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| Sun January 03, 2010 |
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World's tallest buildings are a) tall and b) equipped with 6000 mph elevators. They report, you decide
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| (Some Guy) |
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It's inspiring when a fireman recruits a 16-year-old Boy Scout Fire Explorer to help put out a blaze. Until the kid has to be hospitalized for smoke inhalation
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Studies show women's feet are getting bigger; researchers cannot point to a sole reason
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Vultures facing extinction from A: Global warming B: Habitat encroachment or C: Gamblers smoking joints made from their brains, in order to see into the future
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Feds claim they couldn't have known that a Nigerian on the watch list with no passport and no luggage who bought his one-way ticket with cash and whose father warned us, was a terrorist; continue to search white kids named "Sean"
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Parents sue 52 yr old son after he blows £100,000 of their money. Son says money not wasted:"I have had some outstanding holidays and experiences which I will always treasure and reflect on"
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Dog leaps between 11-year old boy and charging cougar. Man's best friend indeed
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Research shows smacked children do better in life, have faster reflexes
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You get arrested for drunk driving. Do you C) return to the police station after being released and go in guns blazing?
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Dropped cellphone causes teen to get run over by van. No word on remaining rollover minutes
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Panic room saved artist Kurt Westergaard from Islamist assassin. That and abandoning his grandaughter in the house with an Islamic Assassin
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| (Some Guy) |
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Asbestos, the Mafia, and 31 other conspiracy theories that turned out to be true
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| (Some Guy) |
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Nic Cage as everyone
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Photoshop this Mattel and Merkel merger
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DC government sues AT&T over unused minutes. Not on behalf of customers, mind, but on the novel theory that whatever you buy and don't use belongs to the State. Millions of starving Chinese hardest hit
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Fox News pundit: Tiger Woods can stick his putter in any hole he wants, so long as he converts to Christianity
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| (Some Do It Yourself Guy) |
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Your auto mechanic can't fix your new car because: A. He can't get the parts, B. He's too busy, C. It's copyright infringement?
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| (WOAI) |
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It may soon be illegal to buy someone else a beer in San Antonio, TX (with picture of what someone really wanting a beer might look like)
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| (Columbus Dispatch) |
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Nanny state of Ohio forbids you from drinking more than 288 bottles of wine this year
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Researchers state that the recent surge in gun sales has no correlation to the drop in crime. Researchers then go on to prove that black is white and gets themselves killed at the next zebra crossing
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British, American embassies closed in Yemen. Yeah, that'll show those terrorists we mean business. Up next: a sharply worded letter
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If one train leaves Istanbul travelling to Eskisehir at 60 miles per hour, and another train leaves Eskisehir travelling to Istanbul at 55 miles per hour, how long will it take the rescue crews to clear the tracks after they collide head on?
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| (Some Guy) |
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The bad news is your dog goes missing. The good news is it's found by the SPCA. The asinine news? The SPCA adopts it out to another family less than 72 hours later while not returning your phone calls
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The "radical Muslim" who tried to kill the Danish cartoonist who made fun of Allah? Yeah, he was arrested last year for trying to kill Hillary Clinton. But apparently that wasn't serious enough to keep him in custody
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| (SomeMonolith) |
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All these streets are yours except Europa. Attempt no parking there
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"All around you on the beach are weird blokes with hairy backs or bulging beer guts, women with giant bottoms, snotty kids, and they all go out swimming in the same water as you do..."
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Photoshop this float face
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You know it's bad when homicides are up 62% and gang members advise the public to buy guns for protection
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| (Some Guy) |
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The five biggest tall tales you'll hear from climate change deniers. "We all know journalists hate America. Rather than report the truth, they act as PR agents for the global warming crowd."
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Pub snowed in for 3 days... drinkers trapped for 72 hours ... "morale remained high"
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Identical twins born in fraternal decades
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| (thesouthern.com) |
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Sheriff, family charged with "solicitation of murder for ire." Guess they were exasperated by the annoyance of drug trafficking charges and tried to pay someone to unleash the fury
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Rick Warren got $2.4 million instead of the $900,000 he asked for. Hallelujah, it's a miracle
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C) Light the cigarette as you begin siphoning the gas
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| (Some Chick) |
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Man wins $5M lotto. Rides his bike to verify the ticket because his vehicle was stolen last week. Says he'll stay in his trailer and continue pothole filling job
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You're confronted by police officers and about get tased. Do you C) Hold up your baby as a shield
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| (Some Guy) |
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French Muslim "youths" torch 1,137 cars overnight on new years day. This IS a repeat from 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006
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In the newest version of Little Red Riding Hood, the Wolf is shooed away, makes friends with Little Red Riding Hood, and becomes a vegetarian
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Photoshop this Swiss slope
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What's this guy saying to his girlfriend?
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Convicted atheist rapist complains that having to share a cell with a Christian violates his human rights. Because this is the UK, his strategy worked
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Utah newspaper decides to shrink the size of all its Sunday comics so it can keep running classics like "Judge Parker," "Prince Valiant," "Rex Morgan, M.D." and "Brenda Starr."
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| Sat January 02, 2010 |
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Photoshop The Dirty Delegate
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Sanctimonious vegetarians now want meat with their moral superiority. They are still better than you, but at least you can invite them to the BBQ
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Death toll in attack on Pakistan volleyball game nears 100, which is incredible because that means 100 people were watching a volleyball game
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Scientists: After years of research, we think women's "G-Spot" doesn't actually exist. Submitter (looking up from his porn): The what now?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Smokers upset that new "fire-safe" cigarettes might be bad for their health
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Researchers discover plane abandoned in Antarctica back in 1912. Passengers in a state of suspended animation while flight crew awaits delivery of lemon-soaked paper napkins
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| (WOAI) |
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It is now illegal to talk on cell phones while driving through school zones in Texas. Apparently somebody did finally think of the children
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New statue featuring Winston Churchill, Malcolm X, Harvey Milk and Mother Teresa to have something to offend everyone
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Shoot a burglar in Detroit? That's a second degree murder charge
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When robbing a drugstore, don't stop on the way in to tell an employee on a smoke break what you're doing. And don't ask if he wants anything for himself. And try to carry a more imposing weapon than a garden hose nozzle
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Photoshop this statue silhouette
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| (Some Guy) |
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Now that it is 2010, here are phrases that need to disappear because they are not as funny as you think you are, Delmer
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| (Some Guy) |
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Parents tattoo six of their kids at home, are surprised that some people had a problem with this. Bonus: "Oh should I not have done that?" vid
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Got concealed gun? Check. Got permit to carry said gun? Check. Got both taken away by cop after he saw your gun, pointed his weapon in your face, discounted your "facially valid" permit and left you alone in a high crime area? Check
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In the prehistoric era, young cave dwellers played on pinball machines; this man has 867 of them and wants to start a museum; dadgummit, I say it's a worthy cause, and get off my lawn
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You send us lead-painted toys, we send you 8,500 tons of used tires. It's the American way
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The Great Swine Flu Pandemic of 2009 which killed millions worldwide and plunged the world into chaos... yeah, it's pretty much a bust
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Beer: The next health drink
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NASA is looking for places to donate the space shuttles when they are retired in a couple of years. The multi-billion dollar shuttles will be given away for free, but shipping and handling is $42 million. Your good feedback gets theirs
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| (Sphere) |
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The job market is so bad that even the man with the world's biggest penis can't find work, presumably because no one wants to have a giant dick working for them
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Man who made the turban bomb cartoon depicting radical Islam as violent is violently attacked by a radical Muslim
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Dutchie and Tootsie, two five-week old kittens found abadoned and half frozen in a clothing collection bin are now recovering with their foster family (and potential adopters) in time for Caturday (with pic)
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Now even the Leaning Tower is being outsourced to China
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Man buys $3 Billion CD-ROM from Amazon, just to "see what would happen."
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Unlike most other slow news days, 01/02/2010 is also a palindrome. DERRRRP
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Photoshop this treetop trim
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Additional Farkworthy laws taking effect in California: It is now a misdemeanor to cut off a cow's tail or give laughing gas to a minor
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Girl punches guy in nose because they had "weird sex." "Weird" as in he called her names and pulled her hair
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If you shoot the guy who made a drugged sextape with your girlfriend of half your age who you met through banging her mother you shouldn't claim to be an Outlaw when you aren't because they will send their Greek lawyer after you
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"I'll be in my tiny, doorless plastic bunk"
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| (Missoulian) |
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Artists transform 4000 copies of white supremacist hate magazines into art exhibit that the authors will probably... hate
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Firefighters responding to Utah trailer park blaze hampered by 19 pet pythons
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| Fri January 01, 2010 |
| (wsmv) |
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Stupid: man cooks meth in car. Stupider: at gas station. Stupiderest: In front of Gas Pump. Dumbass award: and passes out. Fark: Darwin takes a vacation
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| (utwente) |
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Photoshop this experimental setup
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America's downsizing continues - Inventor of Quarter Pounder now 27 grams lighter
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| (Jacksonville Journal-Courier) |
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Illinois town gathers to pray for jobs. "Just watch, we will see results."
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Man sentenced to 30 days in jail after arguing with fellow airplane passenger over elbow room
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Doctors test Limbaugh's heart, find nothing
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Man who burglarized Sen. Chris Dodd's office dies of injuries in prison. You might want to consider keeping your Banking Committee and Healthcare Reform criticisms to yourself
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If you run an airline it's no big deal to piss off a passenger, it's another thing entirely to piss off Chuck Yeager
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Photoshop Theme: Office Sports
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Bad: You get arrested for making a fake 911 call and possession of heroin. Worse: You also get nailed for bank robbery. Fark: You're dubbed the "Big-Nosed Robber" and get your picture all over the internet
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The Grammar Police would like to inform you that 2010 will be pronounced "Twenty ten"
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December was the first month since the invasion of Iraq that there wasn't a single American combat death in the country
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Old news, Mayan 2012 death watch - 12.21.2012 , new news biblical rapture watch - 05.21.2011
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Having a "quitting coach" may help smokers kick nicotine. In other news, Sarah Palin's dream job just opened up
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Man steals chewing gum so he could be arrested and jailed rather than spend New Year's with his wife
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| (Some Guy) |
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Anonymous person who wrote racist letter asking for university to get rid of blacks can be charged with a hate crime according to DA who hasn't bothered to read the letter...or the Constitution
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you have any idea why the snow coming down in the Philly area last night was pink, the National Weather Service would love to hear it
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| (QC Online) |
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Over 270 new reasons not to visit Illinois
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Driver gets ticket from red light camera, sues city for theft. Fark: the lawsuit actually makes sense
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| (Providence Journal) |
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Rhode Island has safest drivers in U.S. according to study conducted by someone who has never driven in Rhode Island
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Not news: Fitting into old jeans. News: Considering this accomplishment better than sex, along with 35% of British females. Farking Obvious: Poll conducted by marketers of Special K cereal
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Did Americans get any healthier over the past decade? (please use your dialing wand to indicate your response)
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Being an honor student doesn't have the same nerd caché that it once had
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Photoshop this springing squirrel
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Put turkey in the oven. Check. Drive to hospital. Check. Give birth. Check. Drive back home one hour after giving birth. Check. Serve Christmas Dinner. Check. Top that, Martha Stewart
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Psychic predictions for 2010 include Obama's assassination, Sarah Palin posing nude, and giant bats
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Megachurch pastor Rick Warren begs congregation for $900,000 in 48 hours to make up for budget shortfall so that church can continue funding its food bank, homeless shelter and...financial coaching?
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Nebraska band can't travel to their bowl game tonight because of bad weather. High school band from Lincoln, already in San Diego, gets the call, has one day to learn fight song
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Garfield man shot in left testicle. Odie humanity
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16-year-old disappears with his 42-year-old World of Warcraft soulmate (with pics that are pretty much what you'd expect)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Metric liquid assload of roadway spills onto roadway
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| (Some Atheist) |
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In response to new Irish blasphemy law in effect today, Atheist Ireland publishes list of 25 blasphemous quotes
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Doctors at St. James's University Hospital in Leeds, England, have discovered why some pet owners see hairy wall clocks
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Norway solves MRSA problem- by stopping rampant overuse of antibiotics. But you of course should be sure your snowflake takes his antibiotics for that little scratch on his knee
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Happy New Year Puna Kihapai, Hawaii
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| (KTAR Radio) |
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Man falls into firepit while roasting pig. Luauity ensues
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Happy New Year Upirngaq Piruqsivik, Alaska
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| (Some Guy) |
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Attorney on board Flight 253 claims The Undibomber™ and The Sharp-Dressed Man™ had a third accomplice: The Man In Orange©, whose existence the FBI is trying to cover up. Bonus: Photo of hot chick and green beers
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Happy New Year Springfield, Oregon
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London Times first published 225 years ago today; first issue had 3 columns of news, 10 of advertising, prompting Drew of Frankfforte to write "Farkke: How Ye Maedia Passeth Crappe off as Ye News."
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Happy New Year Springfield, Utah
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They call themselves "preppers." You'll call them "batshiat insane."
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| (Mandarin Oriental Barcelona) |
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Photoshop this modern hotel lobby
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Happy New Year, Springfield, Illinois
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Happy New Year Springfield, Florida
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| Thu December 31, 2009 |
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Happy New Year Springfield, Nova Scotia
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Happy New Year, residents of Springfield Road in South River, Newfoundland
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Home invaders take pants from 11 people, suspects described as appearing Haggard
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| (KCCI) |
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Today's Fark-ready headline: "Iowa woman fights deer with vacuum"
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Celebrities aren't the only ones who enjoy inflicting challenging names on their children, just ask Crystal Sunshine Turpin Lemons
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Photoshop theme: 2010: The Year Fark.com Makes Contact
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If one half of conjoined twins murdered a person, would the courts have to punish both of them?
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While you were diverted with the holidays, the US Justice Dept gave Blackwater a Christmas present
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| (Bonner County Daily) |
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Woman charged with battering officer, who was reportedly delicious
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A deckhand who starred in "Deadliest Catch" wanted for bank robberies. How shellfish of him
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| (Some Guy) |
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World Champion Liar of 2009: "I just realized how bad the economy really is. I recently bought a new toaster oven and as a complimentary gift, I was given a bank."
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Fark's 2009 Dumbass Roundup
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| (Some Guy) |
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Guy reflects on the six months he has been living soap and shampoo-free. "My wife now mentions more than ever before that "you smell good." OK, I had to post that only because some might worry on that score...."
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Mugging victim knows that her iPhone is being sent to Apple for replacement by the mugger. Apple care? Not much
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Judge calls bullshiat on iPod hearing-loss lawsuit. I SAID, JUDGE CALLS BULLSHIAT ON IPOD HEARING-LOSS LAWSUIT
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this ghost orb
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All dad wanted for Christmas was a Chub. "I learned from my grandpa to eat them like an ear of corn," Winter said. "You peel the skin back and just start eating."
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Fark's 2009 Headline of the Year contest: Puns and wordplay
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| (Some Beatdown Guy) |
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Man credits Big Brothers program with building character, marksmanship
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| (PC News Herald) |
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Apparently you can't buy a goat's head at IKEA after all
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Gallery officials shocked that a $48 million Degas painting was stolen despite such state-of-the-art security procedures as "screwing it to the wall" and "locking the museum doors"
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In a study that is likely to shock millions, Dr. Rick Romero reveals that patients who stop smoking after suffering a heart attack tend to live longer
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Wikipedia was in a little bit too much of a hurry to kill Rush Limbaugh, Abe Vigoda
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Tylenol expands its recall of its Arthritis Caplets but remind the public that its Arthritis Montagues are still perfectly safe and that they are two products, both alike in efficacy
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| (WWL) |
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Family visits relative's grave, discover she has really bad case of athlete's foot
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| (Some Guy) |
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It's the same old story. Guy meets girl, guy stalks girl, guy sends girl hundreds of text messages, guy gets arrested
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| (Gazette) |
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After a two-hour standoff, police deem empty room not a danger to the public
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Bali's banging New Year's party to explode with fun and get people fired up
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While listing memberships in civic organizations is often a good way to enhance your resume, it's probably best not to include your KKK membership, particularly if you work in law enforcement
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Police charge Mo trucker and his son for kidnapping an Ohio man and torturing him to death in their basement. No word on whether The Gimp may also face charges
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Government discovers couple in 70s have access to free heat, orders them to buy fuel like everyone else
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Gunman kills five in shooting spree near Helsinki. He then shot himself, so the police believe his spree is Finnish
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Father and son force their way into wrong house to pick up another son from a birthday party. Homeowner gets all Second Amendmenty on them
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Gunmen too weak to steal ATM after failing to convert dollars to pounds
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There's drunk, damn drunk, extremely drunk, and then there's "setting the state record" drunk
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Photoshop this sledding saucer
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Why men fake orgasms. Wait, what?
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| (Some Guy) |
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Awesome
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| (Some Snow Bunny) |
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Today's weather forecast: De-icing trucks spraying vodak on the streets to melt the snow, followed by scattered Farkers licking the pavement furiously
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| (Some Guy) |
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Safeway grocery store leaves their doors unlocked on Christmas by accident. Police find people shopping and leaving cash on the counter. No shoplifting or looting occured
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The TSA is hard at work at correcting the problems that arose on the flight to Detroit. Just kidding, they're issuing subpoenas to bloggers. Happy New Year
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Nanny State comes up with a plan to eradicate childhood obesity: parents can no longer park next to a school, forcing kids to walk to and from the classroom
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| (Some Guy) |
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Great Moments in Socialized Medicine #2,739: Cut off your ring finger? No problem: The nearest hospital will let you share a cab to another hospital three hours away, where they'll cheerfully throw the severed finger away for you
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 243: ClusterFark. Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed December 30, 2009 |
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Former WWII pilot, 91, receives Legion of Honor; relates tales of bombing raids, fighting in the French Resistance, and "almost killing the Mona Lisa"
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| (Wait...What?) |
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Police confirmed that Sanders walked into their station the night before Christmas claiming his Peco Street home was missing, but said Sanders frequently buys homes in the county and shouldn't have been surprised
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| (Some Cajun Stoner) |
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Dangerous pot grower apprehended in Bastrop, LA. With pic of what a marijuana farm may look like
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Funeral home cremates the wrong body. Family fuming over mistake
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We haven't had a good "ducklings rescued from a storm drain" article for several months, so here's a "couple of dumb-ass ducks rescued from a freezing pond by a police marine unit" story to tide you over until spring
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Paramedics take Rush Limbaugh to Honolulu hospital with chest pains. Calm, respectful well-wishes, hopes for speedy recovery to the right
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Photoshop this angel maker
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| (Some Guy) |
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Transportation employee who sent out pics of Obama shining Palin's shoes may soon be hitting the road
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Man jumps out of third-story window, murders dog, runs naked through tennis club, covers himself in coffee. The Aristocrats
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After careful consideration, the guys at TSG have come up with the mug shots of the decade. If you thought 2009 was bad, just you wait
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Posh hotel rudely turns away a columnist after she maxed out her credit cards during the holidays. I mean, she was left outside like a homeless person with her Prada bag and everything. UNBELIEVABLE
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Russian life expectancy increasing, with some hardy seniors reaching the ripe old age of 69
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Joe, she's just a little girl. She can light fires, yes. But you're making her sound like Armageddon
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| (Redding.com) |
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How the Grinch stole after Christmas the court decision regarding the giant fake penis he wore to a meeting on pot club proliferation
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Columnist's 12-year-old daughter is on the "no fly" list because she has the same name as an Irish terrorist -- the oh-so-very unique name "Sean Kelly"
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OK, OK, so I shot the deputy
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Fark's 2009 Headline of the Year contest: Politics
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Just so you know, when you crash your car, the towtruck guy is there to help. He will probably even give you a ride. You don't need to carjack him
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Edwina the duck dies aged 22. To be cremated slowly in an orange sauce
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The worst part about posing nude in the snow? No boots
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| (Jena Times) |
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The government says you can't drink in the barn
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AP reports that it is easier for athletes to gain admission to universities, cheerleader's pants
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Fark's 2009 Headline of the Year contest: Business
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Rubbed the wrong way by rudderless American flight security guidelines, Dutch authorities plan to institute full-body scans at airports
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Van parked in Times Square
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Mother sues jail for putting her precious snowflake near violent people who don't like sex offenders
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Morgan Stanley CEO rejects his year-end bonus for the third year in a row. Hero tag last seen sleeping under interstate
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Pop quiz mother farker, the bill is $19.97 and I give you a $20 bill. How much change do I get back? Seriously, I don't know
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Mynd you, concussions from falling møøse heads kan be pretty nasti
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Fark's 2009 Headline of the Year contest: Geek
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Former anti-porn crusader says research for "Zipper Disease" explains his stash of Penthouse, Penthouse Secret Fantasies, Penthouse Sex Files, Penthouse Forum, Penthouse Letters, Best of Forum Letters, Penthouse Variations
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Despite his 11 divorces, the man told the court he never has problems finding women. "I send out a hook in all directions, and the fish come on their own."
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Burglars steal 700-pound church safe containing large quantities of gold, trapping camel in eye of needle
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Image Mangling Retrospective 2009: Submit a compilation of your 'shops. It's our tradition DIT
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The AP does an annual round-up of why the Florida tag exists
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Iranian government offers free metro tickets to anybody who will come out and not protest them
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| (Daytona Beach News Journal) |
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Quilted quicker picker uppers must have been brawny to make off with this bounty
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Come hungry. Leave drenched in water and flame retardant
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Injured drunk woman treated at hospital after she conveniently crashed her car into it
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| (Some Egghead) |
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NYC soup kitchen gets $1100 can of caviar to feed the downtrodden, now will learn which fortified wine might go with that
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| (uticaod.com) |
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Pantless Utica man tells police he was robbed. Of his pants and his sneakers. At gunpoint. Bonus: doctor has no idea if the man was shot
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Old: Unprotected sex might result in pregnancy, diseases. New: Participating in drum circles may give you anthrax
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It's official: Dick Clark will be balling this New Year's
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Woman goes into cardiac arrest during labor and dies on the table. Doctors perform emergency C-section only to find that her baby was non-responsive. Then things got all miracle-ly and they both came back from the dead
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| (InForum) |
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Beer can alarm tips off police of nude geriatric fight
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New Zealand woman finds perfect way out of a parking ticket: "I could not have been parked there; I was home all day. Having sex. And I have two witnesses'
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What's worse than a guard falling asleep on the job? Getting caught because an inmate posed for a picture with you
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Rural county citizens split over first stoplight, which sister is hotter
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Photoshop this snow shoveling tiger
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This month, in al-Qaida Magazine: "Size Isn't Everything: Using Small Bombs," "5 Tips to Drive Infidels Crazy" and "Suicide Bomber of the Month"
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If you steal a diesel truck, it's probably not a good idea to fill it with unleaded gas and then call the police when it breaks down
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Company offers free trip to Mexico, if you take their anti-diarrhea drug. Should be defecation of a lifetime
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| Tue December 29, 2009 |
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"The victim stated that the suspect has told her he is going to put witchcraft on her, beat her up and blow up her home"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Things Police can taser you for now includes: being unresponsive due to coma
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Woman chokes her husband for not sleeping in the bedroom with her (w/ "I'd cuddle that" mugshot)
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| (ktvb.com) |
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Woman school teacher going to prison for not being hot enough to get away with having sex with a student
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It holds 10 to 22 people, takes two-hour tours and contains 30 liters of beer: Welcome aboard the Amsterdam beer bike
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California cuts free mammograms for low-income women, despite thousands of volunteers willing to administer the test for free
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this dam picture
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New form of rebellion against the older generation includes "not doing drugs, not sleeping around and not getting divorced."
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Women who get a whiff of a man's 'sexual' sweat experience heightened mood and sexual arousal. Those who smelled his 'normal' sweat get to experience sneaking past his mom on the way out of the basement in the morning
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| (Some Guy) |
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Today's "Truck spills metric assload of random food item on roadway" brought to you by Portersville, PA and 5,000 gallons of grape juice
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Fark's 2009 Headline of the Year contest: Sports
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In a grievous blow to public safety, court rules that cops can't Tase you unless they have, you know, a reason to do so
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| (Some Guy) |
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Have a yen for nudity? Ayn Rand? Welding? Then these college scholarhip competitions might be for you
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Man, clad in underwear and sandals, kills deer with stick, or as the locals call it "Saturday"
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Fark's 2009 Headline of the Year contest: Showbiz
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Separating the masculine-looking prisoners from the rest of the population in the female prison is just like the Romans separating and killing the strongest gladiators. Except Spartacus never filed a discrimination lawsuit
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Mistake #1: going to Wal-Mart. Mistake #2: buying a can of Chef Boyardee Beefaroni. Mistake #3: thinking Wal-Mart will help when you find a giant mold culture growing inside the can (w/disgusting pic)
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Effect of Cocoa Products on Blood Pressure: Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Abstract: mmmmm
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After a sleepless, overnight flight to Oslo to accept the Nobel Peace Prize earlier this month, President Barack Obama made a not altogether surprising admission. He was tired
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Charlie Sheen's career won't be affected by scandal because everyone already knows he's a douchebag. It's not news, it's CNN
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Super-picky Bay Area woman looking for house has an epic hunt
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Meet Christine, who lost 54 pounds from a steady diet at Taco Bell. Well, duh
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Woman calls police to report her cat is "doing her head in" by playing with string. "It's being going for two hours now. It's an emergency" (with audio goodness)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Japanese man sets a world record for a hand-launched plane made with only paper. For those born in the internet-age, go ask your father what a paper airplane is
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"Welcome to the DC DMV. Your vehicle inspection and emission test will cost $35." "But inspections aren't required any more." "Welcome to the DC DMV. Your emission test will cost $35."
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Photoshop this scythe-holding searcher
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Original Homestar viewers are now all members of AARP. Why won't Homestar just go away?
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Ugly-ass baby giraffe born at Niabi Zoo
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Police granted authority to declare search warrant free zones around bars and train stations and strip search anybody who might have weapons or breasts
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Yes Virginia, Santa is dead and Turkey would like his bones
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Realizing one can defer their student loans if they are still attending school, should you C.) Get 22 Masters Degree, 5 PhDs, and 3 Doctorate in Literature...and afterwards go back for the 23rd Masters degree at age 65
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Three teenagers commit robbery with a knife, a stick, and a plastic toy leg, finally letting the world know what comes below a stick in the hierarchy of weaponry
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Shooting your ______ in the ____ as a disciplinary measure. It's in Florida so I'm sure you can fill in the blanks
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| (Some Guy) |
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If there's something you only get to do once a year AND once in a blue moon, 12/31 might be your lucky day
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My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw the son of Obama's friend pass out in Hawaii last night. I guess it's pretty serious
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| Mon December 28, 2009 |
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CBS: MSNBC sucks at breaking news off-hours
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So this guy tries to walk out of Wal-mart with a cart full of electronics, and an off-duty cop tackles him. His wife then fakes a heart attack to try to keep out of jail. Then some lady calls her on it and things get all stabby. The Aristocrats
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You may need to ease up on your indoor pot growing operation if you need so much energy it leaves your street in the dark. "The bulbs could hardly flicker"
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If your father tells you to make your own lunch, the obvious response is to hit him in the head with a candle holder. This of course leads to the drawing of pistols. Then things get strange. (mugshot goodness)
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Two former Guantanamo detainees released in 2007 were Al Qaeda leaders who planned the attempted bombing of NWA 253. Obvious tag in the hospital with third degree burns to its crotch
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You might be a fugitive if you spent your Christmas taunting police by posting topless pictures of yourself on Facebook adorned in tinsel, making a rude gesture and holding a turkey
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Debt in America: strategically default on your mortgage and downgrade from the SUV to a used Corolla. Debt in Egypt: sell a kidney for $2k to put food on the table. Ouch
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Ever ignore the seatbelt sign on an airplane? Ever decide to watch a crappy Jamie Foxx movie on your flight? Congratulations, you're engaging in terrorist activity
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Former beauty queen from Alaska busted for fraudulently trying to obtain more than $600,000 in student loans to enrich herself. No, not her
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This just in: metal detectors are useless for...wait for it...detecting non-metal explosives
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CNN accused of "checkbook journalism" after paying the Dutch passenger who subdued the Dumbass Christmas Plane Would-Be Bomber. Apparently, that sort of thing is frowned upon
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Man steals a trailer filled with $40,000 worth of cheesecakes. If the cops don't get him, his clogged arteries will
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Photoshop this triple threat
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You know that picture of President Kennedy on the boat with the naked girls? Yeah about that (image in link is NSFW)
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Obamacare won't make a difference because Americans are too drunk, lazy, fat and stupid to stay out of the hospital to begin with
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| (Some Guy) |
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As far as sequels go, "Flattened Otter's Tire Tread Christmas" is less than heartwarming
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Juarez can be loosely translated to mean, "Murder Capital of the Western Hemisphere"
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Fark's 2009 HEADLINE OF THE YEAR contest
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The dazzling deductive skills of the Northhampton, MA police have led them to label as "suspicious", 9 fires that all broke out between 2 and 3am, within a block or two of each other
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| (Some Guy) |
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Scientists discover a new species of cockroach living in New York City. As well as an ostrich, paddlefish, bison and even a giant flying squid
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| (Pew Forum) |
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Mississippi tops list as being America's most religious state, which is no surprise since everyone there prays to win the lottery
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White hat hackers stage their own version of the Zombie Apocalypse, killing 200,000 "zombies" by taking down the Mega D Bot-net
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| (Some Guy) |
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Hey Dad, remember the Christmas when we went down to Taco Bell, got into a fight in the parking lot, and got arrested? Good times
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10 things husbands shouldn't do, as written by a self-important, jobless wench with bad hair
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College campuses are adding more and more "green majors" to their rosters, opening up a career path for those who can't hack the rigor of liberal arts
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One passenger out of a million failed to blow up one airliner out of a thousand on one day out of the year, so we should let the TSA strip scan anybody they want to
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With Tiger Woods being dropped from sponsorships left and right, be a good sport and Photoshop him in some new sponsorships
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Note to parents: If your kid illegally crosses into North Korea with a Christmas Card for Kim Jong Il, don't be surprised when he doesn't phone home for a few days
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Having never seen Poltergeist, US Marines build outpost on graveyard. What could possibly go wrong?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Two men arrested after using sledgehammer and croquet balls to turn their apartment into an art gallery (with mugshots)
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| (Some Guy) |
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I have no idea what you're talking about, so here's a giant stainless steel Lenin with a feminised Chairman Mao on his head
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Mine explosions kill 12 in China. 1,325,639,982 still trapped
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Czechs Hungary to Pole the Communist Party out of elections, which they claim is abSerb and could Croat a bad precedent
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The 2009 Delicious Irony award goes to Native American tribes, who are using funds from casinos to buy America back, a few thousand acres at a time
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"In a setback for U.S. interests in Central America, voters in Honduras elect, as their new president, Rod Blagojevich"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Arsonist sets 22 fires in Houston neighborhoods in an apparent attempt to beautify the city
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