasion. Not News: Woman was armed during the attack. Fark: With a squirt gun
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| (Some Guy) |
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Woman claims she has been living someone else's life for the last six months and has no memory of what actually happened to her. She asks investigators, "Did I fall asleep?"
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Student creates incident after inhaling crushed smarties. Scene declared safe after student exploded at remote location
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Clearly what we need is more citizens carrying spears. Geez, at some point it's going to start getting tough to carry all this weaponry around
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It's the 100th anniversary of the 16th Amendment to the Constitution. Enjoy your right to pay taxes, citizen
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More rocket launchers show up in gun buy back (this time in Florida). It's just so hard to find the ammo these days
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"Smash. Smash. SUH-MAAASH"
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Come to NYC and see the lovely cascading waterfalls in Trump Tower, Central Park, the 23rd St. subway station
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Protip: if you steal audio equipment from a church, try not to resell it at the same store where church leaders might be shopping for new equipment
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Today is the 54th anniversary of the day the music died. In rememberance, drive your Chevy to the levee
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Photoshop these flying competitors
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Vodak, if it's good enough for me, it's good enough for my kids
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To the Farkers that predicted Boeing's extensive outsourcing and lack of oversight on the 787 design would come back to bit them in the ass, stand up and say 'I told you so'
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Boy battles rare condition that leaves him blinded by light, revved up like a deuce
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New Jersey school institutes no cursing rule for students...unless you have a penis. Then you're farking golden
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The burning question: Is self-immolation worth it?
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It's no (HIC) laughing matter (HIC)
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Sick of your colleagues? Why not work in a bubble: Literally
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Chris Kyle, the deadliest sniper in U.S. history, shot and killed at rifle range
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| Sat February 02, 2013 |
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After almost being murdered by the Taliban for promoting girls' education, Malala Yousufzai becomes the youngest person ever to be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize
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High school student suspended for possession of deadly JPEG
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Photoshop these flying sledsmen
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Mindless killing machines, guarding YOUR children?
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_/\__/\_ _/\__/\__/\_ _/\__/\__/\_ *shake*shake*shake* ____ ________ _____ ________
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Yahoo's pick for Best Beer in a Can: Coors Light ... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA UCANTBESERIOUS
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Adult actress, 32-year-old Coco Brown, in training to be first porn star...IN SPAAACE (w/pics)
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From the "This is why we can't have nice things" desk: 45% of Americans say they believe in ghosts
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Punxsutawney Phil predicts an early spring. This is a repeat
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Drunken bicyclist tries to buy his freedom from cops, still won't ever stop at a red light
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Bill O'Reilly claims the Middle East's problems have all been caused by "Hippies"
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Colombian military kills commander of FARC, which is a terrorist organization that happens to be a homonym of Fark, which is the website you are on right now. That website is run by Drew Curtis, who is in no way affiliated with FARC
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The ten most useless kitchen utensils ever made. Hey, that banana slicer is backwards
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You know that awkward moment when you are a judge and have to find a way to dismiss your own traffic charges?
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HS teacher and football coach rants about his dislike for Michelle Obama and gays in front of students. Invites them to complain to principal and school board. Student does just that. w/audio
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Photoshop this Buddha buffer
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Cold-hearted copper thieves steal all of the heaters from free health clinic, which can't afford to replace them. And you thought your doctor's hands were cold
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If you're one of the millions of Americans planning on watching this year's Super Bowl then make sure that you're inside a Faraday cage and your tin foil hat is securely in place
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What's worse than inadvertently finding a porn flick featuring your mom? How about inadvertently walking in while it's being filmed?
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Don't want anyone parking next to my Mercedes, so I'll just move this barrier and park safely inside the worksite. Surely the crew will tow my car to another safe area before beginning the resurface work
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2013 State of the Moths report is out. It's a bad time to be a V-moth but a good time to eat lichen and algae
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War veteran called a traitor. FARK: For driving a foreign car
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| (opednews.com) |
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Divine Feminine rises in Bolivia: mining town erects statue larger than Christ (the statue)
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Punxsutawney Phil predicts an early spring. This is a repeat
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Uncle Sam's dating advice
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East Cleveland sends USPS pictures of its vehicles running red lights. USPS lawyer sends back a picture of the Constitution
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Longview, Washington installs third squirrel bridge today
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Self-educated mothers everywhere are outraged that Canadians dropped Jenny McCarthy off a cancer benefit's roster, she claims it was due to autistic differences
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You are an officer on a Canadian Navy Ship and your wife cheats on you. Do you: 1) Divorce her, 2) Suck it up, or 3) Sell allied intelligence secrets to Russia
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White House puts rumors to rest by releasing official photo of Obama shooting his load
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Oh no, 250,000 self-important exhibitionists had their posting for people with two second attention span accounts hacked
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Good idea: you're drunk, so you take the bus home. Bad idea: you're drunk, so you take the bus and drive it into a snowbank
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News: Store in downtown Vancouver hit by a car. Fark: For the 10th time. (w/photo goodness)
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6.4 earthquake shakes Japan's Hokkaido island. EVERYBODY PANIC. Wait... No tsunami, no reports of damage, and the nearby Higashidori nuclear plant is doing just fine. Nevermind
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Harvard study concludes that fluoride saps and impurifies your precious bodily fluids
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Irish real estate developer reappears eight months after he vanished, claiming he was kidnapped, had a word carved into his forehead, and is now suffering amnesia. Sounds legit
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Navy pilot pens book on how to become a fighter pilot. Check out the reviews from other pilots who discover he's a nugget who has yet to fly a fighter jet
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Beware the Muffin Macer
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Photoshop this stark space
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Ingo Swann, inventor of Remote Viewing and Goat Staring, dead at 79. Didn't see that coming
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Hamdicapped
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A paralyzed cat with a twisted spine has learned to run with a little help from a high school robotics club. Flipper has a new set of wheels and is ready to race around the house this Caturday
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Worlds most pretentious wedding cake baker refuses to create cake for same-sex couple
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Just because a burglary is adorable doesn't mean it's right
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Alabama 'survivalist killer' wants own reality show in exchange for five-year-old hostage
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Today's random Jesus sighting brought to you by.......the back of a fish-shaped piece of Corona case
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Meanwhile, in the gun-free utopia of Canada
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Drunken, diapered man pees all over patrol car. "Nurses at Harborview later told officers they were forced to put a diaper on the man after he said he didn't care where he peed or who he peed on"
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Why American pisswater beer company wants to buy Mexican pisswater beer company
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Straight men are more depressed than gay men, because gay men don't have to listen to their wife nag constantly
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County Commissioner dead, found in lake with hands tied and a gunshot wound to the head, to be ruled suicide. Not sure I agree with you a 100% on your police work, there, Lou
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Facial hair. What is the meaning of this?
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NASA reveals that it knew ahead of time that Columbia's re-entry was probably going to end badly
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| Fri February 01, 2013 |
| (Momtastic.com) |
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We already know that dodge ball turns kids into violent abusers, and "tag" turns them into stalkers. Now we learn that letting your children play "hide and seek" can make them paranoid schizophrenics
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The urban myth about domestic violence increasing during the Super Bowl isn't true. But we're going to keep pretending it is because it raises awareness
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Energy drink with name that invokes 'prostitution in a can' pulled from store
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Ian Fleming's true successor has written 196 books, has friends in U.S. and Russian intelligence, and predicted Sadat's assassination and fall of Benghazi CIA outpost. He's also a 83-year old womanizing Frenchman who writes good sex scenes
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Photoshop this pollen placement
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Boy Scouts of America: "Oh alright, the gays can join, as long as they're not godless heathens"
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Fark Quiz time. Because honestly, you weren't really doing anything this late on a Friday
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Virginia governor Bob McDonnell proposes a $100 fee on hybrid drivers to replace the tax money they're not paying on gasoline. How's that smug taste now?
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"I was trying to make the horse have a baby"
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22 people who look worse than you in swimwear (w/ cringe-worthy, not-so-safe-for-work pics)
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It turns out that everyone has something to hide, including Iran and their monkey
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Photoshop this bandaged man
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I was just trying to get a glass of milk at 5am and a stranger on the street hugged me & gave me his SUV. I swear the bloody knives in the backseat aren't mine
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Because it was so successful last time, No-money-down mortgages are back
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The problem with DIY penis implants
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Senate Democrats get their 60 votes for the Violence Against Women Act. Subby's not sure if this warrants a "spiffy" tag for the vote or a "sad" tag for the fact that 60 votes were needed to break a GOP filibuster
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Man kidnaps girl that doesn't exist
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"A sexual 29-year-old is looking for a man." "Asexual 29-year-old is looking for a man." The difference a space can make
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"Dealing with food, water, and shelter in a harsh environment and building a community from scratch isn't a challenge, it's what we do for vacation," say Burning Man goers assisting in Hurricane Sandy cleanup. Gives "dusty in here" a new meaning
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California experiments with comfort lanes
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Idaho considering changing Welfare Day to Welfare Week
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NYPD Sgt. says affair with dead cop was consensual, monotonous
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Shooting on Lake Shore Drive leaves commuters Friday morning trouble bound
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The weather forecast for Halifax is cloudy with a chance of decapitation
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If you're going to head out on a carjacking spree, you might want to leave the half million dollars worth of pot back home
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German farmer lights up a Camel. Well, 86 of them, to be precise
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Mexican gas blast kills 25
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80-year-old woman shields her great grandson as a tornado destroys the house they're in. "She fought a tornado, and she won"
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101-year-old grandmother comes back from the dead. And so it begins
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Man stops into Burger King for a Whopper on lunch break, decides to grab a Whopper Jr. instead
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Now we can have cyanide & happiness
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Man finds whale vomit worth £100,000. Must've tried eating the Jonas brothers
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Have you every wanted to be a princess, or got a spare £450,000, then this two bedroom cottage in the grounds of a castle is for you
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Royal prank call DJs will not face charges, will just have to live with being mediocre radio pseudo-personalities
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Alaska Airlines plane lands safely after pilot passes out. Thankfully, the co-pilot had the lasanga
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North Korea continues a campaign of lies and deception by claiming not everyone likes big boobs
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Jesus is getting a makeover
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Good: Fireworks. Unsure: Fireworks truck. Bad: Fireworks truck explodes. Fark: Fireworks truck explodes on 100-foot-high bridge full of cars. (Aftermath pic)
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Photoshop this tyke on a trike
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Is your house really trying to kill you? Considering that it's Popular Mechanics which is asking, the answer is probably yes
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What is worse than attending the funeral of your wife?
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Video of man dressed in a zebra suit, pretending to have escaped from Japanese zoo after an earthquake, being "tranquillised" and recaptured. Yep, it's a slow news day, all right
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North Korea declares martial law. Citizens excited about their newfound freedoms
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For you end of the world types with cash to burn: Ex-RAF base complete with high-security fence and underground bunker for sale on eBay for a mere pittance
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My neighbour walks her girlfriend on a leash. How do I register my disapproval?
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Fark has enough stories of high school teachers hooking up with students how about one with a college professor for once
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Suicide bomber attacks US Embassy in Turkey, two reported dead
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"What the gun industry, the oil business, and the NFL have in common is that they'll never reform without outside regulation"
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Mysterious, purple spheres found in the desert. Or maybe groovy grape deco balls used in the local's "potted plants"
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Soldier admits to shooting friend to cure him of hiccups
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Try to save a puppy? Wal-Mart will fire you for that
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The DC area is bracing for a winter storm of gargantuan proportions that is expected to bring the morning commute to its knees and turn the entire region into an icy hell of snarled traffic and human misery. Total accumulation? Eh, about an inch
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"How'm I doing?" Sadly, not so good anymore
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New Zealand has jellyfish that makes you look hot in a bikini
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Teenager curbs seizures by eating sausage, mayonnaise, and cream, but not at the same time because that would be downright disgusting
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Normally this woman sets a bear trap in her house to catch burglars. She forgot to set it the night she was robbed, now the police suggests "she forego the bear trap and find a different way of protecting her home from intruders"
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Man's car insurance cancelled due to a) excessive speeding, b) impaired driving, or c) not wearing a helmet while skateboarding
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New study shows that vegetarians are 32% less likely to suffer from heart disease, 96% more likely to be insufferable
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How you lose your virginity may scar you for life
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| Thu January 31, 2013 |
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Burger King makes a whopper of an admission
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Photoshop Theme: The REAL meaning of Valentines Day
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Hitler's toilet found in New Jersey
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And for today's school shooting we have... Atlanta. 14-year old in hospital with gunshot wound to the head, one faculty member injured
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"He has convinced us that only God could come into our lives through the mouth," says 23-year-old woman about pastor who claimed his penis had been anointed with the "Holy Spirit divine semen"
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This will confuse those with dyslexia: Doritos is releasing Taco Bell-flavored chips
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It's difficult out in the wild for a bro with nothing but a cheese knife, blowtorch, French press, gin, tonic water, axe to throw at logs and a little nylon island all to himself
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Fark Foodies, share your culinary picks for Super Bowl Sunday
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At some point, according to investigators, the incident involved a chain saw, a bat, and a wooden pole with a knife attached
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Photoshop these outstanding outfits
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The waitress who posted the "no tip for you because I give God 10%" receipt from a pastor was fired after pastor demanded everyone involved be fired. How Christian
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Icelandic girl, formerly just known as 'girl', wins her court case. Please welcome Blær Bjarkardóttir, and try not to spit all over your monitor while pronouncing her last name
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"You can only get chicken pox once", "Don't go in the pool after you eat", "Drink 8 glasses of water every day", and other myths that plague society
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The city that was Tsaritsyn for a long time, then Stalingrad, then Volgograd, is once again Stalingrad, but only for 5 days a year
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Congratulations law students. You're now in the elite employment ranks of Future Starbucks Baristas, along with all those liberal arts masters degree holders
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Not to worry, but the latest viral infection is spread by bite from microscopic mites. Oh, there's no vaccine and it's now fatal? Actually EVERYBODY PANIC
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Mom buys five frozen pizzas, learns they contain trans fats, sues California Pizza Kitchen for $5 million
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The good news: Hiring is at an all time high. The bad news: at the IRS
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Virginia contemplating dropping the law against cohabitation of unmarried people, may even start jury trials in place of seeing if suspected criminals float when tossed into water
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Teacher fired for trimming bush
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Ninth-grade math teacher learns that 15 times 7 equals 10 to 20 (w/pic)
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The reason Coca-Cola decided to no longer use cocaine as an ingredient is because it made people uppity
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Snaggleteeth, a perennially popular cosmetic craze among Japanese women who desire to look endearingly childlike, inspire dental clinic to form world's first all-snaggletooth girl group TYB48
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Emergency service workers including firefighters from 80 fire companies, HAZMAT teams, and an elite brigade of Denny's line cooks rushed to a massive 8-alarm blaze at a breakfast food factory in Wisconsin
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Officer: "Let me help you up, sir." Drunk idiot: "Let me try to punch you in the face, officer"
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Meanwhile, in smog-choked Beijing, a Chinese entrepreneur is selling Perri-Air
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Chinese counterfeiters move from handbags and iPads up to where the real money is: Ambulances
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NJ Transit train strikes paint truck, creating new Jackson Pollock-inspired color scheme
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Man drowns when no one notices him at the bottom of the pool . . . at a party for 100 lifeguards celebrating no drownings that year
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| (Travel + Leisure) |
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What city has got the strangest people? Yea you're probably right
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Dog sentenced to death in Tennessee because he is 'gay'
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Teen wins biggest balls competition, shows cops black underwear that belonged to the woman he was sleeping with--the wife of a Navy SEAL
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Need money to purchase that cool used car? Just rob a bank during the test drive
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The nuclear waste storage facility next door
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Pro tip: If you're going to butt-dial someone, make sure it's not the cops during a drug deal
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Train rolls into the station. Literally
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Schindler's tryst
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Woman orders Grand Slam at Denny's
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9-year-old boy in home invasion nearly experiences the axe effect
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"A motorist has been awarded £7,000 compensation after being injured when his car was charged by a herd of stampeding buffalo"
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This CCTV footage looks shopped. I can tell from some of the pixels and from trying to get out of quite a few speeding tickets in my time
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Dogs, cats, and horses are OK to eat, but the Swiss draw the line at mouse paté
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Turns out the $1,400 in counterfeit bills a bank tried to pawn off on a customer weren't counterfeit at all. It's just the other bank he went to apparently has no idea what real money looks like
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Serbian prime minister left speechless after interviewer snatches his attention
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Going vegetarian may cut heart disease risk by a third. But in a world without bacon wrapped steak, is it really worth living?
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Consumer Reports rates cancer screening tests like they do toasters. "Probe cold, uncomfortable. Would it kill you to warm the hands before going up there? Seriously"
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Think getting it on drops the pounds? Think again. Sex only burns 21 calories
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Photoshop this steamy scene
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NJ man murders neighbor using military-style compound bow equipped with high-capacity quiver
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Not news: Drug lab in motel room blows up. News: Takes out the surrounding rooms (pic), leaves a man on fire from head to toe, and busies firefighters for 45 minutes. Fark: No meth here - they were processing marijuana
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Looking for an income boost? Government program leads to $11,000 income boost for participants. Details in article
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Sadistic methods of raising children all the rage in US
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China missile test sinks simulated US aircraft carrier, although the photo clearly shows they need 3 more red pegs
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French troops in Mali blocked by sandstorm. Dun dun dun dun. Dun dun dun dun. Err. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Dundundundundun dundundundundun
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If you're illegally growing marijuana in your home and somebody busts in and steals your hookahs, just let them go man
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Monkeys attack seven people in east Indonesian village; so you'd better get ready, they may be coming to your town
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Abusing your girlfriend is vile and disgusting and isn't even a joke. Abusing your boyfriend? There's an app for that, but it's cute so it's ok
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US Military and NASA testing new rigid airship prototype, expect it to be ready to take on the Kaiser sometime in 1918
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Afraid of heights? You might not want to check out these self-portraits
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What makes a good dive bar?
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Can't get reasonable health insurance? Start your own insurance company
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Quickest way to shut down an asshat in the background of your live shot? Ask them how long they've had an STD
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 404: "Contest Not Found". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed January 30, 2013 |
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Judge tells 12 year old vandal to get a job so he can pay back victims
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A lot of people are offended by the Volkswagen ad with the white guy faking a Jamaican accent. Except Jamaica's minister of culture and tourism, who loves it and wants to discuss a co-branding contract
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German man in Cookie Monster costume steals 44 pound golden cookie, then issues ransom note demanding free cookies for all the sick kids in town. That's good enough for me
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Mother and boyfriend have a special place in their hearts for mom's 8-year-old disabled daughter when they go to the movies. And by "special place", Subby means a wooden cage
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The CHP is not amused after more than 100 bikers shut down a busy freeway for a marriage proposal
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Ticketmaster dumps hard-to-read Captchas. "It is generally speaking one of the most hated pieces of user interaction on the web" say experts. Yes, and their Captchas are pretty annoying too
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The cutest collection of ugly-assed lion and tiger cubs you'll see today
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Photoshop this stellar sombrero
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College student files discrimination complaint because senior party will be at club with alcohol and she's not old enough to drink
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| (Food & Wine) |
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Chef Eddie Huang on disciplining his kitchen staff: "Dude, you just freebased off a Mountain Dew can. You gotta go"
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Going 112 mph? That's a ticket. 99 mph? That's another ticket. 88 mph? That's another ticket. 88 mph again? That's another ticket
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More than ten years after 9/11 and we still can't bring applesauce onto commercial flights
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Mafia-like groups of men known as "modesty squads" use threats of violence to enforce religious customs in Tehran. I'm sorry, did I say "Tehran?" I meant Brooklyn
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these uniformed, elastic-stretching demonstrators
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Three people shot in a Phoenix office complex. Clearly, we need to arm every cube dweller from now on
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If you can't get a 7-year-old to confess that he stole $5 after 10 hours of interrogation, he probably didn't steal it
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Telling a broad she could fill out a dirndl, is now frowned upon in Germany. Fark Fact: Dirndl, the low-cut dress often worn by waitresses at Bavarian beer fests
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Things to do....1) break out of jail 2) steal shoes 3) grab a beer at a bar 4) brag about breaking out of jail 5) go back to jail
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Con artist, who pretended to be a beauty queen on Facebook, banned from the internet. Wait, you can get someone banned from the internet? Cool
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| (Some Lucky Guy) |
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If you had ever wondered what the best and worst selling cars were in 1985 (and all 159 in between), then this is your lucky day
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Good-for-you molecule in beer discovered - brewers the world over unlikely to change recipes, but scientists hope to use the discovery to create new medicines
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Think you know everything about pot? Boy have we got the perfect job for you
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Wind turbine with a life expectancy of 25 years dies prematurely at age three
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China, Best Korea, Worst Korea, Iran, Japan, and India are setting up for one hell of an All Asian Space Race. Expect scantily clad bridge bunnies, flying space shrines, orbital propaganda billboards, and dwindling monkey populations
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"That's the unfortunate side of being a redhead. If you're a woman, you're a sex goddess. If you're a man, you're a dweeb"
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Professor criticized for comparing Alabama to Nazi Germany, as opponents argue that it would diminish their use of Nazis as a metaphor for Obama
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Twenty-eight parents who have successfully trolled their children
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Ohio + Wal-Mart = FARK
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Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, Banana Car
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You know when she asks you to help tidy up around the house? IT'S A TRAP
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School: No lunch money, no band practice. Kids: Sounds like a win-win
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Today's college freshmen do a better job lying on surveys about drinking than their parents did
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Russia seeks to raise birth rate by a) offering tax incentives; b) stoking nationalist pride; c) using the sweet, sweet sounds of Boyz II Men
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44% of Americans could not cover basic costs for three months if they lose their job
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Good morning parents, I'm gay. I've wanted to tell you for a long time. I thought doing it this way would be a piece of cake. I hope you still love me. I mean, it's hard not to love someone who baked you a cake
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New York governor wants to charge fee to plea bargain speeding tickets because traffic court judges are diverting too much state ticket revenue to their towns
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Egypt's Arab Spring experiencing the equivalent of tornado season
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HuffPo comes up with seven ideas for a new job for Sarah Palin. Surely, Fark can do better
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Pick your ban: Teen girl who performed at Obama's inauguration fatally shot in Chicago
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If your bank gives you $1400 in counterfeit bills, don't bother complaining because they'll just refuse to pass the buck
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If you took a picture of Portland's famous "White Stag" sign, you owe the city a $100 royalty. Subby reminds everyone that he purchased the Brooklyn Bridge photo rights, and is charging $50 for a one-time license
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City officials NaCl down on customers dropping salt in parking lots
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A field guide to caffeinating yourself into oblivion. Bonus: Subby has discovered Caffe Affogato and will never be the same
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That US Navy minesweeper is still stuck on the reef and can't get off on her own. New plan: open her wide and tear her a new one
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Photoshop this cold bench
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Protip: If you're a 17-year-old girl and rob a pizza delivery driver, make sure to take his phone and car keys. Otherwise he'll just follow you as you flee on your bicycle and call the cops
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5-year old threatened with suspension for making gun out of Legos. Capital J and L may be banned next
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On your birthday getting drunk is ok. Getting into a fight at McDonald's with a cop when they take too long on your order isn't. Bonus: Mother of suspect gives MOTY defense
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"Wait, you mean I shouldn't have allowed my students to wear KKK robes in class? Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?"
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Cheer up, kid. Someday you'll look back fondly at the memories of when you were nine and had to sell popcorn in order to support your family
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You've got ask where it all went downhill the night you find yourself going to a trailer to have sex with the woman who lives there, but balking when you see her husband pointing a shotgun at another customer running from the residence
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Meanwhile on Planet Spaceball
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Retired couple lives the American dream by traveling across the country attending high-profile courtroom trials. "You get the whole thing in court"
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"Dear waiter, I'm a pastor so you don't get a tip. But hey, you're good with God, so that counts double"
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Geologists wandering Siberia find a family living 150 miles from anything. And boy do those people miss salt
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Man spends 11 months and $2,500 in legal fees to get police to review speed camera ticket and notice he obviously wasn't speeding
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New hotness: Baby perfume. Eau de toilette indeed
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Smoking hot 23-year-old skinny blonde teacher posts half-naked pics of herself on Twitter, presumably to attract students to have sex with (w/pics)
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You probably have more money in the bank than the entire government of Zimbabwe
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Guy leaves his dog in a car. A stray dog jumps into the car and starts fighting with said dog. Cops shoot both dogs five times and finish them off with a shotgun blast. Tada
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| Tue January 29, 2013 |
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News: In gun-free Chicago, they are practicing for school shooting emergencies. Fark: They will be firing blanks during the drill. What could possibly go wrong?
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Bringing in an ounce of cocaine for your 4th grade science fair project? In Florida, it just might work
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Massive sinkhole in China swallows building (with video)
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Alabama school bus driver shot, six-year-old child taken hostage
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"His interests include 'Satan, drinking human blood, deflowering virgins' and the TV show 'Dexter'"
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Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night nor a cold nor flu nor food poisoning nor allergies nor respiratory infection
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Reason for Brazil nightclub fire: Band used outdoor flares on stage rather than indoor flares to save money
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Come for the steaks, stay for the fireballs in the street (but not too close): The Great Omaha manhole fireball photo mystery has been solved
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The McGyverilator
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Indiana couple, in an act of human kindness, nurse injured deer back to health. Do they get kudos from the Department of Natural Resources? No, they're facing jail time and a fine
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"When they asked him to clothe himself, the man, instead, broke into song and began to masturbate, according to authorities"
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Your cute, fluffy cat is really a malevolent, cold-blooded murderer
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Photoshop these stately standins
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Iraq Vet will spend rest of life getting hand jobs from a stranger. He's OK with that
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Like sipping lemonade on a hot summer's day. Sex the way great-grandma remembers
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| (Some Guy) |
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When coming to court for a first appearance on your drug charges, don't bring your drugs
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Swing from cold to warm weather in the Northeast could shatter records, water mains
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22 ways to live longer...including having lots of really good sex, and using Twitter
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Sad: Man accidentally runs over his wife, so he calls 911. Fark: When the paramedics show up, he's accidentally stomping on her face
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Group of men have played a game of tag for 23 Years. There are no geographic restrictions and the game is live for the entire month of February. The last guy tagged stays "It" for the year. "You're like a deer or elk in hunting season,"
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Photoshop this man with a torch and trailer
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Florida has an ugly coyote problem
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Would-be carjackers to their victim: "What's this third pedal for?"
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Awesome 360 degree panoramic view from the world's tallest building, the Burj Khalifa in Dubai. Just don't get dizzy
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It's A Show About Nothing: Family of 14 gives up nothing to live in an RV
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"I found him in bed with a naked chick, what was I supposed to do?" a) urinate on carpet, b) defecate on kitchen floor, c) Florida
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Risks of a woman changing her name after a wedding? Sneers from feminists. Risks of a man changing his name after a wedding? Felony fraud
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Admirer, "Mayor Bloomberg, you've done a great job on gun control." Mayor Bloomberg, "Hmm, yes, but look at the ass on her"
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Man steals church's van, promptly crashes into building at the corner of Karma and Biatch
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Erectile dysfunction doctor ends up stiffer than his patients
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When you have to deny a goldfish was boiled or a hamster was taped to the ceiling, you know your house has been Faceflashed
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In response to a measure banning semi-automatic rifles and large-capacity magazines, a Vermont gun range starts a ban of their own
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"He then graphed orgasm frequency against his overall life satisfaction, measured daily, to see how one affected the other"
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'Hold my beer: Confederate underwater edition'
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Two moms charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor just for bringing their children to work with them. So what if their careers are in shoplifting?
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Some people get dressed and go to work. Other people get dressed for work and then sue their employer demanding overtime because they have to get dressed before they can go to work
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Darwin supports smoking on top of oil storage tanks
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The classic love story. Boy meets prostitute. Boy hires prostitute. Prostitute get convicted of grand theft. Boy keeps seeing prostitute. Prostitute steals TV and car from boy and beats him with a brick
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Reporting a stolen iPhone to the cops is smart ... as long as you didn't steal it from someone else first
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Passerby hears gunshots and someone screaming for help from inside house. Calls cops, who show up and storm the place, only to find a group of teenagers playing Call of Duty
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Man spits on grass after refusing pat-down. Backup officer spits on grass after arriving on scene. Guess which one spent the night in jail for spitting on the grass?
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And you thought Rolling Stone gave harsh reviews
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Whether planning a vacation or a defection, Google now has expanded its maps of North Korea to cover your needs
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Man attempts to rescue his wife, who he thought was being held hostage at a local hotel. Only problem in his plan was that his wife was at home asleep; thus hilarities ensue. Yes alcohol was involved
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Bad: Your neighbor's car alarm malfunctions and blares nonstop over your street for hours. Worse: A freight train's air horn malfunctions and blares nonstop across your city for hours
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If Anchorman was a real person, he would have been this guy. "I tried not to let any negative vibes penetrate her tender skin"
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It is no bunk and the guy wasn't drunk, he had an elephant trunk, tattooed on his junk
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Pizzas 4 Patriots sending 21,000 Chicago-style pizzas to U.S. servicemen and women overseas for the Super Bowl. Didn't send New York-style since they figured they've suffered enough already
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man steals truck to stop ex-girlfriend's wedding. Romance is not dead
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The creepiest pictures of American girls with their dolls that you'll see today
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"Give me my porn back" - Bristol man takes police to court to get collection returned
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Rare liberty head nickel set to fetch $2.5 million at auction, which seems a bit overpriced seeing as how it doesn't have a Certificate of Authenticity or any sort of eagle or other bird that rises from its surface like a phoenix
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Dove released by Pope in remembrance of Holocaust is promptly attacked by flock of sieg heils
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Naked cheerleaders biting each other. Performance-enhancing drugs. Excrement-stained touchdown celebrations: The dark side of Puppy Bowl IX
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"Chicken wings, which taste like chicken, are the wings of chickens"
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Kentucky's current slogan is "Unbridled Spirit," but two creative advertising professionals don't think that quite sums up what's so great about the state. Their idea for a new slogan: "Kentucky Kicks Ass"
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Acute algebra teacher in trouble for show a student her box and whisker plot
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Scientist killed by lightning strike described by colleagues as 'a man of energy'
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Those responsible for the sacking of GITMO...have been sacked
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Anger an African government? No problem. They drag the French into the mix? Laugh harder. But pissing off the Tuaregs is like poking chaotic-neutral honey badgers with a spoon
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Drunk driver crashes car, steals the ambulance, gets it stuck, attempts to steal 2 horses, steals an SUV, totals it, steals another, drives it home, where police arrest him. The Aristocrats
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Grandmother has unsecure Wi-Fi, and someone uses connection to post threats to local police department. Police respond with flash grenades and a raid. Grandmother sues
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If you live with your significant other in Virginia, Mississippi, Michigan or Florida and are not married you are committing a crime. This still won't convince her let you use the fuzzy handcuffs
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More proof that if you just stand up to a bully, he will drop his pants and...oh god, no
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Photoshop this Motomart manager and musical instrument
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That moment you realize your Chinese food takeout box is a Transformer
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