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| Sun May 31, 2009 |
| (OC Register) |
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The story of Craig and his helper monkey. Malcolm and Lois unavailable for comment
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Egyptian man cuts off own penis. Osirisly
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Someone has swiped Ted Williams' notes on his secret fishing holes which were expected to bring $1,000 at auction
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Queen honours the Wizard of New Zealand for 'services to the community'. No, this is not a repeat from 1309 and yes, New Zealand has an official wizard
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| (Some Guy) |
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101 year old woman has smoked more than 171,500 cigarettes since she started at age seven; "You gotta have some vice. Some drink until it's coming out of their ears ... me, I smoke"
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News: Recently-appointed Sheriff for Monmouth County, OR has over 34 years experience in law enforcement. Not News: Because he retired for 13 years, the state wants him to go back to the Police Academy. Fark: He's 70
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Photoshop this fluke
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| (Some Guy) |
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Nerdiest tattoos you'll see all day, including DNA strands, formulas, and an entire backpiece of a microscope (w/pics)
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OK, this story has it all. War on terror, nanny state, trainspotters. All we need now is some Aussie chick humping an oil tanker to make it complete
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It took a while, but the iceberg won in the end
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Happy "World No Tobacco Day"
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| (Some Guy) |
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The ten most-influential stand-up comedians of the 2000's. Heckling to the right
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This just in: Canada is not part of the United States. Who knew?
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Stuff you don't want to hear on the phone: 1. "This is the IRS." 2. "I'm calling from the hospital about your mother." 3. "I just drove by your field and your cows are exploding"
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Wichita abortion provider George Tiller shot to death on his way into church
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School offers course in homelessness, said to be preparation for liberal arts degrees
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UK judge rules that you can get your ass sued off for using the word "bogus". That's bogus
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Hugging among U.S. teenagers has become so prevalent some schools say they've banned the embrace or imposed limits on how long they last
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Size six rake: "I'm not thin enough to be a model
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Avian flu didn't get you worried? Swine flu make you go, "meh"? Well, have we got a story to make EVERYBODY PANIC
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Old and busted: "staycations" due to the economy. New hotness: "moviecations" due to the economy
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Japan: "Hey, about that whole Bataan Death March thing? Yeah, um... sorry about that guys. Our bad. We're good now, right?"
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| (Police Link) |
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State Troopers scuffle with EMTs while they are transporting a patient to the hospital. Submitter just shakes head. (Video linked in article)
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| (Some Cute Cottage) |
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Photoshop this high house
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Teen robber gets can of whupass opened on him by senior citizens bowling league
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150 years of bongs. For tobacco use only, of course
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If you're heading to Canada or Mexico tomorrow, better bring along your passport. Don't have one? Well, sucks to be you then, comrade, let me see your papers
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| (Honolulu Star-Bulletin) |
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Hawai'i high school recalls yearbooks for potentially offending state's six African-American residents
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Robin becomes the new superhero marathon champion, beating out Superman, Wonderwoman, Batman and others
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Phil Spector has befriended a cockroach behind bars: 'I'm naming him Wilson'
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Search mother and daughter's bags, inadvertently letting mom know her daughter is on the Pill? That will cost you C$10,000
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Triplets graduate high school, their dad is serving in Iraq. Local TV station hooks it up so Dad can watch & congradulate his sons via live video link
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Man bets on his own life, wins. Bookie says "never have I been so pleased to pay a winning client"
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Photoshop this agitated angel
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Guy who bid $3.8 million to deflower 22-year old "Natalie Dylan" forced to pull out earlier than expected. By his wife
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Man: "I have a bomb" SWAT Officer: "And now you have a bullet"
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Dogs' natural desire to sniff butts make training them to sniff out contraband cellphones in prison a challenge
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So, what would have happened if Katrina had hit NYC instead?
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| Sat May 30, 2009 |
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In the hallway, if an employee walks slower than 5 meters every 3.6 seconds, an alarm and flashing lights are set off, reminding the poor startled worker that he's an inefficient waste of air
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Morbidly obese quadriplegic who can't eat, drink, use the toilet or bathe himself without aid and needs a hoist to transfer him from his bed to his motorized wheelchair has been sentenced to 10 years for conspiring to manufacture ecstasy
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LAPD find a suspected serial killer. Just one problem, it wasn't the one they were looking for
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Photoshop this woman wrapped in white
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"You could forgive trannie heels if they just made an appearance at parties. But the woman who wears these shoes is too scared to be seen without them. It's a physical addiction, like extreme breast enhancement"
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"Berlusconi blocks photos of topless girls at his house." Not "block" in the sense of not allowing photos or topless girls at his house; more like, "No, you can't print photos of topless girls at my house"
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Coach actor Craig T. Nelson says he may stop paying taxes and is willing to go to jail to protest wasteful spending
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| (Some Japanese Dude) |
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The coolest way to look at news you'll see today
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Well the southside of Chicago is the baddest part of town and if go down there you better just beware your garage door will pin you to the ground
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Aquarium holds sushi-making class
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Move over 911 call for chicken mcnuggets. Hawaiian calls 911 because McDonalds left an orange juice out of his drive through meal
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| (Some Guy) |
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Idiot attempts drive-by shooting, misses with all four shots, then promptly crashes his vehicle into a pole
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Rangel advises Obama not to go to Harlem without ID because of mistaken shooting of lone, plainclothes cop brandishing weapon. Which is, of course, very similar to a Presidential entourage
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| (Some Guy) |
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The governator unveils phased plasma rifle in the 40 watt range
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"Failure of Detroit isn't about economics but, rather tragic romance, magic killed by bureaucrats, bad taste, busybodies." By P.J. O'Rourke
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10 minute compilation of "famous people on drugs.." Starting, of course, with Ozzy
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Obesity called "a self-inflicted burden on society" and one that won't change until society treats fatties with the same disdain it now reserves for smokers
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| (Plan. Not. Thought. Through) |
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Arkansas prison work program designed to more rapidly integrate convicts back into society works better than planned after two murderers don prison guard uniforms, which are manufactured by prisoners, and walk out
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Family rescues ugly-assed baby moose from pack of wild dogs. With awww pics
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| (ABC4) |
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Ah, prom night. One dreams of it for years. Tuxes and dresses, music and corsages, dancing and handcuffs... wait - what?
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Killer caterpillars with up to two-million hairs each are on the rampage...but if you can survive the next four weeks, you'll be ok
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One in five Brits don't actually know where they are during their holidays
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| (Vancouver Sun) |
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Police target cyclists with 'information tickets'. Cycling without a bell can be a $109 fine. Cyclists who hit a pedestrian and then leave the scene could be charged with hit-and-run, a criminal offence
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Improvement plans for Liberty Memorial in Kansas City include building a fence around it
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So, you're having a great day riding along on your motorbike, your best girl's arms wrapped tightly around your waist, when all of a sudden, there's this mattress
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That's the trouble with Facebook, you just can't shake off your past, however hard you try
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| (Shorpy Photo Archive) |
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Photoshop this welder
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If you ever wondered what it would be like if a nutjob conspiracy theorist thought you were a serial killer and harassed you for decades, read this
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Bad news is we have to close the state parks and courthouses because of the budget constraints. The good news - keno is now legal
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Southwest Airlines flight attendant serves customer a full can of Coke, adds lecture about how much sugar it contains for free
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New study shows that Protestant Christians more accepting of gays than the rest of the country. Wait... what? Seriously... what?
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| (WWL) |
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Protip: If someone comes into your convenience store and says, "I need a BONG to smoke my MARIJUANA with," he might be an undercover cop wearing a wire
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Fire breaks out at petting-zoo, killing 30 animals and causing numerous hand burns
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The real victim in the Chrysler bankruptcy? Lee Iacocca, who'll be losing his company car and pension
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Old and busted: Autobots vs. Decepticons. New hotness: Optimus Prime vs. creationists
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16-year-old virgin cracks math puzzle that has stumped experts for more than 300 years
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Founder of the National Enquirer claims he had a "rock solid" story about John Kennedy having sex and smoking pot in the White House with one of Jackie's close friends, who was later murdered. Yeah, like he'd cheat on Jackie
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| (Some Guy) |
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The question for the jury is: "is it murder in Texas to shoot a guy who stole your cell phone?"
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| (ProJo.com) |
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Westboro Baptist Church shows up in Rhode Island to celebrate RI's stance on gay marriage. Counter protests include a young man in a bunny suit on with "I Love Boys" written on his belly
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Man files complaint to have Spencer's Gifts reclassified as an adult business because of the personal body massagers and black light posters they sell. The war on black lights has begun
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The Seattle Police Zombie Response Squad was finally called into action. Quick, to the Romero-copter
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Two vacationing San Jose cops on their way to San Francisco subdue violent airline passenger. No, this isn't an episode from that new summer crime show on the Bravo channel
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Doctors advise: skip the flip-flops this summer
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Groom saves drowning girl hours before wedding ceremony. No one available to save groom from taking plunge
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| (Some Maineiac) |
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Police raid charity poker game and seize $500 that was to go to feeding the poor
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| (Some Guy) |
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Happy news for kitties in this failing economy, as cats in poor homes less likely to be neutered. Kittens everywhere hope recession never ends, so they can continue to enjoy Caturday with their harbls intact
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| (news-leader.com) |
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Stinky ass "corpse flower" expected to bloom in St. Louis, improve general air quality
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Schoolgirls told to wear bike pants under their prom dresses to stop boys doing what boys do
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Man arrested after putting his robbery video on YouTube
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Photoshop this parental practice
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| (TheIndyChannel) |
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Not News: Man flips car while driving drunk. News: Uses tractor to attempt to tow the car home. Fark: Tows car on its top and drives off a bridge (with FAILriffic pic)
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It's official - an English delicacy of split peas and ham is a threat to airline security
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Man gets five years probation, but chooses a life of imprisonment on top of it
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| (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) |
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"Owner of Steals and Deals store arrested in theft scheme"
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Dope on a rope
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| (Fort Mill Times) |
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After slashing tires on four cop cars, it's best not to call 911 and brag about it
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| (Some Guy) |
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Ohio man pleads not guilty after being charged with disorderly conduct for mowing unkempt grass in a public park
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you're going to give away bobblehead dolls of a sitting President make sure they'll clear customs
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| Fri May 29, 2009 |
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When robbing a bank don't do it at the branch where you are a frequent customer and they know you by name
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Protip: Before donating clothes to a thrift store be sure to check your pockets for crystal meth
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Flaps? Check. Door Closed? Check. [take-off] Gas? Che... oh
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Crossbows recalled because the manufacturer just discovered they "can become dangerous under certain circumstances"
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Co-makers of life sized dolls battle it out in court over who has the rights to the trade secrets. BONUS: three hot Fox News info babes try to rationally discuss the story
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Unable to quit smoking using nicotine patches, gum, self-help books and willpower, man exiles himself on an uninhabited, smoke-free island
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White House says that Sotomayor "chose word poorly" when she said a wise Latina judge would make "better" decisions than a wise white male judge, trips and falls over itself backpedaling
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| (Springfield News Sun) |
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Clown funeral photos: Clowns honor a fallen friend
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| (Some Guy) |
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Munich man takes offense to tourist's east German accent, beats him with a live swan. Why, yes, as a matter of fact alcohol was involved
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| (Interested Guy) |
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Top five sluttiest wedding dresses
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Today's story of a 14-year-old male student having relations with his 27-year-old female teach--OH, GOD, NOOOOOOOO
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| (Some Guy) |
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Illinois lawmakers are busy handling the most pressing issues on their scheduled final few days of work. A new state budget. Ethics reform. Bowling shoe safety
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Conservatives continue to offer up an intelligent, reasoned debate about Sotomayor's nomination. Just kidding, G. Gordon Liddy says he hopes that the key conferences aren't when she's menstruating
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The Smoking Gun's weekend mugshot roundup is on hold
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President Obama is turning into Mayor McCheese
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| (Some Guy) |
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Ad for Asian massage parlor busted for prostitution: "Men are from Mars/women are from Venus/we understand that sometimes/it's all about the penis." That's some good undercover vice work there, Lou
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this rainy day
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Air samples taken from North Korea "Inconclusive." No radiation found
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The Tennessee legislature is going to let you carry your gun into bars, whether the governor likes it or not
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Mancow was not really waterboarded. The whole thing was a stunt. Appalled that a shock jock has not been truthful, America mourns
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Boys arrested for shoving buckets of chicken down their pants. Lends a whole new meaning to the term 'basket'
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Man steals his 86-year-old neighbor's identity to order $2,175.06 worth of online porn
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Middle school adult hall monitor not informed that his jurisdiction does not extend into the city streets
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The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner
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Map of the best beer in America. Also known as the Fark Vacation Guide
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CNN asks the burning question that has festered since the new millenium: Where the hell are the flying cars?
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Congratulations on passing your Advanced Placement tests. Unfortunately some of you were sitting at the end of the table, rather than the side of a table. Rules are rules, so you'll have to retake them
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Husband of abduction hoax woman seeks answers, but it's right there in her "Runaway Bride" eyes
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Boston Police may be issued assault rifles, Lite-Brite penetrating ammunition
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Africa to the world: We'd like $1 billion a year for, like, global warming and sinking islands and stuff. We won't use it to buy weapons or build palaces for our dictators, honestly. Pinky swear
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Prospective head of UNESCO, the UN's cultural agency, being opposed because he's not a big fan of Jewish culture. Which is actually the default position for the UN
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Asshat asphalt association assaults area after adjoined appear apprehensive
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Pizzeria owner closes shop claiming that media attention scared away customers. It had nothing do to with his being a Mob hit man who pistol-whipped customers
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| (Wilkes) |
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Man arrested after jumping out of two story window to elude police. Wearing only panties
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Apparently, Krispy Kreme doughnuts do the same thing to the sewers that they do to your digestive system
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Words to leave off your resume: "chronically ill," "habitually pregnant," "atheist"
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There is a right way and a wrong way to load a dishwasher. This guy is willing to fight for it
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this colorful field
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Africa's famous exports to the world: Blood-Diamonds, Somali pirates, Ebola, and a new and improved Ebola-like virus called Lujo. "This one's really really aggressive." Thanks Africa
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TSGs Friday Photo fun. Identify the rock band with the assorted vegetarian demands Contest ends at 4pm Eastern
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| (Santa Monica Daily Press) |
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Want to start your car by touching the starter solenoid with a screwdriver while underneath it? Fine, but please remember to take the car out of gear and set the handbrake first, will ya?
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| (WSB-TV) |
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Pizza delivery man rescues rape victim from her attacker's cabin, still doesn't get a tip
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| (The West) |
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State: We can't afford to pay police officers more. Cops: OK - well we'll stop issuing petty traffic violations and speeding tickets to raise revenue until you do. State: About that raise
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FINAL REMINDER: CT Fark Party/pub crawl. Saturday, May 30th. Starting 6pm at Vaughan's Public House in Hartford
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Insert lawsuit A into slot B
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If you're smoking marijuana while driving, and you have cocaine in the car, you probably shouldn't let your toddler hang out the window -- just sayin'
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It is unacceptable to threaten to beat your boss with a bat. Even if you're a cop, a union member, and your boss is the mayor
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Some wax sculptures are so lifelike, the only way to break the illusion is to reach out and touch them. Then there's the new wax President Obama in Gettysburg, which is basically an old wax sculpture of Jack Webb with a new coat of paint
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Swine flue vaccine may be available by October, which means another 10, maybe 15 people may have to needlessly die first
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National American University sues Naughty American University over who better prepares you for a career as a pole dancer
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Proving something we already knew, diet cookies are equivalent to torture
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British contortionist breaks world record for supporting her own weight with just her mouth. With "flexibility can never be overrated" picture
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On the run from the police over 12 sex offence charges, you pose for a picture in the local newspaper. What could possibly go wrong?
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Detroit IRS agent with a discerning sense of smell uses camera to find out who has been urinating in the office freight elevator, catches Pisstons player
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Photoshop theme: The ends of the earth
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Pest controller moves to better hunting grounds to meet demands of top chefs in England for fresh squirrel. Future of the rodent species now looks decidedly rocky
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Bikers refuse to have bullets removed as it may help convict the people who shot them. Yes really
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I didn't slap you, I high-fived your face
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Wikipedia bans Scientology
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| (Old Ephraim) |
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Mountain man's authentic frontier gibberish expressed a courage not seen in this day and age. Too bad his homemade knife had a defective sheath - but at least he wasn't Irish. Harumph
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Scotsman's passport stolen by alpine parrot. Scotsman's passport stolen by alpine parrot. Scotsman's passport stolen by alpine parrot
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| (Some Guy) |
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Grand jury convenes to consider whether a foreign exchange student who was forced to eat sardines and live with ex-convicts was either criminally neglected or merely living like a typical Scranton resident
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Group wants R-rating for any movie that has smoking in it and NC-17 for depiction of drinking, eating red meat, and driving without a seat belt on
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Lift legally parked car, paint yellow lines underneath, return car to the now illegal parking spot...profit?
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Top military official suggests there is good reason to build up troops in Korea
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Top military official suggests there is no reason to build up troops in Korea
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Back in the good old days, Roman Catholics were allowed to eat beavers on Fridays during Lent
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| (Some Guy) |
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I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash ya got
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| (Helsinki Times) |
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Just in time for this weekend's DIY project: Building your own coffin. Or as Tony Danza calls it, a career crate
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If you're going to steal $1 worth of gummie bears, don't make your getaway on a scooter loaded with meth
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Kavya Shivashankar wins National Spelling Bee after successfully completing the "Fill In your name" portion of the application
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| (KAKE) |
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By choosing the red instead of blue snow-cone at the Sedgwick County Zoo, you made a very wise choice Neo
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| Thu May 28, 2009 |
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Protip: Successful bank robbers don't brag about their crime on MySpace
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France snubs entire British royal family for 65th D-Day anniversary. British royal family says not to worry, they'll be in France by St. Crispin's Day
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| (Some site) |
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Old: Smuggling cell phones into prison via bodily cavities. New: Smuggling cell phones into prison via pigeons and toy helicopters
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Inmates are growing food to save money. Gives new meaning to "doin' thyme"
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The image of either Jesus Christ or Captain Hook appears on the lid of a jar of jelly. "He's never appeared in my food before."
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Photoshop this wonderful view
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Zimbabwe's main consumer rights group working to get GMO food banned as nation starves. In other news, Zimbabwe has main consumer rights groups. In other news, Zimbabwe has consumers
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| (Some Chick) |
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Dallas HOA tells disabled Vietnam vet to remove or cover his Marine Corps stickers from his car or it will be towed at his own expense
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Sharon Stone visits Turkey to emcee the opening of a new hotel. Speaks highly of neighboring country and Turkey's ally Chaka Khan. Yes, really
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Ric Romero reports that soda is not as healthy as we thought
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| (Some Guy) |
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You have a scheduled sobriety test as part of your bail conditions for your 5th drunk driving charge. Do you ... wait, don't even need multiple choice for this one
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Record shark catch reminds Floridians of the legend of "Old Hitler," a 20 foot shark that roams the Gulf of Mexico, sings loudly
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What an Epic FAIL might look like: after spending 32 years in prison, would-be assassin of Gerald Ford admits 'serious error'
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| (NBC Bay Area) |
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Georgia reporter forcibly removed from the tarmac after trying to give President Obama a letter urging him to preserve traditional marriage (w/ pic)
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Days Since Tom Sizemore Arrested: 0
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The Abu Ghraib photos the White House doesn't want released? Apparently they depict rape, torture and rape
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Settlement in death of woman ignored, left on floor in hospital. "What remains most important to this family is the criminal culpability for those responsible for what happened and those who attempted to cover it up." And $2 million
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Free meat delivered to I-80 in Northern California. Get it while it lasts. The catch: you have to fight the coyotes, crows and tweekers for it
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For sale: Blago's DC condo. Has great "flow". Seller motivated, needs money for legal defense. Original wiretaps still in place
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Mitsubishi Motors offers a free goat with every Triton sold. No, really
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Russian girl raised like a pet. Your daughter wants steak
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The crime rate in Detroit is dropping. Not because there's less crime, but because the police simply aren't showing up when called
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Man with sword robs 7/11 in Texas. With bulldog teeth mugshot. Magnificent
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Top 5 retarded Idol fan reactions to Adam Lambert losing
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Pittsburgh Steelers' James Harrison's son is recovering from a dog attack that hurt both him and his mother. James Harrison's concern, "Can I save my dog?"
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Today's 'spring thaws reveal a severed foot in a boot' story brought to you by Quebec
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Defense Secretary Robert Gates tells members of Congress that their pet projects suck donkey balls and they should focus their attention on the urgent needs of the soldiers in the field
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"Terminator: Salvation" director claims responsibility for Bale's tirade. It's as if they think the leaked audio has something to do with the movie bombing and not because it's an unsatisfying piece of garbage
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Politician suggests branding people on the butt to warn their partners that they have HIV. Hilarity ensues
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Eighteen year old boy elected prom queen at LA area High School. Some people will inevitably have a problem with this
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this cute kitten
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"Pulling out" nearly as effective as condoms, especially the refurbished ones
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| (Some Bubba) |
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Armpit serenades and mudpit belly flop will go on despite boy losing arm in last year's Redneck Games
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$232 million-dollar Powerball sold in Winner, South Dakota. Subby moving to Rich, Arkansas, with a winter home in Big Dick Springs, Kentucky
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You know that rumor about Chrysler closing Republican dealerships? Well now minority dealerships claim GM is picking on them
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| (Five Thirty Eight) |
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Yes, most of the dealerships closed down in the Chrysler bankruptcy donated Republican. So did most of the dealerships that remained open
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"Some view Detroit as a symbol of a vast industrial failure. Delta Air Lines sees it as a jewel*" *Leaving airport not recommended and subject to $75 fee
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| (Reading Eagle) |
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So first the pedophile was all like, "Hey Judge can I get a reduction in my sentence?" Then the judge was like, "What's that? You want 7 times the sentence? OK."
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When the family of a slain teen lives near the family of the man acquitted of his murder, you can expect the occasional street brawl with bear spray and metal pipes
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Frame-by-frame Taser test slideshow shows just how effective weapon can be at making cops look like the goofiest people alive
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California wants the federal government to guarantee its loans. In other news, Lindsay Lohan wants the government to guarantee her sobriety
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The Swiss, already well-known as the world's biggest pranksters, capitalize on April Fool's joke in which the country's tourism board sought applications for "mountain cleaners"
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I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome your white noise machine is
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Now that a semi-famous four year old has died at home, CNN would like to remind us that just about everything in our homes is a deadly weapon
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| (Wasilla Frontiersman) |
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Palin's hometown newspaper isn't afriad to ask the hard questions. Such as will the antichrist be a homosexual?
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| (Chicago Tribune) |
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Drew Peterson calls a Chicago radio talk show from jail and ad-libs a Mastercard commercial on-air. Claiming you didn't do it but having to sit in jail accused of murder anyway? Priceless
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Step 1: Spend two hours doing a project. Step 2: Leave knowing you've done a good job. Step 3: The boss goes in, spreads poop all over your hard work, and calls it awesome. Step 4: Profit, apparently
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Remorseful rock-throwing strip-game douchebags explain why they are dumbasses (w/video) In other news, Jon and Kate hate each other
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Hurricane season starts June 1. Expect many headlines about Obama's hurricane machine and how he hates New Orleans and black people
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Come to Cleveland, where the economy is based on LeBron James, the streets are filled with drifters, and broken-down homes can be had for the price of a VCR
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You know those bodies left over at funeral home that closed 6 years ago that were discovered when the building was purchased this week? Well, the former funeral director says they're not his bodies. Unlikely tag to receive autopsy
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| (ThisIsNottingham) |
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Man has his card swallowed by ATM. Lest anyone else suffer the same fate, he calls the police and punishes the machine with his trusty brick. Then when the police show up all of a sudden he's the bad guy
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Police write 233 tickets before someone notices town's "No Parking" signs are fake
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Review site Yelp decides to run an article on bicycle shops and events, with the cheeky headline "Put the fun between your legs." But apparently the sponsor, San Francisco Women Against Rape didn't appreciate the innuendo
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| (News 14 Carolina) |
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Dog kills cat; cat owner kills dog; dog owner shoots cat owner and cat owner's 8-year-old daughter; dog owner shoots two sheriff's deputies then gets the fark out of there
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Photoshop theme: New uses for old water bottles
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| (Some Guy) |
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Salt on the wound: Prison guard charged with rape after SHE becomes pregnant with inmate's baby. (With "HOW ABOUT NO" pic)
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Burger King to offer healthier kids meals. These include...wait for it...FRIED apple slices
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British teacher fired for publishing novel describing sexual encounters with some of her students
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A look inside North Korea, a nation so backward and brain dead that it makes Arkansas look like the Algonquin Round Table by comparison. Don't feel bad that you didn't understand that reference, Arkansas
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Israel to continue building West Bank settlements despite US calls to stop them. US last seen searching for the balls to stop paying for them
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Driving a hearse may be hard work but try to deliver the body before you stop for a beer
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Boy rescues baby brother from house fire, goes back for six puppies. Dad struggles to get out of his chair
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Restaurant tells diners not to eat the bluefin tuna dish on its menu because the fish is endangered
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man tells McDonald's manager his pet is a "service dog" in order to bring it inside restaurant. So-called service dog sleeps away as the man gets tasered for trespassing
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Gunman to employee at Trump Casino: "You're fired. Upon"
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Another sign of the bad economy: Costco to try accepting food stamps in their stores. If that works, will try accepting euros, Wal-Mart gift cards and bags of shells, but apparently not Visa and Mastercard
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Now that you've called 911 to claim you and your 9-year-old daughter were in car trunk, being kidnapped by two black men in Philadelphia, what are you going to do? "We're going to Disney World"
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Understaffed health clinic in Prague offers free breast implants to new Nurses and Doctors. In other news, hospitalization jumps 876% amongst the male populace
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Safety first. Especially when you're stealing power from the electricity grid. Would be pretty embarrasing if it caused a fire or something
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| (KFOR) |
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Pharmacist who protected himself and his employees against armed robber in his store charged with murder
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A storage facility catches fire, a camera crew shows up. Renter Gordie Wofford shows up and provides comedy gold. Click the video and wait... for... IT
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 212: Birds. Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed May 27, 2009 |
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Survey shows that if money were no object, Canada would be the # 1 country tourists would prefer to visit. You'll be shocked with the bottom 5 countries
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So your wife might be dating a new guy? Do you A) Wish her luck B) Find a woman of your own C) Look up his criminal record in the police database
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Germans embarassed by their countrymen traveling abroad, but that still doesn't stop them from wearing microscopic Speedos around the pool
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Kim Jong Il is a Twitterer. "Just ordered 12 executions. Feel like a salad for lunch."
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Rare cache of previously unseen WWII photos discovered. Some of them actually show the Allies winning the war without the help of the Americans - or as they call the U.S. in Europe, 'the bench'
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When the "what could possibly go wrong" cliche is an understatement: Univ. of Chicago student forms "Men in Power" student group that promises to help men get ahead professionally
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Three-legged turtle uses Tonka toy prosthesis to help it get around. With perhaps the coolest picture you will see this week
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Todays Fark-ready headline: Why is there buttock stabbing in Rome?
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Tunguska event was really a UFO saving Earth. If the greys could see the Earth today, they would have let it be destroyed
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| (Some Guy) |
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More than 650,000 cancer deaths avoided, freeing those people up to die from other things
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PROTIP: Avoid saying "bite me" to your co-worker, in case he/she doesn't understand figures of speech
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Priest: I am a man of the cloth who shows others the way of god and love, I would never hurt anyone. Health Ministry: Dude, we got you on tape beating them with a shovel
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How do you make a 6% unemployment rate sound really bad? "Employment Insurance claims 185% higher than last year"
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Photoshop this reflected religious man
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| (Atlanta Business Chronicle) |
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Digital Transition is set for two weeks from Friday. This IS a repeat from a couple months ago
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| (MyWay News) |
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Survey: Most economists don't know what the hell they're talking about
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'Proud non-reader' Kanye pens 52 page book of "Kanye-isms" including gems like "I hate the word hate" "Auto-tune is my career" and "Don't buy your moms lipo"
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JetAmerica airlines ready to launch with fares as low as $9*. [*pressurized cabin access: $150, Seat: $75, Any luggage/carry-on: $100 per piece]
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Caption these Idols
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| (Some Guy) |
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66-year-old storekeeper drives armed robber out of her store by pelting him with carrots
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| (Al Jazeera) |
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North Korea not bound by armistice, sanity
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| (Jezebel) |
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10, 10 awesome moments from Sesame Street, ah ah ah
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In a mysterical trifecta of Fark weirdness, Cop shoots dog named Hooch, who was attacking Yoda. Remains on force
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Photoshop theme: Hippie technology
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Just like President Obama, a majority of Americans oppose gay marriage
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| (Some Bum) |
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Being homeless is rough enough without having to fight off a bear for your pic-a-nic basket
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Nine Inch Nails' Trent Reznor raises more than $645k, mostly via Twitter, for fan in need of heart transplant
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Survey reveals that 11% believe dropping the F-bomb at work is a justified pressure valve or morale booster. Fark
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| (Dorset Echo) |
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My husband went on holiday to Spain, and all I got were these five Tibetan monks
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Roommate borrows car a bit longer than expected; moves to another state
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Teacher at private Catholic school answers 15-year-old boy's prayers. Bonus: school is called Our Lady of Charity
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Fifth graders play stock market, madoff with double their money
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Burglars who killed dog now find themselves in deep shih tzu
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FDA gives advice to drug companies on how to present drug risks. This headline's side effects may include semi-permanent lack of breathing and movement
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10 Mexican mayors and other officials arrested on charges of helping the cartels, being Mexican officials
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Drunk guy gets into multiple wrecks, tries to escape from police, then can't find his driver's license or shoes. Hope he knows a good DUI attorney -- oh wait, he IS a DUI attorney
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Grade school teacher quits after her amateur porn video is discovered online. The Sun is there to reenact a scene in PG-13
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UK IT workers amongst the heaviest drinkers. Subby so amazed that he nearly spilled his beer on his keyboard
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| (Some Guy) |
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Skywalker trampolines recalled, are too dangerous to use. See three PO'd customers who already sued
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Can't let go of the hate for your ex? Or the anger at your boss for being passed over for promotion? Psychiatrists say you are mentally ill, with "Post-traumatic embitterment disorder"
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| (Yonghap News) |
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Zerg rush kekekekeke
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| (Some Guy) |
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Mysterious winged cat baffles animal experts (with pics)
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Photoshop this Bavarian from below
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Dead body found in Des Plaines. No word if there were identifying marks or tattoos
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Explosives-packed vehicle destroys police building in Lahore. Lapimp says he has no idea how it got there
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New Zealand zoo keeper feeds tiger. He was delicious
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| (Some Ruskie) |
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When you've just rejected your girlfriend's marriage proposal, it may be a good idea to skip the "farewell dinner" as well. You know, in case she decides to blow your penis off with firecrackers
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Serial whizzer nabbed in Detroit, will face a jury of his peers
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| (mailtribune.com) |
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Things are bad when your mom is checking up on you at 17 and finds you pinned under neighbors garage
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| Tue May 26, 2009 |
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Man assaults two people, bites an officer's leg and is tasered three times...all while naked. Ah, Texas
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Having once refused to get out of bed for less than $10,000, what did Cindy Crawford do when a European discount supermarket asked her to plug their budget shampoo?
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ACLU has gotten its panties in a bind over a cross erected in 1934, in the desert, to honor WWI vets, who now are all dead
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Sacre bleu, Pierre, zeese Scientologee "religion" ees full of le merde, n'est pas? Let's prosecute zee bastarhds for fraud and run zem out of France, no?
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Criminal obviously not aiming to live the high life tries, fails to rob a Dollar Store
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How Now Brown Cow? Via the highway, through a fence, sideswipe a squad car, and ram a garage door. That's how
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Mike Tyson's daughter dies
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Rush Limbaugh weighs in on the Sotomayor nomination, asking for calm from the Republican party, and a straight up or down vote on her nomination. Just kidding, he calls her and Obama racists and warns of the impending race war
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Jenny McCarthy is 23 times more of an asshat than previously thought
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Global warming alarmists change some assumptions in their computer models and claim global warming twice as great as before. With bonus spiffy color graphs
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Vatican Radio Today is brought to you by Crazy Bennies Cheap Indulgences. Half off for original sinners, our prices are insane
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Tucker Carlson *snicker* to launch right-wing counterpart to The Huffington Post *snort*
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Kutcher threatens to stop Twittering. OH THE HUMANITY
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop theme: between a rock and a hard place
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Panel advises screening all U.S. teenagers for mental disorders, goes on to predict 100% positive test results
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| (Some Guy) |
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Florida man repels alligator with a pair of pliers. What a tool
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In today's "News To Make (some of) You Feel Old": "Do The Right Thing" was released 20 years ago
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Meet Stephanie Zaner. Stephanie has gone to school for 2,340 straight days, not missing a school day in 13 years, infecting thousands with the flu in the process. Thanks, jackass
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| (WECT-TV) |
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Today's female teacher caught during "intimate contact" with a 15 year old boy is brought to you by NC, where you can't buy eyebleach on Sunday until after noon
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How to survive in a world ruled by robots. News, by MSNBC
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Jittery coffee-hustling inmate attacks fellow prisoner for not staying out of "grown folks' business." Victim goes back to sipping on apple juice
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Mother and son fleeing to Mexico to avoid cancer treatment thwarted by the fact that neither of them is literate, knows how to read a map, or knows where Mexico actually is
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While Mike Tyson's daughter getting hurt is a tragic story, the interview with the neighbor is pure comedy gold
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Pressure on North Korea to increase from the United Nations...Letters to be more strongly worded
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Seismographic readings place the North Korean nuclear test at 10-20 kilotons. The Hiroshima bomb was 13 kilotons. This is made only slightly less intimidating by the fact that Kim Jong-Il looks like your grandma
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Your job is chauffeur to the Queen, do you: C) Sell access for 1,500 quid and get suspended?
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J.P. Morgan Chase, Wells Fargo, Bank of America and others using 4 year accounting old rule to transform bad loans into income. Good to see they learned their lesson
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| (Some Guy) |
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PETA boycotts Canadian maple syrup to save seals from clubbing. Next week will boycott raisin bran in order to save geckos
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Man with a most excellent disguise attempts to circumvent high tobacco prices
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Montana town makes plea to house Gitmo detainees, saying in Montana they're plenty used to people who speak broken English, have a love of guns and bombs and who hate the U.S. gummint
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North Korea's nuclear attention whoring and Supreme Court nomination whining: this week's Media Hype Power Rankings (and a couple of our favorite Headlines of the Week 5/17 - 5/23)
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| (SCOTUSBlog) |
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Obama picks his nominee to destroy America's courts; read about her liberalness, activist-judgitude, baby-killification, religious-freedom-decimating, and miscellaneous judgery here. Hitler
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| (Some Guy) |
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Canada's national broadcaster finds out the hard way that while it was OK to make jokes about Bush, it's not OK to make jokes about Obama
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California Supreme Court refuses to overturn the will of the people to kowtow to the homosexual agenda and make everyone have sex with turtles or some damn thing
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Maryland empirically proves the negative slope portion of the Laffer curve
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Madison, Wisconsin's World's Largest Brat Fest sets record as 208,000 brats are consumed. Proceeds to benefit anti-methane, Global Warming initiatives
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When you are in a portable toilet at night, lighting a match to look for toilet paper might not be the best of ideas
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If you are a police officer threatening to anally rape a 14 year old with your baton you better make sure he is not recording you on his cell phone
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Man named Beverage charged with DUI
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Tired of swine flu? Good - because now it's measles that is going to kill you
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45 lbs of lobster + 4 gallons of Miracle Whip + 60 foot long bun= World's largest class action suit for food poisoning?
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Woman with snake phobia rattled after opening her BBQ to find two feet of her worst nightmare curled up in there
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Second commandment trumps second amendment as God smites man shooting graven clay pigeons by striking his shotgun with lightning
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Cameron's home from "Ferris Bueller" is on the market for $2.3 million. The garage is a bit drafty, but overall the house is in good shape
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Now that Times Square has been turned into a pedestrian mall, some are worried about traffic problems when drivers don't know where they can turn. Here's a hint, if you see barricades don't turn there
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| (M.E.N) |
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Drunk girls on plane try to open door mid flight, are surprised when people have a problem with this (with eye bleach pic)
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Step 1) Get drunk. Step 2) Have 12-year-old son drive you home. Step 3) ???? Step 4) Profit?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop theme: mine is better than yours
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Ahh it's that time of the season again...The sun is shining, the flowers are blooming, and American tourists are falling off cruise ships...again
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"`You are so lucky I don't have a hand grenade,' I told the squirrel."
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The 'Oprah Effect' caused me to buy a $56 plain white t-shirt
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Despite previous subby's headline, former Supreme Court Justice Ben Cardozo was not "hispanic." He was a Portugese Jew. Don't even know where to start correcting that headline
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Taliban: You know that peace deal we rejected so we could continue fighting and you kicked our asses..yea about that, Can we haz it now?
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| (Some Guy) |
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You have some confidential documents to get rid of, do you C) Burn them in a fire pit sparking a 4 alarm blaze that destroys your home. Bonus fail: You don't even know your house is on fire until the Stoners tell you
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Germans in their birthday suits cause trouble for rather stiff Poles, despite erection of new sign
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Residents want name of Butt Hole Road changed. Presumably to something less vulgar...like Anus Lane
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We made one great mistake regarding Guantanamo: No terrorist should have made it that far. All but a handful of those grotesquely romanticized prisoners should have been killed on the battlefield
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A reality show that combines Tweeting, celebrity stalking, and "real people" competing to be the biggest douchebag? Oh, you better believe it's coming
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"We need to build a new garbage transfer station." "How about at the end of LaGuardia's runway?" "But -- what about the inevitable birds?" "Meh."
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Many people calling Sonia Sotomayor first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice. These people are wrong: The estimable Justice Benjamin Cardozo, nominated by Hoover in 1932, had that honour. Please make a note of it
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Obama nominates "first Hispanic" Supreme Court Justice. Blind, wheelchair-bound, transexual Scandinavian immigrants still being farked over
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| (The Pittsburgh Channel) |
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Teacher's Aide accused of throwing wild party for minors, providing drugs and alcohol for them. Also had sex with them. With "That's a boy" picture
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