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| Sun July 03, 2011 |
| (Some Undercover Cop) |
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"Okay class, I am now signed on as a 14-year-old girl to *DING* 'hi asl' attempt to *DING* 'hey gurl sup' find a sexual *DING* DING* predator *DING*
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Old and busted: legalizing pot for tax revenue. New hot trend: legalizing big consumer fireworks so tax revenues will----wait for it---^*^BOOM^*^ skyrocket
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Lawsuit says the term, "Inmate, implies that our brother is locked up for the purpose of mating with other men"
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Woman in China catches toddler who falls 10 stories, displaying super hunan determination
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Inmate is suing jail because a) He's not allowed to speak with his attorney; b) Guards beat him; c) He's not allowed to have porn in his jail cell
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Not news: Two Olympic swimmers dating. News: Older chick, underage guy. Fark: Causes guy to get a divorce. Ultrafark: He divorced his parents
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25 years ago a group of knuckleheads secretly erected a 450-pound replica of the Statue of Liberty on an old railroad pier in the middle of the Susquehanna River. It's still standing there today
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"There's a few bits and bobs left over, but its always the same when you do a bit of do-it-yourself, isn't it?"
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| (O no she di'n't) |
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Kid to police: "My mom is tired of her boyfriend, she's only with him because he drives a nice car. She's gonna kill him and put lemons in a sock and hit herself with them"
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Cool: airshow with old military planes. Very cool: airshow with old military bombers. Excellent: airshow with old four-engine jet bomber that looks like it flew out of a '50s comic book
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Photoshop this seagull stepping out
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| (Some Guy) |
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Before I die I want to _____
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Man saddles up for his final ride on the Pony Express. This is not a repeat from 1861
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Go ahead‼ Use those exclamation points‼ Anywhere except Fark headlines‼‼‼‼
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Recent Wikileaks revelations: G-strings at poodle parties in Thailand, blatant vote-buying in India, armed drones in Pakistan, and electoral corruption in Peru. No news on who killed Dumbledore, though
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Noted economist Lindsay Lohan recommends buying gold to protect yourself from imminent hyperinflation
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People love red light cameras, says Institute of Red Light Cameras
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| (IW Radio) |
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This week's ambiguous phrase for British headline writers: "false landing." Look, did it land, or not?
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Candy trade show in Chicago unveils second-greatest idea in human history: Chocolate Covered Peeps
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The Vietnam Era officially ends as the last draftee decides to retire. Let's give a big "Hoo-ah" to Command Sgt. Maj. Jeff Mellinger
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A government stimulus program we can all approve of: high speed delivery of porn to rural America. USA USA USA
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LDS advertising campaign elicits 'significant increase' in dyslexic website visitors
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For your Sunday entertainment: The 100 Best Cheerleader Pics Ever. Sure, it's a slideshow, but really, it's just 100 mouseclicks. You can do that with one hand
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TEENAGE GIRL MAY NEED CORNEA TRANSPLANT AFTER HER EYES TASTED THE RAINBOW
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Strauss-Kahn case adds to doubts about: a) overprivileged European moneylenders, b) swanky hotel prostitutes, or c) overzealous publicity-seeking district attorneys?
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Photoshop this shirtless seated senior
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| (Some Guy) |
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One person killed in motorcycle crash. While participating in a helmet protest ride
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| (Some Guy) |
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Professor says if you want a juicy burger or an expensive ring or your friend to hold your beer while you ride a rocket-powered moped, you can blame it on Darwin
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| (WKRN) |
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New Tennessee law increases fine for displaying Obama/Biden bumper stickers
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Still beats the Travelodge
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Federal "Secure Communities" program aims to deport (a) terrorists, (b) violent criminals, (c) girls who get speeding tickets
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The right wines for Slim Jims, doughnuts and Spaghetti-Os. The more you know
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Headline: "Doctors warn about backyard surgeries." Who needs to be warned about this?
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Not Suprising: Flynt brought up on charges of sexual harassment and groping a employee at Hustler Entertainment. Fark: It's not Larry, it's his daughter
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Gay soldier dies in combat: Fairy dust all over the damn place
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MTV's original VJ's today. It's still not too late for us, Martha
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ExxonMobil loves America just so damn much they decided to hug the Yellowstone River with their oil-soaked arms
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| (msn.com) |
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Not news: India releases prisoner convicted of murder 24 years ago. News: Prisoner is 108 and had to be carried out
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"Woman steals TV by having Craigslist buyer come to victim's house, pull it off wall"
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Photoshop this escape from the summer heat
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A quarter of the house fires in London are started when young adults come home drunk from the pubs and try to cook
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Handmade Italian accordions still coveted by aficionados, Weird Al Yankovic
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The LA Times reports having a green tongue means you're a chronic chronic user. Oh, and you kill people while driving too
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Researchers claim men have an advantage pinpointing where a sound originates -- which is completely untrue unless they can demonstrate that women's voices emanate from their chests
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| Sat July 02, 2011 |
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Al Qaeda hit by credit crunch: Bin Laden emails reveal terror group is running out of cash, Axe beard gel
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Italian company fires all but 3 of the women working there "so they can stay at home and look after the children. In any case, what they bring in is a second income". Oddly, some people have a problem with that
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It looks like Obama blew a seal
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| (Some yellow-fever Guy) |
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Old and busted: bikini barbers, topless doughnut shops and Hooters. New hotness about to be busted: Vietnamese negligee cafes
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"I believe this will help usher women into the final stage of gender equality." Having a female president of the U.S.? No, having a separate "female only" hot dog eating competition
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Owner of the "Butterfly" botnet broke rule #1 for criminal masterminds: When doing something illegal DON'T keep detailed records, especially not ones with the names and addresses of all your clients
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Experts say children account for 40 percent of all fireworks injuries, suggest parents remember that kids blow up so fast these days
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The official Canada Day photos thread
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Study asks Americans their number one regret: Coming in a close second after "clicking on this thread" was ..... "problems in romance"
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Pennsylvania relaxes the laws governing bars' happy hour. In other news, why is government regulating happy hour in the first place?
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Were you all psyched to attend the Seongnam Dog Meat Festival this week? I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you
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| (Some Connection) |
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Photoshop this lab lady
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Germany ends their draft. You know who else ended their draft?... no, no, wait, that actually doesn't work at all
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| (Las Vegas Sun) |
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In Las Vegas, some guy files suit against nonprofit pinball club for "depriving him of reliving his good childhood memories." Uses legal paperwork stamped with "I love cats." And then it gets weird
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Autistic teen missing. His last known location was 41.733683, -87.555472
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Michigan's liquor regulators decide to stop being such raging biatches and allow Flying Dog Brewery to sell its Raging biatch IPA in the state. Fark's filters, however, stand firm on their ban
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It's difficult business being a fourth generation beer baron, common folk just don't understand rich guy problems
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Hurricane Arlene makes landfall in Mexico. Arlene? Are the people who name storms now using the Big Book of Baby Names from 1954?
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Shhhh. We've replaced Fark's daily teacher hate thread with an anti-student screed from the Onion. Let's see if they notice
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"The clerk said she saw the man exit the store's office about 15 minutes later with his pants on the floor and his penis inside a plastic money deposit bag"
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| (Some Guy) |
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World's longest underwater crystal cave in deep Russian waters revealed. Fantastic pictures will remind some of your Mom
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"A tumor that could provide the key to making Zombies." Thanks Science, zombie cancer is just what we needed
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71 year old man charged with a murder dating from 1957. What broke the case? An unused, unstamped train ticket found last year
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Vegetarian reporter tries to troll holiday weekend by writing about how deadly grilled meats are. At least it will be a delicious, satisfying death instead of a miserable, emaciated tofu death
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Stop and smell the roses. Summer wine season is here
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Had a bunch of stuff stolen in St. Louis? the police don't have time for you and are now recommending vigilante justice
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Prosecutors drop case against 28-year-old county commissioner for beating the crap out of his 70-year-old roommate because it was the drugs and alcohol that made him do it. Guess the state
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The 4th of July - the way we all think we remember it
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Dear plane, do u like me? [✓] Yes [ ] No
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Pat Boone would like you to know about fusion
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What's wrong with saying 'Bomb' on an airplane? Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. You gonna arrest me? Bomb bomb bomb bomb. During the war I was a BOMBadier
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Some punk kid calls you a farking n00b on XBox Live, do you: a) Mute him, b) Change servers, or c) Get his address and alert the police that he has been stabbed and his family is being held hostage
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Step 1: Get blocked by Visa/Mastercard. Step 2: Accrue $15,000,000 in fictitious potential lost donations over six months. Step 3: Sue them for that amount
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Eight secrets of Disneyland. Secret #3 is the one farkers will care the most about
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Six bizarre ice creams. Even stranger, only two of them are Japanese
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| (Some Rotund Guy) |
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Photoshop this state fair smorgasbord
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More evidence of America's growing rage: Man pulls a gun on another guy for standing slightly off-center of the customer service line
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Smug Prius drivers forced to drive in same lanes with the lower class
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Squirrels win £300,000 from lottery
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Yemeni militants blow up empty oil pipeline in an obvious dry run
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| (Some Stuck Kitteh) |
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How do firemen rescue kittens trapped in pipes? Here are two ways - the "awww" way and the LOL way
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Good news, everyone. Now you can spray a drink right into your mouth, so you don't have to tilt your head to drink
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Saddam Hussein's torture doctor has been working in British hospitals for over seven years. British citizens see no difference
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Add "helping kids put on sunscreen" to the list of things that might mean you're a sexual predator
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The biggest crisis today is - 1. civil unrest 2. terrorism 3. bankrupt economies 4. Bacon
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this palomena prasina
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Thieves steal copper from air conditioners at animal shelter on 90 degree day. That's cold
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Colorado wildlife officials on lookout for two or more people who thought it was fun to hand-feed Burger King cheeseburgers to wild bears
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Research shows women with size five feet are the most attractive to men -- though not the sole feature they're looking for
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Every day, Portland lawyer Randal Acker lives the big sight gag from the Disney movie "Up," where a construction crew sweeps a block clean of its cute old houses, but for one
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| Fri July 01, 2011 |
| (So much for virgin wool) |
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Parolee busted for breaking into a livestock yard. Which normally wouldn't be a big deal, but he's on parole for the crime of banging a sheep. Ewwwwwwwe
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In what is bound to have no negative repercussions whatsoever, Ohio's Governor signs a law making it legal to carry guns inside bars or other alcohol serving establishments
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Photoshop this rare Billy the Kid photograph that just sold for $2.3 million
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Newt Gingrich really, really likes Tiffany, which is why I think he's alone now
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| (Some Guy) |
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Your vagina looks hungry
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One in four Americans don't know that July 4th is the day we celebrate the anniversary of our independence from France
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| (Some Guy) |
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Good idea: Defending your three-year-old child with a weapon. Bad idea: Using your three-year-old child as the weapon
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Tfer had his lunch ruined. There is DIT
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Indiana bans texting while driving, but still allows web surfing. Because you're reading this on Fark, you just missed your exit
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Sea turtle had almost as much plastic in him as Heidi Montag
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The 51st state in the union: South California?
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Miss Texas contestants will wear custom-made swimsuits by Ren-Faire clothing designer. Winner assumed to be whoever gets the chainmail bikini
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Church employee injured when roof collapses on her. Fortunately she didn't parish
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Christian neighbor's home-schooled snowflakes caught peeping at the teen girls next door. So naturally, it's the girls' fault
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| (Some Guy) |
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Ohio remembers to tell people not to have sex with animals
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Scientists say airplanes are altering the weather when they fly through clouds. And don't get me started on the chemtrails
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One perk of the recession: Longer hours at the state-run liquor store
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Photoshop this green globe's gait
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It's Friday, are you ready for your weekly Fark Weird News Quiz? No? Sucks to be you, then
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"Milwaukee police suspect Otis Lockett of illegally having a gun, so they got a warrant to photograph his penis"
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Fireworks are dangerous and should be banned. Just ask this guy who lit some in a moving car and got burns all over his body
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In honour of Canada Day, I give you William Shatner singing "O Canada"
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| (Rapid City Journal) |
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13-year-old boy drives car without a license. Fark: While calling 911, to save the life of his 18-year-old friend who was bitten by a rattlesnake
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| (Some Guy) |
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Six Flags has abandoned its New Orleans theme park, which now resembles an outtake from Life After People (with amazing new pics)
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| (Some Guy) |
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My God...It's full of booze
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Congressman John Conyers (D-umbfounded) confused and frightened by increasing Congressional opinion to actually, GASP, cut the US budget
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Hairy primate on the loose in New Jersey. There are also reports of a baboon running wild
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As we approach the 4th of July Weekend, James Lileks reminds us what it's really all about: Blowing things up with firecrackers
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12% of Australian greenhouse gas comes from farts and burps - and that's just the cows
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| (kdvr.com) |
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Woman achieves dream of completing Colorado triathalon starting with the 20-drink bar crawl, the 50-mile drunken drive, and finally the half-mile swim away from the scene of a fatal crash
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The Queen opens the new term of the Scottish Parliament at Holyrood, still loves Spielberg's "1941," no matter what the critics say
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♫ I punched the sheriff - in the face on national TV ♫ (w/ video)
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Welcome to Libertarian summer camp, where nobody needs a permit, food safety requires a handgun, and cash registers flow over with bits of gold and silver
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It's class warfare when Obama wants to tax corporate jets. But it's not class warfare when Republicans want to cut Medicare, unemployment and union rights. Everybody got that?
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If you want to show everyone at the 4th of July BBQ how hardcore of an American you are, bring a patriotic summer fruit pizza
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| (No, really) |
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Police solve copper theft by matching rope at the scene with the one holding up the suspect's pants
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Mother-in-law from hell, part two: "she has her head stuck so far up her own a*** she doesn't know whether to speak or fart"
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Somebody has invented a hammock that can be used in living rooms, on rooftops, in grassy meadows, or lounging poolside, comes with drink holders, and has space for an herb garden inside its base
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Japan's government 'played down nuclear fears' over the Fukushima crisis. What were they going to do, inflame them?
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University of Utah mathematician earns a $93K Italian award for not sucking at math. He would have earned an American prize except...you know...nobody the hell understands
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man and his girlfriend survive after driving truck off road into a pond, until Darwin reminds the man that he forgot that awesome mix CD he spent hours making
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Good Catholic kid's faith shattered by discovery of porn sites visited by father. Either that or it's the most cunning cover your arse story I've ever seen
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| (AFRICOM) |
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Air Force and Navy jets are flying hundreds of "kinetic military action" strikes over Libya every day. But let me be clear about this...this is not war. And those are not aggressive actions
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Hey marijuana activists...(sigh) stop giggling and look at the Twinkie, see the Twinkie? Good, now focus ... foooocus, question for you: How's that Hope and Change thing working out for you?
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The rape case against Dominique Strauss-Kahn is about to break down, not because he didn't rape a chambermaid but because his defenders have successfully managed to destroy her reputation. Yay, justice
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Moammar Gadhafi's only daughter defends her father, calls him a "symbol." Sort of like Palin's surveyor marks, I suppose
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Burger King to start selling alcohol. New campaign: "Sure our food tastes like crap, we're not gonna lie. Why don't you get hammered to forget that your sad life has come to eating in a Burger King?"
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Nashville Metro Council candidate's platform: No property taxes, legalize lap dances. Subby didn't know there was a Fark political party
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During the recession, "corporate profits captured 88% of the growth in real national income while aggregate wages and salaries accounted for only slightly more than 1%"
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The lawyer, the stylist, the candlemaker. Who is each, oh Friday Photo Match Game quiz taker?
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Since I've been on such a bad streak lately, I bet you a year of TotalFark that this goes green
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Several dozen new laws go into effect today in Iowa, including one that will make it easier to buy hard liquor
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$1
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Woman caught stealing bananas from WalMart. After collecting evidence, lawyer plans to file a peal
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Bloggers doubt the future of Google+
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Happy birthday you commie bastards
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If the other five-year-olds on the playground had been armed, too, this might not have been a problem
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American beer market hasn't gotten its fizz back...or taste
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Rising Sun now 15% dimmer
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Stop me if you've heard this one before: So, the government of Minnesota shuts down over a partisan divide
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Dancer asked why public money should be given to the arts. The response: a) cultural enlightenment b) self expression c) Afganistan d) I forget but it ends with "Your Mom's a Whore"
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"And thus, all teens are vile and evil", says Fox News
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Ric Romero reports: Does porn cause men to make bad decisions?
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Number of people who don't care if you see them with fat chicks up by 50%
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| (Bay of Plenty Times) |
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Not news: House bought from estate of New Zealand man. News: He never lived in it. Fark: For 50 years. Uberfark: All the original 1959 furnishings are still there, right down to the Belafonte albums
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this park proposal
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Maybe Anthony Weiner was just trying to quit smoking
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Gas station refuses to post its exorbitant prices, but a performance artist will (with artistic video)
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Man drowns in kiddie pool, if only there were some safer place to swim
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Pair of accused killers in California prison exchange wedding vows. They promise to love, cherish, & obey each other 'til death sentence do they part
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Drunk Brooklyn man drives golf cart on state highway unlicensed and promptly gets arrested. Wait, you need a license to drive a golf cart?
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I didn't rape her officer, I thought she was dead. Wait, WHAT????
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Tumor undergoes surgery to have a Chavez removed from around it
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| (Some Plate) |
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Man ordered to remove 'BO11 LUX' license plate. What a load of... something
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this tooting trio
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This looks shopped, I can tell by some of the pixels and from seeing it
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| Thu June 30, 2011 |
| (KSDK.com) |
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Don't you hate it when you're only wearing a raincoat while burglarizing a garage with some woman, and you both decide to have sex then she pepper-sprays your face and steals your car and drives it into a pond?
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Florida shooting ranges are becoming a prototype for suicide booths. Oh cool, a quarter. So long, jerkwads
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| (Houston Press) |
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Stop pronouncing it "sal-mon." What is wrong with you? 20 commonly mispronounced food words
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Secretary of Treasury Tim Geithner: "Screw you guys, I'm going home"
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Judge sides with polar bears. As if anyone in their right mind would side against a polar bear
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| (Lohud.com) |
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Four guys rob Five Guys; turns out three of the four guys worked at Five Guys and now each need one guy to convince twelve other guys not to lock them up with 500 other guys
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| (Some Guy) |
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17-year-old boy disrespects the police by being mentally handicapped and having a speech impediment. So 20 cops bust out the tasers and pepper spray and beat some respect into the kid
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| (Some Guy) |
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Prosecutor fingered in Casey Anthony trial
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Why your Fourth of July Potato Salad is killing the planet and other tips for a greener Fourth of July (potato trifecta now in play)
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Today's prostitution round-up is highlighted by ironic chest tattoo
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Climbing coach arrested for climbing onto 14-year-old team member
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Firefighter injured battling house fire started by two kids playing with cliches
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| (post-gazette.com) |
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HA HA, QUAKER VALLEY BUDGET PASSES WITH SLIGHT TAX HIKE
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The tax on people who are bad at math set to increase from $1 to $2. That's, like, almost double, man
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| (WYFF) |
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"But when I woke up, I was all bloody and burned and confused and had my little chickens lying with their feet up"
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The best picture of Devil's Tower and the night sky not made from mashed potatoes you will see...ever. Suck it Spielberg
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Photoshop this occupied ovum
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| (Pat's Papers) |
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Kim Kardashian: local traffic reporter
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| (Some Guy) |
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Obvious Tag Headline of the day: "Rats rampant at state capitol"
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"We held on too long to these low-wage, low-skill industries, and we didn't make the strategic long-term investments in education" Gee, ya think?
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| (Some Guy) |
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You can add two health inspection visits, to the lifeguards and swimmers, who didn't notice the dead body in the pool
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After restaurant employees notice that the air smells more "dead woman trapped in air duct-ish" than usual, they alert authorities
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That nasty smell in downtown DC wasn't coming from the US Capitol after all
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Couple (ugly) shocked to discover (jealous) other couple they (lonely) met are swingers . With kids (turn off the lights dear) and everything. How is this possible?
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French woman has no problem with her husband sharing the bed with 13-year-old girl...who happens to be a gorilla
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The coolest pictures of an unspeakable evil about to be unleashed you'll see all day
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Ohio man fails to nail successful landing from 19th floor Daytona Beach balcony. "Alcohol is believed to be a factor"
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Seven of the weirdest sports out there (WTF is shin-kicking?)
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| (wtsp.com) |
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Old and busted: Gator attacks. New hotness: Rabid fox attacks. With gratuitous pic of random fox
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Okay, everything is ready, who got the Afghan mountain special? You sir, thanks - and the other Afghan mountain special? Ah, yes, you sir, thank you. And for you sir? Of course, the Afghan mountain special
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| (Some Guy) |
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Stupid ass orangutan demands that everyone be his friend
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Here's the 22 Rules of Backyard Wiffle. As always, you'll have to find your own rule 34
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| (Some Guy) |
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Step 1 - California taxes internet sales. Step - 2 Amazon leaves California. Step - 3 Uh....good luck California. They are behind 7 proxies
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13 bizarre phobias that people really have, I'm afraid
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Summer officially arrives as the first roof top pool divers take up final positions at the morgue
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Man who "found" $17,000 near an ATM last week now has a net loss of $500 for his efforts
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Actual headline: 'N.J. has second-best beach water quality in nation.' Fark: It's not from The Onion
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UK...the new Greece. Now complete with striking unions. Teachers unions...so maybe its the new Wisconsin
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Scientists accused of covering up adverse side effects of bone-growth drug think that "only a small number" of people have been killed by it, but since they haven't really looked into it, they're not really sure
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Man testifies before Labour Relations Board that his dastardly coworkers "took the view that they were entitled to wear deodorant"
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One reason he never won is because he always had a 3 toke lead
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The reason the Feds dropped some of the charges against Whitey Bulger? They don't want to end up in front of the judge who exposed the FBI's corrupt links to Bulger in the 1990's
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| (Some Guy) |
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It leaves enough bacon for the family or it gets the hose again
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Mifh tnyth arf uf hmre. What? I said "my teeth are up here"
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| (wtsp.com) |
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Old and busted: Dogs vs. cats. New hotness: Dogs vs. armadillos. With video
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While listening to testimony from the victim at your rape trial, do you C) masturbate in front of your translator?
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Gaza flotilla sabotaged by three dudes in porn 'staches and kickin' bass line
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Not News: real estate expert brought in to assess financial damage to war-torn city. Fark: the city is Chicago after the Transformers attacked it
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Obama orders airstrikes in Somalia. This is war #6, if anyone at the Nobel Peace Prize committee is keeping count
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In N Out has the best burgers, McDonalds has the worst. At least, according to science
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When an email brands you as "The mother-in-law from hell", don't be surprised when you end up on Fark
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Worried about our ballooning nation debt? Here's a quick and easy way to cut spending by $4 trillion: Build a time machine and go back and stop President Bush from starting the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan
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There's the adventure holiday, and then there's the "running for your life through the jungle, pulling arrows from your torso, while evading angry tribesman who want to marry your girlfriend" holiday
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Man photographed kissing one of his king cobras dies quietly in his sleep. Just kidding
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| (wtsp.com) |
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Today's random stalker accused of stuffing a family's mailbox full of meat brought to you by Brooksville
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How do you solve a problem like urea?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Homing pigeon from Maryland flies hundreds of miles off course after getting caught in a storm and is being cared for in Ohio, where a woman found it in her yard. NBC immediately tries to develop it into a sitcom
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The devastating flooding going on all over the midwest? It's just a preview of what's going to happen when the western mountain snow pack starts melting later this month
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Even though their men were wiped out and they didn't manage to harm a single guest, Taliban commanders consider the attack on a Kabul hotel a success for much the same reason as the NVA considered the Tet Offensive a success
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Good news Farkers. Anthony Weiner's hot wife is splitting up with him. Now is the time to impress with an impromptu text or email
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"Indestructible" botnet discovered. No word on if it will turn into a giant snake while bragging
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Nigerian man using fake ID and expired boarding passes flies across country undetected. TSA takes a break from feeling up your grandmother long enough to say "Oops. Our bad"
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The radio makes you happy, TV and internet piss you off, says the Radio Advertising Bureau
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If you catch a home run ball in the stands and decide to throw it back, try not to bean the player who just hit it (w/video)
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| (Some Floridian) |
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Protip: If you are Florida's governor, and you are trying to grow your approval ratings, phone spamming your constituency with robocalls talking about how great you are isn't the best way to go about it
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Apparently this garage is the Iowa Central Bank, and has been robbed of 100,000 pennies. And the gasoline needed for the getaway
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Photoshop theme: Behind the scenes at Fark.com
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| (digital journal) |
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WalMart tells extreme couponing woman that she's clipped from their stores, for life
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Woman exercising on trampoline discovers she's pregnant minutes before giving birth. Doctors deliver bouncing baby boy
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Clothing shortage forces prison inmates to wear dirty underwear. Attorneys file briefs on their behalf
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| (Japan Probe) |
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Japan's nuclear safety spokesman has lost containment
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Rare white buffalo born in Texas. Might be the first one seen in 200 years, since the last bisontennial
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My Maserati does 185. I hit your airplane, now it can't fly
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Octomom hates her babbies
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| (Some Guy) |
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Okay, Beatles fans: "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" is not lifestlye advice
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Want to get treated quickly in the hospital room? Just pick up a knife and threaten to cut out your own tumor
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| (Some Guy who skipped the meds) |
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Sometimes stress makes us say things we regret. Then there's this guy
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There is no poop fairy
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Photoshop theme: Unlikely B&B locations
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 321: "umop 3p!sdn". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed June 29, 2011 |
| (WQAD) |
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With her home burning around her, mother safely tosses her children from a second-story window to waiting relatives below. The Bears immediately sign her as a quarterback
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| (kfbk) |
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Cell phone + electrical outlet = jail. Wait, what?
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Forensic experts conclude key DNA evidence in Amanda Knox trial was of similar quality compared to U.S. samples used to put black men on death row
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| (Some Guy) |
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How to cook your 4th of July goat. It is not that baaaaaaaad
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Things Canadians look for when trying to decide if someone is American...besides the gun, body by Wal-Mart and unearned air of righteous self-importance which are just dead giveaways
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Proposed legislation leaves houseboat dwellers without a port to call home
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What's wrong Lassie? Timmy stuck in the well? Too much contamination at the beach? Ruff
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| (Grist) |
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Is your shampoo making you fat?
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| (WISN 12) |
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Not going anywhere for a while? Grab a Snickers and put it inside a gas tank. Then laugh when the car's owner sticks his hand inside and gets caught
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not news: Woman drowns at public pool. Fark: People continue swimming for two days before someone noticed
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Score one for computer hackers: Cyber attack cripples al-Qaida web communications
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Start stocking your bunkers and keep your heads low, climate change will start 30-year-long WWIII
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In today's episode of "The U.N. Does the Darndest Things", Best Korea will oversee the disarmament of the world's most dangerous weapons
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| (Some Guy) |
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B, double E, double R, U, N
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Three-way gun battle in Seattle's International District leaves no one injured, doubts about the level of marksmanship training in the SPD
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Money not necessarily key to happiness, according to economists who have never had to price check ramen noodles
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Officials say man who brought a loaded gun to Sacramento airport not a terrorist, just an idiot
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Attorney for ex-banker who only got 2-3 years in prison after his seventh DUI: "This almost reminds me of the public lynchings in the middle ages where people just couldn't wait to see the little rich kid get his due"
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Toddler's death from drinking gasoline fuels investigation
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| (Huffington Post) |
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Oxford doesn't give a fark about an Oxford comma
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Theme: The July Sweeps are coming. Photoshop some potential ratings boosters for current television programs
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Researchers say stepladder injuries continue to climb
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President Obama doesn't know how old his daughter is
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Christine O'Donnell isn't a witch, but she think a probe of her campaign finance violations is a witch-hunt
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Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Absorbent and yellow and porous is he. If nautical nonsense be something you wish, then I'VE GOT A GUN DROP ON THE DECK AND GIVE ME YOUR MONEY
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Chris Hansen caught cheating on his wife by hidden cameras. Why don't you have a seat over there?
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Detectives are itching to track down Frontline Plus thieves after they flea with every box in the store
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| (News 1130) |
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Man with fetish for cutting up women's hair is charged with cutting up his neighbors. No, there isn't a missing apostrophe
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World Net Daily finds another revenue stream for the "Birther" meme
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The Jersey Shore is being invaded by slimy organisms. And there are also these weird jellyfish-looking things popping up on the beaches
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Stuck at the airport for 80 days. Sounds like a great idea for a movie
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Doctors say adults need a tetanus booster every 10 years, no matter what. This important message brought to you by Aventis Pasteur
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| (Mail on Sunday) |
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Good idea: Turning down the volume on gadget that beeps annoyingly. Bad idea: Doing so on a heart monitor in your hospital
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It's understandable to transport a dead body in vehicle other than an ambulance or a hearse when you have to, but you might ruffle a few feathers if you use a garbage truck
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Australian boat strands tourist on reef. Dive company denies that he was in danger. Subby wonders what it takes to qualify as "danger" in Australia
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Mother, who's apparently never heard of a fraternity, suing Cornell for $25M after son was 'forced' to drink alcohol
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If you can fit six rolls of toilet paper up your backside, maybe it's time to see a medical specialist
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Thai "ladyboy" pictures confuse election officials
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Arbeit macht €1
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Man recovers class ring he lost 51 years ago when the girlfriend he gave it to accidentally flushed it down the toilet. The man says he plans on giving it back to the same girl-seeing as how he married her and all
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Trying to buy fake marijuana with a fake million dollar bill is no way to get through life, son
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Japanese utility shareholders vote to keep nuclear energy, despite giant wave of opposition
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I saw a turtle ... close down the runways at JFK airport
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Cop who threw tear gas into rival's tent at chili cook-off won't be cumin back to work
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Parasitic hookworms burrow through the skin until they arrive in your intestines. And for multiple sclerosis sufferers, this may be a good thing
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After developing the theory of relativity, Albert Einstein went on to test and disprove the theory behind the orgone accumulator, otherwise known as the Orgasmatron
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Best Korea's diplomatic efforts to reduce tensions by promoting tourism slightly derailed by threats of 'retaliatory sacred war'
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| (Some Guy) |
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The Quentin Tarantino toe-sucking sex e-mail that will haunt your dreams
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Not News: FBI invites controversial speakers to speak to cadets during training. News: They invite the Westboro Baptist Church. Fark: To speak at a military base
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| (Some Guy) |
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Police in riot gear needed to quell unruly crowd attempting to register for summer school
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| (Some Guy) |
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More Wimbledon news: much like Prince William on his wedding night, Princess Beatrice hits the "Royal Box"
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Man pays 36-year-old parking ticket, thanks the recession for having to pay less than the original ticket was issued for
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| (Some Guy) |
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Wink, wink, nod, nod "Go ahead and build it, that's okay" says HOA. "Oh wait, my bad, tear it down and here's a $40,000 fine, too." Bonus, it's Todd Bodine of NASCAR not winning again
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"The 82-year-old chemist has not only created more of the 300 known consciousness-altering (or psychoactive) compounds than anyone living or dead, he has, by his own account, sampled somewhere between 200 and 250 of them himself"
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Now gay inmates married in New York will be allowed to receive the same conjugal visits that their married heterosexual cellmates enjoy. Bubba disapproves of the competition
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DIY penis enlargement: "The scrotum is very easy and it's just a case of hitting the best place." The Sun is there, trembling in a corner
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WalMart sympathizes with all of you hit so hard by these trying economic times, so it's cutting gas prices by .10/gal. When this crisis is over, it will go back to regular prices. Remember: WalMart, the Schooner Tuna retailer with a heart
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$55,000 a month for child support? Sounds fair
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Head of the KC Federal Reserve: The biggest Wall-Street banks have become so big that they are "fundamentally inconsistent with capitalism". Damn you Obama, you've even turned Wall Street socialist
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Bin Laden might have been a douchebag, but he always thought of you around the holidays
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Not news: Obama visits Iowa aluminum plant. News: One protester pickets outside plant. Fark: Because he believes Obama is an alien (with picture goodness)
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The FBI now says the one terrorist it's been hunting is now two. One's the father *whack* brother *whack* father *whack* brother
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Poltergeist takes up residence at a cafe. Here comes the seance
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Michael Bay on his directorial style: "I don't change my style for anybody. Pussies do that." *F-18 flies by, bombs the hell out of everything* FARK YEAH
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not News: Texas declared a disaster. News: Texas declared a disaster. Fark: Texas declared a disaster
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Almost 80 percent of Americans are totally cool with women going topless at the beach. I think it's time for a national referendum
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| (Some Guy) |
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When practicing your samurai moves for a video project, try not to stab your katana through the wall separating you from your neighbor
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Couple live in home with 15 skunks. Of course it's Florida, did you have to ask?
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| (Kinston Free Press) |
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"I glanced at it, and it looks like Jesus," Hardison said. "I thought, 'You can't spray Jesus with Roundup.' "
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In a new poll, Obama trounces Palin in her home state of Alaska. Bonus: the poll was paid for by a conservative radio host
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| (Some Guy) |
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Pro tip: If you have drugs in your possession, it's best not to get so high yourself that the police then find you sweating profusely, flailing your arms and spinning in circles and yelling that you're 'super human'
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| (Some Guy) |
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"I'll pay $50,000 to a woman if she'll blow the State Senator", then the court reporter passed out
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Longest-held Australian hostage recounts his ordeal, says he's just glad to be back in the land of man-eating crocs and sharks, ultra-deadly snakes and Thunderdome
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Don't you love it when you are doing some spring cleaning or home improvement and you stumble across something you forgot you even had? Like say, 600lbs of 500-year old gold and silver coins?
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Photoshop a cover for a Fark romance novel
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When the Empire State Building was built (in just 400 days) the steel girders arriving on-site from 320 miles away were still warm from the foundry. How's that 10-year-old Ground Zero rebuilding coming along, fellas?
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Four plead guilty to assault and battery. Assault for tattooing "RAPEST" on the victim's forehead and beating him unconcious with a baseball bat. Battery must be for what powered the stun gun they shot him in the nuts with
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Five Saudi women detained for front-seat driving
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Hugo Chavez appears on Cuban TV getting zombie lessons from Fidel Castro
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Belarus citizens expected to learn sometime later this year that Russia has cut off their electrical power
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British peers confirm that it's too hard to file a complaint to the BBC, and that the "I wish to file a complaint" rubbish only worked in Monty Python
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Remember the old adage "Greenland is ice and Iceland is green"? Start forgetting it
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Tearful Glenn Beck describes how he was attacked by a raging mob of liberals who branded a backwards "B" on his cheek, scrawled "KKK" on him with feces, and kept yelling, "What's the frequency, Kenneth?"
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Rod Blagojevich's hairstyle would be allowed in prison, says report from the "Answering questions nobody was asking" bureau
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It's like *trip* *bumpbumpbumpbumpTHUD* on your wedding day
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Church youth leader saves 14-year-old girl from life of drugs. Just kidding, he raped her, poured gas over her and set her alight
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Prince Albert denies claims his fiancée tried to run away while he was in the can
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this dirty double driver
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| (Galveston Daily News) |
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Road rage incident ends with a someone bringing a pistol to an oatmeal fight
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Polar bear pals around with tamer. The Sun is AWWWWWWWWWWW
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Unlike humans, birds tweet using grammar
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William Shakespliff?
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Navy SEALs who killed bin Laden in Pakistan were apparently consulting with Christopher Nolan prior to the raid
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Why women are better than men at EVERYTHING. Answer: because they don't have a penis
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Sleep tight
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| Tue June 28, 2011 |
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Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo. Oh, and an Australian, too
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| (Some Guy) |
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Only the military and law enforcement should have "assault weapons" because they're the only ones professional enough to handle them and wouldn't do something stupid, like leave one unattended on the trunk of a patrol car
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Dog takes a bite out of crime... and this robber's crotch
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John Lennon, poster child for hippies and uneducated Liberals everywhere, was actually a closet Republican
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I guess you could say that *puts on.... HEY, you son of a biatch, give those back* YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. You bastard, the whole thing is ruined
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DEA raids pharmacy, finds drugs
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Muslim Congressman Keith Ellison's Tea Party challenger: "What do I know of Islam? Well, I know of 9/11"
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| (ADN) |
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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with a helicopter trying to knock over a plastic wrapped bull and losing
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Getting bombed at a Kabul luxury hotel is not as fun as it sounds. In other news, there's a luxury hotel in Kabul
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