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| Sun August 14, 2011 |
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Dog missing for year after car crash returns. It's been a ruff journey
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HEIL. Frau Fuhrer
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Remember that stealth chopper that crashed when Team 6 killed Osama? Yeah, as a show of good faith Pakistan let China take a look at it
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Photoshop this draw back
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Man breaks into home and takes shower. Naturally, he brags to the cops: "I bit my own umbilical cord off when I was born"
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NASA astronaut snaps amazing picture of Perseid Meteor shower as seen from....Space...the final frontier
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Remember when you got your senior portrait taken all it involved was getting a haircut, putting on a dorky tie, and posing in front of a cheesy backdrop of a tree? These days kids are hiring professional makeup artists and wardrobe consultants
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| (Ric Romero) |
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"It's such a routine task, many people don't realize how dangerous mowing a lawn can be if you don't take precautions." It doesn't take mulch to keep safe with Ric
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| (WCNC) |
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Federal govt outraged that North Carolina has been housing its mentally ill in such inappropriate places such as homes and hospitals for the mentally ill. The result: end of funding which will move these people where they belong: the streets
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Jenny McCarthy has derped 23% of Miami's schoolkids
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| (Some Guy) |
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Ugly-ass baby meerkat bastard is rejected by other meerkats, will be raised on scrambled eggs and porridge
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Come for the amusing story about a Muslim comedy tour in the Deep South; leave shaken after reading the comments
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14 household uses for beer and to Subby's dismay none of them were DRINK IT
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Photoshop Juno preparing for her journey
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Illinois Governor Pat Quinn will sign a new law entitled "Let Them Rest In Peace" that will ban protests at military funerals, ensuring the sickos at Westboro won't be welcomed in Illinois
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Happy 61st birthday to the funniest newspaper cartoonist of all time, Gary Larson. From talking cows to chubby women in beehives, he brought absurdity into our homes. Share your favorite cartoons if you've got 'em
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Rest assured if your Freightliner suddenly loses steering and launches heavy construction equipment onto a minivan, it's probably covered under recall. Steering recall trifecta in play
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Mattress police? No, sheet
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Man tries to lure 13 year old girl into an alley. She tells her mom. Mom proceeds to beat the pulp out of the man. (with "what happened?" mugshot goodness)
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Why you... DAMN IT I cannot think of something funny, no one is going to like this headline, I'll never get a green light
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Behind the scenes of a burger company vastly inferior to In-N-Out
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Get 'em while they're hot
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The Boston Public Library is getting rid of 300,000 books and would love to rent you a room for your wedding
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Elderly Jew tells how he killed a Nazi with his bare hands, hid in sewers, saved his baby daughter from the death camps, and blew dust in Subby's eye
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"Either there is a real misunderstanding of how child porn works, or the school grossly overestimates the sexiness of its children"
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If you live anywhere in the Midwest and happen to spot a 128 foot-long blimp with the logo "Hangar 1 Vodka" on its side, the FAA would ask that that you please notify local law enforcement
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15 shot in nine separate incidents within 24 hours, leaving six dead. Or, as they call it in Detroit, "the weekend"
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Headline says something about a Spanish duchess, but subby can't seem to get past the creature that will haunt his nightmares forever
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| (Some Guy) |
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You're out jogging with a friend and see a white van. Do you c) Run for your life, jump a fence, and call 911 to report an attempted kidnapping
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Photoshop these depictions of the deep
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Tim Quitlenty
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Actual headline: "We must study porn to defeat Al Qaeda". Volunteers line up to the right
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| (Some Guy) |
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You know when you are in the wrong line of work when you fark up the largest implosion in the state's history
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| (Some Guy) |
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Marriage proposal ends with bride hitting the groom in the face and tossing the ring off a cliff, also she said yes
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Definitely in the Wong place at the Wong time
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Photoshop this cowling cutie
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Indiana stage collapse ends Sugarland concert, killing four and saving thousands
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| Sat August 13, 2011 |
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Four ugly ass Tasmania devils born in Sydney Austraila...awww who am I kidding they're cute as buttons but they will eat your liver right out of you. With video goodness
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In addition to alligators, nightmarish heat, and an armed population allowed to shoot at the slightest provocation, Florida's lakes and rivers contain deadly amoebas THAT CAN KILL YOU AT ANY TIME
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Interest, hemlines in classical music rising
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| (Some Guy) |
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Has anyone else here ever frozen your clothes instead of washing them? Does this actually work?
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Photoshop this itty-bitty bomb
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Hottest fly ménage à trois you'll see today. In other news, subby is a lonely, lonely man
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Judge upholds right of teenage girls to post sexually suggestive pictures on MySpace
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Iowans gone bat-shiat-crazy
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You know you're too fat, and your death will be noted on Fark, when, in a suicide attempt, the subway train bounces you back onto the platform like a beachball in lieu of running you over
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not news: Police on the alert for a mob in Little Italy. Fark: Police on the alert for a flash mob in Little Italy
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Wisconsin plans to deal with Asian carp. OH NO, NOW THEY WANT TO NEGOTIATE???
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Water Wars have Begun: Alabama, Florida appeal ruling in water feud with Georgia
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It's the weekend, why not relax and read a whole bunch of HOA horror stories
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| (Some Guy) |
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Meet Chicago's new 'pothole killer'. Basically it's a machine that fills potholes with that inedible sludge of a casserole Chicagoans call deep-dish pizza
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AT&T slapped down for the 3rd time trying to build tall cell towers near protected wilderness areas in northern MN -- Tip for AT&T: lakes and trees are not potential subscribers
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Did you go to the bathroom? The top 16 longest gaps between exits on the interstate
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| (Some Guy) |
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Do you enjoy drinking vodka tonics or black & tans? If so, you should be ashamed of yourself
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"I say, Holmes, what type of school had a Sir Arthur Conan Doyle book removed because of alleged LDS bias?" "Elementary, my dear Watson"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Marine Corps corporal will be the third living recipient of the Medal of Honor for actions in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the first Marine. Semper Fi
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The 2011 Douche Coupster Deluxe is one bad ass-car
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| (Some skittish postal workers) |
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Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick
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Tropical Storm Franklin forms in the Atlantic, hopes to someday have as big an impact as Pig Pen or Marcie
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With election season starting, this is likely the first in a series of reminders that Al-Qaeda means to kill us all and the current administration is on the case
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Just another day at the beach as a volcano erupts behind
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Happy 85th birthday, Zombie Castro
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Sparrow birdsong is aggressive, macho and insults rivals. Don't push me, 'cos I'm close to the hedge
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World's stupidest inventions. Slideshows noticeably absent
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this lone groover in London town
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Manhunt underway for Loop bank robber. Manhunt underway for Loop bank robber. Manhunt underway for Loop bank robber. Manhunt underway for Loop bank robber. Manhunt underway for Loop bank robber. Manhunt underway for Loop bank robber
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Women's beach volleyball duo sell advertisements on their bikini bottoms. Naturally, people who don't have asses like hot women's beach volleyball players have a problem with this
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Hot geography teacher faces jail sentence for showing female student how to get around Down Under
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The reason U.S. children are becoming less creative is because teachers focus too much on standardized testing. And they won't let them eat paste
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The date: Jan. 2, 1931. The city: Pasadena. The event: The Einsteins greet the media on what must have been a very cold day
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One benefit of worldwide economic chaos: cheap gas. So let's hear it for economic chaos -- now subby can finally afford to fill up the tank in the car he'll shortly be living in once he gets laid off and foreclosed on
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████████████ 50 years ████████████
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All of those celebrating the world's most sinister holiday, please raise your hand. No, the other hand
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FCC to launch major overhaul of the 911 system, which means fat irate Americans will soon be able to text and twitpic emergency services the next time McDonald's mixes up their order
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| (inquisitr.com) |
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Nearly extinct "Dune Cat" gives birth to an adorable kitten. The spice must flow on Caturday
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| (Some Guy) |
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Introducing Ferrari World, a new theme park that immerses you in the Ferrari experience
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Denver Police would like your help in catching a bank robber. Judging by the picture and description, a trip to Country Buffet might save some time
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this snail's pace
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85-year-old man fends off gun-wielding mugger, with bonus Eastwood-esque quote, "I hope I'm prepared next time, prepared to send them to the morgue"
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As much as it sounds like it, naked sword dueling isn't a sexual euphemism, at least not in Florida
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If you're going to rob a couple after a nice dinner, make sure the husband isn't a 63 year old ex-wrestler. And stay off his lawn, for Pete's sake
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Rm /usr/bin
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| Fri August 12, 2011 |
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Cellular services disabled to prevent protesters from organizing. Is this a) Syria, B) Yemen, or C) San Francisco
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Cancer survivor sets up 'sexless' dating site for those who can't have sex
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Just in case you were wondering what a mugshot of a guy who likes public sex with a midget love doll looks like
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Family fined $300 for trying to smuggle fresh fruit and vegetables into New Jersey
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop theme: I swear, this isn't what it looks like
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Creator of iconic Obama "Hope" poster beaten up in Denmark and accused of being a "Yankee hipster"
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Online scammers are getting smarter. GET RICH NOW, ASK ME HOW
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| (Some Guy) |
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Verizon strikers sabotage landlines to Police station. Keep it classy, strikers
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This week's mugshot roundup features a non-gay Sesame Street character. Ok, *less* gay
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Apparently, this woman hates paintings that have naked breasts and women wearing plum hats
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So who really won the Iowa debate? It was obviously a tie between Rick Perry (for not showing up) and Barack Obama (for not being a Republican). Obviously
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Listen to Warren Jeffs tell his 12-year-old "wives" they have to have sex with him and each other or God won't let them into heaven
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Officials will use dish soap to move new bridge into place, Pledge most work will be done before Dawn
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| (Some Gamer Guy) |
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Looters return goods to game store after discovering what they stole. "It includes two dice, each with about 40 sides and instructions on how to gain the trust of a 'cloud wizard'"
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Hey remember when the top credit agency Moody's kept us at AAA, and the number two, S&P gave us a AA+? Turns out, S&P could stand to make a lot of money if the US was downgraded. Oh, and they're being investigated
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Apparently, some people get pissed if the lobster salad you charge $16.95 a pound for doesn't actually have any lobster in it
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Pop quiz, hotshot. It's Fark's weekly Weird News Quiz, and that means you shoot the hostage
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Man accused of stabbing with a piece of broken mirror now faces seven years of bad luck in jail
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How do you get kids to listen in class nowadays? How about wearing 10,000 bees?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this elegant master of the seas
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[Breaking] Appeals court rules that the health care mandate is unconstitutional. Suck it, libs. Court also rules that the rest of the law can stay. Suck it, cons
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| (ktvb.com) |
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24 years after painting a quarter a man receives it as change
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Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the 3-foot fence and crushed some poor sap's car
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| (Some Guy) |
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It appears you're more likely to get Hepatitis A than actual Italian food at the Olive Garden
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Before she embarked on a bank robbery with her two brothers, Grace Lee Dougherty did a hardcore nude photo shoot. And from the look of things, dough is right (SFW, but not eyes)
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Tiger does tiger thing when stupid human does stupid human thing
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Pro Tip: When stealing credit card numbers from restaurant guests, first ensure said guests are not employees of the Secret Service
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Scientists study the oldest wood on Earth, previously only witnessed by aspiring Playboy playmates
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| (Some Guy) |
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Molly is 11 years old and missing in South Carolina, but there's no amber alert. Can you guess why?
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If naked planking in the hallway of a Florida hotel is wrong, I don't want to be right
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| (Some Guy) |
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Pro tip: If you're seeking protection from the cops, it's never a good idea to call one and ask him if he's interested in buying some marijuana
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Rapist allegedly caught "masturbating violently" in public says he did it because there isn't enough free love
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UPS refuses to leave packages at a woman's apartment for theft concerns. Naturally, since she's a Consumerist reader, she's got a problem with it
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Costumed police arrest gladiators outside Roman Colosseum. Apparently, they were not entertained
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There's a real reason for the London riots, here comes the science
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What may be a bigger threat to Afghanistan than insurgency? Land disputes
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Witnesses who watched six cops beat a man to death are not allowed to watch video of the incident because it could taint their memories. However, there are six exceptions to that rule. Take a guess to whom those apply
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Former police chief in charge of charity for the disabled decides that they don't really need all that money, and lines his pockets with $626k. Community laison police: *facepalm*
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Good news: you and your 17 co-workers win $7M from the lottery. Fark: The day after you all got laid off
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| (Some Guy) |
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Owners of a gay bookstore in London that was vandalized blame a) rioting b) rioting c) rioting or d) homophobia
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Extreme couponer arrested for stealing 180 newspapers. "I didn't know it was illegal"
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Actual headline: "JetBlue flier who 'peed' on girl could be axed from US Ski Team." Could?
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Next theatre of war: Antarctica....where the bloody hell are you? Trying to claim one third of the oil reserves, where are you?
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Friday photo fun: Who done it? Contest ends 6 p.m. EST
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Lesson One: Learn what time the Starbucks you're trying to rob is going to close
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Flying is cheaper than it's ever been, according to someone who never has carry-on luggage with them
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| (The Monitor, McAllen, Texas) |
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Dog gives police a hand with homicide investigation
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Woman injects herself with horse blood plasma and wears hooves. This is art?
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Truths about opossums - nature's sanitation engineers
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Voluptuous woman's latest fashion fail: breast baring dress. With SFW photo
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| (Some Guy) |
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Illinois is about to become the nation's largest producer of Soylent Green
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Company from Kazakhstan designs motorcycle helmets featuring full heads of hair, food, and various body parts. Very nice - high five (Not safe for work if you scroll down)
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| (azfamily.com) |
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Man late for dentist appointment. Man storms dentist office when told dentist won't see him. Dentist pulls gun on man. Man flees. At elevator, man decides to return to dentist's office. Man stumbles over two-story balcony
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Add creepy human faces to the list of items TSA will not allow onboard. Who knows what it might spit out
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So what does a guy on a crotch-rocket doing 131 in a 65 look like to a trooper? "It was like NASCAR. He was there and gone in a second, maybe a second-and-a-half"
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Group seeks to correct errors in the Bible, finds "I am the Lord your God" actually translates as "Dude I'm so high right now that burning bush is taking to me"
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Manuscript in briefcase left outside office of literary agent gets bombed
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The first rule of making explosives during summer vacation is: You DO NOT talk about making explosives during summer vacation
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| (Springfield Republican) |
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Woman who shot video of police officers beating man gets her reward -- wiretapping charges
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop what's hiding in these trees
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| (CJOB) |
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Victim unstable in hatchet stabbing, says not to axe him again
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A fire department rescued a girl who was 70 feet up a tree. She is now up for adoption at the local shelter
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Photobombing with the fishes
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| (Concord Monitor) |
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Apparently, therapeutically rubbing your urine into your face and hands is no longer accepted if you work at a fancy museum. Fark: It was just fine for the last couple decades, though
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Drunk, throwing trash out your window, and using your emergency lights to get around traffic, is no way to drive through Goshen County, Officer
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Teens stretch clear industrial strength plastic across highway, snag motorcyclist -- adding multiple counts to already lengthy wrap sheet
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California first state to make pregnant mothers almost completely inflammable
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Nutritionist believes a complete redesign of nutrition labels will help people lose weight. No word on what will help people get over the redesign
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Old and busted: Hooking in the Hamptons. New Hotness: Sleeping with rich guys for the summer to have access to their houses and boats in the Hamptons. Wait. How is this different?
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Prisoner tries to break into prison
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"Asian carp could invade by truck." THEY LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE?
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If you see a bull on the York College campus of the City University of New York, please note that he is not an economics student
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Cute girl has tongue lengthened to help her speak Korean, perform "tricks"
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Actual f*cking headline: "How much are Twitter and BlackBerry to blame for British riots?"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Former Warrant singer Jani Lane discovers that Heaven really isn't too far away
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Old and broken: Planking. New hotness: Cutting off your own head
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| Thu August 11, 2011 |
| (Some Rod) |
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Photoshop this tip touch
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Joe Scarborough thinks Rick Perry is a backwoods hillbilly who can't win votes outside the deep south, apparently has forgotten about Bill Clinton already
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Meet the London rioters, the disaffected, downtrodden youth of a nation in turm... wait, a chef? a postman? a millionaire's daughter? What the f*ck?
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America has its first death by vampire bat. Ah ha ha, you fools prepared for the wrong movie monster apocalypse
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| (Some Guy) |
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The widespread availability of porn has brought rates of rape and sexual assault to their lowest levels since the 1960s (ads NSFW)
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The fastest growing world view is a) Islamic theocratism b) Christian theocratism or c) secularism
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| (Times Free Press) |
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PSA: Handcuffing yourself to a woman who has refused to date you is illegal in Georgia
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Judge rules that inmate has no right to matzoh or grape juice. Inmate expected to challah at his lawyer
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You lost your hat. Do you c) break every bone in your friend's face
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| (abc15.com) |
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I'm not an expert in bedbugs... but I *did* stay at a Holiday Inn last month
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Btch i told u 2 del txt msgs re: stealing Cu wire"
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95% of law school graduates get a job within six months of graduation. Some job. Any job. Suing the law school for example. Would you like fries with that?
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| (Some Sheepdogs) |
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Some locals upset over Rolling Stone's profile of a local bar band that, among other things, portrays a local bar as a "sex farm for blithering drunks"
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"People who might have snuck off to have a gay or lesbian love affair now feel free to live with the person they love"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this secure spouse searcher
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"Kids for Cash" judge sentenced to 28 years of being asked to sit over there by a confused Chris Hansen
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Illinois to allow buses to travel on highway shoulders at speed during rush hour congestion. Cue Yakety Sax
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Youth pastor charged with being a cliche
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Man sticks neck out during fight, promptly gets stabbed there
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| (Some Guy) |
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Rumors that we were murdered by a serial killer have been greatly exaggerated
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Complain all you want about American fast food. At least we keep our Happy Meals swastika-free
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Scientists redesign animal's DNA to engineer it to make new proteins not found in nature. I'm pretty sure we've all seen how this movie ends
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| (Some Guy) |
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This looks shopped; I can tell from the looters, and having seen many riots in my time
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On second thought, maybe lubing up the dementia patients in your care so they would be slippery for workers on the next shift wasn't such a good idea
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| (Some Guy) |
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Father spots his missing four-year-old daughter naked, yelling for him and banging on a window inside a neighbor's apartment; storms the home and rescues her
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Research shows kids improve reading by reading to dogs -- especially K-9
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| (Macon.com) |
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Sly Mr. Fox plucks Br'er Rabbit out of the briar patch lippity-clippity, causing a considerbul flutter
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| (wusa9.com) |
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Foreclosure controversy delays woman's funeral for weeks. This is bury bad
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Funny story actually, you're probably going to get a big kick out of this... there was a mix-up, and we accidentally cremated your kid, and buried yours"
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Man celebrates his 31st birthday by robbing two stores. Whatever happened to going to a strip club?
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Flight 93 memorial still $10M short on funds. $11M if architects choose to add a little legroom
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Facebook wants you to know that it's no big deal that they're posting all your phone numbers online and that, really, you're being sort of silly even thinking twice about it. Now run along and like something, you scamp
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A grieving father took a stand and a nation listened
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Six teenage girls claim to exorcise demons worldwide. Pazuzu can't wait to hurl them all down a flight of stairs
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| (Some Guy) |
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Scott County, TN Sheriff's Department enjoys a 600% increase in meth lab busts using new law enforcement technique: prayin' to Jesus
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"It doesn't appear anyone was shoved into a trunk"
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Virginia's serial butt slasher strikes again. Watch your asses, ladies
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In these frightening, troubling times in England, someone finally has the courage to ask: How have the riots affected Liam Gallagher?
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I realize this doesn't fit the current fear narrative, but the clean energy sector is booming and creating jobs. You may now resume panic-selling stocks and hoarding gold
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| (tri city herald) |
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Woman surprised to be on list of "murdered" Class of '71 grads. Promptly calls newspaper to have the story killed
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Waffle House gunman robs restaurant, scatters
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| (Gwinnett Daily Post) |
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Picture the dumbest kidnapper ever. Now compare your idea to the idiot in this article
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| (cnsnews.com) |
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Fat activists find Mrs. Obama's anti-obesity message hard to swallow, so they start throwing their weight around at a press conference to announce they're fed up
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Arrest of smirking 11-year-old rioter proves that girls are just as good at unravelling human civilization as boys
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Plane crash ends in two survivors, the pilot and the liver he was flying with
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World's largest ferris wheel will allow tourists to view Orlando from an altitude outside the range of most handguns
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The myth of Anwar al-Awlaki
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24-year-old Connecticut woman assaults a 12-year-old girl accused of eyeing her boyfriend. Bonus: During a family birthday party
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There are now 68 million reasons this guy is considered good-looking
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"Would all passengers please make sure urine the seats assigned to you at the gate"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Cat burglar takes cat nap, bet he's feline pretty dumb now
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| (Some Guy) |
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Fark's favorite Taiwanese animators weigh in on Drew's patent victory over the trolls
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Witness the power of this fully armed and operational Luxury Aircraft Carrier
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop theme: FedEx has a hidden arrow in its logo. Photoshop subliminal messages into other signage
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Not news: Woman wants rounder firmer breasts, gets implants. News: 83-year-old woman wants rounder firmer breasts, gets implants (w/ yes you would pic)
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Situation remains dicey as search for saucy tomato who went missing while on vacation with cheesy guy called off after all leads have been run into the ground and no beefy clues were found, according to Aruban Solicitor General Taco Stein
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Pay attention amateurs: this is how you troll an entire country
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British officials promise to look at all options for preventing future riots, including limiting Facebook and Twitter usage, increasing police presence, and getting advice from Boston. BOSTON? You're farked, guys
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If just the act of going to Walmart gets you aroused, it's really time to re-evaluate things, man
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| (Some Farker) |
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Study says Drudge Report drives more traffic than Facebook & Twitter combined. Bonus: Fark tops Comcast, Wikipedia, Digg, Real Clear Politics, and the BBC
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Dear Abby: I'm 16 and pregnant. The father of my baby is my stepbrother, and I'm starting to show. Should I tell my parents?
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| (bossip.com) |
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Mother gives her six-year-old a camera and tells her to videotape: A) a day at the zoo, B) a birthday party celebration, or C) her mother having group sex?
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PETA wants to emigrate to a Vegan colony on Mars. In related news, submitter's considering donating to PETA for the first time ever
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3 out of 5 Americans can't handle a $1000 emergency expense
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There are two kinds of people: those who find museum dioramas very creepy indeed, and those who find museum dioramas creepy, and yet somehow endearing. Well ... which are ya, punk?
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Photoshop theme: When keeping it real goes wrong
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49 newly-found color WWII-era photos: from a time when people didn't biatch about slideshows
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It looks like someone *puts on sunglasses* was a very bad buoy. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Why are the British using baseball bats instead of cricket bats in the U.K. riots?
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Doctors cure advanced leukemia with a single injection, causing as much as five pounds of cancerous tissue to disappear in a few weeks. Subby is at a complete loss for snark
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Psssssssst, don't tell anyone... but the secret peace talks between the US and the Taliban have collapsed over leaks
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| (Some Guy) |
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Just your average day in New Castle: A naked man exploded a watermelon outside of a pet store. Yawn
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Before and after images from the London rioting
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 327: "A Portal Through" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed August 10, 2011 |
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London rioters = 0, kitchen staff with rolling pins, frying pans, and other implements of destruction = 1... 2... 3... 4, ....,
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Teen found dead in school chimney, autopsy revealed no other flue symptoms
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Bear ends Monopoly game in record time
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this Silver Wheaton
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| (Not Starbucks, honest) |
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Guy who was giving away Starbucks coffee, then accused of conducting a viral campaign for Starbucks, was actually giving away Starbucks coffee. Starbucks
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Illegally emigrating flood water washes away 40 feet of the US / Mexico border wall
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This Saturday morning in New Orleans thousands of men will get up early, put on red dresses, grab a beer and run through the French Quarter for charity. "We're a drinking club with a running problem"
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What does a jailed polygamist prophet do to pass the time? Beat the bishop up to 15 times a day, apparently
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| (Some Guy) |
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An engineer at Duke has created a system that uses solar power to create hydrogen at 95% efficiency. Duke sucks (photons)
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You're not going to throw away that putrid hoagie left in the back of the fridge from your 2006 Super Bowl Party, are you? That's still edible
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Colorado police have arrested Bonnie, Clyde, and her other brother Clyde
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Five things you have wrong about Iowa
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FBI pays visit to the homes of three Long Island high school buddies to compliment them on their computer hacking skills
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Federal Reserve, Stevie Wonder see rough times ahead
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China: "We've got an aircraft carrier." Taiwan: "Way ahead of you"
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Man beaten with a stick and a rock after refusing to give his beer to an assailant. Police have not located his Fark handle yet
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What every law enforcement officer wants to hear: 'I can't put my hands up because I'm making a bowel movement'
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Proof that Jesus rides a jet ski, not a dinosaur
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Welfare recipients are a lot like _________" (don't say raccoon, don't say raccoons, don't say...AAHHH dammit.)
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You may be a redneck if your uncle killed your father and then married your mother
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| (Some Guy) |
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In court today: Man suing Feds after being detained for stripping in airport to display 4th amendment written on his chest (with pic)
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| (Some Mediums) |
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Photoshop this sectional search
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| (Some Guy) |
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And the most read story in Grand Forks, ND is: Mysterious roadkill spawns all kinds of theories
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Well, that's interesting... it looks as if the farm subsidies and medicaid money was only the tip of Michelle Bachmann's government teat. Wait. Ewwww
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Best Korea test fires new Super A Number 1 artillery shells towards Worst Korea. Best Korea wins war again, leaving score at 18,472 to 0
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Study finds 92 percent of people online use email and search. Soooo, WTF are the other 8 percent doing?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Smokey the Bear fired for making comment about gray haired senator's gray hair. Only YOU can prevent overly sensitive douchebags
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"Due to the imminent collapse of society, we regret to announce we are closing at 6pm tonight"
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Part of what we get out of it is the amusement of seeing people who don't know Texas trying to explain Texas to the rest of the world." Indeed
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The Great Gatsby: What it says to modern America's decline - written by a news organization in a country that has been literally set on fire by rioters
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Old and broken: Lunch at trendy Beverly Hills bistros. New hottness: Picnics in Walmart bathrooms
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| (Some Caffeine Addict) |
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Fark called it; Jonathan's card is just one big ol' viral marketing campaign
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Patent-infringement lawsuit against Fark settled for zero dollars. Also, patent trolls suck hairy donkey balls
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"Spiderman is still white," writes angry reader who doesn't realize SPIDERMAN DOESN'T REALLY EXIST
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When they're not in the yard they're breaking your heart - It's Miss Penitentiary 2011
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If she accepted after this, they deserve each other
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Rioters in London are just expressing their frustration by...among other things...attacking a children's hospital preventing mourning parents from spending their child's last hours together
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Mother of the year candidate tells her 12-year-old son to throw a brick at his 11-year-old brother. Stitches and jailarity ensue
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US strike bombs Taliban insurgents who shot down US chopper on August 6 back to the stone age. It was a short trip
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you are an anatomy professor and you put an exam question on a rubber penis, then put the penis inside a cadaver, you can expect the occasional lawsuit
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| (WBALTV) |
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This white chick who went missing in Aruba has pictures of herself partying. TO THE NANCYGRACEMOBILE
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| (eastern iowa life) |
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Iowa State Fair opens Thursday with chance to see the world's heaviest man and the most heavily tattooed woman. Although not on exhibit, you'll probably see them walking around the fairgrounds
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| (WSB TV) |
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A Fark DUI link isn't complete without the suspect doing something strange - like drunkenly driving a lawnmower towing a trailer down the road
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Playboy playmate arrested with handgun in her luggage. After several additional pat downs, TSA hands her over to the police
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Markets set to slide again, or maybe rebound, or maybe see-saw through the day. Honestly, who the fark knows?
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| (The Daily Mash) |
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Meanwhile, in Manchester, debate continues over whether the city had experienced serious social unrest or a Tuesday
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| (Blanket World) |
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Photoshop this blanket bonanza
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Not news: Having your friends back for dinner. News: Having your friend's back for dinner
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Mother of the Week charged with hosting a United Nations drinking party
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What do you do when a glacier collapses in front of you? Scream "holy crap" of course
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Today's fearmongering comes to us courtesy of The Atlantic, who asks "IS AMERICA THE NEXT COUNTRY TO RIOT AFTER BRITAIN?"
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Porsche driver throws money out window, before getting on the highway going the wrong direction, killing two people in a head-on collision. Ta-dumbass
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| (Some Sub Zero) |
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There has got to be an easier way to get rid of unwanted tenants than unleashing dozens of scorpions into your apartment complex
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Woman serving 44-year prison sentence thanks to known forensics asshat who claimed he could "enhance" security cam video beyond well its resolution
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| Tue August 09, 2011 |
| (Some Selection) |
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Photoshop this consumer's consultation
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| (Franklin NOW) |
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Smokey and the Bandit. Or was it BJ and the Bear? Look, the guy had a monkey with him
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Adult kickball leagues finally filtering their way down into New Jersey as excuse for young professionals to go out drinking together, relive childhoods
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| (Hangin' Out At The Donut Shop) |
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Cops in Renton, WA want to find the person making fun of them in cyberspace. Judge: uh, yeah.....about that First Amendment thing
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| (Some Guy) |
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Some of the best photos of the UK riots you'll see today. Brass balls award goes to dude in #18 (not a slide show)
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Attn. Law Enforcement: You can't charge someone with DUI when the vehicle in question is inoperable
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Funked up at a George Clinton concert, quadriplegic skydivers, and one perfect Dr. Seuss headline: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week from 7/31 - 8/6
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| (Record Searchlight) |
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Man busted for burglarizing a home looks like he should've taken some coffee and a couple bottles of visine as well
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With the world seemingly going to shiat, it's kinda comforting to know that a random guy is giving out his Starbucks card barcode online so people can get free coffee. We'll all be poor, but at least we'll be caffeinated
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Syria bans Blackberry communications to get riots under control. Or was that England? It's hard to tell these days
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Hey, at least our credit rating is just as good as the country that owns us
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Hulk Hogan speaks out on the London Riots, blames them on supporters of the Iron Sheik
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Woman gets in fight with boyfriend, storms off, falls down cliff, spends three days in wilderness eating bugs hoping he'll come back to her
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"They always say Navy SEALs. They never say my dad"
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If you're a copper thief looking to steal some power lines, at least have the decency not to cut live w
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Those guys at NPR are smoking the good stuff again
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this thinker
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US grounds its entire stealth fighter fleet, but isn't sure they found them all
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| (Houston Press) |
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Whole Foods kowtows to right-wing nuts, sends internal email telling stores not to promote Ramadan this year
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| (Some Guy) |
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Home repairman steals diamond ring by swallowing it. Police take him to hospital for x-rays and recover it. Story does not go deeper, so no one knows what happens when the diamond hits the anus
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Thrill-seeking Florida stripper is on the 'rack to ruin' with her AK-47-toting siblings on a multi-state crime spree. (w/pics)
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| (Ksat) |
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Man falls 5 stories from his window, gets impaled by an iron fence and survives. Residents said to be confused by loud obscenities rumbling from the clouds minutes later
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Tribe of Amazonian Spidermen fall victim to drug traffickers (with WTF? pic)
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Protip : If you're planning to take a long cab ride and then run off out without paying, don't have the cab stop directly in front of your home
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| (Some Guy) |
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No warrant, no problem: Come on in and I'll show you where I hid the stuff I stole
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Slate attempts to answer humanity's ultimate question: Is it gay if you can blow yourself?
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| (Some Bernanke) |
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The Federal Reserve has decided that the US Dollar isn't worthless enough and will hold rates near 0% for the next 2 years
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Celebrities are using social media to fight the famine in Africa, so everything is going to be fine
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Wisconsin recall election thread - come for the derp, stay for the popcorn and beer paid for by out of state donors
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| (Some Guy) |
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For 13 minutes, Apple was the most valuable company in the world
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Airplane buzzes S&P's office in New York, flying a banner that read "THANKS FOR THE DOWNGRADE. YOU SHOULD ALL BE FIRED"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Alleged Marilyn Monroe sex film gets no buyers because really, nobody wants to know what Marilyn looks like now. She's way past her prime
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DNA test rules out latest D.B. Cooper suspect. Adam West seen buying ticket for Venezuela, eating salt taffy
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Iowa City declares war on its super heroes, arrests "Captain Save-A-Ho," protector of women
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| (Independent.ie) |
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Jamie Oliver first tweet "time to get our country back. we need to come down hard on these idiots." Few hours later, Jamie Oliver second tweet "Sadly my restaurant in Birmingham got smashed up"
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"Artwork" stolen from "festival"
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Smokers found in the deep ocean, about the only place you can light up anymore without being harassed or ticketed
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| (Some Guy) |
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♫ Ding-Dong♫ ::::run away::::: ♫ Ding-Dong♫ :::::run away::::: ♫ Ding- *BANG*
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Convicted crank caller tells TSG that he's sorry he tricked a Kentucky hotel clerk into drinking a guest's urine. With prank call badness
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Study finds that if your woman has strong friendships with other guys, you may develop a disorder called "I can't get it up because their weenies threaten my weenie"
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| (Texas Tribune) |
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Apparently, you can negotiate fasting with God to include a hot dog four hours after beginning
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Warren Jeffs sentenced to the kind of polygamy that involves cell block exchanges for cigarette packs
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It's been declared (by some) that it's finally time for Ernie and Bert to get married
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Asthmatic 61 year old discovers she can NOT swim 103 miles in the ocean. Huh
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Welfare recipients to no longer receive marijuana, hot tubs and massages
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London woman becomes internet sensation after standing up to rioters
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From Glamour Shots to mug shots: Former beauty queen arrested for shoplifting
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Despite its popularity, vodka is "the chicken breast of cocktails. It is the most boring, least thoughtful, sort of one that you can mix with"
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Some evangelical Christians are admitting that maybe, just maybe, the story of Adam and Eve shouldn't be taken literally
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Playboy bunny cancels expedition to find Noah's Ark, plans to focus next on North Pole expedition to find Santa Claus
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You too can help identify the London rioters. Pretty sure that I saw Drew wheeling a keg of Heineken over London Bridge
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If you thought Newsweek's Michele Bachmann cover was scary, wait'll you see the shots they didn't use
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| (Gainesville Sun) |
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Having leftover fireworks from July 4th in Florida means somebody's going to lose some fingers using them as an alarm clock
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Buddhists buy lobsters, return them to sea in prayer ceremony. Lobstermen lay traps at ceremony site, recapture all them, and resell them to the store
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| (Some Fiesty Alligator) |
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Best pic you will see all day of kids in their jammies watching a fiesty alligator get wrangled on their front doorstep
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Drunk, uninsured, and tearing down the wrong side of the highway is no way to go through life, son...er, daughter
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| (Some Guy) |
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Gross foods that are actually good for you include Blood Sausage, Durian, Calve's Liver, and Corn Smut. Mmmmm....Corn Smut
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Charges against youth pastor who covered teen girls with honey and filmed them in shower in 2007, to be voided because three-year statute of limitations. Idiocy of Texas state law drones on
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The 5 most annoying airline passengers. Only 5?
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| (Some Guy) |
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UK police blame London riots on Grand Theft Auto and lack of a Pac Man alternative
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And the world markets cried out, "Save us," and Obama whispered, "No"
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Since raising taxes to fix the economy is out of the question, ABC News suggests you eat out of a dumpster instead. Seriously
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Photoshop this sitting for a slide
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It's census night in Australia, where Jedi knights, devotees of Moroccan chicken and centenarian car drivers are on the rampage
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In a wonderful display of British priorities, the Royal Wedding had 3,300 more cops on the streets than the riots
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PRO TIP: If you're a registered sex offender dressed as Cookie Monster handing flyers out to children at the local fair, striking up a conversation with the police is probably a bad idea
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OOPS, I forgot to divorce my first wife
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Woman gets upset because the Irish guy she'd gone out with a couple of times said "butt" in a text message and it offended her. Yeah. She's a keeper
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Louisiana inmate on suicide watch commits suicide while apparently not being watched. Fark: To kill himself, inmate "Surreptitiously swallowed toilet tissue"
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All we are is dust in the wind
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| (CBS New York) |
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Not News: Three police officers become stranded in a crazy hail storm. News: A nice school bus driver spots the cops and allows them to take cover inside the bus. Fark: Bus driver gets fired for "picking up 3 unauthorized passengers"
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