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| Sun February 27, 2011 |
| (CFNews13) |
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Dead people of Walmart
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| (Some Guy) |
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Sydney mayor to his Chinese interpreter: "You have small boobs. Want a threesome?" Nice
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Photoshop this Japanese woman apologizing to a Ronald McDonald statue
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You and a buddy are at a party and have 'drunk a lot' so you, c) grab a knife to see just how well that new armored vest works
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| (Lower Alabama News) |
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The Sheriif's Dept. may have issued you that baton, but that doesn't mean you should use it on your own kid
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The most amazing picture of the ISS casting a shadow on the Discovery on its final mission 175mi above Earth you will ever see
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Constant shouting matches between Wisconsin asshats and dickheads forces bartender to forbid politics in her bar. Cliff Clavin opens his mouth, then reconsiders
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How about a tax break for businesses that give school scholarships to poor kids? Yeah, the teachers' unions have a problem with that
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One U.S. state has 3.9% unemployment, budget surpluses, and routinely begs for workers to move there with job fairs, offers of free land, and tax breaks. Difficulty: It's North Dakota
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If you're going to send your online girlfriend $200K, you may want to first verify she's real
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Do you moisturize? Are you a male? You failed the test and must turn in your man card immediately
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Buckaroo reincarnation. Rock star: check. Brilliant scientist: check. Media celebrity: check. God particle: check
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The success rate of landing a plane in the Hudson River has now fallen to 1 out of 2
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Introducing the $200 Microhouse. Has the housing market really gotten THIS bad?
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Guess who's having a tantrum over the other dictators getting so much news coverage?
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Gay hordes are dragging people away from marriages after Obama drops Defense of Marriage Act
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♫ You can crush us ♫ you can bruise us ♫ or even shoot us ♫ but, ohhh, the Scimitars of Sabratha ♫
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Four words: Ancient Nubian Antibiotic Beer
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English pagans campaign for census status, goat leggings
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Perhaps the meerkat has jumped the shark
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| (Some Guys) |
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Photoshop this funky film crew
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In a suggestion that won't offend anybody, anywhere, former politician suggests the porn industry should fund sex education in schools
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For four days a year, a tiny part of Indiana becomes tolerable. Welcome to the maple syrup festival. Sweet
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British motorways may have speed limit increased to 80mph. Subby blames Top Gear
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| (Rome News-Tribune) |
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Drunk, swearing and assaulting cops is no way to go through life, great-grandpa
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| (Some Guy) |
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A mining company executive who must have graduated from the Fark School of Business offers a farmer free beer in exchange for access to his land
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If you go looting after an earthquake it's probably best not to update Facebook to tell the whole world
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Man fired for doing too much work. Oddly enough, he wasn't a government worker
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Photoshop this downward dive
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Word problem: If a man, 43, makes over 18,000 prank 911 calls in 6 months, what are the odds he is single and will likely remain so? Show your work
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If you're a cop with a troubled teen, boarding your son's school bus and waving a gun in his face is probably not the best way to handle things
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Craigslist: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy
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| Sat February 26, 2011 |
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Obama to Qaddafi "GTFO Now"
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Drunk guy pees on $500 worth of chicken at Kroger
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Photoshop this ram push
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| (Some Guy) |
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Dallas police officer kicks handcuffed man in the head. Does the officer: a) Get fired and face charges after fellow officers report him, b) Get suspended with pay, or c) Get promoted? Wait...what? It's actually a? Really?
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New scientific studies show that college educated males are getting so scarce that hot young women are willing to sleep with just about anyone, as long as it isn't you
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Scientist dies studying bubonic plaugue. This is not a repeat from 1347
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Crappy golfers rejoice. You're not financially or legally liable if you hit your usual horrible tee shot
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Australia introduces tempered glassware in pubs, bars to reduce injury when drinks used as weapons
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Sheriff's deputy walks away with no punishment after he ran over a disabled woman with his cruiser. That's just how he rolls
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Only a day late, here's the Fark Weird News Quiz
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Woman finds out the hard way that the economy is particularly short of jobs that require looking good in a bathing suit while trying to bring about world peace
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Drugs, sex toys, and porn. Best.daycare.evar
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Mexican Mayor: 3 - Drug cartel assassins: 0
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Today's teacher soliciting sex from a dog is brought to you by... wait, what?
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Oil spill in the Gulf? That's a beating, another beating, another beating, another...well you get the picture
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Atlanta public school official in on-going cheating scandal who admittedly handed out memos to teachers saying investigators should "go to hell" now says she's a scapegoat. Pencils down, everyone
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Endangered Mount Graham red squirrel heads closer to extinction. Now we may never find out what they taste like
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Teachers union wants to improve education by having bad teachers kept on the job for over a year before being fired
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Sry, u can't join our loving church 'cuz yer the ghey, Thx 4 risking ur life & saving of us from that gunman. kthxbye
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Photoshop these masked men in white
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Typing another email to your history teacher while cops are handcuffing you actually helps with your insanity defense when standing trial for stalking
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FDNY commissioner hopes that others will learn from this tragedy. Like, never mixing sex and voodoo
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Reported air traffic control errors up. Johnny still unwilling to make coffee
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Your average grocery bill is now expected to be 4% higher than it was last year. Meanwhile, ⅔ of Americans are already overweight or obese. Is it just possible that the monetary outlay may result in a behavior shift?
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You think gas prices are bad in the U.S.? We Brits laugh at you whining, right-handed driving, oil-loving Americans and your $3.30 gas
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Fark Redesign Comps -- prepare to get over it
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Photoshop this sucky job
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Red meat good. Red meat bad. Red meat good. Red meat bad. Red meat good. Red meat bad
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DARPA's "cheetah-bot" designed to chase human prey. If your name is Sarah Connor, we suggest you change it now
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British woman wins 30 hour standoff with THE PARKING INSPECTOR
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Little Mews Rescue is in the spotlight, just in time for Caturday
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Canadian author visits his 2,500th pub. Says he has yet to reach the pint of no return
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Toddler gets locked in bank vault, doesn't show much interest in the situation
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| (Some Guy) |
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Florida Republican introduces bill making it a first-degree felony to photograph a cow on the side of the road without written permission
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Tulsa's giant Golden Driller to get rubbed down for a new finish
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop theme: The things they never warned you about
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| Fri February 25, 2011 |
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World's fattest contortionist is fat, contortionist
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So your dad saw the pictures of your penis you texted to your girlfriend. Do you (A) avoid eye contact, (B) retire from the NFL, or (C) threaten his life with a bow and arrow?
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Fark: Eight year-old boy arrested. Florida Tag: For the fifth time
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The State Department is gonna need a bigger boat
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If your kid has a fever of 100 degrees, she isn't sick, but you have 'fever phobia'
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A lot of personal-injury lawsuits are frivolous, ginned-up cash-grabs. This just may be one of the few that isn't
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Not to be outdone by its neighbor to the north, Nebraska wants to legalize the killing of abortion providers
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When you rent a car, you can rest assured that the car is clean, inspected, and has been meticulously maintained to insure complete safety. No? Two out of three? Which two?
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Bad: You got a C in high school band. Fark: Because your teacher pawned your guitar
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| (Some Guy) |
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Mother arms herself with a 9-inch scrub brush after getting in a fight with her adult daughter over who should cook the potato. The strange thing is this didn't hapen in the South
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For $10,000 you can now take a cruise to the great floating garbage patch in the Pacific
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| (Some Guy) |
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Woman puts baking soda in a newspaper box in order to scare off vandals. Naturally this shuts down an entire government office
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| (Some Boat) |
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Photoshop this skiff lift
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| (wtsp.com) |
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Realizing where he's from, feds gives Floriduh's governor a second chance to reject the $2.3 billion that they're offering him that would bring jobs and better transportation to the state
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| (Some Guy) |
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Homeless man uses life on the tweets to locate his daughter after 11 years
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| (Some Dancer) |
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Federal judge rules that Band-Aids over your nipples are unconstitutional
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Conformity makes death easier
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Drunk man breaks into Pizza Hut, deep fries some chicken wings
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| (Some Waiter) |
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The national subminimum wage, or "tipped minimum wage," for employees receiving tips is at its lowest inflation-adjusted level in history, you farking cheapskates
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| (wtsp.com) |
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Best pics you'll see all day of police helping baby ducklings cross the road
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Goggles banned at school swimming lessons over fears they may do nothing
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World's best canned beer. Is there such a thing ?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Parents upset that adult novelty store is advertising to end the abuse of vegetables
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Are you a white male? Do you have a GPA of at least 3.0? If so, step right up, we've got a scholarship just for you
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Traveling cobbler mends shoes for busy Bostonians. This is not a repeat from 1834
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There is a river up ahead. It looks deep. Will you ford it? (yes / no)
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Australia has five of the top ten cities in the world, with Vienna as #3
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Fed up with high cigarette taxes NY woman grows her own tobacco. State to make that illegal in 5, 4, 3, 2
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Two lesbian NYC teachers caught during lesbian encounter suing over tarnished lesbian reputations after being fired. Lesbian
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| (Some Guy) |
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Analysts say this year you could see the biggest pay raise since the recession began; 3%
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| (WLWT) |
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Today's Fark-ready headline: "2 Families, 1 Donkey In Legal Dispute." What a bunch of jackasses
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It only makes sense: Phoenix will host a national Tea Party convention
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In a landmark decision, a four-judge panel of the New York state Appellate Division upheld a 2009 ruling by the Surrogate Court recognizing a gay NY man's right to inherit his spouse's estate
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| (the daily breeze) |
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Police arrest three men in strong-arm robbery of five-year-old girl
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| (Some Guy) |
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Tax Court denies deduction for TV news anchor's Victoria Secret's thong underwear (but only after the judge's extensive review of the evidence)
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Finally, an explanation for Crazy Cat Lady Syndrome
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Police go after the most hardened criminals of them all....girl scouts, selling cookies without a permit
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There's a fungus among us, but it's better than getting malaria
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No labor representatives will be on the Sunday talk shows, it's more fair and balanced that way
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| (NDTV) |
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Flight delayed after passenger finds out there's a woman pilot, has to get off plane because he doesn't want to die
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TSGs Friday Photo Fun. When not out doing crimes, these fine people have respectable occupations. What might they be? Contest ends at 6pm Eastern
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Government: Eating more than three slices of ham a day DOES increase risk of bowel cancer, becoming fattie
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Fox, get down from there. You don't live 72 stories off the ground. You haven't even evolved wings
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Don't worry Farkers, science will be able to fix all the flaws that you endlessly make excuses about
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U.N.'s top human rights official reports of "thousands" dead in mass killings in Libya. Suggests establishing "independent panel to investigate the alleged abuses", which should solve the problem in no time
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| (Some Uninformed Guy) |
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Almost half of Americans polled thought the health care law has been repealed and is no longer law
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man: Russian mafia are blackmailing me. Police: What over. Man: My kiddie porn. Police: Step this way, Sir, we'll have a chat
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| (Some Guy) |
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Bobby Franklin (R-eally hates women) introduces bill that calls for death penalty for abortions and miscarriages. Also wants rape victims to be called "accusers"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Where next on the 2011 Revolution Tour? Why London England, of course. Let us all have a moment of silence to remember that poor womans hat
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After water main breaks, residents of town wake up to geysers of sewage exploding from toilets, leaving "3 feet of poop" on one woman's floor. Man, that's shiatty
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Irish brace for hard times, begin emigrating out of Ireland. Yes, this is a repeat from 1850
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Scientists discover how Sabretooth Tiger managed to bite down on huge chunks of meat. Scientists developed their theory by watching your mom last night
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Photoshop this golden flare
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IN the TEA party stronghold of MT, their lawmakers have focused like a laser solely on fiscal discipline issues like outlawing abortion, banning sex ed, and creating an armed "citizen's militia"
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Lacking Jews, Scotland announces plans to send hundreds of Gingers to Auschwitz
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Ralph the Hurricane Blown Pelican to be driven from Canada to North Carolina and then enter pelican rehab. "Intervention" has dibs on his story
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| (Some Guy) |
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Study: Most abused item by people under 21 still alcohol, your mom
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| (Some Paranoid Guy) |
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'Taking into account the entire MSNBC lineup, Glenn Beck has become the most disturbing personality on cable television'. Oh snap
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Top commander in Afghanistan orders investigation into report that mind tricks were used by subordinate general on visiting dignitaries. Investigators promptly told "these are not the psy-ops you are looking for"
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FREE ROOM IN SHARED APARTMENT IN EXCHANGE FOR COOKING AND CLEANING AND SIX DAYS OF RAPE (East Williamsburg - Brooklyn)
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Peeing on your hands and rubbing it all over yourself attracts females if you're a Capuchin Monkey, but Subby's repeated experiments have had disappointing results
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GOP rams union-busting bill through the Wisconsin state assembly by cutting off voting before the Democrats can finish
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Art museum officials outraged after someone paints clothes over the nude woman on their billboard. Just kidding, they said that's kinda funny, leave it up
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"The man puts his penis between the woman's legs and inside her vagina. After a while, a white liquid shoots out of the man's penis and into the woman's vagina. The liquid is full of millions of sperm." Ah, kids books
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Photoshop this snubbing model
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This is not the Smoking Gun. This is the Smoking Face of kill it with Fire
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Workmen resurface area around parked car after the owner ignores warning signs (w/photo)
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Teacher duct-tapes autistic student to chair. Submitter was going to make some joke about the exact length of the duct tape, but couldn't get past the picture of the teacher
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| (Press of Atlantic City) |
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"Come on, you and I both know I'm gonna blow over the limit, how about a little professional courtesy, I was the designated driver"
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Old and busted: Fireplace Channel. New Hotness: Rotisserie Chicken Channel
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Before you choke and hit the child you are hired to babysit for, better check that new clock on the kitchen wall, genius
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| (Some Guy) |
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Police sketch proves that cavemen are still out there perfoming abductions
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| (Billings Gazette) |
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Man steals Model A Ford. Tries to cheese it but G men get the drop on him; cracks wise with coppers before singing like a canary and now he's in the hoosegow, looking at going in for all day
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop theme: Useless or inappropriate halls of fame
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What's missing one eye, the roof of its mouth, can barely eat or drink, caught a bullet in the chest and shrapnel in the face, but is going back for another tour in Afghanistan anyway? This guy
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| Thu February 24, 2011 |
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The new hotness: breast milk ice cream
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I repair elevators so I can buy meth, so I can repair elevators faster and buy even more meth, so I can repair EVEN MORE ELEVATORS SO I CAN BUY EVEN MORE FASTER METH
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News: Agent Orange contamination widespread after decades of use in Ontario. Fark: because the province wanted to save cash on highway maintenance
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| (Some Guy) |
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You'll never guess what the former head of a Florida MADD chapter was arrested for
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Today's weather question: "Why is it that lately I can see the moon during the day?"
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Pro tip: If you want to mug an old man at an ATM make sure he is not a retired professional boxer
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You can drive in the buff in Nebraska, but please keep the number of passengers under three and your BAC under twice the limit
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Disney worker arrested after filling guest's day with fun, adventure, penis
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Saudi national charged with trying to show George W. Bush what weapons of mass destruction actually look like
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Photoshop the new release from Hubble, spiral galaxy NGC 2841
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| (Some Guy) |
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"He said (the intruders) were trying to make it seem like they were not there, and they would try to blend into their surroundings, like chairs and trees"
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Next you'll be telling me the regime-toppling protests are going to spread to North Korea. There's no way the North Koreans are go.....wait, what?
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If you're high on coke, you shouldn't be driving. You also shouldn't be quite so honest with the cops
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Here's a tip for Scott Walker: The cops read those prank call transcripts, too
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You've got way too much time on your hands if you write a computer virus designed to attack Whac-a-Mole games
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The poor economy has taught you how to get your ass to work on time
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Dear Asia, we loved your kudzu, snakeheads and lionfish sooooo much, we decided to get you a present. Enjoy your fire ants - sincerely, The Americas
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Gaddafi who is the new Bin Laden, blames Bin Laden who was the new Gaddafi, of being behind revolution. Gaddafi
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Iran: Uranium season. Israel: Missle season. Iran: Uranium season. Israel: Missle season. Iran: URANIUM SEAS*BOOM*
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Just how can the Terminator franchise be saved?
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How could Nicolas Cage's Drive Angry get even more ludicrous? The movie's title comes from the scene in Groundhog Day where Bill Murray...oh, you know what I'm talking about
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Trial begins today in a case many Farkers are describing as a "justifiable homicide"
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More civilian casualties in Afghanistan, though it's tough to keep exact count because of the tally ban
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Wisconsin spends money for Troopers to hunt down missing Dems and... well, ask them nicely to come back, because they can't be arrested
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| (Some Guy) |
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A traditional funeral arrangement can be quite an undertaking
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Happy 90th birthday to everyone's favorite dead guy, Abe Vigoda
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Shanghai, worried there are too many dogs in the city as pets, does the only thing they can to stop it. Okay, not the only thing they could
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I, for one, would gladly welcome a tax hike if it meant roller disco coaches for everyone
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US Govt wants Big Tobacco to admit health risks. Big Beer and Big Tequila seen snickering in the corner
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"Emanuel's wife prefers life outside spotlight," exclaims the Chicago Tribune on the front page of their newspaper
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| (Some Guy) |
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Sony: "Just because our console came in third in a field of three doesn't mean it's a failure"
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"Redneck" is officially a religion in Florida (w/ pic of what a devout follower may look like)
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Sarah Palin announces she's planning a trip to India because she's deeply concerned about the plight of Native Americans and plus, she's always loved the movie "Hoosiers"
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Borders employees discuss the stupidity of consumers in regards to their "liquidation sales"
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Meanwhile in Tripoli, every foreigner is trying to get the hell out of the country
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Take me out to the ballgame, take me out with the crowd, buy me some peanuts and baloney lollipops ... er, what?
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| (CFNews13) |
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Obviously 'Glee' isn't very popular in rural Florida
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| (Colorado Independent) |
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Colorado introduces bill to reduce the numbers of mentally ill and developmentally disabled prisoners in solitary confinement, presumably because watching them go Mortal Kombat on each other in one big room would be more fun
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| (Spaceflight Now) |
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DISCOVERY'S FINAL FLIGHT. Shuttle launching at 4:50pm EDT today - follow countdown progress with NASA TV feed here
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Martin Sheen says he knew that Charlie was in trouble when people started asking him if Charlie was his dad. Fine, he didn't say that, but we have a headline quota to fill
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man sentenced for spraying semen on fellow shoppers, your mom
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| (WLBZ2.com) |
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Maine's governor, know for his carefully thought out comments, says the only danger of BPA in plastics is "some women may have little beards." You know, like his wife
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Thomas Friedman suggests coping with the Middle East crisis by bankrupting everyone who lives more than 20 miles from work
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| (Winnipeg Free Press) |
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Judge: Rape victim was inviting it so no jail time is needed
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British judge approves extradition of Julian Assange to Guantan, er, Sweden
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World Fark Party Apr 1 - 3 in Las Vegas at Treasure Island - see comments for details
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| (Some Guy) |
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The MacBook Pro you bought yesterday is now a piece of shiat
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Q: Hey, Mr. USA Today financial expert, is it safe to hand over all my financial passwords and account info to Mint.com? A: Absolutely. I mean, maybe. If you want to, I mean. Probably no
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Fewer people sought unemployment aid last week, perhaps because of the amount of work involved
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you build you house at the base of a cliff, don't be surprised by the occasional katamari
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68-year old woman attacked and nearly killed by chihuahuas while walking her chihuahua. Nah, just kidding, they were all pit bulls
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| (Some Annoyed Guy) |
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Most of the time when local governments do obnoxious and annoying things it's not intentional, let alone their express stated purpose. Most of the time
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| (Kinston Free Press) |
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Oldest living male Rockette dies at 102
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| (fox17online.com) |
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Don't use open flame to thaw frozen pipes, especially if you forgot about your stash of illegal fireworks. Your house asplode
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| (The Scottish Sun) |
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Dog owner phones emergency services to report someone for farting on their dog
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In the past 30 years, American's income has been almost perfectly stagnant. Unless, of course you are in the top 1% of earners, in which case your income has quadrupled
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Is sex addiction real or are the people who claim they have it just dicks?
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Thailand's prime minister admits that he's also British, refuses to answer questions about his Kenyan roots
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Newspapers across England are outraged after driver posts video of his car going 167 mph. And outraged they should be -- it's some of the shakiest, blurriest video you'll see today and the soundtrack is loud and annoying
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74-year-old man charged with putting sleeping pills in caretaker's fruit juice & inappropriately gumming her (w/ NOM NOM NOM mugshot)
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| (CFNews13) |
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We haven't heard this one before: Classmates and teachers of accused teen gunman describe him as 'quiet'
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| (Some Guy) |
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Parenting tip: Putting your kids on the roof of your van to deliver papers may attract unwanted attention
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| (Some Guy) |
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Society of Professional Journalists condemns fake Walker call as "underhanded and unethical," but that won't stop every media outlet from milking it for all it's worth
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Army targeted US Senators with psyops team to induce them to increase military funding. Targets included John McCain who is probably immune, and Al Franken just for laughs
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man's artificial leg stolen, says he hops for its return
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| (Some Guy) |
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California plans to install a bubble machine, strobe lights, and "underwater acoustics" to keep salmon away from a wrong turn to the ocean. In unrelated news, California salmon now tastes like glowsticks
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"People who espouse rigid beliefs - be they about climate change, religion, or politics (or a mix of all three) - instinctively make me question their evidence"
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"Believe it or not, there was a time when the Oscars ran short"
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Shep Smith and conservative NPR-slaying hero Juan Williams explain how the Democrats and Unions are entirely right about Wisconsin
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Because it's worked so well as an excuse for other countries in the past, Gaddafi blames Osama Bin Laden
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| (Some Guy) |
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Today's episode of "That Is a Truly Horrible Idea" brought to you by plans to deliver the Olympic flame to the International Space Station and return it to Earth for the 2014 Winter Olympics
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| (Some Guy) |
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Athiests, prayer, arrests, chaos: just another school board meeting in Fark's favorite state
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| (Some Guy) |
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The good news is victims of Ferdinand Marcos wil finally see compensation. The bad news is it will be in the form of thousands of tiny shoes
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132 space shuttle launches for the coolest 132 seconds you'll watch today. Bonus: Fadeouts to black and white are your cue to has a sad
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We'd love to fly you out of Libya, but we can't. Insurance, eh? See if you can hitch a ride with the french
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| (KSAT) |
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Future teachers worried about employment. Future historians and philosophers tell them to get in line
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The 5 most spectacularly unsexy workout videos ever. Yes, it's a Cracked article but, on the balance, it's by Seanbaby and it has Estelle Getty in it
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Don't call that dog sh*thead, call him Lifesaver
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Most Amusing revelation to date from the new tell-all book about Sarah Palin: When a phony nude photo of her first surfaced during the 2006 campaign Todd's first reaction was "Is it real?"
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Fark-ready headline: Zombie porn director gets off lightly
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In today's edition of films that were terrible in the first place yet are inexplicably being remade, we have Hellraiser, which the film's director says won't follow Clive Barker's storyline
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"Why create a hideous concoction of 21 ingredients, many of them chemical and/or unnecessary?"
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Libyan protestors have taken Misrata, the nation's third-largest city
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| (Some Guy) |
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2 found dead in crash that killed one
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52 years in the making, NASA completes mission to kill God
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| (Bergen Record) |
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Today's episode of "Do you know who I am?" is presented by Councilwoman Mary Sadrakula of Clifton NJ
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Mother of 16 says she gets too much in state benefits. Has been pregnant 1/4 of her life with 5 different men
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How badly has the Supreme Court been tarnished by Scalia, Roberts, and Thomas? For the first time in its history, lawyers are calling for a code of ethics to be drawn up for it. In other news, the Supreme Court doesn't have a code of ethics
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The difference between this man wearing a suit on a tricycle and most folks on bicycles? A tire
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| (wtsp.com) |
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Maybe answering those quizzes on Facebook that ask for your mother's maiden name, first pet's name, and where you went to grade school isn't such a good idea
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Tornado raping conditions are up across the South. Huh? Oh, "ramping." Tornado "ramping." Got ya thinking though, huh?
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As a matter of fact, part of Oscar-nominated film "The King's Speech" was filmed on a gay porn set
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Mixed race couple gives birth to identical black and white babies
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| (Albany Times Union) |
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Photoshop this cake cutting
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Seven-year-old boy claims to be magnetic. Farking Serbian boys, how do they work?
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| (wtsp.com) |
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Woman arrested after getting naked in Sarasota bar. With yeah, you'd hit it, even with the stitches on her chin mug shot
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Apparently almost every girl is kinda bisexual, and now there is a name for it: flexisexual
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Ways your appearance affects your paycheck. Male: If you are tall and good looking you will make more money. Female: If you are tall and good looking you will make more money
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Doritos chips now come in Cool Ranch, Nacho Cheese, and Powdered Cocaine
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If you name your child Aspen, Bat, Geronimo, Pontiac, Siren, or Buckette, you may be from a western state. Or just an attention whore
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| (Some Guy) |
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Nine myths about baldness. Protip: If you're half- bald, just shave it all off. Chicks like all or none
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4 out of 5 consumers agree: Choosing the right Sensitive-Teeth, Plaque-Eliminating, Pro-Whitening, Tartar-Control, Tropical Mint Explosion Formula with Baking Soda and Peroxide toothpaste is too damn complicated
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Seventeen years later John Wayne Bobbitt reveals what his wife did that hurt him the most. It's not what you expect
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After Brazilian floods recede, woman finds alligator behind her couch. Firefighters initially dubious, saying it's a croc
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The Indiana deputy AG who advocated deadly force against protesters in multiple tweets now claims it was... satire. yeah, that's the ticket
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Photoshop this magic show man
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| (Some Guy) |
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Dirty air triggers more heart attacks than cocaine. Plus it's harder to snort off a woman's bare breasts
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these algae observers
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Man drinks World's Strongest Beer, a quadruple IPA that contains four times the hops, four times the bitterness and is frozen four times to create a staggering 41% ABV
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NJ man gets 15 years in prison for stealing $180 worth of deodorant. That stinks
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 303: "Old Man Winter" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed February 23, 2011 |
| (Some Guy) |
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FARK's favorite Warrior, Patrick Tribbett, is back in the news with another story that will make you want to kry(lon)
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Turkey, with 25,000 nationals in Libya, launches the biggest evacuation operation in its history. We're gonna need a bigger gravy boat
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If Qadaffi somehow survives all of this, he's looking at a War Crimes trial for what he's done over the last few days
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Convicted rapist finds that having the victim at his parole hearing isn't nearly as much fun as....oh hell with it. I just hope this guy is now really familiar with what rape feels like (tag is for the victim)
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| (Some Guy) |
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AudioEdit challenge: What would different Internet memes sound like? LGT a meme
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Qadaffi's daughter attempts to defect to Malta, is refused and has to go back home
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What would it cost to replace the posioned Auburn trees? Louisiana is spending $300,000 to move a single similar-sized 150-year-old oak
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Indiana attorney general fires deputy over tweets aimed at Wisconsin protestors
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Those sisters freed from jail contingent on an kidney transplant? Yeah, they're too fat to do the procedure. Back to jail with you
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| (Some Guy) |
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SEIU supports Wisconsin workers...via song...by Dropkick Murphy's...about smashing the bastards down. Holy crap...is that banjo music?
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In most of the US, the groundhog not seeing his shadow is a sign of an early spring. In NYC the sign of an early spring is when the bodies in the East River floating to the top in February
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New X-ray machines for airports reveal internal cavities
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Photoshop these pastel people in a pastel place
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Before you go into your neighbor's home and push around the teen who lives there because you think he hid a camera on a decorative deer so he can film your girlfriend bathing, make sure there really is a camera in the decorative deer
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Fark Ready Headline: Utah Cops Arrest Yogi Bear, Notorious Basket Thief, On Variety of Charges
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| (Some Guy) |
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Heinz ketchup goes green
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Why are Libya's soldiers willing to fire on their own people when Egypt's refused? Because the ones doing the shooting are not Libyans, they're mercenaries being paid $2k day by Gaddafi's son
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Wisconsin has been stealing the spotlight long enough: Here comes the Florida Fisherman's Revolt
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Road rage, not maple syrup, started the Dennys fight
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Poor people in Beantown can get broadband from Kabletown for just a couple of beans
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Forget high-speed rail, Illinois can barely handle regular-speed rail
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not news: DUI driver returns to scene where he killed pedestrian TOTAL FARK: He did it because he called his insurance company and they told him to go back
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| (Some Guy) |
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40% of college students drop out because (a) depression (b) bad roommate (c) it's taking 6 years. Difficulty: Pick 4
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| (Beaumont Enterprise) |
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The four Americans killed by pirates earlier this week, "were meticulous and planned for any dangers." Apparently sailing through pirate infested waters wasn't considered a danger. They should have packed a ninja
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Tennessee tries to be the next state to defend the country from Shariah law. "Shariah law is telling me don't steal. Do you want me to steal and rob a bank?"
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When it comes to parental leave the US ranks right up there with other modern industrial societies such as Swaziland and Papua New Guinea
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| (Montana Substandard) |
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Youth wrestling match turns into adult wrestling match as enraged dad attacks his 5-year-old's coach while trying to kill the referee. It's still real to me, dammit
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| (Some Guy) |
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"It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Body found in cemetery
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Attack of the clones'...milk
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Scientists discover key protein which piles the weight back on, and no it is not served with "Special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Remember how we found out last week that soda can give you cancer? Yeah, if you drink a thousand of them a day, and you're a mouse. Oh, and the same chemical prevents cancer in rats
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Ahmadinejad says other leaders should heed the uprisings of their citizens and not use force
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Mayor Olive Stephens of Shady Shores, Texas, who has served 38 terms as an elected official, is retiring at 94
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| (KABC) |
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The protests in northern Africa and the Middle East have pushed up oil prices, and we're already seeing the effects at the gas pump. Ric Romero reports
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| (Some Guy) |
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Dubai sits 40% empty. For perspective, even Detroit is only 28% vacant
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NYC comes out with a new use for the scanner app on your phone: scanning the bar code on a restaurant's rating to see that they got their B for mouse droppings and chefs picking their noses. Ummmm, boy I'm hungry now
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| (Some Guy) |
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Guess the verb: the drunken postal worker then _____ his feces onto the officer
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Ex-Libyan minister pretty much confirms what we all suspected about the Lockerbie bombing
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Russia classifies beer as alcohol for first time ever
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"Oh, Lordy, I had no idea. I am not OK with this. I don't believe in pornography, and, oh, my, I just don't see Northwood, Iowa as the sex capital of the world. We have all these Norwegians here. Can you imagine that?"
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| (Daily Iowan) |
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Clearly a Fark-inspired column: "Award the most artistically uninterested child captainship of the red-rover team, and persuade him that his future in the sport is very bright"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man discovers his girlfriend used the internet to research how to leave an abusive relationship. Guess how that worked out
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Drinking moderately, which was bad for you, then good for you again, but then bad for you is now good for you once more
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Study says that rightwing candidates are better looking, finding that leftwing candidates apply makeup too liberally
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Obama administration set to anounce they will bend over and stop defending DOMA
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| (Daily Telegraph) |
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Letting your kid try a stubby while watching the footy could make your ankle biters not come up the full quid; translated from Australian into English that's THE DEMON RUM IS COMING TO GET YOUR CHILDREN
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Indiana Deputy Attorney General on Wisconsin protestors: "Use live ammunition"
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Doomsday shelters are back, and their owners are talking: "For years we wouldn't give interviews. They all want to make you look like a nut"
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Yet another hot starlet showing off her cool new tats at the beach
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Survived the trauma of your TSA groping? No deformities from your irradiation? Lucked out with a no-terrorist flight? Don't relax too much; airport germs may still kill you
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| (Digital Spy) |
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The original standup comic, Larry King, is going on tour. Topics will include his helping Edison discover electricity, watching The Cubs win a World Series, and helping God pick out names for animals
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| (ksl.com) |
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"New beverage targets vampire fans" - If by "new" you mean it's been available for a year and a half, and by "vampire fans" you mean fan boys/girls who think they're hip for watching edgy HBO series
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| (Some Guy) |
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Artificially grown meat lab shut down due to lead scientists showing off his meat to administrator....maybe. Its all so hush hush for now
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Pictures of ugly ass baby cheetahs climbing trees. Who am I kidding, d'awwwwwww
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| (Some Mad Cat) |
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Well we've made it to hump day, so here's a bunch of pissed off looking kittehs
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Today marks the 69th anniversary of the Japanese invasion of California. Phillip K. Dick last seen nodding in approval
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Someone prank calls Gov. Walker (R-WI) pretending to be one of the Koch Brothers. Hilarity ensues
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| (Some Guy) |
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Six brands that don't mean what they used to
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| (Pat's Papers) |
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Woman love corn. Writes "I Love Corn" cookbook. Same woman loves bacon. Says her agent stole idea for "I Love Bacon." Beef ensues
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"wut r u up 2" "driving" "now?" "swimming"
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In a move that I'm sure is completely unrelated to the unrest in the Middle East, the king of Saudi Arabia has announced billions of dollars in aid to go to his citizens
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Banks, which make money from other people's money, are closing branches where there isn't any money. Quick, to the Romerocopter
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The number of hate groups in America has reached an all-time high, mostly made up "people who think the federal government is conspiring to take away their freedom." Hm. Who could those be? Hm
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Man who robbed journalist and posted own mug shot on Facebook, caught
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| (worldoddities.com) |
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Mexican prostitute retirement home? With what retired Mexican hookers may look like, Oh dios mio
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When grandpa warned you that a stampede of geese would one day take over the streets, you probably laughed. Who's laughing now?
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Jared Loughner's attorney worries that his client's newly released booking photos might make the public think he's not a nice guy
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23 things that might convince you to believe the Paul McCartney Is Dead conspiracy theory
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New study proves that cellphones will not give you cancer. Unless you, like, use them. A lot. If you use them a lot, they might give you cancer. Maybe. Hell, we don't know, can we have more funding?
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Hateful attention whores, Westboro Baptist Church, to picket "The Laramie Project" production today in Portsmouth, NH. Subby seeks suggestions for subversive signage. (Voting enabled)
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Khaddafi...Quadafi... Gaddafi...whatever...Carlos Santana to sabotage Libyan oil production
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Your honor, my client will use the "Thin Mints" defense to justify why she beat her Girl Scout Cookie stealing roommate
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this tigerfish and its terrible teeth
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Photoshop this wet kiss
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Today's "hard working stripper leaving her four kids home alone" story brought to you by Riviera Beach, Florida (w/very hot blonde wig mugshot)
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| (Las Vegas Review-Journal) |
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Senator Harry Reid says ending legal prostitution will bring businesses to Nevada. Doesn't he know capitalism only flourishes when someone is getting screwed?
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Ice cream man arrested while driving his truck drunk now faces very rocky road
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| (Winnipeg Free Press) |
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Canadians too polite to call police after man fires 15 shotgun rounds in his apartment
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ABC News tackles one of the most pressing issues of our time: Discrimination against redheads
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Woman gives birth going up in an elevator. This would never have happened if she had gone down
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| (ProJo.com) |
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Facing a budget short fall, Rhode Island community takes the only appropriate measure. It fires all 1,926 teachers
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If you're driving drunk and don't want to raise police suspicion, it would help immensely if your car has more than three tires
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If you weren't already sick of snow this winter, here's something you may not have known: It'll set your damn car on fire
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| (My Fox Chicago) |
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Good fathers take their sons for walks. Smart fathers do it sober, leave the weed at home, and don't bring along drunk friends with active warrants
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Qaddafi? Khadafi? And what about his first name? "This is the point where most editors give up and run a story on Justin Bieber instead"
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Photoshop these civil disobedient demonstrators
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Libya's interior minister quits to join resistance. By this time Friday, Libya's government to be Gadhafi, some cardboard cutouts of cabinet members, and a janitor being held at gunpoint
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Did you know that it is illegal to recite the Gettysburg Address at the Lincoln Memorial without a permit
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| Tue February 22, 2011 |
| (KTBS) |
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Teacher notices bandage on girl's arm, asks if she's been cutting herself. Fark: Tells her how to do more damage
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Officers believe the bone may be connected to the missing persons." Well, not anymore, but still
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Not news: 11-year-old arrested for drawing a stick figure with a gun. Fark: After his therapist told him to draw pictures when he gets upset
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Spring break "doesn't have to be all about sex and drinking this spring." Of course not. There's loud music, drugs, street fights and so much more
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| (B. Karloff) |
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Mummy, missing several teeth and carrying a hatchet, robs store. With helpful picture of what missing cash looks like
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After not receiving a call from their best customer for 3 days, a pizza delivery woman went to check on the woman at her home. Turns out the woman had fallen and couldn't get over to a telephone to call for help
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| (Some Guy) |
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Sending your stepson naked pictures of his mom is probably not the best way to ensure your divorce with her goes smoothly
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Actual headline: "No American Needs the Bill of Rights." Oh, sorry; I misread that: "No Gun Owner Needs 30 Rounds in a Magazine"
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| (Hyperbole and a Half) |
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The Scariest Story
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Gaddafi says the people of Libya are "fighting a rock", which I guess means we need a crapload of paper
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Hollywood isn't actually out of ideas --they just reject any new ones
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Feds knew of problems at plant that made taint wipes. Oh, I mean taintED wipes
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