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| Sun March 14, 2010 |
| (Some Drink Enthusiast) |
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BEEP....... BEEP....... BEEP....... Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
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Fatty Fatty Fatty McFatterson, woman who weighs over 600 lbs is trying to GAIN 400 lbs in the next two years to become fattest woman on the planet, or perhaps a planet herself
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Girls ordered to spend weekends with sex offender father. But it's okay... the judge said they could have a lock on their bedroom door
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Photoshop these sprinting sausages
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Chinese fluoride pulled over fears that it may be contaminating our precious bodily fluids
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Pro tip: When you rob a cabbie, always shoot him six times, because five times won't do it. He'll still kick your ass and hold you down until the cops get there
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Mother Nature spins the earthquake wheel, and it comes up....wait for it....northern Japan, congratulations Japan, have fun with that 6.6 magnitude shaker
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Sisters' argument leads to hair pulling. It's not news, it's ... no really, it's not news
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President Ditka?
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| (Some Clown Hater) |
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The typical traffic stop in Portland includes guns, marijuana, five knives, a machete, stun gun, handcuffs, a bail bondsman badge, an open container of Captain Morgan rum and one...clown mask
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Police spokesman refuses to answer reporter's question because it was originally asked in a blog. So we can accurately report: Knoxville police department does not deny it runs speed traps purely for revenue
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Comcast founder celebrates 90th birthday. Party to begin Thursday between 9 am and 5 pm; cake is free for first three months
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Fired for giving your boyfriend free samples at work? Well, the court might take you seriously if your work was actually legal, which prostitution isn't
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The state that brought you to your knees as the leader in rigged homeowner loans and appraisals is riding high on the next wave of global Ponzi goodness: homeowners and hurricane insurance
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| (Racialicious) |
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The US median wealth, sans vehicle, of single white women: $41,500. Single black men: $7,900. Single hispanic or black women: $100. Post racial society: Priceless
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American Humanist Association pledges $20,000 for lesbian friendly prom. I said prom, not por--you've already clicked haven't you?
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| (Florida Today) |
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Church has twice-monthly services in a pub, leading to the question: WWJDrink?
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Bridesmaid's dress stolen hours before wedding. Subby calls shenanigans, since everyone knows that there's never been a bridesmaid's dress that's been worth stealing
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| (WTAE) |
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Guy gets arrested for trying to break into neighbor's house and steal her panties. Decides that going on local news and showing where he lives and works is a good idea Bonus: He lives in Beaver County
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| (WLBZ2.com) |
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At over $75,000 each, they must be some damn good potatoes
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And the "Most Inappropriate Image with Story" award this week goes to news.com.au
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| (KUDA 1610) |
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Buying legal firearms? That's illegal
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Did the CIA test LSD in the New York City subway system? "The experiment was pretty shocking - shocking that the CIA and the Army would release LSD like that, among innocent unwitting folks"
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He is a Renaissance Man, with two platinum albums, acting roles in seven different films, and a burgeoning political career. And if you disagree, he's more than capable of beating the everliving crap out of you
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Having fixed all other problems, Detroit city employees banned from wearing strong scents
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| (Some Guy) |
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Finally, a way to stop your neighbor's dog from keeping you awake all night, and it only costs $0.44
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π, 3.14159265358979..., (V = 4/3 πr3), (223/71 π 22/7): Either way you cut it, it's π . Mmmmm, π
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Besides being nuts, what did the Pentagon and Vegas courthouse shooters have in common? They got their guns from the Memphis police department
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Today's 'dumbest question of the day' is brought to you by Slate
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this nut nabber
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| (KOCO) |
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A tree branch is not legal tender, even if it is "the last tree in the universe," and throwing a brick through the jail window when they refuse to accept your twig isn't smart either. Meth, what can't it do?
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Germany to open 18km clothing optional hiking trail. It's not nudes, it's Fark
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| (Some Guy) |
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Founder of 9/11 Truth activist organization "We Are Change" appears to have embezzled $10,000 to pay his college tuition. Or so they want you to believe
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After a night of binge drinking and strippers, young Britons are being invited to work off their hangovers with lap dancers at a Nazi death camp
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| (Some Guy) |
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Woman killed by subway train while trying to retrieve bag from tracks. Police to question bag as an accessory
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One hundred and thirty one years ago, the greatest physicist in history was born. Happy birthday to Albert Einstein
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Behind the eyes of this mild senior citizen is the Baby of Bataan. Went to war at 14, POW for four years, sunk twice, survived a cave-in, narrowly missed Nagasaki. Relevant quote: "I can get you a birth certificate"
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WASP (Women Airforce Service Pilots) of World War 2 finally recognized after 60 years with the Congressional Gold Medal. Subby has something in his eye
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If you're a judge, it's probably not a good idea to mouth off to the officer writing you a traffic ticket
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| (WMTW.com) |
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Where does a 6 foot, 400-lb woman hide $26,000 in cash? I don't know, but I'm not going in for it
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| (Some Guy) |
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Unnamed undercover wildlife trapper captures 9-foot python (w/ pic). In other news, Florida has undercover wildlife officers
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| (Some Guy) |
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Snicker-inducing headline of the day: "Robot helps stroke patients in Portland"
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According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), the likelihood of a woman dying in childbirth in the US is five times greater than in Greece
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this clearcut on wheels
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| Sat March 13, 2010 |
| (Some Guy) |
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The ten weirdest places on Earth. With awesome pics
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Geez. You go on television in Georgia, falsely report that Russian tanks have invaded Tblisi and the country's president is dead, and all hell breaks loose
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| (OC Register) |
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When are you able to get three DUI's in one year and still get to keep your job? When you're a cop, that's when
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Apologist on the U.S. Catholic Church's child abuse problem: 4% of priests abused children, sure, but that may be less of a problem than for almost any other profession (without citing data)
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| (Some Guy) |
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RIP Theodore C. Olbermann, 1929-2010
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Which way do we turn the clock? Trust the headline
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The secret to having happy employees? Fire the unhappy ones
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| (Some Guy) |
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Walmart fires Associate of the Year, cancer patient for medical marijuana use
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You know how I know you're gay? You spend $5900/yr. to attend an online "GLBTQ" high school
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Dog growls contain specific information - probably like "Ruh roh" and "Timmy's down the well."
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Lesbian discharged from the Air Force under "Don't Ask Don't Tell" when a bigot cop in South Dakota saw her marriage license and felt it was his duty to out her
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| (Mequon Now) |
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$352 fine + citation + court appearance date = some Wisconsin's library's response to woman who returned three books too late
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Photoshop this green scene
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IRS sends two dark-suited agents to car wash to hand-deliver notice of 4¢ delinquency
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New York City cabbies cheat customers out of millions every year. By the way, the sun comes up in the morning, and air is free
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What do Arkansas, Oklahoma, Idaho and Utah all have in common? They loves to marry their wimmenfolk off good and early
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If you're one of the 2.5 million innocent people NYPD stopped and frisked over the last 5 years, don't worry, you're still in their computer system
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Put a Spork in it, it's done. Supposedly vicious weiner dog gets six months of doggy probation
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Protip: the free wi-fi at your local coffeehouse should not be used to share kiddie porn
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South San Francisco will refund $3.1 million to drivers because Simon didn't say "use cameras to ticket drivers who run red lights"
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NJ town wants Mystery Knitter to apply for permit, clearly infringing on her constitutional right to keep and bear yarn
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Another blue-eyed, blonde haired "Jihad Jane" pops up, with a "yeah, I think I would, she has the crazy eyes" pic
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Wife of Pentecostal minister locks self in room for weeks to fast and be with God. Husband never bothers to check, since she was in the Lord's hands. Guess how that worked out?
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Print journalists quit local paper to create a second print newspaper for town of 4,000. Will presumably branch out and create VHS store and telegraph office next
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| (Some Guy) |
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Fishing is a lot easier when the fish try to jump into your net because they're trying to escape a 12-foot crocodile (w/ pic)
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| (Some Guy) |
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At what point did this teacher think writing "Loser" on a sixth-grader's writing assignment was a good idea?
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Problem: urban high school only has 4% reading at grade level. Solution: make school eight hours long, no girls, and give every student a wristwatch. Proof: Every single graduating senior has been accepted to college
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| (Some Guy) |
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Australia may lower the blood alcohol limit for motorists to .02, meaning they'd returned to the good old days when 98% of the residents were prisoners
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| (Bangor Daily News) |
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They take lobster seriously up in Maine
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Man walks in on his girlfriend having sex with two other men and kills all three of them. Subby liked how this scenario ended last night on Cinemax better
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Last week: drinking may help reduce weight gain. This week: Put down the beer, fatty
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Protip: When special ed students start giving up on your school district, you just might have a problem
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One in ten British children believe that the Queen invented the telephone. The remaining 90% think that she will, she will, rock you
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Henry Kissinger, how we're missin' you, and wishing you were here
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In one of those stories where it's hard to feel sorry for anyone, a Houston lawyer gets scammed out of $182,000 then sues Citibank for 'letting it happen'
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| (Poughkeepsie Journal) |
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Former NY high school student awarded $1.25m for being picked on. ""His high school years were destroyed...The jury found he endured 3 years of living hell." In other news, every Farker on the planet has lawyered up
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Photoshop this photoshoot
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| (Online Sentinel.com) |
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Goin' to a goat show, everybody. Goin' to a goat show, come on now
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Passed out in an idling car with your 9-year-old daughter in the back is no way to go through life, son
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A Chicken McNugget has seven ingredients -- and that's just the meat. You don't even want to know about the Filet-O-Fish
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Mayor rescues kitten just in time for Caturday. "I change light bulbs for elderly people, I unblock drains and I rescue cats. It is part of being the mayor of a super city"
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Your mother sews socks that smell
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Don't you hate it when your car gets towed? It's even worse when you're a funeral director and the car that just got towed still had a body inside
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Lawyer makes the case that CIA drone operators are unlawful combatants
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Britain has spent £190,000 in an unsuccessful twelve year battle to wipe out the country's only termite colony. Apparently don't know that they could have flown in a whole team of Orkin men for 1/10th the price
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We're getting close to tax filing time, and the question remains: If you anonymously donate $8000 worth of pot, do you still need to fill out a form 8283?
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I'm sorry, since we don't charge a lot for this particular dish, you cannot take your leftovers home with you. Sincerely, the management
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| (wkmg) |
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If you must impersonate a police officer, make sure you dont have a job that would make you easily recognizable. Like TV news anchor
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Man stops two teenagers from stealing beer from his restaurant. Police arrive and arrest the two yobs. Nah just kidding, they arrest the restaurant owner for assault and battery and let the boys go
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| (Some Square) |
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Photoshop this sweeping soldier
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Everyone can finally breathe easy now. A Texas man is sentenced to 35 years for 5 ounces of pot
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| Fri March 12, 2010 |
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US Court of Federal Claims rules that thimerosal-based vaccines could not have caused autism. States that claims are "was biologically implausible and scientifically unsupported". Well, that should settle everything then, right?
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| (Sum Guy) |
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Math Teacher sentenced to [-C+π²+πlog(9/4),(-2+2e+8e²)/e] months ∈ (the prison population) for corruption of individual x where age(x) is less than 17
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Just in case you needed more proof the Obama administration is Anti-American
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Why so serious? Because an experimental National Zoo bat colony was wiped out
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Women on the pill may live longer, sluttier
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Your usual tipping debate thread, except with strippers
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"The drive along eerily empty ghost freeways into the ruins of inner-city Detroit is an Alice-like journey into a severely dystopian future"
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"...police found marijuana between his buttocks"
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NJ cops use dead deer as bait in sting operation to catch a large feline that apparently drops ten-dollar bills
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Beheaded Vikings found in mass grave unearthed at Olympics construction site in London. Well, damn, I know they choked away the NFC Championship Game, but that's kinda harsh
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Flagstaff, Arizona has gotten more snow this winter than Anchorage, Alaska, and Buffalo, N.Y., combined
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It's the ultimate battle between Marvel and DC in this week's Smoking Gun mugshots
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RE: Female teachers doing their students - "They may be having a transitional crisis in their lives and welcome the admiration of a student who essentially puts them on a pedestal" (and then drills them mercilessly)
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Glenn Beck tells viewers to boycott "churches that preach economic and social justice." Conservative evangelical preacher advises people boycott the Crying One, and challenges Beck to a debate
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| (Some Whipple) |
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Woman accused of stealing 500 rolls of toilet paper from her employer; she tried to talk her way out of it with security, but she wasn't charmin enough
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News: College student cries discrimination after University denies class field trip. Fark: Age discrimination
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Full body scans mean nothing to Palm Beach TSAers. The problem is stinky feet
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The milkman is returning, which is great news for shut-ins, horny housewives, not such good news for little Karen. I hate you, Milkman Dan
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Photoshop this wintry walk
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Today's "child stuck in a vending machine" story comes to you from Perth, Australia
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Step right up and claim your prize Cincinnati. You are the craziest city in America
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Today's needless fearmongering article to parents: going down a slide with your child on your lap can break their leg
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| (Some Villain) |
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Supervillain Smackdown - Joker vs Green Goblin
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Rudolph the Cadmium-nosed reindeer....had an atomic number 48 nooooose
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Because they couldn't contend with all the spectators, the Nanny State shuts down the famous Gloucester downhill cheese rolling race after 200 years of pratfall amusement
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In the wake of "Jihad Jane" the media asks, 'Is the Internet the Devil?'
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Newspaper runs pic of two gays kissing, readers freak out. Counter-freakout ensues as messages of support roll in: "Those I've received are running more than 10-to-1 in support of the decision to run the photo"
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Remember the silly story about the zebra trotting around downtown Atlanta? Well that zebra was euthanized. Enjoy your weekend
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Confessions of a redhead Las Vegas escort. (A 6'3", 247 pound, 47-year-old gay bear redhead Las Vegas escort.)
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TSGs Friday Photo Fun. Who got shot here? Contest ends at 6pm Eastern
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Joe Biden punishes Israel for its plans to build more settlements by showing up late to dinner with the Prime Minister
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NJ man runs across tracks to catch a train. Catches it smack in the face
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Experts say that American doctors are over-testing and over-treating their patients. But how else will my kid get unlimited time on their SATs if I don't have them checked for Restless Leg Syndrome?
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| (Northern VA) |
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"We don't want the public to think it's okay to purchase pets from a pet store and make clothing out of them"
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New Zealand man run over by wife. Fark: Twice
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You may want to reconsider your choice of a guru if he forces you to drink snail mucus
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| (Some Librarians) |
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In a novel and long overdue attempt to preserve the Florida tag for future generations, Florida moves funding for public libraries from non-fiction to fiction section of the state budget
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Photoshop this ring of fire
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| (Columbus Dispatch) |
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Retiree says he punched kids in Wal-Mart because it was fun. Police: "He told us it was because they were unable to defend themselves"
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Owners lock would-be car thief inside vehicle until cops arrive. "So every time he tried to get out of the car, the owners just kept hitting the lock button on their key fob, and eventually he gave up trying to get out"
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Recent idiotic bar raids over beer registration prompt a legislative hearing plus a charity run "to highlight the need for the state Legislature to reform the antiquated PA liquor laws." And to drink beer while running
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RIAA amps up their efforts to squeeze more blood from the stone that is terrestrial radio
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| (Some Guy) |
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Dutch nurses' union demands the right to refuse to have sex with patients who request it. In other news, "Hellooooooo verpleegster"
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Blast in Lahore takes at least 39 lives, costs extra
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Bad: You call the police to report a suspected burglar. Good: It was only your boyfriend, planning a romantic surprise. Bad: They arrest him anyway
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Worker wedged between two giant rolls of paper, newspaper prints his story on page 1, 9, 17 ...
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Having run out of things to report on, columnist asks: Will a chihuahua actually eat Taco Bell?
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Man falls asleep while cooking bacon, finds image of Jesus burned into the pan when he wakes up. Your God wants pork
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From the 'So Sad It's Cute' department: Elderly woman afraid to jaywalk has to take a 14 mile bus ride just to visit the shops across the street from her home
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Jesus freak, out in the street, creating websites threatening Elton John's life
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Principal refuses to back high school students petitioning to get President Obama to speak at their graduation because he worried about student safety and parent complaints
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If you have ever wanted to see what the world's largest house of cards looks like, today is your lucky day
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While living on campus, you probably should not have ammo for your 9mm handgun shipped to your dorm. Also, having a gun is bad, too. Who knew?
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Headless body will not appear in topless magazine
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this over-enthusiastic cheerleader
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Criminal mastermind takes a vehicle for a test drive, makes a copy of the key, returns later and steals the vehicle, all while forgetting that the car dealer (and now the police) had his address
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Tragedy today, as school teacher Candice Berner was eaten by wolves. She was delicious
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| (Some Iowan) |
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Man orders food at a McDonald's drive-thru, gets out of his car and tries to rob the cashier, who gets punched in the face after he refuses to give the man any money. It should be noted this happened at 4:20 central time
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U.S. Army Ranger Captain, Silver Star recipient, loses his Army career because Higher Headquarters didn't allocate him enough resources. Seems fair, right?
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| Thu March 11, 2010 |
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Man stops shooting rampage by hitting gunman with a barstool, tells reporters, "I basically kept hitting him until he wasn't moving anymore"
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Female reporter says she doesn't feel like a woman when she's abroad
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In the battle between Glenn Beck, and a small poodle, that small poodle was on the verge of winning, and that's when Facebook pulled the plug
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Speaking of health care, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's wife and daughter seriously injured in car accident
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this moment before the fall
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Good news, victims of Agent Orange. The VA has a new initiative to solicit input on a proposed fast-track claims process for exposure during Vietnam. You'll be long dead before this ever happens, but hey
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Woman at bus stop arrested for assaulting, spitting on police officer. Er, wait: Flip it and reverse it
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"Runaway" Prius driver faked the whole thing to pay off debts
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| (Some Guy) |
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No skin in the game: 52 million (36%) of all tax returns pay $0 tax (and many of those get a check from the IRS)
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Tattoos give you super powers. At least that's what they believe in Thailand. And Angelina Jolie's house
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| (Some Guy) |
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Thy wit is a very bitter sweeting, it is a most sharp sauce
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According to the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office, Obama's health reform initiative will increase the deficit by $118 billion. What's that? I'm sorry, that's DECREASE the deficit by $118 billion
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Thieves steal beloved hamster from school for children with autism. Students describe hamster as 18.375 cm long, weighs 197.901 grams, eats 10.34 grams of sunflower seeds per day, and has 15,728 hairs on its body
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| (Some Guy) |
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High school who cancelled prom so the ACLU wouldn't sue them is now being sued by the ACLU
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"ALL RIGHT THIS IS A ROBBERY HAND OVER ALL YOUR MONEY, JEWELRY, AND.....THAT COSMO"
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Coulrophobia is no laughing matter for Johnny Depp and Sean "Diddy" Combs. This and other phobias from Hollyweird (slide show)
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Man fed up with his high water bill does the only logical thing: he torches his home. Fark: the bill was for $70
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Tiger Woods to make return at the Arnold Palmer Invitational in two weeks, and has hired ex-Bush aide Ari Fleischer for image control
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Toronto bottled water company celebrates "Bottled Water Free Day" by distributing free bottled water just to irritate environmentalists
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Best video proving theory that yes, your hair will freeze if you jump out of a hot tub and run outside into -12 degree temperatures
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Schoolboard member under fire for calling a small group of chronically disruptive students 'hoodlums.' "They might be disruptive. They might be in gangs. They might be many things, but they are not hoodlums."
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State of Michigan spends $1.15 million to develop novel Web application that lets users create their own space to keep in touch with friends and family. Why didn't someone thing of that before?
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Whoever said, "There's no harm in asking," clearly never submitted a request under the Indian government's Right to Information Act
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'Net Posse Tracked 'Jihad Jane' for Three Years
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The British couldn't silence USS Constitution's guns, and a bunch of stupid angry neighbors won't either
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| (Rambo, 3rd Grade Teacher) |
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The U.S. Department of Education is buying some much needed supplies: calculators, pens, paper, text books, 27 short barrelled shot guns, gym equipment, backpacks, crayons
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Breakfast tacos represent the pinnacle of Man's domination over deliciousness
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All the cool atheists are becoming Buddhists
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Wait, Madonna is on Seinfeld's new show, the Marriage Ref? Hasn't she been married like 37 times?
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In case you were wondering, shooting six of your co-workers is cause for termination
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Exploring one of California's most peculiar mysteries: Why do so many Chinese restaurants also sell donuts?
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Dublin, Ireland just got a leprechaun museum? You'd think they would have been on that already
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| (Some Lalique Liker) |
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Photoshop this Lalique piece
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The US Dollar? What is that, like 97 cents Canadian?
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I'm just saying, some people just have that "registered sex offender" look about them
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NY lawmaker achieves the piNaCle of stupid
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Suspect in Auschwitz sign theft to be extradited to Poland, where he will hopefully be able to work off his sentence somehow
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| (Some Guy) |
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Student suspended from school for saying no to drugs. Wait, what?
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Zombie elephant growing larger and stronger by the day and clueless Australian authorities are doing nothing to stop it
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7.2 magnitude earthquake stirs Chile
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Sydney school discovers that they really shouldn't be keeping autistic children in cages. I don't think so. No. Definitely not
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| (Bit Rebels) |
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Geeks can now roam the streets in their own QWERTY keyboard car
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Man breaks into church to watch porn. I don't know how many "hail Marys" that one must take, but it's got to be a lot
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Fake dentist arrested for giving patient lead fillings
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Kansas City closes half its schools, most of which it wasn't using anyway
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New school gym features locker rooms that allow people in the hall to watch the showers. "The first time a person looks in there and sees a naked kid we're going to have a problem"
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Tasteful Israeli supermarket ad parodies Dubai assassins. Offers killer prices
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A letter to my daughters about weed
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this stacked ship
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A Mississippi high school takes the occasion of a lesbian student wanting to attend prom with her girlfriend and wear a tuxedo as a chance to teach everyone a lesson on tolerance. Nah, just kidding, they cancelled the whole damn thing
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There are many ways to announce a fundraising dinner featuring a pig roast. Superimposed over an image of the World Trade Center towers aflame would not be one of them
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"America's billionaires have not rebounded from the recession as strongly as other countries' billionaires." Won't somebody think of the American billionaires? Somebody???
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Teen shoots himself in the testicles. Bet he doesn't have the balls to do that again
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Homeless man finds shelter by using hotel reward points earned when he had a high-paying job
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Officials say bobcat responsible for power outage, ruining police academy movies
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Small B.C. surf town of Tofino takes stand, moves to ban McDonald's, Starbucks, and Tim Hortons from wrecking its radical character
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Hard-assed hood has brain hemorrhage and goes into coma for two weeks. Wakes up with a passion to paint, speak in rhyme, write poetry and love of kittens
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 253: "I'm a Geek, and I'm Proud of It". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed March 10, 2010 |
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Man strangles his girlfriend to death and then tries to kill himself by drinking bleach and slashing his wrists. Of course, he went across the street and not down the block
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Not news: Woman decides to rob people. News: Successfully robs 11 people. Fark: Robs $6
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He won $150 at the MGM Grand in Detroit, met two women who said they wanted to party, got a motel room, stripped and jumped in the shower expecting the women to join him. His luck ended there
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| (KCRG) |
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Semi overturns and spills 45,000 pounds of batteries. Driver not charged
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this flower carrier
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| (The Press of Atlantic City) |
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A good yarn? Town tries to solve the mystery of the midnight knitter
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Large Hadron Collider misses again. This is not a repeat from 2011
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| (WALB 10 News) |
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Ric Romero headline of the day: "Poor choices can end with bad results"
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A blind man with a seeing-eye dog who was denied entry at a Subway restaurant files outlandish lawsuits with claims that the experience has caused him unimaginable stress. Just kidding, he just won't eat there anymore
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Not news: Gunman prompts school lockdown. Fark: Gunman was wielding a Nerf gun
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Now that Al Gore has a Nobel Peace Prize, his creation might be next
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Tips for helping your dog to age gracefully. Apparently getting him a toupee and a Corvette doesn't cut it
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Next stop on the Failboni thin ice pond tour - Keystone, CO (with sinking zamboni pic)
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| (Eating Our Words) |
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10 impressive-looking dishes that are deceptively easy to make. Your dog wants some coq au vin
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Driver charged with DUI hit nearly triple the legal threshold for drunkenness. Fortunately, she didn't hit anything else with her school bus full of kids
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Vitamin D may help reduce the risk of almost any disease, say doctors who are trying to milk this information campaign for all it's worth
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More miracles from modern medicine: "They said there was a rare, but real chance that my bottom jaw would become infected and might have to be removed"
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The US Supreme Court cannot afford to be seen taking the side of one corporation over another corporation
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Defectors spill details of Kim Il-sung and Kim Jong-il's secret network of agents, whose mission was purchasing Western goods from classified shopping lists
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Fresh off an armed raid of three bars for violating a silly administrative policy on beer, State Police raid a city beer distributor and seize cases of expensive Belgian and German brews
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Is the number of earthquakes on the rise? Are we employing sheep's bladders properly to defend ourselves?
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Research shows, Problem Children twice as likely to suffer chronic pain as adults. Karma tag sleeping peacefully
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| (Jezebel) |
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First day on the job, the new editor of Jezebel talked about her constipation. Of course, that attracted a dude with a fetish. So she interviewed him
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Photoshop this focused flow
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Next time your school's booster club is having a sale of donated items, be sure to go through the stuff and remove the porn, pirated DVDs and Aryan Nation publications
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Miami residents can now go online to report municipal problems like trash littering the street. Service to be online in time for Jersey Shore cast to arrive
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If you think fish can't live to be 43 years old, you don't know Buttkiss
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Town puts of street signs warning drivers of drunk pedestrians. With a picture that any Farker would be proud of
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Car designers in 1958 thought we'd drive two-wheeled cars that were guided by radar and balanced by gyroscopes in the year 2000. Instead, we're driving Camry's with problematic pedals
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NYPD informs public that rooftop sculptures are not jumpers, and that gargoyles are harmless as long as you DO NOT BLINK
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Records show Ohio State shooter had complained his bosses were treating him unfairly, had taken his red stapler
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| (action figures) |
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Mad Men Barbie dolls - now we can have sexist office politics in the comfort of our own basements - in easily washable plastic, no less
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Jon Stewart to Bush crony Marc Theissen. "It's a very selective world in which you live and it must be quite lovely but here in the real world things aren't so cut and dried"
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Prosecutor says that ex-sportscaster was so anxious to help a 14-year old girl in distress that he asked her pimp if he could get with her again
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"... and make sure the soldiers bring a tank, I wanna ride in a tank"
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Cool: Teacher gives classroom full of students a lesson in structural integrity. Not so cool: she was driving her jeep at the time
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Another benefit of Cuba's socialized healthcare: Free sex change operations
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74-year old woman accidentally goes through car wash on the outside of her car
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You'll be happy to know that TSA screener feeling up your daughter isn't really into her -- he already has a 14 year old girlfriend named "Kitten"
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| (Providence Journal) |
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300-pound bronze female sculpture disappears in Rhode Island, possibly headed to the Jersey shore
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Is it still considered stealing if you pay for it?
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Not news: Facing a year in jail for criminal possession of a weapon after hitting a cop. Fark: With a snowball
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Study finds obesity and depression to be a vicious circle. Circular, like a doughnut right?
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| (Some Old Fart) |
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Your mom may not be the slut we thought she was but your dad is still a horny old bastard
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New theme park opening for people with special needs. Cartman already preparing with a rock montage
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| (LehighValleyLive) |
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Just a tip: If you need to drive over to the police station for business, sober up first
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Think about your six closest friends. Now try to guess which one has herpes
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By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Man and ... pillow
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If you're a police officer who enjoys rubbing your penis on cars, you might want to skip mentioning that in your blog
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| (The Register Citizen) |
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Psycho killer...signs himself...out of the ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hospital, then he...runs runs runs runs, runs runs runs away
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| (Psychology Today) |
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It's official: Good-looking women like Lara Logan, Melissa Theuriau, and Debra LaFave still have edge in virtually everything over plain-looking women
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Nicholas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni are both having affairs. France surrenders
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Iron Photoshop: Hotwheels
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Ten coolest college courses, or; Why college is a joke nowadays
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The nicest nurse in the world fired for having sex with grieving men who just lost their wives to cancer
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Today's female teacher arrested for having sex with student brought to you by sunny Burbank, California (w/you know you'd hit that pic)
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And the next extreme sport is: Coupon clipping. Wait, what?
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| Tue March 09, 2010 |
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Water consuption in Edmonton during the Gold Medal hockey game; the beer consumption chart would probably look the same, but upside down
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| (WGME.com) |
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Bigfoot spotted in Maine, solid brown everywhere else
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I'll bet you thought you wouldn't encounter a news story today about a wolverine making sweet, sweet love to a tree. Well sir, that's why you have Fark
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Theme: Movie poster for movie that never existed, but should have
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From the "Are you sure this is a good idea?" department: Water and Sewer to be merged. Bonus: gas company may handle merger
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| (Sioux City Journal) |
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Iowa Senate passes bar nuisance law. Maybe now we've seen our last cocked-hat over the eyebrow popped-collar douche who orders Glenlivet with Diet Coke
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Achievement Unlocked : Throw back a grenade before it explodes. Bonus : "I remember thinking that if I didn't pull this off, it was going to hurt"
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Windows kill up to 1 billion birds in North America each year. "I see no immediate reason why these figures would be erroneous"
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Many Americans say they're too tired for sex. But really, they're just not into you
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When asking someone to find a hitman to kill hubby, make sure that person isn't a former NYPD detective
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Protip: If the Chevy conversion van is rocking (at 3:30 AM in the mall parking lot, under a lightpole), the cops will bother knocking
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The flu symptoms that make you miserable are all in your head
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| (ScienceBlogs) |
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Proving yet again that suckers and their money are soon parted, people are paying a New Mexico spa over $100 to smear Japanese bird poop on their faces
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Former employee: I'm a huge social networker and stuff so if you don't like pay me $200,000 I'll bring the company down through spam emails. Company: Oooooooo, we're scaaaaared
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| (news4jax.com) |
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Well, NOW where am I supposed to take this Grade-3 Plutonium runoff?
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| (Press of Atlantic City dot com) |
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Actual headline: "Police say fake veterinarian - apparently dressed as a man this time - arrested again". With pics of what a cross-dressing fake veteranarian looks like
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Turkey is discovering nothing exposes shoddy sub-code construction and bribed housing inspectors quite like a magnitude 6 earthquake
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Lindsay Lohan wants $100M over E-Trade ad because "the actress has the same single-name recognition as Oprah or Madonna"
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The CIA recommended the use of Ensure Plus for the liquid diet so that detainees wouldn't die from inhaling their own vomit during torture. Seriously
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| (Some Guy) |
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Good idea: Asking helpful policewoman for directions. Bad idea: While driving a stolen car
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Half of Americans have less than 10K saved for retirement. Those who have more will no doubt be asked to share their pie
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NYC infrastructure is crumbling, and there are few funds for repairs, but one artist may have a solution: Legos
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Due to low sales, Walmart discounts Black Barbie; obviously some people have a problem with this
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Never before seen episode of Star Trek TOS has Kirk dealing with a terrible alien threat
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Two idiots in a fraternity at submitter's Alma Mater allegedly wrapped some kid in TP and set him on fire. What was the stupidest thing you ever did in college? Bonus: look at the smirk on their mugshots
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Write that on the tombstone: Second person nationwide ever to die in static-sparked fire at a fuel pump
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Ars Technica asks readers to turn off ad-block on its website to help save the site. On that note, if Farkers out there don't mind turning off adblock for Fark we'd sure appreciate it too -Drew (link fixed)
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"Holy criminy, you just shot the map"
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The Florida Senate race is getting hairy: Crist accuses Rubio of using a RNC credit card to get his back waxed
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Window cleaner commits suicide by stabbing himself in the groin repeatedly with a jumbo souvenir pencil. "If you were choosing to take your own life, that's not the way you would do it"
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Man Surrenders In Fatal Stabbing. Dude, that's when you should be fighting back the most
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Photoshop this stack o' flapjacks
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Germany criticizes Greece for being babies who refuse to fix their financial problems, while Greece says they'd have more money if the Nazis hadn't stolen their gold and all their kebab vendors
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Auctioneer sells souls to highest bidder, one "Mr. Mephistopheles"
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"Milking water out of a cow made of wood with rubber teats is a favorite activity there"
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Brooke Shields says fame is "like a drug." She must be getting desperate for a fix, though, as she's suffering post-partum depression from her career
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Senate preparing to donate another $66 billion to its slacker bailout fund. Get your Mountain Dew and Cheetos now before it's too late
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"Gasoline prices want to decline" says expert, apparently trying to use the Jedi Mind Trick on them
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87 percent of USA Today readers believe dogs are smarter than we think they are
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"Cable guy finds kids home alone": more proof that Hollywood is out of ideas or actual headline?
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Jon Stewart proves that the SEC is run by those three monkeys with their hands over their eyes, ears, and mouths
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What better place to allow an exemption to the smoking ban then at the indoor benefit boxing match for children without health insurance
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| (610 WTVN) |
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News: triple shooting on Ohio State's campus. Fark: didn't involve a football player
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| (lohud.com) |
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Ugly, skankifed, dirty suburban wasteland slum objects to being called a 'hellhole' on SNL
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Caption the Queen of the World and James Cameron at the Oscars
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Detroit mayor to unveil plan to bulldoze a quarter of the city. Why stop there?
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| (Some Pill Popper) |
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Condemned prisoner's execution postponed because...well, because the state of Ohio has to first save his life
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Not News: LA City Council can't say "no" to any expenditures. News: Because they have a computer that automatically votes "yes" when they're not in chambers. FARK: Giving them more time for lobbyists and cigarettes
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That giant puckering sound you heard was Sheriff Joe Arpaio's sphincter clenching after he found out the controversial emails he thought had been deleted were actually archived by a third-party vendor
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this soaring cycle and airborne extemist
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911: What's the emergency? Caller: Somehow I got my Prius up to 94
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| (state journal register) |
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Not news: Man has heart attack while on the phone with his cell provider. Fark: the operator that saves his life is named Hart
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Goat Boy's mom has been found
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| Mon March 08, 2010 |
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Researchers say a tax on pizza and soda would cut obesity. Still no cure for nicotine addiction
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this saw-whet owl
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Brtiain's MI5 monitored Hitler Youth cycling tour of England in 1937, despite their agent falling off near Budleigh Salterton when the pump caught in his trouser-leg, badly crushing sandwiches and getting grit all over his fruitcake
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| (Ksdk.com) |
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Tip Of The Day: Paying for hundreds of dollars of crack cocaine with Monopoly money will probably result in a fairly decent ass kicking
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Then they came for the beer and I said nothing, for I was not-- Wait, what? Oh, hell no WOLVERINES
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Last year 2.4 million fewer tourists visited the US, which cost $509 billion. In related news, tourism in the US brings in an average of $212,000 per person. Still no cure for journalists who can't do math
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Young Karl Rove turned to the darkside when he had the turd-blossom beat out of him by a little girl
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Oldest person in US dies again
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In an attempt to outdo Blockbuster, library has teen arrested for forgetting to return DVD
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| (fox chicago) |
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News: Girl sick for two years from wearing improperly made eyeglasses. Fark: The eyeglass place apologized and offered her a $5 bottle of lens cleaner
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A group of ultra-Orthodox rabbis are kvetching that lox should no longer be considered kosher as the fish often contain parasitic worms. Here comes the schmear campaign
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Meet Lyuba, the cutest 42,000-year-old Ice Age baby mammoth you'll see today
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Roman Polanski's wife is very upset that her pedo husband has been jailed, interfering with his ability to keep her and their children rich beyond their wildest dreams
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San Francisco hearkens back to a time when it wasn't known for hippies clogging the streets, gives police new powers to knock some heads
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Drew talks about earthquake mania, Selection Sunday, and the James Cameron Reaction Watch. Also, some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 2/28 - 3/6
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Who has the time to take the keys out and lock up the police cruiser anymore
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| (Some Guy) |
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You're at the movies and someone asks you to stop talking on your cellphone. Do you: C) Stab him in the neck with a meat thermometer?
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| (Altoona Mirror) |
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By allowing Pennsylvania grocery and convenience stores to sell beer, the state will become a post-apocalyptic wasteland where sellers of cheap beer will ravage the land unchecked, killing everybody you hold dear
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| (Some Guy) |
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On the internet, a female inmate squirting breast milk at her jailer falls under the Rule #34 clause. In real life, it's third degree felony assault
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You want me to pay for a dead cat which I didn't kill and doesn't belong to me?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this kicked ball
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Hooker principal unlikely to see happy ending
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Not news: school costs six times more than the top college in the country. News: the school turns out students that are still functionally illiterate. Fark: it's kindergarten
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Slow learner gets third drug bust on way home from prison for his second drug bust
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City of Gary, Indiana trying to triple its population in time for census
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Al Qaida calls on US muslims to attack America seeing as how they're a little too busy dodging predator strikes and military raids to do it themselves
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Big Booty Mommas 6: Hot Butt-Caulking Action
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| (Some Selachimorpha) |
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Photoshop this fish out of water
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You should pick wine over mineral water if you want to lose weight, pants
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God rolls die, shakes Turkey this time; at least 41 dead
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Humans driving species to extinction faster than new ones can evolve. Darwin facepalms
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