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| Sun July 12, 2009 |
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If you spray paint swastikas and racist comments on your multi-racial neighbors' minivan, don't knock on their door and tell them you think you know who did it. The police might become involved
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Confessions of a scarlet widow: "By the time my husband had been dead for 13 months, I had slept with 27 men"
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Mark Malkoff sets world record for most flights in a month. He would have gone on longer if it wasn't for that screaming brat behind him
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| (Some Guy) |
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Grand Ayatollah Montazeri issues fatwa, calling Supreme Leader unfit, and that the government is working against Islam. In simpler terms, he's just told Khamenei and the government to GTFO
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| (Portales News-Tribune) |
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Outside firm to investigate whether Tucumcari Police Chief was justified in firing Taser darts into 14-year old girl's head
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| (Some Guy) |
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Gun leaps from holster in an attempt to escape bathroom stall, shoots woman in leg
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If you're going to falsely claim to have received extensive military combat honors, including the Distinguished Service Cross, the Silver Star, the Bronze Star and multiple Purple Hearts, do it in a bar when hitting on a chick, not on TV
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Sand? In my sculptures? It is more likely than you think, and it is awesome
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Theme: Modern products used in ancient times
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Linda the female penguin breaks up homosexual nesting couple at San Francisco Zoo. B*tch
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When programming your Airbus A340's flight computers with weight information, make sure you don't underestimate by 100 tons
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Police use thermal imaging to find suicidal goth. Unlike their vampire brethren, goths apparently have a thermal signature
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Firefighters left devastated by colleague's death in pub blaze, shows why you should never stop for a pint in a burning building
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Boomers have found a new way to screw us... with credit reports
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The coolest bubble bursting pic you'll see today
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Joe Jackson makes bid for care of Michael's kids, who are apparently on eBay now
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Obama urges patience on economic stimulus plan, assures everyone, "We're printing money as fast as we can"
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| (Some Guy) |
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If your apartment's air conditioning has been smelling a little "corpsy" lately, here's why
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Man who attacked women in the street and ran off with their shoes arrested in Germany. May God have mercy on his sole
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| (Some Chick) |
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84-year old man learns he can move faster without his walker when he has almost 1000 bees stinging him
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If you had LaToya Jackson as the first family member to claim Michael's death was a conspiracy, step forward and collect your prize
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| (Some Guy) |
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Lights on Pittsburgh's Grant building have flashed the city's name in Morse code for decades. Well, actually it's "P-I-T-E-T-S-B-K-R-R-H"
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| (H1N1 Virus News) |
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National Health Service begins plans to vacinate the entire UK population from swine flu. No word on if the Scots have figured out a way to deep fry the vaccine yet
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Illegal immigrants heading back to their homelands due to the economic crisis; however, they're finding themselves strangers in their native country
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| (Derry Journal) |
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Woman beats off sex pervert with stick
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What did Jackie Kennedy do after JFK's death? Bobby
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Photoshop these birthday brass blowers
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| (Washington Examiner) |
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Cowardice? Yeah, there's an app for that
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400 people gather for annyal mooning of Amtrak train. Passenger not amused
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Seven... eight... nine. Nine boob jobs in one family. Ah, ah, ah
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Wedding cancelled after police arrest the bride, groom, best man and a witness. Surprisingly, this did not happen in Arkansas
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More airlines embracing furry travelers, however, mile-high yiffing discouraged
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"An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away." Unless you forget the lotion
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On second thought, maybe you should skip "take your toddler to work day" if you're a crack dealer
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Swedish man argues having sex is essential to a reasonable quality of life. Court agrees, orders town to pay for his Viagra
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Cock-a-poodle-do?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Clarvoyant arrested for sending messages from beyond. i txt ded ppl
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Maintaining a lawn is not as excessive as keeping a private jet or killing an elephant for its tusks, but it is a symbol of waste nonetheless"
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you're having sex with your sister-in-law, don't act all shocked when she slashes your throat with a box cutter. "Every woman I'm ever going to meet is going to ask me about that scar"
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Carlos becomes the second named hurricane of the season, will steal material from the other hurricanes and still not be funny
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Berlin exhibit lets you do that stuff that got you thrown out of JC Penney last week
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Athlete opens a brothel to help fund his bid to compete at the 2012 London Olympics
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Texas group wants cities to ban 'Brüno' because it says the movie is offensive and loaded with inappropriate sexual content. Did the "R-rating" give it away?
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Prison guard accused of giving porn to inmates. Says he wanted to make sure they were all doing hard time
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Photoshop this Hindu huddle
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Sushi chefs urgently needed in San Francisco
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Man steals beer from convenience store in his underwear. Police apprehend suspect after brief pursuit
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| (MLive.com) |
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After you rob a bank, it's probably not a good idea to ask a cop for a ride to flee the scene
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| (Some Guy) |
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Sarah Palin appears on the "Firearms Friday" radio show and gets a complimentary call from Ted Nugent. No, this was not a discarded sketch from an SNL brainstorming session. "Sarah Palin, God bless you and your family"
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Now that every other angle of the economy has been covered, the AJC focuses on...empty parking spaces
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| Sat July 11, 2009 |
| (Some Chick) |
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2 year-old Octotot snaps and chases granny around the house with knife while Nadya does nothing. "She was apparently scared of provoking him."
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It's official: survey of hotel owners worldwide shows that no one likes the French
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Federal and state authorities recommend that you get tiny tinfoil hats for your RFID-embedded documents
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Actual headline: Big Ben Celebrates 150 Years Of Bongs
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How an insane British duke nearly persuaded (not Teddy) Roosevelt to back the Nazis in WWII
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20 years after sending their police officer father to prison for molesting them, two of his children tell a judge that they made it all up because other cops bought them ice cream
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Photoshop this spacey student
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If you have to go to traffic school in Orange County, you can soon have a comic as a teacher. Which sounds pretty cool until you find out it's Carlos Mencia
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Drunken skateboarder arrested after totally sticking landing into police car
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you head the state's Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiative, you may not want to post reviews of 17-year old prostitutes online. A+++ Would do business again
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Louis Vuitton celebrates the 40th anniversary of the Apollo landings with this giant commemorative butt plug
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"There is so much you can't know about your spouse when you get married, like that one day she will want to eat her placenta"
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Delta's sexy new uniform not offered to "plus-size" former NWA union stewardesses. Fark: Apparently "plus-size" now starts at size 18
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Man tries to commit suicide by laying on train tracks, is stumped by his failure
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FDA approves new blood thinning drug although it "could" cause fatal bleeding. Say, who's the barber here?
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Officials suspect North Korea was behind recent DoS attacks on American and South Korean websites. Shaken officals acknowledge this must mean North Korea now apparently has both electricty and computers
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Pamplona, schmamplona. We give you: the Running of the Ditzes. The Sun is there, brighter than all of them put together
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Hide-and-seek has now been banned in the Jasmer household
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Man falls 30 feet into Screw Auger Falls gorge, experiences firsthand how it got its name
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| (Independent.ie) |
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Man fined for punching punch-bag that fought back
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| (Some Nobel Laureate) |
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When you think of things that could potentially save your ass in court, "lizard tattoo on the penis" probably ranks dead last
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The next time you're thinking of complaining about your work, consider for a second the people whose job it is to rub moisturiser into an elephant's ass
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The most spectacular case of bad karma you will read about today
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Bad News: Boston to close its zoo due to lack of funds and will euthanize any animals it can't relocate. Good news: you can get a free giraffe if you're one of the next 10 callers
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Whether or not you are at higher risk for getting the swine flu depends on how closely your body resembles that of a swine. No really
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It's not unusual to hear about two people from Oklahoma being killed by a tornado. Unless the tornado has to go all the way up to Northern Ontario to get them while they're on vacation
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Our long national nightmare is over: employees at exploded Slim Jim plant head back to work
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Photoshop this sword-butt
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Death toll from China's riots hits 184 on news that Michael Jackson's toxicology report still isn't done
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| (Some Guy) |
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The Boryeong Mud Festival - come for the mud slides, mud wrestling, mud baths, the escape from mud prison, stay for the skin diseases
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Woman set to marry man she tried to stab to death after catching him with his pants down showing off an old gardening injury to her best friend
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| (Some Guy) |
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Hot blond nudist accused of having sex with 15 year old boy [with would you mugshot]
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Detroit councilwoman says "This is killing our community", is she talking about (a) the crime rate, (b) widespread unemployment, or (c) Billy Dee Williams Colt 45 billboards?
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Victims were attempting to back a large vehicle onto their lot and were blocking traffic as they did. The suspect, angered by this, got out of his vehicle and exposed his penis to the victims"
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Not news: 5 year old girl taken by social services after raid on home-based business. News: girl wants to go home, parents did nothing wrong, all charges dropped. Fark: courts force child to be adopted, and parents may never get to see her again
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Residents of fattest town in Britain defiantly refuse to eat healthier, even turning on restaurant that tried to sneak low-fat mayo onto sandwiches. "The regulars came back and asked us what the hell we were doing"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Dutch military unveils new medal for courage in combat in Afghanistan, even though with all the national caveats the Dutch army operates under, the only way they're likely to see combat is by accident
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| (Some Health Nut) |
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Sleeping eight or more hours a night signifigantly increases your chances of death. We don't know why, but it just does. EVERYBODY PANIC
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| (Cape Cod Times) |
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President -- real one, not Kenyan imposter -- arrested for carrying knives near military base
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Looking for something to do today? Try the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Except it's in New Orleans, not Pamplona. And it's hot chicks on skates with plastic bats instead of bulls. Massive amounts of alcohol still involved
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Gay couple handcuffed and cited for trespassing after one kissed the other on the cheek in the Mormon temple plaza. Church officials say they've never seen such an inappropriate display in all their wives
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Caption this grandma about to be kicked off the "nice" list
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| (Shore News Today) |
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Barn Buddy program gives stray cats a place to call home. Cats reported to be thrilled, hope they have internet access so they can participate in Caturday
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Officers found the suspect and discovered a crack pipe in his right shoe, shotgun shells and the two missing duck calls."
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Girl assaulted by her family because of her belly ring. Fark: Because she tried to remove it
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man who regained his sight 15 years ago exposes himself when he sees people who are alone so he can "show them they are vulnerable"
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If you plan on having sex in a parked car try to remember to remove the meth lab first
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| (nbc4i.com) |
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Two motorcyclists pulled over for going 149mph in a 65 mph zone. Their licenses were suspended, bikes impounded, and they had to pay thousands in fines. Just kidding, they're cops
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| (WJBF.COM) |
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The Animal Control Officer "found the dog, and two naked sunbathers, right there in the cemetary"
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It's the 21st Century - Photoshop your own flying car
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| (Some Guy) |
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A kid had to be rescued from a mall escalator. You know the rescue wasn't that dramatic. When an escalator breaks, doesn't it just become stairs?
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Not news: Police spokesman sends out mugshot to a TV station. News: It was the wrong photo. Fark: It was a naked woman. Stay classy, Baltimore
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| (Some Guy) |
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Emergency evacuation of 747, pants before or after noxious odor spilled into cabin
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| (Press TV) |
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Iran condemns Italy for "violent suppression of justice-seeking protesters by the Italian police"
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| Fri July 10, 2009 |
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Only the Royals would consider Yuniesky Betancourt a 'major trade'. Second paragraph- 'Betancourt, 27, has been a disappointment this season...'- that's more like it
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Probably the most spectacularly disturbing suicide you'll read about today
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these creepy earrings
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Patronizing Tijuana hookers while on drugs may be unhealthy, according to Dr. N.S. Sherlock, of the Doy Institute
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Defense lawyers request words like "polygamy," "cult" and "compound" not be used in their client's trial for running a polygamist cult compound
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TSG Mugshot roundup: Twin billing
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Barbie-Con visitors split on major issue: Are you allowed to open her box and play with it?
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It's been 10 years since "The Blair Witch Project." Where were you when this crappy, one-joke, overhyped piece of crap crapped its way into the movie theaters?
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While serious people debate health care, CNN does interview with morons from West Virgina who ignored their health issues until it became critical
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Swim club president clarifies racial misunderstanding. The issue is safety, not race; "Many of them couldn't swim." *facepalm*
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CNN delves into the hard-hitting story others are too timid to confront: What do psychics have to say about Michael Jackson's life?
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Prospect Heights, Illinois Police Department HQ to close to the public on Fridays. Citizens are being asked to hold their lawlwessness until Monday
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This sounds safe: 500,000 people with access to military weapons, all going through nicotine withdrawal at the same time
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"She's an opportunistic gold-digging attention whore," says opportunistic gold-digging attention whore
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| (Courier-Journal) |
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Llost llamas llocated in Llouisville
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2001: Teacher fired for sleeping with student. 2003: Hired again by same school. 2006: Fired again for same reason. 2009: Hired again because of strong beliefe that the third time is a charm
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Once suspected of causing leprosy and shunned because it's never mentioned in the Bible, the humble potato has come a long way
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Robert Plant honored with Commander of the British Empire and promises not to boss around Jimmy Page who is only a member
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You're worried about losing your job. Do you a) improve your performance, b) look for something new, or c) burn the motherfarker down?
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Teenage hit-and-runner uses Self-Arrest lane to be booked and released in twenty minutes. Would have been ten but the stupid machine wouldn't read her coupons and she had to wait for the assistant manager to override it
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Woman's laugh sounds like a car horn
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| (Some Guy) |
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AAA warns motorists to expect 1 of every 100 highway miles to be under construction this summer. Unless you're driving in Pennsylvania then the inverse will be true
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Sign for small Canadian town is hilariously vandalized to advertise certain illicit activity. City council now working on a plan to sell the sign to Intercourse, Pennsylvania
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German zoo admits that, in hindsight, it may have been a mistake to name one of its monkeys "Obama"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop theme: Bad franchise ideas
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Morgan Freeman plans to marry his step-granddaughter
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Newspaper in trouble because they printed in a headline Marion Barry's ex-girlfriend saying : "You Put Me Out in Denver 'Cause I Wouldn't Suck your Dick"
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Problem: French newspaper wants to appeal to readers in the US but can't afford English speaking journalists. Solution: Use Google Translate and assume it'll make sense
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Hey Doc. Can you help this passenger. She is having a panic attack? Sure, but it will cost you two complementary executive class tickets for waking me up
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| (Wis State Journal) |
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"I pulled my finger out-and I knew it was bad, pretty bad. I asked the passenger across from me for a tissue." Then the bus left the Interstate
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Swedish press plan to boycott Britney Spears -- while the rest of planet agrees to ignore her
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Tired of Michael Jackson hogging all the news, Octomom says she has a ghost-child living in her home that calls her "mommy"
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If the Swine Flu wasn't enough, now there's the Swine Ebola. EVERYBODY RE-PANIC
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| (Orange County Register) |
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Disneyland "proposal" was a fake. Well, duh
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Research shows people want to know more about their food, until they do, then they wish they didn't
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Mothers Against Drunk Driving not amused with brewery for naming their beers after New Jersey Turnpike exits
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New York Times forced to remove several photos and issue an apology due to a reader seeing a few shops in his time
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| (Some Guy) |
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Physical injuries caused by texting on the rise. EVERYBODY PAN - - (thud)
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In an effort to garner public sympathy, striking public union boss refers to citizens that cut their park grass as "scabs"
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Headmistress accused of using school funds to pay for Caribbean holiday. Jamaica? No, she did it entirely voluntarily
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Cheeky monkeys at The Register react to news of Mel Gibson-Jodie Foster collaboration: "We came"
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Scientist claims Galileo discovered Neptune in 1613, but was persecuted for "heretical" research, as revealed in a hidden coded message yet to be discovered. No, this is not the storyline of Dan Brown's next book
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Supermax prison officials, citing guidance from the FBI, determined that passages in "Dreams from My Father" and "The Audacity of Hope" contain information that could damage national security
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A good laugh said to give a great orgasm a run for its money. Fark: But not if it comes while you're getting undressed
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Afghanistan revises 'marital rape' law, no longer requires women to submit to sex with their husbands; new, improved version only requires that they do housework
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Angry that you're being paid in California IOUs? Blame fat people
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| (WLBZ2.com) |
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New billboard in Florida aims to stop people from talking on their cell phones while driving, do a little more reading of huge billboards at 80 mph
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And lo, Nestlé said unto the FDA "let my cookie-dough flow"
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The City of Denver would like you to know that they are not issuing more parking tickets just because of the economy. And never mind the meter maids with measuring tape to make sure cars are parked legally
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Next up on the Wheel of Media Fearmongering: Ship smokestacks and how they'll kill us all
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"Rule 1 for zombies: You have to want to kill people. You have to want to rip someone's throat out. It doesn't matter if they are your mother or your wife or your dog." It's not news, it's NPR
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That bottled water you paid $2 for has less regulations imposed on it than the water piped to a public water fountain
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| (Some Spaniard) |
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Spain's spymaster defends himself from charges of taking expensive vacations at taxpayer expense with worst Photoshop ever, is forced to step down, stop tweeting (with real and faked pics)
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It looks like Canada has a bad case of brain freeze: Manitoba has been named the world's leading market for 7-11's Slurpees for the 10th consecutive year
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Ugly ass baby giraffe born at Jacksonville Zoo. It's got legs that won't quit
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Darwin scores first victory in 15 years at annual Running of the Dipshiats in Pamplona
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...so here's some ugly-ass hairless baby macaque monkeys that look like George W. Bush
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You should never have to apologize for being right. Even when you're the editor of the Farmers' Almanac and you predicted all the rain on the east coast. Here's hoping he's wrong for the rest of the year
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Most unmarried U.S. couples who live together aren't trying to test their relationship -- they just want to spend more time together
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Behold the 10 ugliest plants in the world. Audrey II strangely absent
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British man faces prosecution for making up news headlines. Drew cancels London travel plans
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Four-year-old girl hijacks forklift, drives into heating oil tank, causes spill. That's just the way she rolls
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Mynd you, møsquitø bites Kan be pretty nasti
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"Sometimes, you get what you expect. Generally, you meet better people at church than you do at a strip club."
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They should have known that you can't just walk down the streets of Manhattan dressed as Superman and Batman in this post-9/11 world. With great craziness comes great responsibility
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The coolest origami city you will see until the artist burns it down. Wait, what?
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Budgie will become a hero, and a father, after flying out to sea
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| (Irish Independent) |
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Convicted rapist cites fear of having to ingest killer red onions in jail in bid to avoid sentencing. Court rules he may have to learn to swallow something meatier
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Over a 30-day period, U.S. Marshalls arrested over 35k fugitives netting 2,356 sex-offenders, 433 murder suspects, 82 firearms, 2,400 kilograms of narcotics and 1,211 were from Cleveland. Do the math
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| (The Pulse) |
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Tennessee Aquarium presents a bowl full of ugly-ass baby penguin. A little milk and we'll have a hit new breakfast cereal
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| (Some Guy) |
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Judge allows Twitter-using DA to 'tweet' upcoming muder trial over defense objections. Prosecution's argument? DA only has 10 or so followers so "it's just not that big a deal." That'll probably change now
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Photoshop theme: The end of the universe
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NY Times thinks their website users would pay five bucks per month. Listen, for the last time, no one is going to pay to read web content
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Fewer calories allow monkeys to live longer. Good thing you're not a monkey
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| (Oshkosh Northwestern) |
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"Resident found out it's not OK to shoot raccoons and gerbils...He told police that he and his neighbors frequently shoot at nuisance animals." Wait, gerbils?
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| Thu July 09, 2009 |
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Thousands homeless after China Quake. Quisp unavailable for comment
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Ugly-ass okapi born at Denver Zoo. In fact, "okapi" means "ugly-ass" in Swahili
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If you find a live grenade in your newly purchased vehicle, you probably shouldn't wait a month to call authorities
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Family tries to lure back lost dog by spraying their own urine all over town. They then want to capture a pigeon and shiat on its head
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"Oh damn." Obama caught blatantly ogling some of the nicer scenery at the G8 summit, while Sarkozy looks on in approval
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this artistic smoker
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Swami Baba Ramdev has challenged a landmark Indian court ruling legalising gay sex, claiming it is a "disease" that can be cured by yoga
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AZ man blows a smooth .40 with almost sober looking mugshot
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When trying to get away from the police, driving off a boat launch only works on tv and the movies. And then not very often
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Sears, Kmart already selling Christmas merchandise
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MoveOn.org draws a crowd of 30 demonstrators in Alabama. None miss work
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| (Some Guy) |
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People were looking for sexual favors on Craigslist in exchange for tickets to Michael Jackson's memorial service. "You must be outgoing and busty."
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Toronto mayor tries to tell world everything is fine; cut off as press conference attacked by giant pack of marauding rats
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"If it weren't for overdraft fees, 45% of banks and credit unions wouldn't have made money in 2008"
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Woman's cunning attempt to elude police during car chase ends when she A. Hits a tree B. Runs out of gas C. Stops to light her crack pipe
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Obama: Poorer nations should fight harder against global warming. Poorer Nations: Obama should EABOD. That's all we have for dinner. It's really not that bad
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Nielsen survey explains scientifically why your mom sends you five fwd:'s a day (with a minimum of two that have been debunked on Snopes)
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Photo processing company sued for handing over pics of stoner's pot harvest to cops. In related news, people still take photos of their pot farms with film
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Massachusetts prosecutor finds century-old law making it a crime to crash a train while trying to send a text message
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MJ's funeral was a rare glimpse into African-American culture. Because African-Americans are all surgery-addicted white female chimp-owning pedophile painkiller-popping dancin' machines with Elephant Man bone fetishes
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British town seeking to hire witch, offers annual salary of $80,000; Ann Coulter reportedly applies after mishearing the story
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Surgery Tech with Hepatitis C steals syringes filled with painkiller, replaces them with used ones. 6,000 people possibly infected
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| (Jacksonville Journal-Courier) |
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Let's see, we have Michael Jackson, kids, a carnival ride and Illinois. There must be a headline there somewhere. Think, damnit, think
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| (wptv.com) |
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If you are going to illegally tint your car windows, don't drive without a seatbelt or carry an AK-47 in the trunk
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Todays made-up Stephen Harper controversy: Being less than 2 minutes late for a photo-op
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"A bolt of lightning? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?"
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"Woman" arrested for poking boyfriend in groin with sex toy. With link in story to mugshot "goodness"
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While most Americans were watching the Michael Jackson circus, Obama was selling out Western Europe
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Man steals Sidney Crosby photograph from Tim Hortons, escapes across Trans-Canada highway according to Mounties. Beaver
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Dead in Chicago suburb rise from the grave. You'd think it was election day
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Man skips out on $200 bill for "Only God can judge me" tattoo with praying hands
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When chatting with border guards, try to relax and not think about the millions of dollars of cocaine in your truck
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Script for "Facebook: The Movie" leaks. Apparently Mark Zuckerberg loses all his friends. So it's more like a documentary
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Jack Cafferty: "Alec Baldwin's MFA in drama does not qualify him for public office." Alec Baldwin: "Jack Cafferty nearly killed a man and fled the scene of the crime." Jack Cafferty: "Why you gotta go there?"
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Even Roger Ebert thinks the whole "Black Transformers" controversy is silly
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| (Independent Florida Alligator) |
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Christian church posts sign claiming "Islam is of the Devil." Hilarity ensues
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New edition of Webster's dictionary adds words such as "frenemy" and "locavore", says group of 13-year-old girls who now serve as the editors
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| (The Olympian) |
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9th Circuit rules that religious whacko pharmacy owners can't withhold Plan B sales. The owners claim that their constitutional rights are being violated; for who could forget the 28th Amendment, enshrining the right to douchebaggery for all
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Cash-starved Americans turn to canning food to save money. Headline in three weeks: botulism now killing more Americans than handguns
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People who use payday loans often take out another once they pay the first one back, since they are clearly financial geniuses for using payday loans in the first place
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When you're feeling blue, remember that you're not Eden Stamm. "He lives in a 630-square-foot apartment with six pinball machines"
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El Nino is back. And this time it's personal
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Scientists stop screwing around with the small stuff, come up with drug that flat out adds 10 years to your life
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Police release Sahel Kazemi DUI arrest video that shows McNair getting out of the car and leaving
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Things are tough all over, Part 27: Sea lions at New York Aquarium reduced to selling kisses for $200 a pop. Half price for furries
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| (Some Banjo-Fearing Guy) |
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Extra from Deliverance charged with having sex with babysitter, making him squeal like a pig
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Time magazine poses the trenchant, perspicacious question no one else ever dared to ask: Why are Southerners so fat? With rhino-thighed photo goodness
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From angry muslims who hate a book to angry muslims who hate cartoons, we are back to angry muslims who hate a book
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| (TodaysTHV) |
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Still on the run after three home invasions, four stolen cars (two wrecked), one kidnapped and pregnant 18-year old girlfriend, and a four star police wanted level. Damn, this guy's going for my GTA: San Andreas high score
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| (Some Guy) |
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Jail inmates' plan to light cigarette with a spark from an electrical socket goes up in smoke
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Guy who was worried inner city kids would "change the complexion" of Philly swimming pool was Obama supporter... wait, what?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this toxic spill recovery vacuum thingy
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New study shows that women spend a year of their lives deciding what to wear, probably because they never seem to accept "it looks fine, now can we just go?" as an answer
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Have you heard the one about the Polish woman who said her daughter got pregnant from stray sperm in the hotel pool?
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| (Irish Times) |
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Because she has nothing better to do, the Virgin Mary has appeared on a tree stump in Ireland. (With pic for your Fark Folder of course)
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The pranksters who stole a Statue of Liberty replica from a Brooklyn bookshop have been reclassified as terrorists
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| (Some Guy) |
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One night into a week long camping trip, two intrepid adventurers activate emergency beacon and get rescued from the Alaska wilderness. Guess the reason: a) attacked by bears; b) slipped while hiking and broke a leg; c) it's too bright out
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Swedish strip club continues McDonalds inspired expansion. There's no sex in the thickshake room
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| (RTV-6) |
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There is a wallaby loose in Muncie, Indiana. Last seen hanging out with a turtle and a cow near a comic book store
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Nevada high court rules that DMV cannot deny "HOE" license plate based on UrbanDictionary definitions. Wow, what tools
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| (grist.org) |
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"Food safety legislation leaves gaping hole for meat giants"
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How one iconic corner pizza joint in Brooklyn got ruined by tourists and hipsters
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Hello JFK tower, this is JetBlue flight #258. I saw a turtle."
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| (Some Guy) |
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Drunken englishman call 911 40 times over sore throat. I say
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Man arrested for injecting people with silicone meant for furniture. This is not a deleted scene from Soylent Green
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If you're going to use a blow torch to dismantle an empty insulated trailer, make sure it's not next to another trailer filled with fertilizer and pesticide
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Babysitter accused of having sex with 14-year-old-boy offers up simple explanation: "I-da-ho."
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Photoshop theme: In honor of Viewmaster the Movie, photoshop other toys that shouldn't be made into movies
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| (Some Guy) |
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88-year old former B-17 pilot gets the chance to go up in a restored bomber, says no. "If I can't fly it, I'm not going"
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| (CFNews13) |
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Orlando among the worst on list of cities with best drivers. Submitter laughs at these bad drivers, and can even post on Fark while d
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| (Some "Eat Me" Blog) |
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Behold the best sandwich in America: The "Three Little Pigs." Smoked ham, a breaded pork cutlet, two strips of bacon, and two fried eggs, blanketed in a thick coat of gruyere
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 218: "Shiny, Shiny Metal". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed July 08, 2009 |
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Barack Obama is now the fifth face on Mount Rushmore
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| (Willamette Week) |
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Portland food cart wars: India Chaat House vs. Bombay Chaat House
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| (Daytona Beach News-Journal) |
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Woman to would-be rapist: "I'm 80 years old, what's wrong with you"
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Warning - your stock (broker) may go down as well as up
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| (Greasy Meat Stick News) |
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Our nation is suffering a Slim Jim shortage due to an explosion at the Slim Jim factory last month. And yet still Obama does nothing
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Put this in your pipe and smoke it: MPP running ad campaign suggesting decriminalization would be kind to cash-strapped California government
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Rupert Murdoch pays £1,000,000 to silence phone-tapped victims
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Photoshop This Hare
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Spanish police arrest loony money-tossing man who looked like a tramp and had a very bad smell only to release him upon realizing he was merely British
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If a middle-aged British woman orders some slippers from your home shopping network, don't ship them with a free bondage equipment catalog unless you're really sure she wants one
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Man electrocuted while trying to trim ohmleander tree
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If you're going to torch your getaway car to destroy any forensic evidence, it helps to wait until you've actually got away
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"I sprayed Pam all over everything to try and grease it, but he's a 215 pound animal"
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| (City Pages) |
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Pothead protip: when cops come to your house to resolve a hostage situation, they'll still arrest you for the weed farm in your basement. Especially if you were lying about the hostage situation
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| (Some Paradoxical Guy) |
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The siege of St. Petersburg, Then and Now- Photoshop crossing 75 years of history
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Connecticut man goes to dental appointment naked, will experience two cavity searches in the same day
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Prank caller gets man to trash hotel room. Bonus points for breaking mirror to "get to hidden gas masks"
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21 year old man steals a baby skunk from a pet store & gets away. Authorities were able to apprehend the man when he tried to buy 40 gallons of tomato juice at a grocery store
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We use only the finest workers, dew-picked and trucked in from Camden, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope
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Hi, I'm Bob Villa. Today on "This Old House," I'm going to show you how to lasso an eight-foot-long alligator with an extension cord
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Cab company boss defends longhauling allegations in Vegas. Anyone who's taken a cab from the airport to the strip via the 'tunnel' knows what longhauling is
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The secret to how dinosaurs got so big is revealed. McDonald's claims vindication
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The story: Cotton plants sprayed with endosulfan sometimes produce cotton fabrics containing totally harmless byproducts. The headline: MILLIONS OF US HAVE POISON IN OUR PANTS
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Despite being safer than driving or riding a bike, Transportation Secretary LaHood assures us that flying on planes will KILL US ALL
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| (Some Guy) |
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Black children kicked out of pool because snowflakes mommy was scared they might change the "complexion" of the facility
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| (The Larely Beagle) |
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Coors Light to release new shotgunnable can with second tab on side. Consider the gauntlet thrown down, Busch Light
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| (The Pulse) |
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Ever wonder what cops have nightmares about? Wonder no more
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Owner of army surplus store ordered to take down a mannequin dressed in combat fatigues because it's giving nearby bank workers flashbacks about a recent robbery (pic)
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BBQ in honor of Oscar G. Mayer. Dead at 95. Mustard to the left, ketchup to the right
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Six badass tricks you can do with fire that might kill you
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You will agree this is the lamest use of the word "standoff" in a headline after you read what happened at this Jersey City Burger King
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| (Some Guy) |
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Elderly woman bludgeons a deer fawn to death with a shovel, tries to use the "It's coming right for us" defense
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Kim Jong Il hacks the internets. Which ones? All of them
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Firefighters discover marijuana growing in man's burning home. Firefighters report that *cough* all the plants were *giggle* destroyed in the fire. Are you going to finish those fries?
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ACLU sues city so that Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church can continue to yell 'God Hates Fags' at military funerals
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Getting busted twice in five hours for a DUI is bad enough, but when the second one is at 7:15 in the morning, its time to rethink your life
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Happy 123456789 at 12:34:56 on 7-8-9. Tell us how you'll celebrate (with voting)
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After a day on YouTube, United Air changes tune about Broken Guitar
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| (Some Guy) |
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The mayor of Marion, Ill., is not worried about former GitMo detainees leaving jail and settling in his area: "We don't have sand or camels." Stay classy, fella
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Women who blame their mothers for weight problems may be right, fat
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Marion Barry's late-night press conference goes hilariously awry with the appearance of a screaming ex-girlfriend
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Ahh, those father-son bonding moments we all remember so fondly: Playing catch, going fishing, disposing of a hooker's body
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The bottled water you are drinking may harm you. Or maybe not. In either case, hearings today are sure to raise the price you pay for it
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| (Some Guy) |
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Two drunk punks use utes to drag race around a neighborhood in the middle of the night. What the hell is a ute?
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British schoolchildren encouraged to read to dogs to improve their literacy skills. Quite why we need a nation of literate dogs has yet to be explained
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Photoshop this Muller's barbet bird guarding its nest
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Drunk badger blocks German road; police hope to lure it off the street with a mushroom mushroom
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| (Some Guy) |
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The first rule of cardboard tube fight club is no outside tubes allowed
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| (WSB-TV) |
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Smash-and-grab robberies of cell phone stores tend to be more lucrative when you loot the real phones, not the hollow replica display phones
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LA City Council approves hundreds of "hardship" applications for medical marijuana dispensaries then orders them to shut down even though it hasn't changed ordinances under which they were approved
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Don't forget to rinse off before you get in the car
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FDA requires new "this might kill you" warning on Darvocet, Darvon, Davros, Daleks
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Ugly ass red panda twins - it's not what you think
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Violent drunks in Australia are being punished... with free food. That'll teach 'em
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| (Some Slow Guy In Front Of You) |
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"Frequent irritability while driving may well be a clue that it is time to re-think perspectives and reactions to life. Some anger management strategies may also be in order"
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Female reporter covering orthodox Jewish protest discovers the horrors of 'Jewkake''
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Oh no ... Oh my gosh There's a bear on my car," Figgat said. But figgat about that. Come read about the bear, but stay for the pic
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If you need help with your marriage and want to hire a faith healer, look for one with the official "I Won't Make You Sit in a Tub of Alcohol, Then Drop in a Lit Candle" seal of approval
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| (SLO Tribune) |
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If you've recently had stuff stolen from your car, the best way to get it back is: A) file a police report, hope they're working in shifts down at the lab; B) the power of prayer; C) find it for sale on eBay
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Home invaders dressed as Prince George's County police break into three houses, ziptie the occupants, steal cash and bigscreen TV. They didn't shoot anyone, which is how people knew they weren't real PG County cops
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Today's fail pic comes courtesy of the yacht racer who just slightly misjudged an overtaking maneuver
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If you're staging a SWAT raid in a residential neighborhood for a TV show, you should probably tell the people who live there beforehand
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| (Some Guy) |
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Manhattan's four remaining phonebooths. You may want to bookmark this, Clark
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this character caught in the crotch of a tree
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City will fine stores if any shopping carts are taken more than 100 feet away from property
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Your "man or woman?" mugshot of the day
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New survey says more and more people think either Buzz Lightyear or Louis Armstrong was the first man to be faked landing on the moon
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Judges ban man from getting drunk in England or Wales for the next seven years. Apprently they forgot just how close Ireland and Scotland are
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US government websites attacked on Fourth of July, Justin Long and Bruce Willis are on the case
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The truth is out there
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| Tue July 07, 2009 |
| (Some Guy) |
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Man steals a stop sign. 35 years later he sends $600 to the county to make up for his "youthful indiscretion." Then his chubby sidekick crosses that one off the list
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Investigators from the GAO over the past year successfully smuggled bomb-making materials into 10 high-security federal buildings, constructed bombs and walked around undetected
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I wonder which box Ken will come in?
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US AID contract company brings a little taste of America to Afghanistan. Unfortunately, it's from the segregated South
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Proving that plagiarism and Godwin don't pay, judge denies Ward Churchill's demand that the University of Colorado either pay up or reinstate him
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| (Some Guy) |
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11 year old in Boulder will climb 14 mountains in 14 days, all of them over 14,000 feet to raise money for a sick friend. Your kid can't start the lawnmower
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"Baby Floats Recalled." Maybe the root beer was too warm and the babies melted
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German Pope calls for a financial new world order. Now where have I heard something like that before?
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If you constantly hear a whooshing sound, you might have tinnitus. If other people can hear the whooshing sound and it's coming from your ear, you might be in big trouble
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Photoshop this police officer using his head
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New wetsuit with blood and wound designs makes swimmer look like they've been attacked by shark, may attract shark attack
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Airline passengers surprised when engine propeller joins them in cabin
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John Mayer proves he's not the douchenozzle we all expected at the MJ funeral
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"Galveston baffled by 30 burnt palm trees." If you suffer from burnt palms, you might want to use more lotion, k?
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| (Gigaom) |
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AT&T Will Scare You Into Keeping Your Landline
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If you get pulled over on suspicion of a DUI, the cop will respect you more if you have your pants on. "He was driving commando."
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Crazy-eyed chemist files suit in Tampa, saying Lindsay Lohan stole her: A) crystal meth B) girlfriend C) formula for self-tanning lotion. Hint: Florida tag
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Michael Jackson's family wants him buried in concrete to deter thieves. Pedophile grave robbing trifecta complete
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| (Some Law Professor) |
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California joins 33 other states in supporting incorporation of the Second Amendment (Scroll Down)
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Man struck by lightning at fourth celebration. Should have quit after third celebration
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Alberto Gonzalez set to teach "special topics" at Texas Tech. No word if its torture 101 or how to forget information when its needed
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Man arrested for impersonating: A) "Commissioner of Police," B) "Commander Chief 492," C) "secret operative of the FBI," or D) President John Quincy Adams?
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Top 10 Biggest Douchebags in TV News
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Obama to Israel: Don't listen to that numbskull Biden. We don't know what he's been smoking
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United Airlines breaks musician's $3500 guitar, refuses to accept responsibility and fix it. Musician promises to write and produce three songs about his experience and make videos. Here is video #1
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Drunken farm tractor driver leads police on slow chase; police await official results of BAC test, but expect driver was really plowed
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Ohio Councilman shocked to discover that replacement swans are not viewed as a lifesaving economy measure by local taxpayers
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Giant mideast dust storm visible from space. See it here, or wait a week for your aunt to fwd it to you in an email about how the US is testing giant chemical weapons in Iraq
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Memphis celebrates its first elephant birth at the Memphis Zoo. Good thing it was born in West Tennessee, 'cause in East Tennessee they would have hanged it
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NY Times has put the Boston Globe up for sale. So far, potential buyers have reacted as if the newspaper were on fire, covered with Ebola, and teetering on a huge rent in the Earth in which magma bubbles menacingly
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Two-year-old boy's body stolen from grave; authorities dispatched to the Staples Center as a precautionary measure
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| (New Haven Register) |
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Connecticut man arrested while trying to shoot off tree limb
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