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| Sun September 06, 2009 |
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Bay Bridge reopening may be delayed a while. Nothing major, it's just that the piece that holds up half the bridge has a huge crack that can be seen from 120 feet away
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| (Suburban Chicago News) |
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"He was always quiet and we never had a problem with him," said a neighbor, but the anti-tank rocket launcher "was a little over the top"
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French school teachers urged to take note of which female students are absent. You know, in case their parents shipped them abroad into forced marriages
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Mayor nevah forgits 9/11, forwards e-mail attacking Obama over USPS Muslim stamp...that debuted in 2001
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this double play dilemma
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Remember to put your Glock-24 on the BOTTOM of your backpack, or it'll smash your pudding cup
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20 of the dumbest questions Banff tourism workers hear from visitors, including 'Can you turn the fog off so I can see?' and 'Where are the igloos and the Eskimos?'
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| (Austrian Times) |
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Piece of IKEA store roofing falls on shopper. Did someone not tighten the little allen screw with the included wrench when they built the place?
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While the state of California languishes in financial distress, it's good to know that state archaeologists are still performing historically meaningful work, like excavating a 1960's hippie commune. w/pics and vid
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British towns go to war over who actually invented black pudding, which for you Americans, is a sausage casing stuffed with congealed pig blood, oatmeal and lard
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Well-connected city businessman arrested for having stolen handicapped permits? Go directly to the Mayor's Office, do not pass go, do not collect an arrest record
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Great White terrorizes New England for second time this decade
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Photoshop this atomic force microscope
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What do you do when your employer cancels your health insurance retroactively effective 11 months ago?
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Roofer puts his skill laying shingles to an artistic use by making mosaics. Fark: out of produce stickers
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Gas station and convenience store owners rave about nitrous oxide canister sales that seem to peak every Friday and Saturday night
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Sister with bad habit arrested for DUI
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Feet are washing ashore at Cockey Creek in Maryland. And you don't want to know what's washing up at Footy Beach
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Color him gone
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this old geezer ballplayer
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Not news: couple renews their vows. News: he's got heart problems, she has breast cancer. Fark: they're part of a clown troupe. Ultrafark: their wedding ceremony took place in a church made to look like a circus
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By any standards-cultural, horticultural, political, cinematic, jurisprudential, meteorological-this is the least eventful summer since 1491
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| (oddee) |
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Strangest tramp stamps. Mostly safe for work, but one or two of them are dicey
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Naked cowboy drops bid to become NYC mayor citing red tape, blue balls
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An underwater robot has been missing since Monday, we're picking up underwater earthquakes in the Reykjanes Ridge, and a rocket bus has been denied permission for an emergency landing at Clavius
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| Sat September 05, 2009 |
| (Pasco County Sheriff) |
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Introducing the latest candidate for the mugshot HOF, courtesy of our favorite state
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Banksy mural spoofing the royal family ruined by British bureaucratic incompetence
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Photoshop Theme: Bad tattoo ideas
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| (Some Guy) |
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Pretty impressive pictorial display of a live-fire exercise by the Japan Ground Self-Defense Force, featuring a few shots of Japanese women in uniform, lots of explosions, and at least three tubas
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Kind of news: Car crashes into house. Fark: The second floor of the house
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Ag colleges do not mess around when it comes to school rivalry. With pic
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When TV and video games aren't enough to zone out and quiet your six-year old, a few bong hits will do nicely
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| (Some Guy) |
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Good news: Your pilot remembers to put the wheels down for the landing. Fark: It's a water landing
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Reporter to kitty: Nice kitty. Kitty to reporter: NOM NOM NOM. With lunchtime video
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Over the river, through the woods, and into the secret 5' x 12' room at grandmother's house for two years we go
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| (Waterloo Courier) |
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Two Iowa teens killed in go-kart accident. Witnesses claim the duo was hit by a spiky blue shell
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| (The Toy Zone) |
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10 amazing photographs that are actually paintings
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Dispatcher: "911, what's your emergency?" Caller: "My house is on fire" Dispatcher: "I know, that's what you get for breaking up with me"
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Arctic researcher has to be evacuated when wolves discover she has bacon
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Yakuza now requiring gang members to take a written exam as a preventative measure against lawsuits. Presumably, failure means amputation of the last joint of the little finger
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California offers $100,000 I.O.U to anyone with information leading to the arrest and conviction of wildfire arsonist
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Theme: Cereal box promotions that, in hindsight, were not such great ideas after all
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A: Bread, chicken skin, Saran Wrap, potato chips, Coca Cola, kebabs. Q: What are things that you shouldn't use as contraceptives?
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| (Some Gal) |
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"You're not using the GPS because you don't appreciate the tone of the robot?"
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Girl Guides celebrate 100th anniversary today, an achievement that would not have been possible if they hadn't started lacing boxes of Thin Mints with cocaine or whatever it is that makes it impossible to stop eating the damn things
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Roadside fruit vendor was the inspiration for minister's "drive-thru prayer stand"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Some kids get a fake ID to buy beer. Others steal the identity of a 71-year-old to get in-state tuition
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| (Kitsap Sun) |
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Witnesses said the drunk naked man and the drunk man with no pants were on top of and intertwined with the third man, when one of them yelled "RETURN OF THE JEDI"
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Bank refuses to replace €500 note man claims was eaten by his cat
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British gardeners forbidden from using barbed wire in their back yards in case vandals hurt themselves on it while trespassing
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Pub owner gives police details of terrifying, yet somehow comical robbery by gorilla and clown
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Meet 100 year old Nicholas Winton. 70 years ago he rescued hundreds of Jewish kids from Nazi-occupied Czechoslovakia. Something in my eye
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The glass front design of Apple Stores lures in buyers. It also makes it possible for thieves to steal 23 Macbooks and 14 iPhones in about 30 seconds
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| (Daily Telegraph) |
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Headline you probably never thought you'd see: "Hitler sex tape ad starts TV war" (pic in link slightly Not safe for work, with Not safe for work video linked in article)
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Today is International Bacon Day
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Illegal immigrant wins lottery jackpot in Sweden, thanks country for being unable to deport him or tens of thousands of others which allowed him to win the jackpot
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| (Voxy) |
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Unfortunate headline typo: "Church Kids Raid Panty's For Foodbank Supplies"
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Miracle cat Brownie survives being shot in the head with an arrow just in time for a wild and crazy Caturday (with pic - kitty is safe but view with caution)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this fish head
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Prep school gets rid of its library of 20,000 books and replaces it with 3 flatscreen tvs, 18 Kindles and a $12,000 cappucino machine
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Music teacher supplies pistol to terminally ill father in hospital so he doesn't have to wait for death panel
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| (Some Guy) |
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Begun, the Wiener Wars have
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Apparently the world's largest bottle of whisky is in this photo, too
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Lobster fishermen get all crabby
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Ignore the Ugly Monkey, kids
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Ice cream factory burns down, firefighters expect to finally extinguish flames by sundae
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you're going to steal change from a car it may be wise to avoid the vehicles parked at the police station
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| (Some sadist) |
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I see your ping pong ball in anus and raise you an ass beating with a cheese grater
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Hair we go again. The 80s hair styles are coming back in fashion. One word as to why this is a bad idea: mullets
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Nanny State garbagemen refuse to pick up recycling box because it contains a single maggot and thus is considered 'livestock'
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Philadelphia's naked bike ride held this Sunday at dusk, finally uniting testicle with crepuscle
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| (10tv) |
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Robber flees bank with pillowcase full of money. Police are left wondering how he sleeps at night
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Four months after risking his life to save a drowning teenager, a Winnipeg homeless man does it again. Why is the hero tag based on an American flag again?
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| Fri September 04, 2009 |
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New Marvel superhero, Loaded Gunn. Fighting crimes against fashion. First target: Crocs
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| (Some Pedo) |
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Headline fail
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Washington State park closed due to Cougar sighting. Officials plan to put up end-zone goalposts to get rid of it
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News: Texas executes an innocent man. Fark: Again
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In Japan, sushi is about a small amount of fish eaten seasonally. In America, it's about California rolls the size of a child's arm. That's why there will soon be no more fish in the oceans
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Symantec decides to go on the offensive against hackers. Good luck, they're behind seven boxxys
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| (Some Tagger) |
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"Woman Thinks She Had Web Date Rape" - Let's hope she didn't get teen pregnant
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Photoshop what the Disney - Marvel merger will look like
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| (Daily Dispatch) |
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Cops arrest monkey for refusing to identify itself
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Photoshop this smoking sunflower
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This week's mugshot roundup: Nuts
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Why corn dogs are nature's perfect food
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Sweden declares open season on raccoon dogs, whatever the hell THEY are
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"Unschooling" 'assumes that an outing at the park - or even hours spent playing a video game - can be just as valuable a teaching resource as Hooked on Phonics.'
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Kirk and Spock show up together at Dragon-Con to tell everyone to get a long life and prosper
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Baltimore police department is so stretched for money they can't afford batteries for their radios. So naturally they buy everyone a new Blackberry
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| (GQ) |
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America's 25 douchiest colleges. "Duke is probably number one. But we'd rather not rank Duke number one at anything."
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Chicago newspaper columnist is going to recreate Ferris Bueller's Day Off, including the Cubs game, the Art Institute and the parade, all in real time, next weekend
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| (Some Superhero) |
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Superhero Smackdown: Hulk vs Hellboy, who would win?
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Can I get a ride mom? Yes Honey. Ok, just keep the engine running, leave the window open and when i jump in hit the gas and GOOOO
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| (Denver Daily News) |
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Dog gets $2,500 surgery after eating same sock twice: "I think lab owners know how stupid these animals can be."
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Okay, Canadian teenagers? Putting ping pong balls in your unconscious friend's anus is over the line. In case you weren't sure
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| (Gazette Live) |
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Man discovers getting stabbed with vacuum cleaner sucks
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Man accused of swindling millions from victims' retirement funds spends his free time in jail making voodoo dolls of people testifying against him
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| (Some flame) |
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I love I love I love I love my nekked old fat calandar guy
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Face it, America, you're an addict: Your hooked on our oil, and you'll never leave us, says Saudi prince
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| (the alligator) |
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School bus turned "Pool" bus may be drained by mean ol' city codes department. With cheesy "Don't drain me, bro" picture
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| (Columbus Dispatch) |
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Accidentally shooting yourself in the foot with a bullet is one thing, accidentally shooting your neighbor's house with a cannonball is another
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| (Some Guy) |
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"We want to document the kind of stuff that when you see it, you immediately have to call someone and be like, 'Dude, I'm at Wal-Mart and I just saw a goat'" (pics)
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100 year old skeleton with rifle found under garden shed. Armed Hide-and-Seek tournaments expected to begin on Fox this fall
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| (Some Guy) |
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Chicago schools to spend $30 million on 1200 students 'at risk of comitting violence' or being a victimized. Though the students can't do the math, thats $25k per kid
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| (some masshole) |
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Woman slams into tractor trailer while driving and eating. She sounds flat
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Skinny thighs could spell your doom. Of course, so could fat thighs. Or, apparently, any thighs at all. Your body image surrenders
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TSG Friday photo fun Laor Day special: Match the perp with their occupation
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Photoshop this stage setting
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The sleaziest, scummiest tourist destinations to avoid in Europe. Besides the Netherlands, but that's kind of a given
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Ferris Büeller's year off
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"We thought it was true so we printed it without checking. We didn't know the Onion was not a real news site"
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For the last goddamn time: "I'm hungry" is not a reason to call 911
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| (Some Guy) |
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Coke plant explodes. Police seek man leaving the scene with empty case of Mentos
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Whatever happened to Gary Cooper? Whatever happened, in other words, to quiet, unemotive Americans who went about their business without fanfare, without swagger, but with firmness and no lack of controlled anger at the right time?"
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Vermont teen gets off easy in sexting case
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If you had France in the "whose will be the next education ministry to issue a hilariously misspelled press release" sweepstakes then you can step forward and claim your prize now
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French lose their minds as schools ban traditional kisses on cheeks over swine flu: "If kissing is dangerous, are we to ban making love, or ask people to do it several metres apart?"
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Reminder: Dragon*Con Fark Party this Saturday, 3pm, Hilton Lobby Bar. LGT original party thread
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Jesus Christ spotted on Mars. See, we told you he was an extraterrestrial
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Police: "We have today destroyed cannabis plants worth an estimated $6.3m". University: "Actually, that was our legal experiment into the use of hemp fibres, and you're going to have to pay for it"
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| (ABC 15) |
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Clever: You bring a baseball bat when invading someone's home. Not so clever: You choose the home of someone who has a sword
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In retrospect, NATO forces aren't so sure that calling in airstrikes was the smartest way to stop two hijacked fuel tankers
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Montana girl admits trying to poison dad's Jell-O. On the next episode of "The Cosby Mysteries"
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Say shalom to my little friend
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National Review asks the question no one is dumb enough to ask: "Was World War II worth it?"
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| (Some Guy) |
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International nudist club getting together for 5-legged sack races
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| (Hope Star) |
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"Truck killed in fiery crash." Driver didn't make it, either
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High school football player makes tackle of his life
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"A spokesman for the project said both the chicken the man were unhurt."
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If you see an ugly-ass echidna go down a drain let it go because, man, it's gone. Unless you want a handful of spines and dislocated shoulder
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this attention getter
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Not news: Kid steals pencils. Still not news: From an art gallery. Farking hell: Pencils are valued at £500,000
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33-stone Viking enthusiast goes on a diet to stop his longboat from capsizing
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Austin, TX garbage trucks become stars of alternative dance theater production
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Women found to cheat more than men, and get away with it more often because they're better at lying about it
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| (Some Guy) |
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Vaccine for Swine Flu, also known as the overblown flu, can cause neurological damage. Of course if you are worried about the swine flu you a moran so no one will notice
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"Keep religion out of public schools." "HELP WE'RE BEING OPPRESSED" "Ok, then let's teach kids about every religion instead of just yours." "HELP WE'RE BEING OPPRESSED"
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| Thu September 03, 2009 |
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New rules bans teachers from getting drunk at bars on weekends. But it says nothing about getting drunk in the classroom on weekdays
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Photoshop this window washing woman
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Deputies: Woman Beats Mother With Candlestick." Was it in the library or the conservatory? No clue
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For two weeks all of the electronic garage doors and keyless car door openers mysteriously stopped working for one neighborhood
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| (Post-Gazette) |
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Woman charged with raping burning man. Wow, that's a lot of hippies
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New hybrid school bus will soon be waiting silently for your little snowflake
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Arkansas Fire Chief complains about receiving speeding tickets, so Cops shoot him...in Court...in the back
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Rival to great Springfield tire fire ongoing near Burns. Excellent
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RAF fighter pilot drinks tea while doing 14 aerial loops because he's a fighter pilot and he's just that awesome (pic)
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Chicago mayor looks through list of properties suspected of harboring gang and drug activity, finds one owned by his press secretary. The only thing surprising about this story is that is made it to a newspaper
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Some clowns steal statue from Ronald McDonald House
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Mom to teen, "maybe you should get off the couch cause you're wet". Teen to mom, "maybe you should shut up cause you're bleeding"
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Unintended consequence of Obama's Cash For Clunkers program - demolition derby drivers can't find cars to wreck
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Ali Bongo drums up enough support to snare election victory, thanks his electoral bass for helping him ride to this cymbalic win
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Grinch cancels December holiday tree lighting ceremony in Lincoln Center-ville according to spokesperson E. Scrooge
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Head of Greyhound cuts service to Manitoba, axes routes in Northern Ontario. Passengers who bought tickets a head of time need not be unnerved
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New police anti-speeding ad tells late drivers to lie to their bosses. "If you're late for work, don't speed. Keep an arm cast in the car in case you need to fake a hospital visit. "
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man's life dream is to set himself on fire and burn for two minutes and 39 seconds
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Satan speaks out against a Michigan church
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| (Some Guy) |
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Woman says having her 30-foot long fingernails broken off in car accident "robbed her of her identity" (w/ pic that will haunt your dreams)
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70 years ago today, World War II began. Unless, of course, you're American - in which case you might want to green light this in two year's time (once you've decided who's likely to win)
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If you're friends with a guy who beat a woman to death with a hammer, don't be surprised when he cuts you up and eats your brain
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Hospital food improving from institutional crap to gourmet, full-service cuisine. Subby hoping same happens with nurses
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Pre-school teachers sickened by brownies... figured something was wrong when their coordination went to pot
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| (Some Guy) |
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Well sir, the Breathalyzer says you're not intoxicated, but just to be sure let me see your penis for a minute
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this move
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| (Some Fat Guy) |
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One thing English cuisine gets right -- breakfast. And now it comes in a handy goblet made of bacon
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New Jersey launches NJ Alert, an email and text message emergency notification system; immediately begins continuous broadcasts of "GET OUT OF NEW JERSEY"
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Have you ever got into your car, started driving and wondered what would happen if you just kept going?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Pandemic bill would allow health officials to enter homes without warrants. Health officials with body armor, clubs and riot gear, according to this article
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Hey Foodies: The LA Times thinks you're a bunch of self-righteous douchebags. LONG LIVE POT PIE
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| (WYFF4) |
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Good news: The state bureau of investigation is going to get you off the hook. Bad news: You're going to Hell. Good news: You're in Georgia, so probably won't be able to tell the difference
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100 Year Old color pictures of Russia developed using digital methods
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70-year-old British man has stroke. That's bad. The stroke restores his vision. That's good. He also loses the ability to speak French. That's bad
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Woman blows a .31 on the Breathalyzer. Also, up her car
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So you are transporting $1.6 million worth of heroin in your car at 4:30am in Philly and don't want to get caught. Do you: C) blow through stop signs?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Plumber bemoans exposed crack
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| (Naples News) |
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Affairs, receptionist crushes, taking prostitutes and women on your yacht, fellating teenage boys - oh, dentistry is such an exciting field
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| (Some Guy) |
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A nutritious meal can come from a bag, I suppose. Probably not a colostomy bag, though
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Police in NJ can now charge you with DUI and careless driving even if you're not in a car, or not even moving
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Taxi cab explodes in Times Square. Rudy Giuliani shows up seconds later to put the blaze out, launch New York gubernatorial campaign. (With nifty photo and video of said explosion)
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One thing we can all be quite clear on, your dog doesn't want to be left behind at the scene of a burglary
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13 things that don't make sense. 'Women' surprisingly absent
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| (MaineToday.com) |
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It's bad enough when you offer to sell authentic "Maine Indian scalps" on Craigslist. But to offer them to white people only will almost always get the FBI involved
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Taking death panels one step further: scheduling the date for your husband's funeral while he is still alive
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Get ready for Christmas music in September
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| (KGMB) |
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National Park firefighters from Hawaii head to California to relax by fighting fires that don't involve hot lava
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Today's career-limiting move is brought to you by a youth drug rehab counselor who stole his employer's van to go get meth, heroin and a hooker
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Salvadorean President shocked -- SHOCKED -- that guy who filmed documentary about Salvadoran street gangs has been killed
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For some strange reason, people don't seem to want to shell out $19.99 to read about Bernie Madoff's sex life
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It seems that most students feel "The Cuddler' is an inappropriate moniker for the sexual assault suspect who breaks into college dorm rooms, gets into bed with women and molests them
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Eliot Spitzer continues his neverending quest to help girls work their way through school
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Scottish men buy bigger condoms than the rest of the UK, but to be fair, you can't make a decent haggis in the smaller sizes
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| (Somerville Journal) |
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You have to be pretty drunk to tell the cops that you won't get out of the park because the park belongs to you
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Man breaks into estranged wife's home in order to pay the bills. Dude, you're doing it wrong
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| (Somerville Journal) |
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Drunk, bloody, spitting man tries to persuade cops that he can't be arrested while naked
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Photoshop this sandy soldier
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Fall goeth before a pride
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Miss Universe contestants had to blow up condoms as part of the competition. Of course, someone is upset by this
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Having run out of money, two men fight for the affection of a topless dancer by bringing out their big guns
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| (Some Guy) |
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Why you should wait until you get home before taking Viagra
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| (Some Chick) |
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Eight year old girl to school bus driver: "This isn't my stop." Driver: "That's tough. This is my last stop." Told you he was hardcore
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3,700-year-old wall built to separate warring tribes discovered in Jerusalem. This is a repeat from the dawn of history to right this minute
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| (Some Pissed Off Guy) |
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Low-wage workers often ripped off by employers, according to Professor N. Shiat Sherlock
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| (Lincoln Journal Star) |
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Who says there is nothing fun for kids to do in the Midwest?
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Atheists suing NASA for putting God in heaven or some damn thing
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| (Some Guy) |
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Two tons of powdered sugar was stolen from a doughnut shop. Cops issue a "kill on sight" order
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Florida experiences first net loss of population since 1940s due to being, well, Florida
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Theft of oxycontin has become so bad that one drugstore chain is putting it in some off their store's safes, where presumably, only their employees can steal it
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Terminally ill member of the Manson Family seeks parole. Or extradition to Scotland
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| (Harper's) |
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Not news: Volunteer girls soccer coach e-mails team parents about expectations for the season. Still not news: with tongue planted firmly in cheek. Fark: Resigns after parents complain about snowflakes being in 'Green Death'
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this neutrino tank
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| (Brooklyn Paper) |
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The walrus is dead. This is not a repeat from 1980
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not News: Man leads police on a high-speed chase through three towns at speeds in excess of 90 mph. Fark: In a Chevy Cavalier
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A controlled burn that might have prevented the current LA wildfire was blocked by environmentalists worried about air quality
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 226: "Colour Popping" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed September 02, 2009 |
| (Techcrunch) |
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Alcohol and coarse salt are; A: building blocks to a margarita B: great for cleaning a dirty bong C: a topical treatment to get rid of AIDS-causing Jews
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Thanks to a 61-year-old weirdo, crying toddler learned just what the five fingers said to the face
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Black person photographed sneaking up on an unaware president inside the Oval Office by slithering on the floor. This headline would have been much scarier ten months ago
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Massachusetts might rename Boston's Logan airport after Kennedy. Next, might rename baseball team the Yankees
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Heard about the rapper who forced her label to pay for her Cornell Ph.D.? It never happened
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Female gorillas trick the males into mating with them which makes evolution seem even more realistic
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Medic ignores shrapnel in her own arm to save SEVEN of her fellow soldiers. Oh, and she's smokin' hot too
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Coming soon to Lifetime, the heartwarming story of one man and his quest to lactate
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Fire tears through two flea market trailers doing dollars in damage
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Couple charged with felony assault for stabbing, tazing another couple over hair straightener. Obviously someone was having a bad hair day
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| (Some Guy) |
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Sesame Street helps families communicate during tough times. Our house will be foreclosed in 1... 2... 3 months. Hahaha
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| (thefrisky) |
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When it comes to sex, women talk too much and men talk too little. Actually, make that "when it comes to anything"
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| (Some Guys) |
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Photoshop this consuming competition
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| (Some Bird) |
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Madison, WI picks the pink plastic flamingo to be official city bird
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That mouse that was found in a Diet Pepsi can a couple months ago? Not true. Turns out it was a frog instead
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| (Arutz Sheva) |
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Ahmadinejad's Imam: "Islam allows rape to get confessions. If you rape a young man it's ok to invite others to watch, do it as often as you want. Raping a virgin who will be executed brings great rewards." The Aristocrats
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| (Philly Burbs) |
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Good: Someone gives you a gift. Bad: They stole it from someone's basement. Fark: It's a water heater
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Sleeping on the job will get you fired, particularly if you are at a fire
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Surprise: the International Olympic Committee sees problems with Chicago's 2016 Olympic Bid. No word if the IOC is worried that the proximity to Wrigley Field will forever taint the Olympics
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Chinese democracy dissident sentenced to jail for about as long as it took Axl Rose to finish Chinese Democracy
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Scottish clans Campbell and MacIntyre may have ended historic centuries-old feud via offering of snowballs. "Reparation has been made"
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Scientists say we are all mutants. So where the hell are my optic blasts?
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We all have goals and aspirations, but would you actually commit to it on camera the way these people did? (Sponsored link)
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Ex-Ohio Congressman, Jim Traficant, to be reunited with his pet muskrat later today
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If you tell your date you're a cop and you're really not, don't make things worse by threatening to arrest her if she doesn't come home with you
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| (WATE-TV) |
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Apparently this bears repeating: It doesn't matter if the perp's handcuffed or not, you should still take your keys out of the police cruiser when you leave it
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| (Bucks County Courier Times) |
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Teacher would've gotten away with the whole booze, pot and sex thing, if only his student hadn't seen pictures of other girls on his computer. 17-year-olds are so petty when they're jealous
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If you smashed your way into a shop and stole booze and cigarettes... and are about 11 years old, the Scottish police would like to have a word with you
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Teenage boy cries tears of blood, immediately out-goths entire world
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| (Reading Evening Post) |
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Naked neighbour "put me off men", says victim. Picture of victim "put me off women", says subby
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Man told he otter find a different lake to swim in
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Chinese man trains his dogs to do his shopping for him, now lives on a diet of mostly steak
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We're secretly replacing one of these taxi drivers with a paranoid schizophrenic wife-murderer. Let's see if anyone notices
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Texas, in a constant battle for the title of fattest state in the nation and its own Fark tag, has lowered its P.E. standards for public schools
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"Other rallies have had threats from time to time, but I don't think they've ever had the threat of a frozen koala being thrown on a road before"
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| (Some too-old Guy) |
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Cleveland Fark Party October 17th at the Screaming Rooster In Lakewood
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Fisherman calls police after he snags skeletel remains of an arm, inadvertently writes the first five minutes of the script to a "Bones" episode
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| (Hotelier) |
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If you left your dentures, motorcycle, cat, sheep, Spiderman costume and/or handcuffed lover at a hotel in Australia, don't worry, the cleaning staff found them
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If you've ever wanted to get lost inside a giant cow stomach, today is the luckiest day you'll have until they start you on that new medication
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Wife of Japan's next prime minister rode a UFO to Venus
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Stow those hybrids and stock up on the Hummers. "Giant" oil field discovered in Gulf of Mexico
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If you see a bicyclist riding your son's stolen bike, don't run him over. Because you'll be pretty embarrassed if you're wrong about the bike
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"Clear the autopsy room for the next three days, and get me six cases of Cyanoacrylate, stat"
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There are still unanswered questions about the night of Princess Diana's death, according to a new book by her former lawyer. Presumably these include "how can I make some more money from this?" and the like
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| (Some Improvised Uranian) |
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Al-Qaeda unveils a new weapon: the Improvised Rectal Explosive Device. Taco Bell immediately sues for patent infringement
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Photoshop this touching trunk
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If you were thinking about going to Sochi's Discovery world this week, we have good news and bad news. Bad: a few less tropical fish than expected. Good: greater variety at the sushi bar
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"Never in the history of this country has there been a generation that's cast a longer shadow without really having done anything to earn it than the children of the 60s"
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| (OM NOM NOM NOM) |
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State Fair season is fast approaching, so it's time to wipe down the Grease-o-Meter, and introduce this year's winner: DEEP FRIED BUTTER
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Hey, remember that time we got really wasted, pooled our cash to hire a fat escort, who then ripped us off and ran one of us over? That was awesome
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Guy robs bank and has teller call the police so that he'll be arrested and sent to prison. To get away from his wife
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UK lotto winner spent millions on drugs, designer clothes and breast implants. The rest she just squandered
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If you deliver a newspaper to the wrong house, just let it go man. Otherwise you may end up impaled on a wrought-iron fence for two hours
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Teenagers who filmed themselves in sex acts and sent them around the school try a new excuse: The were worried that the Large Hardon Collider would kill them all
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Magnitude 7 earthquake hits Java as God decides he likes his coffee shaken, not stirred
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Everyone knows about In-N-Out's not-secret secret menu. Here's a list of other secret menu items
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This otherwise dull story of a mudslide livened up by: "The mudslide crushed Mrs Bell's pot plants . . ."
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| (Some Chick) |
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After holding a knife to clerks' throats during a convenience store robbery, man is shot leaving with cash and cigarettes. He is now suing the store in excess of $125,000 for pain and suffering and emotional distress
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7-11 finally pulls that 21 year old wiener off the roller
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Yessir, the belt with the hidden knife, handcuff key and buckle that can be used as a weapon, is indeed the wrong belt to wear to a courthouse
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The Vatican issues a prayer for Catholics to say before sex. Apparently shouting, "Oh God" at the end of sex isn't enough
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Photoshop this Woodstock hippie and his flamboyant attire
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No flying cars, but science has now given us something almost as good: A biscuit that won't immediately dissolve when dunked in coffee
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| (Some Guy) |
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An officer was in the neighborhood responding to a complaint about a dog. When he parked his car, a pit bull dog deflated all 4 tires of the deputy's cruiser. This had to be a set-up
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| (La Crosse Tribune) |
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If you are going to alter your prescription slip at least choose a drug that actually exists
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Too soon, man. Too soon
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| Tue September 01, 2009 |
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Parents and school address problem of youth drinking by having full bar at best prom EVER
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| (Lohud.com) |
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New York state to ban Hudson River shad fishing; in other news, people still eat what's been swimming in the Hudson
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City sends inmate work crew over to local liberal talk radio station to trim overgrown weeds, transmission lines
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The AFL-CIO, the largest Union in the U.S., has declared that they will not support healthcare reform that does not include a public option
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Hmmmm Ford, Toyota and Honda do not get bailouts and sales are up, GM and Chrylser get bailout and sales fall. Is there a pattern emerging here?
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Turns out pot isn't an accepted form of payment at most gas stations after all
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Dog gets a parking ticket because his owner tied him to a fence outside a store
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The plan to undress the passed-out drunk girl and take pictures of her was going great, until the part about remembering to take the camera home
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Dad sues ex-wife to make her stop home-schooling their daughter, saying the girl is too isolated from society. Religious groups freak out, call it radical secularism. Dad: I've taken the girl to church myself, you dill-holes
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Photoshop this cigar-chompin' Cuban
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| (Some Lycanthrope) |
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If you are going to go around town stealing wolf statues, don't ride around with them on top of your car
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| (Some Guy) |
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Pantless man accused of harassing horse
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| (Some Guy) |
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For the last time: If you're a pot farmer attempting to disable a surveillance camera, cover your face. With slackjawed yokel pic
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Obama: Don't everybody panic, but get a swine flu shot. Seriously. But don't worry, the flu won't kill all of us. I think. Are we clear? Cool
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| (Some Guy) |
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And now, a brief visual timeline of the history of time travel. Or is that the future of time travel ?
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When Santa comes down the chimney at 2 am, you get presents. When you do it, you get multiple injuries and a criminal trespass charge
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not news: man suspects girlfriend is cheating. News: holds her hostage for 4 days and she still won't admit it. Fark: so he shaves her head
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Not news: Ohio judge silences defendant. Fark: With duct tape
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| (Asbury Park Press) |
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Don't you just hate it when you call a kid, threaten to kill him and his mother and fail to realize you called the police station
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Best-selling bible to be edited and re-released, will feature deleted commandments, digitally enhanced plagues, and Han casts the first stone
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Elderly-on-elderly violence on the rise. Police report finding victims with all their teeth missing
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Wife of man who abducted and kept woman for 18 years now being considered more than an accomplice
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not news: Misbehaving military contractors. News: Misbehaving US embassy guards in Afghanistan. Fark: They were taking vodka shots out of each others' buttcracks
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'C' is for cookie dough contaminated with E. coli O157:H7. That's good enough for me
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Iran brags about its "nuclear package", probably drives a Hummer as well
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| (Some Pro) |
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Golf pro arrested for attempted hole in 8
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Sex without orgasm is the secret to sexual happiness. Millions of "happy" women mysteriously fail to nod in agreement
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What should the Duggars name baby # 19? Difficulty: must begin with the letter 'J'
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2009: A diet rich in fish and nuts may prolong your life. 2105: New Megan Fox film opens
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From each according to his combo size, to each according to his community service
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The Atlanta water company that raised rates for those conserving water and shut off service to paying customers disputes the claims that its billing practices need to be looked at
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| (Portland Press Herald) |
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Weirdest fetish outside of wearing a bunny suit and being beaten by an elderly man dressed as Charo: Guy likes to climb into national forest pit toilets
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This story has it all: A girl in a bikini, her boyfriend with a camera, a perverted Polish Yeti, a great name for a rock band
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Just in case you weren't taking the swine flu warnings seriously enough, here's Elmo telling you to PANIC
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The SAT is such a horrible burden on our precious little snowflakes. Solution? Let's get rid of the whole damn thing
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| (Some Guy) |
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A step by step guide on how to make your heart explode
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Mexican city breaks Mariachi record. Tune in next week to see Antonio Banderas in a slightly disappointing followup
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| (Some Guy) |
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Chupacabra has been found. It's in a freezer in Blanco, TX
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these scary cellar dwellers
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Dragon*Con Fark Party - Saturday, 3:00pm, Atlanta Hilton lobby lounge. DIT
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Alberta battling to maintain rat-free status, official blames rats on Obama's economic policies
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Man's attempt to conceal raw meat in his pants foiled when police dog wants steak
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Newspapers that cut costs are laying off their younger reporters, leaving aging baby boomers to cover youth-oriented stuff like Comic Book Con and The Twitter
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Today Show exclusive: the Duggars are adding a 19th seat to the clown car. The world, much like the vagina, yawns
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Brookfield Zoo dolphins FedEx'd to Minnesota, likely sent Next Day Sea
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| (delaware online) |
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What is the best car to use in a bank robbery? A super fast Chevy Aveo of course. Unless you leave the keys in the bank. But then again walking would probably be faster anyway
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Educator steals $150,000 from scholarship fund, gets 69 months in prison. That time'll pass lickety-split
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| (Some Guy) |
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FAIL: Man seriously injures himself on prison fence razor wire. FLORIDA: While attempting to get in
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Today the Wheel of Media Fearmongering™ lands on rabid bats. (with weird "batdog" pic)
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Problem: Men meeting in the woods for gay sex trysts. Solution: Release the rampaging pigs
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That ROTC student who accosted a Muslim girl for not standing during the Pledge of Allegience? Yeah, she made that part up
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Fashion designer sentenced for sex assaults, making fat people self-conscious
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You aren't a Mad Max fan until you've built your own Thunderdome
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A 29-year-old Bridgeport woman has a court date next week to face charges stemming from her arrest Saturday, her other arrest Saturday, and her third arrest on Saturday
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Old and busted: The Green River Killer. New hotness: The Georgetown Cuddler?
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| (Wired UK) |
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Tetris alters the structure of your brain, lining the cells up and then deleting them one row at a time
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The coolest photos of a city burning you'll see, hopefully, ever
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| (Eating Our Words) |
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Satan's Whiskers. Monkey Gland. Corpse Reviver #2. Voodoo ingredients? No; it's the list of 100 cocktails everyone should try before they die
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Photoshop this Russian with a bent nose
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There's a reason most airplane cockpits don't come equipped with a minibar
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| (Some Guy) |
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Australian guy claims his cat can talk. Bonus weirdness: But all it knows is George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not news: A southern US state may be hit with a hurricane. Fark: Arizona
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Men's underwear is an economic indicator, which explains why everything is crap right now
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| (SLO Tribune) |
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Pismo proposes panacea for pigeon-pooping problem plaguing pier, Pacific purity
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| (SF Weekly) |
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Fifty-year old women, two-year old breasts, twenty five-year old dudes. Yeah, it's a Cougar Convention
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Heavy drinkers found to be more active than non-drinkers. Mostly because of the long, meandering walks home at 2am
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| (Southern Poverty Law Center) |
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Turns out "Aloha" is the native Hawaiian word for "Kill Whitey"
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Saddam Hussein's missing air force has been found - being towed behind a tractor in Serbia
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What's the best thing to do when you're handcuffed in the back of a police car for DUI? Steal the police car, of course
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| Mon August 31, 2009 |
| (Michael Yon in Afghanistan) |
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"The problem is not that Americans and others supported the Mujahadin...The problem is not the artificial boundaries penciled in by the British all over Asia and the Middle East. The people are backwards and many want it that way"
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| (Some Chick) |
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Mom feels daughter's bus stop is too far from home, does she: a) complain to the school, b) tell the district, or c) throw her hair, jewelry and shoes on the ground and climb in bus to beat up driver while kids scatter out emergency exits?
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School tells students to stop touching, student body president responds that they are not touching and that the student body finger is at least two inches from the school's face
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Man in a van collecting stories of the recession, living down by the river
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Not news: Bank insists on thumbprint from man in order to cash check. Fark: Man has no arms
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop Ronald McDonald and the solar panels
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The Farmer's Almanac predicts it is coing to be a colder than usual winter for most of the country. Make that, "really going to be cold _ very, very cold, very, very frigid, with a lot of snow" kind of cold
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| (Some Guy) |
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Actual headline: "A cleaner Cedar Rapids, 1 butt at a time." Now that's a nasty crack -- I hope they wipe this headline
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| (Some Guy) |
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Park bans drum circle because of noise complaints. "If you're holding a drum you're getting a $250 ticket"
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Quadriplegic woman sails around Britain solo... well, except for the six "back-up" people who worked for 4 months without a day off to keep her from being sharkbait
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Nearly a third of all cocaine is tainted with veterinary de-worming agents. So if you're a worm-infested coke addict, now you've got that going for you too
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