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| Sun January 06, 2013 |
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Menopause can cause... something
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Old: "You suck at irrelevant interview questions and I don't like you." New: "You're just not a cultural fit for us"
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Meet Daniel Quinnell, the luckiest asshole in 'Merika
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Breaking into your neighbor's condo with a knife, duct tape and an 8 inch sexual device is no way to spend a Saturday night, even if you are the Fire Chief
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Photoshop this man with his monkey
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NRA has compiled a list of every organization, journalist, actor, and corporation who funds the "anti-second amendment movement". What could possibly go wrong?
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Ex-Madam with a heart of gold for the disabled plans to open a brothel for them
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It's one thing to break DC's gun laws when you're white and rich but if you're non-white and non-rich... oh you better believe you're going to get charged with a crime. Bonus: Defendant is an Army vet and applicant for US Marshal
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Social media activist sentenced to two years in prison for insulting the ugly, moronic, foul-smelling, and possibly overweight emir of Kuwait
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Thieves try to tunnel in to jewellers, emerge in KFC instead, decide to rob it anyway. Fark: Not the first time they ended up in the wrong store, while trying to rob that jewellry shop
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When it comes to pulling a train, size really DOES matter
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Boston schools to assign more students to kindergarten quicker. Detective John Kimble insists that it's *not* a tumor
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State finds new way to count eagles. What, are numbers too good for them?
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More than 400 hunters have signed up to find and kill Burmese Pythons in the Everglades. Surely nothing can go wrong with this plan
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Photoshop this cautious cat
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Counter-revolution begins in Concord, Mass
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The Mummenschanz Mimes are celebrating their 40th anniversary and are embarking on a tour across the US for some reason
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Twitter is the ultimate knowledge blocker
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Today's "Happily married with two kids hot female teacher arrested for having sex with a student" story comes from ... throws dart at map ... Columbia, South Carolina
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"More than 100 cheerleaders ran after a deer came crashing through a window"
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Radio Shack robber remains on the loose, but since they asked for his zip code, he should be pretty easy to track down
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Three blind mice. Three blind mice. See how they got their sight restored. Did you ever see such a sight in your life as three now seeing mice?
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For The Children: NYC erases 'unsatisfactory' ratings of lousy teachers, if they agree to quit. Fark: Removing the negative rating helps them land jobs in other schools
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Authorities offer ice fishing tips. Tip #1: Don't
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Never mind the "millennials," studies show that "Generation Duckface" is even more shallow, entitled, spoiled and narcissistic
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Stolen statue likely in pieces, police say. This is a bust, you guys
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We're so sorry that your wife died of brain cancer. Here's your pink slip, please leave the building by 5 PM
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China's ships frozen in coldest global warming in 30 years
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Other than being blind, what do you really know about Anne Frank?
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Seven different double-blind and placebo-controlled studies conducted over the past five years show the DEA is lying when they claim marijuana has no accepted medical use
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Tokyo's last street-level view of Mount Fuji is about to be obscured. I don't see what they did there
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Not news: Australian mother finds six-foot python in house. News: wrapped around her two-year-old daughter. FARK: mother demands python be released, unharmed
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Elderly nun loses her Mojo after animal control officer swiped Chihuahua during of tug-of-war over the pooch
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You might have too much time on your hands if you organize a candlelight vigil to celebrate the life of a bull elk that wandered around your neighborhood. "All are welcome and the event is open to the public"
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Oldest living US citizen relinquishes her title
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Because who doesn't look at Dolly Parton and think cowboy-and-pirate dinner theater?
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Apparently in New Zealand it's only natural to see bride and groom bare their affection
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you get your parents to watch your children for free, you're guilty of gran-sploitation
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Photoshop this flight take off
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How to make your man cave, pillow fort or tree house spy-proof
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Hotel in Alaska for sale. Comes with hot springs, northern lights, ghost
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19-year-old Socialist wins spot on Board of Education, which is perfect, since he already knows everything
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The British and their bizarre view of Americans
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Megadeth's Dave Mustaine rages against Men's Wearhouse
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Government approves stench monitoring system to warn people. Sorry, not for New Jersey's neighbors
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Never threaten suicide in front of the Surprise police
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Ambassador to Colombia resigns after Christmas embassy orgy ends with whores stealing phones, laptops and pooping on the desks. Sounds like a typical Farc party to me
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Coming up at the top of the hour, it's the first Livingston Stapler Company Presents show of 2013. Two hours of music hosted live by a Farker in Juneau, Alaska. LGT stream
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In Belarus, internal security forces have solved an age-old riddle
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| Sat January 05, 2013 |
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Cute 22-year-old brunette: Cannabis turned me into a thieving heroin addict with OCD, panic attacks (w/pics)
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You're a drunk female at a hockey game on New Year's Eve. There is only one thing to do
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Guess which state doesn't like service dogs
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Google sends street view cars to capture Sandy aftermath. Hilarity ensues
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Dumb: Serial burglar robs a flat. Dumber: He gets caught. FARK: Because he was wearing an electronic tag which records his movements
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Photoshop this fuel for future fire
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Bad: Guy forgets his iPhone in a NY cab. Worse: Somebody swipes it and uses his online dating profile to troll for dates. Fark: He sets up a dating "honey trap" to catch the guy and get his phone back
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The flu tsunami has hit America. Open your mouth wide for the doctor and see if you're infected. If you were not vaccinated... well then, Buh bye
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Yet another reason why restaurants that will ban your snivelling, screaming snowflake are popular
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Ric Romero reports on shocking breakthrough: Ordering food with "Salt" in the title are high in sodium, delicious
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George Washington is perhaps the most well-known founding father. He was either lucky at times or a pure genius, here's why
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Air Force buys fleet of Camaros, chase cars that help U2 pilots land. In other news, Joe Biden has found his next job
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Reporter waits at busy service area to interview E-85 buyers, leaves after three hours without spotting any
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Brooklyn's biggest curmudgeon finally gets caught after calling 911 too many times on Williamsburg hipsters. Can you really blame him?
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Father of Afghan vet finds & returns love letters stolen 40 years ago from WW2 vet & his wife, celebrates with In-N-Out: "He said there are a hell of a lot of Lloyd Michaels in the service. You're the only one that has a wife named Marian"
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Virginia brings the hammer down on hot female teachers having sex with their students, sentences Anna Michelle Walter to 12 whole months in prison, or about a tenth of what a male teachers have received just for sexting with female students
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| (SocialNewsDaily) |
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Social app shows which Congress members have accepted gun lobby cash, and "you can tweet these elected officials to demand gun control legislation, call them out for hypocrisy, or heck, tell them 'job well done' if you're fond of the 2nd"
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If you are up at about 3AM Sunday morning, go check out the Moon, Saturn, and the star Spica (in the Virgo constellation) forming a triangle
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Four people dead in hostage situation/shootout in Aurora, CO. Sadly, this is NOT a repeat
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Photoshop theme: design labels for alcoholic beverages that would be produced by a Fark-owned brewery/distillery
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More proof cats are better pets than dogs: a dog may guard your house, but a cat will help you break out of prison
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Four people leap out of truck before it plunges over cliff. That is *so* 1980s
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Quit worrying about your assault rifle. The real and now threat from the government is to your pizza
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15 year old girl finds out her name is not on the approved list. Is now officially referred to only as "Girl". Tarzan fails to see the problem
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Congratulations to the winners of Fark's 2012 Headline of the Year contests
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City officials argue over whether to remove stop signs at nonexistent intersection
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The CHiPs are down: California Highway Patrol announces job openings for the first time in 3 years
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According to a new study, we all have multiple personality disorder
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New slot machine based on Aladdin features "a chair that tosses you from right to left as Aladdin navigates around buildings in pursuit of the genie." Which is clearly what senior citizens want in a slot machine
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Dear lord ......NOOOOOOOOO
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Clash will occur if US troops stay in Afghanistan after 2014, Taliban militants warn. If we go, there will be trouble, and if we stay, it will be double. Sharif don't like it. We fought the law, and the law won. Excuse me, London's calling
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Headline: "Happy Hookers Help Homeless." Homeless hombres hoping horny hooker heaven help have hellish heartbreak
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Boy's Christmas gift of $100 bill turns out to be counterfeit. Ol' Ben had the gout, I see
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There were some men from Mashantucket / With $800K in their bucket / The FBI came / To ruin their game / And say, "You're arrested, now suck it"
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Arizona wants to ban fake identities on the internet, haven't thought their cunning plan all the way through considering the sheer amount of Derp their state spews upon the world would now have their names attached to it
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Pulitzer-winning food critic Jonathan Gold lists top 10 L.A. dining picks of past year. If you love obscure food trucks, pork buns, foie gras, and bacon, you're set
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Another father quivers at the thought of how close his precious snowflake came to accidentally seeing a naked human body. "If she would have saw those, it would have, I mean God, I'm glad she didn't, I don't know what I would have done"
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No matter how badly you wish to speak with your neighbor because you think his son took your daughter's phone, if he's not answering the door you don't get to set his son's sneakers on fire in an attempt to smoke them out
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Just because you don't want to waste hours at the DMV doesn't mean you can just paint your picture on your drivers license. "My face is flushed and I am having a bad hair day"
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Woman wins $1200 and a free trip at casino
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○_○ → ─_─ → ○_○ = |||||| ☥ ?
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Warm up your car while shopping? You best believe that will get you a beat down from Seattle Police
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You know it's a scorcher in Australia when it's just too damn hot for people to go to the bar for a beer
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You need to preregister in order to purchase with your credit card a $380 ticket to this year's Burning Man. Remember when this used to be about anti-establishment and non-conformity or something? "I love Burning Man"
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Subby's hometown is the most Hungover City in America. Really, though, what else is there to do? (Bonus: Not a slideshow)
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Photoshop these corny girls
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Your tax dollars at work: the Library of Congress is collecting the random musings of twits on the internet
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Man who escaped from jail found wearing a beret and glasses, using a cane. Authorities say he would have gotten away clean if everyone didn't hate smug hipsters
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Blind dog gets the greatest gift when he gets the world's first seeing-eye cat just in time for Caturday
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Now that the term "Asperger's Syndrome" will soon cease to exist, some who claim to have the disease fear the hours of internet research they'll have to do to self-diagnose a new disorder to explain the fact that they're just social misfits
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Canadian John Sheardown who was awarded the "caterpillar" card after he crawled to a pub for a whiskey after breaking both his legs in WWII has died. He also hid 6 Americans in his house in Tehran after the embassy was stormed
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After quake, only six inches wash up on Vancouver shore. At least it wasn't a foot
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World's former fattest man loses an incredible 46 stone, that translates to roughly half an Adele for you Americans
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Hooch kills nine people. Turner inconsolable
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Five travel destinations in the US growing in popularity that you wouldn't expect. Your mom's bedroom topped out at #6
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Arizona's version of the Casey Anthony trial, only hotter
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New study says that the stress-relieving benefits of nicotine are a myth. Oh, really? Is that so? Then how come I feel like strangling people with an extension cord when I go without nicotine?
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"When you got five bullets in you, it makes you kind of disoriented"
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Private prison is charging thousands of dollars for rule infractions like "an unkempt appearance and not making eye contact." I'm sorry. Did I say prison? I meant Charter School
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| Fri January 04, 2013 |
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Courts in Florida split on the most burning question of our time: whether motorists should be subjected to stop-and-search simply because they repainted their car a new color
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A Pennsylvania court has ruled that home sellers don't have to disclose if their property was the site of a murder or suicide. Radon, on the other hand, SERIOUS BUSINESS
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| (Illinois Times) |
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"911, what's your emergency?" "Whahawahawahawhawha" "Oh hi Father Donovan. Yes, we'll send an officer down to the church to help you out of the handcuffs and ball gag"
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FARK Photoshop Review 2012 .... now on YouTube
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Over 1 million Britons have been plagued by vomiting and diarrhea this winter. This is not an article about cuisine
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Doctor eats world's hottest curry, starts seeing demons
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"Utah City Renames Street Due to Sexual Connotation." What could it possibly be? Boner Ave.? Hershey Way? Clam Circle? *clicks link* Huh
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England: the legal reason we stop Christians from wearing crosses, but not Muslims from wearing hijabs is SHUT UP AND DO WHAT WE SAY
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On this episode of Hoarders: investigators find trash, dirty diapers, cockroaches, and missing child in woman's apartment
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Zak the Labrador would like to thank the Internet for his rescue
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Photoshop this aqua equus
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Official regulations have now made it much more difficult for your boss to fire you for complaining about your job online. You hear that, Mr. Bigglesworth, you toupee-wearing indecisive shiat-for-brains?
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Give me a few minutes, I have to shave my eyeball
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Fark Quiz? On a Friday? Surely you can't be serious
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American Eagle pilot arrested after an alcohol test revealed he was over the Minnesota 0.04% legal limit for pilots. In related news, PILOTS CAN LEGALLY FLY AFTER DRINKING in Minnesota
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Man dies climbing abroad. This is why short people shouldn't date tall people
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18-year-old posts to Facebook "Drivin drunk ... classsic ;) but to whoever's vehicle i hit i am sorry. :P" What could possibly go wrong?
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Meet the madam who pimped out Olympian-turned-hooker Suzy Favor Hamilton
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Photoshop this pet's profile
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Facebook to test out free mobile calls *cheers* In Canada only *crickets*
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Updated NDAA: 166 prisoners will remain at Guantanamo Bay pretty much forever
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Duty-free liquor + dude on a plane + sky law + duct tape =
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Ahh...the ol' "beer made me do it" defense. Nice, very nice
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Search team rescuing teens stuck on snowy Goat Mountain. My god, we'll have to send a search team after them, and then a grammar team after the headline writer
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Thank goodness he didn't take the elevator
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Wikipedia editors take down meticulously researched and cited article about the 17th century Dutch-Indian war known as the "Bicholim Conflict" after discovering it never actually happened
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Chevy Volt sales triple in 2012, bringing the total to ... 3
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Your dreams about The Price Is Right can all come true. Really
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Man stabbed with a sword pulled from a walking cane. No word if the Pennsylvania tag was still attached to the cane
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Mandatory life jackets for dogs? Colorado's on it, y'all
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Finally, a petition worth signing: Create a Joe Biden reality show
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Leukemia patient hopes Facebook will save his life
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Vibrating toothbrush causes commotion at Atlanta airport
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Back woods law from 1872 states that it's only rape if the woman you tricked is married. Difficulty: California
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The spray-on-tanned versions of Gollum and Frodo fight over their Precious
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"I'm not afraid if they shoot at me or that they might kill me. I'm a combination of samurai and kamikaze." And dumbass. Don't forget dumbass
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So it turns out January 3rd was the most popular day for couples to file for divorce. January 4th is also a landmark day, generally known as "I've finally got that nagging harpy shrew/asshole off my back, now it's time to find some strange" Day
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According to this article, 2013 will be the year you return to MySpace, re-open your Yahoo account, start watching golf, and buy your father's car. Oh, and you're a Republican now, too
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New data reveals bad language plays a role in about four out of every 10 firings. Fark
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It looks as if President Obama's secret plan to--OH MY GOD A COYOTE KILLED A PUPPY
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Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to plead ignorance on this thing
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Radio Liberty Moscow, which survived throughout the Cold War and helped bring down Communism, has finally gone silent
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It's that time of year again. Time for the media to fill a slow news day with "shave ice"
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Woman tried to escape from the cops by using the old 'I need to go to the bathroom' ruse. "Aleasha exited the bathroom and was covered with a white chalk substance, consistent with the ceiling tile material"
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Female Second Life avatars show twice as much skin as male avatars. It's almost as if they were controlled by men pretending to be women
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Restaurant trends 2013: Out with bacon-flavored chocolate and mini-hamburgers. In with coconut milk pancakes and low-gluten Peruvian food. You guys go ahead without me
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Not news: Homeless man found dead under overpass. Not news: Heir to part of $300 million fortune dies. Fark: Same person
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Those low-flying helicopters hovering over DC? Just the National Nuclear Security Administration doing a routine check of background radiation levels. Routine. Nothing to worry about. All is well
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"Des Moines police say arms are showing up at high schools." Feet must be close behind
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Gross, not news: Rex Ryan photographed topless while lounging by the pool. Weird, not news: he has a large tattoo of his wife on his arm. Fark: She appears to be Tebowing while wearing a Sanchez jersey
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Al Jazeera buys Al Gore's 'Current TV'. Sign on the building that says "Owned by Al" will not have to be changed
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School administration reverses decision to not allow Elvis musical at school. However students will only be allowed to dance from the waist up
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Hugo Chavez is going to be just fine. It's just some unexpected infected lung bleeding
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The old "I'm the good twin, the evil twin did that" defense works better if you're actually a twin
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Ex-gay porn star claims that gay men anally give birth to the devil after a hard night of pounding the ring of fire
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ATTENTION CITIZENS: It is now perfectly legal to give a cop the middle finger. So, have at it and Godspeed
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Curiosity rover on Mars is shown studying rocks, soil, a flower. Wait....what?
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IMF: "Did we say austerity would help Greece? We meant hurt Greece, badly. Sorry for the confusion"
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Photoshop this girl in Katmandu
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Aristotle sex manual banned for 200 years to be auctioned. Disappointingly not entitled "Aristotle: Full Throttle"
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Sam Donaldson goes full Lohan, separates from his wife of 29 years just a month after his DUI
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Famous heist movie titles: The Bank Job, The Italian Job. Not a famous heist movie title: The Hand Job
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Scientists take a break from curing cancer, decide to figure out why wool sweaters are so goddamned itchy
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You know your apartment has a bedbug problem when you can scoop up spoonfuls of them from your couch. "We've already thrown away 10 couches"
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All nations have a way of marking the new year. In France they torch 1,200 cars in one night
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Georgia law doesn't allow Governor to remove Sheriff facing 32 felony counts because the citizens elected him AFTER he was charged. Seriously, Georgia?
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Stripper who was doing "performance art" on a busy highway was arrested for causing a "traffic disturbance." Not for being naked; no, it was for tossing a traffic cone at a random motorist and spitting in his face
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Old and busted: The Indian in the cupboard. New hotness: The pedophile in the cupboard
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Crime rates dramatically dropped in the 2000s because of. A) Fewer immigrants. B) Increased police presence. C) Unleaded gasoline
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| Thu January 03, 2013 |
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Allstate: You're in good hands after Hurricane Sandy. Staten Island couple: The hell we are, you're low-balling us -- and adding insult to injury you're using images of our ravaged home in your TV ads
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In Florida, where nothing is holier than property values, what better way to get back at your neighbors than by spray painting your house with graffiti?
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The wheels on the house go round and round, round and round, round and round
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A contest where amateurs hunt in a swamp for snakes that grow up to 18 feet long has just kicked off. In Florida. I don't see what could POSSIBLY go wrong
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Worst Marilyn Monroe tattoo EVAR. Bonus: Worst tattooist EVAR
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Poking holes in your girlfriend's condoms? That's a jailin
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Photoshop this sparking Spaniard
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Alfie Fripp 98, thought to be the longest-serving British prisoner of war, passes away. Damn, you would have thought he'd be freed by now
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"Ericcson claimed he was so distraught over the snake's death, he shot up the large cabinet that contained his Dale Earnhardt collection"
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The science behind why you are likely to think you're going to evolve, and become a charming, witty saint, but in reality will just turn out to be another boring asshole drinking beer at a Fark party
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Search halted for escaped convict. Fark: From 1969
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High school bans Elvis Presley's music for being too sexually suggestive. This is not a repeat from 1956
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First Banks Co. Georgia baby of 2013 born in Walmart bathroom
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Man complains he had to live 8 days without power. Pfft. He should try being married
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Woman gets profitable revenge on a boyfriend who dumped her and then skipped the country. By selling the locations of his secret (and successful) fishing spots
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Researchers discover Bonobos prefer to share food, handies with strangers. Yes really
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Argentina: "Give us the precious". England: "No". Argentina: "But we WANTSSS IT"
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Connecticut Newspaper features a gun show ad next to a Sandy Hook article. Let's see what happens
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The incredible story of what happened when two gay men were harassed while waiting for pizza
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Photoshop this cobalt blue cloud
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State Department spokesperson calls out Fox News reporter for asking exactly why Hillary Clinton can't seem to testify about Bengazi. She even suggested the appropriate tag
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Hurricane Sandy may have savaged Delaware's beaches, but it took the one-two punch of Hurricanes Biden and Obama to visit the financial devastation of the failed Fisker electric car plant upon the taxpayers who live there
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GOD does NOT accept CREDIT CARDS
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The US Navy may have just made the "Reefer Madness" of the "bath salts" craze\epidemic (warning: scary imagery and dubstep music)
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Open up wide - Bull testicle beer will soon be coming
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Senator Mark Kirk on his remarkable recovery from a near-fatal stroke: "I felt like there were three angels in the room. And, interestingly, they had New York accents"
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Man sticks a $1.29 Honey Bun down his pants which in turn cost him $1,000.00 to bail out of jail. No word on the condition of the sticky Honey Bun
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Think the smoking, beer guzzling, and shirtless beach pics already made Obama look like the least presidential president ever? Wait until you get a look at his new souvenir shop
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Suburban NY newspaper published names and addresses of gun permit holders. Some people had a problem with this, like the guy who mailed them suspicious white powder
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"Knock, knock" "Who's there?" "Facepunch" "Facepunch who?"
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The Canadian government wants nickel back
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UFO Spotted by 'World's Biggest Sceptic'
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Let's talk about who really buys the AR-15
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Teen girls drug their mom and dad's milkshakes with sleeping pills so that they can use the internet
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US wishes top Taliban commander a happy new years with hellfire fireworks
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Columnist says violent media is poisoning the nation's soul, but ultraviolence is still better than dirty, dirty naked boobies
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Marijuana grow operation discovered in Kill Devil Hills, which would be a great name for a band, man
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Three grenades found in Downtown Disney trashcan. Roger Rabbit unavailable for comment
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What's more terrifying than lumber flying through your car windshield? Probably nothing
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Minecraft pickaxe can now open a real life beer bottle
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All grown up at age 22. Now it's time to be a man and rob a convenience store. Getaway plan? Call mom for a ride home
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FBI: more people get killed with hammers than guns. Still unknown: whether more houses are built with firearms or carpentry tools, how many people seduced by false equivalencies
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Damn Subway, this sandwich is spicy...kinda like you put some sort of creamy Sriracha on it--oh, you did?
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Class action suit against illegal red light cameras ends in usual fashion: corporation is happy, lawyers are happy, victims get $6 if they fill out the paperwork correctly
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Speculation rife that Best Korea may have a new littlUn
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Excuse me ma'am, is your tail wagging out of control, or are you just happy to see me?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Monsanto cucumbers cause genital baldness -- Immediately banned in Nova Scotia, imported to Malibu
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srevres eht tih sllorcS aeS daeD ehT
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Quick, somebody wake up Thatcher
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British bus driver rushes son to hospital in double-decker. Subby objects to hero tag having Stars & Stripes and insists on Union Jack hero tag. France surrenders
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Photoshop your predictions for 2013
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News: Denny's manager turns away five men with sidearms, explaining they could not eat at the restaurant if they were armed. FARK: They were on-duty, badge-wearing police detectives
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Anarchists unite to show support for accused arsonist. With photo that demonstrates the need for government regulated hairstyles
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Someone cracked the case: DIY Doritos Locos Tacos
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Researchers claim they have figured out how to get earworms out of your head. Subby thinks their findings are B-A-N-A-N-A-S
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There are several acceptable ways to deal with a six-year-old who called your girlfriend's son a name. Punching him is not one of them. "The child flies approximately four feet in the air and lands directly on his buttocks and slides up to wall''
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Prostate cancer just got worse
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Naked man shot after attacking a Rottweiler and the dog's owner. Or, as it's known in Miami, "Wednesday"
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Middle school teacher arrested for letting three sons get drunk and high, shoot shotguns, steal AK-47s, fight, and generally terrorize neighborhood. Neighbor can't believe she's a teacher since she has never been accused of having sex with students
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New North Korean pictures. Looking at 12 and 23 together will both break your heart and make you want to punch your monitor. It's what the unicorns would have wanted
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Actual headline: Sister, 19, accidentally shoots dead brother in the head while posing with gun for Facebook picture
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Switzerland no longer a safe gun-toting mecca
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FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: THE iNVASION HAZ BEGUN - TERORISTS NOW BUYING OUR TV STATIONS11111
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 400: "Lights, Camera, Caption". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed January 02, 2013 |
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Suspicious device found outside a bank on Dynamite Blvd
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Bank of Canada won't discuss new melty $100 bills because of [shakes Magic 8 ball...] national security
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Bizarre pictures show 19th Century 'photoshopping'. Pixels Schmixels
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Photoshop this snow throw
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Suitcase full of frozen lobster returned to its rightful owner
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A third wave blitz of tax tsunami will wash over Americans with a cavalcade of unintended consequences and badly mixed metaphors
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Here's a really great idea that's sure to get us tons of great publicity: Let's invite the relatives of the Aurora massacre victims to the grand re-opening of the movie theater in which their loved ones perished
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House not selling? Throw in the baby and we have a deal (see photos)
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OMG like, there's hardly any traffic..yeah, I know. it was awesome. Hold on. WHT R U DOIN? NUTTN. JES DRIVIN. So anyway, (slurp, glug glug), like Jason was being such a pain, ya know...what is that? Go AWAY...Stoopid drivers with their lights
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The most important question of 2013 answered: Can zombies get drunk?
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Cops raid cockfight in progress. 12 arrested, sticky
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"Water appeared to be pouring into the Electric Fetus"
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Getting Robocalls? If so, you could get $50,000 by reporting the menace
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Photoshop this board balance
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We all get sick and tired of hearing excuses, here are 5 popular ones that do not have any meaning at all
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The 2013 disease that will wipe out the human race is: *drum roll* MALARIA
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Face of Jesus appears on a door in a church in South Carolina, officials say they must remove the nails and doorknob of thorns before the door can be replaced
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Englishman wakes up from a stroke only able to speak fluent Welsh, a language he barely knew before. Well at least they THINK it's Welsh, it could be he's just still having the stroke, it's kinda hard to tell
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Florida lawmakers claim they didn't communicate with lobbyists before important vote, fail to realize that text messages count as communication
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Man accused of pointing laser at sheriff's helicopter admits he was "just being dumb." No one disagrees
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Saudi religious leaders call for gang rape to meet needs of fighters in Syria. But slow down there fellas, they must be over 14 and divorced or widowed
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Ronald Reagan's 1956 "Home of the Future" for sale. $5 million. Has state-of-the-art garbage disposal, windows, nice bomb shelter
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Iran upgrades to Photoshop 2.0
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Florida zoo to feature zip line over the tiger habitat. What could go wrong?
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Identical twins do a lot of things together, like go shopping, wear the same clothes, give birth on the same day
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Q: What's better than putting large googly eyes on random objects? A: Putting large blinking googly eyes on random objects
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You know the stripper deserves a little something extra when she attempts a stunt during a lapdance and ends up in the hospital in critical condition
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Spirit Airlines plane clips the tail of another plane. Oh great, here come a rudder fee
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The increase in deer in Britain has caused a lack of shrubbery, especially ones only slightly higher than the other so you get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle
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There comes a time in every man's life when he asks himself the big questions. Who am I? Why am I here? Why is the car parked up on top of our neighbor's car?
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Not News: Person pays for next person's coffee in drive through. Fark: Chain of Random Act of Kindness lasts for 3 hours and 228 orders
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More than a century after Carrie Nation started the Temperance Movement, Kansas may allow liquor to be sold in grocery stores. Your move, Pennsylvania
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Robots don't destroy jobs, though they do steal pills from senior citizens
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Six year old suspended for bringing assault finger to school
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Pay no attention to the armed guard in the classroom, citizen
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The ménage à trois was going swimmingly. Then the baseball bat came out
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Turn off your mind, relax, and float down stream. You are not dying, you are just toking at the Pot Club
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Chavez conscious, still able to fight off pillow
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Man punched female driver at traffic light, got naked, laid down in road. Typical Florida New Year's celebration
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How can you avoid spreading the flu? Perhaps President Madagascar has some thoughts on the matter
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Amazon reviewers call the revolutionary Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer the greatest thing since the wheel, penicillin or the iPhone
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To all my fellow Port Authority Bus Terminal riders, I'm sorry we had the beans special last night -- Love, NJ
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Would you like to see the Eiffel Tower...made out of bacon?
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Colleges are now helping students scrub their online footprints before graduation, so feel free to post those pictures from when you blew an entire frathouse to ring in the new year
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Photoshop this big brain
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| (Some Guy) |
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Link to a story in an Irish newspaper? That'll be €300, please, because they own the copyright to a link to their material. It'd take a lot of TotalFarkers to pay for that
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Samsung unveils Roomba-like robot vacuum that conquers corners with the help of pop-out spinning blades... er, BRUSHES. Brushes. Definitely not blades. Sorry for the confusion. Please resume your lack of concern about domestic death robots
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New BBC documentary reveals what Neil Armstrong actually saiYOU SHOULD KILL US ALL ON SIGHTd
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Mother gives her son an iPhone and a lesson in life
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Cake for EVERYBODY
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Drunken indoor frisbee with Mom never ends well
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PROTIP: If you're growing 110 marijuana plants in your spare bedroom, you probably should think twice about calling the police to report a home invasion
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News: Print names and addresses of gun owners. Fark: Hire armed guards to protect your newspaper office
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High-fructose corn syrup - is there nothing it can't do?
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Please, please, please let this be true
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Guy asks liquor store clerk to watch his infant, while he runs out for a smoke. Hours later, he finally returns, drunk. Clerk actually gives him baby back. Guy proceeds to go lay down in middle of street with baby
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| Tue January 01, 2013 |
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We're not saying potheads are bad at running a business, but Colorado's first recreational marijuana club officially closed a day after it officially opened
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People are no longer waiting to get pushed in front of a subway in NYC, they're now laying on the tracks to sacrifice themselves to the subway gods
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Best father-in-law EVAR
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The emaciated look is soooo last season
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Finally, a new year's resolution worth keeping: Do less
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What do you mean, you don't trust the apocalyptic predictions of a polygamist cult leader serving life in jail for sexual assault on children who's got it wrong before?
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Photoshop this guy getting some air
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2013 starts with the usual "Wealth is Evil" speech, given by the head of a multi-billion dollar empire, while perched in a gilded throne, and wearing hand-embroidered silk robes and custom-fitted silk slippers
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Post Office delivers calendar for the new year. And that new year is 1950
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Fourteen years on the job without a blemish, Town Clerk is put on trial by the Chief of Police for stealing a hundred dollars. Of course, he didn't bother to check whether the money was actually missing
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Check out the top 7 things of all time
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He always wondered how his roommate got the nickname 'Peter Gabriel.' Until the night his roommate attacked him with a sledgehammer
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Twenty-two-year-old blonde beauty loves dressing up as Barbie, defies "airhead" accusations by getting two university degrees (w/LIKE THE FIST OF AN ANGRY GOD pics)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Fiat builds a monster truck by putting its "Panda" body on a Jeep CJ7 chassis. All it needs to be street legal is a huge pair of truck nuts, a gun rack, and "No Fat Chicks" bumpersticker
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Our first "naked, sword-wielding maniac" story of 2013 comes courtesy of San Jose, CA
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Man attacked by 3 coyotes in own backyard. Survives thanks to failed ACME products
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"Jill Doe's" $100 million lawsuit dropped in Connecticut
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Blood of French king Louis XVI, executed by guillotine in 1793, discovered in a gourd in Italy
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Researchers in Spain say female university students are bigger binge drinkers than their male counterparts -- making it harder for them to know if their date is the right Juan
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Washington state privatized the sale of hard liquor last year, believing it would drive prices down. Take a wild frickin' guess what happened. Who knew people like booze and money, and getting more money off of deregulated booze?
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Photoshop this handgun handling instruction
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| (The Eagle) |
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"No other contemporary text on sexuality has transformed American culture the way that this series has," says the professor of an upcoming college class on "50 Shades of Grey." Class will reportedly be held in the red room
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Happy Birthday, Internet. May you waste our time with silly cat pictures and hardcore pornography for decades to come
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The Adlington Shroud. The latest in a long line of shrouds, with perfectly reasonable explanations of how they were created, to be called a "Miracle"
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Take my Walmart parking space? That's a rammin'
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Court says you can't sue amusement park when bumper cars go bump. Yes, this was in America
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Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
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Because cyclists aren't bad enough. Illinois set to classify inline skaters as "vehicles" and allow them to to skate on the streets, ignore traffic laws
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Canadian man sets record for seeing most number of unique species of birds in one year, not having sex
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You can no longer openly carry your rifle into a coffee shop in California, and the next illegal alien to run you over might have a legal driver's license. Happy 2013
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Pediatricians' group says kids need more recess time at school, this story brought to you in part by Sally's lemonade stand
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If you fall onto the highway from a partybus in a drunken fistfight after a Brad Paisley concert, you may be a deadneck
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Want to eat just a little something this year? Here's your essential guide to Dim Sum
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Photoshop this frosty box
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NYC mayor blames crime increase on iPhone thefts, recommends deterring robberies by telling crooks that your wireless provider is AT&T
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$290 million Shell oil drilling platform that was being towed to harbor broke loose, was resecured, then broke loose again, was rescured again, has broken loose again and will crash into shore
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| (Some Partier) |
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Appropriate New Year's Morning thread: how do you deal with a hangover? And keep it down, please, my head is pounding
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When caught, these bandits will be called "the Unflushables"
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Protip: Driving your SUV through a TV station's front door won't win you the traffic reporter's heart
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Shots fired in Sacramento during NYE celebration, multiple people killed. Fireworks cancelled and Old Town Sacramento being evacuated. Subby on site (Updated article w/video)
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For the last time, running a daycare/meth manufacturing facility is never a good idea
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Best Leader surprises the hell out of everyone by ringing in the New Year asking to remarry Worst Korea
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Hey, I can see my house from up here.....and my trailer being stolen
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