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| Sun March 08, 2009 |
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Scientists discover that fast reaction time is a better indicator of a long life than blood pressure, exercise level or weight. Dale Earnhardt nods in agreement
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| (Some McFarker) |
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Assault with a breakfast sandwich - this has been your Peoria McGriddle assault update
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Real IRA claims responsibility for killing two British soldiers. Fake IRA still looking for their lucky charms
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Musical salute to Ted Kennedy planned. "Splish Splash" to be the overture
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this porcine presentation
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France (the country where hardcore porn is compulsory on TV after 8pm) fines a man for driving with license plates that say 'Kiss'
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Pennsylvania's state-owned liquor system spending $170,000 to train its clerks to be less surly, not chuckle at your cheapness for buying a handle of Popov vodka
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Mystery illness causes hundreds of patrons from a top British restaurant to fall ill. Experts suggest that the most likely cause was the British food
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If you took a Montebello police cruiser for a spin early this morning, please bring back the AR-15 assault rifle and 870 Remington shotgun you took from it
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Hold off on deleting all those penis enlargement ads in your spam folder
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"When gas was $4 a gallon, I didn't go anywhere. Now it's all good."
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Cure for cancer. Still no cure for... hey... wait a second
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| (Some Guy) |
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Finally a story that explains how burping sheep, tweeting Republicans and non-specific technology affect your love life
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Teen gets a felony conviction and sex offender designation for texting nude photos. Go 'Murica YAY Freedom 9-11 9-11 9-11
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BBC correspondent baffled by American tipping system. It's not news, it's the BBC
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Despite their eagerness to splash any celebrity divorce on the front page, The Sun seemed to completely miss this one
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Today's middle school teacher busted for sending pornographic photos to a 14-year-old boy's cell phone is brought to you by St. Petersburg, Florida (w/ mugshot)
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Texas town's PTA president is a MILF on a roller derby team (with pic). "It's about helping your jammer get through the pack."
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Theme: Video games for the emo crowd
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Sunday Fark Factoid: Nearly six of ten Americans have never lived outside the state they were born in, and four out of ten have never left their hometown
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Your dumbass weatherman isn't always wrong. You just don't know what the hell he's saying
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Magazine column answers the question everyone has been asking themselves lately. "Does dressing like a soft porn star actually empower a woman, or is she simply exploiting herself?"
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Marriage wisdom from kids: "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. [...] she should keep the chips and dip coming." Fortunately for all of us, the Sun is there
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Factory jobs disappeared. Inflation soared. Unemployment climbed to alarming levels. The hungry lined up at soup kitchens. The 1930's or last week?
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Marijuana and Pepsi go together - a winning combination
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Just the fax ma'am. Joe Friday impressed
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Dairy Queen: Taste "Something Different" (tm)
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| (Some Geek) |
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Photoshop this human/computer interface
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Woman calls sheriff to report robbery over costly colon-cleansing capsules. Authorities admit her suppository was sad, but in the end, waste of time
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Not News: A janitorial position opens up at an Ohio school. News: 700 people apply. Fark: The school system is extending the deadline so more people can apply
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Talk about going out with a bang
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Don't forget to move your clock up an hour, or you might be late to that job you just lost
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New Jersey police will soon begin using robots to retrieve cars submerged in rivers, once they can figure out how to program the robot to solicit a bribe for doing so
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If your brother won't put out his cigarette and you do it for him with a fire extinguisher, you bet that's an arrestin'
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| Sat March 07, 2009 |
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Canadian cities thinking about banning bottled water, which is fine because nobody up here drank those American beers anyway
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Police warn Canadians: if a guy tries to sell you chicken out of his trenchcoat on the street, you probably shouldn't eat it
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Photoshop this crystal
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School officials: No smokes, alcohol or guns, but hey, here's a rap artist poster with smoking, drinking, and guns for you. Parents are unhappy
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| (Some Chick) |
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Man breaks out of jail to break into a convenience store and steal 14 packs of cigarettes and then sneaks back into jail. Some people will do anything for a smoke
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Allentown police arrest 12 guys who wanted to find their baby, hold her tight, grab some afternoon delight. Sky rockets in flight
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| (Tacoma News Tribune) |
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Driver found drunk, unconscious, blocking traffic lane, and carrying a badge
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| (Charleston Daily Mail) |
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University to auction opportunity to blow up donated building
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Nine firefighters help save St. Bernard with its ass frozen to an icy lake, proving once again that there's nothing a firefighter won't do to get a free drink
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Homeless man's website helps him get by. In other news, even in this economy, a homeless man has a website
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FCC and Sheriff's gang unit bust a pirate radio operation that was broadcasting public service announcements on where to find the best hookers and blow
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30 police cars, a giant American flag stretched between fire trucks, 100 people and officers gathered, and Taps in the background. All of this to put to rest a fallen police dog who died of kidney failure
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More than 25,000 conservationists and international policy makers claim that world water shortage to reach critical proportion by 2025. As long as there is plenty of beer, though, we should be fine
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Why anyone would die for this food is beyond me
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this egg-like backdrop
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| (Silver subby) |
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Sunset performer Gold Man's death leads long-lost brother Copper Cowboy to find third long-lost brother. Florida -- and Keys -- tag second in line to Sappy
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The death penalty debate is over, states are stating to abolish it, not because of some moral code handed down from an almighty being, but because of the moral code of the almighty dollar
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Statins may reduce joy of sex. Damn you, Statin, damn you straight to hell
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It was the dark of the moon on the sixth of June, and the Romanian was hauling logs. He jumped on the interstate and started to gyrate and steers with his feet like a dog
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Ric Romero repoting that daylight savings messes with body rhythms, sleep schedule
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In one of the easiest and most enjoyable evenings in law enforcement history, eight arrested after girls go wild during "Girls Gone Wild" party
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| (Some Snuggler) |
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Sign of the coming douchepocalypse -- Snuggie pub crawls
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Ugly assed pink bottlenose dolphin spotted in Louisiana lake. Still no sign of pink unicorns or elephants. (w/pic)
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GM sends letter to suppliers asking them to lobby congressmen for bailout. One supplier replies back with a few unpleasant facts. Hope he has other customers
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Ferret fracas frazzles Freeport family, freshman Ferrara
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| (Some Guy) |
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Dead Sea Scroll Scholar's Son Suspected of Shifty Shenanigans by the Sea Shore
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| (A Brother in Fark) |
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"He loved gardening and tending to his thriving, enormous goldfish. He also loved combing the Internet for interesting news, especially the Web site Fark.com"
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A nice day of cross country skiing on the city's nature trail turns into an episode of When Nature Attacks. Orly? Yarly
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Caption Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner
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| (tucsoncitizen.com) |
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RV the cat lives up to her name. Nine months and 1200 miles later, is reunited with her owner just in time for Caturday
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Photoshop these balancing stones
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| (Some Guy) |
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Mall security guard tells two female shoplifters he won't call the cops if he can take pictures of their nude breasts and semi-clothed groin/buttocks areas
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| (Some Repeat Offender) |
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I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash you got. Better hurry it up, I'm in dutch with the wife
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Woman steals credit card and buys a Yamaha motorbike ($3,100), dental visit ($1,500), tattoo ($300) and bail ($200). She was finally arrested when she used the card to buy a Dr. Pepper
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Cool story of the world's oldest conjoined twins
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| (Some Chick) |
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After nearly 40 years researchers say a new theory is emerging in the D.B. Cooper case. Enter the rubber bands
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66 year-old man arrested for trying to get through Spanish customs with a cast on his leg made entirely of cocaine. Bonus: he had deliberately broken his leg before putting on the cast so as not to arouse the suspicions of officials
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The best part of waking up is...driving into a house
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Female university students eat bananas held between male students' legs to win votes for student council. Hey, how do you think Hillary Clinton got elected? (SFW pics)
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| (Some guy) |
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The media would like to let you know that old friends on Facebook may reject your requests. It's not news, its "just because I hung out with you 7 years ago doesn't mean I want to be your friend now"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Drunk, stupid and disorderly is no way to ask a police officer for a hug, son
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Add impaired lung capacity to the list of things excess belly fat will get ya, Fatty McFatpants
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| Fri March 06, 2009 |
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Woman pisses off (on) cop (car)
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| (Ocala Star Banner) |
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Pilot performs durability test of experimental aircraft against recreational vehicle, loses
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Photoshop theme: Only in America
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The US Army does not endorse 'take your kids to work' day. Especially when that work takes you to Iraq or Afghanistan
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Capcom: Resident Evil 5 will take place in Africa and here are the screenshots. Public: OMG That white guy is shooting all those black people. Capcom: um, I think you missed the point
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If you have never seen an x-ray of half a kilo of ball-bearings shot into some unlucky dude's ass, today is your day (SFW)
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News: Man assaults his girlfriend. Really News: The girl's ex-boyfriend goes after the guy. Fark: Judging by the mugshot, the guy got the beatdown of his life
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| (Voice of America) |
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North Korea threatens commercial aircraft flying near its borders. Somebody really needs a hug again
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| (Some Guy) |
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Lustfully, his fingers fumbled with the zipper in searing anticipation before extracting his rock hard Kindle. Softly caressing it before pressing his finger gently against the power-button, feeling it throb warmly against his skin
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What was said: "Obama to reverse some limits on federal funding of stem cell research." What you will hear: "Obama has decreed that baby killing is legal"
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Hunter safety instructor finds himself in the crosshairs of controversy after ordering all "liberals" from his class
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Lawmaker adds an exclamation point to the Oklahoma state flag and gets more attention than the rest of his four-year legislative career combined. "I was just looking for a way to improve our image."
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Cook County Sheriff says hoax email has gone viral, showing really cool, high-tech, comfy-looking 'new Cook County prison'. (w/pics) It's on the internet, it must be true
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A naked man going wild in the bathroom, Kid Rock fighting a fan, and an urn of ashes are just some of things you might find at a Waffle House near you
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Dear Brian Williams of NBC Nightly News: Please give us some good news. Sincerely, the viewers
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| (NBC Connecticut) |
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Guy steals hundreds of dollars worth of Orbit Gum. Fabulous
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The Smoking Gun's mugshot roundup kicks off the weekend with a guy who needs longer pants (last photo is pubically NSFW)
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| (KSL.com) |
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Jr. high school student goes the extra mile and has sex with two different teachers... With "would not hit that" pic of one of the teahers
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New Hampshire man arrested for head-butting a moving Jeep
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Threatening to punch the principal of your high school on Facebook is a bad idea on its own, but toss in a 'Columbine' reference, that's a jailin'
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this antenna adjustment
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Hey, laid-off workers. The manager who fired you is having a stressful time too, you selfish pricks
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Ex-boyfriend asks for ring back. He got his ring back, all right. With hey she's kinda cute mug
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Student accidentally "discharges gun" after "holding it in his pocket."
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you drop your keys into the pit toilet, let 'em go, because man, they're gone. Oh wait, here they are in your back pocket
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Developer plans to sleep in unfurnished, unsold homes in his neighborhoods until 101 homes go under contract. Good luck with that
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Try to take your drunk girlfriend's keys to stop her from driving? That's a stabbin'
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| (Some Guy) |
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How bad is health insurance in America? Just ask this woman who is using super glue to keep her teeth in her head
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Imbecilic study looks into why musicians are such babe magnets. Fame, money and endless supplies of cocaine surrender
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Adidas and Puma manufactured the German version of the bazooka during WWII. Who throws a shoe? Honestly
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City Councilman cleans up his yard after the Mayor orders him to--by getting rid of the junker car and turning the toilet into a planter. Ahhh, the rural South--reinforcing negative stereotypes for over 75 years
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A new Friday tradition from our pals at TSG. This week is name the gangster (Contest ends 4pm Eastern)
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Man wins Pancake eating contest, then dies: "He had really enjoyed the pancakes but then he started foaming at the mouth and went down like a sack of stones"
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Canada left defenceless as snow fort forcibly torn down
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man bets friends that he could hold his breath underwater for a long period of time, continues to win the bet
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The latest victims of the recession: luxury travelers who no longer feel comfortable flaunting their wealth in public
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If you're going to attempt to smuggle 73 bags of heroin in your waistband, don't drive around with illegal window tint
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Today's uncalled for 911 call brought to you by Jaquarious; a 5 year old kindergarten student
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From the frozen tundra of Alaska to the lake-effect-socked streets of Chicago, FBI field offices in snow-blown towns across the nation make fun of the NY office for taking a snow day. Oh it is on
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Another person arrested after trying to impersonate a Chicago Police officer, leaving people to wonder what the lure of being a cop without being paid is
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| (KDVR) |
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If you buy a condo and pour $30,000 into renovating it, it's important to make sure you actually own the place first
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Monsanto to Bavarian beekeeper: We set up a genetically modified test crop and a handful of bees came into our field. We own your honey
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Today's "You Might Be a Drunk If..." story comes from Dillsburg, PA where man in SUV sat stopped at stoplight for 6 cycles of the light, complete with a beer in the cupholder
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One plus to all the pain being felt by print media these days: lots of college newspapers may be forced to shut down
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"Lord Mandelson is used to having strange people chuck their filthy custard all over him, but they usually buy him a drink first"
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$700,000 of the missing Iraq reconstruction money was apparently spent on Dung
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French feminist group named "The Guard biatches" gives "Macho of the Year Award" to Catholic cardinal
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Woman, 20, arrested for posting phony Craigslist personal ad with photo of ex-boyfriend's junk. With mug shot goodness
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School bus driver takes out a hit on one of her passengers
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Fertility clinic decides to nix proposed plan for designer babies. Good thing, too, because who really wants to pay that much for a baby that's only good for one season?
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Woman charged with having sex with men. Looking at her mugshot, the charges are likely justified
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Sexy maid service features young women in french maid uniforms, fishnet stockings and stillettos who will dust your TV and scrub your counters, but won't clean your toilet. Because that's degrading
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this man holding himself
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Saudi Arabia has the world's safest roads and highways
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Java's tallest volcano erupts, spewing smoke and ash from its grande venti
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| (Democratic National Committee) |
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The DNC is holding a contest to decide which slogan to put on a billboard near Rush Limbaugh's house. Certainly Farkers can do better
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Our long national nightmare is over. TV converter box coupons flowing again
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Armed with two misspelled signs, Obama basher says Americans are 'the stupidest people in the world'
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| (Some Guy) |
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You know it's going to be one ugly ass pic when the headline is "Houston Zoo To Unveil OH DEAR GOD THAT IS CUTE"
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If you needed another reason to ditch the morning newspaper for the internet, here it is
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Man who signed contract with his underage stepdaughter to have sex three times a day can't believe cops arrested him: "Did you not see the farking contract?"
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Guess who's coming to dinner
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| (WFAA) |
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Prosecutor receives kidney from rival defense attorney after learning they have the same blood type: cold
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Photoshop theme: Daydreaming
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The International War on Drugs: Celebrating 100 years of failure and futility
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| Thu March 05, 2009 |
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At the end of his bachelor party, man finds himself handcuffed at the feet of a female cop. Except she was a real cop and the cuffs weren't fluffy. "I killed 10 farking Taliban. I don't have to put up with this s. . .."
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Due to "health and safety risks", teachers in Nanny State not allowed to chase 4-year-olds who leave school to wander around woods and busy highways
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H & R block tax preparer incorrectly writes down customer's bank account number. Refund goes into wrong account, police tell customer there's nothing they can do about the missing $2,700
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Scottish ministers to launch new anti-alcoholism campaign as soon as the room stops spinning and they work out where they are
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| (Some Guy) |
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Sometimes God tells you to help the less fortunate. In this guy's case, God told him to beat his roommate with a baseball bat and shoot him three times. God works in mysterious ways
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| (Idaho Statesman) |
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Rest easy my friends, the most famous hat in Idaho has been recovered
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| (Some Older Gal) |
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Teen drivers in NJ now have to put decal on car, presumably one that says, "Harass me, officer"
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Australian tax dollars at work: Study shows wild prawns like sexy time more than farmed prawns
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| (myspace blog *sigh*) |
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Ever crave one of those Taco Town tacos you saw on SNL? Me neither, but these guys made some anyway
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| (Some Guy) |
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Charlotte named second most manly city, right behind Nashville. Competition judged on frequency of monster truck rallies, popularity of tools and hardware. Charlotte leaders say, "Thank you?"
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What do you do when you learn that a student is planning another Columbine during school hours? Lock down the schools and trap all the potential victims in with the gunman of course
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The 10 healthiest fast food restaurants. Right, you choose these cause they're healthier. And you read the articles, too
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Armed man with toddler in apartment won't come out. Cops dress up as firefighters, pull fire alarm. Profit
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Help a nine year old rape victim get an abortion to save her life? That's an excommunicatin'
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Extreme sports for nerds
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U.S.: Workers hit lottery jackpot, tell their bosses to fark off. UK: Workers hit lottery jackpot, vow to invest in boss's struggling business. The farking socialists
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Study finds high levels of violence in cartoons make children aggressive. Thufferin' thuccotash
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If you're going to attempt to rob a convenience store, try to remember not to purchase an item with your debit card. Bonus: Criminal mastermind signed name "John Doe" on receipt to throw coppers off his trail
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Self-immolating Tibetan monk "came back to life after 12 hours' treatment" says Chinese physician who has apparently discovered a Lazarus pit
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Dad tells 17 year old son to get his lazy ass off the floor. Son moves to couch. Truck crashes into home. Son is safe. The real news here is that a teenager actually listened to his parent
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| (Daily Yomiuri) |
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Japanese high school teacher in big trouble for forcing his female student to wear maid costume in art club, allowing club members to take pics of her
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Horses tamed much earlier than previously thought, typically using technique demonstrated in article's second picture
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In another incident that will make you weep for the future, police catch kids playing kick the flaming ball
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Suspect accused of shooting a detective discovers defending yourself in court looks much easier on TV. "As I stand before you today, do I appear to be a very big boy?"
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Cook County, Ill., sheriff sues Craigslist for prostitution, spares no details about what's on the "Erotic Services" page
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| (NT News) |
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Man breaks into a bar at 6 am, gets drunk and naked. It's not news, it's Ireland. (with Not safe for work arse pic)
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Woman finds remnants of Blue Angels crash fifty years later on Alabama beach, then things get weird
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When Walter askes you to mark the frame zero, you mark the farking frame zero
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In a change from all those teacher/student sex stories: Nurse practically gets a medal for helping 15 year old patient "satisfy his sexual urges"
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If you run a daycare, it's probably a good idea to see if all the kids have been picked up before locking up and leaving for the night
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Deputy Mayor of NYC tackles mugger in midtown after hearing woman's screams. Meanwhile, Chicago's Deputy Mayor is busy channeling Richie Daley's kickbacks
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Four-year-old Taiwanese boy wins a lottery, gets exclusive use of an uninhabited tropical island for 5 months; he'll get to swim in the sea, relax on the beach, and his toymaking hours will be reduced to 8 hours/day
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Man tries to commit suicide, sues hospital for saving his life, wins $127 000 in damages instead
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| (Some Guy) |
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Officer investigates report of a car in a lake by driving his patrol car into the same lake. That's some fine police work there, Lou
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This superhero's all about watching your ass
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Not News: Magazine publishes shocking, controversial photo spread. News: National retain chain refuses to carry it, even wrapped in plastic. Fark: The magazine is "Quilter's Home"
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Semper Fi Granny. 79-year-old woman gets urgent Marine recruit letter. The few, the proud, the geriatric
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Equity trader holds "team-building exercise" that entails dressing his female staff in bunny costumes and having them play "Borat's biatches". Surprisingly, some people had a problem with this
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Group of workers win $216 million Mega Millions lottery jackpot. Lawsuit from co-workers in 5..4..3
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Couple arrested for sex in public park. With mug shot "goodness"
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Bill Ayers and Ward Churchill meet to discuss finding a third person to round out their Asses of Evil group
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CNN: "The upside of moving back into your parents' basement". Back?
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California thieves get bright idea and hijack truckload of light bulbs
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| (Some Guy) |
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Moron attempts to rob gun store; with predictable results
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Artist seeks 20 vagina owners to make plaster casts of their vaginas, to complete sculpture featuring 200 vaginas called "Design a Vagina" to comment on trend of "designer vaginas". Vagina vagina vagina (NSFW)
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Illinois legislative committee approves use of medical marijuana. In other news, Blockbuster reports increased rentals of "Airheads" and "Encino Man", and stock in Frito-Lay up $24 a share
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Former police dispatcher with narcolepsy sues after being fired. She's asking for...*ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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Greyhound bus killer found not criminally responsible because he was a head case with severed ties to reality
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Woman to Canadian tax agency: "I'm not dead." Canadian tax agency: "Madame, I can't talk to you, I have to talk to the executor of the estate"
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What would you do for a Klondike bar?
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| (Some guy) |
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How can anyone survive on less than $400,000/yr? A touching tale of sacrifice and commitment from a destitute couple in New York......I think there's something in my eye
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America: Police falsely raid your home, kill you, and plant pounds of marijuana. Sweden: Police falsely raid your home, break your hash pipe, and so buy you a new one
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It'th never a good idea to rob the plathe where you uthed to work, but that goeth double if you have a "dithtinctive lithp"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Theme: The top news stories of 2050
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Armed men steal contraceptives in Indonesia. Police find the idea inconceivable
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Survey reveals that most Britons have lied about the books they've read, though apparently they all tell the truth when taking surveys
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Case of woman who had botox treatments and left without paying is raising eyebrows. Which is more than the woman can do now. Police hope to develop new wrinkles in the case soon
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| (O-tay) |
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Alfalfa blamed for latest salmonella outbreak, Buckwheat's tragic demise
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| (union leader) |
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Yet another case of lead contamination caused by Wal-Mart
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| (The Stranger) |
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Woman dials 911 nightly for two years to report gay disco in progress
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When a man offers his girlfriend some tongue, this generally isn't what he means
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Firefighter company returns from emergency call to find their firehouse on fire. C.D. Bales unavailable for comment
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Michael Jackson sent to eye, ear, nose and nose and nose and throat specialist for health checkup to prove his fitness to perform series of London concerts
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Moran arrested for child porn. Good. Good arrested for looking at kid's johnson. Johnson arrested with pics of kid in leathers. Leathers arrested with more, I see. Morici arrested too. Moran
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| (Halifax Courier) |
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'I was aiming for neighbour's cat,' says man who hit off-duty cop's car with brick
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Think your school was tough? This one has sewage in its canteen sink and dog poo in its water, and the kids have to wade through crocodiles to get to class
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British Nationalized Healthcare to Terminal Cancer Patients: No Life Prolonging Drugs for You, They Cost too Much
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Chicago Tribune readers have submitted their top title choices for Blagojevich's biography, and they all suck. Caption a better title
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To prevent gang violence in western Sydney pubs, signs will be placed advising patrons they must not wear colors "depicting them as being a member of any group"
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| (Journal Star) |
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"Hi, I"m here to pick up your giant sack of $145,000 in cash." Hey wow, you don't look like the regular guy, and you're here at that wrong time. Anyway, here you go"
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NBA player holding donor drive in Manhattan to find bone marrow transplant for little girl with "aggressive" leukemia
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop Denmark's K gallery
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| (Some Guy) |
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Female teacher gets who looks like Al Swearengen from "Deadwood" gets 10 years in prison for acting out his favorite word
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"It feels like a tremendous weight has been lifted off of me", says woman whose arm was amputated after drug reaction
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| (Some Guy) |
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Tugboat captain wearing only a T-shirt, a sweater and pajama bottoms falls off his boat into frigid waters while taking a pee. "It felt terrible."
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And you thought your job interview was hard - at this company you have to be shot in the chest and survive before they'll consider your application
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Cue the lawsuit. Atlanta woman finds "mammal bone" in her blue M&M's. (with photo of the offending bone)
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Deadbeats are more likely to answer a collection call if it's made by a woman with a sexy voice - especially if she has a British accent. "They think Elizabeth Hurley is on the other end."
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Decorated war hero and marksman returns home from Iraq and applies for a gun license. State refuses request on grounds of PTSD
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 200: "Lights, Camera, Action...Freeze" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed March 04, 2009 |
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What do you do when you find a cobra wrapped around your leg in your car? Keep driving, man
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Bailiff Protip: When you have a man suspected of stabbing his girlfriend to death brought to your courtroom, and the suspect's mom tells you he's carrying a weapon, consider searching him before placing him near the judge
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Prosecutor: We are prepared to prove that the defendant attacked officers, who then beat and arrested him. Defense attorney: We have the surveilance tape, proving otherwise. Prosecutor: Oh? Never mind then
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| (Some Guys) |
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Photoshop this airborne assault
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Grandmother has been mysteriously burping uncontrollably for two years. "I've got no life know, it's making me depressed to be trapped in my home."
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Couple kicked out of month-long sex party at nudist colony because they weren't naked enough. With bonus photo proving the reality isn't as cool as what you're picturing in your head
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Next: on a very special episode of Japanese Parliament; the Prime Minister tearfully confesses "I can't READ"
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Don't you just hate it when you're trying to plant blackcurrant bushes and dig up a 19th-century grave instead? Yeah, me too. At least they caught it before it ate the house
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$324 million bank heist starts with a bogus English lord, adds Belgian hackers, a Japanese bank, a Swedish businesswoman in the Canary Islands, eastern European Mafia and a Middle Eastern sheik. Then it gets complicated
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Cutest ugly-ass orphaned baby otter you will see all day
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New Hampshire businessman says we should all stop paying our mortgages. And while were're at it, stockpile some guns and ammo
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| (Some Government Cheese) |
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Bill proposes mandatory 10 hour 'divorce classes' costing up to $2000, even if a couple wants to file a no-fault divorce and just get the hell on with their lives
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Barbecue fans that originated recipe for the bacon-wrapped, bacon-stuffed log of sausage will rightfully get six-figure book deal
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Police impersonating has gotten so bad in Chicago, the Cops offer this advice: "Obviously we can't tell them not to stop for the police, but to pick an area they feel is safe"
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Chicago authorities still have no idea who tossed placentas into sewer system, but media continues to fetus new stories anyway
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New survey says the best way to save your marriage is to have sex three times a week, preferably with your spouse
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You know tattoos have officially jumped the shark when Barbie has one
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School district screws up sale of classroom trailers on eBay by accidentally selling one for $1, but on the bright side they now have an answer when students ask when they'll ever need math in real life
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Are you eligible for one of the new federal mortgage relief programs? Or are you just going to have to suck it? Take this brief interactive quiz
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Pregnant woman passes out, has heart attack, dies, has open heart surgery, goes into a coma, gives birth a week later, and doesn't remember a thing. Ta da
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Excuse me, ma'am, your chips are ringing
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You think your neighbors new fence sucks? Imagine having a two-mile long train with bright yellow cars cutting your city in half. "It's like the Berlin Wall. Every day when I go out to get my paper, I get madder and madder"
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People are turning to fortune tellers for advice during tough economic times. Who could have seen that coming?
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"Punking" Ontario's Premier as he's being asked about job losses at steel plant might not be such a good idea
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Theme: Times are tough, so photoshop some unlikely ways to save a few bucks
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Commander of Israeli Navy spotted in Tel Aviv strip bar, apologizes to chief of military, explains stripping was the only way he could put himself through the Naval academy
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President Barack Obama will order martial law this year, the United States will split into six rump-states before 2011, and Russia and China will become the backbones of a new world order
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University displays letter from Edgar Allan Poe where he apologizes to his publishers for drinking too much and for keeping a raven in his house that just won't stop squawking
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1) Call yourself a pre-op transsexual, 2) Threaten lawsuit against owner of women-only gym, 3a) Profit, and 3b) get to use girls' locker room
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Today's wacky Facebook story is brought to you by a firefighter who rescued a family from their burning home and then described them as stupid, selfish bastards for setting their house on fire and robbing him of his sleep
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Historian apologizes for saying County flag looks "designed by a third grader;" judging from photo, he could be right
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Need to see your doctor? Sure. Right after you sign this gag order promising never to talk to anyone about what an idiot he is
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Woman manages to get captain to stop an airplane on the ground so she can use the bathroom. In appreciation, she leaves the bathroom and punches the flight attendant in the nose. Then it gets weird
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Rapist requests death penalty because he fears getting raped in prison
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Carpenters face higher-than-average asbestos death rate, higher-than-average resurrection rate
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| (Some Hawaiian Bintlet) |
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Ugly ass Bintlets born at Honolulu Zoo. WTF is a Bintlet? (w/pics)
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Eagle busts through trucker's windshield in Nevada, tells driver to take it easy
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Rescue crews call off rescue of coyote that fell into Lake Michigan; when the rescue chief was asked why efforts were stopped, he blinked, said "beep beep" and sped off
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Oregon high school students have their play canceled due to complaints from hysterically over-reactive parents. Local college hears about it says "Hey, we have a theater, why don't you do it here?"
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Asking a border guard to be polite? That's a pepper sprayin'
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| (News 5) |
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Astoundingly, some prisoners told to come back to jail when there's room for them just aren't coming back
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Not news: Right-wing British political party issues anti-immigration election poster featuring a Spitfire and the slogan "Battle for Britain". Fark: The plane was from a Polish squadron
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Here's to you, Mr. Fired After Being Caught Participating in a Bike Race Whilst on Sick Leave From Work and Having the Balls to Sue for Wrongful Termination. Even if you lost
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Welcome to Vermont. Please tear down your house and leave because there used to be a road here 200 years ago and we want it back
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Actual newspaper poll question: "Is it a good idea to marry a serial killer?"
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"Hi, can you tell me where the Arts building is?" "Make a right at the campus graveyard"
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Thanks to American drug users, Mexico's drug cartels have enough money to support a 100,000-man army of soldiers
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International Criminal Court issues warrant for Sudanese president's arrest. Sudan: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA get the fark out
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Man markets Christian salt to stand against the cabal that markets kosher salt. Customers dismayed it's only available in pillar form
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Tree is cut down, falls onto a parking meter, which drove a live wire into the ground, which electrified plumbing, which melted the solder, which flooded the home
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A positive outcome of the bad economy: In order to offset losses due to smoking bans, Illinois casinos want to be allowed to serve free drinks. Thats change we can guzzle down
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Cops have been called to Octomom's house 8 times for problems ranging from locking a kid in a room to losing one of them. Good thing she doesn't have 8 new ones to keep track of
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Britain's first WMD: An Elizabethan cannon that could punch a hole through four inches of solid oak (w/photos)
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"Atheist theories are absurd." This coming from a man who wears a folded napkin on his head, rides around in a fishtank on the back of a Mercedes, and prays to a man who is his own father
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Lone survivor tells what happened to his NFL boatmates after they capsized in the Gulf of Mexico. Apparently they took their life jackets off and swam to the end zone
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Starbucks employee makes venti latte with an extra shot
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How not to impress someone who wants to buy your airplane during a test flight: Leave the controls incorrectly set, turn off all hydraulics, nose-dive 10,000 feet
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Deputy, I don't mean to bother you while you're eating your hashbrowns, but isn't your prisoner getting away?
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| (Some Mountain) |
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Photoshop this lady-leaping landscape
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Worker sews lips together to demand promotion. Management speechless
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| (Some Guy) |
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Store clerk hangs onto thieves' car hood for "several blocks" to retrieve stolen 36-pack of beer, complains he wasn't even supposed to be here today
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| (Some Guy) |
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Judge: Shut your d----ed mouth; Defendant: Fark You: Judge: 120 years. Next
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| (Some Guy) |
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Police find 100 grams of marijuana stuffed inside a woman's bra. Talk about nipping it in the bud
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| (Some swashbuckler) |
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Pro tip: Don't take your machete to the mall
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It's appauling that a university is conferringo a degree like this. By George, you might as well throw it in the john
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Tasmanian company making paper out of wombat poo. It's either green or gold depending on when wombat poo is harvested. Company is pleased with the quality and texture of the wombat poo paper. In other news, wombat poo is fun to say
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... so here's a sake-drinking Baikal seal with a towel on his head
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British police fly to Philadelphia to get top tips from U.S. cops. And their first lesson? Where to get the best doughnuts
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Wal-Mart drug bust goes wrong when suspects try to rob undercover officers instead of selling drugs. And then things really spin out of control
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China turns destruction left by last year's massive earthquake, including collapsed school, into tourist attraction and plans never to clean it up. FEMA intrigued by their ideas, would like to subscribe to the newsletter
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Latest indicator that the economy is in trouble: people are using counterfeit bills to buy Girl Scout Cookies
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If you thought British food was crappy before, you haven't read this
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"Dogs ate my penis." Your dog wants tube steak
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| (Tacoma News Tribune) |
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Doctor accused of using thermos to attack man. Oh, I'm swinging out a thermos for you
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man finds ten human teeth in wallet at Walmart. That's just decadent
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Photoshop this parachute system failure
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If you're going to hide an engagement ring in your girlfriend's food, propose before your friends challenge her to an eating contest
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| Tue March 03, 2009 |
| (Some Guy) |
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What is sure to fire up the greatest debate on Fark for 2009... Man gets run over while standing in a parking spot, saving it for his wife
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Gunman enters home of elderly couple and robs them of their money and jewelry. Just kidding, they refused to give him money so he grabs two bundles of toilet paper and runs off
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Just say no, especially when it comes to a teenager who keeps sending you nude photos and you're her assistant principal
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Retiree: I don't know how this meth got into my hollow cane
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Passengers complain about "Porn Plane," sticky seats
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Don't you hate it when your mom kicks you out of your house for using drugs and then makes a fortune writing a book about it?
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Caption these Kazakh hunters
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Young Germans prefer ze Internet to real life partners, because YouTube lets you be totally angry and flip out and you become famous and admired instead of being charged vis var crimes, like in ze old days
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Mouse decapitation at Chuck E. Cheese, where a dad can be a douche
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Stalkers are using cellphones to "textually harass" others. Next up, "textual misconduct", "textually transmitted diseases" and "homotextuals"
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45 things to do in France this summer. Well, 44 once you get past 'Surrender'
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop theme: Practical uses for an Oscar statuette
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Turns out engineer of doomed Metrolink train would sometimes let teens run the locomotive. Scary tag doesn't even begin to cover it
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| (The Gainesville Sun) |
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"Sir, if you don't stop punching yourself, you're going to get tased"
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Having obviously solved all other social ills, lawmakers in West Virginia contemplate banning Barbie Doll
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Man who robbed gas station made no threats, displayed no gun, simply offered an apology as he fled with a fistful of cash. Authorities on the lookout for a Canadian
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British women who have babies by IVF can name anyone, man or woman, on the birth certificate. Expect lots of kids with the last name "Obama," "Beckham" or "Cleese"
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Protip: when in possesion of several bags of weed, do not leave your firebird unattended, door wide open, bass thumping, in the parking lot of a convenience store
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| (NBC Washington) |
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DC bus driver gets off his bus, gives McGruff the Crime Dog a beatdown in front of a bunch of kids, then gets back on his bus and drives away
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Spanish inquisitions, Chinese fire drills and disproving Galileo: Headlines of the Week 2/22 to 2/28
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America's contribution to Mesopotamian culture: Tramp stamps and tribal tattoos
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| (WWL) |
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Talk radio callers outraged, OUTRAGED I say, over Obama sipping a beer at an NBA game
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| (Asheville Citizen Times) |
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After keeping us citizens safe from the dangers of marijuana, officers decide celebrating with a beer while still on duty is a much safer alternative
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| (Some Guy) |
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Oregon arsonist only targets green Ford Escorts, making the world a better place
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Will group dating appeal to over 30 year olds? Cougars let out a roar
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| (Some Guy) |
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Education appointee sends friends an e-mail saying Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles always smile because they don't know they're black. Surprisingly, some people have a problem with this
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| (Some Guy) |
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Teen steals a truck because he had to make a court date and didn't trust anyone else to give him a ride
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Researchers find that children rated as impulsive by kindergarten teachers are more likely to begin gambling behaviors before they hit middle school. 3-to-1 this study's BS
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Following the footsteps of the Marlboro Man, the Winston man dies of cancer
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After being told there were no more McNuggets, woman dials 911 -- three times
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Possibly the coolest 360° panoramic photos of Paris you'll see today (France, not Hilton)
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Ugly ass armadillo born at Minnesota Zoo. Ugly ass pic? You betcha
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| (Some Guy) |
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ProTip: When trying to impersonate a police officer you need more than a white Crown Victoria equipped with a spotlight and then it's not a good idea to follow a real police car
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Going grocery shopping with your children? The Nanny State won't let you buy any alcohol then, because you might give it to them
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Bacon is not over. Long live bacon
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Drug dealers switching from cocaine to viagra, enjoy 2000 % profit margin increase
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NYPD lieutenant sues after his gun and badge were seized after he saw a demon
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Photoshop theme: Ice
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After reading about so many other teachers getting arrested for having sex with their students this teacher decided to play it safe, stick with phone sex. Apparently, that's not allowed either
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Step 1: Sign up for Facebook. Step 2: Get bullied by former high school classmates. Step 3: Profit
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"Your rape complaint will not be investigated further. Here, have some rape"
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When sledding down a steeply inclined driveway you really should make sure you have a plan to stop before you hit the street and especially before you reach the car driving by
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People who used to be rich are now seeking help from local food banks. Woman who is currently paying on a $350,000 condominium: "You keep thinking you're an intelligent person. I had so much. How did I lose it?"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man attempts to squash police pursuit with frozen produce. Lettuce hope this dangerous man doesn't turnip on our streets
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Pupil walks out of class after complaining that anti-racist American novel is racist
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Boy fails to acheive "Orientation" merit badge, wins badges in "Hide and Seek" and "Staying Warm Like a Hobo" instead
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"I can do what I want. I live in America," says woman who put up a sign offering to rent three rooms to whites only
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| (Some Guy) |
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Congratulations, Portland Oregon: Thanks to high depression and suicide rates, your city has been ranked the unhappiest city in America
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| (MetroWest Daily News) |
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Driver says his car sometimes swerves at pedestrians then makes a U turn to try again. Something in the suspension
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Schrödinger's Bong
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| (Panama City News Herald) |
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"Some scenarios law officers just can't be trained for, such as finding a bag of marijuana produced from the rectal area of a female recently engaged in coitus with another female"
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In 2007, 1 in 31 American adults were either in prison and/or playing for the Cincinnati Bengals
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| (Some Guy) |
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Doing 'shrooms is usually fun, except when your best friend passes out, and the cops arrive, and you accidentally break a bottle on your friend's arm,and then you freak out and jump on the back of the cop trying to aid your friend
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