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| Sat June 12, 2010 |
| (KATU) |
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Sometimes it's better just to let the kite go
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| (Albany Times Union) |
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The weekend's Fark-ready headline: "Halfmoon man charged with exposing himself"
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Well, bye
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| (KIIITV) |
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Smug BMW driver makes it to Starbucks in less than 26 minutes. Causes a Latté damage
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Oil spill now threatens the shores of.... Salt Lake City?
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Deputies award a medal to the rafting guide who jumped into the water and rescued a young rafter who fell from a boat. Just kidding. They arrested him for obstructing government operations. "He was told not to go in the water"
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| (Some Guy) |
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A few kids from Oregon remind everyone what sportmanship means
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"This current brand of aggressive atheism is just another form of fundamentalism. These particular atheists are zealots on the subject of faith who see no shadings of gray, only black and white"
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| (WLKY) |
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Tell me if you've heard this one before. Six-year-old kid walks into bar naked, orders a beer
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If you're going to punch a hole in a wall to burglarize a department store make sure the hole is big enough so your rotund body doesn't get stuck
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this blind faith
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North Korea threatens "all out military strike" on South Korea for propaganda campaign. May God have mercy on their Seouls
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| (Global Times) |
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Convent garden found to contain an acre of marijuana plants. Holy smokes
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HHS Secretary Sebelius wants to get rid of childhood, at least that is what the headline says
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After we just spent $80 billion rescuing her from herself, Abby Sunderland vows to try again to become the youngest person lost at sea whilst attempting to circumnavigate the globe
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Making a big comeback: 1940's-style bikinis. With helpful photographic comparison
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Televangelist Pat Robertson to woman complaining that her husband flirts: "STFU and be less ugly"
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| (Financial Post) |
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The world's biggest illicit industries: Drug trafficking? check. Counterfeiting? check. Oil smuggling? Oil smuggling???
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| (Some Guy) |
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Dude, what are you in prison for? Murder? That's cool. I'm here for... cutting... hair
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College students prefer professors who are easy graders and don't expect a lot of them. Researchers having a hard time deciding what to tackle next: Men's thoughts on boobs, what dogs think of steak, or how drunk Drew was last night
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Saudi Arabia gives Israel clear skies to attack Iranian nuclear sites. Ahmegettinouttahere
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Finding nobody to collect your toll does not excuse toll evasion. Finding a reporter to call state officials heartless morons, however, does work
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Admiral Thad Allen: "the media will have uninhibited access" Apparently uninhibted access means revoking all flyover permits, forbidding photography on public beaches, blockades, and harassment of journalists
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No dude, Mars isn't sleeping; he's stoned
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One of the perks of being a cruise planner is that you know when your clients will be out of town, which gives you plenty of time to check out their home. Bonus: A rare occurence of the word "burgle"
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| (Charleston (WV) Gazette) |
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I can haz TWO cheesburgers?
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| (WOOHOO) |
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Strip club does its part to help tornado victims by hosting "Lap Dances for Northwestern Ohio"
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Man throws freshly baked biscuit at woman, charged with buttery
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| (Somewhere in Jakarta) |
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Photoshop this motorcycle monkey
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| (Some Guy) |
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Five week old kitten hitches a ride in an engine block, gets lured out with bologna in time for Caturday (with video)
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| (Some Guy) |
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How do you make a hipster restaurant even more obnoxious? Get rid of all the menus and replace them with iPads. "This is not a gimmick. I really reckon this is going to set a precedent"
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President Obama has become one of those annoying ex-smokers and is trying to get other world leaders to quit the habit
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Dude. That is NOT where ham comes from
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FDA panel to review the ultimate birth control for procrastinators
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They're called "snapping turtles." It says it in their name. SNAPPING. So, like, why would a TV reporter hold one up by his face?
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Ceiling Cat accused of trying to steal painkillers from a Florida pharmacy
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Jacques-Yves Cousteau would have been 100 years old today. Here is a compilation of some of his finest shots
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Compilation video of Stanley Cup Final hero Patrick Kane getting completely hammered during the Blackhawks victory parade
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The United States' biggest obstacle this World Cup: England? No. Injuries? No. Elephants? Yes indeed
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Eight-year olds find vial of yellow liquid and slurp it down. Well, at least it wasn't urine
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| (SD 6 News) |
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If you're going to get high on drugs, don't go banging on the front door of a police station
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97.5% of the adult population of Scotland are likely to be either cigarette smokers, heavy drinkers, physically inactive, overweight or have a poor diet. The remaining 2.5% are wasting their lives
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Cop busted for showing his ding-dong at major department store. Come see the softer side of Sears
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When does "black holes" sound like "black whores"? When the LA Chapter of the NAACP wants it to, that's when
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Darwin customs authorities would like to apologise to man jailed for three days after retesting the shampoo in his luggage and discovering it was not ecstacy but actually shampoo
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Father and son arrested after firing "a few celebratory rounds" from their handguns into the air after the Blackhawks' Stanley Cup Victory. Why yes, they had been drinking
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Of all the things to say to a 74-year old man playing with himself in a mall bathroom, "Are you coming on to me?" is probably one of the worst
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| (MyNorthwest dot com) |
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The CEO of the hated X10 camera has killed two teens drunk driving. Sad tag for the dead kids; a better tag for this guy would have been deadmeat
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Behold, the 8th plague has once again hit Egypt. Oh, it's Australia, never mind then
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They had a great set at Bonnaroo today: Carolina Chocolate Drops perform Cornbread & Butterbeans, live at Knoxville's WDVX's Blue Plate Special. Drew probably doesn't like it, despite his redneck roots
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City of Oakland estimates comprehensive streetcar study will cost over $600,000, so college student completes study for $900
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Fear not Drew, it's still ok to buy used condoms
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A whole bunch of scientists: "The Gulf disaster is spewing out an Exxon Valdez every three days." Government hack in charge of response: "Well, that's kind of hard to nail down"
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Smile. You're on TSGs weekly mugshot roundup
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| (Some Civilian) |
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Not news: Marine charged with DWI. News: After wrecking motorcycle. Fark: NAKED
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The best of Cops might be the greatest video in the history of the internets
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| (Some Guy) |
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Van der Sloot: "Well, I'm farked either way, so here's where Natalie's body is buried"
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Has any movie changed your life or expanded your mind? Tell us about it. LGT movie that blew my mind
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| (Some entrepreneur) |
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Theme: Revamp this classic gag business card for the 21st century
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"Being attacked by a box-cutter is a heck of a lot better than being attacked by cox-butter"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Google now checking website quality for more than two keywords -
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Unedited video of the Israeli raid of the flotilla has been posted. Filmmaker who smuggled footage out denies ship expected IDF to use violence, confirms nonlethal weapons used first
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Subway "Sandwich Artist" fired for using her free daily sub to feed her neighbors who just lost their home in a fire
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Newborn baby abandoned by mother and left on pub's doorstep named 'Jack'. I guess naming him 'Guinness' would have been too obvious
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Although they call it Funny Car racing, it's not so funny when your chute doesn't open
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"Love you maw maw, I'm famous" he yelled into the camera after performing wrestling moves on a 2 year old girl, breaking her leg
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Founder of catastrophe theory dies
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| (Stamford Advocate) |
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Drinking his own urine in a hospital bed may have been the low point that turned Gregory's life around, but he's going to prison for five years for DUI manslaughter just in case
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DREW, you are not AWESOME enough to mainpage this on an incredible FRIDAY nite - YEAH EXCEPT ITS SATURDAY IN KENTUCKY SO i have no idea what the point is there i lovfe you al man -Drew
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Other than anything sex-related, what are you passionate about?
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A 'mystery woman' has put forth another claim to Gary Coleman's estate. Sadly, the estate consists of a savings account of $4.67, an autographed photo of Gordon Jump and a '73 Ford Pinto
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Maybe the backyard isn't the best place for a home made zipline. But the internet sure is the best place for the result
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I just deleted EVERYTHING IN THE POLITICS QUEUE. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE IT'S FRIDAY OR APPARENTLY SATURDAY IN MY OWN TIMEZONE GET OUT AND ENJOY LIFE -DREW
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| Fri June 11, 2010 |
| (WFAA) |
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PEOPLE OF DALLAS: BUY BOOZE
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Why does every waterbed ever made look like it fell off the back of a redneck's truck on the way to a porno shoot?
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It took 15 years, but Waterworld is finally turning a profit
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Science trying to fix female orgasms, find Lochness Monster
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How BP's giant PR clusterfark is more damaging to the company than the oil spill itself
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Photoshop Theme: Create a new breakfast cereal for adults
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| (Some Guy) |
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New York Times bans the word "tweet"
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| (Courier Press) |
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Sims arrested for murdering stepson, presumably by building a pool with no ladder which stepson could not get out of
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| (Some Guy) |
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Women under the 'complete control of her homeopath' earns her Darwin award
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Obama gets tough on leaks. No not that one
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| (Some Guy) |
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Crime Watch captain sends out email recommending people call 911 "any time you see Afro teens walking on our street"
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Here's the chance for Farkers to vote on the question: Is the Internet making us stupid?
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A whole bunch of people in Arkansas are not happy campers
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| (Some Guy) |
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85% of kid's drinks and snacks come with extra vitamin Pb
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Arizona decides to violate the Constitution, refuse to issue birth certificates to American-born children of illegal aliens
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Ten movie characters who can stop the oil spill
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| (Aviation Herald) |
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757 pilot somehow manages to take out nineteen edge lights on each side of the runway before continuing on hour-and-a-half flight. "The takeoff looked like a drunken horse departing"
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James Carville is a nutcase too vested in the New Orleans local spill problem to be objective. But damn he's funny
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Diving into and out of the sky: seriously cool photo of skydivers and the Space Shuttle
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Woman and son charged with dumping body parts into the river. Her husband is missing, but he's probably just on vacation or something
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Students welcome German visitors with a Nazi salute. Apparently, this is inappropriate
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Six global warming side effects that are awesome, such as keeping that inevitable ice age at bay
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The tough economy is forcing more and more people to go to back-alley, black market dentists
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Fark's weird news quiz: Horny nerd / trouser ferret edition (Bonus: easiest week yet)
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Lawyer who represented those harmed by the Exxon Valdez spill has some encouraging words for Gulf coast fishermen: ""If you were affected in Louisiana, to use a legal term, you are just f*cked"
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Maryland police officer killed at Applebee's. It was an irate customer, not the Cajun Lime Tilapia
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Hallucinogenic drinks, including salamander brandy, in which "the neurotoxins cause extreme sexual arousal for pretty much anything handy-whether that's another person, a tree, kitchen appliance or a woodland creature"
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Rude Britania: Contrary to their stiff upper lip image, the British are more interested in jokes about a stiff you-know-what
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After 45 years, Houston wonders what to do with the 8th wonder of the world
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| (Some Guy) |
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"We're losing more of our freedoms every time you pass one of these silly things."Like the freedom not to die in a fire?
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While you properly followed the instructions in bringing a gun to a gunfight, points will be deducted for subsequently tossing it to your opponent
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Sure, let's spend millions of dollars to fix what isn't broken: Entrepreneur proposes replacing stop signs with a yield sign with "Take Turns" written above it
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Dutch government to unemployed women: We'll pay for a makeover and a dating service so you can snag a husband and get off welfare
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SCO's business model of spending millions on lawyer fees on a hopeless case is about to bear fruit, as long as that fruit is a durian
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Unaccustomed as I am to public drunkeness, I will simply say: Twin Cities Fark Party, Saturday, June 12th 7pm at The Terminal Bar in NE Minneapolis
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It turns out Arlington National Cemetery is being managed more like a Burlington Coat Factory
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So...this is a picture of Batman pregnant with Superman's baby. There's not much more to say
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Masked teen stalking in a park is found carrying knife, rope, duct tape, a padlock and chain, gloves, a dolphin vibrator, penis ring, lubricant and condoms. Defense lawyer: "He didn't do anything"
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Here's a headline you don't read every day: Man trapped by fallen water buffalo head
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Forget the birds, the fish, the fisherman, the lives lost...the oil disaster is taking its toll on beach weddings. WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE BEACH WEDDINGS??
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| (Radio Australia) |
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Rare Australian rodent, thought wiped out by brushfires, is upgraded from "extinct" to "apparently fireproof"
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Iron Photoshop ingredient: beer
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| (Lee Majors) |
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Excellent collection of vintage lunch boxes. Who didn't want a Bionic Man lunch box?
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| (times live) |
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Some headlines write themselves: "Cow seduces Indonesian man"
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| (WOKV) |
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Jacksonville residents saddened by their fair city only being runner-up in the "dumbest city in America" ranks
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| (Some Farkistani) |
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It's Friday. You're stuck at work. Join your fellow farkers in Cybernations and blow up some imaginary people before you crack and blow up some real ones
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North Korea is a place where bananas and tangerines are a luxury and watching lice leave the corpse of a starvation victim is light street entertainment
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Austin man described as "kind of like MacGyver" to have his three-level underground lair built with car strut wall supports and empty car battery cinder blocks infilled with concrete by City
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Dear Judge, thank you for sentencing me to life in prison. As a token of appreciation, you are now in my will. You will be given my radio, my TV, and my CORPSE
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TSGs Friday Photo Fun brings us yet another round of What's My Line. With some fine looking specimens. Contest ends at 6pm Eastern
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ABC opens up nominations for "People's Platelist" where you nominate your favorite local chef. No Kansas City, you're not allowed to nominate Len Dawson (Sponsored link)
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Mother of the year candidate forgets where she left her son
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| (KHQ) |
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Tequila 2, Tukwila 0
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| (Some Johnson) |
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Interview with man who fought off robber with a knife to his throat is replete with authentic frontier gibberish
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Svntyn kld drng clshs n Kyrgyzstn
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| (Some Jealous Cop) |
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Boy, 14, has half day off school, which he wisely uses to walk to principal's home and bang the principal's hot wife who also happens to be the mayor (w/pic hotness)
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Never bring a bucket of water to a weed-whacker fight
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| (Some Guy) |
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Australia's "Queen of the bikini" turns ninety. With pic of her in a bikini
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| (Some Chicken Lover) |
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The growingly widespread practice of urban farming with chickens has led to a new level of hell - hipster-approved "chicken cribs" that look like IKEA furniture
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| (Some Guy) |
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Finish this masterpiece in the making
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16-year old sailor fails in her attempt to become the youngest person lost at sea whilst attempting to circumnavigate the globe
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| (WBTV) |
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Derailed tanker car spills rubbing alcohol near South Carolina town. Residents evacuated on fears the locals would try to drink it
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NY's Gov. Paterson warns of anarchy, chaos if and when he shuts the state down next week. Talk about the blind leading the blind
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Pope defends celibacy for priests at Vatican rally. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means
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| (azfamily.com) |
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What's dumber than posting an ad on Craigslist saying you're willing to trade both your iPod and your weed for an iPad? Also posting a picture of your iPod and your weed
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Chuck Grassley wants to take our beer ingredients to clean the oil spill. Shiat just got real
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| Thu June 10, 2010 |
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During the interrogation with Peruvian police, van der Sloot admits knowing the location of Natalee Holloway's, Jimmy Hoffa's, Amelia Earhart's bodies
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Pilotless commercial airline flights. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?
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Pork industry tiring of "The Other White Meat" slogan. Come up with a new one (w/voting)
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Clowns kill guy on bus, but 100 real clowns protest, saying those clowns weren't real clowns. Clowns
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this rooftop photo session
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Wearing pantyhose provides effective protection against jellyfish. Finally, the excuse you've been looking for
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Google realizes Bing sucks
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US using bears to patrol Mexico border
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Georgia gubernatorial candidate would require all public K-12 schools to require proof of citizenship of students, hospitals would have to collect data on patients too
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| (WGN) |
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Wrigley Field To Be Renamed Enron Field For Cubs and White Sox BP Crosstown Classic
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| (Some Guy) |
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Power and water shut off at the home of 102-year-old woman, sending her to the hospital. Queue the Jacksonville Association of Firefighters to pay her bill ( Hero tag beats Florida tag for once)
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Dog leash longer than 2m? That'll be a £1,000 fine
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This week's congressional picnic featured genuine Chicago-style hot dogs from a restaurateur who knows how to make the overrated and overly-fussy meat salads on a bun
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Sometimes it's really, really tough to be a well-to-do gay recovering alcoholic sharing a sober summer rental house on Fire Island
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If your arm is caught under a furnace, just let it go, cause, man, it's gone
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The United States ranks 85th (below Cuba and China) in violence according to the global peace index, but is still better than Iraq -- which the United States is keeping violent just to look good
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You know how you say if you work at Dunkin Donuts you'll start hating donuts? Apparently it doesn't apply with Daycare
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"Don't put soda in that sippy cup," say researchers to dumbass parents who must have more thumbs than teeth
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Group of 51 German millionaires and billionaires volunteer to pay 10% "Rich Tax" on their income for 10 years to reduce national debt. Arbeit macht schuldenabbau?
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One million gallons of oil a day have been spewing into the Gulf since May, 5-6 times the size of the Exxon Valdez
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In what may be the stupidest corporate naming of an arena of all time, the concert venue at the Florida State Fairgrounds will now be known as the 1-800-ASK-GARY Amphitheater
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Philadelphia lawyer keeps getting beaten up in the courtroom
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Old and busted: United Breaks Guitars. New hotness: Delta Breaks Bicycles. Bonus Delta PR quote: "We don't do refunds"
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First they came for Helen Thomas and her outrageous statements. Who is next? Rush? Glenn Beck?
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The SEC introduces new "circuit breaker" rules to prevent the US stock market from being shocked by another "flash crash"
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Heroic Birthbagger-Patriot of the New Media, Victoria Jackson, admits she didn't vote until the 2002 election because "she didn't know how." Bonus: She claims she did it so she could "vote Clinton out of office"
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February 2010 - New Orleans Saints fans cry after Super Bowl win 40+ years in the making. June 2010 - Jeremy Roenick weeps on TV after the Blackhawks win a Cup 40+ years in the making - and then Mike Milbury has to act like a giant douche
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16-year-old girl attempting to be the youngest ever to circumnavigate the globe may end up setting a much more tragic record instead
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BP's "Look what a nice company we are" TV ad isn't running in the gulf states. A BP spokesman says this is because of the company's commitment to reduce the number of TVs destroyed by bricks and shotguns every year
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Executioner on Utah's firing squad says he's morally conflicted about his job. Just kidding. "I've shot squirrels I've felt worse about"
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News: Hot sex in a cold walk-in cooler at a jail results in the employee being sentenced to 30 days in jail. Fark: The time is to be served in the same jail
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| (Some Hippies) |
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Woodstock police wage war on drugs
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Pagan artifacts discovered in Israel. Druid aid flotilla expected to set sail from Ireland any day now
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Obama: EPA regulates greenhouse gases. Sen Murkowski: I disapprove. Obama: I veto your disapproval. Murkowski: I disapprove of your veto. Obama: You can't do that. Murkowski: Ah, sh*t
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Judge accepts "full responsibility" for driving drunk, which is code for dropped charges and a private reprimand from judges who didn't get caught
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I'm not sure what's going on so here are two dozen YouTube videos of people dancing alone to the 1996 Ginuwine hit 'Pony'
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| (KOCO) |
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Man struggling to understand why he was arrested after patrolling neighborhood wearing a dress and high heels while giving candy to children. Oh, and carrying an air pistol
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When asked in court if he was driving a stolen vehicle man says "I don't know if the owner [had] declared it stolen at that point." Law firms now competing to hire him
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Why is Fox News always so full of attacks?
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Columnist who just needs a real man to set her straight thinks that any male film critic who gave a bad review to Sex and the City 2 is a misogynist and should immediately apologize to Horseface, Flatchest, Leatherhide, and Saddlebags Magoo
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| (Some Guys) |
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Photoshop this roll down the runway
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| (This is Devon) |
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Producing enough breast milk to open your own dairy? Then why not sell it online?
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New military heat for Illinois GOP Senate candidate Mark Kirk regarding 'concerns' over 'partisan activities' during deployment. Also, he was never a member of the Archie Fan Club and he sold zero copies of GRIT
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When masturbating in your car at Target, please try to wear pants. Saying you were hot won't get you off. Also, leave your porn mags, panties, and "clear vessel that contained fluids" at home
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Most major universities get multi-million dollar bonuses from credit card companies that increase the more students use their cards. Which might be why Financial Management 101 never seems to be in the course catalog
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AP reporter dives at Deepwater Horizon site and reports first-hand on what he sees, including "stringy snotballs of oil underwater". With video & 500 pictures
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Pa. in no position to help cash-strapped state capitol. "The tooth fairy is not coming to bail Harrisburg out, neither is the cavalry," governor says
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Elderly couple denied right to run simple bed and breakfast for heterosexuals
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Baby Boomers name the next generation of suckers who will pay for their health care and social security while being forced to fight in needless wars and come home to find all entry-level employment has been outsourced
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The oil keeps spewing, the deficits keep rising, and our troops are in an endless war. But if you really want to get people in a small Iowa town riled up, just suggest painting over two water towers that read 'hot' and 'cold.'
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| (WTRF) |
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Today's police sketch fail brought to you by Steubenville, Ohio
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Lindsay Lohan''s SCRAM bracelet was activated after someone spilled booze on it, says the celeb's mother Dina, whose grip on reality is more tenuous than her daughter's
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Memo to Kelsey Grammer: Sometimes people tell lies on the internet
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It's only ONE DAY until the greatest football tournament IN THE WORLD. Hey, they're playing the Super Bowl in June now?
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Hawaii Election Official-"There is no birth certificate. There isn't one. It's like an open secret. Everyone in the government there knows this"
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The Apple iPad. Sure, it'll protect you from viruses and malware. Just don't threaten it directly, because, like hipsters, it's sort of nancy when it comes down to stuff like that
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Prince Charles says to save the world, we must follow the "Islamic way:" Hey, Chuck? Didn't your great-great-great- great-great-great-great- grandfather rape and pillage in the Crusades? Good times
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| (bookofodds.com) |
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Only 1 in 7 brides is a virgin on wedding night. Thanks, Charlie Sheen
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With the BP oil spill well in hand, New Orleans sheriff says illegal immigrants should not help with clean-up
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Residents of the Gulf Coast surprised to find that BP isn't handing out big checks willy-nilly to anyone who wants one
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New study suggests coffee may reduce risk of diabetes, urge to rip out co-worker's aorta
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A bunch of midgets are mad that a bunch of other midgets are on television using the word midget. Network responds by saying only the midgets use the word midget. How big of them
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In one of the most wasteful displays of tattoo ink ever witnessed, Chicago man displays his tribute to Rod Blagojevich
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Top NATO commander says it's time to slow things down in Afghanistan. Awesome. We haven't been there long enough yet
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| (Some Guy) |
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Court surprisingly has a problem with defendant's t-shirt depicting an elderly man's genitals. More formal tuxedo t-shirt is okay, though
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During break in his ongoing larceny trial, man exits courthouse, steals GPS and attempts to sell it back to its owner, resulting in his 40th arrest
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Young men more vulnerable to relationship ups and downs than women, according to the Institute for Guys Who Had Their Hearts Torn From Their Chests By Soul-Crushing Succubi
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Deadbeats from NYT article upset to be called deadbeats
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Russia fully supports UN sanctions against Iran. Well, except for these S-300 air-defense missiles that will be used to feed sick kids, or something
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Eight-year-old boy rescues five-year-old boy from drowning using the time-honored SpongeBob technique
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| (Some Guy) |
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Idiot interferes with accident assistance, gets tazed. Even stupider ACLU lawyer insists tazers are "subsitutes for gunblasts". Yeah, they probably should have just killed her, huh?
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I saw a turtle... taking pictures as it swam from Aruba to Florida
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Two-car crash leaves woman with 24-hour memory that makes her think it's 1994 everyday, reportedly offered to greenlight articles on Fark.com
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| (WEYI-NBC25) |
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Racoon invades morning show studio
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The five words that you'd never see if this story were from America: "police saw the funny side"
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FBI agents say Mexican security forces pointed guns at them when they tried to investigate shooting of a teen by a US border patrol agent. If only there was some phrase to describe an impasse between two armed groups
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Scientists working for the military develop "smart underpants" that they say could someday save lives. However it's not clear how many combat casualties the military actually suffers every year from atomic wedgies
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BP frantically tries to clean up...coffee. (some profanity)
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Couple wins $54,000 lawsuit after neighbours falsely claim that they are cool
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| (AZ) |
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You can't be in Arizona illegally, but you can still be a polygamist. All charges dropped against Warren Jeffs
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Ricky Martin will star in a new Broadway production of Evita. And you thought Madonna was a controversial choice
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Today's unusual food item used to smuggle cocaine through the airport: string beans
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The Empire State Building owner has no problem lighting it to honor China, blue M&Ms, Mariah Carey and the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." But he draws the line at Mother Theresa's 100th birthday
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My God, Bing threw up on Google
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TLC's Top 5 most disturbing series. "There's really no good excuse for why you should ever be watching Toddlers & Tiaras, unless you're listening to 'Goodbye Horses' and building a skin suit in your basement"
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Today's "13-year-old drops the C-bomb twice on national TV" video brought to you by the Today show
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| (This is Devon) |
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Burgling your house? No, I was looking for my albino ferret
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| (KFAB) |
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Nebraska man dies from a reptile dysfunction
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Porn machete murder suspect and subsequent suicide victim is now being fondly remembered as smelly and terrible at his job
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It's like grenaaaaaaaaaaaade, on your wedding day
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| (Some Guy) |
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Citing his previous whale expertise, Canadian politicians and biologists call in Shatner for advice on how to save wild salmon
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Officials shut down a street and evacuate a neighborhood after discovering a five-gallon barrel of rancid mayonnaise in an abandoned home. "They told her to grab what you need and get out as quick as you can"
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Take Your Daughter to Work Day is not a good idea if you're a drug dealer. "Smith told officers she has been in a financial bind and has been selling crack cocaine to make extra money. She also said that she was pregnant again"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this stoppage of play
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Man jails daughter in his home, fathers seven children with her, one of whom he also sexually abuses. Not a repeat from last year... no, seriously, it's not
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| (Some Guy) |
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Couple discovers that "It's a Small World After All" is more than just an annoying earworm
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Best. Student. Job. Ever
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Shoe found dating back 5,000 years. Its pristine condition suggests it probably spent most of the time stuffed in the back of a woman's closet
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If you are being stopped by a security guard at a Home Depot for shoplifting, your best chance of escape is not to tussle with him and twist his testicles. W/pic that will make your testicles cringe
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Officials report ankle-deep, mousse-like oil on a beach in Florida. So now we know where Pat Riley is vacationing this summer
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Scientist finds Happy was more creative, but Grumpy was a more attentive and careful thinker. Still no cure for dwarfism
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Scientists try to prove that women manipulate men with noises during sex. Trying to record the low guttural sounds emanating from your mom is tough, even for scientists
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 266: "By the Numbers." Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed June 09, 2010 |
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After four years, Army finally agrees to pay soldier for leg lost in Iraq. Soldier stumped as to why it took so long
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Four Christian lawyers who vowed to be God's "Judicial Ambassadors" lose the election. Help, we're being oppressed
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No matter how desperate you get in your search for a husband, repeatedly calling 911 is not the answer
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94-year-old child molester caught "in a garage that did not belong to him with a running vacuum cleaner attached to his genital area." Proceeds to make pass at mugshot camera
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Photoshop this Ruckus
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| (Biloxi Sun Herald) |
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If you're a cop, the last place you should keep your kiddie porn is on your police department laptop
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So the moral of this story is: if the FBI pays you $15,000 for mudering a girl in Aruba, don't spend it to murder a girl in Peru
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Dozens of genetic mutations linked to autism and Jenny McCarthy discovered
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"Yes, I beat my girlfriend, threw her out into the street naked then tortured her - but it's because I'm trying to quit smoking." Judge - "Not guilty"
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With so many celebrities wanting to help with the oil spill, Samuel Jackson finally finds his particular niche
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| (The Weather Network) |
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You heard it here first: 9.0 Earthquake Warning for West Coast
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Stowaway survives flying in the landing gear of a 747. Or, as airlines in the U.S. call it, an upgrade
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Actually, the iPad is quite bad at preventing leaks
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Jailed Italian man claims convicted killer Amanda Knox is innocent, accuses his own brother. What a twist
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Applications for mortgages hit 13 year low on news that people without jobs can't afford a mortgage. Wait, isn't that what got us in the mess to begin with?
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Drunk driver says he was distracted by alligator in his headlights. What a croc
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North Korea to the UN Security Council: Don't debate or even think about the South Korean ship sinking or you'll regret it because we're crazier than a rat in a coffee can
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| (Eater) |
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At a US Denny's, you can enjoy overcooked eggs at 2 a.m. with your drunken friends. At a Japanese Denny's, you can enjoy "New Zealand Beef topped with foie gras and sliced truffles, served with a red wine demi-glace reduction"
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Dear USA, Please stop stealing our culture. Love, London. PS: Harry Potter is ours. Don't Touch
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Student that was arrested and expelled from Harvard for falsifying his entire application has been accepted at Stanford for the upcoming school year
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Israelis propose "reverse flotilla" to deliver large quantities of chutzpah to Kurds and Armenians in Turkey
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Shorties at higher risk for heart problems, noogies
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Taco Bell is trying to get the US Mint to bring back the $2 bill in order to help them promote their new combos
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Delta is Changeling the way we think about sending our kids on vacation
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The "too hot to be a banker" woman is more artificially pumped up than the mid-2000s housing bubble
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Debt collectors exploiting legal loophole to jail debtors. Bonus: Bail conveniently set at alleged debt amount. Bonus bonus: Cases usually dropped after bail is posted
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If you have a slight limp, are missing some fingers, have tickets to the G8/G20 summits, and bought 3500 pounds of Ammonium Nitrate, the RCMP would really, really, like to talk to you
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Head of the WHO says the whole H1N1 pandemic panic was because of the potential death, carnage and human suffering, not because of her links to pharmaceutical companies. Honest
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Descartes letter returned, therefore no crime
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Who is to blame for the BP oil leak? Bill Clinton of course
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Wheelchair-bound man drinking in front of a bar gets in a fight with the bouncer, shoots at him, and then disappears. That's just how he rolls
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Fired talk-show host who who went on the airwaves to ridicule a mural depicting minority students at an Arizona school now blames the school and the artists for not fully educating him about the mural. "That might have helped clue me"
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... if The Empire Strikes Back had been made in the '50s
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| (Some Numbers Guy) |
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A ladder to the moon made of LEGO would require about 1.1 quadrillion bricks, with the materials alone costing $51 trillion
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| (bookofodds.com) |
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1 in 20 marriages take place in Vegas. No telling how many survive the trip home
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England and US make friendly World Cup wager. We propose higher stakes: if you lose, you give up blood pudding forever. If the US loses, we shoot Lady Gaga into the sun
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British government funds course to teach teenagers how to walk in high heels, to better prepare them for entering the "job" market
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Frontrunner in next week's Belgian national elections is running on an unusual platform: namely, dissolving the nation altogether
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| (Some Swingin' Guy) |
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Britain's oldest swingers something something. You aren't clicking after the first three words, anyway
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this industrious North Korean student
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Couple plans to live at the San Diego fair, surviving on nothing but dried dates, bottled water and the malk from two lactating camels, ensuring plenty of vitamin R
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| (ProJo.com) |
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Refugee families relocate to the US where God promptly makes them refugees again
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Finding the secret room in your new house isn't nearly as cool as you thought it would be as a kid
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Apparently no longer worried about the possibility of Hamas weaponizing high fructose corn syrup or trans-fats, Israel removes soda, juice, jam, spices, shaving cream, cookies and candy from its list of blockaded items
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Hot 18 year old Aussie girl seeking plastic surgery to make her feel young again, presumably at Dr P.D Bears clinic for the too old
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Three year old girl survives car accident, turns into Lindsay Lohan
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Note to criminals: trying to separate a woman from her designer handbag is not as easy as you think
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| (WDRB Fox 41) |
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In a brilliant money-saving tactic, Churchill Downs decides to cut all non-essential expenses -- including $7,400 hotel tabs for complete strangers who don't work at Churchill Downs
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Responding to public outrage, Boston firemen agree to smaller pay increase in return for showing up to work sober
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| (KVOA4) |
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Fellas, if you actually managed to get rid of your wife for the weekend, don't just stay around the house with her anyways. Especially if she's dead
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Everest has been conquered, the South Pole has been reached and the English channel has been swum, but nobody has yet succeeded in crossing Finland in a small Chinese digger
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| (Catford News Shopper) |
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Summer is upon us, and the annual war between killer crows and scantily-dressed pensioners rages once more
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Christian school fires teacher for conceiving before she got married
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Water added to the list of things that cannot cure cancer
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Airlines introduce seatbelt-mounted airbags to keep us conscious during 16-G decelerations, so we can enjoy more of a crash than just the initial impact
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Vast UFO cover-up described by credible unbiased nuclear physicist who is in no way trying to sell his new book about UFO conspiracies
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If you want to win the weightlifting competition, it's best not to projectile vomit on the judge moments before passing out
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| (Some Guy) |
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Cop interrupts you having sex? That's a taserin'
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Ah summer time, when the media whips up fear-inducing stories about the return of sharks, lawn mowers, Speedos, mosquitoes... wait, what? Speedos? (eyebleach warning: Rod Stewart, Simon LeBon)
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| (Kick-Ass Infographic) |
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Cool infographic shows tons of factoids while descending from the top of Mt. Everest to the floor of the Mariana Trench. Wheeee
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these squareheads
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National Geographic's top geneticist claims that humanity's invention of agriculture was the worst idea ever, making Homo sapiens sedentary, fat, and mentally ill
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Study from the Romero Institute shows half of men exaggerate cold symptoms, but women are more likely to mention minor ailments on a daily basis
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| (Some Guy) |
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Thanks to Arizona's illegal immigration law, doctors there could be arrested for treating an illegal immigrant
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Dog's jaws lock together after eating mail sealed shut by envelope glue. Your dog wants mmmfffphhhhrmm
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14 year old throws rocks at border guard. They respond proportionately and calmly. Just kidding, they shot him dead
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| Tue June 08, 2010 |
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You may now sleep it off in your vehicle without fear of arrest
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Photoshop this sneaky nun
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"I would like the firing squad, please." No word yet how the marksmen will miss his two giant brass balls
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Vital travel tip for Adultery Tourists: In Saudi Arabia it's legal if the woman breastfeeds you
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Proving that educators recycle lesson plans to save time, a 4th grade teacher really reaches into the back of the filing cabinet and uncovers a worksheet dated in the year 1792
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Leak reveals that China's first astronaut returned drenched in blood. First thought: Mutant space leeches. Second thought: clean him up for a photo-op
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"The rig's on fire! I told you this was gonna happen!"
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According to author's new book, sometimes "f--- it, life sucks and I'm having a beer" really is the best way to go
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The underwater Gulf oil plumes that did exist, then didn't exist, then still didn't exist, now exist
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Tacky gifts force evacuation of government building
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| (US News) |
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CNBC anchor on Obama's 'kick ass' remark: "OH WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN"
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Some do's and don'ts of how you can really help out with the Gulf oil spill. Do spread awareness on Facebook. Don't boycott BP gas stations
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Galileo's middle finger goes in display in Italian museum. Curators oriented it so that it's facing the Vatican, for old time's sake
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| (Contemporist) |
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Photoshop... umm... whatever the hell this girl is doing
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Six companies that make money solving problems they made up
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Osama bin Laden is hiding in Iran according to intelligence sources, Dick Cheney's wet dream
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Flotilla paintball attacks, an idea so crazy that even Hamas and Hezbollah think it's nuts, and Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 5/30 - 6/5
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British punk band Criminal Mind arrested after police discovered illegal immigrants hiding in their speakers. DUDE THAT IS SO HARDCORE
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Not news: Man shoots dog. News: His friend's dog. FARK: He stole his friend's gun to shoot his friend's dog
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Duck named Hoisin nests in garden centre's hanging basket display to hatch offspring. Let's hope they don't pancake plum onto the ground when they are peking out of the nest
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| (Some Guy) |
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Using the best police-mathematicians money can buy, the RIAA has determined LimeWire owes them $1.5 trillion
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Swiss MP's from the PP and SD team up to tell the US FU over UBS deal
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Some in the Senate are worried that removing a tax break on billionaire Wall Street money managers may cripple them, leaving them weak and defenseless like an oil-covered bird. You wouldn't hurt an oil-covered bird, would you?
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Blagojevich lawyers file last minute motion to exclude the wiretaps of him plotting crimes by arguing that the government shouldn't "criminalize free speech"
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Debt settlement companies defend their business model: "American consumers shouldn't have to pay back their debts, and we shouldn't have to be regulated. Fair is fair"
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| (NBC NewYork) |
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There is a new evil supervillain in town, and his name is Draco Slaughter (w/mugshot)
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Some women try to induce labor by climbing steps, exercising, or by having sex. Still others go for the untraditional 'have your father-in-law's girlfriend shock you multiple times with a stun gun in the kitchen.'
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News: People protesting the mosque near ground zero verbally attack two Egyptian men. Fark: Who turn out to be Christians who were also protesting
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Canadian courts attempting to determine whether Muslim woman should be forced to remove veil before testifying about forced removal of panties
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French president calls for a specially trained force of midget bodyguards
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| (WBZ) |
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Ship sets out hoping to find a few clams, ends up discovering a lost WWI relicoontouched since 1920's, complete with full cannisters of mustard gas
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Now that they've taken care of their illegal problem, Arizonans set about dealing with the next enemy: kilometers
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Alabama residents will be happy to know that the Magnolia River will be protected from oil sludge by miles of red tape
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| (Some Guy) |
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Remember Reuters photoshopping pics from Gaza? Well, they're at it again
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Virus linked to genital warts may affect outcome of throat cancer. Subby's wife strangely unaffected
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Glenn Beck endorses book you'll Nazi in stores anytime soon
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Don't bring a fake gun to a real machete fight
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not news: Man gets ticket. Still not news: Man goes online to pay it. Fark: Man instead buys the web-domain hosting the police's website and turns it into an anti-speed camera site
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"Mr Fowler will collect the MBE from the Queen at an investiture ceremony at Buckingham Palace on Wednesday in a suit made to resemble a cow"
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If a 10-car train travels to over half a dozen stations on a Monday morning along the green line during a weekday in June...how long before the train operator realizes the limit on cars is only 8?
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I can haz cat parasite?
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