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| Sun May 27, 2012 |
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Woman swallows toothbrush while brushing her teeth. Surgeons remove it before Oral B becomes Anal B
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MSNBC Host Chris Hayes: I'm 'Uncomfortable' calling fallen military 'Heroes'
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What do you REALLY know about the Queen?
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A survey reveals that one-third of British pet owners would rather go away with their pet on vacation than their immediate family
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I'm thinking of using a non-sequitor to greet various people. I was thinking something like "Brother" or "Boss". Maybe "Man". What non-sequitors do you use or have used on you?
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Photoshop this Passing President
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The Lord is just in all his ways: redlight runner who hit nun has iPhone stolen by passerby offering to phone police
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Can you order top shelf hookers at the Travelodge? It's more likely than you think. (Not safe for workish)
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70 years ago today Czech partisans made Hitler very angry
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Newly upgraded to a tropical storm and now Beryling in on Southeast coast
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Man tries, fails to buy meal at Denny's with $1 and bag of pot. You'd think if there was anywhere this offer would have been successful, it would have been Denny's
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Photoshop this multicolored specimen having a snack
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Couple married for 65 years reveals secret of marital bliss: wearing matching outfits wherever they go
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Behold a pale horse
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Maine soft-shell lobsters are in early this year. Marine biologists require more clarified butter to determine why
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The Death List: Cars that aren't coming back for 2013. Subby will sob for Saab, the rest shall not be missed
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Come listen to a story about a man named John / A poor farmer, barely kept his family fed / Then one day he was growin' up some food / And up from the ground came a bubblin' crude / Oil that is, black gold, Kansas tea
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Reporter shows up too late to cover a sandstorm, tries to recreate it
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How to be #1 SUPER-PATRIOT. USA USA USA USA
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If you don't like these amusing examples of passive aggressive behavior, than you can kindly piss off
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128 drivers fined for driving below speed limit. Obviously not in Florida
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Hey dude, it's a holiday. I'm just going to sit around getting sconed
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The paperclip was invented in 1899 and has never been improved upon since. It is, quite possibly, the perfect invention
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All whiskey tastes the same, just get the $5 bottle. There, THAT'S how you troll a whiskey thread. Or spell it whisky
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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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Brazilians seek to lay NYC bare. Giggity
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You're welcome, Class of 2012: Top 10 things no one tells high school graduates
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Photoshop this corpulent crimefighter
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"One dolla bid, now two, now two, will ya' give me two? Two dolla bid, now three, now three, will ya' give me three? Threedollathreedolla, going once...going twice...SOLD - to the evil banker scum in the plaid jacket"
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More and more members of Generation Y are discovering that instead of having mom and dad pay for their rent each month, it makes more sense to have mom and dad buy them a house
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The $77 million cow pasture: "They were going to build a city. There should have been roads. There should have been homes. What do you see? A broken-down barn and a head of cattle"
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Police officer breaks into neighbor's home to do laundry. Fails to make a clean getaway
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Florida saved 61 children from death by abuse and neglect.... by narrowing its definitions of abuse and neglect
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I have no idea what you're talking about, here's a senior citizen in a chair floating above the ground
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Memorial Day: how it's changed, and why some people think it should not be part of a three-day weekend
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Born in Malaysia in 1923, after 3 years as a Japanese POW during WWII, 3 years fighting for the US Army in Korea, and an act of Congress to become a US citizen, he still says "every day is a holiday." He's also submitter's dad
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| Sat May 26, 2012 |
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The eyes, the giant EYES..... GAAAAH
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Delta Airlines begins testing flights with even crappier service
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Only in Miami: Police shoot, kill naked man who was EATING A MAN'S FACE
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You can get just about anything you want at Afghan markets, including lots of stolen American military goods
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Apparently one of the 11 secret herbs and spices KFC uses is wood harvested from Indonesia's endangered rain forest
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New York Times jumps on goofy trend piece bandwagon, explores hot trend of 16-year-old "young cougars" going to prom with 14-year-old boys
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Body found floating in Nova Scotia river stuffed in hockey bag. If this story was any more Canadian, it would be leaking maple syrup
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Photoshop this gripping girl
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Jail in South Carolina to allow alcohol, but only if you believe in Jesus
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Arizona spends $125 million per year on 13,000 K-12 students who don't exist. Can I haz Arizona tag now, plz?
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You'd probably squawk, too, if some government busybody named your kids "Archie" and "Juliette"
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SeaWorld's new Manta Rollercoaster stalled on its second day of operation; SeaWorld said not to worry, they'd call in a manta fix it
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For first time in 14 years, ugly assed baby meerkat born at Tulsa zoo. w/vid
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Meanwhile in North Carolina... With bonus irony for the town name
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Happy 75th birthday to the Golden Gate Bridge, the most beautiful bridge in the world
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Photoshop this frog jumping coach
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China criticizes the U.S. on its "dismal" human rights record, citing police brutality, arresting protesters, and strict restrictions on the internet
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Hey, why don't we have a gardening thread? BRING ON THE ORGANIC TROLLS
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What happens when a precious little snowflake get his JD and goes to work on Wall Street? He sues his health spa for $500k for not receiving his "full complimentary breakfast"
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Alcohol was definitely involved
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Ink is pink
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Glitz, kitsch, human rights violations, a pack of Russian grandmothers, more cheese than a tailgate party at Lambeau Field, politicized voting, and Engelbert farking Humperdinck. It must be time for your 2012 Eurovision Song Contest thread
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"Officer, you have the wrong house. There is NO armed robber here. My family is cooking dinner. Can we PLEASE go back inside and turn the stove off before a fire starts?"
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Illinois adds $1 sales tax to cigarettes to help fund Medicaid
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13-year-old buys old Polaroid camera at a garage sale that holds a photo of a long-dead relative. Here's the kicker: boy knew what a Polaroid camera was
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| (The Media Blog) |
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Today's utterly OMFG newspaper front page brought to you by the Liverpool Echo
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Man robs payday loan store and flees to a nearby KFC... where he tries to flush the money down a toilet
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It's very easy to get a Canadian passport. Unless you happen to be a Canadian citizen
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Who here can honestly say they've never gotten drunk and decided to throw a Molotov cocktail at a medical helicopter?
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Sometimes classic car restoration can be challenging. On other occasions you find all the component parts for a 1925 MG buried separately under two inches of concrete beneath a cow shed
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Punching, spitting, and pepper spray. Behold the power of BACON
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Vodak made from prickly pear cactus brings a whole new meaning to the term "spiked drink"
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Photoshop this determined golfer
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Brooklyn school tries to keep Class of 2012 prom goers from starting the Class of 2030
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You're 17, looking after your little sister after your parents cut and ran, working two jobs and pulling honors grades. You deserve jail time for missing too much school. Tag is for girl
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| (Some Guy in the Majority) |
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By a margin of 56 to 36 percent, a majority of American voters now favor legalizing marijuana
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How to correctly cook scrambled eggs. Yes...you've been doing it wrong
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Sometimes you rescue a cat, and sometimes ... that cat rescues you right back. A happy little story just in time for Caturday (tissues not included)
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Detroit officials plan to turn off half of all streetlights to save cash. Angry residents once again left in the dark
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NASA worried that future lunar visitors may destroy historical sites on the moon, issues guidelines telling them to stay on the outside of the imaginary rope. Fry and Leela unavailable for comment
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San Diego Fark Party, THIS SATURDAY May 26th 6:00pm at Pizza Port Solana Beach
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Can you grow a bread with Rogaine? Here comes the SCIENCE
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High school approves senior prank involving markers. Because you're reading this on Fark, you can safely assume that there was a glitch or two
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Guess which German city is having a problem with rats? C'mon, this is an easy one
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| (Some Guy) |
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No one has ever been arrested on the charge of pimping in North Dakota ever before - until now
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Vatican police investigating leaking of confidential documents come to the obvious conclusion. The butler did it
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| (Some Guy) |
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Professor complains that crosses on state university entrance tower violate the separation of church and state. Good Christians respond as Jesus would, by stalking, online harassment, death threats, and firing her from her job
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Jackson, MS, schools will soon stop shackling students... well, most of them, anyway
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Jurassic Park was built by prisoners in Cuba, with obligatory pics of prehistoric Cubans fighting cave-bears
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| Fri May 25, 2012 |
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At last, something to look forward to: If you are elderly and poor, prison is a better alternative than a retirement home
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After seeing his neighbor's tree get cut down--a tree planted in 1930, the year he was born--a man decided to make his own coffin out of it
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Child falls from window, lands in hospital. WE'VE GOT A TELEPORTER
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In Kentucky you can get a 'Letter Jacket' for A) Football. B) Track. C) Bass fishing. D) All of the above
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Worst traffic in America? Chicago is 2nd to none.....except for pizza
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Woman reunited with bike she lost 41 years ago
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White people from Portland prefer Tumblr, white people from Tulsa prefer Pinterest. Everyone else, apparently, has better things to do with their time that use digital corkboards
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Teen secretly lived in AOL's HQ for 2 months, eating free food, using gym & showers, sleeping in conference rooms while working on his start-up. Everyone assumed he worked there
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Photoshop this new arrival from Alaska
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| (Some All American Guy) |
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The official list of words that get the attention of Homeland Security when you chat with your BFF Jill on FB
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It apparently requires the efforts of four TSA and two police officers to identify... an iPhone charger
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Dutch twin prostitutes, 69, serve as a harsh lesson on why you finish reading a headline before clicking
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Researchers use invisibility cloaks to trap, taste the rainbow
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Photoshop theme: If humans evolved from cats
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It's time for the Fark News Quiz. The only quiz in the world that's easier to pass if you have a few stiff drinks first
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The incredibly strange but true story of invisible meth labs, dogs shot dead and John McAfee, founder of McAfee Antivirus, on the lam in Belize
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Never seen early photos of the American West, AKA, at time when Americans had spirit, guts and balls
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Armstrong. Collarbone, not so much
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Some people write "wash me" on dirty cars. Then there's this guy
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Old news: Nebraska man convicted of driving while drunk and naked, with truck full of naked passengers. New News: Arrested for stealing 2700 gallons of jet fuel to run his farm equipment. Fark: 1400 gallons of it remain missing
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One Million Moms is not pleased with Marvel and DC's homosexual comic book characters, sees no reason why they have to go and gay up something wholesome like men sneaking off to put on flamboyant costumes and grapple with each other
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Woman complains her husband needs porn on TV to get him in the mood for sex - without once describing in detail the porn in question
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That strange noise your phone just made? You probably shouldn't ignore it as you're about to get hit by a tornado or swept away by a tsunami
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| (WJAC TV) |
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Good: Petting the sweet kitty at neighborhood bonfire. Bad: Kitty is an ankle biter. Worse: Kitty has rabies. OH SHIAT: Kitty is also a grey fox
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The Colorado River is about to burst forth from its rigid confines and gush its majesty across the canyon. I came
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Mum of two talks about her recent trip to the Playboy Mansion. Yes there's a gallery. Yes there was a lingerie/pyjama party. No, there's no word from her boyfriend about what he thinks about the trip
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Doctor Who will carry the Olympic torch to Cardiff on Saturday, stop at the shop afterwards for some Jammie Dodgers
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Philippine farmer fined for killing rare eagle. It was delicious
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Father upset that his third-grader daughter was drawing swastikas as part of her class art project when she was supposed to be studying Native American culture
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How do you get a woman to shut up while you're arguing with her? Urinate on her chest
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$10,000 worth of damage to home caused by rebellious teens skipping school. And by teens, I mean first graders
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'The Demise of Guys': How video games and porn are ruining a generation. This...is CNN
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"NFL locker rooms could be more than ready to not only accept, but embrace homosexual teammates"
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Mayor of a New Jersey town and worried about the recall drive against you? No problem, just hack the website calling for your recall and threaten everyone involved
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Not news: man divorces wife over her cats. Fark: she has 550 of them
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You're in the office, these animals are in the sun
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"We will not let a tornado ruin our wedding, FARK you tornado"
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Well, you know what they say: "crazy in the head"
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I've got some good news men...well, mostly good news. The desire to send naked pics is hard wired into the human brain...especially the female brain
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The UAE would like to respectfully request that the foreign women who visit it stop dressing like such whores
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Today's Fark-ready headline: "Man goes to hospital with a kidney stone... and discovers he's a woman"
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Milestone in construction of USS Gerald R. Ford, America's newest nuclear powered aircraft carrier; its penis was installed yesterday (pic)
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Leave it to Marion Barry to say something racist while apologizing for saying something racist
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Disneyland Japan to let cute Japanese lesbians have their wedding at the theme park. This is a great step forward for gay rights in Japan and... aw, hell, you stopped reading at "Cute Japanese Lesbians", didn't you?
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Chile builds the world's biggest pool. Bring your swim suit and sailboat
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Doctor arrested for DUI goes insane inside squad car, spitting blood on a state trooper and descending into a rampage (Warning: graphic video)
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Judge approves extradition for L.A. arsonist's mother, whose photo will now be attached to every "your mom" Fark headline
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Bacon tourism is real, and it's spectacular
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Not to alarm anyone, but right now there is a full-blown war going on between two Mexican cartels and there is no end in sight
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Drug dealer running late for a rap concert sends his mother to pick up ten kilos of heroin at an IHOP, neither realizing the operation was a sting. Oh I bet he is SO grounded
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Man subpoenas K-9 officer to testify in his defense, "I was hoping that they would let me plant marijuana in the courthouse to see if he could find drugs"
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NY motorcyclist loses license for speeding at 170 mph. Well duh, it probably blew out of his pocket
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This one time, at band cave
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The specials today are a fresh arugula salad with lardons and a balsamic vinaigrette, a butter-poached dover sole, and the chef's own genitals. Wait, what? (not safe for, well, anything)
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I like my women like I like my dwarfs, dopey and sleepy
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PCP KOs DCFD
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"Take me home, Dad"
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How do you stop poachers killing endangered species? Put a bounty on their heads to make THEM extinct
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The man then proceeded to ask officers for their clothes, their boots and their motorcycles
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I'm stuck to my chair. I'm so very scared. Help
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Eenie meenie miney moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers, please contact Pierce County, Washington Animal Control, because they can't locate him and he may be a danger to the public
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You're mad because you think the assistant principal took your son's iPod. Do you: A) Talk with the principal? B) File a complaint with the district? C) Make a fake profile on a porn site under the assistant principal's name?
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Casey Anthony spends her days eating in front of the computer. No word on what her Fark handle is
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Rescue workers have to demolish part of house to get Britain's Got Tonnage winner to the hospital
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Fugitive penguin recaptured in Tokyo. Keepers are keen to return it to the Sea Life Park, but on the other hand they've already mixed up 200 pounds of batter for penguin tempura
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Don't you just hate it when a bunch of heifers crash your party and drink all the beer?
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Curt Schilling strikes out 300 employees
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| (BBC News) |
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Photoshop these courtly cricket club members
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| (Some Guy) |
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Caption what this poor kid is thinking (kinda Not safe for work: old man ass)
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First female skipper in British Navy's 500-year history takes charge of warship, immediately gets stuck in reverse
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Kids confusing detergent packs for candy ending up sick even quicker, yet have the whitest whites and the brightest colors
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Legoland Florida sets Guinness world record for Dumbest Stunt Performed at a Theme Park Modeled After a Toy
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Not really news: Woman kicked off plane. Fark: For wearing a T-shirt that said, "If I wanted the government in my womb, I'd f--k a senator" (w/video)
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Mortician finds gunshot wound to the chest of a man that had been ruled to have died of natural causes by police and EMS. To be fair, it happened in Detroit so they might have been confused
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Left babysitting 4-year-old while her mom, friend go to gym? Just tie her up in kitchen chair and go on playing video games. Problem solved
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Scientists pinpoint exact date of Christ's death. Resurrection still up for debate
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Seriously, who doesn't like bears falling from trees?
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The militant wing of the Salvation Army strikes again
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Bizarre legal case involving a mysterious billionaire could force 1 million Quebecois to be married, against their will. Quebecois?
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| Thu May 24, 2012 |
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Sorry about the five years you spent in prison because I falsely accused you of rape. Wanna be friends on Facebook?
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Woman fined for damaging telemarketer's hearing after blowing whistle into phone. Whatever the fine was, put me down for two
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Hottest new game show around: School Food or Prison Food? Warning: may induce nausea and vomiting
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Old and busted: Low-carb junk food. New hotness: Gluten free junk food
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A word to the wise: Burning down Home Depot won't save your friend's hardware store
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Teen cancels order at taco stand. Naturally, someone tries to run him over
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Photoshop theme: Books for geniuses (the opposite of the For Dummies series)
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Vintage ventriloquism portraits.. pleasant dreams
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R.O.U.S.s do exist, and they're ravaging Gough island
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SCOTUS to us all: suck it twice
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This could be bad news if you have triskaidekaphobia, taphephobia, thanatophobia, placophobia or, if you are reading this headline, hippopotomonstrosesquipedalio phobia
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Boy eats his mom out of house and home because he has an extreme disorder called nom.. nom.. nom
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Since everything else is fine with the world: Here are pets doing yoga. Relax and meditate with them
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It turns out the 'Men In Black' movies are actually documentaries
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Darth Vader robs bank, escapes on TIEcycle
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Photoshop this Central Park encounter
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Brazilian airline shaves a passenger from its flight, leaves him on the landing strip
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School nurse rushes to crash scene, treats boo-boos
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Woman needs money. Does she a) get a job? b) take out a loan? or c) attack her double-amputee mother? (with "is she naked?" mug)
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Am I dreaming or did a priest just claim a missing girl buried in a mobster's tomb was a Vatican sex party slave victim?
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If you're planning to hide out in the library to burn books after hours, make sure you have an escape route so you don't have to call 9-1-1 after you light them
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Hard-hitting Argentinian journalist meets hard-hitting Argentinian politician
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When playing golf, you need to be aware of sand traps, water hazards, and falling airplane doors
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The school district's public information officer wants you to know that's not the vajayjay you're looking at
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The new future of electronics: vacuum tubes
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| (Times Tribune) |
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Suggestions for Father's Day activities: go fishing; go watch a sporting event; sit outside and grill; get arrested together for meth distribution
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If you're looking for a job that pays over $76,000 a year, head to the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport, where you get paid that for chasing birds off the runway
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So what happens when the pet bison gets sick in the house?
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After stealing an iPhone, the best thing to do may not be to post your picture on the Facebook page of the girl you stole it from
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Old man drives wheelchair down the highway to confront other old man at trailer park over $5 owed. Other old man is naked and using a cane. They end up in a naked, wheelchair bound cane / stick fight in the front yard. Ta-Da
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Stand aside King Krunk, there is another contender for the crown
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Couple arrested after leaving child in car while they went to the strip club. Well, it would have been inappropriate to buy him a lap dance
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Does a bear shiat in the woods? Usually, but if he wants to use the outhouse he won't wait for his turn
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NYC public school requires students to study Arabic. English still listed as optional
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Inventor of Oreo cream filling to be laid to rest between Jimi Hendrix and Sammy Davis Jr
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The guy with a gun always gets to go ahead of everybody else at the McDonald's drive-thru
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Six months in the life of a woman "caught up" in the cycle of poverty. "She took the test - and failed. But rather than study and take it again, she shrugged it off. 'I guess I am not working for a reason,' she said"
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Remember friends, it could always be worse. You could drown in an enormous septic pit filled with horse manure
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Russia tests new missile with previously unachievable performance as a response to USA missile defense system
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Australian mining tycoon is the new richest woman in the world, and is quite the looker too
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Court rules that land developer wasn't required to disclose that property being bought in Orlando for building a house is next to former WW2 firing range which still has unexploded ordnance buried in it
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Worried about thieves stealing your pot stash? Easy solution: invest in a pair of guard-alligators
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Mom's response to kid being locked, tossed in washing machine: these things happen
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Not News: Teen suspended. News: for faking suicide. Fark: in class project video on bullying
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Kids, the bus is here
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Colorado is actively lobbying to become a hub for suborbital space planes in a worldwide network of suborbital point-to-point travel. This actually makes a lot of sense to anyone who has ever been to the Denver airport
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Tae Kwon Do instructor arrested for having sex with underage female students [CUT TO: unusually explicit training montage]
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Too lazy to give birth the old fashioned way? Well, good job, that's why your baby is fat
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It is not legal to get into a drunk driving accident, then to bury the driver of the other car alive. Not even in China
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DC's Capital Bikeshare is a program in which bicycles are made available for shared use to muggers who do not own them
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Iranian navy saves US freighter from pirates. No shia
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Traffic congestion in U.S. metro areas has dropped 30%, easing motorist tension. Drivers now wave to each other using more than one finger
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NYPD has suspect in custody who has admitted involvement in the disappearance of Etan Patz 33 years ago
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Photoshop this bogus bird
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"I smoked with a cop," said a man who identified himself as Panda, and it was "some of the best [shiat] I've had in a while"
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Missing [✔] White [ ] Girl [✔] aaaaaand that's why the news is just now reporting that she disappeared in April
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What a 19-year old said after peeing in the back of a police car: C) I told you I had to go, you stupid cop
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Yes I built a gigantic bull sculpture next to the highway. DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU?
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Kid refuses to wear hearing aid because "Superheroes don't", so Marvel creates one for him
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If you are in the mood for a real-life adventure story, read about William Morgan, an American who joined the Cuban Revolution and became a military commander. This makes Kerouac's adventures look juvenile
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Four-alarm fire on board nuclear submarine in dry-dock at Maine naval base. In other news, half-price special this weekend at Red Lobster
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Nut Liquor is pretty good except it sometimes feels like it's sticking to the roof of your mouth
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| (Socialist Stooge) |
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German police confront Occupy protesters and....take off their helmets and escort them through town?
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What can brown do for you? Delivery driver waits in hall till woman finishes bathing to find out
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Los Angeles prohibits plastic bags, forcing deportation of entire "Real Housewives of Orange County" cast
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Victoria Beckham likes to get facials from New Zealand sheep placentas
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 368: "Sleeve-faced" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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Not sure what is more Farking awesome: (1) High school student Tebowing on stage during his graduation (2) School withholds his diploma, orders him to clean school gym (3) Cleaning the gym was his mom's idea
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| Wed May 23, 2012 |
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Why the unruly go to Bangor, didn't even know her
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Iran makes five-point proposal to world powers. It's the same kind of five-point proposal that Lucy made Linus in "A Charlie Brown Christmas"
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Coolest live video feed from the Dragon capsule as it passes the ISS, You'll see at 11:30pm PDT
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Excerpt from Harvard class-of-1962 reunion directory: "Occupation: prisoner. Awards: eight life sentences"
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NASA's "Opportunity" Rover sees its own shadow on Endeavour Crater on Mars, signalling six more weeks of a hellish Mars summer (pic)
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Emu invades golf course, wants to talk about his feelings. The Sun is there, but it just doesn't care
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Remember the 7th-degree black belt who can take away your gun faster than you can blink? His black belt skills apparently don't include getting a loaded pistol magazine through TSA
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The best porn tenderloins can be found--where else?--Iowa
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Researchers find that babies generally concentrate on what they can understand, and filter out information they see as too complicated. This phenomenon can be easily observed and tested by spending a short time on the Politics tab
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As god is my witness, I thought hot dogs could fly
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Gastroenteritis outbreak linked to reusable shopping bag. If only there were some way to wash those things
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Photoshop this fast female
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Got a new laser pointer? Want to show it off to your friends? You might be wise to not point it at the police boat out in the harbor
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Oxford University tells Yeti hunters to put up or shut up, give us some DNA so we know you're not wacko
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Ever wonder how construction cranes get up on top of skyscrapers? Or more importantly, how they get down? Here comes the engineering
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Study proves that nuclear power is safe for twenty years, every twenty years
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Ferrera Pan and Farley's to merge, creating the ever-tasty LemonChucklehead
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A Columbia S.C. man finds discovers just how farking huge a rat snake can actually get
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It's nice gesture when you want to help a young student remove a loose tooth. If you do help, just make sure you pull the tooth that's actually loose
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Rash of rashes breaks out at middle school
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Your honor, the alleged victim wanted to be beaten to a pulp and asked for it all season. If you need more proof that he is a masochist, consider that he actually enrolled in Florida A&M in the first place
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When riding a motorcycle, it's always prudent to keep your mouth closed because of bugs. Unfortunately, this doesn't work with golf balls
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Hot dog slicer cuts your kid's hot dog into perfect, choke-sized pieces
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Photoshop this Indiana Jones imitator
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Remember how many people said during the GOP primary "All Obama is going to have to do to create campaign commercials is run the tape of Romney's GOP rivals attacking him on the campaign trail"?
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Dr. Kellogg invented Corn Flakes as an anti-masturbatory food. He also burned off clitorises, advocated sewing foreskins with silver wire, and filled his patients' asses with gallons of yogurt
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If I'm reading this article correctly, and I believe that I am, the headline is longer than the article
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"Potomac River tuber clung to rock overnight until rescued by anglers." Man, that potato wanted to live
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Uncertain about naming a warship after a gay rights anti-war activist? You could try asking his ghost, at least if you're in San Francisco
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The 900 dolphins who died off the coast of Peru all perished from natural causes, according to a scientist who also says Kennedy was killed by a lone gunman, Bin Laden was the mastermind of 9/11, and we really did land on the moon
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"Child Hugging Priest" told to knock it off, plans to fist kids instead
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"Jimmy, I think the school bus is here to pick you up"
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Best. Vicar. Ever: four-minute sermons, bring-a-bottle confirmation classes, and if he was too drunk to pronounce "vicissitude" at Christmas midnight mass he'd simply pick up where he left off the next Christmas
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Chipotle accused of hiring illegal Mexican immigrants and is the subject of a Federal Investigation over hiring practices. Which is kind of ironic, considering their food is the furthest you can get from real Mexican
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"La Grange police were called at about 4:45 p.m. May 11 after someone reported hearing two men at Lincoln and Sawyer avenues talking about stabbing each other. Police could not locate them"
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Not news: Man ticketed for littering. Fark: Ticket was for dropping money on the ground. Bonus Fark: The money fell as he was handing it off to a wheelchair-bound homeless man
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A year after the Joplin Tornado killed 160 people some are curious as to why the Missouri National Guard looted the city after the disaster but are told to go die in a tornado
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Drunk hit-and-run driver turns into sober driver after officers discover he's a retired cop
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Blogger claims that Roger Ailes claims that Jon Stewart once admitted to him in a bar that he was a socialist, so that means Sarah Palin is automatically president and Stewart has to dig a hole and sit in it
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Selling your breast milk online comes with certain pitfalls, not least of which is having men buy it for "health reasons"
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They say the tallest buildings of an era reflect its most cherished values and, by and large, that's also true of this pile of crap
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Conservative media reports that roving gangs of black teens are flash-mobbing across the country in their insatiable search for white flesh
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| (Some Guy) |
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Deep fried Girl Scout cookies? Yes, please
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Janitor finds out NASA wasn't just farking around when they painted KEEP CLEAR on those launch pads
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One of my employees called out hungover for the past 2 days. That literally was her excuse. Not sure if I am mad or respect her for telling the truth at least. Leaning toward respect. How would you react?
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| (Steve Weaver Aircraft) |
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A niche in the aviation business: flying with the newly dead. "Oh, no need to sit up, sir, we haven't landed yet"
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"Mr. Singh said that he had 65 langurs urinating on prominent homes and buildings throughout Delhi." The best part is that they pay him to do it
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It's bad when people wonder why you still have your job... and wonder it in public... and you're the founder of the company. Isn't that right, Michael Dell?
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Quadruple amputee mom reaching for another milestone. Well, sort of
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| (Some Guy) |
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Newest household item that causes cancer? Your couch
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And remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the ass
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Subby got a warning, instead of a ticket this morning. Have you ever talked your way out of a ticket before? How? What were you doing wrong?
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Porn actress pleads guilty to 2nd degree murder. Judging by the mugshot I'm guessing it was entrapment
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It's the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812 and the tall ships are in New York harbor for Fleet Week. No word yet if there are any on the Potomac guarding the White House
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Welcome to sunny Florida, please enjoy our strip mall casinos, where mafia-connected thugs will cheerfully beat you to within an inch of your life and provide you with a voucher good for 10% off a paragliding adventure
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Hawaii provides Arizona with President Obama's birth records to finally put to rest the question of his citizenship. No wait, this is Arizona.. scratch that
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The twelve most idiotic video game boycotts of all time. Remember when you were forbidden to play Mortal Kombat at the arcade?
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Group of high school students riding their bikes to school? That's a suspendin'. Bonus: They had a police escort, and the mayor brought donuts
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About 93 percent of Florida just breathed a sigh of relief
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Greek hospitals decide that mothers can't take their newborns home if they can't pay the hospital bill
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"It's vodka today, but it could be underwear five years from now if this isn't nipped in the bud"
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Albertan run over by 26 train cars, gets up, picks up beer and walks away. "Police say alcohol along with his small stature likely saved him"
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MSNBC asks the questions we all want to know: "Painting over a presidential penis, respect or vandalism?"
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'Gay' penguin couple given egg of their own, all three doing fine. FINE? IT'S NOT FINE. It has TWO DADDIES. It may be FINE on the OUTSIDE, but INSIDE it's CONFUSED and EMBARRASSED. LOOK AT THE FREAK EGG. IT HAS TWO DADDIES
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| (Some Guy) |
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Yankees to hand out free toothbrushes to first 1,000 fans with teeth
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Plastic surgeon has to sue his patients to find out why they weren't satisfied, after they posted why they weren't satisfied online
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Egyptians are voting today in the "first" "free" "elections" in their history - discussion thread
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PROTIP: IF you are a Disney CM stealing an iPhone from a passenger on the cruise ship, best not take pictures of your fellow CMs, especially if the iPhone is loading directly to Facebook. BONUS: read the comments for added hilarity
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China's new 4D roller coaster gives you the best excuse to move there since you learnt their Walmarts sell crocodiles
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"At least I didn't do the students," says California teacher who was fired after her X-rated porn past was discovered. Bonus: 2-minute clip from one of her films
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This summer's road construction delays are brought to you by a pregnant elephant. This is not a euphemism for the fat guys anxiously waiting for the roach coach to deliver their donuts
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New TB test promises to be just like your mom
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6 in 10 consumers have cut back on non-essential spending due to high price of gasoline. Of course, without a job or car, gasoline also becomes non-essential
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The power of the "bully pulpit" - Opposition to same-sex marriage fell to a record low after President Obama's announced support. Fabulous
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The quaint Southern tradition of parking your car on your lawn is coming under attack. No word on whether that includes cars up on cinder blocks or not
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Man with ammunition too dangerous for the gun range decides to fire it off in his garage. What could possibly go wrong?
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7. 7 Billion Dollars. Ah ah ah ahhhh
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JPMorgan Chase executives finally appear before Senate committee to answer for staggering losses. GOP lawmakers immediately attack the blatant irresponsibility, recklessness, and rampant unprofessionalism of ... federal regulators
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MIT engineers devise non-stick coating for insides of condiment bottles, meaning no more whacking the 57. That's not a euphemism for anything lewd
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Old man accidentally brings a pipe bomb used for self-defense to a hospital. Now he wonders what a convicted felon is supposed to use for self-defense after all this
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First large waves of debris hit Alaska from last year's Japanese tsunami. If only we had some debris alert system in place for these situations
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If you're an elected official, don't send porn to your HR director
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Happy Birthday John D. Rockefeller who would have been 173 today if money could buy time
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United Airlines addresses traveler inequality by ending pre-boarding for families with children
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"I have a Cuban grandparent. Why does the census count me as Hispanic." Well, either way you get some great college tuition breaks
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10 kg hailstone hits
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If you're a Denver cop and get drunk and drive 143 MPH, you would think that you'd lose your job. Well, think again
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Lead roles in upcoming Casey Anthony movie cast, unfortunately not into Hell
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Webster's has a new photo to use for when you look up "douchebag" in the dictionary (SFW)
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Earthquake blamed for increase in cat suicides in Turkey. The sudden popularity of raccoon videos also believed to be a factor
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If I'm reading this article correctly, and I believe that I am, the Obama campaign is doing some sort of weird experimenting with advertisements that use something called "empire-ism." Hm. Guess the man is a dictator
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Super hot Olympic hurdler can't find a boyfriend because she's a virgin..submitter too busy staring at pics to think up witty headline..PICS I said..glorious glorious pics
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Embarrassed at getting caught stealing a shopping cart, our intrepid hero tries to redeem his street cred by stealing the clock off the police station wall
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I pity the fool who forgot to wish Mr. T a happy 60th birthday on Monday
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If YouIntroduce yourself on a video where YouAdmit to the crime of stealing a video camera, don't upload it to YouTube, YouWill go to jail. And the article will post the video that YouMade of YouDoing this. YouDumbass
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The UK may allow In-Vitro Fertilization for same-sex couples. That's good. They may also allow IVF for older women. That's bad. The IVF comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The toppings contain potassium benzoate
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Protip: If you're going to rob a general store in the rural south, assume the clerk has a gun hidden behind the register. Fark: General store is on Acorn Hill Road in Hobbsville
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Corey Feldman has 6 foot 300-pound woman that he met through Michael Jackson arrested for violating a restraining order...while living in his house
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"Uncommitted" beat President Obama in 67 of Kentucky's 120 counties. This is good for everybody, except President Obama
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Geek Pride Night 9pm 5/23 at Skybar in Bowling Green, OH. Farkers most definitely welcome to our party
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Beheading and eating your fellow Greyhound passenger is bad, but if the voice of God told you he was an alien and had to be destroyed, well, that's different
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So, a man walks into a liquor store and says, "Hey, where can I get a nice cold one with a head?"
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"Doctor Who Helped Find Bin Laden"
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ᴛᴇʟᴇɢʀᴀᴘʜ ʀoᴀᴅ sᴛᴏᴘ ᴍᴀɴ ʀᴜɴs sᴛᴏᴘ cᴀʀ wᴏɴ'ᴛ sᴛᴏᴘ
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| (Some Guy) |
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Challenge: Remodel and restore this rundown urban block
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Ok. Best. Doodle. Ever
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Ladies, here is a new product you never knew you needed. Vagina lightening cream
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You save your five-year-old from falling off a cliff, but lose your Jeep over the edge? That'll be two tickets. One of which is failure to show insurance card, which is now at the bottom of a lake
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All those witnesses who you've been basing your defense of George ZImmerman on? Yeah, sit down I have something to tell you
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Today's Hack: Turn a supersoaker into a shotgun
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| Tue May 22, 2012 |
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Stephen Colbert voted Maxim's 69th hottest woman in America. HA HA, dangly parts
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Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow,
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I'm feeling really elitist with my $2 words and arugula right now. How do you enunciate your displeasure with the unwashed masses?
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